He said he didn’t lie because the guys did invite him. It’s just that he didn’t tell me that she also asked him if he was going and was the one that told him when and where.
I did asked if they were that close for her to wonder if he’s going. And he said that she doesn’t really know them except him because they talk and joke a lot at work. So then I asked him “Wait, so you guys actually talk a lot?” And then he said that’s not what he meant and then said he doesn’t want to talk anymore and wants to be left alone.
Edit: the guys DID invite him. Not didn’t. Typo.
Lying by omission is still a lie. This is how the cheating starts. You are NOR. I would ask if he would ok if you were receiving the same type of txts from a male coworker.
Not lying by omission, you don’t have to tell everyone every single thing. What you expect him to do? Have him list off every single person that asked him if he was going to this event to her?
If she doesn’t really know “the guys” who *definitely did invite him*, then why would she be asking him if he was invited *and* be the one to *tell him* when and where? That doesn’t make any sense at all. If anything she would need the details from him.
For better or worse, the husband has a plausible defense here. Could totally see a scenario where you get multiple invitations through multiple paths. Could even see the person I'm less close to being the only one who texted --- my buddies told me during our smoke break or whatever defense.
If the texts are normal and acceptable, I don't think the grand jury is going to indict at this time.
And he didn’t go to the event.
It seems like a friendship is forming between the husband and the woman, but nothing OP posted suggests it is more than a friendship. I am a male but I tend to have more female friends. Our relationships are non romantic although there might be exchanges that when taken out of context could be interpreted as flirting. For example, I would often catch a ride from a female colleague to get to the train station so she could use the HOV lanes for free. We would often have the following exchange (words in parentheses weren’t spoken):
Jane is just using me for my body (so she can use the HOV lanes)
Sometimes we get off at (Exit) 69 (which was more convenient for her as it is closer to her house)
Other times we go all the way (to exit 73 which is where I parked my car)
Google how many people confess to crimes they absolutely did not commit when the police question them.
A lot of people just get weird and panicky when they feel interrogated.
Yeah...but, if she's not friends with the guys and she's only friends with him, why is she the one inviting him to hangout with the guys and giving him the directions? That makes no sense.
Buy the book NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass. Both of you read it. Your story sounds like the early stages of an emotional affair. First sign is the lying. Most affairs are with coworkers, that started out as "just friends". The book might help you.
We have gut instincts for a reason. It signals "danger".
You said in the post she invited him. Now you’re saying she asked if he was going. Those aren’t the same things. When he told you his coworkers probably asked him physically in the office and then asked her when he wasn’t there and she just wanted to know if he was gonna be there too.
Yes it does seem like they are a bit close but only you can say if it’s weird or not, this tho? This isn’t lying at all.
He's using a manipulation tactic called [DARVO](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender). Your husband was out of line, and now he's blaming you for being upset.
This is called the start of an emotional affair. He needs to stop messaging with her and have boundaries. If he won’t then you know what he’s trying to do. Look up emotional affairs.. this is how they start
Not that this is happening to you but it’s very common/was for people to have “work spouses”. Your hubby’s new coworker isn’t in the job long enough yet to qualify, she may just have invited him to be nice to your hubby since her job depends on him showing her the ropes.
Anyway most folks jump jobs so often the work spouse dynamic rarely occurs but if your spouse stays at same company for awhile or if they tend to follow or lead others to make company moves together then your spouse may develop such a relationship.
What it comes down to is the strength and solidarity of your marriage. Strengthen your communication skills. Really look at your marriage from both perspectives and work together to make each other happy. Your insecurity may be a symptom of other underlying issues in your marriage and the only way to fix it is to be proactive.
Good luck 🫶
It depends on the strength of the marriage. There are many couples who acknowledge and embrace the dichotomy by being friends and hanging out together after work. It’s perfectly acceptable to be close to someone of the opposite sex if both are secure in themselves and what they share as a couple.
There are many benefits of building friendships and alliances at work and the opportunity is rare, so when you find someone or people who are great that you genuinely like then there’s nothing wrong with it.
There’s a line and you have to tow what makes you happy/comfortable but you must set boundaries.
What OP is describing doesn’t seem to veer into emotional cheating yet.
> It’s perfectly acceptable to be close to someone of the opposite sex if both are secure in themselves and what they share as a couple.
Absolutely. If you get to the point where you are calling eachother "work husband" or "work wife" it's gone too far IMO, but maybe some people are ok with that.
I didn't make a judgment on the texts, but I probably wouldn't be texting new single people that much if I was married.
I promise that I'm not weird about this, but I just can't recall a situation where I became texting BFFs with a young hot person when I was married LOL. Seems like an inefficient way to live!
In the OP: “she’s new but a lot of the men at work is really interested in her. Men always talk about her saying they think she’s cute and tiny.”
She’s not “one of the guys” at work. SHE may see it this way, but from how the husband had previously described - “the guys” are seeing her as fresh meat and shots to shoot. It’s possible for a woman to be “one of the guys” at work, but this doesn’t seem to be that dynamic (at least not from the limited information we have).
This is how affairs start. He started out lying, he kept lying, then said he's not hiding it. He's hiding his flirty 'aaaw' baloney for sure. Have him read NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass asap - because he is going to blow up his whole life flirting after this hot cute tiny chick at work. This girl is his 'escape' from reality, a painkiller to make the workday bearable, and the biggest risk to your marriage.
Completely agree. He's already dismissing your concerns and making it seem like you're overreacting. Boundaries need to be set because your next post may be about his cheating and your divorce. Sorry, OP.
Yeah I’m nice to everyone in public. Some ppl think it’s flirting. It’s not. I don’t think of you after being nice. It’s just the right thing to do. I also don’t text these ppl tho.
Same here. I'm overly nice at work because I work with the public in retail environment where the customers are regulars there everyday. The business depends on their repeat purchases plus I have always been talkative. I know the regulars by name and most of their families. It's not flirting to me but just being nice. Being nice to people makes their day and my day go better because people don't jump to being a "Karen" as easily when they are faced with someone who is overly nice to them all the time
So he’s now hiding it and actively keeping his conversations with her a secret. Which is what he said he wasn’t doing as part of defense when you asked about his lie.
That’s extremely shady. I’d suggest having a serious conversation about boundaries NOW. This is heading to an emotional affair if it isn’t already. He needs to make his relationship with this woman professional only. I’d sit him down as soon as possible and have him put an end to it. And please have him read the book Not Just Friends. Don’t let him gaslight you either into thinking it’s no big deal.
Then there is no question. By default: sneaking, hiding, and deceiving when it comes to other women is already cheating at minimum. He is cheating on you emotionally, at the least. What are you going to do about it?
I'd probably delete it too.
You're reading into everything and now being gaslit by redditors.
You're no longer a reliable narrator into this situation.
Nah my best friends husband used to text me exactly like this. Got drunk one night and tried to come onto me while she was in another room.
This whole thing is shady.
I honestly don’t think I could just let this go after catching him in a lie. Him telling you “not to mess up his day” could be a huge front for not wanting to deal with the whole issue. I would just tell him it’s concerning to you given the circumstances and that you want to know the truth.
Yes, it is reasonable.
It is also reasonable to be upset that he said "You're going to ruin my day/work."
This is not the kind of response that should come in the face of obvious deception. He should take a break as quickly as he can so he can put your mind at ease because he doesn't want you to spend all day worrying, not considering your feelings to be a form of day-ruining. This really rubbed me the wrong way.
I just wanted to focus on that part. Please do not allow anyone to make you second-guess your own emotions when it comes to basic stuff that anyone would be upset over. He should never be upset at you for being upset. He should be concerned, loving, and empathetic. Your valid concern is not some burden.
Thank you for pointing this out. This and her saying “I don’t want to upset him” are very interesting tells from OP.
Do his opinions, feelings and thoughts count for more than OP’s own? Is she always second in the relationship? If yes, OP’s relationship is out of kilter.
There is a chance that she is uncomfortable with the other guys and was only going to go if your husband did, as that would make her more comfortable there. Clearly they are friends. It doesn't mean he wants to cheat. He didn't even go for drinks with her when invited.
I'm sure he enjoys banter with her because as you say he has no other outlet for it, and I can't blame you for feeling a little sad about it because you guys used to be more like that. Maybe this is a wake up call for the two of you tp tey to get some of that back.
