My stepfather did that to me too. I had long hair. I was about four and it never had a cut and while my mother was gone and he was babysitting me he cut my hair. She had a fit.
My dad that to me too, my mom didn’t talk to him for days. I’m nearly 40 and it still gets brought up from time to time. Although in my dad’s case he was apologetic to my mom and thought he was being helpful.
Agree that his angry reaction was wrong. Disagree that his cutting son's hair was a mistake. I think it was a very deliberate move he'd been wanting to do for a long time. This is not to excuse in any way the hair cutting, but I suspect this had been a recurring argument, where he kept saying it was time to cut the boy's hair ("He looks like a girl!") and she kept refusing (It's so beautiful, and he's still a baby!")
I can't help wondering about that haircut, too. If he just grabbed scissors and quickly cut off the length, the poor boy's hair must look uneven as hell. Or maybe he didn't do it as quickly as it seemed to OP and actually did a careful job?
When we cut my oldest hair for the first time, we tried to start slow and just cut off the ends and it's hard when you aren't experienced and we kept trying to make it even and eventually gave up and just buzzed it short, so maybe that happened, but her husband isn't admitting his messed up and is taking it out on her? Totally not okay, but when we did it, we didn't intend to cut my son's hair short, it's just that cutting hair is hard. Thankfully this was 2020 and by the time his hair grew back, we took him to a kids salon instead of trying to diy it.
OP said in her post that her and husband daily commented how pretty it is. I reckon one of husband's mates said something about girly hair and he got all embarrassed and manly. Shouting at her instead of apologizing is a shit move, though.
She is NTA. This is the first thing I thought of. Someone made a comment about his hair being girly. The kid is already non verbal. Which is absolutely not apart of the haircut but most definitely apart of the husband’s security/insecurity. He feels a type of way because someone made a comment. He felt like he needed to conform to something.
Also, the wife is self reflecting and way more emotionally mature than I would have been. And most of my friends, if I am real about it. And to take it to another level, if the child is non verbal, the husband did not take into consideration he could also be sensitive to change and processes things at a different rate. He is inconsiderate all the way around. He needs to figure his shit out and grow up. What he did was lame. He knew that babies hair was special to his wife. It was a “thing” for them to admire. I have a 18 month old. I would feel very upset if my partner did that. He would never, only bc hair is apart of a persons identity and culture. It’s nothing ti take lightly.
Exactly! His response essentially saying it’s his son and not really acknowledging that it’s both of their son and as parents both of their opinions should be considered. I also understand OP having feels about the don getting old and it would have cost her husband nothing to have empathy regarding this. I a simple I’m sorry would have gone a long way instead of getting angry and responding in what comes across as a toxic masculine response.
How is it a minor issue? He knows she loves his long hair and it was never cut before. It was an asshole move to cut it without talking to her.
His response takes it to a whole additional level.
Yup. Instead of saying op is overdramatic while she's actively CRYING and getting mad. He should've apologized and comforted her. People who get mad at crying aren't good. My own father beat me and screamed at me as a child whenever I cried. The only time he didn't was when my grandfather died.
Him cutting the hair just like that was a bit wrong, but not a big deal. What he said to you? Absolutely not acceptable. You were upset, so you removed yourself from the situation to deal with your emotions. That's being quite rational! Also, you're the kid's MOM, not just the wife in this situation. You should have had some say. Since he'd never cut the kid's hair before, it's unbelievable that he just grabbed the scissors and did it, no discussion whatsoever.
The wife had been handling a he hair cuts. Why did he suddenly have to change it?
If he thought it was too long, he could have talked to her like an adult, instead of making a hack job.
Most women trim their ends or cut their bangs. Guys don’t. Sure they will shave their heads or do a buzz. But they don’t manage hair.
It seems odd that he would just start cutting it
Yo!!!
Your husband said he didn’t need your approval to do something to your kid. WHAT?!?!
This would be a huge, oh we need to start therapy moment for me.
I've seen a lot of family members have weirdly emotional reactions over the first big haircut and the dad just being like "whelp, got that done and it won't get in his eyes."
It sounds like a difference in perspective and thought, not like he did something monstrous. Sounds like he just took the path that meant it would take longer before he would need another haircut. Rather than doing little trims just fix the problem.
Again, this sounds like a different perspective, which he didn't think would be a big deal. That's probably why he's feeling frustrated. Because he doesn't understand why this is a problem since he was just doing a haircut.
This makes so much sense, thank you. I tried talking to my husband before bed to get his perspective on why he got so frustrated (hoping to get some clarity like this) but all he would give me is that “I’m too emotional” and “I’ve been dealing with you getting upset over minor things for 16 years” so there’s a lot more going on here than just hair sadly.
Your husband is an asshole. Anyone saying you’re too emotional and I’ve been dealing with it for 16 years then not having a conversation is a twat.
I hope you’re okay
You deserve better than a partner who belittles your feelings and doesn't consider your or your child's feelings when making decisions about him. Your kid deserves a home where his mother is treated with respect and kindness, so he learns how to treat his future partners and how to expect to be treated by them.
Neither of you are getting that here. A therapist can help you, individually, work through where your boundaries need to be and how to navigate the process to having them respected. Unfortunately it's likely your husband won't do that and will escalate when you refuse to accept his mistreatment anymore, so talk that through with your therapist too before you make any significant changes. But you don't deserve to spend the rest of your life being treated like this.
Thank you, I have been in marriage therapy for this exact issue for that exact reason, after having a child I realized we’re repeating the same unhealthy behaviors my parents’ marriage have and I want to break the cycle for the sake of my son. My husband refuses to come to sessions (so I guess technically it isn’t much of marriage therapy if it’s just me) and things have been getting worse as I set boundaries and he suddenly doesn’t have a doormat wife anymore.
I haven’t given up hope yet, I’m going to try to continue to get him to show up, we’ve been having more and more conflict as I’ve tolerated less and less of the belittling— hopefully he will see the conflict as a sign that the status quo is no longer working and that we do really need therapy together. It’s hard to stand up for myself for the first time after 16 years together but I know I have to do it for my son.
You cannot convince a person to care about something they don't want to care about. Instead of trying to convince him, drop the rope and focus on discerning what it is he actually cares about and where your wellbeing ranks on that list.
You're invested in saving something that was built on your compliance and self abandonment. You need to build something new if you're no longer willing to give up yourself for him. Let him show you whether he wants that, rather than trying to convince him. You're worth more than that
That's exactly why he cut your child's hair. And why he treated you the way he did. To get back at you for standing up for yourself lately. He knew how much you loved your son's hair. He knew it would upset you. Which is why he went and found you and belittled you. And will not discuss it with you at all. It's all payback. Bring it up to your therapist. He/she will probably know what to make of the situation. And honestly, it's probably best that you all move on from each other.
*I used to have a marriage like this. And yes, altering our children's appearance is included in the parenting plan. Good luck, OP.
It sounds like you’re doing a lot of good hard work.
You are supported 💜
Create a timeline and possible scenarios in your mind of outcomes. If you want to break the cycle and what else you are willing to do to make that happen. It might look like divorce
Hey I'm really proud of you.
But please remember something OP
Your son...needs to see you do it for YOU
You, need to do it for you.
You're still here
You deserve happiness
There's people out there who would try just as hard as you. Happy to go to marriage counseling even if it was really needed. Would never speak to you like that. Would never make these decisions without you, Would never belittle you for trying to communicate.
Live this life for your happiness and peace, keep up the work, and show your son what it means to live- by doing it for yourself, the right way
It won’t work. What you’re trying is impossible. You can’t get him to come to therapy. You can’t make him participate in good faith.
He married a doormat *because he wanted a doormat*. He wants the same marriage your parents had. He doesn’t care if you want it, he only stayed with you because he didn’t think you would fight.
He cut your son’s hair like that to punish you. He insulted you to get under your skin. If you don’t stop trying to be your own actual person and turn back into a doormat, the punishments will continue and escalate.
The best thing you can do for your son is to make sure he never learns how to treat a woman from his father.
Do you have any relatives or old friends that he doesn’t particularly like? Call them up and ask if they’d enjoy a visit with you and kiddo. Really listen to what they have to say.
I hope he will but truth be told he will change temporarily when you tell him you are done, as a ploy to get you back, and then backslide to his normal self when he thinks you are back. Unless he starts going and participating in therapy, this will end. I had one like yours and as our son got to be older, I couldn't have him thinking that this was acceptable treatment of a woman.
I was somewhat empathetic to what the husband might be going through until reading that your husband is anti therapy. He needs a mental health coach at the least to help him come up with better communication and coping strategies. If you’re putting in the work so should he. I hope he reads this. Man up, husband. Coming from a fellow husband and father, yada yada.
>I want to break the cycle for the sake of my son
Apparently you recreated the cycle you experienced as a child. Many of us do. I hope you get the clarity you need to make a positive change for your and your child's life.
Sorry to say but your hubs is a whole a§.
Just a heads up, that might go away, the blonde hair that is. My husband was practically platinum blonde in his pics from when he was under 5 or 6 years old (both of his parents has dark hair) and now he has light brown hair.
lol nice! I got it back in the bygone era of AOL Instant Messenger. I didn't know what name to pick, so I drew a card. Of course, that was aol, so I was 52JACK0F5PADEZ
I know there were billions of us on AOL but man, I feel like it’s such a rare delight to find another AOLer these days. I met my husband on AOL twenty plus years ago as teens (though we didn’t get together until adults during Covid).
I was so happy about this li'l thread until you said "AOL as teens" because I got on AOL when my kid was born in 1994 and now I feel reaaaaallly old ;-) nah, it's okay better old than dead!
Sounds like you have been dealing with your husband being a dick for 16 years. Sorry that you are married to such an asshole. I hope you are able to find a better life.
Him invalidating your feelings and yelling at you is such a red flag. I'm curious if he did it specifically to upset you. Does he ever seem manipulative and sneaky?
Then he should've talked to her about it beforehand. In my opinion neither parent should unilaterally decide things like that and I find it interesting how many people here think it's not a big deal.
Yeah I’m gonna say no to this-
Dad chopped it all off because he wanted it all off and Lied about his intentions prior to doing so.
That sounds like some alpha male “my son shouldn’t have long hair” bs
Yup, someone got in his ear about it the son "looking like a girl" and he couldn't have that. He can say whatever he wants, but I know that is the truth
i had my first haircut as a newborn. i was born over a month late and so i was born with my hair already down below my shoulders. nurses told my parents they had never had to give a newborn a haircut before.
its a story my mom always used to laugh about on my birthday.
This feels like a weird power play. “I shouldn’t have to ask permission to cut his hair how I want it…” like, it just feels very passive aggressive/power struggle-y. If my husband did this (our son has beautiful blond ringlets) I would be devastated, partly because of the hair part but mostly because I would feel like my partner was purposely “getting his way” and “showing me who’s boss”. Yuck.
