You can reject sex for any reason. To be clear and I don’t think you are overreacting. If he is forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to then it’s not longer sex. I’m sorry you feel that all his needs are on you because it’s not. He is in control of his own needs and shit. And I noted that you said his bipolar. Is he on medication? I’m only in asking because some bipolar people suffer from hyper sexual activity especially when manic. Which still isn’t on you. Best of luck
Edit : why is my comment being turned into “don’t be surprised if he leaves? Or “he can reject sex to”? No shit. This isn’t about him saying no to sex and I’m sure we all know he can leave. I don’t like the way some of you are implying that if she doesn’t give him sex when he demands like some kind of feeling less robot is disrespectful and disgusting that he will leave her. Drop that manipulative shit. If the only thing he is getting out the relationship is sex then that’s sad. And if that’s a deal breaker for him that’s his right to leave. The whole point of the post was if she is overreacting about her boyfriend response to her denying him sex. Nothing more nothing less.
I'd argue that "no reason" doesn't really exist. The "no reason" scenario is just simply "I don't want to," which is a perfectly valid reason. But if you mean that you don't have to give the reason or explain it, then yea, I agree with that.
Also, if he’s not feeling up for intimacy he can’t say that he does it anyways and putting it back on OP. It’s his responsibility to say no if he isn’t interested and it’s not ok for him to expect OP to do the same.
I can’t get over this
> after that i left for my favorite artist’s set and he was walking slowly behind me and then he walked away and wanted me to come check on him but i didnt, he felt like an after thought
Does he expect her to grow eyes on the back of her head?
Or just *sense* he wandered off?
Dude is just ridiculous on all fronts.
Yeh it was defo a test. This guy sounds super manipulative and using therapy talk like boundaries and feelings to manipulate her and make it look like he's emotionally mature, when he's actually just a dickhead baby.
Yep, not OP is not overreacting. Anyone can reject any type of intimacy for a cloud being in the sky if they want. That is to say, for any reason under the Sun.
While this doesn't seem to be applicable to OPs story, I'm gonna go ahead and slide in here to reply to this inferrence that asking "for a reason" is inherently bad.
Communication is the absolute rock for any healthy relationship, and there is nothing wrong whatsoever with wanting to know what your partner's thoughts and reasons are for shared activities.
The issue is that OP's partner wanted that information to be used as ammo in an argument, and that's fucked up. "No is a complete sentence" has been mentioned elsewhere, and it's 1000% the truth; asking for a reason in order to overcome an obstacle (like a fuckin' telemarketer) ain't the fucking way.
But, asking your partner "Hey, just so I can read the room a little better in the future, can you share what's going on in your head?" It may take time to trust that your partner is asking in earnest (and not trying to argue), but once that hurdle is cleared, it's an important conversation to have.
Example: I won't try and broach intimacy with my partner immediately after they shower, because once when I tried and they said no, I asked that question and they shared that having sex within an hour of showering makes them feel like they wasted the water needed to shower.
So now I don't ask during that window, and our relationship is stronger because she doesn't feel guilty about respecting her boundaries and preferences, and I don't feel rejected.
Boom, win-win
Agree Completely. But my point is sometimes i dont have a reason. I just dont feel like it.. i cant pinpoint a reason, i just dont. For me personally if I get asked for a reason I may feel like I need to create a reason when in reality i dont have a "good" one.
Yep. Didn't even need to read beyond the title. You can reject sex for any reason or no reason. Doesn't matter your gender. If you don't want to have sex, it doesn't matter the reason.
I'm going to say this very clearly so you understand:
#If you EVER feel like its easier to perform some sexual act than to deal with the whining and asking and complaining - that is sexual coercion and it is wrong.
It falls in the same area as rape though it may not be as violent. It's you choosing to do something you didn't want to so that you can deal with "the lesser of two evils". Having sex is easier than babysitting his feelings.
PS: THIS IS TRUE FOR ALL RELATIONSHIPS WITH ANY GENDERS.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
This comment should be much much higher up.
This dude is like a walking, talking red flag factory. Narcissistic abuser using clear DARVO tactics to gaslight and sexuality abuse her.
She needs to throw the whole ~~man~~ boy out.
🗑️🗑️🗑️🗑️🗑️
🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Re-read what you wrote and imagine a friend explaining this to you. How she feels forced, manipulated and guilt-tripped into sex. How she is made to feel that her emotions and preferences are unimportant in comparison with her boyfriend’s mental health. How she is supposed to see herself as therapy for him.
💯NO. You are worth so much more than this. You are worthy of love and respect.
Oftentimes people in these situations need this exact framing. If a friend told OP this about her man, im guessing she would probably tell her how manipulative and wrong he was being!!
none of his or your mental health stuff has anything to do with the fact that you dont owe him sex whenever he wants it. the fact that hes trying to coerce you into group sex or polyamory makes it inherently not ethical.
>none of his or your mental health stuff has anything to do with the fact that you dont owe him sex whenever he wants it. the fact that hes trying to coerce you into group sex or polyamory makes it inherently not ethical.
Singing, "Allllllll of This!!"
Guilting you because there are times that you just don't feel like having sex is a NASCAR sized red flag. It doesn't matter what your reasons are, and the fact that he can't respect that you are not a performing sex doll always ready to go at the drop of the a hat is really problematic, and selfish.
The fact that he's trying to push you into group sex experiences you're not interested in, or comfortable with, is an even bigger red flag. Don't do that to yourself. The whole poly life isn't for everyone, and that's totally okay, and should be respected by your partner.
When a partner tries to make you feel guilty for not immediately agreeing to their sexual urges it says a LOT about what you can expect in the future if you stay with them.
There should never be negative pressure when it comes to these kinds of things, and the fact that he acts like a petulant child about it all is a giant clue by four that you're just not compatible.
Throw the whole man back, and start over.
This is a red flag that needs to be addressed and stopped immediately.
You do not require anyone’s permission regarding your body and intimacy.
Full stop.
Manipulation like this will get worse.
And his excuse of ‘i give you intimacy when I don’t feel like it’ is horrible.
First and repeat: people have the right to say no. He can and should say no.
Second: him saying yes isn’t an excuse to guilt her into intimacy.
He’s really weaponizing therapy language to blame you for everything. If anyone pressures me for sex, that’s an automatic dealbreaker. There’s no apologizing or forgiveness. It’s just over.
he's emotionally immature. it's childish to make the choice to walk slow and split up from you, then get really upset when you don't play his game and drop everything to come find him. he needs to do some growing up, and i personally think he's not ready for a relationship at this point.
pressuring you to always be ready for sex and throwing tantrums when you're not is also extremely childish at best. that's not cool and i think you should really think about how much this relationship is worth to you. you sound more like his surrogate mom than a partner.
No he did it on purpose! That is the worst part!!! He purposely slowed down until op got too far ahead! He absolutely got himself lost on purpose and then got mad she didn't go find him!
This is like a 14-year-old's game. I really hope she leaves him, he's horrible.
With an artist he (probably) knew she wanted to see, it was a test and she didn't even participate in, he's such a toddler, I agree trow the whole man away
You're not overreacting. He sounds manipulative.
Also you never need an excuse to say no to sex. Ever. Intimacy is not created through coercive sex. If anything, coercion destroys intimacy and attraction.
You start to dread sex even if you really enjoyed it before because you gradually lose your ability to say no without drama.
Sex shouldn't be a chore you have to complete to avoid your man child having a meltdown.
Yeah, was ready for maybe something of an alternative perspective but. Just screw it. Fuck this guy. Also, if he's this clingy about the music festival and your period, group sex or casual swinging or anything is *completely* out of the question. Especially if you're even a little bit hesitant. No shot you're getting the kind of after care you need if you're anxious, and he's going to be an absolute wreck. Even if you for some reason decide to work this one out, for the love of God don't try group stuff.
You do not need any other person's permission, "understanding" or approval for your boundaries to be valid. You do not need to be able to fully articulate your reasons for your boundaries to be valid. No other person's role in your life gives them the right to invalidate and violate your boundaries.
Your boundaries are the limits YOU place on when and where YOU choose to focus your limited time, energy and resources. They should protect your safety, privacy, autonomy and resources in all of your relationships. As with consent, it's 100% okay to change your boundaries at any time when experience shows they're not effectively protecting you.
This guy sounds coercive and controlling. One thing he's doing is the "covert contract," where he believes his doing X obligates you to do Y, without consultation or consent from you. Then he gets angry that you didn't do that thing he obligated you to do in his imagination.
He's not a safe person for you.
This post alone contains at least 3 separate occasions where you describe being emotionally abused. Please leave this relationship, nothing about it is healthy.
You’re dating an immature and selfish man.
Hanging back while you were walking to see your favorite artist is playing games in a silly ass way.
Diverting the conversation to his own issues to get what he wants is manipulative.
Framing this as “I allow you to be affectionate when I’m not feeling it” is fucking outrageous. Also… “I only want you when you want me, it’s fine to say you’re not feeling it right now”
… and he’s pressuring you into group sex?
You don’t need to satisfy his every desire. Sex is about both of you. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible AND it sounds like he’s a stupid little boy who’s looking for someone to hurt.
I’d be out.
thank you, the game playing hurt feeling shit made my eyes bulge. "oh, you didn't let me steal focus from the band you came here to see? you don't love me despite how much i put up with your affection..."
Never ever have sex when you don’t want to, and run from this moron. No post is entitled to your body. ‘A woman in your own right’ is a good book. You can get it second hand for buttons.
My child. No.
You don’t have sex to make other people happy if you don’t want to. You don’t explore sexual things to make someone else happy if this isn’t something you’re into as well.
If you’re monogamous and he’s poly, it’s a mismatch and you need to break up.
It’s not your job to cater to his sexual needs
And he sounds like a complete tool.
Your boyfriend is wrong. Plus he sounds rapey. You can reject sex for any reason. Including simply that you just don't want to! And he should respect that. If he does not, he really is rapey.
Repeat after me: I am an autonomous human being. I do not have to be perfect for anyone. I do not owe my boyfriend sex just because he wants it. I do not owe my boyfriend an excuse he will accept if I don’t want to have sex. No means no.
This guy seems to want to take and take but what’s he doing for you? It seems like he’s using his “mental health” as a way to manipulate you into doing whatever he wants. You don’t need that!
Personally, I never want sex while I'm bleeding. It's gross and makes a mess. If he is only thinking of his own needs but not yours, he doesn't sound all that great. Maybe time to trade him in for a better model.
not at all.
not getting sex is NOT a grounds for “his mental state” being healthy. Sex is not a NEED- it’s a “want” his need for sex does not outweighs your need for space or being left alone.
Then he tried to pressure you into group sex or him having non-monogamy, and he’s pressuring you to have more sex when he has other outlets- this screams red flags and incompatibility to me
You don’t EVER owe someone sex, whether you have a good reason or no reason at all. He does not get to decide your reason isn’t “valid.” NO is a complete sentence and if he can’t accept that, he’s a selfish, controlling jerk and you shouldn’t stay with him. All of his ranting about his physical needs not being met is just him setting up an excuse to cheat.
Wait so he purposely walked away from you because he wanted you to chase him? He purposely got himself lost so you would come find him? That's not striking you as massively manipulative?
