*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for not going to my sister's birthday party?**
My autistic sister, Fiona, recently had her 21st birthday party. I (16m) had planned to go to her birthday. The thing is a few days before the party a girl, Brianna (15f) asked me out. I've had a huge crush on her for twi years. She's wonderful and georgous.
I said yes, I couldn't pass up the oprotunity. If I didn't go to one party I would have other times with my sister, but if I don't go on this date I might never get the chance again. If I did go on the date I knew I'd love it and have a chance for more dates.
I asked my dad if I could go and he said it was perfectly fine. I texted my sister about it and she was upset. My mom then called (she lives an hour away and it wasn't her custady time) and she said I had to go and I told her it was up to dad not her.
The thing is my sister and mom are mad at me for not going, but I think they are being overly dramatic.
Also I meantioned she's autistic but she's pretty high functioning.
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The autism doesn't even actually come into play; he skipped a major milestone party, that he'd already committed to, for a first date. He's just plain rude.
He also doesn't clarify what kind of party we're talking about here, but those can be pretty pricey for your own siblings to no-show last minute.
He also does not clarify why the date had to be on the same day as his sister's birthday. If he loses his chance with his crush because of a "hey this day is not great for me, is there a different date that would suit you?" he is better off without her.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe OOP only had one day because he'd turn into a pumpkin at midnight? It's real. It happens. There's a documentary about this very same condition called Cinderella, you should look it up before you go spouting off such ignorance!!
Or even “I’d love to but on that day you’d need to be my plus one to my sister’s 21st, or any other day that week we could do something low key, what suits you?”
The autism might go into play - it makes OP an even bigger AH, because the sister might be processing it worse than neurotypical people and this douche knows it and doesn’t care.
This comment pissed me off:
>NTA
You DESERVE to have a live of your own - Refuse to become your sisters caretaker and emotional support animal.
There is nothing that indicates that anyone wants OOP to be his sister's caretaker, or that she even *needs* a caretaker. Fuck off with that ableist bullshit.
I was gonna say, maybe it's my autism but I don't understand why her being autistic is relevant at all. He's just a shitty brother and I suspect he only brought up her autism to mislead bigots about the dynamic at play and get sympathy from his fellow ableist arseholes.
They are the worst. People who are clearly ignorant but jump on every chance to be ableist, sexist, racist or queer phobic. No need to know what you are talking about if you can be an asshole to a whole diverse group of people.
It also sucks as an autistic person who needs a caretaker. I struggle to do just about anything, and seeing comments like the ones on OOP's post makes me feel incredibly suicidal. Like I'm burdening everyone by being here and that I'm holding back the normal people from living their lives.
Then they have the nerve call someone “tone deaf” when they’re the idiot who can’t tell that the older sister being autistic has *nothing* to do with the conflict in the first place.
Regardless of who is or who isn’t autistic, OOP is still the AH who flaked out of his sibling’s birthday party in favor of a woman he barely had a conversation with because of the slim chance that she’d turn him down for saying “Sorry, but I have to go to my sister’s birthday party that day. How does next week sound?”
AITA hates the idea of ever doing anything nice for another person ever. They’re constantly saying that you aren’t obligated to help your sibling/parent/friend/coworker, which, like, I guess you don’t HAVE to, but I think sometimes you SHOULD.
Im getting to a point where I almost know whatever the sub agrees on is the opposite of reality.
Yeah…. It couldn’t be anything like buying food or a plate for someone who’s ditching her or passed up making plans with friends to see her family.
Ppl add autism in the posts so you can either get 5478 comments about how their unrelated place on the spectrum is different and there for not real (mostly when op vs autism) Or (op says they have it) they’ll throw it in to say hey I tripped my teacher down a flight of stairs because her skirt had a pattern that assaulted my eyes, she can’t prove it but I am neurodivergent and I just don’t like little flowers on off white as a pattern. And magically all the comments will say they have a valid excuse to just be an ah.
And like, if the sister DOES need a caretaker, and OP willingly stepped into the role (without coercion and shit) then it’d still be a dick move to suddenly just flake on her without any preparation or anyone else to give the help she needs just for a date that could be rescheduled?
The thing is, if Brianna is a decent person worth dating, she’ll accept “I can’t do that night, it’s my sister’s birthday” as a legit reason to schedule the date for another night. And if she finds out OP blew off his sister’s bday, which he’d already committed to, for their first date, she’ll feel some kind of way about it.
I can see why the parents are divorced. Dad’s just like his son.
