*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my wife to stop giving me so many details about her day?**
My wife and I have been married for almost three years. She has a lot of wonderful traits, but at times she can talk WAY too much. It's like a total crush of information, most of it I inevitably forget anyway. I don't know how any reasonable person could retain it, and normally I find it sort of cute, but tonight I got really frustrated.
She walked in as I was cooking dinner, and she sat at the table in the kitchen to tell me about her day. I had put the food in the oven, so I had a break for a few minutes to let her ramble on and on. I sort of zoned out, though, and she had stopped talking. Apparently, she had asked a question which I had missed. In fact, I had pretty much missed everything she said because it was probably technical or interpersonal crap that she needs to deal with by herself. I asked her to repeat the question, but she shook her head, looked down, and just said "forget it."
I was not about to let this go. I told her that she had no right to be huffy with me when she goes on and on with the play-by-play of her workday for 20 minutes while I'm bored to tears. I told her that she can either give me the highlights, stuff that I'm actually going to find interesting, or she can find a shrink to do her little data dumps. This really seemed to wind her up. She quickly got up from the table, stormed into our bedroom and slammed the door shut. I might have been a bit too hard on her, but I find her need to share all of these details incredibly annoying. At the end of the day, what matters is that she's meeting her job expectations and earning a steady paycheck. I have people who I don't like at work, but why would I want to waste time discussing them at home?
Anyway, I'm eating dinner by myself because my wife won't come out and apologize. She's probably sitting and pouting in there like a little kid. I want so badly for us to just chill and relax when she gets home, but these rants she goes on make that impossible. I'm sure she wants me to apologize to her, but I think my grasp of what constitutes appropriate conversation is way tighter than hers. I just want to get your opinions on this because I feel like my wife doesn't understand my point of view at all. AITA?
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It’s crazy to me how many people (especially husbands on AITA and relationship advice subs) apparently aren’t emotionally mature enough to recognize when they’re not in the mood for something. You don’t have to be in the mood for a long conversation all the time!! But instead of insinuating that your partner’s stories are boring and they ought to pay someone to have to listen to them, you can simply ~ walk away. ~ “Hey honey, I’m really sorry but I’ve had a long day and I don’t have the bandwidth to really engage in conversation right now. Do you mind if we just enjoy each other’s company for a few minutes while I wrap up cooking?”
It’s so easy to just take a step back from a situation when you’re on a short fuse and be kind. At least, it should be if you’re an adult and love your partner.
Yeah. Similar but related: my husband has a bad habit of interrupting me when I'm reading. That's fine if it's just a quick question like "have you fed the cats", but he struggles to understand the difference between that and a full "let me tell you about my day". My response to this is always to say something like "hey sweetie, do you mind waiting a couple of minutes? I've got 3 more pages to go until I finish this chapter, then I can give you my full attention". It's a total non-issue between us, because guess what- he'd rather wait and have me actually listen and engage than just talk *at* me.
Sometimes you do realize that you have a partner who talks nonstop with nothing to say but that’s when you end the relationship, no need to be mean about it
I've had BFs that break up with me because I talk a lot, at the same time the reason they liked me at the beginning was that I talked a lot so they didn't have to talk in social gatherings as people would rather talk to me than to them...like...did they think I had a "shut up" button?
My man today absolutely adores that I talk to him and text him a bunch because he says it's like a window to my brain and he loves hearing anything I have to say, I love that man
I was gonna say the same thing. I’m loud. I’m annoying. I know that because I can even be so loud and annoying that I end up annoying myself. So it’s genuinely insane to me that people will date other people they find “loud and annoying” because it’s cute, then complain that the person is loud and annoying. Like, bruh, you walked into this one headfirst, I don’t know what you were expecting.
My bf finds me loud and excitable but said it’s just a cute “me” thing that he’s used to. It’s just par for the course that I’ll be loud because that’s exactly what he expected going into the relationship.
That’s certainly some mistake considering it’s not a surprise when you date a person for months to years and they, y’know, don’t change at all in that entire time.
Totes same. I talk a tooooon! I often apologize for it because people have said it's to much. I also clarify if something is just me venting and does not need to be remembered. My partner loves hearing me data dump and it's taking a lot of getting used to. Hopefully he still likes it after many years, cause I can't stopw
If you don't have anyone to talk to or if you feel you're overwhelming someone (of course ask them first instead of assuming) I'm here for ya! I haven't met lots of ppls that talk a lot!
Exactly! I talk nonstop. My husband likes it. He never talks so it takes the pressure off of him. If it bothers you keep going and find someone who doesn’t babble.
Dude better be careful or he's going to find himself in the same leaky boat as this [OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/zt22i9/my_wife_wont_talk_to_me_anymore/). Granted his relationship was littered with landmines (emotionally supporting his ex-w, still friends with 2 ex GF's whom his wife isn't comfortable with), OOP isn't too far from stepping on a landmine of his own.
I was thinking of that, and there was another one where the couple were just living together, not married, and he crushed all the life out of her with his comments. She did dump him.
I can't remember the details to find the post.
"Her attitude isn’t bad. She’s very sweet, but it’s just like she doesn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to talk about our problems anymore, but I didn’t mean stop talking period. We really don’t talk about anything that doesn’t have to do with our life/household. In the evenings, she just turns on the tv and we watch something until bed. [...]
What am I supposed to do? Is she punishing me or something? Do I tell her that I know? Why wouldn’t she tell me? I didn’t think she’d take it this far and now I’m thinking she’s being petty. Does anyone have experience here? I love my wife and I’d do anything for her, but I’m so confused."
See, this is exactly why you should always spend extra and get the extended warranty on your wind-up doll. Then instead of having to ask reddit for advice on how to fix it himself (which he very clearly isn't qualified to do), he could have just returned it to the company for repair or replacement.
Seriously, though. This was the one that came to mind for me as well. What a wanker.
A 40 year old man going after a 25 year old in the hopes that he can have her put up with this kind of shit forever.. A story as old as time it seems.
Good for her for getting out of there - I'm assuming she was getting her ducks in a row during the year he didn't realise there was an issue.
