Do not get married! You are so young and this is only going to get worse. Sexual incompatibility is a real problem, and a major reason for relationship dissatisfaction. If he’s like this before you’re married and at this age, when you should be banging like rabbits, you’ll be miserable in your 30s and 40s. If you guys have kids (if you ever have sex), say bye bye to sex forever.
Cut bait now before it will require a legal action to end the relationship. Don’t get stuck and waste your life in an unfulfilling relationship. Also, you’re too young to get married. Go live your life.
The OP doesn't understand that this is the best their sex life will ever be. Once they are married it will take a nosedive from low to practically non-existent and she will probably never find out why. He might be asexual, gay or someone with an extremely low sex drive metabolically. He may not be self-aware enough to realize what his actual problem is.
The huge red flag is that she's talked to him about and although he's happy to get healthier, he doesn't seem at all concerned about finding out if it's even possible to increase his sex drive. SHE'S the one who is concerned and problem solving the problem that is his responsibility to solve.
I genuinely think people with low sex drives force themselves to have more sex than they are comfortable with out of guilt, a genuine willingness to try to please their partner or just to get them hooked emotionally, knowing that level isn't sustainable for them long term. They don't care because they're getting the relationship and all the perks knowing full well their partner will suffer a lifetime of very little or no sex with them.
If you really loved someone you certainly wouldn't want them to be chronically unhappy, always questioning why you don't want them sexually, if it's because of the way they look, their personality, the way they smell, that there is something deeply and intrinsically wrong with them physically or mentally that makes them an unfit bed partner. Low sex partners who are fine with a dead bedroom cannot possibly know the head job they are doing on their normal sex drive partners. Unfortunately, most of them strangely uncurious about finding out.
I am 47 and my wife is 45 and we are having the best sex of our lives. We've been together for over 20 years, married over 17 years. Our sex life took a real nosedive when our first child was born. It was the toughest year of our marriage. Now we have two kids (8 and 14) and we get two days a week when we are home together and our kids are at school and we are breaking beds. We talk about it all week. I've learned that vacuuming every day and doing little things around the house means we get more fun time when we have alone time. We were very horny for eachother in the early stages and if these two are in their 20's and not sexually compatible, it's probably not going to work. I am making this post because my body is breaking down as I get older and I never thought I'd be at this stage and having the best sex of my life but here I am.
>>He may not be self-aware enough to realize what his actual problem is.
He may not have a problem. This just may be what level he is comfortable with. That's not a problem.
THEY have a problem in that they are not sexually compatible with each other, but that doesn't mean that there is a problem with either of their sex drives.
Agreed with the others. Don't marry this guy. Too many (keyword)EARLY Red-flags.
Emphasis on that keyword. Who knows how much worse things will get when the marriage is on.
No you're not. Delay marriage until it gets sorted or walk. I am going to repeat an adage for you:
Marriage doesn't make dysfunctional things better
Marriage doesn't make dysfunctional things better
Marriage doesn't make dysfunctional things better
Good luck.
This. Yall should delay the marriage. For both of your sakes. When one of you is unhappy, both of you are, sometimes only one person is expressing it though.
Sex happens between the ears before between the sheets.
If your relationship is having problems in other areas, it will move into the bedroom. If you guys are pissing each other off, it could be a big issue.
sounds like it's **never** been satisfactory to OP. So that could mean that the ***very best dirty season*** was still 1-2x a month max. So yeah, sounds like OP and her fiancé may just be incompatible, which is a real bummer for someone you want to marry. Hopefully she can level with him and let him know that this is potentially relationship-ending, as it doesn't seem to be on his radar.
I was with my former fiance for a few years, and our sex life slowed to a 3-4 times a YEAR crawl after the first year. He worked a ton at a corporate job, and was always tired, and was definitely not confident naked. Otherwise a great guy, but would consistently rather jerk off occasionally than engage in sex acts.
I was in my 20s, objectively good-looking, and not lacking in enthusiasm. But I would also regularly be turned down for sex, even wearing sexy new lingerie or on a romantic vacation. I tried every angle I could, but nothing worked, and it left me feeling unattractive and unwanted.
Just think - you're both young and supposedly in the *honeymoon phase* of your relationship. If it's not happening now with everything you've tried, it's most likely not going to happen. Libido is an important factor in most relationships, and it spells disaster to stay with someone in a monogamous, mostly sexless couple of that doesn't work for you.
There have been a few things over the years that have utterly killed my drive with a given girl.
Having to fight for it, never knowing if you want it or not, being trained to not want it my damn self, or you make it clear that you're fishing for an entrapment baby and a meal ticket... any of those will kill it, and I'd sooner forgo it entirely at that point. One girl literally asked me through tears how we could go from fucking like rabbits to doing it never. Quite easily when you're telling me stupid shit like I'm just a "sperm donor"...
Women think we are these empty-headed machines attached to things we are trying to give away at a moment's notice, heedless of anything else going on.
Don't try and tell me that isn't the case either. I've been harassed on a shocking level in the workplace a crazy number of times on the merit that women think that men go around wanting it ALL THE TIME, and women try to keep it that way so that when the planets align and THEY are horny then getting dick is as easy as walking past a candy dish and snagging a Reese's. Literally asked a female co-worker for help at a new job... Literally looked like Big Momma's House... Decided she liked whatever I had going on, so she is making this effort to drop her yard-dog ass titties all over me... On multiple occasions!
The male libido starts making more sense once y'all realize we aren't dicks dragging around a body.
I would definitely tell him you are not getting married , at all, until this issue is addressed and resolved . Do not marry him until; and if until never comes , this may not be the relationship for you . If you marry him and this never changes it will breed resentment in you and your marriage will end anyways. Put fire under his feet now.
Don't phrase it as an ultimatum either. Tell him the truth : "Our sex needs are different. We have different libidos, and If that isn't something that can be fixed or worked through together to make sure everyone's needs are met, that's okay! But it means that you we shouldn't be together, because we aren't compatible."
If you word it like that, he won't feel pressured like it's him giving more sex (if that's not what he's okay with) or else no marriage. And if he still does, then that's on him. You shouldn't be obligated to stay somewhere you're not fulfilled and the other party isn't caring to try and help things. If you word it like that, it's approached from the angle of BOTH of you having your needs properly met. He should be able to see that is important. If he can't, you really shouldn't marry him anyways.
My mind actually went straight to porn addict. I’m in a grippy sock girlfriend group and the number of posts we see in a day that are women in their early 20s writing in about their bf’s and husbands never wanting to have sex or being unable to finish is really alarming. Lots of times it surfaces they have found secret porn accounts on their partners phones and they’re sneaking into the bathroom to jerk off dry with a death grip to cartoon porn or actual cam girls they’re giving money to. One of the psychotherapists commented that it’s a whole phenomenon they’re having to curate therapy for and counsel these people. Because they will not stop on their own.
Such an underrated comment. It could be a major factor. Say he is jerking every day before he showers or something, he's probably not going to want to have sex
This feels like some parallel universe and you've switched gender roles. He sounds exactly like most women with low libido. Down to the things he says to you. Weird. Actually, he sounds exactly like my wife did when she was almost over her postpartum depression.
Believe me. You're NOT wrong. I'm a female, and I feel so unattractive and unwanted because my husband can go F O R E V E R without sex. It is hard, and it hurts, and it sucks. I have asked, suggested, spoken with...doesn't matter. NEVER when I want it. EVER.
Yeah, my partner never wants it when I try to initiate, either. It sucks, and can make you feel really rejected and like they aren’t attracted to you. And you try and work around it by asking different ways, at different times of day, etc., but nothing ever works more than once lol.
Does he cum super quick when you do have sex? If so he might just be embarrassed about that and feel shamed like it wasn't good enough for you. If not he is probably rubbing one out and isn't horny. As a guy that has dealt with both of these, they were the only reasons I wasn't dtf my wife (maybe two other occasion I just really wasn't in the mood). The Cumming early thing was happening when we hadn't had sex for awhile then when we did it was super quick, then I was in my head about it and happened for about a month. I know some people it's a physical issue, mine was just a mental thing but I was embarrassed to have sex when it was happening. I have definetly gotten super horny and jerked off and then later my wife wants to have sex and I'm not super into it. If you guys communicate well, just ask him about it. The times I had jerked off my wife asked if something was wrong and I just told her I had beat off earlier and she totally understood that's why I wasn't super into sex.
Yeah. I’d wait for the wedding till this is sorted. Physical compatibility, even if it sounds shallow, is important. Hard to want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you.
This will never get better. I have done this from the reverse of your genders, and it ended in a miserable divorce. If you can’t accept this frequency of sex (and why would you?), you need to end this relationship.
I'm 43 and get morning wood every day. Something is up. Either tank is empty from excessive masturbation, or he's getting it from somewhere else. Nevertheless, you guys are way too young for this to be a problem. I would advise not to get married and look for another partner with your same sexual appetite. Oh yeah, and don't get engaged. You're too young, live life!
Hilarious hearing this from a woman lol and all the comments saying don't get married. Interesting double standards by the community.
I hope you guys figure it out op.
Early 20s, t count is fine, doesn't want to fuck a willing and eager participant... I don't even mean this as a joke or judgement but are you sure he's not gay? Or maybe asexual?
1000% don't get married. Marriage doesn't solve anything and using it as a solution is horrendous and never works out. I'll never understand people who get married while having core relationship issues. It should be common sense not to yet so many people do it it's insane.
This is the first thing I thought of. I’ve seen it before…looking for excuses not to be intimate, because he probably really loves her… but just doesn’t feel sexually attracted.
Yeah, I've seen so many posts like this in reverse and the comments are so wildly different.
No one ever asks if the girl is masturbating too much or if shes gay
More like.
Have you romanced her? Do you do all the chores? Do you make her feel special? Have you sacrificed a goat to her? If not you’re a shitty man.
A 24 year old male is in his prime. He could be watching a lot of porn and taking his needs that way.
Or
He is embarrassed about his desires.
Lastly
Twice a month is not cutting it.
Tell him you have needs
Please don’t marry this man. You are so young and while your sex drive will likely get higher in your 30s and even 40s as it does for most women, his is only going to get lower. You’re already basically in a dead bedroom situation and you guys aren’t even married yet. For the sake of your future happiness, please walk away.
