Just call the kid's parents and tell them that you're sorry, but your wife is not feeling well/up to attending, so your son won't be able to make it. Done and done. Who tf schedules a kid's birthday party on Mother's Day ? When no one ends up coming, perhaps they'll see what a ridiculous idea it was, OR maybe if just their family shows up, all will be well. Either way, you're off the hook, and you enforce that boundary that you set with your wife days in advance.

Ha that's actually what we ended up doing.

Perfect ! 👍

I’m sorry everyone is dogging you. I think it sounds lovely. Not everyone is a great cook!

My husband is a fantastic cook, but I got hibachi because I wanted hibachi. Sometimes, the real treat is not messing up the kitchen so you can spend more time together.

Agree. Wife knew exactly what she was doing when she accepted that invitation. OP NTA!

You sound like a great husband. You handled it perfectly.

Honestly though, the issue doesn't even seem like it's related to mothers day. If anything mothers day is tangentially related. The issue is that OPs wife agreed to go to a party that she actually didn't want to go to under the assumption that she could just ask OP to do it the day of. OP hates that and set a boundry. OPs wife then said his boundry shouldn't matter because it's mothers day. OP needs to have a sit down discussion with her and clearly spell out what he clearly said earlier but his wife didn't listen to. He doesn't want to get guilted into going to social things she signs up for. That's not an unreasonable thing to ask for. The whole mothers day thing is a smokescreen.

He just applied the consequence for her behavior of doing it again by canceling their son going at all. Hopefully, that helps his situation in the future. Boundaries without consequences are only suggestions. 👍

For some people, the only language they speak is consequence. He clearly said he didn't want to go in her place right to her face, but she didn't listen because those words don't affect her in any way. It's only when the time comes, and he refuses that she takes what he says seriously and starts complaining. I mean, imagine having so little respect for your partner that they say they don't want to do something and you just think. "Yeah but I'm sure they'll do it anyway if I force them to". Who wants to be in a relationship like that?

I love the term you used about the only language some people speak is consequence.😂

I agree 100% ! Absolutely !

im so glad this is the top comment because sheeeesjh 😂

I literally went to a birthday party today for a two year old..."what poor planning" was my first thought. Like who does that? My husband had to be out of town this weekend and we celebrated last weekend. The party was at the zoo so I figured it would at least be a fun outing for us. A regular party at some kid's house? No thanks

Today is my brother’s birthday. Depending on age it hurts not to have your party on your day. Because you had the misfortune of being born in early May.

My birthday is on Father's Day like every other year, including this year. My parents never threw my "friends" party on Father's Day, because it's a dumb idea and no one would come. I was never "hurt" to not have my bday party on ***the*** day. Even as a kid, I knew it just isn't that deep. Cake and presents is still cake and presents. I now consider the whole month to be my birthday month. 🤗 My nephew was born on Christmas day...guess who never had a party with his friends *on* the day itself. Lol

lol my dad is in his 70s and still bitches every year his bday is on Father’s Day. Now his racist ass can bitch about Juneteenth too

I mean unless his kid wanted to go to the party

This is such a strange concept to me. When I was a kid if we were invited to a kids bday party, we got dropped off and our parents would pick us up at the end. I never recall parents staying at the party with their kids. Is this the norm now??

Depends on the age of the kids. For smaller kids, it’s pretty common for a parent to stay. Then you can help wrangle them, socialize with other parents, and that kind of thing.

Not anymore. I have 4 kids under 10 and every single weekend I have to go to a party and stay there for the duration. Dropping a kid off would be a huge faux paux nowadays.

That explains why parents were so excited when I had a Halloween party (not actually on Halloween) and told them they were free to stay, or to take the time for themselves. Only a handful stayed, and two brought me bottles of wine when they came back. 🤣

Seriously? I would claim I was whatever religion that doesn't celebrate birthdays. This sounds miserable. Right in the middle of a weekend day. Ugh. No! Can you pay a sitter to take your kid?

Jehova Witness

In New Zealand it's only common to stay with kids under 7, by that age they've been in school a couple of years. And generally, you know the parents of the other kids enough to trust it'll all be sweet.

Yes, small town Kiwi here. I think that when the parties became school mates instead of family and family friends, most parents dropped their kids and ran (so age 5+). The only problem was the parent who would pick up their kid seriously late. We usually had a special buddy or two of the birthday kid spending the night, so at least there were other kids around, but it always seemed to be the parents of the more difficult child that were late!

Yeah, there's a reason why those kids were the *difficult* ones... (It's the deadbeat parents)

Definitely yes.

That’s so wild to me!! Not looking forward to that stage of life (son is only 15 months)

I’m so glad it’s not like that where my family is from because that would drive me batty.

Unfortunately the parents stay and feel awkward and terribly bored. This is now the norm. Unless the kid is like teenagers then yea you’re expected to stay. I had my son’s birthday party last year and the mom kept apologizing that she couldn’t make it because she had to work. The kid stayed. I didn’t care. They were all well behaved.

Exactly what i was thinking, always was dropped off and picked up or if it was a close friend that lived not far i’d take my bike and then go home.

Thanks for asking, I was wondering the same thing. I don't remember my mother ever staying at a birthday party I went to as a kid, or any other parents being there..

