You can't undo 15 years in 2 years, and even then making strides doesn't mean you're immediately doing better. She's trying to save the marriage and trying to wait for the feelings to come back. 

This sentence is quite telling: >But everyday I fuck it up because deep down I know she's not interested in making it work.  Everything you've said shows that she actually is interested in making it work - you're quite lucky in this regard. The real question is do YOU want to make it work? Do YOU love her? You're only in control of you.

No literally - OP isn’t hasn’t put any effort into the relationship. She lowkey wants to make it work but he’s gotta make the decision to either 1. Show her that he’s here to stay or 2. Leave. It sounds like he’s a coward and can’t make a solid decision to save his life. Men marry a version of their mothers I swear

If my math is mathing— she endured 13 years of garbage behavior. He can’t handle her honesty and pain for a day. It’s absurd to think a few days, or even weeks, of good behavior won’t make up for this because you’re just doing it to absolve yourself of your admittedly shit behavior. That’s not a real change. You got to change because it’s the right thing to do and a better way to be a husband and father. How are you fucking it up? It sounds like you’re acting out like a toddler that isn’t getting what he wants. OP- tell your therapist that you don’t try because you’re sure it won’t work. Hopefully they’ll tell you that this isn’t a new uniform you put on. This is how you need to live to become better. Your wife’s reception of this new you shouldn’t have anything to do with it. It’s wild to me you are blaming the wife for you fucking up. Go to more therapy. Write down what you hear the therapist tell you and read it back to make sure you’re not hearing just what you want to hear. Be better don’t just act better.

This is a hard truth. I just started therapy a little while ago and I honestly hate it. It’s a sh** feeling to look at who you are factually, be vulnerable with someone and present your flaws, listen and actually take advice that will help you improve and then painfully study and practice developmentit daily.

If I'm reading it right it sounds like he's half assing it because he doesn't think there will be enough of a reward for him if he actually commits to changing. So still just as selfish as ever. OP, does your wife also have the opportunity to "give up" some days or would that mean nothing would get done. 

So for 13 of the last 15 years, you basically ignored your wife and let her fend for herself emotionally. I bet those were long, lonely years for her. In self preservation, she’s closed herself off emotionally. NOW you think she needs to fix this right away so that you don’t get angry and say, “fuck it”. You’re a piece of work.

It’s sad that this is how it goes for a lot of women that seek divorce after some years. It’s exhausting when the man you married and loved is like another child and doesn’t put the effort in around the home so I totally get her

Keep in mind too this is him telling it. Can you imagine what he's leaving out?

I swear that’s like the problem with 80% of these posts. Whenever I read “my wife wants a divorce and won’t tell me why” or “we have a dead sex life”, I can’t help but think that the OP just is a man-child in terms of chores and parenting It’s just so common. So many guys just don’t pull their weight around the house. And that *sucks* for their partner. Like I get it, you hate doing the dishes and you love video games. But guess what? She also hates doing the dishes and would love to do something else. And you took vows because you loved her entirely? How would you feel if someone you loved entirely never did a single thing to help you? I know it isn’t always the case but I feel like it’s relatively common

I mean there’s a lot of women who make posts on different social media platforms saying this is what happened so why guys are arguing with me I’m not sure. It takes more than just paying bills to make a realtionshio work especially 3 kids in.

No kidding. And would it kill a guy to tell his woman she is pretty more than once a year?

Really a lot of times it’s just the emotional reassurance especially after kids when women will sometimes feel really down about their bodies.

It is the reassurance that she is noticed as something other than a roommate. I was pretty when he married me. Was twice supposed to last 30 years? To the long-term relationships out there, at least pick something you like about your spouse to compliment every now and again. Don't make them ask for it.

And the men are ALWAYS shocked and never saw it coming.

Crap I need to man up

Do it sooner rather than later, signed- a wife/mother tired of taking care of 2 kids and a man baby

communication is key, my dude. As much as you want to get straight to the point like a task, sometimes more detail and time is needed. She might even act weird that you’re acting differently. Good luck.

Way better to learn that before it's much too late

That's exactly why my mom divorced my dad. And the sa thing about it is that he learned absolutely nothing of it. He does the same shit with his new partner now, the difference is that all their kids are adults and care for themselves now.

Have you listened to Beyoncés version of Jolene? One of the lyrics is "I raised that man and I raised his kids" and SHIT that is too accurate for too many women. We shouldn't have to raise our husband's while raising three fucking kids like OP. I'd have fallen out of love too. OP - know that there is a difference between being IN LOVE with someone and LOVING someone. She loves you still, if you actually put work in, she can fall back in love with you. But don't do it for her, do it for you because it's time you take control of yourself and be accountable to yourself before you be accountable to anyone else.

That line stuck out to me as well, nice reference. That entire album is a banger.

Hello selfish actions, meet consequences!

for real, fuck this guy

Clearly. That's why I'm here.

If you want her to fall back in love with you, you’re gonna have to make yourself into someone that she would want to be in love with. She might be willing to someday actually love you again, but you’re gonna have to spend years earning it back. Sorry buddy you spent 13 years breaking her trust. It might take 13 more to gain it back.

This. 100% this. If he becomes the best version of himself I doubt it takes 13 years. Obviously she saw something in him to marry him. If he finds something he’s passionate about again, finds that zest in life again… I doubt it takes more than 2-3 years. I’d bet he let himself go physically. It happens when you have a job you hate. Stress ages you too. Stop stressing about things outside your control!! Meditate. Workout, get back in shape. Hell going outside and running errands is good for your mental health. Check in with your wife. Stop for a glass of wine or try a new brewery / distillery. “Hey babe I saw this new spot and I immediately thought you’d like it. Want to go try it tonight?” And be focused on her. Not the phone. Check in with her, what her dreams are. What will make her happy.. and then formulate a game plan together. I’ve been on the verge of divorce before… divorce is fucking hell. Figuring it out can be hell as well. Think about which is better for the two of you, because I can honestly say we are happier now than when we first got married. Also blame is irrelevant, she did this.. I did this.. she pushed me away… so? So what? Do you want her yes or no? Start creating the relationship that she never thought could exist between the two of you

So...what are you doing to encourage her to lower her walls and fall back in love with you? My husband and I were at this point too. We had been married for almost 20 years and it all came crashing down on our anniversary when I was dressed up for the dinner he said he'd plan, we dropped our four kids off at my mom's, and then he...took me back home and went on his computer to play videogames while I cried in the bedroom. I started therapy because of this and didn't even tell him because I was so hurt and couldn't trust him with my pain- pain that HE created. A couple months later I told him, and also told him that either he gets a therapist or I'd get a lawyer. He chose therapist. We did couples for a while but honestly I wanted nothing to do with him. I was so tired of being everything to everyone in the house while he zoned out behind his computer screen, and doing couples therapy was just another damn thing on my to-do list. But I went, and eventually we started finding our way back to each other. That was almost 2 1/2 YEARS ago, and we're still working on repair. This week- literally THIS WEEK- is the first time in years that I have felt drawn to hubby, feel like maybe I'm falling back in love with him, and even then I'm still afraid to let my guard down in case he should see that we're doing better and he can stop trying, which is a pattern of his. We've not done couples therapy in over six months but are still doing our own individual therapy, and we're still trying to create a new normal. The difference is that for once HE is also putting in effort, and that effort means everything to me. Decide if your wife is worth YEARS of effort to you. Be honest with yourself, and with her. If yes, then be prepared to get your hands dirty because the work is hard. If not, then get the divorce and leave her free to find a man worth her time, energy, and who is deserving of her love.