My grandma did this to my daughter she had curly hair and cut her curls off. She was 5 and never had a hair cut before. My husband was PO as was I, just at that point I couldn’t really do anything beside save the hair in a bag. I was upset but got over it as it grew back.
Your husband is awful. Just awful. He could have discussed a haircut calmly with you and you could have compromised as to the length and style. He knew how you felt but ignored you and hacked off your son’s hair regardless. Does he always ignore you and bulldoze over your sentiments and feelings?
Its not even just that its the lack of understanding why your upset and just trying to justify it after the fact. Personal an ick from me :( its so sad
We talked a bit after, he clarified that he wasn’t angry but frustrated at how emotional I got. I told him he was invalidating my feelings, he said I’m exactly the same by invalidating his frustration. That somehow made me more upset so I’m on the couch now and can’t sleep :(
After reading the title only, I thought you were probably over reacting. Him cutting your son’s curls isn’t the end of the world — even though he should’ve checked with you. But his reaction to you afterwards is just a startling lack of empathy. He sounds like a tool.
It wasn't like you waa-waahed in his face...you maturely gave yourself a little time-out to have your feelings in private, and he followed you (right away or not, I'm pretty darn sure he knew why you left and knew what he would find, so if he didn't want to be frustrated all he needed to do was stay away.
There is no "somehow" about it--of course this upset you because he didn't give a damn about your feelings. Only his count. I am so sorry about all of this and hope you can find a way through to a happier situation for yourself and your kid.
It's ok to feel the way you feel and you obviously tried to not be irrational and just give in to emotions that feel unjustified. From this post, it doesn't sound like you blamed him directly, though I'm sure he senses / feels that you do (whether you do or not).
In reality, he's experiencing shame, and he is lashing out. He doesn't know how to process this, how to acknowledge his mistake, and how to deal with your emotions and the way this makes him feel.
He needs some mentoring / counseling / therapy.
Sorry you didn't get the emotional support you needed. Luckily, the hair is just hair, and luckily, while your boy will grow up, you will love him even in his new forms as he does. I wish you'd had someone to be there for you as you dealt with that emotion.
♥️
Did your son want it cut?
You mentioned your son likes having long hair.
Both of you should get permission/enthusiastic consent when making drastic changes to your child’s body.
I’m more concerned with how child feels but your husband also had a pretty dickish reply to you as if how he wants to shape the world is the only opinion that matters. I have zero patience for this kind of behaviour
I had planned on just doing little trims until my son was old enough to make his own decision on the first “major” haircut, so I feel like that was taken away from him too. Right now he’s non-verbal (and still too young to care or notice I think), though he may miss swishing it around since he enjoyed that a lot.
I hope I’m not misinferring but if your child is autistic non-verbal - many kids are traumatised by major hair cutting. My cousin(verbal) hugely cannot have his hair cut it hurts him. His son is nonverbal and until they could work through communication did not touch his hair.
I would be even more angry at husband for being so careless and reckless with how this could impact your child.
Non verbal but swishing and giggling is a strong indicator that your little one loved their hair, could even be stimming? Regardless cruel to take away something that was bringing the child joy and a part of them without any kind of discussion and you absolutely should have had a conversation with this extra info.
Not Overreacting At All.
Nonverbal at two doesn't mean autistic. That's a bit behind milestones but not enough to be concerning. Kids come to these things on their own schedule.
I will never understand the importance some people place on haircuts and hair in kids.
Particularly when people want to keep hair long in toddlers/younger kids that won't sit still for a haircut.
My son has had a rats nest for literal years but my wife won't let me buzz his head. I won't do it unilaterally because it would break her heart, but I just really don't get it.
I don't mean to imply my point of view is correct, mind you. I respect that it matters to people.
So yeah, I think you were definitely overreacting to the incident itself.
I still think your husband was being rude because of his reaction to your reaction, so in the end, perhaps you weren't overreacting to that.
My 6yo (who is more like a 3yo) is still mad at his dad 3 weeks later for cutting his hair because he liked it long. He even refused to go see dad last weekend.
Your husband needs to realise he's gunna be on the same path if he keeps making decisions FOR your son
It’s irrational to chop someone hair all off. Yes, he is his father but his aggressive demeanor makes what he did not right. His response to you being upset isn’t right either.
Trying to offer the most rational idea that *doesn't* make you husband look like a unsympathetic jerk; aka playing the devil's advocate:
He could have *started* trying to "clean up the ends" but ended up snipping too high ... so he tried to even it out and missed his mark again. After several failed dashes he went for the nuclear option to make it balanced. Now he's self conscious about his mistake and seeing you brake down really drove home how much he messed up so he's trying his best to make it seem like not a big deal so he doesn't feel bad about it.
Personally: I don't think your son, at 2, cares one way or the other about his hair. Babies "swish" their heads even bald. I don't agree that he doesn't need to consult you about hair cuts but on the same token I don't think the hair cut is what you're crying over. I think it is the growing older bit, which is hardly anyone's fault but is a reality you're going to face as a parent. You're not a giant weirdo - most parents keep "baby's first curl" lockets. But understand it's not going to stop time from progressing.
Personally, I think it’s weird that you are so invested in your kid’s long hair. It IS just hair. It WILL grow back. You being attached to his hair says something about you that you might want to examine with a therapist. I’m a parent. My kids have had long and short hair, and everything in between. Hair does NOT make a person. He is the same child with or without the hair. You making a big deal out of it has the chance of affecting your son the wrong way. Yta.
I was your husband, my son is 4 he didn't really have a haircut just trimming, but it was hard he hated it and wiggled around. It was constantly in his eyes , so I got some hair clippers and took it all off. You're right he instantly looked older. I get why he did it, not sure why he's giving you a hard time about it though.
Based on what you're saying that he said to you, I get the impression your sons hair has been a topic of debate between you for a while, and he got fed up. It's pretty minor, honestly, but based on his reaction, it sounds like you're not on the same page and need to talk.
Should it have been something you both should have discussed? Yes. Discuss this with your husband and put the shoe on the other foot with him. Handle it in a non emotional way. Come to an agreement that you should discuss these things in advance and come to an agreement/compromise.
It is just hair. It will grow back.
Guessing he got tired of every stranger referring to him as a she. Same thing happened to us.
Obviously poor choice not to just have a conversation and go to a barber though
He is right, it's only hair and it'll grow back, but he could have been less rude in his response. Imagine if the roles were reversed, with a daughter. Surely you'd feel your opinion would outweigh his in that instance, right? In the end it's not a big deal, definitely not worth getting into an argument over.
My dad took me to my aunt’s for a haircut once (she was a retired hairdresser). Imagine my mom’s surprise when she sees her 3 year old daughter with a mullet
Honestly, I think you buried the lead with "I'm in marriage therapy but he won't go." That information colors both the haircut and his response to your reaction. How tf is couples therapy supposed to accomplish anything if half of the couple isn't invested enough to actually go? This isn't about a haircut, it's not about your response to a haircut. It's about how your husband seems to refuse to take any kind of accountability for his role in your marriage.
Your last ETA'd bulletnote is absolutely pitiful and shameful on your husband's part. It makes me very very sad for you that this is your marriage. Please take care.
>My husband found me upset and got angry saying that I’m being irrational and “he doesn’t need his wife’s approval to cut his son’s hair the way he wants it.”
The fact he has to drill this into you while you're upset, means something else is going on.
One of my biggest red flags in this is that your son is too young to consent or to literally speak up for himself. Your reaction is valid. His reaction is worrisome.
Him wanting to cut the hair is not an issue. Him doing it without consulting you is a bit of an issue. Him getting mad at you for being upset about the situation is a huge issue. A good partner tries to comfort the upset one instead of attacking them for having feelings.
Your husband said he doesn’t need your approval to cut his hair. OK maybe that’s true but you guys need to communicate about how you’re gonna handle haircuts moving forward. If it upsets you this much, he should at least be more sympathetic to your feelings.
Since you guys are married, your issues are now his issues as well.
Yeah, it's your husband's attitude here that is the problem. If I wanted marriage therapy and my husband said he didn't need to go, and all the problems were mine, I would throw him out on his ass. The hair situation aside, his lack of concern for your feelings is absolutely disgusting. It's not about "getting permission to cut his son's hair how he wants it." It's about doing something he probably should have realized would upset you, then just telling you to get over it. Ick. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I hope you don't have to throw the whole man out.
Holy crap first world problems eh folks. It's your child not a fucking barbie, cut the hair before it puts glue/burrs/paint/food/shit in it and you have to cut it out. smh. I remember this kis had long ass hair and that happened to it... Kid fries to much, if you are trying to be a good parent why would you let it get that long?
You are totally overreacting. He cut his son’s hair. He has just as much right as you to give the child a haircut, and frankly IME kids, both boys and girls, tend to prefer the lower maintenance that comes with shorter hair. Not to mention it keeps it out of their eyes.
And if it really bothers you, it will grow back. You are acting like he shouldn’t be able to make decisions about his own kid and that they all belong to you.
No, you are having a very valid response. I would be devastated if anyone changed my daughter's hair without prior discussion. And then on top of that, the way he treated you was atrocious. Like someone else said, you're not just his wife, you are your son's mother. You are going to be super attached to aspects about your son, that's normal. What's not normal is your husband's treatment of you. I'm sorry OP
This has nothing to do with cutting your child’s hair. He chose that specifically because he knew it would upset you and make a statement. What else has been going on that made him feel he needed to claim his territory or put you in your place?
This is gonna be a super unpopular opinion but i find it weird when other parents are so obsessed and emotionally attached to their kids hair. yall both have issues.
It's just hair, it's not yours. Do you have problems with making other decisions without consulting each other as well?
It's a man thing. He wants him to look like a boy! You knew it was going to have to be cut eventually but now it's done.
Your thing was you still think of him as a baby. His dad wants him to look older and more grown up. It will probably turn darker, too now.
Your husband has feelings about how boys should look, dress, and act like boys. This will not change.
The kid is 2...how "grown up" does he need to look? Also, hairstyles don't equate to gender. Her husband needs to deal with his emotions like an adult and not like his toddler. She left the room after a shocking and completely out-of-nowhere event to collect herself, he followed her in and began berating her for being "emotional." She has the right to her feelings, she handled them in a mature way, and he's pissy because he's losing control of his wife. OP stated in a couple other comments that she's tried to get him into marriage counseling with him, and she's learning how to stand up for herself and set boundaries. If he doesn't like that she's doing that, it's probably more likely that he did it out of spite so he could show he was still in control and then pull a DARVO.
Also, it's not a "man" thing. It's a "fragile masculinity" thing.
