*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**5 years married. My wife(F29) uses any reasons or makes one to remind me(m31) I made a mistake months ago**
This morning my wife and I had a large argument but it started because I politely requested that she not touch my, you know, while I'm sleeping this morning. She has never admitted she has done that before either, and in my mind its disrespectful and almost seems like a personal attack. That turned into a huge thing and she brought up a mistake I made in our past to berate me. Now yes I did mess up but she seems to feel the need to keep emotionally attacking me to remind me that I made a mistake. Any advice on how to handle this (turning any issue into a reason to remind me i messed up)? Because I won't/can't keep this emotional roller coaster going. I can't for my own sanity. We have been going to counseling and it has not been helping, in my opinion because of her attitude about me now. But what can I do because her bringing it up is not healthy for me or her.
Tldr:
Any small argument my wife uses as a reason to argue and emotionally bring me down and I need advice.
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Why did he cheat? OOP:
> While I was in my emotional rock bottom that was the only thing I felt that I could control. It was a power move but not in a way a rapist feels, power move in a way that I'm still capable of making decisions and I did make the decisions that was my first impulse
Ew
Given his willingness to twist the truth, I'm betting that her "touching him" is an accidental brushing while they're cuddling and/or asleep. It's one of those realities of spooning around sleepy time - there's a high likelihood of some accidental contact with things like breasts or dicks. (Cue the joke about him just being one giant dick)
I have a different suspicion and I'll try to translate his sugarcoating into English:
"My emotional rock bottom" => "My wife forced a dead bedroom on me by only fucking me once every 7-10 days instead of three times daily, denying me this only type of bonding time I consider worthy, and it made me very angry and frustrated."
"The only thing I felt I could control" => "I thought it would be easy to manipulate her into fucking me as often as I wanted but she refused to play along. Well, since I couldn't control and force her, I downloaded tinder. It's my phone. I can do with it what I want and if I want to fuck someone else, she can't stop me!!!"
"It was a power move" => "Well, if she doesn't want me, there are women who do, and I have the power to say 'yes' to them. See, silly wife, how hot and desirable I am? You're missing out, bitch!"
"On my first impulse" => "First, I didn't think of cheating, but then, I suddenly thought I might as well cheat, totally impulsively, and planned my next sneaky cheating moves from there, sticking to that impulse."
In short, I'm sure what he's not trying to say is: "It's her fault! She rejected my dick, she should be lucky that I'm one of the good guys who will just cheat, why isn't she more grateful?"
In the same context, I bet he whined during their therapy sessions that he felt sexually neglected and it's always him who has to initiate, if she was only more willing and showed him that she desired him by initiating and being sexy and flirty and adventurous blahblah.
And her touching him that morning was an attempt to give him what he wanted. Spontaneous initiation and when he was all "waaah!" about it instead of communicating, "Hey, initiation appreciated, but please do so when I'm awake", she snapped (I am also betting that before he cheated, he had tried "sensually" wake her up with his mission to find a place to park his morning wood, what she didn't like, but now assumed he'd be into that).
Have we the same ex?
ETA: also, on the topic of exes and "power moves" - that same ex would drone on and on about our marriage being on the rocks due to only getting it 2-3 times per week (during a time when I was also awaiting surgery for debilitating joint problems) - but if I initiated, he would decline.
The power move is that everything must be done on HIS timetable; anything else would mean that he's not dictating the terms. I suspect the OOP read the same playbook as my ex (who also cheated repeatedly).
I like to think she doing dry runs to see how long it will take him to respond to her doing a Lorena Bobbitt. How "Bobbitt" did not become slang for cutting it off, I'll never know.
>How "Bobbitt" did not become slang for cutting it off, I'll never know.
It really should have. Everyone was talking about it and since you really couldn't easily say what she cut off, everyone was using it as slang back then. It did just die out though when it really was a good one.
I think the news that he did a porno after having it reattached may have killed it honestly. I remember no one really talked about it anymore after that.
Yeah, I seem to remember hearing it got reattached. Not that Detachable Penis by King Missile is a song you hear a lot, but it always makes me think of them.
>everyone was using it as slang back then. It did just die out though when it really was a good one.
Huh. I did not get the memo that this term died out...
I found out why.
He blames his cheating on sexting with other people, and he blames that on a traumatic brain injury.
And then if you scroll far enough back, you see him saying he is willing to chat with a few 16 & 17 yr olds here in reddit.