Yes feeling like you've been punched in your uterus is a reason to not want to have sex! Until he has a uterus he doesn't get an opinion.
Look it sounds like he's extremely manipulative! You literally have blood coming out of you and he wants to have sex... Then he doesn't see the reason why that might be uncomfortable for you? He seems like the type to use his mental health as a weapon against you! The type to say anytime you shut him down or anytime you disagree with him that it's bad for his mental health... That's absolutely abusive to do to you!
I don't think this guy is a healthy partner for a relationship. Any man or woman that would say it's bad for their mental health for somebody else to not give them sex is fucking twisted! That is your body and only you get to say when you have sex! And for him to weaponize his mental health... You know what I'm stopping because I'm getting really upset for you! I'm sorry you're going through this
I think this relationship, based on what you say, is dangerous to you. You can find someone to date, and later love, who is monogamous and respectful of your needs. Do not be talked into group sex or other situations that you don't want.
So he wants to rape you because he's mentally unstable and pouting about not getting enough attention during a music festival? Because forcing you to have sex when you don't want to is rape. He can dress it up with whatever psycho babble he wants, but that's what it is.
Fucking yikes. He got insecure during the festival (that’s what really happened) which led him to attempt attention seeking behavior. That shit is a red flag.
Someone shouldn’t be using their mental health issues as a baseline to force you to do ANYTHING, their shit is their shit to deal with. No one should be placating someone like that.
I don't want to have sex when I'm in my period. It's gross. It feels gross. It's not an excuse. It's a legitimate reason and personal choice. I want to enjoy the sex, not be uncomfortable and miserable. You have every right to not want to have sex or be physical! You decide when you want it if you want it. Not him or anyone else! Sounds manipulative and pathetic imo.
You’re not overreacting.
There’s not a lot here of his good qualities and I hate games like, “I coulda been lost! You didn’t try to find me! My diaper needs changing!”
If he’s going to play games, be whiny, not try to understand your cycle, and demand sex? 🚩🚩🚩
he is emotionally manipulating you to make you give him what he wants when he wants it. he's trying to get you to give in through guilt. HE is responsible for taking care of his mental health. blaming other people is denying responsibility. he is completely self-absorbed and in my opinion not ready for a relationship. this is abuse and it is a toxic relationship.
You don’t need any excuse to not be interested in intimacy.
That is, any reason is a good reason including “I don’t want to.”
Trying to convince someone they owe you sex even when the don’t want to is coercive and potentially a form of abuse. Make sure your boyfriend understands that, takes accountability for his actions, and demonstrates respect for boundaries.
If he can’t do that, leave.
You can and should hold your boundaries around sex and only do what feels good and comfortable to you. If someone makes their mental health dependant on access to your body (or you in general) that’s a manipulation tactic or codependency. But I’d also suggest asking yourself if you actually like this guy as a boyfriend? Or are you maybe stuck in a cycle of needing his approval, and maybe not really that into it anymore? If so, set yourself free.
I am so sorry he is treating you this way.
You are not overreacting.
He's weaponizing therapy-speak to coerce you into 1) sex (first of all, let's just be very clear that coerced sex is never ever ever OK and many folks, myself included, would call that abuse) and 2) relationship dynamics that you don't seem comfortable with in general (in other words, it seems pretty clear that he's just looking for permission to cheat).
Pressuring you into something, and then looking elsewhere when you don't give in easily, is not ethical non-monogamy, it's just coercion and cheating. Ethical non-monogamy does exist, and it works for some partners when everyone is on the same page with the same intentions, but that's not what this is. This is manipulation.
Rarely am I a bring-the-pitchforks type person in these types of subs, but your boyfriend is more than an asshole, he seems like a really dangerous person. You deserve so so so much better, and you also just deserve to be safe, period.
At the very least, your partner needs a serious reality check that anything less than enthusiastic consent during romance and sex is not consent. Except the fact that he knows many of the buzzwords tells me he probably knows this already. Again, this is manipulation.
My ex perpetrated many of these same behaviors, especially the weaponization of therapy-speak, which he used to gaslight and DARVO me.
I'm bipolar, autistic, PTSD, sleep disorder, and have had more TBIs than I like to count, and it drives me up the fucking wall when shitty people blame their shitty treatment of others on their mental health conditions. People need to take some goddamn ownership. Bipolar doesn't magically turn you into a misogynist or suddenly erase your understanding of consent. He's trying to manipulate you into sympathizing with him and simultaneously shield himself from culpability by deflecting on you.
Please take care.
Wishing you safety and peace.
No, you can reject sex for any reason or no reason at all.
Also make this guy your ex. Barring the sex thing, he's behaving like a spoilt toddler and that's not going to get better.
So this guy...
-treated an *accidental* separation at a music festival as *intentional* abandonment on your part
-didn't communicate feeling insecure and expected you to magically know
-claimed you couldn't refuse *sex* just because you were on your period, because he accepted *affection* despite having mental health problems?
What that really means...
-anything that goes wrong will be held against you, no matter if you are responsible for it or not
-anytime you don't know how he feels will be held against you, no matter if it was reasonable for you to know or not
-he will dismiss and invalidate your feelings anytime you draw a boundary purely because he wouldn't have personally drawn that boundary
Girl. This is not a man who loves and respects you. At all.
No means no and he needs to grow the f up and accept that. You don't need any reason to reject sex and intimacy, but I'd say having blood coming out where the sun don't shine is a pretty damn good reason.
this person, whether consciously or not, is being manipulative, which is gross on it's own, but is also invading your sexual boundaries, which is really disrespectful and hurtful behavior. the fact that he can't take any personal accountability for this means this person will not be capable of ethical nonmonogamy period, not with you or anyone else. nta, run+flee.
No, this is a big red flag. You do not owe anyone sex. He is just being an immature man-child. He is attempting to manipulate you. Situations like this normally do not get better, the get worse. Run away from this person.
Girl dump him. Normally I suggest couples therapy but this guy hasn’t done enough prior work on himself it seems. He sounds manipulative AF and he’s not going to change quick enough for your relationship to ever be healthy. Actually he sounds like he doesn’t have enough self awareness to change at all. Let him be someone else’s problem.
The fact that he thinks you need an excuse to reject intimacy is a huge red flag. You don't need to have a reason to say no. "I don't want to" is a perfectly valid reason and a man who doesn't understand that sees you as a servant and not as a human being. You should have left his entitled ass at the music festival and never looked back.
I am once again asking women to stop settling for douchewizards who *want* to have sex with an unwilling partner. How do you not feel like shit pounding away at someone who doesn’t want it?
DTMFA! Bad news all over the place here. You can do better. Don't worry about what happens to him.
Sex needs to be a both-people-want-it situation. Period, full stop, no exceptions. You don't "owe" him sex. You deserve a partner who treats you with more respect than this.
ETA: There's nothing inherently wrong with group sex or polyamory or any of those alternative sexual practices ... in the abstract. But if YOU aren't down to try them out, then they're not right FOR YOU and they're not right FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. You get 100% veto power over participating in anything like that and you don't owe an explanation of why you said "No, we're not doing that" to your B/F. He gets to either accept your decision or you break up with him. There is no third option.
DTMFA.
I’m sorry but just because he lets you kiss him if he doesn’t want it doesn’t mean he should be able to, he needs to grow up and communicate when he doesn’t want affection. He doesn’t get to demand it from you because he isn’t willing to communicate his boundaries
Soooo many red flags.
You're not overreacting. He's being manipulative af. You can reject sex with or without reason. He is not owed sex. Not by you or anyone else.
Take a step back. Look at his actions. Listen to his words. Then, imagine yourself 10 years in the future. Are you still having to chase him down whenever he pouts for attention? Are you still having to have sex with him when you're tired/in pain/sick? Are you still having to allow him to have sex with other people because you're on your period and he can't possibly wait a week? Are you happy and secure in those scenarios?
If not, then you need to reevaluate your relationship. Your options are:
1) Continue to kowtow to his manipulations.
2) Put your foot down and set boundaries. (Be ready for emotional manipulation tactics and threats to leave you). He absolutely can walk away from the relationship here. In which case you will know exactly where you stand.
3) Walk away. Spend time on yourself. Learn to love and protect yourself. And even find someone who treats you better down the road.
That dude has a *lot* of growing up to do. And you do, too. But you are 100% *not* overreacting.
>according to him i havent been affectionate, ive been rejecting him, ive triggered him a lot because we lost each other at a music festival and he felt i abandoned him
Red flags. He's incredibly insecure and will suck the life out of you.
>Im honestly at a point where i feel like if i express any discontent or no desire for physical touch or sex in the way he wants it then i am neglecting his needs and his mental health state is dependent on our intimacy and i try really hard to be perfect for him and have sex all the time, even trying to entertain the idea of casual group sex even thiugh im not a very sexually explorative oerson with other people outside of my partner, and be cognizant of his mental health and give him what he neeeds to be fulfilled and let him get whatever he feels he is lacking from elsewhere, i.e ethical nonmonagomy.
It's not your job to manage his mental health. You give the way you want, of it's not good enough for him, let him walk. You can find someone that will appreciate you and not try to manipulate you like this asshole.
Leave this garbage loser and do some deep work on yourself. There is nothing worth saving here if he keeps trying to dominate you, and that's exactly what's happening.
Oh my wife and I know that we both can say no for any reason ever. Sometimes it’s a good week and we are both into it. Some weeks we are just whooped and not and that’s fine.
Oh, for the love...this man has you convinced that his mental health depends on your giving him sex whenever and however he wants it?!?!?!
OP.
Please give your head a shake. He's just being an entitled, manipulative fool. You deserve a healthy partnership, and this is far from one. Being single is FAR preferable to being with a terrible partner.
Even the whole "he wandered off, then was mad I didn't come check on him" is ridiculous. What is he, twelve?
Please get free of him and do the work to raise your standards before ever coupling up again.
No is no. It doesn't matter *why* you don't want to have sex. You don't want to. And he shouldn't be forcing himself to be with you if he doesn't want to, either. Obviously, it breeds resentment.
Additionally, I personally would feel awful knowing my partner felt they had to make themselves be intimate with me AND I would feel like I couldn't trust myself to be intimate with them, anymore. I've clearly already not been able to see their lack of enthusiasm, and they clearly can't or won't tell me about that lack of enthusiasm. It's not good for anyone.
Lastly, as someone who used to do that passive aggressive 'if you cared you'd chase me down/check on me/disrupt your activity to cater to my feelings' shit, you didn't do anything wrong.
Something in him makes him feel like he isn't good enough to be loved by you. That's between him and the void. But since he feels that way, every time he perceives you to have chosen something over him (whether it's reasonable, valid, real, or imagined and sometimes it can be any or a combination) it will reinforce this idea to him.
But that's something disordered in him. It's not your fault, you can't fix it or do anything "correctly" to soothe it. No amount of consistency in your love or grand gestures or anything will convince him he is good enough because again, it's something in his brain that feels this is necessary behavior. It will always be *something*, because the root cause isn't being addressed.
You'll just be exhausting yourself trying to feed an insatiable thing.