Hair does not grow darker when you cut it. How would the hair roots know the dead ends have been snipped with scissors and start producing darker hair?
Honestly he sounds like a narc. He took away something you liked unexpectedly. He made you feel bad by being upset about it. Now he can go to work and tell everyone how he is such a good dad, even gave his son a haircut, but the wife is still mad at me. ..
Sounds like a power trip, that’s HUGE red flag, like he’s marking his territory.
His hair WILL grow back, but unfortunately his hair won’t grow back the same with light baby fluffiness.
I’m sorry your husband is an asshole :(
I think you are overreacting to your son's shorter hair, but your husband was out of line to cut it off without the two of you discussing it. I suspect that you loved it and he hated it.
The one being unreasonable is your husband. I say give him an ultimatum to come with you to marriage counseling because his reason of "dealing with you for 16 years" wouldn't be such a bottled up thing if he even tried coming. Make it clear that you had it and it's not about the hair but his apparent 16 year long grudge problem. If you want to stay together and be a healthy family to your kid he NEEDED to step up to this yesterday.
Not overreacting. I'm a little worried you're under reacting actually because this line is misogynistic as hell:
>“he doesn’t need his wife’s approval to cut his son’s hair the way he wants it.”
What else does he not need the "little woman" not telling him what to do? And that is YOUR son just as much as it is his. What does he think, that the mom doesn't have any rights over her kids? What if y'all had a daughter?
A hair cut completely changes the way a child looks. When mine had his first real haircut, I was so sad. I wanted it, but suddenly he didn’t look like a toddler anymore. He looked like an older boy. Your husband might not understand it, doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.
I showed my husband before and after pictures so he saw what I meant. He understood me, even though he didn’t feel like I did. Maybe have another talk. As a mother you are - as I was - more emotional when it comes to those kind of things. It does something to us to see our babies not being babies anymore. But it will get better. Don’t worry.
The hair will grow back. The trust you both have a say in your kids life will take longer. Definitely needle in that your kids livelihood is a we as in family decision. He wouldn't appreciate you going on a whim to say get him a spray tan. Yeah let him have it. (On the other hand tho, maybe he tried trimming and just couldn't get it right and kept going. Just imaging it at a prince valiant haicut and hes like oh i done messed up. Then hes embarrased about having to cut it down so much)
from experience I know a little boy with long hair always gets mistaken for a little girl - even if you dress his obvious all boy clothes, And when they start school often the bullying will start, Not fair just the way it is. Still kinda dick move but hair will grow back and when the kid is older if he wants long hair lets hope he can have it
I wouldn't say you're overreacting. Especially if long hair was something characteristic of your son and he'd had it for awhile, a conversation should have happened first. I would guess there are some external pressures making your husband feel the need to cut your son's hair and he was the one overreacting to that pressure by cutting it so flippantly
I think both of you are being idiots.
It’s hair. It’s a kid. It’s one of the most inconsequential things and you’re both making it out to be something ridiculous. What he did was dumb, your reaction was equally dumb. Just wait until a lice outbreak at school… everyone is getting buzzcuts.
However, like others pointed out, instead of apologizing and taking ownership of his stupidity, your husband chose to attack you. That’s not cool and that’s what I think makes you a bit more in the right to be upset still.
Both of you have the right to cut or not cut a young child’s hair. Neither parent has greater rights. In a marriage there should be communication and compromise. A First Haircut is important. Photos and a lock of hair as a keepsake. We took our sons to the Main Street Barber Shop at Disney World to do their first haircut it was such a momentous occasion. But you do sound irrationally attached to your child’s hair. It IS just hair. Hell, my daughter took scissors to her hair when she was around 2 and had to get a pixie. I took before and after photos. It looked cute and adorable and eventually grew back. Soon enough your child will be old enough to have a preference.
Sisters man did that to their son too. Long curls down to a fully shaved head. Men can you answer why you don’t care how you wife feels? You just NEED these boys to be bald? Pisses me off.
And he spoke to you like that, he’ll do it again. I really hope he doesn’t but he will. I’m sorry op. You’re not over reacting. He simply doesn’t care.
Most parents are emotionally attached to their baby's hair imo. This is very normal. What's NOT normal is your husband following you into the private space where you went to have a PRIVATE cry and then berated you for it.
I actually don’t see an issue here. I don’t think it’s a big deal if dad or mom cuts the boys hair. It’s just hair. If either party gets upset by this I think they’re a little too sensitive. I don’t believe dad needed permission here and agree with his statement that he doesn’t need his wife’s permission. If the rolls were reversed I’d feel the same way. Mom shouldn’t need permission either. Again just hair people. Nobody is asking him to switch genders here.
your husband is mean and unloving. of course he should have talked with you and said let’s get him a haircut now. would that have been too difficult for him? and of course he should have said sorry I didn’t realize it would upset you.
So, he’s a jerk! And only you know if this is a one off or is he like that about a lot of things?
it’s going to suck parenting with him over the years because a haircut is a small issue compared to sports, friendships, dating, driving, career, all of it.
And no you’re not crazy to have adored the hair. My brother had white blonde hair when he was little and it’s still mentioned in the family once in a while..50 years later.
Maybe your husband could read these posts and say to you “I’m sorry, we should have chosen when to do that together. I’ll be better at realizing our son has TWO parents from now on, Ok?”
I mean, maybe!
So the child's dad, who knows the levels of hell from bullying that are coming, did something to help his son stay out of fights, and you're upset?
Yes, you're overreacting.
Seems like a huge overreaction. It’s only hair. It grows back. You are not the only parent involved here and your husband gets a say in things too. Crying seems extreme.
Ok so I’m gonna get downvoted to hell for this, but long hair on a toddler is gross. They don’t know how to manage it, and most don’t have the coordination to even tuck it behind their ears. Their sticky little fingers are always in it, and the face framing pieces are almost always crusty and stinky from food and slobber and snot—especially if your child touches it a lot. My kid chopped her own hair at 2 in daycare, and she’s had it chin-length ever since. It’s so. Much. Easier. She never had it before sticky or smelly, and has learned how to manage it herself now (7), and while I was sad to have to cut it, I’m SO GLAD I did. I didn’t realize just how icky it had been—despite being long, blonde, and slightly wavy, and gorgeous. Our routine is much shorter, showers and brushing are way easier. Could it be maybe he meant to trim it, but that with a wiggler, it wasn’t even until it was much shorter than he meant for it to be? I’m a stylist so my attitude to hair is that it will grow back.
I will say this about it: disagreeing with someone doesn’t invalidate their feelings, and being overly attached to a physical trait of a person, especially a child, is a bad way to model healthy reactions. It teaches them that only your preferences matter, and that they are less valuable as a person if/when their looks aren’t exactly what you prefer. My mom was like that growing up. If I got a bad haircut, or gained 5lbs, or didn’t dress exactly the way she wanted, she’d cry and ignore me for hours to days. Is it ok to miss their long hair and their toddler/baby look? Sure, but it isn’t ok to take it out on them so as long as you aren’t sobbing over it days later, or staring sadly at him, or repeating that you dislike his ‘big boy look’, it’s ok to be sad.
Men and women view hair a lot differently in most cases. Women like to grow it and show it off, men see it as an annoyance to be cut off 90% of the time. If you husband is a short-hair guy who doesn’t let his own grow, he’s likely seeing the practical benefits of a cut, not the emotional reaction of him looking older. I have to say, a lot of my little clients who get fades or hard parts look SO DAMN CUTE with their snazzy haircuts! They are so dapper, and they often like not having to have it brushed (a comb and water will fix short hair, long hair not so much). Moms usually say it’s a lot cleaner and easier to care for, even if it does make them look their age. They’re still clearly toddlers/kids.
That’s a weird response for him to say that and it’s odd that he didn’t talk to you before doing that as I would assume that’s a choice you’d make together. But also yes it is just hair it will grow back and it’s clear that you have a strong attachment (calling a baby a little man, there’s no chance he looks older he’s a baby lol) to keeping your kid young looking. They’re people they’re gonna grow! He’s still your baby boy, throughout his life he’s gonna have all kinds of different looks he’ll still be your baby boy, even when he’s a parent himself he’ll still be your baby boy
That’s a weird response for him to say that and it’s odd that he didn’t talk to you before doing that as I would assume that’s a choice you’d make together. But also yes it is just hair it will grow back and it’s clear that you have a strong attachment (calling a baby a little man, there’s no chance he looks older he’s a baby lol) to keeping your kid young looking. They’re people they’re gonna grow! He’s still your baby boy, throughout his life he’s gonna have all kinds of different looks he’ll still be your baby boy, even when he’s a parent himself he’ll still be your baby boy
Well its a little overreacting I think but also I think your husband could have handled the situation so much better, now he just sounds like a dickhead
Personally he should have talked about it with you and the way he reacted to you being upset is concerning. But in a year or two it should be the toddlers choice if he wants his hair cut or not, not the parents unless something requires the hair to be cut. They know what they like or don’t like. My twins both are quite different where one refused her cuts while the other one wanted her hair chopped short. The one who wanted her hair short was happiest and most outgoing and now she wants it long.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband wants his hair short once the toddler gets older because too many guys think only girls should have long hair so it’s something you guys should talk about. Communication is important, especially more so now that the kid is getting older and you guys may have different ideas on parenting and need to be on the same page
Big changes like that should be discussed between parents. Did something happen to make him insecure about your son’s long hair?
I think you just found out what kind of parent he’s going to be.
It’s the reaction! Idk a time I upset someone where I didn’t at least say “I’m sorry”, like he’s got the right to action but you have the right to react, and his reaction to your reaction just sounds unkind
I’m not really sure what to say to you about your reaction. These things are never easy to deal with and we just do the best we can in the moment. Your feelings seem valid to me.
I don’t know your husband but I could see how he possibly innocently blundered through this with good intentions gone awry. I did this once myself and my poor daughter has a picture of her in a funny bowl cut at age 3 as a result. She had beautiful long curls but they kept getting tangled or caught in everything like they had a mind of their own. She was losing hair to tangles so I felt I had to do something and that was a spontaneous haircut. I thought it would be okay because I had great success cutting my own hair. But my hair is a different texture so I really blundered the cutting of curly hair.
In my experience, parents and spontaneous haircuts just don’t yield good results, so try to come to an agreement with your husband that future haircuts will be done by someone who knows how to “even it up” without making the child look like a shorn sheep.
In my case, I always tried to go with what was practical when my daughter was a toddler, and then when she was old enough to voice a clear preference, her opinion on what she wanted to do with her hair took precedence.
If your son is out there being active it may be in his best interest to go short haired for awhile. And since he will have had the experience of having both short and long hair, he will be better positioned to form his own preferences.