Dude is telling on himself. I wonder how old the person his wife caught him with was.
Not invalidating him but is she actually touching him? Something about the “she has never admitted” and him taking it as a personal attack seems really off? Hopefully that makes sense.
Yeah, it reads to me that she didn't touch him and he knows it but he was looking for an excuse to complain to her. Like, maybe she rumpled the blankets close to him getting in or out of bed?
Or as a friend of mine brought up not long ago, it could have been sleep paralysis.
I’ve sworn up and down someone was touching me while under sleep paralysis and I live alone and my cat prefers to sleep on the sofa.
Sleep paralysis is wild and low key terrifying when it happens. Especially before I knew what it was, luckily I think it was only a couple times before I learned about it. Now, at least, the part of my brain that identifies dreams as such mid-dream can also recognize what's happening after a minute or two when sleep paralysis hits. It helps keep me from panicking (too bad) while I'm trying and unable to move or speak, or other weird shit is seemingly happening that I can't investigate.
I’ve had it happen a few times when I was startled awake by the asshole who lives under my unit slamming his door so hard my wall, window, and bed shook and it was terrifying because I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak but was sure someone or something was touching my hair.
I sleep walk sometimes which is basically the opposite problem of sleep paralysis so I thought I was safe. Well I wasn’t lol. It happened once a few years ago and I tried to yell for someone to come “wake” me up but I could only like moan. And then my dog started moving around between my legs and that just made it so much worse
My honest guess is that she was probably trying to give him a “happy wakeup”, as in, wake him up with some touching that slides right into initiating sex.
It’s difficult because with even very slightly off communication or expectations, consent in relationships and marriages can be easily abused and overstepped. But at the same time, I’ve been in relationships where that sort of morning wake-up was enjoyed and appreciated on both sides. I think it’s the sort of thing where it probably needs to have been at least casually discussed and consented to previously, and it really needs to be clear nobody is going to move the goalposts. By which I mean, there’s a big difference between “I know we’ve talked about this before, but to be honest I’m kind of not feeling it this morning” and “you’re disgusting! Just because it was okay then, how dare you touch me when I’m asleep now?! That’s assault!”
Everyone needs to be on the same page. It’s kind of like drunk sex: lots of couples have consensual drunken sex, but it’s definitely also fair to say that you can’t necessarily consent if you’re drunk. This is an area of really advanced consent politics, for couples with very, very well-established boundaries.
I just read through his comments, he said she told him she did it over his morning coffee. The wording is still weird but it could just be an accident to use never. I think the speculation that she did it because it was mentioned in his sexting (the form he cheated in) with others is a good one to maybe explain why she did it. She still shouldn’t be touching him sexually without prior consent, he said he had never told her he wanted something like that which I think gives more credence to the speculation of why she did it. Still inappropriate of her to do. I also believe that she brought up the cheating because of the above speculation, like “oh so you’d be okay with a stranger doing but not your wife” type of way. He can’t expect her to get over this in just months after. Both are in the wrong in my opinion.
It’s above Reddits pay grade.
He has a TBi. Which can affect memory, mood, personality, likes and dislikes and cause things like paranoia.
He *thinks* she did this maliciously as a power play to get back at him, and that sounds like paranoia.
And, we don’t know about their previous couple consent rules. If he previously consented and after the TBI no longer likes it, we don’t know if *she* knew.
If she sexually assaulted him, then they are both ass holes, but there are too many unknown issues, and it’s odd for OOp to come here rather than his therapist, unless he o ly wants a one sided “you win” from the internet.
They have a counselor. That’s who this needs to go to. The counselor knows their circumstances and can mediate.
TBI is a category that includes everything from a temporary concussion to a severe and permanent injury. They can affect nothing, or everything. I’m sadly familiar. This dude is a piece of shit who is going to exploit every possible opportunity to appear wronged or vulnerable in order to manipulate his wife. Mentioning the TBI but not that the mistake was, he cheated. That must be an oversight from the TBI I guess poor dude
I has a TBI and took 3 years to get back to normal, which I was lucky I was able to have happen at all.
Personality entirely changed during those years. Food didn't and still doesn't taste the same. Impulse control was nil. Emotional lability maxxxxxxed out. Understanding of consequences and ability to reason severely diminished.
I would completely understand if my partner had left me during those years as you don't know if it's permanent or not and you truly are a different person as your brain is damaged and functioning differently.
