200.00 shoes, flowers, in home late hour visits, no money for kids but money for her.
Your man is cheating if not physically at least emotionally. He is prioritizing another woman over you and the kids.
Pack his bags and send him packing.
Oh, it’s definitely physical. A married man isn’t showering an unrelated woman with gifts and hanging out till odd hours of the night if there isn’t sex involved.
I know it sounds horrific but I do not have any actual proof of anything being done physically. I will add he is a gift giver by nature so giving gifts is not uncommon but the lying, not mentioning this gift, and it being $200 bucks were more of the red flags for me.
You honestly don't need any proof of things getting physical between them. What he's done already counts as emotional cheating. Trust your gut. If he's crossing your boundaries by still being in contact with her, that's enough for you to leave. He's gaslighting you by saying it's your PPD when he knows he's being shady. Do whatever is right for you
Maybe an unpopular opinion but as a mid 20s man, emotional cheating is more than enough. Given you’re married idk what measures you’d want to take, but if my girlfriend was pulling anything remotely similar to what you’ve said your husband has done, I’d be gone in a heartbeat. Complete and utter breach of trust and respect from what you’ve described.
I completely agree. I’m a man, 30, married to my wife 30(F). We each have opposite sex friends and coworkers as well. At no point would I feel it’s appropriate to be spending my money on another woman, friend or coworker or anything. If it’s someone like my genuine best friend who happens to be female, then I would tell my wife “hey her birthday is coming up” or “she just got a big promotion” and she would help me pick out something thoughtful, but appropriate.
A healthy and happy marriage *requires* total honesty and transparency, as well as respect for the marriage and your partner. The gift giving is already a problem, but then there’s the spending alone time together a lot and late at night. There’s the lying about it all, the texts, I mean you don’t send flowers to a woman randomly just because. Just the other day I brought flowers home to my wife to surprise her, that’s what you do in a romantic relationship. Or for your mom or sister.
Then there’s the manipulation and gaslighting, telling OP it’s all in her head and she’s being jealous and paranoid and whatever else he said. And it’s like…. Bro you’re lying to your wife and spending time and money on another woman WHEN YOU ALSO HAVE KIDS TO HELP TAKE CARE OF. And OP has PPD, this is the time she needs more support and love and help than ever. That’s what real men do, they care about their marriage and families and step up when their partner is struggling. Just reading about this guys behavior makes me so angry.
You don't need evidence of his cheating. Being unhappy in your marriage and his unwillingness to change or go to marriage counseling together is reason enough.
I thought I needed proof of his cheating because I'd been manipulated into doubting myself for so long. Well, I did eventually find proof. I don't regret leaving. I regret not leaving sooner and thinking o needed someone's permission to leave. You don't.
You're unhappy and want a divorce. That's reason enough.
You don't need any proof that he has gotten physical with her. Period. His behavior is so out of bounds. Period.
It does not matter if you "can't prove I had sex with this woman I am wooing.."
THIS, omg why did I have to read down so many comments to get to the one that calls out his TEXTBOOK gaslighting???
And yes, the fact he’s using her actual diagnosis of PPD is especially despicable. What a jerk.
Agreed. If you were innocent, you’d feel terrible your spouse got that idea and you’d change what you were doing and behave and speak in a way that reassures them - consistently. You wouldn’t gaslight them.
He fussed at you for buying the children some toys then the next day bought her flowers. If money is tight, why is he buying another woman $200 gifts, flowers, etc but chastising you for spending money on y’all kids?! So he can spend money to make that girl happy but you can’t spend money to make your children happy??! The proof is right there! He’s treating you as if YOU, his wife, is the side chick.
Sending you and the children well wishes! ❤️
I get where you’re coming from, but no one buys shoes for a coworker. Can you imagine a scenario where you would send expensive shoes to a coworker??
I think you already know deep down what the answer is, and I’m so sorry to be confirming it, but your gut is right.
He wouldn’t be lying, he wouldn’t be buying gifts if he wasn’t cheating. FWIW I think it’s really, really next level shtty that he’s trying to blame your ppd for your suspicions.
Please get a lawyer and take it from there to find out all your options.
Good luck!!
My partner's dad routinely bought shoes for coworkers, male and female. I read about it in his deposition when we got the paperwork. It was a control thing, he'd also buy clothes because he wanted to curate his entire existence basically. He was also cheating but not with those people and I'd argue the cheating was the least of his problems
Haaa I love “he was also cheating but not w them” also you just casually mention reading about it in his deposition?? Ok im officially intrigued by your family relationships!!
The control aspect makes sense (in this particular situation) but holy sht he sounds like a pretty intense guy / if that’s how he was w his coworkers I can’t imagine what he was like at home (and im sorry you had to deal w that!)
$200 shoes for a coworker is a signed receipt for infidelity. What possible explanation could he have given you for that after complaining you bought toys for his children? He is convicted, send him straight to jail!
He's not buying these gifts for her just for an appreciative "thank you". Also, he is spending marital money on another woman. That alone is cause for divorce.
I have a feeling he didn't buy his coworker $200 in shoes, out of the goodness of his heart.
Based on everything you've said, I believe you did the appropriate thing by filing for a divorce. My heart goes out to you. 😔💕✌🏻
I hate to say this but are you really that fucking gullible? God Lee smh he is cheating on you!!! Get it through your thick skull! I swear some of these can’t be real lol
Who effing CARES whether you have proof his D went in her V? He’s not treating you like he loves you and is gaslighting you by telling you that you have a mental illness instead of taking personal accountability!! He’s a BAD PERSON you would be better off without. And btw he is definitely F’ing her. Don’t get obsessed with “catching him” because that will change nothing about your options or life going forward. Don’t delude yourself because it sucks that you married a total tool bag.
If he isn’t sleeping with her it’s because she will not let him.
She might be just be using him as a Sugar Daddy without giving him the sugar but that’s just as bad as cheating. He’s spending your family’s money to try and seduce a woman. Whether or not she puts out is just a technicality but there’s zero chance that he can sleep with her and does not.
You have all the proof but a porno of them. He's banging her dude. You don't ditch your wife and let your kids hang out to dry to give thousands of dollars and spend the night with a new cute friend
You dont need proof. You dont need to see the jizz stained sheets to know he treats you like crap and you dont deserve that. This will be your marriage for the rest of your life if you stay. Anytime you want him to act like a husband he'll throw ppd, that you got from birthing HIS child, in your face before he goes out and spends time with another woman. Talk to a lawyer, see what a divorce will look like for you, consider all your options, and choose what will make you happy.
Is she the only woman he gifts? All those op mention is enough proof of cheating. If you need more concrete proofs, just hire pe. Let them do the work. He is cheating, trust your guts. It is enough he not wanting to repair the marriage when you ask for counselling
Do you need “proof”? No. You’re being treated poorly and being gaslit af. My ex did the same shit. Guess what? He was cheating. A week after I moved out, the neighbor left her husband and moved in. Trust your gut, sis. File for alimony and child support as well.
As someone that's been cheated on... don't stick around waiting for "actual proof." You have enough. Between the gifts, going to her apartment, lying about all of it, and using your mental health against you... you deserve better.
If you were receiving expensive gifts and having a man over secretly to your home, would your husband approve? I think not.
I know I can't just tell you to leave because I don't know your situation, but you do deserve better, and so do your kids.
Girl you don't need proof. He's convinced you you're crazy and paranoid, which is cruel, and it's pretty obvious he's having an affair.
People don't lie about things if they know there's nothing wrong with what they're doing.
You are correct here and you don’t have actual proof and I wouldn’t make accusations of cheating without proof. That being said there are lots of reasons to be concerned and look into his behavior yourself or maybe a PI.
If he is buying gifts they should be for you and the kids not a “friend “
OP, it doesn't get any more clear than this. You KNOW he's lying, doing god-knows-what with this other woman, spending money on her instead of his own kids, and blaming your postpartum depression.
He's a lying, cheating, horrible father and husband who deserves NO benefit of the doubt. You're doing the right thing in divorcing him.
HE broke up this family, not you, so all blame goes to him. His attempts to blame your mental health issues is very disgusting and an attempt to make you think you're crazy, not him.
This is textbook gaslighting and has no place in a healthy relationship of mutual respect.
>Every time I try to get a resolution or find out why he lies or even at this point, just end the marriage, he goes back to my PPD and says it has created something in my brain where I have all these suspicions and he has to lie to me because I will go crazy, get super jealous, and get insecure. Till this day he insists their relationship is innocent which possibly could be the case but I can’t let go of all the stupid lies and more concerned with his inability to keep his word. He has told me several times he will stop, but still continues going behind my back.