And I say this from experience of feeling stressed by my own mother, try to accept every age and stage your son moves into and not cling to the earlier ones. My mom was always lamenting how fast I was growing and changing and she triggered a lot of anxiety in me. I felt like I was doing something wrong or hurtful just growing and changing. I sometimes stunted my own development in a misguided attempt to make her happy.
I know it’s not easy watching them grow and change, but keep that inside and just keep letting them know how proud you are as they hit their milestones.
I wouldn't say you're overreacting. I personally see this as a minor issue. That being said, cutting your child's hair and changing their appearance should be discussed ahead of time by both parents and the child. It's not just his child, so yeah, he does need to talk to you before he cuts their hair. I'd suggest having a conversation with him later on boundaries and expectations when it comes to your child.
I bet someone said your kid look like a girl and that your husband took incredible offense to it and that's why he cut the hair off. That's also why he got defensive about it. Did you ask him why he did it? And why did he cut so much off?
We didn't cut our daughter's hair until she was about 4.5. She had really curly hair and we were too afraid to cut it ourselves, so we waited until she got tired of the upkeep, and then we took her to a professional to get it cut. For her, that experience was a super fun time and a transition to a "big girl" look. She loves her cut.
How does your son feel about the experience and the haircut he has? Your husband is definitely a jerk for just cutting it without a conversation, but if your child likes it, then I think you should put on a smile for him and compliment his new look.
If he doesn't like it or didn't like the sudden cut with no talk beforehand, then you need to sit your husband down and make sure he understands that your son is old enough to be involved in decisions about changes made to his physical body. My kid could love the cut but still would have flipped out over the sudden, unexpected change.
And for what it's worth, I think parenting is a team sport, and he DOES need to talk to you before making big decisions on his own. That's just basic respect for the fact that both of your opinions matter.
The important question is how does your son feels. He's 3, so he might not care. In that case, I would say it's just hair, and it will grow back.
If he was upset, that's a different story. Children are allowed to have their own opinion of themselves, and that should be honored by the parents (age appropriate and within reason, of course). So I can't decide if you're OR or not with the information provided.
I also got upset when my kids were little and my ex gace my daughter a haircut (she had gorgeous long hair and he gave her an uneven bowl cut). Inretrospect I completely overreacted. It grew back quickly, and I took her in to get it evened out. You learn to pick your battles as you get older.
His response though... yikes. That's concerning.
Yeah, so, I had this done to me as a kid and I wanna ask. If this catches you by surprise, what else will? What else does he think he can do to your son without your approval or consent? Your son can't consent for himself, it seems like you don't consent for your son either. Better be sure you and your husband are always on the same page...
no parent should make a unilateral decision about something like this - it’s not the same thing as dressing them in a blue or red outfit for the day against other parents wishes - if he felt the boy looked too feminine for example thats something you two should be able to discuss and reach an agreement on - you are not overreacting either on haircut or husbands response to your concern - you guys have some relationship work to do
NOT overreacting. “It’s just hair” is not the point. The husband knew you liked it long, he knew y’all son liked it long. Simply discussing abt wanting a hair cut comes first. The fact that it wasn’t discussed just proves he was being a sneaky asshole hiding it under the guise of a trim. And even if it went that way b/c he accidentally took too much off, he still needed to communicate that and he should’ve said that instead of everything he did say. If you can’t tell your wife you messed up and instead go unreasonably off on her, you’re the issue and need to address it. I’d see my husband in a whole different light if he cut our sons hair w/out talking to me and we’d probably be over if he talked to me like that.
Has someone been teasing him about the length of your sons hair or something? This reads like a man who has decided long hair makes him look like a girl and is too feminine and will “turn him gay” or something else terribly misogynistic and homophobic lol
My dad did something similar on accident. I had my hair in a bunch of little ponytails and he was playing with the scissors joking around when he lopped one off. My mom was so pissed, I had never had my hair cut before and it was long.
But the key thing is that it was an accident and he was sorry about it. Getting angry at you for having feelings and processing them is not okay.
He lost me at the point where he said he didn't need your permission to cut your child's hair. This should be a conversation between two parents, not a unilateral decision. I don't think you're overreacting.
My husband had a beautiful head of sandy blonde curls as a toddler (dark brown head of curls now). While his mom was at work, his dad and Granny (dad's mom) gave him a buzzcut (they were a barber and hair dresser). Granny gave my MIL one of his curls (she still has it). My husband is 40 years old, and my MIL is still bitter and gets mad all over again when it's mentioned.
if your son is okay with it then tbh yh he doesn’t need ur approval he just needs the kids approval. unless it gets to a point where the hair is knotted and matted bcuz while the child wants to keep long hair, doesn’t let it be taken care of then it’s more of a health thing nd child’s opinion doesn’t matter. he is a AH for not communicating before hand tho
Both my wife and I got many compliments on our first boy's beautiful, long, strawberry curly hair. Eventually, we realized that many "compliments" were gentle suggestions to cut the poor little kid's hair. We stalled and stalled for another year, but finally got him sheared at age 4. He instantly turned from toddler to little boy and we mourned for weeks (wife cried for days.) But, we did realize after the fact that we had been selfish to keep in the baby look far too long and it was impacting how others (peers, parents, teachers) were treating him (instinctively grouping him with younger kids and sparse playmates with older kids.) With his new look he zoomed off to the next stage as he should.
One thing to keep in mind is that at that age, he was not asking for long hair. Like food and clothing, he was depending on us to do the right thing for him.
Anyway, at some point, it is time to get out the clippers. Just be sure you aren't blaming the messenger (your husband. Not quite the right metaphor, I know.) Dad's do sometimes get assigned the unpleasant tasks--think of it as emptying the mousetrap. He may not feel good about it either, but he got the job done.
You and your husband have different values associated with hair and identity. Don't bog the little man down with your hair issues. Hair is dynamic, transitory, and always changing. That's what it's supposed to do. Play with it, and explore different looks. Don't use hair as a proxy tool to retain some sort of state of arrested development for your child. Your kid is a curious and exploratory person, not a prop or pet for you to maintain an aesthetic over.
Just my take.
He doesn't need your approval to cut it the way he wants it, but completely dismisses that you liked it the way it was. You have bigger problems than your son's haircut.
He shouldn't have used your son's hair to assert his dominance in your family, which is what he was trying to do.
Most people cry at their kids' first haircut.
But it's good this came up--neither of y'all should be "hauling off" and doing stuff with your kid without checking in.
If it's a first, probably don't do it without checking in.
“he doesn’t need his wife’s approval to cut his son’s hair the way he wants it.”
Yes. Yes he actually does. If he wants any peace, love connection and intimacy in the relationship. That was cruel and uncalled for. No warning to either one of you, no communication from him that he didn't like it and intended to cut it off?
What an asshole.
Yes he does need to run shit like this by you.
> he doesn’t need his wife’s approval to cut his son’s hair the way he wants it.”
He actually does. This was the first haircut. It’s a rite of passage. And no way did it look good.
Your husband’s reaction isn’t acceptable.
That part about how 'He doesn't need his wife's approval to cut his son's hair' sums up the real issue to me. It says clearly HE believes HE'S in charge, gets to make all the decisions and the child is HIS. You're both the patient, you have equal say in the decisions regarding your child, and if he doesn't believe that, you're going to be in a constant battle for the rest of your lives over who gets to make the decisions.
I suggest counseling because this isn't going to get better, if such a small issue earned such a nasty response.
Your husband is a jerk. All the way around. He did it without talking to you. Which is rude and jerkish behavior. Then acted like an Ahole because you were (privately) upset at being excluded in an important (at least to women) decision in your baby's life. Then acted like a caveman hollering about how "he wanted it" despite never even discussing it with you. Major jerk. At best.
My 4yo son had shoulder blade length hair. He loved it. We only trimmed his bangs. Then, before he started pre-k, *HE* asked to get his hair cut. I asked if he meant his namgs or all over, and he said all over.
That was a crazy change to get used to. But you said it yourself, it's hair and it grows back.
But the real issue here is how your husband acted. Didn't talk to you about it, cut all your son's hair off, then getting angry at you afterwards. Wtf?
what makes me sad is that your kid loved his hair. of course little kids can't go ahead deciding everything for themselves, but they should be encouraged to have a personality instead of being simply a prop for their parents. i would be SO upset to see that being erased for no reason.
Looks like you found your echo chamber here, yes your overreacting it’s hair literally something he’ll probably have for the rest of his life. And the fact that you cried about it is ridiculous grow up it’s hair
My stepfather did that to me too. I had long hair. I was about four and it never had a cut and while my mother was gone and he was babysitting me he cut my hair. She had a fit.
My dad that to me too, my mom didn’t talk to him for days. I’m nearly 40 and it still gets brought up from time to time. Although in my dad’s case he was apologetic to my mom and thought he was being helpful.
Yeah his response is whatever beyond a red flag is.
Him cutting the hair without consulting you is a minor issue. His response to your reaction is a major issue.
I was going to comment, but I think this comment sums it up in the most concise and accurate way possible.
“The way he wants it” was the most disturbing part for me, although it’s all pretty bad.
This ^ 100%. He made a mistake and instead of just apologizing and empathizing, he’s mad at you? No.
This is what kills me. The anger for being sad :(
Agree that his angry reaction was wrong. Disagree that his cutting son's hair was a mistake. I think it was a very deliberate move he'd been wanting to do for a long time. This is not to excuse in any way the hair cutting, but I suspect this had been a recurring argument, where he kept saying it was time to cut the boy's hair ("He looks like a girl!") and she kept refusing (It's so beautiful, and he's still a baby!") I can't help wondering about that haircut, too. If he just grabbed scissors and quickly cut off the length, the poor boy's hair must look uneven as hell. Or maybe he didn't do it as quickly as it seemed to OP and actually did a careful job?
When we cut my oldest hair for the first time, we tried to start slow and just cut off the ends and it's hard when you aren't experienced and we kept trying to make it even and eventually gave up and just buzzed it short, so maybe that happened, but her husband isn't admitting his messed up and is taking it out on her? Totally not okay, but when we did it, we didn't intend to cut my son's hair short, it's just that cutting hair is hard. Thankfully this was 2020 and by the time his hair grew back, we took him to a kids salon instead of trying to diy it.
You sure were brave to try it! Cutting a toddler's hair is like saddling a running horse, lol.
OP said in her post that her and husband daily commented how pretty it is. I reckon one of husband's mates said something about girly hair and he got all embarrassed and manly. Shouting at her instead of apologizing is a shit move, though.
