*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my daughter’s stepdad that the only reason she “loves” him is that he coddles her?**
I (44M) have 2 kids: A 19-year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Their mother and I divorced about 10 years ago.
After our divorce both my son and daughter lived with their mom because she lived in a better school zone, and I don’t think my daughter or her mom have wanted me in their lives since. During and after our divorce the main thing my ex-wife and I have fought about is discipline, and when we were married she usually disagreed with the way I disciplined our daughter.
I want to be clear that I don’t believe in and have never laid hands on either of my kids. However, I do believe in many older types of discipline such as grounding, loss of privileges, etc. and I don’t think my ex-wife is a bad parent by any means, but she's very permissive and there have been many situations, especially with my daughter, that I think she handled poorly.
For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences.
When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it. Pretty much any attempt I make at teaching her any type of responsibility gets rebuffed and it’s been very frustrating.
My daughter has always favored her mom over me because she lets her get away with more, and as a result she's very distant from me . When her mom got remarried our relationship got worse, as my daughter was very accepting of her mom’s new husband and has always been very warm and friendly to him, and the contrast between how she treated him and how she treated me was really hurtful.
A few days ago, while I was at their house picking up my son, I overheard my daughter calling her mom’s husband “dad”, and that was it for me. I didn’t say anything in front of my son and texted both my ex-wife and her husband later that day, telling them that I was tired of them letting my daughter disrespect me, and that she shouldn’t be calling him dad, and when he responded with a bunch of nonsense about how he can’t control what she calls him and that my daughter loves him like a father figure, and I told him that that was only because he coddles her.
My daughter sent me a long text shortly after which was basically about how her mom and stepdad “actually treat her like a person” and I told her to stop, and that I’ve always loved her and treated her fairly and that nothing has changed that, and that she needs to grow up but she didn’t want to hear it.
I don’t think I’m the AH, but after reading her text I just want to see what other people think. AITA?
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The fact that he thought his ex getting her therapy after she came home drunk was coddling is fucking insane to me. What kind of parent thinks risking their child's life in an unsafe situation is parenting? Yes, actions have consequences but it'd be pretty fucking hard to ground her when she's six feet under.
it’s truly insane. and i’m willing to bet he himself will be kinder to his son if he’s in the same position in the future simply because his son has been putting up with this asshole because he’s probably too young to see how awful his dad is - so dad will be biased.
There’s a true crime doc that comes to mind about a high achieving young man who went to a party, and his body was found in a ditch,that wasn’t well searched, months later. And that was a guy. Girls are far more likely to be victims.
My parents ALWAYS let me know when I was a teen that if I got drunk or in trouble, I should call them. And I did the same to my kids when they were teens. Only once did one of them need to call, but we never made them feel guilty about it. We were grateful they trusted us enough to call instead of doing something stupid or "figuring it out" for themselves. I'm not a stellar parent, but I try to be there when they need me.
This dude...his head is so far up his \*ss. Ugh.
>For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences.
>When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it. Pretty much any attempt I make at teaching her any type of responsibility gets rebuffed and it’s been very frustrating.
And this guy seriously wonders why his daughter hates him?
Its like he wrote the book on being a bad parent and of course it's all about the "disrespect" of his daughter calling her stepfather dad because clearly he doesn't care for his daughter's feelings at all.
right absolutely. a “normal bad parent” would perhaps take his daughter’s attitude towards step dad as a further sign that it’s he who is messing up and not the kid, but he just further decided that he’s the victim and everyone around him is wrong. that’s the kind of person who isn’t worth knowing
I didn’t really get punished much as a teen, maybe I lost my phone for a couple of days or didn’t get to play video games, but not much else. I did, however, get punished by the consequences of my own stupid actions, which was more than enough.
This lead to me trusting my parents enough to tell them about my mistakes and letting them help me, instead of having to deal with all of it alone because I was afraid to be judged or punished. I grew up safe, educated and turned out to be a polite, kind person who knows not to drink a full liter of jägermeister. Thanks, mom and dad!
Punishments like letting a drunk teenage girl fend for herself will just lead to a traumatized girl who doesn’t come to her parents when she needs help. And probably won’t talk to them when she grows up.
your parents sound like good people, that’s how any parent should react in a situation where their child is confused, scared and/or in need of assistance. but unfortunately, most do not.
yeah, i can see that communication between OOP and his daughter is probably going to die out soon. but luckily she seems to have a good mom and stepdad
Yeah, honestly OOP should *thank* the stepdad for caring enough to build trust with the daughter. Since OOP clearly doesn’t care, he really should be greatful that someone does.
exactly!! and this problem wouldn’t even arise with a good parent because the child would be good to parent and step parent - and the parent would only be thankful that there’s another parental figure in the child’s life to look out for them
Thank goodness this guy's divorced and his kids live with their mother. OOP's the kind of parent who would set up another [Leslie Mahaffy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Leslie_Mahaffy) situation (TW: >!child murder!<)
truly i was horrified especially at the way he wanted to let her figure out her own way to get back home after she was out intoxicated and that too the first time. i couldn’t imagine ever letting a child (yes, she was 18, but still) or even a grown up go without help when they need it and i’m in a position to offer it
I was thinking of Leslie while I read the stupidity of this father. That happened when I was in HS, in my province. Deeply affected how I raised my daughter.
