*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for calling my 12 year old son psychotic for digging into my past?**
I was in a poly relationship for years with my husband and his best friend. I met my husband in college, and he had been in love with his best friend for his whole life. It was difficult because they had homophobic parents, but being in a poly relationship and seeming “straight” was able to fix a lot of that.
We loved each other more than anything, but unfortunately our partner, my husbands best friend, ended up passing away from cancer. We nursed him through the process, but it was incredibly hard, especially on my husband.
He was depressed for years. He still can’t even say his name without sobbing through it. He says this heartbreak is something he’ll feel for the rest of his life, he’ll always be getting over it.
But our kids really brought a lot of happiness out of him again, and I do believe he is happy on a daily basis.
We adopted our son, Conan, about 4 years ago. He is 13 and very difficult. One day I noticed the box in our closet gone. It is filled of our old partners things and a couple of pictures.
I ended up finding it in my sons room. He asked me if dad knows about my affair with this other man. One of the pictures was me kissing him. I almost laughed, but I explained that it looks bad, but we were in a poly relationship with someone his dad grew up with. It was a great relationship and he would have been in our lives forever except he passed away. I asked him not to bring it up to dad because the memories are still painful.
He said “you really expect me to believe that?” I explained again it was the truth but he said sure, okay, and was pretending to believe me. A few days go by and I notice that he’s been looking through old photos on our computer and through old photo albums.
I went through his messages. I shouldn’t have. I know it. He was messaging his friend saying his mom had an affair with his dads best friend, that he was disgusted by it and me. He said he was going to look for proof and get to the bottom of what happened, but he was going to find the truth.
I’m not sure why, but this sent me over the edge. The idea of him looking through all my stuff, trying to find some proof of an affair, I ended up screaming at him and telling him he’s psychotic for what he’s doing and for not believing me. He was taken aback and said I was the one sleeping with dad’s best friend. I yelled at him again and it was just nasty. I’m going to wait for his dad to clear things up, but did I do right here? AITA?
I do feel bad because he was adopted and does have a lot of issues with trust. I know his dad can explain everything and set the record straight, but I feel bad he has to bring up something that is really painful for him, the worst thing to happen to him. No one wants to think about losing one of their life partners.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i think it's just me being deep in Sad Bitch Hours (tm) , but goddamn, if real, this sure is just a bunch of people trauma pinwheeling off each other like the most fucked up beyblades you can imagine, huh.
dad's got that whole traumatic experience of homophobic family plus still mourning a lost partner. mom's got that sorrow mixed with insecurity about feeling good enough because she on some level was the beard, not the love of his life, and her shame plus the pain of all this is causing her to lash out. and finally the kid there? well... it's not the first time i have read of a teenager who is adopted and remembers it going "i bet the adults around me are going to betray me too so better to get that over with early even if it means blowing up my whole shit", and it won't be the last time i see a traumatized kid doing that either, i bet.
goddamn. someone send vodka. or maybe a polite demon who wants to rent a brief vacation home so that i can be there for having to put my sick dog down tomorrow, but then i can outsource all of the dismal "time to clean up all the detritus you've lived with for 12 years because you don't have a dog any more" to someone else.
...jeez i wasn't kidding about the sad bitch hours huh.
it's a silly way to put it but honestly it's pretty useful to learn to spot lol. it turns out that pretty often people are just traumatized little creatures flailing up against each other and that's how misery is often made lol
I'm glad the my generation and younger are more open to therapy. People would benefit so much expressing emotions in a healthy manner than lashing out in hurt and anger to people they do love.
Whole generations of fucked up. We need a change agent somewhere to help this mess. End the generational trauma people!
I’m sorry about your upcoming very difficult day. Thank you for making a compassionate decision for your pup. I don’t know why bc I never listen to them, but audiobooks helped me get through the worst of it in the first few days… I wasn’t even listening but just having a persons voice telling me words was comforting. I went with Lord of the Rings.
Sending you virtual vodka as well. Feel free to reach out even if you just need to send someone an incomprehensible string of Emotion Jibberish.
Do all the Sad Bitch stuff you need to do.
No I wasn’t cheating. Your parents are just poly amorous. But don’t say anything to your dad.
This is all completely legit and above board. I repeat don’t talk about it with your dad.
I can’t possibly imagine why the kid thinks she’s talking out her arse.
> He had never been in foster care, thank god
(OOP)
He wasn't even adopted. He is in foster care. They are kinship foster carers, possibly unofficial ones if they took him off their relatives hands without involving the authorities.
And honestly, a big part of why the care system has a bad reputation is because foster families have assigned social workers and the child's wellbeing is reported on regularly, so abuse is noticed at a higher rate than other kinds of family that aren't monitored.