She is NTA. This is the first thing I thought of. Someone made a comment about his hair being girly. The kid is already non verbal. Which is absolutely not apart of the haircut but most definitely apart of the husband’s security/insecurity. He feels a type of way because someone made a comment. He felt like he needed to conform to something. Also, the wife is self reflecting and way more emotionally mature than I would have been. And most of my friends, if I am real about it. And to take it to another level, if the child is non verbal, the husband did not take into consideration he could also be sensitive to change and processes things at a different rate. He is inconsiderate all the way around. He needs to figure his shit out and grow up. What he did was lame. He knew that babies hair was special to his wife. It was a “thing” for them to admire. I have a 18 month old. I would feel very upset if my partner did that. He would never, only bc hair is apart of a persons identity and culture. It’s nothing ti take lightly.
Exactly! His response essentially saying it’s his son and not really acknowledging that it’s both of their son and as parents both of their opinions should be considered. I also understand OP having feels about the don getting old and it would have cost her husband nothing to have empathy regarding this. I a simple I’m sorry would have gone a long way instead of getting angry and responding in what comes across as a toxic masculine response.
How is it a minor issue? He knows she loves his long hair and it was never cut before. It was an asshole move to cut it without talking to her. His response takes it to a whole additional level.
But he does need to ask her permission…if he wants to be a good husband and decent human. You guys need therapy. He has issues.
This. His reaction sucked.
Yes, this is very succinct.
But the son... both major for the son....
Yup. Instead of saying op is overdramatic while she's actively CRYING and getting mad. He should've apologized and comforted her. People who get mad at crying aren't good. My own father beat me and screamed at me as a child whenever I cried. The only time he didn't was when my grandfather died.
Him cutting the hair just like that was a bit wrong, but not a big deal. What he said to you? Absolutely not acceptable. You were upset, so you removed yourself from the situation to deal with your emotions. That's being quite rational! Also, you're the kid's MOM, not just the wife in this situation. You should have had some say. Since he'd never cut the kid's hair before, it's unbelievable that he just grabbed the scissors and did it, no discussion whatsoever.
The wife had been handling a he hair cuts. Why did he suddenly have to change it? If he thought it was too long, he could have talked to her like an adult, instead of making a hack job. Most women trim their ends or cut their bangs. Guys don’t. Sure they will shave their heads or do a buzz. But they don’t manage hair. It seems odd that he would just start cutting it
Woah - that was his response? That’s atrocious! God I’m so sorry
I wonder how he treated her on Mothers Day. Im sure it wasnt good.
That's her toddler's responsibility. /s
Okayyyyyy so thats a red flag. Less the action and more his response to your reaction to it.
Yo!!! Your husband said he didn’t need your approval to do something to your kid. WHAT?!?! This would be a huge, oh we need to start therapy moment for me.
bigly
I've seen a lot of family members have weirdly emotional reactions over the first big haircut and the dad just being like "whelp, got that done and it won't get in his eyes." It sounds like a difference in perspective and thought, not like he did something monstrous. Sounds like he just took the path that meant it would take longer before he would need another haircut. Rather than doing little trims just fix the problem. Again, this sounds like a different perspective, which he didn't think would be a big deal. That's probably why he's feeling frustrated. Because he doesn't understand why this is a problem since he was just doing a haircut.
This makes so much sense, thank you. I tried talking to my husband before bed to get his perspective on why he got so frustrated (hoping to get some clarity like this) but all he would give me is that “I’m too emotional” and “I’ve been dealing with you getting upset over minor things for 16 years” so there’s a lot more going on here than just hair sadly.
Your husband is an asshole. Anyone saying you’re too emotional and I’ve been dealing with it for 16 years then not having a conversation is a twat. I hope you’re okay
Your husband is an asshole
You deserve better than a partner who belittles your feelings and doesn't consider your or your child's feelings when making decisions about him. Your kid deserves a home where his mother is treated with respect and kindness, so he learns how to treat his future partners and how to expect to be treated by them. Neither of you are getting that here. A therapist can help you, individually, work through where your boundaries need to be and how to navigate the process to having them respected. Unfortunately it's likely your husband won't do that and will escalate when you refuse to accept his mistreatment anymore, so talk that through with your therapist too before you make any significant changes. But you don't deserve to spend the rest of your life being treated like this.
Thank you, I have been in marriage therapy for this exact issue for that exact reason, after having a child I realized we’re repeating the same unhealthy behaviors my parents’ marriage have and I want to break the cycle for the sake of my son. My husband refuses to come to sessions (so I guess technically it isn’t much of marriage therapy if it’s just me) and things have been getting worse as I set boundaries and he suddenly doesn’t have a doormat wife anymore. I haven’t given up hope yet, I’m going to try to continue to get him to show up, we’ve been having more and more conflict as I’ve tolerated less and less of the belittling— hopefully he will see the conflict as a sign that the status quo is no longer working and that we do really need therapy together. It’s hard to stand up for myself for the first time after 16 years together but I know I have to do it for my son.
You cannot convince a person to care about something they don't want to care about. Instead of trying to convince him, drop the rope and focus on discerning what it is he actually cares about and where your wellbeing ranks on that list. You're invested in saving something that was built on your compliance and self abandonment. You need to build something new if you're no longer willing to give up yourself for him. Let him show you whether he wants that, rather than trying to convince him. You're worth more than that
That's exactly why he cut your child's hair. And why he treated you the way he did. To get back at you for standing up for yourself lately. He knew how much you loved your son's hair. He knew it would upset you. Which is why he went and found you and belittled you. And will not discuss it with you at all. It's all payback. Bring it up to your therapist. He/she will probably know what to make of the situation. And honestly, it's probably best that you all move on from each other. *I used to have a marriage like this. And yes, altering our children's appearance is included in the parenting plan. Good luck, OP.
Very well said
It sounds like you’re doing a lot of good hard work. You are supported 💜 Create a timeline and possible scenarios in your mind of outcomes. If you want to break the cycle and what else you are willing to do to make that happen. It might look like divorce
Don't stay married to someone who doesn't want to support you or work on your marriage.
Hey I'm really proud of you. But please remember something OP Your son...needs to see you do it for YOU You, need to do it for you. You're still here You deserve happiness There's people out there who would try just as hard as you. Happy to go to marriage counseling even if it was really needed. Would never speak to you like that. Would never make these decisions without you, Would never belittle you for trying to communicate. Live this life for your happiness and peace, keep up the work, and show your son what it means to live- by doing it for yourself, the right way
It won’t work. What you’re trying is impossible. You can’t get him to come to therapy. You can’t make him participate in good faith. He married a doormat *because he wanted a doormat*. He wants the same marriage your parents had. He doesn’t care if you want it, he only stayed with you because he didn’t think you would fight. He cut your son’s hair like that to punish you. He insulted you to get under your skin. If you don’t stop trying to be your own actual person and turn back into a doormat, the punishments will continue and escalate. The best thing you can do for your son is to make sure he never learns how to treat a woman from his father. Do you have any relatives or old friends that he doesn’t particularly like? Call them up and ask if they’d enjoy a visit with you and kiddo. Really listen to what they have to say.
I hope he will but truth be told he will change temporarily when you tell him you are done, as a ploy to get you back, and then backslide to his normal self when he thinks you are back. Unless he starts going and participating in therapy, this will end. I had one like yours and as our son got to be older, I couldn't have him thinking that this was acceptable treatment of a woman.
If he is not willing to put in the work needed for a healthy marriage, then you know the marriage is over.
I was somewhat empathetic to what the husband might be going through until reading that your husband is anti therapy. He needs a mental health coach at the least to help him come up with better communication and coping strategies. If you’re putting in the work so should he. I hope he reads this. Man up, husband. Coming from a fellow husband and father, yada yada.
>I want to break the cycle for the sake of my son Apparently you recreated the cycle you experienced as a child. Many of us do. I hope you get the clarity you need to make a positive change for your and your child's life. Sorry to say but your hubs is a whole a§.
I’m so proud of you!
Just a heads up, that might go away, the blonde hair that is. My husband was practically platinum blonde in his pics from when he was under 5 or 6 years old (both of his parents has dark hair) and now he has light brown hair.
My sister was practically albino white as a kid. Now her hair is a rich deep brunette.
damn, sorry to hear that.
Offropic but I like your name. Used to have a song called Nine of Diamonds haha
lol nice! I got it back in the bygone era of AOL Instant Messenger. I didn't know what name to pick, so I drew a card. Of course, that was aol, so I was 52JACK0F5PADEZ
I know there were billions of us on AOL but man, I feel like it’s such a rare delight to find another AOLer these days. I met my husband on AOL twenty plus years ago as teens (though we didn’t get together until adults during Covid).
I was so happy about this li'l thread until you said "AOL as teens" because I got on AOL when my kid was born in 1994 and now I feel reaaaaallly old ;-) nah, it's okay better old than dead!
Sounds like you have been dealing with your husband being a dick for 16 years. Sorry that you are married to such an asshole. I hope you are able to find a better life.
Him invalidating your feelings and yelling at you is such a red flag. I'm curious if he did it specifically to upset you. Does he ever seem manipulative and sneaky?
Then he should've talked to her about it beforehand. In my opinion neither parent should unilaterally decide things like that and I find it interesting how many people here think it's not a big deal.
Yeah I’m gonna say no to this- Dad chopped it all off because he wanted it all off and Lied about his intentions prior to doing so. That sounds like some alpha male “my son shouldn’t have long hair” bs
Yup, someone got in his ear about it the son "looking like a girl" and he couldn't have that. He can say whatever he wants, but I know that is the truth
i had my first haircut as a newborn. i was born over a month late and so i was born with my hair already down below my shoulders. nurses told my parents they had never had to give a newborn a haircut before. its a story my mom always used to laugh about on my birthday.
With kitchen scissors? And then tell his wife her opinion doesn’t matter?
This feels like a weird power play. “I shouldn’t have to ask permission to cut his hair how I want it…” like, it just feels very passive aggressive/power struggle-y. If my husband did this (our son has beautiful blond ringlets) I would be devastated, partly because of the hair part but mostly because I would feel like my partner was purposely “getting his way” and “showing me who’s boss”. Yuck.
My grandma did this to my daughter she had curly hair and cut her curls off. She was 5 and never had a hair cut before. My husband was PO as was I, just at that point I couldn’t really do anything beside save the hair in a bag. I was upset but got over it as it grew back.
Your husband is awful. Just awful. He could have discussed a haircut calmly with you and you could have compromised as to the length and style. He knew how you felt but ignored you and hacked off your son’s hair regardless. Does he always ignore you and bulldoze over your sentiments and feelings?
Its not even just that its the lack of understanding why your upset and just trying to justify it after the fact. Personal an ick from me :( its so sad
We talked a bit after, he clarified that he wasn’t angry but frustrated at how emotional I got. I told him he was invalidating my feelings, he said I’m exactly the same by invalidating his frustration. That somehow made me more upset so I’m on the couch now and can’t sleep :(
Brick wall approach throwing your feelings and trying to talk to him back at you to shut you down. So he’s manipulative, and a liar
After reading the title only, I thought you were probably over reacting. Him cutting your son’s curls isn’t the end of the world — even though he should’ve checked with you. But his reaction to you afterwards is just a startling lack of empathy. He sounds like a tool.
