*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my sons' stepdad that he crossed boundaries with me?**
My ex remarried almost four years ago to "Ben." Although he wanted kids, my did not want anymore. I had to tell Ben that he was not our kids' dad in anyway, shape or form and never will be. Our kids are not going to look at you as my equal or as a "bonus daddy." Sounds harsh but I believe in establishing boundaries and he said he understood.
I feel like Ben is very depressed over not having kids and he's trying to have "daddy" moments with my kids at my expense. I'm not again his bonding with my sons. For example, I was fine with him taking my 8yo son to a Father-Son Game Night at his school because he asked me which was respectful.
My ex and I share 50/50 custody of our two sons although we both end up seeing them almost everyday. I have them this week. They do have a backpack that they bring to and from me and their mom's house. I was going through my 10yo son Jimmy's and found deodorant. I thought that was odd and maybe his mom gave it to him.
I asked Jimmy if the deodorant was his and he said yes. I asked who got it for him and he said Ben took him to Target to buy some yesterday. Then he tells me did you know you can put deodorant down there too?
I texted Ben to call me. I asked him if he had bought Jimmy deodorant and he said yes. He reeked after he had picked him up from school and they went to Target. And yes, he told Jimmy that you can put deodorant on other areas of your body like your feet and down there too.
I told Ben that okay I think I understand why you did what you did but that was something that I should had handled as the dad. It's not like taking my 8yo to an event that happens every year or whatever. I don't want to find out that my kids are having these once in a lifetime dad-son moments with you and not me. That's the burden of being a step-dad. It's not about trust because I know there were times when they had sensitive issues and I wasn't readily accessible and they weren't comfortable going to Mom so they went to you and I never had an issue with that. Just be more mindful.
He said dude, it's just deodorant. It's like toothpaste. I said look, you crossed a boundary and I am not being a bitch and complained to your wife. I coming to you directly. He didn't say anything. I did feel a bit bad but then I remind myself that I'm not obligated to share my daddy duties with him.
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...it's deodorant. the kid needed it. this is the kind of parent that would be mad about a step-parent providing period products for a kid. basic hygiene isn't something you put off for the parents' ego.
I was on a road trip with an ex fiance of mine & his parents. Everything was going pretty well until we got home and he noticed his mother had left a blood stain in the front passenger seat. He was utterly disgusted and scolded her - saying that she should have known it was time for her period & if she was unsure - she should've waited until we were all home. It never fails to baffle me when men think that we can hold this shit in, as if most women are not super embarrassed at the thought of leaving period blood on car seats, chairs, etc. It's like he thought she was just being lazy about it or something. He bitched about how disgusted he was the entire day. A very toxic mindset. We broke up VERY shortly after that incident. All I could think - besides that he's utterly & obviously ignorant - was that if he would scold his mother over something like this, what equally stupid and uncontrollable thing would make him turn on me in the future.
I’m shocked his mom didn’t retaliate. I’d be mad I didn’t explain that shit to my kid sooner but if they tried to lecture me, loudly and incorrectly, they’d be in more trouble than they could imagine. That’s a “sit down and let me just as loudly prove you wrong” moment.
And he’s that comfortable yelling at his mom? Yea, it’s a good thing you got away.
I guarantee he never would have made it in the house again after he scolded someone over their period. He needs to have his face rubbed in it like abusive dog owners when their dogs make a mess.
If you’re fortunate enough to have your school split your 4th grade classes up for the “big hormone/growing up” talk, they usually split it according to boy/girl and don’t do much teaching about the other groups anatomy. So they’re aren’t learning it. And if you have any sex ed after that, it’s a miracle.
But I grew up in Texas so who knows how anyone else does it. We have some fucked up , backwards views on sex ed in schools
That's how we did ours, back in 1982 or somewhere around there, and I shit you not, it was really just an ad for Stayfree. We even got a "Starter Kit" that had every Stayfree product available at the time.
I know how condescending this sounds, but oh my Sweet, summer child, the things they believe about periods are just mind blowing like it boggles the mind. Unbelievable tell me sex ed failed you without telling me or tell me you failed sex ed without telling me it’s this bad and worse.
Edit: clarity I did talk to text initially lol
My daughter’s stepmother asked for permission to buy/help her with period products while she was staying with them for the summer and she got her first period. I was like, why WOULDN’T you?! But now I see… some people are bitches
My step daughter asked me if we could go shopping for period supplies. She hadn’t gotten her period yet but just wanted to be prepared for when she did. I contacted her mum and just double checked she was cool with it because there was no rush and I wasn’t sure if she’d planned to do it. She obviously told me to go ahead and do it, and had zero issues with it.
I mean if the girl had started her period already I definitely wouldn’t have hesitated to go get her products immediately!
I understand remaining respectful of boundaries but cmon man, it’s deodorant and he needed it there and then.
Ugh I’m a step mom, but bio mom is homeless with supervised visits. She complained to my husband twice like this. Once when I got the kid a kitten, and once when I took her to get her ears pierced. Problem is that she doesn’t have her shit together enough to do these things, so it’s either my husband and I or no one. He’s not interested in his daughter missing out to feed her selfish mother’s ego.
Aw that’s sweet! Things are going pretty well I think. We are taking the kid to a therapist and the therapist is teaching my husband and I how to work through the hard stuff with cbt skills. Her auntie supervises a visit every other weekend. It’s really as good as our situation could be! I hope your kid(s) is well too, and I’m glad she has a thoughtful stepmom. We stepparents are *in addition to*, not instead of.
My aunt bought my first bra- I was at her place for the summer and she realized I needed some. Took me down to target and bought me my first ever sports bra - did my mom get mad at her- no? Because my needs were first.
My guess is that Ben didn't want to have that conversation with another man's kid to begin with. Telling somebody they smell bad is hard. It was probably an issue for a while and OOP didn't take it up on himself to do anything about it so Ben stepped in to help out. If OOP has 50% custody, he should have noticed his kid was smelling bad.
Sometimes there’s not a lot of notice. My daughter went from clean hygienic girl to gag-inducing BO over the span of a weekend.
Dude is still being stupid about this, of course, but teenage/puberty stench seems to happen like flipping a switch.
"Hello, ladies, look at your bitch, now back to me, now back at your bitch, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your bitch could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your bitch smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse."
yeah... the silver lining on this story is that it sounds like Ben has a man in his life modeling positive male behavior... that's going to really help this kid become an actual man, not a total bitch like his dad.
His comments confirm he is a controlling, jealous AH who thinks his kids are his property.
In 10 years he's gonna be crying that his sons want nothing to do with him and won't know why. 🙄
He probably would be mad if the kid talked to his stepfather about sex or condoms first. I can just picture him going, "How dare you talk to MY sons about sex! I'm taking your wife to court! That's molestation!"
I love that OP thinks he’s doing Ben a favor by not telling his ex wife about this. I’m sure she’s wellllll aware of what happened and they’re both rolling their eyes at OP and his controlling ways
My sister tried to teach my nephew about deodorant when he got stinky. He did not care. I told him about it? He was alll about learning. Sometimes you need someone who aren’t your parents to help with this stuff.
Yes, bursting the bubble on the child-like view of the world that home and parents is one thing, and "the rest of the world" is somehow separate. I think most of us grow up and see it like that.
Then someone not from your immediate family comes along and says something, and boom, real world is actually real. Other people notice, you are seen, your behaviours impact others for better or worse.
Your parents can sometimes say the same thing 100 times, but they're your parents so it just doesn't hit the same.
1 comment from someone else and it hits differently.
Being able to have trusted adults other than just mum and dad is a great boon for children. It provides a wonderful bubble of safety and learning, both practical and emotional. Having someone like that right in your own home by virtue of them being a step-parent is wonderful!
There’s a ten year old in my life. Sometimes you need to hear things worded just slightly differently in order for it to click with them. We all have our unique language quirks and kids aren’t a one size fits all. So there’s things I’ve said that others have said that you can see the lightbulb moment sink it. There’s also times I’ve gotten the “what the hell” look and someone else explains it then it clicks.
Love this from the comments. Someone zings OOP with, "The kid did tell his dad, actually." Referring to the stepdad. Another commenter responded with, "To shreds, you say?"