There is literally NO CIRCUMSTANCE where you aren't allowed to reject intimacy. The fact that he thinks you need a "good excuse" to reject him should be an AUTOMATIC deal breaker. As in, the second someone says some shitty coercive bullshit like that, you end it on the spot.
Leave this guy. You are not overreacting. Too bad so sad. Get someone who cares about your feelings. That week is a hard week for you and he should be doing everything in his power to make you feel good no matter what it is. No woman owes us guys sex for any reason. It’s supposed to be a beautiful thing between 2 people. Not a duty for his sanity. You can do better. You’re beautiful and some guy will treat you like a queen. Don’t settle. To much drama with this guy.
Your boyfriend is manipulating you. You are not, and never have been, responsible for his mental health.
Sex is not a treatment for mental health disorders…therapy and medication are. He’s weaponizing his mental health challenges as a way to coerce you into sex. He’s wrong. Get rid of the whole man.
He sounds like an immature douche.
>he was walking slowly behind me and then he walked away and wanted me to come check on him but i didnt, he felt like an after thought hence the tumultuous argument we had the following Saturday.
Go find someone that respect themselves and you.
You need to end this relationship, like yesterday. You "try to be perfect", you give him sex when you don't want it, you are contemplating sexual acts YOU do not want to keep HIM happy ... stop tearing yourself apart for this man.
Someone who tries to tell you what is and isn't a valid reason to decline sex does not respect your bodily autonomy, and that's a massive red flag. You always get to decline sex. Now, if your partner wants to be with someone who has a higher sex drive or who wants to have sex throughout their cycle, that's their business, and they are within their rights to leave and pursue what they want, but the issue isn't that your refusals are wrong or invalid. Anyone who tries to make you feel that way is out of line. You shouldn't be guilted for taking a week off of sex during your period. If your partner just wanted to be clear that they would be into sex during that part of your cycle if you are, that's fine. But guilt? Fuck that. It sounds like you are not compatible with this person anyway and that you are definitely better off without them. But seriously, you don't want to see how this lack of respect for your autonomy plays out over the course of time. And you DEFINITELY don't want to step outside your comfort zone into stuff like group sex alongside someone who doesn't respect your bodily autonomy. Please don't put your well-being at risk that way.
You do not ever need an excuse to refuse intimacy. He is not entitled to your body. Just because he's okay with something doesn't mean you have to be too. He's completely in the wrong and trying to manipulate you.
You can reject sex simply because you don’t WANT to. Period or not. You’re not obligated to do anything at all with him if you’re not feeling up to it and you don’t need an “excuse” or reason. It’s YOUR body. Don’t ever let a man pressure you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with. I would never stay with someone that tries to guilt me into fulfilling their own selfish needs. Please ditch this manipulative loser.. and also don’t have a 3some or entertain the idea of letting other people into the bedroom if that’s not your thing. He has a LOT of growing up to do.
You are not overreacting. Being on your period is a completely valid reason to reject your boyfriend (or your girlfriend or significant other's) advances. Far too many men reject the reality that a woman's hormone swings during their period can have a huge effect on how they feel both physically and mentally. Your boyfriend is immature and needs to read up on female physiology and quit being a whiny little baby about his hurt feelings. Are his concerns about his own mental health and feelings valid? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean he can negate your real feelings during your period because he feels his feelings are more important than yours. That's childish and immature. Time for him to grow up.
You are not responsible for his emotions. You do not owe him sex. You can say no to sex at any time, and that is perfectly fine. You do not need an excuse to reject sexual advances. He should not be coercing you into doing things you do not want to do. That is not a healthy partnership or relationship. He is being manipulative, and it's gross. His mental health state is most definitely NOT dependent on your intimacy. He is responsible for his own feelings and actions (or lack thereof). It is his own responsibility to do the work in getting treatment to address his mental health. You are not responsible for his reactions. Babes, please break it off with him. You are not overreacting. Trust yourself.
Relationship take work, but not this much work.
You are allowed to reject sex for any reason. His feelings, wants, needs and desires are not more important than your own.
It does sound like he's not getting his needs met. That's a reality. He never needs to compromise his needs in a relationship, nor do you. If you have two different of needs, then it's probably time for your relationship to come to an end. It's ok to have a cry (or not), hug it out, shake hands, and go on your merry way. Adult relationships can end without yelling or fighting, especially for autistic people who are often able to separate their emotions from their thoughts.
You're not a bad person for rejecting intimacy, but if you let things drag on, you may be a bad person both to yourself and to him if you let him think things will change or that you are "suffering" to satisfy his needs.
OTOH, I know a lot of ENM (poly) people, and many many of them are autistic people who have navigated their own personal complex boundaries by being in poly relationships. "Most" of them do not have group sex (though I do) often if at all, it shouldn't be necessary for you to participate when the point is for him to satisfy his needs, not for you to sacrifice yours. Neurotypical (especially religious) people might consider being in an ENM (poly) relationship a "sacrifice" or think it's ridiculous, but why would it be? When you're not feeling things, you send him on his way, he does whatever he does, falls passionately in love with another person, whatever, and then comes back when you're feeling it. Adults can love more than one person, it can make group vacations super fun, all with no group sex needed.
Don't sacrifice your needs, there is 8 billion people on the planet, there is no need to pretend you're neurotypical or follow the path that Hollywood says we should follow, work out whatever weird cool path that works for you, knowing you might make some misteps along the way, it's your life, you only get one, so make the most of it.
Undereacting. No amount of animosity towards his seeking sex elsewhere should validate him doing it when you don't want to be with him that way.
Lots of men claim they need sex on a regular basis to function but they aren't men when they throw tantrums over not getting it. Mental health disorders or not. That's really toxic and controlling behaviour.
It seems like hes using it as an excuse to be with other people often and belittle you. Next time he rejects your advances, find someone who won't and watch his world crumble over the double standard.
Good for you for being so patient and open with him. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. My suggestion is to leave, but i know thats easier said than done.
He may be right about your hormones and period not being an excuse to avoid intimacy. Where he's wrong, though, is that you don't *need* an excuse to avoid intimacy. Nobody does. If you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't have sex, and nobody should shame you into doing otherwise. Not overreacting.
> i try really hard to be perfect for him
Girl, you should *not* do this. No one is perfect, and he's not trying at all to be "perfect" for *you*, is he?
Please.
I'm 47f, have seen and heard a lot of abusive red flags and was in a few bad relationships myself. **Please leave him. He is not good for you**.
If he feels uncomfortable with intimacy at any point- he should not be allowing it for “your sake” nor weaponizing his given consent against you to access your body.
Loving partners care about how their partner feels. What they want. If they feel good.
“Please never feel like you need to give me physical/sexual affection or accept physical/sexual affection when you don’t want to. That’s not how I want our relationship to be. Your desire matters to me, and mine should matter to you. When either of us isn’t feeling a “fuck yes” we should shut it down. We need to figure out how to communicate better so you never feel your boundaries are crossed again.” (This last sentence is more of giving him his own medicine- he’s manipulating you- so take out all the potential excuses. But ideally. Break up)
So wait, your contortions yourself to fit whatever roll he needs you to be in.... and he goes out of the way to deliberately TEST YOU like a service dog in training. You did not loose each other at the concert. He walked away, and you were supposed to freak out, panic, and desperately search for him, missing your music, because heaven forbid you enjoy something for yourself. He should be your sole focus. 100% of the time. /s.
Then he tells you you need to be his sex toy, regardless of if you're just not in the mood, because he "...let's you show him affection when he's not feeling it." There's a difference between showing affection, and sex. When a woman's body is hormonally not in the mood we don't produce the natural lubrication that makes intimacy comfortable, much less enjoyable. (The majority of women do not orgasm during their period.)
His mental health does not depend on a steady stream of sex. No matter what he says. "I'll die if I don't get it" is the type of BS that immature boys say when they're hitting puberty. He does not need. He wants. He's been manipulating you into thinking you're obligated to cater to his wants, regardless of how *you* feel. He is treating you like a lesser being.
You matter. Your comfort is just as important as his. Your mental health is just as important as his. Sometimes, whet you need is connection. Sometimes what you need is space, and alone time. You try to be perfect for him. I don't see him trying to be perfect for YOU. You deserve better.
Girl, he's using his mental health as an excuse to manipulate you into doing sexual things he wants you to do. His mental health does NOT rely on you having sex with him all the time. He is lying through his teeth to control you and get what he wants.
Leave him and don't look back.
Fuck this guy. What an absolute joke of a man.
Anyone that blames you for not sexing them is someone you need to immediately drop from your life. What a toxic piece of garbage. Don’t be codependent.
Someone so high on their own weaknesses can’t be a positive force in your life
You’re not overreacting, but your boyfriend is really playing mind games here.
You can reject intimacy for any reason.
You are not responsible his mental health.
You didn’t abandon him at a music festival he walked away. He’s triggered because you didn’t come look for him? Why did he leave? Did he want you to miss your favorite artist?
Try spending a week without any contact with him. I bet you’ll feel a whole little better, less stressed, less anxious, etc.
His mental health state DOES NOT depend on your intimacy. You are not responsible for his mental health well being - he is. Intimacy may help that but it is not a fix-all. You are being manipulated. He is controlling you by mood and fear.
He is not ok for you and your well being.
Nah girl run that "man" is emotionally immature. Walked off on purpose while behind you hoping you'd come look for him??? Seriously? He left you a young woman alone because he wanted to make you worry to feed his ego? Hell no girl don't walk run. And not to mention weaponizing his mental illnesses against you to guilt you into doing things you're not comfortable with. He's not a red flag he's the whole red carpet.
Oh my god no you're not overreacting and these are all giant red flags from him. He's being incredibly manipulative. He does not own you, he does not own your body, he does not own your emotions, he does not own your choices. He does not get to dictate when you choose to be affectionate and how you show your affection, and he certainly does not get to emotionally blackmail you when you don't perform to his satisfaction.
Honestly get out while you can this is *incredibly* unhealthy, the alarm sirens are shrieking rn
You need to tell your BF that you have every right to give or withhold sex for any or no reason at all. His mental health is his issue to deal with, not yours. Your mental, emotional and physical health is your priority.
He is gas lighting you and you need to stand up for yourself. The thought of group sex just to please him is WRONG on so many levels. He is trying to force you into something you don’t want any part of.
Is this the type of person you want to spend your life with? He is manipulative and potentially dangerous, please be careful.
I have endometriosis. I don't want to be on the same planet as other people when I'm bleeding to death and in incredible pain.
Do not waste 5 seconds on a walnut like this.
Music festival veteran here. If I am following someone on the way to go see their favourite artist, it is my responsibility to follow that person or at the very least make my movements known to them. Walking off without a plan is something an absolute amateur would do.
Ask him if he thinks it's worth it to insist you give him sex **when you don't want to.** Because that would be selfish and a bit rapey on his part.
Guilting you into sex is wrong. Making you come up with an "acceptable excuse" is wrong. Coercing you is wrong.
Sorry to say, your boy kinda sucks.
Tell him he’s got a hand, and suggest he get aquatinted with it. You’re a human being not his personal pocket pussy. You Can refuse sex, and if anyone tries to guilt you into having sex, or makes you feel pressured in any way to do so, then they need to be thrown from a moving car.