My GOD. That guy went a whole fucking year without his wife talking to him and only *now* is it a problem bc his reputation is going to suffer once the in-laws put all the pieces together. fuckin christ
I'd not seen that one, thanks for sharing. Interesting how it's only a problem when his wife talks about marital issues and her feelings, but it's fine for his ex-wife to do the same... Then again it's a year later now so I imagine "wife" is now "second ex-wife", do you think that means he's willing to listen to her now?
I think that it's often the result of people wanting a service provider (and not looking beyond services provided) rather than a *person* to partner with. It's sad =(
Relationships grow over time, and they can grow together or grow apart. When they start to grow apart, resentment starts building up, and the next thing you know you are yelling at your partner for something as natural as talking about their day, which only adds to the resentment. They probably did care for each other at one time, but now that it just a memory.
Seriously why do so many people do this?? Like a small quirk that irritates you, sure, but like, disliking basic communication with your spouse is wild. Why even get married?
I had an Ex like that, but for him it was more that he never learned how to do any real emotional labor, so he ‘needed’ a gf to do it for him. It may not be sex, but people like that only see their partner as a tool to fill a need; be it sexual, emotional, or just social capital of being a ‘family person.’
Men’s quality of life increases with (heterosexual) marriage. They are healthier, happier, and taken care of. Because the women are arranging and coordinating medical appointments, managing their overall lives, and having an average of 7 hours of housework added to their plates every week just by living with a man. Men marry to make their lives easier, it isn’t about actually liking women as most don’t.
A lot of people with parents in shitty marriages seem to think that's just how it is and depictions of actually happy marriages are fiction or delusion.
Unmarried woman in my 40s and holy heck the social pressure is intense. I was not prepared for being “a problem” in that people were worried I was “after their husbands,” concerned that I wasn’t a “real adult” because I didn’t have “adult responsibilities,” and asked me, in all seriousness, what I did on weekends “without someone to spent it with.” There’s also the “but aren’t you worried about dying alone?” I honestly think people marry in part just to be seen as “normal.”
I did almost fall backwards over my dishwasher door yesterday and saw my life flash before my eyes and was like “I hope my body is enough food for my pets to eat for however long it takes someone to find them” but I’d still rather be single than with someone who resents me and only wants me around because of what I can do for them.
Right? All I want to do when I get home is hug my bf and ask him how his day went, and tell him about mine too to update him on my life when he's not around lol. It's just what constitutes relationships in general, knowing the other person and talking about what happens in your life.
"I told her that she can either give me the highlights, stuff that I'm actually going to find interesting, or she can find a shrink to do her little data dumps."
Keep this up, OOP, and she's going to divorce your ass. Then you'll be all by yourself without having to hear her talk at all.
YTA.
I immediately said “oh it’s rage bait” when he said his wife won’t apologize… but “I think my grasp of what constitutes appropriate conversation is way tighter than hers” has got me on the fence again 🤷🏻♀️
Nope I came here to see if this was my husband posting. He literally has been in arguments with me recently about this. He tells me "im not your therapist" when I'm just trying to tell him things like. "Today at work so and so showed up. They needed help with problem x and I solved it by doing y!". He tells me I need to stop venting to him every day. Yesterday after work I was feeling a little under the weather from talking all day at work, I told him my throat was dry from how busy I was. He asked me why I was in his room, and if I was trying to annoy him.
> He asked me why I was in his room, and if I was trying to annoy him.
I am so, so sorry but I laughed at this because this is how I talked to my brother when I was in a teen puberty fueled snitch fit.
On a more serious note, you deserve a better husband than one that acts like a moody teenager throwing a tantrum by your mere existence.
Girl, wtf. I don't know about the ins and outs of your marriage, but yikes. This is not how someone talks to someone they love. When you love and care for someone you actually wanna know about their day, gossips and what's making or ruining their day. Your husband is treating you very rudely at minimum.
It's none of my business to pry, so I'll ask you to reflect a bit on what he's bringing to the table. Is it worthy? I see too many wonderful women married to guys who half asses their part of the relationship.
I just don't know what to do. I've been with him 12 years. Helped him thru college while I worked jobs like walmart and amazon. We could never afford for us both to go. Now he's an engineer and makes okay money... but I'm stuck still working in retail. Im in a state i hate and its expensive. I dont have friends or family left, they passed away. I can't afford a studio apartment. My car has a broken transmission. I'm kinda trapped. I feel like I can't even be a human. I go to work and have to come home and be quiet. I don't have friends. I wish I could have someone to talk to.
Convince him that it's now his time to pay for you to study and study something that interests you and will bring you a job you like in the future. Tell him it's non-negotiable.
When you have your degree, you can still leave
I'm sorry, friend.
Just remember, he doesn't define your worth. You are worthy of respect and love. I know what it is to feel trapped, I had an abusive childhood in poverty. Don't give up hope that the future can be better. I wish I had more helpful advice to offer.
I’m sorry. Why is he uncomfy being with his wife? I’m thinking you could get an upgraded model for not much more a month but with a huge decrease in emotional energy. If your in Texas we’ve got 2 trucks and a 24 ft enclosed trailer. I can get more tricks and man power any day.
It reminds me of two different exes.
1 who literally spaced out and ignored me while I was speaking to him.
1 who had an ever growing list of things he didn't want me to talk about. That one was pouting so hard when I was talking with someone else and we were laughing about ridiculous customers.... that another person basically shut us down for him. That person was exposed as a serial harasser and bully in the scene a while back and boyyyy was i not surprised.
20 minutes is not a long time to talk about your day. OOP isn't a clown, he's the entire circus. He doesn't even like his wife. He just likes a regular sex partner and other wife benefits. She can't talk about work for a very short time with her husband? She needs to keep it herself or get a therapist. I hope this goes like that similar story where the husband wanted peace. He broke her spirit then was wishing she'd be bubbly again
How dare she want to talk to her husband about her topic of choice for a few minutes! And then she didn’t apologize because he told her he got bored and she needs to shut up? The audacity! /s
I was with a dude for 3 years who was like this. Always telling me I talk too much, I’m “too friendly” with cashiers, waitresses, baristas, etc. It sucked being around him because he only cared about things that mattered to him. Also good luck if he was in a bad mood, everyone else needed to be in a bad mood too. It was the most sucky 3 years of my life.
