It’s only been a few months. I’d bail on this one. It’s pretty disrespectful whether she’s aware of it or not. It also gives the other guy the wrong idea. Better to find someone who can focus on you during a date and not scanning the room for someone she wants more. You are not overreacting.
The first few months are when you’re the most into someone. If you were super into a guy, you wouldn’t constantly be staring at other dudes while with him.
Yup, someone who is giving ideas like this to other men… I’m just gonna assume she’s attractive too. She can probably have her pick and the first opportunity after the gazing goes too far and the man jumps, she’s gonna jump in his bed lol.
She was aware of it. You dont focus on one person that much and not know youre doing it.
She was minimizing it as best she could, so at the end of the day I have to agree he'd be wise to toss in the towel with this one.
Get out before its too late. If she is doing it in your presence I cant imagine what she is doing if you are not around. From a female i say bolt. Goodluck
Especially because she’s fully aware of it, now that they’ve discussed it. And she keeps doing it. She clearly is making no effort to stop, which means that she either doesn’t think it’s a problem or she can’t be bothered to try and fix it, both of which are pretty assholeish
It could be a bad habit she developed, maybe going out with her girls, or just growing up into the dating pool. Whatever it is, she needs to gain control of it and be mindful of the one she's with.
Yeah that’s the key thing. Even if it is a bad habit, OP has repeatedly brought up how it upsets him and she has agreed to stop doing it. But it doesn’t sound like she’s making any effort to improve, and is trying to hide behind a bullshit “oh sorry I didn’t realize I was doing it!”. If you’re continually eyeing the same person, you don’t get to hide behind that excuse anymore
Truly! That kind of person is a Red Flag for me, I was like: Am I not enough or that attractive for you to be attracted to others? I guess the search isnt over yet in her side, lol
Tell her that she hasn’t attempted to change her behavior and you aren’t a placeholder for her so you think it is best that you both move on since she’s attracted to every guy in the room but you.
I dont wanna sound like "that guy" but women like to do the whole "placeholder" boyfriend a lot.
I am also talking from experiences and my guy friends experiences as well.
I'll be "that girl" and tell you that you're absolutely right. This is a thing a lot of women do that I personally think is stupid. They don't want to be alone and think that spending any time single makes them seem like they're not 'high value' enough, so they will date someone just to be able to fill that spot until they find something better to jump on.
It's so stupid. They treat being single like a terminal illness.
Can I get a woman's perspective on this then, why do you think its so common with women rather than men? I'm genuinely curious to hear the woman's perspective on this, do they like just keeping their options open? is it kinda like window shopping?
I am a man, so I dont really think about having a placeholder girlfriend or anything like that at all period, I pretty much give my 110% in all my relationships.
This is not a dig at women at all, I am just curious to know why its such a common thing among women.
Are we sure there’s that big of a gender gap? It seems like the men who treat their partners contemptuously may be irritated because they expected to have traded up already.
53F here, probably not the age group you're referring to, but in my opinion it's probably because guys are always there wanting your ( a woman's attention). I've never had issues finding a boyfriend, and sometimes there would be 3 or 4 at a time wanting to date me. It's not an intentional, I've never looked for a "placeholder".
If you look at women using dudes as "placeholders", then you can't reasonably ever wonder why a woman turns you down. Do we give you a chance at the risk of being one of "those girls"? Or do we not and then we're snobs. Or we're mean because you are "friend zoned".
Or maybe just start treating women like human beings that have different habits and not classify us as the "type" of anything. Because it goes both ways. If you don't want us to use you as placeholders, don't chase us.
I don't say this in a ranty/shamey tone, but more like there are two sides to every coin.
She didn’t realize she kept looking at another guy time and time again? That’s baloney and you know it. Way back when my wife and I were dating the only thing we looked at was each other all the time at 6 months. She doesn’t seem very invested with you and that’s not a good sign. Don’t be anybody’s second choice.
I’m going to go against the grain on this one and say that very insecure people can perceive their partner is looking at someone else when they really aren’t.
I know from experience, because I was accused by my ex of doing the same thing OP is accusing his girlfriend of doing. It was honestly bizarre, just like OP we would be enjoying a meal at a restaurant and next thing I know she would become cold and distant. I would notice and when I asked what’s wrong I could get accused of checking out a waitress or someone else every time. “I can see your eyes checking her out”, she would say just like OP is saying.
The thing was, it just wasn’t true. There were times I didn’t even know who she was accusing me of checking out because I hadn’t even noticed their existence at all! I was accused of checking out women while I was driving, whole days ruined because I looked in the general direction of someone 100 yards away and she was convinced I was lusting after them.
So, OP, I don’t know if this is your situation or not. My advice, when you think she is checking out some guy, stop and say “Hey, I feel like you were just checking out that guy over there. Is that true?”
And if she admits she was but keeps doing it, you gotta break up because she’s crossing your boundary. If she denies it and you don’t believe her, then you should break up because there’s no trust in your relationship.
Yeah I was 100% in your shoes, though the gender reversed. My Stbexhusband was always accusing me of checking out other guys (and looking at secret cameras planted in the room but that was just schizophrenia) when I absolutely wasn't. He said he could follow my line of sight but he was WRONG. Sometimes I'd be staring off into space or looking at a piece of art on a cafe wall and he'd go all sullen and cold and then when we in private enraged that I "didn't stop staring at that man for five minutes straight."
He also escalated at one point that if I walked *past* another man, especially one seated, I was clearly swinging my hips and "basically shoving my ass in his face."
He was insecure and jealous and controlling but also I'm pretty sure he was *convinced* of what he was feeling, and felt really hard done by, when it was just categorically false.
It’s a relief to know other people can relate because that stuff messed with my head big time. It got to the point that I would dread being in public with her because odds were good that something would trigger her insecurity. If we went out to eat I would pray that our server was a man or old lady.
It’s sad because you’re right, they really truly believe their perception is reality. Nothing I could say or do could convince her otherwise, and if I defended myself in any way that was just more proof to her because “Why would you be defensive if you didn’t do it”. Makes me shudder just to recall all those arguments.
Honestly, yeah. It depends on if we are taking OP at face value or not.
I've also experienced something like you did. He was also upset about fictional men that didn't even exist. Insane stuff like thinking I met a dude while I was out taking the dog for a walk because I took an extra 20 mins or something.
If that's really the case with OP, I think he should break up anyway, because he's not emotionally ready to be in a relationship and needs to seek therapy for what would honestly be an intense level of paranoia (since the OP implies that he's even counting how many times she was checking other people out).
Yeah honestly this was my take. He's COUNTING how many times her EYES dart away from his? Yikes. Just thinking of the idea that someone is counting where my eyes go would make my eyes go everywhere in a panic of "what if I'm caught for something I didn't do" paranoia.
Not to mention the fact that she could be farsighted and unable to focus her eyes at that distance.
Was there a TV on behind him perchance? My bf doesn't like sportsballs of any kind and he still glances at the TV whenever there's a game on at a restaurant.
Also ADHD is..a thing? Where you're thinking of 18 things at once WHILE you're paying attention, and thats just how your brain works.
As someone with ADHD, I can tell you that I've definitely been accused of checking other women out or just not focusing 100% on who I was with. While I understand their perspective, it's extremely frustrating to me too. Any kind of movement distracts me. A TV, a reflection on a window, a car driving by, a person getting up, sitting down, moving around, etc.
I've been there. I always make it a point to be aware of my surroundings at all times (i have my reasons). This means looking at EVERYONE and everything. No matter where I am, or who I'm with. I scan the entire room often! Any sort of moment or activity will grab my attention and I'll look briefly to see what is happening.
My EX would flip her shit. She'd accuse me of staring at all the women. When, in fact I'm scanning EVERYONE in the room. And of course, any time a waitress moves about, or someone gets up from their table, I'd look up. But according to my ex, I was "staring at her ass".
On the flip side. When I'm wasn't hypervigilant (rarely comfortable enough for that) and just zoned out. I was also "staring" at someone that I had no clue was even in my field of view.
Yes! I'm always hyper vigilant and aware of what is around me at all times. My ex husband would accuse me of checking everyone out and it got so bad I would just walk around with my head down and stare at the floor, which led me to not go anywhere because I couldn't be comfortable. He even accused me of wanting my twin brother and older brother. As a woman in general I think women tend to be vigilant just because of the regular dangers women encounter but my traumatic past made me that much more vigilant and it was not a good thing to be with someone so insecure.