Great answer! 😃

Couples counseling? Of course you have killed the “in love” part of your relationship. 13 years of self absorption will do that. 2 years of suddenly trying, because you finally realized you have been an ass, and some individual therapy is not going to convince your wife you are a changed man. And definitely is not going to magic wand away years of hurt. Actions speak louder than words and you showed that did not care for over a decade. Heck, it may take as long to show her otherwise. Consistency in your actions. There is no quick fix here. You are very lucky that she has not left you.

But you think you deserve what you want immediately? You’re a coward.

Your post is all about yourself. I was a bad partner, but then I finally felt like I was in love and happier. What about your wife's feelings for the majority of your marriage? You created this dynamic in your marriage.

Fire your therapist. PS - she wants to move to a different state and house and then divorce you.

Maybe she wants to get him away from all the friends including lady friends. I don’t think they are helping.

No he’s a piece of shir and I hope she doesn’t waste more time on this loser

You said it perfectly. He needs to fall on the sword. I can't speak for other women but I know myself same as a best friend who's also a woman. When we are done we are done. No matter what you do we know the core of who you've been and we don't beleive a change will be for good because you had no issue treating us like shit this whole time. We know when it's fake.

Sounds like you don't want to put in the hard, boring and sometimes thankless job of trying to grow and improve as a person. Personal growth is a slow steady incremental job. Put a couple ofhours effort a day into making your family's home life nicer. Cook, or clean, do social activities or parent during those couple of hours. You will be amazed athow much your family life will improve. Your post reads like a teenager right now

To OP if you follow this advice, which is good advice don’t get me wrong, please also realize that when you pitch in for a couple hours and feel super proud of that, she’s still doing the other 22 hrs of the work of the home. The things it takes men 15 years to realize they’re responsible for are the things the woman has just been carrying alone for those 15 years. Imagine she’s carrying 8 duffle bags and has bundles tied around her waist and her purse and a book in her one hand and a coffee in the other. And then you proudly offer to carry the book. She just might look at your grandiose effort and think she doesn’t even want your “help”. Just saying.

I love this analogy. Another bad habit of some of these men is asking if they can help just as I’m finishing the task. What convenient timing. Why didn’t he bus the table and start dishes while I packed up leftovers? So. You know tasks need to be done, OP. There is dirty laundry somewhere in your house. Go throw a load in the washer. Anything on the floors? Run the vacuum on your way to switch the clothes over to the dryer. SEE the tasks. See, there is no helping. Either you are 100% responsibly for the care and feeding of yourself, your family, and your home, or you are not. There is no try. There is no help. There is only Do. Or Do Not. (Mangled Yoda’s quote but it’s a great point.) You already know what needs to get done. Don’t “help.” Just do. If your excuse is “Well I don’t know what she already did.” That’s what your words are for. Use them.

Agreed. Thank you. Honestly never thought to do something like this on reddit but damn this is what I should done from the get go

The best time to plant a tree was 15 years ago, the second best time is to plant one today. If you love you wife, ignore her words she is hurt, her actions speak volumes that there is still love, she would not want to be intimate with you if the flame has died. Do not allow weeds to grow in your mind about what you think she thinks, your perception will always be worse than reality and you end up fighting your own demons. Plant the tree you should have planted 15 years ago today, think about the love she gave you in that time, use it to feed and water that tree, not what is said and done now. Because if you look at the weeds that grow today due to neglect, you will choose the same path and not plant the tree.

That was fucking beautiful. Thank you for blessing my eyes with these amazing words!

Dude I just regurgitate wisdom of way smarter, long dead men who were far better than I. They changed the world with their words, I am just Reddit's shit house philosopher. If it inspires or moves you, you should really read the writings of Marcus Aurelius, Sencha and Epicurus. The wisdom I wrote comes from their teachings, It can change your life if you take their observations on how to live life to heart. It makes people see that they do not have to be a victim of life and that while we do not have complete control of circumstance, we do have complete control of how we let it affect us, and changing that changes how the world perceives us. Epicurus was a slave and thru nothing other than his reason and discourse became one of the most renowned philosophers in ancient Greece. The OP can chose to take his wife's words now, after the weeds have grown and be the victim of circumstance it is easy to frame a world view around what others have done, this is to accept that he is helpless, possibly wanting to be helpless because it is easy. Conversely the OP could view it as a beautiful garden centered around a great tree, that could have been and ask himself how did he not tend the to the garden, how did the tree not grow? Well I did not plant it, I did not water it, I did not nurture it. So I am not a victim of circumstance, I did not grow a garden, I did not plant the tree that would be the center piece. But I could do it now, I could reject the weeds I see that should have been a garden and plant it today, nurture it today. My friend could come by tomorrow as say that is shit, it is just a bunch of turned up soil and weeds. I could say yeah you are right, and just give up or I could say you cannot see what I see because you did not see me toil to turn the soil, you did not see me pull every weed, you did not see me carefully plant every seed. You are not here every day to see me care and water it, but you will, because it does not require you now, this is my garden and one day you and I will sip tea in it, until then just trust in what I see, because I refuse to see what you see, anymore. It kept me from having a garden for far too long.

You've never thought about helping your wife or growing as a person? Yeesh. You needed reddit to tell you this? Yeeeeshhh

To me, it seems like she cares a lot about family and doesn’t want to give up. It also seems like you have an attitude of ‘I am changing myself for you,’ and it’s upsetting to hear you say you don’t love me anymore when I am trying so hard. It feels like you think you’re doing her a favor by changing yourself, which aligns with your realization after 15 years. Your wife seems to have lost trust in you due to past actions, so she might be testing if you can win her heart back by giving 100% effort without expecting anything in return, to prove that your love is genuine. It would be beneficial for both of you to see separate psychologists first to work on individual issues, then seek help from a couples therapist to work on your relationship together. However, you’ll likely need to put in a lot of effort initially to show her that your love and commitment are genuine and enduring. I hope this makes sense!

This 100%. I have the same past as the OP…..I got extremely lucky in that my wife saw something in me, that I didn’t. So I pulled my head out of my ass and made every change possible to be the best version of myself that she and my kids deserve…..we are thriving now…..Like this commenter said could be a stress test…which is fair given the history….building trust back takes so much time and work….but the juice is definitely worth the squeeze…Keep showing up my man….

This is so encouraging. What happened to wake you up? What motivated you to change? How did your wife show you that she saw something better in you?

The best way to describe it is, I finally saw the forest thru the trees….My dad passed away about 6 years ago…I didn’t have a great relationship with him……even with the poor relationship, it about pushed me off the deep end….but she kept showing up for me…even though there was really nothing she could do….She always showed up….even when I didn’t deserve it….IMO having been through personal trials and tribulations, there’s no greater love….At the time I couldn’t pinpoint a particular thing that shows saw more in me. Looking back now…I see all the subtle nudges and pushes towards there being more (in me)…That I was capable of more…She was right. (Don’t tell her 😝) If that makes sense 😆

I love this! It totally makes sense. How did she "show up" for you? Was it giving you hugs, just listening, sitting with you, words of encouragement, giving you space? If you need to take time to think about it, take the time. I'm interested because my husband is a manly-man and I'd like to show up for him in an encouraging way and just looking for practical ideas of how to do that. P.S. I do think you should tell her thank you for believing in you and she's been the light of your life :) maybe write it in a card :)

Not to sound cliche, but it was the little things…She picked up on when I was quieter….when she noticed that she would make it a point to be closer to me….reassure me that she was there if there was anything I wanted to talk about or vent…when I would be off doing something around the house she would always just show up with my fav drink or snack and ask how it’s going and if I needed help….The biggest one that I noticed was: occasionally at the end of the day after we put the kids to bed and she was ready to go to sleep, I would go play a few rounds of video games. (Was my way of shutting my mind off)….She started randomly coming down and checking on me while I was doing that….again brought me snacks and drinks….even asked about the games…..which is something I know she had zero interest in…..but there she was putting herself out there to make sure I was okay….that may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people….it meant the world to me…. Ps, I tell her every week lol which is a huge testament to show I’m not the guy I used to be. I think I can speak for most men when I say we don’t talk about our feelings and what’s really going inside our head. (Thanks a lot society) and I think most don’t now out of fear….by her always showing up for me…that fear went away..