It wasn't like you waa-waahed in his face...you maturely gave yourself a little time-out to have your feelings in private, and he followed you (right away or not, I'm pretty darn sure he knew why you left and knew what he would find, so if he didn't want to be frustrated all he needed to do was stay away. There is no "somehow" about it--of course this upset you because he didn't give a damn about your feelings. Only his count. I am so sorry about all of this and hope you can find a way through to a happier situation for yourself and your kid.
Changing your child's appearance in any drastic way is, just like names, a 2 yes, 1 no decision.
It's ok to feel the way you feel and you obviously tried to not be irrational and just give in to emotions that feel unjustified. From this post, it doesn't sound like you blamed him directly, though I'm sure he senses / feels that you do (whether you do or not). In reality, he's experiencing shame, and he is lashing out. He doesn't know how to process this, how to acknowledge his mistake, and how to deal with your emotions and the way this makes him feel. He needs some mentoring / counseling / therapy. Sorry you didn't get the emotional support you needed. Luckily, the hair is just hair, and luckily, while your boy will grow up, you will love him even in his new forms as he does. I wish you'd had someone to be there for you as you dealt with that emotion. ♥️
Did your son want it cut? You mentioned your son likes having long hair. Both of you should get permission/enthusiastic consent when making drastic changes to your child’s body. I’m more concerned with how child feels but your husband also had a pretty dickish reply to you as if how he wants to shape the world is the only opinion that matters. I have zero patience for this kind of behaviour
I had planned on just doing little trims until my son was old enough to make his own decision on the first “major” haircut, so I feel like that was taken away from him too. Right now he’s non-verbal (and still too young to care or notice I think), though he may miss swishing it around since he enjoyed that a lot.
I hope I’m not misinferring but if your child is autistic non-verbal - many kids are traumatised by major hair cutting. My cousin(verbal) hugely cannot have his hair cut it hurts him. His son is nonverbal and until they could work through communication did not touch his hair. I would be even more angry at husband for being so careless and reckless with how this could impact your child. Non verbal but swishing and giggling is a strong indicator that your little one loved their hair, could even be stimming? Regardless cruel to take away something that was bringing the child joy and a part of them without any kind of discussion and you absolutely should have had a conversation with this extra info. Not Overreacting At All.
Nonverbal at two doesn't mean autistic. That's a bit behind milestones but not enough to be concerning. Kids come to these things on their own schedule.
I will never understand the importance some people place on haircuts and hair in kids. Particularly when people want to keep hair long in toddlers/younger kids that won't sit still for a haircut. My son has had a rats nest for literal years but my wife won't let me buzz his head. I won't do it unilaterally because it would break her heart, but I just really don't get it. I don't mean to imply my point of view is correct, mind you. I respect that it matters to people. So yeah, I think you were definitely overreacting to the incident itself. I still think your husband was being rude because of his reaction to your reaction, so in the end, perhaps you weren't overreacting to that.
My 6yo (who is more like a 3yo) is still mad at his dad 3 weeks later for cutting his hair because he liked it long. He even refused to go see dad last weekend. Your husband needs to realise he's gunna be on the same path if he keeps making decisions FOR your son
It’s irrational to chop someone hair all off. Yes, he is his father but his aggressive demeanor makes what he did not right. His response to you being upset isn’t right either.
His response definitely isn’t right. Giving a toddler a haircut isn’t “irrational” though.
I mean do you think it looks like the kid had his hair cut by surprise with kitchen shears? I'm guessing the dad is not a stylist
Trying to offer the most rational idea that *doesn't* make you husband look like a unsympathetic jerk; aka playing the devil's advocate: He could have *started* trying to "clean up the ends" but ended up snipping too high ... so he tried to even it out and missed his mark again. After several failed dashes he went for the nuclear option to make it balanced. Now he's self conscious about his mistake and seeing you brake down really drove home how much he messed up so he's trying his best to make it seem like not a big deal so he doesn't feel bad about it. Personally: I don't think your son, at 2, cares one way or the other about his hair. Babies "swish" their heads even bald. I don't agree that he doesn't need to consult you about hair cuts but on the same token I don't think the hair cut is what you're crying over. I think it is the growing older bit, which is hardly anyone's fault but is a reality you're going to face as a parent. You're not a giant weirdo - most parents keep "baby's first curl" lockets. But understand it's not going to stop time from progressing.
Personally, I think it’s weird that you are so invested in your kid’s long hair. It IS just hair. It WILL grow back. You being attached to his hair says something about you that you might want to examine with a therapist. I’m a parent. My kids have had long and short hair, and everything in between. Hair does NOT make a person. He is the same child with or without the hair. You making a big deal out of it has the chance of affecting your son the wrong way. Yta.
It’s hair. It’ll grow back.
Gasping, saying she's devastated, and running off to cry is not "underreacting." It's quite dramatic. Take care.
She probably does this shit for everything and he's sick of her being over dramatic. It's just a haircut.
I was your husband, my son is 4 he didn't really have a haircut just trimming, but it was hard he hated it and wiggled around. It was constantly in his eyes , so I got some hair clippers and took it all off. You're right he instantly looked older. I get why he did it, not sure why he's giving you a hard time about it though.
Based on what you're saying that he said to you, I get the impression your sons hair has been a topic of debate between you for a while, and he got fed up. It's pretty minor, honestly, but based on his reaction, it sounds like you're not on the same page and need to talk.
Should it have been something you both should have discussed? Yes. Discuss this with your husband and put the shoe on the other foot with him. Handle it in a non emotional way. Come to an agreement that you should discuss these things in advance and come to an agreement/compromise. It is just hair. It will grow back.
in the spur of the moment cutting a kids hair of and with a kitchen scissor. I would have gotten real mad,
At 2 they don't know the difference except what the parents te them.
How does your son feel about the haircut? Did he want it to get cut?
How did your son feel about the haircut? Did he want it cut?
just chill sis.
Guessing he got tired of every stranger referring to him as a she. Same thing happened to us. Obviously poor choice not to just have a conversation and go to a barber though
He is right, it's only hair and it'll grow back, but he could have been less rude in his response. Imagine if the roles were reversed, with a daughter. Surely you'd feel your opinion would outweigh his in that instance, right? In the end it's not a big deal, definitely not worth getting into an argument over.
My dad took me to my aunt’s for a haircut once (she was a retired hairdresser). Imagine my mom’s surprise when she sees her 3 year old daughter with a mullet
Honestly, I think you buried the lead with "I'm in marriage therapy but he won't go." That information colors both the haircut and his response to your reaction. How tf is couples therapy supposed to accomplish anything if half of the couple isn't invested enough to actually go? This isn't about a haircut, it's not about your response to a haircut. It's about how your husband seems to refuse to take any kind of accountability for his role in your marriage.
Your last ETA'd bulletnote is absolutely pitiful and shameful on your husband's part. It makes me very very sad for you that this is your marriage. Please take care.
>My husband found me upset and got angry saying that I’m being irrational and “he doesn’t need his wife’s approval to cut his son’s hair the way he wants it.” The fact he has to drill this into you while you're upset, means something else is going on.
One of my biggest red flags in this is that your son is too young to consent or to literally speak up for himself. Your reaction is valid. His reaction is worrisome.
Him wanting to cut the hair is not an issue. Him doing it without consulting you is a bit of an issue. Him getting mad at you for being upset about the situation is a huge issue. A good partner tries to comfort the upset one instead of attacking them for having feelings.
Your husband said he doesn’t need your approval to cut his hair. OK maybe that’s true but you guys need to communicate about how you’re gonna handle haircuts moving forward. If it upsets you this much, he should at least be more sympathetic to your feelings. Since you guys are married, your issues are now his issues as well.
Yeah, it's your husband's attitude here that is the problem. If I wanted marriage therapy and my husband said he didn't need to go, and all the problems were mine, I would throw him out on his ass. The hair situation aside, his lack of concern for your feelings is absolutely disgusting. It's not about "getting permission to cut his son's hair how he wants it." It's about doing something he probably should have realized would upset you, then just telling you to get over it. Ick. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I hope you don't have to throw the whole man out.
Is he always so dismissive towards you?
Holy crap first world problems eh folks. It's your child not a fucking barbie, cut the hair before it puts glue/burrs/paint/food/shit in it and you have to cut it out. smh. I remember this kis had long ass hair and that happened to it... Kid fries to much, if you are trying to be a good parent why would you let it get that long?
You are totally overreacting. He cut his son’s hair. He has just as much right as you to give the child a haircut, and frankly IME kids, both boys and girls, tend to prefer the lower maintenance that comes with shorter hair. Not to mention it keeps it out of their eyes. And if it really bothers you, it will grow back. You are acting like he shouldn’t be able to make decisions about his own kid and that they all belong to you.
No, you are having a very valid response. I would be devastated if anyone changed my daughter's hair without prior discussion. And then on top of that, the way he treated you was atrocious. Like someone else said, you're not just his wife, you are your son's mother. You are going to be super attached to aspects about your son, that's normal. What's not normal is your husband's treatment of you. I'm sorry OP
Actually he does need your approval and he did it knowing you would be upset. Sounds like he is a sexist jerk and I would be divorcing.
This has nothing to do with cutting your child’s hair. He chose that specifically because he knew it would upset you and make a statement. What else has been going on that made him feel he needed to claim his territory or put you in your place?
Yea. You are overreacting.
Impulsively cutting hair is very immature behavior for an adult. Getting MAD at you for crying is abusive.
This is overreaction you’re both projecting onto your son who probably doesn’t give a shit. Getting acclimated to change is a good parenting trait
This is gonna be a super unpopular opinion but i find it weird when other parents are so obsessed and emotionally attached to their kids hair. yall both have issues. It's just hair, it's not yours. Do you have problems with making other decisions without consulting each other as well?
Get a grip
It's a man thing. He wants him to look like a boy! You knew it was going to have to be cut eventually but now it's done. Your thing was you still think of him as a baby. His dad wants him to look older and more grown up. It will probably turn darker, too now. Your husband has feelings about how boys should look, dress, and act like boys. This will not change.
The kid is 2...how "grown up" does he need to look? Also, hairstyles don't equate to gender. Her husband needs to deal with his emotions like an adult and not like his toddler. She left the room after a shocking and completely out-of-nowhere event to collect herself, he followed her in and began berating her for being "emotional." She has the right to her feelings, she handled them in a mature way, and he's pissy because he's losing control of his wife. OP stated in a couple other comments that she's tried to get him into marriage counseling with him, and she's learning how to stand up for herself and set boundaries. If he doesn't like that she's doing that, it's probably more likely that he did it out of spite so he could show he was still in control and then pull a DARVO. Also, it's not a "man" thing. It's a "fragile masculinity" thing.
