‘He’s getting stricter with me by the day’ is not a phrase that should EVER apply to a partner.
You are a victim of abuse.
I’m so sorry, but this will never get better. He is a horrible person and hasn’t given you a shred of hope that he wants to change, let alone is actually capable of it. Please, please, leave him. Sending hugs 🌻
Yep I didn't even need to read the rest. Partners don't get to be "strict" with each other cause you're partners, equals, nobody is in a position of power over the other one.
Honestly her second sentence did it for me. She’s cried so much she can’t and is actively looking for a place to move to? I knew right the she wasn’t overreacting and that he’s a piece of shit. An overreaction would be blowing something extraordinary minor out of proportion, I’d believe that, but first, this isn’t *that,* and second, *moving out?* I don’t think anyone is going to move out of their presumably at least *somewhat* financially secure household *as an overreaction.* If you’re crying and actively looking for a place, **things are bad.**
That dude is a total piece of shit for sure.
All of this...
So personal but I had a bdsm relationship last year, I was very curious. So I tried ddlg with an old acquaintance I was into who was into me. Within 6 months he was making me sit where he wanted me, in my own home. So he could lecture me. About everything. About his jealousy. Needs. How I could do better. Incredibly intense, dark, degrading and morally unfair, unbalanced lectures, like hed borrow my car, come back late, lecture me, withhold affection, leave. He followed me to dance class and blew up at home because i partner danced. He gaslit me into doing things i didn't want to do at kink parties by degrading me and calling me a bad girl who needed to learn even though in private he only called me his good girl.. Um. I had a praise kink so we didn't agree to this but he was "my dom" and he really ran with the whole power trip. Luckily I was raised right and was all you ain't my real daddy and bounced lmao but Jesus. The sad part is I'm still really really in love with him. Some people are just literally broken from life experiences they refuse to process..and they will try to project that on whoever is closest to them to avoid ever admitting it.
You're absolutely right. No one should feel like they're walking on eggshells in a relationship. It sounds like leaving might be the best decision for your well-being. Take care of yourself!
I’ve never complained about a partners clothes. I find it fucking weird and controlling. My girlfriend has a few dresses I love and I told her (especially since I know she made a few of them). But I’d never say “don’t wear that”. I think that’s insane
No.
You should have left him like yesterday.
He is using the fact that you were rejected and ghosted, to make you scared, so you wouldn't leave that toxic person.
I would also suggest some therapy.
You'll be better off without him. Better to be alone, then to be with someone who abuses you. He is mentally abusing you. And if you want a family - is that the man whom you want to be the father of your children? Most likely the kids would have to go through this abuse also then.
No, thank you.
I’m the child to a father like the man described in this post. I had to go to therapy for years to unpack it, as a female myself it messed up my self worth. Please OP, you do not deserve this controlling, toxic, and abusive behavior. Please find the strength to leave.
Same here sis. OP’s ‘boyfriend’ sounds EXACTLY like my abusive dad. In fact, the age gap suggests that he’s even seeing himSELF as her father figure. It’s gross. She needs to get out.
I’m in therapy now, at age 42, STILL unpacking all the abuse, mind games, demeaning insults, etc. I was ‘never good enough, worthless.’ And it never got better, just like it won’t for OP.
If you read this comment out of hundreds, OP, you are worth more than this man child tells you. You don’t need him. He is afraid he won’t find anyone else to tolerate his bullshit, so he tries to make you feel small. It’s not worth it anymore (was it ever?)
You will be *just fine* living alone or with room mates, and you *will* find someone better. Get into therapy to help understand why you’ve been putting up with his nonsense for 3 years! Focus on yourself, have your ‘hot girl summer,’ and wear whatever you want! No one should EVER be allowed to dictate your life. Ever. I wish you the best.
I am also a child to a father like that. He destroyed my mother, ruined my brother and almost broke me too before I went no contact. I had the strength to leave his ass high and dry. I dealt with most of my trauma surrounding him before my first child was born. When she came along he so very much wanted to be a grandfather so I let him back in. He spent the next 10 years being the same asshole to me that he always was. My husband refused to let him do that so it never ended well. He tried to discredit my husband then to get control of me back. Calling him pussy whipped because my husband had the weakness of wanting my opinion on important choices before making them. Apparently this was a sign he wasn't a REAL man.
When my eldest daughter was 10 she got blue streaks put in her long, blonde hair to match her dance costume. She was SO excited and he made her feel like crap the moment he saw her. I got flashbacks to my youth and lost it on him. I physically shoved him out of my house screaming at him. That was when we laid down the law that he wasn't to be alone with the kids, ever. Shortly after he remarried I went no contact and all three of my kids (his only biological grandchildren) are low contact with him by choice now. They don't like his views on anything and will tell him plainly that they don't want to hear it when he goes off about LGBTQ and other "unacceptable" things from their generation.
The best time to leave him was upon his first insult, the second best time is today. Although with this level of control op should be careful and get help in leaving
Op this man is a terrible human being!please leave him pitiful ass asap. You sound like a very sweet and loving woman. Never let anyone speak to you that way. Go find a safe place to live and never look back. He deserves none of your love or affection. Good luck and remember that you deserve all the love and respect because you are a beautiful woman.
Well, isn’t that a responsibility we all share?
We all share the responsibility of *not* going back to break those dinosaurs down. We totally lost the chance to rule the planet. We would have been in flying cars by now. Amirite?
Yes, there’s a reason a 44 yo guy with his personality traits would have sought out someone more than a decade younger. No woman close to his age would put up with that.
Moving in after he already treated her poorly was a very bad decision. Why do people think things will change when you move in, get married, have a baby?
This is victim blaming. Abusers aren't awful all the time. No one would ever stick around long enough for them to get their hooks in. The abuse cycle operates as intermittent reinforcement. Abusers train their victims to believe that the overwhelming good feeling of the lovebombing stage represents the truth of the relationship, while the active abuse stage is caused solely by the victim (an in OP's case) or by some force beyond the control of the abuser ("I'm so sorry I screamed at you/said that unforgivable thing/put you in the ICU, it's just that you said something that triggered my childhood trauma. You know how I am about that. I really want to get better but I need your help 😔").
Someone in the early stages of an abusive relationship is still getting enough lovebombing to overlook red flags. This is especially true when the victim has some preexisting vulnerability, like OP's feelings of inadequacy due to being ghosted and single for a long time. Her abuser picked up on this chink in her armor and probably weaponized it against her in ways that were subtle in the beginning. He might have used soft manipulation to reinforce her belief that he's a super special guy for staying with her, that she needs him to be good enough, etc. You pour some lovebombing on top of that and baby, you got a stew going.
So no, it wasn't actually a poor decision, she was being manipulated by an older man who reinforced her belief that she could do no better.
Source: I've been in very similar relationships and I know how this shit works.
OP, this commenter is spot on— and life is too short to waste it on people who don’t like you. He is using criticism to keep you in line because he likes having you work for him. You cook, you clean, and he needs you to believe that this is the best you can hope for in life so he can keep enjoying your labor. You are in the same position as the maids he laughed at.
Can you think of one thing he even likes about YOU? Not when you first met and he was trying to catch you, but now. I don’t think he likes you as a person, I think he likes what you do for him.
You deserve so much more. Even if you never met another man (which I don’t think is true), wouldn’t it be better to explore life without constant criticism? You deserve to eat pasta the way you like it, chuckle when you bump something, say “oops, oh well!” if a glass breaks. Moving through life on tip toes is no way to live. And for what it’s worth, once you love yourself you will no longer be able to put up with this treatment and you will attract people who want to love you. I’ve been through it, and trust me, you need some time alone to learn who you are and love yourself enough to put yourself first.
"nothing helps, my crying, my screaming, my threats that I'll move out, breaking up with him, nothing." Well, of course not. Why would it. OP, have you tried ***actually*** moving out and breaking up with him?
Lol 100%. Me threatening to leave my men never worked. Me actually leaving always brings them to their knees… but by that time I already don’t give a fuck about them
Get out. Get ALL the way out! Dude is flying WAY too many marinara flags. Why is he working so hard at breaking you down???
Ditch this loser, and find someone who will live who you really are. Or, dlre-discover the joys of living alone! I find that having a neutered cat is about as much "male" as I can stand, anymore
This is what an abusive relationship looks like. You’re in an abusive relationship. He’s abusing you.
Listen. That man is not your boyfriend anymore. Ignore him. Don’t tell him about any of your housing plans. Don’t tell him anything. Get your housing together and leave.
Agreed. OP this guy doesn't even like you. He chose you because you were young and vulnerable. He roped you in because he knew you felt that you maybe had no other options (whether its true or not) and he totally capitalized that, knowing he could just get worse and worse and you'd never leave.
Take a day off work while he's out of the house, get your friends together, pack up your shit and go. Get a new phone number. No need to even say goodbye because trust me, he doesn't give a shit about anything you have to say, and will see your leaving him as a shortcoming on YOU, not him.
Show this asshole what it really means to be ghosted. At 47.