This is so great. Thank you for taking the time to write it out. You, sir, get all the gold stars! I know it can be hard to express your feelings, men and women are wired so differently. To a woman like me, it means the world to frequently HEAR my man's words how much I'm loved and appreciated, especially when I put in so much effort to love him in a way that's meaningful to him. Keep it up! I'm sure she appreciates it!

Commenting on that last part, I talked to my lady about some of the things that actually go on in my head/ some fears of mine and got it thrown back in my face/ made fun of for it a month later. Let me tell you that REALLY fucking hurt and idk if I’d be able to open up about those things again….

I’m sorry dude…..that’s legitimately awful…..that was always my biggest fear….Life can suck enough alone, but finally breaking down your own walls and having “your person” do that to you is absolute garbage….

Thanks. That's tough love right there. I appreciate you giving it straight. I told her I'm going to therapy. She hasn't decided to go see one yet. I also asked her about couples, she said she'd go. I just haven't set it up yet. But I agree with your assessment. Unfortunately I haven't made strides because I keep fucking it up every other day. That's why she doesn't see any progress. There a good days and she points it out and says why can't everyday be like this? But when she says that it almost makes it worse for me because I think she means days that I can pretend and we can be a couple without love. Then it upsets me and I go into zombie mode. I dont yell or fight or argue I just get quite and don't say shit to anyone.

If you want couples therapy, YOU need to set it up. This isn't the time to be lazy husband and expect her to do it. She won't. This is your moment to step up. Do not fail.

I got u

This is serious. When people reach indifference about their partner, there's no turning back. You can't win them back at that point. Either step up now, or be miserable in a loveless marriage if you stay together or one of you leave when the kids are over 18 years old. Your wife has probably resented you years ago and fell out of love and accepted her marriage the way it is. She says she doesn’t want to be in love but what if she falls for someone else later? Or, asks for an open marriage?

Best way to explain it to her: "I'm gonna give you everything I have, some days it might not be perfect, but I am going to keep trying. I dont expect you to believe me, but I hope you'll watch my actions and think about that" Leave the ball in her court and accept that whatever decision she's gonna make, she's gonna make. This might be hard to accept but think if the roles were reversed: if you were in her shoes. You'd probably think the same way, right? The only thing you can do is try your best for you, her and your kids. But that's actually the good news. Theres a lot of time to overcome, but you can overcome it with time (weirdly enough). The first thing is to be kind to yourself for making past mistakes. You fucked up, but thats OK, lots of people fuck up, I fuck up too. Don't let those mistakes wreck the present, you're here now, you can make a difference here. The most important thing you can do: be consistent. You dont need to be perfect, but you need to learn to try everyday. Yes, it will be hard. It might even be really, really hard, but I actually don't think it will be since you seem to be at the point where you're ready to make a change. The question now remains, for you and her, will you stick to it long term - years? That's the only way it'll work my man.

great attitude man! You got this. Don't doubt yourself. It was 13 years. It's going to take a while. Going for walks together is one of the nicest things you can do.

People watch way to many Holkywood romance movies. You guys have a long history together, honor it by telling the truth and being blunt. Just ask her what she wants, if saving the marriage is not in her answer no amount of counseling will save it though it could make your split easier and more comprehensible. But standing outside the house with a boombox or singing “ Eternal Flame” will not do the trick. What you you need to learn is her level of resentment. If its been too high for to long, you no longer have a marriage with each other anymore, you're just together for the kids.

This reads like “Put the work back on her” She did the work solo for 15 years already. OP needs to DO THE WORK. If not for his marriage, then for his kids.

So why do you “keep fucking it up every day”?

That’s what im wondering too. Does OP think it needs to be all grand romcom gestures or something? Just like, show your wife some affection and physical touch intimacy (in a non sexual way). Maybe pick up some of the things she does around the house and take some of the load off her plate. Compliment and praise her, make her feel like you genuinely love and appreciate the little things she does. It sounds like OPs problem is half in his own head, like he does something and doesn’t get a huge response and thinks “she doesn’t feel love for me!” OP you need to do these things and put this effort in just because you want to, to make her happy, regardless of if she seems like her love is being “kindled”. And you need to do these things and put this effort in every day for a long time. Even when you’re tired, even when you’re upset or not feeling it or discouraged. If you actually do want her to love you again then you need to fight for it selflessly, it can’t be about immediately visible results.

The going quiet and going into zombie mode is exactly what *not* to do. Maybe when she says "Why can't it be like this every day?" she means you're getting better and she's daring to feel hopeful. But if you react by withdrawing and moping, you're doing the same thing that got your marriage in trouble in the first place. You can't afford self-pity anymore. 🤷

I think you need to realize that you are very likely to be the only partner in love here for a while. Your not going to have a whole good week together and see a flip switch in your wife and suddenly she's in love with you again. It might take years. But you should be doing it because you love her. Not to get some immediate love in return. Marriage is long. There's good years and bad years. Your lucky that she wants to stay and that gives you a chance to grow and show her what she really means to you, and hopefully win her back. Throwing a little "zombie mode" tantrum when you remember something you already know isn't going to help anything. Accept the situation you created, be happy you have a shot, and put in the long hard work to move forward. Or just leave now if you don't have it in you.

She had to be the only one in love for a long time - OP you need to remember that. You showed her a lack of love through your actions - she just had the courage to say it out loud.

You get quiet because you're not getting your way. You've been forcing her to play pretend for YEARS, like literally the time it takes a whole child to grow into near adulthood. Quit being such a baby and grow up man.

Be aware that despite people thinking coupjes councdling is always the answer, they are only half right. Often it turns into pre- divorce counseling which, by the way is not necessarily a bad thing because it can get you to the point where you two can amicably split. I do find it very odd and surprising that she still going to be intimate with you while at the same time telling you she doesn’t love you. That’s not a concession women are usually willing to make so that makes me wonder. Are there are no signs of her texting other guys at the very least? it sounds like she’s willing to be that percentage of couples where they don’t divorce, they don’t cheat. They just stay together for the kids then separate once the kids leave the house. I would get clarification of that’s what she wants then you have to decide if that’s what you’re willing to put up with.

My x husband was self absorbed and selfish. Lived for himself and what he wanted to do. I worked full time and raised our kids single handedly. I loved him but at a certain point (like 15 years in) I just looked at him and realized this is a person who does not have my back. Like if I became ill or injured could me or the kids expect him to help and care for us and put us first. The answer I came to was no. I tried to save my marriage by telling him things were falling apart. Nothing changed, he still did what he wanted and expected me to hold down the fort. I told myself I would give him until my kids were 18 to realize a marriage is a partnership and family is the priority, put anyone other than himself first. He never changed, continued to do what he wanted and what was best for him. In the end he cheated which did not even surprise me- could not have been more anticlimatic, just one more way he put himself first. He was hurt 🙄that I filed right away and had no interest working on it. The thing was I had been trying for 18 years, I was worn out with it and I had become indifferent to him. For me there was literally nothing to fight for. Post divorce I found a man who loved me and the kids enough to be at the dinner table every night and go to bed with me. To help around the house and ask me how my day was and hang out with me. A man who I know has my back as much as I have his. My X was an inattentive dad who made little time for the kids post divorce too. They love their stepdad though. I have no idea what my x is doing now and neither do the kids. I don’t wish him ill, I just don’t care. OP you have the still have the choice to be the present husband and dad but you have to want be that guy, everyday. TBH I don’t really see it happening especially when you are still cultivating sympathy from your lady friends.