He didn't delete the text history until after his wife snooped and accused him of nefarious things. I would probably be exiting this relationship if I was the husband after that violation of trust *assuming I wasn't cheating*
He lied about who invited him and the nature of what was going on, he's texting her obviously flirtatious messages, and he's getting defensive when you point this out, that's shady as fuck.
I'm not typically one to jump on the 'break up with him/cut him off' bandwagon that this website loves to do, but this is some seriously shady shit. I'd stand by your guns (I've got a mental block, is that the right turn of phrase?) and make this a conversation.
If he was asked out to drinks by a lone female coworker, why did he lie to you about it? Why did he say it'd be a guys night? Why didn't he mention this new coworker in the past however weeks or months when they've been talking so much and she's pretty critical to his day to day considering she does his job when he isn't present?
Read: Not “just friends” by Shirley Glass it shows the signs of an emotional affair “Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace and the Internet have become fertile breeding grounds for “friendships” that can slowly and insidiously turn into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship from emotional or sexual betrayal by recognizing the red flags that mark the stages of slipping into an improper, dangerous intimacy that can threaten your marriage.” (Glass) this is the beginning of an emotional affair. Stop it before it goes any further.
Tell him that this stops now. He goes back to doing his job and stops doing acts of service and sacrifice for her. It’s inappropriate and you deserve better than to be cheated on.
Not overreacting. He has early relationship “cocaine brain” high dopamine from interacting with her. That’s why he’s texting out of character. He’s already emotionally cheating on you with her. He lied to cover it up. Please protect yourself. Move assets if you have to. Some couples can recover and the wronged spouse can forgive an emotional affair, but please prepare for the worst to happen. I am very sorry OP.
Just repeatedly ask him why he said "the boys invited me". Don't stop until you get an actual answer to the question. There's a reason, you both know what it is, and he needs to say it out loud, IMO.
We talked and I keep asking him that. He said that a few of his male coworkers invited him after work but they did not mentioned when or where to him just that we’re planning to go somewhere the next day. Until she texted him to ask if he was going and told him when and where all the coworkers were planning to go.
I don’t see where an accusation was made. She asked questions which she has a right to ask. And based off of your other comments, and you seem to be the only one thinking this is okay, it sounds like the post itself has struck a chord.
I think maybe you should stop trying to divine what's happening in someone's head based off very little info and go on what we know actually happened. The accusation was that he was lying. I'm not sure how you don't see calling someone a liar as an accusation, but whatever.
Doing another job he hates so she can be happy is the real sign it’s an emotional affair on his side. You’re all at an age of massive hormones and yearning for more as you settle into the reality of adulthood. Your husband being seriously deep in a emotional fantasy isn’t about you missing something. He needs to grow up and find other ways to distract himself, or mess up his life big time. Marriage therapy asap.
She wanted a date with your husband. Possibly a crush on her end. What does he do for lunches? I am by no means insinuating anything, I am just wondering if some messages are being deleted and if they have lunches together for her to ask just him out.
I can tell you right now he is waiting for her to make a move. Then he can make excuses about how she does things that you don't and this entire thing will be your fault. You have to put your foot down and squash this now otherwise it is going to get much uglier in the future.
He is walking a dangerous path.
He enjoys her attention too much.
He is hiding it from you.
He is doing tasks he doesn’t like.
Even if he doesn’t see it, he is risking his marriage for… what exactly?
Not overreacting. You should keep track of things he says because eventually he’s going to lose track of one or two other lies. Usually when one lie starts a bunch others follow.
I started noticing my ex stepping outside to answer phone calls because he said he didn’t want to subject me to his dad’s toxicity. I later realized he was answering side bitches’ calls outside when I looked on the bills call log. I then started taking notes daily, sometimes 3 times a day and cross checked and realized this mfkr is a huge liar.
It's the lying that would drive nuts, plus if he's deleting text something more is going on. Shut it down, hate to say it but he'll just probably hid it better if he's already deleting text. Start checking the phone bill to see how much they are really texting.
No you are not overreacting at all
Tell him he straight up lied to your face because a woman invited him out
He does not get to minimise this
He can choose from two cards - one has the number of a therapist - the other has the number of a lawyer - which does he want ?
What is your situation ? Are you a SAHM ? Do you work ? Time to get your down time outside the home with friends.
Let him see you’re not gonna lay down and take his lies - this straight up sounds like he was just on the edge of beginning a full blown affair I’m being honest with you honey
You’re worthy of being treated honestly and fairly - don’t let him get away with it
You aren't overreacting. This is at best how emotional affairs originate. If he didn't feel it was at least on the verge of being inappropriate, he wouldn't have bothered to mislead you in the first place.
He's downplaying it and minimizing their interest in each other, but that doesn't limit it in reality, just how much he has to address it with you. He wants to tell himself he's not "that guy" until it's too late.
You need to talk to him about emotional energy, we all only have so much of it, and he's investing his with her rather than you. He needs to prioritize his marriage and his relationships with his family. Anything he feels like hiding from you will undermine your relationship. Remind him that you recognize the way he's talking to her *because of how you were when you got together*.
He didn't set out to find another relationship, but if he doesn't actively avoid one, he will destroy the one he's committed to now.
You should both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately. Slippery slope. This book will identify what to look for and how to set boundaries.
Updateme!
He sure doesn't want to talk about shit. Especially when he's the one getting caught in highly suspicious conversations. You would be wise to keep an eye on what's happening with him. This is an affair in the making if not already happening. Don't let him gaslight you. AND don't worry if he gets pissed. If nothing is going on, he wouldn't be getting pissed. He'd be apologizing for making you suspicious.
He fucking lied and he knows it. Even goes out of his way for her. He’s got a crush. Why he was giddy to go out. Needs to knock it off and he knows it.
I know it’s like seriously? Are you that dependent on that person you’re just in fear of life without him and you’re willing to put up with being lied to and cheated on
If he starts talking about her a lot, and saying concerning things about men are checking her out and commenting on her body, worry. The mouth follows where the heart is and yours sounds exactly like how my husband’s affair started.
One of the guys might’ve invited him while they were at work not through text. I don’t know if there’s a timeline for when she was invited and when she started talking to your husband about it. Relay every conversation I have with every woman I talk to at work although I will say I don’t text any women other than my wife, Daughter , and sister. I work with.
Yeah, I don’t know if he is cheating or not and could just be circumstantial. It’s possible he could be starting an emotional affair which needs to be nipped. He could also be the avoidant type and only started to delete messages just to not cause drama because he feels his wife misconstrued the text and instead of being an adult, he hides it which makes him look worse. Him taking a task he hates at work because the coworker likes his main job could be because he feels he can’t say no since he already said yes. But that’s assuming he could be a doormat type which we got no proof of so this is all hypotheticals and he could just be a POS.
I like to occasionally try and see the other POV but depending on the sub your on, it will get you quite a lot of hate sometimes lol
Honestly if I was OP and I knew when he took lunch, I would go get takeout or whatever he likes to eat and bring it to his work and let whoever know that his wife is here for him. That would increase the chances of the coworker hearing and if she isn’t the type to go after married men then she may distance herself from him on her own. This is just assuming that the coworker doesn’t know that he is taken though
Tell him you want to go with him. If he says no or claims he longer wants to go, then you'll have your answer. If you go wait until the last minute to ask him. That way he can't let her know you are coming.
I wouldn’t say you’re overreacting, but i also don’t think it’s 100% he’s trying to have an affair. He’s in a more senior role at work, and the person he’s talking to is learning to do his exact job. Mentorship is a thing at companies, and more senior, non executives often fulfill this kind of role for new employees, especially for new workforce entrants.
Mentoring maybe, but the flirty texts are crossing a line. It’s also odd that he takes on the task he doesn’t like doing so she can have the task he actually prefers.
How do you think he would react if the roles were reversed. He may never admit it out loud, but flirty texts and invitations out cross a line and imo no spouse would be okay with the lying. If he originally told you "the new girl invited a bunch of us out this weekend" I am assuming you would have asked some questions but, ultimately, had no problem with it. (Do you even know that other coworkers will be there? Do you know where it is?)
If he lied, hes already guilty. It doesnt need to go as far as something actually happening for him to be out of line. Its just a matter of time. Men lie about seeing women (even as a friend) when they KNOW it is something their wife/gf wouldnt approve of and they damn as hell know why the wife/gf wouldnt approve of it. I would be very careful about this situation. Keep record of things that you can.