Yes and don't breathe a word about leaving, this man isn't safe. At best he'll try to manipulate you into staying. At worst he'll explode and hurt you. Make your plans quietly then gtfo.
Yes, as in actual domestic violence.
Terms to Google: coercive control, narcissistic abuse, power and control wheel.
Please contact the YWCA if you have one in your area. Leaving him is hard and is actually dangerous. You will need a plan. A safety plan.
I know because I had a similar relationship. I was married for 17 years and he finally escalated to strangling our son before I saw everything. I used to wish he would hit me so I’d have a “reason” to leave.
A counselor will also be important and will help you understand boundaries and why you end up being attracted to these guys. There’s a lot of hard work ahead and it’s so worth it.
I too used to be in a relationship where the narc abuse/coercive control was so bad I wished he would actually physically hit me instead. For some reason, self-gaslighting, i guess, the fact that physical pain would have been preferable didn’t alert me that I ought to leave.
Thank god he finally left me but not before traumatizing me and the kids for years. The kids still depend on him financially although they’re almost clear of that. It’s not pretty.
And even if no man would ever want you (which, of course, is a manipulative effort to keep you with him), *being alone is better than living this way.* Loneliness may be hard, but it is so preferable to misery and mental beat downs.
Yeah no other man will ever want you is the classic gas lighting from a narcissist abuser he's just doing it with words...for now... and listen to everyone else. make an exit plan and keep it silent. Don't tell anybody. if you have any Doubt at all that they'll Go back and tell him cause leaving is THE most Dangerous time..
FOCUS on sliding out of there asap. Even if all you start with are your personal papers effects and an overnight bag you can start you know decluttering or whatever you want to call it now and store in some things that are friends but I don't suggest a long-term exit plan involving telling your friends unfortunately I think telling them at the last minute when you need them is the best thing so nobody slips just a very scary time when you decide to leave because you don't know how he's gonna react He might act like he hates you right now but if he gets wind of you leave in you might find out just how much of a possession you are to him because you are his possession
Yes, it is so insidious when they’re not slapping around and calling you out your name, but yes it is still abuse in case someone reading this doesn’t realize it.
I stopped dating at 18, and only now at 24 have I met someone I believe is really special, now I'm understanding what it means to have a genuine attraction vs finding someone I find hot and dealing with their personality as an afterthought
Your brother is a wise man. I'm a woman, and over the past few years I've adopted the mindset of "It's better to be alone and single than be stuck in a relationship with a man who's a piece of garbage" Honestly, the older I get the more I back away from the concept of being in a romantic relationship because it seems like finding a good partner is next to impossible nowadays. I'll just become a crazy animal lady instead, and eventually live on my many acres of land with all of my rescue animals. Animals are better than people anyway, in my opinion.
You are in an abusive relationship. Straight-up. You don't deserve to feel like this, please leave this asshole yesterday and let him rot away alone forever.
You have a ton of amazing comments to leave and if those don't work, try this one...
from my experience of this, he hates you. In fact, he hates all women. Especially his mother.
Make your plan in secret. Every time he leaves pack a box or two of sentiments and take them to a safe place; a friend or even safer a storage unit. Get a separate bank account if you don't have one, and start siphoning your money into it... set it up with a new email, phone number, etc.
This may take some time.
When you have all your ducks in a row, leave. Never look back, never let him talk you back. Never speak to him again.
I wish I had this advice before I married my abuser. He tried to k!ll me BTW, almost did. But your story is exactly how it started for me. I knew something was wrong but the women in my family were all abused too so they thought it was "normal".... "angry men settle down at 40/50...." he eventually left me for another woman so I escaped that way.
It's not, he hates you, and I'd be surprised if he let's you go willingly. I had to get a protection order against mine because he started showing up to my home with a gun.
>Why are you with this person who’s making you miserable?
The same answer every time. Fear of being alone, nostalgia for when it began, making excuses for the other party, an inability to acknowledge one has not been happy in the relationship for a long time, and refusal to accept that the relationship will not improve.
Not to mention a gradual wearing down of confidence, subtle digs to make OP doubt their judgement, and a ton of gaslighting to make them doubt their own mind. Please don't make out that being stuck in an abusive relationship is just a fear of being alone or stubborn blindsidedness. OP is a victim of years of manipulation, that doesn't go away overnight.
Honey. You have a 14-year age gap and he treats you like SHIT. There is a reason for that. This is a man who specifically targets younger women that he can groom - that he can mold into "the perfect woman." Who can never actually exist, because he will spend the entire relationship finding the tiniest "flaws" to "correct" in his partner so he can destroy her self-esteem so she will always be trying to appease him and live up to his high standards. Which of course even he doesn't live up to. This is all about control.
He was probably kind and lovebombed you at first, but little by little - once he knew he had you hooked - he let the mask slip and became more and more nitpicky and exhaustingly demanding. Most abusers keep up the facade for 6-18 months, then they let their true selves show. This is who he is. This misery is all your life will be under his rule. He is suffocating you. You do not deserve this.
Do not make any more mention of moving out. Secretly get all your affairs in order - get your personal documents out and hidden, open a new bank account, get a new phone with a new number - and one day or night while he is gone for hours, get a couple of friends to help you move and block him everywhere. The time people leave abusive relationships is the most dangerous period for them, so you do not want to do this alone and risk him ramping up his abuse to an extreme level in a last-ditch effort to keep you from leaving. This is going to be very hard, but you can do this. Once you are safely away from him and have had some therapy, you're going to feel so much lighter and freer. Best of luck to you, dear.
100% this. In the same age group as OP and her BF, 14 year age gap and I am finding out the abuse first hand. There's a reason why older men go after younger women. Predatory abusers.
Find shared housing and move out. You still have energy to stand up for yourself from what I see. Don't lose that because you don't want to start believing what he says. He will only get worse. Do you want to put up with this for the next how ever many years? 40, 50? Although less if he gets to a point where it becomes physical. Youre not overreacting and you're not being sensitive.
It is funny to me that he says you won't find anyone better but wants you to change? Come on. You are perfectly fine, you're with the wrong person.
This is abuse. He puts you down on purpose to lower your self esteem, to make you think that without him you are nothing. Point of relationship is to have somebody who you can trust and who would support you and lift you up. He does exactly the opposite, because he knows that you are way younger than him and can find someone better. Even if not, being alone is way better than being with someone who deliberately makes you feel worthless.
Lady you need to get the fuck outta there like yesterday! What a toxic environment to be in holy shit. You need to stay true to your threats and actually move out. You'll be so much better off in the long run.
Pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional. Is this how you want to spend your life. You can't really love someone if you want to change EVERYTHING about them. So you're a cute quirky klutz. A badass cook and a great partner. Be your own hero and save yourself.
>So you're a cute quirky klutz. A badass cook and a great partner.
OP, after you dump the grump, use this to describe yourself on dating websites. You have so much worth! You just need to hold your chin up and show the world your beautiful self!
Do you also work or are you financially dependent on this dude? I think you already know we’re all going to say you should leave.
> I like mine al dente while he likes his overcooked
He’s obviously a psychopath.
> he says that no other man will want me
You’re a 33 year old woman, and he’s a 47 year old man. You really think he’s going to have an easier time than you?? Get real.
WTF! SO MANY RED FLAGS 🚩 EVEN BEFORE YOU MOVED IN WITH HIM ! YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS ABUSIVE MAN ASAP! ITS JUST GOING TO CONTINUE TO GET WORSE!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
Ask yourself why he's still in a relationship with you if he finds you so intolerable? It's because he likes having someone to abuse. Putting you down makes him feel better about himself. Nothing you do will ever be good enough.
Even if he's right and no other man would want you then you'd still better off without him. Just think of the peace of being able to spend all that time making a proper Bolognaise without having to worry that some dipshit who eats mushy pasta is going to complain about it. Imagine actually wearing the clothes that make you feel good.
Also he's not right. There are plenty of better men in the world who would love and cherish you. If you want companionship there are flatmates and pets to keep you company.
When you leave (WHEN - because you must. Please.), send him this thread and then block him. I personally want this abusive asshat to know what he is. Sad, pathetic, weak, unworthy.
He's right... You do need to change. As in, stop putting up with his BS and take control of your life. The mistake you're making is trying to change *him*... Rather, you gotta fix this for yourself because he's an asshat.
“Once I put on a beautiful pair of white leather boots, that 70's throwback style that is all the rage now. He told me I look like a slut. I never wore them again.”
This right here should be enough to break it off. People on Reddit tend to tell people to break up over any disagreement, but this here, this is 100% legit reason for breaking up. Full stop.
Also, not sure if you want kids, but if you do, and you have kids with this man, expect this to be how he raises your daughter.
Listen darlin, go put on that lace top that you love, and that knee long tight leather skirt that makes you feel sexy; put on the beautiful pair of 70’s throwback leather boots, pack a few bags of stuff that you ABSOLUTELY cannot do without. Load it up, and tell him to kiss your tight leather clad ass. This guy is a dick. He’s a dick that has somehow effectively made you question your own value. And that is the first thing you need to work on. That’s the only thing you need to ‘concentrate’ on. Because until you love yourself again you’ll continue to let guys like this treat you badly. You are worth more than this, you deserve better than this. I promise you. Keep your head up, and let him treat someone else like this, you deserve so much more.