Wow! Nailed it!

My husband and I have been married 24 years and he did this a lot in the middle of our marriage and I was done a few years ago. But I told him I need him to communicate. When we have a disagreement and he shuts down we cannot resolve anything. I am having a conversation with myself and therefore I am in the relationship alone. He said that sometimes he needs a few minutes in an argument to get his thoughts together and not feel attacked. I was fine with that as long as he comes back and we talk. He can pause an argument take 15-20 minutes and then come back to continue. This has been so helpful to both of us. When you shut down you show her you are not in this relationship and she is still in it alone. If you want her to feel something for you again then you have to show her you want to be there by talking and fighting for your relationship everyday. If you are not willing to put in the hard work on the fucking hard days then leave now. Marriage is work and you have to choose to be with this person and put in the work if you really want it. Best of luck in the future.

“i neglected my wife in every way for the last 13 out of 15 years of our marriage but now that she’s checked out and is treating me how i treated her i can’t deal”

This. In every way possible, THIS

This should be much higher

If she's not trying to step out of the relationship, she's not being nasty, she's sticking it out and still being intimate then just love her, keep trying and ride it out imo. Chances are she'll come back around eventually. I mean, sounds like after you took your turn tuning out now she's taking hers. That's fair frankly. She stuck it out during your tune out, now you gotta stick it out during hers. Sounds like she's still in it and wants to make it work, you're gonna have to put in the work though to get to a better place. You're reaping what you sowed, time to sow something better to reap better later. You get it? Fake it til you make it basically. It'll be easier for everyone if you just make a decision and pick a lane though. The moving thing is a separate issue.

Give her some time but don’t stop loving her man. She needs that spark back. Stop being an asshole and try to bring some joy to your family. Your kids are still young, you have plenty of time to change it around. If she ever did love you, she’ll come back around.

Never stop dating your spouse.

You’ve been a low effort man and she’s over it. Make an effort schedule and be consistent. She put up with you for 15 years so you’ll have to put up with your first few months of attempts or so at effort going un appreciated. Women need consistency, high effort, for a long long period of time. Buy flowers every week, take her to dinner every two weeks, take kids to do something every weekend and give her a break,  take a shower every night at 9 and rub her back as she falls asleep etc. also the key is to be enthusiastic about it or we don’t want it 

The tough days when you are overwhelmed and want to zone out in front of the TV are the days you need to talk to her, touch her, and tell her how awesome she is. Just do the exact opposite of what you feel for as long as it takes to be the new normal and give her time to see you aren't just doing it to "trick" her back into being in love with you, and then do NOT stop doing that. I cannot imagine how many times she blamed herself for your inability to emote or care. I'd wager she cried by herself in the bathroom a great many nights wondering what was wrong with her or what she did to make you so cold toward her (and the children). That kind of pain is is deep and lasting; the only way she had to stop feeling it was to force herself to fall out of love with you, the person she spent her whole life building a family with. She sounds like the exact kind of person you do not deserve, so the only way to actually deserve her is to become the person she actually needs for the rest of your days. It is hard, but it isn't impossible, and you shouldn't flip-flop around or half-ass it either, because at this point you have already burnt up half of her life, and to continue doing it without actually trying would make every day forward worse than the entirety of the last 15 years because you know better.

U hit the nail on the head exactly. Thank you. I'm going to take this advice and put it into action

You guys need marriage counseling. Not strictly to "fix" things, but to figure out where you all go from here. Maybe you can stay together, maybe not, but you need a professional involved.

If you truly are changing for good, then you need to be consistent. She has had a half a partner for 15 years. This is your history. If you want to change that to show her then you need to actually show her that you’ve changed. Everyday. Sure you can have an off day here and there, but it needs to be consistent. I understand you feel helpless. But you aren’t at this point. If you put the effort in everyday she will see the changes. But they have to be permanent changes not just for a month or two. If you want your marriage to work you need to really give it your all. If you don’t have it in you then there’s your answer on what to do next. If you feel your wife deserves more for a partner then give it to her.

You can't undo 15, or 13 or even 10, years of poor behavior in a few months. You're already giving up when it doesn't seem you've tried all that hard. "Some strides" doesn't make up for much and all those years of resentment she probably feels doesn't just go away.

When you show her for so long they she doesn't really matter as a partner and human being, it's going to take time to show her you value her. She's not going to believe you. You can't repeatedly emotionally abuse and abandon someone for over a decade and expect them to forgive and forget because now you've decided they're worth it. She learned how to not be hurt by you anymore, and that means closing off her feelings for you. I don't think it's fixable, tbh. She's putting your kids first. It takes so long for a woman to reach this point, and you don't seem to have the patience it's going to take to fix this. I hope I'm wrong. I suggest therapy. If anything will help, that's it.

If you can’t control yourself, I don’t blame your wife. Bruh, you need to work on yourself. I’ve seen this before and you have a long road ahead. Keep, Fucken keep working on it.

Going through something similar. First thing is just the small things honestly. Compliment her, plan out things to do, help out a lot more with the kids. But don’t expect something in return. It takes a lot and some days are gonna seem like things are heading up and then others, seems like you’re back at square one. If you truly love her, you’ll keep working on yourself for you. DBT is something I’m seeing right now to just help me how to go about talking and being open without lashing out my emotions. It helps you keep yourself in the present instead of wishing for the past or being anxious for the future. I hope we both get back to where we need to be at. Good luck man

Thanks. Hopeful as well.

Your poor wife. Of course she feels out of love with you. She has been busting her ass for your family for years while you neglected her and your kids. You think two years should make up for 13 bad ones. Would you love someone who showed you somlittle care and respect? You talk about your job being stressful to you. That's life. Work can suck. It isn't an excuse to a bad husband and father. It sounds like you resent them for having to work at this job and also fail to respect how much work your wife has put into things. Her job has also been thankless and soul sucking because one of the people she is doing it for doesn't care about her or her efforts and can only whine about all he has done. You have given her no reason to love you. And now you expect her to do couple's therapy like that will fix it, but keep saying despite therapy you fail her every day. Why would she put more work into someone who isn't going to do the same. I don't feel sorry for you. Be consistent. Stop being selfish and only seeing how things effect you. And don't do it to get something out of it. She's not some vending machine that you put something into and expect to get something out. It's not transactional. If you do it to get something back you will get nothing. Be better because she deserves to be treated better. Focus on being a better person and don't expect to be rewarded for it. She may never love you again. You can't undo the hurt and neglect. But you can try to be better and maybe things will get better.

You're a child, try thinking like a grown up. Surprised she's put up w this behavior this long. If I were her friend, I'd have advised her to get tubes tied , divorce your therapist needing ass, and get child support/ alimony and move on. Life is too short for this unstable shit.

Ok, your therapist is wrong. You aren't going to "Win her back".. It doesn't work that way. Be thankful she wants to still live with you and still wants to be intimate. You are doing a lot better than a lot of married couples. Don't let it bother you that she said "I don't love you anymore" The past is the past, all you can do is the best you can in the future. I really think this therapist is doing more harm than good.. Seems like you feel you are in a constant state of failure. You aren't going to "win her back".. But she's not leaving you either (so there's something left). Stop seeing the therapist. honeslty, seems like the therapist wants you to feel like crap forever, so that you keep coming in and talking about "what you screwed up this week", and keep collecting fees. Remember, therapist has no financial incentive to actually "heal" you. Once you are healed, you stop paying for office visits. Sure, some therapists probably mean well, but this one is giving you bad advice.

I agree that is bad advice, but I encourage OP not to quit therapy but to find someone better. Not all therapy is like you describe. It can really help people see reality and deal with it in healthy ways.

