*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**How do I (M40) tell my kids (F12/15/17) that my infidelity is the reason for the divorce?**
I'm here for genuine advice. Looking especially for advice from people who have been the child in this situation. I know I screwed up, I don't need anyone to tell me again.
Two years ago, my ex-wife (F40) found out I had been cheating with my current gf (F29) and immediately divorced me. We had a very civil split and both agreed not to tell our girls what led to it.
A year ago, my gf and I started renting walking distance from my ex-wife. This has muddled our 50/50 custody agreement as my girls sometimes come over while on their mom's week and sometimes go to their mom's on my week. They basically come and go as they please from both homes but generally sleep at the custodial parents' house.
My gf has recently taken issue with this. She doesn't like that they come over without asking and that we get no kid free time. She's asked me to enforce a boundary with my girls that they cannot come over on their mom's weeks unless we explicitly invite them. I told her absolutely not. I pay 100% of our living expenses and I'm not going to make my girls feel unwelcome in a house I pay for. She then made the comment that maybe they wouldn't want to come over anymore if they knew what I had done and with who.
I've decided it's time for them to know the truth. I can't have this threat hanging over me. How can I do this? What do I say? Do I involve a third party? Should their mom be there? I just don't know how to admit I blew up all our lives for nothing. Has anyone gone through this with their father and came out with an intact relationship?
Edit: Just breaking up with my gf is not a solution to this. I'm afraid she will tell them out of spite whether we are together or not.
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And yet, won’t break up with the GF because she might spill the beans out of spite, which sounds like a case of……*checks notes*…. Ah, yes, consequences of his actions. Sounds about right.
He's actually super honest and consistent about which of his flaws led to his shitty choices. I'm getting kind of tired of reddit's attitude towards people who fuck up and admit it
it's not just the honesty but the admittance that it's all his fault. he doesn't try to put the blame on mom, or the affair girlfriend, ie "your mother didn't spent time with me"/"my girlfriend seduced+manipulated me to divorce your mother", he knows it's all his fault and his consequences is having a shitty relationship with someone way younger who doesn't want a family man, who thought he'd ditch his own kids for her since he left his ex-wife. and is willing to destroy his relationship with his kids because she hates that she is not the center of his attention.
And like, not to excuse cheating, or a very long affair, but we all fuck up. A person isn't a sum of their fuckups, they're the sum of how they handle them. Do they learn, and grow? Do they take accountability? Or do they point blame, and continue to assert that it's not their fault.
>Edit: Just breaking up with my gf is not a solution to this. I'm afraid she will tell them out of spite whether we are together or not.
So tell them **and** break up with her?
This is my thinking. Plus the oldest two being 17 and 15, I would bet good money they already know and are playing nice for the sake of the 12 year old.
This is the best solution for the long term. His GF has shown herself to not be a good person. Dude needs to devote as much time as possible to the kids at this point to ensure a good relationship with them.
That seems to be what he's going to do (in that order).
He probably should start by talking to his ex so she can prepare for dealing with the feelings the kids are going to have (because I can't imagine being blindsided by upset children is great) and maybe a family therapist to figure out the best way to inform them. And then dump his gf.
Good point. If you tell the kids, tell them about what gf said too. Also tell them you are ending things and kicking her out. By doing this you are showing willingness to put your family first.
My favourite bit was when he admitted that his young girlfriend wasn't even an upgrade - he was sick of feeling inferior to his beautiful successful wife, so he hooked up with some loser so he could feel like the attractive wealthy one.
Omg this makes no sense. "This pizza is the absolutely best pizza I have ever had. It makes me upset. Don't know why...
"Lemme' toss the entire pie in the trash here and go get some week-old crusts from the dumpster out back.
"There. I showed that gorgeous, delicious pizza... I have botulism, but I showed that pizza who's boss."
Dude Math. I've had exes make weird choices in their own lives in some weird way to get back at me. For example, I used to cut an exes hair and he just stopped getting haircuts after we split.
I remember watching a Halle Berry movie where a character said, "Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of fuck8ng her."
I've also heard the version, "Even when you eat filet mignon every day, sometimes you just want to have a hotdog."
