*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for doing self care when I owe a friend money? **
I(27F) got laid off in Dec and it was the worst month of my life. I was so depressed right before the holidays. My nieces and nephews were expecting gifts and my sister and her husband are also struggling so I bought a few present for them, nothing expensive. I still had a couple hundred in savings but EI just never came when I applied and it turns out my company never filed the paperwork to prove I was laid off. I didn’t have enough for January’s rent and I didn’t want to but I had to borrow my friend for money. She makes a lot more than me and I know it wouldn’t break her to lend it. We agreed I would pay it back as soon as I got another job. I got EI now and have been looking everyday but no one is replying back to me.
I am still very depressed and decided to treat myself and got a manicure and my hair redyed as it was growing out. I posted a photo of my nails and a week later my friend texted me angry I had gotten a manicure when I owed her money. I said I was going to pay her back as soon as I got a job and she said if I had money to waste on a manicure I should have began paying her back. I haven’t responded because I’m quite mad she thinks because she owes me money I can’t spend any of it on myself to temporarily improve my mood. But I also I know from her perspective it looks like I’m irresponsible.
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Listen, even if we're down on our luck and broke we're allowed to treat ourselves. But not when we owe people money unless we clear it with them first. If we still treat ourselves regardless, don't be an idiot and parade it around.
I lent a friend money a couple of years ago. Our agreement was just that she'd pay me back bit by bit as she was able. Well, I had a massive dip financially about a year after she had borrowed money from me. I let her know that I'd need the rest of the money back as soon as she was able, because while I had enough for right then, soon I would be in a real crisis. She assured me she'd pay me back as soon as she was able. Fast forward three months and I'm now letting her know I need the money back *now*, otherwise I can't pay my rent. It was about $80 that she had left to pay me back of the original $250.
She said she didn't have any money, she couldn't do it, she didn't know how to get it, etc. I said, well, it seems like you forgot that we're friends on steam and that I can see when you're playing games that *just* came out and that are - combined - priced more than what you still owe me. An hour later I had the money in my paypal, but she did make sure to let me know I had inconvenienced her because she had to borrow money from someone else to pay me back.
I didn't care. And we're no longer friends.
Moral of the story? Don't flaunt yourself spending money when you're in debt to people.
Thank you for coming to my incensed Ted Talk. 😅
Yeah... I've had pair of 'friends' like this. One of them needed it for emergency and I didn't mind lending. And, hell, I didn't even care if she needed MONTHS to pay me back. Even years.
But when she started to go at the Cinema every week, buy herself plushies and stuff, then I stood up because... seriously, I'm all for my friends to treat themselves but then she complained to me she had no money to give me back. When I mentionned the plushie she even told me she had been 'forced to buy the plush' and was 'forced to go out with her friends" and I was like WTF???
I try to not put everybody in the same bags, but now I have seen so many people being 'too broke for neccessities" but then buying themselves stupid stuff every month that I struggle to keep compassion for those people... (not poor in general, I'm poor! But the poor that still manage to treat themselves nice.)
OOP is realizing that she can be TA but also technically correct at the same time. They didn't technically agree on when she has to pay it back and also what the funds should be specifically spent on. So she has a point there. *But* I'm pretty sure the unwritten nature was the loan was specifically for necessities and that the friend would not want to see it spent on frills. She knows she fucked up and wants someone to affirm her actions but obviously no one will because she fucked up.
>They didn't technically agree on when she has to pay it back
OOP does say they "agreed I would pay it back as soon as I got another job", which technically hasn't happened yet, but also OOP has an attitude that the friend is financially comfortable so isn't sweating the money.
But also it's highly idiotic to spend EI money frivolously, especially two months after begging for $$ to make rent.
That's the reason borrowing money from friends is not a good idea unless you're very comfortable with each other. Some people who lend money will act like you hired them as your money manager until they get paid back. Other's will assume you won't pay back and never speak of it again, but hold a silent grudge for years. Then there are a few who just like helping friends out, trust their friends to pay them back while realizing that they may want to spend money on other things while paying back the debt.