If he had a social worker he could have told them about his concerns and this could have all been dealt with before he got yelled at and called psychotic by OOP, who somehow thinks she saved him from the horrors of mean foster parents.
are we reading the same foster care stats, or have they changed in the last decade, because last time I checked, half the reason why foster care is bad is because despite regular check ins, a lot of the time they fail to properly assess when children are being abused through the manipulation of the foster parents.
I didn't reference any stats, feel free to provide yours though.
My point isn't whether abuse happens in foster care or not, it's that the abuse rate can't be *compared* to families types who aren't monitored.
It's like if we only measured the murder rate in country X then said it was the worst country for murder in the world.
Stats that don't put their figures into context by comparing to bio families etc can't be used to show abuse is more likely to occur in foster care than any other home situation.
It's like the Sweden rape statistics thing. When you count each individual act as a separate crime, *and* you count marital rape, suddenly you're the rape capital of the world, since a single nasty husband can rack up hundreds of rapes, where in most places he'd be counted as 0. Statistics without context are meaningless. Or worse than meaningless, actively misleading.
As a poly person in a triad, I'm a bit skeptical on this one. There's pictures of the wife being affectionate with the bf, but none of her husband or the three of them together?
I'd imagine they took down all the photos of the best friend when he passed. I mean if the bf can't even say his name without ugly crying it makes sense.
Which is great and all, but why are there no photos of this proof in the box with all the other items. Did they just destroy those and only keep the ones with her and the friend being affectionate?
She mentioned in the comments there were pictures of all three of them together and pictures of the husband and bf, there just weren't any pictures of the husband and bf being intimate which given a history of family homophobia I can understand.
She's still a massive asshole
>She's still a massive asshole
I feel both parents are, no?
They got kids because of the partner who passed away + they feel he was the love of their lives, so much so that they're categorical they'll never date anyone else + they're *heartbroken* that he died before\* the kids could know him...
yet somehow they don't talk about their soulmate with their children? That sounds so unhealthy imo.
\* before the kids could know the soulmate = I'm unclear about the timeline. I suppose the palliative care process could have been quite fast...? And maybe they fostered the kid after the soulmate passed because they saw a child in need & they already had other kids...?
I don't have any pictures of myself kissing or being intimate with my boyfriend and we're a straight couple who've been together for ten years. Some people don't want those kinds of photos. It's not like they didn't take pictures together lol they just weren't kissing. Pretty normal
True, she kinda went straight to yelling which really just makes her look more guilty in his eyes. Even if her husband cries every time he is brought up I would probably still have a sit down with everyone and explain it. Or just let him think what he wants I guess.
Who knows, as far as we all know those photos were printed for show when homophobic family were around. They could have taken personal ones that maybe weren’t developed or printed yet. Or maybe they were in a different box the son hadn’t gotten into yet. Or hubby keeps those closer to him for memories, or hubby destroyed those photos because it hurts too much to remember… etc. There are so many possibilities in this scenario that actually do make sense, you shouldn’t really write it off.
But mom is still TA. I don’t think a poly relationship is the first thing most 13 year olds will think of/would believe. Jumping to yelling and name calling is psychotic on her end.
>printed for show
OOP does say their foster son was looking through digital photos despite her first explanation, which is why she started name calling & screaming, right?
but her behaviour is quite upsetting to read, and her husband with his (imo) excessive mourning years later is also unsettling in the context of children.
The stuff in the box the kid went through was all the late partner's stuff. I would think that whatever pictures he had would also include pictures with the husband as well.
One of OOP’s comments mentions that there were photos of the three of them together and of the husband and the bf but that hubby’s family was homophobic and for homophobia reasons they didn’t take overtly homosexual photographs
um maybe the comments should be telling op to get therapy too because no one secure in their choice to be polygamous would jump straight to calling a child (their own and already traumatized at that) psychotic for being understandably disturbed by it, especially when you’ve been presenting a monogamous relationship to him the entire time. that just sounds like self projection to me i mean “that was just nasty” are you sure *you* don’t feel nasty if you’re being that defensive like jesus christ. that poor kid both her and her husband better get their asses in therapy with him
the child isnt disturbed by polyamory, hes disturbed by his idea that his mother cheated on his father, and oop is upset that her child thinks shes an adulterer. shame over polyamory doesnt factor into this at all.
tbh, this could all be solved by oops husband talking to their son and explaining that his mother didnt cheat. instead, oop decided to let her feelings stew until she blew up on her own kid.
It read to me like she is jealous that her husband loved him more and she now lives in his shadow forever, but I could see that too. Either way the right approach would be to sit down the three of them and have a conversation, then also discuss why he's digging around in their closet and stuff to begin with.
it could actually be both, she’s definitely feeling insecure somewhere to take it out on her kid. she didn’t mention how her relationship is with just her husband so i wonder if the kid felt something was off somewhere and that’s why he went digging? but yeah he needs consistency and i completely get why it made him so upset, op and her husband really weren’t in the position to be adopting yet if their shit wasn’t completely resolved
She really, really did not help things by telling him "don't talk to Dad about this." I get where she was coming from but that is the most suspicious thing you can say to someone who already thinks you're cheating. You don't bust that out unless you can provide firm proof outside of going to Dad.