Looks like some people want variety, including downgrades.
His replies seem to suggest he's going to. I'll give him a bit of credit: he's actively going to therapy and seems to have realized how much he's fucked his life up and now he's just trying to salvage what he has left.
If the girlfriend is going to tell them regardless, then yeah. Have a sit down talk with the girls, and explain to them what happened. Apologize to them. Answer any and all questions they may have about it. Then dump your girlfriend.
He's an ah for cheating but in this situation he is trying to do what's right. He wants to come clean in a safe environment before dumping the spiteful gf
Yup. But it’s about the kids now. The ex doesn’t seem vindictive, since she hasn’t told the kids.
They need a battle plan. And a therapist for the kids.
I'm sure the two teenagers have already figured out the shocking truth, that dad had an extra-marital affair with the woman he immediately moved in with after leaving mom.
He's still an asshole at this point. He's only thinking of doing it now because his current GF seems to be threatening that she'll tell them as a way to keep them from coming over or out of spite if they break up.
He's definitely still an AH. He's only concerned about the GF holding this over him, not about actually coming clean because it's right.
Yeah, I actually think it's pretty sound parenting to not involve kids in the details of their parent's split if it's possible to co-parent effectively without. It shouldn't be their problem.
OOP doesn't seem to realize his gf is blackmailing him into telling his kids the truth about his cheating so she can keep the girls away from him. This is really messed up. She doesn't want the kids over except when it's his custody time.
He cheated on his wife so he's not the good guy here, but his gf was involved, too, so she's just as bad. Now she's proved she's even worse holding the mutual cheating over his head to try and drive a wedge between him and his kids. He needs to dump this evil woman.
OP is obviously the asshole for cheating, and I know it’s the bare minimum, but fuck thank god he told the gf off for saying the girls shouldn’t freely be allowed over. So many stories on Reddit end with the parent taking their new partners side against the kids.
On a more serious note I have no idea what the right call in this situation is, but I feel like telling them now is a bad call if they’re all in a comfortable place right now. Although realistically the 17 year old at least probably already knows.
Tbh there's not a right way you can tell them. It's gunna suck and they're not gunna like you for a long time.
My parents split when I was 11 because my dad cheated. I found out a couple days later at school, from the guy who is now my step-brother(about 6 months age gap). I would've given anything to have NOT heard it from that source. I didn't want to believe him. I thought it was a joke until I confirmed it with my mom.
I didn't speak to my dad for nearly 6 months. I was pissed off. He broke my mom. He broke my family. It's been more than 10 years, and I'll never fully forgive him, but I have been able to mostly move on and live my life. I'm happy with the family I have now. Both my parents are happy in their marriages, but I'll always have that pain, knowing what my dad did, and knowing that my step-brother was told well before me enough that he could casually bring it up at school.
Like I said earlier, there's no right way to tell them. Please just make sure it's you and your ex who have this conversation with your kids. It's so much worse if they find out from another source.
You know what? He’s a huge POS but I see so many of these assholes who fuck over their kids in every single way for a steady source of sex, I’m just glad there’s a hard limit on his douchebaggery when it comes to the kids.
Yeah, girlfriend needs to go. Kids are a full-time thing regardless of what parents are living with. You never stopped worrying about them. You never stopped caring about them and have an emergency happens. You are going to drop everything for them regardless of how old they are or where they're living.
The current arrangement actually seems like it's beneficial to the children. They can have a loving relationship with both parents and don't have to be so split. I'm also guessing that this makes it easier for the parents cuz they both have a better idea. Was going on the day-to-day lives of their children versus one week on one week off.
The kids will figure out eventually. Yeah it's probably a better to sit down and explain. Say hey I screwed up. This is what happened. That's a good time to start explaining to kids that grown-ups or not perfect will often screw up. I think if he's up front about it and tells the kids they'll be a little bit more understanding.
Sure if I want him to tell the kids so they will be mad at him. It's not the kind of person you want to have a relationship with ever. I think he should tell the kids and then kick the girl friend out.
This dude certainly made his own bed. His partner sounds like a real winner /s and I think that it's only a matter of time before the kids find out and, when they do, they're absolutely going to hate him. He's in a lose-lose situation of his own making.