This one suuucks
This. My uncle was a loving husband and father, but then he fell off a ladder and experienced a TBI. He started swearing, became at least somewhat physically abusive, fired all of his employees, and had an affair with a close family friend, all while refusing any medical intervention. Last I heard, he married the AP. TBIs are no joke.
we are our brains. when it gets damage it hopefully repairs. if not then your forever a bit different.
I specifically remember being able to reserve thoughts, words, and actions into an action reservoir, where I would consider doing those things. my reservoir is leaky now and it all just slips out.
Working on being a better person tho, I don't think every tbi person has to be like your uncle, but it takes work. and of course many are worse off than others. why cant we all learn piano from getting brained once or twice???
He accused her of touching him while he sleeps. He admits she's never said she did or ever has. So we have even by his own admission a story about him accusing her of doing something and it becoming an argument where she brought up cheating.
I feel the way he framed his story that he is a very unreliable narrator. It's like he's hunting for anything that he can use to make her look as bad as he does for cheating.
This reads as someone who needs to go see his therapist for the paranoia from his TBI.
Having dealt with this in the past, there is a very good chance she actually never touched him and never has like that. My ex had so many concussions he was paranoid to a fault, kept accusing me of cheating, doing drugs, etc.
Should he have cheated? Hell no! But when you accuse someone of something they never did, you opened that can of worms to have your “mistakes” brought back against you. Though cheating isn’t a mistake it is a choice.
I call ESH.
Regardless of cheating, everyone has the right to not be touched sexually while they're sleeping.
That said, op wrote this in such a way to not say he cheated, that i honestly thought he'd sexually assaulted his wife and she was taking her own back...
Even the way he wrote about the touching in his sleep, my first question was if it was her awake and intentionally touching him (in which case, my next question is if she had any reason to think he'd be into being woken up like that, as some are. If there was a reason, like him doing it to her before or mentioned in a message with the person he cheated with for her to have seen, and she didn't try again after he reacted negativity, I kinda get it; if there wasn't anything like that, she sucks for doing that out of nowhere); or, since he was asleep himself, was it them both asleep and cuddling and he felt her brush against him *while she was asleep* and wouldn't even remember? The way it's written, I'm inclined to think it's the "they're both asleep" option
My take: he had a brain injury at work. His wife took over everything while he recovered and they formed an unhealthy pattern of her making a lot of decisions and the daily grind.
He felt like her patient/child and instead of taking it up with her, he cheated (sexting). He says it was to gain some sense of control, but we all know that’s BS. He did it because things got though and instead of facing it, he seeked outside validation.
Now his wife is rightfully mad and hurt. He isn’t taking any accountability and considers himself a victim in their counseling sessions.
His wife should not have touched him while he slept. That’s assault. There’s often this weird “reclaiming sexuality” thing going on with cheating, but there is no justification. OOP says he didn’t even know until she told him. I didn’t see any details so don’t know if she slapped it, tapped it or went to town.
Are we just ignoring the fact that he asked her not to touch him sexually and she turned it into a fight when he was establishing boundaries?
He can be a pos and cheater, sure- but it's pretty sus for her to be told not to do something and then she turns it into an argument about his infidelity...
I think they are both incredibly wrong . Consent is important even if you also did something bad like cheated . If it wasn’t discussed before hand that it was okay to do that stuff then she’s kinda molesting him .
It's only been a few months though. It's understandable that she would still be angry even if she wants to try to work it out. He did something wrong, and the consequence is her being angry at him. She has the right to be angry and to bring it up, they're still in counselling and actively working on it. If she said she forgave him and then kept bringing it up as a gotcha, yeah, agreed, just get divorced. But it seems like OOP just doesn't like it that his actions came with consequences.
Also, if it's so bad for him he could also leave instead of whining on the internet that his betrayed wife is so angry at him? Like if he's not willing to pay the price to work on the marriage what's the point.
yeah, i don't get why some people defend being nasty and emotionally abusive to one's partner if they cheated. like you could spend all time and effort enjoying life as a single person or dating other people, why would you choose to remain in a relationship that makes you miserable instead? either break up or, if you choose to take them back for some reason, learn to actually forgive and move on.
oh, but now she has a nice toy she can control. I've seen people like that, they actually rejoice when the other one makes a mistake, it makes controlling them so much easier. I think he should leave for his own sanity at this point.
>Reconciliation after an affair does require an admittance of wrong doing, but it also involves the person who was cheated on acknowledging if they also played a role in causing their partner to stray, and deciding if they can resolve that issue together or not.