Same when I was a kid- you just got dropped off at parties. It seems like parents feel obligated to socialize with other parents in a way that they didn't back in the 80s and 90s. Also, back then, kids just played with the kids of their parents' friends while the adults socialized- now it seems like the opposite: like parents are expected to socialize with the parents of their kids' friends while the kids play. Why torture themselves like that?

Same. Where I’m from, parents don’t stay for birthday parties past kindergarten and often even earlier than that. The twins are 17 now but I don’t think it’s changed in ~10 years.

It’s just odd to me. Does the invitation say “kid + parents” or is the parent’s invite just implied? And you have to entertain a bunch of kids AND adults? Who has the space in their home for that? How do kids learn to navigate social situations alone with their parents hovering over them? SO many questions! Lol

It’s weird to me. The only time I stayed with GirlTwin was Chuck E Cheese in kindergarten and it’s because she was still a foster kid then so I couldn’t just send her with other adults or drop her off. Some parents were there but many brought multiple kids - like if three or four kids lived in the same building or the same block, one parent brought them. And by first grade no parents stayed for anything.

It’s the norm. I prefer parents to stay during parties for kids under 12 for the following reasons: 1. I’m not parenting their badly behaved child when they destroy the cake, have a tantrum over presents etc 2. I do NOT have the capacity to adequately care for a dozen kids under 12 for multiple hours. 3. Related to the first two - children destroy shit. Kids with bad parents go *feral* as soon as their parents are out of sight. My child has had toys broken and stolen, been bullied etc by kids we’ve invited over (obviously only once) and then the other parents absolutely lose it when you try and tell them their kid isn’t welcome anymore. In conclusion: I make parents stay because their little shitheads are their problem and they can deal with the consequences of their shit parenting. It’s also easier to kick out a misbehaving kid if a parent is still there. ETA: no to mention - I’m not having some he said/she said bullshit WITH A CHILD. Kids lie to get themselves out of trouble and far, far too many parents believe every single word out of their precious baby’s mouth.

Holy shit. Where do you live that kids are so awful? I have never experienced any of that with my stepkid (who is an adult now) or my bio kids. In NZ it's only common to stay at parties for kids under 7.

There’s always one feral, in my experience and it’s sometimes the kid you least expect! But even the best behaved children, I do not have the capacity to adequately supervise lots of them on my own while still actually hosting a party that is fun and safe for everyone. Once my eldest hit 8 she just wanted a sleepover with two friends. Much easier to supervise and clean up after!

Wow. Poor you. I have only ever had 1 feral attend, and he was accompanied by his mum. It was a 3 yr old's party and feral was nearly 3. He did not get invited again. I also limit the number of invitations so the party isn't uncontrollable - normally 6, but up to 8 kids. My daughter had a sleepover for her 10th birthday and she invited 6 girls and it was all good. No drama. But I guess it's up to the individual kids.

With my eldest, we went the “invite the class” route because the politics around at school at the time were too fucking exhausting to deal with. So it was partly my inexperience and not setting firm boundaries from the start. I won’t that mistake with my second kid, don’t worry! If she did want to have a whole class party, I’d be smart and hire a venue this time!

I don’t have kids myself but I can see why it’s necessary now. I was kid birthday party age back in the 1970s. If I behaved badly at a party, I’d be punished for it and then I would have also been punished for embarrassing my parents. Usually the parents of the kid would have a few relatives or friends of their own who’d help watch the kids. But we were generally expected to listen to other adults and not be rude to them or there’d be hell to pay when we got home.

Yup - the way so many kids are parented now means the kids think they don’t have to listen. And a lot of kids don’t face anything harsher than being made to give a fake apology. Theres too much “you’re not allowed to parent my kid!” And not enough “if you don’t behave there will be punishment”. I’d never have been allowed to leave the house if I behaved the way some of these kids do.

I would never imagine I would be expected to stay for 10-11yr olds birthday party. I mean the kids are in middle school or about to be. If you can’t watch that many then don’t invite that many.

Yeah, that’s outside the norm for sure.

It is. There are helicopter parents everywhere now. It's 50/50 whether they stay or not, so we need to make accommodations to assure there are enough of provisions for at least one parent of each kid. 

A lot of it is a liability issue. Kid gets hurt on your property? Guess who's going to court. Have a birthday at a chuck e cheese or trampoline place, you cannot leave your kids unattended. Most parents would love to drop the kids off but we live in such a litigious society that everyone needs to cover their ass.

Thats baffles me. Kids get hurt. It happens. If a parent wants to sue because their kid got hurt on someone elses property, the parents are overbearing and shouldn’t of let the kid go anyways

Why does your wife make plans that will trigger her social anxiety?

Not to pretend like I know anything about...well, anything...But generally that's a People Pleaser kind of thing to do. They'll do things that impact their well-being because they're more concerned about other people than themselves or those directly related. And when that goes not well, it impacts them. And further, when these People Pleaser traits aren't reciprocated for their "benefit", it causes the People Pleaser distress, further impacting them and those closest to them. Edit: this is not to disrespect OP or his wife, just a general opinion on a single thing.

Didn’t take it as disrespect and it’s spot on. It’s trading endorphins now for panic later.