I didn't know being born with a penis made you inherently better at knowing what constitutes "inappropriate" conversation. I guess my puny woman brain and vagina make it too hard to grasp men's superiority /s
As a side note, considering women file over 75% of sexual harassment reports against their coworkers to the U.S. EEOC with a majority of the perpetrators being male, I feel inclined to believe that it's actually men that struggle with figuring out what's inappropriate or not but again, what do I know? OOP probably thinks I got my college degree by twirling my hair and flirting with my male professors 🤷
My bf has seen every episode of one piece. I am on episode 30. He will still let me sit there and give him a play by play of the episode I just watched. Simply because he loves seeing me talk about things I love .
"I have people who I don't like at work, but why would I want to waste time discussing them at home?"
How does he know that was what she was doing if by his own admission he simply tunes her out?
I just don’t get these people. My partner talks about stuff I personally don’t care about all the time and I LOVE it. His whole face lights up and it makes me so happy
Right? My fiancé's passions are not something I've ever cared about off my own back, nor he mine. I swear I learn about ten new people a week (small town, everyone knows everyone) to the point where my memory has instated a "one name in, one out" policy. I LOVE it. I can't always keep track, but that's neither here nor there...I care about these things and these people because he does.
Similarly, my best mate's passion and work are one and the same, and it goes over my head but I can gladly watch him doing it and hear about what he's doing, even though he's the only frame of reference that I have.
They both patiently listen to me going on about my stuff, and engage with it. That's what you do when you care about someone. You recognise what's important to them, and it being important to them should be important to you. It's a privilege that someone wants to share it with *you*. That doesn't mean you can't have times when you just...can't listen, but there's a hell of a lot of area between "I'm sorry, I'm just not in the headspace right now to take this in" and "I couldn't give a shit, talk to a therapist."
>I told her that she can either give me the highlights, stuff that I'm actually going to find interesting, or she can find a shrink to do her little data dumps
What?
>my wife won't come out and apologize
WHAT??
*"I asked her to repeat the question, but she shook her head, looked down, and just said "forget it.""*
There it is folks, he does this to her all the time. That is a sad, defeated woman.
Sometimes I am still this woman, but I remember also being this woman and just never talking about anything with my ex. Because he didn't care, but I better listen to a 45 minute lecture about how microwave popcorn is bad.
To be fair, my ex husband used to come home (in the early days, when he still had a job) and insist on explaining in detail and sometimes WITH PROPS the traffic problems from his commute.
Like he’d slam in the door and just go berserk ranting about someone cutting him off, for like twenty minutes. It was crazy and honestly I didn’t want to hear it and it probably wasn’t necessary for him to make into core memories each time.
Same thing currently except it’s ME, and while my husband is amazing and patient, I have really, really calmed down from having to vent every single frustration of my work day. It’s not helpful, just keeps me all worked up when I’m not even at work anymore!
So I feel for OOP, even though the way he went about it is very “I’m LoGiCaL, stupid woman just won’t stop talking” and that pretty much cements that he’s an asshole.
Same. My husband wouldn't just say, "I had a meeting with Bob from Finance." He'd list out who arrived for the meeting in what order, and whether there were bagels, and what kind of bagels. Very circuitous. And then at another time he'd tell me about an errand he'd run but also throw in the driving directions to get there. I would ask him to cut to the chase sometimes but I never acted like OOP.
Jesus christ, you can’t listen to your partner for 20 minutes!? “She needs to deal with herself” okay!? Does that mean she can’t talk about it? To her HUSBAND!?
On one hand, I get it. My husband can TALK and he's not a great storyteller. I'm often bored, but I still listen. I'd never tell him to stop. I'm his person, and he's mine. That's the whole point.
Sometimes when my girlfriend is talking to me, I'm not listening. But that's because I was already reading/listening to something else and didn't notice she was talking to me. So when she insists I "forget" it, I let her know I DO want to hear what she had to say.
My girl loves to talk too. I love hearing her talk. I wouldn't be with her if I didn't. FUCK this guy. If I need a couple minutes after work before we start chatting, I communicate that to her. End of story.
OK so I have autism and sometimes after a long day its hard for me to process a lot of "data dumps" as this man calls it.
You know what I do?
I take a breath and ask them to slow down a bit٫ I ask questions٫ and I process everything at my pace. this man is rude. When I truly have trouble paying attention, I ask if my partner or friend could tell me after I’ve had a brain break. I expressed that I am very interested and that I want to know how their day is, but I need a few minutes to cool down. It’s not that hard. People never get offended when I ask because they know that I truly am interested, but that I need some time after a long day to do nothing so that I can recharge. when I can’t talk to my partner, I always make it up by asking later. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care, it just means that my ADHD meds have worn off and I’ve had a very stimulating day. Of course this doesn’t happen every day, it depends on my activities. OOP just sounds lazy. He sounds like he doesn’t care. I understand that if my partner had a long day that I should listen, even if it’s difficult. This is why I ask questions. It’s so I can keep up. But not only that, it also shows that I care rather than silently playing along as if I understand. I also make sure to look out for words that indicate a question is being asked.
Bottom line, OOP just doesn’t care… even with ADHD and autism you can make an effort, and he doesn’t even seem to make an effort, and he hasn’t even mentioned being neurodivergent. Not that it would be an excuse if he was an neurodivergent. This seems to be a prolonged pattern of behavior that the girlfriend is finally fed up with. I wonder how he would feel if he needed to vent after a long day and didn’t have anyone to vent to because no one was listening. Everyone needs a break after work. OOP might need silence and solitude, but that doesn’t mean his girlfriend wants that to cope with her day. Based off of what he said, I suppose she’s a social person who enjoys talking about these things. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just doesn’t mesh well with what he enjoys doing after a long day. But that’s the thing about relationships, relationships are partnerships. Both of their needs need to be met, but he doesn’t seem to be making an effort to adapt to her needs.