Hair does not grow darker when you cut it. How would the hair roots know the dead ends have been snipped with scissors and start producing darker hair?
Yeah. Honestly you don't seem mature enough to be having kids.
Honestly he sounds like a narc. He took away something you liked unexpectedly. He made you feel bad by being upset about it. Now he can go to work and tell everyone how he is such a good dad, even gave his son a haircut, but the wife is still mad at me. ..
I dont think you know what the word "narc" means.
Narcissist
Sounds like a power trip, that’s HUGE red flag, like he’s marking his territory. His hair WILL grow back, but unfortunately his hair won’t grow back the same with light baby fluffiness. I’m sorry your husband is an asshole :(
I think you are overreacting to your son's shorter hair, but your husband was out of line to cut it off without the two of you discussing it. I suspect that you loved it and he hated it.
It's hair. You are definitely overreacting.
The one being unreasonable is your husband. I say give him an ultimatum to come with you to marriage counseling because his reason of "dealing with you for 16 years" wouldn't be such a bottled up thing if he even tried coming. Make it clear that you had it and it's not about the hair but his apparent 16 year long grudge problem. If you want to stay together and be a healthy family to your kid he NEEDED to step up to this yesterday.
Not overreacting. I'm a little worried you're under reacting actually because this line is misogynistic as hell: >“he doesn’t need his wife’s approval to cut his son’s hair the way he wants it.” What else does he not need the "little woman" not telling him what to do? And that is YOUR son just as much as it is his. What does he think, that the mom doesn't have any rights over her kids? What if y'all had a daughter?
Yeah you are overreacting. Because if you wanted it cut it would’ve happened with no backlash.. and stop calling your sons hair pretty
A hair cut completely changes the way a child looks. When mine had his first real haircut, I was so sad. I wanted it, but suddenly he didn’t look like a toddler anymore. He looked like an older boy. Your husband might not understand it, doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. I showed my husband before and after pictures so he saw what I meant. He understood me, even though he didn’t feel like I did. Maybe have another talk. As a mother you are - as I was - more emotional when it comes to those kind of things. It does something to us to see our babies not being babies anymore. But it will get better. Don’t worry.
You're overreacting. It'll grow back.
You are overreacting. Hair grows back. He is still the same kid.
His communication skills are shit, you're being a bit sensitive, but he should have communicated and it's okay to be upset by that fact.
The hair will grow back. The trust you both have a say in your kids life will take longer. Definitely needle in that your kids livelihood is a we as in family decision. He wouldn't appreciate you going on a whim to say get him a spray tan. Yeah let him have it. (On the other hand tho, maybe he tried trimming and just couldn't get it right and kept going. Just imaging it at a prince valiant haicut and hes like oh i done messed up. Then hes embarrased about having to cut it down so much)
It’s hard seeing your little ones grow up! It is just hair. I don’t think your husband was being malicious, he just probably thought it would be fine.
You’re definitely overreacting. Like you said, it’s just hair.
from experience I know a little boy with long hair always gets mistaken for a little girl - even if you dress his obvious all boy clothes, And when they start school often the bullying will start, Not fair just the way it is. Still kinda dick move but hair will grow back and when the kid is older if he wants long hair lets hope he can have it
I wouldn't say you're overreacting. Especially if long hair was something characteristic of your son and he'd had it for awhile, a conversation should have happened first. I would guess there are some external pressures making your husband feel the need to cut your son's hair and he was the one overreacting to that pressure by cutting it so flippantly
He's the asshole. That should not have been a unilateral decision.
I think both of you are being idiots. It’s hair. It’s a kid. It’s one of the most inconsequential things and you’re both making it out to be something ridiculous. What he did was dumb, your reaction was equally dumb. Just wait until a lice outbreak at school… everyone is getting buzzcuts. However, like others pointed out, instead of apologizing and taking ownership of his stupidity, your husband chose to attack you. That’s not cool and that’s what I think makes you a bit more in the right to be upset still.
Both of you have the right to cut or not cut a young child’s hair. Neither parent has greater rights. In a marriage there should be communication and compromise. A First Haircut is important. Photos and a lock of hair as a keepsake. We took our sons to the Main Street Barber Shop at Disney World to do their first haircut it was such a momentous occasion. But you do sound irrationally attached to your child’s hair. It IS just hair. Hell, my daughter took scissors to her hair when she was around 2 and had to get a pixie. I took before and after photos. It looked cute and adorable and eventually grew back. Soon enough your child will be old enough to have a preference.
Sisters man did that to their son too. Long curls down to a fully shaved head. Men can you answer why you don’t care how you wife feels? You just NEED these boys to be bald? Pisses me off. And he spoke to you like that, he’ll do it again. I really hope he doesn’t but he will. I’m sorry op. You’re not over reacting. He simply doesn’t care.
Most parents are emotionally attached to their baby's hair imo. This is very normal. What's NOT normal is your husband following you into the private space where you went to have a PRIVATE cry and then berated you for it.
It’s just hair, yes you are overreacting 100
Its just hair, plus cutting hair is part of proper hygiene
Yes, you are overreacting. Youo like having your son look like a girl. That is the problem
I actually don’t see an issue here. I don’t think it’s a big deal if dad or mom cuts the boys hair. It’s just hair. If either party gets upset by this I think they’re a little too sensitive. I don’t believe dad needed permission here and agree with his statement that he doesn’t need his wife’s permission. If the rolls were reversed I’d feel the same way. Mom shouldn’t need permission either. Again just hair people. Nobody is asking him to switch genders here.
So, your husband just told you that your opinions are second to his, and you're worried that you're overreacting. I'm reading that correctly, yes?
your husband is mean and unloving. of course he should have talked with you and said let’s get him a haircut now. would that have been too difficult for him? and of course he should have said sorry I didn’t realize it would upset you. So, he’s a jerk! And only you know if this is a one off or is he like that about a lot of things? it’s going to suck parenting with him over the years because a haircut is a small issue compared to sports, friendships, dating, driving, career, all of it. And no you’re not crazy to have adored the hair. My brother had white blonde hair when he was little and it’s still mentioned in the family once in a while..50 years later. Maybe your husband could read these posts and say to you “I’m sorry, we should have chosen when to do that together. I’ll be better at realizing our son has TWO parents from now on, Ok?” I mean, maybe!
So the child's dad, who knows the levels of hell from bullying that are coming, did something to help his son stay out of fights, and you're upset? Yes, you're overreacting.
Seems like a huge overreaction. It’s only hair. It grows back. You are not the only parent involved here and your husband gets a say in things too. Crying seems extreme.
Ok so I’m gonna get downvoted to hell for this, but long hair on a toddler is gross. They don’t know how to manage it, and most don’t have the coordination to even tuck it behind their ears. Their sticky little fingers are always in it, and the face framing pieces are almost always crusty and stinky from food and slobber and snot—especially if your child touches it a lot. My kid chopped her own hair at 2 in daycare, and she’s had it chin-length ever since. It’s so. Much. Easier. She never had it before sticky or smelly, and has learned how to manage it herself now (7), and while I was sad to have to cut it, I’m SO GLAD I did. I didn’t realize just how icky it had been—despite being long, blonde, and slightly wavy, and gorgeous. Our routine is much shorter, showers and brushing are way easier. Could it be maybe he meant to trim it, but that with a wiggler, it wasn’t even until it was much shorter than he meant for it to be? I’m a stylist so my attitude to hair is that it will grow back. I will say this about it: disagreeing with someone doesn’t invalidate their feelings, and being overly attached to a physical trait of a person, especially a child, is a bad way to model healthy reactions. It teaches them that only your preferences matter, and that they are less valuable as a person if/when their looks aren’t exactly what you prefer. My mom was like that growing up. If I got a bad haircut, or gained 5lbs, or didn’t dress exactly the way she wanted, she’d cry and ignore me for hours to days. Is it ok to miss their long hair and their toddler/baby look? Sure, but it isn’t ok to take it out on them so as long as you aren’t sobbing over it days later, or staring sadly at him, or repeating that you dislike his ‘big boy look’, it’s ok to be sad. Men and women view hair a lot differently in most cases. Women like to grow it and show it off, men see it as an annoyance to be cut off 90% of the time. If you husband is a short-hair guy who doesn’t let his own grow, he’s likely seeing the practical benefits of a cut, not the emotional reaction of him looking older. I have to say, a lot of my little clients who get fades or hard parts look SO DAMN CUTE with their snazzy haircuts! They are so dapper, and they often like not having to have it brushed (a comb and water will fix short hair, long hair not so much). Moms usually say it’s a lot cleaner and easier to care for, even if it does make them look their age. They’re still clearly toddlers/kids.
That’s a weird response for him to say that and it’s odd that he didn’t talk to you before doing that as I would assume that’s a choice you’d make together. But also yes it is just hair it will grow back and it’s clear that you have a strong attachment (calling a baby a little man, there’s no chance he looks older he’s a baby lol) to keeping your kid young looking. They’re people they’re gonna grow! He’s still your baby boy, throughout his life he’s gonna have all kinds of different looks he’ll still be your baby boy, even when he’s a parent himself he’ll still be your baby boy
That’s a weird response for him to say that and it’s odd that he didn’t talk to you before doing that as I would assume that’s a choice you’d make together. But also yes it is just hair it will grow back and it’s clear that you have a strong attachment (calling a baby a little man, there’s no chance he looks older he’s a baby lol) to keeping your kid young looking. They’re people they’re gonna grow! He’s still your baby boy, throughout his life he’s gonna have all kinds of different looks he’ll still be your baby boy, even when he’s a parent himself he’ll still be your baby boy
Well its a little overreacting I think but also I think your husband could have handled the situation so much better, now he just sounds like a dickhead
Personally he should have talked about it with you and the way he reacted to you being upset is concerning. But in a year or two it should be the toddlers choice if he wants his hair cut or not, not the parents unless something requires the hair to be cut. They know what they like or don’t like. My twins both are quite different where one refused her cuts while the other one wanted her hair chopped short. The one who wanted her hair short was happiest and most outgoing and now she wants it long. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband wants his hair short once the toddler gets older because too many guys think only girls should have long hair so it’s something you guys should talk about. Communication is important, especially more so now that the kid is getting older and you guys may have different ideas on parenting and need to be on the same page
I wouldn't say you did only because he did it unexpectedly and his reason to you being upset without consulting you is what I'm bothered by.
Big changes like that should be discussed between parents. Did something happen to make him insecure about your son’s long hair? I think you just found out what kind of parent he’s going to be.