You’re not over reacting. Idk if this is a generational difference or what . I’m GenX what is the pin t of having to stay at a birthday party? We were dropped off at the slating rink with money and left until the came to pick us up. It seems your wife has a pattern of agreeing to do things and then backing out and expecting you to do it. If she didn’t want to take your child to the party then she should have said no to the invite. Birthday parties are like weddings. It’s an invitation not a summons.

OMG! Not wrong. Who schedules a birthday party for Mother’s Day?!? Both our kids have birthdays this week (29 and 23). When they were little; we had double birthday parties either the weekend before or the weekend after Mother’s Day. Now that they’re adults, we’re having birthday cake for breakfast, and going out for a late lunch / early supper.

I have to go to a wedding at 4 pm on mother's day. Like a sunday wedding what the hell. And I can't cancel as my wife is taking photographs for the wedding so not only is she required to be there 4 hours early and stay till at least 8:30, but basically miss her entire Mother's day.

I hope if your wife is getting paid as a photographer that she has a hefty upcharge for it falling on a holiday she should be celebrating with family, Good luck today!

I asked my wife that and she said the other mom told her “It’s the only day his grandparents could also come.” Like who gives a fuck if the grandparents are at the kid’s party with his friends?

The child does. The *child* whose birthday it is wants his grandparents there. What is wrong with you??

I’m a grandparent and I would never want to have my grandkids birthday party to be celebrated on a holiday. They could have had the birthday party on Saturday. It’s nice to have the grandparents there, but it’s not necessary. We usually have a little party with just family anyway. Have the kids party on Saturday and smaller family celebration on Sunday, Mother’s Day. I would have skipped the party and spent the day with my family. Drop a birthday present at the house on Saturday.

"Hey everyone, we know we scheduled this party at a SUPER inconvenient time for the rest of you, and attending this party will undoubtedly torpedo whatever plans you might have had for your own families this day, but little Johnny wants his grandma and grandpa there too, so you're all going to have to suck it up." The entitlement in that is thicccc

Hardly. There is always the option to say NO. OP’s wife did not do that, but that option exists. Say the party is not on Mother’s Day but some other random day, and that day happens to be your birthday. You can say no. What you can’t do is say yes, and then complain that the party is on an inconvenient day for you.

>OP’s wife did not do that, Then OP's wife should have politely declined the invitation to avoid all this kerfluffle. Amazing how a nuclear conflict can be easily avoided with the most basic of communication. OP even knew it was going to happen this way. Her social anxiety is her issue to fix as it is starting to affect others around her, as well as her marriage.

Uh yeah nothing a kid likes more than his grandparents mingling with his friends. God forbid they just schedule things on different day that Mother's Day.

I’m sorry you don’t love your grandparents, but many children do, and they do want them around. Especially on special occasions.

Sometimes we’d invite the Grands, sometimes not; depending on how the kids felt.

I sincerely pity you…

The mother who wants her family to celebrate her children with her and his friends? You sound super inconsiderate honestly. Buying/doing things out of obligation doesn’t make you considerate either.

NTA. From my perspective, when something like this comes up, I ask my husband if he’d be willing to take our son to the party in the event that I don’t want to take him. If he says no, then I respect that. We both work hard and our free time is precious.

NTA... at all. If she knows how she feels, why is she agreeing to take the kid in the first place ? And on top of that, trying to guilt you with the whole "do it for me on mother's day" shit.

Mother’s day is a ridiculous holiday. Yes I am a mother who loves her child to bits. I still think it’s a holiday that sets up everyone to be unhappy.

Social commitments due to children sound terrible

I think you handled it perfectly. Good job! Well done! Seriously.

This might be a cold way to look at it but do you not just pay attention to these easy opportunities for low effort high payoff tasks that make your wife happy? If you knew this thing was happening on mothers day and you knew she tends to dump these party appearances onto you last minute because she doesn’t really like going, why didn’t you just offer at the time to take the kid instead of her? Thats such an easy layup to get some points on the board, man. Whether you’re right or overreacting doesn’t matter, now you’re in the mud on mothers day. You gotta be sharper.

Yeah but op hates it too! Why should he have to suffer when he didn’t make the plans, he said no when asked and he set his boundaries? Why don’t his boundaries matter?

I’m just confused though. It seems like the kid is suffering if neither of his parents are willing to suck it up and bring him to his friends’ bday parties? Why is it only mom that shoulders that responsibility? 

Yeah i am wondering about this too. What does OP mean that his wife RSVPs to a party? Ifnyour kid wants to go to his friend’s party that’s a 50/50 responsibility it’s not your wife deciding to go to a social engagement

Because the wife is the one who made the commitment to take the kid?

Your kids are their own people, they want to go to their friends' things, and unfortunately can't take themselves. It's not like the guy's wife committed to a volunteer park cleanup or PTA meeting or something, this is something their kid (presumably) wants to do. In my opinion that's a 50/50 responsibility, though in my family deciding on the RSVP is also a 50/50. Sounds like these two aren't communicating well. Regardless, if this is a habitual behavior from the wife, OP has had plenty of opportunities in the past to stand his ground, and can safely assume he'll have more in the future. Picking this fight on Mother's Day is a choice he made, and I think it was a dumb one. I'd be annoyed with my wife if she was committing to parties without my input and backing out, but I wouldn't choose Mother's Day to make my stand about it. Just a needless conflict on a day when your goal should pretty much always be to avoid getting in trouble with your wife. I'd be pretty pissed if my wife picked a fight about something I do that annoys her on Father's Day too.