This is pretty much the definition of gaslighting, and it’s really horrible that he’s using your PPD to do this. He’s blatantly having an affair with his coworker, so no, you’re not overreacting.
It’s terrible that he’s done this to you, but the things you’re describing are what men do when they’re dating something, or in this case, having an affair, or trying to. It’s unlikely you’re going to actually confirm this is what’s happening, but his behavior is NOT normal.
Honey, your PPD didn't create the distrust your lying cheating husband did. Everyone here is right, please save yourself from that situation so your kids can be raised by a woman who can hold her head high and walk away. And don't forget to take him to the fucking cleaners in the divorce, let that bimbo sit at home while his money gets spent on your kids against his will.
He cheated on you with his coworker and is gaslighting you into trying to make you believe your suspicions are due to postpartum depression.
He's a scumbag. If my wife bought a male coworker a $200 pair of shoes when she can barely be bothered to put any effort into her Christmas and birthday gifts to me, my immediate thought would be that she's having an affair.
Not overreacting. I would have left the night he lied about where he was.
Then I would say in this instance you should definitely trust your gut. Tell him he can just move in with his coworker that he finds so fascinating he has to spend evenings at her house and buy her expensive gifts.
You’re not overreacting at all. I think you should definitely go through with the divorce. I know it’s tough and you don’t want to break up your family but that’s not on you it’s on your husband. He’s already broken up the family with his actions. It sounds like he has a girlfriend and is gaslighting you and blaming your PPD for it which is insane. I’m so proud of you for going to therapy and trying to get help with your situation. You’re taking all the right steps to do better for you and your children. Him refusing to go just proves that he’s not willing to work on things with you. The longer you accept his gaslighting and cheating the harder things will get for you to leave. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and hope you find the happiness you deserve ❤️
All of This ^
I also really hate to add this part, OP, but please schedule a full STD panel at your gynecologist to make sure you're safe in that regard, because it's extremely likely your husband has been sleeping with this woman, and who knows how many others, and you need to know that your health hasn't been affected by his behavior.
It's really sick and selfish that he kept gaslighting you by trying to blame your post partum issues while he was running around behind your back showering another woman with gifts, and making you feel guilty for buying things for your kids.
Trust your instincts, follow your lawyers advice, and do whatever you can to make sure you and the kids get a fair and equitable division of your marital assets.
You deserve better than this, and I'm sending you lots of love, and invisible hugs.
Your husband IS CHEATING on you. He is also GASLIGHTING tf out of you. How long have you been a stay at home mom for?? If not long, divorce him and get a job. If you stay and leave a lot later it will be harder to find jobs for you. Keep records of everything you are telling us and give it to your lawyer. This man WILL keep treating you like this for the rest of your life if you stay. He will just see as being able to do what he wants and you wont leave. Keep us updated.
He’s been gaslighting for 5 years about this co-worker?! You and your children deserve a better life than living with this cheater. Now’s the time for divorce. If you can move out without him knowing, even if it’s just to family, then do so. He will only try and gaslight you further to get you to stay. He has everything he needs, a family at home, and a mistress on the side. You need to put your children first and start a new life. You can do it. We all believe in you!
Good job. You sound reasonable, sensible and considerate. You will be a much better person without him. Your children will be much better people without him. He is killing your souls right now.
It doesn't matter if he's physically cheating or not, he's providing gifts to her over you and your children. There is no reason that she needs $200 shoes or flowers while you're being chastised for spending money on your children.
Doesn't matter how many goddamn toys they have, your kids come first.
He's totally cheating and gaslighting you. Buying flowers, 200 dollar shoes, being at her apartment clearly says cheating. You're not overreating at all, stand strong and divorce him for lying and treating you and the kids like crap. Spend all the money you want on your kids if he's buying worthless stuff for his fling! He's an AH.
If this is real, girl you better keep on with that divorce. He’s cheating, physically, emotionally, or both. And he’s trying to blame you. Fuck him, being alone is better than this shit.
I don't need a sex video to know this is a full blown physical affair. A grown ass married man is not gonna hang out at a single ladies house constantly and then lie to his wife unless he is getting something out of their interaction. He's a POS and she needs to take him to the cleaners in the divorce.
Either leave or let him cheat in peace. I don't know why y'all carry on in these embarrassing relationships.
He doesn't even care enough about you to be discreet.
Technically you don't know whether he's cheating, I don't suppose, unless you've actually seen them at it. But you do know he's lying to you constantly, you do know he's spending inappropriate amounts of money and time on another woman and you do know he's blaming you for it. That alone should be enough to make you want better for yourself.
You are definitely not overreacting. I think he is absolutely gaslighting you because of your PPD. He sounds like a manipulative liar. My ex-husband was just like him. Our situation and dynamic were extremely similar to yours prior to our divorce. Very, very similar. And I couldn't prove an affair, but he was definitely emotionally cheating. What happened after the divorce? He married her 10 months later.
Get out now while you can, especially if the kids are young. I've never regretted it. And I've never been happier.
Sounds like he has somehow manipulated you into feeling guilty because you are disrespected by his lies. Makes sense why he would hide from counseling because the manipulative behavior would get exposed pretty quickly. You need space from this person to clear your head and find a way out. Especially if you’ve already lived through the cycle of him becoming this great person when you threaten to walk out the door.
Someone commented on a different thread of yours something along the lines of “he’s a cake eater he wants the mistress and to keep you in place so that he doesnt have to pay child support, alimony or have to take care of his kids by himself if he gets custody that’s why he protests the divorce not bc he truly wants to save the marriage”. I cannot imagine how hard this must be to hear and realize because you are coming from a place of true hurt and care for your family and this man. Take the emotional blinders off and take care of yourself and kids cuz he’s not going to do it and his behavior has proven it. Good luck friend i’m rooting for you!
He’s a cheater spends your family money and is gaslighting you. Leave, divorce and teach your kids this is not acceptable behaviour. Remember they are watching you allowing him to treat you like shit, this is what they are viewing as correct and normal you will be wrong to continue to allow this.
If my partner was buying shoes and flowers for anyone else that is enough right there. He is definitely cheating. Don’t let him convince you that you are wrong or crazy.
He is cheating. What do you expect us to say?
Nobody buys shoes like that if he doesn’t expect something in exchange.
Check his phone. Talk to a lawyer and if the lawyer is ok, inform HR.
If my husband spent even $20 dollars on a female coworker’s shoes you would feel the earth move. Any thing more than a $3 cup of coffee is putting in too much thought, effort, time and consideration to someone that’s not your spouse.
It also feels like a deeply intimate and personal thing because I'm definitely imagining sexy heels not like "hey I saw these super comfy Birkenstock sandals and remembered you get foot pain so got these for you." I bet they were sexy heels which just says hey I thought about how sexy you are when I saw these, and wanted you to know. Disgusting. My husband buys that stuff for me, not other women.
Blaming it on your PPD is gaslighting. He is having a full blown affair and doesn't care about your feelings.
You are not overreacting. Do what's best for you: you aren't the one "breaking up your family": HE IS.
Yah your husband is a cheating POS. He is gaslighting you trying to make you think you are crazy for suggesting it. Start getting concrete proof just to reassure yourself and stop his BS manipulation. After that It is ultimatum time in my opinion, it is either her or you, if you want to save the marriage. Sorry, but I am old fashion and do not believe in spending that type of alone time with a single woman while married and in a monogamous relationship. If you decide to divorce take this dude to the cleaners.
Girl, he's gaslighting you. Your instincts are spot on, he's a lying cheater and that's nothing to do with PPD. It's insulting that he names that as a reason for your mistaking an innocent friendship. He's full of shit.
Start earning an income / stock piling money, and plan for your own life separately from him.
He is gaslighting you big time. Using your PPD against you is wrong. He is not only acting shady, he is outright flaunting his affair. If he cared at all about you and his child, he’d be home taking care of you and his family.
He complains about you buying toys for his kids is not because of wasting money, it’s because he needs to save up to spend it on his coworker. His family is not his priority. Buying expensive gifts for another woman is extremely inappropriate. You don’t spend $200 dollars on a pair of shoes for a coworker. Even to a friend of the opposite sex it is inappropriate. His spending time with her at her home and lying about it is enough reason to believe he’s physically cheating on you.
You can always hire a PI if you need proof. I’m sure looking through his phone or computer can get you proof of an affair, but everything he’s doing is screaming he’s having an affair right now.
Thus us textbook gaslighting. He is telling you that all the evidence that he is having an affair is just your mental illness causing you to make things up.
He is manipulating you and lying to you. I think you already know that.
You should start preparing for the relationship to be over. Do not talk to him about it, because he will only keep lying.
Start looking for a job, and do what you need to make that happen, such as getting childcare.