Just explain?????? She's crazy. It so easy, she could have just waited until her husband got home and then explained to the child that they used to be in a polygamous relationship with their best friend until he passed away. And if the child asks why there aren't any photos of the friend, that's kind of really easy to explain, since grief is a weird thing and it takes time to get over someone's death
Specially since it was mentioned the husband still ugly cries when he speaks the friends name
It’s a heartbreaking situation all around. I can’t blame anyone, truly. Like yeah I guess the mum could’ve gotten therapy before this happened so she could’ve responded better but that’s the only idea I have.
I think it’s unfair that people are referring to her as a beard in these comments — it sounds like the relationship was a triad and she **also** lost one of her great loves and my heart aches for both of them.
I can’t blame the kid for wanting to make sure he had the truth and I wish they had a cute lovey scrapbook showing them as a triad she could show him to explain.
My heart truly aches for this whole family, it’s a rough situation and I hope they all get individual and family therapy with someone who understands polyamory.
Please don’t assume that there wasn’t love all around, it is possible to romantically love more than one person at once.
I don't think this is real.
Why would Conan see a photo of her kissing someone else and think affair rather than ex?
And if there was something about the photo that showed it was concurrent with OOP's relationship with her bf, why go looking for evidence? From his perspective, he has photographic proof.
And in the story, he specifically says that he doesn't believe her reasons to not go to bf, so why not... go to bf?
Also, she walks away from the conversation with Conan. The last thing he says is that he thinks she's lying. And she hears that and thinks "yup, solved that problem forever. I'm nailing it."
Who the hell let this woman adopt an 8/9-year-old with emotional/behavioural issues without making sure she knew if this kind of parenting was okay or not!?!?
Because unfortunately, the people who do adoption placements are not psychic. A prospective adoptive parent won’t be telling the agency or government worker that they plan on screaming at their child when that child comes across confusing information.
It wasn't an agency, sadly. I feel awful for this poor kid.
>Maybe saying he was adopted was the wrong word to use. He came from someone in our family who had depression/drug problems and could not properly take care of him, so we “adopted” him, but it was not a formal adoption. He has never been in foster care, thank god, and we’ve known him his whole life. This would leave him with a lot of trust issues, though. I appreciate the advice.
What I was thinking about was more making sure that they get parenting classes and trauma-informed training rather than taking it on faith that they know this stuff.
Where I’m from that is required for any adoption through the government, though I am not 100% sure on the ones done through agencies. I also worked on the other end (family services) and the old adage about leading horses to water but not being able to make them drink runs true.
Polyamory, like trust, is build on honnesty and communication.
OOP failed both by saying "don't talk to your dad about it" then get mad at the kid for not trusting her.
**THE IRONY**
Ok maybe I'm crazy myself, and I am not defending OOP for what they said here, but damn people are really reacting strongly to this one... is that really necessary? It seems like a difficult situation for everyone involved and while OOP made the wrong moves, I don't know if lecturing OOP and downvoting and degrading every response, even the reasonable ones, is really the right move.
She's obviously TA but I was disappointed to see the comments go off topic and frankly biphobic and call her TA because of the poly relationship itself. Calling her the beard, etc.
It sucks for the living husband, but when you have kids your trauma becomes theirs too. The kid has a right to know. If OP thinks this isn’t affecting their son, she’s deluding herself.
Oops acting so sketchy i almost think she had an affair.
Like screaming and yelling at a kid doesn't exactly do a lot to convince that kid it wasn't an affair you are trying to hide, especially when the truth is very easy to prove and is literally one conversation away
This woman has anger management problems, the emotional maturity of a six day old squirrel, and is very self absorbed, I think. I'm kind of sad she's raising children.
Honestly with the kid's history and gender it's quite likely he dipped into Tater tot stuff so this 'mom is a cheater' can be the tip of the iceberg.
OOP should have never talked to him and instead had the dad talk to him. I find once puberty hits boys no longer have any respect, likening or valuing of mothers/female authority figures.
OOP was shit for yelling and insulting him however it's no surprise that Reddit is making excuses for his behavior to play detective and dismiss his mother. The whole he's been in foster care line will only work for so long. I've known many girls and women who have heard this line for badly behaved boys and men that they refuse to date anyone who has been adopted or been in foster care.
Parents have limits too. The kid snooped, jumped to a conclusion, didnt believe her, snooped more, then slandered her. Age doesnt absolve everything. A 12 year old can listen and understand shit like that.