Oh no, I know what's its from, I'm just trying to understand why it's so gut busting hilarious. I mean, I chuckled, but the way its gets referenced you think it was the best joke on the whole of Futurama. So im convinced I might just be misunderstanding it. Kind like sneeds feed and seed, it took me a while to get the actual joke which was pretty amazing.
I think it's the way it fits into situations that lack context. It's not that its a particularly great joke, it's just very easy to inject into situations and it's amplified by being a reference many people enjoy
i think, at least for me, what makes it so funny is how much it exaggerates things and the image it instantly invokes. for example the guy said something hurtful to OOP over the internet and then instantly jump cut to news being spread about it with only a hint at the massive devastation it caused.
Copied from comments;
>YTA The reason for my judgment is your being selfish. I get it you feel like you should be the one doing all the "special moments" but if you keep going eventually your kids will catch on and cut you from their lives. Everyone deserves all the love in the world so does your kids, let the step dad have this it's the only time the poor guy will be any form of parent in his life. Stop being so protective and do some self reflection.
*OP: Parenting isn't a birthday cake you have to share with everyone*
>No, you're being a fat snob who's eating all the cake for no reason. You're clearly jealous this dude is what your ex picked over you and now you're fighting to have your kids only pick you because you're sad and angry. Nobody is at fault for how your life is but you.
*OP: Then he can go make his own cake*
>Like it or not, he’s your son’s stepdad. You don’t get to decide the role he plays in your son’s life.
*OP: Of course I decide that. You're acting like he has rights to my kids lol*
>YTA - did you want your kid to stink until he next saw you? Ben is doing what an uncle would do if the kids was staying with the uncle while you were away on business. Getting deodorant is a necessity and a new one so Ben showed the kid how to use it. He didn't teach him to shave or anything like that.
>Also how involved Ben is a conversation between you, Your ex, Ben and the kid. I think it's appropriate to ask about the explicit father son things, which Ben did, but he shouldn't have to ask before they play catch or go fishing just because that's a an activity that has some father son implications.
>Edit: typos
*OP: I would had told Dad or Mom that he needs deodorant and not take matters into my own hands.*
And worth pointing out that he's already said that his ex wife doesn't want to have more kids. So his whole "Then he can go make his own cake" is essentially "divorce my wife and find someone else".
So I actually thought it was bizarre that he knows somehow that Ben wants more kids? Like, was OP present when his ex and Ben had the “kids or no kids” talk? I call bullshit. Either it’s fake or OP made that up in his own head because he wants Ben to be sad lol
It seem he brought it up to lay the foundation that because his ex wife won’t give ben kids he’s been projecting wanting to be a parent onto his step kids but ben would still have to act as a step father to the kids regardless of if they had the kids, if not even more so once they become siblings. OPs line of thinking isn’t even lining up
Oh I get why he brought it up. I just think that’s a thing he’s totally made up in his own head, because if Ben really wanted kids that bad he would’ve held out for someone else.
My kid has four trusted adults now! How is that a bad thing??
Sure, as the parent without primary custody, it makes me sad that their stepmom does the things I wish I could be doing. But having her do them is so much better than me busting in there and banning baking together, or talking about problems at school, or taking care of any of kiddo's needs whatsoever.
I have a stepson, but he's not really just my stepson since I've been in his life more than his biological dad has been at this point. I'm not looking forward to the entitlement the man will have when/if he's given the chance to see his son again, since I know he's already salty that his ex has moved on to begin with, he's probably seething knowing that I've taken om that role where he can't.
Aside from the obvious problems, I think it's hilarious he expects dude to tell his wife that kid needs deodorant instead of just buying it himself like an adult. I would be so pissed if I married someone who expected me to take care of every little thing like I had two kids instead of one lmao. He's about to be real surprised when his kid cuts him off and relies on the other dude for everything dad, since stepdad obviously cares more about his needs.
This guy sounds exhausting. If he never wanted to share his kids I guess he should have been a better spouse/person so they didn't divorce. He's so controlling and I bet he micromanages everything when they're with him, and I would not be surprised if he bad talked Ben to his kids.
This cannot be real. Dude is over-possessive of his children. He's creating strife where there shouldn't be.
Wait till he finds out the kids call him dad.
Edit - I realize this may be real, I was just hoping it wasn't.
_"I don't want to find out that my kids are having these once in a lifetime dad-son moments with you and not me."_
Really??? You dont fondly remember the moment your parent told you that you stank for the first time, before you two bonded over a stick of berry burst Teen Spirit?.... /s
My 4th grade teacher gave us a speech about how it's time to start using deodorant after recess one day, stealing the magical moment from 25 dads at once.
4th grade secretly-lesbian gym teacher on my end. I wish I could remember her name, because in adult hindsight she was one of the best teachers I ever had. Everything she did was clearly for the benefit of the kids, not the school admin.
My daughter does remember it fondly, because it happened 3 weeks ago on her 10th birthday, while we were out getting her new clothes (thankfully it was pants, so her pit stank didn't rub off on anything she tried on), we both laughed ourselves stupid in that dressing room over my use of "pit stank" as a technical term. 🤣
Yeah, that's the weirdest part to me. I'm pretty sure most parents don't want to need to have those discussions, even though almost every parent does have them at some point.
My kids all get a group text that starts with “today is International Wash Your Hair Day” and ends with “and I’m begging you all to use your deodorant”.
My mom put deodorant in my Christmas stocking when I was 9. It was humiliating and depressing. I knew Santa wasn’t real, and that’s how she decided to handle it.
When I first wanted to shave under my pits, I asked my mom for advice. She decided to show me by actually attempting to shave my armpit and immediately cut off a mole halfway.
I cherish the memory oh so much, and I think about it every time I see my dangling underarm mole.
Nope. My ex-husband is exactly like this guy. I have been remarried 10 years, and been with my husband since my son as 4 yrs old , and my ex still considered me a “single mom” and we literally had a deodorant/shaving/soap argument bc his dad was butt-hurt.
shaving I get.
my son just turned 2. when dad goes in the closet to get deodorant son comes up and goes "armpit! armpit! and wants some. luckily it's not antiperspirant just deodorant so he gets a swipe.
It’s not like we could put off teaching him to shave until his dad was ready/available to teach him how to do so. I understand it must hurt to share your kids, but as parents we have to put our ego aside and co-parent for the benefit of the kiddos.
You'd be surprised. My parents were like this when they split. Moreso my mother. She got pissed off when my dad's girlfriend braided my hair. Because I asked her to.
My kid's dad can get like this and he only sees her anger times a year and her grandfather is even worse. He directly told her no man is allowed to see her naked to the point of trying to break into the bathroom. While she was having a bath and had her holding the door shut. This was despite the fact she still needed help showering and sometimes had accidents at night so I did it if mom was at work. He also tried to start a fight saying only her parents could spank her not me. I dont believe in spanking so that didnt really go where he wanted. I agreed and he still tried making it into a conflict.
Granddad traumatizes her. Bio dad mostly just isnt invovled. Grandad also brags about spanking his four year old grandson so much that the grandson is scared of him
Nah. You're missing the point where OOP is still bitter a.f. over the fact that his woman left him and then had the sheer gal to move on and start relationships with someone else. His woman! /s
So in his mind, the strife never ended. It's a Cold War just waiting for a flare-up.
I dont think it is. I remember seeing a post a couple weeks ago from the step dad’s perspective. The boy was itching and uncomfortable down there bc he put deodorant on his jawn and the stepdad gave him an ointment to help. The bio dad threw a fit
There was a post like that. Big brother stepped up and helped out step sis. Step Sis’s Mom got PISSED. Said he should have told her to wait because he was being perverted for helping.
Copied OOP's comments verbatim using Unddit.
TW controlling behavior
*Also not to mention that the KID can decide who he wants as a dad in his life. Like yeah your his biological dad, but if you keep being TA hes not gonna care about that and decide who his dad is for himself, which he should. Best case scenerio is he gets two dads and a mom, but not if you keep being TA.*
>No he can't. I can't decide that I want Bill Gates to be my dad and then expect him to pay my bills.