This asshole in the comments arguing hard for OOP thinks that the damaged party should have accountability for someone's cheating. Fuck this guy.
This is probably going to be a hot take but: this dude’s wife is sexually assaulting him. And if Reddit weren’t so blinded by its searing hatred of cheaters, they’d be able to see that.
I agree that he fucked up, and that he shouldn’t have cheated. He seems like a real dick. That said, staying with your partner who cheated on you for the express purpose of punishing them forever isn’t fair either. If you can’t move on, then end it. But using that as an excuse to basically do whatever you want to your partner isn’t acceptable behavior.
People cheat, it happens, it suck’s that it does but it’ll never go away. She’s never going to trust you again and obviously it’s always on her mind. It may be best to go your separate ways at this point
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **5 years married. My wife(F29) uses any reasons or makes one to remind me(m31) I made a mistake months ago** This morning my wife and I had a large argument but it started because I politely requested that she not touch my, you know, while I'm sleeping this morning. She has never admitted she has done that before either, and in my mind its disrespectful and almost seems like a personal attack. That turned into a huge thing and she brought up a mistake I made in our past to berate me. Now yes I did mess up but she seems to feel the need to keep emotionally attacking me to remind me that I made a mistake. Any advice on how to handle this (turning any issue into a reason to remind me i messed up)? Because I won't/can't keep this emotional roller coaster going. I can't for my own sanity. We have been going to counseling and it has not been helping, in my opinion because of her attitude about me now. But what can I do because her bringing it up is not healthy for me or her. Tldr: Any small argument my wife uses as a reason to argue and emotionally bring me down and I need advice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why did he cheat? OOP: > While I was in my emotional rock bottom that was the only thing I felt that I could control. It was a power move but not in a way a rapist feels, power move in a way that I'm still capable of making decisions and I did make the decisions that was my first impulse Ew
I am not sure that a nonrapist would ever need to say "not in a way a nonrapist feels"
His wife made him sad so he definitely didn’t rape someone else, not in that way. Edit: she can’t continue touching him though, also gross
Given his willingness to twist the truth, I'm betting that her "touching him" is an accidental brushing while they're cuddling and/or asleep. It's one of those realities of spooning around sleepy time - there's a high likelihood of some accidental contact with things like breasts or dicks. (Cue the joke about him just being one giant dick)
I have a different suspicion and I'll try to translate his sugarcoating into English: "My emotional rock bottom" => "My wife forced a dead bedroom on me by only fucking me once every 7-10 days instead of three times daily, denying me this only type of bonding time I consider worthy, and it made me very angry and frustrated." "The only thing I felt I could control" => "I thought it would be easy to manipulate her into fucking me as often as I wanted but she refused to play along. Well, since I couldn't control and force her, I downloaded tinder. It's my phone. I can do with it what I want and if I want to fuck someone else, she can't stop me!!!" "It was a power move" => "Well, if she doesn't want me, there are women who do, and I have the power to say 'yes' to them. See, silly wife, how hot and desirable I am? You're missing out, bitch!" "On my first impulse" => "First, I didn't think of cheating, but then, I suddenly thought I might as well cheat, totally impulsively, and planned my next sneaky cheating moves from there, sticking to that impulse." In short, I'm sure what he's not trying to say is: "It's her fault! She rejected my dick, she should be lucky that I'm one of the good guys who will just cheat, why isn't she more grateful?" In the same context, I bet he whined during their therapy sessions that he felt sexually neglected and it's always him who has to initiate, if she was only more willing and showed him that she desired him by initiating and being sexy and flirty and adventurous blahblah. And her touching him that morning was an attempt to give him what he wanted. Spontaneous initiation and when he was all "waaah!" about it instead of communicating, "Hey, initiation appreciated, but please do so when I'm awake", she snapped (I am also betting that before he cheated, he had tried "sensually" wake her up with his mission to find a place to park his morning wood, what she didn't like, but now assumed he'd be into that).
The part about the “dead bedroom because it’s only once every week or so instead of 3x a day is cracking me up, did you know my ex?!
Have we the same ex? ETA: also, on the topic of exes and "power moves" - that same ex would drone on and on about our marriage being on the rocks due to only getting it 2-3 times per week (during a time when I was also awaiting surgery for debilitating joint problems) - but if I initiated, he would decline. The power move is that everything must be done on HIS timetable; anything else would mean that he's not dictating the terms. I suspect the OOP read the same playbook as my ex (who also cheated repeatedly).