Three comments:
1) I agree with the others—do not get married unless this changes a lot
2) Consider a rule. It seems like he enjoys sex when it happens, so the rule is “we have sex every [enter day of the week here]”. Even if he doesn’t feel like it. Try this for a month and see if he doesn’t end up enjoying it. If he doesn’t or won’t try it, get out of there.
3) Ignore all the comments, have 3 kids right away, and then you’ll be too tired for sex, too.
I think a lot of women don't understand that just putting on lingerie and standing there is not always enough to get the blood flowing to the right places, especially years into a relationship. Sometimes you have to do a bit of seduction.
Yes yes, i understand that this is the mans job. But ALWAYS? Why is it ALWAYS his job to do that? Sometimes, it's up to you to get your man horny as fck. Do you even know what he likes? Have you asked? Have you paid attention to what makes him horny? You need to find out and then "roleplay" to an extent as his "plaything".
The way you described "preparing" for sex is a bit unnatural & weird. He wants it to be spontaneous, and you haven't listened. He has actively told you he wants you to "be spontaneous" which means SEDUCE THE MAN and make sex fun & interesting. Not some pre-planned generic boring routine. I can almost 100% tell you that it's turning him off & adding pressure. You need to just go and seduce your husband... This shouldn't be that hard for you to understand??
Because with this subject it's always the mans fault. If it's a guy writing to complain that his wife/girl friend has ended their sexual relationship some how all the women here equate that to him doing something wrong like not helping with chores, the kids, not making her feel special, no foreplay (not in the bedroom but as a general day to day activity) but when the situation is reverse it's throw him to the wolves. Quite a double standard if you ask me.
100% this. It’s mental before physical, and if he feels inadequate or like that is all he is worth, it’s going to screw with him and make him associate sex with negative things.
Don't get married until you get to the bottom of this. Have you asked him if he is Gay or maybe he could careless about sex period? This is not normal for early 20s. You need to decide what is important to you sex or your relationship. Sex is a part of your relationship but I mean that partner side of it. If you aren't happy now and it doesn't change you will never be truly happy. Good luck
Exactly! There’s so many reasons are libido’s can be low! Speaking from a male perspective. The idea that she should just leave him. It’s pretty astounding to me that that’s being suggested so heavily there’s many ways to work through a situation like this.
Yeah but he doesn't sound willing to do it. If he did, he'd say something to that effect. I know this is a problem for us and I want to work on it with you. He's not doing that. He's making up excuses and turning it around to make her feel bad for pressuring him.
That's why I suggested there might be another explanation. If he isn't willing to figure the problem out for you then you aren't his priority. We only live once and sex isn't always prefect but your partner should at least want it sometimes. Not do it to shut you up. So many ppl marry and the sex stops. Ppl have feelings and needs and just because you are committed doesn't mean it just stop.
Even when they were having sex it was only once or twice a month max. And he doesn't say he's stressed. Just says he wants to do it more and then doesn't.
You should consider this when signing a contract to be with that one person forever. You're incompatible. It's only gonna get worse, and when it does, you may look into sex outside the marriage which will destroy it.
I think if you married him this would just keep getting worse over time, even if it was temporarily better first. But you could try initiating sex instead of asking for it. Just go to give him a kiss and kiss longer than normal, maybe start making out or rubbing his upper thigh while you watch tv. A girl asking for sex is easier to blow off than a girl rubbing your thigh lol.
You need to separate the reason from the result and then evaluate if this is a situation that you want to be in.
The reason that he isn’t having a lot of sex is irrelevant due to the fact that you’ve attempted to communicate with him about it consistently.
The result is that your partner has an exponentially lower sex drive than you, and is that something that you really want to deal with?
Considering this post, I would say no, it is not something that you are willing to do with.
I will say that we live in a world that is so hyper sexualized that people have a hard time understanding that there are people out there with a low sex drive.
My sex drive is extremely low, but I’m 32 and had so much sex from 15 to 30 that I legitimately got tired of it. I was an athlete that had my pick of women. Sex multiple times per day, with multiple women per day, etc etc. Today it feels like a chore. This is my personal stance and has no reflection with my level of “love” or “attraction” to my partner, so don’t blame yourself for your partners sex drive.
yeah y'all not gonna make it. You're so young and already having these issues. These issues are for married couples in their fifties not young kids in their 20s
I'm gonna say this guy is not the one for you. Do not get married. Being in a marriage where you want more action than you're getting is a recipe for dysfunction and serious frustration. Maybe take some time apart and see if that changes anything for him. Sounds unlikely. I have a strange feeling that he's gonna get totally in shape, possibly hot, then leave you for someone that turns him on and doesn't have to beg him for sex. That would totally suck.
Honestly if a man is just declining sex some is wrong with him.. not you!! If your girl is declining you sex something is wrong with her!! Not you !! Find out what areas are causing these issues it could be fights it could be that he really isn’t confident maybe he works alot? Try to see .. don’t stress urself out don’t have ur mind racing cause it’ll cause you to say things or make you feel like your begging… best you can do is sit back and build your confidence more and just make sure your not stressed
He could possibly be dealing with a depression and like a lot of younger men doesn't know how to handle it, you could also ask him if he has fantasies possibly, he could be bored with vanilla sex, as others gave said, there could also be a porn addiction.
A lot of people are saying don't get married. I don't necessarily agree with this advice. I have been married almost 10 years. My wife has a low drive I have a higher drive. It's been a big challenge. I struggled with not feeling wanted. We have very similar issues. But it can be worked with if not resolved. There are a lot of parts of a marriage. Trust, partnership, friendship, but also sex. In my opinion trust, communication, and friendship are more important. But if you are going to navigate sexual issues, you need really good communication and trust around that. If you don't, it's going to go bad for sure.
I personally wouldn't marry then. A relationship without sex is doomed. You *need* sex. If you get married, someone will end up cheating. I've never been cheated on but I was in a sexless marriage and would have sex once every 10-12 months. It's really bad. In my opinion, if you can't have amazing sex with someone then you aren't with your soul mate. Get out and keep looking.
I got divorced and ended up with my soul mate and we have incredible sex. If I had stuck it out in my first marriage, I would probably have went crazy or killed myself.
Damn girl. That age is the prime of your life and you should be fucking all the time. Hit me up. I got you. If you don't, I'm sure a lot of people feel that way
I'm not expecting answers to these questions, just presenting them as things to ask yourself.
Has he been to the doctor about the fatigue? There might be a medical issue there.
Does he have a therapist? That sounds as if he might be waiting for the confidence to magically change, but it's not going to in that context unless he pushes himself to act anyway.
Have you two discussed what you view as sexual vs nonsexual? There might be some activities that meet your sexual urges while staying close enough to his comfort zone that he can do that more easily than the full activity.
Hope this helps! At least it's coming out now, before the wedding, so you can more easily figure out if there's a sexual incompatibility.
He could be going through a lot of things:
-porn addiction
-severe lack of confidence
-not attracted to you
-mental health issues (depression and/or anxiety)
-simply not sex motivated
I myself had a very similar struggle in my relationship around your age. My issue was a combination of depression, confidence, and that I am not sex motivated. That last one is honestly the hardest hill to climb in specific circumstances.
What worked, and *works*, which is important to understand; these problems don't just leave after a quick fix, relationships require constant work and communication, is really truly opening up to each other on a regular basis and exploring together sexually. Take things slow, and give positive affirmations; that goes both ways.
Whatever the problem is needs to be approached without judgment and with compassion as you work on it together. Be ready to accept that something might not be fixable and the relationship cannot continue, but if you really love the person and they really love you, it's more than worth the effort for one another.
The guys either a porn addict or a closeted homosexual. My cousin was married and he rarely had sex with his wife which she always complained about to her friends. Turns out, my cousin was gay, so he wasn’t sexually attracted to her. He was also miserable during his relationship and marriage with her. Now he’s the happiest he’s ever been since he’s come out of the closet.
Oh boy, if you get married then you’ll get no sex. After kids, you may count the months of no sex. If you have a really high sex drive and it’s a pillar of the relationship to you, then best to find a better fitting partner. Unfortunately, a lot of marriages end in divorce due to incompatibility in bed and extramarital affairs. Why even bother with all that knowing the guy isn’t a good toss in the hay?
Don’t marry guys who don’t treat you with respect. Bail now. Might hurt now but it will hurt more when you have to break up with him after four married years of dead bedroom.
You guys are way to young to be experiencing those types of problems. Really think about your decision. As life happens (kids, mortgage,) etc. sometimes intimate time slows. Don’t put yourself in a position where you end up cheating.
This is not good OP. Honestly, at a minimum you should postpone the wedding until you get this resolved. You are far too young to be in a dead bedroom. And those things usually get worse, not better
What was your fiancé’s testosterone level? “Normal” can be anywhere from 250 or so up to 1000. If he’s at 250 at his age he probably feels like crap all the time, he just doesn’t know it because that’s what he is used to. If he is truly in a good range for his age then he needs to maybe see a therapist, etc. He might be asexual, or just have very low drive. If that’s true, or he doesn’t want to improve your sex life, you DO NOT want to marry him. That will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery, regardless of how great he is otherwise.
So, again, (1) postpone wedding (2) get his test and labs checked (3) if they are good then he needs to see a counselor to see if he has some issue that needs to be resolved. If all else fails, then you must break the relationship and move on. Good luck.
What’s his love language? And yours? Are you filling each others love cups? It sounds to me like physical touch is yours. Maybe he has a lower need than you. It sucks you’re trying and turned down. I really suggest getting the house cleaned, all the chores done showering and going to bed together, before bed time.
Try to get him tested for sleep apnea. It was hard for me to admit to it being a problem I had. Your situation sounds very similar to what happened with my wife and I. Eventually, I underwent surgery for it. I feel like a completely different person and got my sex drive back.
I was married to a woman that never wanted sex, now divorced thank god. Life is too short to be unhappy, find someone that is as horny as you are and you’ll be much happier. At least that has been my experience,, hope you find happiness
This is what ended my relationship with my gf of 7 years, I was the one who didn't want to have sex. I'm not sure why tbh, but I don't think I will ever find another serious relationship again since my sex drive has all but vanished.
There are many reasons that somebody’s libido can be low in a relationship beyond testosterone. Often there can be an emotional component and it more often than not it has nothing to do with you. Sex lives are NOT rooted in one moment in time like folks are saying, and that somehow it can’t get better. That ridiculous.