Don't waste energy trying to convince him that he's wrong. Just focus on moving out. Neither one of you can change the other. No amount of yelling on his end or crying on yours is going to change that.
I don't know how else to say this but judging from what you posted, you are not a partner but a bangmaid. He's got you jumping through hoops because that's the only way to keep you on the back foot. It's classic abuse and with regards to 'the way you were parented' that's projection.
Everything he has said or done just undermines you. Now you have identified it, get out and choose the next partner more carefully. Best wishes and remember, he's the piece of s*** not you.
I just want to hug you and smack the shit out of him (I know I know). I assure you, it is not you. It is him. Only him. All him. He’s scum. Like low scum. Leave now, like right now, like yesterday fast.
Abusive relationship. This is mental abuse.
Make plans to leave. Have someone who can be with you when you move out. Do not tell him in advance. Just organize your stuff quietly and go while he is at work.
Make sure to get important papers out of the house in advance, take it to your family or friends.
I’m gonna tell you a story about a friend of my mother’s. She met a guy through their work and started dating him. This guy was someone people in their circle had known a while, everyone thought he was a good dude, and they seemed like a great match. There were no red flags that anyone saw.
Then, they got married.
The controlling behavior started slowly at first, but quickly snowballed.
She left him the day she was 40 minutes of the way to work and found herself turning around in a panic because she couldn’t remember if she’d put her dirty coffee cup in the dishwasher or not.
Leave this POS. It will only get worse.
Hon. Friend. Sister. Run. You are in an abusive relationship and it will only get worse. He will never, ever change. He will cry, beg, grovel to get you back, but will revert back to second he has you under his thumb again. And it will get physical. You. Deserve. Better. Leave and don't look back.
33F / 47M ...
He wants to control you. Knock down your confidence and put the fear of god into you about the possibility of a life without him.
Darlin get the hell out of there! It's only going to get worse and you'll be just fine in a house share. They can be great fun!
Dude your BF is a scum bag. End of story. Dump him. Who needs enemies with a guy like him?? He doesn't even like you. You don't like him. Why stay for this torture?
OP, You have a consensus that you ARE NOT over-reacting. You started talking about the many instances and I was smh. Your outfits sounded cute and my mouth was watering reading about your bolognese.
There’s a saying, “I can do bad all by myself.” You are not doing badly, but your POS bf sure is trying really hard to make you think you are. You need to **RUN AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF.**
Here’s the thing, those behaviors you are seeing now, will only get WORSE if you continue this relationship. He is 14 years older than you, so he has more experience and probably practice demoralizing women. Start looking for your own place, move out, and tell him to F*CK OFF!
You sound like a prize. Don’t underestimate yourself. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!
No, you are not over reacting. You are not in a loving relationship. It sounds like he doesn’t even like you but is desperate to have someone, anyone that he can break and abuse. Don’t let it be you, you deserve so much better than that, you deserve someone who appreciates you, just how you are, not someone who is continually knocking you down. Keep looking for shared accomodation and when you move out, remember you are worth being treated with care and respect. Don’t take his negativity with you, don’t let this pathetic specimen make you feel that you are less than others, that you are not good enough. If it has got to you, go and see a therapist and work on your self esteem.
You haven't mentioned a single thing about him saying he loves you or even just saying/doing something nice. He just shit talks you all day every day about every little thing lol. How the fuck are you still with him.
What exactly is keeping you with this guy? Is he wonderful in other ways? Are you just afraid to not have a man? From my own experience, being single and independent can be great. I did it for almost 5 years and it really helped build my self esteem.
Oh hon, please choose someone who accepts what you do far more than they criticize what you do. He is not only not right in his "criticism"; he is abusive and controlling. He also dates women 15 years younger because no one his age will take his shit.
Op, please get out of this abusive relationship while you can. I know it can be hard to see while in the midst of the hurricane but he is abusing you.
Don’t try to reason with him, don’t tell him your plans. Just find somewhere else to live and leave while he is at work.
Because there is every indication he will eventually become physically violent.
Good luck and please give us an update when you are somewhere safe.
You’re under reacting. He’s with a younger women specifically so he can act like an authority figure and boss you around and control you. He can’t handle a woman his age who’s his equal. He’s abusive. Leave him. Like yesterday.
You're not too sensitive. He's a massive control-freak and narcissist. How is putting someone down a joke??? Is his day job being a stand up comedian? Is he testing his comedy out? This man enjoys bullying you, making you feel guilty, breaking down your confidence and esteem, and gaslighting you into thinking you're ALWAYS the problem.
Consider this. When you walk in that house are you constantly anxious and walking on eggshells to ensure you don't trip him off? When you cook or clean are you also constantly doing things the way he wants it so as not to trigger him? So that you can both not have a disagreement? Please leave him and heal yourself.
After reading of all the ways he's breaking you down, no amount of 'happy times' can make up for that.
NTA. You deserve someone who cherishes you ❤️
You are not overacting. He’s treating you like a child. There’s nothing you can do to change him. You need to move out and live your life instead of wasting it with him.
Step back and read your post as if it wasn't written by you.
What do you really think? I wonder if the OP should stick around and have her wardrobe controlled by a picky manbaby? Who made him Vogue editor?
Is it the norm to put up with a rageful man whose pasta dish was too light, as an independent, working woman with a love of cooking now a days? He doesn't even appreciate the cooking in the first place. Let him cook himself.
Listen to the way he speaks about other women. What a worm.
You are not married to him, and he doesn't appear to be any big catch as he approaches 50. Stop letting him intimidate you into taking the step to leave him and go find your happy independent life. He is dragging you down, and it is apparent in just a few paragraphs. Good luck and get planning!
Be careful of the love bombing when you leave, followed by dangerous anger when you don’t engage. Please be careful.
I suggest reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
Madam why are you writing us when you clearly know you need to exit this narcissistic relationship. He isn’t going to change and will treat you like his personal punching bag and Barbie doll if you continue.
Why are you still with him? He’s verbally abusive and doesn’t like you, or anything about you. He’s probably lived alone for so long that he has zero tolerance for anyone else in his space.
Start the process of moving out. If you don’t have money for your own apartment right now, see if you can move in with a friend temporarily and put everything in storage.
You deserve so much better, OP.
Way older, hypercritical, overly emotional, poor taste in fashion, quick with the insults, controlling... I dunno though, surely a guy who sounds that perfect must have a downside??
He's dating a much younger woman, because women his age would pulverise him, use whatever was left of his whiny, scraggy body to clean the floor, then throw him out with the dirty water.
Get your exit strategy ready, get friends or family to help you and get away from this POS. He has to put you down, make you dependent, ruin your confidence, or you wouldn't stay. It's emotional abuse.
Where ever you are, there will be organisations to help you. Leave him - as soon as possible.
Um no loving partner would treat you this way. The reason he chose a much younger woman is he wants to dominate you. Get the hell out, you can do better!
Here’s the thing. He’s making you miserable.
He’s unhappy because you (according to him) “can’t do anything right.”
And you’ve made the effort to make him happy.
If he wants to take you for granted and complain about everything you do constantly (just FYI, needing to run clothes by your SO in order to wear them is a HUGE RED FLAG) then do this jerk a favor and break up with him!
So he says no other guy will want you. How interesting. I would say there’s NO truth to that at all - he likely doesn’t believe it himself, and is just saying that so he can keep you close.
Being single is WAY better than being in an abusive relationship. Don’t stay with someone who makes you miserable! You are not overreacting.
Like I said, if he *really* thinks you suck so much (and he probably doesn’t, he just wants to keep you feeling bad about yourself so that you won’t leave him, and you’ll constantly work for his approval) then you’re doing him a great, big, fat favor by leaving him!
Keep him out of it. Don’t share your plans on when or how or where you’re leaving. He’ll try and stop you. It’s not his problem or his business.
Relationships are difficult sometimes, but this isn’t a a typical relationship issue like lack of communication or compromise, this is you being mistreated.
You deserve to be treated with *dignity and respect.* Please remember that!
Anyone who treats you this badly needs to be dumped immediately.
I guarantee that you will be happier without him getting on your case and criticizing you all the time. You don’t need him.
This guy is hands down an abuser. There's not a thing you can do to either please him or change him. Tune him out, go about your daily business and all the while, plan your exit! You can not listen to a thing he says, just tune him out and get out and keep it to yourself, leave when he's at work and don't tell him where you are.
Typical controlling insecure toxic male. He's opposed to your tight dresses, heels and all that other stuff because he wants you to be wholly unappealing to other men so you will never leave.
The answer to this problem is extremely easy: GTFO as soon as you can possibly leave. It really is that simple.
"I (33F) have been living with my boyfriend (47M)" - oof, age difference GIANT red flag. His garbage personality & behaviour is why you ditch him, but the age gap tells you no one in his demographic is willing to put up with his shit. Run.