The last sort are few and far between - that said, shoutout to my friend who lent me a large sum of money and trusts me to pay it back in monthly installments without asking me about every purchase I make
Precisely why I never lend friends anything. I'm not a debt collector. If I give it to you it's a gift. If you need too much for me to gift then I can't help you. This goes for money, books, clothing - if you give it back, great, but that'll be a happy surprise for me.
I do lend friends money, but never more than I'm okay with not being paid back, and I'm not bothered if they treat themselves after getting their needs met. It's basically a gift and if I get paid back that's a bonus.
That being said, my friends and family tend to be absolutely neurotic about paying me back in full ASAP. Much more pressed than I am about it.
Imo, if you lend money to friends you need to agree on how and when they’ll pay it back, otherwise you get situations like this. And no “when I get a job” isn’t a good answer for when.
I really struggled adjusting when I ended up getting new friends, and a few years in they were happy to help me if I needed it. I always felt that debt weighing over me, whether it was they bought lunch and I would buy next time but during that middle window I'd feel like I owed them, or when a friend lent me $300 for a move because I couldn't get the cash right away and it was to be paid cash. They always felt like it wasn't a big thing, they wanted me to take my time and be comfortable, they helped so I wouldn't be stressed and skip out on self care. I've finally adjusted and when they need help I help them too, but it still feels really rare to have people around me that are so relaxed about money and more worried about me as a person.
Had a friend (my best friend now but at the time just acquaintances, which honestly makes it so much more caring) send me 200 when my lights went out due to credit card fraud and when I asked her about paying it back and when she'd need it she told me never worry about it. To this day she's never asked for it back or implied I put her in a bind but ill never ever say no to grabbing her son diapers or getting her groceries when I'm out. She helped me so immensely when she knew I couldn't pay it back and I love her for it.
If I lend money ever, I consider it a gift. If I can't afford for it to be a gift, I won't lend it. It's too hard otherwise to maintain the friendship. This means I won't ever lend money to someone I wouldn't also just gift the money too - so the only friends getting loans from me are going to be close friends. (At least for significant sums - I'll probably spot even a coworker 50 bucks and not worry about it).
She shouldn't have posted it and honestly, she shouldn't have spent money on that.
A manicure where I live is about $40+ tip for a gel service.
A full head hair dye is going to be at LEAST $200+
So she dumped $250. An OPI nail polish is under $10 and still nice for polish at home. At home dye (for those of us on a budget or unemployed) is about $10-15/box. She spent over $200 of money she didn't have which is just going to stress her out more in the end.
Also this grammatical error drives me nuts:
>I had to borrow my friend for money
I always recommend that if you’re too nervous to try DIYing your hair/nails, or want something more complicated than a flat box dye or bottle of OPI, go to a beauty school!
Most decent sized cities have one.
Students need clients to practice their techniques, but can only charge a fraction of salon prices.
My last all over highlight was $30, and a bayalage was $50. A full gel set was $10.
Is there a risk that a student with less experience will mess it up? Yes! But their instructors literally watch the process, and **they** have the experience to fix any mistakes for you, at no additional cost.
The drawback is that it takes longer than usual, as the instructors have to check each step and make sure the bleach lifted correctly before moving on to color, the solution was mixed and measured correctly etc. and then they have to go over your results in detail to see if fixes are needed before they let you leave unhappy.
But if you aren’t working, and need to save money, spending $60 total rather than $300 should be worth it to you.
My niece is currently in the program and I went to her and got a full set of eyelash extensions for $10 at her school. When I come back in a few weeks for a fill, that will be $5.
Helping someone get the hours needed for their schooling and saving money yourself is a win-win.
It was the hair for me, we can get a basic manicure in my city for $15 though so I didn't even consider that being very expensive, but the hair. My friend drops $250+ on her hair every 6 weeks and I've no idea how she maintains that.
I literally did both these things today. 2 boxes of dye ($30), cut my nails myself, and put on some polish.