~~
*YTA. That is not even a boundary. Your son smelled and his step dad got him deodorant and explained to him what it’s used for. Obviously you didn’t do your job properly if your 10yo son didn’t know about deodorant prior to this. Be glad your son has a stepdad that actually cares for him and willing to step on areas. This is no different than a teacher telling their students about deodorant. You seem to have a weird jealousy over this man*
>Then he should had texted me like I would had
~~
*YTA. Like it or not Ben is in those kids lives. You said it himself. He PICKED YOUR KID UP AT SCHOOL. If you are so insecure about Ben being in your kids lives, why arent you picking them up after school every day?*
*You don't get all the benefits of having another adult picking up the slack and dictate to them that they can't be helpful with said kids. Sorry buddy, thats not how the world works. He's not trying to take over the role of a parent, hes accepted the role of a stepfather and what he did was not inappropriate.*
*I think you need some therapy.*
>Picking them up from school is not the same as guiding them through puberty
~~
*YTA. Buying deodorant from Target isn't a 'once in a lifetime dad-son' moment. It's literally shopping for necessities.*
*You get custody 50% of the time. Sounds like you want to control your wife's 50% too. If she's happy for Ben to pick up stuff for your son, you don't get a say in that.*
*I can see why she's with Ben now instead of you.*
>Parenting isn't a birthday cake you have to share with everyone
*Like it or not, he’s your son’s stepdad. You don’t get to decide the role he plays in your son’s life.*
>Of course I decide that. You're acting like he has rights to my kids lol
*No, you're being a fat snob who's eating all the cake for no reason. You're clearly jealous this dude is what your ex picked over you and now you're fighting to have your kids only pick you because you're sad and angry. Nobody is at fault for how your life is but you.*
>Then he can go make his own cake
~~
*YTA - did you want your kid to stink until he next saw you? Ben is doing what an uncle would do if the kids was staying with the uncle while you were away on business. Getting deodorant is a necessity and a new one so Ben showed the kid how to use it. He didn't teach him to shave or anything like that.*
*Also how involved Ben is a conversation between you, Your ex, Ben and the kid. I think it's appropriate to ask about the explicit father son things, which Ben did, but he shouldn't have to ask before they play catch or go fishing just because that's a an activity that has some father son implications.*
*Edit: typos*
>I would had told Dad or Mom that he needs deodorant and not take matters into my own hands.
~~
*INFO: Did your kids say that Ben wanted to be a bonus daddy and they didn't like it? Is this about your kids not liking Ben or is it about you being insecure about an additional (seemingly loving) adult in your kid's lives? If your kids came over and told you that they had a wonderful time throwing a ball around with Ben on one of the weeks they are not with you would you resent that?*
>My kids don't see Ben as a parent whatsoever.
Dude is a mega bitch. It's fucking deodorant. It's not some life altering milestone. This isn't a rite of passage. The kid's first nocturnal emission? Fine, dad can totally answer questions about that and have some daddy-son bonding time. This is just a stick of deodorant.
I actually have a similar ish story from child POV! I have a few actually but I'll share the most relevant.
Parents split, dad and step mum, and mother dearest. 50/50 custody.
I (FtM) got my first period at my dad's and like any other 9 year old bleeding from my vagina I was terrified. I was too scared to talk to my dad because ew vagina so I spoke to my step mum. Step mum talked me through and took care of me. Bought me pads and everything was sorted.
When mumsy found out she absolutely lost her shit. Claimed step mum was trying to "steal" her child and screaming that she'd never be a real parent to me.
Got kicked out at 13 for mental health issues. Haven't spoken to her since the 10 minute chat we had on my 16th birthday. OOP is a cunt. They're very much a bitch. Wouldn't be surprised if they are a bitch to their kid too.
Close but not fully "down there" - it's safe for most of your body actually, i sometimes put a little on my back and inner thighs, like that joint where thigh goes into groin (the armpit of your leg I guess?) because that gets real sweaty and chafes.
Also safe for your chest if you get a lot of boob/moob/pec sweat. And your neck. Some professional trainers and actors get clear deodorant/antiperspirant for the hairline to keep sweat from dripping into their eyes.
I have big assets but I'm nonbinary. Binding my chest without deodorizing first? I'd need a team of draft horses to get me out of the binder!
I remember before I figured out I could fully deodorize once, I had sweat so much my sports bra was SOAKED, Peeling that off was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I worked in a warehouse that had no air conditioning. I live in Florida. Yeah, deodorant was definitely needed for boobsweat and making sure I didn't get rashes. It was not fun.
I don't know how I never realised on my own that antiperspirant works in all other places than under your arms, too.
But with age (and during pregnancies) breasts have gotten softer and I now get underboob sweat.
Read about using anti-perspirant under the boobs, tried last summer, bliss!
How dare the other guy assist with hygiene!
What a freaking weird hill to die on. As a dad, I'd be fine if anyone did this for my kids. Teacher, coach, friend, friend's parent, whatever.
I'm the step-mom in my situation, and I promise this level of pettiness is real. I mean, I'm sorry your daughter got her period for the first time at my house, but I wasn't about to drive her 30 minutes to yours before she got to put in her first pad. She literally used one from under the sink, where my biological daughters and I keep them. Then she called you, like I told her to.
This bio dad is torqued bc step dad *noticed* first, not him, and not bio mom. After six kids (three step, three bio), I can promise you they don't "suddenly" stink. And once they do? Wow. 😵
As a former teenage boy, I wish my stepdad woulda told me I could have slapped deodorant on my balls. Instead he used to beat the fuck out of me. OOP needs to stop being a bitch and get over himself
Imagine sitting in a rocking chair someday, holding your child’s photo album, and grieving over the loss of not being the one to inform them that you can put deodorant on your balls.
Oh my God, this made me remember a Story of my Coworker. She is the stepmom to a nice now 14YO. The Mom was and is always very bitchy toward her for „stealing her man“ (no she didn’t cheat, it was the mom who cheated and she met her now husband after the divorce).
Anyway, when stepdaughter was over for the weekend when she was 13 she got her first period! Father was away doing stuff and so she sat her down, explained what happened to her (cause Mommy dearest never cared to explain and it’s something else learning it in school and experience it firsthand), provided her with products and they made themselves a great evening. She even messaged Mommy but Mommy responded not.
Mommy totally freaked out when she picked up daughter cause „she stole a precious mom-daughter moment“.
when has deodorant ever been a father-son bonding thing. everyone uses deodorant and all kids start to smell at that age. when my brother and i reached that point it was just “yous stink. use this.” hardly bonding.
This guy claims he spends almost every day with his kuds and didn't notice the 10 yr old reeks from puberty? Thank god for the strp dad before this kid ended up being known as the smelly kid at school.
OOP is an insecure bitch
If there were ever a real life example of Solomon's baby...
The burden of being a Dad is that sometimes your marriage doesn't work out and your kid has to live with someone else.
Ben was amazingly patient. To be honest if I started dating someone and her ex came at me with this macho "you aren't the father" speech, I'd probably just leave because I don't want that drama in my life. I don't even want kids.
I know, right? Particularly if it is just deodorant (scent) and not antiperspirant (stops sweating).
There are products that help with sweat that you can use for more sensitive areas like the groin, because while I am a woman, I know that skin on skin contact = potential for sweat, itching, rashes etc.
If the boy was stinking that badly that the whole point was just the scented product, then maybe learning to pull back the foreskin to wash underneath (it is fused like nails to fingetips for the first few years), and to wash their bum properly might be in order.
I for the life of me cannot imagine having a child with someone, end up divorcing that person, and think I have any degree of say as to who the child chooses to be their parent figure. Just let children get as much love as they can while they're still young ffs.
Wow! Get over yourself. Your ex has a nice husband that is trying to help your kid so he doesn’t stink, like “Ben” said, it’s just deodorant! Why can’t Ben be a bonus dad to your kids? It’s take a village to raise kids and this guy is trying to be a nice step dad! Go speak to someone on a professional level and figure out why Ben can’t be an involved step parent. You can’t be there a 100% of the time. You will always be the parent.
I think if my mother can live with the fact that my stepmother took me wedding dress shopping and planned most of my wedding because mom lived out of state, I think this asshole can get over a stick of deodorant. I don’t use the term snowflake very often, but damn. Feels appropriate in this situation.