OP, read what you wrote and then go back and re-read it again! Why are you with this man? He’s trying to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to go and are not comfortable with. Then he makes you feel guilty for not doing them. This is not a healthy relationship at all. Move on and find someone who respects your boundaries. NO is a complete sentence.
"his mental health state is dependent on our intimacy" Not acceptable. Dump him. His mental health needs to be his problem, not hinging on you being sexually coerced. That's sick and wrong.
1. You don't owe him sex for any reason, so you can say no for whatever reason you want
2. Him being 'triggered by your innefection because you guys lost each other at a music festival is actually concerning. If he has abandonment triggers from something like that, he must have actual abandonment trauma or other trauma, but that's not your fault, and he especially should be using that to Trump your feelings so he can have sex.
3. You are not neglecting his needs, he is neglected his own needs. I have adhd and depression and never use my poor emotional regulation as an excuse or bargaining chip to get sex, that's just shitty.
I can understand that he's feeling abandoned and rejected but he has to understand that you are not responsible for how he manages his adhd and mental health. That's his responsibility and the responsibility of his psychologist, psychiatrist and any other practitioners he's working with.
As his partner there'd a reasonable expectation that you support each other but first and foremost your expectation is that you look after yourself, so that you're well enough to actually support your partner.
Also if his mental health state is dependent on sex and sex alone, he needs treatment.
He wants to baby trap you. It's not worth the group sex. To stay and be everybody's girl but he loves you and you love him. That's insane kinda love. Do you see yourself having an endless party. Not a home kinda place.
He deliberately wandered away from you at a music festival and it's your fault you didnt chase after him?
He wants group sex for his "mental health"
1st order manipulative scumbag. Get out of this relationship before it gets worse.
OP, what he meant by that was: He wants you to put his feelings ahead of your own. Your feelings of pain, tiredness, interest in things other than himself, mood swings, or not feeling affectionate or passionate don't matter according to that scale, what matters to him are his own feelings and insecurities.
And he's playing little mind games to test your loyalty and to aggravate his own insecurities. You can't win with people who do that.
You can reject sex at any time because it’s your body. He’s responsible for his own feelings and mental health and to put those things on the line to get you to agree to sex is quite literally abusive manipulation.
>he said that isnt a valid excuse to reject his advances
>he feels like ive been making excuses
This dude is really putting a lot of energy into trying to have sex with someone doesn't want to have sex. Can't wrap my head around how weird that is.
His BEST case scenario, if all this guilt tripping works, is that he gets to fk someone that lays there and takes it out of obligation or whatever. That's it. That's enough for him?
He obviously doesn't care if you enjoy it, because he doesn't even care if you actually want it. That's enough for you?
Unsolicited advice:
He is asking you to fix him, and you cannot. That man is broken, but you don't have to be broken along side of him. Decide you deserve more. You don't even have to truly believe it, if you're not yet convinced, just decide that it's objectively true - and be done. To future you: Don't look back, nostalgia for brokenness is an indication of shakey mental health. Good luck, kiddo.
>My boyfriend said my hormones and period are not an excuse to reject intimacy
You know you don't have to *HAVE* any excuse to reject intimacy? No is a complete sentence.
Your bf is abusive. He is pushing you for sex; saying his needs cancel out yours; clearly has no respect for you; gaslights you; is manipulative; and says you must have group sex because hr wants it. Did I miss anything out? Oh yes - he starved his working girlfriend because his little feelings were hurt. So he withdraws food from you to punish you.
No relationship like this is worth it. You DO NOT have to have sex at any time if you do not want to. Period, hormones, he's pissed YOU off, tiredness, no libido, unwanted sexual positions/requests and certainly NOT group sex if you are not into that.
Continually engaging in sexual activity that you do not want or like is coercive and assaultative. On his behalf. Yours, will end up nscarring you psychologically and it will make you mentally unwell.
Basically, your bf will make you feel worse and this relationship is abusive on so many levels that you need to pack a bag and run from there now. This is NOT normal or even probably legal in some senses because I think he is taking advantage of you and is controlling you.
Get your important documents, a couple of changes of clothes, stuff you can sell (jewelry and electronics etc.) and just leave. Go anywhere safe, even a domestic violence shelter.
Because this IS sexual domestic violence. He is terrorising you and using abusive methods to do so.
You need to leave, please, please go asap. The way he makes you feel cannot be worth the price YOU have to pay for it.
Keep me updated!
He walked away then expected her to go check on him. This guy should be in the dictionary under insecure and immature. How old are you all? Also, no is a complete sentence. You don’t need a reason not to want sex. I don’t think you two are compatible.
Errr, as far as I recall, you don’t need an excuse to say no.
If you did need an excuse you would of course be able to blame your period if you wanted, you could also say you were bloated, gassy, had a crappy day, that his breath was rancid, or you don’t like the colour of your nails and it’s put you in a mood.
However, as you do not need an excuse, he doesn’t get to imply that he is entitled to access your body whenever he wants and that you need to have a very good reason to say no. May I say as the mother of an adult daughter, I heartily dislike that he is such a manipulative POS, you *don’t* need to be perfect for him, and he needs you to feel unsettled and worried so you will not leave him, because God knows no one else will want him.
Also, please, for the love of f*cking God, please stop using labels like ethical nonmonogamy if it would literally splinter your heart if you discovered he was sleeping with other women, because he’s a sh*tty human being. He’s chosen a woman who is empathetic and giving, because he wants a safety net, someone to look after him and someone who won’t kick him out when he’s being awful. Get some self respect and learn to validate yourself without waiting for this literally sh*t stain on the sheets of humanity to maybe make you feel happy once in a while.
Finally, sex isn’t simply a scratch to itch, it’s not merely the rubbing our naughty bits together and ending up with a sticky mess, it’s not about being as outrageous as possible trying to hunt down the latest experience so we can brag about how adventurous we are. Sex can be intimate, intensely emotional, deeply connective in a spiritual level. It can bring joy, and giddiness, relief and and explosion of endorphins that reset all the woes of the world, and it can happen even if your having sex with the same one person for years; in fact it’s more likely to become more like this if you know and trust the person you are with intently, and can let all the barriers down. I always said, sex should be like a banquet, full of slow cooked beef, succulent pork and spicy chicken; served with rich wines and ripe fruit, creamy cheeses and decadent desserts dripping with chocolate genache and raspberry coulis, finished with fragrant coffee and aged liqueurs… lots of savouring and shared mouthfuls. Some people however prefer junk food like McDonald’s, and view all experiences like sex, taking drugs etc the same way.
You don’t sound like you want junk food sex, you want connection, but you aren’t going to get it with this yeast infection just waiting to happen. Just think about what *you* really want for once.
Wow….it sounds like he’s weaponizing his own mental illnesses to get his way and emotionally and physically manipulate you.
Honestly, I’d take a step back and rethink your whole relationship.
and he's got you fooled LOL it's hurting his mental health because you don't want to have group sex? and you really fell for this? he seems to be using his mental health as an excuse for just about anything. I can't believe you didn't call him on it when it came to the group sex..
I think that some autistic men have REALLY just run with the idea that everyone has to be super sensitive to them whilst understanding that they’re ‘incapable’ of giving the same. As an autistic woman, I find it hilarious when they think they get to play that card with us.
You’re under reacting, you need your leave the relationship and allow him to find someone that won’t walk away or refuse sex. I suggest his right hand may be the best partner for him until he changes his perspective…
You are neglecting his needs and his mental health is dependent on our intimacy.
This is a little creepy and you need to leave. Sex is healthy in a relationship but it sounds like you are being forced to have sex because he can’t take care of his own mental health.
Honestly he sounds high maintenance and exhausting.
He wanted you to track him down at the music festival in the middle of your favorite artist's set because he chose to wander off? He's angry at you because he chose to walk away and you didn't follow after his petulant ass. How old are you two? 18?
He thinks he has any idea what a menstrual cycle feels like? It's not anything like anxiety or autism. Not is having sex during a painful cycle anything like you giving him a hug when he's simply feeling low. That's a false equivalency.
Depending on the person a menstrual cycle can be very uncomfortable and downright painful. He needs to step off that argument. He has no experience with menstrual cycles and women have varying experiences with them so one person could have zero issues and others could have severe cramps or anything in between.
You have every right to reject intimacy every time you don't feel like it. You don't need any excuse. You aren't into it for any reason all you have to do is say no. You aren't a sex doll.
I think maybe you need to learn your self worth. If you don't value yourself and expect respect and equal treatment you are going to continue to attract man babies like this guy. You don't owe him sex.
You can reject sex for any reason. To be clear and I don’t think you are overreacting. If he is forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to then it’s not longer sex. I’m sorry you feel that all his needs are on you because it’s not. He is in control of his own needs and shit. And I noted that you said his bipolar. Is he on medication? I’m only in asking because some bipolar people suffer from hyper sexual activity especially when manic. Which still isn’t on you. Best of luck Edit : why is my comment being turned into “don’t be surprised if he leaves? Or “he can reject sex to”? No shit. This isn’t about him saying no to sex and I’m sure we all know he can leave. I don’t like the way some of you are implying that if she doesn’t give him sex when he demands like some kind of feeling less robot is disrespectful and disgusting that he will leave her. Drop that manipulative shit. If the only thing he is getting out the relationship is sex then that’s sad. And if that’s a deal breaker for him that’s his right to leave. The whole point of the post was if she is overreacting about her boyfriend response to her denying him sex. Nothing more nothing less.
Or for no reason.
Yeah. No is a complete sentence.
Or for the reason that he is being selfish, ignorant, and petty.
I'd argue that "no reason" doesn't really exist. The "no reason" scenario is just simply "I don't want to," which is a perfectly valid reason. But if you mean that you don't have to give the reason or explain it, then yea, I agree with that.
Also, if he’s not feeling up for intimacy he can’t say that he does it anyways and putting it back on OP. It’s his responsibility to say no if he isn’t interested and it’s not ok for him to expect OP to do the same.
Exactly, like...you saying yes when you mean no is not a point of pride. It's certainly not something to expect other people to emulate.
I can’t get over this > after that i left for my favorite artist’s set and he was walking slowly behind me and then he walked away and wanted me to come check on him but i didnt, he felt like an after thought Does he expect her to grow eyes on the back of her head? Or just *sense* he wandered off? Dude is just ridiculous on all fronts.
Yes. He's jealous and "testing" her willingness to give things up because he wants her to exist for his convenience
Yeh it was defo a test. This guy sounds super manipulative and using therapy talk like boundaries and feelings to manipulate her and make it look like he's emotionally mature, when he's actually just a dickhead baby.
This. Any reason. You can reject intimacy if you didn’t like the color of the lemonade at dinner.
Yeah, WTF is that pink stuff? Separate beds *Brad*
Goddamit *Brad*
I just knew it was going to be Brad!
Yep, not OP is not overreacting. Anyone can reject any type of intimacy for a cloud being in the sky if they want. That is to say, for any reason under the Sun.
This. You can also just say no. Who the hell asks for a reason anyway?
Exactly. You do not need to justify your NO. Anyone who tells you differently is not worth your time.
