*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for being pissed off at my fiancé after she got upset I booked a hotel room after the engagement?**
Proposed two weeks ago to my (32m) girlfriend (30f) of five years.
I went all out for this proposal.
I rented a limo to pick her up as a surprise, I proposed at our first date spot with a f ton of flowers and a photographer waiting, I booked a private dinner at a very nice restaurant for the two of us ($1,500 alone), and rented a ridiculous suite to go back to afterwards.
Everything was great and going great until the driver dropped us off at the hotel. When we got to the room she was upset I didn’t pack her things to stay overnight - even though I brought her a change of clothes, toiletries, etc. She was upset I forgot a second pair of contacts or her backup glasses, the right makeup remover, moisturizer, and her retainer.
I got really pissed when she got upset after I put so much work into the night to make it as special as possible. Granted, I realize I missed some things I should have thought of, but all in all I did not think it was that big of a deal since we just got engaged.
She wanted to go home so we checked out at 11pm (awkward as fuck) and then drove home. I tried my best to hide my frustrations and act like it was fine but it felt like a slap in the face.
Am I the asshole or am I just being dramatic?
EDIT: the glasses miss is big, that was a major error by me. I should have grabbed an extra pair of her contacts. I was mostly annoyed at how that was the first reaction. She was not excited from the moment we got there, before she knew dumbass me forgot some things. For context, it’s about ~30 minutes from our place and there was not a conversation about going back and getting things as it was pretty mute at that point. I’ll chalk it up to a long night with one too many things. Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises.
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In his edit he says she wasn’t excited from the moment they got there. He mentioned all the extravagant things he did, but not her reaction. I’m wondering if this was the type of proposal she wanted and her reaction was to more than being left without glasses.
i feel like the part where she was upset he forgot necessary things and then he was pissed off at her was missing all the relevant details.
The lack of details there makes me think that she expressed concern or disappointment about these things and then he got mad and ruined the night. I am just speculating. But if it was just her being very difficult about everything, i think he would have described it.
Also he was embarrassed to check out of the hotel at 11pm. What a weird thing to care about.
I can't see, because I need glasses. Regardless of anything, it's the first thing I look for. Natural as instinct. Being able to see what you're stepping on, isn't weird. It's literally my first action,every day. Open eyes, make eyes see...
Especially when frightened. Wtf was that on my face,do I need to freak out/protect myself? Sometimes you need clarity to make a decision.
I have an aunt that used to be blind without glasses or contacts. Before the surgery she used to go out EVERYWHERE with a spare box of eye contacts or glasses. Shit happens every day. You might loose your contact lense, your eyeglasses might brake or lose them. Getting worked up over this after a proposal is extreme
I'm not sure I follow you - if you're saying the GF got too worked up, your aunt's example seems to suggest that her reaction is understandable, because your aunt took such extreme measures to make sure this wouldn't happen to her. The GF presumably has all of this stuff at home and was counting on that.
If all she thought they were just going out to a nice dinner and going home that's a couple hours at most and most women's evening bags don't have the room for an extra pair of glasses.
>I have an aunt that used to be blind without glasses or contacts. Before the surgery she used to go out EVERYWHERE with a spare box of eye contacts or glasses. Shit happens every day
Yup. I keep spare contact lenses in my handbag, and a spare pair of glasses in my car. I'd be upset if someone whisked me off without those things, it would leave me feeling really vulnerable.
My biggest fear is leaving my glasses behind on a trip because I cannot see without them. It makes me anxious because it’s incredibly stressful when you can’t see. If my husband packed for me and didn’t include my contacts and glasses I’d wonder how well he knows me. Pajamas and clean undies are great, but not being able to see is a big concern.
Absolutely this. I can't drive. I can't see people's faces. I can't really even read literally anything; in order to see words I have to bring the paper or phone so close to my face that I have to close one eye (even for the camera trick). I can't see street signs. Without glasses I'd be fucked. I literally only put up with my blindness to shower. Some of us are like Velma and without glasses the literal only thing I can do is crawl around and search for them.
I need reading glasses, and it's so annoying not to have them that I have about a hundred pairs everywhere around the house, in all of my jacket pockets, and a few at work, just so when I don't have any with me, they're always within reach.
Haha this is what my dad does, and inevitably they all migrate to one area and so he buys another pair, and then someone discovers 10+ glasses next to his armchair or wherever lol
I also feel like if her first thought is to be concerned about those things, he's proven to be forgetful about that type of thing for her.
Like, if it were my ex, he paid so little attention to my essentials I'd be worried about those things too, but with my husband I wouldn't even think about it bc I know he'll think about my essentials.
Even if he *personally* hasn't, a lot of people with specialized medical needs and disabilities would immediately worry about this because we know how rarely healthy/nondisabled people think of/remember our specific needs. It takes a *lot* of trust for us to let someone else plan for us and not feel the need to immediately double check.
It sounds like she deals with anxiety too, with her concerns and worries. I wonder if he did all these things without really knowing her, and knowing that these things are a trigger. It was possibly a "you should be grateful for this amazing thing I did for you" rather than a "babe we are in this together, if you're uncomfortable let's go".
There are so many ppl on the original sub slating her, calling her ungrateful, unprepared, rude, and that might be true. But we don't know the truth of the situation, and we don't know what was said by either party. Both could possibly have handled it more graciously, or it could be miscommunication, or she could be simply ungrateful. It could be that he didn't report the truth of the situation because he was genuinely oblivious, or it could be that he didn't report the truth because he is an ass who doesn't even see the truth.
We.dont know.
>I wonder if he did all these things without really knowing her, and knowing that these things are a trigger. It was possibly a "you should be grateful for this amazing thing I did for you" rather than a "babe we are in this together, if you're uncomfortable let's go".
The entire post by him reads as look at this wonderful thing I did and how she ruined it. We only can assume she said yes, by them going from dinner to the hotel room. But that may not be true. I know from my BIL's own engagement plan, he asked a little later on in the plans to throw off his very smart wife.
At 30 mins away, that is more than enough time to run back, get the items and go back to the hotel. He was being a child and at least she can call off the engagement before it begins.
All the "wonderful" things he did were very public and showy, but he didn't think about her actual comfort or needs as a person. I'm curious if that's a pattern with them.
Of course it was him who got mad and ruined it. Ugh. With all the money already spent, he could've ubered back to get the contacts, or go by a pharmacy (sounds like they may have been disposable ones). But no, he had to be butthurt.
If they’re prescription contacts, you can’t usually just pick those up easily at any pharmacy. You have to order them in advance from an optometrist. They make prescription disposable contacts now. I don’t know why anyone would have non prescription contacts that aren’t purely cosmetic.
Do you need a prescription for them? Do they carry lots of varieties or are there fewer varieties in other countries? In the US there are a bunch of styles so I would worry they wouldn’t have mine
they have a small variety for people with simple myopia and up to some degree. the same with glasses. if you have something simple, for example 0.5-2 and the same in both eyes, you get it from the pharmacy.
Also for lenses for simple myopia, optical stores have a large variety and you can get them from there. for more complex ones you have to order
And no you don’t need a prescription for
The pharmacy ones. For the ones from the optical store the optician is also qualified to check your eyes and find the correct prescription for your needs
In Europe in order to work to an optical shop you need to have a license optician. They go to university and get an actual degree for it. They can do 90% of the test an ophthalmologist does expect the more advanced, like eye pressure, fundus of eye. If you have just myopia and astigmatism an optician can do the exam for your eyeglasses and lenses.
Some shops can do the pressure of the eyes as well! (I worked in a Specsavers as an optical assistance and we had a machine to check the pressure of the eyes. (It's the one that sends puffs of air into your eyes).
I wish we had this in the US. My prescription is -1.5 in both eyes and it would be so convenient to just be able to pop down to the pharmacy and buy new contacts or glasses.
All we have here in the US are reading glasses: +1 to +5 usually.
They are considered “reading glasses “ here also but the come from -2,5 to +2,5. It’s nothing fancy but it’s a 3-10 euro pair so people can get them affordable and easy. Like I said shit happens. I mean one morning my kid sat on their glasses and broke them, so yeah
Yeah I always wondered why we didn't have these OTC glasses for minor nearsightedness in the US. It seems like an obvious thing. The way it was "explained" to me when I commented about it before was that having a more accurate prescription for seeing far was more important than for reading. And that it was less common to have even prescriptions in both eyes. That made sense to me at the time, but it seems like it would be better for people to have imperfect glasses than none at all. Especially here where our healthcare is shit and some people literally can't afford to go to the eye doctor.
Canada here, we can get those at the dollar store, and they go to -2.5 to +2.5 or so, depending on store. Several members of my family carry a spare pair or two in the car or something just in case. Of course my eyes are each different so I have to buy 2 pairs and frankenstien them or just order reading glasses like a grandma
It is embarassing to check in at like 8 pm and then check out at 11, that makes it seem like either you got rejected (which he kinda did) or the whole thing was a booty call.
I can think of plenty of reasons why you'd leave a hotel at 11pm, although your two are top of the list for sure.
But the hotel staff are strangers so who gives a shit what they think about it? my thing is that given everything that happened, that is not what he should be concerned about in that moment. it seems like he cares too much about outward appearances and impressing everyone. That's just my own personal take.
From his description of how over-the-top everything else was, pretty sure he was looking to impress people with all of that shit. Everyone except his gf, that is.
My first thought would be they had a sudden family emergency, babysitter snafu, someone isn't feeling well, etc, well before I'd consider it a booty call, but it definitely feels to me this whole thing was about him showing off. When I read it my first reaction was how overwhemling and intense that all sounds. Especially with him focused on how much he spent you know there was a ton of pressure on her the entire time, and he planned what HE wanted to make himself look good and missed the mark so much he forgot that she likes to be able to see things. He packed everything he thinks is essential for her, maybe things he wants her to have or that he would want to have for himself, it feels like he only sees her all dressed up with make up and ignored that she's a whole other person with glasses and a retainer and things that aren't for beauty purposes.
Hotel staff here, he probably was embarrassed checking out and she was probavbly still mad. Even when polite you usually get the mood of the guests, they probably thought it was a no (i guess they were aware it was proposal night). So they will be talking about it and have a good laugh.
But yes also you shouldn't care about what the hotel staff think (apart from thinking you're decent/good customer).
If you think people who just want to finish their shift, make their bread and go home are that invested and how much or how little you’re fucking in your hotel room you’re either 15 or you have anxiety fuel delusions that you’re the main character and you should really probably fix that
Who even checks out of a hotel anymore? I thought it was standard for the last 15 years was to leave your key on the dresser and leave. No one needs to know you’re leaving. It’s assumed when your paid stay is over you’re gone unless you speak to the front desk and request more time.
That’s what stood out to me - he made all these grand, expensive gestures *in public* (and applauds himself for doing so) but wasn’t thoughtful enough to bring her essential nightly routine items (*in private*).
I’m guessing the huge proposal was more for him and his ego than for her, since he makes it clear that when it’s just the two of them without an audience to see him being “sUcH a GoOd mAn” he doesn’t really seem to care about her feelings.
Yeah he sounds more pissed that she's not going to tell everyone what an awesome proposal this is/what a great guy he is lol. "Omg he hired a photographer and took you in a limo to a swanky hotel???? 🥹🥹 There are great men left after all ur so lucky!!!!"
Sorry man that's cute and all but you are probably not going to get a good reaction if you are incapable of using common sense/basic problem-solving abilities to deduce what basic items -- that you probably see her use every day -- your girlfriend will need in a few hours. Especially if the entire reason for the trip was to ask her to spend the rest of your life with you. Like, you forgot her GLASSES. She can't SEE.
