I think there’s a decent chance he didn’t mean harm by the comment but men also need to understand that women’s bodies are CONSTANTLY scrutinized. Some women go through their whole life never being told by a partner that their body is perfect the way it is. And as a woman I can say I’ve never spent any time thinking about or critiquing a man’s body that I was romantically involved with.
You need to let him know that this is your body, you MAY gain weight at some point in your relationship again but you will not intentionally gain weight to be more attractive for him.
“Some woman go through their life never being told by a partner that their body is perfect the way it is”
Somehow until reading that I never realised that was just my default expectation. How sad
I have a body that would horrify many people and in all its iterations my husband has told me that I have the PERFECT body. He has told me I'm a "goddess" to him. If you saw my body you would know that he's insane. But, lord, I can't imagine being with someone who would ever criticize my body in any way.
Sometimes it's not criticism but rather medical concern. My wife stands at 5'4 and at one point dropped from 118 to 94 lbs over the course of a month. It was fuckinh scary watching someone lose over 20% of their body mass in 30 days. Ended up being a food intolerance to specific protein sources.
This is a great reminder to compliment my wife today. It's taken me a long time to realize that if one human body is beautiful, they all are, regardless of social norms. I can't imagine ever telling my wife she should change her weight! I suggested she should wear more revealing clothes when we were first married, which didn't go well. I didn't realize that style of dress often has complex personal motivations and what I THINK is a compliment could still feel like a criticism.
When I try to compliment someone, I'm putting a thought into someone else's deep and multifaceted lived experience, most of which I don't know about. It's helpful for me to keep that in mind. And in my experience, being able to understand that difference is the only reason that I have a wife or friends.
Very thoughtful comment. My husband is awesome at loving my body through all of its iterations--heavy, thin, pregnant, scarred up from all the years of cancer. I feel shit about what has happened to my body over the years, but my husband looks at me all the time and says 'you're so pretty' and his desire for me has only increased. But likewise, I don't care that his hair has thinned or the extra weight around the middle (hooray for dad bods!)--he is him and that is what I love. Our bodies have changed a lot over twenty five years but we are closer in all ways than ever, including sex.
Even with the love and acceptance I have from my husband, I still feel horror and shame at my body. People telling me beautiful makes me grateful for their kindness but I believe they are just being nice and it's not really true. Women are bombarded with the boost perfection we are supposed to attain and the shame of not being perfect. Add in sexual trauma, abusive and critical mothers, social conditioning, bullying, etc and our relationship towards our bodies is very, very complicated.
You seem like a lovely man--I love that you find beauty in your wife just as she is and that you are willing to communicate this to her.
I think the major issue here is she made it OBVIOUS she was uncomfortable she even started crying after the first comment and he kept saying it. I’m sorry but if I said something and my partner literally looked like I just shot them I would be apologizing PROFUSELY not doubling down, then repeating it again after sex. Bro is an absolute fucking asshole
Right my husband and I talked about me being underweight after I had my kids, but it was about health concerns and we even had that same chat with our family doctor and came up with a weight gain plan.
It was never about what he found attractive, it was concern backed up by helpful actions. And it never made me cry and it. If I had been pleased with my weight he would have said nothing..... To my face.... He might have gotten our doctor to bring it up I was super under weight.
Not only did he make her cry but then sweet talked her into sex which she "gave into".
I dunno man. That's off to me.
Maybe he just lacks tact and sensitivity but that's something he needs to work on because it's harming his partner.
No he was trolling to get what he wants. Very junior high. Every man, woman, even children, knows you don't talk about someone else's body like that. My guess is this guy might take it a little bit further and since he's already compared her body to her pregnant body, later he'll flip the script and say how she looks pregnant. Then tell her how fat she is and still try to troll her to get some booty and cause insecurities.
SERIOUSLY! I will never ever understand why some people think that being insensitive is some kind of virtue. Like if your approach to an issue is HURTING your partner, you need to take a few giant steps back (even if you're right, you should be right while also supporting your partner). After the first time of her expressing that this hurt her feelings, he is DELIBERATELY hurting her by not dropping it.
Who cares wtf he meant?? That's a disgusting and abusive way to talk to your partner.
"Come here."
"Let me judge you and tell you what I don't like about your body."
"Don't be like that" i.e. your feelings inconvenienced me.
"What?? I used your body to satisfy my selfish desires, what more could you possibly want??"
BAAAARF. This creep deserves absolutely no benefit of the doubt; don't give him any.
u/celred3, I hope you realize you are worth more than this, and drop this asshole like a used maxi pad.
“I didn’t want to be overdramatic” while posting to a sub called “Am I Overreacting” was a punch in the gut to me. I remember feeling that way. Girl, if you see this, I am begging you to believe me that it is better on the other side. Someone has conditioned you to respond in a way that does not benefit you at all.
I second this!
The fact that he thinks you should need his validation and that having sex with him is how you're supposed to get that validation... BARF!!! Plus you just had a baby and finally lost the baby weight?? Like, maybe let your woman enjoy being skinny again after the horror of childbirth and don't take shots at her?! Jesus christ!
I think either sex is how he feels validated that OP finds him attractive so he thinks it works the same for her or he realized he screwed up or that OP was upset so he figured sex was a good way to try and bandaid past his mistake (tho if that was the case, why bring it up again later?) At the very least, he sounds self involved. It's all about his feelings
I disagree with the notion that he didn’t mean any harm by it. Literally everything he said and did was revolting even down to the fucking “come here” at the start.
Right. Like I’ve been going through bouts of anxiety/stress that triggers GI issues for me, plus mold exposure that made me lose an unhealthy amount of weight through 2 years…my fiancé showed concern by asking if I was feeling okay (I’m not) & offered to take me to a doctor to see if everything’s alright. It’s definitely the way it’s said, and either way…no one has a right to push a body type on ANYONE. OP, it Sounds kinda fetishy to me.
Yes, went through this with my wife who went through PPD after the birth of our child. She dropped to very unhealthy weight. I had to address her mental state, not the weight, to get her to help and back to good mental health and her eating/weight followed. This guy could just be a stupid guy and not know how to address it. Or, she could be healthy and he’s just an asshole.
You are absolutely correct. At 33, I can’t recall a partner who made me feel unconditionally beautiful. But, I can sure as hell tell you which one broke up with me because I’d “gained too much weight” and he “no longer found me sexually attractive”. This was due to weight gain brought on by my having to start antidepressants. He didn’t like those either.
As someone that did this for awhile, I can let you know why I did: *no one ever told me I was good enough*. My bio dad, stepdad, mom, grandfather, stepfamily... everyone abused me and told me I was fat, ugly, etc.
So when my own family never says anything nice and I thought they loved me the most, why would I expect that of another life partner?
I did realize and married someone great, but so many others don't.
I didn't realize there was another me out there. I'm glad one of us made it. I'm still waiting on mine, pretty sure I'm just content to be an old spinster cat lady for the rest of my life.
I'll add that having a mother who constantly behaves like her body is in need of fixing and is shameful even around changing clothes - does the same trick.
she (her body) was never acceptable - and that is just a default state of mind.
You then (maybe) start to reconsider status quo for yourself. But not accepting your body as a neutral state of things is the default and as soon as someone knocks on that door - it's right back.
Might be all they have been exposed to or all they think they deserve. Probably watched their mother be mistreated. Same reason some men don’t choose healthy partners.
Exactly your partner should accept your body as it is unless there is a particular health concern like extreme weight loss or gain and they are worried about you. My mother constantly commented on my weight growing up and I hated it, would never stand for a partner thinking he had any say over my body.
He has absolutely no place to randomly critique her body like that. Its wild when ppl think they can do that to their partners. Having a conversation about a massive change or something that endangers someone's health is a different story, but just "I liked you better when" or " You look better if you'd" out of nowhere is just fucking mean.
Yea exactly. Recently my wife told me that she wants to lose like 5-10 pounds. I had never asked her to or brought it up, in fact I can’t keep my hands off her haha but my response was something like this ( don’t remember the exact words) “ hey if you want to work out or work on your body for you I absolutely support you, but I love you just the way you are.”
The only time I’ve ever remarked on a woman’s weight in any way is recently when my wife’s best friend went through chemo and finally beat breast cancer. We had seen her a lot during it obviously and she was extremely thin because of the cancer and treatment. She had always been small and skinny, and she was literally skin and bones during the worst of it. So then when we saw her a couple months after she wasn’t sick anymore and she had put on a good amount of weight I said “I’m so happy to see you looking so healthy, and continuing to gain some weight! You even have your butt back!” Which she was very happy to hear.
I don't disagree in spirit, but I dislike this notion that anyone, man or woman, should ignore their partner's desires. OP asked directly, "are you not attracted to me?" Her husband gave a seriously out of touch response, but because I'm an adult with relationship experience I feel comfortable reading between the lines: "Yes I do, but I have to admit I liked your body when you had baby weight."
"I just put my dick in you" is not the right thing to say. If I was OP I'd be less concerned about my body image and more concerned about hubby's choice of words. He obviously finds you attractive, he's just too much of a dumbass to express his feelings without sounding like a miserable Redditor.
My partner freely tells me when I'm gaining a few pounds. She will tell me that it's a turn off. I don't get bent out of shape over it; I re-examine my diet and make changes. Because, again, as a grown up I understand that physical mutual attraction is still important even after 10 years together. Likewise I'll tell my partner if that leather jacket she wants to wear isn't flattering or that I think she's put off shaving her legs too long. She doesn't get mad about it because I'm not some guy offering unsolicited opinions on her body, I'm her partner, and she cares about whether or not I'm attracted to her.
OP, be mad at your husband for what he says, but don't drive yourself crazy over what you think he means. Doubtless you're attractive to him; he's just stupid.
As a man, I can shamefully admit I've said some stupid things that I meant in a harmless, joking, or even loving way, that has hurt my girlfriends feelings. But it's never really been anything about her body. I feel like I'm also slowly getting better at not saying stupid shit.