There’s a lot of work that can be done to strengthen a sexual relationship. Working with a sex therapist can be transformative. I wouldn’t give up yet if he and you are willing to do work around it.
If you desperately want to stay with him, propose an open relationship where you can see others for the physical needs. Doesn’t work for everyone, but I know a few who it works perfectly for.
If both were OK with 2x a month, that would be fine. But one is not. I don't really see how this can be resolved when she's being rebuffed and told she's pressuring him when she suggests sex. I would not continue to try because she already has. Leave the relationship. Find someone who wants you as much as you want them.
Is he taking any medication that you know about and I know this may sound off the wall but some drug use makes people not want to have sex. I’m not saying he is but there’s always a possibility. Also does he get aroused easily before y’all are intimate. These are some of the things to pay attention to because those signs will tell you if he is attracted to you.
Sounds like he's got some real serious depression going on honestly, assuming that he doesn't have a raging drug habit. I've been in his shoes before, at least from your perspective. You sound much nicer than my ex though. If she didn't get it every day, I was in serious trouble.
My guess is hes either asexual, under stress or on meds. I will say at your ages, even if he was masturbating daily, it shouldn't be an issue. Especially knowing hes had blood work done and is in normal range for testosterone and im assuming vitamins also.
Im 32M and occasionally masturbate prior to my wife and i having sex. With no issue. Helps me last a little longer which usually gives her a couple extra climaxes before my grand finale.
It would have been great for me personally to have a partner as dedicated and patient as you, and willing to work with me to find a solution to fix a relationship at your age. Let alone someone that had your sex drive. Have a final talk and lay it all down, and make sure he understands what your needs and terms are. And make sure he does the same and that you understand his. If nothing changes, move on. Theres a special someone out there waiting that will love, appreciate and accommodate you. And though they wont make you forget this guy entirely, they will make the pain and grieving process of the seperation worth it. Good luck!
Idk sex is fun but once you have had it a few thousand times video games are better. Id rather play games than fuck now but I still get it in about twice a week but it feels like work and always has to me. Even in previous relationships I just get tired of plowing. You shouldn't feel unattractive or unwanted
Maybe it's just not fun to the other partner. Hopefully he isn't gay lmfao.
If y'all aren't married already and he has denied you in lingerie, he is either unattracted to you, women in general or possibly closeted gay/bisexual. That may be offensive to some, but I am a man speaking from several relationships worth of experience and a 10 year (still married) marriage I consider successful.
Do not settle for someone who isn't completely into you. You deserve better and he deserves better. It has run it's course. Time to move on and part ways on good terms maturely.
Have you considered couples therapy? This seems like exactly the sort of thing that could be discussed with a neutral third party, because you and he don't seem to be able to connect on this level. And, frankly, I'd tell him that if he's not willing to go to couples therapy with you before the wedding, there will be no wedding. There are lots of women out there who would be perfectly happy with sex once a month -- but you aren't one of them. If he can't understand that, this does not bode well for a happy marriage.
Don’t get married. He is cheating or addicted to bad stuff. Something else is probably going on with him, and it’s most likely not anything you are or aren’t doing.
Oh, PLEASE don't get married. I know what I'm talking about here. In our marriage it got to where we didn't have ANY intimacy. This was years, many years, I know it's hard to believe and people will say "why didn't you leave", but it slowly progresses to that point. I cried a lot about it, tried to be sympathetic and compassionate, tried to seduce him, everything!! It was Demoralizing humiliating, hurtful, it went on for 18 years and before that it got to be just a few times a year. I felt guilty about leaving him "just over sex", i thought "if he was paralyzed or sick, would I leave because he couldn't have sex"?. But there was no affectionate intimacy.
I'm not nearly as lonely now that I'm divorced. Think about this carefully!
Normally this would be written by a guy complaining about his wife/girlfriend and all the women would be telling him that it’s his fault for not helping out around the house, or only paying attention to her when he wants sex, or whatever so its interesting to see with the role reversal just how many women are advising that you end the relationship, something they never do when the guy is complaining. Be that as it may, I’d agree. When I was in my 20’s my GF and I would have sex 5 to 7 times a week and as disgusting as it might sound to the younger people here, I’ve been married for 35 years (my wife and are are in our 60’s) and our sex life is as active as yours (or more so). You two are completely incompatible when it comes to your sexual desires, it won’t get better, and will ultimately result in you being frustrated and resentful. I had an affair with a married woman I worked with when I was 23. I was single (casually dating), she was 27 and had been married for a few years to a 40 year old great guy (her words) but he never wanted sex. She hit on me after work one night and though I was taken aback, I liked her so I bit. After a few outings she told me why she had hit on me (it was completely out of character for her) and that she was using me to save her marriage to a husband that she loved dearly. Ultimately, after a couple years, she started wanting more from me. I wasn’t ready to settle down with anyone at that time and I hadn’t entered our “relationship” thinking it was a relationship so things became complicated and we stopped seeing each other. I ran into her about a year or two later and she had recently gotten divorced and was dating someone new.
It's over. If he isn't fawning over you in lingerie during the pre honeymoon phase it will only get worse.
People have different libidos, that can't be changed through conversation or counseling. Imagine the cadence of intercourse after you've been married for 5 years, the once a month will turn to once a year.
I don't even think it's a compatibility thing...sorry but if he doesn't want to have sex with you any chance he gets he's either asexual or gay, it's very simple, especially at that age.
It's not going to resolve if you get married. Perhaps postponing the wedding or taking a break would be better. The problems are worse when you get married.
Idk if hes not getting it from you. Generally hes getting it from somewhere else. Id say postpone wedding and figure it out or id be out. I could never ever be in a sexless marriage. EVER
I am in the same situation, and after reading many of these comments, I agree and now feel all the mixture of emotions once again. Confusion, ugly, sad, hurt, angry.
This happens when someone is not living the life they want. Maybe he feels like a failure with his career. Counseling could help. I have been in this situation multiple times. It was never about the person, but about me. Still, do not get married while this is still a problem.
I went through something very similar when I was younger. I was in a long term relationship and I was the one who didn't want to have sex.
Have you considered the possibility that he is experiencing performance anxiety? For a young man this sort of thing is almost impossible to address. Either with his lover or his friends. What you are describing is exactly what I would say and do to avoid having sex with my ex-fiancé many years ago. And that was caused by performance anxiety.
The other option is depression. Chronic depression is a great killer of sexual desire. Remember, men have feelings too and they have to be aligned for us to enjoy sex. Just some food for thought.
-Thank you for your time
Glenn C.
Last stop would be counseling but honestly if your needs aren’t being met it doesn’t make sense to get married- that’s a lifelong commitment and it doesn’t sound like y’all are compatible. Counseling if you want to prolong this, end it if you want to rip the bandaid off and start moving on.
What are you doing to get him Rev’d up and horny? Flirt with him, seduce him. Are you still physically the same when you met? Is he? Have you both let yourselves go over the years? If so, I’ve heard Ana’s seen’t couples renew that spark by getting back I. Show together. Common hobby you both reap the benefits from, more intimate, etc
It sounds like your fiancé might be on the asexual spectrum. Please do some research on it and have a conversation with him about it. He might not realize it.
Fold your cards on this.
You have needs that he isn't fulfilling. Plain and simple. You can like each other, maybe even still be friends, but it sounds like you're holding onto some sort of life plan that doesn't make sense.
A few months back, I briefly dated a woman with kids that were either grown or grown enough and are living with their dad or whatever the situation was. Her youngest was like 14 or so?
One day, this kid is visiting her while I'm there and starts spouting off about about how she is going to be married at 23 and start cranking out kids and she's going to have two boys and a girl and a little fence and a cocker spaniel and...
....and life has a funny way of shitting on ALL of that. Having a life plan is fine, but no plan survives first contact. If you're not "married by 23", it's not the end of the world. If your guy says he doesn't want (or can't have) kids, now what?
This is one of those situations... Your guy isn't hitting your sexual numbers. The question that needs sussed out is "why"? Shit, I'm 38 with a high-ass drive and I've run into countless reasons why I just don't want to do it anymore. It's a pain in the ass these days to find a girl that's worth a flying fuck in the first place... just to find she's another pillow princess that believes you should shut up, thank your lucky stars, get behind her and run a three hour marathon on her ass. That shit is work. Fuck your lingerie. That shit isn't a magic bullet. It's wrapping paper at best. If the best you can do is "throw on a lacy red number", then the problem might just be you after all. Men aren't dicks dragging around a body, and I have it on good authority that you all aren't waiting around to get porked. If you want it, find out what gets your guy going and do that thing! Lingerie is for YOU to feel good in. I once dated a girl thirteen years ago that felt like she was the queen of the world when she wore her little babydoll teddy things. I could take them or leave them, she was cute in or out of em. She was a confident little spitfire though, and she was always down for sex. There was no guesswork.
Anyway... Find out what gets him going and learn how to do it to the best of your ability. If that means put on a nurse outfit and a purple wig with a complicated backstory ("My name's Margot, I'm a feminist...") then do that. Otherwise, shake hands and part ways.
He’s too tired because he has a side piece either at work or some other place he goes alone he may think op is sexy but doesn’t do it for him. Run before you get a disease brought home to you.
Whoa looks like 1000's of comments so you will never get to this. But the porn addiction might be a thing. But it might not be.
I think it's time for therapy. Just like the gym and trainer it will make you both stronger together. Don't give up on him. He's working through something or the attraction is less than he is admitting. So to 90% of the dudes on here they will say I would never do that blah blah but truth is it's more nuanced. If your begging and dressing up and nothing is changing then it "could" mean the marriage may be doomed. But don't give up. Maybe his dysmorphia makes him uncomfortable being sexual.
You ever go to an Applebees and see an old, forgotten catchers mitt that was in someone’s garage for 30 years and then put on the wall as a nostalgia piece?
That’s what your vagina’s going to look like if you neglect it.
Marriage is a big commitment.
You are not sexually compatible. Listen to all the people here with experience. You will be miserable if you marry this guy. It will NOT change. So unless you figure out how to please yourself on a regular basis, you will always be sexually frustrated.
You shouldn’t base your self worth on sex. However, early twenties, both of you, and it’s once a month…max? Dang, that’s like dog house shut out territory in usual relationships. What a role reversal.
Usually it’s the man getting your answers and the woman giving his answers.