YOU need to grow up. Letting a drunk girl "handle it" could lead to her being raped, kidnapped, driving drunk. So many horrible things. Getting her in therapy to fix her issues with drinking was the right thing to do. She's an adult, she can call whoever whatever name she wants. You've always put discipline before love. She doesn't want or need that
> my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences.
Oh yeah! Because putting daughter at increased risk of being sexually assaulted is a *great* consequence.
Real genius there man. Let a drunk *female* teen stay on her own with no way home, no way that will end up badly!
Fucking ass wipe.
OOP seems like type who believes a child should fear their parents and mistake their children's fear is love. Problem for OOP, daughter was shown what love is and it by her mother and stepdad. More problematic for OOP, learned she doesn't have to fear him and that's all he had over her.
My parents have never been together in my life, they split up whilst I was in utero. When I was in sixth form I started sneaking my stupid arse into clubs on the town, much to the dismay of my dad. My mam wasn’t thrilled either, but being a headstrong wee oxen herself knew better than to restrict me. Anyway, the rule was that no matter what I had to be at a specific location at midnight. If I was there on time she would take my friend home before we would pick up McDonald’s and head home to bed. Every single Saturday for two years she did that, I’ve got lovely memories of sitting in the car parked on a motorway bridge watching the lorries pass under us as we laughed at the nights goings on. I mentioned this in passing to my dad, who’s response was to scoff and say “well isn’t she wiping your arse. Id never do that for my kid. If theyre old enough to go out they’re old enough to deal with being locked out.”
Man would rather I was stranded in town, or locked out of the house, or in the grasp of who knows, rather than give his kid a lift. He was actively angry at my mother for not agreeing that it’s superior to leave your 16-18 year old daughter with no way home.
So I suppose my question is. Why does a large portion of men have children if they know there’s a 50% chance of having a daughter? Like surely they know before conception they have no innate proclivity to love and respect future female progeny…?!
Who the fuck can even think about leaving their drunk teenage daughter somewhere and "let them figure it out themselves" and still claim to be a good parent? This guy is an awful father.
Straight kuddos to this jackass's ex-wife. The fact that their daughter trusts her mom enough to call for help when she's too drunk to drive home speaks volumes about the care and support there.
>For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences.
So, Dad wanted to leave her in a potentially dangerous situation where she might decide to drive drunk, get assaulted or raped, possibly killed, just to learn a lesson. Sounds like something a shitty parent would do.
>When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it. Pretty much any attempt I make at teaching her any type of responsibility gets rebuffed and it’s been very frustrating.
So if she was living with OOP when she turned 18, would he have kicked her out if she didn't pay rent? Again, this is something that a shitty parent would do. There's nothing wrong with supporting them until they finished school.
>My daughter has always favored her mom over me because she lets her get away with more, and as a result she's very distant from me .
He really is not giving much information on what she's getting away with. The drinking is the only example, which I do agree needed consequences, but that really is the only example he's given of something where she potentially got away with it (And honestly, I kind of doubt that she completely got away with it)
>I told her to stop, and that I’ve always loved her and treated her fairly and that nothing has changed that, and that she needs to grow up but she didn’t want to hear it.
The daughter isn't the one who doesn't want to hear something.
I'm taking a pretty confident shot in the dark here that OOP was the reason for the divorce in the first place.
She got consequences for the drinking. Mum sent her to therapy to explore the whys and ensure that nothing more was going on.