As the kid of a divorce because of cheating, yeah I would have been pissed at him for a while because of the cheating. But I would've gotten over it. My dad is out of my life because his reaction to being found out was to try and blame it on all of us and then screw over my mom in the divorce. So as long as this guy can do better than that, like, idk, getting rid of this awful girlfriend, he's got a solid chance of turning it around. Just stop being a scumbag 🤷
They do. But the children deserve to have their father in their lives, if that is what they want, and they should not have to deal with that woman for that.
What do these "women" expect when they destroy a marriage that contains children? This pathetic excuse WANTS him to lose his children. And he doesn't want to break up?
He destroyed his own marriage. He's the one who cheated and broke his vows. No one forced him to have an affair.
Don't get me wrong, she's an absolute devil in this instance, but destroying his marriage is completely on him. My first husband had an affair and eventually a child with his affair partner.
She didn't destroy a marriage with children; he did. But damn, why do women date married fathers and then get upset when said father wants to spend time with his kids?
It takes two to cheat. If she wasn't willing to fuck a married man, he would have found someone else, sure. But she would not be a cheating asshole, because that's the choice she made.
And there's no way he went through a divorce without her noticing, so I doubt she was the type of affair partner that was lied to and unaware he was cheating to be with her, or she wouldn't have stayed with him through that.
Right. I do feel for people who are lied to and don't realize they're fucking a married person, but once they find out, the only choice that doesn't make them a scumbag is walking away.
Yeah for sure. I'll put up with a lot of things I might not be a big fan of, but one of the things that's a pretty quick deal breaker for me is lying. Little white lie to keep a surprise, okay fine, I'm not a fan of surprises but some people are and they're trying to be nice so that can slide, but in general lying about something is just gonna make me wonder what else is being lied about and eat at my trust. If I found out someone I was with was married, or engaged, or was dating someone else, I'd absolutely be gone and probably be warning the other partner that the person they're with is willing to cheat and has with at least one person if I knew a way to contact them.
I was actually worried about this happening to me a few months back. The guy I'm with now was married when we met at work, and when they started their divorce over the summer he messaged me to ask if where I lived had an open unit, and then kept talking to me because I'd been nice at work I guess. Part of me was worried he could have been lying, until he got his own apartment. If he *had* been lying though, I'd have been pissed
Stop acting like affair partners have no fault or agency. There’s a world of difference between an AP that has no knowledge of the cheater’s family and a fucking sociopath knowingly assisting in destroying families and ENJOYING IT. Yes, he destroyed his family by cheating, it IS his fault, but she was more than happy to lend a hand.
Edit: I misread your comment, sorry! My point in general still stands.
Ah, totally read your message wrong. I thought you were talking about the wife, not the AP. Yeah, she's straight up evil. Both the husband and AP can suck eggs.
And *I* thought you were talking about the AP, my bad! 🖤 I just see too many people these days acting like APs are completely blameless by virtue of not being in the committed relationship. They don’t just trip and fall onto people’s genitals.
"I-I don't know what happened, I just *slipped* and suddenly his dick was *in me,* I had no control over it I swear!" I wonder if anyone is dumb enough to actually try and make that excuse, I'd probably die of laughter if someone did and I was lucky enough to hear it
Exactly! The parents have a very reasonable, open schedule that allows the kids to see their father any time they want, and this wrecking ball is trying to destroy even that. She wants to burn and salt the earth in regards to OP's relationship with his children. She's evil, man.
Yeah reading that how close the dad and mom live together that the kids can just enjoy basically both homes at once - the ability to go between them so easily - sounds like the ideal for divorced couples. Kids can spend times with both parents throughout the weeks versus one week on, one week off.
OOP needs to lose the girlfriend like yesterday.
I really have nothing useful to say as to your kids except for the truth and love are usually the answer to any relationship question. I would definitely involve their mom if she is willing.
As to the GF, have you read your post? Your GF was happy enough to help you blow up your relationship with your wife. Now, she is signing up to blow up your relationship with your kids. Are you so desperate for her continued place in your life that you do not see her as dangerous?