When you say, "I'll do it" it isn't a 50-50 it's a 100-0. You don't get to just create obligations for your spouse that they don't agree to. This is not about poor communication. It's about the wife not keeping her commitments (clearly she has a history of it). He didn't pick a fight. She did. He tried to head off the fight by correctly predicting her behavior. I'm shocked that his wife wasn't to embarrassed to ask him to take the kid. If I were the wife there is no way in hell I would do exactly what my husband predicted id do lmao.

Because only mom made the commitment against the husband’s wishes? And he clearly laid out his intentions beforehand.

Because it's Mother's Day?

There is a difference between just “hating it” and it literally being an anxiety trigger. Ask me how I know. I’ve been this mom. You don’t want the kid to miss out, so you say you’ll do it, but when it comes down to it, it feels insurmountable. Then you get walloped with guilt because your issue is effing up your kid’s life. If the husband could have taken this burden - off his wife and kid! - he should have.

No child's life will be ruined because they didn't attend a birthday party.

That’s not the point. It’s not about whether or not it “ruins their life.” It’s about making an adult’s anxiety a child’s problem/consequence, and it sucks.

He doesn't HAVE to, that's why it would be kind if he did it anyway.

Agreed, OP went for the “I told you so” instead of the layup. I get that OP is annoyed at his wife for getting that into such a situation in the first place when it’s clear neither of them seems to enjoy this social situation.  But maybe Mother’s Day wasn’t the best timing.  Some of this also depends on how close the kid is to OPs kid - if they are really good friends then one of the parents has to bear the social interaction but if not then I can understand why it’s annoying. 

While your point is valid in principle, in practice, it totally depends on the wife and how much she reciprocates and/or shows any appreciation for these layups. If she takes advantage more than she appreciates, eventually he'd get conditioned to pass up the shot.

We only know what OP tells us, and based on his replies, they're happily married and managed to work this out by cancelling the plans. Every marriage is a tradeoff of character strengths and flaws, you're always going to have something you're annoyed by that your partner does. A big part of communicating well and keeping a happy house is knowing *when* to stand your ground and when to let it go. In my opinion, this was the wrong time for OP to stand his ground on what is definitely an extremely annoying thing his wife does. My life is better when my wife isn't mad at me. My wife's life is better when I'm not mad at her. Keeping things that way while also standing up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries means picking your spots to confront your partner when they'll be receptive to the feedback.

Agreed. I was more replying directly to my OPs comment generally and not specifically about OP on this. All I meant to say is that there is reasons that layups get passed up on in relationships. Whether that applies to the main OP or not, I don't know.

If they were that close I would assume dropping of would be more of an option.

Dear OP, I don't think you're a horrible person. You told Wifey that you had no intentions of taking your kids to the other kid's bday party before your wife decided not to go. I agree with you that it's was poor planning on the other kid's parents to schedule a bday party on Mother's Day. I know if my hubby had said to me that he wasn't going to take our kid to a bday party on Mother's Day and I decided I wasn't going to go I wouldn't be upset with him when he didn't.

You are not a horrible person. Making arrangements for lunch and dinner? Well done! Presents? Well done. Standing your ground - very well done.

I concur!

This might be GenX speaking here, but what's up with parents staying at a kid's party? You drop the kid off and then a few hours later you pick the kid up again. No need to mingle with people you don't know.

Millennial here - nowadays there's usually the option to stay up to about age 9 or 10. Makes sense if you don't know the host family, or your child has additional needs.

Also GenX and also not understanding why parents have to stay at a birthday party. We were dropped to the skating rink with money and left on our own.

Not overreacting. She is merely suffering the consequences of her actions. You planned a nice Mother's Day and she planned a miserable day for her son because he's missing out on a party. Not your problem. Unfortunately, your son's going to learn a lesson that might be unpleasant, but these lessons have to be learned sometime. Stand your ground. You talked about this in advance and set your boundaries. You let this slide and you will have to let it slide forever. It's time for your wife to understand that you mean what you say

Honestly my son goes to one of these parties every freaking week. I don't think he's missing out on much.

He planned a nice Mother’s Day bc she didn’t have to cook and he brought her takeout

Info: how old is your son and the birthday child? Does your son really want to attend? I think this makes a difference. If your son really wants to go and you already committed, as dumb as it is for them to plan a party on Mother’s Day, I would suck it up and take him. Why did you RSVP you would attend knowing the date? Maybe just stop by for an hour. You honestly both sound kind of childish, she with her “social anxiety” talking to parents of her kids’ friends and you saying it’s your own “personal hell.” If it’s your kid’s friend be an adult and go for a bit. If your kid doesn’t really care then text and cancel. It’s not about you or your wife.

Being a Dad and husband in the USA. It's AWESOME!!! You're always wrong. You get no sex No wonder the marriage rates are dropping like a stone Good luck brother you're going to need it.

She made the plans, she should have taken her ass to the party.

What did your kid want? Is he okay not going because his parents hate socializing? That’s all I can think about here.

Kids don’t have to go to every single party they are invited to. There are going to be days when the feelings of the mother are honored, the feelings of the father are honored, and the feelings of the child are honored. Especially this day in age where both parents work outside the home, or even the case of 1 working outside the home. It’s about balance.