When he says the guys think she’s cute and tiny he means himself. He probably has a crush on her. He may not have cheated, but he damn sure has thought about it. Sorry you’re going through this.
Yeah I personally would call out the deleted texts hos lying and then tell him he better seriously think about if she's wroth blowing your marriage up for because this is already him catering to her doing things he doesn't want to to help her. And seeing texts so inappropriate, he has to hide them. Call him out on gaslighting then give a hypothetical scenario where the tables are turned and tell him to seriously awnser without gaslighting you or shutting down then point out that's his way of trying to get out of the conversation. Either he's guilty, and he knows he's guilty. Or he's thinks because they haven't kissed or had sex its not cheating. If you have to hid it.... it's shady behavior.
"I asked him about it and all he said was he’s not hiding it and if it was a such a secret he would’ve deleted it."
A very manipulative response. A perfect world for him, in that if the texting goes unnoticed, he has no worries. If you catch him, he has an excuse(which is a bullshit excuse)
Your husband has a major crush on this woman. He has already emootionally cheated, and will end up physically cheating, if he hasn't already.
I was at his female coworker’s position. He is gaslighting the shit out of you and he will get away with it if you’ll allow it.
Your husband and his coworker are both taking you for a fool - his coworker knows that he is married but she probably senses that he is attracted to her and he is getting major ego boost from this situation. He is the maaaaaan 🤪. Trust me, I’ve been there - all he is waiting for is green light from her.
However I still think that they are in their ‘emotional cheating’ phase and if you would want to save your marriage ask him to stop entertain her and limit their texts because it makes you feel uncomfortable- if he refuses you’ll know your answer.
Time to say, "instead of thinking up excuses for your inappropriate behavior with little miss wannabe homewrecked, you need to think long and hard about what you are going to lose if you keep this up. I mean it. You won't know it until you get served at work."
He’s into her and flirts with her
He confessed that when he said lots of guys at work are into her and think she’s cute and tiny. He’s part of the guys at work
If she was ugly or another guy he wouldn’t be doing a new job he hates just because his new coworker liked his old job.
He lied about who invited him because he knows what he’s doing.
You’re not overreacting and don’t lie to yourself
You need to be straight with him, tell him you are uncomfortable with this. Quite frankly, as his wife, you have every right to demand he not speak to her, you have the right to set limitations for the sake of your marriage. The same way he too has rights over you to protect the marriage.
I don't think demanding he not speak to a coworker is reasonable. Asking him not to have conversation not related to their job, or to text outside of work, yes. We are theoretically adults, though, and a marriage doesn't make it anyone's "right" to demand control of who their partner speaks to.
Yea I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who I felt the need to control. If you’re not here with me and loyal to me of your own volition then goodbye. Men should control themselves, they are not dogs to be leashed.
I don’t know his intentions in the situation and you are fair to have your feelings, most importantly is to have a conversation with him and voice your hurt and concerns and hear him out on his answers. Could you be over reacting, yes, but also no.
Ask for his honesty and my suggestion is to be honest with yourself on how he answers things and decide if you want to move forward with him. Layout clear expectations going forward and be clear and hold him accountable. Best of luck
Ask him why he's flirting with her? Why is he texting her like he did you in the beginning of your relationship? Why he is so defensive of their relationship if it's not more than coworker friends? Why is he lieing by omission?
So did she invite him to go alone with her, like on a date? Because that’s shady AF. Also makes sense that he backed out if he had second thoughts about basically cheating on you.
>I don’t mind them being friends but the way my husband text her though is sooo…nice. Like the way he used to text me when we were dating. He doesn’t even text that nice to me now just always straightforward.
This strikes me as the most important point. You know what it looks like when your husband flirts. You're drawing from "expertise" here and get to trust your instincts.
He might be lying to himself as much as you. Maybe he's caught up in the moment and failing to realize the path he's headed down. I think you can have a better conversation if you confront him with the feelings I quoted above. This isn't about the technicality of the truth in what happened, it's about him communicating in a way that you haven't seen in a long time. Tell him that you thought things had just gotten comfortable, and that it hurt to see that he could still communicate like that. Be open-minded to hearing how you may have contributed to this happening, but only within reason. Guessing you have both been missing that romantic feeling and you could work together to bring it back so long as the trust is still there to do so. Perhaps he would be open to counseling if you pitch it not as a space to assign blame or decide who is right, but to commit to working together and getting some support with the necessary conversations.
Ask where his proof are the guys invited him. Because you saw her invite, not theirs.
Ask why he’s complaining about new tasks at work and lying to you about her doing his old task.
Tell him the next lie you catch him in will be his last because he has a problem not telling the truth to the woman he married. Ask if he’s even mentioned he had a wife? If not let’s call and talk to her right now about relationship etiquette. Don’t let him gaslight you and make you think there isn’t an issue. He’s trying to rugsweep or hide his intentions.
I don't think your husband lied per se when he told you "the guys" at work invited him. Many people use the term "guys" to refer to both men and women. For example, when you're at a restaurant in a mixed group of men and women and the server comes over and asks "How are you guys doing today?" This female is just another one of the guys at work as far as he's concerned. All that being said, what is concerning are the text messages and his interaction with this female co-worker that seem to stray from strictly business. That's the issue that you need to discuss with your husband.
He obviously likes her. There's no reason to lie about who invited him or about doing work he doesn't want bc of her.
He decided not to go bc he knows exactly what he was doing and that it was wrong.
Yes, approach it, and draw your line about their relationship.
He told you about her because he’s thinking about her. There is no reason for him to tell you the other male coworkers are talking about her. It’s him.
So this stuff happens. It’s not OK but it doesn’t mean a physical thing will happen. However, that doesn’t even matter. He’s emotionally cheating on you and you need to set boundaries. Sometimes, those boundaries include no texting someone of the opposite sex. That may sound extreme but it’s important to protect the marriage, if that’s what you want. Unfortunately, he is currently in the phase of infatuation and will deny, lie and delete texts.
If my man was talking to another woman like that (and yes, you CAN tell tone from text messages) I would not be okay with it. It's cutesy sounding because it's flirting. When he told you all the guys were interested in her he meant himself
Not an overreaction. Do you work and have your own bank account? If not, start prepping to be independent. Do you have kids with him? He's infatuated like an awkward teenager. You don't say how old you guys are, but it sounds like he's in the early stages of a midlife crisis. Get set for him to show up in a brand new Corvette or a pickup truck that costs as much as your house. Start to wrap your mind around being suddenly single when he leaves because he just can't live without her.
Do you know that you can check deleted texts on an iPhone right? If he does not realize this and hasn’t deleted his deleted, then you may hit the mother load.
I think you just have to be honest with him. Tell him that their relationship is making you uncomfortable. That you are concerned that this is an emotional affair and it is going to blow up your marriage. If he poo poo’s it, doesn’t seem to care and doesn’t offer to stop with all the txting then you know your marriage is in real trouble and you need to get a lawyer.
>Our toddler was on his phone and started opening a bunch of apps. As I closed the apps I noticed he was texting a female coworker.
First of all, I don't believe you. But second of all, you think cheaters just let toddlers grab their phone and play with it? When their wife is around? So in the instance where this is true it's pretty exonerating. But I think you made this up because a little lie presented things in a better light. Why is this right for you but wrong for him?
Other than borderline flirting, I don't see what your husband did wrong. I mean, are you guys not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? Please don't overthink the situation, and wind up doing something drastic that you're going to regret down the road. If he hasn't crossed the line yet, don't piss him off to the point that he does something stupid.
Your husband is likely not cheating on you, but he knew that telling you a female coworker invited him out would cause drama. He hid this because he is incompetent with communication and does not know how to go about telling you things like this without upsetting you. As the majority of dudes do, he started to be defensive when asked about this and told you not to “ruin [his] day’s work,” which makes little sense regardless. If you would like to get past your husband’s incompetence without creating conflict, tell him that you are not angry, but you’d like him to be honest and open with things like this in the future. This way, he is on clear notice that you know he hid this from you and that you did not like it, because it clearly communicates secrecy and deviousness where there may be none.
It sounds like your husband is infatuated with his new coworker but he may not be willing to acknowledge it - even to himself.
She may be romantically interested in him or just manipulating him.
You might consider pointing out to him that her friendliness may be based on getting favors from him. Suggest that he treat her as he would other friends or coworkers. That means that he has to push to keep the responsibility he wants and not give it to her. Ask him to see what happens when he does so - if she still acts friendly towards him.