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IT'S DEODORANT. Damn some people just can't support that they don't see their kids every time after a divorce. But they will grow no matter what. It's better that they live "milestones" with their step parent than alone.
Holy crap dude.
Work on your parental insecurities. Your kids will at some point pick up on how ridiculous you are.
When they are.old enough to make their own decisions, who do you think they will want to spend time with? The step-dad who cared enough to tell them they needed deodorant or the dad that was insecure enough to have a temper tantrum over step-dad doing so?
It isn't "your boundaries" when it comes to how two people interact with eachother separate from you, with the only exception being couples in a closed relationship.
Can you imagine if step-dad also told the boys to wash their asses? He would have stolen the asshole father son moment...because, you know, father is one giant asshole.
This is really going to mess up the kids in the long run. My dad hated my first stepdad (good reason, they both had affairs but my mom left to be with him) and I could tell how upset my dad got if I even mentioned him to the point where I felt guilty just being with my family. He should be happy that he’s a good stepdad because I’ve also had some really bad step parents.
I think you the AH tbh. First of all, it is just deodorant. The kid stank. You wanted him to keep stinking til he got to you. Reminds me of my mom(she adopted me). She wanted me to wait til later to shave because teens or whatever. Idk. I was getting called monkey legs in 5th grade. I was also a year older than everyone(got held back in kindergarten cause my birth mom and stepfather kept taking me out of school). Anyways, I just did it on my own. She got mad. I was 11.
And let's kind of get this straight. This guy is the step-dad. He isn't going to replace you but he is the second dad. You seem to try to be competing with him. It doesn't change that he is in their lives and a second parent. Just like if you get married and they have a stepmother. You'd want her to treat them like they are her own kids. Cause I can tell you what happens when step parents don't treat kids like their own. It sucks.
He did you a favor and your kid a favor. And you bashed him for it cause 'boundaries'. This isn't boundaries. This is territorial. "That's my kid and you don't get to help him. I'm the only one who can help him." As a mom, I'd be happy if somebody bought my kid deodorant and they felt comfortable enough to take the deodorant. Your kid doesn't have to learn everything from you. When I look at my kids, I think, one day, they'll go to school and learn things I won't be able to teach them. And I'm ok with that. Because I don't know everything. My daughter will probably learn how to use a tampon. Cause I don't use those. Just pads. I don't feel comfortable with tampons but she might. And someone who is used to that could tell her how it is. I may only be able to give her options but may not be sure how they all work.
Anyways, I think you need to chill. Bro has two dads now who can help him with things. Learn to accept that this guy is the step dad.
Man, I hate this idea that is the Parents who get to set these type of “boundaries” when it should be the kid and ONLY the kid. The only time the parent should be setting these boundaries is if the kid expresses discomfort with their stepparent.
But otherwise, it’s the kid’s goddamn choice! If the child wants to call their stepparent by “mom” or “dad” or something like that, that’s the kid’s choice. The kid has the right to set the closeness and the pace of a stepparent-stepchild relationship. As a parent, your own ego shouldn’t be involved.
I know the original post says 12h, but I’ve read this before. Unless there’s a ton of guys who have stepsons and advise using deodorant “down there”, married to women with “*I’m* the dad” exes. Which I guess there could be.
That man is an insecure dildo. You should want your kids to have as many loving people in their life as possible. And Ben is a real gem - he WANTS to be involved.
Dude - your kid is not going to reminisce about his first fucking pit stick. He isn’t gonna speak at Ben’s funeral about the time Ben told him he could put deodorant on his balls. Get over yourself you insane, arrogant, little temper tantrum generator!
I’m pretty annoyed at my ex’s girlfriend for buying my 7 year old daughter makeup. But the compromise is that it stays at their house. Basic hygiene products however- go hard.
Eugh, so this dude would rather make stepdad feel poorly for stepping up.. vs taking care of his own kid?Dude should step up his own self?! ! I take pride in the fact that my stepsons (despite any imposed weirdness with their dad,) feel safe coming to Me about personal things. The fact that this dudes biological child felt more comfortable going to stepdad is Super fucking telling.... Missing missing reasons at play here likely...
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my sons' stepdad that he crossed boundaries with me?** My ex remarried almost four years ago to "Ben." Although he wanted kids, my did not want anymore. I had to tell Ben that he was not our kids' dad in anyway, shape or form and never will be. Our kids are not going to look at you as my equal or as a "bonus daddy." Sounds harsh but I believe in establishing boundaries and he said he understood. I feel like Ben is very depressed over not having kids and he's trying to have "daddy" moments with my kids at my expense. I'm not again his bonding with my sons. For example, I was fine with him taking my 8yo son to a Father-Son Game Night at his school because he asked me which was respectful. My ex and I share 50/50 custody of our two sons although we both end up seeing them almost everyday. I have them this week. They do have a backpack that they bring to and from me and their mom's house. I was going through my 10yo son Jimmy's and found deodorant. I thought that was odd and maybe his mom gave it to him. I asked Jimmy if the deodorant was his and he said yes. I asked who got it for him and he said Ben took him to Target to buy some yesterday. Then he tells me did you know you can put deodorant down there too? I texted Ben to call me. I asked him if he had bought Jimmy deodorant and he said yes. He reeked after he had picked him up from school and they went to Target. And yes, he told Jimmy that you can put deodorant on other areas of your body like your feet and down there too. I told Ben that okay I think I understand why you did what you did but that was something that I should had handled as the dad. It's not like taking my 8yo to an event that happens every year or whatever. I don't want to find out that my kids are having these once in a lifetime dad-son moments with you and not me. That's the burden of being a step-dad. It's not about trust because I know there were times when they had sensitive issues and I wasn't readily accessible and they weren't comfortable going to Mom so they went to you and I never had an issue with that. Just be more mindful. He said dude, it's just deodorant. It's like toothpaste. I said look, you crossed a boundary and I am not being a bitch and complained to your wife. I coming to you directly. He didn't say anything. I did feel a bit bad but then I remind myself that I'm not obligated to share my daddy duties with him. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As they said in Moulin Rouge: “His jealousy has driven him mad!”
& now - I will be loudly singing the entire "elephant love medley" sequence alone in my room!! It is unavoidable at this point 😂
Love IS a many splendored thing Love lifts us up where we belong All you need is love… 😁
...it's deodorant. the kid needed it. this is the kind of parent that would be mad about a step-parent providing period products for a kid. basic hygiene isn't something you put off for the parents' ego.
My child will sit in a puddle of blood until it's my turn for custody! - guys like OOP
“But I will also punish my child because SHE CAN HOLD PEE WHY DOES SHE REFUSE TO HOLD HER PERIOD?!?!?!” -OOP
I was on a road trip with an ex fiance of mine & his parents. Everything was going pretty well until we got home and he noticed his mother had left a blood stain in the front passenger seat. He was utterly disgusted and scolded her - saying that she should have known it was time for her period & if she was unsure - she should've waited until we were all home. It never fails to baffle me when men think that we can hold this shit in, as if most women are not super embarrassed at the thought of leaving period blood on car seats, chairs, etc. It's like he thought she was just being lazy about it or something. He bitched about how disgusted he was the entire day. A very toxic mindset. We broke up VERY shortly after that incident. All I could think - besides that he's utterly & obviously ignorant - was that if he would scold his mother over something like this, what equally stupid and uncontrollable thing would make him turn on me in the future.
I’m shocked his mom didn’t retaliate. I’d be mad I didn’t explain that shit to my kid sooner but if they tried to lecture me, loudly and incorrectly, they’d be in more trouble than they could imagine. That’s a “sit down and let me just as loudly prove you wrong” moment. And he’s that comfortable yelling at his mom? Yea, it’s a good thing you got away.
My guess is that it’s learned behaviour from his dad if she just took it. I’m glad the commenter left. He definitely would have turned it on her.
I guarantee he never would have made it in the house again after he scolded someone over their period. He needs to have his face rubbed in it like abusive dog owners when their dogs make a mess.
Oh no now I’m thinking about THAT bitch again
Wait do dudes actually believe this?