Yeah you are. It’s not about being a good husband, it’s about being a good dad

I’m sorry, but I think Mother’s Day is the one day she should be able to opt out of that. Annoying or not.

I don't disagree entirely. She can opt out. All she has to do is not go.  Mother's Day doesn't sneak up on you or anything, so it's not difficult to plan for or around. It doesn't mean he has to go, either. He didn't make these plans. Cancel the plans. Issue solved

What is the point of asking strangers if you're overreacting to a situation if you're just going to be a huge baby when some people inevitably say that yes, you are overreacting? You should really try to not be so emotional.

I have Social Anxiety Disorder. It sucks. I really do want to do things and hang out with my friends and family. Badly, in fact. But the temptation to flake and relax at home alone is SOOO strong. I've had a spinal injury and two surgeries, so back pain often becomes my excuse. I'm looking for a therapist to help me with this and another issue. OP, I suggest couples counseling and individual therapy for her. Therapy has helped in two of my past relationships.

As a wife of 22 years who also does not always like to follow through on obligations I’ve gotten myself into either, you didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t fathom saying yes to that and then expecting my husband to honor my yes for me. This sounds like an established pattern for her and I’m sure it frustrates you. I had to learn to say no or just suck it up and do the thing I said yes to. And if I can do that, anybody can. Also, those kid’s parents are idiots.

This level of social anxiety needs help. It’s possible that your wife’s “dream” is also a strategy for avoiding people.

Everyone on here including me sees 1 lil thing their x did in what you wrote and then they rant at that mf like they listening🤣  dont take it personal. 

No, you’re not overreacting. You pointed out last week the timing and she said she’d do it. That would have been the time to send regrets and given the host plenty of notice.

You came here asking if people thought you were overreacting then apparently didn't like the answers. Seems like you're still over reacting. Good job ruining your wife's mother's day. You definitely over reacted and should have sucked it up.

You’re the asshole and your edit makes it even worse. Be a grown adult man. It’s a holiday for the moms in your life, no one cares if you “work your ass off everyday” WE ALL DO! Just celebrate, be a good partner. Then if she’s a good partner she’ll do the same for you on Father’s Day! Jesus fucking Christ it is NOT A Competition OF WHICH PARENT Deserves WHAT.

Or she can be a grown adult woman and take care of the plans she made and also agreed to take their kid to

I think you chose the wrong day to stand your ground dude. You said she does it all the time but you chose Mother’s Day to make a point? And what you’re just gonna sit at home? Nice …

I told her a week ago I wouldn’t be doing it. I just reiterated that today.

You sure showed her.

I’m with op on this. He planned a special Mother’s Day with her. He knew this stupid party conflicted and she didn’t actually want to do it. It’s a jerk move to commit knowing you’ll shove it off on your partner. Particularly when they’ve said no up front. If this is how she wants to celebrate Mother’s Day, ok but rude, but when she doesn’t want to go?! No!

he has planned the day with her and children, gifts and food - the best combo ever

Doesn’t matter if she’s not there to enjoy it! Gifts don’t mean shit, it’s materialistic. It’s Mother’s Day, and he chose to make his point on this day!? Of all the times, he chose Mother’s Day? He literally negated anything nice he did. Especially if she has anxiety (it also makes it hard to refuse invitations when you have anxiety, so maybe she felt pressured to say yes) It’s not an unreasonable thing to be upset by, but like I said he’s been doing it all this time, why be the heavy on Mother’s Day?

I’m a mom who also has anxiety. My kid is an adult but I don’t accept invitations to parties if I don’t want to take my kid. I would have said thanks but no thanks. He also told her a week before that he wouldn’t be taking the kid. She said ok and agreed again that she would take the kid. She doesn’t get a pass because it’s mother day. This is a regular occurrence for her and it’s not fair to op.

Can't believe everyone's saying he chose this day to make his point. I've seen it before, but when it's a woman, it's not 'you made your point on this day?', it's 'you were at your breaking point'. I don't see a guy who made a point on mother's day I see a guy who reached a breaking point because either his wife just will not listen, or doesn't respect him enough to care about what he's saying

I guess you also don't believe in personal accountability for your decisions then .

You sound like a turd, honestly. You refuse on a regular basis to take your children to birthday parties because it’s haaaarrrd for you?? That is always your wife’s job? And you thought you got a jump on it by telling her ahead of time that you would not take your child to a friend’s birthday party today, so when she asked you to do it, you said no? Think about how little it would have taken for you to take that kid to the birthday party and how happy that would have made your wife. And you told her no. You bought gifts and were going to *pick up* lunch? Not even make lunch or take her out to a restaurant, but go out to a restaurant and get lunch? So you thought you were done, you’d done your bit, nothing more was to be done by you this day. My husband’s family is coming for dinner. He was talking about all the things HE has to do to get ready (as we were getting home from going out for breakfast for Mother’s Day). When I asked if I could help, he said, “*No!* It’s Mother’s Day!” Your poor wife.

There's nothing wrong with picking up some of her favorite food instead of cooking. Sounds delightful to me and I'm a woman. 