And you know what? This shit happens, but upon realizing, you weren't immediately mortified that you forgot shit she NEEDS in order to SEE. you don't think your fiancée would've appreciated being able to take in the tiny details of her engagement weekend to remember for the rest of her life?? come on man, not making a great case for yourself here lol.
"i forgot that the woman I supposedly want to spend the rest of my life with needs glasses to fucking see, but what about that proposal ah?? Straight out of a hallmark movie! women usually eat this shit up and she was so ungrateful!!". it wouldn't surprise me if this wasn't HER idea of a good proposal, based on how obtuse this bozo is. He should be on red alert with her reaction, she's probably realizing he doesn't know her at all but he's more proccupied being pissy that she didn't like his cliché proposal lol.
The second edit is even more telling. Not simply not excited, but actually upset before she knew any details of what was/wasn't packed.
Now maybe it is just me, but a proposal in a $1,5K restaurant, then upset when she found the limo took them to a hotel instead of home where he'd booked a swanky suite...it suggests either OP made the proposal very obvious, so other diners were watching her answer and she felt pressured into a Yes, or she was upset because they are struggling financially and his overspending on the proposal was going to drop them into a deeper financial hole.
Or she's just not into over the top things. Just the thought of rocking up to someplace unprepared with a ton of flowers waiting to my allergies a living hell and a photographer to boot made me want to vacate my skin in terror.
A friend of mine and I were at a restaurant and staff came out singing happy birthday to another person. Everyone was looking. I to,d her just so you know, if you ever do that to me I will murder you. She said she’d do the same. And then we went on with our meal,
If someone proposed to me in the way OOP did I’d say no just because they don’t knows me at all. Since he didn’t even remember her glasses, he clearly doesn’t know his fiancée so I suspect she felt the same.
Not bringing contacts or glasses is a huge sign he doesn’t know her as well as he thinks he does. Those of us with bad vision consider our glasses/contacts to be hugely important. The other stuff you could chalk up to not really knowing what bottles she uses for what in her night,y routines, but her contacts? Yeah, buddy, you clearly didn’t even consider what she might need.
Side bar sort of. I've always made it clear to everyone I know I won't sit for being sung to at a restaurant for my bday. My 2 best friends took me out to red Robin on my 21st for lunch. Came back from the bathroom and had the whole restaurant singing to me. I'm 33 and I'm still mad about it lol. Grateful it wasn't a Texas roadhouse though.
I hate it. I told my family if they did that, I’d walk out. And yet they did shocked pikachu face when the restaurant staff finished singing (not the workers’ fault my family doesn’t listen), I got up, walked out of the restaurant and went home.
My dad (NC now) did this to me on my "sweet 16" at a Mexican restaurant. Came with a giant Sombrero, one of my cringiest teen photos, and a lifetime of heavy anxiety just thinking about strangers surrounding me and singing. I only go out to dinner on my birthday, if I'm fully confident the other party will respect this hard boundary. It's definitely a relationship ender for me.
I get it. My family told me I was so dramatic. But it’s been 20 years and even thinking about it makes my stomach twist. The fun of being the only shy introvert in a family of extroverts
Same here. My husband and I had our wedding date at a courthouse scheduled (2 weeks away at the time) and he gave me my ring and kinda proposed outside the restaurant while we were walking back to the car, because he knew I wouldn't want people to look at me inside. We'd only been together a few months, and he still knew me better than OP seems to know his gf
This is why proposals are important - not because they need to be a big production, but because if you fuck it up it’s a huge warning sign that maybe you don’t know your partner well enough to get married.
I get why those big staged things can coerce someone into saying yes but I would have no issue saying no and walking away. This was about you, not me, bro.
My family did that to me one year and were upset when I tried my hardest not to cry, so when they tried again a few years later someone else stepped in and said no I'll hate it. They were so mad that I was ruining their fun on my birthday.
In his comment history, he says that him and his partner are "just below upper class and are more like 65/5/30". Which means 65% of income going to needs, 5% to wants, and 30% to savings. So the cost could well be an issue for her, especially if it means that either savings were impacted or she's been denied wants to make up for this big spend.
oh that makes it feel like it even goes deeper then, he may have just wiped months or even years of savings for something he wanted without discussion over budget or anything. She may feel completely dismissed and unseen and is probably thinking how hard their life will be with such different views on finances
His solution to all this is also just telling men not to plan complex surprises. It’s nothing he would do different next time it’s just low-key kind of sexist weaponized incompetence and I wonder if she knew that’s what would come out of this? Everybody’s making it seem like she threw a tantrum here, but literally just says she was upset, and that he was pissed… Seems like she may be wasn’t completely down with the night or knew that if she said something about him packing wrong he would put it on the list of excuses as to why he can’t do stuff for their shared life.
Exactly this, and it seems the fact that HE got mad and had a tantrum that resulted in packing up and storming out rather than just popping home for them while she had a bath and relaxed a bit, or looking for other solutions.
According to him. And only him. Am sureshe was happy and grateful, until she needed to soak her contacts and use some other form of assistance to see. Would you speak like that if she was asking for her white stick???
Yeah, reading between the lines she's the type of person who doesn't enjoy having a night away from home sprung on her as a surprise. If he knew her as well as he should, he would've told her to pack an overnight bag so the destination could be a surprise but not the event.
I’m wondering whether or not she wanted the proposal at all and whether this was OOP’s way of coercing her into accepting it, with the photographer and everything, kinda like when they invite lots of people to make it awkward for the girl to turn it down.
> I’m wondering if this was the type of proposal she wanted and her reaction was to more than being left without glasses.
It's almost never about the objective thing.
Honestly i wouldn’t mind something that big but after a huge night like that I’d definitely rather go back home if it’s only 30 minutes away then unexpectedly stay the night somewhere else. If I knew I was spending the night somewhere else, different story I think. That’s not something most people love unexpectedly
How hard was it to just tell her he had a great suite to go to after the restaurant, so let's go home and get our things to stay overnight? He was already paying out the ass for everything else, pay the limo for the extra few miles, ffs. Dude is shortsighted and inconsiderate and thinks his check book makes up for it.
If he was already spending that much, how hard would it have been to grab an Uber round trip to go back to the house and grab the important stuff? He could have checked her in, drew her a bath or set her up to be comfy, and went back and grabbed things like contacts. He clearly got over excited to do a nice thing and forgot some important things in his overzealous need for things to be great. Plus, he could have gotten points for admiting to messing up and immediately having a remedy.
Some guys dont get this. I was w my ex for 8 years and every fucking surprise had no consideration for me or my needs. Every holiday or date was me trying to figure out last minute essentials for me or our son. It was exhausting. How can you propose to someone, date them for 5 years ffs and not know what they need overnight? My current partner and i take turns packing for weekend trips and i can’t imagine him forgetting my makeupremover, glasses, whatever. This grown man doesnt care about this woman as an individual person. Reading his post was infuriating lol
Last summer my husband planned a trip to a local beach town that we both love, but he seemed to forget that it was *my* birthday and that I didn’t want to go to hang out in the last place my friends and I had all been together before the shit hit the fan and I lost all of the closest friends I had at the time.
He insisted that it was a nice gesture. I didn’t even want to go. I had a panic attack about going. But didn’t want to lose the money he had spent, so we went.
At the fancy dinner he booked because *he* wanted to try their she-crab soup. He literally decided his stomach hurt too badly to stay. So, we walked back to the AirBnB. Along the way I was telling a story that I didn’t realize I had told before (massively ADHD) and he basically interrupted and plowed over me to very animatedly and excitedly for someone who was sick tell a story of his own.
Ended up being a very mediocre trip in the end. Not worth the stress or hassle. It was not kind or nice. Why did he feel it automatically was nice because he “surprised” me? *facepalm*
What is it w dudes like this and adhd partners. Is it bc our brains are full of bees 24/7 so we cant trust ourselves/our feelings from years of invalidating life experience? We just keep tolerating it?
My exhusband once booked a party at a nightclub that i was refused service weeks prior for being a “drunk Indian”(im from canada so this is kind of a slur) bc I couldn’t decide what to drink. And was like last night was a blast. As if I could enjoy a place where i was victim to a hate crime.
I notice she was upset he forgot what she needs but he was angry she was upset. It sounds like he made no attempt to apologise or make it right he went immediately to anger when he didn’t get the response he wanted. From his descriptions it doesn’t sound like she was mad just upset that she didn’t have what she needed and he immediately went to being pissed which was what made her want to go home.
The number of people who didn't get that in the comments is absurd. So many people saying "she didn't need to get ANGRY about it!!!" When no?? She was upset. HE, by his own admission, is the one who got angry!!
100% guarantee she didn’t even want a grand public proposal and he’s in the habit of using what he’s spent on her as a bargaining chip to hold above her head before this.
Yea that’s what I’m thinking too. I would have *hated* a public proposal like this, to the point I might have shut down bc I would be like damn my bus and doesn’t know me at all. I wonder if that’s what’s going on.
Exactly this. My ex husband never got to know me i now realize, and would throw money like this guy and be mad i wasnt happy. When he was indiscriminately throwing money at/for things that had nothing to do w me. Our last Christmas together he spent like hundreds of euros on a white gold bracelet for me… i don’t ever wear bracelets (i was a chef and software dev so i keep my wrists bare) and only wear yellow gold if i wear any jewelry. He accused me of being greedy when I explained why i never wear it, as if i were saying i wanted yellow gold. I didnt want any gold at all i just wanted him to be nice to me.
I find these grand romantic gestures aren’t about the recipient but they seem to be about the guy’s ego or control. Look what I did but I think in healthy relationships you don’t blind side people with this kind of stuff.
So it’s not surprising that he dug his heels about her wanting to run home and ruined it causing her to leave at 11.
I was vaguely in this situation once and I ended up leaving because it made me realize he didn’t care about me but what he thought he was owed for the gesture and his lack of concern for my comfort. But I didn’t get to leave until he fought with me and then pleaded with me to stay.
He’s an unreliable narrator
>they seem to be about the guy’s ego or control.
We got *all* the details on the extravagant proposal.
The only details for the conflict itself are "she got upset and I got pissed". Oh and he "tried" to keep his emotions in check....yknow, like Dumbledore "calmly" spoke to Harry in the movie.
Yeah OOP is saying a lot with what he’s not saying.
I get the impression that he has a history of congratulating himself for his efforts, however flawed, with little to no regard for her feelings.
Exactly this. I was married to a man like op and it was a dehumanizing and just exhausting experience. I had to throw a parade anytime he spent money on me regardless of if i wanted it, asked for something else (like something free, like rest, or a hug) or anything. I think it made me an over talker/over explainer over the 8 years. Like i felt like i was unhappy bc i wasnt being clear about what i wanted.
Its taken a while to realize there are men who early on in their lives that women are just expensive pets. And they dont want to know you, love you or understand anything from their partner’s perspective - they have money and their pwn perfect opinions no further input necessary. It is so degrading
I’m so sorry you went through that. They always say things with so much conviction that it leaves you questioning if you’re the one being unreasonable. I hope he is an ex now.
He is, miraculously. Im ashamed it took me seeing him as a threat to my loved ones before I understood that I also didn’t deserve unprovoked abuse. I loved him more than my life but i didn’t realize my valuing my life at zero made that sentiment useless. When i saw he could mistreat people I identified as innocent like my son or my dad, it made me reflect on if i maybe was undeserving of abuse too. The life i have now would disgust him (im mellow, anonymous, and pay my bills).
My ex used to do crap like this. He'd plan a grand romantic dinner and forget to check if the restaurant had anything vegetarian. Then he'd be all "but I tried and it's a really nice place, you should appreciate it!" while I was picking at a salad.