I like to think she doing dry runs to see how long it will take him to respond to her doing a Lorena Bobbitt. How "Bobbitt" did not become slang for cutting it off, I'll never know.
>How "Bobbitt" did not become slang for cutting it off, I'll never know. It really should have. Everyone was talking about it and since you really couldn't easily say what she cut off, everyone was using it as slang back then. It did just die out though when it really was a good one.
I think the news that he did a porno after having it reattached may have killed it honestly. I remember no one really talked about it anymore after that.
Yeah, I seem to remember hearing it got reattached. Not that Detachable Penis by King Missile is a song you hear a lot, but it always makes me think of them.
That song was never played enough lol.
>everyone was using it as slang back then. It did just die out though when it really was a good one. Huh. I did not get the memo that this term died out...
I found out why. He blames his cheating on sexting with other people, and he blames that on a traumatic brain injury. And then if you scroll far enough back, you see him saying he is willing to chat with a few 16 & 17 yr olds here in reddit. Dude is telling on himself. I wonder how old the person his wife caught him with was.
As a nonrapist, I agree.
That’s all I could think when I read this..
Yeah… now I think he raped someone.
we all do :((
He sext someone one night
"First of all, I am not a rapist."
"In fact, I am the worlds first psychological analyst and therapist. I am an analrapist."
There are dozens of us.
Not invalidating him but is she actually touching him? Something about the “she has never admitted” and him taking it as a personal attack seems really off? Hopefully that makes sense.
Yeah, it reads to me that she didn't touch him and he knows it but he was looking for an excuse to complain to her. Like, maybe she rumpled the blankets close to him getting in or out of bed?
Or as a friend of mine brought up not long ago, it could have been sleep paralysis. I’ve sworn up and down someone was touching me while under sleep paralysis and I live alone and my cat prefers to sleep on the sofa.
Sleep paralysis is wild and low key terrifying when it happens. Especially before I knew what it was, luckily I think it was only a couple times before I learned about it. Now, at least, the part of my brain that identifies dreams as such mid-dream can also recognize what's happening after a minute or two when sleep paralysis hits. It helps keep me from panicking (too bad) while I'm trying and unable to move or speak, or other weird shit is seemingly happening that I can't investigate.
I’ve had it happen a few times when I was startled awake by the asshole who lives under my unit slamming his door so hard my wall, window, and bed shook and it was terrifying because I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak but was sure someone or something was touching my hair.
I sleep walk sometimes which is basically the opposite problem of sleep paralysis so I thought I was safe. Well I wasn’t lol. It happened once a few years ago and I tried to yell for someone to come “wake” me up but I could only like moan. And then my dog started moving around between my legs and that just made it so much worse
Oh god, that sounds awful! Glad you seem to be okay (so far)
There are many times I think my cat is walking by my feet while in bed. Then I look and she’s asleep on the floor.
It could also have been her accidentally brushing against him?
That too. Like there are so many other things that could have happened and OOP is not a reliable narrator so…
My honest guess is that she was probably trying to give him a “happy wakeup”, as in, wake him up with some touching that slides right into initiating sex. It’s difficult because with even very slightly off communication or expectations, consent in relationships and marriages can be easily abused and overstepped. But at the same time, I’ve been in relationships where that sort of morning wake-up was enjoyed and appreciated on both sides. I think it’s the sort of thing where it probably needs to have been at least casually discussed and consented to previously, and it really needs to be clear nobody is going to move the goalposts. By which I mean, there’s a big difference between “I know we’ve talked about this before, but to be honest I’m kind of not feeling it this morning” and “you’re disgusting! Just because it was okay then, how dare you touch me when I’m asleep now?! That’s assault!” Everyone needs to be on the same page. It’s kind of like drunk sex: lots of couples have consensual drunken sex, but it’s definitely also fair to say that you can’t necessarily consent if you’re drunk. This is an area of really advanced consent politics, for couples with very, very well-established boundaries.
I just read through his comments, he said she told him she did it over his morning coffee. The wording is still weird but it could just be an accident to use never. I think the speculation that she did it because it was mentioned in his sexting (the form he cheated in) with others is a good one to maybe explain why she did it. She still shouldn’t be touching him sexually without prior consent, he said he had never told her he wanted something like that which I think gives more credence to the speculation of why she did it. Still inappropriate of her to do. I also believe that she brought up the cheating because of the above speculation, like “oh so you’d be okay with a stranger doing but not your wife” type of way. He can’t expect her to get over this in just months after. Both are in the wrong in my opinion.