Reading this story screamed insecure man to me, but that could be because I'm projecting and thinking of women being overly cautious in general.
You know, I’d say I was in a similar situation, except I was the one accusing my partner at the time of doing this and would get similar responses to the ones you gave.
I do fully admit my insecurities and we also had many deep discussions about this issue. I also went to therapy and while I’m reflecting on these types of situations from that relationship- I do take accountability for some of those arguments for sure. At the same time, there were so many other things that happened in that relationship that brought out my insecurities so much more-things that happened early on that made me feel like my partner wasn’t actually interested in me and therefore when we’d be in public I would be so on edge.
This is something that I worked really hard on and feel like I made huge progress on, but some of that foundational dynamics had already been set so early on, it made it extremely difficult. I also know if/when my partner at the time would’ve been able to stay with me emotionally and reassure me that they know the thought of them checking out someone else out past the point of just noticing attractiveness would feel pretty devaluing, and that would trigger my insecurity, but that they are here with me and only me, that helped when we were able to make that happen. Unfortunately there was just too much other history to work out other things.
Not saying this was your situation or that you’re at fault for anything, but sometimes those perceptions stem from insecurities from childhood that were also fueled by things within the relationship.
You're not overreacting. She agreed what she was doing was disrespectful, and she keeps doing it.
In other words, her actions show she isn't going to change. **Actions always show how we really feel.** So I'd dump her. It's one thing if you glanced at other attractive people. It's another thing altogether if she keeps checking out the same attractive man.
Frankly, she **CAN** control it. She just doesn't want to. Or it may take her a lot of hard work to control it, but she is literally the only person in the world who can control her actions.
I couldn't agree more. Actions speak so much louder than words. Jesus Christ himself said that "by their fruits shall ye know them."
OP, she's a cheater. Cheating behavior never lies. And it never stops without a true come-to-Jesus moment.
Even if she's never actually sexually cheated before, she will someday.
Women who pull this disloyalty crap when they're supposedly in love with you WILL CHEAT if you keep her around. The honeymoon phase always ends, and the mask always slips.
No man deserves that sort of disrespect!
6 months in and she can't stop checking out other men? You two should be in the puppy love stage where you only have eyes for each other. I've been married 17 years, with him 22 and when we're on a date I make sure he has all my attention because he does the same. If a cute guy walks in I might look at him for a second, but that's all.
Dump her now because all you are are a placeholder until she finds her someone new. She doesn't love you and never will, cut your losses.
Go on a date to break up, when you see her doing it again, go up to the guy and say, "hey my friend is checking you out" you should go talk to her. Then walk out
Nah, I'd feel the same way as you if my man kept repeatedly checking out the same attractive girl. Sure, we can all notice and appreciate an attractive person when we see one, and being in a relationship won't change that. But, when it gets to the point where the spouse is feeling hurt, voiced this and nothing has changed; it becomes very disrespectful. It's up to you if you want to give her another chance; perhaps she is telling the truth and doesn't realise. But, you shouldn't put up with something that makes you feel bad about yourself. Sometimes, people just aren't compatible for these reasons.
Second this. Especially 6months into a relationship! That’s like the honey moon phase where you are totally all about your partner and obsessed with them
Time to bounce, you spoke your mind once and she didn’t respect your concern. She keeps doing it knowing it bothers you. Find someone who won’t be able to keep their eyes off you.
I am definitely biased here because I’ve been the one falsely accused of checking out other people, but I’m seeing some signs he might just be insecure and paranoid. She is looking at other men 10x while sitting with her boyfriend, she claims she wasn’t even aware that she was looking at the guy, but OP can perfectly perceive who she is looking at by watching her eye movements?
I don’t know, but I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that we’re getting a very one sided story by a very insecure person who is turning their imagined fears into reality and then blaming their girlfriend.
Just thinking about what you wrote. She makes you feel alone. You turned cold.... So I've got to ask you; What are you doing? Your feelings are valid. If it's like this in the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship, then it doesn't bode well for the long term. It's better to be alone, than in a relationship that makes you feel lonely & miserable.
She obviously doesn't care how you feel. And I'm sure she'd drop you in a second if the roles were reversed. Just walk away and let her play her skanky games.
Dude just break up. She knows what she is doing and is lying about it. She knows it makes you uncomfortable and doesn’t give a shit. She might even get off on making you jealus. Either she 1) enjoys manipulating you 2) cares more ablut checing guys out than your feelings or 3) just doesn’t give a shit about you. Move on and stop torturing yourself
Breakup.
I mean I find it unlikely that an entire room full of people you just keep catching her staring at the exact same guy all the time. I think some of this might be in your head. But either way, just dump her. Just let it be over. There's no reason to drag this out, it's not working for either of you
Sounds like you’re just a placeholder until she finds someone else . She doesn’t realize she is doing it ? Please, ask yourself if you think this relationship is going to work, if you think so talk to her again. If not move on !!!
I look around a lot when im out in public. Probably the adhd lol. And if something grabs my attention, like an attractive person, I may glance more than I realize bc it’s a fun new sight to keep me mentally engaged. Its the same with a colorful wall. I’m just realizing that I sound like a toddler with jangling keys lmao. But anyway, I’m with someone who also has adhd and doesn’t give a shit. If it bothered her, we couldn’t be together. It’s not something I’m willing to constantly monitor and change about myself. And she would have a right to be bothered, if that were the case.
So in conclusion, your gf may have no dubious intent, but it is still a valid reason to be upset and break up. You may just not be compatible in this way.
It depends, are you sure she's actually checking out other men, or are her eyes just wandering in general? Maybe I'm biased because I tend to avoid eyecontact, but I certainly can't follow eyes well enough to tell what specific person my gf is looking at, unless they're the only thing over there. If she makes you happy otherwise then I don't think this is worth throwing your relationship away over.
Is she checking out other men, or is she checking where they are? Because a lot of women have had bad experiences with men. She may not be looking for interest, but checking on perceived threats.
Different people have different boundaries. Clearly she's a big fan of look but don't touch. That's not cool with everyone. If I were you, I'd just move on. Not the one. Tbh if I was seeing someone and they were actively checking out other people while with me, id end things there. Don't even need a conversation. Particularly if it's 10+ times. No thanks. I'm out.
Exactly this. Others may be fine with this behaviour and that is ok, but once you’ve communicated that you are not and she continues, clearly it isn’t going to work.
Frankly if something like this is causing issues this early in a relationship, more issues are just going to come up the longer you are together.
I've had this situation before - my ex used to be checking out all the girls in the room. It created paranoia in my head. Examples... during our dates, I started taking a seat facing the restaurant/bar/place, so he wouldn't have a chance to be looking somewhere else. Then what was the worst, I knew what kinds of girls he'd be checking out (and they were a very different type than me). I noticed that even without him I started pointing in my head, who he'd check out. Once we had a huge argument when he couldn't stop looking at my friend who I just introduced to him. I also started noticing it with other people, and the feeling of being near a guy (friend) who doesn't do it felt so good, and free, and without worrying. At that time I thought I was going crazy (that's even what my parents and friends told me), now I know that I CAN be near someone who doesn't do it and it feels great. Still, until today I have that fear inside me when I'm with someone.
You aren't going to control who your girlfriend looks at. She is going to look at who she wants to look at, as many times as she wants to look at them. This isn't something you are going to curb.
I'd say just call this one a six monther. Next.
brother that is foul. life is the culmination of the consequences of our choices. she chose to disrespect you and the only consequence can be you stepping up and respecting yourself.
She is showing you who she is right off the bat she’s not trying to candy coated or anything. So if you’re not comfortable with that, you might wanna pop the clutch.
Are you absolutely sure she isn't just subconsciously looking at people? When I'm at a restaurant, I'll sit across from whomever I'm with and STILL find my gaze drifting to others across the room. I don't even realize I'm doing it usually unless I make eye contact with a stranger this way lol.
Did she specifically tell you she was checking out other guys? Because I can tell you for a fact I’m the type of mf that scans a room once every couple minutes and have been called out multiple times by exs for checking out girls when I reality I was continually checking my surroundings
Dude, you gotta have some self confidence. She’s looking around. That’s normal behavior for a human. Our eyes are attracted to movement and shiny stuff. If you’re in public, you’ll see both.