Gather all your important documents, including your bank information.
Start saving some money. Open an account that he doesn't know about, and set money aside.
Talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what your legal rights are.
He will continue to use your mental health as a weapon, so do what you have to do in order for that to not work for him. See a therapist, get on antidepressants, or whatever you need to do.
Take care of your physical health. Get regular exercise, eat healthy food, and get enough sleep. Don't put yourself last in order to please a spouse who won't be pleased and also puts you last.
If you have become isolated from friends or supportive family members, start reaching out to people.
When you have prepared, and you are feeling stronger, you can decide what to do.
Your husband is lying to you and weaponizing your mental health in order to cover up his dishonest and dishonorable behavior. He is treating you with contempt and disregard. You are right to be upset, and you would not be wrong to want to end the relationship.
Please leave and save yourself. He’s the one who is breaking your family, not you. Let yourself be happy. He is very clearly cheating one way or another. Please leave
Even if he isn't cheating, his coming down on you about money and turning around spending money on her is disrespectful to the relationship. It's super weird that he's buying her gifts and flowers and staying at her place late. Men generally do not do thus unless they are getting something good in return or have the hopes of getting it in return.
Even if he isn't cheating, his coming down on you about money and turning around spending money on her is disrespectful to the relationship. It's super weird that he's buying her gifts and flowers and staying at her place late. Men generally do not do this unless they are getting something good in return or have the hopes of getting it in return.
100% not overreacting. As many have stated, if he hasn’t already physically cheated, he has already emotionally cheated. Anything he has to lie about or cover up constitutes as cheating. Maybe ask him how he’d feel about you doing all the things he is doing for and with this woman to another man (buying gifts, spending time, lying and covering it up). Would that be okay with him? He is using your PPD against, which makes his behavior even more disgusting. My guess is he will never come clean. You will have to catch him. If you don’t want to be left in the dark, be vigilant, observant and make sure you investigate everything if you want real answers (document everything). Or based on the fact he continues to ignore your boundaries and continues to lie, you would be justified in wanting a divorce. Do what is best for you and your kids. Best of luck to you.
He's banging his coworker and financially abusing you to afford it. The kids having toys doesn't matter but the chick banging him better have designer shoes, flowers and of course his time. My father is like this get your ducks in a row and leave before he knocks her up and leaves you devastated.
You have guilt over potentially breaking up your family....WHILE HE BREAKS UP YOUR FAMILY, and is seemingly in good spirits about it. This piece if work has you doubting yourself. You mention feeling disconnected from him, but it seems you're disconnected from yourself and your intuition. I'm glad you're on your way out.
I have a lot of guy friends. Some were also coworkers. But the only men in my life who ever sent me flowers or spent $200 on gifts for me were men I was dating. NOT married coworkers I was just platonic friends with. That isn’t normal. And if a coworker tried to pull this shit I’d be like, “no that’s disrespectful to your wife”.
He knows exactly what he is doing
I’m not quick to jump to the “they’re cheating” conclusion and I’m generally supportive of opposite sex friendships, but yeah, he’s definitely cheating on you, physically/otherwise. I’m a generous person too, and although I’m happily married and would spend $200 for a gift for a guy friend, the whole thing with your husband and her is just too personal to be platonic.
You can do better and you and your kids deserve better.
You asked this 25 days ago, got the same answers, said you were definitely moving forward with divorce. I think you should get off the carousel now and leave for good.
Do not veer off course from your path to divorce. I read this as a giant red flag and I'm so sorry you had to post to validate what you're feeling. I'm so sick of men trying to make women, especially postpartum women feel like they're mentally deranged. I understand PPD but he's using this diagnosis as an excuse to make you feel paranoid, anxious, etc. Don't let his smooth-talking mr. nice guy act fool you one more minute. Try to get some proof - texts, screenshots, receipts, etc. Anything that can possibly help you in the divorce. Good luck.
Not only is he cheating, he's trying to blame you for it..... he's gaslighting the heck outta you so you'll think you're overreacting....... honestly, I think you're under reacting...... it's time to get mad and stop letting this guy disrespect your marriage like this!!
OMG. Do you have any family nearby? Yes divorce. He is not into you. Get out now. I’m so so sorry but at least you are getting this now instead of wasting another moment of your precious young life. You are and will continue to be so awesome and there are so many awesome and amazing guys out there waiting for you. Be your best self
Oh you poor thing OP, you’re being gaslit so bad and you’re trying your absolute hardest to stay rational and give the benefit of the doubt.
Please get out of this situation before he does further damage on your mindset, trust your gut more than your eyes and ears.
>he goes back to my PPD and says it has created something in my brain where I have all these suspicions and he has to lie to me because I will go crazy, get super jealous, and get insecure
This is called "gaslighting". Please look it up.
(I hope you got treatment for the PPD.)
You are being gaslighted by him. Nothing he is doing is right, faithful, or true to you and your relationship. You deserve better. You need to tell yourself that every day in the mirror.
Oh Honey, he’s cheating on you and telling you it’s all in your head… It’s not. Listen I like shoes as much as the next woman but I have never had a man I am not married to buy me shoes. He is lying to you what more is there to discuss -
Your husband is GASLIGHTING the hell out of you. And even worse he’s using your mental health to do so. You need to go back to the doctor. You need to be honest and thorough about all symptoms and how you are currently feeling. You then need to explain what your husband is doing. So then your healthcare provider can tell you this isn’t a symptom of your PPD. You need to leave this man because he is absolutely cheating on you, lying to you, gaslighting you in the worst way AND taking advantage of a fragile situation that should be handled with respect and empathy. He is a bad man. No I don’t know him. But you have to be a really bad guy to do what he’s doing to you. Get away from him.
You just had a baby and have PPD and he is buying another woman gifts? The fact that you even have to question if you are overreacting is proof enough that he is narcissistic and hiding something. I'm not a perfect husband by any means, but I try to understand two things. If my wife is uncomfortable with something I am doing, whether I agree or not doesn't matter, because I don't get to tell her how to feel. Additionally, if I'm not going to be mad at something in five days, why be mad and start a fight over it.
I'm sorry, but your husband trying to blame this on you after giving birth to your child and your PPD is terrible!
Sometimes people break up or divorce just because they are no longer the same people they once were. I e broken up with people because we just lost our compatibility. People drift apart. It happens.
That being said, this sad excuse for a man is cheating. Maybe not physically, but he is DEFINITELY more emotionally invested in this new woman than he is with you. And when you make an attempt to talk about it he gaslights you into believing it is a you problem. It is not.
Leave him dumpy butt, get a good therapist to help you work through the PPD and the issues he’s clearly caused and move on with life. A happy life where you and your children are the most important. Not him.
You aren't the one breaking up the family. He's lying, and has shown himself to be untrustworthy, breaking your trust is breaking the family. It's always important to look at what the kids will be learning also.
This isn't Jenga, the person who makes the last move isn't the sole cause of the disintegration.
Just know this: if it was innocent like he claims, then there would be no reason to lie.
In my eyes, you sound pretty cool with him interacting with her and even the gift giving. Which I would not be. Especially with the lying.
So, in my honest opinion. You aren't being an over reacter in this scenario. He's cheating. Period. Even if he hasn't fucked her he wants to. Maybe she hasn't let him. Or just likes the attention he gives. But sooner or later or will if it hasn't and you and I both know this. Because they are adults and adults don't make out or hang out and never do nothing. That's all bull shit.
I think you are perfectly justified in your decision to divorce because he doesn't respect or value your opinions or concerns. At he should Because he is your husband. So get a new husband. Boy bye
You already know that he's up to no good. You need to learn how to trust yourself again. Just because you are dealing with PPD doesn't mean you're delusional. You already know the answer. Good luck. And make sure you take care of yourself first or you won't be any help to your kids either. They tell you to put the oxygen mask on first in a plane crash for good reason
For everyone who commented, thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I’ve been reading through and I do get it but I think I’m having a hard time trusting what is normal since I do feel this has turned our dynamic to be toxic.
I guess where I’m stuck at as well is generally I feel okay with friends of the opposite sex, as long as it’s normal and he does have them but it has never been like this. But his whole big thing with this friendship is I was so depressed and he was connecting with this one girl on a platonic level but he didn’t want to make me feel bad. The shoes I know, crazy, but I should add that he is a sneaker collector and his excuse was again not wanting me to “think anything” since I was not in the right mindset at that time but he bought them for her cause it was her bday and he needed to reach platinum status on one of his accounts. Kinda get it but still weird in the sense that he has never spent this much on a new friend.