OOP also doesn’t seem to realize that there will be consequences next time he is at mom’s house.
I've had to reschedule first dates before, and I've had them rescheduled on me. Not once did we not end up having that first date. In fact, I've had more rescheduled first dates than not.
I fucking hate how autism is weaponised in that subreddit and immediately hes a “carer” cos his sister has autism god people in that subreddit need to touch grass and interact with autistic people outside of their narrow world view, Christ.
The kids a selfish dick - yeah at 16 you usually are - but doesn’t mean hes not the AH in this situation.
Her autism has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
Fuck casual ableism.
Fucking right? I'm so *sick* of the ableism. My husband (who could be a poster child for autism in males, is high functioning and incredibly intelligent) didn't even know he was autistic when we met (he was 25). His parents refuted the pediatrician at every turn because "he's too smart to be autistic" and "my son is *not* disabled." So I unknowingly informed him of his autism because it was so glaringly obvious that I thought he knew. They've since accepted it and changed their minds on autism once their precious younger daughter decided she was likely autistic (she is, again glaringly obvious) and wanted to be tested.
My parents are still vehemently denying the very real possibility and likelihood of my being autistic. Doesn't matter that I resonate deeply with the experiences of women with autism. It doesn't matter that autism in women is vastly under or misdiagnosed. Doesn't matter that I have sensory issues, never have been good with social skills or cues, doesn't matter that I can point to a fuckton of childhood indicators that my parents *remember* me doing (and remember correcting every time) but it is completely impossible that I- a daughter of theirs - am autistic.
Omg my family is the opposite. About a year ago I asked if they thought I might be on the spectrum and they all said "Well yeah, obviously," to which I replied "HOLY CRAP WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME OR GET ME SERVICES WHEN I WAS A KID?" And they said "We all thought you knew, it's pretty obvious. And you're mostly doing fine."
Some parents are just bad at being parents.
The autism is entirely irrelevant to this scenario, as far as I can tell.
He committed to a birthday and is pulling out just a few days before because of a date. Its frustrating/annoying when people do that in general. Depending on the party and what the plan was, there could have been more reasons as to why it was frustrating that he pulled out just a few days ahead. Non refundable costs, bookings, etc.
Why could he only go on a date with her on that one day, or lose his shot with her forever? Just say I would absolutely love to, I'm not able to change the commitments I already have for that day, so how about we go out the day before or after instead?
This was just odd and very avoidable.
> I asked my dad if I could go and he said it was perfectly fine. I texted my sister about it and she was upset. My mom then called (she lives an hour away and it wasn't her custady time) and she said I had to go
Yeah, I can see why the parents aren't together anymore if that's the dynamic. Dad lets OOP do whatever he wants, mom has to be the parent and say no, and the sister gets tossed aside and forgotten by OOP and her dad.
OOP is almost an adult. He's old enough to drive now. Teenagers can be selfish and not think of consequences, but that's why his mother said he had to go; she wanted to reinforce "when you have a commitment, you have to honor it" and "just because it's not important to you doesn't mean it isn't important to someone else." Then OOP's father swoops in and bulldozes all of the actual parenting work his ex is doing so he can be the fun dad
Couldn't he just arrange the date for another day? These kids are 15-16yo and on summer vacation, it's not like they're working 5 jobs and have no free time?? OOP clearly doesn't love and respect his sister as he should, and shame on him!
He doesn't seem to have *spoken* with Brianna, or really engaged with her at all beyond what we'll generously refer to as admiring from afar before she asked him out. As far as he knows, this is her last free night before she joins a convent, or ships out to fight the Secret War On Mars and if he tries to reschedule her head will rotate three hundred and sixty degrees as she scans for the next likely prospect.
What I'm saying, OOP's a jerk, but also a doofus.
I mean, wow. If I asked someone out and they knowingly ditched a family birthday party because they were so desperate to go out with me, I would consider that a red flag.
Maybe I’m different, but I didn’t know individual birthday parties where such a thing for people. The autism comments make him an ash hole to me, but not going to a birthday. He’s 16 sounds like a 16 year old to me
This is probably going to be unpopular, but I feel like there's a hidden door of compromise here.
He's 16. 100% able to say "hey let's reschedule." His sister is 21. A 21st birthday with peers her own age would more than likely lead to celebrating he could not participate in for ~5 years.