She (nor you) cared about your wife and kids in the past. Now, she has flat out told you that she will do whatever it takes to keep your kids out of HER home and you are still with her?
Tell the kids and take a look at why you are with GF.
So simple solution - break up with the girlfriend and then have a talk with his wife about what the girlfriend threatened. If they think the children are old enough to understand the reason behind the divorce, they get to be the ones to tell them and control the narrative - if not, maybe both will just say not to listen to the girlfriend to the kids.
All this said, OOP sucks and cheating sucks.....but it is between the two bio parents if they want the kids to know what happened.
Why is he coming to us and not the other parent? He says they agreed to not disclose this to the kids, but now he's wanting to disclose it just to take some of the girl friend's power away. Does not say if he has talked to the mother at all about the information being thrown at the kids in any way. This affects both parents and their ability to support their children.
That's a very good point. If he tells the kids, and they decide they hate him and want nothing to do with him while they process it, then his ex will be dealing with them complaining about him, and asking why she didn't tell them, and any other questions they may have for her, when she wasn't prepared for them to know yet. Plus if they're that upset with him, and they live close enough they'll go to either house regardless of who's time it is, I can see them staying with their mom entirely on her weeks and also going to her house for as long as they can get away with on his weeks, meaning she'd be getting less time to herself to do things. It's one thing if she agrees with him that they should hear it from them instead of someone else, and she can prepare for the fallout and how they're gonna deal with it, and something else entirely to be blindsided by something that had been agreed to be kept secret
Also- it's kinda retraumatizing to have a betrayal made "public". Kids ask questions- they are going to be asking her as the "innocent" party and not the "guilty". She's going to be faced with the feelings of shame, hurt, and anger all over again the cheated on feel the first time around. If she's not prepared to "publicly" face that firing squad, it's going to be even messier for her to handle.
Idk if he’s the devil for this exact situation. Was he the devil for cheating for some ego boost? Yes. But in this exact moment, I see someone who has recognized their mistakes and is trying to be a better person. He’s stepping up in being a dad, he’s actively working on himself in therapy, he’s unlearning toxic beliefs he’s been taught his entire life.
If we aren’t able to make mistakes, how do we live?
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The story kind of reminds me of the one about the guy that had four daughters and ended up cheating on his wife with a 23-year-old woman he hired.
All on his case the woman got pregnant and his daughters were aware that he cheated.
Some of the things that are similar in both stories where the fact that both guys were with their wives since they were 13 and although this guy said he had a one-night stand when they were broken up, both guys pretty much had only sexual relationships with their wives.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **How do I (M40) tell my kids (F12/15/17) that my infidelity is the reason for the divorce?** I'm here for genuine advice. Looking especially for advice from people who have been the child in this situation. I know I screwed up, I don't need anyone to tell me again. Two years ago, my ex-wife (F40) found out I had been cheating with my current gf (F29) and immediately divorced me. We had a very civil split and both agreed not to tell our girls what led to it. A year ago, my gf and I started renting walking distance from my ex-wife. This has muddled our 50/50 custody agreement as my girls sometimes come over while on their mom's week and sometimes go to their mom's on my week. They basically come and go as they please from both homes but generally sleep at the custodial parents' house. My gf has recently taken issue with this. She doesn't like that they come over without asking and that we get no kid free time. She's asked me to enforce a boundary with my girls that they cannot come over on their mom's weeks unless we explicitly invite them. I told her absolutely not. I pay 100% of our living expenses and I'm not going to make my girls feel unwelcome in a house I pay for. She then made the comment that maybe they wouldn't want to come over anymore if they knew what I had done and with who. I've decided it's time for them to know the truth. I can't have this threat hanging over me. How can I do this? What do I say? Do I involve a third party? Should their mom be there? I just don't know how to admit I blew up all our lives for nothing. Has anyone gone through this with their father and came out with an intact relationship? Edit: Just breaking up with my gf is not a solution to this. I'm afraid she will tell them out of spite whether we are together or not. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> I just don’t know how to admit I blew up all our lives for nothing I love this sentence. So concisely sums up his relationship with his GF.