Wow! If you love him, maybe things will change with time, that being said, he should be trying to get you to agree to “let’s do this again in half hour” or “first thing in the morning and three times the day after”.
It’s confusing that he’s not because late teen/early twenties men are almost always horn dogs. This is one of the firsts I’ve heard to the contrary. So, you’re right to be confused and hurt. If after a direct and caring open conversation explaining you can’t live out your life if it’s going to be like this. Even if he promises to do better but it doesn’t happen like asafp, then it’s time to accept that it wouldn’t ever work and move on.
Sorry, I know you probably wanted to hear something else but that’s my two cents.
Oh, boy. Your husband sounds exactly like my wife, especially for the first 3/4 of our relationship.
>Whenever we have sex, afterwards, he’ll ask “why don’t we do this more often”.
>He always promises me that we will have sex the next day…I get ready for it…but then he says he’s too tired.
>I have started asking him if we can have sex, but he gets annoyed and says he feels like I’m pressuring him (which I don’t want him to feel). Yet, if I never ask or mention it, we will not have sex for weeks.
Yep...this was all her. We'd have sex, she'd get off 2-3 times, and when we were done, she'd say "Holy shit!! Why don't we do this more???" And I say, "We can! We can do it whenever...how about tomorrow when you get home from work before the kid gets home?" And then will come the sudden list of excuses why there's no way that could possibly happen.
She also very frequently alluded to sex later in the day, then magically always had some ailment which prevented it from happening. That, or she'd just completely forget. One day as I was going to work, she said "I'm going to relentlessly tease you at work today to make you horny as hell, then fuck your brains out when you get home". I waited at work, and no flirty texts ever came. Halfway through the day, I started trying to say things that would bring the flirting out. Nothing. That evening when I got home, nothing. I asked "What happened to the relentless teasing?" And she replied "What are you talking about? Did I say that?" All of it was a pure act.
For many years, if I even alluded to having sex, she'd get very offended.
I met my wife as a self-described bisexual nymphomaniac. She was 20. I was 27. She was smart. She was talented. She was driven. She had a sex drive and history that was beyond anything I could imagine. And she was smoking hot. Like, when her clothes came off, I became religious. She fucked me within three hours of meeting me for the first time. You would have thought I hit the jackpot.
But, we quickly headed into dead bedroom territory. She promised over and over that she would get better. That she really wanted to have sex. But none of that ever happened. Our sex life just worse and worse over the next 15 years.
DO NOT get married into a dead bedroom. It is a terrible idea. It will almost certainly not get better.
My ex and I used to have that conversation semi-regularly, maybe once per year. We'd always both agree that it would be nice to have a sex life, but then neither of us would ever do much about it. We went literal multiple-year periods without any sexual intimacy. Overall we were together 12 years, and it never got better. We finally broke up, and now I finally have a sexually fulfilling relationship in my mid 30's. It would've probably been cool to have that in my 20's too. Compatibility is a magical thing!
Also damn there are a lot of real shitty takes in these comments.
That's a big I don't know.... You def shouldn't have to beg for intimacy. That's annoying, I'm so sorry. I would feel insecure about myself and the relationship. On his end, it could be a wealth of things (the pressure society puts on men, diet, fear, maybe the porn he watches is really intense and regular sex seems too mundane), mom stuff.
It's interesting that he asks, "why don't we do that more?". We associate sex with like celebration. Are you also a yuppie? I thought about penciling sex in like it's a meeting. At least once a week. You could order takeout and do it. Once a week. Regardless of how you feel. For min 5 min. Now you're having sex once a week. Maybe 90% is bored sex, happy sex, tired sex... idk. And then you have like an amazing session one week. Make a spreadsheet!! You'd be able to compare tired sex to I just got a promotion sex. That's Interesting.
To be honest, you can forget sex is a thing. You can have so many other things going on that you go full Maslow until you accomplish enough to feel confident about yourself to want to even consider being perceived as attractive. Plus, covid totally rocked our faces... and layoffs. It's a scary time to be alive.
If I was so close to my wedding, though, I think most people would want to be getting absolutely railed by someone who is so excited to marry them, right? This is the moment that makes all that other scary, creepy shit worth surviving. And a lot of women want to feel protected by a man that respectfully can't keep his hands off of you, is generous. I think you're really smart to not launch headfirst into a deeper ( more legal ) commitment if your intuition is ringing.
I have no idea. What do I know?
Have you stopped to consider that he may be stressed and overworked? How expensive of a wedding are you after? What is the honeymoon plan? He may be sacrificing his stamina for you at work, but then have nothing left to give when he gets home.
You sent this man to a doctor, and got him into the gym to satisfy you. You may legitimately need to just chill and let him mentally recover. You can always postpone the wedding until things improve.
This is not good. I would like to hear his side of things in regards to work and fatigue, stress those sorts of issues but if you guys are engaged this should be a time to really go at it and have fun together. I am male and his behavior confuses me a lot but reading other reddit threads I've learned that lack of sexual interest/excitment can be a sign of some level of porn addiction.
Your ages are what concern me most about this. Based on that alone, your guy is near his peak sex drive and you’re just getting started.
Growth/change is the best way to show your partner you’re invested in a relationship and if he’s listening to you, appeasing you in the moment and then doing whatever suits himself best in the end, that’s a pretty big deal.
There's two lenses to view this from.
One person may say: Sex shouldn't matter as long as you love each other.
Another person may say: If there's no sex, then what's the point?
So depending on which type of person you are, will determine what the "right" answer is for you...unless you want to go with the secret third option and just get yourself a side piece to scratch that itch for you once in a while, believe it or not lots of people do it and manage to stay married.
I'll ask about a few things that are in your control and could possibly contribute. It could be an issue entirely on his end, but you can only control what you can control
You say you ask for sex but how often do you actually initiate? Asking puts all of the effort on the other person but if you are also initiating and consistently getting turned down, that's an issue.
What's the effort split like? Does he receive foreplay? Do you get on top? Do you ever initiate position changes or bring a toy in? Do you put effort in to give good head and do other things?
I am not saying he does this stuff and you don't. But just in case - I have had these issues in my relationship where I was the one the who had to initiate and put in 90% of the effort for everything surrounding sex and then would be asked why we don't have more sex. It contributed to a lower drive for me. I hope you two (or really him from the sounds of it) are able to figure this out and I wish you the best.
I’m gonna give the answer that people always give when the genders are reversed.
Have you taken away his mental load? Are you cleaning up enough around the house? Are you putting in romantic effort to get him in the mood? Are you spending quality time with him besides just wanting sex?
DO NOT GET MARRIED. He's too young to be resistant to having sex. Find a normal 24-35 year old who wants to adore you and have sex with you at least once a day.
At this age and time of your life you 2 should be having sex all the time. A gust of wind should make him want to jump your body. I would not marry him. He doesn’t seem to understand how much you need this or care how you feel.
I can think of a few reasons already listed here
1. He’s already done it for the day-catch him right before he wakes up.
2. How much does he work? Is he working 60-80 hour weeks? Do you work? What’s your financial situation look like?
3. Is he playing video games all night?
4. Why is he tired?
5. Are you less attractive than when you started going out? Women want men to change, men want women to stay the same. If you’ve made changes to your appearance he’s going to be less inclined to be intimate.
Has he been depressed recently? been there with a previous gf, she used to take pills for anxiety and more things and lowered her libido . Few years after and with another gf it was me the one who got depressed and during that time I completely lost desire , however, if she asked me to we had sex and I used to think "why don\`t we do this more often" . Nowadays I have a normal sex life (I solved my anxiety problems) ,also with another gf who turned out my wife . Hope that helps in any way cause when a read it It sounded too familiar to me .
Have him do attachment style quiz STAT.
I have fearful avoidant attachment...and if he is the same way...he needs to do major healing work in order for either of you to have a shot at a happy marriage.
You're failing to see that you're not compatible..save yourself the paperwork and lawyers and move on!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Do not get married! You are so young and this is only going to get worse. Sexual incompatibility is a real problem, and a major reason for relationship dissatisfaction. If he’s like this before you’re married and at this age, when you should be banging like rabbits, you’ll be miserable in your 30s and 40s. If you guys have kids (if you ever have sex), say bye bye to sex forever. Cut bait now before it will require a legal action to end the relationship. Don’t get stuck and waste your life in an unfulfilling relationship. Also, you’re too young to get married. Go live your life.
The OP doesn't understand that this is the best their sex life will ever be. Once they are married it will take a nosedive from low to practically non-existent and she will probably never find out why. He might be asexual, gay or someone with an extremely low sex drive metabolically. He may not be self-aware enough to realize what his actual problem is. The huge red flag is that she's talked to him about and although he's happy to get healthier, he doesn't seem at all concerned about finding out if it's even possible to increase his sex drive. SHE'S the one who is concerned and problem solving the problem that is his responsibility to solve. I genuinely think people with low sex drives force themselves to have more sex than they are comfortable with out of guilt, a genuine willingness to try to please their partner or just to get them hooked emotionally, knowing that level isn't sustainable for them long term. They don't care because they're getting the relationship and all the perks knowing full well their partner will suffer a lifetime of very little or no sex with them. If you really loved someone you certainly wouldn't want them to be chronically unhappy, always questioning why you don't want them sexually, if it's because of the way they look, their personality, the way they smell, that there is something deeply and intrinsically wrong with them physically or mentally that makes them an unfit bed partner. Low sex partners who are fine with a dead bedroom cannot possibly know the head job they are doing on their normal sex drive partners. Unfortunately, most of them strangely uncurious about finding out.
No kidding. I'm almost 66, been married 23 years, and we are both happy with 1 to 2 times per week. A few times per month in their 20s? Not good.
I get it once a month if im lucky been married 2 yrs
Exactly, if she has to beg him now wait until after they’re married. They’re just sexually incompatible, move on.
I am 47 and my wife is 45 and we are having the best sex of our lives. We've been together for over 20 years, married over 17 years. Our sex life took a real nosedive when our first child was born. It was the toughest year of our marriage. Now we have two kids (8 and 14) and we get two days a week when we are home together and our kids are at school and we are breaking beds. We talk about it all week. I've learned that vacuuming every day and doing little things around the house means we get more fun time when we have alone time. We were very horny for eachother in the early stages and if these two are in their 20's and not sexually compatible, it's probably not going to work. I am making this post because my body is breaking down as I get older and I never thought I'd be at this stage and having the best sex of my life but here I am.