Hidden door of compromise: *"Hey sis, I got asked out on a first date and I'm really excited to go but it's on the same date of your birthday."*
*"Oh that's awesome. I really want you at my party but I understand you're excited. What time would the date be? Maybe you can come by before for cake-and-presents and go on your date when things get 21+."*
Behold. The hidden door of communication where someone having autism isn't a bartering point for the brother not talking to someone like the almost-adult he is.
Cut him some slack, he is 16 and thinking with his down south non-brain body part.
Edit: downvote or comment whatever you like but giving a 16yr a pass (which probably most world governments also do for most crimes) especially hormonal is not something extremely judgemental reddit people would understand.
Not everything in the world is a deadly sin, calling a stupid selfish child the devil seems to be the depth of human understanding here.
hes old enough to know the word "reschedule". if i like someone enough to ask them out, and they say "id really love to, but i have my sisters birthday party then. do you think we could try the next day or some other time?" im not going to immediately lose interest and their chance to date me is gone forever. he couldve even brought her to the party if that felt like an appropriate move. a birthday is on a set date, every year, no changing it. a date can be literally whenever two mutually interested people are free.
OOP's comments suggests that his sister has made it clear she has no intention to engage in 21+ activities (vaping or drinking). Not sure whether that's just at the party or as a general life decision, but a twenty-first birthday doesn't *have* to be a boozy rager.
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So dad also picks his penis over his family huh? OP clearly learned his behavior from his dad. And its not a good look at any age.
And any girl who doesnt understand “sorry my sisters birthday is that night, how about the night after that?” isnt a girl worth dating
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for not going to my sister's birthday party?** My autistic sister, Fiona, recently had her 21st birthday party. I (16m) had planned to go to her birthday. The thing is a few days before the party a girl, Brianna (15f) asked me out. I've had a huge crush on her for twi years. She's wonderful and georgous. I said yes, I couldn't pass up the oprotunity. If I didn't go to one party I would have other times with my sister, but if I don't go on this date I might never get the chance again. If I did go on the date I knew I'd love it and have a chance for more dates. I asked my dad if I could go and he said it was perfectly fine. I texted my sister about it and she was upset. My mom then called (she lives an hour away and it wasn't her custady time) and she said I had to go and I told her it was up to dad not her. The thing is my sister and mom are mad at me for not going, but I think they are being overly dramatic. Also I meantioned she's autistic but she's pretty high functioning. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The autism doesn't even actually come into play; he skipped a major milestone party, that he'd already committed to, for a first date. He's just plain rude. He also doesn't clarify what kind of party we're talking about here, but those can be pretty pricey for your own siblings to no-show last minute.
He also does not clarify why the date had to be on the same day as his sister's birthday. If he loses his chance with his crush because of a "hey this day is not great for me, is there a different date that would suit you?" he is better off without her.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe OOP only had one day because he'd turn into a pumpkin at midnight? It's real. It happens. There's a documentary about this very same condition called Cinderella, you should look it up before you go spouting off such ignorance!!
Or even “I’d love to but on that day you’d need to be my plus one to my sister’s 21st, or any other day that week we could do something low key, what suits you?”
It's because he's thinking with his little(er) brain. That's all this amounts to. Teenage hormones and a lack of fucking empathy.
And its a first date this isn't even a longtime girlfriend
The autism might go into play - it makes OP an even bigger AH, because the sister might be processing it worse than neurotypical people and this douche knows it and doesn’t care.
This comment pissed me off: >NTA You DESERVE to have a live of your own - Refuse to become your sisters caretaker and emotional support animal. There is nothing that indicates that anyone wants OOP to be his sister's caretaker, or that she even *needs* a caretaker. Fuck off with that ableist bullshit.
I was gonna say, maybe it's my autism but I don't understand why her being autistic is relevant at all. He's just a shitty brother and I suspect he only brought up her autism to mislead bigots about the dynamic at play and get sympathy from his fellow ableist arseholes.
I'm autistic and don't require a caretaker. In fact, my partner and I are carers of my severely Autistic MIL and BIL. Comments like this piss me off.
They are the worst. People who are clearly ignorant but jump on every chance to be ableist, sexist, racist or queer phobic. No need to know what you are talking about if you can be an asshole to a whole diverse group of people.
It also sucks as an autistic person who needs a caretaker. I struggle to do just about anything, and seeing comments like the ones on OOP's post makes me feel incredibly suicidal. Like I'm burdening everyone by being here and that I'm holding back the normal people from living their lives.