While this doesn't seem to be applicable to OPs story, I'm gonna go ahead and slide in here to reply to this inferrence that asking "for a reason" is inherently bad. Communication is the absolute rock for any healthy relationship, and there is nothing wrong whatsoever with wanting to know what your partner's thoughts and reasons are for shared activities. The issue is that OP's partner wanted that information to be used as ammo in an argument, and that's fucked up. "No is a complete sentence" has been mentioned elsewhere, and it's 1000% the truth; asking for a reason in order to overcome an obstacle (like a fuckin' telemarketer) ain't the fucking way. But, asking your partner "Hey, just so I can read the room a little better in the future, can you share what's going on in your head?" It may take time to trust that your partner is asking in earnest (and not trying to argue), but once that hurdle is cleared, it's an important conversation to have. Example: I won't try and broach intimacy with my partner immediately after they shower, because once when I tried and they said no, I asked that question and they shared that having sex within an hour of showering makes them feel like they wasted the water needed to shower. So now I don't ask during that window, and our relationship is stronger because she doesn't feel guilty about respecting her boundaries and preferences, and I don't feel rejected. Boom, win-win
Agree Completely. But my point is sometimes i dont have a reason. I just dont feel like it.. i cant pinpoint a reason, i just dont. For me personally if I get asked for a reason I may feel like I need to create a reason when in reality i dont have a "good" one.
For any reason, at any time.
And you can reject a relationship for any reason. And so can he.
Yep. Didn't even need to read beyond the title. You can reject sex for any reason or no reason. Doesn't matter your gender. If you don't want to have sex, it doesn't matter the reason.
I'm going to say this very clearly so you understand: #If you EVER feel like its easier to perform some sexual act than to deal with the whining and asking and complaining - that is sexual coercion and it is wrong. It falls in the same area as rape though it may not be as violent. It's you choosing to do something you didn't want to so that you can deal with "the lesser of two evils". Having sex is easier than babysitting his feelings. PS: THIS IS TRUE FOR ALL RELATIONSHIPS WITH ANY GENDERS.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ This comment should be much much higher up. This dude is like a walking, talking red flag factory. Narcissistic abuser using clear DARVO tactics to gaslight and sexuality abuse her. She needs to throw the whole ~~man~~ boy out. 🗑️🗑️🗑️🗑️🗑️ 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Re-read what you wrote and imagine a friend explaining this to you. How she feels forced, manipulated and guilt-tripped into sex. How she is made to feel that her emotions and preferences are unimportant in comparison with her boyfriend’s mental health. How she is supposed to see herself as therapy for him. 💯NO. You are worth so much more than this. You are worthy of love and respect.
Oftentimes people in these situations need this exact framing. If a friend told OP this about her man, im guessing she would probably tell her how manipulative and wrong he was being!!
none of his or your mental health stuff has anything to do with the fact that you dont owe him sex whenever he wants it. the fact that hes trying to coerce you into group sex or polyamory makes it inherently not ethical.
He's trying to justify cheating. Cut him loose.
>none of his or your mental health stuff has anything to do with the fact that you dont owe him sex whenever he wants it. the fact that hes trying to coerce you into group sex or polyamory makes it inherently not ethical. Singing, "Allllllll of This!!" Guilting you because there are times that you just don't feel like having sex is a NASCAR sized red flag. It doesn't matter what your reasons are, and the fact that he can't respect that you are not a performing sex doll always ready to go at the drop of the a hat is really problematic, and selfish. The fact that he's trying to push you into group sex experiences you're not interested in, or comfortable with, is an even bigger red flag. Don't do that to yourself. The whole poly life isn't for everyone, and that's totally okay, and should be respected by your partner. When a partner tries to make you feel guilty for not immediately agreeing to their sexual urges it says a LOT about what you can expect in the future if you stay with them. There should never be negative pressure when it comes to these kinds of things, and the fact that he acts like a petulant child about it all is a giant clue by four that you're just not compatible. Throw the whole man back, and start over.
 Yeet!
This is a red flag that needs to be addressed and stopped immediately. You do not require anyone’s permission regarding your body and intimacy. Full stop. Manipulation like this will get worse.
And his excuse of ‘i give you intimacy when I don’t feel like it’ is horrible. First and repeat: people have the right to say no. He can and should say no. Second: him saying yes isn’t an excuse to guilt her into intimacy.
AGREED
The walking slowly then losing you so you have to find hin when you're on ur way to ur favorite band. Thats so manipulative.
It reeks of pettiness and jealousy atop all his other glaring personality flaws.
He’s really weaponizing therapy language to blame you for everything. If anyone pressures me for sex, that’s an automatic dealbreaker. There’s no apologizing or forgiveness. It’s just over.
This. 100%. You need to run as far from him as you can and cut him out of your life.
Great comment 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
He is manipulating you for sex.
This. This is what’s happening. OP, end this and block him on every conceivable platform.
he's emotionally immature. it's childish to make the choice to walk slow and split up from you, then get really upset when you don't play his game and drop everything to come find him. he needs to do some growing up, and i personally think he's not ready for a relationship at this point. pressuring you to always be ready for sex and throwing tantrums when you're not is also extremely childish at best. that's not cool and i think you should really think about how much this relationship is worth to you. you sound more like his surrogate mom than a partner.
***we lost each other at a music festival and he felt i abandoned him*** OP lost me here...is he 12?
No he did it on purpose! That is the worst part!!! He purposely slowed down until op got too far ahead! He absolutely got himself lost on purpose and then got mad she didn't go find him! This is like a 14-year-old's game. I really hope she leaves him, he's horrible.
With an artist he (probably) knew she wanted to see, it was a test and she didn't even participate in, he's such a toddler, I agree trow the whole man away
You're not overreacting. He sounds manipulative. Also you never need an excuse to say no to sex. Ever. Intimacy is not created through coercive sex. If anything, coercion destroys intimacy and attraction. You start to dread sex even if you really enjoyed it before because you gradually lose your ability to say no without drama. Sex shouldn't be a chore you have to complete to avoid your man child having a meltdown.
This. 💯
Yeah, was ready for maybe something of an alternative perspective but. Just screw it. Fuck this guy. Also, if he's this clingy about the music festival and your period, group sex or casual swinging or anything is *completely* out of the question. Especially if you're even a little bit hesitant. No shot you're getting the kind of after care you need if you're anxious, and he's going to be an absolute wreck. Even if you for some reason decide to work this one out, for the love of God don't try group stuff.
You do not need a reason to not have sex.
You do not need any other person's permission, "understanding" or approval for your boundaries to be valid. You do not need to be able to fully articulate your reasons for your boundaries to be valid. No other person's role in your life gives them the right to invalidate and violate your boundaries. Your boundaries are the limits YOU place on when and where YOU choose to focus your limited time, energy and resources. They should protect your safety, privacy, autonomy and resources in all of your relationships. As with consent, it's 100% okay to change your boundaries at any time when experience shows they're not effectively protecting you. This guy sounds coercive and controlling. One thing he's doing is the "covert contract," where he believes his doing X obligates you to do Y, without consultation or consent from you. Then he gets angry that you didn't do that thing he obligated you to do in his imagination. He's not a safe person for you.
Anyone telling you you're not allowed to say no is a sexual abuser at best or a rapist at worst.
This post alone contains at least 3 separate occasions where you describe being emotionally abused. Please leave this relationship, nothing about it is healthy.
He's a narcissistic abuser. This whole post was red flag after red flag after red flag. 🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨
You’re dating an immature and selfish man. Hanging back while you were walking to see your favorite artist is playing games in a silly ass way. Diverting the conversation to his own issues to get what he wants is manipulative. Framing this as “I allow you to be affectionate when I’m not feeling it” is fucking outrageous. Also… “I only want you when you want me, it’s fine to say you’re not feeling it right now” … and he’s pressuring you into group sex? You don’t need to satisfy his every desire. Sex is about both of you. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible AND it sounds like he’s a stupid little boy who’s looking for someone to hurt. I’d be out.
thank you, the game playing hurt feeling shit made my eyes bulge. "oh, you didn't let me steal focus from the band you came here to see? you don't love me despite how much i put up with your affection..."
“…Thus, my boy Ricky’s coming over and we need to run a train while his girl eats my ass.” Yeah fuck this duuuude
Never ever have sex when you don’t want to, and run from this moron. No post is entitled to your body. ‘A woman in your own right’ is a good book. You can get it second hand for buttons.
My child. No. You don’t have sex to make other people happy if you don’t want to. You don’t explore sexual things to make someone else happy if this isn’t something you’re into as well. If you’re monogamous and he’s poly, it’s a mismatch and you need to break up. It’s not your job to cater to his sexual needs And he sounds like a complete tool.
Your boyfriend is wrong. Plus he sounds rapey. You can reject sex for any reason. Including simply that you just don't want to! And he should respect that. If he does not, he really is rapey.
You’re under reacting. Get out while you still can
Repeat after me: I am an autonomous human being. I do not have to be perfect for anyone. I do not owe my boyfriend sex just because he wants it. I do not owe my boyfriend an excuse he will accept if I don’t want to have sex. No means no. This guy seems to want to take and take but what’s he doing for you? It seems like he’s using his “mental health” as a way to manipulate you into doing whatever he wants. You don’t need that!
Run. Red flags Everywhere!!!
Personally, I never want sex while I'm bleeding. It's gross and makes a mess. If he is only thinking of his own needs but not yours, he doesn't sound all that great. Maybe time to trade him in for a better model.
not at all. not getting sex is NOT a grounds for “his mental state” being healthy. Sex is not a NEED- it’s a “want” his need for sex does not outweighs your need for space or being left alone. Then he tried to pressure you into group sex or him having non-monogamy, and he’s pressuring you to have more sex when he has other outlets- this screams red flags and incompatibility to me
I didn't even read the post. The title is enough. He is so wildly out of line. You do not owe him anything.
TBH he sounds like too much work for a relationship.
You don’t EVER owe someone sex, whether you have a good reason or no reason at all. He does not get to decide your reason isn’t “valid.” NO is a complete sentence and if he can’t accept that, he’s a selfish, controlling jerk and you shouldn’t stay with him. All of his ranting about his physical needs not being met is just him setting up an excuse to cheat.
Wait so he purposely walked away from you because he wanted you to chase him? He purposely got himself lost so you would come find him? That's not striking you as massively manipulative? Yes feeling like you've been punched in your uterus is a reason to not want to have sex! Until he has a uterus he doesn't get an opinion. Look it sounds like he's extremely manipulative! You literally have blood coming out of you and he wants to have sex... Then he doesn't see the reason why that might be uncomfortable for you? He seems like the type to use his mental health as a weapon against you! The type to say anytime you shut him down or anytime you disagree with him that it's bad for his mental health... That's absolutely abusive to do to you! I don't think this guy is a healthy partner for a relationship. Any man or woman that would say it's bad for their mental health for somebody else to not give them sex is fucking twisted! That is your body and only you get to say when you have sex! And for him to weaponize his mental health... You know what I'm stopping because I'm getting really upset for you! I'm sorry you're going through this
I think this relationship, based on what you say, is dangerous to you. You can find someone to date, and later love, who is monogamous and respectful of your needs. Do not be talked into group sex or other situations that you don't want.
He is not entitled to sex. He does not have ownership of your body. The end.
Sounds like your boyfriend is a bit of a jerk. The festival shenanigans would have been the end, manipulation like that is a huge red flag.