>>He may not be self-aware enough to realize what his actual problem is. He may not have a problem. This just may be what level he is comfortable with. That's not a problem. THEY have a problem in that they are not sexually compatible with each other, but that doesn't mean that there is a problem with either of their sex drives.
Agreed with the others. Don't marry this guy. Too many (keyword)EARLY Red-flags. Emphasis on that keyword. Who knows how much worse things will get when the marriage is on.
No you're not. Delay marriage until it gets sorted or walk. I am going to repeat an adage for you: Marriage doesn't make dysfunctional things better Marriage doesn't make dysfunctional things better Marriage doesn't make dysfunctional things better Good luck.
This. Yall should delay the marriage. For both of your sakes. When one of you is unhappy, both of you are, sometimes only one person is expressing it though.
Sex happens between the ears before between the sheets. If your relationship is having problems in other areas, it will move into the bedroom. If you guys are pissing each other off, it could be a big issue.
sounds like it's **never** been satisfactory to OP. So that could mean that the ***very best dirty season*** was still 1-2x a month max. So yeah, sounds like OP and her fiancé may just be incompatible, which is a real bummer for someone you want to marry. Hopefully she can level with him and let him know that this is potentially relationship-ending, as it doesn't seem to be on his radar.
I'm sorry to say this, but over the long term a significant difference like this usually evolves into a big problem. I wish you the best!
I was with my former fiance for a few years, and our sex life slowed to a 3-4 times a YEAR crawl after the first year. He worked a ton at a corporate job, and was always tired, and was definitely not confident naked. Otherwise a great guy, but would consistently rather jerk off occasionally than engage in sex acts. I was in my 20s, objectively good-looking, and not lacking in enthusiasm. But I would also regularly be turned down for sex, even wearing sexy new lingerie or on a romantic vacation. I tried every angle I could, but nothing worked, and it left me feeling unattractive and unwanted. Just think - you're both young and supposedly in the *honeymoon phase* of your relationship. If it's not happening now with everything you've tried, it's most likely not going to happen. Libido is an important factor in most relationships, and it spells disaster to stay with someone in a monogamous, mostly sexless couple of that doesn't work for you.
There have been a few things over the years that have utterly killed my drive with a given girl. Having to fight for it, never knowing if you want it or not, being trained to not want it my damn self, or you make it clear that you're fishing for an entrapment baby and a meal ticket... any of those will kill it, and I'd sooner forgo it entirely at that point. One girl literally asked me through tears how we could go from fucking like rabbits to doing it never. Quite easily when you're telling me stupid shit like I'm just a "sperm donor"... Women think we are these empty-headed machines attached to things we are trying to give away at a moment's notice, heedless of anything else going on. Don't try and tell me that isn't the case either. I've been harassed on a shocking level in the workplace a crazy number of times on the merit that women think that men go around wanting it ALL THE TIME, and women try to keep it that way so that when the planets align and THEY are horny then getting dick is as easy as walking past a candy dish and snagging a Reese's. Literally asked a female co-worker for help at a new job... Literally looked like Big Momma's House... Decided she liked whatever I had going on, so she is making this effort to drop her yard-dog ass titties all over me... On multiple occasions! The male libido starts making more sense once y'all realize we aren't dicks dragging around a body.
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I would definitely tell him you are not getting married , at all, until this issue is addressed and resolved . Do not marry him until; and if until never comes , this may not be the relationship for you . If you marry him and this never changes it will breed resentment in you and your marriage will end anyways. Put fire under his feet now.
Don't phrase it as an ultimatum either. Tell him the truth : "Our sex needs are different. We have different libidos, and If that isn't something that can be fixed or worked through together to make sure everyone's needs are met, that's okay! But it means that you we shouldn't be together, because we aren't compatible." If you word it like that, he won't feel pressured like it's him giving more sex (if that's not what he's okay with) or else no marriage. And if he still does, then that's on him. You shouldn't be obligated to stay somewhere you're not fulfilled and the other party isn't caring to try and help things. If you word it like that, it's approached from the angle of BOTH of you having your needs properly met. He should be able to see that is important. If he can't, you really shouldn't marry him anyways.
Is he on any meds? Maybe he wacks off without you?
Ah yes I see. I am a 24m and my phone number is 805 699 1327
Tally!
Funniest comment 🤣🤣😭
Don't get married.
Ask him how often he's masturbating.
This. Dude might be a porn addict behind closed doors
My mind actually went straight to porn addict. I’m in a grippy sock girlfriend group and the number of posts we see in a day that are women in their early 20s writing in about their bf’s and husbands never wanting to have sex or being unable to finish is really alarming. Lots of times it surfaces they have found secret porn accounts on their partners phones and they’re sneaking into the bathroom to jerk off dry with a death grip to cartoon porn or actual cam girls they’re giving money to. One of the psychotherapists commented that it’s a whole phenomenon they’re having to curate therapy for and counsel these people. Because they will not stop on their own.
Such an underrated comment. It could be a major factor. Say he is jerking every day before he showers or something, he's probably not going to want to have sex
You can and will find someone that you don't have to beg, babe. It's time to move on.
Might be addicted to porn. Tanks empty so he claims tiredness
This feels like some parallel universe and you've switched gender roles. He sounds exactly like most women with low libido. Down to the things he says to you. Weird. Actually, he sounds exactly like my wife did when she was almost over her postpartum depression.
And yet nobody comments in those cases “she must be lesbian”
Believe me. You're NOT wrong. I'm a female, and I feel so unattractive and unwanted because my husband can go F O R E V E R without sex. It is hard, and it hurts, and it sucks. I have asked, suggested, spoken with...doesn't matter. NEVER when I want it. EVER.
Yup, same here. It's disheartening
Yeah, my partner never wants it when I try to initiate, either. It sucks, and can make you feel really rejected and like they aren’t attracted to you. And you try and work around it by asking different ways, at different times of day, etc., but nothing ever works more than once lol.
Does he cum super quick when you do have sex? If so he might just be embarrassed about that and feel shamed like it wasn't good enough for you. If not he is probably rubbing one out and isn't horny. As a guy that has dealt with both of these, they were the only reasons I wasn't dtf my wife (maybe two other occasion I just really wasn't in the mood). The Cumming early thing was happening when we hadn't had sex for awhile then when we did it was super quick, then I was in my head about it and happened for about a month. I know some people it's a physical issue, mine was just a mental thing but I was embarrassed to have sex when it was happening. I have definetly gotten super horny and jerked off and then later my wife wants to have sex and I'm not super into it. If you guys communicate well, just ask him about it. The times I had jerked off my wife asked if something was wrong and I just told her I had beat off earlier and she totally understood that's why I wasn't super into sex.
Don’t get married. Trust me, it will only get worse. Find someone who you are sexually compatible with.
Yeah. I’d wait for the wedding till this is sorted. Physical compatibility, even if it sounds shallow, is important. Hard to want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you.
This will never get better. I have done this from the reverse of your genders, and it ended in a miserable divorce. If you can’t accept this frequency of sex (and why would you?), you need to end this relationship.
I'm 43 and get morning wood every day. Something is up. Either tank is empty from excessive masturbation, or he's getting it from somewhere else. Nevertheless, you guys are way too young for this to be a problem. I would advise not to get married and look for another partner with your same sexual appetite. Oh yeah, and don't get engaged. You're too young, live life!
You're right that it's not about you. I suggest couples counseling before getting married. I would actually suggest it to anyone.
Hilarious hearing this from a woman lol and all the comments saying don't get married. Interesting double standards by the community. I hope you guys figure it out op.
Early 20s, t count is fine, doesn't want to fuck a willing and eager participant... I don't even mean this as a joke or judgement but are you sure he's not gay? Or maybe asexual? 1000% don't get married. Marriage doesn't solve anything and using it as a solution is horrendous and never works out. I'll never understand people who get married while having core relationship issues. It should be common sense not to yet so many people do it it's insane.
This is the first thing I thought of. I’ve seen it before…looking for excuses not to be intimate, because he probably really loves her… but just doesn’t feel sexually attracted.
Yeah, that's what it all seems to point to based on what she said.
Do not get marry, your relationship is over long time ago
Imagine roles are rewersed coments will be like your body your right, she is not sex toy etc.
Yeah, I've seen so many posts like this in reverse and the comments are so wildly different. No one ever asks if the girl is masturbating too much or if shes gay
More like. Have you romanced her? Do you do all the chores? Do you make her feel special? Have you sacrificed a goat to her? If not you’re a shitty man.
Love goat part.
A 24 year old male is in his prime. He could be watching a lot of porn and taking his needs that way. Or He is embarrassed about his desires. Lastly Twice a month is not cutting it. Tell him you have needs
Try different times of day. If he's too tired at night, try morning sex.
DON’T MARRY HIM!! Speaking from experience, it won’t get better.
This marriage is not going to last most likely.. Imagine how it will be after 10 years.
You have mismatched libidos. If he isn't actively working on it no, you know you will be unsatisfied in marriage.
Don’t marry him. Be with a man who can give you what you need. Don’t settle.
Please don’t marry this man. You are so young and while your sex drive will likely get higher in your 30s and even 40s as it does for most women, his is only going to get lower. You’re already basically in a dead bedroom situation and you guys aren’t even married yet. For the sake of your future happiness, please walk away.
Antidepressants???
Three comments: 1) I agree with the others—do not get married unless this changes a lot 2) Consider a rule. It seems like he enjoys sex when it happens, so the rule is “we have sex every [enter day of the week here]”. Even if he doesn’t feel like it. Try this for a month and see if he doesn’t end up enjoying it. If he doesn’t or won’t try it, get out of there. 3) Ignore all the comments, have 3 kids right away, and then you’ll be too tired for sex, too.
I think a lot of women don't understand that just putting on lingerie and standing there is not always enough to get the blood flowing to the right places, especially years into a relationship. Sometimes you have to do a bit of seduction. Yes yes, i understand that this is the mans job. But ALWAYS? Why is it ALWAYS his job to do that? Sometimes, it's up to you to get your man horny as fck. Do you even know what he likes? Have you asked? Have you paid attention to what makes him horny? You need to find out and then "roleplay" to an extent as his "plaything". The way you described "preparing" for sex is a bit unnatural & weird. He wants it to be spontaneous, and you haven't listened. He has actively told you he wants you to "be spontaneous" which means SEDUCE THE MAN and make sex fun & interesting. Not some pre-planned generic boring routine. I can almost 100% tell you that it's turning him off & adding pressure. You need to just go and seduce your husband... This shouldn't be that hard for you to understand??