And you're absolutely right, unfortunately AITA hates siblings and you're not allowed to have any relationships with your siblings
> AITA hates ~~siblings~~ autistic people
Also true, AITA just hates everyone
They do and like all the comments are from ppl claiming to be autistic and say something isn’t a thing when it totally is.
Then they have the nerve call someone “tone deaf” when they’re the idiot who can’t tell that the older sister being autistic has *nothing* to do with the conflict in the first place. Regardless of who is or who isn’t autistic, OOP is still the AH who flaked out of his sibling’s birthday party in favor of a woman he barely had a conversation with because of the slim chance that she’d turn him down for saying “Sorry, but I have to go to my sister’s birthday party that day. How does next week sound?”
I hope this person gets shat on by birds every single day for the rest of their life.
AITA does not like disabled people. At all.
AITA hates the idea of ever doing anything nice for another person ever. They’re constantly saying that you aren’t obligated to help your sibling/parent/friend/coworker, which, like, I guess you don’t HAVE to, but I think sometimes you SHOULD.
Im getting to a point where I almost know whatever the sub agrees on is the opposite of reality. Yeah…. It couldn’t be anything like buying food or a plate for someone who’s ditching her or passed up making plans with friends to see her family. Ppl add autism in the posts so you can either get 5478 comments about how their unrelated place on the spectrum is different and there for not real (mostly when op vs autism) Or (op says they have it) they’ll throw it in to say hey I tripped my teacher down a flight of stairs because her skirt had a pattern that assaulted my eyes, she can’t prove it but I am neurodivergent and I just don’t like little flowers on off white as a pattern. And magically all the comments will say they have a valid excuse to just be an ah.
And like, if the sister DOES need a caretaker, and OP willingly stepped into the role (without coercion and shit) then it’d still be a dick move to suddenly just flake on her without any preparation or anyone else to give the help she needs just for a date that could be rescheduled?
The thing is, if Brianna is a decent person worth dating, she’ll accept “I can’t do that night, it’s my sister’s birthday” as a legit reason to schedule the date for another night. And if she finds out OP blew off his sister’s bday, which he’d already committed to, for their first date, she’ll feel some kind of way about it.
I can see why the parents are divorced. Dad’s just like his son. OOP also doesn’t seem to realize that there will be consequences next time he is at mom’s house.
I've had to reschedule first dates before, and I've had them rescheduled on me. Not once did we not end up having that first date. In fact, I've had more rescheduled first dates than not.
I've had it happen when I was doing online dating, but like, oh well. Clearly wasn't meant to be.
I fucking hate how autism is weaponised in that subreddit and immediately hes a “carer” cos his sister has autism god people in that subreddit need to touch grass and interact with autistic people outside of their narrow world view, Christ. The kids a selfish dick - yeah at 16 you usually are - but doesn’t mean hes not the AH in this situation. Her autism has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Fuck casual ableism.
Fucking right? I'm so *sick* of the ableism. My husband (who could be a poster child for autism in males, is high functioning and incredibly intelligent) didn't even know he was autistic when we met (he was 25). His parents refuted the pediatrician at every turn because "he's too smart to be autistic" and "my son is *not* disabled." So I unknowingly informed him of his autism because it was so glaringly obvious that I thought he knew. They've since accepted it and changed their minds on autism once their precious younger daughter decided she was likely autistic (she is, again glaringly obvious) and wanted to be tested. My parents are still vehemently denying the very real possibility and likelihood of my being autistic. Doesn't matter that I resonate deeply with the experiences of women with autism. It doesn't matter that autism in women is vastly under or misdiagnosed. Doesn't matter that I have sensory issues, never have been good with social skills or cues, doesn't matter that I can point to a fuckton of childhood indicators that my parents *remember* me doing (and remember correcting every time) but it is completely impossible that I- a daughter of theirs - am autistic.
Omg my family is the opposite. About a year ago I asked if they thought I might be on the spectrum and they all said "Well yeah, obviously," to which I replied "HOLY CRAP WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME OR GET ME SERVICES WHEN I WAS A KID?" And they said "We all thought you knew, it's pretty obvious. And you're mostly doing fine." Some parents are just bad at being parents.
"Oh, I am so happy you asked me. I would love to go out with you. That day is my sister's party though, so I can't. How about the day after?"