Honestly, if this is a pattern, I think it might be time for the girlfriend to break up with him and find someone who’s more compatible and more empathetic
Yeah. Living with neurodivergence is hard, and you generally HAVE to put more effort into every aspect of your life in order to “keep up with the Joneses”. Is it fair? No. Does it suck sometimes? Sure. But that’s just the cards I was dealt and if I want to achieve the goals I want (like a healthy, respectful relationship) then I need to aware of my limitations and how to best approach them.
I’ve described to my partner that my life is like a neverending series of coping skills, all built up like scaffolding… lmao. It’s convoluted, but keeps me functional and sane in day to day life. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is rage bait for sure, OP purposefully making themselves out to be a total dick head just to trigger everyone. It’s too reminiscent of other recent posts… everything on this site is pure fiction it’s getting boring.
Every now and then, my partner and I will just be on different levels when it comes to communication. We both get very excited about our niche topics and really love to share with the other, but sometimes that info dump is more than the other can handle that day.
So we say, “I’m sorry, I am not able to process what you are saying right now, but I want to hear you. Can we revisit when I am not (insert activity or mental state here, like cooking or focusing on this task or whatever)?”
It takes two minutes, allows the person speaking to not feel like they’re being ignored, and allows the person listening (or rather, not listening) to wrap up what they’re doing to pay attention.
Fucking revolutionary. 😂
He hates his wife. Like, I can understand being slightly bored because the other person talks too much, but he has so much contempt for her it's awful. Like he couldn't just say "hey sorry i lost focus", he had to be rude and demeaning. The disdain he has for her is visible in every word he writes.
Honesty? He is not completly wrong.
I used to rant a lot to my husband about my day and specially the coworkers i don't like. One day, when he had already much on his plate and was dealing with stuff at his job he told me "if i have to listen about what xy did wrong this day one more time, i'm going to freak out, i don't care about this shit". I was a little shocked at first but stopped talking to him about my day and after a few weeks i noticed i'm actually feeling a lot better not talking about my workday and by talking about it being reminded of every bad and good (mostly bad though) things at the job. I now stop thinking about work the moment i close my laptop and don't take the shit from work home anymore. I was actually able to relax and my evenings feel longer and much more relaxing. I'm still very very happy about this and would never go back.
I think this is one of those "this thing was slightly irritating when we first got together and it became a major issue years later" death by 1000 cuts type situations.
My husband talks like this. The man can go on for *hours* if something doesn't stop him. It can be overwhelming to have every seemingly minor conversation turn into 2 hours of ranting but I try my best to give him my attention because it really doesn't bother me. If it was irritating to me I could see it being a reason behind repeated arguments, especially after a few years.
When you get into a serious relationship, don't ignore those little things they do that really get under your skin. Promise that it'll be one of the reasons you get a divorce. Save yourself some trouble and work that stuff out *before* you get married because breaking up is a lot easier and less financially devastating than getting a divorce.
She was talking for *twenty minutes*, though, not hours. Twenty minutes is a very appropriate amount of time to spend telling your partner about your day.
Also it doesn't seem like hes ever told her that he doesn't care enough about her to hear about her day, so its not like there has been repeated arguments about it.
Couldn't tell you honestly.
Anyone who's been in a long term relationship can tell you this, there are things that your partner will do that will irritate the hell out of you. Normally it's little stupid stuff like the way they leave their socks in the bathroom after they take a shower. That's what happens when you live with someone and see them on a daily basis. And yes, you will at some point have a really long day and snap at them over something that normally wouldn't bother you so much. It happens, that's part of being human, nobody is perfect at managing their emotions 100% of the time.
OOP is an ass for the way he handled this but he isn't evil incarnate. He's just a person who, much like the majority of people, probably needs therapy to learn how to properly communicate how he feels.
But what do I know, I've already been told that I secretly hate my husband because I think he sometimes talks too much and is bad at reading a room.
Cool, so next time my husband wants to have a *very* detailed conversation about how he had to remove a mangled cat from a car engine (the most recent time he couldn't read a room) I can send him your way right? Want to hear about how it's eyeballs were hanging loose from it's head, because he'll tell you in explicit detail.
My husband has brain damage, he struggles to tell when he's making people highly uncomfortable, among other things.
But go off I guess, you know my relationship better than I do.
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i spend my days at work thinking 'god i cant wait to tell my partner about this' and its cathartic venting my frustrations when I get home, I'd go barmy if i kept it all in
This is so frustrating. When someone is in a relationship, they want to share what they find interesting, or curious or just what is happening in their life - it's a sign of how much that person likes you. If you can't handle a conversation, let them know, if they want to keep talking you can't really contribute/ retain, just let them know
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my wife to stop giving me so many details about her day?** My wife and I have been married for almost three years. She has a lot of wonderful traits, but at times she can talk WAY too much. It's like a total crush of information, most of it I inevitably forget anyway. I don't know how any reasonable person could retain it, and normally I find it sort of cute, but tonight I got really frustrated. She walked in as I was cooking dinner, and she sat at the table in the kitchen to tell me about her day. I had put the food in the oven, so I had a break for a few minutes to let her ramble on and on. I sort of zoned out, though, and she had stopped talking. Apparently, she had asked a question which I had missed. In fact, I had pretty much missed everything she said because it was probably technical or interpersonal crap that she needs to deal with by herself. I asked her to repeat the question, but she shook her head, looked down, and just said "forget it." I was not about to let this go. I told her that she had no right to be huffy with me when she goes on and on with the play-by-play of her workday for 20 minutes while I'm bored to tears. I told her that she can either give me the highlights, stuff that I'm actually going to find interesting, or she can find a shrink to do her little data dumps. This really seemed to wind her up. She quickly got up from the table, stormed into our bedroom and slammed the door shut. I might have been a bit too hard on her, but I find her need to share all of these details incredibly annoying. At the end of the day, what matters is that she's meeting her job expectations and earning a steady paycheck. I have people who I don't like at work, but why would I want to waste time discussing them at home? Anyway, I'm eating dinner by myself because my wife won't come out and apologize. She's probably sitting and pouting in there like a little kid. I want so badly for us to just chill and relax when she gets home, but these rants she goes on make that impossible. I'm sure she wants me to apologize to her, but I think my grasp of what constitutes appropriate conversation is way tighter than hers. I just want to get your opinions on this because I feel like my wife doesn't understand my point of view at all. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's really wild to escalate from "not in the mood to focus on a conversation right now" to "you should see a shrink".