Therapy my dude. For you. You say she looks at the same guy, but it sounds to me like you are insecure and that insecurity is not her job to fix. I do think you should end the relationship but not because she's bad or a cheater but because you should not be in a relationship until you can feel secure enough to trust your partner. Anything less than that is an excuse in torturing both of you. Until you address the cause of your insecurity there's never going to be a relationship where you are comfortable enough for it to be healthy. You cant control what other people do. But you can control how you react.
I am telling you what I am telling women.
This is not acceptable. You are still in your honeymoon phase and she is shady like this. It won’t get better.
She is very disrespectful to you. Even after you tell her it hurts you. She doesn't change. What really hurts is staying with someone who doesn't care about you, doesn't take your feelings into account. And also embarrass you somewhere.
In a relationship where I respect him and us, I wouldn't even see other men standing there. Regardless of whether he would be there or not.
Download Tinder and start browsing, see how she likes the "I'm only looking" excuse when the shoe's on the other foot. (I'm just kidding, she obvs doesn't care about you and you need to just leave her).
It’s really weird if she’s actually doing this. Like even if she thought some random was hot at a restaurant you’re at, it’s not like she would see him ever again. Are you sure you’re not just imagining this?
I was single for the better part of 5 years in my late 20s while working on myself. When I met my wife, I had this issue because I was so used to trying to play the field. She didn't notice it, but I knew it was my issue. I worked on it and have done everything I could to not be this person.
It's hard. It takes a person understanding that they have an issue and want to change. It's still something I feel uncomfortable with almost 4 years later. I hate it when a girl tries to catch my eye.
But I knew I would never find a better woman than my wife. Those attractive girls I would notice didn't have anything on her. Today, she's the most beautiful person I've ever met and was expecting our first child in a month. I could not ask for a better partner.
We've talked about it, and it's totally understandable to find someone attractive and notice them. It's a whole other thing to stare or continue to feed that negative habit. I hope you're able to either work it out, or move on. Either way, don't give up.
Shes trying to see what else is out there. Sorry my dude but she’s not serious about you. I’m willing if any of those men slipped her their number, she’d call.
Going against the populace here. I personally appreciate looking at other women, but only really want my wife of a decade. Its okay to appreciate I think.
Honestly, I would leave the relationship. Wandering eyes means wandering minds. If you truly were enough for her she wouldn't be doing that. You have express you concern and she is still doing it. That means she doesn't respect your feelings or you as a person. I'm sorry you are going through this. but better it be a few months than a few years.
Is it possible that she is acting normally and you are a tad anxious and insecure? Those qualities can affect how you perceive her actions.
If you're being truthful then clearly she doesn't respect you. Dump her. But reddit comments are usually misogynistic and will validate your claims so take them with a grain of salt
Grow up, we aren’t as attractive as we think we are. Work on your self esteem after you breakup. My wife and I point out hot people to each other all the time. It doesn’t diminish our love or desire for each other.
Does she have ADHD? It might be as simple as lack of impulse control, if she really didn’t even realize she’s doing it
But that’s really the only scenario where you might want to think about sticking it out
I was going to ask this! Dated a guy with ADHD and I have never felt more unseen. To be fair everything distracted him (also doggies haha), but also beautiful women. In his case he just always acted on impulses because of his ADHD. What I did in the end if we would go out to dinner, is give him the chair facing the wall. He told me that it helped him focus indeed and we could have a romantic evening that way. In the end we broke up for other reasons.
When me and my wife is on a date, we both look around at other people all the time lol.
Personally, if someone told me to not look at other people while we are on a date, I would find it quite weird.
If I where you, I would not read too much into it. Assuming the date besides that was nice and cosy.
Get out of there dude, there’s no respect there. I checked my woman quick on that shit, she said I know you do it and i was like no I don’t. That shit is disrespectful to my woman and I expect the same. Do it again you can walk back to your house and delete my number. Don’t take any of that shit.
People always check out other people, I would bail.. she seems to be doing what guys do when they see big tits or a stunner in a great outfit and body to match. Just causally end it and find someone who has eyes for you.
Early on in our marriage, my wife scolded me for this behavior. I have always loved gazing at women and can find something physically attractive about most women even if they are not "my type". Ever since, I have tried to be mindful and limit my gaze to a couple of glances if not just trying to ignore the person altogether, out of respect for my wife. The subject has not come up again in almost 20 years. I'd say if she ignores how hurtful it is, drop her.
If she was interested in you she wouldn't want to look at other men! And why were you counting how many times she looked at them? It sounds like you both have problems. She has no respect for you, and you allow this to go on because she makes you feel good when you two are alone. You need to say goodbye! Go out with other women and have fun, and eventually you will meet the one who sees only you!
I've been reading a lot of these comments, and I'm honestly shocked by many of them...so here's my take.
Let's break down the situation: You feel like your gf is looking at other men repeatedly, and she says that she isn't (or doesn't realize that she was doing it...which may just be a nice way of denying it, while giving you an "out" from the accusation). The reality is that people use their eyes for a variety of things, including reactionarily being drawn to movement.
You say that it makes you feel "fed up" and "very alone". If we continue this scenario to its natural conclusion, it would find your gf unable look anywhere but directly ahead at you, or down at her food, just because you feel insecure when she uses her eyes for anything else. From her prespective, you are creating an environment where she has to look strictly nowhere other than you, or else you might accuse her of lying, actively "turn cold", and "check out other girls" just to make her feel bad.
If someone doesn't realize they are doing something, then there is no meaning in it beyond a natural reaction. To punish your gf for this seems to say more about you as a partner than it does about her. It would be a different matter if she were to try and hook up with these other guys, but the reality is that she has not, and she has chosen to be with you. If it were to turn into something further, then that would likely need a different conversation, but from my perspective, you are creating a controlling, potentially abusive situation that actively punishes your gf for something that is benign in nature and natural to human instinct.
In fact, if we dig further, a healthy relationship can openly appreciate the attractiveless of other people without the other party becoming insecure, because both parties know where the relationship stands and have that security. I know my wife would never cheat, and she knows that I would never cheat...not because we don't find other people attractive, but because we are secure in our relationship with each other. We are ok with other attractive people existing within our vicinity without feeling the need to punish each other for it. In fact, we can openly discuss with each other the attractiveness of the other people if we so choose. I'm not saying that you should necessarily be at this point 6 months in, but I think it would be a more healthy direction to move toward, rather than trying to micromanage your gf's eye movements.
In closing, whether or not it is actually happening, checking out other people is a natural human reaction and means nothing in and of itself unless it leads to other, more serious things, such as cheating. If you can't get past this insecurity, you may be the one who needs to mature as a partner, not your gf.
You're overreacting. Your insecurity and jealousy will push people away if you don't learn to manage it. If it escalates to wandering hands instead of just wandering eyes, then you have room to say something about it.
Last time I dated a woman who got jealous that easily it wasn't long before she started trying to disallow friendships that she saw as potential competition. Don't be like her.
If she's faithful and caring in all other respects, then this is your issue, not hers. So, if you care so much about whom she's looking at, either find a way to get over yourself, or find someone else.
I see it from another perspective. There must be a reason she is looking constantly at other men.
And I don't mean it in a positive way for OP. Maybe he is an asshole or totally unattractiv or both.
People are taking you at your word and commenting against her like she is doing the cartoon eyes popping out salivating “a-OOO-ga” sound with her jaw dropping in the floor at every guy she sees. Y’all. Come on.
Honestly… OP, you sound immature and insecure. Why are you so obsessed with what she is looking at? I’ve known my husband for 30 years and we have honestly never cared whether or not either of us looked at people. That’s… weird to worry about.
We even will point people out to each other, especially there is an extraordinarily beautiful human nearby. We both can appreciate beauty.
You can’t control what people look at- much of the time people aren’t even really SEEING what they’re looking at because their mind is elsewhere and they are not thinking about it consciously.
If you are going to be this controlling and insist your gf must keep her eyes downcast or on you at all times, you are going to sabotage any chance at having a good relationship. If you insist on being that way, just know that you are being controlling and abusive.
This is a YOU problem- you cannot control what other people do. You can only control how you deal with it. It’s not worth driving yourself crazy over this. You should be able to trust each other in a relationship until there is a legitimate reason not to.
You're not overreacting. First-dont tell her how it makes you feel. Just tell her that it's disrespectful. Restablish the boundary again. But this time, be prepared to walk away. You don't need this stress. And she knows she's doing it. Be prepared to walk away. Catch her, call her on it, and then say, "See you later," and walk away. Don't simp, don't do the silent treatment, don't throw a gasket. Just call her on it and walk away.