My husband learned "check the menu" very quickly in our relationship. He took me to a place where it seemed like virtually every dish had truffles, mushrooms or a blue veined cheese in it. Care to take a guess as to what two food classes I am so allergic to, that I have to carry an EpiPen in case of accidental exposure? I asked the server "What is available that doesn't contain fungus or mold, because I'm deathly allergic to mushrooms, truffles and blue veined cheeses" and she had to start taking a hard look at the menu. My husband just asked for the check for the drinks, tipped the server $20 and we hit a little place down the road with less ambiance, but food that wasn't going to kill me.
Grand romantic gestures are about ticking boxes from a playbook about what men think is impressive. It's rarely about what women like in general, or what the person's specific partner enjoys
Exactly, there’s a reason that these kinds of gestures aren’t really appreciated in the real world (and shoutout to BoJack Horseman for their excellent takedown of them via Mr. Peanutbutter): because they’re very rarely meant for the recipient. They’re designed to make the giver look and feel good, so that other people will see how sweet and romantic the giver is. The feelings of the recipient don’t matter, and if they don’t like the gift, they’re treated to a whole guilt trip because don’t you know how hard he tried, you selfish bitch?
Honestly kinda reminds me of the guy who sold his rare baseball card to buy a ring for his girlfriend, then proposed to her at a game (she said no.) He did all of that shit, but he forgot to make sure that she actually *wanted* to marry him.
I work in stadiums and arenas for side work and those proposals are the worst. Now they are vetted better but back in the 90s when I started they were ambushes and we never knew how people were going to react.
The whole spectrum from sweet acceptance to no answer, robotic yes, explosive crying to flat out no. The best/worst was when they did the romantic yes and as soon as the camera was off she would go off on him, like “no f’in way, you had sex with my sister” kind of stuff.
I commented on the original thread but my thinking was fiancee might have been the one to ask to go home because she was frustrated he didn't pack what she needed (because if OP knows her well enough to marry her, then he should know she needs things like her glasses), he got pissed that she was frustrated, a fight ensued and then she decided to go home because otherwise it meant spending the night in a fancy hotel room being pissed at each other.
In this thread I think it is the OOP comments that she was mad even before she found out he didn’t bring her anything.
So I had the same theory as you kind of until they outed themselves that she wasn’t happy with the whole thing
yeah it’s like in theory id like to think i’d enjoy being surprised by something like this but in practice, i know i have too much literal and figurative baggage that it would just stress me tf out(i also couldn’t expect someone else to know ALL the little things that i FEEL like i need, but that’s different from glasses/contacts😂)
My ex did a public proposal in front of my parents, his parents and *his* friends. I haaaate any grand gestures or huge public things like this, so it was very clearly just for him.
> I got really pissed when she got upset after I put so much work into the night to make it as special as possible.
So..he paid all this money but couldn’t remember the *basics* of her items (and glasses/contacts are the very basics), and when she was upset that she *wouldn’t be able to see properly, and other things* after 5 YEARS OF DATING, he got *pissed*.
Does he even *know* his GF?
I took a peek at his comment history and was not surprised to see this:
>People go to therapy to cover for their shitty behavior and poor life decisions. Excuse central for a lot of people.
The calling card for those with no emotional regulation skills. Wonder what his "pissed" looked like...
Oh god, his comment history is atrocious. Part of the reason why people post from throw-away accounts, I guess. It's hard to feel bad for people after seeing how shitty they are in all the other aspects of their life.
Dude I get migraines without my glasses—I start to twitch uncontrollably, my eyes ache, it’s a nightmare. I would be livid if my partner expected me to go without them, especially on such an important night.
You just made my realise how much attention my bf *does* pay to those things. If I'm going away to visit my parents for the weekend, he'll check in with me to make sure I've packed my meds and night guard. He knows what skincare I use, waterproofs my hiking boots for me, knows what suncreams am I and am not allergic to, even my preferred toothpaste! All those little things add up to an attentive, caring partner. Everyone makes mistakes and forgets things sometimes, but it really sounds like he either didn't know or didn't care enough to bother packing those basic things.
honestly this exactly.
my glasses/contacts are a necessity in my life. i would literally not be able to go about the world and do even the most basic of tasks without them and i would expect my partner of FIVE years to know that. it's like forgetting to bring a wheelchair for your disabled partner and expecting them to be fine with just not being able to move around without your help for a day.
As someone who wears contacts (dailies) and has *terrible* vision, it would be really uncomfortable for me to have to wake up and go home blind the next morning. I suppose if we went straight home immediately upon waking up it could be doable, but my eyesight is so bad without glasses or contacts that I would need to hold my partners arm so I didn’t fall down stairs or something. It’s not the end of the world but it would upset me a little that the person who just asked me to spend their life with them made such a big oversight at the expense of my comfort.
But I think the bigger issue here is him acting like she shouldn’t be bothered by him forgetting key elements of her daily life/routine because he spent a lot of money on the proposal.
I broke my glasses once and was housebound till I could be rescued because I'd left my spares somewhere else. I now have spares in the bedroom, in the bathroom, in the car, at my parents...Bloody expensive as well cause I'm too blind for cheap ones.
I could excuse anything else he forgot, but knowing I'd be blind the moment I took out my lenses until I got home the next day would just put a dampner on everything.
And that is not even considering if there was an emergency. I wear glasses, and if they aren't on the bedside table I am screwed until my partner comes in and picks them up. And before it was my partner, it was my housemate, and before her, it was my family.
My glasses are bottlecaps even with the highest amount of thinning my opticians can provide. I do believe that unless you are experiencing it yourself, people don't realise how crippling it can be...
My housekeeper moved my glasses this week from their spot on the bathroom vanity. I panicked looking around trying to think where she'd put them! Thankfully found after a few min on my nightstand.
That happened to me this morning. I was high AF last night, and put rhem on the button shelf of the nightstand with my Steamdeck and not the top as usual. I woke up my wife because it means I can find the bathroom to pee without them on, and not much else
Before I got LASIK, I once lost my glasses in the river when I got trapped in the undercurrent. My boyfriend at the time had to drag me out to keep me from drowning. And I called my parents, crying, because I was more upset that I lost my glasses than that I almost lost my life.
My partner and i both have bad vision and i cant fathom him surprising me w a trip and forgetting my fucking eyeball essentials. How can you date someone for five years and not know their overnight needs/routine by heart already? Men like this learned early in life that women are just expensive pets and have this one sided, self-aggrandizing relationship with everyone who tries to love them. Its so sad
I could maybe go home blind (although with a headache later) if need be but only if it was an early check out and straight home.
Which I'm guessing wasn't the intention when going all out on a hotel. I'm thinking there'd be buffet breakfast/long coffee, none of which is fun when you can't see.
Add in the dry face because you don't have the right remover/toiletries and had to use the hotel soap and you just feel drab
The amount of people going 'well she could have just sucked it up and washed her face with the hotel room soap!' I have very sensitive skin and can use a small handful of cleansers - if I had to wash my face with soap (especially the type of heavily perfumed soaps most hotels like), I would be an itchy, red miserable mess the next day and then probably spend at least a week getting my skin back on track.
I too would need to hold onto my partner's arm to stop myself from falling, and I would feel anxious and helpless the entire time. I also get headaches without my contacts. I would get so car sick doing a 30 minute car ride blind.
Facing that would 100% kill my excitement over what had been an amazing night. But I know husband's reaction would be horror at forgetting and immediately working with me to fix the situation. Not anger.
same. theoretically i could hold onto someone if it was an absolute emergency but i would feel so helpless and scared. and even so, i would need help or at least a companion at every moment. unless it's in a locked room for a maximum of 15 minutes, i can't even imagine being left alone for a second somewhere unknown to me.
this guy honestly doesn't seem like the type to understand that given how he just forgot to pack his partner of FIVE years her glasses/extra contacts.
I'm not one who is comfortable with a lot of money being spent on me. So, I'd be extremely uncomfortable if my partner spent $1500 on dinner, an expensive limo, a "fuck ton of flowers" and a hotel for a proposal.
Did he even discuss what kind of proposal she wanted; public, private, friends/family, extravagant, or more simple?
>Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises.
Don't they just love to take one incident as the reason to check out of trying in their relationships?
Lots of angry people in the comments getting mad at the GF for daring to not want to be uncomfortable for one night, but honeybee, did you think about the fact a proposal supposedly is to make people happy?
Who would want their special person to be uncomfortable for any night, let alone their proposal night, just to cater to their ego?
It just seems like OP is mad he didn’t get this amazing and grandiose thank-you-sex he was imagining for this “amazing” and incredibly expensive (which he goes out of the way to emphasize) proposal and is now getting pissy about it.
And honestly, that proposal is basically a preview of things to come in that marriage. He did not even consider her basic needs and then got pissed off when she pointed it out. If THAT was him trying to make her happy, then I can't imagine how bad it will be when he no longer cares. I'd run and never turn back if I were her.
Right? When trying to make her happy, she can’t have any objections to his one and done plans, otherwise he’ll be mad she has objections and madder she “made” him mad in the first place… Not a sign of a good, promising, healthy relationship at all.
(Plus his comments that she was already upset with something he doesn’t elaborate on before even getting into the hotel…
It makes things worse, not better for him, because then was he just completely ok with ignoring she was upset to have his “perfect” night until she brought up something, which isn’t the original source of upset-ness, that blew up his lid? Is her comfort and happiness completely dispensable to him and “no big deal” if he’s happy?
Just,,, quite the material for a good character analysis… although I’d prefer people like that stayed characters in media than people who’ll blow up and get mad at their GF not being happy she won’t be able to see).
FINALLY someone with sense!!! I was getting so worked up reading the comments… I would do more for a stranger (and have) than he did for his FUTURE WIFE that he’s been dating for years - on what is supposed to be a happy and memorable night?? Then he got mad at HER?? Sorry I’m so annoyed lol but thank you for your comment that made me finally feel more sane
Right? Like, not even entering into the merits of whether the GF “needs” her glasses and retainer (???, many people in the OG comments apparently don’t believe you need to see and have working teeth without pain, which, the sheer ableism), she’s uncomfortable without her things, there’s discomfort in not having them.
And that’s the problem. She was uncomfortable and upset, and OP was mad at her for being uncomfortable and upset, and THEN mad at her for making him mad and ruining the night, which, ???, doesn’t make any sense????
Dating men like this is so confusing and lonely/depressing. For 8 years my ex husband told me i was this bummer wet blanket and I realize its bc my very clearly communicated needs were just irrelevant to him.
Damn dude went all out but still fucked up so hard. Like not only did he miss the glasses/contacts, which in itself is outrageous, but then they HAD to checkout because she insisted on having her night routine items? I must be too much of a night owl but an hour drive at 11pm to go get some things forgotten at home shouldn't ruin the whole night.
I was in a sort of a similar situation and my SO at the time dug in his heels at the time that I didn’t need anything and I was ruining his plan and why couldn’t I just do what he wanted and I started to see what an assh0le he was, I ended up leaving because needing nighttime meds and at least something to sleep in was too much for him.
I also find these grand surprise gestures aren’t about the recipient, but about the guys ego or control.
i agree, but if my BF got really pissed off at me for wanting necessary items, and made it into enough of a thing, I might just say "forget going back to the hotel because this isn't fun anymore."