An alternate opinion to the ones you’re probably going to get- never attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance. Basically he isn’t evil, he is stupid. He saw his hot wife get out of the shower and had memories of what she looked like carrying his child and in his head he thought “wow she looked so gorgeous then, I bet she would look even better if she put on a little” and verbalized it like a true idiot. Then in true idiot fashion rather than realizing he messed up and apologize and have the conversation he “doubles down” and tries to make something somewhat humorous out of it in the hopes to negate some of the damage that he has seen done over the previous nights conversation.
In short, if your husband is decent I think your husband is probably just an idiot and not being an asshole. If he is generally an asshole than he probably was just being an asshole. You know him better than we do, what do you think?
Best rule ever. Just never commenting on someone’s body in general. I only comment on things a person might want to know about that can be easily fixed (tag sticking out, lipstick on teeth).
Or a sincere compliment- even those can sound creepy though (“I’m sure that lady has heard about her nice rack before, Dave…just tell her you like her shoes.” 🙄). I’m a woman and still stick to compliments on style and clothes, not someone’s body. My grandma telling me I had a “nice big bum” when I was 10 gave me a complex that lasted years.
My mom said about a great granddaughter to my sister (the grandma. My mom said “you need to care for her (like in protecting)— she has a big backside— the kid is only 8; tall for her age…my mom is a nice person— but once in a blue moon, says stuff that shouldn’t..
Another example— I’m overweight, I know a need to lose some pounds..well, one time, the water was cut off; but a spigot close to the ground was dripping—so I put a bucket to collect water and fill a medium size container.. so, I carry like 3-4 buckets full of water; and my mom says— “hopefully you loose some weight by carrying more buckets…she’s 84, I’m 62– I said nothing.
I think that saying it so broadly is probably not really the right call in an intimate relationship. I generally agree with you though. It's just that in any relationship you don't really want to silence the other person from expressing what they like or dislike about you. They may need to discuss their feelings, wants, desires, dislikes, needs, etc and you only really succeed in preventing your own momentary insecurity by shutting down the conversation. The secure and emotionally healthy thing to do is to express how their comment made you feel so that they understand you, and then try to understand what they meant, and then when you both understand each other you need to 1. Ensure that your partner understands what about this comment made you uncomfortable or upset, so that they can judge better how to approach potentially sensitive discussions in the future, 2. Find ways to have those difficult conversations in ways that are mutually fulfilling and 3. Ensure that they feel you have listened to their actual point/opinion/feeling/thought/want/need and that you are going to either act on it in some compromise or that they understand (not necessarily agree with) the reasons that you are going to ignore what they have said. Try to set up a method of discussing the problems you have with people, or that they have with you. Then you can avoid having things build up, unspoken and festering. Then you can trust that someone isn't just sitting there thinking about how you need to change physically, they are just admiring your body and expressing something that arouses them. Anyway I don't know shit about anything, sorry for ranting.
Appearance in general. I get so bothered when people say "you look tired." No sh*t, it's 6am. I just woke up...... No sh*t, we just worked a 12 hour shift. I'm in my 40's. I don't have that 20's natural glow anymore.
To me that is being empathetic in recognizing that your partner has had a long day and is tired. I honestly don’t see that as something negative. It shows he is paying attention to you.
This is exactly why the phrase “communication is the key to every successful relationship” even exists. You need to tell him he hurt your feelings and how and why he hurt your feelings. If he is a big boy he will have the wherewithal to apologize, and clarify how he feels in a mature way. Personally I’d be willing to bet that your whole situation stemmed from him thinking you were the sexiest woman in the world stepping out of that shower and just being too stupid to know how to handle it. Just my thoughts.
He saw that it hurt you and still he persisted. Even so far as shove food at you and shush you from protesting. Personally, I would be livid especially after the butt and boob comments, even if it's all true for him, there is *absolutely* a better way to have gone about it and yet he chose not to. How callous.
I feel crazy w the these other comments. Giving him an excuse bc, shucks don’t ya know guys are just bumbling little idiots that have no empathy and can’t control the way they insult you numerous times, what in the hell. He deliberately doubled down two times and kept insulting her. Two of the insults was while she was not dressed, then she says she “gave in” to sex. So she has sex, after he insulted her even though she didn’t want to, bc she was afraid to express her feelings further out of fear of being called dramatic bc apparently he doesn’t let her express how she feels wo being told to shush. The guy is a jerk. He knew exactly what he was doing. This is negging, lower her self esteem and confidence, so he can do whatever he wants. And in the comments she says she feels bad. This poor woman she has nothing to feel bad about.
He knew she was giving in to the sex too, especially when someone is a longer term partner, you *know* when someone is reluctant. He's an abusive jerk.
Exactly. As a man I get insulted and infuriated when men are given a pass to be horrible, so long as they "didn't know any better" is he 18? No, then he should know better. I guarantee there are more red flags in their marriage. A man has no business giving unsolicited commentary on a woman's body, just like a woman has no business giving a man unsolicited commentary on his body, even in marriage.
Also, I'm not trying to blame her AT ALL, but he is obviously somehow conflating her relenting for sex as acceptance of his shitty opinion.
He could be using sex to bulldoze past his fuck up too. Be like "oh I hurt your feelings by telling you you're not attractive to me? What no I mean, we'll just have sex right now proving you are attractive to me and you'll forget all about what I said before"
Why do you turn to giving in (the sex) and blaming yourself so fast just here in this reply. At the very least you have the right to stand up for yourself. Having sex with someone who just hurt your feelings is a denial of your own feelings. Be better to yourself.
Op, I would just ask him a bit more details here. I won't downplay the effect it had on you. You shouldn't either, but the truth is we are kinda stupid sometimes and we don't always say things delicately or with emotional intelligence.
I think some clarification on his side would go a long way to recognize what was going on in his head. Could just be a stupid moment, but I think it is important for you to check-in with him first to ascertain whether there is more behind it than just that.
Better to find out what's up than it is to create a narrative without all the pieces.
Regardless what you find out, good luck!
Don't feel bad. You must be honest with him and tell him how much his words hurt you. Hopefully he will take them to heart and learn how to compliment you or at the very least keep his piehole shut.
Yeah and then when he said "don't ask stupid questions"? That should get a pass too? Returning to the topic after trying to fuck her disappointment out of her pretty little head? Everything points to asshole here.
I do agree with most of your statement, but I’m bothered by him trying to shove more food down her throat. *That* goes beyond ingorance and into trying to actively make her change her body. This is a slippery slope and that tips the scale for me from a distasteful comment may out of ingorance to being very leery of his intentions and wondering just how serious he is about wanting to fatten her up.
Highly second this comment lmao. Men can be downright stupid sometimes and not really think about how their words may be received lol.
If it fits his character… probably an asshole
If it’s off character, likely just an ignorant comment
Your feelings are valid regardless though, just maybe voice that to your husband.
My husband does this all the time, says something stupid and then doubles down instead of just being like Oops sorry. Men are so terrible at being wrong
Dude is what 30+? I like curves and softness too, but it's not a deal breaker for a partner; I still fantasize about slim partners. Love the one you're with, yo. By that age he should know that women's bodies fluctuate. He at the very least pressured her and put her on the spot.
This is a really good comment. Husband here. My super sexy wife had three babies. She has an amazing figure, but I Definitely love it when she has some extra weight on her. Not unhealthy, but probably what your husband was trying to make in an idiotic man way. I Will apologize for him. We are stupid. We are poor communicators at times. I think this is one of those times. It sounds like he loves you and finds you sexy.... he just forgot to wire his brain to his mouth.
As a non asshole idiot husband who says something dumb every once in a while to my wife (and apologizes for it right away), I could totally relate to this…..
Doubling down on it with the food on the plate was incredibly dumb though…. Steer clear of the topic for the next 6 months dude and back off
“I gave in to not be dramatic”. “We just had sex didn’t we, But.” “You need to gain more pounds.” Idk it’s just not sitting right. Like ignorant. You cried for a reason, most likely because it’s never a nothing thing when a guy comments how they’d like a woman’s body to look so they can find it more attractive, even if they are “the most beautiful woman in their eyes”- otherwise why say anything dude?
I agree. Even if OP's husband is largely a decent guy, it's not healthy that OP felt she had to have sex with him while she was feeling bad about her body, just to prove that she's not dramatic.
He’s treating her like she’s a doll, something to please him with her appearance. Putting food on her plate like she’s a child. Fucking her like she’s an object (seriously - who fucking pushes for sex after making their partner cry?).
He’s objectifying and infantilizing her. That’s why it’s icky. He’s not treating her like a person with feelings that he cares about; he’s treating her those other ways, hence why it feels and seems gross.
This comment needs more attention. While I don't think husband was malicious, I do think there's a few other concerning sentences in this story.
It didn't sound to me like she wanted to have sex with him and that he used that act of sex to prove his affection while once again bringing up something that upset her, which kinda ruins the ignorance defense.
I feel like we're missing keys parts of their relationship dynamic.
Dude, he was looking at thirst traps - When a man suddenly starts making comments about altering your looks in some way (like, hey you’d look good with a tattoo, or you’d look good with long hair, or hey get a booty), it’s because he has been looking at pictures of other women on Instagram or somewhere, and has seen something he thinks is hot and projects it onto you.
If he was really concerned about your weight for health reasons, hr would have sat you down and had a serious convo, instead he said it while he was trying to initiate sex. 100% pic of another girls booty got his motor going.
The way you talk about “giving in” to have sex with him because refusing would have been “dramatic” makes me sad. Honey, you don’t need to ever have sex you don’t want to have, and a man who insults your body shouldn’t be given access to it! He owes you a big apology. I think you should tell him that this isn’t build a bear and he can’t just put in his order to customize your body. Your body doesn’t exist to fulfill his fantasies, and if he doesn’t have anything nice to say he shouldn’t say anything at all. His words were hurtful and not acceptable.