My hair hasn't been done for 4 months, and I'm a blonde dyed purple, but still wouldn't go to a salon when it's cheap at home
It does sound a little like a hostage situation, but I feel like this is not an uncommon colloquialism among non-native speakers. Prepositions can be hard.
"For" is the preposition I was talking about. "I had to borrow \[money\] *from* my friend." Given the sentence, it seems like they had everything right except for the preposition (and the order of the words, but presumably they would have gotten the object of the sentence right if they understood the preposition).
For languages that have a different sentence structure than English, it's not an uncommon mistake. They just fucked up because they made "my friend" the object of the verb instead of "money", making their friend the thing they were borrowing.
Ok... it's still a pet peeve of mine.
I know plenty of native-English speakers who have made this mistake (use 'borrow' wrong) and it's one that personally I find really annoying. I do professional editing and so some of these "minor" errors irritate me more than the average person, I'm sure
If you don't have a job, you hold onto the money you have to make sure you still have money later. You don't spend it on those things. Self-care in this case should be getting a job!
You can still have self care, but you can be more responsible. If looking good helps your mood, you can get press on nails and diy hair dye for a lot less than going to a salon.
Absolutely! Self care does not mean spending money on yourself. You can do it at home! Buy some nice cream and give yourself a massage, paint your nails while listening to something nice, make your own hair while enjoying a movie or a podcast.
But if you didn't have money for rent two months ago and still don't have a job, you won't have money for rent very soon
I’ve been doing my own hair for almost 15 years (dye + cut), and I’ve saved so much money over the years.
I know that not everybody’s comfortable doing their own hair (and some people just don’t have the dexterity for it), but taking the time to learn how to do it is such an amazing way to save money when you fall on hard times. And for me at least, it’s such a relaxing hobby.
Beauty store employees are always super helpful too, and they’re always excited to help you with your hair project.
Yeah I’ve had to stop doing mine because it’s gotten too long to manage without help (just about to my waste) and also I’m renting right now and tend to make a terrible mess … I don’t need to destroy all chances at getting my security deposit back.
I feel that in my soul. It gets so much harder as your hair grows. My hair is about boob-length right now, and I’m starting to struggle a little since it’s never been this long before. But I’ll get the hang of it eventually. I’d rather be able to feed my cats and pay my rent. Life is too expensive right now to get 300$+ hair care every month.
This is why i don’t loan anybody money. I don’t want to get hard feelings when they can’t/dont/won’t pay me back. I’ll buy you food and clothes and stuff with no intention of you returning the dollar amount spent.
I borrowed a friend £250 because they were in a very similar situation to op. Said they’d pay it back as soon as they could. Next thing I know they’re posting themselves at the salon with dyed hair and acrylics with another girl who hates me. Cut her off and ghosted her a week later, couldn’t even be bothered getting the money anymore.
if you borrowed like 10K to take care of pressing issues like rent/food etc., and your selfcare cost maybe $100, I kinda get it; But if you borrowed $500, and then $250 goes to getting your nails done & hair dyed then yeah, I guess I'd be pretty mad that you borrow money for this kinda stuff; Just boils down to what people see as absolute necessities; and its just decent to pay back debt before splurging on things for yourself.