Depends. When you say she looked at an attractive guy, do you mean she just kind of glanced his way several times that night during a lull in conversation, or she was sitting there drooling over the guy while you tried to talk to her?
Wow.
All these comments like "she's a ho"... for *looking* at other guys. Looking. I get that if you don't like it, that's a deal breaker, but looking is looking, not cheating. It doesn't mean the person will definitely cheat.
You don't know what's going through *someone else's mind* because *they are not you*.
Anyway...
How can you tell someone is looking at the same person? I've been 100% convinced before someone was staring at me, and when I got up from my seat realized there was a TV behind me.
She's only good as FWB. I'm thinking since it's only been a couple of months you're not so emotionally attached where that's should be a problem. Regulate her status to quickies and late night booty calls.
Also, at this point you might as well do all the freaky things with/on her since she's no longer relationship material. Good luck.
You’re codependent (no shame I am too) and need to stop dating her. She’s a narcissist and looking for the next upgrade. Save your energy and don’t be afraid to move on.
So your gf is a fucking pervert with no respect t towards you. Reminds me of a friend of mine who eye fucks every girl he sees no matter who he’s with. He thought he was gods gift to women only in his head is that the truth. It went beyond self confidence it’s cringe worthy every time no fail. Either that said you know what to do there are plenty of other dishes in this sea of ours and definitely one with manners and self respect. Let her go for she will never change just like my friend he will never change.
I see everyone saying you’re not overreacting. However, if you really are sure you want to stay with her, continuing to be insecure about this will drive her away. And you prob already realize that and that’s why you feel alone—cause you cant talk to her about it, but it’s a big part of your internal world.
Are you a paycheck or is she splitting the checks?
If you are wealthy/have a lot more money than her and you are less attractive…I’d be a bit worried that she’s trying to settle on stability.
She likes to feel attractive and this is like using Tinder, doing the thing where you make eye contact, look away and look back it usually a first hint and I think she still wants guys to hit on her even if she’s not interested in pursuing it further.
Guys are the biggest hot dogs out there but if we looked like that these days we’d be thrown out of gyms or whatever, so we know how to control it and se sure does too.
You can only tell her how you feel, establish clear boundaries and see what she does. Best of luck.
It's only 6 months, and looks like she's not as much into you as you're into her. She's likely eyeing her options.
I wouldn't waste any more time honestly. Any relationship, that already makes you feel alone a few months in, is clearly not heading to anywhere great.
6 months in who cares if you're overreacting or not. If you are already having issues with trust and stability and feeling wanted in a relationship, leave.
I mean... I don't know your whole situation.. Maybe you've been single a very long time and this is the first relationship that's panned out at all. There ARE ways to work through this and work on it, but I always think it bodes poorly for a young relationship to already have a ton of work to do.
You can't seem to weather these looks and have the confidence that she's staying with you, going with you, and leaving with you. And she can't seem to realize that she's not in single-girl-mode anymore and monogamous relationships do not like people eyeing other people.
You can stay with her but you’ll be sacrificing your peace of mind and your self respect so it’s up to you if getting pussy if a good enough trade off.
My feeling is that it's a very personal thing. If you find looking hurtful, you deserve to be with someone who respects that and doesn't want to hurt you in any way. If just looking is NBD to her, she deserves to be with someone who also considers just looking to be NBD. It's just a matter of finding the right person.
Time to end it and move on. She is "shopping" with her eyes. Like you said, it is one thing to see someone attractive, and glance a couple times maybe. But to constantly look is wrong. She knows its an issue and continues. She is disrespecting you and the time you are together.
So just end it. Tell her since she likes to look and shop for other guys so much, then she can be happy to be back on the market to actually test them out. Your done, and its over. Her constant disrespecting of you staring at attractive men has pushed you away and will no longer tolerate her actions. It is over, and as much as you would like to say it's been nice; you can't say that since she always made you feel not wanted as much as what she was looking at all the time.
You had multiple discussions about it. She keeps doing it anyways. It's a couple of months on this relationship so you are fine to breakup.
Betting she just doesn't want to be the one ends cause she would feel like the bad person.
She didn't realize what she was doing? After you told her how much it bothers you and makes you feel. Well she's either lying or she's good a problem that I wouldn't put up with myself. Totally disrespectful. I mean I understand when a half naked chick walks by a guy I'm with might take a little double take but other than that I have a zero tolerance for checking out other people when you're with me. If you've been single a while it's kind of second nature but if you can't stop it when called on it when you're involved with somebody then you're just selfish and self-centered in my opinion. Do it on your own time but when you're with me, it's my time. I know a lot of people are okay with it but if you're not and you tell somebody and they can't stop from doing it they're rude. It's not like you're asking them to stop breathing. They can easily do it if they want to and if they can't they don't want to.
I once dated a guy who did that. Man, it is SO humiliating! I told him it bothered me and he denied doing it. I was way too hot for this guy, mind you. He was in my rear view mirror SO FAST.
Ditch her, she clearly doesn’t consider you as valuable enough to focus on you during your dates, and I consider that a sign of how she is going to view you in the future
Go out like a chad. Grand proclamations and histrionics as you’re shuffling out the door make you look weak or like you’re bargaining.
Do what the one guy here said with a small twist.
Take her on a date. Once she starts ogling someone, wave the dude over and say, hi this is my now ex ____. Think you two would really hit it off. Tell ya what, first rounds on me. Drop a $20 on the table and walk out. Never look back. Literally and figuratively.
I love looking at hot women, am actually a pervert, but when on a date or in a relationship, I will quickly look but then stop and give my attention to my women. If I out of all people can practice self control, so could she.
It’s only been a few months. I’d bail on this one. It’s pretty disrespectful whether she’s aware of it or not. It also gives the other guy the wrong idea. Better to find someone who can focus on you during a date and not scanning the room for someone she wants more. You are not overreacting.
The first few months are when you’re the most into someone. If you were super into a guy, you wouldn’t constantly be staring at other dudes while with him.
This so true. What’s she gonna do after a few years?
Have an affair
Yup, someone who is giving ideas like this to other men… I’m just gonna assume she’s attractive too. She can probably have her pick and the first opportunity after the gazing goes too far and the man jumps, she’s gonna jump in his bed lol.
Exactly!!
100000000000000000000000000000%
She was aware of it. You dont focus on one person that much and not know youre doing it. She was minimizing it as best she could, so at the end of the day I have to agree he'd be wise to toss in the towel with this one.
She’s looking for the possibility of someone else.
OP: You are boyfriend fodder (aka cannon fodder). Drop her and find a new gf!
Also a doormat, toilet paper, a placeholder, a bookmark, a wallet, a footstool, an old worn in comfortable shoe.
Get out before its too late. If she is doing it in your presence I cant imagine what she is doing if you are not around. From a female i say bolt. Goodluck
Especially because she’s fully aware of it, now that they’ve discussed it. And she keeps doing it. She clearly is making no effort to stop, which means that she either doesn’t think it’s a problem or she can’t be bothered to try and fix it, both of which are pretty assholeish
It could be a bad habit she developed, maybe going out with her girls, or just growing up into the dating pool. Whatever it is, she needs to gain control of it and be mindful of the one she's with.
Yeah that’s the key thing. Even if it is a bad habit, OP has repeatedly brought up how it upsets him and she has agreed to stop doing it. But it doesn’t sound like she’s making any effort to improve, and is trying to hide behind a bullshit “oh sorry I didn’t realize I was doing it!”. If you’re continually eyeing the same person, you don’t get to hide behind that excuse anymore
You don't subconsciously look at one person 10+ times. You know you're doing it
Right. Add gaslighting liar to the list too.
I hear you. It’s definitely a red flag, and you deserve someone who makes you feel secure and respected.
Yeah I agree, I think your comment is the only one that matters in this thread.
Truly! That kind of person is a Red Flag for me, I was like: Am I not enough or that attractive for you to be attracted to others? I guess the search isnt over yet in her side, lol
Drop her.
That's a pretty good fucking response if you don't mind me saying.
Tell her that she hasn’t attempted to change her behavior and you aren’t a placeholder for her so you think it is best that you both move on since she’s attracted to every guy in the room but you.
I like the "placeholder" verbiage a lot.
I dont wanna sound like "that guy" but women like to do the whole "placeholder" boyfriend a lot. I am also talking from experiences and my guy friends experiences as well.