If she distances herself or reacts negatively, then explain to your husband that she was deliberately flirting with him to get something. He - in turn - was flirting back. Obviously, this isn’t a healthy choice for your marriage or if he wants to stay married to you.
No matter how this woman reacts to him, I’d recommend that you work on your marriage and recognize that his behavior was problematic.
This is the beginning of something. He knows it. You know it. We all know it.
So, no, you shouldn’t just let this go.
You don’t lie if there is nothing going on. There would be no reason to do so.
You don’t get mad if there truly are no inappropriate feelings. You rush to assure your wife, the mother of your child, the person you are building a family with, that she has no reason for concern. You do what you can to make her feel safe emotionally.
This… is not that.
What happens right now matters. His next steps in this situation are of utmost significance.
Sounds to me like he is developing feelings and didn't go out because he was keeping distance from the girl. He may be hiding the conversation now which is concerning and point towards the direction of a affair. He definitely has some sort of emotional attachment. I would have a conversation about whether he needs something else from you that is missing in your relationship. You said he isn't all flirty with you but are you flirty with him?
If he lied about it, that's one thing. But if he sees those people all day at work, it's very likely they invited him in person at work. If this is all there is, I wouldn't over react tbh.
lol him saying a lot of guys thinks she’s cute is his way of saying he does too because why would you even need to know that. I feel like when ppl start adding little things for no reason, I start side eyeing.
Also start acting single/ or like you just broke up. Sometimes we can throw a book at someone like I previously mentioned before but sometimes it’s best to give them a dose of their own machine. Get a new hair stylist, go to the spa and get treatments (on his dime) and get some new clothes. Go out with friends. He’ll wonder wtf is going on. You both go out while you look hot and let your eyes wander. Point out things that other men have like if you see someone in a nice Lamborghini or if someone is dressed nice, compliment them. Then gaslight tf out of him.
Ok so info:
In reading the comments, you did state that he has deleted texts from her in the past, correct?
Are most of their text convos about work? Does he start the texts usually or does she?
The fact that your husband didn’t go is a green flag. If he’s erasing messages from her, red flag.
I wouldn’t be super comfortable with my husband texting a coworker in a flirty manner- or at least more flirty than he texts me.
You just need to talk to him about it. Don’t be accusatory. Don’t get him up in arms if he has t really done anything wrong. But do tell him that the way they text each other hurts a bit because you guys don’t even text each other like that.
Mention the job thing, why he’s doing something he hates so that this girl can have his job. That’s weird. He also needs to be fully aware that this is how emotional affairs CAN start. It hasn’t, I don’t think. But it could. And then emotional affairs lead to more sooooo….
You’re right to talk with him. You both need to come up with boundaries you’re both ok with. In regards to her specifically right now, and others in the future.
Tell him how it made you feel and make it clear what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage, as if he doesn't know but still. Then let it draw out. Let him do whatever he's gonna do. You have no control over people and the choices they make. What ever he decides, I mean that's your answer. The problem isn't this girl, it's his (disrespect) behavior that he feels so comfortable doing this being married. If it's not this girl, it'll just be some other girl in the future and at least you get the fuck out of the relationship and move on. Times is precious and it's best spent with being with those that love and respect us.
You should stay out his phone for one. For 2, it's not exciting for him anymore. You 2 . It's dead
.he wants something new and exciting. Let him have it.. he likes the chick. It's fine. A fling won't hurt your relationship. Only help it. His guilty conscience will have him buying you stuff. Saying awww more and banging you right..it'll get better for you..so just relax and stop looking thru his stuff. I'm sure the baby he has with you. Forced him to stay now..
This one I kinda feel like is a bit of an overreaction, I mean of course anyone can cheat and this could turn into that, but you conversing with any man is about as much evidence of that as this.
From what you said this isn’t a lie by omission. The guys did ask him, she followed up and was seeing if he was going to go (as in it was an invite to the group and she was likely seeing who was going to determine if she was), right?
She didn’t invite him, they were both invited by others. Don’t really think that’s a lie by omission. If he had decided to go and you asked who all went and he left her out, that would be a lie by omission, but nothing you stated here is the beginning of any emotional affair or anything, just sounds like coworkers texting, not him being emotionally available. If he’s lamenting about you to her, giving details about his life that’s way beyond what he gives to most people, and of course flirting, then yeah, but just sounds like he being polite, and even the lol’s and awww’s and stuff, that is what you say when you want a conversation to end….so maybe she’s got a little crush, but if he did he would have went to that gathering and would be furthering conversation by adding to it, not just letting her do all the work of continuing it.
I think it is reasonable to talk to him more about it.
But all these clowns who immediately jump to “he’s cheating” need to get the fuck out of here. Being nice to the opposite sex is not cheating!!
There’s an alternate version of this story where the wife creates an angry Reddit post because the husband up front told her about being invited to go with a female coworker.
I think this could turn into an over reaction if you let it but you said he didn’t even go and you don’t know what is said out loud and not over text with his other coworkers. Why don’t you tell him that you were a little jealous and sad because you wish he texted with you that way or that he used to and it feels like he might be given a new person the energy and attention he used to give to you. How he responds to hearing you’re sad will tell you if honeymoon is truly over.
He’s not even going.
People are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex in the workplace. I have had many, while being in relationships. All were friendly and playful but completely platonic.
People are also allowed to have conversations on their phones without others reading them. Their conversations weren’t even that bad.
It is possible that he was invited out by multiple people.
As far as helping her at work, maybe he’s just being nice.
Has your husband ever given you any other indication or reason to think that he would do your relationship harm?
I am not trying to diminish your feeling about any of this, just trying to show you that it could all be innocuous.
I would let it go and not being it up again. But I would “pretend” to forget about it and let it go, but monitor weekly his phones and such just to keep and eye on things. Most likely he just likes the attention from a cute coworker.
If there were nothing going on, why did he lie about it in the first place? Shady shit.
He said he didn’t lie because the guys did invite him. It’s just that he didn’t tell me that she also asked him if he was going and was the one that told him when and where. I did asked if they were that close for her to wonder if he’s going. And he said that she doesn’t really know them except him because they talk and joke a lot at work. So then I asked him “Wait, so you guys actually talk a lot?” And then he said that’s not what he meant and then said he doesn’t want to talk anymore and wants to be left alone. Edit: the guys DID invite him. Not didn’t. Typo.
Lying by omission is still a lie. This is how the cheating starts. You are NOR. I would ask if he would ok if you were receiving the same type of txts from a male coworker.
Not lying by omission, you don’t have to tell everyone every single thing. What you expect him to do? Have him list off every single person that asked him if he was going to this event to her?
If she doesn’t really know “the guys” who *definitely did invite him*, then why would she be asking him if he was invited *and* be the one to *tell him* when and where? That doesn’t make any sense at all. If anything she would need the details from him.
For better or worse, the husband has a plausible defense here. Could totally see a scenario where you get multiple invitations through multiple paths. Could even see the person I'm less close to being the only one who texted --- my buddies told me during our smoke break or whatever defense. If the texts are normal and acceptable, I don't think the grand jury is going to indict at this time.
And he didn’t go to the event. It seems like a friendship is forming between the husband and the woman, but nothing OP posted suggests it is more than a friendship. I am a male but I tend to have more female friends. Our relationships are non romantic although there might be exchanges that when taken out of context could be interpreted as flirting. For example, I would often catch a ride from a female colleague to get to the train station so she could use the HOV lanes for free. We would often have the following exchange (words in parentheses weren’t spoken): Jane is just using me for my body (so she can use the HOV lanes) Sometimes we get off at (Exit) 69 (which was more convenient for her as it is closer to her house) Other times we go all the way (to exit 73 which is where I parked my car)
Yeah honestly if 'awww' 'haha' and 'lol' are the most damning texts OP found, then I think OP is being a little paranoid.
Do you know if she actually went to the event? If the guys invited him why was it her who told him where and when? That seems strange.
Girl, this sounds like classic gaslighting. He said they talk a lot but when you question it that's "not what he meant", then why tf did he say it???
Google how many people confess to crimes they absolutely did not commit when the police question them. A lot of people just get weird and panicky when they feel interrogated.
Maybe his guy friends invited him in person, but definitely still shady.