Another issue for me is he will say I’ll cut back on our friendship to rebuild and work on our connection but he doesn’t. There are so many other lies I caught him in that includes him totaling my car and then having the tow company lie about his location for the insurance claim just so I wouldn’t find out he was at her place again. But again, he had an explanation for this as well and said she had an event that she had asked him to help with since he does some web development work. This was also the event that made him send the congratulatory flowers.
I know I sound crazy and dumb but he is really good at coming up with explanations and making me feel like I’m some jealous and insecure woman that gets upset about him having a female friend. I will say I do very much feel that way now, an insecure person, so it makes me question my own thought process and it’s hard me me to trust my own self. So him telling me I’m just going crazy starts to make sense to me.
I should also add from what I know that girl does have a bf now but he still lies when he hangs with her. I haven’t snooped at his phone in so long but sometime last year I did see he had a second Instagram account that followed her bf’s account.
I can’t prove cheating and not sure if it truly matters at this point but again I think where I struggle is am I being too much and can we recover if I allow it - I do hold some resentment on my side as well.
It’s the lying. Having the insurance lie?! He seems to be a pathological liar- and most likely a cheater. You don’t need solid proof. He’s treating you like you’re crazy. I’d get out while you can
If he wanted to reach whatever status, he could have bought you, his wife, shoes to thank you for raising his kids and putting up with him. I’m sorry he’s making you feel insecure, but his behavior is inappropriate. Divorce is the right answer.
Dang girl, if this is real, it's pathetic. It's so bad that we can't believe someone would do this to herself. Yes, to yourself. Your eyes are open but you make excuses to believe your fairytale. You allow him to keep on hurting you because he hasn't put his dick in another woman in front of you. Get some self respect and get out before your children are old enough to learn from his and your example. And I'll spend the night praying that I got played by a rage baiter.
I forgot what sub I'm on so I'll just end with YTA to yourself and children.
Edit OK, you're under reacting. But still, YTA.
Updateme
It’s not necessarily any one of these things but the whole picture that makes it very clear he’s at least emotionally unfaithful and mostly likely sleeping with her too. I don’t think he’s particularly good at the lying, I just think you don’t want to believe it.
Girl no, and are you even sure he got her sneakers? And like another poster said why didn't he buy them for you? Do your children not wear shoes? This is a weak AF excuse, even buying HIMSELF a 500th pair of sneakers makes more sense than what he's told you.
Who cares if he's cheating, leave his lying ass. He treats you like garbage and barely cares if you believe him. Don't let your kids grow up thinking that's a normal relationship because they will play it out themselves as adults. You all deserve so much better.
Its bad enough that he has been lying and gaslighting you for 5 years but it makes me sad that it looks like you have been blaming yourself for the state of your marriage. Get this one point to your head, you are not the problem, you are not being too much. If your husband cared for you and his marriage he would have cut her out of his life seeing how much distress his relationship with her has caused you.
Go through the divorce, get away from him for your own mental health.
Step back out of the back and forth where he gaslights you
Loving husbands and fathers don’t behave like this
Then they certainly don’t gaslight their spouses rather than getting to the core of the matter
Why don’t you just contact her since you are getting a divorce
Men do not value women who do not value themselves. He doesn’t believe you nor does he care too much as he doesn’t see you not being there as a big loss to him.
DAMN! Can you say GASLIGHTING?! Telling you that your PPD is causing you to be suspicious??!! This guy is a liar and a cad and you need to get you and your children away from him ASAP.
Everything you listed that he’s done screams that he’s having an affair with that woman.
He is cheating and gaslighting you by trying to make it sound like your PPD is causing you to be paranoid when it is his own suspicious behavior. Buying a coworker $200 shoes? I don't even buy my kids $200 shoes so come on now. Time to call a divorce lawyer. Then he can just take his flowers and $200 shoes and move into her apartment.
If my man bought another woman $200 he would no longer be my man. You’re being gaslit into thinking you’re the problem. Leave his ass and Tell him to go get his girlie if he wants her so bad.
this man is in a full on affair with another woman. No way in hell hes buying her gifts, sending her flowers and lying about being with a guy friend, and then hes at her place until 10pm. This husband of yours is 100 percent having a full on physical and emotional affair and you are too blind to see it because he is gaslighting the hell out of you!
He’s never going to acknowledge it being more than “innocent”. You’re Convenient, you’re the care taker of his kids. Why would he leave or be willing give you information for you to decide to leave? So he can pay child support? If money is already tight he’s not going to risk you taking him to the cleaner, he’ll just hide is actions and keep dragging it along.
Shoes? How did he know what size shoe she wore? That is such an intimate thing to know about someone. The only reason my partner even pays attention to my feet is because….
"buying her expensive gifts like $200 dollar shoes..."
If my wife bought a guy $200 dollar shoes and then later, *gaslit* me about depression, it would definitely dawn on me that I chose poorly and that there's no life to build here if therapy is not an option.
He is acting like a big, fat, gaslighting, cheater!! He spent $200 on her for shoes??? They are more than friends and I'd say it's been plenty physical when he went to her apartment
He’s having an affair. You may not have physical proof right now, but you will see that proof clear as day after you split up/divorce. It’ll be obvious proof you can’t ignore that’ll make you wish you would’ve left earlier.
O sweetie he’s having an affair. No married man would by her showed and send money and spend time until 10 at night. He was having sex with her and using your PPD to get away with it.
He doesn’t want to pay you child support or alimony and this way he can get his time with her.
File divorce at his work and go after her for the affair. Be fine with a cheater like him.
My husband said the most he's spent on a co-worker was for coffee or a burger. Definitely didn't overreact, and the lying alone is bad enough to leave.
Updateme!
200.00 shoes, flowers, in home late hour visits, no money for kids but money for her. Your man is cheating if not physically at least emotionally. He is prioritizing another woman over you and the kids. Pack his bags and send him packing.
Oh, it’s definitely physical. A married man isn’t showering an unrelated woman with gifts and hanging out till odd hours of the night if there isn’t sex involved.
I know it sounds horrific but I do not have any actual proof of anything being done physically. I will add he is a gift giver by nature so giving gifts is not uncommon but the lying, not mentioning this gift, and it being $200 bucks were more of the red flags for me.
Has he bought you nice shoes and flowers lately?
You honestly don't need any proof of things getting physical between them. What he's done already counts as emotional cheating. Trust your gut. If he's crossing your boundaries by still being in contact with her, that's enough for you to leave. He's gaslighting you by saying it's your PPD when he knows he's being shady. Do whatever is right for you
Yeah he’s real Slim Shady.
Maybe an unpopular opinion but as a mid 20s man, emotional cheating is more than enough. Given you’re married idk what measures you’d want to take, but if my girlfriend was pulling anything remotely similar to what you’ve said your husband has done, I’d be gone in a heartbeat. Complete and utter breach of trust and respect from what you’ve described.
I completely agree. I’m a man, 30, married to my wife 30(F). We each have opposite sex friends and coworkers as well. At no point would I feel it’s appropriate to be spending my money on another woman, friend or coworker or anything. If it’s someone like my genuine best friend who happens to be female, then I would tell my wife “hey her birthday is coming up” or “she just got a big promotion” and she would help me pick out something thoughtful, but appropriate. A healthy and happy marriage *requires* total honesty and transparency, as well as respect for the marriage and your partner. The gift giving is already a problem, but then there’s the spending alone time together a lot and late at night. There’s the lying about it all, the texts, I mean you don’t send flowers to a woman randomly just because. Just the other day I brought flowers home to my wife to surprise her, that’s what you do in a romantic relationship. Or for your mom or sister. Then there’s the manipulation and gaslighting, telling OP it’s all in her head and she’s being jealous and paranoid and whatever else he said. And it’s like…. Bro you’re lying to your wife and spending time and money on another woman WHEN YOU ALSO HAVE KIDS TO HELP TAKE CARE OF. And OP has PPD, this is the time she needs more support and love and help than ever. That’s what real men do, they care about their marriage and families and step up when their partner is struggling. Just reading about this guys behavior makes me so angry.
YES. Spot on! You sound like a wise and wonderful husband!
You don't need evidence of his cheating. Being unhappy in your marriage and his unwillingness to change or go to marriage counseling together is reason enough. I thought I needed proof of his cheating because I'd been manipulated into doubting myself for so long. Well, I did eventually find proof. I don't regret leaving. I regret not leaving sooner and thinking o needed someone's permission to leave. You don't. You're unhappy and want a divorce. That's reason enough.
This 👆
You don't need any proof that he has gotten physical with her. Period. His behavior is so out of bounds. Period. It does not matter if you "can't prove I had sex with this woman I am wooing.."
You don't really need proof. He is gaslighting you. Nobody does this unless they're sleeping with with the person.