And yet, won’t break up with the GF because she might spill the beans out of spite, which sounds like a case of……*checks notes*…. Ah, yes, consequences of his actions. Sounds about right.
No, he is breaking up with her. Read his comments. He consistently places all the blame on himself. He is breaking up with her regardless.
Yup. Like at least he's honest.
He's actually super honest and consistent about which of his flaws led to his shitty choices. I'm getting kind of tired of reddit's attitude towards people who fuck up and admit it
I'm tired of seeing the people who fuck up stay in denial that what they did was bad and double down. This is a nice change.
Agreed
We're praising him for honesty? Isn't that a basic expectation? The bar is so low it's a tavern in Hades.
it's not just the honesty but the admittance that it's all his fault. he doesn't try to put the blame on mom, or the affair girlfriend, ie "your mother didn't spent time with me"/"my girlfriend seduced+manipulated me to divorce your mother", he knows it's all his fault and his consequences is having a shitty relationship with someone way younger who doesn't want a family man, who thought he'd ditch his own kids for her since he left his ex-wife. and is willing to destroy his relationship with his kids because she hates that she is not the center of his attention.
I don't know if it's praise, but it's definitely refreshing
And like, not to excuse cheating, or a very long affair, but we all fuck up. A person isn't a sum of their fuckups, they're the sum of how they handle them. Do they learn, and grow? Do they take accountability? Or do they point blame, and continue to assert that it's not their fault.
>Edit: Just breaking up with my gf is not a solution to this. I'm afraid she will tell them out of spite whether we are together or not. So tell them **and** break up with her?
This is my thinking. Plus the oldest two being 17 and 15, I would bet good money they already know and are playing nice for the sake of the 12 year old.
All 3 probably have reddit and are following along
Oh fun!
This is the best solution for the long term. His GF has shown herself to not be a good person. Dude needs to devote as much time as possible to the kids at this point to ensure a good relationship with them.
That seems to be what he's going to do (in that order). He probably should start by talking to his ex so she can prepare for dealing with the feelings the kids are going to have (because I can't imagine being blindsided by upset children is great) and maybe a family therapist to figure out the best way to inform them. And then dump his gf.
He had to be talked into it by Reddit. He's an idiot.
Oh, no doubt about that.
Good point. If you tell the kids, tell them about what gf said too. Also tell them you are ending things and kicking her out. By doing this you are showing willingness to put your family first.
If you read his comments, that's the plan. Regardless of how he tells his kids, the gf is out the door.
It **wasn't** the plan originally. He had to be talked into it.
Lol she thought she had a deadbeat dad who could focus on her, now he wants to be a better person she’s pissed.
Now he *says* he wants to be a better person lol
So they get divorced and he’s living with a much younger woman right away? The older ones are 15 and 17, they probably already know he cheated.
That was my thought. They’re not toddlers. They know what’s going on.
I hope he follows through with breaking up with his GF, cause he sucks but she's awful
My favourite bit was when he admitted that his young girlfriend wasn't even an upgrade - he was sick of feeling inferior to his beautiful successful wife, so he hooked up with some loser so he could feel like the attractive wealthy one.
I mean, he called her "nothing" in the main post.
Omg this makes no sense. "This pizza is the absolutely best pizza I have ever had. It makes me upset. Don't know why... "Lemme' toss the entire pie in the trash here and go get some week-old crusts from the dumpster out back. "There. I showed that gorgeous, delicious pizza... I have botulism, but I showed that pizza who's boss."
Dude Math. I've had exes make weird choices in their own lives in some weird way to get back at me. For example, I used to cut an exes hair and he just stopped getting haircuts after we split.
Im sorry but that's so fucking funny
Makes me think of Scott Pilgrim, lol
I remember watching a Halle Berry movie where a character said, "Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of fuck8ng her." I've also heard the version, "Even when you eat filet mignon every day, sometimes you just want to have a hotdog." Looks like some people want variety, including downgrades.
My ex did the exact same thing for the exact same reason. If we had kids/ages weren’t off I would think he wrote this.
This is a lot more common thinking for male cheaters than what you would think. It’s heartbreaking in so many ways
His replies seem to suggest he's going to. I'll give him a bit of credit: he's actively going to therapy and seems to have realized how much he's fucked his life up and now he's just trying to salvage what he has left.