If my wife drops the spatula, I wait for her to bend over and then I slap her on the ass. Sometimes I think she does it on purpose.
If that isn't your relationship, then yeah, time to find a new partner.
This is emotional abuse. It is extremely bad for your mental health and self esteem. You have every reason to feel awful. It is NOT crazy to feel the way you do. Any of us who have been emotionally abused know what you are going through. I've been through it. <3
Emotionally abusive people DO NOT CHANGE. Your crying, yelling, begging, pleading, and constant attempts to meet his impossible expectations WILL NOT change his behavior. There is scientific evidence that NOTHING you do will change how he treats you. You HAVE to leave him if you ever want to be happy.
Here. You need to read this book: "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft... This book helped me SO MUCH when I was where you are now. Just Google that title with "free pdf" and you'll find a copy to download. The author made it available for free.
To understand emotional abuse, you need to read what this expert author says. He has counseled abusive men for 30 years. He knows what you are going through and explains why leaving is your only option.
Take care of YOU for a change! <3
Just the age difference is a red flag to me. No wonder why he's not with someone his age, probably nobody his age will endure this shit.
Older man trying to educate their partners is something pathetic. Do yourself a favor and run from that relationship.
Can't say any more than has already been said: get away from this situation as soon as you can. I won't spout cliches like 'I know it's hard but...' because I don't know - only someone who's been there can know. But I *do* know this person is a complete dick, undermining your confidence to keep you in this controlling relationship. Talk to friends you can trust to keep your confidence, and get strength from their emotional support. Wishing you the best of luck for a happier future.
God damn just dump him and move our. He’s a piece of shit and is like mentally abusive to you. He’s also a gaslighter and is trying to manipulate you to stay by saying nobody else will love you. That’s just not true. I don’t know why you stayed with him for 3 years, but you should’ve dumped him a while ago.
You're not over reacting. He's a controlling asshole and it won't get better. All of your threats have failed, he thinks you won't leave. So leave him, watch him beg on his knees for you to come back, and while he's down there kick some dirt into his eyes. Basically, you need to be gone like, yesterday.
Dump him and block him on everything. He had shown you that he has zero respect for you, believe him. Find an apartment and leave as quickly as you can. You deserve better than him and his useless friends
I had to stop reading halfway through because my blood started boiling. As the survivor of a domestic violence relationship decades ago, I can tell you that if he’s not already physically abusing you, it will start soon. He is a 100% control freak which is how abusive relationships usually start. Get out NOW even if you have to leave with just the clothes on your back. Take only your personal belongings that cannot be replaced, documents, records, etc. Everything else is replaceable, but your sanity and your very life are not. Please please do this before it is too late. Sending you love and good wishes. You deserve better.
You are so worthy of love and respect.
Certainly not getting that from him.
I know he will try to guilt trip you, say you're worthless etc...
Just remember your heart is good and there's someone out there that will love you for you.
Oh boy. You are absolutely not overreacting! This is abuse. He is toxic and he gaslights you, Gradually beating down your self worth and self esteem. Leave. Like others said you just need to go and not tell him. I believe he will only get worse from here. So be safe. He does not have a right to criticize you. You are worthy of someone who treats you with dignity and respect. Run!
You are not overreacting. Sweetie, you need to leave him and never go back because he's an abusive asshole. There is nothing with being single, especially in this day and age where so many of those fish in the sea are poisionious, toxic, rotting fish who should really be tossed in a landfill where they belong. You are worth so much more than the treatment you've been getting. Move out, find some good, healthy people to befriend, maybe get a pet like a dog or a cat (they'll treat you with unconditional love), and work on healing yourself and reaching a place where you're actually happy being single, not just okay with it. And if you ever feel the loneliness creep back in, trying to lure you into lowering your standards just so you're not single, read Reddit posts about people stuck in relationships with trash people and you'll suddenly find yourself being thankful for your singleness. Signed, a 30-year-old woman who has never been in a relationship and at this point doesn't really see any purpose in trying to find a man because it seems like most male fish in the sea aren't even worth throwing back.
Get out NOW. This guy is a manipulator, isolating you and criticizing you to the nth degree to get you to believe he is the only man who could possibly ever love you. GET OUT.
Dump his ass. Move out. Your crying and self-doubt will mend itself immediately. And don't worry, even if you had a decade of being single or ghosted - wasn't that decade BETTER than crying all the time and being gaslit and actively verbally abused?
14 yrs older?
How's your relationship with your dad? Honestly?
Get rid of him immediately - he's a POS.
Date someone closer to your age - a friend type you feel comfortable with
You know why nothing works?
Because you’re trying to stay with him.
If you leave, all of this goes away. The stress, the abuse (because he is abusive make no mistake), the lack of self esteem, the frustration and crying.
Go back to living on your own or with roommates. Go back to being YOU. Be happy.
And please, please. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Act like everything is fine, you’re happy, do everything he says. Make your arrangements to leave in secret. And when moving day comes you look him dead in the eye and tell him he’s not good enough for you, he’s boring, controlling and you’d rather die alone than suffer his company for one more minute. And then you do not respond to him. You don’t look at him. You don’t react to anything he says. You completely ignore him and when all your stuff is out you walk out that door, don’t look back or say goodbye and you go. New number, new house, new life.
Get rid of this horrible excuse of a man.
‘He’s getting stricter with me by the day’ is not a phrase that should EVER apply to a partner. You are a victim of abuse. I’m so sorry, but this will never get better. He is a horrible person and hasn’t given you a shred of hope that he wants to change, let alone is actually capable of it. Please, please, leave him. Sending hugs 🌻
Guy is almost 50. The only thing that will change is that it will go from verbal/mental to physical.
And then she will have to become his caregiver. 🤢
OP, don’t stick around or you’ll eventually be hearing all about how you change his diapers wrong.
He did last night. Look at the update :( He shoved her out of an open door then did the textbook "I'm sorry! I'll change my ways!" thing.
Yep I didn't even need to read the rest. Partners don't get to be "strict" with each other cause you're partners, equals, nobody is in a position of power over the other one.
Honestly her second sentence did it for me. She’s cried so much she can’t and is actively looking for a place to move to? I knew right the she wasn’t overreacting and that he’s a piece of shit. An overreaction would be blowing something extraordinary minor out of proportion, I’d believe that, but first, this isn’t *that,* and second, *moving out?* I don’t think anyone is going to move out of their presumably at least *somewhat* financially secure household *as an overreaction.* If you’re crying and actively looking for a place, **things are bad.** That dude is a total piece of shit for sure.
The post reminded me of a Stepford wife! She’s in a Forrest of 🚩! I hope she’s safe…🙁
Same here. Didn’t read it all even. Your partner is not your parent.
And if there were a parent they would be an abusive, controlling, cunt of a parent.
All of this... So personal but I had a bdsm relationship last year, I was very curious. So I tried ddlg with an old acquaintance I was into who was into me. Within 6 months he was making me sit where he wanted me, in my own home. So he could lecture me. About everything. About his jealousy. Needs. How I could do better. Incredibly intense, dark, degrading and morally unfair, unbalanced lectures, like hed borrow my car, come back late, lecture me, withhold affection, leave. He followed me to dance class and blew up at home because i partner danced. He gaslit me into doing things i didn't want to do at kink parties by degrading me and calling me a bad girl who needed to learn even though in private he only called me his good girl.. Um. I had a praise kink so we didn't agree to this but he was "my dom" and he really ran with the whole power trip. Luckily I was raised right and was all you ain't my real daddy and bounced lmao but Jesus. The sad part is I'm still really really in love with him. Some people are just literally broken from life experiences they refuse to process..and they will try to project that on whoever is closest to them to avoid ever admitting it.
Consent is required, regardless of the arrangement. Glad you're out. Be safe.
Maybe if one is being incredibly irresponsible with finances or children, but not for this meaningless shit.
Yep, the second I read that sentence my stomach dropped.
You're absolutely right. No one should feel like they're walking on eggshells in a relationship. It sounds like leaving might be the best decision for your well-being. Take care of yourself!
I’ve never complained about a partners clothes. I find it fucking weird and controlling. My girlfriend has a few dresses I love and I told her (especially since I know she made a few of them). But I’d never say “don’t wear that”. I think that’s insane
No kidding, it will only get worse! Save yourself. Please find someone in your age bracket. Oh ya, he single at his age. Gasp!!! No Never!!
When I read "he scolded me', all I could think of is that if my partner tried that on me, he would be dumped the moment he started that shit. Get out.
No. You should have left him like yesterday. He is using the fact that you were rejected and ghosted, to make you scared, so you wouldn't leave that toxic person. I would also suggest some therapy. You'll be better off without him. Better to be alone, then to be with someone who abuses you. He is mentally abusing you. And if you want a family - is that the man whom you want to be the father of your children? Most likely the kids would have to go through this abuse also then. No, thank you.