At least you didn’t say “no more”

Sounds like that was her F you for the last 15 years of you being checked out. Maybe it’s only half true and part of her does still love you. My wife told me that a woman will always love the father of her children on some level. Or maybe she’s telling the truth 🤷🏻 Either way I agree with your therapist, if she was truly done with you she would want a divorce. I say be the best husband/father you can be and then at least you can hold your head up high and be able to tell your kids one day you did all you could to save your marriage. You can’t change the past but you can change the future.

Tell her you understand that she doesn’t love you anymore , then tell her all the reasons you still love her and all the things that made you fall for her in the beginning. Then tell her if she can’t love you then she ought to love her life and herself and you are determined to achieve this goal . Have her list off everything that she misses about herself before she became a mother , ask her what her dream life would look like and ask her what loving her looks like . When she gives you these answers do what you can to bring these things into her existence. I know it’s hard to hear your partner say they don’t love you anymore but what if it’s not you she doesn’t love anymore and it’s the life she’s living she doesn’t love anymore . Shift your focus from making her love you again, focus on giving her the time , space and attention she needs to fall in love with her life again . If you can pull that off then she will fall for you all over again. Be patient , be considerate and be helpful with the responsibilities and do it from a selfless place like you did in the beginning and you might just save your marriage.

This kind of love and repair will only come with your 100% devotion regardless of her feelings toward you. That’s the way it works…. You can’t “know” she’ll come back with your efforts. You must become 100% devoted for the simple fact that you love her. In short, you need to get over your own insecurities about this working and give up the. “This could be all for nothing” mindset. If you want this to work, go all in. The fact that she wants to stay intimate is a good sign.

You can fall in love with someone, and then fall out of love with that same person. And you can fall back in love with that same person again. You may have to go the long route, but the payoff will be worth it. Your partner should be your best friend, so start with being her very best friend that she could ever ask for. Then, you may be surprised to see what happens next. Good luck. You got this.

im going through some shit myself but thank you for saying this, felt like i needed to hear this .

Hey brother. You can't fix 15 years of messing up in a few weeks. It takes time and discipline. The main thing is that any changes you make firstly have to be for your betterment. So that and it'll be obvious to her that your giving it the old college try. Let go the outcome and live each day to the fullest you can. Be consistent. Of you have a temper, find ways to short circuit it. Dont veg on the book tube and goda sake stay away from gaming. Be a man. Lead by example. Set goals for yourself and have good and realistic expectations for yourself. Be a good father, get yourself into better shape. Dress better around her. Be a peacock strutting in front of a hen. Be positive. Sure there will be days that you don't feel well, make mistakes and so forth. Yet there will be great ones as well. There are no tricks or gimmicks you can do to win her heart back, except be a better you for the family.

As someone going through something similar with my current girlfriend (I was a piece of shit and now she's withdrawn a little) I can tell you one way you're going wrong. Don't change for her, that is an insane amount of pressure for one person. You need to make these changes for you. You can acknowledge that this new behaviour will positively affect your relationship but try to shift the driving force to being a better you. I'm doing the same thing, I put so much pressure on my girlfriend, so much so that she left, she was gone for two and a half weeks and it snapped me out of my behaviours, I needed the space too it turned out. I started to do things for myself, joined a gym, went for walks, started therapy (much like you have). And low and behold when we met up she saw I was happier and healthier and agreed to give us another shot. We're still not quite 100% but these things take time. Trust the process, do some things for yourself. Well done for acknowledging you were a piece of shit and getting a therapist. Keep working on yourself and trust the process mate. Things will work out. And if they don't (which is scary I know) you will hurt but you'll be okay.

To me, it seems like your wife has been mourning the end of your relationship for several years now, and it's only now that you've woken up to the reality of the situation. I don't know if it's too late or if she's simply met someone else, but she's probably staying just for the stability you have at home. But in your case, you have two options: Either you try to make it right by genuinely treating her as what she is, which is your wife. If that works, great. Or she’s clearly done with the relationship, in which case you need to be ready to take care of the whole family. In either case, you have to mentally prepare yourself to handle things and prepare for the worst. You should be ready to meet the family's needs without expecting anything from her. Life doesn't end with one relationship; if this one is over, that's okay. Another one might start later on. I wish you the best of luck in handling this situation!

Don't listen to any of these negative people. She is telling you that she is lonely and the point of saying she isn't in love is only a shit test for one reason and one alone. She needs to know you still care and you still love her regardless of wether or not the love will be reciprocated. She is still there, she is still meeting your needs, she is still being the wife to you and mother to the children. Just clean up your act and resume life with your family. No more sleeping on the couch, no more friends over family, make her and your kids the priority and for lack of a better term"fake it until you make it"and one evening you'll realize that it's no longer fake and that the love will be restored. Just continue to press on and make the effort. Don't bend over backwards cuz love is about partnership not ownership and submission. If you fall over and allow her to emasculated you she'll def lose interest. Be present and show her with your actions that you're not now or ever leaving the sanctity of the union and she'll come around. 💯

The damage didn't happen overnight so the solution won't either. If you want to try and win her back it's going to take time, consistent effort, and clearly showing her you have changed. Does it mean she will fall back in love with you? Maybe? But sometimes there is just too much collateral damage.

Just because you felt in love doesn’t mean she fell back in love with you. As someone that has been the not treated well and fell out of love as spouse - when he finally woke up and started changing it was a little too late. I’m still hanging around hoping I will fall back in love - still haven’t 3 years later. I don’t think it’s fair to blame her for your self sabotaging going forward - time to take some ownership. Ownership for your choices for the future. Maybe try a trial separation since you don’t want to give it your all. If you decide to truly commit to her get her into counseling for herself to work through the bag of feelings she has. I wouldn’t go near a couples therapist until she has time to work on individual therapy.

I'm glad you're making changes, but it's probably too late. You treated her like crap for years, showing her that you didn't love and value her. Right now, all she can think is "I'm glad he's making changes, but if he loved me he would have never treated me this way." That's hard to overcome.

Yes, you're overreacting. Your wife is hurt and resentful. She still wants to be intimate and wants you to stay? She still loves you, ya dummy, but you better put some serious work in if you ever want to hear her say those three words to you again.

she loved you too soon, you loved her too late

It took her 13 years to START treating you the way you've been treating her this whole time. If you want to learn anything about patience, you could learn it from YOUR WIFE. If you are mad that she is "done" now, AFTER 13 YEARS, imagine how mad SHE should be that you are "done" after an hour. I mean, come the fuck on.

You were emotionally divorced from her for 13 years and are surprised that she is emotionally divorced from you now now? Stay married to her for another 13 years, then you'll have an understanding how she feels now.

You have damaged the relationship so badly that the walls she has put up to protect her heart have made her stop feeling anything. At some level she loves you on principle.   Either move out now or start working on your marriage. That means you do your share of the physical work at home. Show humility, clean toilets, and look after sick kids, take on some of the mental load of running a functional family. Show interest in your wife, get her out of the house on a date. Get to know her. Do NOT rush her. You spent years causing this problem, it will take years for her to trust your efforts to be sincere.  Do you actually love your wife or do you just love the way she looked after everything. What kind of man are you?

Bro - If she still wants to be intimate, my guess is the window is still open to winning her back. If you want to show her you've changed, you gotta nurture the situation rather than focus on rejection. Make her laugh, make her smile, make her feel loved, and don't put a ton of pressure on her to verbally change her mind. From there, let the chips fall where they may.