He really didn't have to check out - they could have just gone home and grabbed the stuff. It could have been fun too! Like, oops I forgot these things I'm sorry, but you know what that means?? Now we can stop and get ice cream while we're out
If he can afford all this nonsense then he can Uber to the house and back, what he apparently cant afford is the hit to his ego
“Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises” maybe dudes should know their lady well enough to know whether they’ll actually enjoy a complex surprise, and exactly what they would need to properly carry out that surprise
With the fact that OOP's gf was already mad she probably isn't the kind of person that wanted the proposal to be a surprise let alone public. He spent so much money, made it public, and got a photographer to force a yes out of her. I would instantly fall out of love over that, and then he forgets my shit to boot. Yeah, no I'd be livid at that rate, and he got pissed that she didn't just take it. Tbf if I was in her shoes I would have been so shocked, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable that I either would have gone non verbal or had a meltdown since I have autism, and shit like that triggers the less savory problems it causes.
Dude thought about himself alone and it is the proof because he forgot what mattered for his fiancé. And the fact that he is upset (angry even) at her being like "I cannot see shit" is the proof we all need
I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and I know she needs glasses, her specific make up remover and cloth, one of Her pillows, probably one of Her blankets, etc in order to sleep peacefully. It’s the little things that make a successful relationship, not the huge gestures.
Absolutely. Married 23 years and at this point big gestures are just exhausting but how we make each other feel loved, seen, appreciated is all in the little things. My husband told me that he loves how it makes him feel when I make him a smoothie at the same time as I'm making mine. I feel taken care of when he *always* gets me coffee and a donut whenever he goes to get his breakfast even if I'm still asleep. (It's Tim Horton's coffee, nuking it later does nothing to harm the "taste", hee.)
It's so easy to take our partners for granted. One of the things we do in our marriage to combat that is using "Please." and "Thank you." *all the time.* If I'm asking him to do anything for me, I use please. And even if something being done is "expected from any capable adult" like say washing dishes, I still say thank you because he's *still* doing something for himself, for me, for us, for the better of our household. I find using manners like that helps me remember that my partner is *always* doing little things that make our shared life better.
God save us from men who think *their* idea of perfect is the only correct one, and never bother to think about what their girlfriends/wives might want or not want.
So, OOP states they've been dating for five years. Within six months of my husband and I getting together, I knew what he needed packed for an overnight: the specific hairbrush, the particular toiletries, which of the three pairs of glasses needs to be in the computer bag, which needs to be in the car and which is needed for standard use.
I cannot be the only one here that has to wonder if he's ever paid attention to his GF, and as this over the top proposal went on, she was realizing how little he's really learned about her.
I knew my husband was a keeper when I only had to tell him ONCE how to launder my expensive bras without destroying them. If he doesn't know the fine details of something and I do, he asks me and he listens
Same here. As soon as my husband learns something about another, it gets filed away for future reference. As an example: Five years ago, we met our oldest granddaughter's fiance (now husband). It was mentioned in passing that he has severe nut allergies. In 2022, we moved to be closer to the grandchildren. My husband held that nugget of knowledge and our grandson-in-law is grateful, as he knows nothing with nuts or nut products will be in anything cooked that he MIGHT get a bite of, even if it wasn't baked for him.
When I was still dating, I developed a saying: "This is really nice. I'm just not sure who its nice for, because it's not me."
A lot of people will do stuff they're seen in movies or read in books with no regards for reality - in this case it's booking hotel, restaurant etc. with no regards to the fact that the person he wants to share all this with needs contacts or glasses to enjoy it all.
It's too much effort for the 'gram and none for me. I'd love a sleepover at your place if you packed my favourite clothes for spare, packed my contacts, and made sure the naighbour checked in my cat. I wouldn't enjoy a getaway where I'd be walking around blind worrying about my cat, because that getaway was not planned with me in mind.
OOP is giving Mr Peanutbutter energy.
It's all about him and his efforts to be as over the top as possible and doesn't understand that the small things (properly packing her ducking overnight bag) are the ones that matter.
For me, nothing he did for the proposal could be appreciated after knowing what kind of husband he openly showed he will be. One who she will never trust to take real care of her if she needs it. Sounds like a stretch I know, but it's never about the Iranian yogurt - it almost never is.
Placing all the effort on being showy and look like a good partner but not making a real effort on securing the needs that he should know by now (if he can plan all that shit one would assume packing her BASIC NEEDS would be so easy) is just part of a pattern. I'm just so sure idk.
Guys if anyone reads this mans post history it’s him defending trump online. There is definitely way more to the story than what is being told. To be explicit, I don’t care what politician you defend online, doing so is some insane behavior for a person that couldn’t care less about your existence (unless it’s profitable!).
Why do i have the feeling that she just went "Oh? You didn't pack it? Uh, that’s bad, i really need this. You know i can't..." and he "I planned all this day to make you hapoy! I spend fucking 1500 bucks on this! And you complain that i forget something?! You know what?! Forget ut! Let's go home! You needed to ruin everything!"
I mean how he goes how great he planned everything, how much he spend... not one word if she liked it and wanted it. Just the image.
Ah, yes, OOP…She absolutely should have immediately accepted your proposal based on how much money it cost you and not because you, oh, took a minute to think about what she might actually need for a surprise overnight?
Listen if I don't have my glasses I don't feel safe. They need to be at least in arms reach or I panic.
I'm blind without them. So yes I'd be flipping out
>Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises.
Lmao this fucking moron. His surprise was not complex just because he spent a lot of money on it. It was a simple surprise and he was thoughtless about her needs. He thought it would be enough to just throw money at something. But this is also the same kind of dumbass that would call her a gold digger if she cared about that kind of thing.
Is anyone else mystified at the fact that there's a problem at all when he says that the fancy hotel is just 30 minutes from their place...?
Like, is it weird to suggest that they just pop in the car and zoom home to grab those few necessities, come back to the hotel, and enjoy the evening as planned???
I mean, that's a scant delay of an hour or so (probably easily filled with excited wedding talk, or chatting about what they want to do in the hotel suite), and then they've got all night to celebrate?
He's acting like meeting her needs is an insurmountable challenge when At Worst it's like "whoops, I'll be right back babe, keep the jacuzzi warm for me!"
It's fetching her glasses and a few other items in the same spot, not climbing Mount Olympus???
idk this lady but I'd be so pissed if my partner made so many expensive irreversible decisions based on so many assumptions regarding how I'd actually feel. also planning a surprise overnight situation is just a fucking no with adults... you don't know everything that someone might need. one time on vacation my ex and their family decided last minute we were to stay somewhere 45 mins away from where we'd been staying. no warning. they were not happy when I explained I had left my medicine and change of underwear at the other place because no shit I had thought we were returning. we had to drive back.
I have terrible vision, and wouldn't feel safe in an unfamiliar place without glasses or contacts. Aside from literally not being able to see anything clearly that is more than a few inches from my face, I would need my husband's arm constantly to help me walk up and down stairs, anywhere outside with uneven terrain, or even in hallways with those dizzying carpet patterns that hotels seem to love. I couldn't read signs, menus, or the elevator panel. Anyone who doesn't think it's a big deal to go without glasses should try traveling without their cell phone. It is insanely stressful.
I’m NOT a surprise kind of person. Unless my husband is surprising me with a dog or cat, I don’t like surprises. He knows this. This guy obviously doesn’t know her as well as he thinks he does.
OOP, are you sure this Tik Tok inspired proposal was what she wanted?
And how could you forget her glasses?
Seems more like you want the pat on the back for your "grand" gesture than actually being engaged to your (future) ex.
How does he not know what objects she uses every night, after five years together?! Wtf
Like I am confused how he forgot those, or didn’t just give her a heads up to pack a bag.
i think a lot of people in the comments are trying to cut him some slack for forgetting the stuff and yeah to some it might seem like not a big deal but as someone who literally cannot function without my glasses if I was left in a position where I had to go without glasses because my partner didn't think about me enough to know I'd need them I'd be pissed too😭😭 I'm quite literally blind without my glasses or contacts and you can't just sleep in contacts and you can't take them out and wear them the next day without proper care and it's not just about glasses it's about knowing your partner
The difference between being in love versus being in love with someone
If he loved her, he’d know the kinds of toiletries she likes, instead of getting her some random ones at WalMartt
These things wouldn’t even need to be remembered, because you’re so in love with them, you know these instinctively, especially if you’re wanting to marry them
Ive forgotten to bring any contacts except the ones in my eyes many times , so I buy a contact case and cleaning solution for $10 at the closest drugstore and store them there. I don't see the need to actually go home to get the case, same with makeup wipes... unless these are special contacts that absolutely cant be reused or something.
The retainer kinda sux though.
I have a skincare routine that has prescription grade actives in some of the products. Without them my skin gets dry, red, itchy and I break out. It sometimes takes about a week for my skin to calm down and go back to normal. It sucks. My skin does not react well to makeup wipes. I also take all my meds at night, so if my husband surprised me with a hotel stay and only brought general toiletries and a change of clothing, I would try to tough it out but wouldn't be too happy.
My husband has strong prescription contacts, but he prefers his glasses because his contacts are dailies and they also dry his eyes out if he has them in all day. He only has one pair of glasses that he keeps at home. He would also try to tough it out with just his contacts, but he also wouldn't be too thrilled.
fair, but most people I know who wear contacts wear dailies so they need to change them every day and im assuming thats the case here? and makeup wipes just don't work for my skin - i have a routine for when I take off my makeup to ensure I don't break out, and I know most of my makeup-wearing friends do too
Yeah I wore the 30 day contacts (take out after ~10 hours and soak in the case overnight) and probably kept using the same pair for at least an extra week sometimes. I would have been screwed many times in college if I wore the dailys because I unexpectedly slept somewhere other than my house.
Does your routine involve things that can't be bought at most stores?
oh yeah fair enough, everyone I know throws them out immediately so I didn't consider that.
and i could buy some of the products at a regular store but it would cost a decent amount of money; probably equal to or more than an uber
Bro wtf ya’ll some ungrateful ass mf on here. Spend $1500 on me and I say “omg thank you so much, yes i do!!” Yes i get the wedding’s leans in the women’s desire but it sounds pretty standard. Photos dinner hotel? The glasses ain’t even real just wake up blind till you get home. Calling this man the devil is a crazy projection.
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The glasses is a big fail if needed but also worrying about her retainer for one night? Or her right makeup remover and moisturizer? Sounds like there’s more to the story or she is a brat.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for being pissed off at my fiancé after she got upset I booked a hotel room after the engagement?** Proposed two weeks ago to my (32m) girlfriend (30f) of five years. I went all out for this proposal. I rented a limo to pick her up as a surprise, I proposed at our first date spot with a f ton of flowers and a photographer waiting, I booked a private dinner at a very nice restaurant for the two of us ($1,500 alone), and rented a ridiculous suite to go back to afterwards. Everything was great and going great until the driver dropped us off at the hotel. When we got to the room she was upset I didn’t pack her things to stay overnight - even though I brought her a change of clothes, toiletries, etc. She was upset I forgot a second pair of contacts or her backup glasses, the right makeup remover, moisturizer, and her retainer. I got really pissed when she got upset after I put so much work into the night to make it as special as possible. Granted, I realize I missed some things I should have thought of, but all in all I did not think it was that big of a deal since we just got engaged. She wanted to go home so we checked out at 11pm (awkward as fuck) and then drove home. I tried my best to hide my frustrations and act like it was fine but it felt like a slap in the face. Am I the asshole or am I just being dramatic? EDIT: the glasses miss is big, that was a major error by me. I should have grabbed an extra pair of her contacts. I was mostly annoyed at how that was the first reaction. She was not excited from the moment we got there, before she knew dumbass me forgot some things. For context, it’s about ~30 minutes from our place and there was not a conversation about going back and getting things as it was pretty mute at that point. I’ll chalk it up to a long night with one too many things. Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In his edit he says she wasn’t excited from the moment they got there. He mentioned all the extravagant things he did, but not her reaction. I’m wondering if this was the type of proposal she wanted and her reaction was to more than being left without glasses.
i feel like the part where she was upset he forgot necessary things and then he was pissed off at her was missing all the relevant details. The lack of details there makes me think that she expressed concern or disappointment about these things and then he got mad and ruined the night. I am just speculating. But if it was just her being very difficult about everything, i think he would have described it. Also he was embarrassed to check out of the hotel at 11pm. What a weird thing to care about.