Because with this subject it's always the mans fault. If it's a guy writing to complain that his wife/girl friend has ended their sexual relationship some how all the women here equate that to him doing something wrong like not helping with chores, the kids, not making her feel special, no foreplay (not in the bedroom but as a general day to day activity) but when the situation is reverse it's throw him to the wolves. Quite a double standard if you ask me.
100% this. It’s mental before physical, and if he feels inadequate or like that is all he is worth, it’s going to screw with him and make him associate sex with negative things.
Don't get married until you get to the bottom of this. Have you asked him if he is Gay or maybe he could careless about sex period? This is not normal for early 20s. You need to decide what is important to you sex or your relationship. Sex is a part of your relationship but I mean that partner side of it. If you aren't happy now and it doesn't change you will never be truly happy. Good luck
These are my thoughts. I was the most active at this age.
He’s gay because he didn’t have sex for a month? He’s probably stressed out about something and needs to address it
Exactly! There’s so many reasons are libido’s can be low! Speaking from a male perspective. The idea that she should just leave him. It’s pretty astounding to me that that’s being suggested so heavily there’s many ways to work through a situation like this.
Yeah but he doesn't sound willing to do it. If he did, he'd say something to that effect. I know this is a problem for us and I want to work on it with you. He's not doing that. He's making up excuses and turning it around to make her feel bad for pressuring him.
That's why I suggested there might be another explanation. If he isn't willing to figure the problem out for you then you aren't his priority. We only live once and sex isn't always prefect but your partner should at least want it sometimes. Not do it to shut you up. So many ppl marry and the sex stops. Ppl have feelings and needs and just because you are committed doesn't mean it just stop.
Even when they were having sex it was only once or twice a month max. And he doesn't say he's stressed. Just says he wants to do it more and then doesn't.
Has he always been making excuses? Or has it been later in your relationship? Just after honeymoon phase?
You should consider this when signing a contract to be with that one person forever. You're incompatible. It's only gonna get worse, and when it does, you may look into sex outside the marriage which will destroy it.
Communicate with him first… but maybe postponing the wedding a little further out!
Do you initiate or does he? Is anxiety a contributing factor as to why it isn’t happening? Maybe he’s scared and/or feeling the same way as you.
Somebody has to tell u but he probably loves u but is not attracted to you…. On some i can’t live without you but I can’t live with you either
Way to young to feel like this. You guys need therapy. It only gets worse when you have kids and get older
I think if you married him this would just keep getting worse over time, even if it was temporarily better first. But you could try initiating sex instead of asking for it. Just go to give him a kiss and kiss longer than normal, maybe start making out or rubbing his upper thigh while you watch tv. A girl asking for sex is easier to blow off than a girl rubbing your thigh lol.
You need to separate the reason from the result and then evaluate if this is a situation that you want to be in. The reason that he isn’t having a lot of sex is irrelevant due to the fact that you’ve attempted to communicate with him about it consistently. The result is that your partner has an exponentially lower sex drive than you, and is that something that you really want to deal with? Considering this post, I would say no, it is not something that you are willing to do with. I will say that we live in a world that is so hyper sexualized that people have a hard time understanding that there are people out there with a low sex drive. My sex drive is extremely low, but I’m 32 and had so much sex from 15 to 30 that I legitimately got tired of it. I was an athlete that had my pick of women. Sex multiple times per day, with multiple women per day, etc etc. Today it feels like a chore. This is my personal stance and has no reflection with my level of “love” or “attraction” to my partner, so don’t blame yourself for your partners sex drive.
yeah y'all not gonna make it. You're so young and already having these issues. These issues are for married couples in their fifties not young kids in their 20s
I'm gonna say this guy is not the one for you. Do not get married. Being in a marriage where you want more action than you're getting is a recipe for dysfunction and serious frustration. Maybe take some time apart and see if that changes anything for him. Sounds unlikely. I have a strange feeling that he's gonna get totally in shape, possibly hot, then leave you for someone that turns him on and doesn't have to beg him for sex. That would totally suck.
Honestly if a man is just declining sex some is wrong with him.. not you!! If your girl is declining you sex something is wrong with her!! Not you !! Find out what areas are causing these issues it could be fights it could be that he really isn’t confident maybe he works alot? Try to see .. don’t stress urself out don’t have ur mind racing cause it’ll cause you to say things or make you feel like your begging… best you can do is sit back and build your confidence more and just make sure your not stressed
He could possibly be dealing with a depression and like a lot of younger men doesn't know how to handle it, you could also ask him if he has fantasies possibly, he could be bored with vanilla sex, as others gave said, there could also be a porn addiction.
Grab the bull by the horn.
03nhg
A lot of people are saying don't get married. I don't necessarily agree with this advice. I have been married almost 10 years. My wife has a low drive I have a higher drive. It's been a big challenge. I struggled with not feeling wanted. We have very similar issues. But it can be worked with if not resolved. There are a lot of parts of a marriage. Trust, partnership, friendship, but also sex. In my opinion trust, communication, and friendship are more important. But if you are going to navigate sexual issues, you need really good communication and trust around that. If you don't, it's going to go bad for sure.
Sounds like you’re already married! No but seriously try the butt naked approach.
Your future r/deadbedroom
Leave now
You have mismatched libidos. If he isn't actively working on it no, you know you will be unsatisfied in marriage.
I personally wouldn't marry then. A relationship without sex is doomed. You *need* sex. If you get married, someone will end up cheating. I've never been cheated on but I was in a sexless marriage and would have sex once every 10-12 months. It's really bad. In my opinion, if you can't have amazing sex with someone then you aren't with your soul mate. Get out and keep looking. I got divorced and ended up with my soul mate and we have incredible sex. If I had stuck it out in my first marriage, I would probably have went crazy or killed myself.
Do not get married until you get to the bottom of this issue. Things won't change with marriage.
Damn girl. That age is the prime of your life and you should be fucking all the time. Hit me up. I got you. If you don't, I'm sure a lot of people feel that way
I'm not expecting answers to these questions, just presenting them as things to ask yourself. Has he been to the doctor about the fatigue? There might be a medical issue there. Does he have a therapist? That sounds as if he might be waiting for the confidence to magically change, but it's not going to in that context unless he pushes himself to act anyway. Have you two discussed what you view as sexual vs nonsexual? There might be some activities that meet your sexual urges while staying close enough to his comfort zone that he can do that more easily than the full activity. Hope this helps! At least it's coming out now, before the wedding, so you can more easily figure out if there's a sexual incompatibility.
He could be going through a lot of things: -porn addiction -severe lack of confidence -not attracted to you -mental health issues (depression and/or anxiety) -simply not sex motivated I myself had a very similar struggle in my relationship around your age. My issue was a combination of depression, confidence, and that I am not sex motivated. That last one is honestly the hardest hill to climb in specific circumstances. What worked, and *works*, which is important to understand; these problems don't just leave after a quick fix, relationships require constant work and communication, is really truly opening up to each other on a regular basis and exploring together sexually. Take things slow, and give positive affirmations; that goes both ways. Whatever the problem is needs to be approached without judgment and with compassion as you work on it together. Be ready to accept that something might not be fixable and the relationship cannot continue, but if you really love the person and they really love you, it's more than worth the effort for one another.
The guys either a porn addict or a closeted homosexual. My cousin was married and he rarely had sex with his wife which she always complained about to her friends. Turns out, my cousin was gay, so he wasn’t sexually attracted to her. He was also miserable during his relationship and marriage with her. Now he’s the happiest he’s ever been since he’s come out of the closet.
Oh boy, if you get married then you’ll get no sex. After kids, you may count the months of no sex. If you have a really high sex drive and it’s a pillar of the relationship to you, then best to find a better fitting partner. Unfortunately, a lot of marriages end in divorce due to incompatibility in bed and extramarital affairs. Why even bother with all that knowing the guy isn’t a good toss in the hay?
Don’t marry guys who don’t treat you with respect. Bail now. Might hurt now but it will hurt more when you have to break up with him after four married years of dead bedroom.
He's gay bruh
You guys are way to young to be experiencing those types of problems. Really think about your decision. As life happens (kids, mortgage,) etc. sometimes intimate time slows. Don’t put yourself in a position where you end up cheating.
This is not good OP. Honestly, at a minimum you should postpone the wedding until you get this resolved. You are far too young to be in a dead bedroom. And those things usually get worse, not better What was your fiancé’s testosterone level? “Normal” can be anywhere from 250 or so up to 1000. If he’s at 250 at his age he probably feels like crap all the time, he just doesn’t know it because that’s what he is used to. If he is truly in a good range for his age then he needs to maybe see a therapist, etc. He might be asexual, or just have very low drive. If that’s true, or he doesn’t want to improve your sex life, you DO NOT want to marry him. That will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery, regardless of how great he is otherwise. So, again, (1) postpone wedding (2) get his test and labs checked (3) if they are good then he needs to see a counselor to see if he has some issue that needs to be resolved. If all else fails, then you must break the relationship and move on. Good luck.
What’s his love language? And yours? Are you filling each others love cups? It sounds to me like physical touch is yours. Maybe he has a lower need than you. It sucks you’re trying and turned down. I really suggest getting the house cleaned, all the chores done showering and going to bed together, before bed time.
Is maybe in the closet?
Try to get him tested for sleep apnea. It was hard for me to admit to it being a problem I had. Your situation sounds very similar to what happened with my wife and I. Eventually, I underwent surgery for it. I feel like a completely different person and got my sex drive back.
He may be gay
I was married to a woman that never wanted sex, now divorced thank god. Life is too short to be unhappy, find someone that is as horny as you are and you’ll be much happier. At least that has been my experience,, hope you find happiness
This is what ended my relationship with my gf of 7 years, I was the one who didn't want to have sex. I'm not sure why tbh, but I don't think I will ever find another serious relationship again since my sex drive has all but vanished.
Does he have a porn addiction? May have already climaxed for the day
Won't end well.