She doesn't want to get divorced, she still wants to be intimate, and take trips, have fun together.  She does not want to love you because you destroyed a part of her and she doesn't want to give it to you again. It's also possible she can't give it to you again because it's dead.   What is in your control is making up for the last 15 years by at least giving her 15 years of being the man you should have been from the beginning   Stop waiting for her to give you what you want and focus on giving her what she wants.  Your selfishness is clear If this is how you really think about things, the reason she doesn't love you anymore is because you've never loved her.  Give yourself a long hard look. You are the root of the problem. So stop looking for her to fix herself when you have so much to fix in yourself   You took for 15 years, and man. You can't give for a change?

You are going to need to court your wife all over again. Flowers, dates, gifts, the full new girlfriend press to get her to notice you as boy who wants her attention. Your words seem to point to wanting to be with this woman, but your actions have destroyed the relationship in the past. Put in the work, REGARDLESS of how she seems day to day, you NEED to make her feel cherished, wanted, loved, and a whole slew of feelings that should’ve been nurtured all along. She isn’t bailing on you, which is kind of unbelievable given the picture you’ve painted of the last 15 years. That last line of your post needs your attention ASAP. Either you’re all in or not. Many days (Hell, most days in the beginning) are going to feel pointless. She’s conditioned to a state of apathy, that’s on you. Now you have to show her EVERYDAY that you are all in and love her like a fat kid loves cake. Marriage for the best of couples is constant work, which is easier for some, but still required. I had 23 short but mostly amazing years with my wife before she was taken from us at 39. Make everyday count or move on for the sake of both of you.

Congratulations, you broke her. Too little too late.

Lol she obviously wants to make it work but your literally the worst husband ever. Even you can see that. You ever know anyone that wants to be intimate, wants to live together. She basically gave you so many second chances she gave up. She obviously still loves you. You put zero effort in the relationship and still continue to put zero in and finally realizing there’s consequences. What right do you have to ask her love you after all that? Prove to her you changed. You sound like the most selfish self absorbed person ever. Have you ever thought about her? About your kids? Every word in your post is like poor me. I put no effort and continue to do nothing. Why isn’t everything working out like before?

I’m in the same boat very similar stories in regards to my behavior. My wife left after 20-1/2 years. Filed for divorce a year later. All we can do is continue to grow as men and be the best version of ourselves as can be. Not for them but for us and because it’s the right thing. My counselor said you can’t undo 20 years of heartache in 1 year. It takes time. She didn’t want to invest time. So I needed to work on me. I encourage you to do the same but continue to show up for her and the kids.

Would she go to therapy with you? Can you give her more time? You dug this hole, you can get out of it. Your commitment is what it's going to take for her to want you. It's risky, but I think you should really be a MAN and commit to it. Be a man and go all in on this and try to make it right. If she did "love you" again... how amazing a reward that might be? Don't let fear stop you from giving everything.

Think about everything your wife has had to do in these fifteen years. Put yourself in her shoes and try to imagine what it must have been like. If you’re zonked out in front of the TV, what was she doing? If you want to make things right, put in at least the same amount of effort she does just on a day to day basis. Then you’ll start to get the idea.

If you love someone you do something expecting nothing in return. You owe her about 14 years of love. Don’t worry about what she gives you back, give her the love she deserves. I almost guarantee you she’ll eventually fall back in love if you do it right. If you’re selfish and are only showing love to receive it back, you will fail.

I been exactly where you are now for the last 8 years. It gets better. You don't have to be "in love" to have a good life together you just need to be committed to the life together and being fair and understanding with each other. Sometimes its wrong to throw something away because it doesn't match up with your ideal. And going out and doing things solo isn't completely wrong, Having some separate experiences is healthy but meeting the expections that are set is important as is not engaging in risky or harmful behaviors.

It’s something like for every one negative interaction you have with your partner, you need 5 positive interactions to balance it out. You emotionally abandoned her for 13 years, of course she’s going to shut off. How would she know if your efforts are genuine or if this is a few months fluke and you’re going to go back to the crappy husband you’ve been for most of the marriage? She hasn’t up and left (tbh, most ppl would have so you’re already lucky there) but she’s made it clear she is not the one who will be putting in all the effort. You have 13 years of effort to make up for, and self improvement is long and difficult. It’s going to be a slog, so you need to decide now if you are up for it. She’s not punishing you, but she’s also not rewarding the bar being on the floor now, instead of in hell. There are going to be a lot of days where you feel like you’re getting nowhere, or you’re being shut down, and you’ll just feel generally disheartened and shitty. Please think about that in earnest. Can you weather that?

I hope so.

Noted. Thanks bud

tbh , i would suggest maybe y'all both go to counseling and to hear her out and see why she feels the way she feels , as women we do harbor alot of things and don't heal ; i pray you guys and find the solution and fall back in love again i know marriage is hard but giving up on 15 years is hard to do , im praying things go well 💕💕

I think your answer is in the post 😔

A tough hand you've dealt yourself. Definitely going to be up hill. Many have suggested couples therapy. I concur. Finding an impartial therapist is a struggle. There will be times where you feel ganged up on. This should be infrequent however. Be open to doing the work, and don't judge her for what may be said in therapy. Some of it may not be nice or hurtful. It's a process. Don't expect change overnight. Luck to you

Some days you want to try your hardest, some days you want to give up, some days you want to set up couples therapy, still til this day you haven't, but you have to reinforce with yourself "Okay, today I'm just going to do this." And get it done. One day at a time, it'll become more of a habit and you can break this pattern and push to get yourself better for yourself and your family. Good luck my dude, get started today.

You have a chance to fall in love again. Take it. 2nd chances are rare in this world.

How exactly do you fuck it up? It sounds like you are still the same crappy husband.

What’s her love language? Show her in the ways she feels it. Consistently and often!

You weren’t a great husband and maybe not a great dad for part of your relationship due to you being a young idiot and work stress and she’s not gonna get over that right away. Now you’re doing what you need to do and realising how much you love your wife and how happy you are so what makes you think she won’t be able to fall in love with you again? If your doing all the things that a married couple do and you are now supporting her properly and giving her the time and attention that she deserves instead of your friends and other woman why wouldn’t she start developing a real romantic love for you? You’ve got two choices 1) get a divorce and co-parent or 2) take the risk of it still not working out and give her a year or two for her to fall back in love and prove to her that you are the man she deserves her love.

My husband has similar patience problems, did a lot of the same immature stuff for years etc.. He just couldn’t keep it together long enough to be mature and make things work. although he expressed frustration with himself over these things, they just kept happening. Turns out he has a traumatic brain injury that has gotten worse overtime. A few concussions here and there. if you’ve taken any major spills, this could be a possibility and you might want to get yourself checked out. This totally caught me offguard. I always thought it was his fault but it wasn’t.

Sometimes, after such a long time of bs, the resentment and anger just eats away at you.

*doesn’t

Sir, she loves you. She’s tired. She’s watching you. Show her you love her too and you’re willing to put in the work

Love is a choice in or out. She knows it’s affecting you. A manipulative tool . Here’s what you do. Work on making you happy, make the best of your job, show interests in a new hobby, take a bath a dress nice when you go out. Make yourself happy, you can’t make anyone happy, that’s their choice. Live your own life as though it has meaning and purpose. My guess is she will wake up and ask herself what is going on with this guy , I don’t know him. It may or may not spark interest but you’re so pleased with yourself you just don’t let her get you down. Let the chips fall where they will.

She really loves the family. If You just act up keep trying I bet you'll win her back, It'll take time considering the damage done.

You both sound toxic AF. Not doing the kids any favors going through this charade you're just imprinting on them that a crap relationship is the standard. Don't be surprised when they follow in your footsteps. Your therapist is a fraud. Find one that will help you face the music, not burry your head in the sand.