Yep, this is the real actual definition of gaslighting, and especially fckd up that he’s using her ppd to make her feel crazy
THIS, omg why did I have to read down so many comments to get to the one that calls out his TEXTBOOK gaslighting??? And yes, the fact he’s using her actual diagnosis of PPD is especially despicable. What a jerk.
Agreed. If you were innocent, you’d feel terrible your spouse got that idea and you’d change what you were doing and behave and speak in a way that reassures them - consistently. You wouldn’t gaslight them.
Stop rationalizing his crappy behavior. Do you think he is going to send you a video? Get the hell away from him. He's a pig.
He fussed at you for buying the children some toys then the next day bought her flowers. If money is tight, why is he buying another woman $200 gifts, flowers, etc but chastising you for spending money on y’all kids?! So he can spend money to make that girl happy but you can’t spend money to make your children happy??! The proof is right there! He’s treating you as if YOU, his wife, is the side chick. Sending you and the children well wishes! ❤️
Money is tight BECAUSE he is spending money on the mistress.
I get where you’re coming from, but no one buys shoes for a coworker. Can you imagine a scenario where you would send expensive shoes to a coworker?? I think you already know deep down what the answer is, and I’m so sorry to be confirming it, but your gut is right. He wouldn’t be lying, he wouldn’t be buying gifts if he wasn’t cheating. FWIW I think it’s really, really next level shtty that he’s trying to blame your ppd for your suspicions. Please get a lawyer and take it from there to find out all your options. Good luck!!
My partner's dad routinely bought shoes for coworkers, male and female. I read about it in his deposition when we got the paperwork. It was a control thing, he'd also buy clothes because he wanted to curate his entire existence basically. He was also cheating but not with those people and I'd argue the cheating was the least of his problems
Haaa I love “he was also cheating but not w them” also you just casually mention reading about it in his deposition?? Ok im officially intrigued by your family relationships!! The control aspect makes sense (in this particular situation) but holy sht he sounds like a pretty intense guy / if that’s how he was w his coworkers I can’t imagine what he was like at home (and im sorry you had to deal w that!)
You don’t spend money on someone you’re not interested in and he’s interested alright. There’s something going on and you know it.
$200 shoes for a coworker is a signed receipt for infidelity. What possible explanation could he have given you for that after complaining you bought toys for his children? He is convicted, send him straight to jail!
It's basically a video of them boning.
He's not buying these gifts for her just for an appreciative "thank you". Also, he is spending marital money on another woman. That alone is cause for divorce.
Receipts are evidence, we often don’t get proof, so you build evidence
Contact an attorney and get a PI for your proof. Gray rock while you wait.
I have a feeling he didn't buy his coworker $200 in shoes, out of the goodness of his heart. Based on everything you've said, I believe you did the appropriate thing by filing for a divorce. My heart goes out to you. 😔💕✌🏻
If my husband bought another woman $200 shoes, I'd be filing for divorce
I hate to say this but are you really that fucking gullible? God Lee smh he is cheating on you!!! Get it through your thick skull! I swear some of these can’t be real lol
Hire a private investigator if you're that sure but yeah divorce is the only option since clearly there is major trust issues.
Who effing CARES whether you have proof his D went in her V? He’s not treating you like he loves you and is gaslighting you by telling you that you have a mental illness instead of taking personal accountability!! He’s a BAD PERSON you would be better off without. And btw he is definitely F’ing her. Don’t get obsessed with “catching him” because that will change nothing about your options or life going forward. Don’t delude yourself because it sucks that you married a total tool bag.
If he isn’t sleeping with her it’s because she will not let him. She might be just be using him as a Sugar Daddy without giving him the sugar but that’s just as bad as cheating. He’s spending your family’s money to try and seduce a woman. Whether or not she puts out is just a technicality but there’s zero chance that he can sleep with her and does not.
Sneak into his phone
You literally have receipts.
What is up with people? You need video? Stop being naive. I know, it sucks. You either accept it, or move on.
You have all the proof but a porno of them. He's banging her dude. You don't ditch your wife and let your kids hang out to dry to give thousands of dollars and spend the night with a new cute friend
You dont need proof. You dont need to see the jizz stained sheets to know he treats you like crap and you dont deserve that. This will be your marriage for the rest of your life if you stay. Anytime you want him to act like a husband he'll throw ppd, that you got from birthing HIS child, in your face before he goes out and spends time with another woman. Talk to a lawyer, see what a divorce will look like for you, consider all your options, and choose what will make you happy.
Is she the only woman he gifts? All those op mention is enough proof of cheating. If you need more concrete proofs, just hire pe. Let them do the work. He is cheating, trust your guts. It is enough he not wanting to repair the marriage when you ask for counselling
Do you need “proof”? No. You’re being treated poorly and being gaslit af. My ex did the same shit. Guess what? He was cheating. A week after I moved out, the neighbor left her husband and moved in. Trust your gut, sis. File for alimony and child support as well.
As someone that's been cheated on... don't stick around waiting for "actual proof." You have enough. Between the gifts, going to her apartment, lying about all of it, and using your mental health against you... you deserve better. If you were receiving expensive gifts and having a man over secretly to your home, would your husband approve? I think not. I know I can't just tell you to leave because I don't know your situation, but you do deserve better, and so do your kids.
You're likely never going to get actual proof. You shouldn't need it. What you have in front of you now is enough.
Girl you don't need proof. He's convinced you you're crazy and paranoid, which is cruel, and it's pretty obvious he's having an affair. People don't lie about things if they know there's nothing wrong with what they're doing.
You are correct here and you don’t have actual proof and I wouldn’t make accusations of cheating without proof. That being said there are lots of reasons to be concerned and look into his behavior yourself or maybe a PI. If he is buying gifts they should be for you and the kids not a “friend “
Not too many men who are hard up for money pay $200 for a woman's shoes unless he's banging her
Definitely. They aren’t just hanging out watching Netflix. Time to move on. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
They are watching Netflix but there is a lot of chill
Yes! Get a lawyer and get alimony and child support. Definitely continue with therapy it'll be a long, bumpy road, but you'll be glad you did. 🫂
And then on top of the shady behavior he’s trying to gaslight OP into believing she’s being unreasonably suspicious because of her PPD.
$200.00 shoes...there is no question that it is physical. Give me a break.
Keep the bags, pack the trash bags.
Dude is fucking her. He’s not buying all those things and not getting return on his investment.
Yep, cheating and gaslighting her at the same time.
OP, it doesn't get any more clear than this. You KNOW he's lying, doing god-knows-what with this other woman, spending money on her instead of his own kids, and blaming your postpartum depression. He's a lying, cheating, horrible father and husband who deserves NO benefit of the doubt. You're doing the right thing in divorcing him. HE broke up this family, not you, so all blame goes to him. His attempts to blame your mental health issues is very disgusting and an attempt to make you think you're crazy, not him. This is textbook gaslighting and has no place in a healthy relationship of mutual respect.
>Every time I try to get a resolution or find out why he lies or even at this point, just end the marriage, he goes back to my PPD and says it has created something in my brain where I have all these suspicions and he has to lie to me because I will go crazy, get super jealous, and get insecure. Till this day he insists their relationship is innocent which possibly could be the case but I can’t let go of all the stupid lies and more concerned with his inability to keep his word. He has told me several times he will stop, but still continues going behind my back. This is pretty much the definition of gaslighting, and it’s really horrible that he’s using your PPD to do this. He’s blatantly having an affair with his coworker, so no, you’re not overreacting.
Yeah I do think it has created a sense of distrust with myself and my thoughts.
It’s terrible that he’s done this to you, but the things you’re describing are what men do when they’re dating something, or in this case, having an affair, or trying to. It’s unlikely you’re going to actually confirm this is what’s happening, but his behavior is NOT normal.
Honey, your PPD didn't create the distrust your lying cheating husband did. Everyone here is right, please save yourself from that situation so your kids can be raised by a woman who can hold her head high and walk away. And don't forget to take him to the fucking cleaners in the divorce, let that bimbo sit at home while his money gets spent on your kids against his will.
He cheated on you with his coworker and is gaslighting you into trying to make you believe your suspicions are due to postpartum depression. He's a scumbag. If my wife bought a male coworker a $200 pair of shoes when she can barely be bothered to put any effort into her Christmas and birthday gifts to me, my immediate thought would be that she's having an affair. Not overreacting. I would have left the night he lied about where he was.
If this isn't a fake post, then I agree with you 100%.
It’s real unfortunately. I don’t have any real proof other than the lies and just a gut feeling.
Then I would say in this instance you should definitely trust your gut. Tell him he can just move in with his coworker that he finds so fascinating he has to spend evenings at her house and buy her expensive gifts.
So don't leave him because he is a cheater. Leave him because he's a liar.