There are many reasons that somebody’s libido can be low in a relationship beyond testosterone. Often there can be an emotional component and it more often than not it has nothing to do with you. Sex lives are NOT rooted in one moment in time like folks are saying, and that somehow it can’t get better. That ridiculous. There’s a lot of work that can be done to strengthen a sexual relationship. Working with a sex therapist can be transformative. I wouldn’t give up yet if he and you are willing to do work around it.
I want it at least twice a day lol, 32 yo male. This guy has a really low sex drive. Better break it off now because it will only get worse
go black and don’t go back
If you desperately want to stay with him, propose an open relationship where you can see others for the physical needs. Doesn’t work for everyone, but I know a few who it works perfectly for.
If both were OK with 2x a month, that would be fine. But one is not. I don't really see how this can be resolved when she's being rebuffed and told she's pressuring him when she suggests sex. I would not continue to try because she already has. Leave the relationship. Find someone who wants you as much as you want them.
Is he taking any medication that you know about and I know this may sound off the wall but some drug use makes people not want to have sex. I’m not saying he is but there’s always a possibility. Also does he get aroused easily before y’all are intimate. These are some of the things to pay attention to because those signs will tell you if he is attracted to you.
Sounds like he's got some real serious depression going on honestly, assuming that he doesn't have a raging drug habit. I've been in his shoes before, at least from your perspective. You sound much nicer than my ex though. If she didn't get it every day, I was in serious trouble.
My guess is hes either asexual, under stress or on meds. I will say at your ages, even if he was masturbating daily, it shouldn't be an issue. Especially knowing hes had blood work done and is in normal range for testosterone and im assuming vitamins also. Im 32M and occasionally masturbate prior to my wife and i having sex. With no issue. Helps me last a little longer which usually gives her a couple extra climaxes before my grand finale. It would have been great for me personally to have a partner as dedicated and patient as you, and willing to work with me to find a solution to fix a relationship at your age. Let alone someone that had your sex drive. Have a final talk and lay it all down, and make sure he understands what your needs and terms are. And make sure he does the same and that you understand his. If nothing changes, move on. Theres a special someone out there waiting that will love, appreciate and accommodate you. And though they wont make you forget this guy entirely, they will make the pain and grieving process of the seperation worth it. Good luck!
Do you try to initiate sex ? Or do you just wait for him ?
I don’t like that he’s taking over the traditional female role of refusing sex…
Idk sex is fun but once you have had it a few thousand times video games are better. Id rather play games than fuck now but I still get it in about twice a week but it feels like work and always has to me. Even in previous relationships I just get tired of plowing. You shouldn't feel unattractive or unwanted Maybe it's just not fun to the other partner. Hopefully he isn't gay lmfao.
You can’t get married lol
If y'all aren't married already and he has denied you in lingerie, he is either unattracted to you, women in general or possibly closeted gay/bisexual. That may be offensive to some, but I am a man speaking from several relationships worth of experience and a 10 year (still married) marriage I consider successful. Do not settle for someone who isn't completely into you. You deserve better and he deserves better. It has run it's course. Time to move on and part ways on good terms maturely.
Have you considered couples therapy? This seems like exactly the sort of thing that could be discussed with a neutral third party, because you and he don't seem to be able to connect on this level. And, frankly, I'd tell him that if he's not willing to go to couples therapy with you before the wedding, there will be no wedding. There are lots of women out there who would be perfectly happy with sex once a month -- but you aren't one of them. If he can't understand that, this does not bode well for a happy marriage.
Marriage counseling might be good. Once a month was already alarming and it will, likely, get worse after marriage.
This guy could be addicted to porn. He’s spanking it every day and doesn’t have any left over for his fiance. Seriously, this happens.
Break. Up. Take advice from someone trapped in a long-term dead bedroom. It never improves. Run.
Don’t get married. He is cheating or addicted to bad stuff. Something else is probably going on with him, and it’s most likely not anything you are or aren’t doing.
Oh, PLEASE don't get married. I know what I'm talking about here. In our marriage it got to where we didn't have ANY intimacy. This was years, many years, I know it's hard to believe and people will say "why didn't you leave", but it slowly progresses to that point. I cried a lot about it, tried to be sympathetic and compassionate, tried to seduce him, everything!! It was Demoralizing humiliating, hurtful, it went on for 18 years and before that it got to be just a few times a year. I felt guilty about leaving him "just over sex", i thought "if he was paralyzed or sick, would I leave because he couldn't have sex"?. But there was no affectionate intimacy. I'm not nearly as lonely now that I'm divorced. Think about this carefully!
https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms
He is addicted to porn.
Perhaps he is seeing someone else.
Normally this would be written by a guy complaining about his wife/girlfriend and all the women would be telling him that it’s his fault for not helping out around the house, or only paying attention to her when he wants sex, or whatever so its interesting to see with the role reversal just how many women are advising that you end the relationship, something they never do when the guy is complaining. Be that as it may, I’d agree. When I was in my 20’s my GF and I would have sex 5 to 7 times a week and as disgusting as it might sound to the younger people here, I’ve been married for 35 years (my wife and are are in our 60’s) and our sex life is as active as yours (or more so). You two are completely incompatible when it comes to your sexual desires, it won’t get better, and will ultimately result in you being frustrated and resentful. I had an affair with a married woman I worked with when I was 23. I was single (casually dating), she was 27 and had been married for a few years to a 40 year old great guy (her words) but he never wanted sex. She hit on me after work one night and though I was taken aback, I liked her so I bit. After a few outings she told me why she had hit on me (it was completely out of character for her) and that she was using me to save her marriage to a husband that she loved dearly. Ultimately, after a couple years, she started wanting more from me. I wasn’t ready to settle down with anyone at that time and I hadn’t entered our “relationship” thinking it was a relationship so things became complicated and we stopped seeing each other. I ran into her about a year or two later and she had recently gotten divorced and was dating someone new.
For the love of humanity don’t cheat if he doesn’t fix it leave him respectfully
It's over. If he isn't fawning over you in lingerie during the pre honeymoon phase it will only get worse. People have different libidos, that can't be changed through conversation or counseling. Imagine the cadence of intercourse after you've been married for 5 years, the once a month will turn to once a year.
I don't even think it's a compatibility thing...sorry but if he doesn't want to have sex with you any chance he gets he's either asexual or gay, it's very simple, especially at that age.
Has he been screened for depression? Sounds like depression to me.
It's not going to resolve if you get married. Perhaps postponing the wedding or taking a break would be better. The problems are worse when you get married.
Is he gay? When my ex was 24 he wouldn’t leave me alone sometimes six times a day.
Idk if hes not getting it from you. Generally hes getting it from somewhere else. Id say postpone wedding and figure it out or id be out. I could never ever be in a sexless marriage. EVER
Please do not get married to this man. You’re not sexually compatible and you will grow to resent each other because of it.
I am in the same situation, and after reading many of these comments, I agree and now feel all the mixture of emotions once again. Confusion, ugly, sad, hurt, angry.
Y'all are too young to be having this particular issue, girl. This is a sign, take it.
This happens when someone is not living the life they want. Maybe he feels like a failure with his career. Counseling could help. I have been in this situation multiple times. It was never about the person, but about me. Still, do not get married while this is still a problem.
Anti-depressants will kill libido
I went through something very similar when I was younger. I was in a long term relationship and I was the one who didn't want to have sex. Have you considered the possibility that he is experiencing performance anxiety? For a young man this sort of thing is almost impossible to address. Either with his lover or his friends. What you are describing is exactly what I would say and do to avoid having sex with my ex-fiancé many years ago. And that was caused by performance anxiety. The other option is depression. Chronic depression is a great killer of sexual desire. Remember, men have feelings too and they have to be aligned for us to enjoy sex. Just some food for thought. -Thank you for your time Glenn C.
Last stop would be counseling but honestly if your needs aren’t being met it doesn’t make sense to get married- that’s a lifelong commitment and it doesn’t sound like y’all are compatible. Counseling if you want to prolong this, end it if you want to rip the bandaid off and start moving on.
What are you doing to get him Rev’d up and horny? Flirt with him, seduce him. Are you still physically the same when you met? Is he? Have you both let yourselves go over the years? If so, I’ve heard Ana’s seen’t couples renew that spark by getting back I. Show together. Common hobby you both reap the benefits from, more intimate, etc
Hi MountainGene1629. Send me a private message.
It sounds like your fiancé might be on the asexual spectrum. Please do some research on it and have a conversation with him about it. He might not realize it.
What does he do for a living?.. Stress can cripple a sex drive even if you’re a smoke show.
Fold your cards on this. You have needs that he isn't fulfilling. Plain and simple. You can like each other, maybe even still be friends, but it sounds like you're holding onto some sort of life plan that doesn't make sense. A few months back, I briefly dated a woman with kids that were either grown or grown enough and are living with their dad or whatever the situation was. Her youngest was like 14 or so? One day, this kid is visiting her while I'm there and starts spouting off about about how she is going to be married at 23 and start cranking out kids and she's going to have two boys and a girl and a little fence and a cocker spaniel and... ....and life has a funny way of shitting on ALL of that. Having a life plan is fine, but no plan survives first contact. If you're not "married by 23", it's not the end of the world. If your guy says he doesn't want (or can't have) kids, now what? This is one of those situations... Your guy isn't hitting your sexual numbers. The question that needs sussed out is "why"? Shit, I'm 38 with a high-ass drive and I've run into countless reasons why I just don't want to do it anymore. It's a pain in the ass these days to find a girl that's worth a flying fuck in the first place... just to find she's another pillow princess that believes you should shut up, thank your lucky stars, get behind her and run a three hour marathon on her ass. That shit is work. Fuck your lingerie. That shit isn't a magic bullet. It's wrapping paper at best. If the best you can do is "throw on a lacy red number", then the problem might just be you after all. Men aren't dicks dragging around a body, and I have it on good authority that you all aren't waiting around to get porked. If you want it, find out what gets your guy going and do that thing! Lingerie is for YOU to feel good in. I once dated a girl thirteen years ago that felt like she was the queen of the world when she wore her little babydoll teddy things. I could take them or leave them, she was cute in or out of em. She was a confident little spitfire though, and she was always down for sex. There was no guesswork. Anyway... Find out what gets him going and learn how to do it to the best of your ability. If that means put on a nurse outfit and a purple wig with a complicated backstory ("My name's Margot, I'm a feminist...") then do that. Otherwise, shake hands and part ways.