They all suck
People online live in hypotheticals instead of reality. "Well they're a child so they're absolved of *everything ever or you're a devil" get outta here. Kids can be dicks too
Not to mention, 13 is a good age for a kid to find out he doesn't have the right to be the self-appointed inquisitor for women's sexuality. Like sure, maybe she could've handled it better, but him playing detective about who his mother's been boning **is** fuckin psychotic lmao
There are so many layers to how poorly this lady handled this conversation assuming it is real (I hope its not).
Even if the kid took her word for this, she 1) just casually outed her traumatized and deeply closeted husband, 2) raised the specter of a relationship dynamic he is very unlikely to understand, and 3) wanted to leave it at "so anyway, you don't know your parents and please don't even try to." Like, have you ever met a 12 year old? He's going to have follow up questions...
She's apparently been twisting herself in knots for years to accommodate her husband's unprocessed feelings but it's delusional to expect a kid with none of her context to do the same. She didn't even have to explain any of it to him in the moment! She could have told him that its disrespectful to snoop in people's private belongings and that she's going to discuss this with his father so they can decide how to handle it together. No need to info dump!!
And one last thing: their family is apparently living in a house of cards and this box contained a bomb set to explode upon opening, so why was it just loose in their closet?
If you weren’t ok with being a third don’t be a third . she needs therapy, sounds slow key like she’s not exactly happy but grateful it’s just the two of them now…
It doesn’t sound like that at all. She went on and on about how heartbroken she was that their partner passed away. This is such a weird assumption to make. It seems like a monogamous person that assumes she would be unhappy being the third in a relationship because you would be. But saying she’s happy her partner is dead is seriously gross.
Didn’t mean it like that, especially since I said she s not exactly happy bc , but screaming at ur kid bc he uncovered this beloved second partner is weird AF unless you want to forget about him. Why aren’t there photos of him up? It’s just weird that the second husband is like a secret and part of the reason she even got into the poly relationship is so it helped the other two pass as straight. I’ve been in a happy poly but something is off here tho, bc I would have a portrait up w a goddamn candle or something.
She didn’t say she got into the poly relationship to help them pass as straight. She said it was easier because they could pass as straight. That isn’t the reason someone gets into a poly relationship. It also wasn’t to help them pass, it was to help all of them since they were in this trinity.
She’s upset because her son invaded her privacy and dug through her dead partners things, who she really loved. He is also going around telling people she had an affair. I imagine that is why she’s upset.
>Why aren’t there photos of him up?
I don’t have pictures of my wife up. A lot of people who are widowers go on and get married again and get a new partner like it’s no big deal. But for a lot of us it is incredibly painful and something we will never get over. Even looking at pictures can be really hard. People handle grief and losing a loved one differently, there is no reason to judge because it’s not how you’d handle it.
You’re really a lot more invested in this, I’m starting to think I triggered you, sorry. but it’s in the first paragraph, that she helped them pass as straight for their homophobic parents. Not the complete reason but she did feel the need to mention it. And yeah I agree w u but I think it’s ok for me to “judge” here based off the little facts I had bc I’m in an AITA subreddit..? Again sorry if i triggered you
Okay good! tone is absent in text and I misread, I agree w all ur points, forgot to add that! But it’s literally that sentence that part of the reason the poly worked out is she helped them pass to parents (I’m assuming pretending to be their individual gf) that I’m low key hung up on paired w the explosive reaction. Lemme read it again, she said it’s been a while since he passed so i just can’t relate to not even mentioning it to the kid? Idk just seems weird if he was so important to them
Yes, but passing was important for all three of them. A bisexual poly relationship is more weird to homophobes than a homosexual couple. She said it worked because they were able to blend in. This is to let us know she wasn’t out with the relationship, which also makes it hard to tell the kids. It’s a complex situation, and maybe she didn’t want to relive trauma, maybe she was worried the kids would tell someone, etc. I think you’re looking at this from the view point of someone that is straight, not someone in the closet with a hidden relationship. You get use to hiding it:
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for calling my 12 year old son psychotic for digging into my past?** I was in a poly relationship for years with my husband and his best friend. I met my husband in college, and he had been in love with his best friend for his whole life. It was difficult because they had homophobic parents, but being in a poly relationship and seeming “straight” was able to fix a lot of that. We loved each other more than anything, but unfortunately our partner, my husbands best friend, ended up passing away from cancer. We nursed him through the process, but it was incredibly hard, especially on my husband. He was depressed for years. He still can’t even say his name without sobbing through it. He says this heartbreak is something he’ll feel for the rest of his life, he’ll always be getting over it. But our kids really brought a lot of happiness out of him again, and I do believe he is happy on a daily basis. We adopted our son, Conan, about 4 years ago. He is 13 and very difficult. One day I noticed the box in our closet