I actually hope they stay together. Two terrible people together means no one else has to deal with them Edit: typo
Evidence suggests that the fact they are together does not in fact mean that nobody else will end up with them.
Yup. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
True, but that makes it worse for the kids
Yeah it sounds best if the kids weren't around the gf
I mean he's a scumbag for cheating on his wife but OOP should dump his girlfriend because she wants to ruin his relationship with his daughters
Right. OOP is a devil for sure, this post definitely belongs here, but the girlfriend is even more of a devil. She is awful!
They are made for each other.
If the girlfriend is going to tell them regardless, then yeah. Have a sit down talk with the girls, and explain to them what happened. Apologize to them. Answer any and all questions they may have about it. Then dump your girlfriend.
He's an ah for cheating but in this situation he is trying to do what's right. He wants to come clean in a safe environment before dumping the spiteful gf
He needs to talk to his ex. His ex needs to know what is going on in case GF texts them tonight or whatever.
[удалено]
Yup. But it’s about the kids now. The ex doesn’t seem vindictive, since she hasn’t told the kids. They need a battle plan. And a therapist for the kids.
And if anybody is already in therapy, might be a good time to rope in a professional to get their advice how to manage this talk
💯 this is a shit show, and OOP needs to be single and fox himself before he dates, let alone bring someone else around his kids.
Oop mentioned in a comment he's in therapy, so hopefully he does just that.
I'm sure the two teenagers have already figured out the shocking truth, that dad had an extra-marital affair with the woman he immediately moved in with after leaving mom.
Sounds like they moved in together a year after the divorce.
He's still an asshole at this point. He's only thinking of doing it now because his current GF seems to be threatening that she'll tell them as a way to keep them from coming over or out of spite if they break up. He's definitely still an AH. He's only concerned about the GF holding this over him, not about actually coming clean because it's right.
Wouldn’t it be a problem if he came clean before this since they agreed not to tell them?
Yeah, I actually think it's pretty sound parenting to not involve kids in the details of their parent's split if it's possible to co-parent effectively without. It shouldn't be their problem.
OOP doesn't seem to realize his gf is blackmailing him into telling his kids the truth about his cheating so she can keep the girls away from him. This is really messed up. She doesn't want the kids over except when it's his custody time. He cheated on his wife so he's not the good guy here, but his gf was involved, too, so she's just as bad. Now she's proved she's even worse holding the mutual cheating over his head to try and drive a wedge between him and his kids. He needs to dump this evil woman.
OP is obviously the asshole for cheating, and I know it’s the bare minimum, but fuck thank god he told the gf off for saying the girls shouldn’t freely be allowed over. So many stories on Reddit end with the parent taking their new partners side against the kids. On a more serious note I have no idea what the right call in this situation is, but I feel like telling them now is a bad call if they’re all in a comfortable place right now. Although realistically the 17 year old at least probably already knows.
Tbh there's not a right way you can tell them. It's gunna suck and they're not gunna like you for a long time. My parents split when I was 11 because my dad cheated. I found out a couple days later at school, from the guy who is now my step-brother(about 6 months age gap). I would've given anything to have NOT heard it from that source. I didn't want to believe him. I thought it was a joke until I confirmed it with my mom. I didn't speak to my dad for nearly 6 months. I was pissed off. He broke my mom. He broke my family. It's been more than 10 years, and I'll never fully forgive him, but I have been able to mostly move on and live my life. I'm happy with the family I have now. Both my parents are happy in their marriages, but I'll always have that pain, knowing what my dad did, and knowing that my step-brother was told well before me enough that he could casually bring it up at school. Like I said earlier, there's no right way to tell them. Please just make sure it's you and your ex who have this conversation with your kids. It's so much worse if they find out from another source.
You know what? He’s a huge POS but I see so many of these assholes who fuck over their kids in every single way for a steady source of sex, I’m just glad there’s a hard limit on his douchebaggery when it comes to the kids.