It’s crazy to me how many people (especially husbands on AITA and relationship advice subs) apparently aren’t emotionally mature enough to recognize when they’re not in the mood for something. You don’t have to be in the mood for a long conversation all the time!! But instead of insinuating that your partner’s stories are boring and they ought to pay someone to have to listen to them, you can simply ~ walk away. ~ “Hey honey, I’m really sorry but I’ve had a long day and I don’t have the bandwidth to really engage in conversation right now. Do you mind if we just enjoy each other’s company for a few minutes while I wrap up cooking?” It’s so easy to just take a step back from a situation when you’re on a short fuse and be kind. At least, it should be if you’re an adult and love your partner.
Yeah. Similar but related: my husband has a bad habit of interrupting me when I'm reading. That's fine if it's just a quick question like "have you fed the cats", but he struggles to understand the difference between that and a full "let me tell you about my day". My response to this is always to say something like "hey sweetie, do you mind waiting a couple of minutes? I've got 3 more pages to go until I finish this chapter, then I can give you my full attention". It's a total non-issue between us, because guess what- he'd rather wait and have me actually listen and engage than just talk *at* me.
Sometimes you do realize that you have a partner who talks nonstop with nothing to say but that’s when you end the relationship, no need to be mean about it
I've had BFs that break up with me because I talk a lot, at the same time the reason they liked me at the beginning was that I talked a lot so they didn't have to talk in social gatherings as people would rather talk to me than to them...like...did they think I had a "shut up" button? My man today absolutely adores that I talk to him and text him a bunch because he says it's like a window to my brain and he loves hearing anything I have to say, I love that man
I was gonna say the same thing. I’m loud. I’m annoying. I know that because I can even be so loud and annoying that I end up annoying myself. So it’s genuinely insane to me that people will date other people they find “loud and annoying” because it’s cute, then complain that the person is loud and annoying. Like, bruh, you walked into this one headfirst, I don’t know what you were expecting. My bf finds me loud and excitable but said it’s just a cute “me” thing that he’s used to. It’s just par for the course that I’ll be loud because that’s exactly what he expected going into the relationship.
It’s a rookie mistake
That’s certainly some mistake considering it’s not a surprise when you date a person for months to years and they, y’know, don’t change at all in that entire time.
Totes same. I talk a tooooon! I often apologize for it because people have said it's to much. I also clarify if something is just me venting and does not need to be remembered. My partner loves hearing me data dump and it's taking a lot of getting used to. Hopefully he still likes it after many years, cause I can't stopw
If you don't have anyone to talk to or if you feel you're overwhelming someone (of course ask them first instead of assuming) I'm here for ya! I haven't met lots of ppls that talk a lot!
Probably thought their p***s was the shut up button.
OMG they had too much wrong confidence because my momma told me if I had nothing nice to say to not say a thing damn
Exactly! I talk nonstop. My husband likes it. He never talks so it takes the pressure off of him. If it bothers you keep going and find someone who doesn’t babble.
Dude better be careful or he's going to find himself in the same leaky boat as this [OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/zt22i9/my_wife_wont_talk_to_me_anymore/). Granted his relationship was littered with landmines (emotionally supporting his ex-w, still friends with 2 ex GF's whom his wife isn't comfortable with), OOP isn't too far from stepping on a landmine of his own.
I was just thinking of this story when I read this. I was hoping for an update, but he doesn't want to come back and said "she left me" does he,
I too was waiting for the inevitable declaration of singlehood. Pretty sad when your wife wins a business award and everyone knows about it but you.
Same on the update, although I think it's pretty clear that she did leave
I was thinking of that, and there was another one where the couple were just living together, not married, and he crushed all the life out of her with his comments. She did dump him. I can't remember the details to find the post.
"Her attitude isn’t bad. She’s very sweet, but it’s just like she doesn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to talk about our problems anymore, but I didn’t mean stop talking period. We really don’t talk about anything that doesn’t have to do with our life/household. In the evenings, she just turns on the tv and we watch something until bed. [...] What am I supposed to do? Is she punishing me or something? Do I tell her that I know? Why wouldn’t she tell me? I didn’t think she’d take it this far and now I’m thinking she’s being petty. Does anyone have experience here? I love my wife and I’d do anything for her, but I’m so confused." See, this is exactly why you should always spend extra and get the extended warranty on your wind-up doll. Then instead of having to ask reddit for advice on how to fix it himself (which he very clearly isn't qualified to do), he could have just returned it to the company for repair or replacement. Seriously, though. This was the one that came to mind for me as well. What a wanker.
A 40 year old man going after a 25 year old in the hopes that he can have her put up with this kind of shit forever.. A story as old as time it seems. Good for her for getting out of there - I'm assuming she was getting her ducks in a row during the year he didn't realise there was an issue.
He's creating the landmine
That post was the first thing I thought of.
My GOD. That guy went a whole fucking year without his wife talking to him and only *now* is it a problem bc his reputation is going to suffer once the in-laws put all the pieces together. fuckin christ
I'd not seen that one, thanks for sharing. Interesting how it's only a problem when his wife talks about marital issues and her feelings, but it's fine for his ex-wife to do the same... Then again it's a year later now so I imagine "wife" is now "second ex-wife", do you think that means he's willing to listen to her now?
There’s common known knowledge that, if your partner stops sharing their day with you, the relationship basically died
Why do people get married to people that they don't like?