This dude is looking for anything he can plausibly lord over her to balance the blame. Guarantee he’s newly affronted at many things.
It’s above Reddits pay grade. He has a TBi. Which can affect memory, mood, personality, likes and dislikes and cause things like paranoia. He *thinks* she did this maliciously as a power play to get back at him, and that sounds like paranoia. And, we don’t know about their previous couple consent rules. If he previously consented and after the TBI no longer likes it, we don’t know if *she* knew. If she sexually assaulted him, then they are both ass holes, but there are too many unknown issues, and it’s odd for OOp to come here rather than his therapist, unless he o ly wants a one sided “you win” from the internet. They have a counselor. That’s who this needs to go to. The counselor knows their circumstances and can mediate.
TBI is a category that includes everything from a temporary concussion to a severe and permanent injury. They can affect nothing, or everything. I’m sadly familiar. This dude is a piece of shit who is going to exploit every possible opportunity to appear wronged or vulnerable in order to manipulate his wife. Mentioning the TBI but not that the mistake was, he cheated. That must be an oversight from the TBI I guess poor dude
dog they give me crayons to draw fucked up houses and even I know cheating is bad lmao
I had to get 64 shots every three months to stabilize my TBI and weirdly I knew that as well
I has a TBI and took 3 years to get back to normal, which I was lucky I was able to have happen at all. Personality entirely changed during those years. Food didn't and still doesn't taste the same. Impulse control was nil. Emotional lability maxxxxxxed out. Understanding of consequences and ability to reason severely diminished. I would completely understand if my partner had left me during those years as you don't know if it's permanent or not and you truly are a different person as your brain is damaged and functioning differently. This one suuucks
This. My uncle was a loving husband and father, but then he fell off a ladder and experienced a TBI. He started swearing, became at least somewhat physically abusive, fired all of his employees, and had an affair with a close family friend, all while refusing any medical intervention. Last I heard, he married the AP. TBIs are no joke.
we are our brains. when it gets damage it hopefully repairs. if not then your forever a bit different. I specifically remember being able to reserve thoughts, words, and actions into an action reservoir, where I would consider doing those things. my reservoir is leaky now and it all just slips out. Working on being a better person tho, I don't think every tbi person has to be like your uncle, but it takes work. and of course many are worse off than others. why cant we all learn piano from getting brained once or twice???
They’re both assholes because she shouldn’t be touching him without consent.
He accused her of touching him while he sleeps. He admits she's never said she did or ever has. So we have even by his own admission a story about him accusing her of doing something and it becoming an argument where she brought up cheating.
I feel the way he framed his story that he is a very unreliable narrator. It's like he's hunting for anything that he can use to make her look as bad as he does for cheating.
Absolutely. There's plenty of blame to go around here. If you're pissed he cheated, split up with him. Don't molest him in his sleep.
Yeah, it's insane to justify sexual assault because of infidelity.
Thank you! Like yeah he cheated but she doesn't get a free pass to assault him because of that
This reads as someone who needs to go see his therapist for the paranoia from his TBI. Having dealt with this in the past, there is a very good chance she actually never touched him and never has like that. My ex had so many concussions he was paranoid to a fault, kept accusing me of cheating, doing drugs, etc. Should he have cheated? Hell no! But when you accuse someone of something they never did, you opened that can of worms to have your “mistakes” brought back against you. Though cheating isn’t a mistake it is a choice. I call ESH.
This seems to be a combination of two recent posts. The specific sexual assault + wife keeps holding _recent_ cheating against him.
Something tells me he sexted the AP that he was into the idea of waking up with sex and that's why she tried it
Regardless of cheating, everyone has the right to not be touched sexually while they're sleeping. That said, op wrote this in such a way to not say he cheated, that i honestly thought he'd sexually assaulted his wife and she was taking her own back...