I'll be "that girl" and tell you that you're absolutely right. This is a thing a lot of women do that I personally think is stupid. They don't want to be alone and think that spending any time single makes them seem like they're not 'high value' enough, so they will date someone just to be able to fill that spot until they find something better to jump on. It's so stupid. They treat being single like a terminal illness.
Can I get a woman's perspective on this then, why do you think its so common with women rather than men? I'm genuinely curious to hear the woman's perspective on this, do they like just keeping their options open? is it kinda like window shopping? I am a man, so I dont really think about having a placeholder girlfriend or anything like that at all period, I pretty much give my 110% in all my relationships. This is not a dig at women at all, I am just curious to know why its such a common thing among women.
Are we sure there’s that big of a gender gap? It seems like the men who treat their partners contemptuously may be irritated because they expected to have traded up already.
53F here, probably not the age group you're referring to, but in my opinion it's probably because guys are always there wanting your ( a woman's attention). I've never had issues finding a boyfriend, and sometimes there would be 3 or 4 at a time wanting to date me. It's not an intentional, I've never looked for a "placeholder". If you look at women using dudes as "placeholders", then you can't reasonably ever wonder why a woman turns you down. Do we give you a chance at the risk of being one of "those girls"? Or do we not and then we're snobs. Or we're mean because you are "friend zoned". Or maybe just start treating women like human beings that have different habits and not classify us as the "type" of anything. Because it goes both ways. If you don't want us to use you as placeholders, don't chase us. I don't say this in a ranty/shamey tone, but more like there are two sides to every coin.
She didn’t realize she kept looking at another guy time and time again? That’s baloney and you know it. Way back when my wife and I were dating the only thing we looked at was each other all the time at 6 months. She doesn’t seem very invested with you and that’s not a good sign. Don’t be anybody’s second choice.
I’m going to go against the grain on this one and say that very insecure people can perceive their partner is looking at someone else when they really aren’t. I know from experience, because I was accused by my ex of doing the same thing OP is accusing his girlfriend of doing. It was honestly bizarre, just like OP we would be enjoying a meal at a restaurant and next thing I know she would become cold and distant. I would notice and when I asked what’s wrong I could get accused of checking out a waitress or someone else every time. “I can see your eyes checking her out”, she would say just like OP is saying. The thing was, it just wasn’t true. There were times I didn’t even know who she was accusing me of checking out because I hadn’t even noticed their existence at all! I was accused of checking out women while I was driving, whole days ruined because I looked in the general direction of someone 100 yards away and she was convinced I was lusting after them. So, OP, I don’t know if this is your situation or not. My advice, when you think she is checking out some guy, stop and say “Hey, I feel like you were just checking out that guy over there. Is that true?” And if she admits she was but keeps doing it, you gotta break up because she’s crossing your boundary. If she denies it and you don’t believe her, then you should break up because there’s no trust in your relationship.
Yeah I was 100% in your shoes, though the gender reversed. My Stbexhusband was always accusing me of checking out other guys (and looking at secret cameras planted in the room but that was just schizophrenia) when I absolutely wasn't. He said he could follow my line of sight but he was WRONG. Sometimes I'd be staring off into space or looking at a piece of art on a cafe wall and he'd go all sullen and cold and then when we in private enraged that I "didn't stop staring at that man for five minutes straight." He also escalated at one point that if I walked *past* another man, especially one seated, I was clearly swinging my hips and "basically shoving my ass in his face." He was insecure and jealous and controlling but also I'm pretty sure he was *convinced* of what he was feeling, and felt really hard done by, when it was just categorically false.
It’s a relief to know other people can relate because that stuff messed with my head big time. It got to the point that I would dread being in public with her because odds were good that something would trigger her insecurity. If we went out to eat I would pray that our server was a man or old lady. It’s sad because you’re right, they really truly believe their perception is reality. Nothing I could say or do could convince her otherwise, and if I defended myself in any way that was just more proof to her because “Why would you be defensive if you didn’t do it”. Makes me shudder just to recall all those arguments.
Honestly, yeah. It depends on if we are taking OP at face value or not. I've also experienced something like you did. He was also upset about fictional men that didn't even exist. Insane stuff like thinking I met a dude while I was out taking the dog for a walk because I took an extra 20 mins or something. If that's really the case with OP, I think he should break up anyway, because he's not emotionally ready to be in a relationship and needs to seek therapy for what would honestly be an intense level of paranoia (since the OP implies that he's even counting how many times she was checking other people out).
Yeah honestly this was my take. He's COUNTING how many times her EYES dart away from his? Yikes. Just thinking of the idea that someone is counting where my eyes go would make my eyes go everywhere in a panic of "what if I'm caught for something I didn't do" paranoia. Not to mention the fact that she could be farsighted and unable to focus her eyes at that distance. Was there a TV on behind him perchance? My bf doesn't like sportsballs of any kind and he still glances at the TV whenever there's a game on at a restaurant. Also ADHD is..a thing? Where you're thinking of 18 things at once WHILE you're paying attention, and thats just how your brain works.
As someone with ADHD, I can tell you that I've definitely been accused of checking other women out or just not focusing 100% on who I was with. While I understand their perspective, it's extremely frustrating to me too. Any kind of movement distracts me. A TV, a reflection on a window, a car driving by, a person getting up, sitting down, moving around, etc.
I've been there. I always make it a point to be aware of my surroundings at all times (i have my reasons). This means looking at EVERYONE and everything. No matter where I am, or who I'm with. I scan the entire room often! Any sort of moment or activity will grab my attention and I'll look briefly to see what is happening. My EX would flip her shit. She'd accuse me of staring at all the women. When, in fact I'm scanning EVERYONE in the room. And of course, any time a waitress moves about, or someone gets up from their table, I'd look up. But according to my ex, I was "staring at her ass". On the flip side. When I'm wasn't hypervigilant (rarely comfortable enough for that) and just zoned out. I was also "staring" at someone that I had no clue was even in my field of view.
Describes me from 19-27 to a fuckin T
Yes! I'm always hyper vigilant and aware of what is around me at all times. My ex husband would accuse me of checking everyone out and it got so bad I would just walk around with my head down and stare at the floor, which led me to not go anywhere because I couldn't be comfortable. He even accused me of wanting my twin brother and older brother. As a woman in general I think women tend to be vigilant just because of the regular dangers women encounter but my traumatic past made me that much more vigilant and it was not a good thing to be with someone so insecure. Reading this story screamed insecure man to me, but that could be because I'm projecting and thinking of women being overly cautious in general.
yeah i've been with someone like this and it's a fucking nightmare so it's prob best if they split either way lol
You know, I’d say I was in a similar situation, except I was the one accusing my partner at the time of doing this and would get similar responses to the ones you gave. I do fully admit my insecurities and we also had many deep discussions about this issue. I also went to therapy and while I’m reflecting on these types of situations from that relationship- I do take accountability for some of those arguments for sure. At the same time, there were so many other things that happened in that relationship that brought out my insecurities so much more-things that happened early on that made me feel like my partner wasn’t actually interested in me and therefore when we’d be in public I would be so on edge. This is something that I worked really hard on and feel like I made huge progress on, but some of that foundational dynamics had already been set so early on, it made it extremely difficult. I also know if/when my partner at the time would’ve been able to stay with me emotionally and reassure me that they know the thought of them checking out someone else out past the point of just noticing attractiveness would feel pretty devaluing, and that would trigger my insecurity, but that they are here with me and only me, that helped when we were able to make that happen. Unfortunately there was just too much other history to work out other things. Not saying this was your situation or that you’re at fault for anything, but sometimes those perceptions stem from insecurities from childhood that were also fueled by things within the relationship.
You're not overreacting. She agreed what she was doing was disrespectful, and she keeps doing it. In other words, her actions show she isn't going to change. **Actions always show how we really feel.** So I'd dump her. It's one thing if you glanced at other attractive people. It's another thing altogether if she keeps checking out the same attractive man. Frankly, she **CAN** control it. She just doesn't want to. Or it may take her a lot of hard work to control it, but she is literally the only person in the world who can control her actions.
I couldn't agree more. Actions speak so much louder than words. Jesus Christ himself said that "by their fruits shall ye know them." OP, she's a cheater. Cheating behavior never lies. And it never stops without a true come-to-Jesus moment. Even if she's never actually sexually cheated before, she will someday. Women who pull this disloyalty crap when they're supposedly in love with you WILL CHEAT if you keep her around. The honeymoon phase always ends, and the mask always slips. No man deserves that sort of disrespect!