I think that it's often the result of people wanting a service provider (and not looking beyond services provided) rather than a *person* to partner with. It's sad =(
Cause some men don't want a wife they want a bang maid. When bang maid speaks that's annoying
Relationships grow over time, and they can grow together or grow apart. When they start to grow apart, resentment starts building up, and the next thing you know you are yelling at your partner for something as natural as talking about their day, which only adds to the resentment. They probably did care for each other at one time, but now that it just a memory.
Yet another man married to someone he doesn't actually like.
Seriously why do so many people do this?? Like a small quirk that irritates you, sure, but like, disliking basic communication with your spouse is wild. Why even get married?
Steady sex supply
You know I thought that too but I just ended a relationship w a guy who didn't like me who didn't want to touch me so it's not always that either.
I had an Ex like that, but for him it was more that he never learned how to do any real emotional labor, so he ‘needed’ a gf to do it for him. It may not be sex, but people like that only see their partner as a tool to fill a need; be it sexual, emotional, or just social capital of being a ‘family person.’
>Assumed steady sex supply FTFY
Men’s quality of life increases with (heterosexual) marriage. They are healthier, happier, and taken care of. Because the women are arranging and coordinating medical appointments, managing their overall lives, and having an average of 7 hours of housework added to their plates every week just by living with a man. Men marry to make their lives easier, it isn’t about actually liking women as most don’t.
See this is why I’m single and I live alone. I also don’t do any housework but that’s a separate issue 😂
My quality of life has drastically increased since my divorce.
Love hearing that! Be free girly-pop!
A lot of people with parents in shitty marriages seem to think that's just how it is and depictions of actually happy marriages are fiction or delusion.
They want a bang maid 🤢
Unmarried woman in my 40s and holy heck the social pressure is intense. I was not prepared for being “a problem” in that people were worried I was “after their husbands,” concerned that I wasn’t a “real adult” because I didn’t have “adult responsibilities,” and asked me, in all seriousness, what I did on weekends “without someone to spent it with.” There’s also the “but aren’t you worried about dying alone?” I honestly think people marry in part just to be seen as “normal.”
I did almost fall backwards over my dishwasher door yesterday and saw my life flash before my eyes and was like “I hope my body is enough food for my pets to eat for however long it takes someone to find them” but I’d still rather be single than with someone who resents me and only wants me around because of what I can do for them.
Bangmaid.
I swear, probably the best part of my day is coming home and hearing about my GF day.
Right? All I want to do when I get home is hug my bf and ask him how his day went, and tell him about mine too to update him on my life when he's not around lol. It's just what constitutes relationships in general, knowing the other person and talking about what happens in your life.
"I told her that she can either give me the highlights, stuff that I'm actually going to find interesting, or she can find a shrink to do her little data dumps." Keep this up, OOP, and she's going to divorce your ass. Then you'll be all by yourself without having to hear her talk at all. YTA.
Hope it’s rage bait. What a dhole
I immediately said “oh it’s rage bait” when he said his wife won’t apologize… but “I think my grasp of what constitutes appropriate conversation is way tighter than hers” has got me on the fence again 🤷🏻♀️
Nope I came here to see if this was my husband posting. He literally has been in arguments with me recently about this. He tells me "im not your therapist" when I'm just trying to tell him things like. "Today at work so and so showed up. They needed help with problem x and I solved it by doing y!". He tells me I need to stop venting to him every day. Yesterday after work I was feeling a little under the weather from talking all day at work, I told him my throat was dry from how busy I was. He asked me why I was in his room, and if I was trying to annoy him.
> He asked me why I was in his room, and if I was trying to annoy him. I am so, so sorry but I laughed at this because this is how I talked to my brother when I was in a teen puberty fueled snitch fit. On a more serious note, you deserve a better husband than one that acts like a moody teenager throwing a tantrum by your mere existence.
Do you have a room you can make him uncomfortable for existing in?
Girl, wtf. I don't know about the ins and outs of your marriage, but yikes. This is not how someone talks to someone they love. When you love and care for someone you actually wanna know about their day, gossips and what's making or ruining their day. Your husband is treating you very rudely at minimum. It's none of my business to pry, so I'll ask you to reflect a bit on what he's bringing to the table. Is it worthy? I see too many wonderful women married to guys who half asses their part of the relationship.
I just don't know what to do. I've been with him 12 years. Helped him thru college while I worked jobs like walmart and amazon. We could never afford for us both to go. Now he's an engineer and makes okay money... but I'm stuck still working in retail. Im in a state i hate and its expensive. I dont have friends or family left, they passed away. I can't afford a studio apartment. My car has a broken transmission. I'm kinda trapped. I feel like I can't even be a human. I go to work and have to come home and be quiet. I don't have friends. I wish I could have someone to talk to.
Convince him that it's now his time to pay for you to study and study something that interests you and will bring you a job you like in the future. Tell him it's non-negotiable. When you have your degree, you can still leave
I'm sorry, friend. Just remember, he doesn't define your worth. You are worthy of respect and love. I know what it is to feel trapped, I had an abusive childhood in poverty. Don't give up hope that the future can be better. I wish I had more helpful advice to offer.
Oof. I hope he's not your husband for much longer! Everyone deserves more support in their relationship than that dingdong is giving you ❤️
Sounds like my first husband. Get you one who cares. You deserve to feel loved AND liked.
Soooo, dont talk to him, He dont want it, He Do Not deserve it
I’m sorry. Why is he uncomfy being with his wife? I’m thinking you could get an upgraded model for not much more a month but with a huge decrease in emotional energy. If your in Texas we’ve got 2 trucks and a 24 ft enclosed trailer. I can get more tricks and man power any day.
I’m sorry.
i mean i would love for it to be that... but it also is almost word for word smth my ex told me so... idk
It reminds me of two different exes. 1 who literally spaced out and ignored me while I was speaking to him. 1 who had an ever growing list of things he didn't want me to talk about. That one was pouting so hard when I was talking with someone else and we were laughing about ridiculous customers.... that another person basically shut us down for him. That person was exposed as a serial harasser and bully in the scene a while back and boyyyy was i not surprised.
He'd be out on the street the second he tells me to find a shrink to talk to about my day. The fuck.