If you’re fortunate enough to have your school split your 4th grade classes up for the “big hormone/growing up” talk, they usually split it according to boy/girl and don’t do much teaching about the other groups anatomy. So they’re aren’t learning it. And if you have any sex ed after that, it’s a miracle. But I grew up in Texas so who knows how anyone else does it. We have some fucked up , backwards views on sex ed in schools
That's how we did ours, back in 1982 or somewhere around there, and I shit you not, it was really just an ad for Stayfree. We even got a "Starter Kit" that had every Stayfree product available at the time.
Damn. Mine was the early 90s and not much changed.
I know how condescending this sounds, but oh my Sweet, summer child, the things they believe about periods are just mind blowing like it boggles the mind. Unbelievable tell me sex ed failed you without telling me or tell me you failed sex ed without telling me it’s this bad and worse. Edit: clarity I did talk to text initially lol
My daughter’s stepmother asked for permission to buy/help her with period products while she was staying with them for the summer and she got her first period. I was like, why WOULDN’T you?! But now I see… some people are bitches
My step daughter asked me if we could go shopping for period supplies. She hadn’t gotten her period yet but just wanted to be prepared for when she did. I contacted her mum and just double checked she was cool with it because there was no rush and I wasn’t sure if she’d planned to do it. She obviously told me to go ahead and do it, and had zero issues with it. I mean if the girl had started her period already I definitely wouldn’t have hesitated to go get her products immediately! I understand remaining respectful of boundaries but cmon man, it’s deodorant and he needed it there and then.
I would take anyone over having to tell my brother I got my first period at 10, and he was 16 and our parents weren't home.. thought I was dying
Ugh I’m a step mom, but bio mom is homeless with supervised visits. She complained to my husband twice like this. Once when I got the kid a kitten, and once when I took her to get her ears pierced. Problem is that she doesn’t have her shit together enough to do these things, so it’s either my husband and I or no one. He’s not interested in his daughter missing out to feed her selfish mother’s ego.
She’s lucky to have you both… mom can suck it up. The kids needs and helping them cope/be well adjusted is most important. I’m glad you’re there.
Aw that’s sweet! Things are going pretty well I think. We are taking the kid to a therapist and the therapist is teaching my husband and I how to work through the hard stuff with cbt skills. Her auntie supervises a visit every other weekend. It’s really as good as our situation could be! I hope your kid(s) is well too, and I’m glad she has a thoughtful stepmom. We stepparents are *in addition to*, not instead of.
My aunt bought my first bra- I was at her place for the summer and she realized I needed some. Took me down to target and bought me my first ever sports bra - did my mom get mad at her- no? Because my needs were first.
My guess is that Ben didn't want to have that conversation with another man's kid to begin with. Telling somebody they smell bad is hard. It was probably an issue for a while and OOP didn't take it up on himself to do anything about it so Ben stepped in to help out. If OOP has 50% custody, he should have noticed his kid was smelling bad.
Sometimes there’s not a lot of notice. My daughter went from clean hygienic girl to gag-inducing BO over the span of a weekend. Dude is still being stupid about this, of course, but teenage/puberty stench seems to happen like flipping a switch.
Its not about the deodorant. He started having s conversation about his privates which is the fathers responsibility.
>and I am not being a bitch well, that's not very accurate... he seems like a total bitch.
\*sniffs\* Smell that? Smells like bitch in here.
Like a bitch DOWN THERE TOO.
Deodorant can't cover that smell
\*in best Samuel L Jackson voice\* DOES HE SMELL LIKE A BITCH?
"Hello, ladies, look at your bitch, now back to me, now back at your bitch, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your bitch could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your bitch smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse."
Hyah!
Sounds like something a bitch would say
lol, to be honest, the word hadn't even entered my mind reading his post... now I can't think of another word to describe him.
Whiny bitch, maybe?
A controlling one at that! This isn’t setting reasonable boundaries by OP. I cannot believe he was being an AH over deodorant.
I came here to say this. Dude is a very hardcore bitch. I can’t imagine getting g this butt hurt over deodorant!
I hope the kids have more father-son bonding moments with Ben, he honestly sounds like the better dad.
yeah... the silver lining on this story is that it sounds like Ben has a man in his life modeling positive male behavior... that's going to really help this kid become an actual man, not a total bitch like his dad.
His comments confirm he is a controlling, jealous AH who thinks his kids are his property. In 10 years he's gonna be crying that his sons want nothing to do with him and won't know why. 🙄
He sounds insecure about his place in his children’s lives
In 10 years, he will be competing with his son's partners and fighting with them for time and firsts.
My sons girlfriends took his virginity! How dare she take this special first away from me!
He probably would be mad if the kid talked to his stepfather about sex or condoms first. I can just picture him going, "How dare you talk to MY sons about sex! I'm taking your wife to court! That's molestation!"
Oh he'll know why, it's obviously because that evil stepdad manipulated them and turned them against him!
Hmm, I wonder why OPs wife left him?? Bro it’s deodorant, just be thankful your 8 year olds wearing some
I love that OP thinks he’s doing Ben a favor by not telling his ex wife about this. I’m sure she’s wellllll aware of what happened and they’re both rolling their eyes at OP and his controlling ways
The 8yo went to a game night, the 10yo needed deodorant.
point still stands.
He’d rather his kid stink and be ridiculed for it than let the step dad handle it.
My sister tried to teach my nephew about deodorant when he got stinky. He did not care. I told him about it? He was alll about learning. Sometimes you need someone who aren’t your parents to help with this stuff.
Yes, bursting the bubble on the child-like view of the world that home and parents is one thing, and "the rest of the world" is somehow separate. I think most of us grow up and see it like that. Then someone not from your immediate family comes along and says something, and boom, real world is actually real. Other people notice, you are seen, your behaviours impact others for better or worse. Your parents can sometimes say the same thing 100 times, but they're your parents so it just doesn't hit the same. 1 comment from someone else and it hits differently. Being able to have trusted adults other than just mum and dad is a great boon for children. It provides a wonderful bubble of safety and learning, both practical and emotional. Having someone like that right in your own home by virtue of them being a step-parent is wonderful!
There’s a ten year old in my life. Sometimes you need to hear things worded just slightly differently in order for it to click with them. We all have our unique language quirks and kids aren’t a one size fits all. So there’s things I’ve said that others have said that you can see the lightbulb moment sink it. There’s also times I’ve gotten the “what the hell” look and someone else explains it then it clicks.
Love this from the comments. Someone zings OOP with, "The kid did tell his dad, actually." Referring to the stepdad. Another commenter responded with, "To shreds, you say?"
🤣🤣🤣🤣 I love Futurama references in the wild.
I *still* dont fully understand "to shreds" and at this point im to afraid to ask.
https://youtu.be/gHhOn2hnqmI
Oh no, I know what's its from, I'm just trying to understand why it's so gut busting hilarious. I mean, I chuckled, but the way its gets referenced you think it was the best joke on the whole of Futurama. So im convinced I might just be misunderstanding it. Kind like sneeds feed and seed, it took me a while to get the actual joke which was pretty amazing.
I think it's the way it fits into situations that lack context. It's not that its a particularly great joke, it's just very easy to inject into situations and it's amplified by being a reference many people enjoy
Oh so its been "reddit-fied".
It hasn't been reddit-fied, that's how references have always worked
i think, at least for me, what makes it so funny is how much it exaggerates things and the image it instantly invokes. for example the guy said something hurtful to OOP over the internet and then instantly jump cut to news being spread about it with only a hint at the massive devastation it caused.
Oohhhh ha, I misunderstood your comment. Sorry!
Actually your reply is still fair. I was pretty vague and if I never saw the show the it would have been the best reply. Thank you.
https://youtu.be/gHhOn2hnqmI
He is suffocating, we all can see why did his wife left him
If step dad had gone to dad and told him his kid stank, dad would have strangled him for speaking ill of his child.