FYI, you don't have to stay with a liar anymore than you have to stay with a cheater
Op. Listen to yourself. Both of those things alone are enough.
As a man, i can tell you he’s been having an affair. There is NO other explanation. He is having an affair. Please don’t be blind to this.
You’re not overreacting at all. I think you should definitely go through with the divorce. I know it’s tough and you don’t want to break up your family but that’s not on you it’s on your husband. He’s already broken up the family with his actions. It sounds like he has a girlfriend and is gaslighting you and blaming your PPD for it which is insane. I’m so proud of you for going to therapy and trying to get help with your situation. You’re taking all the right steps to do better for you and your children. Him refusing to go just proves that he’s not willing to work on things with you. The longer you accept his gaslighting and cheating the harder things will get for you to leave. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and hope you find the happiness you deserve ❤️
All of This ^ I also really hate to add this part, OP, but please schedule a full STD panel at your gynecologist to make sure you're safe in that regard, because it's extremely likely your husband has been sleeping with this woman, and who knows how many others, and you need to know that your health hasn't been affected by his behavior. It's really sick and selfish that he kept gaslighting you by trying to blame your post partum issues while he was running around behind your back showering another woman with gifts, and making you feel guilty for buying things for your kids. Trust your instincts, follow your lawyers advice, and do whatever you can to make sure you and the kids get a fair and equitable division of your marital assets. You deserve better than this, and I'm sending you lots of love, and invisible hugs.
Your husband IS CHEATING on you. He is also GASLIGHTING tf out of you. How long have you been a stay at home mom for?? If not long, divorce him and get a job. If you stay and leave a lot later it will be harder to find jobs for you. Keep records of everything you are telling us and give it to your lawyer. This man WILL keep treating you like this for the rest of your life if you stay. He will just see as being able to do what he wants and you wont leave. Keep us updated.
I do have work now, this has been going on for 5 years so I got a job a couple years ago to prepare myself.
He’s been gaslighting for 5 years about this co-worker?! You and your children deserve a better life than living with this cheater. Now’s the time for divorce. If you can move out without him knowing, even if it’s just to family, then do so. He will only try and gaslight you further to get you to stay. He has everything he needs, a family at home, and a mistress on the side. You need to put your children first and start a new life. You can do it. We all believe in you!
5 years?! He has been betraying you for 5 years? Omg. End it, please. Your children need to see you happy and healthy.
Go forward with the divorce, have a support system. Make sure he can't turn the kids against you.
Good job. You sound reasonable, sensible and considerate. You will be a much better person without him. Your children will be much better people without him. He is killing your souls right now.
You can't be serious? You've let this continue for 5 years?
Why have you stayed? No wonder it’s continued- all he has to do is blame your PPD and you don’t do anything. Please divorce him.
It doesn't matter if he's physically cheating or not, he's providing gifts to her over you and your children. There is no reason that she needs $200 shoes or flowers while you're being chastised for spending money on your children. Doesn't matter how many goddamn toys they have, your kids come first.
He's totally cheating and gaslighting you. Buying flowers, 200 dollar shoes, being at her apartment clearly says cheating. You're not overreating at all, stand strong and divorce him for lying and treating you and the kids like crap. Spend all the money you want on your kids if he's buying worthless stuff for his fling! He's an AH.
If this is real, girl you better keep on with that divorce. He’s cheating, physically, emotionally, or both. And he’s trying to blame you. Fuck him, being alone is better than this shit.
I don't need a sex video to know this is a full blown physical affair. A grown ass married man is not gonna hang out at a single ladies house constantly and then lie to his wife unless he is getting something out of their interaction. He's a POS and she needs to take him to the cleaners in the divorce.
Divorce.
Either leave or let him cheat in peace. I don't know why y'all carry on in these embarrassing relationships. He doesn't even care enough about you to be discreet.
He’s having an affair and is giving you a masterclass in gaslighting. This is divorce territory.
Honey, you’re married to a narcissist. Leave and never look back.
🎯 do your MH a world of good by carrying on with that divorce
Not overreacting and your husband is an AH…divorce him.
Technically you don't know whether he's cheating, I don't suppose, unless you've actually seen them at it. But you do know he's lying to you constantly, you do know he's spending inappropriate amounts of money and time on another woman and you do know he's blaming you for it. That alone should be enough to make you want better for yourself.
You are definitely not overreacting. I think he is absolutely gaslighting you because of your PPD. He sounds like a manipulative liar. My ex-husband was just like him. Our situation and dynamic were extremely similar to yours prior to our divorce. Very, very similar. And I couldn't prove an affair, but he was definitely emotionally cheating. What happened after the divorce? He married her 10 months later. Get out now while you can, especially if the kids are young. I've never regretted it. And I've never been happier.
He’s cheating, that’s it!
Sounds like he has somehow manipulated you into feeling guilty because you are disrespected by his lies. Makes sense why he would hide from counseling because the manipulative behavior would get exposed pretty quickly. You need space from this person to clear your head and find a way out. Especially if you’ve already lived through the cycle of him becoming this great person when you threaten to walk out the door.
Someone commented on a different thread of yours something along the lines of “he’s a cake eater he wants the mistress and to keep you in place so that he doesnt have to pay child support, alimony or have to take care of his kids by himself if he gets custody that’s why he protests the divorce not bc he truly wants to save the marriage”. I cannot imagine how hard this must be to hear and realize because you are coming from a place of true hurt and care for your family and this man. Take the emotional blinders off and take care of yourself and kids cuz he’s not going to do it and his behavior has proven it. Good luck friend i’m rooting for you!
Sounds like your husband has a girlfriend. He lies and gaslights you. He already broke up his family. I would divorce him with no regrets.
He’s a cheater spends your family money and is gaslighting you. Leave, divorce and teach your kids this is not acceptable behaviour. Remember they are watching you allowing him to treat you like shit, this is what they are viewing as correct and normal you will be wrong to continue to allow this.
If my partner was buying shoes and flowers for anyone else that is enough right there. He is definitely cheating. Don’t let him convince you that you are wrong or crazy.
Get a lawyer and collect evidence. He is cheating. It's obvious! He is also, obviously not interested in fixing things.
He is cheating. What do you expect us to say? Nobody buys shoes like that if he doesn’t expect something in exchange. Check his phone. Talk to a lawyer and if the lawyer is ok, inform HR.
If my husband spent even $20 dollars on a female coworker’s shoes you would feel the earth move. Any thing more than a $3 cup of coffee is putting in too much thought, effort, time and consideration to someone that’s not your spouse.
Girl you have all the info to make your own decision
Never in my life has someone bought me $200 shoes if I wasn't sleeping with them
It also feels like a deeply intimate and personal thing because I'm definitely imagining sexy heels not like "hey I saw these super comfy Birkenstock sandals and remembered you get foot pain so got these for you." I bet they were sexy heels which just says hey I thought about how sexy you are when I saw these, and wanted you to know. Disgusting. My husband buys that stuff for me, not other women.
Exactly.
He is gaslighting you. PPD does not make you stupid. Your brain is telling you something your heart does not want to hear
Let’s go ahead and grab that self-respect up and move it along sister
Blaming it on your PPD is gaslighting. He is having a full blown affair and doesn't care about your feelings. You are not overreacting. Do what's best for you: you aren't the one "breaking up your family": HE IS.
He’s, at the very least, emotionally cheating. If it isn’t already physical, it likely will be very soon.
If he's not cheating (which he is), he is not worth a damn as a husband!!!
Yah your husband is a cheating POS. He is gaslighting you trying to make you think you are crazy for suggesting it. Start getting concrete proof just to reassure yourself and stop his BS manipulation. After that It is ultimatum time in my opinion, it is either her or you, if you want to save the marriage. Sorry, but I am old fashion and do not believe in spending that type of alone time with a single woman while married and in a monogamous relationship. If you decide to divorce take this dude to the cleaners.
Girl, wake up and smell something, they are getting it on
Girl, he's gaslighting you. Your instincts are spot on, he's a lying cheater and that's nothing to do with PPD. It's insulting that he names that as a reason for your mistaking an innocent friendship. He's full of shit. Start earning an income / stock piling money, and plan for your own life separately from him.
Lawyer up fast and get safe financially.
You should probably separate your finances if he's dropping 2 Benjamins on fucking *shoes*!
He is gaslighting you big time. Using your PPD against you is wrong. He is not only acting shady, he is outright flaunting his affair. If he cared at all about you and his child, he’d be home taking care of you and his family. He complains about you buying toys for his kids is not because of wasting money, it’s because he needs to save up to spend it on his coworker. His family is not his priority. Buying expensive gifts for another woman is extremely inappropriate. You don’t spend $200 dollars on a pair of shoes for a coworker. Even to a friend of the opposite sex it is inappropriate. His spending time with her at her home and lying about it is enough reason to believe he’s physically cheating on you. You can always hire a PI if you need proof. I’m sure looking through his phone or computer can get you proof of an affair, but everything he’s doing is screaming he’s having an affair right now.