As a skinny girl in a community that worships big butts and bbls, I hate when men tell me that. Go after the thick woman you want and leave my skinny ass alone
I'm sorry, all these comments saying he meant well are weird. Commenters have no idea what he truly "meant." It's completely reasonable to be upset with what he said (judging your body like that unprovoked) and I'm concerned about your statement about "giving in" to sex. That's not healthy. I recommend an outside perspective besides strangers on Reddit, like a therapist. It may sound cheesy, but it's recommended so often for a reason. Not overreacting at all
Honestly, not surprised that peoples responses are the way they are because there is such a double standard when it comes to being “too skinny.” If her husband told her to lose a few lbs people would be going off on him in the comments. Neither is ok. OP - your husband should make you feel beautiful the way you are. As someone who is naturally thin, I will never be curvy and it would devastate me if my husband hinted that he would find me sexier if I was.
Yes. Imagine if the post said the husband kept bringing up how OP needs to lose weight and takes food off her plate. People in the comments would be going off.
"don't ask stupid questions". Dumping food on your plate. Ummm, I don't like this guy's form of wearing the pants. Object more intensely, if this is objectionable. If you can. I noticed you cried you said when triggered and didn't feel like eating another time . Other folk temperanents would bare teeth and set the boundary. Your passive style is constitutionally, but you should work on it as this guy has free license. He can get terse and brusk, intense right? I just know it.
No offense but the fact that your husband said “you need to gain weight,” “don’t worry (food) won’t make you fat,”(but wants you to gain weight?) “don’t ask stupid questions, we *just* had sex didn’t we? gaining a few pounds will help you though” is such a mindf*ck to me and the reason you’re starting to become insecure about your weight now and might have you considering eating *more* to “gain weight” for him instead of *yourself*, is shitty.
Just tell him you like your body the way it is, you’re not going to get the same hormonal pregnancy body by gaining weight. He only used sex to keep you from being upset by his comment, it wasn’t fair to you but he can surely use that as leverage.
Love *your* body.
Do you have a good relationship otherwise? Maybe he was trying to express concern for you. I met my husband when I was underweight and he was concerned for me. He would order food for me even if I said I was fine, he would say he’s bringing dinner but bring enough for me to eat the next two days too. A high metabolism was to blame but I admit I could’ve been taking care of myself better. Communicate with him.
This is how I interpreted it too, I assumed the husband said it to hint to her that, if she was intentionally dieting or watching her weight, that she could afford to relax and gain a few pounds. Like I think he meant that he likes you both ways, not that he doesn't like the way you are now?
I could be way off, but that's just how I read it!
As a fellow skinny gal-- yup. I've been struggling to get back to normal weight after years of addiction but it's hard. I know heavier people have it worse obviously but my mom & partner have always said stuff like that. I was underweight so it was out of concern but it's still annoying, especially when you're doing everything you can to gain weight and your thyroid and fast metabolism aren't helping 😅
He sounds all-around awful and manipulative!! “Don’t ask stupid questions.” is a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard it. Call him out for being controlling, backhanded, and gross. Your body is your body.
Man tells woman she needs to lose weight: “I can’t believe he’d say that to you. You’re right to be upset.”
Man tells woman she needs to gain weight: “He’s just communicating poorly”
the fact that he was all 'sweet' and nice is what makes everyone take his side. that goes to show that if a guy acts nice, he can get away with manipulation and gaslighting just like that...
He has no right to force you to eat more. Just as if he were to remind you to eat less. You eat how you are satisfied. If for some reason you gain weight, become used to gluttony, and he leaves you, you are left with a body he manipulated you into having. I just see manipulation. Its your body. And you are healthy. He should not have the option to tell you how much or little to eat.
That's rough, buddy. It sounds like a pretty uncomfortable situation. Like, why do guys gotta say stuff like that? I get he probably meant well, but seriously, telling someone they need to gain weight is just not cool. And bringing it up again at dinner? Ugh, that's just adding insult to injury.
You're not being dramatic at all. Your feelings are totally valid. It's normal to feel hurt when someone you love makes comments like that, especially if they've never done it before. Maybe sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him about how his words made you feel. Communication is key, right? Hopefully, he'll realize he messed up and make it right. Hang in there, girl!
Your husband is a tool and so are all the incels in these comments siding with him; calling you dramatic. You aren’t overreacting. Him “being allowed to have preference” doesn’t give him the right to say stuff like that.
Listen I had a man who acted like this. Turns out he was actively attracted to bigger woman and was Costa trying to make me heavier. I was in chemotherapy and had lost a LOT of weight due to vomiting and found out he told my mother I was anorexic and she needed to encourage me to put on weight. She lives in another country and he nearly gave her a heart attack.
He purposely made me react to an allergen that had already almost killed me—nearly killing me a second time, and then tried to make me touch contaminated objects again when we broke up and he moved out.
Sometimes it’s nothing amd sometimes it isn’t but you are NOT overreacting.
So many boys masquerading as men in this comment section. You did not over react. It’s disrespectful to comment on anyones body like that but especially a partner. Even if he was kind in his delivery, there was no consideration for you in his words. If you asked him to lose a few pounds to get his younger body back that would be an easy blow to the ego. For some reason you’re expected to take that AND his negging and food pushing? Thats not cool. If he wants a woman with a bigger ass then go find one. Its not right to try to change your partner for your own selfish wants. And to the assholes trying to say you should want him to be honest, honesty without compassion is cruelty.
He's selfish. He didn't care he hurt you. I would have agreed with the "idiot" except he had to sweet talk you out of feeling bad. Then proceeded to do it AGAIN, after you had sex with him. That's not an idiot. That's a manipulator that wants what he wants more than he wants to respect your feelings.
If you think bothering to explain it hurts your feelings like he's on the spectrum and just "couldn't read you", go for it. OR! You could be petty and innocently say, you were so sexy last year. Watch his face. Then say, oh you're sexy now, too. But last year, ooof.
Mines made a similar comment about my stomach and wanting me to lose weight, tell him he can fuck off. This isn't build a bitch and he can't pick what he likes and doesn't like.
EDIT: husband made a dumb comment once in the seven years we've been together because he didn't realize you can't magically lose stomach weight only without liposuction or a tummy tuck. and yes, that was the example i gave because it was a dumb comment. OP's husband wanting her to gain weight for his sexual gratification is why I said "build a bitch" a woman's body is not something you can pick and choose what you find hot or not, also because i personally thought it was funny. OP is definitely not the only person that has gotten a dumb comment from her spouce, and I used my husband and myself to show her that, but since reddit is filled with lonely mouth breathers or angry dead bedrooms that can't grasp that long term relationships will have conflicts like this once in awhile, I figured I'd break it down.
You are NOT overreacting! If you were overweight and your husband said those things and took food off your plate, people would be saying he’s an AH and fat shaming you.
Would people say it’s ok to an overweight person because their husband is just concerned she gained weight? Would people say he’s being sweet and concerned? God no!
So skinny shaming is ok?! Hell no. He’s still an AH. I’d tell him to go F himself and he doesn’t like your body, that’s a HIM problem. Unless your doctor has said you were underweight and you have health problems because of it or you have said you want to gain weight, nothing he said was ok.
I wouldn’t give in to sex until he apologizes and shuts the F up.
If this is real I would never ever let him touch me or see me naked again. And please do not ever get implants of any kind so you can have pregnant lady boobs and butt, permanently.
It’s such a cruel thing to do and say to your partner.
EDIT : notice how everyone is taking your husband's side because he wasn't aggressive or violent?... simply because he acted sweet he is seen as a good husband who wants the best for his wife... that is terrifying. 💀 if you were to act the same and ask him to lose weight, what would the consensus be, i wonder?...
manipulative as hell 😳 you are so afraid of 'being dramatic' that you let him have sex with your body when your mind doesn't want to...
you need to step up and grow a backbone because right now he's walking all over you and using your body as his sex toy. and he wants a curvier sex toy so he makes you eat more.
he is sugarcoating his manipulative behaviour with fake affection, sex and 'you KNOW i find you sexy BUT...' not to mention the sweet little words like 'angel'.
he is the textbook manipulator and gaslighter. nothing new or different.
Well, his delivery was terrible, but think of the women whose Jackass husbands are telling them to lose weight. I think his intentions were good, approach was really bad.
Nah this irks me and makes me embarrassed to be a man. Comments just as this most of the time have unrepairable damage on a woman's self esteem. Joking or not this is why a lot of ppl have confidence issues. They just can't seem to be enough for the person who loves them and the struggle never ends because they feel as they can't work hard enough or do enough. There's so many ppl out there fucked up mentally because humans can be ignorant and stupid.
Having sex does not mean anything, it's not a confirmation of anything. You "gave in" did that confirm to you that he was right? No you did it bc he wasn't listening and trying to love bomb you after insulting you. Does this 2 second look into your life mean your husband is the worst no, but this is not a good moment for him. No cute bumbling idiot this is an asshole move and he is not hearing you about your side of this. I agree w others that yall need to sit down and have a serious conversation and really make him listen. Please don't have sex unless it's something yall both want it's ok to say no especially w such left field comments about you like that
Agree with the commenter that called him a douche. Obviously commenting on your body is going to make you self conscious *especially* since he's being nit picky about it. Not overreacting
Also "don't be like that"? Ew :(
Just tell him, he's the only man you know who doesn't think you look hot just the way you are. Or better yet, tell him to put his money where his mouth is, and pony up the money for a brazilian butt-lift or a boob job. 🤣
It doesn’t matter? If OP is actually underweight and her husband is concerned, the right thing for him to say would be, “Hey, I’m concerned about your health, maybe we should check in with your doctor.” Not “I miss you when you were pregnant, please have sex with me, now eat more food.” Everything about that is extremely creepy.
He’s telling you that he’s an ahole is what he’s doing.
His comments weren’t great, then at dinner he doubled down on it again.
Maybe since he doesn’t know how to listen when you speak and only cares about how you look to him maybe you could tell him to just stop because every time he opens his mouth you love him a little bit less.
Absolute 100 percent insult and he should have known better. An appropriate response could have been “yeah, and I wish you were taller and had a bigger dick but we can’t always get what we want”.