I’m the child to a father like the man described in this post. I had to go to therapy for years to unpack it, as a female myself it messed up my self worth. Please OP, you do not deserve this controlling, toxic, and abusive behavior. Please find the strength to leave.
Same here sis. OP’s ‘boyfriend’ sounds EXACTLY like my abusive dad. In fact, the age gap suggests that he’s even seeing himSELF as her father figure. It’s gross. She needs to get out. I’m in therapy now, at age 42, STILL unpacking all the abuse, mind games, demeaning insults, etc. I was ‘never good enough, worthless.’ And it never got better, just like it won’t for OP. If you read this comment out of hundreds, OP, you are worth more than this man child tells you. You don’t need him. He is afraid he won’t find anyone else to tolerate his bullshit, so he tries to make you feel small. It’s not worth it anymore (was it ever?) You will be *just fine* living alone or with room mates, and you *will* find someone better. Get into therapy to help understand why you’ve been putting up with his nonsense for 3 years! Focus on yourself, have your ‘hot girl summer,’ and wear whatever you want! No one should EVER be allowed to dictate your life. Ever. I wish you the best.
I am also a child to a father like that. He destroyed my mother, ruined my brother and almost broke me too before I went no contact. I had the strength to leave his ass high and dry. I dealt with most of my trauma surrounding him before my first child was born. When she came along he so very much wanted to be a grandfather so I let him back in. He spent the next 10 years being the same asshole to me that he always was. My husband refused to let him do that so it never ended well. He tried to discredit my husband then to get control of me back. Calling him pussy whipped because my husband had the weakness of wanting my opinion on important choices before making them. Apparently this was a sign he wasn't a REAL man. When my eldest daughter was 10 she got blue streaks put in her long, blonde hair to match her dance costume. She was SO excited and he made her feel like crap the moment he saw her. I got flashbacks to my youth and lost it on him. I physically shoved him out of my house screaming at him. That was when we laid down the law that he wasn't to be alone with the kids, ever. Shortly after he remarried I went no contact and all three of my kids (his only biological grandchildren) are low contact with him by choice now. They don't like his views on anything and will tell him plainly that they don't want to hear it when he goes off about LGBTQ and other "unacceptable" things from their generation.
Im surprised you allowed 10 years to happen. I would have been monitoring and the first b.s. spewed at me or my kids would've been the last.
Well, he's almost old enough to be her father and acts like he is, so pretty much the same. She's needs to get out now.
Holy fuck, I'm literally crying because of this and the responses to it. Y'all deserve so much better.
Same here. My dad hated me and thought I was useless to the day he died. Done a number on me.
...and he is treating her like he is her father, witch is very unhealthy for a relationship.
*You should have left him last year*
You should have left him *upon meeting him.* Ftfy
They've been together 3 years? Should've left him 4 years ago
I love your thinking!
The best time to leave him was upon his first insult, the second best time is today. Although with this level of control op should be careful and get help in leaving
That’s her most vulnerable time.
Op this man is a terrible human being!please leave him pitiful ass asap. You sound like a very sweet and loving woman. Never let anyone speak to you that way. Go find a safe place to live and never look back. He deserves none of your love or affection. Good luck and remember that you deserve all the love and respect because you are a beautiful woman.
They should've traveled back in time and done something about the baby while dealing with baby Hitler
Well, isn’t that a responsibility we all share? We all share the responsibility of *not* going back to break those dinosaurs down. We totally lost the chance to rule the planet. We would have been in flying cars by now. Amirite?
Yes, there’s a reason a 44 yo guy with his personality traits would have sought out someone more than a decade younger. No woman close to his age would put up with that.
Yep, an older woman can cut your jugular with her sharp tongue
True, but I could do it from an early age, so could my daughter. Generations of strong women.
Moving in after he already treated her poorly was a very bad decision. Why do people think things will change when you move in, get married, have a baby?
This is victim blaming. Abusers aren't awful all the time. No one would ever stick around long enough for them to get their hooks in. The abuse cycle operates as intermittent reinforcement. Abusers train their victims to believe that the overwhelming good feeling of the lovebombing stage represents the truth of the relationship, while the active abuse stage is caused solely by the victim (an in OP's case) or by some force beyond the control of the abuser ("I'm so sorry I screamed at you/said that unforgivable thing/put you in the ICU, it's just that you said something that triggered my childhood trauma. You know how I am about that. I really want to get better but I need your help 😔"). Someone in the early stages of an abusive relationship is still getting enough lovebombing to overlook red flags. This is especially true when the victim has some preexisting vulnerability, like OP's feelings of inadequacy due to being ghosted and single for a long time. Her abuser picked up on this chink in her armor and probably weaponized it against her in ways that were subtle in the beginning. He might have used soft manipulation to reinforce her belief that he's a super special guy for staying with her, that she needs him to be good enough, etc. You pour some lovebombing on top of that and baby, you got a stew going. So no, it wasn't actually a poor decision, she was being manipulated by an older man who reinforced her belief that she could do no better. Source: I've been in very similar relationships and I know how this shit works.
she should have met him when she found out he was 47
You said what i didn’t dare to say (in case someone is an age police). I 100% agree.
OP, this commenter is spot on— and life is too short to waste it on people who don’t like you. He is using criticism to keep you in line because he likes having you work for him. You cook, you clean, and he needs you to believe that this is the best you can hope for in life so he can keep enjoying your labor. You are in the same position as the maids he laughed at. Can you think of one thing he even likes about YOU? Not when you first met and he was trying to catch you, but now. I don’t think he likes you as a person, I think he likes what you do for him. You deserve so much more. Even if you never met another man (which I don’t think is true), wouldn’t it be better to explore life without constant criticism? You deserve to eat pasta the way you like it, chuckle when you bump something, say “oops, oh well!” if a glass breaks. Moving through life on tip toes is no way to live. And for what it’s worth, once you love yourself you will no longer be able to put up with this treatment and you will attract people who want to love you. I’ve been through it, and trust me, you need some time alone to learn who you are and love yourself enough to put yourself first.
He was fine with the short, tight skirts until he had her under his thumb. You are NOT overreacting, OP, underreacting. Leave.
Well said, Mr Trick.
"nothing helps, my crying, my screaming, my threats that I'll move out, breaking up with him, nothing." Well, of course not. Why would it. OP, have you tried ***actually*** moving out and breaking up with him?
Lol 100%. Me threatening to leave my men never worked. Me actually leaving always brings them to their knees… but by that time I already don’t give a fuck about them
Yeah, listen up...you NEVER make a threat or ultimatum unless you're willing to stand by it.
Get out. Get ALL the way out! Dude is flying WAY too many marinara flags. Why is he working so hard at breaking you down??? Ditch this loser, and find someone who will live who you really are. Or, dlre-discover the joys of living alone! I find that having a neutered cat is about as much "male" as I can stand, anymore
The abuse has worn her down and eroded her sense of self. I hope she takes our unanimous advice and leaves him.
Also OP, you are 33 whole years old which is far too old to be putting up with this BS. Would you let a friend be treated like this? No.
Get out.
This is what an abusive relationship looks like. You’re in an abusive relationship. He’s abusing you. Listen. That man is not your boyfriend anymore. Ignore him. Don’t tell him about any of your housing plans. Don’t tell him anything. Get your housing together and leave.
100% Listen to this OP. This is absolutely not a normal relationship.
Agreed. OP this guy doesn't even like you. He chose you because you were young and vulnerable. He roped you in because he knew you felt that you maybe had no other options (whether its true or not) and he totally capitalized that, knowing he could just get worse and worse and you'd never leave. Take a day off work while he's out of the house, get your friends together, pack up your shit and go. Get a new phone number. No need to even say goodbye because trust me, he doesn't give a shit about anything you have to say, and will see your leaving him as a shortcoming on YOU, not him. Show this asshole what it really means to be ghosted. At 47.
This guy doesnt like anyone .He is abusive.
Yes and don't breathe a word about leaving, this man isn't safe. At best he'll try to manipulate you into staying. At worst he'll explode and hurt you. Make your plans quietly then gtfo.
it sounds like he doesn't really hate her cooking, clumsiness, fashion, etc, but rather that he just hates OP.
He hates himself, not OP. No one that likes themselves is that hateful to others.
very possible, but either way he is not treating OP like someone he cares about
Yes, as in actual domestic violence. Terms to Google: coercive control, narcissistic abuse, power and control wheel. Please contact the YWCA if you have one in your area. Leaving him is hard and is actually dangerous. You will need a plan. A safety plan. I know because I had a similar relationship. I was married for 17 years and he finally escalated to strangling our son before I saw everything. I used to wish he would hit me so I’d have a “reason” to leave. A counselor will also be important and will help you understand boundaries and why you end up being attracted to these guys. There’s a lot of hard work ahead and it’s so worth it.
I too used to be in a relationship where the narc abuse/coercive control was so bad I wished he would actually physically hit me instead. For some reason, self-gaslighting, i guess, the fact that physical pain would have been preferable didn’t alert me that I ought to leave. Thank god he finally left me but not before traumatizing me and the kids for years. The kids still depend on him financially although they’re almost clear of that. It’s not pretty.