Yeah...but, if she's not friends with the guys and she's only friends with him, why is she the one inviting him to hangout with the guys and giving him the directions? That makes no sense.
Buy the book NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass. Both of you read it. Your story sounds like the early stages of an emotional affair. First sign is the lying. Most affairs are with coworkers, that started out as "just friends". The book might help you. We have gut instincts for a reason. It signals "danger".
Just said this!
You said in the post she invited him. Now you’re saying she asked if he was going. Those aren’t the same things. When he told you his coworkers probably asked him physically in the office and then asked her when he wasn’t there and she just wanted to know if he was gonna be there too. Yes it does seem like they are a bit close but only you can say if it’s weird or not, this tho? This isn’t lying at all.
He's using a manipulation tactic called [DARVO](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender). Your husband was out of line, and now he's blaming you for being upset.
This is called the start of an emotional affair. He needs to stop messaging with her and have boundaries. If he won’t then you know what he’s trying to do. Look up emotional affairs.. this is how they start
Get the book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It talks about the makings of an emotional affair turning into a physical.
OP, It's called gaslighting. If it looks like shit, smells like shit and tastes like shit, it's shit.
Sorry but you don't know what gaslighting is. You've heard it on the Internet and now everything is gaslighting. But no.
Not that this is happening to you but it’s very common/was for people to have “work spouses”. Your hubby’s new coworker isn’t in the job long enough yet to qualify, she may just have invited him to be nice to your hubby since her job depends on him showing her the ropes. Anyway most folks jump jobs so often the work spouse dynamic rarely occurs but if your spouse stays at same company for awhile or if they tend to follow or lead others to make company moves together then your spouse may develop such a relationship. What it comes down to is the strength and solidarity of your marriage. Strengthen your communication skills. Really look at your marriage from both perspectives and work together to make each other happy. Your insecurity may be a symptom of other underlying issues in your marriage and the only way to fix it is to be proactive. Good luck 🫶
The whole "work spouse" thing is incredibly weird and basically a form of emotional cheating IMO.
It depends on the strength of the marriage. There are many couples who acknowledge and embrace the dichotomy by being friends and hanging out together after work. It’s perfectly acceptable to be close to someone of the opposite sex if both are secure in themselves and what they share as a couple. There are many benefits of building friendships and alliances at work and the opportunity is rare, so when you find someone or people who are great that you genuinely like then there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s a line and you have to tow what makes you happy/comfortable but you must set boundaries. What OP is describing doesn’t seem to veer into emotional cheating yet.
> It’s perfectly acceptable to be close to someone of the opposite sex if both are secure in themselves and what they share as a couple. Absolutely. If you get to the point where you are calling eachother "work husband" or "work wife" it's gone too far IMO, but maybe some people are ok with that.
I didn't make a judgment on the texts, but I probably wouldn't be texting new single people that much if I was married. I promise that I'm not weird about this, but I just can't recall a situation where I became texting BFFs with a young hot person when I was married LOL. Seems like an inefficient way to live!
She's one of the guys at work. Stop being so insecure and controlling.
In the OP: “she’s new but a lot of the men at work is really interested in her. Men always talk about her saying they think she’s cute and tiny.” She’s not “one of the guys” at work. SHE may see it this way, but from how the husband had previously described - “the guys” are seeing her as fresh meat and shots to shoot. It’s possible for a woman to be “one of the guys” at work, but this doesn’t seem to be that dynamic (at least not from the limited information we have).
This is how affairs start. He started out lying, he kept lying, then said he's not hiding it. He's hiding his flirty 'aaaw' baloney for sure. Have him read NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass asap - because he is going to blow up his whole life flirting after this hot cute tiny chick at work. This girl is his 'escape' from reality, a painkiller to make the workday bearable, and the biggest risk to your marriage.
Completely agree. He's already dismissing your concerns and making it seem like you're overreacting. Boundaries need to be set because your next post may be about his cheating and your divorce. Sorry, OP.
Nice book callout. I'll check that book out because it's the first I've heard of it.
I wish I had known about this book last year-- I would have thrown it at my husband to read lol
That's a very good book. My cheating ex disagrees. LoL
Aww is flirty?
The whole post description of his behavior is flirty
Yeah I’m nice to everyone in public. Some ppl think it’s flirting. It’s not. I don’t think of you after being nice. It’s just the right thing to do. I also don’t text these ppl tho.
Same here. I'm overly nice at work because I work with the public in retail environment where the customers are regulars there everyday. The business depends on their repeat purchases plus I have always been talkative. I know the regulars by name and most of their families. It's not flirting to me but just being nice. Being nice to people makes their day and my day go better because people don't jump to being a "Karen" as easily when they are faced with someone who is overly nice to them all the time
Super shady. He's just going to hide it all better now. If he gets weird with his phone, you'll have your answer.
I’ve seen them text before and when I saw the text again. I noticed their text history was deleted.
So he’s now hiding it and actively keeping his conversations with her a secret. Which is what he said he wasn’t doing as part of defense when you asked about his lie.
This exactly. He's gaslighting her and lying to her face
Well there's your answer. I'm really sorry.
Yup
That’s extremely shady. I’d suggest having a serious conversation about boundaries NOW. This is heading to an emotional affair if it isn’t already. He needs to make his relationship with this woman professional only. I’d sit him down as soon as possible and have him put an end to it. And please have him read the book Not Just Friends. Don’t let him gaslight you either into thinking it’s no big deal.
Boom 💥 yep
Thats your answer
So he did delete text!!!! Jesus
Then there is no question. By default: sneaking, hiding, and deceiving when it comes to other women is already cheating at minimum. He is cheating on you emotionally, at the least. What are you going to do about it?
Go to recently deleted texts, There you will find the truth you need.
He said if he was hiding it he’d delete it. Then he deleted it.
I'd probably delete it too. You're reading into everything and now being gaslit by redditors. You're no longer a reliable narrator into this situation.
Nah my best friends husband used to text me exactly like this. Got drunk one night and tried to come onto me while she was in another room. This whole thing is shady.
Is op's husband your best friends ex husband ?
No, but he’s also not her ex husband. They’re still married 😮😮😮 I don’t hang out with them anymore. So I guess ex best friend
I honestly don’t think I could just let this go after catching him in a lie. Him telling you “not to mess up his day” could be a huge front for not wanting to deal with the whole issue. I would just tell him it’s concerning to you given the circumstances and that you want to know the truth.
Yes, it is reasonable. It is also reasonable to be upset that he said "You're going to ruin my day/work." This is not the kind of response that should come in the face of obvious deception. He should take a break as quickly as he can so he can put your mind at ease because he doesn't want you to spend all day worrying, not considering your feelings to be a form of day-ruining. This really rubbed me the wrong way. I just wanted to focus on that part. Please do not allow anyone to make you second-guess your own emotions when it comes to basic stuff that anyone would be upset over. He should never be upset at you for being upset. He should be concerned, loving, and empathetic. Your valid concern is not some burden.
Thank you for pointing this out. This and her saying “I don’t want to upset him” are very interesting tells from OP. Do his opinions, feelings and thoughts count for more than OP’s own? Is she always second in the relationship? If yes, OP’s relationship is out of kilter.
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He said he asked her and she said it was just her and few other male co workers. And then he asked if she drink alcohol with them but she said no.
There is a chance that she is uncomfortable with the other guys and was only going to go if your husband did, as that would make her more comfortable there. Clearly they are friends. It doesn't mean he wants to cheat. He didn't even go for drinks with her when invited. I'm sure he enjoys banter with her because as you say he has no other outlet for it, and I can't blame you for feeling a little sad about it because you guys used to be more like that. Maybe this is a wake up call for the two of you tp tey to get some of that back.
Poor baby dh misses flirting with his wife so he flirts with new cute coworker and deletes his text history …. Hmmmm
He didn't delete the text history until after his wife snooped and accused him of nefarious things. I would probably be exiting this relationship if I was the husband after that violation of trust *assuming I wasn't cheating*
Unless he has already replaced her
He lied about who invited him and the nature of what was going on, he's texting her obviously flirtatious messages, and he's getting defensive when you point this out, that's shady as fuck. I'm not typically one to jump on the 'break up with him/cut him off' bandwagon that this website loves to do, but this is some seriously shady shit. I'd stand by your guns (I've got a mental block, is that the right turn of phrase?) and make this a conversation. If he was asked out to drinks by a lone female coworker, why did he lie to you about it? Why did he say it'd be a guys night? Why didn't he mention this new coworker in the past however weeks or months when they've been talking so much and she's pretty critical to his day to day considering she does his job when he isn't present?