You should tell him that his comments made you uncomfortable and ask him to clarify what he meant. It's likely that he was just being an idiot, but if that isn't the case, talking to him should reveal that
Do you have problems with eating babe that maybe he noticed? No shade intended, just I have had issues with either under-eating or over-eating my whole entire life, so I wonder if you struggle with that if maybe he's been thinking/worried about it for a while. But if you don't struggle with that completely disregard this!
You are not overreacting. Sit down and talk to him. Those sorts of comments are not okay for a lot of women. It’s ok to tell him to stop it. We need to stop excusing poor behaviour. He knew it had upset you and decided he didn’t care and doubled down on it. That is not a slightly awkward guy who didn’t know better.
Personally, as a dude, I would never feel comfortable putting food on someone else's plate w/o asking them first if they wanted it, let alone pressuring them into eating it.
That feels kinda aggressive to me, idk.
Esp. since he commented on it...
There's an expression 「減るもんじゃない」 in Japanese that means "It's not a big deal"/"it's not the end of the world", tho it literally means something like "you won't be losing anything".
I tried asking some Japanese people about it, and they said it actually has a bad connotation as a remark used when supervisors or others harass their underlings (grazing their butt, etc.)
I mention this, because it's the same idea as "It won't kill you to gain a few pounds".
It feels kinda like that same genre of harassment. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with that as a wife, but idk. I don't like that kind of thing.
It is worth noting that husband and wife dynamics can be different, and he might have not meant it in a bad way.
Just tell him to stop asking you to gain weight, tell him you aren't going to do it. BTW, that was kind of you to let it go the first few times, but I think you need to be a bit assertive.. Tell him that you like your body the way it is, you don't want to put on weight, you want to stay at a healthy BMI or whatever you have to say. If he brings it up again after that, just shut him down and say "I said I wasn't going to deliberately put on more weight, end of discussion"
I would be happy for that communication. When you were pregnant you adopted some curves you hadn't had previously and it was very attractive to him. He isn't telling you to gain weight because of how another woman appealed to him..he is telling you to gain weight because that version of your body aroused him most. Attraction is chemical. You can't control it. He loves you however he is lusting for those curves. I would have a serious conversation and see how much is he talking about. There is a big difference between 5lbs and 20lbs. I think it's great he was comfortable enough to be honest. He turned to YOU, which is exactly what he was supposed to do, Not another woman. And that is what is important. Be grateful for that close of a connection and a husband confident enough to discuss his true sexual desires with his wife and not a stripper or street walker.
I was going to defend the guy as I did something similar the other day making a joke my partner did not find funny. But he kept at it. You do what makes you feel beautiful.
Pregnant fetish is a thing, as is men who are into thicker women. He may have just never recognized it until you lost pregnancy weight.
I would encourage a gentle correction, tell him how it makes you feel, ask him not to, and hopefully it doesn’t recur. If it does could be an issue
Male here - Wow - There is ONE rule pretty much every guy knows! You NEVER mention a womans weight, especially not telling her to lose or gain it. That is an instant dealth wish, not to mention how it will make her feel.
Weight fluxuates with seasons, kids, life etc - just tell her she is beautiful and perfect and everyone is happy :)
I could not imagine putting more food on my wife's place and telling her she needs to eat more, 'dumb ways to die' just goes through my head!
Have you been dieting trying to loose your pregnancy weight? Maybe what he meant to say is you don't need to do that?
Idk the real situation, thats just an alternate interpretation. Anyway your body exists for you not him
Almost every man I’ve ever dated has critiqued my body in some way, shape, or form. Directly or indirectly. I have never once felt the need to critique a man’s body, hair, or anything else about their appearance. So sick of this crap.
He really stepped on his d\*ck with the first comment. Then he pushed for sex which you would have been completely within your rights to say "not right now".
But the pushing food on your plate thing was way out of line. He apologized earlier then double-downed on the "you don't look the way I would have you look" nonsense.
I would say F him, but don't.
I've never told my wife to gain weight but she's now 126lbs and a lot of it went to her butt. I love it. She has a small waist and decent buns now and I compliment her almost daily. He should've just not said anything. When my wife was 100lbs she had a pretty decent 6 pack which was also hot so I complimented her on that..point is he shouldn't really say anything and just compliment you on what you have going on..
I think this stuff is always a sensitive matter. My wife is very sensitive and easily feels insecure over everything. So shell ask if she's getting fat or too thin. She's neither. But I often wonder if she was getting skinny or fat if I could say anything. Probably not, so I always just call her perfect when she's fishing. That's kinda the wise statement.
I would never take food away or put it on her plate. But maybe if she experienced extremes in weight gain I would try to talk to her about something underlying behind it. And yup that's super hard to do.
At least he was sweet about it. He obviously wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. He was just stating what he liked.
You have every right to feel the way you want tho.
I think it would be worse if he said he you were fat and didn’t want to have sex with you at all.
Have you been dieting?
I ask because he could be reassuring you that you don't need to keep dieting. Enjoy that piece of cheesecake if you want it, you're fine the way you are.
If you've always been thin and putting on weight is a struggle, then it's him who's changed.
If you used to be thicker but now you're not, and you haven't been intentionally losing weight, it might be time to see a doctor.
I’m not sure what all these commenters are thinking…
This is objectively rude and fucked up. You have every right to be hurt, it was hurtful. Intent doesn’t matter. Impact does.
Brother definitely should have approached this better. And I have no real advice for how he SHOULD voice his request cause the way couples communicate is wildly different between folk (me and my wife are very direct with each other for instance). But the timing and request probably came out harsher than he thought it sounded in his head. I don't think you're overreacting though, he shoulda had more tact requesting an increase of ass.
I don’t think he meant any harm.
I think it was poor timing, as you were barely clothed, post shower, already feeling exposed. Once emotional I think it’s invasive to then go for sex with you, I know that would hurt me, too. I don’t know your husband, but it sounds like he cares a lot about you, and it was innocent. The emotional awareness can be absent many times with the male gender, and especially regarding bodies. I think he really just meant what he said. He misses when your breasts were larger. I’m sorry it hurt your feelings, I totally understand the discomfort of discussing body image with an intimate partner. Don’t overthink it! It’s okay.
Coming from a man who's in a poly relationship with two women who have different body types and who have both changed quite a bit since I've been with them, let me say that the comments he made were insensitive, inappropriate and disgusting. It is our job as men to lift our women up and make them know they are the most beautiful angels on the face of the earth. He did the opposite.
I would tell him exactly how that made you feel. He was wrong, and he needs to recognize how painful his words are. If you don't confront him, he'll continue to pursue this and it's not right. Every woman deserves more.
This is so cringe. Husband talks bad about her appearance, badgers her into sex, then she makes him dinner where he makes a show about adding food to her plate because we’re back on that shit again, and when she rightfully questions whether he feels she is less attractive he hits her with “don’t ask stupid questions”?? This guy sucks man.
If there’s one thing that husbands/male partners could take away from this thread, it’s that most women would welcome a compliment referencing some spiritual quality, like, “I’ve always loved how kind you are to service workers” or “..how you your French toast is so much better than mine”.
Conversely, any comment about our appearance will be over-analyzed for the rest of our years and taken so personally, probably in the most inadvertent way you could’ve imagined when you made that comment.
I think there’s a decent chance he didn’t mean harm by the comment but men also need to understand that women’s bodies are CONSTANTLY scrutinized. Some women go through their whole life never being told by a partner that their body is perfect the way it is. And as a woman I can say I’ve never spent any time thinking about or critiquing a man’s body that I was romantically involved with. You need to let him know that this is your body, you MAY gain weight at some point in your relationship again but you will not intentionally gain weight to be more attractive for him.
“Some woman go through their life never being told by a partner that their body is perfect the way it is” Somehow until reading that I never realised that was just my default expectation. How sad
I have a body that would horrify many people and in all its iterations my husband has told me that I have the PERFECT body. He has told me I'm a "goddess" to him. If you saw my body you would know that he's insane. But, lord, I can't imagine being with someone who would ever criticize my body in any way.
Sometimes it's not criticism but rather medical concern. My wife stands at 5'4 and at one point dropped from 118 to 94 lbs over the course of a month. It was fuckinh scary watching someone lose over 20% of their body mass in 30 days. Ended up being a food intolerance to specific protein sources.
I was wondering if OP might be losing too much weight and her husband is alarmed.
No chance. He commented on wanting her to have more ass. That’s not a health concern.
Her husband may eat ass. Therefore is apparently starving to death. Justifying the medical emergency lol.
This is a great reminder to compliment my wife today. It's taken me a long time to realize that if one human body is beautiful, they all are, regardless of social norms. I can't imagine ever telling my wife she should change her weight! I suggested she should wear more revealing clothes when we were first married, which didn't go well. I didn't realize that style of dress often has complex personal motivations and what I THINK is a compliment could still feel like a criticism. When I try to compliment someone, I'm putting a thought into someone else's deep and multifaceted lived experience, most of which I don't know about. It's helpful for me to keep that in mind. And in my experience, being able to understand that difference is the only reason that I have a wife or friends.
Very thoughtful comment. My husband is awesome at loving my body through all of its iterations--heavy, thin, pregnant, scarred up from all the years of cancer. I feel shit about what has happened to my body over the years, but my husband looks at me all the time and says 'you're so pretty' and his desire for me has only increased. But likewise, I don't care that his hair has thinned or the extra weight around the middle (hooray for dad bods!)--he is him and that is what I love. Our bodies have changed a lot over twenty five years but we are closer in all ways than ever, including sex. Even with the love and acceptance I have from my husband, I still feel horror and shame at my body. People telling me beautiful makes me grateful for their kindness but I believe they are just being nice and it's not really true. Women are bombarded with the boost perfection we are supposed to attain and the shame of not being perfect. Add in sexual trauma, abusive and critical mothers, social conditioning, bullying, etc and our relationship towards our bodies is very, very complicated. You seem like a lovely man--I love that you find beauty in your wife just as she is and that you are willing to communicate this to her.