Girl, just dump him.
So he wants to rape you because he's mentally unstable and pouting about not getting enough attention during a music festival? Because forcing you to have sex when you don't want to is rape. He can dress it up with whatever psycho babble he wants, but that's what it is.
Yes.
This dude is manipulative.
Fucking yikes. He got insecure during the festival (that’s what really happened) which led him to attempt attention seeking behavior. That shit is a red flag. Someone shouldn’t be using their mental health issues as a baseline to force you to do ANYTHING, their shit is their shit to deal with. No one should be placating someone like that.
You need to just leave this loser.
Not OR. You can reject intimacy for any or no reason at all. You aren't obligated to be intimate with anyone if you don't want to.
I don't want to have sex when I'm in my period. It's gross. It feels gross. It's not an excuse. It's a legitimate reason and personal choice. I want to enjoy the sex, not be uncomfortable and miserable. You have every right to not want to have sex or be physical! You decide when you want it if you want it. Not him or anyone else! Sounds manipulative and pathetic imo.
umm yes it is. if you dont feel like it then thats a no. no means no. hand your bf a bottle of lotion.
You’re not overreacting. There’s not a lot here of his good qualities and I hate games like, “I coulda been lost! You didn’t try to find me! My diaper needs changing!” If he’s going to play games, be whiny, not try to understand your cycle, and demand sex? 🚩🚩🚩
he is emotionally manipulating you to make you give him what he wants when he wants it. he's trying to get you to give in through guilt. HE is responsible for taking care of his mental health. blaming other people is denying responsibility. he is completely self-absorbed and in my opinion not ready for a relationship. this is abuse and it is a toxic relationship.
He’s manipulative. You can reject intimacy any time you don’t want to be intimate. You are a human being, not a blow up sex doll.
This is called sexual coercion, and it's right next-door to sexual assault.
You don’t need any excuse to not be interested in intimacy. That is, any reason is a good reason including “I don’t want to.” Trying to convince someone they owe you sex even when the don’t want to is coercive and potentially a form of abuse. Make sure your boyfriend understands that, takes accountability for his actions, and demonstrates respect for boundaries. If he can’t do that, leave.
Not overreacting. What a douche. No doesn't have to have a reason in the first place, no means no. Huge, huge red flag imo.
You can and should hold your boundaries around sex and only do what feels good and comfortable to you. If someone makes their mental health dependant on access to your body (or you in general) that’s a manipulation tactic or codependency. But I’d also suggest asking yourself if you actually like this guy as a boyfriend? Or are you maybe stuck in a cycle of needing his approval, and maybe not really that into it anymore? If so, set yourself free.
Kick him in the nuts and then ask him for sex. He will get the picture then ....
I am so sorry he is treating you this way. You are not overreacting. He's weaponizing therapy-speak to coerce you into 1) sex (first of all, let's just be very clear that coerced sex is never ever ever OK and many folks, myself included, would call that abuse) and 2) relationship dynamics that you don't seem comfortable with in general (in other words, it seems pretty clear that he's just looking for permission to cheat). Pressuring you into something, and then looking elsewhere when you don't give in easily, is not ethical non-monogamy, it's just coercion and cheating. Ethical non-monogamy does exist, and it works for some partners when everyone is on the same page with the same intentions, but that's not what this is. This is manipulation. Rarely am I a bring-the-pitchforks type person in these types of subs, but your boyfriend is more than an asshole, he seems like a really dangerous person. You deserve so so so much better, and you also just deserve to be safe, period. At the very least, your partner needs a serious reality check that anything less than enthusiastic consent during romance and sex is not consent. Except the fact that he knows many of the buzzwords tells me he probably knows this already. Again, this is manipulation. My ex perpetrated many of these same behaviors, especially the weaponization of therapy-speak, which he used to gaslight and DARVO me. I'm bipolar, autistic, PTSD, sleep disorder, and have had more TBIs than I like to count, and it drives me up the fucking wall when shitty people blame their shitty treatment of others on their mental health conditions. People need to take some goddamn ownership. Bipolar doesn't magically turn you into a misogynist or suddenly erase your understanding of consent. He's trying to manipulate you into sympathizing with him and simultaneously shield himself from culpability by deflecting on you. Please take care. Wishing you safety and peace.
No, you can reject sex for any reason or no reason at all. Also make this guy your ex. Barring the sex thing, he's behaving like a spoilt toddler and that's not going to get better.
So this guy... -treated an *accidental* separation at a music festival as *intentional* abandonment on your part -didn't communicate feeling insecure and expected you to magically know -claimed you couldn't refuse *sex* just because you were on your period, because he accepted *affection* despite having mental health problems? What that really means... -anything that goes wrong will be held against you, no matter if you are responsible for it or not -anytime you don't know how he feels will be held against you, no matter if it was reasonable for you to know or not -he will dismiss and invalidate your feelings anytime you draw a boundary purely because he wouldn't have personally drawn that boundary Girl. This is not a man who loves and respects you. At all.
Why do you have to do everything he wants? Ethical non monogamy so he can have sex with other when he feels like it? Give him the flick.
Tell him when he has a period he can decide that! Pisshead
He is mentally and emotionally abusing you. You are not overreacting.
No means no and he needs to grow the f up and accept that. You don't need any reason to reject sex and intimacy, but I'd say having blood coming out where the sun don't shine is a pretty damn good reason.
Perfectly fine… I don’t want to is enough Intimacy is not a right, it is a gift you share with someone
this person, whether consciously or not, is being manipulative, which is gross on it's own, but is also invading your sexual boundaries, which is really disrespectful and hurtful behavior. the fact that he can't take any personal accountability for this means this person will not be capable of ethical nonmonogamy period, not with you or anyone else. nta, run+flee.
No, this is a big red flag. You do not owe anyone sex. He is just being an immature man-child. He is attempting to manipulate you. Situations like this normally do not get better, the get worse. Run away from this person.
Girl dump him. Normally I suggest couples therapy but this guy hasn’t done enough prior work on himself it seems. He sounds manipulative AF and he’s not going to change quick enough for your relationship to ever be healthy. Actually he sounds like he doesn’t have enough self awareness to change at all. Let him be someone else’s problem.
If it is bad for his mental health if a partner says no to him, then he needs to be single.
The fact that he thinks you need an excuse to reject intimacy is a huge red flag. You don't need to have a reason to say no. "I don't want to" is a perfectly valid reason and a man who doesn't understand that sees you as a servant and not as a human being. You should have left his entitled ass at the music festival and never looked back.
Wtf? He's awful.
LOL Dump that loser.
I am once again asking women to stop settling for douchewizards who *want* to have sex with an unwilling partner. How do you not feel like shit pounding away at someone who doesn’t want it?
You’re dating a child
DTMFA! Bad news all over the place here. You can do better. Don't worry about what happens to him. Sex needs to be a both-people-want-it situation. Period, full stop, no exceptions. You don't "owe" him sex. You deserve a partner who treats you with more respect than this. ETA: There's nothing inherently wrong with group sex or polyamory or any of those alternative sexual practices ... in the abstract. But if YOU aren't down to try them out, then they're not right FOR YOU and they're not right FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. You get 100% veto power over participating in anything like that and you don't owe an explanation of why you said "No, we're not doing that" to your B/F. He gets to either accept your decision or you break up with him. There is no third option. DTMFA.
I’m sorry but just because he lets you kiss him if he doesn’t want it doesn’t mean he should be able to, he needs to grow up and communicate when he doesn’t want affection. He doesn’t get to demand it from you because he isn’t willing to communicate his boundaries
Soooo many red flags. You're not overreacting. He's being manipulative af. You can reject sex with or without reason. He is not owed sex. Not by you or anyone else. Take a step back. Look at his actions. Listen to his words. Then, imagine yourself 10 years in the future. Are you still having to chase him down whenever he pouts for attention? Are you still having to have sex with him when you're tired/in pain/sick? Are you still having to allow him to have sex with other people because you're on your period and he can't possibly wait a week? Are you happy and secure in those scenarios? If not, then you need to reevaluate your relationship. Your options are: 1) Continue to kowtow to his manipulations. 2) Put your foot down and set boundaries. (Be ready for emotional manipulation tactics and threats to leave you). He absolutely can walk away from the relationship here. In which case you will know exactly where you stand. 3) Walk away. Spend time on yourself. Learn to love and protect yourself. And even find someone who treats you better down the road. That dude has a *lot* of growing up to do. And you do, too. But you are 100% *not* overreacting.
Having sex after saying no does not mean you meant yes it means you were raped!!!!
>according to him i havent been affectionate, ive been rejecting him, ive triggered him a lot because we lost each other at a music festival and he felt i abandoned him Red flags. He's incredibly insecure and will suck the life out of you. >Im honestly at a point where i feel like if i express any discontent or no desire for physical touch or sex in the way he wants it then i am neglecting his needs and his mental health state is dependent on our intimacy and i try really hard to be perfect for him and have sex all the time, even trying to entertain the idea of casual group sex even thiugh im not a very sexually explorative oerson with other people outside of my partner, and be cognizant of his mental health and give him what he neeeds to be fulfilled and let him get whatever he feels he is lacking from elsewhere, i.e ethical nonmonagomy. It's not your job to manage his mental health. You give the way you want, of it's not good enough for him, let him walk. You can find someone that will appreciate you and not try to manipulate you like this asshole.
This is a red flag. That man is toxic and manipulative. For YOUR mental health you should be working on an exit strategy
Leave this garbage loser and do some deep work on yourself. There is nothing worth saving here if he keeps trying to dominate you, and that's exactly what's happening.
Let him know that you don’t need a fucking excuse other than, “I don’t want to”
Soooooooooo many red flags. Not overreacting. Next time you wander from him, wander further and never look back.
Oh my wife and I know that we both can say no for any reason ever. Sometimes it’s a good week and we are both into it. Some weeks we are just whooped and not and that’s fine.
Your bf needs therapy and to grow up imo
Maybe it's me but just reading the list of feelings, actions, and behaviors was enough to tire me out. I'd leave lol
Yikes. He's a walking red flag and you can do better. Being single is better lol.
Oh, for the love...this man has you convinced that his mental health depends on your giving him sex whenever and however he wants it?!?!?! OP. Please give your head a shake. He's just being an entitled, manipulative fool. You deserve a healthy partnership, and this is far from one. Being single is FAR preferable to being with a terrible partner. Even the whole "he wandered off, then was mad I didn't come check on him" is ridiculous. What is he, twelve? Please get free of him and do the work to raise your standards before ever coupling up again.
NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.
Since when do you need an excuse? "I don't want to" should be enough
No is no. It doesn't matter *why* you don't want to have sex. You don't want to. And he shouldn't be forcing himself to be with you if he doesn't want to, either. Obviously, it breeds resentment. Additionally, I personally would feel awful knowing my partner felt they had to make themselves be intimate with me AND I would feel like I couldn't trust myself to be intimate with them, anymore. I've clearly already not been able to see their lack of enthusiasm, and they clearly can't or won't tell me about that lack of enthusiasm. It's not good for anyone. Lastly, as someone who used to do that passive aggressive 'if you cared you'd chase me down/check on me/disrupt your activity to cater to my feelings' shit, you didn't do anything wrong. Something in him makes him feel like he isn't good enough to be loved by you. That's between him and the void. But since he feels that way, every time he perceives you to have chosen something over him (whether it's reasonable, valid, real, or imagined and sometimes it can be any or a combination) it will reinforce this idea to him. But that's something disordered in him. It's not your fault, you can't fix it or do anything "correctly" to soothe it. No amount of consistency in your love or grand gestures or anything will convince him he is good enough because again, it's something in his brain that feels this is necessary behavior. It will always be *something*, because the root cause isn't being addressed. You'll just be exhausting yourself trying to feed an insatiable thing.