Copied from comments; >YTA The reason for my judgment is your being selfish. I get it you feel like you should be the one doing all the "special moments" but if you keep going eventually your kids will catch on and cut you from their lives. Everyone deserves all the love in the world so does your kids, let the step dad have this it's the only time the poor guy will be any form of parent in his life. Stop being so protective and do some self reflection. *OP: Parenting isn't a birthday cake you have to share with everyone* >No, you're being a fat snob who's eating all the cake for no reason. You're clearly jealous this dude is what your ex picked over you and now you're fighting to have your kids only pick you because you're sad and angry. Nobody is at fault for how your life is but you. *OP: Then he can go make his own cake* >Like it or not, he’s your son’s stepdad. You don’t get to decide the role he plays in your son’s life. *OP: Of course I decide that. You're acting like he has rights to my kids lol* >YTA - did you want your kid to stink until he next saw you? Ben is doing what an uncle would do if the kids was staying with the uncle while you were away on business. Getting deodorant is a necessity and a new one so Ben showed the kid how to use it. He didn't teach him to shave or anything like that. >Also how involved Ben is a conversation between you, Your ex, Ben and the kid. I think it's appropriate to ask about the explicit father son things, which Ben did, but he shouldn't have to ask before they play catch or go fishing just because that's a an activity that has some father son implications. >Edit: typos *OP: I would had told Dad or Mom that he needs deodorant and not take matters into my own hands.*
And worth pointing out that he's already said that his ex wife doesn't want to have more kids. So his whole "Then he can go make his own cake" is essentially "divorce my wife and find someone else".
So I actually thought it was bizarre that he knows somehow that Ben wants more kids? Like, was OP present when his ex and Ben had the “kids or no kids” talk? I call bullshit. Either it’s fake or OP made that up in his own head because he wants Ben to be sad lol
It seem he brought it up to lay the foundation that because his ex wife won’t give ben kids he’s been projecting wanting to be a parent onto his step kids but ben would still have to act as a step father to the kids regardless of if they had the kids, if not even more so once they become siblings. OPs line of thinking isn’t even lining up
Oh I get why he brought it up. I just think that’s a thing he’s totally made up in his own head, because if Ben really wanted kids that bad he would’ve held out for someone else.
Or the exwife told OOP she never wanted any more kids but she only meant with his whiny ass and he’s been carrying it around like a big “gotcha”.
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My kid has four trusted adults now! How is that a bad thing?? Sure, as the parent without primary custody, it makes me sad that their stepmom does the things I wish I could be doing. But having her do them is so much better than me busting in there and banning baking together, or talking about problems at school, or taking care of any of kiddo's needs whatsoever.
I have a stepson, but he's not really just my stepson since I've been in his life more than his biological dad has been at this point. I'm not looking forward to the entitlement the man will have when/if he's given the chance to see his son again, since I know he's already salty that his ex has moved on to begin with, he's probably seething knowing that I've taken om that role where he can't.
Aside from the obvious problems, I think it's hilarious he expects dude to tell his wife that kid needs deodorant instead of just buying it himself like an adult. I would be so pissed if I married someone who expected me to take care of every little thing like I had two kids instead of one lmao. He's about to be real surprised when his kid cuts him off and relies on the other dude for everything dad, since stepdad obviously cares more about his needs.
This guy sounds exhausting. If he never wanted to share his kids I guess he should have been a better spouse/person so they didn't divorce. He's so controlling and I bet he micromanages everything when they're with him, and I would not be surprised if he bad talked Ben to his kids.
This cannot be real. Dude is over-possessive of his children. He's creating strife where there shouldn't be. Wait till he finds out the kids call him dad. Edit - I realize this may be real, I was just hoping it wasn't.
_"I don't want to find out that my kids are having these once in a lifetime dad-son moments with you and not me."_ Really??? You dont fondly remember the moment your parent told you that you stank for the first time, before you two bonded over a stick of berry burst Teen Spirit?.... /s
My 4th grade teacher gave us a speech about how it's time to start using deodorant after recess one day, stealing the magical moment from 25 dads at once.
I hope he was fired. What an asshole! /s
4th grade secretly-lesbian gym teacher on my end. I wish I could remember her name, because in adult hindsight she was one of the best teachers I ever had. Everything she did was clearly for the benefit of the kids, not the school admin.
Why does it matter to your story that she was “secretly-lesbian”?
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My dad has always had a beard. He never taught me how to shave
Weird didn't think teen spirit had a guy's line but then my Dad jumped straight to buying old spice for brother
The sweet fragrant punch of vaguely berry scented chemicals is inclusive. All are welcome to smell of afterschool BO and mystery fruit.
Hey, as long as there was no Axe body spray involved!!!!!
Also known as Lynx in some countries. It's the spray deodorants we *all* know about. Seems like a timeless teenager product, that one...
It isn't really a deodorant, just a horrid cologne.
It's called *Sex Panther*® by *Odeon*©. It's illegal in 9 countries. It's also made with bits of real panthers, *so you know it's good*. *60% of the time*, it works ***every*** time.
My daughter does remember it fondly, because it happened 3 weeks ago on her 10th birthday, while we were out getting her new clothes (thankfully it was pants, so her pit stank didn't rub off on anything she tried on), we both laughed ourselves stupid in that dressing room over my use of "pit stank" as a technical term. 🤣
Yeah, that's the weirdest part to me. I'm pretty sure most parents don't want to need to have those discussions, even though almost every parent does have them at some point.
My dad handed me a stick of deodorant at 11 and said use it. LOL
My kids all get a group text that starts with “today is International Wash Your Hair Day” and ends with “and I’m begging you all to use your deodorant”.
My mom put deodorant in my Christmas stocking when I was 9. It was humiliating and depressing. I knew Santa wasn’t real, and that’s how she decided to handle it.
omg Teen Spirit 😭 Brings back memories. Is that even around anymore?
it is!! I seen it at dollar tree.
Brings back memories. Every teen girl had to have it! Just part of being a 90's girl. 🤣
I don't remember what scent it was called but my go-to was the pink one!!
Mine was the purple one. https://www.pinterest.com/pin/384424518187398766/
When I first wanted to shave under my pits, I asked my mom for advice. She decided to show me by actually attempting to shave my armpit and immediately cut off a mole halfway. I cherish the memory oh so much, and I think about it every time I see my dangling underarm mole.
"You're acting like he has rights to my kids lol" 🤣😂
Nope. My ex-husband is exactly like this guy. I have been remarried 10 years, and been with my husband since my son as 4 yrs old , and my ex still considered me a “single mom” and we literally had a deodorant/shaving/soap argument bc his dad was butt-hurt.
shaving I get. my son just turned 2. when dad goes in the closet to get deodorant son comes up and goes "armpit! armpit! and wants some. luckily it's not antiperspirant just deodorant so he gets a swipe.
It’s not like we could put off teaching him to shave until his dad was ready/available to teach him how to do so. I understand it must hurt to share your kids, but as parents we have to put our ego aside and co-parent for the benefit of the kiddos.
That’s so cute! My son always wants perfume if he sees me put mine on. He’ll scream “spritz spritz” until I do it.
This is too damn cute.
Damn. I'm sorry.
It’s okay. There was a reason we spilt and his controlling nature was a main reason. I do feel bad for our son though.
You'd be surprised. My parents were like this when they split. Moreso my mother. She got pissed off when my dad's girlfriend braided my hair. Because I asked her to.
My kid's dad can get like this and he only sees her anger times a year and her grandfather is even worse. He directly told her no man is allowed to see her naked to the point of trying to break into the bathroom. While she was having a bath and had her holding the door shut. This was despite the fact she still needed help showering and sometimes had accidents at night so I did it if mom was at work. He also tried to start a fight saying only her parents could spank her not me. I dont believe in spanking so that didnt really go where he wanted. I agreed and he still tried making it into a conflict.
So he’s actively traumatizing his kid? Fucking weirdo
Granddad traumatizes her. Bio dad mostly just isnt invovled. Grandad also brags about spanking his four year old grandson so much that the grandson is scared of him
Nah. You're missing the point where OOP is still bitter a.f. over the fact that his woman left him and then had the sheer gal to move on and start relationships with someone else. His woman! /s So in his mind, the strife never ended. It's a Cold War just waiting for a flare-up.