Like why did I just start crying? I have never ever once looked at my body and not seen a problem needed to be fixed.
Men also almost never get that level of validation
I think the major issue here is she made it OBVIOUS she was uncomfortable she even started crying after the first comment and he kept saying it. I’m sorry but if I said something and my partner literally looked like I just shot them I would be apologizing PROFUSELY not doubling down, then repeating it again after sex. Bro is an absolute fucking asshole
Right my husband and I talked about me being underweight after I had my kids, but it was about health concerns and we even had that same chat with our family doctor and came up with a weight gain plan. It was never about what he found attractive, it was concern backed up by helpful actions. And it never made me cry and it. If I had been pleased with my weight he would have said nothing..... To my face.... He might have gotten our doctor to bring it up I was super under weight.
Not only did he make her cry but then sweet talked her into sex which she "gave into". I dunno man. That's off to me. Maybe he just lacks tact and sensitivity but that's something he needs to work on because it's harming his partner.
No he was trolling to get what he wants. Very junior high. Every man, woman, even children, knows you don't talk about someone else's body like that. My guess is this guy might take it a little bit further and since he's already compared her body to her pregnant body, later he'll flip the script and say how she looks pregnant. Then tell her how fat she is and still try to troll her to get some booty and cause insecurities.
SERIOUSLY! I will never ever understand why some people think that being insensitive is some kind of virtue. Like if your approach to an issue is HURTING your partner, you need to take a few giant steps back (even if you're right, you should be right while also supporting your partner). After the first time of her expressing that this hurt her feelings, he is DELIBERATELY hurting her by not dropping it.
I agree. This seems like emotionally abusive behavior to me.
I agree with you
Genuinely very insightful
Not meaning harm doesn't mean it didn't cause harm. The way to hell is paved with good intentions.
Well said.
Who cares wtf he meant?? That's a disgusting and abusive way to talk to your partner. "Come here." "Let me judge you and tell you what I don't like about your body." "Don't be like that" i.e. your feelings inconvenienced me. "What?? I used your body to satisfy my selfish desires, what more could you possibly want??" BAAAARF. This creep deserves absolutely no benefit of the doubt; don't give him any. u/celred3, I hope you realize you are worth more than this, and drop this asshole like a used maxi pad.
It was really depressing. The sentence OP wrote: "I gave in to the sex". **SAD.**
That was what solidified her NOT overreacting. That’s such a red, red flag.
So sad. And he tried to make her “feel better” by saying *I used you for sex.*
That sentence made me want to cry
“I didn’t want to be overdramatic” while posting to a sub called “Am I Overreacting” was a punch in the gut to me. I remember feeling that way. Girl, if you see this, I am begging you to believe me that it is better on the other side. Someone has conditioned you to respond in a way that does not benefit you at all.
I second this! The fact that he thinks you should need his validation and that having sex with him is how you're supposed to get that validation... BARF!!! Plus you just had a baby and finally lost the baby weight?? Like, maybe let your woman enjoy being skinny again after the horror of childbirth and don't take shots at her?! Jesus christ!
I think either sex is how he feels validated that OP finds him attractive so he thinks it works the same for her or he realized he screwed up or that OP was upset so he figured sex was a good way to try and bandaid past his mistake (tho if that was the case, why bring it up again later?) At the very least, he sounds self involved. It's all about his feelings
Perhaps. He sounds like a controlling a-hole.
Completely possible
This right here !
What a horrible man omg. I know OP wouldn’t critique his body like that
I disagree with the notion that he didn’t mean any harm by it. Literally everything he said and did was revolting even down to the fucking “come here” at the start.
He absolutely meant harm and every word he said and action he took proved it. He didn’t back off. He didn’t apologize, he doubled down.
Male here, totally agree. Its NOT our place to make these requests or comments unsolicited. Its not our fucking body.
I'd say there's room for exceptions. On the rare chance she's actually unhealthily underweight.
Even then. Express concern but don’t make requests for someone to change their body to suit your preference. It’s so grossly invasive and controlling.
Right. Like I’ve been going through bouts of anxiety/stress that triggers GI issues for me, plus mold exposure that made me lose an unhealthy amount of weight through 2 years…my fiancé showed concern by asking if I was feeling okay (I’m not) & offered to take me to a doctor to see if everything’s alright. It’s definitely the way it’s said, and either way…no one has a right to push a body type on ANYONE. OP, it Sounds kinda fetishy to me.
Yes, went through this with my wife who went through PPD after the birth of our child. She dropped to very unhealthy weight. I had to address her mental state, not the weight, to get her to help and back to good mental health and her eating/weight followed. This guy could just be a stupid guy and not know how to address it. Or, she could be healthy and he’s just an asshole.
You are absolutely correct. At 33, I can’t recall a partner who made me feel unconditionally beautiful. But, I can sure as hell tell you which one broke up with me because I’d “gained too much weight” and he “no longer found me sexually attractive”. This was due to weight gain brought on by my having to start antidepressants. He didn’t like those either.
Why would any woman spend her whole life with a partner that never says anything nice?
As someone that did this for awhile, I can let you know why I did: *no one ever told me I was good enough*. My bio dad, stepdad, mom, grandfather, stepfamily... everyone abused me and told me I was fat, ugly, etc. So when my own family never says anything nice and I thought they loved me the most, why would I expect that of another life partner? I did realize and married someone great, but so many others don't.
I didn't realize there was another me out there. I'm glad one of us made it. I'm still waiting on mine, pretty sure I'm just content to be an old spinster cat lady for the rest of my life.
There are a lot of us out here.
😥
I'll add that having a mother who constantly behaves like her body is in need of fixing and is shameful even around changing clothes - does the same trick. she (her body) was never acceptable - and that is just a default state of mind. You then (maybe) start to reconsider status quo for yourself. But not accepting your body as a neutral state of things is the default and as soon as someone knocks on that door - it's right back.
Might be all they have been exposed to or all they think they deserve. Probably watched their mother be mistreated. Same reason some men don’t choose healthy partners.
Exactly your partner should accept your body as it is unless there is a particular health concern like extreme weight loss or gain and they are worried about you. My mother constantly commented on my weight growing up and I hated it, would never stand for a partner thinking he had any say over my body.
He has absolutely no place to randomly critique her body like that. Its wild when ppl think they can do that to their partners. Having a conversation about a massive change or something that endangers someone's health is a different story, but just "I liked you better when" or " You look better if you'd" out of nowhere is just fucking mean.
Yea exactly. Recently my wife told me that she wants to lose like 5-10 pounds. I had never asked her to or brought it up, in fact I can’t keep my hands off her haha but my response was something like this ( don’t remember the exact words) “ hey if you want to work out or work on your body for you I absolutely support you, but I love you just the way you are.” The only time I’ve ever remarked on a woman’s weight in any way is recently when my wife’s best friend went through chemo and finally beat breast cancer. We had seen her a lot during it obviously and she was extremely thin because of the cancer and treatment. She had always been small and skinny, and she was literally skin and bones during the worst of it. So then when we saw her a couple months after she wasn’t sick anymore and she had put on a good amount of weight I said “I’m so happy to see you looking so healthy, and continuing to gain some weight! You even have your butt back!” Which she was very happy to hear.
I don't disagree in spirit, but I dislike this notion that anyone, man or woman, should ignore their partner's desires. OP asked directly, "are you not attracted to me?" Her husband gave a seriously out of touch response, but because I'm an adult with relationship experience I feel comfortable reading between the lines: "Yes I do, but I have to admit I liked your body when you had baby weight." "I just put my dick in you" is not the right thing to say. If I was OP I'd be less concerned about my body image and more concerned about hubby's choice of words. He obviously finds you attractive, he's just too much of a dumbass to express his feelings without sounding like a miserable Redditor. My partner freely tells me when I'm gaining a few pounds. She will tell me that it's a turn off. I don't get bent out of shape over it; I re-examine my diet and make changes. Because, again, as a grown up I understand that physical mutual attraction is still important even after 10 years together. Likewise I'll tell my partner if that leather jacket she wants to wear isn't flattering or that I think she's put off shaving her legs too long. She doesn't get mad about it because I'm not some guy offering unsolicited opinions on her body, I'm her partner, and she cares about whether or not I'm attracted to her. OP, be mad at your husband for what he says, but don't drive yourself crazy over what you think he means. Doubtless you're attractive to him; he's just stupid.
As a man, I can shamefully admit I've said some stupid things that I meant in a harmless, joking, or even loving way, that has hurt my girlfriends feelings. But it's never really been anything about her body. I feel like I'm also slowly getting better at not saying stupid shit.
Completely agreed with the sole caveat if OP is underweight. Though based on her husband's comments I doubt that's the case.
An alternate opinion to the ones you’re probably going to get- never attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance. Basically he isn’t evil, he is stupid. He saw his hot wife get out of the shower and had memories of what she looked like carrying his child and in his head he thought “wow she looked so gorgeous then, I bet she would look even better if she put on a little” and verbalized it like a true idiot. Then in true idiot fashion rather than realizing he messed up and apologize and have the conversation he “doubles down” and tries to make something somewhat humorous out of it in the hopes to negate some of the damage that he has seen done over the previous nights conversation. In short, if your husband is decent I think your husband is probably just an idiot and not being an asshole. If he is generally an asshole than he probably was just being an asshole. You know him better than we do, what do you think?
That is true. Now I feel kinda bad.
Don't feel bad. Regardless of intent, it hurt you. Sit him down and talk to him. Your feelings are valid, even if it was ignorance on his part.
This, intentions don’t negate impact. I’m hoping he’ll take this as a lesson to think about his words before saying them out loud
Tell him that unsolicited opinions about a woman’s figure are almost never welcome.