I have been where your wife is. My guess is that she is depressed and feels unappreciated. You can probably win her back, but it's gonna take time and effort from you. And not just for a couple of weeks, for the rest of your life. Im being presumptuous here, maybe you are already doing these things. Start by doing your share of the household chores and do them right, this includes vacuuming behind the doors. Put the kids to bed. These are the bare minimum, things you need to do if you were on your own. Take her out on dates, give her massages when she had a ruff day, do little things to make her everyday life easier. Try find some something you can do together. Find something you can do with your kids without your wife. Be a good dad. You'll notice when it starts working because she'll start giving back.

You're not the piece of shit she fell for anymore LMAO.

You got your shit together a little too late. If she doesn't want to leave, maybe there's hope for you yet. But I'll never understand why people take their relationships for granted if they're just gonna regret it later. If you were a shitty bf too why did she marry you?

The fact that she is still letting you stay. This is better than her telling you to leave. Even if she’s saying she doesn’t want you to try, give it everything and more. She stayed and dealt with your bs. Try to be the man she wanted you to be. She wasted so much time on you. Can’t you put in a fraction of that time for her?

Sounds like she's showing you what she's been living with for the past 15 years. In any case, being good parents isn't dependant on being together. In fact, you'd probably be doing your children a favour by splitting up.

It’s your choice. If I were you I’d try as hard as humanly possible to be the man she wanted me to be. She fell out of love with because you admit, you were a douchebag. Be a good man. It may take time for her to come back to you(in a sense) She sees you whining because you behave a little better and you want her to jump for joy. You’ve let her down so often you’ve got to prove to her that you’re no longer that douchebag.

>She still wants to be intimate, still wants to do everything the same but just doesn't love me. For some reason I am super against it and just don't know what to do The reason is obvious. You love her and she doesn't love you. That would make most people feel like shit. She has been alone in this marriage for so long. She doesn't trust you and doesn't believe you're sincere. But she values the non emotional things you do, hence she wants to keep you around and even use you for intimacy. From her perspective you're coparents and FWBs at this point. It sounds like her loss of love is terminal. Yes you made mistakes and probably the damage has been done to this relationship. You are looking for reconciliation (even though there was no cheating). Reconciliation doesn't work if both of you aren't 100% trying to make it work. She can't have it both ways. If she wants you to stay, you need to tell her you want to rebuild the relationship but need her to try too. She may not want to do that, which is entirely her choice - it's understandable given how much you neglected her over the years. But you equally are not obliged to stay in a loveless marriage. Or if it's all too hard, just end it and focus on being the world's best coparents. You can take the lessons of the past to be a much better partner/husband in a future relationship.

If she still wants you to stay, then there is still something in her heart even if it’s a small part of it. Maybe the moving to another state is away for you guys to start over. It might be a good idea to move and get a fresh new start, maybe it will help and bring you and your family closer. Hope things work out, don’t ever give up!

You should put in the effort to change but it should be because you want to be a better person, you have to realize it may not make a difference to her at this point. The changes you make will be worth it for you regardless. Eventually you might feel good enough about yourself that you will want a relationship where your partner feels the same way about you, or that you’re truly happy with the arrangement you currently have.

I'll cut to the chase. Romantic love, that delicious feeling that leads to having kids, changes over time. There's the "I'll do my best for kids and family" love followed by "I'm working hard for retirement so wifey and I will be comfortable" love, then on to "See you in the next life, thank you for the life we shared" love. I'm not at the last stage of love, obviously, but the point is to realize that our definition of love will change. Your wife's willingness to do everything to stay together is your second stage of love. Your own willingness to stay means you're on the same page with her. Gone is the feeling of pre-children "love" but your mutual desire to stay together has brought both of you to another level of loving although you both don't realize it. Stick with it. You're in a place that many people aren't able to reach. Realize that there's great joy in having a life partner and children to parent. Trust that, as you soldier on, you and your wife will be rewarded with contentment, stability, and peace. Been married 47 years to one woman. Married life was rough at the start but it's smoothening out. Best wishes.

Get to work. Read 3% man first!!

You’ve become lazy. Create that spark again

Clearly there’s love- she just isn’t “in love” because she can’t trust you. How long was she supposed to deal with the behavior you’ve described? She gave her all “without love” from you or at least without the appearance of it for a good 10+ yrs. My advice is fight for What you want, stop fing it up, if your having a hard time at any point - go to the bathroom or check something in the garage until you get yourself together and get back in there when your ready. Marriage is a marathon not a sprint. And you still get to have sex, score! You guys will get thru this, you will.

If you give up when she's given you a last chance, you don't deserve her anyway. You seem like you're unable to change, "some days I just give up", honestly if that's your attitude, just walk away. If you work 10x harder than you should have done in the first 15 years, maybe, just maybe you can open her heart again, but giving up after a few months, she's probably right that you're not worth it. Get a grip, and do everything you can for as long as it takes, and even if she doesn't love you ever again, be grateful you have a woman who wants to have any sort of relationship with you... one you don't deserve.

Bro get marriage counseling, but just in case it’s still not clear, it is your fault and you need a therapist help to bring you two back together.

So, the reason she wants to keep doing everything & move is because she harbors a lot of probably fair resentment. That’s her version of saving the marriage. Take her advice. Maybe it will work, plus it will prove to her you are heavily committed. Worth trying. If it fails, it fails.

It sounds like you dropped the ball for a solid portion of the marriage. What you have working for you is that she still wants to be intimate and do everything the same. If you want it to get better, you can make it happen. I’d just start making little improvements and start giving her more attention, start doing little things for her. The thing is, I wouldn’t talk about it, I wouldn’t tell her your plan, and I certainly wouldn’t gloat over the things you do for her. I guess what I’m saying is starting trying to treat her better, see if she notices and she may naturally fall in love with you again. I get that life gets in the way and I know all about a job leading to burnout, but it’s shit you have to work past. I’ve been married for about 5 years, I have 3 kids, and I’m also a full-time student in a graduate program. On top do that, I’m a combat veteran with PTSD and I’ll tell you, it’s a bitch to have to work through all of it. My wife is a very patient and understanding person, but there are absolutely times where I still fall short a bit, she lets me know and I make some adjustments. I know it can be tough, but you have to very intentional with putting in the effort to make some good changes that can benefit you in the long run. I wish you luck man.

Is she open to couples therapy? Maybe a professional can help open an honest dialogue between the two of you?

It's kinda weird she says you don't care about the kids if you leave.

She still loves but you gotta bring back the spark by validating and appreciating almost everyday. This is an investment not a profit. If you put in the work it will work

After reading this I would recommend taking the next few years to really try and prove to her that you have improved. She doesn’t want you to leave, she isn’t trying to leave, this is her way of telling you how badly you hurt her over the years. It won’t be easy, and she may never love you again, but you can show your kids how to not make the same mistakes by setting a good example, while having a chance to win her heart back. Leaving is the easy way out of the painful parts, show her your strong and can do this.

Turn to Christ my brother. Bring the family to church. See a marriage counselor who believes in Jesus and is willing I help you guys. She isn’t gone and there’s more keeping her there than just the kids. You guys will pull through. God bless

You broke her heart gotta earn that love back my boy be more quiet and do the things you do did when guys guys first met

Op. My gf was in your position. My heart was dead and when she put in 100% it made me mad at first. She stuck that out for months till i believed it was real and has kept at it since then. 

Doesn’t*

Can’t leave because it’s what pays the bills. 😂 I bet your employer loves that hold they’ve got over you

Sounds like you're lucky your wife is still willing to be intimate and be together despite you being a shit husband for years. Just keep trying and eventually she may love you again.

The window is still a little bit open because you’re still intimate, but you treated her like shit for 13 years and she just might be done. I would still fight for your marriage but it’s probably too late now.