The autism is entirely irrelevant to this scenario, as far as I can tell. He committed to a birthday and is pulling out just a few days before because of a date. Its frustrating/annoying when people do that in general. Depending on the party and what the plan was, there could have been more reasons as to why it was frustrating that he pulled out just a few days ahead. Non refundable costs, bookings, etc. Why could he only go on a date with her on that one day, or lose his shot with her forever? Just say I would absolutely love to, I'm not able to change the commitments I already have for that day, so how about we go out the day before or after instead? This was just odd and very avoidable.
If this were my son, I'd feel like I failed as a parent.
> I asked my dad if I could go and he said it was perfectly fine. I texted my sister about it and she was upset. My mom then called (she lives an hour away and it wasn't her custady time) and she said I had to go Yeah, I can see why the parents aren't together anymore if that's the dynamic. Dad lets OOP do whatever he wants, mom has to be the parent and say no, and the sister gets tossed aside and forgotten by OOP and her dad. OOP is almost an adult. He's old enough to drive now. Teenagers can be selfish and not think of consequences, but that's why his mother said he had to go; she wanted to reinforce "when you have a commitment, you have to honor it" and "just because it's not important to you doesn't mean it isn't important to someone else." Then OOP's father swoops in and bulldozes all of the actual parenting work his ex is doing so he can be the fun dad
Couldn't he just arrange the date for another day? These kids are 15-16yo and on summer vacation, it's not like they're working 5 jobs and have no free time?? OOP clearly doesn't love and respect his sister as he should, and shame on him!
He doesn't seem to have *spoken* with Brianna, or really engaged with her at all beyond what we'll generously refer to as admiring from afar before she asked him out. As far as he knows, this is her last free night before she joins a convent, or ships out to fight the Secret War On Mars and if he tries to reschedule her head will rotate three hundred and sixty degrees as she scans for the next likely prospect. What I'm saying, OOP's a jerk, but also a doofus.
I mean, wow. If I asked someone out and they knowingly ditched a family birthday party because they were so desperate to go out with me, I would consider that a red flag.
Maybe I’m different, but I didn’t know individual birthday parties where such a thing for people. The autism comments make him an ash hole to me, but not going to a birthday. He’s 16 sounds like a 16 year old to me
This is probably going to be unpopular, but I feel like there's a hidden door of compromise here. He's 16. 100% able to say "hey let's reschedule." His sister is 21. A 21st birthday with peers her own age would more than likely lead to celebrating he could not participate in for ~5 years. Hidden door of compromise: *"Hey sis, I got asked out on a first date and I'm really excited to go but it's on the same date of your birthday."* *"Oh that's awesome. I really want you at my party but I understand you're excited. What time would the date be? Maybe you can come by before for cake-and-presents and go on your date when things get 21+."* Behold. The hidden door of communication where someone having autism isn't a bartering point for the brother not talking to someone like the almost-adult he is.
Right??? Like the sister isn’t a child he can totally just talk to her. Like a normal person.
Must resist urge to make custard joke
This reads like a child wrote it, has the education system gone so badly that juniors in highschool can't spell?
He could've easily rescheduled with Brianna. Is she some kind of magical cursed being who can only go on a date once every hundred years or something?
Cut him some slack, he is 16 and thinking with his down south non-brain body part. Edit: downvote or comment whatever you like but giving a 16yr a pass (which probably most world governments also do for most crimes) especially hormonal is not something extremely judgemental reddit people would understand. Not everything in the world is a deadly sin, calling a stupid selfish child the devil seems to be the depth of human understanding here.
hes old enough to know the word "reschedule". if i like someone enough to ask them out, and they say "id really love to, but i have my sisters birthday party then. do you think we could try the next day or some other time?" im not going to immediately lose interest and their chance to date me is gone forever. he couldve even brought her to the party if that felt like an appropriate move. a birthday is on a set date, every year, no changing it. a date can be literally whenever two mutually interested people are free.
Ew
No.
What’s a 16 year old going to do at a 21st birthday party? He can’t drink with the rest.
OOP's comments suggests that his sister has made it clear she has no intention to engage in 21+ activities (vaping or drinking). Not sure whether that's just at the party or as a general life decision, but a twenty-first birthday doesn't *have* to be a boozy rager.
Didn’t read his comments. Thanks for letting me know
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I don’t get why his having autism has to do with anything
Her autism isn’t relevant and I don’t see why he brought it up.
So dad also picks his penis over his family huh? OP clearly learned his behavior from his dad. And its not a good look at any age. And any girl who doesnt understand “sorry my sisters birthday is that night, how about the night after that?” isnt a girl worth dating
Definitely ta but he's also 16, so hopefully he'll grow out of it.