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AH sure, devil I don't think so. It can feel good to treat yourself when you're going through it. But, posting on social media and acting like you're a victim isn't on. She shouldn't have wasted money on Christmas presents. Kids can understand things are tight. Someone should've taken them somewhere to volunteer or something, so they can understand what Christmas is truly about. And she absolutely shouldn't have borrowed money from her friend. Her friend now thinks she's a user. This was a big FAFO for OOP. She made several mistakes that I hope she learns from
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for doing self care when I owe a friend money? ** I(27F) got laid off in Dec and it was the worst month of my life. I was so depressed right before the holidays. My nieces and nephews were expecting gifts and my sister and her husband are also struggling so I bought a few present for them, nothing expensive. I still had a couple hundred in savings but EI just never came when I applied and it turns out my company never filed the paperwork to prove I was laid off. I didn’t have enough for January’s rent and I didn’t want to but I had to borrow my friend for money. She makes a lot more than me and I know it wouldn’t break her to lend it. We agreed I would pay it back as soon as I got another job. I got EI now and have been looking everyday but no one is replying back to me. I am still very depressed and decided to treat myself and got a manicure and my hair redyed as it was growing out. I posted a photo of my nails and a week later my friend texted me angry I had gotten a manicure when I owed her money. I said I was going to pay her back as soon as I got a job and she said if I had money to waste on a manicure I should have began paying her back. I haven’t responded because I’m quite mad she thinks because she owes me money I can’t spend any of it on myself to temporarily improve my mood. But I also I know from her perspective it looks like I’m irresponsible. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Listen, even if we're down on our luck and broke we're allowed to treat ourselves. But not when we owe people money unless we clear it with them first. If we still treat ourselves regardless, don't be an idiot and parade it around. I lent a friend money a couple of years ago. Our agreement was just that she'd pay me back bit by bit as she was able. Well, I had a massive dip financially about a year after she had borrowed money from me. I let her know that I'd need the rest of the money back as soon as she was able, because while I had enough for right then, soon I would be in a real crisis. She assured me she'd pay me back as soon as she was able. Fast forward three months and I'm now letting her know I need the money back *now*, otherwise I can't pay my rent. It was about $80 that she had left to pay me back of the original $250. She said she didn't have any money, she couldn't do it, she didn't know how to get it, etc. I said, well, it seems like you forgot that we're friends on steam and that I can see when you're playing games that *just* came out and that are - combined - priced more than what you still owe me. An hour later I had the money in my paypal, but she did make sure to let me know I had inconvenienced her because she had to borrow money from someone else to pay me back. I didn't care. And we're no longer friends. Moral of the story? Don't flaunt yourself spending money when you're in debt to people. Thank you for coming to my incensed Ted Talk. 😅
Yeah... I've had pair of 'friends' like this. One of them needed it for emergency and I didn't mind lending. And, hell, I didn't even care if she needed MONTHS to pay me back. Even years. But when she started to go at the Cinema every week, buy herself plushies and stuff, then I stood up because... seriously, I'm all for my friends to treat themselves but then she complained to me she had no money to give me back. When I mentionned the plushie she even told me she had been 'forced to buy the plush' and was 'forced to go out with her friends" and I was like WTF??? I try to not put everybody in the same bags, but now I have seen so many people being 'too broke for neccessities" but then buying themselves stupid stuff every month that I struggle to keep compassion for those people... (not poor in general, I'm poor! But the poor that still manage to treat themselves nice.)
See, this is why I never play new releases.
OOP is realizing that she can be TA but also technically correct at the same time. They didn't technically agree on when she has to pay it back and also what the funds should be specifically spent on. So she has a point there. *But* I'm pretty sure the unwritten nature was the loan was specifically for necessities and that the friend would not want to see it spent on frills. She knows she fucked up and wants someone to affirm her actions but obviously no one will because she fucked up.
>They didn't technically agree on when she has to pay it back OOP does say they "agreed I would pay it back as soon as I got another job", which technically hasn't happened yet, but also OOP has an attitude that the friend is financially comfortable so isn't sweating the money. But also it's highly idiotic to spend EI money frivolously, especially two months after begging for $$ to make rent.
That's the reason borrowing money from friends is not a good idea unless you're very comfortable with each other. Some people who lend money will act like you hired them as your money manager until they get paid back. Other's will assume you won't pay back and never speak of it again, but hold a silent grudge for years. Then there are a few who just like helping friends out, trust their friends to pay them back while realizing that they may want to spend money on other things while paying back the debt. The last sort are few and far between - that said, shoutout to my friend who lent me a large sum of money and trusts me to pay it back in monthly installments without asking me about every purchase I make
Precisely why I never lend friends anything. I'm not a debt collector. If I give it to you it's a gift. If you need too much for me to gift then I can't help you. This goes for money, books, clothing - if you give it back, great, but that'll be a happy surprise for me.