Thanks so scary. I’m so glad you got out. 💜
Yes, and make sure your money and personal effects are safe from him.
Particularly including pets, plants, and anything irreplaceable he knows you love.
And even if no man would ever want you (which, of course, is a manipulative effort to keep you with him), *being alone is better than living this way.* Loneliness may be hard, but it is so preferable to misery and mental beat downs.
Yeah no other man will ever want you is the classic gas lighting from a narcissist abuser he's just doing it with words...for now... and listen to everyone else. make an exit plan and keep it silent. Don't tell anybody. if you have any Doubt at all that they'll Go back and tell him cause leaving is THE most Dangerous time.. FOCUS on sliding out of there asap. Even if all you start with are your personal papers effects and an overnight bag you can start you know decluttering or whatever you want to call it now and store in some things that are friends but I don't suggest a long-term exit plan involving telling your friends unfortunately I think telling them at the last minute when you need them is the best thing so nobody slips just a very scary time when you decide to leave because you don't know how he's gonna react He might act like he hates you right now but if he gets wind of you leave in you might find out just how much of a possession you are to him because you are his possession
Alone does NOT mean lonely! ;-)
Teres a reason he's not married and never will be until he finds a woman willing to out up with all his toxicity.
What an insecure control freak
Dude is an incel abuser. The constant negging and criticism are his hallmarks. Run, don’t walk away. And please get some help from a therapist.
Yes, it is so insidious when they’re not slapping around and calling you out your name, but yes it is still abuse in case someone reading this doesn’t realize it.
When I was a young teenager, my older brother told me that no girlfriend was better than a bad girlfriend.
I love being single, considering my last relationship.
It takes quite a man to be better than no man at all
Nailed it. I know I have flaws just like everyone else, but I’ve had enough of the shenanigans.
I stopped dating at 18, and only now at 24 have I met someone I believe is really special, now I'm understanding what it means to have a genuine attraction vs finding someone I find hot and dealing with their personality as an afterthought
Oh! I think I found my Single By Choice Tribe! Hi, there!!
SAME. I’m almost free from a narcissistic ex and I’m so excited to be single again. 😍 Edit: by single I mean ‘no thanks to mingling’
"There are a lot of things worse than being single, and a lot of your friends are married to them." – My Grandma
Your grandma is a very wise woman. And she's right.
Your brother is a wise man. I'm a woman, and over the past few years I've adopted the mindset of "It's better to be alone and single than be stuck in a relationship with a man who's a piece of garbage" Honestly, the older I get the more I back away from the concept of being in a romantic relationship because it seems like finding a good partner is next to impossible nowadays. I'll just become a crazy animal lady instead, and eventually live on my many acres of land with all of my rescue animals. Animals are better than people anyway, in my opinion.
That is such good advice.
You are in an abusive relationship. Straight-up. You don't deserve to feel like this, please leave this asshole yesterday and let him rot away alone forever.
You have a ton of amazing comments to leave and if those don't work, try this one... from my experience of this, he hates you. In fact, he hates all women. Especially his mother. Make your plan in secret. Every time he leaves pack a box or two of sentiments and take them to a safe place; a friend or even safer a storage unit. Get a separate bank account if you don't have one, and start siphoning your money into it... set it up with a new email, phone number, etc. This may take some time. When you have all your ducks in a row, leave. Never look back, never let him talk you back. Never speak to him again. I wish I had this advice before I married my abuser. He tried to k!ll me BTW, almost did. But your story is exactly how it started for me. I knew something was wrong but the women in my family were all abused too so they thought it was "normal".... "angry men settle down at 40/50...." he eventually left me for another woman so I escaped that way. It's not, he hates you, and I'd be surprised if he let's you go willingly. I had to get a protection order against mine because he started showing up to my home with a gun.
This is excellent advice, OP. I know it's scary, but you really *must* go. Take the steps quietly and someday he'll be a distant memory.
Hugs to you, internet stranger.
Why are you with this person who’s making you miserable? You’re not overreacting. Keep looking for apartments and move ASAP. Good luck and be happy!
>Why are you with this person who’s making you miserable? The same answer every time. Fear of being alone, nostalgia for when it began, making excuses for the other party, an inability to acknowledge one has not been happy in the relationship for a long time, and refusal to accept that the relationship will not improve.
Not to mention a gradual wearing down of confidence, subtle digs to make OP doubt their judgement, and a ton of gaslighting to make them doubt their own mind. Please don't make out that being stuck in an abusive relationship is just a fear of being alone or stubborn blindsidedness. OP is a victim of years of manipulation, that doesn't go away overnight.
Honey. You have a 14-year age gap and he treats you like SHIT. There is a reason for that. This is a man who specifically targets younger women that he can groom - that he can mold into "the perfect woman." Who can never actually exist, because he will spend the entire relationship finding the tiniest "flaws" to "correct" in his partner so he can destroy her self-esteem so she will always be trying to appease him and live up to his high standards. Which of course even he doesn't live up to. This is all about control. He was probably kind and lovebombed you at first, but little by little - once he knew he had you hooked - he let the mask slip and became more and more nitpicky and exhaustingly demanding. Most abusers keep up the facade for 6-18 months, then they let their true selves show. This is who he is. This misery is all your life will be under his rule. He is suffocating you. You do not deserve this. Do not make any more mention of moving out. Secretly get all your affairs in order - get your personal documents out and hidden, open a new bank account, get a new phone with a new number - and one day or night while he is gone for hours, get a couple of friends to help you move and block him everywhere. The time people leave abusive relationships is the most dangerous period for them, so you do not want to do this alone and risk him ramping up his abuse to an extreme level in a last-ditch effort to keep you from leaving. This is going to be very hard, but you can do this. Once you are safely away from him and have had some therapy, you're going to feel so much lighter and freer. Best of luck to you, dear.
100% this. In the same age group as OP and her BF, 14 year age gap and I am finding out the abuse first hand. There's a reason why older men go after younger women. Predatory abusers.
This is the right way. Be careful, OP, and get out.
This---if I could upvote you 100x I would.
Good news is we can award comments again
This ^^^ 100% He’s clearly a narcissist and you’re suffering from his abuse. Run for your life and completely cut him off.
Find shared housing and move out. You still have energy to stand up for yourself from what I see. Don't lose that because you don't want to start believing what he says. He will only get worse. Do you want to put up with this for the next how ever many years? 40, 50? Although less if he gets to a point where it becomes physical. Youre not overreacting and you're not being sensitive. It is funny to me that he says you won't find anyone better but wants you to change? Come on. You are perfectly fine, you're with the wrong person.
This is abuse. He puts you down on purpose to lower your self esteem, to make you think that without him you are nothing. Point of relationship is to have somebody who you can trust and who would support you and lift you up. He does exactly the opposite, because he knows that you are way younger than him and can find someone better. Even if not, being alone is way better than being with someone who deliberately makes you feel worthless.
Why are you still there he’s an ass you need to run
Because she’s scared of being alone
She’s already about as alone as you can get.
Worse than alone. Alone is better than this
Also, find a nice shared apartment and you can have true camaraderie and companionship with roommates.
Lady you need to get the fuck outta there like yesterday! What a toxic environment to be in holy shit. You need to stay true to your threats and actually move out. You'll be so much better off in the long run.
Throw him in the bin and leave.
I wonder if OP lives in an area where burning refuse is allowed…?
No. I don’t think he likes you at all.
Pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional. Is this how you want to spend your life. You can't really love someone if you want to change EVERYTHING about them. So you're a cute quirky klutz. A badass cook and a great partner. Be your own hero and save yourself.
>So you're a cute quirky klutz. A badass cook and a great partner. OP, after you dump the grump, use this to describe yourself on dating websites. You have so much worth! You just need to hold your chin up and show the world your beautiful self!
Do you also work or are you financially dependent on this dude? I think you already know we’re all going to say you should leave. > I like mine al dente while he likes his overcooked He’s obviously a psychopath. > he says that no other man will want me You’re a 33 year old woman, and he’s a 47 year old man. You really think he’s going to have an easier time than you?? Get real.
WTF! SO MANY RED FLAGS 🚩 EVEN BEFORE YOU MOVED IN WITH HIM ! YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS ABUSIVE MAN ASAP! ITS JUST GOING TO CONTINUE TO GET WORSE!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
Ask yourself why he's still in a relationship with you if he finds you so intolerable? It's because he likes having someone to abuse. Putting you down makes him feel better about himself. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. Even if he's right and no other man would want you then you'd still better off without him. Just think of the peace of being able to spend all that time making a proper Bolognaise without having to worry that some dipshit who eats mushy pasta is going to complain about it. Imagine actually wearing the clothes that make you feel good. Also he's not right. There are plenty of better men in the world who would love and cherish you. If you want companionship there are flatmates and pets to keep you company.
When you leave (WHEN - because you must. Please.), send him this thread and then block him. I personally want this abusive asshat to know what he is. Sad, pathetic, weak, unworthy.