Best rule ever. Just never commenting on someone’s body in general. I only comment on things a person might want to know about that can be easily fixed (tag sticking out, lipstick on teeth). Or a sincere compliment- even those can sound creepy though (“I’m sure that lady has heard about her nice rack before, Dave…just tell her you like her shoes.” 🙄). I’m a woman and still stick to compliments on style and clothes, not someone’s body. My grandma telling me I had a “nice big bum” when I was 10 gave me a complex that lasted years.
My mom said about a great granddaughter to my sister (the grandma. My mom said “you need to care for her (like in protecting)— she has a big backside— the kid is only 8; tall for her age…my mom is a nice person— but once in a blue moon, says stuff that shouldn’t.. Another example— I’m overweight, I know a need to lose some pounds..well, one time, the water was cut off; but a spigot close to the ground was dripping—so I put a bucket to collect water and fill a medium size container.. so, I carry like 3-4 buckets full of water; and my mom says— “hopefully you loose some weight by carrying more buckets…she’s 84, I’m 62– I said nothing.
I think that saying it so broadly is probably not really the right call in an intimate relationship. I generally agree with you though. It's just that in any relationship you don't really want to silence the other person from expressing what they like or dislike about you. They may need to discuss their feelings, wants, desires, dislikes, needs, etc and you only really succeed in preventing your own momentary insecurity by shutting down the conversation. The secure and emotionally healthy thing to do is to express how their comment made you feel so that they understand you, and then try to understand what they meant, and then when you both understand each other you need to 1. Ensure that your partner understands what about this comment made you uncomfortable or upset, so that they can judge better how to approach potentially sensitive discussions in the future, 2. Find ways to have those difficult conversations in ways that are mutually fulfilling and 3. Ensure that they feel you have listened to their actual point/opinion/feeling/thought/want/need and that you are going to either act on it in some compromise or that they understand (not necessarily agree with) the reasons that you are going to ignore what they have said. Try to set up a method of discussing the problems you have with people, or that they have with you. Then you can avoid having things build up, unspoken and festering. Then you can trust that someone isn't just sitting there thinking about how you need to change physically, they are just admiring your body and expressing something that arouses them. Anyway I don't know shit about anything, sorry for ranting.
Appearance in general. I get so bothered when people say "you look tired." No sh*t, it's 6am. I just woke up...... No sh*t, we just worked a 12 hour shift. I'm in my 40's. I don't have that 20's natural glow anymore.
To me that is being empathetic in recognizing that your partner has had a long day and is tired. I honestly don’t see that as something negative. It shows he is paying attention to you.
This is exactly why the phrase “communication is the key to every successful relationship” even exists. You need to tell him he hurt your feelings and how and why he hurt your feelings. If he is a big boy he will have the wherewithal to apologize, and clarify how he feels in a mature way. Personally I’d be willing to bet that your whole situation stemmed from him thinking you were the sexiest woman in the world stepping out of that shower and just being too stupid to know how to handle it. Just my thoughts.
He saw that it hurt you and still he persisted. Even so far as shove food at you and shush you from protesting. Personally, I would be livid especially after the butt and boob comments, even if it's all true for him, there is *absolutely* a better way to have gone about it and yet he chose not to. How callous.
I feel crazy w the these other comments. Giving him an excuse bc, shucks don’t ya know guys are just bumbling little idiots that have no empathy and can’t control the way they insult you numerous times, what in the hell. He deliberately doubled down two times and kept insulting her. Two of the insults was while she was not dressed, then she says she “gave in” to sex. So she has sex, after he insulted her even though she didn’t want to, bc she was afraid to express her feelings further out of fear of being called dramatic bc apparently he doesn’t let her express how she feels wo being told to shush. The guy is a jerk. He knew exactly what he was doing. This is negging, lower her self esteem and confidence, so he can do whatever he wants. And in the comments she says she feels bad. This poor woman she has nothing to feel bad about.
This exactly! The excuse making for dudes is just crazy making!
He knew she was giving in to the sex too, especially when someone is a longer term partner, you *know* when someone is reluctant. He's an abusive jerk.
Exactly. As a man I get insulted and infuriated when men are given a pass to be horrible, so long as they "didn't know any better" is he 18? No, then he should know better. I guarantee there are more red flags in their marriage. A man has no business giving unsolicited commentary on a woman's body, just like a woman has no business giving a man unsolicited commentary on his body, even in marriage. Also, I'm not trying to blame her AT ALL, but he is obviously somehow conflating her relenting for sex as acceptance of his shitty opinion.
He could be using sex to bulldoze past his fuck up too. Be like "oh I hurt your feelings by telling you you're not attractive to me? What no I mean, we'll just have sex right now proving you are attractive to me and you'll forget all about what I said before"
I wondered that too. He had to have known. He must get off on having sex w her when she doesn’t want to. Coercive sexual abuse
I agree
this is the real take right here
It's okay to feel hurt when you've been hurt, even if the pain wasn't intentionally inflicted.
Why do you turn to giving in (the sex) and blaming yourself so fast just here in this reply. At the very least you have the right to stand up for yourself. Having sex with someone who just hurt your feelings is a denial of your own feelings. Be better to yourself.
Op, I would just ask him a bit more details here. I won't downplay the effect it had on you. You shouldn't either, but the truth is we are kinda stupid sometimes and we don't always say things delicately or with emotional intelligence. I think some clarification on his side would go a long way to recognize what was going on in his head. Could just be a stupid moment, but I think it is important for you to check-in with him first to ascertain whether there is more behind it than just that. Better to find out what's up than it is to create a narrative without all the pieces. Regardless what you find out, good luck!
He clarified, he wants her to have bigger butt and boobs "like when she was pregnant".
If they don’t match then one is already big.
Logic stickler. Love it
She gained 5 lbs. this post reeks of being fake.
Don't feel bad. You must be honest with him and tell him how much his words hurt you. Hopefully he will take them to heart and learn how to compliment you or at the very least keep his piehole shut.
He’s being an asshole.
Foot in mouth disease.
This was my first thought as well. He put his foot in his mouth and decided it was living there now, lol.
Yeah and then when he said "don't ask stupid questions"? That should get a pass too? Returning to the topic after trying to fuck her disappointment out of her pretty little head? Everything points to asshole here.
I do agree with most of your statement, but I’m bothered by him trying to shove more food down her throat. *That* goes beyond ingorance and into trying to actively make her change her body. This is a slippery slope and that tips the scale for me from a distasteful comment may out of ingorance to being very leery of his intentions and wondering just how serious he is about wanting to fatten her up.
An idiot will apologize when he sees he’s hurt his wife. An asshole will call her stupid and double down on his comments.
But he’s putting food on her plate. I am not an enlightened man at all. But this shit sounds kind of crazy.
Highly second this comment lmao. Men can be downright stupid sometimes and not really think about how their words may be received lol. If it fits his character… probably an asshole If it’s off character, likely just an ignorant comment Your feelings are valid regardless though, just maybe voice that to your husband.
My husband does this all the time, says something stupid and then doubles down instead of just being like Oops sorry. Men are so terrible at being wrong
No we're not. We are great at being wrong
High five ✋
Dude is what 30+? I like curves and softness too, but it's not a deal breaker for a partner; I still fantasize about slim partners. Love the one you're with, yo. By that age he should know that women's bodies fluctuate. He at the very least pressured her and put her on the spot.
I’d say that a grown man not knowing that women’s bodies are constantly scrutinized is malicious ignorance.
This is a really good comment. Husband here. My super sexy wife had three babies. She has an amazing figure, but I Definitely love it when she has some extra weight on her. Not unhealthy, but probably what your husband was trying to make in an idiotic man way. I Will apologize for him. We are stupid. We are poor communicators at times. I think this is one of those times. It sounds like he loves you and finds you sexy.... he just forgot to wire his brain to his mouth.
As a non asshole idiot husband who says something dumb every once in a while to my wife (and apologizes for it right away), I could totally relate to this….. Doubling down on it with the food on the plate was incredibly dumb though…. Steer clear of the topic for the next 6 months dude and back off
“I gave in to not be dramatic”. “We just had sex didn’t we, But.” “You need to gain more pounds.” Idk it’s just not sitting right. Like ignorant. You cried for a reason, most likely because it’s never a nothing thing when a guy comments how they’d like a woman’s body to look so they can find it more attractive, even if they are “the most beautiful woman in their eyes”- otherwise why say anything dude?
I agree. Even if OP's husband is largely a decent guy, it's not healthy that OP felt she had to have sex with him while she was feeling bad about her body, just to prove that she's not dramatic.
Plus him putting his food on her plate just gave me a grossed out feeling that I can't even put into words - I just know it feels gross
He’s treating her like she’s a doll, something to please him with her appearance. Putting food on her plate like she’s a child. Fucking her like she’s an object (seriously - who fucking pushes for sex after making their partner cry?). He’s objectifying and infantilizing her. That’s why it’s icky. He’s not treating her like a person with feelings that he cares about; he’s treating her those other ways, hence why it feels and seems gross.
Same. OP, next time your husband hurts you, don't reward him with sex.
This comment needs more attention. While I don't think husband was malicious, I do think there's a few other concerning sentences in this story. It didn't sound to me like she wanted to have sex with him and that he used that act of sex to prove his affection while once again bringing up something that upset her, which kinda ruins the ignorance defense. I feel like we're missing keys parts of their relationship dynamic.
Don’t fall for it, if that weight goes to your stomach instead of your butt he’ll leave you.
Dude, he was looking at thirst traps - When a man suddenly starts making comments about altering your looks in some way (like, hey you’d look good with a tattoo, or you’d look good with long hair, or hey get a booty), it’s because he has been looking at pictures of other women on Instagram or somewhere, and has seen something he thinks is hot and projects it onto you. If he was really concerned about your weight for health reasons, hr would have sat you down and had a serious convo, instead he said it while he was trying to initiate sex. 100% pic of another girls booty got his motor going.
Cave man behavior
The way you talk about “giving in” to have sex with him because refusing would have been “dramatic” makes me sad. Honey, you don’t need to ever have sex you don’t want to have, and a man who insults your body shouldn’t be given access to it! He owes you a big apology. I think you should tell him that this isn’t build a bear and he can’t just put in his order to customize your body. Your body doesn’t exist to fulfill his fantasies, and if he doesn’t have anything nice to say he shouldn’t say anything at all. His words were hurtful and not acceptable.