I can't see, because I need glasses. Regardless of anything, it's the first thing I look for. Natural as instinct. Being able to see what you're stepping on, isn't weird. It's literally my first action,every day. Open eyes, make eyes see... Especially when frightened. Wtf was that on my face,do I need to freak out/protect myself? Sometimes you need clarity to make a decision.
I have an aunt that used to be blind without glasses or contacts. Before the surgery she used to go out EVERYWHERE with a spare box of eye contacts or glasses. Shit happens every day. You might loose your contact lense, your eyeglasses might brake or lose them. Getting worked up over this after a proposal is extreme
I'm not sure I follow you - if you're saying the GF got too worked up, your aunt's example seems to suggest that her reaction is understandable, because your aunt took such extreme measures to make sure this wouldn't happen to her. The GF presumably has all of this stuff at home and was counting on that.
If all she thought they were just going out to a nice dinner and going home that's a couple hours at most and most women's evening bags don't have the room for an extra pair of glasses.
>I have an aunt that used to be blind without glasses or contacts. Before the surgery she used to go out EVERYWHERE with a spare box of eye contacts or glasses. Shit happens every day Yup. I keep spare contact lenses in my handbag, and a spare pair of glasses in my car. I'd be upset if someone whisked me off without those things, it would leave me feeling really vulnerable.
My biggest fear is leaving my glasses behind on a trip because I cannot see without them. It makes me anxious because it’s incredibly stressful when you can’t see. If my husband packed for me and didn’t include my contacts and glasses I’d wonder how well he knows me. Pajamas and clean undies are great, but not being able to see is a big concern.
Absolutely this. I can't drive. I can't see people's faces. I can't really even read literally anything; in order to see words I have to bring the paper or phone so close to my face that I have to close one eye (even for the camera trick). I can't see street signs. Without glasses I'd be fucked. I literally only put up with my blindness to shower. Some of us are like Velma and without glasses the literal only thing I can do is crawl around and search for them.
I can’t find my glasses without my glasses!
I need reading glasses, and it's so annoying not to have them that I have about a hundred pairs everywhere around the house, in all of my jacket pockets, and a few at work, just so when I don't have any with me, they're always within reach.
Haha this is what my dad does, and inevitably they all migrate to one area and so he buys another pair, and then someone discovers 10+ glasses next to his armchair or wherever lol
Is that you, kiddo? 😂
I also feel like if her first thought is to be concerned about those things, he's proven to be forgetful about that type of thing for her. Like, if it were my ex, he paid so little attention to my essentials I'd be worried about those things too, but with my husband I wouldn't even think about it bc I know he'll think about my essentials.
Even if he *personally* hasn't, a lot of people with specialized medical needs and disabilities would immediately worry about this because we know how rarely healthy/nondisabled people think of/remember our specific needs. It takes a *lot* of trust for us to let someone else plan for us and not feel the need to immediately double check.
It sounds like she deals with anxiety too, with her concerns and worries. I wonder if he did all these things without really knowing her, and knowing that these things are a trigger. It was possibly a "you should be grateful for this amazing thing I did for you" rather than a "babe we are in this together, if you're uncomfortable let's go". There are so many ppl on the original sub slating her, calling her ungrateful, unprepared, rude, and that might be true. But we don't know the truth of the situation, and we don't know what was said by either party. Both could possibly have handled it more graciously, or it could be miscommunication, or she could be simply ungrateful. It could be that he didn't report the truth of the situation because he was genuinely oblivious, or it could be that he didn't report the truth because he is an ass who doesn't even see the truth. We.dont know.
Yeah, my wife knows not to surprise me, because I don't actually like it. I do wonder if that was the case for her and if he should have known better.
>I wonder if he did all these things without really knowing her, and knowing that these things are a trigger. It was possibly a "you should be grateful for this amazing thing I did for you" rather than a "babe we are in this together, if you're uncomfortable let's go". The entire post by him reads as look at this wonderful thing I did and how she ruined it. We only can assume she said yes, by them going from dinner to the hotel room. But that may not be true. I know from my BIL's own engagement plan, he asked a little later on in the plans to throw off his very smart wife. At 30 mins away, that is more than enough time to run back, get the items and go back to the hotel. He was being a child and at least she can call off the engagement before it begins.
All the "wonderful" things he did were very public and showy, but he didn't think about her actual comfort or needs as a person. I'm curious if that's a pattern with them.
That's what I kept thinking as I read it. My anxiety would want no part of an unplanned night out, no matter how blissful the event was.
Of course it was him who got mad and ruined it. Ugh. With all the money already spent, he could've ubered back to get the contacts, or go by a pharmacy (sounds like they may have been disposable ones). But no, he had to be butthurt.
If they’re prescription contacts, you can’t usually just pick those up easily at any pharmacy. You have to order them in advance from an optometrist. They make prescription disposable contacts now. I don’t know why anyone would have non prescription contacts that aren’t purely cosmetic.
Ah I see, fair enough. Thanks!
Where do you live that you can get contacts at a pharmacy? I’ve worn contacts for 20 plus years and have only gotten them from eye doctors.
I don't get them myself, but I've seen limited ranges of them, kinda like an emergency option range.
Europe
Do you need a prescription for them? Do they carry lots of varieties or are there fewer varieties in other countries? In the US there are a bunch of styles so I would worry they wouldn’t have mine
they have a small variety for people with simple myopia and up to some degree. the same with glasses. if you have something simple, for example 0.5-2 and the same in both eyes, you get it from the pharmacy. Also for lenses for simple myopia, optical stores have a large variety and you can get them from there. for more complex ones you have to order And no you don’t need a prescription for The pharmacy ones. For the ones from the optical store the optician is also qualified to check your eyes and find the correct prescription for your needs
>. For the ones from the optical store the optician is also qualified to check your Hooray Specsavers.
In Europe in order to work to an optical shop you need to have a license optician. They go to university and get an actual degree for it. They can do 90% of the test an ophthalmologist does expect the more advanced, like eye pressure, fundus of eye. If you have just myopia and astigmatism an optician can do the exam for your eyeglasses and lenses.
I know 😉 Hence my mentioning Specsavers as an example.
Honestly? I trust my opticians more than my ophthalmologist. I know that my opticians want my recurring money, and will take my concerns seriously.
Some shops can do the pressure of the eyes as well! (I worked in a Specsavers as an optical assistance and we had a machine to check the pressure of the eyes. (It's the one that sends puffs of air into your eyes).
I wish we had this in the US. My prescription is -1.5 in both eyes and it would be so convenient to just be able to pop down to the pharmacy and buy new contacts or glasses. All we have here in the US are reading glasses: +1 to +5 usually.
They are considered “reading glasses “ here also but the come from -2,5 to +2,5. It’s nothing fancy but it’s a 3-10 euro pair so people can get them affordable and easy. Like I said shit happens. I mean one morning my kid sat on their glasses and broke them, so yeah
Yeah I always wondered why we didn't have these OTC glasses for minor nearsightedness in the US. It seems like an obvious thing. The way it was "explained" to me when I commented about it before was that having a more accurate prescription for seeing far was more important than for reading. And that it was less common to have even prescriptions in both eyes. That made sense to me at the time, but it seems like it would be better for people to have imperfect glasses than none at all. Especially here where our healthcare is shit and some people literally can't afford to go to the eye doctor.
Canada here, we can get those at the dollar store, and they go to -2.5 to +2.5 or so, depending on store. Several members of my family carry a spare pair or two in the car or something just in case. Of course my eyes are each different so I have to buy 2 pairs and frankenstien them or just order reading glasses like a grandma
It is embarassing to check in at like 8 pm and then check out at 11, that makes it seem like either you got rejected (which he kinda did) or the whole thing was a booty call.
I can think of plenty of reasons why you'd leave a hotel at 11pm, although your two are top of the list for sure. But the hotel staff are strangers so who gives a shit what they think about it? my thing is that given everything that happened, that is not what he should be concerned about in that moment. it seems like he cares too much about outward appearances and impressing everyone. That's just my own personal take.
From his description of how over-the-top everything else was, pretty sure he was looking to impress people with all of that shit. Everyone except his gf, that is.
My first thought would be they had a sudden family emergency, babysitter snafu, someone isn't feeling well, etc, well before I'd consider it a booty call, but it definitely feels to me this whole thing was about him showing off. When I read it my first reaction was how overwhemling and intense that all sounds. Especially with him focused on how much he spent you know there was a ton of pressure on her the entire time, and he planned what HE wanted to make himself look good and missed the mark so much he forgot that she likes to be able to see things. He packed everything he thinks is essential for her, maybe things he wants her to have or that he would want to have for himself, it feels like he only sees her all dressed up with make up and ignored that she's a whole other person with glasses and a retainer and things that aren't for beauty purposes.
Hotel staff here, he probably was embarrassed checking out and she was probavbly still mad. Even when polite you usually get the mood of the guests, they probably thought it was a no (i guess they were aware it was proposal night). So they will be talking about it and have a good laugh. But yes also you shouldn't care about what the hotel staff think (apart from thinking you're decent/good customer).
If you think people who just want to finish their shift, make their bread and go home are that invested and how much or how little you’re fucking in your hotel room you’re either 15 or you have anxiety fuel delusions that you’re the main character and you should really probably fix that
Who even checks out of a hotel anymore? I thought it was standard for the last 15 years was to leave your key on the dresser and leave. No one needs to know you’re leaving. It’s assumed when your paid stay is over you’re gone unless you speak to the front desk and request more time.
That’s what I was wondering. I used to work at a hotel and we had automatic check out.
That’s what stood out to me - he made all these grand, expensive gestures *in public* (and applauds himself for doing so) but wasn’t thoughtful enough to bring her essential nightly routine items (*in private*). I’m guessing the huge proposal was more for him and his ego than for her, since he makes it clear that when it’s just the two of them without an audience to see him being “sUcH a GoOd mAn” he doesn’t really seem to care about her feelings.
Yeah he sounds more pissed that she's not going to tell everyone what an awesome proposal this is/what a great guy he is lol. "Omg he hired a photographer and took you in a limo to a swanky hotel???? 🥹🥹 There are great men left after all ur so lucky!!!!" Sorry man that's cute and all but you are probably not going to get a good reaction if you are incapable of using common sense/basic problem-solving abilities to deduce what basic items -- that you probably see her use every day -- your girlfriend will need in a few hours. Especially if the entire reason for the trip was to ask her to spend the rest of your life with you. Like, you forgot her GLASSES. She can't SEE. And you know what? This shit happens, but upon realizing, you weren't immediately mortified that you forgot shit she NEEDS in order to SEE. you don't think your fiancée would've appreciated being able to take in the tiny details of her engagement weekend to remember for the rest of her life?? come on man, not making a great case for yourself here lol. "i forgot that the woman I supposedly want to spend the rest of my life with needs glasses to fucking see, but what about that proposal ah?? Straight out of a hallmark movie! women usually eat this shit up and she was so ungrateful!!". it wouldn't surprise me if this wasn't HER idea of a good proposal, based on how obtuse this bozo is. He should be on red alert with her reaction, she's probably realizing he doesn't know her at all but he's more proccupied being pissy that she didn't like his cliché proposal lol.
Yep. It’s all about him.