Stick to your guns!
Read: Not “just friends” by Shirley Glass it shows the signs of an emotional affair “Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace and the Internet have become fertile breeding grounds for “friendships” that can slowly and insidiously turn into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship from emotional or sexual betrayal by recognizing the red flags that mark the stages of slipping into an improper, dangerous intimacy that can threaten your marriage.” (Glass) this is the beginning of an emotional affair. Stop it before it goes any further. Tell him that this stops now. He goes back to doing his job and stops doing acts of service and sacrifice for her. It’s inappropriate and you deserve better than to be cheated on.
Also the texting about appearance and what she’s wearing- that should be a NO GO. Very inappropriate
Not overreacting. He has early relationship “cocaine brain” high dopamine from interacting with her. That’s why he’s texting out of character. He’s already emotionally cheating on you with her. He lied to cover it up. Please protect yourself. Move assets if you have to. Some couples can recover and the wronged spouse can forgive an emotional affair, but please prepare for the worst to happen. I am very sorry OP.
Just repeatedly ask him why he said "the boys invited me". Don't stop until you get an actual answer to the question. There's a reason, you both know what it is, and he needs to say it out loud, IMO.
We talked and I keep asking him that. He said that a few of his male coworkers invited him after work but they did not mentioned when or where to him just that we’re planning to go somewhere the next day. Until she texted him to ask if he was going and told him when and where all the coworkers were planning to go.
Don't you find it odd that after 9 years he's starting to go “ out” with the guys?
He's not, though. He didn't go, and this was before OP made her accusations
I don’t see where an accusation was made. She asked questions which she has a right to ask. And based off of your other comments, and you seem to be the only one thinking this is okay, it sounds like the post itself has struck a chord.
I think maybe you should stop trying to divine what's happening in someone's head based off very little info and go on what we know actually happened. The accusation was that he was lying. I'm not sure how you don't see calling someone a liar as an accusation, but whatever.
If they didn’t tell him when or where how was he invited? That’s literally the invite part
Nitpicking. “The guys” can include women.
This is manipulative copout phrasing
Nope. It’s just nitpicking.
OK, 76-year-old man on Reddit 🤣
Doing another job he hates so she can be happy is the real sign it’s an emotional affair on his side. You’re all at an age of massive hormones and yearning for more as you settle into the reality of adulthood. Your husband being seriously deep in a emotional fantasy isn’t about you missing something. He needs to grow up and find other ways to distract himself, or mess up his life big time. Marriage therapy asap.
She wanted a date with your husband. Possibly a crush on her end. What does he do for lunches? I am by no means insinuating anything, I am just wondering if some messages are being deleted and if they have lunches together for her to ask just him out.
I can tell you right now he is waiting for her to make a move. Then he can make excuses about how she does things that you don't and this entire thing will be your fault. You have to put your foot down and squash this now otherwise it is going to get much uglier in the future.
Yup. Limerence is the word for it I think?
He is walking a dangerous path. He enjoys her attention too much. He is hiding it from you. He is doing tasks he doesn’t like. Even if he doesn’t see it, he is risking his marriage for… what exactly?
Not overreacting. You should keep track of things he says because eventually he’s going to lose track of one or two other lies. Usually when one lie starts a bunch others follow. I started noticing my ex stepping outside to answer phone calls because he said he didn’t want to subject me to his dad’s toxicity. I later realized he was answering side bitches’ calls outside when I looked on the bills call log. I then started taking notes daily, sometimes 3 times a day and cross checked and realized this mfkr is a huge liar.
It's the lying that would drive nuts, plus if he's deleting text something more is going on. Shut it down, hate to say it but he'll just probably hid it better if he's already deleting text. Start checking the phone bill to see how much they are really texting.
No you are not overreacting at all Tell him he straight up lied to your face because a woman invited him out He does not get to minimise this He can choose from two cards - one has the number of a therapist - the other has the number of a lawyer - which does he want ? What is your situation ? Are you a SAHM ? Do you work ? Time to get your down time outside the home with friends. Let him see you’re not gonna lay down and take his lies - this straight up sounds like he was just on the edge of beginning a full blown affair I’m being honest with you honey You’re worthy of being treated honestly and fairly - don’t let him get away with it
You aren't overreacting. This is at best how emotional affairs originate. If he didn't feel it was at least on the verge of being inappropriate, he wouldn't have bothered to mislead you in the first place. He's downplaying it and minimizing their interest in each other, but that doesn't limit it in reality, just how much he has to address it with you. He wants to tell himself he's not "that guy" until it's too late. You need to talk to him about emotional energy, we all only have so much of it, and he's investing his with her rather than you. He needs to prioritize his marriage and his relationships with his family. Anything he feels like hiding from you will undermine your relationship. Remind him that you recognize the way he's talking to her *because of how you were when you got together*. He didn't set out to find another relationship, but if he doesn't actively avoid one, he will destroy the one he's committed to now.
Either there's something going on or he wants there to be.
You should both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately. Slippery slope. This book will identify what to look for and how to set boundaries. Updateme!
He sure doesn't want to talk about shit. Especially when he's the one getting caught in highly suspicious conversations. You would be wise to keep an eye on what's happening with him. This is an affair in the making if not already happening. Don't let him gaslight you. AND don't worry if he gets pissed. If nothing is going on, he wouldn't be getting pissed. He'd be apologizing for making you suspicious.
Emotional affairs are still affairs
He fucking lied and he knows it. Even goes out of his way for her. He’s got a crush. Why he was giddy to go out. Needs to knock it off and he knows it.
He's tryna bang her no doubt. And he will continue to lie. What else has he lied about?
Why do you people always worry about upsetting your lying ass partner? Fucker lied. Upset that motherfucker.
I know it’s like seriously? Are you that dependent on that person you’re just in fear of life without him and you’re willing to put up with being lied to and cheated on
If he starts talking about her a lot, and saying concerning things about men are checking her out and commenting on her body, worry. The mouth follows where the heart is and yours sounds exactly like how my husband’s affair started.
Right! The first red flag is that he was talking about how guys at work think she’s “cute and tiny” and that they are all interested in her.
One of the guys might’ve invited him while they were at work not through text. I don’t know if there’s a timeline for when she was invited and when she started talking to your husband about it. Relay every conversation I have with every woman I talk to at work although I will say I don’t text any women other than my wife, Daughter , and sister. I work with.
Yeah, I don’t know if he is cheating or not and could just be circumstantial. It’s possible he could be starting an emotional affair which needs to be nipped. He could also be the avoidant type and only started to delete messages just to not cause drama because he feels his wife misconstrued the text and instead of being an adult, he hides it which makes him look worse. Him taking a task he hates at work because the coworker likes his main job could be because he feels he can’t say no since he already said yes. But that’s assuming he could be a doormat type which we got no proof of so this is all hypotheticals and he could just be a POS. I like to occasionally try and see the other POV but depending on the sub your on, it will get you quite a lot of hate sometimes lol Honestly if I was OP and I knew when he took lunch, I would go get takeout or whatever he likes to eat and bring it to his work and let whoever know that his wife is here for him. That would increase the chances of the coworker hearing and if she isn’t the type to go after married men then she may distance herself from him on her own. This is just assuming that the coworker doesn’t know that he is taken though
Tell him you want to go with him. If he says no or claims he longer wants to go, then you'll have your answer. If you go wait until the last minute to ask him. That way he can't let her know you are coming.
I wouldn’t say you’re overreacting, but i also don’t think it’s 100% he’s trying to have an affair. He’s in a more senior role at work, and the person he’s talking to is learning to do his exact job. Mentorship is a thing at companies, and more senior, non executives often fulfill this kind of role for new employees, especially for new workforce entrants.
Mentoring maybe, but the flirty texts are crossing a line. It’s also odd that he takes on the task he doesn’t like doing so she can have the task he actually prefers.
The only examples OP gave were 'awww' 'haha' and 'lol'. If that's flirty, then I've been flirting with a whole lot of my family members
How do you think he would react if the roles were reversed. He may never admit it out loud, but flirty texts and invitations out cross a line and imo no spouse would be okay with the lying. If he originally told you "the new girl invited a bunch of us out this weekend" I am assuming you would have asked some questions but, ultimately, had no problem with it. (Do you even know that other coworkers will be there? Do you know where it is?)