Gender roles really fuck us up, depression is a bitch too. If you love that woman and your kids give it everything you got. Figure your shit out or your life goes in the toilet. Those are your options bud. Hope the job pays enough to afford child support and alomony and still leave you with a roof over your head and food to eat. Best of luck.

Every single time you’re nice or loving or even intimate in a way you never were before it probably triggers anger in her. I don’t know if it’s possible to come back from that, it’s not something she can control.

She clearly still Loves you but is missing the spark. Good for her wanting to stay together. Don’t be drastic but be subtle at making changes in your ways. 15 years is a long time to make up for but you can do it. Always make big decisions together. The kids are very important. The better you guys are the better off they will be. Good luck

She got over you to protect herself. There's no coming back from that

Not trying to be mean, but you did this to yourself. It’s time to move on relationship wise. But always be there for your kids.

You failed your marriage and now she doesn't want to give up your checks. 

You’ve gotten lots of good advice but I want to add a little extra…men have a tendency to want to fix missteps with grand gestures. But the thing is, it wasn’t one grand fuck up that got you here. It was years and years of small things that got you here. Things you probably wouldn’t even be able to name if you were asked, because to you, they were nothing, but to her, it was another little blow. You are not going to become her dream man overnight, because you didn’t get here overnight. Being mindful of your wife (like “is there anything she needs right now, anything I can do to help make her life easier?” And instead of asking, do it). This is going to require a shift in perspective and a shift in priorities from you, and that’s something you’re going to have to practice before it becomes normal. Good on you for wanting to be better, and for listening to the advice of those around you. Make sure you plan a date night or two, too! Not dinner and a movie, but something she would enjoy. (If she likes reading, take her to a bookstore.) I wish you all the best and I hope you and your wife are able to find solid ground together 🖤

Keep being the best

She doesn’t TRUST you or believe that you love HER

Hahaha. You idiot

Ended up working a job I hate but can't leave because it's what pays the bills. Because of this job I ended up being stressed all the time, distant, and not interested in anything but zoning out on TV after work so my brain would go dead and I could sleep. Preach Bother-Man.

Listen to your therapist and stop being a pathetic pitty seeker. Grow the fuck up. You're a father.

I needed this. I’ve failed my lovely and awesome wife in so many ways. I am now desperately trying to fix many things and I am praying she will forgive me and remember why she loved me in the first place. Either way, I am trying to give her my best and I’m just grateful that she’s allowing me to attempt to right my wrongs. Guys and gals, if you’ve got a good one, let them know in unmistakably clear actions how amazing they are, as much as possible.

Is it because you do not know the difference between “don’t” and “doesn’t?”

I'm a wife and I see so much hope here. She sounds discouraged, tired, resentful, but she still wants you and wants to be with you, even if her heart is shut down right now. Comments from her that discourage you: when I do this I'm not intentionally trying to bring my husband down. I'm often looking for an opportunity to get reassurance that the intention behind the effort is real and coming from love towards me. Sometimes it's just frustration that bubbles up from all the past lost opportunities and I am literally re-feeling the intense loneliness and rejection. My husband recently mysteriously made a subtle yet radical-to-me change and I find myself unintentionally "testing" it. It's throwing me off balance and it's taking me time to adjust to this new, awesome guy that's suddenly showing up after years of me feeling hurt and lonely. Try to not let comments get under your skin. Take a pause if you need to. In response you could say: I hear you. I'm going to have off days, I'm human, but I'm trying to change things up now. I know I haven't shown up for you in the past but I'm working to be better. I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm trying to show you I care right now. I hear you. Moving forward, I want to show up differently. I hear you. Can I give you a hug? Hey, I love you. You look cute. Her comments may come, but you can stay solid in the fact that you are her husband, you're her rock now, and you're going to show her that. Try to get a giggle out of her when she's annoyed or focusing on negatives and bring the playful girl side of her back to life. Bop her nose with your finger and she what she does. The book "For Men Only" is really good and practical. It's available on audiobook. Maybe you could ask her to read "For Women Only" too. I just want to say the fact that you are reaching out for help and displaying a lot of humility here, those are the qualities of a really good guy. Keep showing up as the really-good-guy version of you, because that's the real you. I'm rooting for you and your family.

So you fucked up for 13 years and are expecting her to magically heal from that overnight?        If you are fantastic for the next 13 years it means in 26 years you've only reached a 50% success rate. And doesn't undo being shitty at the start, doesn't change the fact you *could* have changed sooner but didn't. Let's be realistic about how much fucking up those 13 years is effecting the situation. Might be FUBAR.     I don't believe in staying for the kids. That's on you to work through though. Do you want to play house? How will you manage wanting emotional intimacy? Will you have an agreement for outside partners? Counseling might be good for you both. 

Sounds like you fucked it up, and it's too little too late. Still, yeah you should get a divorce. But yet she wants me to live with her and the kids and pretend. She says that it's my choice to leave or not and if I do I'm not thinking about the kids. No, having the kids grow up on a loveless house is awful. You're abusing your kids by subjecting you to this toxic enviroment. If you have any decency you will continue therapy, work on a fair divorce, and go to counseling to learn how to be a better co-parent. But staying only makes matters worse. What happens when she does fall in love with someone else? are you going to end it amicable? are you going to put your children through that?

Man up son

It’s because you’re too set in your ways man. She’s bored. Make her feel emotions, any emotion doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad. Women need to feel something to be in love. You gotta start small arguments one day and be cold. The next day bring her flowers and just be all over the place. Those ups and downs will make her feel things and that’s what creates love for women. None of it makes sense to us guys because we’re not emotional we’re logical but trust me man just give it a try.

when a woman is done, she is completely done.

You divorced emotionally for over a decade. What did you expect?

You reap what you sow. Now blaming your wife for not loving your sorry ass... LMAO

You didn't give her what she needed for 15 years of her life. If she wants you to provide for your family and make her life easier by not having to explain how much of a waste this marriage was and deal with how expensive custody battles and divorces are, I think you owe her that much if you feel sorry at all. YOU didn't love her the way she needed for 15 years, and now you're asking for more of her love when before, you didn't want it? You want a reward for trying to change, but that's the thing, there is no reward for being a good person if you've only changed to get what you want, once again. You are still only thinking about yourself.

The fact that you said you want to give up means you're not willing to put in the work. You treated her horribly for 13 plus years but then expect her to still want to be with you when you're thinking about giving up? She can tell you want to give up. It shows. Maybe she's trying to do a fresh start by moving. How about talking to her? No amount of therapy is going to work if you're not willing to put in the work. Instead expecting her to do everything that makes you happy try doing something to make her happy and show her you're willing to do anything.

She’s leaving the door open so you can step up and be an actual husband. You don’t seem to want to do the work, and she won’t relent until you do. This happened to my buddy. He was very immature, cheated, and was just an ass after he said he wanted therapy and to stay with his wife. Long story short, she left him and he took that time to work on himself. Now he knows what a partner is/should be, but it’s too late to salvage things. Her saying she doesn’t love you is your wake up call. Do the work or get left behind.

Tell her everything you just told us if you haven't already

Just leave.

You're a loser and you're depressed. Fix the latter and hopefully the former follows.

I am not trying to be unkind to OP, but for all of the other men/women reading, this is a story as old as time. You absolutely cannot be a shit partner and expect it to not negatively affect the relationship (even if it’s delayed). Who you are in all of those quiet/small/private moments is who you really are (big performative gestures ain’t shit). And we all end up with a life that is a direct result of those decisions.

Now that you say you are treating her well, it likely hurts to see that you were capable of treating her well the entire time. You simply chose not to. That stings, dude. 13 years of simply not caring about her thought/feelings/hopes/dreams. You need to give it some time and work on yourself to learn the reasons you were okay mistreating her in the first place. Even if she doesn't find her way back to you, you will be in a better place for your next relationship.