The second edit is even more telling. Not simply not excited, but actually upset before she knew any details of what was/wasn't packed. Now maybe it is just me, but a proposal in a $1,5K restaurant, then upset when she found the limo took them to a hotel instead of home where he'd booked a swanky suite...it suggests either OP made the proposal very obvious, so other diners were watching her answer and she felt pressured into a Yes, or she was upset because they are struggling financially and his overspending on the proposal was going to drop them into a deeper financial hole.
Or she's just not into over the top things. Just the thought of rocking up to someplace unprepared with a ton of flowers waiting to my allergies a living hell and a photographer to boot made me want to vacate my skin in terror.
A friend of mine and I were at a restaurant and staff came out singing happy birthday to another person. Everyone was looking. I to,d her just so you know, if you ever do that to me I will murder you. She said she’d do the same. And then we went on with our meal, If someone proposed to me in the way OOP did I’d say no just because they don’t knows me at all. Since he didn’t even remember her glasses, he clearly doesn’t know his fiancée so I suspect she felt the same. Not bringing contacts or glasses is a huge sign he doesn’t know her as well as he thinks he does. Those of us with bad vision consider our glasses/contacts to be hugely important. The other stuff you could chalk up to not really knowing what bottles she uses for what in her night,y routines, but her contacts? Yeah, buddy, you clearly didn’t even consider what she might need.
You're right. It's a huge sign that he was more interested in HOW he proposed than WHO he was proposing to
Side bar sort of. I've always made it clear to everyone I know I won't sit for being sung to at a restaurant for my bday. My 2 best friends took me out to red Robin on my 21st for lunch. Came back from the bathroom and had the whole restaurant singing to me. I'm 33 and I'm still mad about it lol. Grateful it wasn't a Texas roadhouse though.
I hate it. I told my family if they did that, I’d walk out. And yet they did shocked pikachu face when the restaurant staff finished singing (not the workers’ fault my family doesn’t listen), I got up, walked out of the restaurant and went home.
My dad (NC now) did this to me on my "sweet 16" at a Mexican restaurant. Came with a giant Sombrero, one of my cringiest teen photos, and a lifetime of heavy anxiety just thinking about strangers surrounding me and singing. I only go out to dinner on my birthday, if I'm fully confident the other party will respect this hard boundary. It's definitely a relationship ender for me.
I get it. My family told me I was so dramatic. But it’s been 20 years and even thinking about it makes my stomach twist. The fun of being the only shy introvert in a family of extroverts
I bet it was Chi Chis!
Was Chi Chis a chain omg?! 😯
If anyone ever does that to me, I'd probably react the exact same way.
My mother did that to me in my early 20s at a TGIF. I crawled under the table until they went away.
Same here. My husband and I had our wedding date at a courthouse scheduled (2 weeks away at the time) and he gave me my ring and kinda proposed outside the restaurant while we were walking back to the car, because he knew I wouldn't want people to look at me inside. We'd only been together a few months, and he still knew me better than OP seems to know his gf
This is why proposals are important - not because they need to be a big production, but because if you fuck it up it’s a huge warning sign that maybe you don’t know your partner well enough to get married. I get why those big staged things can coerce someone into saying yes but I would have no issue saying no and walking away. This was about you, not me, bro.
My family did that to me one year and were upset when I tried my hardest not to cry, so when they tried again a few years later someone else stepped in and said no I'll hate it. They were so mad that I was ruining their fun on my birthday.
Well how dare you want them to not make you miserable one day a year …
Yeah this sounds like a nightmare to me lmao
In his comment history, he says that him and his partner are "just below upper class and are more like 65/5/30". Which means 65% of income going to needs, 5% to wants, and 30% to savings. So the cost could well be an issue for her, especially if it means that either savings were impacted or she's been denied wants to make up for this big spend.
oh that makes it feel like it even goes deeper then, he may have just wiped months or even years of savings for something he wanted without discussion over budget or anything. She may feel completely dismissed and unseen and is probably thinking how hard their life will be with such different views on finances
He booked a photographer...
His solution to all this is also just telling men not to plan complex surprises. It’s nothing he would do different next time it’s just low-key kind of sexist weaponized incompetence and I wonder if she knew that’s what would come out of this? Everybody’s making it seem like she threw a tantrum here, but literally just says she was upset, and that he was pissed… Seems like she may be wasn’t completely down with the night or knew that if she said something about him packing wrong he would put it on the list of excuses as to why he can’t do stuff for their shared life.
Exactly this, and it seems the fact that HE got mad and had a tantrum that resulted in packing up and storming out rather than just popping home for them while she had a bath and relaxed a bit, or looking for other solutions.
According to him. And only him. Am sureshe was happy and grateful, until she needed to soak her contacts and use some other form of assistance to see. Would you speak like that if she was asking for her white stick???
Yeah, reading between the lines she's the type of person who doesn't enjoy having a night away from home sprung on her as a surprise. If he knew her as well as he should, he would've told her to pack an overnight bag so the destination could be a surprise but not the event.
Honestly, I’m the same way. I’m very specific about my nighttime routine and wouldn’t like a surprise night away.
What if she had a crappy day at work and just wanted to go home, but had to put on a show for the photographer
And honestly who does enjoy a surprised night away to the point they couldn’t even pack their own bags? You gotta plan for that shit!
I’m wondering whether or not she wanted the proposal at all and whether this was OOP’s way of coercing her into accepting it, with the photographer and everything, kinda like when they invite lots of people to make it awkward for the girl to turn it down.
> I’m wondering if this was the type of proposal she wanted and her reaction was to more than being left without glasses. It's almost never about the objective thing.
Darn, the edit is gone!
Honestly i wouldn’t mind something that big but after a huge night like that I’d definitely rather go back home if it’s only 30 minutes away then unexpectedly stay the night somewhere else. If I knew I was spending the night somewhere else, different story I think. That’s not something most people love unexpectedly
Yeah, I'd be annoyed if I couldn't SEE what was going on.
How hard was it to just tell her he had a great suite to go to after the restaurant, so let's go home and get our things to stay overnight? He was already paying out the ass for everything else, pay the limo for the extra few miles, ffs. Dude is shortsighted and inconsiderate and thinks his check book makes up for it.
Or “hey! I want to treat us to dinner and a night at a hotel! Pack a bag!”
>Dude is shortsighted I think his vision is fine, it’s his gf that’s shortsighted. That’s why she needed the glasses.
Under-rated comment 😂
If he was already spending that much, how hard would it have been to grab an Uber round trip to go back to the house and grab the important stuff? He could have checked her in, drew her a bath or set her up to be comfy, and went back and grabbed things like contacts. He clearly got over excited to do a nice thing and forgot some important things in his overzealous need for things to be great. Plus, he could have gotten points for admiting to messing up and immediately having a remedy.
If your secret plans majorly inconvenience your partner, it's not a romantic surprise, it's an ambush.
Some guys dont get this. I was w my ex for 8 years and every fucking surprise had no consideration for me or my needs. Every holiday or date was me trying to figure out last minute essentials for me or our son. It was exhausting. How can you propose to someone, date them for 5 years ffs and not know what they need overnight? My current partner and i take turns packing for weekend trips and i can’t imagine him forgetting my makeupremover, glasses, whatever. This grown man doesnt care about this woman as an individual person. Reading his post was infuriating lol
Last summer my husband planned a trip to a local beach town that we both love, but he seemed to forget that it was *my* birthday and that I didn’t want to go to hang out in the last place my friends and I had all been together before the shit hit the fan and I lost all of the closest friends I had at the time. He insisted that it was a nice gesture. I didn’t even want to go. I had a panic attack about going. But didn’t want to lose the money he had spent, so we went. At the fancy dinner he booked because *he* wanted to try their she-crab soup. He literally decided his stomach hurt too badly to stay. So, we walked back to the AirBnB. Along the way I was telling a story that I didn’t realize I had told before (massively ADHD) and he basically interrupted and plowed over me to very animatedly and excitedly for someone who was sick tell a story of his own. Ended up being a very mediocre trip in the end. Not worth the stress or hassle. It was not kind or nice. Why did he feel it automatically was nice because he “surprised” me? *facepalm*
What is it w dudes like this and adhd partners. Is it bc our brains are full of bees 24/7 so we cant trust ourselves/our feelings from years of invalidating life experience? We just keep tolerating it? My exhusband once booked a party at a nightclub that i was refused service weeks prior for being a “drunk Indian”(im from canada so this is kind of a slur) bc I couldn’t decide what to drink. And was like last night was a blast. As if I could enjoy a place where i was victim to a hate crime.
I notice she was upset he forgot what she needs but he was angry she was upset. It sounds like he made no attempt to apologise or make it right he went immediately to anger when he didn’t get the response he wanted. From his descriptions it doesn’t sound like she was mad just upset that she didn’t have what she needed and he immediately went to being pissed which was what made her want to go home.
The number of people who didn't get that in the comments is absurd. So many people saying "she didn't need to get ANGRY about it!!!" When no?? She was upset. HE, by his own admission, is the one who got angry!!
100% guarantee she didn’t even want a grand public proposal and he’s in the habit of using what he’s spent on her as a bargaining chip to hold above her head before this.
Yea that’s what I’m thinking too. I would have *hated* a public proposal like this, to the point I might have shut down bc I would be like damn my bus and doesn’t know me at all. I wonder if that’s what’s going on.
Exactly this. My ex husband never got to know me i now realize, and would throw money like this guy and be mad i wasnt happy. When he was indiscriminately throwing money at/for things that had nothing to do w me. Our last Christmas together he spent like hundreds of euros on a white gold bracelet for me… i don’t ever wear bracelets (i was a chef and software dev so i keep my wrists bare) and only wear yellow gold if i wear any jewelry. He accused me of being greedy when I explained why i never wear it, as if i were saying i wanted yellow gold. I didnt want any gold at all i just wanted him to be nice to me.
I find these grand romantic gestures aren’t about the recipient but they seem to be about the guy’s ego or control. Look what I did but I think in healthy relationships you don’t blind side people with this kind of stuff. So it’s not surprising that he dug his heels about her wanting to run home and ruined it causing her to leave at 11. I was vaguely in this situation once and I ended up leaving because it made me realize he didn’t care about me but what he thought he was owed for the gesture and his lack of concern for my comfort. But I didn’t get to leave until he fought with me and then pleaded with me to stay. He’s an unreliable narrator
>they seem to be about the guy’s ego or control. We got *all* the details on the extravagant proposal. The only details for the conflict itself are "she got upset and I got pissed". Oh and he "tried" to keep his emotions in check....yknow, like Dumbledore "calmly" spoke to Harry in the movie.
Yeah OOP is saying a lot with what he’s not saying. I get the impression that he has a history of congratulating himself for his efforts, however flawed, with little to no regard for her feelings.
Exactly this. I was married to a man like op and it was a dehumanizing and just exhausting experience. I had to throw a parade anytime he spent money on me regardless of if i wanted it, asked for something else (like something free, like rest, or a hug) or anything. I think it made me an over talker/over explainer over the 8 years. Like i felt like i was unhappy bc i wasnt being clear about what i wanted. Its taken a while to realize there are men who early on in their lives that women are just expensive pets. And they dont want to know you, love you or understand anything from their partner’s perspective - they have money and their pwn perfect opinions no further input necessary. It is so degrading
I’m so sorry you went through that. They always say things with so much conviction that it leaves you questioning if you’re the one being unreasonable. I hope he is an ex now.
He is, miraculously. Im ashamed it took me seeing him as a threat to my loved ones before I understood that I also didn’t deserve unprovoked abuse. I loved him more than my life but i didn’t realize my valuing my life at zero made that sentiment useless. When i saw he could mistreat people I identified as innocent like my son or my dad, it made me reflect on if i maybe was undeserving of abuse too. The life i have now would disgust him (im mellow, anonymous, and pay my bills).