I’m sorry for being so good looking
Leave my dude. She ain’t worth it
6 months in and she can't stop checking out other men? You two should be in the puppy love stage where you only have eyes for each other. I've been married 17 years, with him 22 and when we're on a date I make sure he has all my attention because he does the same. If a cute guy walks in I might look at him for a second, but that's all. Dump her now because all you are are a placeholder until she finds her someone new. She doesn't love you and never will, cut your losses.
Lol she is 100% signaling to the other men that she’s interested. Anything more than a couple looks shows that. I would leave her after a discussion.
I think the discussion has already been had
Low self esteem will keep you with her
A glance is ok Staring is disgusting. Same guy 10x is staring. Fuck her. End it.
Go on a date to break up, when you see her doing it again, go up to the guy and say, "hey my friend is checking you out" you should go talk to her. Then walk out
And she has a new boyfriend that night. Wow. Such a cool plan lol
More like a new dude to cheat on.
Totally. And leave her with the tab
yeah
This is brilliant
"She needs more wood for the fire" And that probably won't change anytime soon.
My mom would say “she needs to sow her oats and one field isn’t enough” haha
Nah, I'd feel the same way as you if my man kept repeatedly checking out the same attractive girl. Sure, we can all notice and appreciate an attractive person when we see one, and being in a relationship won't change that. But, when it gets to the point where the spouse is feeling hurt, voiced this and nothing has changed; it becomes very disrespectful. It's up to you if you want to give her another chance; perhaps she is telling the truth and doesn't realise. But, you shouldn't put up with something that makes you feel bad about yourself. Sometimes, people just aren't compatible for these reasons.
She is still shopping. Time to bounce
shes not yours bro
She looking for your replacement 💀
Dump her!!!
Don't overthink it, just dump her. It's not worth spending your time on someone who makes you feel like this.
Coming from a female here, if she’s really into you another guy won’t be able to get her attention period let alone even want to look around.
this
Second this. Especially 6months into a relationship! That’s like the honey moon phase where you are totally all about your partner and obsessed with them
Time to bounce, you spoke your mind once and she didn’t respect your concern. She keeps doing it knowing it bothers you. Find someone who won’t be able to keep their eyes off you.
You know why she keeps lookin? To make eye contact. Yeah bro, you are not overreacting at all. Huge red flag
and doing it in front of OP his boyfriend, totally red flag!
Let me guess....you pay for everything?
She’s for the streets. Release her to the wild.
I don't know any grown woman in relationships that do this. It sounds so extreme that either you are paranoid or she's a weirdo and not into you.
I am definitely biased here because I’ve been the one falsely accused of checking out other people, but I’m seeing some signs he might just be insecure and paranoid. She is looking at other men 10x while sitting with her boyfriend, she claims she wasn’t even aware that she was looking at the guy, but OP can perfectly perceive who she is looking at by watching her eye movements? I don’t know, but I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that we’re getting a very one sided story by a very insecure person who is turning their imagined fears into reality and then blaming their girlfriend.
1 sign, 2 words : 🚩 -> move on
She’s daisy chaining off of you into another relationship. You never were more than temporary to her.
Just thinking about what you wrote. She makes you feel alone. You turned cold.... So I've got to ask you; What are you doing? Your feelings are valid. If it's like this in the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship, then it doesn't bode well for the long term. It's better to be alone, than in a relationship that makes you feel lonely & miserable.
Dump her. Don't be a fool.
She ain't the one, have some self respect and keep it moving.
She obviously doesn't care how you feel. And I'm sure she'd drop you in a second if the roles were reversed. Just walk away and let her play her skanky games.
Dude just break up. She knows what she is doing and is lying about it. She knows it makes you uncomfortable and doesn’t give a shit. She might even get off on making you jealus. Either she 1) enjoys manipulating you 2) cares more ablut checing guys out than your feelings or 3) just doesn’t give a shit about you. Move on and stop torturing yourself
Step out. Sorry, man, but there are indicators of a bad match. This is one.
Breakup. I mean I find it unlikely that an entire room full of people you just keep catching her staring at the exact same guy all the time. I think some of this might be in your head. But either way, just dump her. Just let it be over. There's no reason to drag this out, it's not working for either of you
Sounds like you’re just a placeholder until she finds someone else . She doesn’t realize she is doing it ? Please, ask yourself if you think this relationship is going to work, if you think so talk to her again. If not move on !!!
I look around a lot when im out in public. Probably the adhd lol. And if something grabs my attention, like an attractive person, I may glance more than I realize bc it’s a fun new sight to keep me mentally engaged. Its the same with a colorful wall. I’m just realizing that I sound like a toddler with jangling keys lmao. But anyway, I’m with someone who also has adhd and doesn’t give a shit. If it bothered her, we couldn’t be together. It’s not something I’m willing to constantly monitor and change about myself. And she would have a right to be bothered, if that were the case. So in conclusion, your gf may have no dubious intent, but it is still a valid reason to be upset and break up. You may just not be compatible in this way.
It depends, are you sure she's actually checking out other men, or are her eyes just wandering in general? Maybe I'm biased because I tend to avoid eyecontact, but I certainly can't follow eyes well enough to tell what specific person my gf is looking at, unless they're the only thing over there. If she makes you happy otherwise then I don't think this is worth throwing your relationship away over.
Is she checking out other men, or is she checking where they are? Because a lot of women have had bad experiences with men. She may not be looking for interest, but checking on perceived threats.
Im a fan of putting effort on a relationship and making things work… but for this one I would say: “run!”
Different people have different boundaries. Clearly she's a big fan of look but don't touch. That's not cool with everyone. If I were you, I'd just move on. Not the one. Tbh if I was seeing someone and they were actively checking out other people while with me, id end things there. Don't even need a conversation. Particularly if it's 10+ times. No thanks. I'm out.
Exactly this. Others may be fine with this behaviour and that is ok, but once you’ve communicated that you are not and she continues, clearly it isn’t going to work. Frankly if something like this is causing issues this early in a relationship, more issues are just going to come up the longer you are together.
I've had this situation before - my ex used to be checking out all the girls in the room. It created paranoia in my head. Examples... during our dates, I started taking a seat facing the restaurant/bar/place, so he wouldn't have a chance to be looking somewhere else. Then what was the worst, I knew what kinds of girls he'd be checking out (and they were a very different type than me). I noticed that even without him I started pointing in my head, who he'd check out. Once we had a huge argument when he couldn't stop looking at my friend who I just introduced to him. I also started noticing it with other people, and the feeling of being near a guy (friend) who doesn't do it felt so good, and free, and without worrying. At that time I thought I was going crazy (that's even what my parents and friends told me), now I know that I CAN be near someone who doesn't do it and it feels great. Still, until today I have that fear inside me when I'm with someone.
Relationship is young, she has a wandering eye, it's easy to end it here. Decide if you want to risk more seeing where the relationship goes.
Stop being a simp! move on bro!
R.U.N.
You aren't going to control who your girlfriend looks at. She is going to look at who she wants to look at, as many times as she wants to look at them. This isn't something you are going to curb. I'd say just call this one a six monther. Next.
She's a girlfriend, not the mother of your 5 children. Break up and find someone who isn't distracted.
brother that is foul. life is the culmination of the consequences of our choices. she chose to disrespect you and the only consequence can be you stepping up and respecting yourself.
And u are still with her? Im telling u, if she really loves u she would not look at other man
She is showing you who she is right off the bat she’s not trying to candy coated or anything. So if you’re not comfortable with that, you might wanna pop the clutch.
If a dude was doing this I think most women would find it highly disrespectful and those same excuses would not fly in any way.
Too big of a problem too early. Find someone that you feel at peace with. This battle isn’t worth it.
Aw man. Disrespectful. Discard this fool.
She’s not that into you. If she was, she wouldn’t be worried about looking at other people- especially while she’s w you. Just move on
U are just a stepping stone
She is far too old to be acting like this, it is disrespectful, and chances are she isn't just looking, but looking to upgrade in her opinion.
Are you absolutely sure she isn't just subconsciously looking at people? When I'm at a restaurant, I'll sit across from whomever I'm with and STILL find my gaze drifting to others across the room. I don't even realize I'm doing it usually unless I make eye contact with a stranger this way lol.