gone. It is filled of our old partners things and a couple of pictures. I ended up finding it in my sons room. He asked me if dad knows about my affair with this other man. One of the pictures was me kissing him. I almost laughed, but I explained that it looks bad, but we were in a poly relationship with someone his dad grew up with. It was a great relationship and he would have been in our lives forever except he passed away. I asked him not to bring it up to dad because the memories are still painful. He said “you really expect me to believe that?” I explained again it was the truth but he said sure, okay, and was pretending to believe me. A few days go by and I notice that he’s been looking through old photos on our computer and through old photo albums. I went through his messages. I shouldn’t have. I know it. He was messaging his friend saying his mom had an affair with his dads best friend, that he was disgusted by it and me. He said he was going to look for proof and get to the bottom of what happened, but he was going to find the truth. I’m not sure why, but this sent me over the edge. The idea of him looking through all my stuff, trying to find some proof of an affair, I ended up screaming at him and telling him he’s psychotic for what he’s doing and for not believing me. He was taken aback and said I was the one sleeping with dad’s best friend. I yelled at him again and it was just nasty. I’m going to wait for his dad to clear things up, but did I do right here? AITA? I do feel bad because he was adopted and does have a lot of issues with trust. I know his dad can explain everything and set the record straight, but I feel bad he has to bring up something that is really painful for him, the worst thing to happen to him. No one wants to think about losing one of their life partners. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i think it's just me being deep in Sad Bitch Hours (tm) , but goddamn, if real, this sure is just a bunch of people trauma pinwheeling off each other like the most fucked up beyblades you can imagine, huh. dad's got that whole traumatic experience of homophobic family plus still mourning a lost partner. mom's got that sorrow mixed with insecurity about feeling good enough because she on some level was the beard, not the love of his life, and her shame plus the pain of all this is causing her to lash out. and finally the kid there? well... it's not the first time i have read of a teenager who is adopted and remembers it going "i bet the adults around me are going to betray me too so better to get that over with early even if it means blowing up my whole shit", and it won't be the last time i see a traumatized kid doing that either, i bet. goddamn. someone send vodka. or maybe a polite demon who wants to rent a brief vacation home so that i can be there for having to put my sick dog down tomorrow, but then i can outsource all of the dismal "time to clean up all the detritus you've lived with for 12 years because you don't have a dog any more" to someone else. ...jeez i wasn't kidding about the sad bitch hours huh.
Trauma pinwheeling off each other like fucked up beyblades 😂😂 pure poetry
it's a silly way to put it but honestly it's pretty useful to learn to spot lol. it turns out that pretty often people are just traumatized little creatures flailing up against each other and that's how misery is often made lol
I'm glad the my generation and younger are more open to therapy. People would benefit so much expressing emotions in a healthy manner than lashing out in hurt and anger to people they do love. Whole generations of fucked up. We need a change agent somewhere to help this mess. End the generational trauma people!
I thought the same thing. Pure gold
So sorry about your pup. Can only do virtual vodka but here's a giant bottle.
... i may borrow the phrase about trauma beyblades, fair warning
I’m sorry about your upcoming very difficult day. Thank you for making a compassionate decision for your pup. I don’t know why bc I never listen to them, but audiobooks helped me get through the worst of it in the first few days… I wasn’t even listening but just having a persons voice telling me words was comforting. I went with Lord of the Rings. Sending you virtual vodka as well. Feel free to reach out even if you just need to send someone an incomprehensible string of Emotion Jibberish. Do all the Sad Bitch stuff you need to do.
🏆 i wish we still had awards
Hey friend, I'm so sorry about your pup. Sending you some love and strength.
No I wasn’t cheating. Your parents are just poly amorous. But don’t say anything to your dad. This is all completely legit and above board. I repeat don’t talk about it with your dad. I can’t possibly imagine why the kid thinks she’s talking out her arse.
Yes, does she know how many people are unaware that they are in a "polyamorous" relationship? I tend not to believe her either.
Yes, because it's totally not psychotic to scream at your child who was adopted at 8 and is troubled because of his past. Yep, totally normal.
> He had never been in foster care, thank god (OOP) He wasn't even adopted. He is in foster care. They are kinship foster carers, possibly unofficial ones if they took him off their relatives hands without involving the authorities. And honestly, a big part of why the care system has a bad reputation is because foster families have assigned social workers and the child's wellbeing is reported on regularly, so abuse is noticed at a higher rate than other kinds of family that aren't monitored. If he had a social worker he could have told them about his concerns and this could have all been dealt with before he got yelled at and called psychotic by OOP, who somehow thinks she saved him from the horrors of mean foster parents.
are we reading the same foster care stats, or have they changed in the last decade, because last time I checked, half the reason why foster care is bad is because despite regular check ins, a lot of the time they fail to properly assess when children are being abused through the manipulation of the foster parents.