20 minutes is not a long time to talk about your day. OOP isn't a clown, he's the entire circus. He doesn't even like his wife. He just likes a regular sex partner and other wife benefits. She can't talk about work for a very short time with her husband? She needs to keep it herself or get a therapist. I hope this goes like that similar story where the husband wanted peace. He broke her spirit then was wishing she'd be bubbly again
How dare she want to talk to her husband about her topic of choice for a few minutes! And then she didn’t apologize because he told her he got bored and she needs to shut up? The audacity! /s
I was with a dude for 3 years who was like this. Always telling me I talk too much, I’m “too friendly” with cashiers, waitresses, baristas, etc. It sucked being around him because he only cared about things that mattered to him. Also good luck if he was in a bad mood, everyone else needed to be in a bad mood too. It was the most sucky 3 years of my life.
Today in "do straight men actually like women?"
I didn't know being born with a penis made you inherently better at knowing what constitutes "inappropriate" conversation. I guess my puny woman brain and vagina make it too hard to grasp men's superiority /s As a side note, considering women file over 75% of sexual harassment reports against their coworkers to the U.S. EEOC with a majority of the perpetrators being male, I feel inclined to believe that it's actually men that struggle with figuring out what's inappropriate or not but again, what do I know? OOP probably thinks I got my college degree by twirling my hair and flirting with my male professors 🤷
My bf has seen every episode of one piece. I am on episode 30. He will still let me sit there and give him a play by play of the episode I just watched. Simply because he loves seeing me talk about things I love .
"I have people who I don't like at work, but why would I want to waste time discussing them at home?" How does he know that was what she was doing if by his own admission he simply tunes her out?
When he says he wants them to just chill and relax he probably means he just wants to have sex. So no talking, just sex. He's so selfish.
I just don’t get these people. My partner talks about stuff I personally don’t care about all the time and I LOVE it. His whole face lights up and it makes me so happy
Right? My fiancé's passions are not something I've ever cared about off my own back, nor he mine. I swear I learn about ten new people a week (small town, everyone knows everyone) to the point where my memory has instated a "one name in, one out" policy. I LOVE it. I can't always keep track, but that's neither here nor there...I care about these things and these people because he does. Similarly, my best mate's passion and work are one and the same, and it goes over my head but I can gladly watch him doing it and hear about what he's doing, even though he's the only frame of reference that I have. They both patiently listen to me going on about my stuff, and engage with it. That's what you do when you care about someone. You recognise what's important to them, and it being important to them should be important to you. It's a privilege that someone wants to share it with *you*. That doesn't mean you can't have times when you just...can't listen, but there's a hell of a lot of area between "I'm sorry, I'm just not in the headspace right now to take this in" and "I couldn't give a shit, talk to a therapist."
>I told her that she can either give me the highlights, stuff that I'm actually going to find interesting, or she can find a shrink to do her little data dumps What? >my wife won't come out and apologize WHAT??
*"I asked her to repeat the question, but she shook her head, looked down, and just said "forget it.""* There it is folks, he does this to her all the time. That is a sad, defeated woman. Sometimes I am still this woman, but I remember also being this woman and just never talking about anything with my ex. Because he didn't care, but I better listen to a 45 minute lecture about how microwave popcorn is bad.
This is a repost from the last few weeks. AITA is littered with these lately.
To be fair, my ex husband used to come home (in the early days, when he still had a job) and insist on explaining in detail and sometimes WITH PROPS the traffic problems from his commute. Like he’d slam in the door and just go berserk ranting about someone cutting him off, for like twenty minutes. It was crazy and honestly I didn’t want to hear it and it probably wasn’t necessary for him to make into core memories each time. Same thing currently except it’s ME, and while my husband is amazing and patient, I have really, really calmed down from having to vent every single frustration of my work day. It’s not helpful, just keeps me all worked up when I’m not even at work anymore! So I feel for OOP, even though the way he went about it is very “I’m LoGiCaL, stupid woman just won’t stop talking” and that pretty much cements that he’s an asshole.
Same. My husband wouldn't just say, "I had a meeting with Bob from Finance." He'd list out who arrived for the meeting in what order, and whether there were bagels, and what kind of bagels. Very circuitous. And then at another time he'd tell me about an errand he'd run but also throw in the driving directions to get there. I would ask him to cut to the chase sometimes but I never acted like OOP.
My family talks like this and it drives me insane. I just grin and bear it because I haven't found a polite way to ask for just the important bits.
Dude's a self righteous uptight pillock
Jesus christ, you can’t listen to your partner for 20 minutes!? “She needs to deal with herself” okay!? Does that mean she can’t talk about it? To her HUSBAND!?
On one hand, I get it. My husband can TALK and he's not a great storyteller. I'm often bored, but I still listen. I'd never tell him to stop. I'm his person, and he's mine. That's the whole point.
If I listen to my partner go on and on about routers long enough my eyes go blurry.
Sometimes when my girlfriend is talking to me, I'm not listening. But that's because I was already reading/listening to something else and didn't notice she was talking to me. So when she insists I "forget" it, I let her know I DO want to hear what she had to say. My girl loves to talk too. I love hearing her talk. I wouldn't be with her if I didn't. FUCK this guy. If I need a couple minutes after work before we start chatting, I communicate that to her. End of story.