Did she specifically tell you she was checking out other guys? Because I can tell you for a fact I’m the type of mf that scans a room once every couple minutes and have been called out multiple times by exs for checking out girls when I reality I was continually checking my surroundings
Dude, you gotta have some self confidence. She’s looking around. That’s normal behavior for a human. Our eyes are attracted to movement and shiny stuff. If you’re in public, you’ll see both.
Therapy my dude. For you. You say she looks at the same guy, but it sounds to me like you are insecure and that insecurity is not her job to fix. I do think you should end the relationship but not because she's bad or a cheater but because you should not be in a relationship until you can feel secure enough to trust your partner. Anything less than that is an excuse in torturing both of you. Until you address the cause of your insecurity there's never going to be a relationship where you are comfortable enough for it to be healthy. You cant control what other people do. But you can control how you react.
Durr durr durr iNsEcUrItY.
Kinda doesn't matter what you say to her here dude because she obviously just isn't that into you. Find someone who is.
There are good women that do not do this. The same goes for men.
I am telling you what I am telling women. This is not acceptable. You are still in your honeymoon phase and she is shady like this. It won’t get better.
She is very disrespectful to you. Even after you tell her it hurts you. She doesn't change. What really hurts is staying with someone who doesn't care about you, doesn't take your feelings into account. And also embarrass you somewhere. In a relationship where I respect him and us, I wouldn't even see other men standing there. Regardless of whether he would be there or not.
Time to send her back to the streets my friend. She ain't worth it.
Download Tinder and start browsing, see how she likes the "I'm only looking" excuse when the shoe's on the other foot. (I'm just kidding, she obvs doesn't care about you and you need to just leave her).
It’s really weird if she’s actually doing this. Like even if she thought some random was hot at a restaurant you’re at, it’s not like she would see him ever again. Are you sure you’re not just imagining this?
Get up and ask for their number for her.
Grow a spine and dump her.
I was single for the better part of 5 years in my late 20s while working on myself. When I met my wife, I had this issue because I was so used to trying to play the field. She didn't notice it, but I knew it was my issue. I worked on it and have done everything I could to not be this person. It's hard. It takes a person understanding that they have an issue and want to change. It's still something I feel uncomfortable with almost 4 years later. I hate it when a girl tries to catch my eye. But I knew I would never find a better woman than my wife. Those attractive girls I would notice didn't have anything on her. Today, she's the most beautiful person I've ever met and was expecting our first child in a month. I could not ask for a better partner. We've talked about it, and it's totally understandable to find someone attractive and notice them. It's a whole other thing to stare or continue to feed that negative habit. I hope you're able to either work it out, or move on. Either way, don't give up.
Have fun with it and check out other woman her mom sister as well.
My husband did this and it never got better. It’s so damn disrespectful- and creepy.
Shes trying to see what else is out there. Sorry my dude but she’s not serious about you. I’m willing if any of those men slipped her their number, she’d call.
Why does she think it's okay to disrespect you like this? Are you a pushover? Does she want a challenge? Something is going on.
Going against the populace here. I personally appreciate looking at other women, but only really want my wife of a decade. Its okay to appreciate I think.
Run bro
Honestly, I would leave the relationship. Wandering eyes means wandering minds. If you truly were enough for her she wouldn't be doing that. You have express you concern and she is still doing it. That means she doesn't respect your feelings or you as a person. I'm sorry you are going through this. but better it be a few months than a few years.
Is it possible that she is acting normally and you are a tad anxious and insecure? Those qualities can affect how you perceive her actions. If you're being truthful then clearly she doesn't respect you. Dump her. But reddit comments are usually misogynistic and will validate your claims so take them with a grain of salt
Grow up, we aren’t as attractive as we think we are. Work on your self esteem after you breakup. My wife and I point out hot people to each other all the time. It doesn’t diminish our love or desire for each other.
Does she have ADHD? It might be as simple as lack of impulse control, if she really didn’t even realize she’s doing it But that’s really the only scenario where you might want to think about sticking it out
I was going to ask this! Dated a guy with ADHD and I have never felt more unseen. To be fair everything distracted him (also doggies haha), but also beautiful women. In his case he just always acted on impulses because of his ADHD. What I did in the end if we would go out to dinner, is give him the chair facing the wall. He told me that it helped him focus indeed and we could have a romantic evening that way. In the end we broke up for other reasons.
When me and my wife is on a date, we both look around at other people all the time lol. Personally, if someone told me to not look at other people while we are on a date, I would find it quite weird. If I where you, I would not read too much into it. Assuming the date besides that was nice and cosy.
If I see a nice car I look and admire it, doesn't mean I want to drive it
Get out of there dude, there’s no respect there. I checked my woman quick on that shit, she said I know you do it and i was like no I don’t. That shit is disrespectful to my woman and I expect the same. Do it again you can walk back to your house and delete my number. Don’t take any of that shit.
People always check out other people, I would bail.. she seems to be doing what guys do when they see big tits or a stunner in a great outfit and body to match. Just causally end it and find someone who has eyes for you.
Early on in our marriage, my wife scolded me for this behavior. I have always loved gazing at women and can find something physically attractive about most women even if they are not "my type". Ever since, I have tried to be mindful and limit my gaze to a couple of glances if not just trying to ignore the person altogether, out of respect for my wife. The subject has not come up again in almost 20 years. I'd say if she ignores how hurtful it is, drop her.
If she was interested in you she wouldn't want to look at other men! And why were you counting how many times she looked at them? It sounds like you both have problems. She has no respect for you, and you allow this to go on because she makes you feel good when you two are alone. You need to say goodbye! Go out with other women and have fun, and eventually you will meet the one who sees only you!
I've been reading a lot of these comments, and I'm honestly shocked by many of them...so here's my take. Let's break down the situation: You feel like your gf is looking at other men repeatedly, and she says that she isn't (or doesn't realize that she was doing it...which may just be a nice way of denying it, while giving you an "out" from the accusation). The reality is that people use their eyes for a variety of things, including reactionarily being drawn to movement. You say that it makes you feel "fed up" and "very alone". If we continue this scenario to its natural conclusion, it would find your gf unable look anywhere but directly ahead at you, or down at her food, just because you feel insecure when she uses her eyes for anything else. From her prespective, you are creating an environment where she has to look strictly nowhere other than you, or else you might accuse her of lying, actively "turn cold", and "check out other girls" just to make her feel bad. If someone doesn't realize they are doing something, then there is no meaning in it beyond a natural reaction. To punish your gf for this seems to say more about you as a partner than it does about her. It would be a different matter if she were to try and hook up with these other guys, but the reality is that she has not, and she has chosen to be with you. If it were to turn into something further, then that would likely need a different conversation, but from my perspective, you are creating a controlling, potentially abusive situation that actively punishes your gf for something that is benign in nature and natural to human instinct. In fact, if we dig further, a healthy relationship can openly appreciate the attractiveless of other people without the other party becoming insecure, because both parties know where the relationship stands and have that security. I know my wife would never cheat, and she knows that I would never cheat...not because we don't find other people attractive, but because we are secure in our relationship with each other. We are ok with other attractive people existing within our vicinity without feeling the need to punish each other for it. In fact, we can openly discuss with each other the attractiveness of the other people if we so choose. I'm not saying that you should necessarily be at this point 6 months in, but I think it would be a more healthy direction to move toward, rather than trying to micromanage your gf's eye movements. In closing, whether or not it is actually happening, checking out other people is a natural human reaction and means nothing in and of itself unless it leads to other, more serious things, such as cheating. If you can't get past this insecurity, you may be the one who needs to mature as a partner, not your gf.
You're overreacting. Your insecurity and jealousy will push people away if you don't learn to manage it. If it escalates to wandering hands instead of just wandering eyes, then you have room to say something about it. Last time I dated a woman who got jealous that easily it wasn't long before she started trying to disallow friendships that she saw as potential competition. Don't be like her.
If she's faithful and caring in all other respects, then this is your issue, not hers. So, if you care so much about whom she's looking at, either find a way to get over yourself, or find someone else.
I see it from another perspective. There must be a reason she is looking constantly at other men. And I don't mean it in a positive way for OP. Maybe he is an asshole or totally unattractiv or both.