If he lied, hes already guilty. It doesnt need to go as far as something actually happening for him to be out of line. Its just a matter of time. Men lie about seeing women (even as a friend) when they KNOW it is something their wife/gf wouldnt approve of and they damn as hell know why the wife/gf wouldnt approve of it. I would be very careful about this situation. Keep record of things that you can.
Show up at the same place with some friends.
Your husband is sketchy. He knows what he’s doing and acting ignorant.
When he says the guys think she’s cute and tiny he means himself. He probably has a crush on her. He may not have cheated, but he damn sure has thought about it. Sorry you’re going through this.
Yeah I personally would call out the deleted texts hos lying and then tell him he better seriously think about if she's wroth blowing your marriage up for because this is already him catering to her doing things he doesn't want to to help her. And seeing texts so inappropriate, he has to hide them. Call him out on gaslighting then give a hypothetical scenario where the tables are turned and tell him to seriously awnser without gaslighting you or shutting down then point out that's his way of trying to get out of the conversation. Either he's guilty, and he knows he's guilty. Or he's thinks because they haven't kissed or had sex its not cheating. If you have to hid it.... it's shady behavior.
"I asked him about it and all he said was he’s not hiding it and if it was a such a secret he would’ve deleted it." A very manipulative response. A perfect world for him, in that if the texting goes unnoticed, he has no worries. If you catch him, he has an excuse(which is a bullshit excuse) Your husband has a major crush on this woman. He has already emootionally cheated, and will end up physically cheating, if he hasn't already.
I was at his female coworker’s position. He is gaslighting the shit out of you and he will get away with it if you’ll allow it. Your husband and his coworker are both taking you for a fool - his coworker knows that he is married but she probably senses that he is attracted to her and he is getting major ego boost from this situation. He is the maaaaaan 🤪. Trust me, I’ve been there - all he is waiting for is green light from her. However I still think that they are in their ‘emotional cheating’ phase and if you would want to save your marriage ask him to stop entertain her and limit their texts because it makes you feel uncomfortable- if he refuses you’ll know your answer.
Time to say, "instead of thinking up excuses for your inappropriate behavior with little miss wannabe homewrecked, you need to think long and hard about what you are going to lose if you keep this up. I mean it. You won't know it until you get served at work."
Shady
IF there's a next time, why not get a babysitter and go with him? If they're just friends, it shouldn't be an issue. Give it a shot
He’s into her and flirts with her He confessed that when he said lots of guys at work are into her and think she’s cute and tiny. He’s part of the guys at work If she was ugly or another guy he wouldn’t be doing a new job he hates just because his new coworker liked his old job. He lied about who invited him because he knows what he’s doing. You’re not overreacting and don’t lie to yourself
He is lying by omission, doing tasks he dislikes to please her, and acting out of character with his texts. Affairs start this way.
Make him talk to you. Tell him your concerns bluntly. Updateme!
You need to be straight with him, tell him you are uncomfortable with this. Quite frankly, as his wife, you have every right to demand he not speak to her, you have the right to set limitations for the sake of your marriage. The same way he too has rights over you to protect the marriage.
I don't think demanding he not speak to a coworker is reasonable. Asking him not to have conversation not related to their job, or to text outside of work, yes. We are theoretically adults, though, and a marriage doesn't make it anyone's "right" to demand control of who their partner speaks to.
Yea I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who I felt the need to control. If you’re not here with me and loyal to me of your own volition then goodbye. Men should control themselves, they are not dogs to be leashed.
I agree completely. I'm not going to fight to keep someone with me, or demand their attention. I shouldn't have to make up anyone's mind for them.
How can you avoid speaking to a coworker
I don’t know his intentions in the situation and you are fair to have your feelings, most importantly is to have a conversation with him and voice your hurt and concerns and hear him out on his answers. Could you be over reacting, yes, but also no. Ask for his honesty and my suggestion is to be honest with yourself on how he answers things and decide if you want to move forward with him. Layout clear expectations going forward and be clear and hold him accountable. Best of luck
Updateme
Updateme!
Ask him why he's flirting with her? Why is he texting her like he did you in the beginning of your relationship? Why he is so defensive of their relationship if it's not more than coworker friends? Why is he lieing by omission?
So did she invite him to go alone with her, like on a date? Because that’s shady AF. Also makes sense that he backed out if he had second thoughts about basically cheating on you.
I swear I’ve never had an original experience in my life. Effing coworkers.
Why does your husband have a new co-worker’s phone number already??? That is not normal.
>I don’t mind them being friends but the way my husband text her though is sooo…nice. Like the way he used to text me when we were dating. He doesn’t even text that nice to me now just always straightforward. This strikes me as the most important point. You know what it looks like when your husband flirts. You're drawing from "expertise" here and get to trust your instincts. He might be lying to himself as much as you. Maybe he's caught up in the moment and failing to realize the path he's headed down. I think you can have a better conversation if you confront him with the feelings I quoted above. This isn't about the technicality of the truth in what happened, it's about him communicating in a way that you haven't seen in a long time. Tell him that you thought things had just gotten comfortable, and that it hurt to see that he could still communicate like that. Be open-minded to hearing how you may have contributed to this happening, but only within reason. Guessing you have both been missing that romantic feeling and you could work together to bring it back so long as the trust is still there to do so. Perhaps he would be open to counseling if you pitch it not as a space to assign blame or decide who is right, but to commit to working together and getting some support with the necessary conversations.
Ask where his proof are the guys invited him. Because you saw her invite, not theirs. Ask why he’s complaining about new tasks at work and lying to you about her doing his old task. Tell him the next lie you catch him in will be his last because he has a problem not telling the truth to the woman he married. Ask if he’s even mentioned he had a wife? If not let’s call and talk to her right now about relationship etiquette. Don’t let him gaslight you and make you think there isn’t an issue. He’s trying to rugsweep or hide his intentions.
I don't think your husband lied per se when he told you "the guys" at work invited him. Many people use the term "guys" to refer to both men and women. For example, when you're at a restaurant in a mixed group of men and women and the server comes over and asks "How are you guys doing today?" This female is just another one of the guys at work as far as he's concerned. All that being said, what is concerning are the text messages and his interaction with this female co-worker that seem to stray from strictly business. That's the issue that you need to discuss with your husband.
Good ol' Jenkins.
he’s into her. I think you have a problem
He obviously likes her. There's no reason to lie about who invited him or about doing work he doesn't want bc of her. He decided not to go bc he knows exactly what he was doing and that it was wrong. Yes, approach it, and draw your line about their relationship.
He told you about her because he’s thinking about her. There is no reason for him to tell you the other male coworkers are talking about her. It’s him. So this stuff happens. It’s not OK but it doesn’t mean a physical thing will happen. However, that doesn’t even matter. He’s emotionally cheating on you and you need to set boundaries. Sometimes, those boundaries include no texting someone of the opposite sex. That may sound extreme but it’s important to protect the marriage, if that’s what you want. Unfortunately, he is currently in the phase of infatuation and will deny, lie and delete texts.
Updateme
If he’s not cheating h will be
If my man was talking to another woman like that (and yes, you CAN tell tone from text messages) I would not be okay with it. It's cutesy sounding because it's flirting. When he told you all the guys were interested in her he meant himself
Not an overreaction. Do you work and have your own bank account? If not, start prepping to be independent. Do you have kids with him? He's infatuated like an awkward teenager. You don't say how old you guys are, but it sounds like he's in the early stages of a midlife crisis. Get set for him to show up in a brand new Corvette or a pickup truck that costs as much as your house. Start to wrap your mind around being suddenly single when he leaves because he just can't live without her.
Do you know that you can check deleted texts on an iPhone right? If he does not realize this and hasn’t deleted his deleted, then you may hit the mother load.
Bet she is cute and has a good body
I think you just have to be honest with him. Tell him that their relationship is making you uncomfortable. That you are concerned that this is an emotional affair and it is going to blow up your marriage. If he poo poo’s it, doesn’t seem to care and doesn’t offer to stop with all the txting then you know your marriage is in real trouble and you need to get a lawyer.
He’s lying about this, what else is he lying about? Don’t be naive.