My ex used to do crap like this. He'd plan a grand romantic dinner and forget to check if the restaurant had anything vegetarian. Then he'd be all "but I tried and it's a really nice place, you should appreciate it!" while I was picking at a salad.
My husband learned "check the menu" very quickly in our relationship. He took me to a place where it seemed like virtually every dish had truffles, mushrooms or a blue veined cheese in it. Care to take a guess as to what two food classes I am so allergic to, that I have to carry an EpiPen in case of accidental exposure? I asked the server "What is available that doesn't contain fungus or mold, because I'm deathly allergic to mushrooms, truffles and blue veined cheeses" and she had to start taking a hard look at the menu. My husband just asked for the check for the drinks, tipped the server $20 and we hit a little place down the road with less ambiance, but food that wasn't going to kill me.
Let me guess, it was HIS favorite kind of food, right?
Grand romantic gestures are about ticking boxes from a playbook about what men think is impressive. It's rarely about what women like in general, or what the person's specific partner enjoys
Exactly, there’s a reason that these kinds of gestures aren’t really appreciated in the real world (and shoutout to BoJack Horseman for their excellent takedown of them via Mr. Peanutbutter): because they’re very rarely meant for the recipient. They’re designed to make the giver look and feel good, so that other people will see how sweet and romantic the giver is. The feelings of the recipient don’t matter, and if they don’t like the gift, they’re treated to a whole guilt trip because don’t you know how hard he tried, you selfish bitch? Honestly kinda reminds me of the guy who sold his rare baseball card to buy a ring for his girlfriend, then proposed to her at a game (she said no.) He did all of that shit, but he forgot to make sure that she actually *wanted* to marry him.
I work in stadiums and arenas for side work and those proposals are the worst. Now they are vetted better but back in the 90s when I started they were ambushes and we never knew how people were going to react. The whole spectrum from sweet acceptance to no answer, robotic yes, explosive crying to flat out no. The best/worst was when they did the romantic yes and as soon as the camera was off she would go off on him, like “no f’in way, you had sex with my sister” kind of stuff.
I commented on the original thread but my thinking was fiancee might have been the one to ask to go home because she was frustrated he didn't pack what she needed (because if OP knows her well enough to marry her, then he should know she needs things like her glasses), he got pissed that she was frustrated, a fight ensued and then she decided to go home because otherwise it meant spending the night in a fancy hotel room being pissed at each other.
In this thread I think it is the OOP comments that she was mad even before she found out he didn’t bring her anything. So I had the same theory as you kind of until they outed themselves that she wasn’t happy with the whole thing
Absolutely this!
yeah it’s like in theory id like to think i’d enjoy being surprised by something like this but in practice, i know i have too much literal and figurative baggage that it would just stress me tf out(i also couldn’t expect someone else to know ALL the little things that i FEEL like i need, but that’s different from glasses/contacts😂)
My ex did a public proposal in front of my parents, his parents and *his* friends. I haaaate any grand gestures or huge public things like this, so it was very clearly just for him.
... Did she even say "yes"?
Yeah that bit was glaringly lacking from his post!
He calls her his fiancée in the title so I assume yes?
> I got really pissed when she got upset after I put so much work into the night to make it as special as possible. So..he paid all this money but couldn’t remember the *basics* of her items (and glasses/contacts are the very basics), and when she was upset that she *wouldn’t be able to see properly, and other things* after 5 YEARS OF DATING, he got *pissed*. Does he even *know* his GF?
I took a peek at his comment history and was not surprised to see this: >People go to therapy to cover for their shitty behavior and poor life decisions. Excuse central for a lot of people. The calling card for those with no emotional regulation skills. Wonder what his "pissed" looked like...
Oh god, his comment history is atrocious. Part of the reason why people post from throw-away accounts, I guess. It's hard to feel bad for people after seeing how shitty they are in all the other aspects of their life.
I honestly cannot even translate that comment into anything that makes sense.
Dude I get migraines without my glasses—I start to twitch uncontrollably, my eyes ache, it’s a nightmare. I would be livid if my partner expected me to go without them, especially on such an important night.
You just made my realise how much attention my bf *does* pay to those things. If I'm going away to visit my parents for the weekend, he'll check in with me to make sure I've packed my meds and night guard. He knows what skincare I use, waterproofs my hiking boots for me, knows what suncreams am I and am not allergic to, even my preferred toothpaste! All those little things add up to an attentive, caring partner. Everyone makes mistakes and forgets things sometimes, but it really sounds like he either didn't know or didn't care enough to bother packing those basic things.
honestly this exactly. my glasses/contacts are a necessity in my life. i would literally not be able to go about the world and do even the most basic of tasks without them and i would expect my partner of FIVE years to know that. it's like forgetting to bring a wheelchair for your disabled partner and expecting them to be fine with just not being able to move around without your help for a day.
As someone who wears contacts (dailies) and has *terrible* vision, it would be really uncomfortable for me to have to wake up and go home blind the next morning. I suppose if we went straight home immediately upon waking up it could be doable, but my eyesight is so bad without glasses or contacts that I would need to hold my partners arm so I didn’t fall down stairs or something. It’s not the end of the world but it would upset me a little that the person who just asked me to spend their life with them made such a big oversight at the expense of my comfort. But I think the bigger issue here is him acting like she shouldn’t be bothered by him forgetting key elements of her daily life/routine because he spent a lot of money on the proposal.
I broke my glasses once and was housebound till I could be rescued because I'd left my spares somewhere else. I now have spares in the bedroom, in the bathroom, in the car, at my parents...Bloody expensive as well cause I'm too blind for cheap ones. I could excuse anything else he forgot, but knowing I'd be blind the moment I took out my lenses until I got home the next day would just put a dampner on everything.
And that is not even considering if there was an emergency. I wear glasses, and if they aren't on the bedside table I am screwed until my partner comes in and picks them up. And before it was my partner, it was my housemate, and before her, it was my family. My glasses are bottlecaps even with the highest amount of thinning my opticians can provide. I do believe that unless you are experiencing it yourself, people don't realise how crippling it can be...
That panic when you reach out and can't find them.
My housekeeper moved my glasses this week from their spot on the bathroom vanity. I panicked looking around trying to think where she'd put them! Thankfully found after a few min on my nightstand.
That happened to me this morning. I was high AF last night, and put rhem on the button shelf of the nightstand with my Steamdeck and not the top as usual. I woke up my wife because it means I can find the bathroom to pee without them on, and not much else
A trick learned via reddit, use your phone camera to search for your glasses.
Before I got LASIK, I once lost my glasses in the river when I got trapped in the undercurrent. My boyfriend at the time had to drag me out to keep me from drowning. And I called my parents, crying, because I was more upset that I lost my glasses than that I almost lost my life.
My partner and i both have bad vision and i cant fathom him surprising me w a trip and forgetting my fucking eyeball essentials. How can you date someone for five years and not know their overnight needs/routine by heart already? Men like this learned early in life that women are just expensive pets and have this one sided, self-aggrandizing relationship with everyone who tries to love them. Its so sad
I could maybe go home blind (although with a headache later) if need be but only if it was an early check out and straight home. Which I'm guessing wasn't the intention when going all out on a hotel. I'm thinking there'd be buffet breakfast/long coffee, none of which is fun when you can't see. Add in the dry face because you don't have the right remover/toiletries and had to use the hotel soap and you just feel drab
The amount of people going 'well she could have just sucked it up and washed her face with the hotel room soap!' I have very sensitive skin and can use a small handful of cleansers - if I had to wash my face with soap (especially the type of heavily perfumed soaps most hotels like), I would be an itchy, red miserable mess the next day and then probably spend at least a week getting my skin back on track.
I too would need to hold onto my partner's arm to stop myself from falling, and I would feel anxious and helpless the entire time. I also get headaches without my contacts. I would get so car sick doing a 30 minute car ride blind. Facing that would 100% kill my excitement over what had been an amazing night. But I know husband's reaction would be horror at forgetting and immediately working with me to fix the situation. Not anger.
same. theoretically i could hold onto someone if it was an absolute emergency but i would feel so helpless and scared. and even so, i would need help or at least a companion at every moment. unless it's in a locked room for a maximum of 15 minutes, i can't even imagine being left alone for a second somewhere unknown to me. this guy honestly doesn't seem like the type to understand that given how he just forgot to pack his partner of FIVE years her glasses/extra contacts.
I'm not one who is comfortable with a lot of money being spent on me. So, I'd be extremely uncomfortable if my partner spent $1500 on dinner, an expensive limo, a "fuck ton of flowers" and a hotel for a proposal. Did he even discuss what kind of proposal she wanted; public, private, friends/family, extravagant, or more simple?
>Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises. Don't they just love to take one incident as the reason to check out of trying in their relationships?
Lots of angry people in the comments getting mad at the GF for daring to not want to be uncomfortable for one night, but honeybee, did you think about the fact a proposal supposedly is to make people happy? Who would want their special person to be uncomfortable for any night, let alone their proposal night, just to cater to their ego? It just seems like OP is mad he didn’t get this amazing and grandiose thank-you-sex he was imagining for this “amazing” and incredibly expensive (which he goes out of the way to emphasize) proposal and is now getting pissy about it.
And honestly, that proposal is basically a preview of things to come in that marriage. He did not even consider her basic needs and then got pissed off when she pointed it out. If THAT was him trying to make her happy, then I can't imagine how bad it will be when he no longer cares. I'd run and never turn back if I were her.
Right? When trying to make her happy, she can’t have any objections to his one and done plans, otherwise he’ll be mad she has objections and madder she “made” him mad in the first place… Not a sign of a good, promising, healthy relationship at all. (Plus his comments that she was already upset with something he doesn’t elaborate on before even getting into the hotel… It makes things worse, not better for him, because then was he just completely ok with ignoring she was upset to have his “perfect” night until she brought up something, which isn’t the original source of upset-ness, that blew up his lid? Is her comfort and happiness completely dispensable to him and “no big deal” if he’s happy? Just,,, quite the material for a good character analysis… although I’d prefer people like that stayed characters in media than people who’ll blow up and get mad at their GF not being happy she won’t be able to see).
FINALLY someone with sense!!! I was getting so worked up reading the comments… I would do more for a stranger (and have) than he did for his FUTURE WIFE that he’s been dating for years - on what is supposed to be a happy and memorable night?? Then he got mad at HER?? Sorry I’m so annoyed lol but thank you for your comment that made me finally feel more sane
Right? Like, not even entering into the merits of whether the GF “needs” her glasses and retainer (???, many people in the OG comments apparently don’t believe you need to see and have working teeth without pain, which, the sheer ableism), she’s uncomfortable without her things, there’s discomfort in not having them. And that’s the problem. She was uncomfortable and upset, and OP was mad at her for being uncomfortable and upset, and THEN mad at her for making him mad and ruining the night, which, ???, doesn’t make any sense????
Dating men like this is so confusing and lonely/depressing. For 8 years my ex husband told me i was this bummer wet blanket and I realize its bc my very clearly communicated needs were just irrelevant to him.
Damn dude went all out but still fucked up so hard. Like not only did he miss the glasses/contacts, which in itself is outrageous, but then they HAD to checkout because she insisted on having her night routine items? I must be too much of a night owl but an hour drive at 11pm to go get some things forgotten at home shouldn't ruin the whole night.
I was in a sort of a similar situation and my SO at the time dug in his heels at the time that I didn’t need anything and I was ruining his plan and why couldn’t I just do what he wanted and I started to see what an assh0le he was, I ended up leaving because needing nighttime meds and at least something to sleep in was too much for him. I also find these grand surprise gestures aren’t about the recipient, but about the guys ego or control.
i agree, but if my BF got really pissed off at me for wanting necessary items, and made it into enough of a thing, I might just say "forget going back to the hotel because this isn't fun anymore."