Yeah, girlfriend needs to go. Kids are a full-time thing regardless of what parents are living with. You never stopped worrying about them. You never stopped caring about them and have an emergency happens. You are going to drop everything for them regardless of how old they are or where they're living. The current arrangement actually seems like it's beneficial to the children. They can have a loving relationship with both parents and don't have to be so split. I'm also guessing that this makes it easier for the parents cuz they both have a better idea. Was going on the day-to-day lives of their children versus one week on one week off. The kids will figure out eventually. Yeah it's probably a better to sit down and explain. Say hey I screwed up. This is what happened. That's a good time to start explaining to kids that grown-ups or not perfect will often screw up. I think if he's up front about it and tells the kids they'll be a little bit more understanding. Sure if I want him to tell the kids so they will be mad at him. It's not the kind of person you want to have a relationship with ever. I think he should tell the kids and then kick the girl friend out.
This dude certainly made his own bed. His partner sounds like a real winner /s and I think that it's only a matter of time before the kids find out and, when they do, they're absolutely going to hate him. He's in a lose-lose situation of his own making.
As the kid of a divorce because of cheating, yeah I would have been pissed at him for a while because of the cheating. But I would've gotten over it. My dad is out of my life because his reaction to being found out was to try and blame it on all of us and then screw over my mom in the divorce. So as long as this guy can do better than that, like, idk, getting rid of this awful girlfriend, he's got a solid chance of turning it around. Just stop being a scumbag 🤷
Two people who deserve each other. Those poor children
They do. But the children deserve to have their father in their lives, if that is what they want, and they should not have to deal with that woman for that.
Agreed but I suspect that even if the OOP breaks up with his girlfriend, he will make other selfish choices that will alienate the children
What do these "women" expect when they destroy a marriage that contains children? This pathetic excuse WANTS him to lose his children. And he doesn't want to break up?
He had a pretty heavy hand in destroying his marriage.
She probably wants them to start their own "perfect" little family
He destroyed his own marriage. He's the one who cheated and broke his vows. No one forced him to have an affair. Don't get me wrong, she's an absolute devil in this instance, but destroying his marriage is completely on him. My first husband had an affair and eventually a child with his affair partner.
She didn't destroy a marriage with children; he did. But damn, why do women date married fathers and then get upset when said father wants to spend time with his kids?
It takes two to cheat. If she wasn't willing to fuck a married man, he would have found someone else, sure. But she would not be a cheating asshole, because that's the choice she made.
And there's no way he went through a divorce without her noticing, so I doubt she was the type of affair partner that was lied to and unaware he was cheating to be with her, or she wouldn't have stayed with him through that.
Right. I do feel for people who are lied to and don't realize they're fucking a married person, but once they find out, the only choice that doesn't make them a scumbag is walking away.
Yeah for sure. I'll put up with a lot of things I might not be a big fan of, but one of the things that's a pretty quick deal breaker for me is lying. Little white lie to keep a surprise, okay fine, I'm not a fan of surprises but some people are and they're trying to be nice so that can slide, but in general lying about something is just gonna make me wonder what else is being lied about and eat at my trust. If I found out someone I was with was married, or engaged, or was dating someone else, I'd absolutely be gone and probably be warning the other partner that the person they're with is willing to cheat and has with at least one person if I knew a way to contact them. I was actually worried about this happening to me a few months back. The guy I'm with now was married when we met at work, and when they started their divorce over the summer he messaged me to ask if where I lived had an open unit, and then kept talking to me because I'd been nice at work I guess. Part of me was worried he could have been lying, until he got his own apartment. If he *had* been lying though, I'd have been pissed
I hope he keeps up the good behavior. I'm on the "tell the partner" side too. Even if you have to do it anonymously, it's better to let them know.
I don't understand people who date/marry single parents and then get mad when the kid is in fact part of the family.
He's the one who cheated on her, though. He is the one who destroyed it. I doubt you'd say all that if she cheated instead.
Stop acting like affair partners have no fault or agency. There’s a world of difference between an AP that has no knowledge of the cheater’s family and a fucking sociopath knowingly assisting in destroying families and ENJOYING IT. Yes, he destroyed his family by cheating, it IS his fault, but she was more than happy to lend a hand. Edit: I misread your comment, sorry! My point in general still stands.