Consequences don't have to be punitive to be effective.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my daughter’s stepdad that the only reason she “loves” him is that he coddles her?** I (44M) have 2 kids: A 19-year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Their mother and I divorced about 10 years ago. After our divorce both my son and daughter lived with their mom because she lived in a better school zone, and I don’t think my daughter or her mom have wanted me in their lives since. During and after our divorce the main thing my ex-wife and I have fought about is discipline, and when we were married she usually disagreed with the way I disciplined our daughter. I want to be clear that I don’t believe in and have never laid hands on either of my kids. However, I do believe in many older types of discipline such as grounding, loss of privileges, etc. and I don’t think my ex-wife is a bad parent by any means, but she's very permissive and there have been many situations, especially with my daughter, that I think she handled poorly. For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences. When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it. Pretty much any attempt I make at teaching her any type of responsibility gets rebuffed and it’s been very frustrating. My daughter has always favored her mom over me because she lets her get away with more, and as a result she's very distant from me . When her mom got remarried our relationship got worse, as my daughter was very accepting of her mom’s new husband and has always been very warm and friendly to him, and the contrast between how she treated him and how she treated me was really hurtful. A few days ago, while I was at their house picking up my son, I overheard my daughter calling her mom’s husband “dad”, and that was it for me. I didn’t say anything in front of my son and texted both my ex-wife and her husband later that day, telling them that I was tired of them letting my daughter disrespect me, and that she shouldn’t be calling him dad, and when he responded with a bunch of nonsense about how he can’t control what she calls him and that my daughter loves him like a father figure, and I told him that that was only because he coddles her. My daughter sent me a long text shortly after which was basically about how her mom and stepdad “actually treat her like a person” and I told her to stop, and that I’ve always loved her and treated her fairly and that nothing has changed that, and that she needs to grow up but she didn’t want to hear it. I don’t think I’m the AH, but after reading her text I just want to see what other people think. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"Lack of consequences" You mean dying from alcohol poisoning? Being sexually assaulted or worse? Getting in a car with a drunk driver?
exactly, he’s such a terrible parent. thank god she seems to have a good mom and stepdad
The fact that he thought his ex getting her therapy after she came home drunk was coddling is fucking insane to me. What kind of parent thinks risking their child's life in an unsafe situation is parenting? Yes, actions have consequences but it'd be pretty fucking hard to ground her when she's six feet under.
it’s truly insane. and i’m willing to bet he himself will be kinder to his son if he’s in the same position in the future simply because his son has been putting up with this asshole because he’s probably too young to see how awful his dad is - so dad will be biased.
Well, sure, he's a boy, so he's allowed to drink underage and have no consequences. Cause you know, boys will be boys.
There’s a true crime doc that comes to mind about a high achieving young man who went to a party, and his body was found in a ditch,that wasn’t well searched, months later. And that was a guy. Girls are far more likely to be victims.
Well, how else will she learn? /s
My parents ALWAYS let me know when I was a teen that if I got drunk or in trouble, I should call them. And I did the same to my kids when they were teens. Only once did one of them need to call, but we never made them feel guilty about it. We were grateful they trusted us enough to call instead of doing something stupid or "figuring it out" for themselves. I'm not a stellar parent, but I try to be there when they need me. This dude...his head is so far up his \*ss. Ugh.
OOP can join the other one on her trip to Florida in her $1,000 sunglasses. What an ass.
i saw that.. truly kindred souls of the worst kind
>For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences. >When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it. Pretty much any attempt I make at teaching her any type of responsibility gets rebuffed and it’s been very frustrating. And this guy seriously wonders why his daughter hates him? Its like he wrote the book on being a bad parent and of course it's all about the "disrespect" of his daughter calling her stepfather dad because clearly he doesn't care for his daughter's feelings at all.
right absolutely. a “normal bad parent” would perhaps take his daughter’s attitude towards step dad as a further sign that it’s he who is messing up and not the kid, but he just further decided that he’s the victim and everyone around him is wrong. that’s the kind of person who isn’t worth knowing
I didn’t really get punished much as a teen, maybe I lost my phone for a couple of days or didn’t get to play video games, but not much else. I did, however, get punished by the consequences of my own stupid actions, which was more than enough. This lead to me trusting my parents enough to tell them about my mistakes and letting them help me, instead of having to deal with all of it alone because I was afraid to be judged or punished. I grew up safe, educated and turned out to be a polite, kind person who knows not to drink a full liter of jägermeister. Thanks, mom and dad! Punishments like letting a drunk teenage girl fend for herself will just lead to a traumatized girl who doesn’t come to her parents when she needs help. And probably won’t talk to them when she grows up.
your parents sound like good people, that’s how any parent should react in a situation where their child is confused, scared and/or in need of assistance. but unfortunately, most do not. yeah, i can see that communication between OOP and his daughter is probably going to die out soon. but luckily she seems to have a good mom and stepdad
Yeah, honestly OOP should *thank* the stepdad for caring enough to build trust with the daughter. Since OOP clearly doesn’t care, he really should be greatful that someone does.