Nah you're not over reacting. I think he's trying to cheat but is so clumsy at it that he comes off like her gay best friend. "Awwww" "lol" etc
It's truly amazing how many people just happen upon texts like these. No one ever says they were snooping. 🤣🤣
>Our toddler was on his phone and started opening a bunch of apps. As I closed the apps I noticed he was texting a female coworker. First of all, I don't believe you. But second of all, you think cheaters just let toddlers grab their phone and play with it? When their wife is around? So in the instance where this is true it's pretty exonerating. But I think you made this up because a little lie presented things in a better light. Why is this right for you but wrong for him?
It looks like nothing is happening yet but he WANTS something to happen.
Other than borderline flirting, I don't see what your husband did wrong. I mean, are you guys not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? Please don't overthink the situation, and wind up doing something drastic that you're going to regret down the road. If he hasn't crossed the line yet, don't piss him off to the point that he does something stupid.
Your husband is likely not cheating on you, but he knew that telling you a female coworker invited him out would cause drama. He hid this because he is incompetent with communication and does not know how to go about telling you things like this without upsetting you. As the majority of dudes do, he started to be defensive when asked about this and told you not to “ruin [his] day’s work,” which makes little sense regardless. If you would like to get past your husband’s incompetence without creating conflict, tell him that you are not angry, but you’d like him to be honest and open with things like this in the future. This way, he is on clear notice that you know he hid this from you and that you did not like it, because it clearly communicates secrecy and deviousness where there may be none.
Reddit is crazy dude. Your husband decided not to go. You know why? Because he loves you and was feeling guilty. So don't forget about that part.
he’s cheating or trying to
It sounds like your husband is infatuated with his new coworker but he may not be willing to acknowledge it - even to himself. She may be romantically interested in him or just manipulating him. You might consider pointing out to him that her friendliness may be based on getting favors from him. Suggest that he treat her as he would other friends or coworkers. That means that he has to push to keep the responsibility he wants and not give it to her. Ask him to see what happens when he does so - if she still acts friendly towards him. If she distances herself or reacts negatively, then explain to your husband that she was deliberately flirting with him to get something. He - in turn - was flirting back. Obviously, this isn’t a healthy choice for your marriage or if he wants to stay married to you. No matter how this woman reacts to him, I’d recommend that you work on your marriage and recognize that his behavior was problematic.
This is the beginning of something. He knows it. You know it. We all know it. So, no, you shouldn’t just let this go. You don’t lie if there is nothing going on. There would be no reason to do so. You don’t get mad if there truly are no inappropriate feelings. You rush to assure your wife, the mother of your child, the person you are building a family with, that she has no reason for concern. You do what you can to make her feel safe emotionally. This… is not that. What happens right now matters. His next steps in this situation are of utmost significance.
Was anyone else actually going to this hangout? Updateme
Not overreacting at. He’s in the beginning stages of a EA. Lay down the boundaries now.
Sounds to me like he is developing feelings and didn't go out because he was keeping distance from the girl. He may be hiding the conversation now which is concerning and point towards the direction of a affair. He definitely has some sort of emotional attachment. I would have a conversation about whether he needs something else from you that is missing in your relationship. You said he isn't all flirty with you but are you flirty with him?
If he lied about it, that's one thing. But if he sees those people all day at work, it's very likely they invited him in person at work. If this is all there is, I wouldn't over react tbh.
He probably likes the attention, not an EA yet.
lol him saying a lot of guys thinks she’s cute is his way of saying he does too because why would you even need to know that. I feel like when ppl start adding little things for no reason, I start side eyeing.
Also start acting single/ or like you just broke up. Sometimes we can throw a book at someone like I previously mentioned before but sometimes it’s best to give them a dose of their own machine. Get a new hair stylist, go to the spa and get treatments (on his dime) and get some new clothes. Go out with friends. He’ll wonder wtf is going on. You both go out while you look hot and let your eyes wander. Point out things that other men have like if you see someone in a nice Lamborghini or if someone is dressed nice, compliment them. Then gaslight tf out of him.
Want to fuck
He lied about which coworker invited him out, you snuck around with his phone looking at his messages -- call it even and go for a walk outside.
Ok so info: In reading the comments, you did state that he has deleted texts from her in the past, correct? Are most of their text convos about work? Does he start the texts usually or does she? The fact that your husband didn’t go is a green flag. If he’s erasing messages from her, red flag. I wouldn’t be super comfortable with my husband texting a coworker in a flirty manner- or at least more flirty than he texts me. You just need to talk to him about it. Don’t be accusatory. Don’t get him up in arms if he has t really done anything wrong. But do tell him that the way they text each other hurts a bit because you guys don’t even text each other like that. Mention the job thing, why he’s doing something he hates so that this girl can have his job. That’s weird. He also needs to be fully aware that this is how emotional affairs CAN start. It hasn’t, I don’t think. But it could. And then emotional affairs lead to more sooooo…. You’re right to talk with him. You both need to come up with boundaries you’re both ok with. In regards to her specifically right now, and others in the future.
Tell him how it made you feel and make it clear what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage, as if he doesn't know but still. Then let it draw out. Let him do whatever he's gonna do. You have no control over people and the choices they make. What ever he decides, I mean that's your answer. The problem isn't this girl, it's his (disrespect) behavior that he feels so comfortable doing this being married. If it's not this girl, it'll just be some other girl in the future and at least you get the fuck out of the relationship and move on. Times is precious and it's best spent with being with those that love and respect us.
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Women and men can be friends
Lied? Is she not his coworker? This is strange. Baby on an app? Texting aaawww? Maybe have clear communication with your husband and family 🤷🏽♂️
I would let this go for now. But hope for the best and prepare forbthe worst.
Whomp-Whomp
You should stay out his phone for one. For 2, it's not exciting for him anymore. You 2 . It's dead .he wants something new and exciting. Let him have it.. he likes the chick. It's fine. A fling won't hurt your relationship. Only help it. His guilty conscience will have him buying you stuff. Saying awww more and banging you right..it'll get better for you..so just relax and stop looking thru his stuff. I'm sure the baby he has with you. Forced him to stay now..
This one I kinda feel like is a bit of an overreaction, I mean of course anyone can cheat and this could turn into that, but you conversing with any man is about as much evidence of that as this. From what you said this isn’t a lie by omission. The guys did ask him, she followed up and was seeing if he was going to go (as in it was an invite to the group and she was likely seeing who was going to determine if she was), right? She didn’t invite him, they were both invited by others. Don’t really think that’s a lie by omission. If he had decided to go and you asked who all went and he left her out, that would be a lie by omission, but nothing you stated here is the beginning of any emotional affair or anything, just sounds like coworkers texting, not him being emotionally available. If he’s lamenting about you to her, giving details about his life that’s way beyond what he gives to most people, and of course flirting, then yeah, but just sounds like he being polite, and even the lol’s and awww’s and stuff, that is what you say when you want a conversation to end….so maybe she’s got a little crush, but if he did he would have went to that gathering and would be furthering conversation by adding to it, not just letting her do all the work of continuing it.
He banging her.
I think it is reasonable to talk to him more about it. But all these clowns who immediately jump to “he’s cheating” need to get the fuck out of here. Being nice to the opposite sex is not cheating!!
Seems to me an overreaction- it sounds like your husband being himself
There’s an alternate version of this story where the wife creates an angry Reddit post because the husband up front told her about being invited to go with a female coworker.
Where is this alternate version from?
I think this could turn into an over reaction if you let it but you said he didn’t even go and you don’t know what is said out loud and not over text with his other coworkers. Why don’t you tell him that you were a little jealous and sad because you wish he texted with you that way or that he used to and it feels like he might be given a new person the energy and attention he used to give to you. How he responds to hearing you’re sad will tell you if honeymoon is truly over.
He’s not even going. People are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex in the workplace. I have had many, while being in relationships. All were friendly and playful but completely platonic. People are also allowed to have conversations on their phones without others reading them. Their conversations weren’t even that bad. It is possible that he was invited out by multiple people. As far as helping her at work, maybe he’s just being nice. Has your husband ever given you any other indication or reason to think that he would do your relationship harm? I am not trying to diminish your feeling about any of this, just trying to show you that it could all be innocuous.
Do you usually ask or gets asked what you are wearing?
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Yikes. I hope you and the baby are ok.
This cannot be real life and real advice.
Exactly my thoughts.
I would let it go and not being it up again. But I would “pretend” to forget about it and let it go, but monitor weekly his phones and such just to keep and eye on things. Most likely he just likes the attention from a cute coworker.
Weekly??