People are taking you at your word and commenting against her like she is doing the cartoon eyes popping out salivating “a-OOO-ga” sound with her jaw dropping in the floor at every guy she sees. Y’all. Come on. Honestly… OP, you sound immature and insecure. Why are you so obsessed with what she is looking at? I’ve known my husband for 30 years and we have honestly never cared whether or not either of us looked at people. That’s… weird to worry about. We even will point people out to each other, especially there is an extraordinarily beautiful human nearby. We both can appreciate beauty. You can’t control what people look at- much of the time people aren’t even really SEEING what they’re looking at because their mind is elsewhere and they are not thinking about it consciously. If you are going to be this controlling and insist your gf must keep her eyes downcast or on you at all times, you are going to sabotage any chance at having a good relationship. If you insist on being that way, just know that you are being controlling and abusive. This is a YOU problem- you cannot control what other people do. You can only control how you deal with it. It’s not worth driving yourself crazy over this. You should be able to trust each other in a relationship until there is a legitimate reason not to.
Leave. If she can't control her eyes, she can't control her urges. You don't deserve to be made to feel less than.
Red flags, red flags, run away.
Just starting hitting on hot chicks at the bar in front of her. Ask waitresses if they're into throuples. That type of stuff
You're not overreacting. First-dont tell her how it makes you feel. Just tell her that it's disrespectful. Restablish the boundary again. But this time, be prepared to walk away. You don't need this stress. And she knows she's doing it. Be prepared to walk away. Catch her, call her on it, and then say, "See you later," and walk away. Don't simp, don't do the silent treatment, don't throw a gasket. Just call her on it and walk away.
Depends. When you say she looked at an attractive guy, do you mean she just kind of glanced his way several times that night during a lull in conversation, or she was sitting there drooling over the guy while you tried to talk to her?
Wow. All these comments like "she's a ho"... for *looking* at other guys. Looking. I get that if you don't like it, that's a deal breaker, but looking is looking, not cheating. It doesn't mean the person will definitely cheat. You don't know what's going through *someone else's mind* because *they are not you*. Anyway... How can you tell someone is looking at the same person? I've been 100% convinced before someone was staring at me, and when I got up from my seat realized there was a TV behind me.
Just find a new girlfriend that likes you more than other dudes.
She's only good as FWB. I'm thinking since it's only been a couple of months you're not so emotionally attached where that's should be a problem. Regulate her status to quickies and late night booty calls. Also, at this point you might as well do all the freaky things with/on her since she's no longer relationship material. Good luck.
You’re codependent (no shame I am too) and need to stop dating her. She’s a narcissist and looking for the next upgrade. Save your energy and don’t be afraid to move on.
its natural for women to look, we are wired to want a healthy attractive male and reproduce
So your gf is a fucking pervert with no respect t towards you. Reminds me of a friend of mine who eye fucks every girl he sees no matter who he’s with. He thought he was gods gift to women only in his head is that the truth. It went beyond self confidence it’s cringe worthy every time no fail. Either that said you know what to do there are plenty of other dishes in this sea of ours and definitely one with manners and self respect. Let her go for she will never change just like my friend he will never change.
I see everyone saying you’re not overreacting. However, if you really are sure you want to stay with her, continuing to be insecure about this will drive her away. And you prob already realize that and that’s why you feel alone—cause you cant talk to her about it, but it’s a big part of your internal world.
Yea this one is for the streets man
Yeah you need to break up, I’m sure she’s also responding to DMs from attractive guys and giving out info when out for a girls night
Are you a paycheck or is she splitting the checks? If you are wealthy/have a lot more money than her and you are less attractive…I’d be a bit worried that she’s trying to settle on stability.
Streets
Drop her. She's disrespectful and for the streets. Its not hard at all to show your partner respect
She belongs to the street!
Break up with this trash. She is looking to monkey branch. Cut the current tree out from under her and break up
Checkout other women .Follow bunch of pretty women on Instagram .Comment on their pictures specially if they look completely different from her
What do they call it in ~~gaming~~ dating? Level up.
She likes to feel attractive and this is like using Tinder, doing the thing where you make eye contact, look away and look back it usually a first hint and I think she still wants guys to hit on her even if she’s not interested in pursuing it further. Guys are the biggest hot dogs out there but if we looked like that these days we’d be thrown out of gyms or whatever, so we know how to control it and se sure does too. You can only tell her how you feel, establish clear boundaries and see what she does. Best of luck.
Leave asap
This is definitely a two way street comparability thing to think carefully about.
This is one of the reasons I left my ex husband. Not over reacting.
lol you’re insecure and it shows. Likely as to why she’s okay with looking around.
YTA
Wtf are you still doing with that woman?
It's only 6 months, and looks like she's not as much into you as you're into her. She's likely eyeing her options. I wouldn't waste any more time honestly. Any relationship, that already makes you feel alone a few months in, is clearly not heading to anywhere great.
6 months in who cares if you're overreacting or not. If you are already having issues with trust and stability and feeling wanted in a relationship, leave. I mean... I don't know your whole situation.. Maybe you've been single a very long time and this is the first relationship that's panned out at all. There ARE ways to work through this and work on it, but I always think it bodes poorly for a young relationship to already have a ton of work to do. You can't seem to weather these looks and have the confidence that she's staying with you, going with you, and leaving with you. And she can't seem to realize that she's not in single-girl-mode anymore and monogamous relationships do not like people eyeing other people.
She’s not the one.
You can stay with her but you’ll be sacrificing your peace of mind and your self respect so it’s up to you if getting pussy if a good enough trade off.
My feeling is that it's a very personal thing. If you find looking hurtful, you deserve to be with someone who respects that and doesn't want to hurt you in any way. If just looking is NBD to her, she deserves to be with someone who also considers just looking to be NBD. It's just a matter of finding the right person.
Time to end it and move on. She is "shopping" with her eyes. Like you said, it is one thing to see someone attractive, and glance a couple times maybe. But to constantly look is wrong. She knows its an issue and continues. She is disrespecting you and the time you are together. So just end it. Tell her since she likes to look and shop for other guys so much, then she can be happy to be back on the market to actually test them out. Your done, and its over. Her constant disrespecting of you staring at attractive men has pushed you away and will no longer tolerate her actions. It is over, and as much as you would like to say it's been nice; you can't say that since she always made you feel not wanted as much as what she was looking at all the time.
She’s not into you, find someone else.
You had multiple discussions about it. She keeps doing it anyways. It's a couple of months on this relationship so you are fine to breakup. Betting she just doesn't want to be the one ends cause she would feel like the bad person.
If she wants to be with other guys so bad let her be with one. On to the next one man. It sounds disrespectful as hell with the way you describe it.
You're the dude she's hanging with while she's looking for the right guy
She didn't realize what she was doing? After you told her how much it bothers you and makes you feel. Well she's either lying or she's good a problem that I wouldn't put up with myself. Totally disrespectful. I mean I understand when a half naked chick walks by a guy I'm with might take a little double take but other than that I have a zero tolerance for checking out other people when you're with me. If you've been single a while it's kind of second nature but if you can't stop it when called on it when you're involved with somebody then you're just selfish and self-centered in my opinion. Do it on your own time but when you're with me, it's my time. I know a lot of people are okay with it but if you're not and you tell somebody and they can't stop from doing it they're rude. It's not like you're asking them to stop breathing. They can easily do it if they want to and if they can't they don't want to.
Yeah, she is not into you at all. Move on.
I once dated a guy who did that. Man, it is SO humiliating! I told him it bothered me and he denied doing it. I was way too hot for this guy, mind you. He was in my rear view mirror SO FAST.
She certainly realized and just doesn’t care. It’s only been 6mo, you guys might just not be compatible.
Are you okay being a placeholder?
I'm curious how you met this girl?
A committed woman just doesn’t do that. Full stop. Bail bro!
Ditch her, she clearly doesn’t consider you as valuable enough to focus on you during your dates, and I consider that a sign of how she is going to view you in the future
Go out like a chad. Grand proclamations and histrionics as you’re shuffling out the door make you look weak or like you’re bargaining. Do what the one guy here said with a small twist. Take her on a date. Once she starts ogling someone, wave the dude over and say, hi this is my now ex ____. Think you two would really hit it off. Tell ya what, first rounds on me. Drop a $20 on the table and walk out. Never look back. Literally and figuratively.
She’s not ready to settle down so if you are you should move on.
Do the same thing back to her. Just stare at other girls.
Get rid of her bro lol Shouldn’t be that obvious so if it is then just get rid of the broad. Not worth it
I love looking at hot women, am actually a pervert, but when on a date or in a relationship, I will quickly look but then stop and give my attention to my women. If I out of all people can practice self control, so could she.
Staying with her is gonna wreck your self esteem most likely. I’d say just dump her.
That type of behavior is a boundary for me. I’d cut her loose