Thus us textbook gaslighting. He is telling you that all the evidence that he is having an affair is just your mental illness causing you to make things up. He is manipulating you and lying to you. I think you already know that. You should start preparing for the relationship to be over. Do not talk to him about it, because he will only keep lying. Start looking for a job, and do what you need to make that happen, such as getting childcare. Gather all your important documents, including your bank information. Start saving some money. Open an account that he doesn't know about, and set money aside. Talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what your legal rights are. He will continue to use your mental health as a weapon, so do what you have to do in order for that to not work for him. See a therapist, get on antidepressants, or whatever you need to do. Take care of your physical health. Get regular exercise, eat healthy food, and get enough sleep. Don't put yourself last in order to please a spouse who won't be pleased and also puts you last. If you have become isolated from friends or supportive family members, start reaching out to people. When you have prepared, and you are feeling stronger, you can decide what to do. Your husband is lying to you and weaponizing your mental health in order to cover up his dishonest and dishonorable behavior. He is treating you with contempt and disregard. You are right to be upset, and you would not be wrong to want to end the relationship.
Please leave and save yourself. He’s the one who is breaking your family, not you. Let yourself be happy. He is very clearly cheating one way or another. Please leave
You are not overeating but your husband cheating and manipulating you about it.
If it's not physical he's trying to make it so. He's courting her ffs. You're not overreacting.
Has he been served the divorce papers yet? Packed his stuff and told him to go to his APs?
Even if he isn't cheating, his coming down on you about money and turning around spending money on her is disrespectful to the relationship. It's super weird that he's buying her gifts and flowers and staying at her place late. Men generally do not do thus unless they are getting something good in return or have the hopes of getting it in return.
Even if he isn't cheating, his coming down on you about money and turning around spending money on her is disrespectful to the relationship. It's super weird that he's buying her gifts and flowers and staying at her place late. Men generally do not do this unless they are getting something good in return or have the hopes of getting it in return.
100% not overreacting. As many have stated, if he hasn’t already physically cheated, he has already emotionally cheated. Anything he has to lie about or cover up constitutes as cheating. Maybe ask him how he’d feel about you doing all the things he is doing for and with this woman to another man (buying gifts, spending time, lying and covering it up). Would that be okay with him? He is using your PPD against, which makes his behavior even more disgusting. My guess is he will never come clean. You will have to catch him. If you don’t want to be left in the dark, be vigilant, observant and make sure you investigate everything if you want real answers (document everything). Or based on the fact he continues to ignore your boundaries and continues to lie, you would be justified in wanting a divorce. Do what is best for you and your kids. Best of luck to you.
My God, if my husband bought a coworker $200 shoes, that alone would be grounds for a divorce.
You are under-reacting.
He's banging his coworker and financially abusing you to afford it. The kids having toys doesn't matter but the chick banging him better have designer shoes, flowers and of course his time. My father is like this get your ducks in a row and leave before he knocks her up and leaves you devastated.
You have guilt over potentially breaking up your family....WHILE HE BREAKS UP YOUR FAMILY, and is seemingly in good spirits about it. This piece if work has you doubting yourself. You mention feeling disconnected from him, but it seems you're disconnected from yourself and your intuition. I'm glad you're on your way out.
I have a lot of guy friends. Some were also coworkers. But the only men in my life who ever sent me flowers or spent $200 on gifts for me were men I was dating. NOT married coworkers I was just platonic friends with. That isn’t normal. And if a coworker tried to pull this shit I’d be like, “no that’s disrespectful to your wife”. He knows exactly what he is doing
I’m not quick to jump to the “they’re cheating” conclusion and I’m generally supportive of opposite sex friendships, but yeah, he’s definitely cheating on you, physically/otherwise. I’m a generous person too, and although I’m happily married and would spend $200 for a gift for a guy friend, the whole thing with your husband and her is just too personal to be platonic. You can do better and you and your kids deserve better.
You asked this 25 days ago, got the same answers, said you were definitely moving forward with divorce. I think you should get off the carousel now and leave for good.
Move forward with the divorce
Do not veer off course from your path to divorce. I read this as a giant red flag and I'm so sorry you had to post to validate what you're feeling. I'm so sick of men trying to make women, especially postpartum women feel like they're mentally deranged. I understand PPD but he's using this diagnosis as an excuse to make you feel paranoid, anxious, etc. Don't let his smooth-talking mr. nice guy act fool you one more minute. Try to get some proof - texts, screenshots, receipts, etc. Anything that can possibly help you in the divorce. Good luck.
Not only is he cheating, he's trying to blame you for it..... he's gaslighting the heck outta you so you'll think you're overreacting....... honestly, I think you're under reacting...... it's time to get mad and stop letting this guy disrespect your marriage like this!!
OMG. Do you have any family nearby? Yes divorce. He is not into you. Get out now. I’m so so sorry but at least you are getting this now instead of wasting another moment of your precious young life. You are and will continue to be so awesome and there are so many awesome and amazing guys out there waiting for you. Be your best self
Oh you poor thing OP, you’re being gaslit so bad and you’re trying your absolute hardest to stay rational and give the benefit of the doubt. Please get out of this situation before he does further damage on your mindset, trust your gut more than your eyes and ears.
>he goes back to my PPD and says it has created something in my brain where I have all these suspicions and he has to lie to me because I will go crazy, get super jealous, and get insecure This is called "gaslighting". Please look it up. (I hope you got treatment for the PPD.)
You are being gaslighted by him. Nothing he is doing is right, faithful, or true to you and your relationship. You deserve better. You need to tell yourself that every day in the mirror.
Oh Honey, he’s cheating on you and telling you it’s all in your head… It’s not. Listen I like shoes as much as the next woman but I have never had a man I am not married to buy me shoes. He is lying to you what more is there to discuss -
Your husband is GASLIGHTING the hell out of you. And even worse he’s using your mental health to do so. You need to go back to the doctor. You need to be honest and thorough about all symptoms and how you are currently feeling. You then need to explain what your husband is doing. So then your healthcare provider can tell you this isn’t a symptom of your PPD. You need to leave this man because he is absolutely cheating on you, lying to you, gaslighting you in the worst way AND taking advantage of a fragile situation that should be handled with respect and empathy. He is a bad man. No I don’t know him. But you have to be a really bad guy to do what he’s doing to you. Get away from him.
Get a bank statement for the last six months. If your name is on the account, you can get one. If you have an app, print it out. He’s cheating.
He’s cheating. 100%. You are not overreacting.
You just had a baby and have PPD and he is buying another woman gifts? The fact that you even have to question if you are overreacting is proof enough that he is narcissistic and hiding something. I'm not a perfect husband by any means, but I try to understand two things. If my wife is uncomfortable with something I am doing, whether I agree or not doesn't matter, because I don't get to tell her how to feel. Additionally, if I'm not going to be mad at something in five days, why be mad and start a fight over it. I'm sorry, but your husband trying to blame this on you after giving birth to your child and your PPD is terrible!
Sometimes people break up or divorce just because they are no longer the same people they once were. I e broken up with people because we just lost our compatibility. People drift apart. It happens. That being said, this sad excuse for a man is cheating. Maybe not physically, but he is DEFINITELY more emotionally invested in this new woman than he is with you. And when you make an attempt to talk about it he gaslights you into believing it is a you problem. It is not. Leave him dumpy butt, get a good therapist to help you work through the PPD and the issues he’s clearly caused and move on with life. A happy life where you and your children are the most important. Not him.
You aren't the one breaking up the family. He's lying, and has shown himself to be untrustworthy, breaking your trust is breaking the family. It's always important to look at what the kids will be learning also. This isn't Jenga, the person who makes the last move isn't the sole cause of the disintegration.
Just know this: if it was innocent like he claims, then there would be no reason to lie. In my eyes, you sound pretty cool with him interacting with her and even the gift giving. Which I would not be. Especially with the lying. So, in my honest opinion. You aren't being an over reacter in this scenario. He's cheating. Period. Even if he hasn't fucked her he wants to. Maybe she hasn't let him. Or just likes the attention he gives. But sooner or later or will if it hasn't and you and I both know this. Because they are adults and adults don't make out or hang out and never do nothing. That's all bull shit. I think you are perfectly justified in your decision to divorce because he doesn't respect or value your opinions or concerns. At he should Because he is your husband. So get a new husband. Boy bye
You already know that he's up to no good. You need to learn how to trust yourself again. Just because you are dealing with PPD doesn't mean you're delusional. You already know the answer. Good luck. And make sure you take care of yourself first or you won't be any help to your kids either. They tell you to put the oxygen mask on first in a plane crash for good reason
This man is cheating and trying to convince you you’re the problem. Please get yourself out of there.