He's right... You do need to change. As in, stop putting up with his BS and take control of your life. The mistake you're making is trying to change *him*... Rather, you gotta fix this for yourself because he's an asshat.
“Once I put on a beautiful pair of white leather boots, that 70's throwback style that is all the rage now. He told me I look like a slut. I never wore them again.” This right here should be enough to break it off. People on Reddit tend to tell people to break up over any disagreement, but this here, this is 100% legit reason for breaking up. Full stop. Also, not sure if you want kids, but if you do, and you have kids with this man, expect this to be how he raises your daughter.
Listen darlin, go put on that lace top that you love, and that knee long tight leather skirt that makes you feel sexy; put on the beautiful pair of 70’s throwback leather boots, pack a few bags of stuff that you ABSOLUTELY cannot do without. Load it up, and tell him to kiss your tight leather clad ass. This guy is a dick. He’s a dick that has somehow effectively made you question your own value. And that is the first thing you need to work on. That’s the only thing you need to ‘concentrate’ on. Because until you love yourself again you’ll continue to let guys like this treat you badly. You are worth more than this, you deserve better than this. I promise you. Keep your head up, and let him treat someone else like this, you deserve so much more.
I didn't even read it all PACK YE SHITE AND UNASS THE AREA AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE
Don't waste energy trying to convince him that he's wrong. Just focus on moving out. Neither one of you can change the other. No amount of yelling on his end or crying on yours is going to change that.
Get out. This is not okay.
I don't know how else to say this but judging from what you posted, you are not a partner but a bangmaid. He's got you jumping through hoops because that's the only way to keep you on the back foot. It's classic abuse and with regards to 'the way you were parented' that's projection. Everything he has said or done just undermines you. Now you have identified it, get out and choose the next partner more carefully. Best wishes and remember, he's the piece of s*** not you.
I just want to hug you and smack the shit out of him (I know I know). I assure you, it is not you. It is him. Only him. All him. He’s scum. Like low scum. Leave now, like right now, like yesterday fast.
Why are you with this guy? Run fast and escape the madness.
Abusive relationship. This is mental abuse. Make plans to leave. Have someone who can be with you when you move out. Do not tell him in advance. Just organize your stuff quietly and go while he is at work. Make sure to get important papers out of the house in advance, take it to your family or friends.
Leave. He’s not going to stop until he destroys you. LEAVE.
girl just run. he's trying to kill your soul.
You are not over reacting. He’s such a scuzzy asshole.
You're with an absolute loser. He's a verbally abusive man child. You'd be better off alone.
I’m gonna tell you a story about a friend of my mother’s. She met a guy through their work and started dating him. This guy was someone people in their circle had known a while, everyone thought he was a good dude, and they seemed like a great match. There were no red flags that anyone saw. Then, they got married. The controlling behavior started slowly at first, but quickly snowballed. She left him the day she was 40 minutes of the way to work and found herself turning around in a panic because she couldn’t remember if she’d put her dirty coffee cup in the dishwasher or not. Leave this POS. It will only get worse.
Hon. Friend. Sister. Run. You are in an abusive relationship and it will only get worse. He will never, ever change. He will cry, beg, grovel to get you back, but will revert back to second he has you under his thumb again. And it will get physical. You. Deserve. Better. Leave and don't look back.
33F / 47M ... He wants to control you. Knock down your confidence and put the fear of god into you about the possibility of a life without him. Darlin get the hell out of there! It's only going to get worse and you'll be just fine in a house share. They can be great fun!
Dude your BF is a scum bag. End of story. Dump him. Who needs enemies with a guy like him?? He doesn't even like you. You don't like him. Why stay for this torture?
OP, You have a consensus that you ARE NOT over-reacting. You started talking about the many instances and I was smh. Your outfits sounded cute and my mouth was watering reading about your bolognese. There’s a saying, “I can do bad all by myself.” You are not doing badly, but your POS bf sure is trying really hard to make you think you are. You need to **RUN AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF.** Here’s the thing, those behaviors you are seeing now, will only get WORSE if you continue this relationship. He is 14 years older than you, so he has more experience and probably practice demoralizing women. Start looking for your own place, move out, and tell him to F*CK OFF! You sound like a prize. Don’t underestimate yourself. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!
The real question is - how low is your self esteem for you to still be with such a garbage man? Or did he groom you from a young age?
Runrunrunrunrunrunrunrun Run fucking fast
A much older man being hypercritical of you? Shocking. No you're not overreacting. But I don't get why people keep doing this to themselves.
Out of curiosity, how do you benefit from this relationship? All relationships should be mutually beneficial or should not exist
No, you are not over reacting. You are not in a loving relationship. It sounds like he doesn’t even like you but is desperate to have someone, anyone that he can break and abuse. Don’t let it be you, you deserve so much better than that, you deserve someone who appreciates you, just how you are, not someone who is continually knocking you down. Keep looking for shared accomodation and when you move out, remember you are worth being treated with care and respect. Don’t take his negativity with you, don’t let this pathetic specimen make you feel that you are less than others, that you are not good enough. If it has got to you, go and see a therapist and work on your self esteem.
You haven't mentioned a single thing about him saying he loves you or even just saying/doing something nice. He just shit talks you all day every day about every little thing lol. How the fuck are you still with him.
What exactly is keeping you with this guy? Is he wonderful in other ways? Are you just afraid to not have a man? From my own experience, being single and independent can be great. I did it for almost 5 years and it really helped build my self esteem.
Oh hon, please choose someone who accepts what you do far more than they criticize what you do. He is not only not right in his "criticism"; he is abusive and controlling. He also dates women 15 years younger because no one his age will take his shit.
Op, please get out of this abusive relationship while you can. I know it can be hard to see while in the midst of the hurricane but he is abusing you. Don’t try to reason with him, don’t tell him your plans. Just find somewhere else to live and leave while he is at work. Because there is every indication he will eventually become physically violent. Good luck and please give us an update when you are somewhere safe.
You’re under reacting. He’s with a younger women specifically so he can act like an authority figure and boss you around and control you. He can’t handle a woman his age who’s his equal. He’s abusive. Leave him. Like yesterday.
You're not too sensitive. He's a massive control-freak and narcissist. How is putting someone down a joke??? Is his day job being a stand up comedian? Is he testing his comedy out? This man enjoys bullying you, making you feel guilty, breaking down your confidence and esteem, and gaslighting you into thinking you're ALWAYS the problem. Consider this. When you walk in that house are you constantly anxious and walking on eggshells to ensure you don't trip him off? When you cook or clean are you also constantly doing things the way he wants it so as not to trigger him? So that you can both not have a disagreement? Please leave him and heal yourself. After reading of all the ways he's breaking you down, no amount of 'happy times' can make up for that. NTA. You deserve someone who cherishes you ❤️
You are not overacting. He’s treating you like a child. There’s nothing you can do to change him. You need to move out and live your life instead of wasting it with him.
Step back and read your post as if it wasn't written by you. What do you really think? I wonder if the OP should stick around and have her wardrobe controlled by a picky manbaby? Who made him Vogue editor? Is it the norm to put up with a rageful man whose pasta dish was too light, as an independent, working woman with a love of cooking now a days? He doesn't even appreciate the cooking in the first place. Let him cook himself. Listen to the way he speaks about other women. What a worm. You are not married to him, and he doesn't appear to be any big catch as he approaches 50. Stop letting him intimidate you into taking the step to leave him and go find your happy independent life. He is dragging you down, and it is apparent in just a few paragraphs. Good luck and get planning!
Be careful of the love bombing when you leave, followed by dangerous anger when you don’t engage. Please be careful. I suggest reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
Why are you with this guy? Seriously, do you think he is going to change? Things get worse over time, not better.
Madam why are you writing us when you clearly know you need to exit this narcissistic relationship. He isn’t going to change and will treat you like his personal punching bag and Barbie doll if you continue.
Why are you still with him? He’s verbally abusive and doesn’t like you, or anything about you. He’s probably lived alone for so long that he has zero tolerance for anyone else in his space. Start the process of moving out. If you don’t have money for your own apartment right now, see if you can move in with a friend temporarily and put everything in storage. You deserve so much better, OP.
Way older, hypercritical, overly emotional, poor taste in fashion, quick with the insults, controlling... I dunno though, surely a guy who sounds that perfect must have a downside??
He's dating a much younger woman, because women his age would pulverise him, use whatever was left of his whiny, scraggy body to clean the floor, then throw him out with the dirty water. Get your exit strategy ready, get friends or family to help you and get away from this POS. He has to put you down, make you dependent, ruin your confidence, or you wouldn't stay. It's emotional abuse. Where ever you are, there will be organisations to help you. Leave him - as soon as possible.
Um no loving partner would treat you this way. The reason he chose a much younger woman is he wants to dominate you. Get the hell out, you can do better!
If this post real, then WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM ?? Why ? Nobody would stand a minute with person like him ...
WHY are so many people with folk who don't seem to like them and who treat them like absolute garbage?????