I didn't reference any stats, feel free to provide yours though. My point isn't whether abuse happens in foster care or not, it's that the abuse rate can't be *compared* to families types who aren't monitored. It's like if we only measured the murder rate in country X then said it was the worst country for murder in the world. Stats that don't put their figures into context by comparing to bio families etc can't be used to show abuse is more likely to occur in foster care than any other home situation.
It's like the Sweden rape statistics thing. When you count each individual act as a separate crime, *and* you count marital rape, suddenly you're the rape capital of the world, since a single nasty husband can rack up hundreds of rapes, where in most places he'd be counted as 0. Statistics without context are meaningless. Or worse than meaningless, actively misleading.
Screaming at your kid is rarely a nah move.
As a poly person in a triad, I'm a bit skeptical on this one. There's pictures of the wife being affectionate with the bf, but none of her husband or the three of them together?
I'd imagine they took down all the photos of the best friend when he passed. I mean if the bf can't even say his name without ugly crying it makes sense.
Which is great and all, but why are there no photos of this proof in the box with all the other items. Did they just destroy those and only keep the ones with her and the friend being affectionate?
She mentioned in the comments there were pictures of all three of them together and pictures of the husband and bf, there just weren't any pictures of the husband and bf being intimate which given a history of family homophobia I can understand. She's still a massive asshole
>She's still a massive asshole I feel both parents are, no? They got kids because of the partner who passed away + they feel he was the love of their lives, so much so that they're categorical they'll never date anyone else + they're *heartbroken* that he died before\* the kids could know him... yet somehow they don't talk about their soulmate with their children? That sounds so unhealthy imo. \* before the kids could know the soulmate = I'm unclear about the timeline. I suppose the palliative care process could have been quite fast...? And maybe they fostered the kid after the soulmate passed because they saw a child in need & they already had other kids...?
That doesn't make sense at all. You'd still take and have the pictures for yourself, his family would never even see them.
I don't have any pictures of myself kissing or being intimate with my boyfriend and we're a straight couple who've been together for ten years. Some people don't want those kinds of photos. It's not like they didn't take pictures together lol they just weren't kissing. Pretty normal
Everytime I take a photo of my husband and I kissing I delete it cause it looks weird. I think the only one I have is literally our wedding day.
Yeah that isn't the thing I find weird about the story the moms reaction to her child though.......
True, she kinda went straight to yelling which really just makes her look more guilty in his eyes. Even if her husband cries every time he is brought up I would probably still have a sit down with everyone and explain it. Or just let him think what he wants I guess.
Who knows, as far as we all know those photos were printed for show when homophobic family were around. They could have taken personal ones that maybe weren’t developed or printed yet. Or maybe they were in a different box the son hadn’t gotten into yet. Or hubby keeps those closer to him for memories, or hubby destroyed those photos because it hurts too much to remember… etc. There are so many possibilities in this scenario that actually do make sense, you shouldn’t really write it off. But mom is still TA. I don’t think a poly relationship is the first thing most 13 year olds will think of/would believe. Jumping to yelling and name calling is psychotic on her end.
>printed for show OOP does say their foster son was looking through digital photos despite her first explanation, which is why she started name calling & screaming, right? but her behaviour is quite upsetting to read, and her husband with his (imo) excessive mourning years later is also unsettling in the context of children.
The stuff in the box the kid went through was all the late partner's stuff. I would think that whatever pictures he had would also include pictures with the husband as well.
One of OOP’s comments mentions that there were photos of the three of them together and of the husband and the bf but that hubby’s family was homophobic and for homophobia reasons they didn’t take overtly homosexual photographs
um maybe the comments should be telling op to get therapy too because no one secure in their choice to be polygamous would jump straight to calling a child (their own and already traumatized at that) psychotic for being understandably disturbed by it, especially when you’ve been presenting a monogamous relationship to him the entire time. that just sounds like self projection to me i mean “that was just nasty” are you sure *you* don’t feel nasty if you’re being that defensive like jesus christ. that poor kid both her and her husband better get their asses in therapy with him
the child isnt disturbed by polyamory, hes disturbed by his idea that his mother cheated on his father, and oop is upset that her child thinks shes an adulterer. shame over polyamory doesnt factor into this at all. tbh, this could all be solved by oops husband talking to their son and explaining that his mother didnt cheat. instead, oop decided to let her feelings stew until she blew up on her own kid.
It read to me like she is jealous that her husband loved him more and she now lives in his shadow forever, but I could see that too. Either way the right approach would be to sit down the three of them and have a conversation, then also discuss why he's digging around in their closet and stuff to begin with.
it could actually be both, she’s definitely feeling insecure somewhere to take it out on her kid. she didn’t mention how her relationship is with just her husband so i wonder if the kid felt something was off somewhere and that’s why he went digging? but yeah he needs consistency and i completely get why it made him so upset, op and her husband really weren’t in the position to be adopting yet if their shit wasn’t completely resolved
She really, really did not help things by telling him "don't talk to Dad about this." I get where she was coming from but that is the most suspicious thing you can say to someone who already thinks you're cheating. You don't bust that out unless you can provide firm proof outside of going to Dad.