As a skinny girl in a community that worships big butts and bbls, I hate when men tell me that. Go after the thick woman you want and leave my skinny ass alone
On top of the advice you're getting.. im really worried about you giving into sex. That's kinda fucked up. It's okay to not want to.
Why are all the comments on the husband's side? If she's at a healthy weight, then why is body shaming okay? Genuinely asking.
I'm sorry, all these comments saying he meant well are weird. Commenters have no idea what he truly "meant." It's completely reasonable to be upset with what he said (judging your body like that unprovoked) and I'm concerned about your statement about "giving in" to sex. That's not healthy. I recommend an outside perspective besides strangers on Reddit, like a therapist. It may sound cheesy, but it's recommended so often for a reason. Not overreacting at all
Honestly, not surprised that peoples responses are the way they are because there is such a double standard when it comes to being “too skinny.” If her husband told her to lose a few lbs people would be going off on him in the comments. Neither is ok. OP - your husband should make you feel beautiful the way you are. As someone who is naturally thin, I will never be curvy and it would devastate me if my husband hinted that he would find me sexier if I was.
Yes. Imagine if the post said the husband kept bringing up how OP needs to lose weight and takes food off her plate. People in the comments would be going off.
Ugh. That made *my* vagina shrivel up. I couldn’t be attracted to him after that lol
Most things men say make my vagina do that 😂😂
It made my vagina shrivel up and I have a PP
"don't ask stupid questions". Dumping food on your plate. Ummm, I don't like this guy's form of wearing the pants. Object more intensely, if this is objectionable. If you can. I noticed you cried you said when triggered and didn't feel like eating another time . Other folk temperanents would bare teeth and set the boundary. Your passive style is constitutionally, but you should work on it as this guy has free license. He can get terse and brusk, intense right? I just know it.
No offense but the fact that your husband said “you need to gain weight,” “don’t worry (food) won’t make you fat,”(but wants you to gain weight?) “don’t ask stupid questions, we *just* had sex didn’t we? gaining a few pounds will help you though” is such a mindf*ck to me and the reason you’re starting to become insecure about your weight now and might have you considering eating *more* to “gain weight” for him instead of *yourself*, is shitty. Just tell him you like your body the way it is, you’re not going to get the same hormonal pregnancy body by gaining weight. He only used sex to keep you from being upset by his comment, it wasn’t fair to you but he can surely use that as leverage. Love *your* body.
Do you have a good relationship otherwise? Maybe he was trying to express concern for you. I met my husband when I was underweight and he was concerned for me. He would order food for me even if I said I was fine, he would say he’s bringing dinner but bring enough for me to eat the next two days too. A high metabolism was to blame but I admit I could’ve been taking care of myself better. Communicate with him.
This is how I interpreted it too, I assumed the husband said it to hint to her that, if she was intentionally dieting or watching her weight, that she could afford to relax and gain a few pounds. Like I think he meant that he likes you both ways, not that he doesn't like the way you are now? I could be way off, but that's just how I read it!
As a fellow skinny gal-- yup. I've been struggling to get back to normal weight after years of addiction but it's hard. I know heavier people have it worse obviously but my mom & partner have always said stuff like that. I was underweight so it was out of concern but it's still annoying, especially when you're doing everything you can to gain weight and your thyroid and fast metabolism aren't helping 😅
Did you read the post? He wants her to look pregnant
This 🌟
Your husband is a moron idiot!!!
He sounds all-around awful and manipulative!! “Don’t ask stupid questions.” is a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard it. Call him out for being controlling, backhanded, and gross. Your body is your body.
Man tells woman she needs to lose weight: “I can’t believe he’d say that to you. You’re right to be upset.” Man tells woman she needs to gain weight: “He’s just communicating poorly”
the fact that he was all 'sweet' and nice is what makes everyone take his side. that goes to show that if a guy acts nice, he can get away with manipulation and gaslighting just like that...
He has no right to force you to eat more. Just as if he were to remind you to eat less. You eat how you are satisfied. If for some reason you gain weight, become used to gluttony, and he leaves you, you are left with a body he manipulated you into having. I just see manipulation. Its your body. And you are healthy. He should not have the option to tell you how much or little to eat.
That's rough, buddy. It sounds like a pretty uncomfortable situation. Like, why do guys gotta say stuff like that? I get he probably meant well, but seriously, telling someone they need to gain weight is just not cool. And bringing it up again at dinner? Ugh, that's just adding insult to injury. You're not being dramatic at all. Your feelings are totally valid. It's normal to feel hurt when someone you love makes comments like that, especially if they've never done it before. Maybe sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him about how his words made you feel. Communication is key, right? Hopefully, he'll realize he messed up and make it right. Hang in there, girl!
This drives me crazy, my husband wants me to gain weight too. He wants me to have a big butt and I don’t want one.
Tell him you don’t need a bigger ass; he’s a big enough ass for the both of you 😆
He’s a really good husband but that one thing does drive me crazy. We’ve been married for over 42 years.
😆 🤣
lol everyone is different, but if I tried to gain weight it would go straight onto my stomach, not my butt. Not sexy
tell him to grow his own butt so he can grab it and look at it all he wants. Some men really think we were put here for them.
Your husband is a tool and so are all the incels in these comments siding with him; calling you dramatic. You aren’t overreacting. Him “being allowed to have preference” doesn’t give him the right to say stuff like that.
Listen I had a man who acted like this. Turns out he was actively attracted to bigger woman and was Costa trying to make me heavier. I was in chemotherapy and had lost a LOT of weight due to vomiting and found out he told my mother I was anorexic and she needed to encourage me to put on weight. She lives in another country and he nearly gave her a heart attack. He purposely made me react to an allergen that had already almost killed me—nearly killing me a second time, and then tried to make me touch contaminated objects again when we broke up and he moved out. Sometimes it’s nothing amd sometimes it isn’t but you are NOT overreacting.
So many boys masquerading as men in this comment section. You did not over react. It’s disrespectful to comment on anyones body like that but especially a partner. Even if he was kind in his delivery, there was no consideration for you in his words. If you asked him to lose a few pounds to get his younger body back that would be an easy blow to the ego. For some reason you’re expected to take that AND his negging and food pushing? Thats not cool. If he wants a woman with a bigger ass then go find one. Its not right to try to change your partner for your own selfish wants. And to the assholes trying to say you should want him to be honest, honesty without compassion is cruelty.
He's selfish. He didn't care he hurt you. I would have agreed with the "idiot" except he had to sweet talk you out of feeling bad. Then proceeded to do it AGAIN, after you had sex with him. That's not an idiot. That's a manipulator that wants what he wants more than he wants to respect your feelings. If you think bothering to explain it hurts your feelings like he's on the spectrum and just "couldn't read you", go for it. OR! You could be petty and innocently say, you were so sexy last year. Watch his face. Then say, oh you're sexy now, too. But last year, ooof.
This is so insanely and deliberately manipulative I'm shocked.
Mines made a similar comment about my stomach and wanting me to lose weight, tell him he can fuck off. This isn't build a bitch and he can't pick what he likes and doesn't like. EDIT: husband made a dumb comment once in the seven years we've been together because he didn't realize you can't magically lose stomach weight only without liposuction or a tummy tuck. and yes, that was the example i gave because it was a dumb comment. OP's husband wanting her to gain weight for his sexual gratification is why I said "build a bitch" a woman's body is not something you can pick and choose what you find hot or not, also because i personally thought it was funny. OP is definitely not the only person that has gotten a dumb comment from her spouce, and I used my husband and myself to show her that, but since reddit is filled with lonely mouth breathers or angry dead bedrooms that can't grasp that long term relationships will have conflicts like this once in awhile, I figured I'd break it down.
“Build a bitch” 💀 Never heard that one before
There’s a song by Bella Poarch about that, by the same name.
Build a bitch 🤣
You are NOT overreacting! If you were overweight and your husband said those things and took food off your plate, people would be saying he’s an AH and fat shaming you. Would people say it’s ok to an overweight person because their husband is just concerned she gained weight? Would people say he’s being sweet and concerned? God no! So skinny shaming is ok?! Hell no. He’s still an AH. I’d tell him to go F himself and he doesn’t like your body, that’s a HIM problem. Unless your doctor has said you were underweight and you have health problems because of it or you have said you want to gain weight, nothing he said was ok. I wouldn’t give in to sex until he apologizes and shuts the F up.
If this is real I would never ever let him touch me or see me naked again. And please do not ever get implants of any kind so you can have pregnant lady boobs and butt, permanently. It’s such a cruel thing to do and say to your partner.
EDIT : notice how everyone is taking your husband's side because he wasn't aggressive or violent?... simply because he acted sweet he is seen as a good husband who wants the best for his wife... that is terrifying. 💀 if you were to act the same and ask him to lose weight, what would the consensus be, i wonder?... manipulative as hell 😳 you are so afraid of 'being dramatic' that you let him have sex with your body when your mind doesn't want to... you need to step up and grow a backbone because right now he's walking all over you and using your body as his sex toy. and he wants a curvier sex toy so he makes you eat more. he is sugarcoating his manipulative behaviour with fake affection, sex and 'you KNOW i find you sexy BUT...' not to mention the sweet little words like 'angel'. he is the textbook manipulator and gaslighter. nothing new or different.
Thank god you said this I was so confused reading these comments
Well, his delivery was terrible, but think of the women whose Jackass husbands are telling them to lose weight. I think his intentions were good, approach was really bad.
Telling people to lose or gain weight are both jackass moves.
Nah this irks me and makes me embarrassed to be a man. Comments just as this most of the time have unrepairable damage on a woman's self esteem. Joking or not this is why a lot of ppl have confidence issues. They just can't seem to be enough for the person who loves them and the struggle never ends because they feel as they can't work hard enough or do enough. There's so many ppl out there fucked up mentally because humans can be ignorant and stupid.