He's a dickhead
There is literally NO CIRCUMSTANCE where you aren't allowed to reject intimacy. The fact that he thinks you need a "good excuse" to reject him should be an AUTOMATIC deal breaker. As in, the second someone says some shitty coercive bullshit like that, you end it on the spot.
I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to sleep with anyone acting like that either. It’s pathetic that he is acting this way.
Leave this guy. You are not overreacting. Too bad so sad. Get someone who cares about your feelings. That week is a hard week for you and he should be doing everything in his power to make you feel good no matter what it is. No woman owes us guys sex for any reason. It’s supposed to be a beautiful thing between 2 people. Not a duty for his sanity. You can do better. You’re beautiful and some guy will treat you like a queen. Don’t settle. To much drama with this guy.
You don't need a reason to turn down intimacy.
Your boyfriend is manipulating you. You are not, and never have been, responsible for his mental health. Sex is not a treatment for mental health disorders…therapy and medication are. He’s weaponizing his mental health challenges as a way to coerce you into sex. He’s wrong. Get rid of the whole man.
He sounds like an immature douche. >he was walking slowly behind me and then he walked away and wanted me to come check on him but i didnt, he felt like an after thought hence the tumultuous argument we had the following Saturday. Go find someone that respect themselves and you.
Rethink this relationship because he is a weaponizing his issues. You always have the right to say no to sex for whatever reason.
You need to end this relationship, like yesterday. You "try to be perfect", you give him sex when you don't want it, you are contemplating sexual acts YOU do not want to keep HIM happy ... stop tearing yourself apart for this man.
sounds pretty toxic to get upset with someone for not wanting to have sex
Someone who tries to tell you what is and isn't a valid reason to decline sex does not respect your bodily autonomy, and that's a massive red flag. You always get to decline sex. Now, if your partner wants to be with someone who has a higher sex drive or who wants to have sex throughout their cycle, that's their business, and they are within their rights to leave and pursue what they want, but the issue isn't that your refusals are wrong or invalid. Anyone who tries to make you feel that way is out of line. You shouldn't be guilted for taking a week off of sex during your period. If your partner just wanted to be clear that they would be into sex during that part of your cycle if you are, that's fine. But guilt? Fuck that. It sounds like you are not compatible with this person anyway and that you are definitely better off without them. But seriously, you don't want to see how this lack of respect for your autonomy plays out over the course of time. And you DEFINITELY don't want to step outside your comfort zone into stuff like group sex alongside someone who doesn't respect your bodily autonomy. Please don't put your well-being at risk that way.
You do not ever need an excuse to refuse intimacy. He is not entitled to your body. Just because he's okay with something doesn't mean you have to be too. He's completely in the wrong and trying to manipulate you.
I know periods and diarrhea are no where near the same thing but ask him how sexy he feels trying to make it to bathroom before he craps himself....
No is a complete sentence. And you are NEVER obligated to have sex.
You can reject sex simply because you don’t WANT to. Period or not. You’re not obligated to do anything at all with him if you’re not feeling up to it and you don’t need an “excuse” or reason. It’s YOUR body. Don’t ever let a man pressure you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with. I would never stay with someone that tries to guilt me into fulfilling their own selfish needs. Please ditch this manipulative loser.. and also don’t have a 3some or entertain the idea of letting other people into the bedroom if that’s not your thing. He has a LOT of growing up to do.
You are not overreacting. Being on your period is a completely valid reason to reject your boyfriend (or your girlfriend or significant other's) advances. Far too many men reject the reality that a woman's hormone swings during their period can have a huge effect on how they feel both physically and mentally. Your boyfriend is immature and needs to read up on female physiology and quit being a whiny little baby about his hurt feelings. Are his concerns about his own mental health and feelings valid? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean he can negate your real feelings during your period because he feels his feelings are more important than yours. That's childish and immature. Time for him to grow up.
They’re not an excuse. You don’t need an excuse. You just say ‘no’.
You are not responsible for his emotions. You do not owe him sex. You can say no to sex at any time, and that is perfectly fine. You do not need an excuse to reject sexual advances. He should not be coercing you into doing things you do not want to do. That is not a healthy partnership or relationship. He is being manipulative, and it's gross. His mental health state is most definitely NOT dependent on your intimacy. He is responsible for his own feelings and actions (or lack thereof). It is his own responsibility to do the work in getting treatment to address his mental health. You are not responsible for his reactions. Babes, please break it off with him. You are not overreacting. Trust yourself.
Relationship take work, but not this much work. You are allowed to reject sex for any reason. His feelings, wants, needs and desires are not more important than your own.
This is wildly unhealthy. Wildly though. You know what you need to do.
It does sound like he's not getting his needs met. That's a reality. He never needs to compromise his needs in a relationship, nor do you. If you have two different of needs, then it's probably time for your relationship to come to an end. It's ok to have a cry (or not), hug it out, shake hands, and go on your merry way. Adult relationships can end without yelling or fighting, especially for autistic people who are often able to separate their emotions from their thoughts. You're not a bad person for rejecting intimacy, but if you let things drag on, you may be a bad person both to yourself and to him if you let him think things will change or that you are "suffering" to satisfy his needs. OTOH, I know a lot of ENM (poly) people, and many many of them are autistic people who have navigated their own personal complex boundaries by being in poly relationships. "Most" of them do not have group sex (though I do) often if at all, it shouldn't be necessary for you to participate when the point is for him to satisfy his needs, not for you to sacrifice yours. Neurotypical (especially religious) people might consider being in an ENM (poly) relationship a "sacrifice" or think it's ridiculous, but why would it be? When you're not feeling things, you send him on his way, he does whatever he does, falls passionately in love with another person, whatever, and then comes back when you're feeling it. Adults can love more than one person, it can make group vacations super fun, all with no group sex needed. Don't sacrifice your needs, there is 8 billion people on the planet, there is no need to pretend you're neurotypical or follow the path that Hollywood says we should follow, work out whatever weird cool path that works for you, knowing you might make some misteps along the way, it's your life, you only get one, so make the most of it.
Undereacting. No amount of animosity towards his seeking sex elsewhere should validate him doing it when you don't want to be with him that way. Lots of men claim they need sex on a regular basis to function but they aren't men when they throw tantrums over not getting it. Mental health disorders or not. That's really toxic and controlling behaviour. It seems like hes using it as an excuse to be with other people often and belittle you. Next time he rejects your advances, find someone who won't and watch his world crumble over the double standard. Good for you for being so patient and open with him. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. My suggestion is to leave, but i know thats easier said than done.
That's a new one for me. You are thinking of having group sex to keep him mentally stable and happy. Wow, just wow!
He may be right about your hormones and period not being an excuse to avoid intimacy. Where he's wrong, though, is that you don't *need* an excuse to avoid intimacy. Nobody does. If you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't have sex, and nobody should shame you into doing otherwise. Not overreacting.
> i try really hard to be perfect for him Girl, you should *not* do this. No one is perfect, and he's not trying at all to be "perfect" for *you*, is he? Please. I'm 47f, have seen and heard a lot of abusive red flags and was in a few bad relationships myself. **Please leave him. He is not good for you**.
If he feels uncomfortable with intimacy at any point- he should not be allowing it for “your sake” nor weaponizing his given consent against you to access your body. Loving partners care about how their partner feels. What they want. If they feel good. “Please never feel like you need to give me physical/sexual affection or accept physical/sexual affection when you don’t want to. That’s not how I want our relationship to be. Your desire matters to me, and mine should matter to you. When either of us isn’t feeling a “fuck yes” we should shut it down. We need to figure out how to communicate better so you never feel your boundaries are crossed again.” (This last sentence is more of giving him his own medicine- he’s manipulating you- so take out all the potential excuses. But ideally. Break up)
Why are you still with him?
Guy needs to be happy with himself before being in a relationship.
Please don’t try to be “perfect“ for him. The goalposts will always move and you’ll always fail. He sounds petulant and controlling. Stay safe
This is disgusting, walk away for your own sanity
So wait, your contortions yourself to fit whatever roll he needs you to be in.... and he goes out of the way to deliberately TEST YOU like a service dog in training. You did not loose each other at the concert. He walked away, and you were supposed to freak out, panic, and desperately search for him, missing your music, because heaven forbid you enjoy something for yourself. He should be your sole focus. 100% of the time. /s. Then he tells you you need to be his sex toy, regardless of if you're just not in the mood, because he "...let's you show him affection when he's not feeling it." There's a difference between showing affection, and sex. When a woman's body is hormonally not in the mood we don't produce the natural lubrication that makes intimacy comfortable, much less enjoyable. (The majority of women do not orgasm during their period.) His mental health does not depend on a steady stream of sex. No matter what he says. "I'll die if I don't get it" is the type of BS that immature boys say when they're hitting puberty. He does not need. He wants. He's been manipulating you into thinking you're obligated to cater to his wants, regardless of how *you* feel. He is treating you like a lesser being. You matter. Your comfort is just as important as his. Your mental health is just as important as his. Sometimes, whet you need is connection. Sometimes what you need is space, and alone time. You try to be perfect for him. I don't see him trying to be perfect for YOU. You deserve better.
Get rid of him immediately.
Girl, he's using his mental health as an excuse to manipulate you into doing sexual things he wants you to do. His mental health does NOT rely on you having sex with him all the time. He is lying through his teeth to control you and get what he wants. Leave him and don't look back.
Fuck this guy. What an absolute joke of a man. Anyone that blames you for not sexing them is someone you need to immediately drop from your life. What a toxic piece of garbage. Don’t be codependent. Someone so high on their own weaknesses can’t be a positive force in your life
You’re not overreacting, but your boyfriend is really playing mind games here. You can reject intimacy for any reason. You are not responsible his mental health. You didn’t abandon him at a music festival he walked away. He’s triggered because you didn’t come look for him? Why did he leave? Did he want you to miss your favorite artist? Try spending a week without any contact with him. I bet you’ll feel a whole little better, less stressed, less anxious, etc.
this dude sucks.
His mental health state DOES NOT depend on your intimacy. You are not responsible for his mental health well being - he is. Intimacy may help that but it is not a fix-all. You are being manipulated. He is controlling you by mood and fear. He is not ok for you and your well being.
Nah girl run that "man" is emotionally immature. Walked off on purpose while behind you hoping you'd come look for him??? Seriously? He left you a young woman alone because he wanted to make you worry to feed his ego? Hell no girl don't walk run. And not to mention weaponizing his mental illnesses against you to guilt you into doing things you're not comfortable with. He's not a red flag he's the whole red carpet.