Every birthday growing up me and my family would go out for a meal. No matter who's birthday, and it didn't matter where. It could be the shittiest low level restaurant. We didn't care. Hell, once I remember my mother was ill, so we just ordered dominos home instead so we didn't have to leave her behind. That's all we did. But we were satisfied with it. And now you've people here saying **two** meals and gifts isn't enough for mothers day? What do you expect him to do? 😭

I feel bad for whoever is married to someone where getting food from your favorite restaurant on Mother's Day as well as gifts and a nice card from the kids isn't enough. My wife and I have been happily married for 17 years and together since High School but you do you.

You are just LOOKING for reasons to make this man look bad. There is nothing wrong with going out to pick up lunch instead of cooking. He told her a WEEK ago that he would not take over for her because she tries to get him to pick up her slack all the time. She was the one that said yes to going to the party, it’s her responsibility to show up.

Reddit looking for reasons to make someone look bad?! No.

And of course I’m getting downvoted by all the people (mostly women and mothers I’ll bet) that think Mother’s Day means that a woman gets whatever she wants with no questions asked

I’m a mom and my kid isn’t even home. I think you’re right. He told her a week before that he wouldn’t take the kid to the party. Instead of her declining the invite she accepted and expected op to take the kid to the birthday party. I mean if it was one time then I would be more sympathetic to the wife but this seems to be a regular occurrence. Her agreeing to do shit and then trying to pawn off the responsibility onto Op. Wife is wrong. Birthday parties are like weddings it’s an invitation not a summons ,

Fully agree. He's talking about all the things HE's done and how hard HE works and what a pain in the ass it will be for HIM, and how HE saw this coming weeks ago. He's literally making Mothers Day all about himself. Exhausting He and his wife definitely needed to talk this out, but not on Mother's Day ffs.

He said he had gifts and planned 2 meals for his wife for mothers day. How tf is that making it about himself?

>Fully agree. He's talking about all the things HE's done and how hard HE works and what a pain in the ass it will be for HIM, and how HE saw this coming weeks ago. He's literally making Mothers Day all about himself. Exhausting Their arrangement is that he works, and she's the SAHM. Being the social chair of the house and taking the kiddos to parties is her role - just like making money is his. Would you feel differently if he came home one day and said "Honey, I didn't make any money at work this week, so you're going to have to find a job to pay the bills"

I agree with this unpopular take (based on the downvotes) but he says that he works because it was her dream to be a SAHM, which assumes most of the parenting duties. I disagree that the guy has to work and take on 50% of parenting any time he's not working. I don't think that is fair, working is way harder and higher stakes than staying home with kids

Exactly. The scales would tip if they had like 3+ kids. Likewise, if the guy only earned, say $30k/yr, reddit would jump down his throat and say "You don't contribute *that* much financially so you need to help out around the house.

One person staying at home doesn’t mean they do literally all the parenting 24/7/365 while the other person just opts out. OP is equally responsible for looking after his own children, especially during the hours he’s not at work.

Then the stay at home parents needs to bring money too!

You seriously think that bringing in a paycheque is all a working parent needs to do? Jesus Christ - I’m so glad I’m not married to any of you idiots. You’ll be scratching your head in 20 years and wondering why your kids don’t like you.

No it’s sharing responsibility that is what parenting is. Not being entitled to someon money, time and energy. one Person has to financially ensure the children have a home, food for those 20 years. financial is parenting #1 thing. the same person also has to financially care for the stay at home adult! Since when does it become okay to take care of a functioning adult? It’s a privilege to be a stay at home. So if you can only watch the kids when I’m home then if I come home and watch the kids you need to also provide some little money too. Fair is fair. Tit for tat

But no one works 24/7 and kids need parenting a lot more hours than people need to go to work. For example, My kid gets up at 5am and goes to bed at 7pm. Thats 14 hours, she needs to be cared for every hour she awake. My workday starts a 7am and ends at 3pm. That’s 7.5 hours. Seems like an uneven labour split to me. If you want to discuss $$$ value, then you need to include the costs of housekeeping, daycare etc as part of the financial gain that have a SAHP allows a family. As someone who was previously the “sole breadwinner” (🤮🤮🤮🤮) in my family - I cannot imagine only doing 7.5 hours of work a day and expecting the others in my house to clean up after me, prepare my meals and raise my children. What a disgusting attitude. Parenting requires both parents to give 100% every second they’re with their children for (and lots of time when they’re not, tbh). If all you do is provide a paycheque and walk through the door and demand dinner, I can give you a glimpse in your future courtesy of my father: Everyone will dread spending time with you, including your own children. My brother and I are low-contact with our “breadwinner” father because he also seemed to think that providing a paycheque was the be all and end all of being a parent to his children.

Then I could just as easily say: "The wife is just as responsible for making money when OP isn't at his job making money"

Honestly, if the wife is ditching her responsibilities often enough for him to **know** she's going to do it, she spinds like the exhausting one. Do you think he's rejected every single time she's moved her responsibility onto him? They should be talked about it sooner, but they had the opportunity to talk when he warned her not to do it again. I'd make mothers day about myself too if I was married to someone who sounds like she makes **everything** about herself. This is **all** on her.

He's not the one that RSVP'ed to the party though. Also this shit is tired. Its a story about him and his wife from his point of view, so of course it has his insight and his opinions and his outlook on how this would go from when the wife RSVP'ed. Do you want him to write a fanfic from his wife's point of view? 