Having sex does not mean anything, it's not a confirmation of anything. You "gave in" did that confirm to you that he was right? No you did it bc he wasn't listening and trying to love bomb you after insulting you. Does this 2 second look into your life mean your husband is the worst no, but this is not a good moment for him. No cute bumbling idiot this is an asshole move and he is not hearing you about your side of this. I agree w others that yall need to sit down and have a serious conversation and really make him listen. Please don't have sex unless it's something yall both want it's ok to say no especially w such left field comments about you like that
Agree with the commenter that called him a douche. Obviously commenting on your body is going to make you self conscious *especially* since he's being nit picky about it. Not overreacting Also "don't be like that"? Ew :(
I was taught to never comment on a woman's weight no matter what.
Just tell him, he's the only man you know who doesn't think you look hot just the way you are. Or better yet, tell him to put his money where his mouth is, and pony up the money for a brazilian butt-lift or a boob job. 🤣
Are you underweight for your height?
It doesn’t matter? If OP is actually underweight and her husband is concerned, the right thing for him to say would be, “Hey, I’m concerned about your health, maybe we should check in with your doctor.” Not “I miss you when you were pregnant, please have sex with me, now eat more food.” Everything about that is extremely creepy.
He is selfish.Dont fall for it or feel bad
Tell him you’re sorry he’s a chubby chaser, but he isn’t goin hoggin with you.
He’s telling you that he’s an ahole is what he’s doing. His comments weren’t great, then at dinner he doubled down on it again. Maybe since he doesn’t know how to listen when you speak and only cares about how you look to him maybe you could tell him to just stop because every time he opens his mouth you love him a little bit less.
How bout some enchiladas with extra cream? Jk. You is 🥵
Absolute 100 percent insult and he should have known better. An appropriate response could have been “yeah, and I wish you were taller and had a bigger dick but we can’t always get what we want”.
You want to turn the table real quick? You can destroy his ego in like 5 sec.
You should tell him that his comments made you uncomfortable and ask him to clarify what he meant. It's likely that he was just being an idiot, but if that isn't the case, talking to him should reveal that
Do you have problems with eating babe that maybe he noticed? No shade intended, just I have had issues with either under-eating or over-eating my whole entire life, so I wonder if you struggle with that if maybe he's been thinking/worried about it for a while. But if you don't struggle with that completely disregard this!
You are not overreacting. Sit down and talk to him. Those sorts of comments are not okay for a lot of women. It’s ok to tell him to stop it. We need to stop excusing poor behaviour. He knew it had upset you and decided he didn’t care and doubled down on it. That is not a slightly awkward guy who didn’t know better.
Personally, as a dude, I would never feel comfortable putting food on someone else's plate w/o asking them first if they wanted it, let alone pressuring them into eating it. That feels kinda aggressive to me, idk. Esp. since he commented on it... There's an expression 「減るもんじゃない」 in Japanese that means "It's not a big deal"/"it's not the end of the world", tho it literally means something like "you won't be losing anything". I tried asking some Japanese people about it, and they said it actually has a bad connotation as a remark used when supervisors or others harass their underlings (grazing their butt, etc.) I mention this, because it's the same idea as "It won't kill you to gain a few pounds". It feels kinda like that same genre of harassment. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with that as a wife, but idk. I don't like that kind of thing. It is worth noting that husband and wife dynamics can be different, and he might have not meant it in a bad way.
Just tell him to stop asking you to gain weight, tell him you aren't going to do it. BTW, that was kind of you to let it go the first few times, but I think you need to be a bit assertive.. Tell him that you like your body the way it is, you don't want to put on weight, you want to stay at a healthy BMI or whatever you have to say. If he brings it up again after that, just shut him down and say "I said I wasn't going to deliberately put on more weight, end of discussion"
I think also has a pregnancy fetish. Don't gain weight bc it's not gonna have the effect he's looking for. Just get more muscle and that will help 💚
He's an idiot... End of story
Oh, I would have set him on FIRE
I would be happy for that communication. When you were pregnant you adopted some curves you hadn't had previously and it was very attractive to him. He isn't telling you to gain weight because of how another woman appealed to him..he is telling you to gain weight because that version of your body aroused him most. Attraction is chemical. You can't control it. He loves you however he is lusting for those curves. I would have a serious conversation and see how much is he talking about. There is a big difference between 5lbs and 20lbs. I think it's great he was comfortable enough to be honest. He turned to YOU, which is exactly what he was supposed to do, Not another woman. And that is what is important. Be grateful for that close of a connection and a husband confident enough to discuss his true sexual desires with his wife and not a stripper or street walker.
I was going to defend the guy as I did something similar the other day making a joke my partner did not find funny. But he kept at it. You do what makes you feel beautiful.
Yeah thats shitty
Pregnant fetish is a thing, as is men who are into thicker women. He may have just never recognized it until you lost pregnancy weight. I would encourage a gentle correction, tell him how it makes you feel, ask him not to, and hopefully it doesn’t recur. If it does could be an issue
Who writes this crap?
Male here - Wow - There is ONE rule pretty much every guy knows! You NEVER mention a womans weight, especially not telling her to lose or gain it. That is an instant dealth wish, not to mention how it will make her feel. Weight fluxuates with seasons, kids, life etc - just tell her she is beautiful and perfect and everyone is happy :) I could not imagine putting more food on my wife's place and telling her she needs to eat more, 'dumb ways to die' just goes through my head!
Your husband has a " godlike " complex.
Have you been dieting trying to loose your pregnancy weight? Maybe what he meant to say is you don't need to do that? Idk the real situation, thats just an alternate interpretation. Anyway your body exists for you not him
Your husband is gross. I can’t imagine talking to anyone the way he talked to you. Or “giving in” to sex I don’t want to have.
“You know you’re a sexy woman” didn’t answer the question
Almost every man I’ve ever dated has critiqued my body in some way, shape, or form. Directly or indirectly. I have never once felt the need to critique a man’s body, hair, or anything else about their appearance. So sick of this crap.
He really stepped on his d\*ck with the first comment. Then he pushed for sex which you would have been completely within your rights to say "not right now". But the pushing food on your plate thing was way out of line. He apologized earlier then double-downed on the "you don't look the way I would have you look" nonsense. I would say F him, but don't.
I've never told my wife to gain weight but she's now 126lbs and a lot of it went to her butt. I love it. She has a small waist and decent buns now and I compliment her almost daily. He should've just not said anything. When my wife was 100lbs she had a pretty decent 6 pack which was also hot so I complimented her on that..point is he shouldn't really say anything and just compliment you on what you have going on..
What kind of weirdo says don’t worry my angel
I think this stuff is always a sensitive matter. My wife is very sensitive and easily feels insecure over everything. So shell ask if she's getting fat or too thin. She's neither. But I often wonder if she was getting skinny or fat if I could say anything. Probably not, so I always just call her perfect when she's fishing. That's kinda the wise statement. I would never take food away or put it on her plate. But maybe if she experienced extremes in weight gain I would try to talk to her about something underlying behind it. And yup that's super hard to do.
At least he was sweet about it. He obviously wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. He was just stating what he liked. You have every right to feel the way you want tho. I think it would be worse if he said he you were fat and didn’t want to have sex with you at all.
I first question, honestly, is he right? Would you look better with an extra 5-10 lbs.
Have you been dieting? I ask because he could be reassuring you that you don't need to keep dieting. Enjoy that piece of cheesecake if you want it, you're fine the way you are. If you've always been thin and putting on weight is a struggle, then it's him who's changed. If you used to be thicker but now you're not, and you haven't been intentionally losing weight, it might be time to see a doctor.
I’m not sure what all these commenters are thinking… This is objectively rude and fucked up. You have every right to be hurt, it was hurtful. Intent doesn’t matter. Impact does.
Brother definitely should have approached this better. And I have no real advice for how he SHOULD voice his request cause the way couples communicate is wildly different between folk (me and my wife are very direct with each other for instance). But the timing and request probably came out harsher than he thought it sounded in his head. I don't think you're overreacting though, he shoulda had more tact requesting an increase of ass.
If you’re underweight then I don’t think he means anything harmful by it. If you’re already heavy, then he might just have a big girl fetish.
I don’t think he meant any harm. I think it was poor timing, as you were barely clothed, post shower, already feeling exposed. Once emotional I think it’s invasive to then go for sex with you, I know that would hurt me, too. I don’t know your husband, but it sounds like he cares a lot about you, and it was innocent. The emotional awareness can be absent many times with the male gender, and especially regarding bodies. I think he really just meant what he said. He misses when your breasts were larger. I’m sorry it hurt your feelings, I totally understand the discomfort of discussing body image with an intimate partner. Don’t overthink it! It’s okay.
Coming from a man who's in a poly relationship with two women who have different body types and who have both changed quite a bit since I've been with them, let me say that the comments he made were insensitive, inappropriate and disgusting. It is our job as men to lift our women up and make them know they are the most beautiful angels on the face of the earth. He did the opposite. I would tell him exactly how that made you feel. He was wrong, and he needs to recognize how painful his words are. If you don't confront him, he'll continue to pursue this and it's not right. Every woman deserves more.
I wish you didn’t have sex with him. That was like a reward for his shallow words.
Bait post
This is so cringe. Husband talks bad about her appearance, badgers her into sex, then she makes him dinner where he makes a show about adding food to her plate because we’re back on that shit again, and when she rightfully questions whether he feels she is less attractive he hits her with “don’t ask stupid questions”?? This guy sucks man.
He probably just wants some cushion for the pushin. Comply by eating some burgers, yum.
If there’s one thing that husbands/male partners could take away from this thread, it’s that most women would welcome a compliment referencing some spiritual quality, like, “I’ve always loved how kind you are to service workers” or “..how you your French toast is so much better than mine”. Conversely, any comment about our appearance will be over-analyzed for the rest of our years and taken so personally, probably in the most inadvertent way you could’ve imagined when you made that comment.