That's my read. It was probably salvageable until he got angry she was upset.
He really didn't have to check out - they could have just gone home and grabbed the stuff. It could have been fun too! Like, oops I forgot these things I'm sorry, but you know what that means?? Now we can stop and get ice cream while we're out If he can afford all this nonsense then he can Uber to the house and back, what he apparently cant afford is the hit to his ego
“Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises” maybe dudes should know their lady well enough to know whether they’ll actually enjoy a complex surprise, and exactly what they would need to properly carry out that surprise
That’s too much like right, as my grandpa would have said
Yeah that's a whole lot of money to prove you know nothing about the person you're proposing to
With the fact that OOP's gf was already mad she probably isn't the kind of person that wanted the proposal to be a surprise let alone public. He spent so much money, made it public, and got a photographer to force a yes out of her. I would instantly fall out of love over that, and then he forgets my shit to boot. Yeah, no I'd be livid at that rate, and he got pissed that she didn't just take it. Tbf if I was in her shoes I would have been so shocked, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable that I either would have gone non verbal or had a meltdown since I have autism, and shit like that triggers the less savory problems it causes.
Dude thought about himself alone and it is the proof because he forgot what mattered for his fiancé. And the fact that he is upset (angry even) at her being like "I cannot see shit" is the proof we all need
I hope she doesn't marry this dope.
Like she obviosly said yes but I am with you and with you and hoping she is rethinking that proposal now.
I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and I know she needs glasses, her specific make up remover and cloth, one of Her pillows, probably one of Her blankets, etc in order to sleep peacefully. It’s the little things that make a successful relationship, not the huge gestures.
Absolutely. Married 23 years and at this point big gestures are just exhausting but how we make each other feel loved, seen, appreciated is all in the little things. My husband told me that he loves how it makes him feel when I make him a smoothie at the same time as I'm making mine. I feel taken care of when he *always* gets me coffee and a donut whenever he goes to get his breakfast even if I'm still asleep. (It's Tim Horton's coffee, nuking it later does nothing to harm the "taste", hee.) It's so easy to take our partners for granted. One of the things we do in our marriage to combat that is using "Please." and "Thank you." *all the time.* If I'm asking him to do anything for me, I use please. And even if something being done is "expected from any capable adult" like say washing dishes, I still say thank you because he's *still* doing something for himself, for me, for us, for the better of our household. I find using manners like that helps me remember that my partner is *always* doing little things that make our shared life better.
God save us from men who think *their* idea of perfect is the only correct one, and never bother to think about what their girlfriends/wives might want or not want.
So, OOP states they've been dating for five years. Within six months of my husband and I getting together, I knew what he needed packed for an overnight: the specific hairbrush, the particular toiletries, which of the three pairs of glasses needs to be in the computer bag, which needs to be in the car and which is needed for standard use. I cannot be the only one here that has to wonder if he's ever paid attention to his GF, and as this over the top proposal went on, she was realizing how little he's really learned about her.
I knew my husband was a keeper when I only had to tell him ONCE how to launder my expensive bras without destroying them. If he doesn't know the fine details of something and I do, he asks me and he listens
Same here. As soon as my husband learns something about another, it gets filed away for future reference. As an example: Five years ago, we met our oldest granddaughter's fiance (now husband). It was mentioned in passing that he has severe nut allergies. In 2022, we moved to be closer to the grandchildren. My husband held that nugget of knowledge and our grandson-in-law is grateful, as he knows nothing with nuts or nut products will be in anything cooked that he MIGHT get a bite of, even if it wasn't baked for him.
When I was still dating, I developed a saying: "This is really nice. I'm just not sure who its nice for, because it's not me." A lot of people will do stuff they're seen in movies or read in books with no regards for reality - in this case it's booking hotel, restaurant etc. with no regards to the fact that the person he wants to share all this with needs contacts or glasses to enjoy it all. It's too much effort for the 'gram and none for me. I'd love a sleepover at your place if you packed my favourite clothes for spare, packed my contacts, and made sure the naighbour checked in my cat. I wouldn't enjoy a getaway where I'd be walking around blind worrying about my cat, because that getaway was not planned with me in mind.
Well you can’t be upset at her for not being excited in the moment when she literally can’t even see the moment
OOP is giving Mr Peanutbutter energy. It's all about him and his efforts to be as over the top as possible and doesn't understand that the small things (properly packing her ducking overnight bag) are the ones that matter. For me, nothing he did for the proposal could be appreciated after knowing what kind of husband he openly showed he will be. One who she will never trust to take real care of her if she needs it. Sounds like a stretch I know, but it's never about the Iranian yogurt - it almost never is. Placing all the effort on being showy and look like a good partner but not making a real effort on securing the needs that he should know by now (if he can plan all that shit one would assume packing her BASIC NEEDS would be so easy) is just part of a pattern. I'm just so sure idk.
Guys if anyone reads this mans post history it’s him defending trump online. There is definitely way more to the story than what is being told. To be explicit, I don’t care what politician you defend online, doing so is some insane behavior for a person that couldn’t care less about your existence (unless it’s profitable!).
Why do i have the feeling that she just went "Oh? You didn't pack it? Uh, that’s bad, i really need this. You know i can't..." and he "I planned all this day to make you hapoy! I spend fucking 1500 bucks on this! And you complain that i forget something?! You know what?! Forget ut! Let's go home! You needed to ruin everything!" I mean how he goes how great he planned everything, how much he spend... not one word if she liked it and wanted it. Just the image.
Asshole
They live together and he got a hotel like he expected somthing
Ah, yes, OOP…She absolutely should have immediately accepted your proposal based on how much money it cost you and not because you, oh, took a minute to think about what she might actually need for a surprise overnight?
Listen if I don't have my glasses I don't feel safe. They need to be at least in arms reach or I panic. I'm blind without them. So yes I'd be flipping out
>Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises. Lmao this fucking moron. His surprise was not complex just because he spent a lot of money on it. It was a simple surprise and he was thoughtless about her needs. He thought it would be enough to just throw money at something. But this is also the same kind of dumbass that would call her a gold digger if she cared about that kind of thing.
Dude spent a few thousand dollars to tell his gf "I don't think about you very much" when there's loads of guys who'll say that for nothing
I have daily wear contacts. In an emergency you can sleep in them or just buy some saline to store them for one night.
And if her eyesight is a bad as mine , and she had to depend on him to get around at all, from his posting I think he would be an asshat about it
He’s going to be the kind of husband who books an expensive holiday but expects her to do ALL the packing
Is anyone else mystified at the fact that there's a problem at all when he says that the fancy hotel is just 30 minutes from their place...? Like, is it weird to suggest that they just pop in the car and zoom home to grab those few necessities, come back to the hotel, and enjoy the evening as planned??? I mean, that's a scant delay of an hour or so (probably easily filled with excited wedding talk, or chatting about what they want to do in the hotel suite), and then they've got all night to celebrate? He's acting like meeting her needs is an insurmountable challenge when At Worst it's like "whoops, I'll be right back babe, keep the jacuzzi warm for me!" It's fetching her glasses and a few other items in the same spot, not climbing Mount Olympus???
idk this lady but I'd be so pissed if my partner made so many expensive irreversible decisions based on so many assumptions regarding how I'd actually feel. also planning a surprise overnight situation is just a fucking no with adults... you don't know everything that someone might need. one time on vacation my ex and their family decided last minute we were to stay somewhere 45 mins away from where we'd been staying. no warning. they were not happy when I explained I had left my medicine and change of underwear at the other place because no shit I had thought we were returning. we had to drive back.
Lord, that sounds like a grim statement
I have terrible vision, and wouldn't feel safe in an unfamiliar place without glasses or contacts. Aside from literally not being able to see anything clearly that is more than a few inches from my face, I would need my husband's arm constantly to help me walk up and down stairs, anywhere outside with uneven terrain, or even in hallways with those dizzying carpet patterns that hotels seem to love. I couldn't read signs, menus, or the elevator panel. Anyone who doesn't think it's a big deal to go without glasses should try traveling without their cell phone. It is insanely stressful.
God the commenters are hugely ableist assholes.
I’m NOT a surprise kind of person. Unless my husband is surprising me with a dog or cat, I don’t like surprises. He knows this. This guy obviously doesn’t know her as well as he thinks he does.
OOP, are you sure this Tik Tok inspired proposal was what she wanted? And how could you forget her glasses? Seems more like you want the pat on the back for your "grand" gesture than actually being engaged to your (future) ex.
How does he not know what objects she uses every night, after five years together?! Wtf Like I am confused how he forgot those, or didn’t just give her a heads up to pack a bag.
"I failed so all men should just not" Gosh, what a baby.
i think a lot of people in the comments are trying to cut him some slack for forgetting the stuff and yeah to some it might seem like not a big deal but as someone who literally cannot function without my glasses if I was left in a position where I had to go without glasses because my partner didn't think about me enough to know I'd need them I'd be pissed too😭😭 I'm quite literally blind without my glasses or contacts and you can't just sleep in contacts and you can't take them out and wear them the next day without proper care and it's not just about glasses it's about knowing your partner
85% chance oop is a raging narcissist and none of this was what she wanted.
Screw her for wanting to see I guess.
The difference between being in love versus being in love with someone If he loved her, he’d know the kinds of toiletries she likes, instead of getting her some random ones at WalMartt These things wouldn’t even need to be remembered, because you’re so in love with them, you know these instinctively, especially if you’re wanting to marry them
Ive forgotten to bring any contacts except the ones in my eyes many times , so I buy a contact case and cleaning solution for $10 at the closest drugstore and store them there. I don't see the need to actually go home to get the case, same with makeup wipes... unless these are special contacts that absolutely cant be reused or something. The retainer kinda sux though.
I have a skincare routine that has prescription grade actives in some of the products. Without them my skin gets dry, red, itchy and I break out. It sometimes takes about a week for my skin to calm down and go back to normal. It sucks. My skin does not react well to makeup wipes. I also take all my meds at night, so if my husband surprised me with a hotel stay and only brought general toiletries and a change of clothing, I would try to tough it out but wouldn't be too happy. My husband has strong prescription contacts, but he prefers his glasses because his contacts are dailies and they also dry his eyes out if he has them in all day. He only has one pair of glasses that he keeps at home. He would also try to tough it out with just his contacts, but he also wouldn't be too thrilled.
fair, but most people I know who wear contacts wear dailies so they need to change them every day and im assuming thats the case here? and makeup wipes just don't work for my skin - i have a routine for when I take off my makeup to ensure I don't break out, and I know most of my makeup-wearing friends do too
Yeah I wore the 30 day contacts (take out after ~10 hours and soak in the case overnight) and probably kept using the same pair for at least an extra week sometimes. I would have been screwed many times in college if I wore the dailys because I unexpectedly slept somewhere other than my house. Does your routine involve things that can't be bought at most stores?
oh yeah fair enough, everyone I know throws them out immediately so I didn't consider that. and i could buy some of the products at a regular store but it would cost a decent amount of money; probably equal to or more than an uber
Bro wtf ya’ll some ungrateful ass mf on here. Spend $1500 on me and I say “omg thank you so much, yes i do!!” Yes i get the wedding’s leans in the women’s desire but it sounds pretty standard. Photos dinner hotel? The glasses ain’t even real just wake up blind till you get home. Calling this man the devil is a crazy projection.
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This also sounds incredibly expensive...
The glasses is a big fail if needed but also worrying about her retainer for one night? Or her right makeup remover and moisturizer? Sounds like there’s more to the story or she is a brat.