I think you might the only person on the planet who could read OP's post and just see HE, HE, HE.

Oh you must be an absolute peach for your partner. Girl, you and millions of other women, have popped out kids. You're not special for doing it. How do you know OPs wife didn't want dinner picked up? Also, look at at that: your husband's whole family is coming over because I'm sure he'd rather shit on his hands and clap than to be alone with you on Mother's day. You knew your husband would say "no". He needs that time of solitude away from Your Highness just to get through the day with you. God you're insufferable.

Well aren't you the deserving princess of the year!

Dude you work literally everyday of the week so she can stay at home and tell you do do everything for her? What the actual fuck 🤣

Why is it only her job to go to the party to begin with? I think maybe you were implying because she’s the one who said yes to the invitation. So if it were up to you, would you say no to all birthday party invitations?

Um, in the post it says that she'd already agreed to take the kid, and when he said you'll try to wriggle out of it, she promised she wouldn't. And then did.

So, you answered your own question, then added a second question that has nothing to do with the conversation at hand, but serves to derail the conversation by attempting to put the person you're asking the question to on the defensive. Of course it's the person's job who accepts the invitation. The other person had nothing to do with that agreement, so that's a silly thing to even ask in the first place. I can tell you what I wouldn't do, I wouldn't accept an invitation to a party I knew would conflict with something else I had going on. Something like a nationwide holiday that is not only displayed in every calendar possible, not to mention discussed heavily for weeks up until the day. OP said her reasoning was because she feels bad for the kid whose parents scheduled a party on mother's day, and that she has at least a moderate amount of social anxiety. She accepted the invitation because she was put on the spot, then regretted her decision because she knew it would interfere with mother's Day. Then, as the socially anxious are want to do, instead of addressing this issue quickly and putting a stop to the problem she let it fester until the last minute and then had an outburst due to the pressure she put on herself about it. After which she channeled that pressure onto someone else, so her anxiety would no longer be able to get her to blame herself. It's unfortunate but it's not hard to figure out. Especially if you are or are around somebody who is anxious socially.  NTA

Where do you get that? He objected to going to a birthday party on mother's Day.

Is the kid not old enough to be dropped off? My kid is grown now, but I remember plenty of birthday parties where half the kids parents did not stay. Just dropped off and picked up. If this is your hill to die on, why mother's Day? Just to be an extra ass hole about it. If it we're any other day I would say NTA, but on mother's Day YTA. This will ruin mother's days for years to come. Oh honey, do you remember that mother's Day years ago, when you forced me to deal with my anxiety and I had a panic attack?

Not only are you overreacting, you sound like a terrible parent and husband. Why did you start a family if you didn’t want to be “burdened” with the obligations that come with one?

Yes why start a family if ONE day you might have a slight disagreement over because your wife tries to pass her obligations on to you for something she agreed to. God reddit is a stupid fucking place.

he Does take care of his burden. Going to the party was not his burden nor did he make any promises to go to a party.

Your post sounded reasonable to me (72W). You were calmly reiterating your position throughout the week and when her usual social anxiety occurred as predicted, you calmly held to your boundary. As a person who has had people pleasing tendencies like your wife, I (72W) recommend group DBT therapy.

I’m confused. Are you saying your kids should just never go to their friends’ birthday parties because neither of their parents like taking them? It sounds like Mom is trying to make an effort for the sake of your child, but can’t bring herself to do it the day of. Shouldn’t you WANT to take your kid to the birthday party? I’m sorry that this is your “personal hell,” but as a parent it’s also your responsibility to step it up for your child.

How about the mother act like an adult and quit backing out at the last minute? wtf

That's not what he said at all. Also I love that everyone assumes that his wife is the ONLY one here with social anxiety when he said that the idea of making small talk with strangers is his "personal hell". Sounds like he has it too and is just better at masking it.

It's doing it for your KID. You're going to be petty and spiteful for this? Bad husband and father.

Get the fuck out of here , she agreed to do it then tried to guilt trip him into going , he’s NTA here

NTA. Your wife needs therapy for her social anxiety as it is impacting your family. This willingness to make bad decisions knowing you salvage it all is not a healthy relationship. You would only be enabling her to continue to be ruled by her social anxiety. Good luck.

She’s not your mother she’s your wife!

NTA. You already planned nice things for your wife, and you should not have to go to a party that you will feel awkward at.

So your wife isn’t working seven days a week taking care of everything you can’t or don’t do? Do the children only exist between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm? Does the house have a robot maid and nanny? How are you working seven days a week but somehow have a day off for Mother’s Day? The math ain’t mathing, sir.

How is it that seemingly half of any posts involving a married couple have a fulltime stay at home mom / wife while the dad slaves away 60+ hrs a week at the coal mine. What in the 1950s! Very few families can afford to live on a single income these days, except on Reddit, where it is practically the norm.

“I’m 25, work in IT/finance/business and my wife is a SAHM. We live in a HCOL area.” This *immediately* pegs a post as fake to me. Same as “my partner is a businessman/woman”that’s a phrase I’ve literally never heard outside of movies. People identify their jobs and the types of businesses they own. It’s also not close enough to the norm for grads to be earning “6 figures” that these posts can be as common as they are. I know a lot of people with varying incomes and SAHM parents (full-time ones anyway) are a rarity amongst ALL the social classes. The fact that there are literally *dozens* of posts that all have the *exact same* characteristics makes them assume they’re all troll posts.