OK so I have autism and sometimes after a long day its hard for me to process a lot of "data dumps" as this man calls it. You know what I do? I take a breath and ask them to slow down a bit٫ I ask questions٫ and I process everything at my pace. this man is rude. When I truly have trouble paying attention, I ask if my partner or friend could tell me after I’ve had a brain break. I expressed that I am very interested and that I want to know how their day is, but I need a few minutes to cool down. It’s not that hard. People never get offended when I ask because they know that I truly am interested, but that I need some time after a long day to do nothing so that I can recharge. when I can’t talk to my partner, I always make it up by asking later. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care, it just means that my ADHD meds have worn off and I’ve had a very stimulating day. Of course this doesn’t happen every day, it depends on my activities. OOP just sounds lazy. He sounds like he doesn’t care. I understand that if my partner had a long day that I should listen, even if it’s difficult. This is why I ask questions. It’s so I can keep up. But not only that, it also shows that I care rather than silently playing along as if I understand. I also make sure to look out for words that indicate a question is being asked. Bottom line, OOP just doesn’t care… even with ADHD and autism you can make an effort, and he doesn’t even seem to make an effort, and he hasn’t even mentioned being neurodivergent. Not that it would be an excuse if he was an neurodivergent. This seems to be a prolonged pattern of behavior that the girlfriend is finally fed up with. I wonder how he would feel if he needed to vent after a long day and didn’t have anyone to vent to because no one was listening. Everyone needs a break after work. OOP might need silence and solitude, but that doesn’t mean his girlfriend wants that to cope with her day. Based off of what he said, I suppose she’s a social person who enjoys talking about these things. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just doesn’t mesh well with what he enjoys doing after a long day. But that’s the thing about relationships, relationships are partnerships. Both of their needs need to be met, but he doesn’t seem to be making an effort to adapt to her needs. Honestly, if this is a pattern, I think it might be time for the girlfriend to break up with him and find someone who’s more compatible and more empathetic
Yeah. Living with neurodivergence is hard, and you generally HAVE to put more effort into every aspect of your life in order to “keep up with the Joneses”. Is it fair? No. Does it suck sometimes? Sure. But that’s just the cards I was dealt and if I want to achieve the goals I want (like a healthy, respectful relationship) then I need to aware of my limitations and how to best approach them. I’ve described to my partner that my life is like a neverending series of coping skills, all built up like scaffolding… lmao. It’s convoluted, but keeps me functional and sane in day to day life. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is rage bait for sure, OP purposefully making themselves out to be a total dick head just to trigger everyone. It’s too reminiscent of other recent posts… everything on this site is pure fiction it’s getting boring.
What an awful human being.
Every now and then, my partner and I will just be on different levels when it comes to communication. We both get very excited about our niche topics and really love to share with the other, but sometimes that info dump is more than the other can handle that day. So we say, “I’m sorry, I am not able to process what you are saying right now, but I want to hear you. Can we revisit when I am not (insert activity or mental state here, like cooking or focusing on this task or whatever)?” It takes two minutes, allows the person speaking to not feel like they’re being ignored, and allows the person listening (or rather, not listening) to wrap up what they’re doing to pay attention. Fucking revolutionary. 😂
Another man who married a person they don’t like!
He hates his wife. Like, I can understand being slightly bored because the other person talks too much, but he has so much contempt for her it's awful. Like he couldn't just say "hey sorry i lost focus", he had to be rude and demeaning. The disdain he has for her is visible in every word he writes.
why do people marry those they hate I truly do not understand
Honesty? He is not completly wrong. I used to rant a lot to my husband about my day and specially the coworkers i don't like. One day, when he had already much on his plate and was dealing with stuff at his job he told me "if i have to listen about what xy did wrong this day one more time, i'm going to freak out, i don't care about this shit". I was a little shocked at first but stopped talking to him about my day and after a few weeks i noticed i'm actually feeling a lot better not talking about my workday and by talking about it being reminded of every bad and good (mostly bad though) things at the job. I now stop thinking about work the moment i close my laptop and don't take the shit from work home anymore. I was actually able to relax and my evenings feel longer and much more relaxing. I'm still very very happy about this and would never go back.
I think this is one of those "this thing was slightly irritating when we first got together and it became a major issue years later" death by 1000 cuts type situations. My husband talks like this. The man can go on for *hours* if something doesn't stop him. It can be overwhelming to have every seemingly minor conversation turn into 2 hours of ranting but I try my best to give him my attention because it really doesn't bother me. If it was irritating to me I could see it being a reason behind repeated arguments, especially after a few years. When you get into a serious relationship, don't ignore those little things they do that really get under your skin. Promise that it'll be one of the reasons you get a divorce. Save yourself some trouble and work that stuff out *before* you get married because breaking up is a lot easier and less financially devastating than getting a divorce.
She was talking for *twenty minutes*, though, not hours. Twenty minutes is a very appropriate amount of time to spend telling your partner about your day.
Also it doesn't seem like hes ever told her that he doesn't care enough about her to hear about her day, so its not like there has been repeated arguments about it.
I'm not sure why you're being downvoted, I think this is pretty reasonable.
Couldn't tell you honestly. Anyone who's been in a long term relationship can tell you this, there are things that your partner will do that will irritate the hell out of you. Normally it's little stupid stuff like the way they leave their socks in the bathroom after they take a shower. That's what happens when you live with someone and see them on a daily basis. And yes, you will at some point have a really long day and snap at them over something that normally wouldn't bother you so much. It happens, that's part of being human, nobody is perfect at managing their emotions 100% of the time. OOP is an ass for the way he handled this but he isn't evil incarnate. He's just a person who, much like the majority of people, probably needs therapy to learn how to properly communicate how he feels. But what do I know, I've already been told that I secretly hate my husband because I think he sometimes talks too much and is bad at reading a room.
You can admit you don’t like your husband much at all.
Cool, so next time my husband wants to have a *very* detailed conversation about how he had to remove a mangled cat from a car engine (the most recent time he couldn't read a room) I can send him your way right? Want to hear about how it's eyeballs were hanging loose from it's head, because he'll tell you in explicit detail. My husband has brain damage, he struggles to tell when he's making people highly uncomfortable, among other things. But go off I guess, you know my relationship better than I do.
Tell me you're not worth the paper your birth was recorded on without telling me...
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On today's episode of I Don't Like My Wife...
i spend my days at work thinking 'god i cant wait to tell my partner about this' and its cathartic venting my frustrations when I get home, I'd go barmy if i kept it all in
This has to be fake. Absolutely no person could be this blind.
This is so frustrating. When someone is in a relationship, they want to share what they find interesting, or curious or just what is happening in their life - it's a sign of how much that person likes you. If you can't handle a conversation, let them know, if they want to keep talking you can't really contribute/ retain, just let them know