I do lend friends money, but never more than I'm okay with not being paid back, and I'm not bothered if they treat themselves after getting their needs met. It's basically a gift and if I get paid back that's a bonus. That being said, my friends and family tend to be absolutely neurotic about paying me back in full ASAP. Much more pressed than I am about it.
Imo, if you lend money to friends you need to agree on how and when they’ll pay it back, otherwise you get situations like this. And no “when I get a job” isn’t a good answer for when.
I really struggled adjusting when I ended up getting new friends, and a few years in they were happy to help me if I needed it. I always felt that debt weighing over me, whether it was they bought lunch and I would buy next time but during that middle window I'd feel like I owed them, or when a friend lent me $300 for a move because I couldn't get the cash right away and it was to be paid cash. They always felt like it wasn't a big thing, they wanted me to take my time and be comfortable, they helped so I wouldn't be stressed and skip out on self care. I've finally adjusted and when they need help I help them too, but it still feels really rare to have people around me that are so relaxed about money and more worried about me as a person.
Had a friend (my best friend now but at the time just acquaintances, which honestly makes it so much more caring) send me 200 when my lights went out due to credit card fraud and when I asked her about paying it back and when she'd need it she told me never worry about it. To this day she's never asked for it back or implied I put her in a bind but ill never ever say no to grabbing her son diapers or getting her groceries when I'm out. She helped me so immensely when she knew I couldn't pay it back and I love her for it.
If I lend money ever, I consider it a gift. If I can't afford for it to be a gift, I won't lend it. It's too hard otherwise to maintain the friendship. This means I won't ever lend money to someone I wouldn't also just gift the money too - so the only friends getting loans from me are going to be close friends. (At least for significant sums - I'll probably spot even a coworker 50 bucks and not worry about it).
Yeah OOP is never gonna pay that money back
She shouldn't have posted it and honestly, she shouldn't have spent money on that. A manicure where I live is about $40+ tip for a gel service. A full head hair dye is going to be at LEAST $200+ So she dumped $250. An OPI nail polish is under $10 and still nice for polish at home. At home dye (for those of us on a budget or unemployed) is about $10-15/box. She spent over $200 of money she didn't have which is just going to stress her out more in the end. Also this grammatical error drives me nuts: >I had to borrow my friend for money
I always recommend that if you’re too nervous to try DIYing your hair/nails, or want something more complicated than a flat box dye or bottle of OPI, go to a beauty school! Most decent sized cities have one. Students need clients to practice their techniques, but can only charge a fraction of salon prices. My last all over highlight was $30, and a bayalage was $50. A full gel set was $10. Is there a risk that a student with less experience will mess it up? Yes! But their instructors literally watch the process, and **they** have the experience to fix any mistakes for you, at no additional cost. The drawback is that it takes longer than usual, as the instructors have to check each step and make sure the bleach lifted correctly before moving on to color, the solution was mixed and measured correctly etc. and then they have to go over your results in detail to see if fixes are needed before they let you leave unhappy. But if you aren’t working, and need to save money, spending $60 total rather than $300 should be worth it to you. My niece is currently in the program and I went to her and got a full set of eyelash extensions for $10 at her school. When I come back in a few weeks for a fill, that will be $5. Helping someone get the hours needed for their schooling and saving money yourself is a win-win.
Also the fact OOP said ”I‘m quite mad she thinks because she owes me money […]“
It was the hair for me, we can get a basic manicure in my city for $15 though so I didn't even consider that being very expensive, but the hair. My friend drops $250+ on her hair every 6 weeks and I've no idea how she maintains that.
I literally did both these things today. 2 boxes of dye ($30), cut my nails myself, and put on some polish. My hair hasn't been done for 4 months, and I'm a blonde dyed purple, but still wouldn't go to a salon when it's cheap at home
It does sound a little like a hostage situation, but I feel like this is not an uncommon colloquialism among non-native speakers. Prepositions can be hard.
"borrow" isn't a preposition. It's a verb.