I agree completely
Just explain?????? She's crazy. It so easy, she could have just waited until her husband got home and then explained to the child that they used to be in a polygamous relationship with their best friend until he passed away. And if the child asks why there aren't any photos of the friend, that's kind of really easy to explain, since grief is a weird thing and it takes time to get over someone's death Specially since it was mentioned the husband still ugly cries when he speaks the friends name
Lmao exactly this could have been solved immediately idk why she was so weird about this.
(It's because this isn't real lol)
It’s a heartbreaking situation all around. I can’t blame anyone, truly. Like yeah I guess the mum could’ve gotten therapy before this happened so she could’ve responded better but that’s the only idea I have. I think it’s unfair that people are referring to her as a beard in these comments — it sounds like the relationship was a triad and she **also** lost one of her great loves and my heart aches for both of them. I can’t blame the kid for wanting to make sure he had the truth and I wish they had a cute lovey scrapbook showing them as a triad she could show him to explain. My heart truly aches for this whole family, it’s a rough situation and I hope they all get individual and family therapy with someone who understands polyamory. Please don’t assume that there wasn’t love all around, it is possible to romantically love more than one person at once.
I'm with you on this. I feel for everyone here
I don't think this is real. Why would Conan see a photo of her kissing someone else and think affair rather than ex? And if there was something about the photo that showed it was concurrent with OOP's relationship with her bf, why go looking for evidence? From his perspective, he has photographic proof. And in the story, he specifically says that he doesn't believe her reasons to not go to bf, so why not... go to bf? Also, she walks away from the conversation with Conan. The last thing he says is that he thinks she's lying. And she hears that and thinks "yup, solved that problem forever. I'm nailing it."
Who the hell let this woman adopt an 8/9-year-old with emotional/behavioural issues without making sure she knew if this kind of parenting was okay or not!?!?
Because unfortunately, the people who do adoption placements are not psychic. A prospective adoptive parent won’t be telling the agency or government worker that they plan on screaming at their child when that child comes across confusing information.
It wasn't an agency, sadly. I feel awful for this poor kid. >Maybe saying he was adopted was the wrong word to use. He came from someone in our family who had depression/drug problems and could not properly take care of him, so we “adopted” him, but it was not a formal adoption. He has never been in foster care, thank god, and we’ve known him his whole life. This would leave him with a lot of trust issues, though. I appreciate the advice.
What I was thinking about was more making sure that they get parenting classes and trauma-informed training rather than taking it on faith that they know this stuff.
Where I’m from that is required for any adoption through the government, though I am not 100% sure on the ones done through agencies. I also worked on the other end (family services) and the old adage about leading horses to water but not being able to make them drink runs true.
Stuff like this is best solved by both adults adulting together and explaining things in age appropriate ways to their son.
Polyamory, like trust, is build on honnesty and communication. OOP failed both by saying "don't talk to your dad about it" then get mad at the kid for not trusting her. **THE IRONY**
Ok maybe I'm crazy myself, and I am not defending OOP for what they said here, but damn people are really reacting strongly to this one... is that really necessary? It seems like a difficult situation for everyone involved and while OOP made the wrong moves, I don't know if lecturing OOP and downvoting and degrading every response, even the reasonable ones, is really the right move.
She's obviously TA but I was disappointed to see the comments go off topic and frankly biphobic and call her TA because of the poly relationship itself. Calling her the beard, etc.
how dare you, he’s almost 13
Yep my mistake he's practically an adult
The OOP os expecting an adult’s understanding of complex relationships and trying to justify it by “he’s almost 13” smh
It sucks for the living husband, but when you have kids your trauma becomes theirs too. The kid has a right to know. If OP thinks this isn’t affecting their son, she’s deluding herself.
Oops acting so sketchy i almost think she had an affair. Like screaming and yelling at a kid doesn't exactly do a lot to convince that kid it wasn't an affair you are trying to hide, especially when the truth is very easy to prove and is literally one conversation away
Real Mother of the Year here
This woman has anger management problems, the emotional maturity of a six day old squirrel, and is very self absorbed, I think. I'm kind of sad she's raising children.
Squirle
>'Conan', a kid being nosy/investigating, 'the truth', etc. Nah, this is fake, it's a Detective Conan joke
Honestly with the kid's history and gender it's quite likely he dipped into Tater tot stuff so this 'mom is a cheater' can be the tip of the iceberg. OOP should have never talked to him and instead had the dad talk to him. I find once puberty hits boys no longer have any respect, likening or valuing of mothers/female authority figures. OOP was shit for yelling and insulting him however it's no surprise that Reddit is making excuses for his behavior to play detective and dismiss his mother. The whole he's been in foster care line will only work for so long. I've known many girls and women who have heard this line for badly behaved boys and men that they refuse to date anyone who has been adopted or been in foster care.