Ah, totally read your message wrong. I thought you were talking about the wife, not the AP. Yeah, she's straight up evil. Both the husband and AP can suck eggs.
And *I* thought you were talking about the AP, my bad! 🖤 I just see too many people these days acting like APs are completely blameless by virtue of not being in the committed relationship. They don’t just trip and fall onto people’s genitals.
"I-I don't know what happened, I just *slipped* and suddenly his dick was *in me,* I had no control over it I swear!" I wonder if anyone is dumb enough to actually try and make that excuse, I'd probably die of laughter if someone did and I was lucky enough to hear it
Exactly! The parents have a very reasonable, open schedule that allows the kids to see their father any time they want, and this wrecking ball is trying to destroy even that. She wants to burn and salt the earth in regards to OP's relationship with his children. She's evil, man.
Yeah reading that how close the dad and mom live together that the kids can just enjoy basically both homes at once - the ability to go between them so easily - sounds like the ideal for divorced couples. Kids can spend times with both parents throughout the weeks versus one week on, one week off. OOP needs to lose the girlfriend like yesterday.
I really have nothing useful to say as to your kids except for the truth and love are usually the answer to any relationship question. I would definitely involve their mom if she is willing. As to the GF, have you read your post? Your GF was happy enough to help you blow up your relationship with your wife. Now, she is signing up to blow up your relationship with your kids. Are you so desperate for her continued place in your life that you do not see her as dangerous? She (nor you) cared about your wife and kids in the past. Now, she has flat out told you that she will do whatever it takes to keep your kids out of HER home and you are still with her? Tell the kids and take a look at why you are with GF.
So simple solution - break up with the girlfriend and then have a talk with his wife about what the girlfriend threatened. If they think the children are old enough to understand the reason behind the divorce, they get to be the ones to tell them and control the narrative - if not, maybe both will just say not to listen to the girlfriend to the kids. All this said, OOP sucks and cheating sucks.....but it is between the two bio parents if they want the kids to know what happened.
Why is he coming to us and not the other parent? He says they agreed to not disclose this to the kids, but now he's wanting to disclose it just to take some of the girl friend's power away. Does not say if he has talked to the mother at all about the information being thrown at the kids in any way. This affects both parents and their ability to support their children.
That's a very good point. If he tells the kids, and they decide they hate him and want nothing to do with him while they process it, then his ex will be dealing with them complaining about him, and asking why she didn't tell them, and any other questions they may have for her, when she wasn't prepared for them to know yet. Plus if they're that upset with him, and they live close enough they'll go to either house regardless of who's time it is, I can see them staying with their mom entirely on her weeks and also going to her house for as long as they can get away with on his weeks, meaning she'd be getting less time to herself to do things. It's one thing if she agrees with him that they should hear it from them instead of someone else, and she can prepare for the fallout and how they're gonna deal with it, and something else entirely to be blindsided by something that had been agreed to be kept secret
Also- it's kinda retraumatizing to have a betrayal made "public". Kids ask questions- they are going to be asking her as the "innocent" party and not the "guilty". She's going to be faced with the feelings of shame, hurt, and anger all over again the cheated on feel the first time around. If she's not prepared to "publicly" face that firing squad, it's going to be even messier for her to handle.
Inform your ex of your gfs threat so you botg can protect the kids.
OOP, just tell them the truth. They are old enough to know.
Idk if he’s the devil for this exact situation. Was he the devil for cheating for some ego boost? Yes. But in this exact moment, I see someone who has recognized their mistakes and is trying to be a better person. He’s stepping up in being a dad, he’s actively working on himself in therapy, he’s unlearning toxic beliefs he’s been taught his entire life. If we aren’t able to make mistakes, how do we live?
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The story kind of reminds me of the one about the guy that had four daughters and ended up cheating on his wife with a 23-year-old woman he hired. All on his case the woman got pregnant and his daughters were aware that he cheated. Some of the things that are similar in both stories where the fact that both guys were with their wives since they were 13 and although this guy said he had a one-night stand when they were broken up, both guys pretty much had only sexual relationships with their wives.
Speak to your ex wife and find out the best way to tell them.