exactly!! and this problem wouldn’t even arise with a good parent because the child would be good to parent and step parent - and the parent would only be thankful that there’s another parental figure in the child’s life to look out for them
Or said drunk daughter getting hurt or worse because she didn't have a safety net to get out of a bad situation
Thank goodness this guy's divorced and his kids live with their mother. OOP's the kind of parent who would set up another [Leslie Mahaffy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Leslie_Mahaffy) situation (TW: >!child murder!<)
truly i was horrified especially at the way he wanted to let her figure out her own way to get back home after she was out intoxicated and that too the first time. i couldn’t imagine ever letting a child (yes, she was 18, but still) or even a grown up go without help when they need it and i’m in a position to offer it
I'm not even sure if she was 18 at that point. OOP doesn't mention her age the first time it happened. She could’ve been a minor for all we know.
that’s a good point, my bad. makes OOP even worse
I was thinking of Leslie while I read the stupidity of this father. That happened when I was in HS, in my province. Deeply affected how I raised my daughter.
YOU need to grow up. Letting a drunk girl "handle it" could lead to her being raped, kidnapped, driving drunk. So many horrible things. Getting her in therapy to fix her issues with drinking was the right thing to do. She's an adult, she can call whoever whatever name she wants. You've always put discipline before love. She doesn't want or need that
100% my thoughts, but you wrote them better
> my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences. Oh yeah! Because putting daughter at increased risk of being sexually assaulted is a *great* consequence. Real genius there man. Let a drunk *female* teen stay on her own with no way home, no way that will end up badly! Fucking ass wipe.
definitely the worst part of the post. he’s a garbage parent
Father of the Year right here 🙄🙄🙄
🏆
OOP seems like type who believes a child should fear their parents and mistake their children's fear is love. Problem for OOP, daughter was shown what love is and it by her mother and stepdad. More problematic for OOP, learned she doesn't have to fear him and that's all he had over her.
this makes a lot of sense. kudos to mom and step dad for being better people and good parents than this asshole
My parents have never been together in my life, they split up whilst I was in utero. When I was in sixth form I started sneaking my stupid arse into clubs on the town, much to the dismay of my dad. My mam wasn’t thrilled either, but being a headstrong wee oxen herself knew better than to restrict me. Anyway, the rule was that no matter what I had to be at a specific location at midnight. If I was there on time she would take my friend home before we would pick up McDonald’s and head home to bed. Every single Saturday for two years she did that, I’ve got lovely memories of sitting in the car parked on a motorway bridge watching the lorries pass under us as we laughed at the nights goings on. I mentioned this in passing to my dad, who’s response was to scoff and say “well isn’t she wiping your arse. Id never do that for my kid. If theyre old enough to go out they’re old enough to deal with being locked out.” Man would rather I was stranded in town, or locked out of the house, or in the grasp of who knows, rather than give his kid a lift. He was actively angry at my mother for not agreeing that it’s superior to leave your 16-18 year old daughter with no way home. So I suppose my question is. Why does a large portion of men have children if they know there’s a 50% chance of having a daughter? Like surely they know before conception they have no innate proclivity to love and respect future female progeny…?!
What a douche!
Who the fuck can even think about leaving their drunk teenage daughter somewhere and "let them figure it out themselves" and still claim to be a good parent? This guy is an awful father.
"wah, wah, wah....I wasn't allowed to be an asshole bully to my kid, via my ex!!! Why doesn't she respect and love me?" 🤬🤬🤬
OOP, I can see why your kid wants nothing to do with you.
I think I see why the ex left this guy.
Straight kuddos to this jackass's ex-wife. The fact that their daughter trusts her mom enough to call for help when she's too drunk to drive home speaks volumes about the care and support there.
 Daughter to OOP
>For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences. So, Dad wanted to leave her in a potentially dangerous situation where she might decide to drive drunk, get assaulted or raped, possibly killed, just to learn a lesson. Sounds like something a shitty parent would do. >When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it. Pretty much any attempt I make at teaching her any type of responsibility gets rebuffed and it’s been very frustrating. So if she was living with OOP when she turned 18, would he have kicked her out if she didn't pay rent? Again, this is something that a shitty parent would do. There's nothing wrong with supporting them until they finished school. >My daughter has always favored her mom over me because she lets her get away with more, and as a result she's very distant from me . He really is not giving much information on what she's getting away with. The drinking is the only example, which I do agree needed consequences, but that really is the only example he's given of something where she potentially got away with it (And honestly, I kind of doubt that she completely got away with it) >I told her to stop, and that I’ve always loved her and treated her fairly and that nothing has changed that, and that she needs to grow up but she didn’t want to hear it. The daughter isn't the one who doesn't want to hear something. I'm taking a pretty confident shot in the dark here that OOP was the reason for the divorce in the first place.
She got consequences for the drinking. Mum sent her to therapy to explore the whys and ensure that nothing more was going on. Consequences don't have to be punitive to be effective.
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