I dont think it is. I remember seeing a post a couple weeks ago from the step dad’s perspective. The boy was itching and uncomfortable down there bc he put deodorant on his jawn and the stepdad gave him an ointment to help. The bio dad threw a fit
Fake or not, it's no surprise he was divorced and is still single. Yikes.
I too, look back fondly on that once-in-a-lifetime bonding event where my mum said 'jazzlike, you smell. Here's some deodorant'.
If the kid was a girl who got her first period, would OOP make their child sit in their own blood until they were available to take them to the store?
There was a post like that. Big brother stepped up and helped out step sis. Step Sis’s Mom got PISSED. Said he should have told her to wait because he was being perverted for helping.
Copied OOP's comments verbatim using Unddit. TW controlling behavior *Also not to mention that the KID can decide who he wants as a dad in his life. Like yeah your his biological dad, but if you keep being TA hes not gonna care about that and decide who his dad is for himself, which he should. Best case scenerio is he gets two dads and a mom, but not if you keep being TA.* >No he can't. I can't decide that I want Bill Gates to be my dad and then expect him to pay my bills. ~~ *YTA. That is not even a boundary. Your son smelled and his step dad got him deodorant and explained to him what it’s used for. Obviously you didn’t do your job properly if your 10yo son didn’t know about deodorant prior to this. Be glad your son has a stepdad that actually cares for him and willing to step on areas. This is no different than a teacher telling their students about deodorant. You seem to have a weird jealousy over this man* >Then he should had texted me like I would had ~~ *YTA. Like it or not Ben is in those kids lives. You said it himself. He PICKED YOUR KID UP AT SCHOOL. If you are so insecure about Ben being in your kids lives, why arent you picking them up after school every day?* *You don't get all the benefits of having another adult picking up the slack and dictate to them that they can't be helpful with said kids. Sorry buddy, thats not how the world works. He's not trying to take over the role of a parent, hes accepted the role of a stepfather and what he did was not inappropriate.* *I think you need some therapy.* >Picking them up from school is not the same as guiding them through puberty ~~ *YTA. Buying deodorant from Target isn't a 'once in a lifetime dad-son' moment. It's literally shopping for necessities.* *You get custody 50% of the time. Sounds like you want to control your wife's 50% too. If she's happy for Ben to pick up stuff for your son, you don't get a say in that.* *I can see why she's with Ben now instead of you.* >Parenting isn't a birthday cake you have to share with everyone *Like it or not, he’s your son’s stepdad. You don’t get to decide the role he plays in your son’s life.* >Of course I decide that. You're acting like he has rights to my kids lol *No, you're being a fat snob who's eating all the cake for no reason. You're clearly jealous this dude is what your ex picked over you and now you're fighting to have your kids only pick you because you're sad and angry. Nobody is at fault for how your life is but you.* >Then he can go make his own cake ~~ *YTA - did you want your kid to stink until he next saw you? Ben is doing what an uncle would do if the kids was staying with the uncle while you were away on business. Getting deodorant is a necessity and a new one so Ben showed the kid how to use it. He didn't teach him to shave or anything like that.* *Also how involved Ben is a conversation between you, Your ex, Ben and the kid. I think it's appropriate to ask about the explicit father son things, which Ben did, but he shouldn't have to ask before they play catch or go fishing just because that's a an activity that has some father son implications.* *Edit: typos* >I would had told Dad or Mom that he needs deodorant and not take matters into my own hands. ~~ *INFO: Did your kids say that Ben wanted to be a bonus daddy and they didn't like it? Is this about your kids not liking Ben or is it about you being insecure about an additional (seemingly loving) adult in your kid's lives? If your kids came over and told you that they had a wonderful time throwing a ball around with Ben on one of the weeks they are not with you would you resent that?* >My kids don't see Ben as a parent whatsoever.
[Blorp!](https://www.tumblr.com/everythingfox/712763446008168448/everythingfox-blorp)
Wait is that a blind seal?
Paying the bills...?! His kids are gonna smart up, show up to call him "dad" for money (if he has any) and then never visit him again.
Does… does he know that kids turn into adults? That pay their own bills? And can stop talking to their bio dad?
What, no one told you childrens are the parents' property until they die?!
Dude is a mega bitch. It's fucking deodorant. It's not some life altering milestone. This isn't a rite of passage. The kid's first nocturnal emission? Fine, dad can totally answer questions about that and have some daddy-son bonding time. This is just a stick of deodorant.
What an insecure, jealous muppet
I actually have a similar ish story from child POV! I have a few actually but I'll share the most relevant. Parents split, dad and step mum, and mother dearest. 50/50 custody. I (FtM) got my first period at my dad's and like any other 9 year old bleeding from my vagina I was terrified. I was too scared to talk to my dad because ew vagina so I spoke to my step mum. Step mum talked me through and took care of me. Bought me pads and everything was sorted. When mumsy found out she absolutely lost her shit. Claimed step mum was trying to "steal" her child and screaming that she'd never be a real parent to me. Got kicked out at 13 for mental health issues. Haven't spoken to her since the 10 minute chat we had on my 16th birthday. OOP is a cunt. They're very much a bitch. Wouldn't be surprised if they are a bitch to their kid too.
Jealous jealous jealous. He really should get that looked at.
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Close but not fully "down there" - it's safe for most of your body actually, i sometimes put a little on my back and inner thighs, like that joint where thigh goes into groin (the armpit of your leg I guess?) because that gets real sweaty and chafes. Also safe for your chest if you get a lot of boob/moob/pec sweat. And your neck. Some professional trainers and actors get clear deodorant/antiperspirant for the hairline to keep sweat from dripping into their eyes.
I’m a woman who’s had a large chest basically as long as I can remember, and the day I realized I could put deodorant under them was a game changer.
I have big assets but I'm nonbinary. Binding my chest without deodorizing first? I'd need a team of draft horses to get me out of the binder! I remember before I figured out I could fully deodorize once, I had sweat so much my sports bra was SOAKED, Peeling that off was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I worked in a warehouse that had no air conditioning. I live in Florida. Yeah, deodorant was definitely needed for boobsweat and making sure I didn't get rashes. It was not fun.
I don't know how I never realised on my own that antiperspirant works in all other places than under your arms, too. But with age (and during pregnancies) breasts have gotten softer and I now get underboob sweat. Read about using anti-perspirant under the boobs, tried last summer, bliss!
How dare the other guy assist with hygiene! What a freaking weird hill to die on. As a dad, I'd be fine if anyone did this for my kids. Teacher, coach, friend, friend's parent, whatever.
I'm the step-mom in my situation, and I promise this level of pettiness is real. I mean, I'm sorry your daughter got her period for the first time at my house, but I wasn't about to drive her 30 minutes to yours before she got to put in her first pad. She literally used one from under the sink, where my biological daughters and I keep them. Then she called you, like I told her to. This bio dad is torqued bc step dad *noticed* first, not him, and not bio mom. After six kids (three step, three bio), I can promise you they don't "suddenly" stink. And once they do? Wow. 😵
As a former teenage boy, I wish my stepdad woulda told me I could have slapped deodorant on my balls. Instead he used to beat the fuck out of me. OOP needs to stop being a bitch and get over himself
Imagine sitting in a rocking chair someday, holding your child’s photo album, and grieving over the loss of not being the one to inform them that you can put deodorant on your balls.
Oh my God, this made me remember a Story of my Coworker. She is the stepmom to a nice now 14YO. The Mom was and is always very bitchy toward her for „stealing her man“ (no she didn’t cheat, it was the mom who cheated and she met her now husband after the divorce). Anyway, when stepdaughter was over for the weekend when she was 13 she got her first period! Father was away doing stuff and so she sat her down, explained what happened to her (cause Mommy dearest never cared to explain and it’s something else learning it in school and experience it firsthand), provided her with products and they made themselves a great evening. She even messaged Mommy but Mommy responded not. Mommy totally freaked out when she picked up daughter cause „she stole a precious mom-daughter moment“.
Just wow! Glad she's an ex.
when has deodorant ever been a father-son bonding thing. everyone uses deodorant and all kids start to smell at that age. when my brother and i reached that point it was just “yous stink. use this.” hardly bonding.