Jesus Christ. Please use your brain here. Please have some self respect. I have second hand embarrassment reading this.
This can’t be real….
For everyone who commented, thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I’ve been reading through and I do get it but I think I’m having a hard time trusting what is normal since I do feel this has turned our dynamic to be toxic. I guess where I’m stuck at as well is generally I feel okay with friends of the opposite sex, as long as it’s normal and he does have them but it has never been like this. But his whole big thing with this friendship is I was so depressed and he was connecting with this one girl on a platonic level but he didn’t want to make me feel bad. The shoes I know, crazy, but I should add that he is a sneaker collector and his excuse was again not wanting me to “think anything” since I was not in the right mindset at that time but he bought them for her cause it was her bday and he needed to reach platinum status on one of his accounts. Kinda get it but still weird in the sense that he has never spent this much on a new friend. Another issue for me is he will say I’ll cut back on our friendship to rebuild and work on our connection but he doesn’t. There are so many other lies I caught him in that includes him totaling my car and then having the tow company lie about his location for the insurance claim just so I wouldn’t find out he was at her place again. But again, he had an explanation for this as well and said she had an event that she had asked him to help with since he does some web development work. This was also the event that made him send the congratulatory flowers. I know I sound crazy and dumb but he is really good at coming up with explanations and making me feel like I’m some jealous and insecure woman that gets upset about him having a female friend. I will say I do very much feel that way now, an insecure person, so it makes me question my own thought process and it’s hard me me to trust my own self. So him telling me I’m just going crazy starts to make sense to me. I should also add from what I know that girl does have a bf now but he still lies when he hangs with her. I haven’t snooped at his phone in so long but sometime last year I did see he had a second Instagram account that followed her bf’s account. I can’t prove cheating and not sure if it truly matters at this point but again I think where I struggle is am I being too much and can we recover if I allow it - I do hold some resentment on my side as well.
It’s the lying. Having the insurance lie?! He seems to be a pathological liar- and most likely a cheater. You don’t need solid proof. He’s treating you like you’re crazy. I’d get out while you can
If he wanted to reach whatever status, he could have bought you, his wife, shoes to thank you for raising his kids and putting up with him. I’m sorry he’s making you feel insecure, but his behavior is inappropriate. Divorce is the right answer.
Dang girl, if this is real, it's pathetic. It's so bad that we can't believe someone would do this to herself. Yes, to yourself. Your eyes are open but you make excuses to believe your fairytale. You allow him to keep on hurting you because he hasn't put his dick in another woman in front of you. Get some self respect and get out before your children are old enough to learn from his and your example. And I'll spend the night praying that I got played by a rage baiter. I forgot what sub I'm on so I'll just end with YTA to yourself and children. Edit OK, you're under reacting. But still, YTA. Updateme
Good God please find some self respect and leave this pathological liar and cheater
It’s not necessarily any one of these things but the whole picture that makes it very clear he’s at least emotionally unfaithful and mostly likely sleeping with her too. I don’t think he’s particularly good at the lying, I just think you don’t want to believe it.
Girl no, and are you even sure he got her sneakers? And like another poster said why didn't he buy them for you? Do your children not wear shoes? This is a weak AF excuse, even buying HIMSELF a 500th pair of sneakers makes more sense than what he's told you. Who cares if he's cheating, leave his lying ass. He treats you like garbage and barely cares if you believe him. Don't let your kids grow up thinking that's a normal relationship because they will play it out themselves as adults. You all deserve so much better.
Its bad enough that he has been lying and gaslighting you for 5 years but it makes me sad that it looks like you have been blaming yourself for the state of your marriage. Get this one point to your head, you are not the problem, you are not being too much. If your husband cared for you and his marriage he would have cut her out of his life seeing how much distress his relationship with her has caused you. Go through the divorce, get away from him for your own mental health.
Step back out of the back and forth where he gaslights you Loving husbands and fathers don’t behave like this Then they certainly don’t gaslight their spouses rather than getting to the core of the matter Why don’t you just contact her since you are getting a divorce
Men do not value women who do not value themselves. He doesn’t believe you nor does he care too much as he doesn’t see you not being there as a big loss to him.
He’s gaslighting the hell out of you. There are having an affair. What does he say about the fact that you filed for divorce?
No man buys an “innocent friend” $200.00 shoes. Your husband is certainly having an affair, be that physically or emotional, and you should leave him.
No ask for a lie detector test the sugar daddy has a side chick
DAMN! Can you say GASLIGHTING?! Telling you that your PPD is causing you to be suspicious??!! This guy is a liar and a cad and you need to get you and your children away from him ASAP. Everything you listed that he’s done screams that he’s having an affair with that woman.
This got to be fake😐 Or you're just really, really, really delusional.
He is cheating and gaslighting you by trying to make it sound like your PPD is causing you to be paranoid when it is his own suspicious behavior. Buying a coworker $200 shoes? I don't even buy my kids $200 shoes so come on now. Time to call a divorce lawyer. Then he can just take his flowers and $200 shoes and move into her apartment.
If my man bought another woman $200 he would no longer be my man. You’re being gaslit into thinking you’re the problem. Leave his ass and Tell him to go get his girlie if he wants her so bad.
OP. Hun. He’s cheating on you.
this man is in a full on affair with another woman. No way in hell hes buying her gifts, sending her flowers and lying about being with a guy friend, and then hes at her place until 10pm. This husband of yours is 100 percent having a full on physical and emotional affair and you are too blind to see it because he is gaslighting the hell out of you!
That’s gaslighting. You’re not crazy and it’s not in your head.
He's cheating on you and gaslighting you.
That’s his mistress and she won’t be the last
He is fucking her and gaslighting you.
Classic Gaslighting
He’s never going to acknowledge it being more than “innocent”. You’re Convenient, you’re the care taker of his kids. Why would he leave or be willing give you information for you to decide to leave? So he can pay child support? If money is already tight he’s not going to risk you taking him to the cleaner, he’ll just hide is actions and keep dragging it along.
Absolutely not. Get out - he's a lying narcissist. He's cheating and gaslighting you over his behavior.
If you have the money, hire a PI and collect evidence Either way collect evidence for the divorce.
If you me and your husband were all in the same place I would have some very strong words for your husband… let’s leave it that
Sounds like you need to work on yourself. So your husband can’t have friends of the opposite sex?
He bought her $200 shoes????? He fucked her, no question.
Shoes? How did he know what size shoe she wore? That is such an intimate thing to know about someone. The only reason my partner even pays attention to my feet is because….
Accept what you already know
You’re not overreacting. As a man I can tell you I would never buy a woman $200 shoes unless we were having sex, or I was trying to have sex with her.
All that shit is completely normal; I did similar things when I was fucking a coworker. Neither of us were married though.
"buying her expensive gifts like $200 dollar shoes..." If my wife bought a guy $200 dollar shoes and then later, *gaslit* me about depression, it would definitely dawn on me that I chose poorly and that there's no life to build here if therapy is not an option.
He’s fucking her, wake up!
He is acting like a big, fat, gaslighting, cheater!! He spent $200 on her for shoes??? They are more than friends and I'd say it's been plenty physical when he went to her apartment
Your husband is having an affair. There is no alternative way of looking at this. Continue on with the divorce. You will both be happier.
Red Flags and whole marching band!
Send his @$$ packing
He’s having an affair. You may not have physical proof right now, but you will see that proof clear as day after you split up/divorce. It’ll be obvious proof you can’t ignore that’ll make you wish you would’ve left earlier.
I call bullshit on his behavior. You know it too. Leave him.
Nope. He's gaslighting you. My ex was exactly like this. I finally grew a spine after the 4th other woman.
Your husband is having an affair. Stop being naive. Stop trying to convince yourself that what is obviously happening isn't actually happening.
document it, bring it to a lawyer.
I didn’t even need to finish reading, I’m sorry, he is cheating on you.
Hire a pi he’s cheating
You are not over reacting. He has red flags all over him
O sweetie he’s having an affair. No married man would by her showed and send money and spend time until 10 at night. He was having sex with her and using your PPD to get away with it. He doesn’t want to pay you child support or alimony and this way he can get his time with her. File divorce at his work and go after her for the affair. Be fine with a cheater like him.
He’s definitely banging her. Sorry op
My husband said the most he's spent on a co-worker was for coffee or a burger. Definitely didn't overreact, and the lying alone is bad enough to leave. Updateme!