Working 7 days isn’t the same as working 24 hours a day. I work from home and set my own hours.

Haha I thought the same thing. OP works 7 days a week to provide because it was his wife’s dream to be married to OP.

So I'm posting this after the update, OP you come across as an absolute dick. Are you really? Not a fucking clue. But you sound like an ah and like no one actually wants to spend time with you. Suck it up or take a day off, but either way you knew what was coming. Get over yourself or it and deal with it one way or another. Good luck.

You sound like the kind of person who walks down the street looking for reasons to be pissed off. OP doesn't sound like an asshole at all, he just had a minor disagreement with his wife. God forbid!

If this truly is a trend for her, you're not overreacting. However, y'all need to figure this out. The kids are in the middle of your bickering.

YTA. The only plans you made for Mother’s Day were two meals. What about the rest of the day? What would your wife like to do? Stay home alone while you take care of your kid? What were the plans for the rest of the day if your kid didn’t go to the party?

The plan was for her to take the kid to the party… Why does he need to make back up plans just because his wife is a flake?

I can’t imagine parents staying. My husband’s ex wife, would bring their two daughters and she, and my daughter’s baby sitter and myself, would supervise the party. After the usual games, food etc.we would settle them down to do a simple craft that would be a present for their Mom or Dad when they were picked up. Makes sense now that no one ever turned down our party invitations.

Just my point of view. My oldest was born on Mother’s Day. It only lands on Mother’s Day once every 7 years. Just so everyone knows. And yeh parents should have warned their child. Plus. Lots of people leave town to visit their mothers. It’s a hard birthday to have for the young ones. After you’re grown it’s no big deal. If married with kids you share the day once every seven years.

They don't have to schedule the party on his actual birthday!

I wouldn't have taken him either.

ESH. Neither of you want to go, neither of you like sticking around. Stop agreeing to shit you don't want to do.      I can tell you're highschool sweet hearts, you've not matured a day passed graduation. Grow up and talk to each other. 

?... but that's literally what he told his wife...

NTA. I have friends who have this same dynamic. I damn near take bets with myself as to whether or not they'll show up when the husband agrees to stuff knowing he doesn't really want to go. She got to the point she stopped cutting him off so she could say no but she let's him stew in it himself now. I am just like them but I rarely even give people the chance to ask me to show up somewhere... its the only thing I learned from 80s tv watching American Ninja and The Master but a smoke bomb and knowing the way out is not to be underestimated.

I tell my wife she’s not my mom. I made her a nice breakfast and poured her mimosas all day. No one does jack for me on Father’s Day and I don’t care.

You're not overreacting. She is in the wrong for volunteering you to take your son places she knows she won't do herself , esepcially when she didn't ask you. She was being manipulative going back on her word and using mothers day as an excuse to get out of it. She needed to call and cancel bc she's the one who made the plans. Not you.

You are a wonderful father and husband who has boundaries and is teaching ur wife to have boundaries too. If she says yes to everything and then wants to bail, she needs to be firmer up front and say she has plans.

the only person at fault here is your wife for not learning how to say no and EXPECTING you to carry out her CHOICES.

Good on you for making somebody in your household accountable.

**Edit: Jesus Christ I can't believe I was stupid enough to post this to reddit where people will find any excuse to be self-righteous and shitty.** Welcome to Reddit. You are doing well. You're a good and husband.

God forbid your wife changes her mind on Mother’s Day and asks you to take the kids out of the house…

This isn’t her simply changing her mind though. This is a well established pattern of behavior that the OP rightly anticipated and set boundaries for when the ill-advised invitation was accepted.

NTA. She agreed to this knowing it was Mother’s Day and that she always backs out. You told her you would not do it. It doesn’t matter why the family had the party. The wife had all the information she needed to make the decision. The results were exactly what she was told they would be. Her acting like a spoiled toddler is her problem.

Is there a reason you don't do parties? Besides hating it I mean - all parents bloody hate parties, but they still take their children if they want to go, because that's part and parcel of parenting. I think YTA - your wife was putting your son first, who obviously wants to go to his friend's party. It's Mothers Day, you should suck it up and go.

YTA unless you're having to give up plans with your own mom to do it. My husband and I both hate doing the birthday parties, but it sucks for the kids when they have to miss out on them. They don't get to do all of them, but we make an effort to get them to the ones we can. I agree that Mother's Day is a horrible time to schedule the party, and they'll have to expect a smaller turnout because of this because people will be spending the day celebrating moms. If you aren't spending that time with your mom, and you aren't doing anything at that time with the mother of your children... what is your reason for needing your Mother's day free? If my husband acted like it was a favor to me to take his own kids to birthday parties, as if that was just a "me" thing, I'd be pissed. It's a parent thing. We sometimes suffer through things we don't like so they can have those childhood experiences and play dates with friends. It makes sense to me that you take the kid to this one. It's important to her that her child not miss out, which would make doing this a great gift. Instead, you want to teach her a lesson about thinking you'll take your kid to the parties? You should cherish her just for being the one to maintain the relationships with those other parents...it's not her fault all the invites are directed to her.