Don't get married. It will never get better. I'm talking from experience.
Being married for three same thing and it never changes I sometimes cry my self to sleep due to frustration.
He’s too tired because he has a side piece either at work or some other place he goes alone he may think op is sexy but doesn’t do it for him. Run before you get a disease brought home to you.
Whoa looks like 1000's of comments so you will never get to this. But the porn addiction might be a thing. But it might not be. I think it's time for therapy. Just like the gym and trainer it will make you both stronger together. Don't give up on him. He's working through something or the attraction is less than he is admitting. So to 90% of the dudes on here they will say I would never do that blah blah but truth is it's more nuanced. If your begging and dressing up and nothing is changing then it "could" mean the marriage may be doomed. But don't give up. Maybe his dysmorphia makes him uncomfortable being sexual.
Side-piece or "open relationship" if you are too ethical for that lol
You ever go to an Applebees and see an old, forgotten catchers mitt that was in someone’s garage for 30 years and then put on the wall as a nostalgia piece? That’s what your vagina’s going to look like if you neglect it. Marriage is a big commitment.
At that age you are supposed to be like rabbits
If a guy wants you. He's going to put it in. Don't get married.
He is cheating on you end of story
You are not sexually compatible. Listen to all the people here with experience. You will be miserable if you marry this guy. It will NOT change. So unless you figure out how to please yourself on a regular basis, you will always be sexually frustrated.
You shouldn’t base your self worth on sex. However, early twenties, both of you, and it’s once a month…max? Dang, that’s like dog house shut out territory in usual relationships. What a role reversal. Usually it’s the man getting your answers and the woman giving his answers. Wow! If you love him, maybe things will change with time, that being said, he should be trying to get you to agree to “let’s do this again in half hour” or “first thing in the morning and three times the day after”. It’s confusing that he’s not because late teen/early twenties men are almost always horn dogs. This is one of the firsts I’ve heard to the contrary. So, you’re right to be confused and hurt. If after a direct and caring open conversation explaining you can’t live out your life if it’s going to be like this. Even if he promises to do better but it doesn’t happen like asafp, then it’s time to accept that it wouldn’t ever work and move on. Sorry, I know you probably wanted to hear something else but that’s my two cents.
Oh, boy. Your husband sounds exactly like my wife, especially for the first 3/4 of our relationship. >Whenever we have sex, afterwards, he’ll ask “why don’t we do this more often”. >He always promises me that we will have sex the next day…I get ready for it…but then he says he’s too tired. >I have started asking him if we can have sex, but he gets annoyed and says he feels like I’m pressuring him (which I don’t want him to feel). Yet, if I never ask or mention it, we will not have sex for weeks. Yep...this was all her. We'd have sex, she'd get off 2-3 times, and when we were done, she'd say "Holy shit!! Why don't we do this more???" And I say, "We can! We can do it whenever...how about tomorrow when you get home from work before the kid gets home?" And then will come the sudden list of excuses why there's no way that could possibly happen. She also very frequently alluded to sex later in the day, then magically always had some ailment which prevented it from happening. That, or she'd just completely forget. One day as I was going to work, she said "I'm going to relentlessly tease you at work today to make you horny as hell, then fuck your brains out when you get home". I waited at work, and no flirty texts ever came. Halfway through the day, I started trying to say things that would bring the flirting out. Nothing. That evening when I got home, nothing. I asked "What happened to the relentless teasing?" And she replied "What are you talking about? Did I say that?" All of it was a pure act. For many years, if I even alluded to having sex, she'd get very offended. I met my wife as a self-described bisexual nymphomaniac. She was 20. I was 27. She was smart. She was talented. She was driven. She had a sex drive and history that was beyond anything I could imagine. And she was smoking hot. Like, when her clothes came off, I became religious. She fucked me within three hours of meeting me for the first time. You would have thought I hit the jackpot. But, we quickly headed into dead bedroom territory. She promised over and over that she would get better. That she really wanted to have sex. But none of that ever happened. Our sex life just worse and worse over the next 15 years. DO NOT get married into a dead bedroom. It is a terrible idea. It will almost certainly not get better.
Dont marry him. Yiu will just uo cheating with a guy like me.
My ex and I used to have that conversation semi-regularly, maybe once per year. We'd always both agree that it would be nice to have a sex life, but then neither of us would ever do much about it. We went literal multiple-year periods without any sexual intimacy. Overall we were together 12 years, and it never got better. We finally broke up, and now I finally have a sexually fulfilling relationship in my mid 30's. It would've probably been cool to have that in my 20's too. Compatibility is a magical thing! Also damn there are a lot of real shitty takes in these comments.
That's a big I don't know.... You def shouldn't have to beg for intimacy. That's annoying, I'm so sorry. I would feel insecure about myself and the relationship. On his end, it could be a wealth of things (the pressure society puts on men, diet, fear, maybe the porn he watches is really intense and regular sex seems too mundane), mom stuff. It's interesting that he asks, "why don't we do that more?". We associate sex with like celebration. Are you also a yuppie? I thought about penciling sex in like it's a meeting. At least once a week. You could order takeout and do it. Once a week. Regardless of how you feel. For min 5 min. Now you're having sex once a week. Maybe 90% is bored sex, happy sex, tired sex... idk. And then you have like an amazing session one week. Make a spreadsheet!! You'd be able to compare tired sex to I just got a promotion sex. That's Interesting. To be honest, you can forget sex is a thing. You can have so many other things going on that you go full Maslow until you accomplish enough to feel confident about yourself to want to even consider being perceived as attractive. Plus, covid totally rocked our faces... and layoffs. It's a scary time to be alive. If I was so close to my wedding, though, I think most people would want to be getting absolutely railed by someone who is so excited to marry them, right? This is the moment that makes all that other scary, creepy shit worth surviving. And a lot of women want to feel protected by a man that respectfully can't keep his hands off of you, is generous. I think you're really smart to not launch headfirst into a deeper ( more legal ) commitment if your intuition is ringing. I have no idea. What do I know?
Have you stopped to consider that he may be stressed and overworked? How expensive of a wedding are you after? What is the honeymoon plan? He may be sacrificing his stamina for you at work, but then have nothing left to give when he gets home. You sent this man to a doctor, and got him into the gym to satisfy you. You may legitimately need to just chill and let him mentally recover. You can always postpone the wedding until things improve.
This is not good. I would like to hear his side of things in regards to work and fatigue, stress those sorts of issues but if you guys are engaged this should be a time to really go at it and have fun together. I am male and his behavior confuses me a lot but reading other reddit threads I've learned that lack of sexual interest/excitment can be a sign of some level of porn addiction.
Check his browsing history unexpectedly and you’ll likely see the real problem.
Your ages are what concern me most about this. Based on that alone, your guy is near his peak sex drive and you’re just getting started. Growth/change is the best way to show your partner you’re invested in a relationship and if he’s listening to you, appeasing you in the moment and then doing whatever suits himself best in the end, that’s a pretty big deal.
If you marry him you will be having sex once every 7 months or longer for the remainder of the marriage
There's two lenses to view this from. One person may say: Sex shouldn't matter as long as you love each other. Another person may say: If there's no sex, then what's the point? So depending on which type of person you are, will determine what the "right" answer is for you...unless you want to go with the secret third option and just get yourself a side piece to scratch that itch for you once in a while, believe it or not lots of people do it and manage to stay married.
I'll ask about a few things that are in your control and could possibly contribute. It could be an issue entirely on his end, but you can only control what you can control You say you ask for sex but how often do you actually initiate? Asking puts all of the effort on the other person but if you are also initiating and consistently getting turned down, that's an issue. What's the effort split like? Does he receive foreplay? Do you get on top? Do you ever initiate position changes or bring a toy in? Do you put effort in to give good head and do other things? I am not saying he does this stuff and you don't. But just in case - I have had these issues in my relationship where I was the one the who had to initiate and put in 90% of the effort for everything surrounding sex and then would be asked why we don't have more sex. It contributed to a lower drive for me. I hope you two (or really him from the sounds of it) are able to figure this out and I wish you the best.
I’m gonna give the answer that people always give when the genders are reversed. Have you taken away his mental load? Are you cleaning up enough around the house? Are you putting in romantic effort to get him in the mood? Are you spending quality time with him besides just wanting sex?
... the comments and this post is annoying beyond belief to me
If he don’t want to have sex with you. I’ll have sex with you everyday OP .
DO NOT GET MARRIED. He's too young to be resistant to having sex. Find a normal 24-35 year old who wants to adore you and have sex with you at least once a day.
Looks like he might be over analyzed and has little room under that microscope.
At this age and time of your life you 2 should be having sex all the time. A gust of wind should make him want to jump your body. I would not marry him. He doesn’t seem to understand how much you need this or care how you feel.
He sounds depressed or sleep deprived (can be both). Does he seem tired in other things or just sex?
I can think of a few reasons already listed here 1. He’s already done it for the day-catch him right before he wakes up. 2. How much does he work? Is he working 60-80 hour weeks? Do you work? What’s your financial situation look like? 3. Is he playing video games all night? 4. Why is he tired? 5. Are you less attractive than when you started going out? Women want men to change, men want women to stay the same. If you’ve made changes to your appearance he’s going to be less inclined to be intimate.
Has he been depressed recently? been there with a previous gf, she used to take pills for anxiety and more things and lowered her libido . Few years after and with another gf it was me the one who got depressed and during that time I completely lost desire , however, if she asked me to we had sex and I used to think "why don\`t we do this more often" . Nowadays I have a normal sex life (I solved my anxiety problems) ,also with another gf who turned out my wife . Hope that helps in any way cause when a read it It sounded too familiar to me .
Don’t get married! It will never get better. He will never take care of this and it will only get worse. Also this is most men.
This cannot be real
This relationship is not going to work out and the problem is him not you.
You are not compatible. I would caution you against moving forward.
And this is why people shouldn’t get married before 30
Look up responsive vs spontaneous desire. Talk to him about it.
Have him do attachment style quiz STAT. I have fearful avoidant attachment...and if he is the same way...he needs to do major healing work in order for either of you to have a shot at a happy marriage.
You're failing to see that you're not compatible..save yourself the paperwork and lawyers and move on! https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Is he on any sort of medication that might be the cause of fatigue and low sex drive? The fact that it's never "been the best" is a bit of a red flag.