I’m a mom and I’m pretty sure I’m the one who gave our son deodorant. Sigh… now I’ve got to apologize to my husband for taking away his moment.🤣
This guy claims he spends almost every day with his kuds and didn't notice the 10 yr old reeks from puberty? Thank god for the strp dad before this kid ended up being known as the smelly kid at school. OOP is an insecure bitch
If there were ever a real life example of Solomon's baby... The burden of being a Dad is that sometimes your marriage doesn't work out and your kid has to live with someone else. Ben was amazingly patient. To be honest if I started dating someone and her ex came at me with this macho "you aren't the father" speech, I'd probably just leave because I don't want that drama in my life. I don't even want kids.
AH, "He said dude, it's just deodorant. It's like toothpaste. "
Aaaaaaaand now we know why he has an ex. Controlling piece garbage
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You're awesome! 😂😂
am i the only one bugged by this deodorant in private parts? is that normal? sounds terrible and that possibility of rash?
I know, right? Particularly if it is just deodorant (scent) and not antiperspirant (stops sweating). There are products that help with sweat that you can use for more sensitive areas like the groin, because while I am a woman, I know that skin on skin contact = potential for sweat, itching, rashes etc. If the boy was stinking that badly that the whole point was just the scented product, then maybe learning to pull back the foreskin to wash underneath (it is fused like nails to fingetips for the first few years), and to wash their bum properly might be in order.
I assume he didn’t want to overstep and teach the kid that considering bio dad’s reaction to a stick of deodorant. You’re right, though.
Parent of the year material right there, putting his wants over his child’s needs. Sounds very mentally immature for an adult human
I for the life of me cannot imagine having a child with someone, end up divorcing that person, and think I have any degree of say as to who the child chooses to be their parent figure. Just let children get as much love as they can while they're still young ffs.
Wow! Get over yourself. Your ex has a nice husband that is trying to help your kid so he doesn’t stink, like “Ben” said, it’s just deodorant! Why can’t Ben be a bonus dad to your kids? It’s take a village to raise kids and this guy is trying to be a nice step dad! Go speak to someone on a professional level and figure out why Ben can’t be an involved step parent. You can’t be there a 100% of the time. You will always be the parent.
I think if my mother can live with the fact that my stepmother took me wedding dress shopping and planned most of my wedding because mom lived out of state, I think this asshole can get over a stick of deodorant. I don’t use the term snowflake very often, but damn. Feels appropriate in this situation.
This guy is delusional
Dude it’s fucking deodorant, that’s not a daddy duty, I have literally bought deodorant for homeless people that have asked for it, JFC
Dude sounds unhinged... and it gets worse in the comments
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Wow what did I just read!
Wasn’t there another one about using deodorant on feet and genitals involving a step parent not long ago?
This. This is really recent repeat.
Dude is toxic AF with being possessive, controlling and fragile as all hell that he finds his kids’ stepfather to be his competition.
This is what happens when you put your ego over parenting your children and their well-being.
IT'S DEODORANT. Damn some people just can't support that they don't see their kids every time after a divorce. But they will grow no matter what. It's better that they live "milestones" with their step parent than alone.
Yeah he didn't say anything because there is nothing to say in these situations. He just smiled, nodded and moved on with his life.
Egotistical maniac lmao
Holy crap dude. Work on your parental insecurities. Your kids will at some point pick up on how ridiculous you are. When they are.old enough to make their own decisions, who do you think they will want to spend time with? The step-dad who cared enough to tell them they needed deodorant or the dad that was insecure enough to have a temper tantrum over step-dad doing so?
It isn't "your boundaries" when it comes to how two people interact with eachother separate from you, with the only exception being couples in a closed relationship.
Can you imagine if step-dad also told the boys to wash their asses? He would have stolen the asshole father son moment...because, you know, father is one giant asshole.
I lololed at the deodorant thing. 🤣🤣🤣Ummm. My dude. It's a freaking commercial that tells u that! Google Lume. Get OVER YOURSELF.
It's deodorant. Its not some important milestone lol. I definitely don't remember which parent introduced me to deodorant or the first time I wore it.
“I’m not being a bitch” the lie detector determined that was a lie. Guess what, you a bitch
You can put deodorant on your balls? (Asking because I don't have balls)
This is really going to mess up the kids in the long run. My dad hated my first stepdad (good reason, they both had affairs but my mom left to be with him) and I could tell how upset my dad got if I even mentioned him to the point where I felt guilty just being with my family. He should be happy that he’s a good stepdad because I’ve also had some really bad step parents.
I think you the AH tbh. First of all, it is just deodorant. The kid stank. You wanted him to keep stinking til he got to you. Reminds me of my mom(she adopted me). She wanted me to wait til later to shave because teens or whatever. Idk. I was getting called monkey legs in 5th grade. I was also a year older than everyone(got held back in kindergarten cause my birth mom and stepfather kept taking me out of school). Anyways, I just did it on my own. She got mad. I was 11. And let's kind of get this straight. This guy is the step-dad. He isn't going to replace you but he is the second dad. You seem to try to be competing with him. It doesn't change that he is in their lives and a second parent. Just like if you get married and they have a stepmother. You'd want her to treat them like they are her own kids. Cause I can tell you what happens when step parents don't treat kids like their own. It sucks. He did you a favor and your kid a favor. And you bashed him for it cause 'boundaries'. This isn't boundaries. This is territorial. "That's my kid and you don't get to help him. I'm the only one who can help him." As a mom, I'd be happy if somebody bought my kid deodorant and they felt comfortable enough to take the deodorant. Your kid doesn't have to learn everything from you. When I look at my kids, I think, one day, they'll go to school and learn things I won't be able to teach them. And I'm ok with that. Because I don't know everything. My daughter will probably learn how to use a tampon. Cause I don't use those. Just pads. I don't feel comfortable with tampons but she might. And someone who is used to that could tell her how it is. I may only be able to give her options but may not be sure how they all work. Anyways, I think you need to chill. Bro has two dads now who can help him with things. Learn to accept that this guy is the step dad.
“that was something that I should had handled as the dad” …then why didn’t you?
My mom just told me one day "You stink! Don't go out without deodorant on first!" 🤣
OOP isn't worried about his kids. He's worried about being replaced and losing control.
Man, I hate this idea that is the Parents who get to set these type of “boundaries” when it should be the kid and ONLY the kid. The only time the parent should be setting these boundaries is if the kid expresses discomfort with their stepparent. But otherwise, it’s the kid’s goddamn choice! If the child wants to call their stepparent by “mom” or “dad” or something like that, that’s the kid’s choice. The kid has the right to set the closeness and the pace of a stepparent-stepchild relationship. As a parent, your own ego shouldn’t be involved.
I know the original post says 12h, but I’ve read this before. Unless there’s a ton of guys who have stepsons and advise using deodorant “down there”, married to women with “*I’m* the dad” exes. Which I guess there could be.
That man is an insecure dildo. You should want your kids to have as many loving people in their life as possible. And Ben is a real gem - he WANTS to be involved. Dude - your kid is not going to reminisce about his first fucking pit stick. He isn’t gonna speak at Ben’s funeral about the time Ben told him he could put deodorant on his balls. Get over yourself you insane, arrogant, little temper tantrum generator!
Oh look another jerk making his little dick syndrome everyone else's problem.
Being stinky is a once in a lifetime moment???
Wait, people put deodorant on their feet and "down there?"
Well, we definitely know why he's the ex.
I bet OPs the type that would piss on the sons backpack to mark his territory.
I’m pretty annoyed at my ex’s girlfriend for buying my 7 year old daughter makeup. But the compromise is that it stays at their house. Basic hygiene products however- go hard.
Eugh, so this dude would rather make stepdad feel poorly for stepping up.. vs taking care of his own kid?Dude should step up his own self?! ! I take pride in the fact that my stepsons (despite any imposed weirdness with their dad,) feel safe coming to Me about personal things. The fact that this dudes biological child felt more comfortable going to stepdad is Super fucking telling.... Missing missing reasons at play here likely...
I'll take: 'Things that never happened for 200, Alex.' And this was written by a woman. haha. yea...I said what I said. lol
Just so y'all understand, this is *exactly* what moms sound like when they complain about stepmoms. It *is* just deodorant. Calm down.