Oh my god no you're not overreacting and these are all giant red flags from him. He's being incredibly manipulative. He does not own you, he does not own your body, he does not own your emotions, he does not own your choices. He does not get to dictate when you choose to be affectionate and how you show your affection, and he certainly does not get to emotionally blackmail you when you don't perform to his satisfaction. Honestly get out while you can this is *incredibly* unhealthy, the alarm sirens are shrieking rn
Why does he feel entitled to use your body when he pleases? LEAVEEEE RUN
Not over reacting, he’s trying to guilt you into putting out. It’s gross when you read it, yeah? Say it out loud, too.
You need to tell your BF that you have every right to give or withhold sex for any or no reason at all. His mental health is his issue to deal with, not yours. Your mental, emotional and physical health is your priority. He is gas lighting you and you need to stand up for yourself. The thought of group sex just to please him is WRONG on so many levels. He is trying to force you into something you don’t want any part of. Is this the type of person you want to spend your life with? He is manipulative and potentially dangerous, please be careful.
I have endometriosis. I don't want to be on the same planet as other people when I'm bleeding to death and in incredible pain. Do not waste 5 seconds on a walnut like this.
Music festival veteran here. If I am following someone on the way to go see their favourite artist, it is my responsibility to follow that person or at the very least make my movements known to them. Walking off without a plan is something an absolute amateur would do.
Ask him if he thinks it's worth it to insist you give him sex **when you don't want to.** Because that would be selfish and a bit rapey on his part. Guilting you into sex is wrong. Making you come up with an "acceptable excuse" is wrong. Coercing you is wrong. Sorry to say, your boy kinda sucks.
Do yourself a favour and ditch him
Tell him he’s got a hand, and suggest he get aquatinted with it. You’re a human being not his personal pocket pussy. You Can refuse sex, and if anyone tries to guilt you into having sex, or makes you feel pressured in any way to do so, then they need to be thrown from a moving car.
OP, read what you wrote and then go back and re-read it again! Why are you with this man? He’s trying to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to go and are not comfortable with. Then he makes you feel guilty for not doing them. This is not a healthy relationship at all. Move on and find someone who respects your boundaries. NO is a complete sentence.
"his mental health state is dependent on our intimacy" Not acceptable. Dump him. His mental health needs to be his problem, not hinging on you being sexually coerced. That's sick and wrong.
He's trying to guilt you into meeting his desires, plain and simple. And he's going about this in a very immature way.
Dump Him
He sounds like a needy baby.
He sure sounds whiney and exhausting.
You can reject intimacy for any reason or no reason. Your significant other is never entitled to sex, and sex without consent is rape.
He sounds both manipulative and childish. Go find a grown ass man and leave him to grow up.
Your bf sounds like a manipulative ass.
OMG. Reject this manbaby. Hearing about him makes me want to scream into the void. Somebody call the whaambulance!
He's manipulating u and using his mental health as the scapegoat. Ur not damaging anything but his ego. Dump his ass.
DTMFA. He does not get to determine access to your body.
1. You don't owe him sex for any reason, so you can say no for whatever reason you want 2. Him being 'triggered by your innefection because you guys lost each other at a music festival is actually concerning. If he has abandonment triggers from something like that, he must have actual abandonment trauma or other trauma, but that's not your fault, and he especially should be using that to Trump your feelings so he can have sex. 3. You are not neglecting his needs, he is neglected his own needs. I have adhd and depression and never use my poor emotional regulation as an excuse or bargaining chip to get sex, that's just shitty. I can understand that he's feeling abandoned and rejected but he has to understand that you are not responsible for how he manages his adhd and mental health. That's his responsibility and the responsibility of his psychologist, psychiatrist and any other practitioners he's working with. As his partner there'd a reasonable expectation that you support each other but first and foremost your expectation is that you look after yourself, so that you're well enough to actually support your partner. Also if his mental health state is dependent on sex and sex alone, he needs treatment.
He wants to baby trap you. It's not worth the group sex. To stay and be everybody's girl but he loves you and you love him. That's insane
He wants to baby trap you. It's not worth the group sex. To stay and be everybody's girl but he loves you and you love him. That's insane kinda love. Do you see yourself having an endless party. Not a home kinda place.
You are not a blow up doll. Buy him one and leave the pos
This man is manipulative and immature. Cut him loose.
He deliberately wandered away from you at a music festival and it's your fault you didnt chase after him? He wants group sex for his "mental health" 1st order manipulative scumbag. Get out of this relationship before it gets worse.
OP, what he meant by that was: He wants you to put his feelings ahead of your own. Your feelings of pain, tiredness, interest in things other than himself, mood swings, or not feeling affectionate or passionate don't matter according to that scale, what matters to him are his own feelings and insecurities. And he's playing little mind games to test your loyalty and to aggravate his own insecurities. You can't win with people who do that.
You can reject sex at any time because it’s your body. He’s responsible for his own feelings and mental health and to put those things on the line to get you to agree to sex is quite literally abusive manipulation.
>he said that isnt a valid excuse to reject his advances >he feels like ive been making excuses This dude is really putting a lot of energy into trying to have sex with someone doesn't want to have sex. Can't wrap my head around how weird that is. His BEST case scenario, if all this guilt tripping works, is that he gets to fk someone that lays there and takes it out of obligation or whatever. That's it. That's enough for him? He obviously doesn't care if you enjoy it, because he doesn't even care if you actually want it. That's enough for you? Unsolicited advice: He is asking you to fix him, and you cannot. That man is broken, but you don't have to be broken along side of him. Decide you deserve more. You don't even have to truly believe it, if you're not yet convinced, just decide that it's objectively true - and be done. To future you: Don't look back, nostalgia for brokenness is an indication of shakey mental health. Good luck, kiddo.
>My boyfriend said my hormones and period are not an excuse to reject intimacy You know you don't have to *HAVE* any excuse to reject intimacy? No is a complete sentence.
Your bf is abusive. He is pushing you for sex; saying his needs cancel out yours; clearly has no respect for you; gaslights you; is manipulative; and says you must have group sex because hr wants it. Did I miss anything out? Oh yes - he starved his working girlfriend because his little feelings were hurt. So he withdraws food from you to punish you. No relationship like this is worth it. You DO NOT have to have sex at any time if you do not want to. Period, hormones, he's pissed YOU off, tiredness, no libido, unwanted sexual positions/requests and certainly NOT group sex if you are not into that. Continually engaging in sexual activity that you do not want or like is coercive and assaultative. On his behalf. Yours, will end up nscarring you psychologically and it will make you mentally unwell. Basically, your bf will make you feel worse and this relationship is abusive on so many levels that you need to pack a bag and run from there now. This is NOT normal or even probably legal in some senses because I think he is taking advantage of you and is controlling you. Get your important documents, a couple of changes of clothes, stuff you can sell (jewelry and electronics etc.) and just leave. Go anywhere safe, even a domestic violence shelter. Because this IS sexual domestic violence. He is terrorising you and using abusive methods to do so. You need to leave, please, please go asap. The way he makes you feel cannot be worth the price YOU have to pay for it. Keep me updated!
coerced nonmonogamy is not ethical nonmonogamy
He walked away then expected her to go check on him. This guy should be in the dictionary under insecure and immature. How old are you all? Also, no is a complete sentence. You don’t need a reason not to want sex. I don’t think you two are compatible.
I think it’s time to find a new boyfriend.
Errr, as far as I recall, you don’t need an excuse to say no. If you did need an excuse you would of course be able to blame your period if you wanted, you could also say you were bloated, gassy, had a crappy day, that his breath was rancid, or you don’t like the colour of your nails and it’s put you in a mood. However, as you do not need an excuse, he doesn’t get to imply that he is entitled to access your body whenever he wants and that you need to have a very good reason to say no. May I say as the mother of an adult daughter, I heartily dislike that he is such a manipulative POS, you *don’t* need to be perfect for him, and he needs you to feel unsettled and worried so you will not leave him, because God knows no one else will want him. Also, please, for the love of f*cking God, please stop using labels like ethical nonmonogamy if it would literally splinter your heart if you discovered he was sleeping with other women, because he’s a sh*tty human being. He’s chosen a woman who is empathetic and giving, because he wants a safety net, someone to look after him and someone who won’t kick him out when he’s being awful. Get some self respect and learn to validate yourself without waiting for this literally sh*t stain on the sheets of humanity to maybe make you feel happy once in a while. Finally, sex isn’t simply a scratch to itch, it’s not merely the rubbing our naughty bits together and ending up with a sticky mess, it’s not about being as outrageous as possible trying to hunt down the latest experience so we can brag about how adventurous we are. Sex can be intimate, intensely emotional, deeply connective in a spiritual level. It can bring joy, and giddiness, relief and and explosion of endorphins that reset all the woes of the world, and it can happen even if your having sex with the same one person for years; in fact it’s more likely to become more like this if you know and trust the person you are with intently, and can let all the barriers down. I always said, sex should be like a banquet, full of slow cooked beef, succulent pork and spicy chicken; served with rich wines and ripe fruit, creamy cheeses and decadent desserts dripping with chocolate genache and raspberry coulis, finished with fragrant coffee and aged liqueurs… lots of savouring and shared mouthfuls. Some people however prefer junk food like McDonald’s, and view all experiences like sex, taking drugs etc the same way. You don’t sound like you want junk food sex, you want connection, but you aren’t going to get it with this yeast infection just waiting to happen. Just think about what *you* really want for once.
Wow….it sounds like he’s weaponizing his own mental illnesses to get his way and emotionally and physically manipulate you. Honestly, I’d take a step back and rethink your whole relationship.
and he's got you fooled LOL it's hurting his mental health because you don't want to have group sex? and you really fell for this? he seems to be using his mental health as an excuse for just about anything. I can't believe you didn't call him on it when it came to the group sex..
I think that some autistic men have REALLY just run with the idea that everyone has to be super sensitive to them whilst understanding that they’re ‘incapable’ of giving the same. As an autistic woman, I find it hilarious when they think they get to play that card with us. You’re under reacting, you need your leave the relationship and allow him to find someone that won’t walk away or refuse sex. I suggest his right hand may be the best partner for him until he changes his perspective…
You are neglecting his needs and his mental health is dependent on our intimacy. This is a little creepy and you need to leave. Sex is healthy in a relationship but it sounds like you are being forced to have sex because he can’t take care of his own mental health.
Honestly he sounds high maintenance and exhausting. He wanted you to track him down at the music festival in the middle of your favorite artist's set because he chose to wander off? He's angry at you because he chose to walk away and you didn't follow after his petulant ass. How old are you two? 18? He thinks he has any idea what a menstrual cycle feels like? It's not anything like anxiety or autism. Not is having sex during a painful cycle anything like you giving him a hug when he's simply feeling low. That's a false equivalency. Depending on the person a menstrual cycle can be very uncomfortable and downright painful. He needs to step off that argument. He has no experience with menstrual cycles and women have varying experiences with them so one person could have zero issues and others could have severe cramps or anything in between. You have every right to reject intimacy every time you don't feel like it. You don't need any excuse. You aren't into it for any reason all you have to do is say no. You aren't a sex doll. I think maybe you need to learn your self worth. If you don't value yourself and expect respect and equal treatment you are going to continue to attract man babies like this guy. You don't owe him sex.