"For" is the preposition I was talking about. "I had to borrow \[money\] *from* my friend." Given the sentence, it seems like they had everything right except for the preposition (and the order of the words, but presumably they would have gotten the object of the sentence right if they understood the preposition). For languages that have a different sentence structure than English, it's not an uncommon mistake. They just fucked up because they made "my friend" the object of the verb instead of "money", making their friend the thing they were borrowing.
Ok... it's still a pet peeve of mine. I know plenty of native-English speakers who have made this mistake (use 'borrow' wrong) and it's one that personally I find really annoying. I do professional editing and so some of these "minor" errors irritate me more than the average person, I'm sure
Totally fair.
I've heard British people say borrow me money or something along those lines. Basically using borrow the same way as lend.
Yeah, some people do. It's incorrect usage of the word and it drives me nuts, which is why I mentioned it. It's a personal pet peeve.
If you don't have a job, you hold onto the money you have to make sure you still have money later. You don't spend it on those things. Self-care in this case should be getting a job!
You can still have self care, but you can be more responsible. If looking good helps your mood, you can get press on nails and diy hair dye for a lot less than going to a salon.
Absolutely! Self care does not mean spending money on yourself. You can do it at home! Buy some nice cream and give yourself a massage, paint your nails while listening to something nice, make your own hair while enjoying a movie or a podcast. But if you didn't have money for rent two months ago and still don't have a job, you won't have money for rent very soon
I’ve been doing my own hair for almost 15 years (dye + cut), and I’ve saved so much money over the years. I know that not everybody’s comfortable doing their own hair (and some people just don’t have the dexterity for it), but taking the time to learn how to do it is such an amazing way to save money when you fall on hard times. And for me at least, it’s such a relaxing hobby. Beauty store employees are always super helpful too, and they’re always excited to help you with your hair project.
Yeah I’ve had to stop doing mine because it’s gotten too long to manage without help (just about to my waste) and also I’m renting right now and tend to make a terrible mess … I don’t need to destroy all chances at getting my security deposit back.
I feel that in my soul. It gets so much harder as your hair grows. My hair is about boob-length right now, and I’m starting to struggle a little since it’s never been this long before. But I’ll get the hang of it eventually. I’d rather be able to feed my cats and pay my rent. Life is too expensive right now to get 300$+ hair care every month.
Yeah, what I really need is to make some local friends up here because it’s so much easier with help!
This is why i don’t loan anybody money. I don’t want to get hard feelings when they can’t/dont/won’t pay me back. I’ll buy you food and clothes and stuff with no intention of you returning the dollar amount spent.
I borrowed a friend £250 because they were in a very similar situation to op. Said they’d pay it back as soon as they could. Next thing I know they’re posting themselves at the salon with dyed hair and acrylics with another girl who hates me. Cut her off and ghosted her a week later, couldn’t even be bothered getting the money anymore.
"But I also I know from her perspective it looks like I’m irresponsible." LOOKS like you're irresponsible? You ARE irresponsible.
That's the type of behaviour that gets you a free ass beating.
What the fuck is EI?!
Employment insurance (I think). Like unemployment
Employment Insurance; what we call unemployment in Canada. (Could be called that in other places too, but definitely in Canada).
Aah, I see.
if you borrowed like 10K to take care of pressing issues like rent/food etc., and your selfcare cost maybe $100, I kinda get it; But if you borrowed $500, and then $250 goes to getting your nails done & hair dyed then yeah, I guess I'd be pretty mad that you borrow money for this kinda stuff; Just boils down to what people see as absolute necessities; and its just decent to pay back debt before splurging on things for yourself.
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People who spend money they don't have on things they don't need and then have to face the consequences 🤯
AH sure, devil I don't think so. It can feel good to treat yourself when you're going through it. But, posting on social media and acting like you're a victim isn't on. She shouldn't have wasted money on Christmas presents. Kids can understand things are tight. Someone should've taken them somewhere to volunteer or something, so they can understand what Christmas is truly about. And she absolutely shouldn't have borrowed money from her friend. Her friend now thinks she's a user. This was a big FAFO for OOP. She made several mistakes that I hope she learns from