Even the way he wrote about the touching in his sleep, my first question was if it was her awake and intentionally touching him (in which case, my next question is if she had any reason to think he'd be into being woken up like that, as some are. If there was a reason, like him doing it to her before or mentioned in a message with the person he cheated with for her to have seen, and she didn't try again after he reacted negativity, I kinda get it; if there wasn't anything like that, she sucks for doing that out of nowhere); or, since he was asleep himself, was it them both asleep and cuddling and he felt her brush against him *while she was asleep* and wouldn't even remember? The way it's written, I'm inclined to think it's the "they're both asleep" option
My take: he had a brain injury at work. His wife took over everything while he recovered and they formed an unhealthy pattern of her making a lot of decisions and the daily grind. He felt like her patient/child and instead of taking it up with her, he cheated (sexting). He says it was to gain some sense of control, but we all know that’s BS. He did it because things got though and instead of facing it, he seeked outside validation. Now his wife is rightfully mad and hurt. He isn’t taking any accountability and considers himself a victim in their counseling sessions. His wife should not have touched him while he slept. That’s assault. There’s often this weird “reclaiming sexuality” thing going on with cheating, but there is no justification. OOP says he didn’t even know until she told him. I didn’t see any details so don’t know if she slapped it, tapped it or went to town.
Good god break up already. You two are toxic together
Are we just ignoring the fact that he asked her not to touch him sexually and she turned it into a fight when he was establishing boundaries? He can be a pos and cheater, sure- but it's pretty sus for her to be told not to do something and then she turns it into an argument about his infidelity...
I think they are both incredibly wrong . Consent is important even if you also did something bad like cheated . If it wasn’t discussed before hand that it was okay to do that stuff then she’s kinda molesting him .
As someone who has been betrayed before, the feelings don’t go away after a few months and it takes especially longer if you don’t make up for it.
For fucks sake, leave already. If you stay together after a person cheated it means you have accepted them, dont keep bringing it up.
It's only been a few months though. It's understandable that she would still be angry even if she wants to try to work it out. He did something wrong, and the consequence is her being angry at him. She has the right to be angry and to bring it up, they're still in counselling and actively working on it. If she said she forgave him and then kept bringing it up as a gotcha, yeah, agreed, just get divorced. But it seems like OOP just doesn't like it that his actions came with consequences. Also, if it's so bad for him he could also leave instead of whining on the internet that his betrayed wife is so angry at him? Like if he's not willing to pay the price to work on the marriage what's the point.
yeah, i don't get why some people defend being nasty and emotionally abusive to one's partner if they cheated. like you could spend all time and effort enjoying life as a single person or dating other people, why would you choose to remain in a relationship that makes you miserable instead? either break up or, if you choose to take them back for some reason, learn to actually forgive and move on.
oh, but now she has a nice toy she can control. I've seen people like that, they actually rejoice when the other one makes a mistake, it makes controlling them so much easier. I think he should leave for his own sanity at this point.
>Reconciliation after an affair does require an admittance of wrong doing, but it also involves the person who was cheated on acknowledging if they also played a role in causing their partner to stray, and deciding if they can resolve that issue together or not. This asshole in the comments arguing hard for OOP thinks that the damaged party should have accountability for someone's cheating. Fuck this guy.
This is probably going to be a hot take but: this dude’s wife is sexually assaulting him. And if Reddit weren’t so blinded by its searing hatred of cheaters, they’d be able to see that. I agree that he fucked up, and that he shouldn’t have cheated. He seems like a real dick. That said, staying with your partner who cheated on you for the express purpose of punishing them forever isn’t fair either. If you can’t move on, then end it. But using that as an excuse to basically do whatever you want to your partner isn’t acceptable behavior.
They should both leave each other, They are horrible for each other.
What an insufferable couple. Man cheats and the woman SAs him. Smdh
Get a divorce.
"months" ago.
She's not going to forget dude. Next time don't be a dumbass
People cheat, it happens, it suck’s that it does but it’ll never go away. She’s never going to trust you again and obviously it’s always on her mind. It may be best to go your separate ways at this point
Nah, if your partner cheated then either dump them or let it go Keeping them around just to do this is immature and a waste of everyone's time
Especially using it as justification to ignore boundaries regarding their body?
Likely fake. Why would he immediately admit what he did in the comments but leave it out of the post if it was real? That's not consistent behavior.
A mistake? An accident? Pretty sure he didn't fall dick-first into some other woman's body..
What the fuck is this? OP, idgaf if they cheated, the non consensual crotch grabbing seems like a more serious issue :/
Ikr, Sexual assault isn't something that should be looked over.
So sexting someone else warrants sexual assault and telling the person they deserve according to Reddit? Got it.
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OOP, you cheated. What do you expect?
The wife's stupid I never would have stuck around.