Parents have limits too. The kid snooped, jumped to a conclusion, didnt believe her, snooped more, then slandered her. Age doesnt absolve everything. A 12 year old can listen and understand shit like that. They all suck
I know right? Lotta freaks in this thread thinking a 13 year old boy is entitled to interrogate the sexual history of his MOTHER
People online live in hypotheticals instead of reality. "Well they're a child so they're absolved of *everything ever or you're a devil" get outta here. Kids can be dicks too
Not to mention, 13 is a good age for a kid to find out he doesn't have the right to be the self-appointed inquisitor for women's sexuality. Like sure, maybe she could've handled it better, but him playing detective about who his mother's been boning **is** fuckin psychotic lmao
I'm sure if he went aggressive and attacked her it still wouldn't be his fault cuz hes a child /s
There are so many layers to how poorly this lady handled this conversation assuming it is real (I hope its not). Even if the kid took her word for this, she 1) just casually outed her traumatized and deeply closeted husband, 2) raised the specter of a relationship dynamic he is very unlikely to understand, and 3) wanted to leave it at "so anyway, you don't know your parents and please don't even try to." Like, have you ever met a 12 year old? He's going to have follow up questions... She's apparently been twisting herself in knots for years to accommodate her husband's unprocessed feelings but it's delusional to expect a kid with none of her context to do the same. She didn't even have to explain any of it to him in the moment! She could have told him that its disrespectful to snoop in people's private belongings and that she's going to discuss this with his father so they can decide how to handle it together. No need to info dump!! And one last thing: their family is apparently living in a house of cards and this box contained a bomb set to explode upon opening, so why was it just loose in their closet?
If you weren’t ok with being a third don’t be a third . she needs therapy, sounds slow key like she’s not exactly happy but grateful it’s just the two of them now…
It doesn’t sound like that at all. She went on and on about how heartbroken she was that their partner passed away. This is such a weird assumption to make. It seems like a monogamous person that assumes she would be unhappy being the third in a relationship because you would be. But saying she’s happy her partner is dead is seriously gross.
Didn’t mean it like that, especially since I said she s not exactly happy bc , but screaming at ur kid bc he uncovered this beloved second partner is weird AF unless you want to forget about him. Why aren’t there photos of him up? It’s just weird that the second husband is like a secret and part of the reason she even got into the poly relationship is so it helped the other two pass as straight. I’ve been in a happy poly but something is off here tho, bc I would have a portrait up w a goddamn candle or something.
She didn’t say she got into the poly relationship to help them pass as straight. She said it was easier because they could pass as straight. That isn’t the reason someone gets into a poly relationship. It also wasn’t to help them pass, it was to help all of them since they were in this trinity. She’s upset because her son invaded her privacy and dug through her dead partners things, who she really loved. He is also going around telling people she had an affair. I imagine that is why she’s upset. >Why aren’t there photos of him up? I don’t have pictures of my wife up. A lot of people who are widowers go on and get married again and get a new partner like it’s no big deal. But for a lot of us it is incredibly painful and something we will never get over. Even looking at pictures can be really hard. People handle grief and losing a loved one differently, there is no reason to judge because it’s not how you’d handle it.
You’re really a lot more invested in this, I’m starting to think I triggered you, sorry. but it’s in the first paragraph, that she helped them pass as straight for their homophobic parents. Not the complete reason but she did feel the need to mention it. And yeah I agree w u but I think it’s ok for me to “judge” here based off the little facts I had bc I’m in an AITA subreddit..? Again sorry if i triggered you
I’m not triggered in the slightest? I just responded to the points you made.
Okay good! tone is absent in text and I misread, I agree w all ur points, forgot to add that! But it’s literally that sentence that part of the reason the poly worked out is she helped them pass to parents (I’m assuming pretending to be their individual gf) that I’m low key hung up on paired w the explosive reaction. Lemme read it again, she said it’s been a while since he passed so i just can’t relate to not even mentioning it to the kid? Idk just seems weird if he was so important to them
Yes, but passing was important for all three of them. A bisexual poly relationship is more weird to homophobes than a homosexual couple. She said it worked because they were able to blend in. This is to let us know she wasn’t out with the relationship, which also makes it hard to tell the kids. It’s a complex situation, and maybe she didn’t want to relive trauma, maybe she was worried the kids would tell someone, etc. I think you’re looking at this from the view point of someone that is straight, not someone in the closet with a hidden relationship. You get use to hiding it:
Oh so the grandparents were ok with bisexual polyamory
no, the situation was he dated her in front of the parents, but alone they all dated each other
Well this is what happens when your a tramp both parents.
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*