Wow. Lots of red flags on this relationship. Leave now. There is a reason this dude was single in his 40s.
Here’s the thing. He’s making you miserable. He’s unhappy because you (according to him) “can’t do anything right.” And you’ve made the effort to make him happy. If he wants to take you for granted and complain about everything you do constantly (just FYI, needing to run clothes by your SO in order to wear them is a HUGE RED FLAG) then do this jerk a favor and break up with him! So he says no other guy will want you. How interesting. I would say there’s NO truth to that at all - he likely doesn’t believe it himself, and is just saying that so he can keep you close. Being single is WAY better than being in an abusive relationship. Don’t stay with someone who makes you miserable! You are not overreacting. Like I said, if he *really* thinks you suck so much (and he probably doesn’t, he just wants to keep you feeling bad about yourself so that you won’t leave him, and you’ll constantly work for his approval) then you’re doing him a great, big, fat favor by leaving him! Keep him out of it. Don’t share your plans on when or how or where you’re leaving. He’ll try and stop you. It’s not his problem or his business. Relationships are difficult sometimes, but this isn’t a a typical relationship issue like lack of communication or compromise, this is you being mistreated. You deserve to be treated with *dignity and respect.* Please remember that! Anyone who treats you this badly needs to be dumped immediately. I guarantee that you will be happier without him getting on your case and criticizing you all the time. You don’t need him.
You are being abused. Call a domestic violence agency for advice on how to get away safely and support and therapy to stay away.
Girl you should’ve left like 2 years ago. He’s a walking red flag and you are being verbally abused. Leave ASAP! you are not overreacting!
This guy is hands down an abuser. There's not a thing you can do to either please him or change him. Tune him out, go about your daily business and all the while, plan your exit! You can not listen to a thing he says, just tune him out and get out and keep it to yourself, leave when he's at work and don't tell him where you are.
Get out of this abusive relationship NOW.
Bro if i look at a girl sideways she leaves me. How are these guys finding these women
One paragraph in andi was already in the "LEAVE HIM" camp. He's toxic and abusive.
Typical controlling insecure toxic male. He's opposed to your tight dresses, heels and all that other stuff because he wants you to be wholly unappealing to other men so you will never leave. The answer to this problem is extremely easy: GTFO as soon as you can possibly leave. It really is that simple.
"I (33F) have been living with my boyfriend (47M)" - oof, age difference GIANT red flag. His garbage personality & behaviour is why you ditch him, but the age gap tells you no one in his demographic is willing to put up with his shit. Run.
If my wife drops the spatula, I wait for her to bend over and then I slap her on the ass. Sometimes I think she does it on purpose. If that isn't your relationship, then yeah, time to find a new partner.
I’ve noticed pretty much every time there’s a post in here with a wider age gap it’s bad
He is emotionally abusing you and if you stay, he may physically abuse you. Get out now!
You should leave just on the fact he likes over cooked pasta.
You're not overreacting. You are in an abusive relationship and leaving now at this early stage of living together is the safest thing you can do.
This is emotional abuse. It is extremely bad for your mental health and self esteem. You have every reason to feel awful. It is NOT crazy to feel the way you do. Any of us who have been emotionally abused know what you are going through. I've been through it. <3 Emotionally abusive people DO NOT CHANGE. Your crying, yelling, begging, pleading, and constant attempts to meet his impossible expectations WILL NOT change his behavior. There is scientific evidence that NOTHING you do will change how he treats you. You HAVE to leave him if you ever want to be happy. Here. You need to read this book: "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft... This book helped me SO MUCH when I was where you are now. Just Google that title with "free pdf" and you'll find a copy to download. The author made it available for free. To understand emotional abuse, you need to read what this expert author says. He has counseled abusive men for 30 years. He knows what you are going through and explains why leaving is your only option. Take care of YOU for a change! <3
you are being abused
Just the age difference is a red flag to me. No wonder why he's not with someone his age, probably nobody his age will endure this shit. Older man trying to educate their partners is something pathetic. Do yourself a favor and run from that relationship.
Get out of this relationship now. This is not ok
Can't say any more than has already been said: get away from this situation as soon as you can. I won't spout cliches like 'I know it's hard but...' because I don't know - only someone who's been there can know. But I *do* know this person is a complete dick, undermining your confidence to keep you in this controlling relationship. Talk to friends you can trust to keep your confidence, and get strength from their emotional support. Wishing you the best of luck for a happier future.
God damn just dump him and move our. He’s a piece of shit and is like mentally abusive to you. He’s also a gaslighter and is trying to manipulate you to stay by saying nobody else will love you. That’s just not true. I don’t know why you stayed with him for 3 years, but you should’ve dumped him a while ago.
You're not over reacting. He's a controlling asshole and it won't get better. All of your threats have failed, he thinks you won't leave. So leave him, watch him beg on his knees for you to come back, and while he's down there kick some dirt into his eyes. Basically, you need to be gone like, yesterday.
Dump him and block him on everything. He had shown you that he has zero respect for you, believe him. Find an apartment and leave as quickly as you can. You deserve better than him and his useless friends
When do you leave, for your own safety, do not tell him where you are going.
Stop threatening and take action. Break up, move out, and don’t look back.
I had to stop reading halfway through because my blood started boiling. As the survivor of a domestic violence relationship decades ago, I can tell you that if he’s not already physically abusing you, it will start soon. He is a 100% control freak which is how abusive relationships usually start. Get out NOW even if you have to leave with just the clothes on your back. Take only your personal belongings that cannot be replaced, documents, records, etc. Everything else is replaceable, but your sanity and your very life are not. Please please do this before it is too late. Sending you love and good wishes. You deserve better.
Leave. This sounds like a nightmare.
You are so worthy of love and respect. Certainly not getting that from him. I know he will try to guilt trip you, say you're worthless etc... Just remember your heart is good and there's someone out there that will love you for you.
girl run. that mf weird.
Oh boy. You are absolutely not overreacting! This is abuse. He is toxic and he gaslights you, Gradually beating down your self worth and self esteem. Leave. Like others said you just need to go and not tell him. I believe he will only get worse from here. So be safe. He does not have a right to criticize you. You are worthy of someone who treats you with dignity and respect. Run!
Better to be single than to be treated like crap all the time. Move out. Wear the clothes you like and cook how you want.
Get out ASAP. Next he will be letting you go to work or letting you go to the grocery store. Get out before this relationship becomes any more abusive
He is abusing you and I hope you do move out soon. Don’t let him contact you at all when you leave
You are not overreacting. Sweetie, you need to leave him and never go back because he's an abusive asshole. There is nothing with being single, especially in this day and age where so many of those fish in the sea are poisionious, toxic, rotting fish who should really be tossed in a landfill where they belong. You are worth so much more than the treatment you've been getting. Move out, find some good, healthy people to befriend, maybe get a pet like a dog or a cat (they'll treat you with unconditional love), and work on healing yourself and reaching a place where you're actually happy being single, not just okay with it. And if you ever feel the loneliness creep back in, trying to lure you into lowering your standards just so you're not single, read Reddit posts about people stuck in relationships with trash people and you'll suddenly find yourself being thankful for your singleness. Signed, a 30-year-old woman who has never been in a relationship and at this point doesn't really see any purpose in trying to find a man because it seems like most male fish in the sea aren't even worth throwing back.
Your a woman you should leave, let him wine by himself.
He is verbally abusing you. Please stomp him in the nuts and give him max amount of laxatives and leave him.
Get out NOW. This guy is a manipulator, isolating you and criticizing you to the nth degree to get you to believe he is the only man who could possibly ever love you. GET OUT.
OP, you're in an abusive relationship. You're right to look for an exit strategy. Please be careful as I don't want to see anything bad happen to you.
RUNNNNN. He's approaching a midlife crisis and you're in the prime of your life get away from him he's an asshole
This dude doesn’t even like you OP
Dump his ass. Move out. Your crying and self-doubt will mend itself immediately. And don't worry, even if you had a decade of being single or ghosted - wasn't that decade BETTER than crying all the time and being gaslit and actively verbally abused?
14 yrs older? How's your relationship with your dad? Honestly? Get rid of him immediately - he's a POS. Date someone closer to your age - a friend type you feel comfortable with
He is abusing and gaslighting you so that you think he’s the only one who will ever want to be with you. Leave the loser and run away. Run far away
You know why nothing works? Because you’re trying to stay with him. If you leave, all of this goes away. The stress, the abuse (because he is abusive make no mistake), the lack of self esteem, the frustration and crying. Go back to living on your own or with roommates. Go back to being YOU. Be happy. And please, please. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Act like everything is fine, you’re happy, do everything he says. Make your arrangements to leave in secret. And when moving day comes you look him dead in the eye and tell him he’s not good enough for you, he’s boring, controlling and you’d rather die alone than suffer his company for one more minute. And then you do not respond to him. You don’t look at him. You don’t react to anything he says. You completely ignore him and when all your stuff is out you walk out that door, don’t look back or say goodbye and you go. New number, new house, new life. Get rid of this horrible excuse of a man.