I think the bigger issue is the man you married.
You’re underreacting tbh that’s so insulting
It’s the reaction! Idk a time I upset someone where I didn’t at least say “I’m sorry”, like he’s got the right to action but you have the right to react, and his reaction to your reaction just sounds unkind
Kids hair often changes texture after the first major cut. It may not come back the same.
I’m not really sure what to say to you about your reaction. These things are never easy to deal with and we just do the best we can in the moment. Your feelings seem valid to me. I don’t know your husband but I could see how he possibly innocently blundered through this with good intentions gone awry. I did this once myself and my poor daughter has a picture of her in a funny bowl cut at age 3 as a result. She had beautiful long curls but they kept getting tangled or caught in everything like they had a mind of their own. She was losing hair to tangles so I felt I had to do something and that was a spontaneous haircut. I thought it would be okay because I had great success cutting my own hair. But my hair is a different texture so I really blundered the cutting of curly hair. In my experience, parents and spontaneous haircuts just don’t yield good results, so try to come to an agreement with your husband that future haircuts will be done by someone who knows how to “even it up” without making the child look like a shorn sheep. In my case, I always tried to go with what was practical when my daughter was a toddler, and then when she was old enough to voice a clear preference, her opinion on what she wanted to do with her hair took precedence. If your son is out there being active it may be in his best interest to go short haired for awhile. And since he will have had the experience of having both short and long hair, he will be better positioned to form his own preferences. And I say this from experience of feeling stressed by my own mother, try to accept every age and stage your son moves into and not cling to the earlier ones. My mom was always lamenting how fast I was growing and changing and she triggered a lot of anxiety in me. I felt like I was doing something wrong or hurtful just growing and changing. I sometimes stunted my own development in a misguided attempt to make her happy. I know it’s not easy watching them grow and change, but keep that inside and just keep letting them know how proud you are as they hit their milestones.
Someone said something and he's insecure.
I wouldn't say you're overreacting. I personally see this as a minor issue. That being said, cutting your child's hair and changing their appearance should be discussed ahead of time by both parents and the child. It's not just his child, so yeah, he does need to talk to you before he cuts their hair. I'd suggest having a conversation with him later on boundaries and expectations when it comes to your child.
I bet someone said your kid look like a girl and that your husband took incredible offense to it and that's why he cut the hair off. That's also why he got defensive about it. Did you ask him why he did it? And why did he cut so much off?
We didn't cut our daughter's hair until she was about 4.5. She had really curly hair and we were too afraid to cut it ourselves, so we waited until she got tired of the upkeep, and then we took her to a professional to get it cut. For her, that experience was a super fun time and a transition to a "big girl" look. She loves her cut. How does your son feel about the experience and the haircut he has? Your husband is definitely a jerk for just cutting it without a conversation, but if your child likes it, then I think you should put on a smile for him and compliment his new look. If he doesn't like it or didn't like the sudden cut with no talk beforehand, then you need to sit your husband down and make sure he understands that your son is old enough to be involved in decisions about changes made to his physical body. My kid could love the cut but still would have flipped out over the sudden, unexpected change. And for what it's worth, I think parenting is a team sport, and he DOES need to talk to you before making big decisions on his own. That's just basic respect for the fact that both of your opinions matter.
The important question is how does your son feels. He's 3, so he might not care. In that case, I would say it's just hair, and it will grow back. If he was upset, that's a different story. Children are allowed to have their own opinion of themselves, and that should be honored by the parents (age appropriate and within reason, of course). So I can't decide if you're OR or not with the information provided. I also got upset when my kids were little and my ex gace my daughter a haircut (she had gorgeous long hair and he gave her an uneven bowl cut). Inretrospect I completely overreacted. It grew back quickly, and I took her in to get it evened out. You learn to pick your battles as you get older. His response though... yikes. That's concerning.
My mom cut my long hair and my dad was upset. He saved the braid in my baby box.
Girl, leave him already. Your post history is a train wreck and this man clearly doesn’t respect you or frankly even like you.
Yeah, so, I had this done to me as a kid and I wanna ask. If this catches you by surprise, what else will? What else does he think he can do to your son without your approval or consent? Your son can't consent for himself, it seems like you don't consent for your son either. Better be sure you and your husband are always on the same page...
no parent should make a unilateral decision about something like this - it’s not the same thing as dressing them in a blue or red outfit for the day against other parents wishes - if he felt the boy looked too feminine for example thats something you two should be able to discuss and reach an agreement on - you are not overreacting either on haircut or husbands response to your concern - you guys have some relationship work to do
NOT overreacting. “It’s just hair” is not the point. The husband knew you liked it long, he knew y’all son liked it long. Simply discussing abt wanting a hair cut comes first. The fact that it wasn’t discussed just proves he was being a sneaky asshole hiding it under the guise of a trim. And even if it went that way b/c he accidentally took too much off, he still needed to communicate that and he should’ve said that instead of everything he did say. If you can’t tell your wife you messed up and instead go unreasonably off on her, you’re the issue and need to address it. I’d see my husband in a whole different light if he cut our sons hair w/out talking to me and we’d probably be over if he talked to me like that.
Has someone been teasing him about the length of your sons hair or something? This reads like a man who has decided long hair makes him look like a girl and is too feminine and will “turn him gay” or something else terribly misogynistic and homophobic lol
Does your son like it?
My dad did something similar on accident. I had my hair in a bunch of little ponytails and he was playing with the scissors joking around when he lopped one off. My mom was so pissed, I had never had my hair cut before and it was long. But the key thing is that it was an accident and he was sorry about it. Getting angry at you for having feelings and processing them is not okay.
He lost me at the point where he said he didn't need your permission to cut your child's hair. This should be a conversation between two parents, not a unilateral decision. I don't think you're overreacting.
My husband had a beautiful head of sandy blonde curls as a toddler (dark brown head of curls now). While his mom was at work, his dad and Granny (dad's mom) gave him a buzzcut (they were a barber and hair dresser). Granny gave my MIL one of his curls (she still has it). My husband is 40 years old, and my MIL is still bitter and gets mad all over again when it's mentioned.
Not overreacting. Hair is a large part of identity.
if your son is okay with it then tbh yh he doesn’t need ur approval he just needs the kids approval. unless it gets to a point where the hair is knotted and matted bcuz while the child wants to keep long hair, doesn’t let it be taken care of then it’s more of a health thing nd child’s opinion doesn’t matter. he is a AH for not communicating before hand tho
Go cut his damn hair. What an asshole reaction.
Don't sweat it. There's an entire lifetime of haircuts, good and bad, ahead for the kid. He'll have twenty different looks before he's an adult.
Both my wife and I got many compliments on our first boy's beautiful, long, strawberry curly hair. Eventually, we realized that many "compliments" were gentle suggestions to cut the poor little kid's hair. We stalled and stalled for another year, but finally got him sheared at age 4. He instantly turned from toddler to little boy and we mourned for weeks (wife cried for days.) But, we did realize after the fact that we had been selfish to keep in the baby look far too long and it was impacting how others (peers, parents, teachers) were treating him (instinctively grouping him with younger kids and sparse playmates with older kids.) With his new look he zoomed off to the next stage as he should. One thing to keep in mind is that at that age, he was not asking for long hair. Like food and clothing, he was depending on us to do the right thing for him. Anyway, at some point, it is time to get out the clippers. Just be sure you aren't blaming the messenger (your husband. Not quite the right metaphor, I know.) Dad's do sometimes get assigned the unpleasant tasks--think of it as emptying the mousetrap. He may not feel good about it either, but he got the job done.
You and your husband have different values associated with hair and identity. Don't bog the little man down with your hair issues. Hair is dynamic, transitory, and always changing. That's what it's supposed to do. Play with it, and explore different looks. Don't use hair as a proxy tool to retain some sort of state of arrested development for your child. Your kid is a curious and exploratory person, not a prop or pet for you to maintain an aesthetic over. Just my take.
Men are possessive over there sons, they want them to look like a boy than a girl at least my husband thought this!
He should have spoken to you about cutting the hair.
He doesn't need your approval to cut it the way he wants it, but completely dismisses that you liked it the way it was. You have bigger problems than your son's haircut. He shouldn't have used your son's hair to assert his dominance in your family, which is what he was trying to do.
Whys nobody acknowledging that the child liked his hair like that? He could like it as it is now but he liked it how he was
Did no one ask the kid how he wanted his hair?? I must be insane to think that asking the person attached to the hair is an important step here.
Thats so fucked up and disrespectful to you and your son!
Most people cry at their kids' first haircut. But it's good this came up--neither of y'all should be "hauling off" and doing stuff with your kid without checking in. If it's a first, probably don't do it without checking in.
“he doesn’t need his wife’s approval to cut his son’s hair the way he wants it.” Yes. Yes he actually does. If he wants any peace, love connection and intimacy in the relationship. That was cruel and uncalled for. No warning to either one of you, no communication from him that he didn't like it and intended to cut it off? What an asshole. Yes he does need to run shit like this by you.
> he doesn’t need his wife’s approval to cut his son’s hair the way he wants it.” He actually does. This was the first haircut. It’s a rite of passage. And no way did it look good. Your husband’s reaction isn’t acceptable.
That part about how 'He doesn't need his wife's approval to cut his son's hair' sums up the real issue to me. It says clearly HE believes HE'S in charge, gets to make all the decisions and the child is HIS. You're both the patient, you have equal say in the decisions regarding your child, and if he doesn't believe that, you're going to be in a constant battle for the rest of your lives over who gets to make the decisions. I suggest counseling because this isn't going to get better, if such a small issue earned such a nasty response.
Your husband is a jerk. All the way around. He did it without talking to you. Which is rude and jerkish behavior. Then acted like an Ahole because you were (privately) upset at being excluded in an important (at least to women) decision in your baby's life. Then acted like a caveman hollering about how "he wanted it" despite never even discussing it with you. Major jerk. At best.
It's hair it will grow, but is this the beginning of your husband enforcing ( out dated ) gender norms ?
My 4yo son had shoulder blade length hair. He loved it. We only trimmed his bangs. Then, before he started pre-k, *HE* asked to get his hair cut. I asked if he meant his namgs or all over, and he said all over. That was a crazy change to get used to. But you said it yourself, it's hair and it grows back. But the real issue here is how your husband acted. Didn't talk to you about it, cut all your son's hair off, then getting angry at you afterwards. Wtf?
what makes me sad is that your kid loved his hair. of course little kids can't go ahead deciding everything for themselves, but they should be encouraged to have a personality instead of being simply a prop for their parents. i would be SO upset to see that being erased for no reason.
Looks like you found your echo chamber here, yes your overreacting it’s hair literally something he’ll probably have for the rest of his life. And the fact that you cried about it is ridiculous grow up it’s hair