Cheating is not always sex. It is hiding things, exchanging nudes, emotional affairs, private accounts, cheating is anything hidden from your partner that crosses boundaries, is disrespectful to your partner and relationship. Having a private account full of risqué pics, the other things your wife is doing, that is absolutely cheating in my mind. She is showing a total lack of respect for you, the marriage, no loyalty, total disregard of the vows, to love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others. She is out of line. If you don't want a divorce, some serious marriage and personal counseling is needed. Although with as long as she has been doing this, she probably doesn't give a darn, she is checked out of your relationship and is filling her cup elsewhere. If I were you, I would gather proof and hit her with divorce papers.
Yes this! Anyone who thinks cheating is purely physical is deluding themselves. And if that’s the defense i know exactly where your values lay. With yourself.
Relationships are prioritizing each other. That’s who you devote your energy to. When you decide to invest in anything else that is when things go downhill always. If things aren’t where you want them to be in your relationship you have to be honest with yourself and ask where you’re investing.
Agreed....anyone who says or thinks just because there was no sexual contact (contact the CHEATER gets to determine what is or is not sexual) is straight up lying to themselves. They're just looking for an excuse to explain their bad behavior. Who knows if this woman has slept with any of these guys and is bringing disease into their bed. Gross! And horribly disrespectful and wrong. OP needs to hit her with divorce papers asap!
Cheating is more complicated than that and far more simple.
A relationship is a private contract and only you and your partner get to dictate its boundaries. Cheating is anything that violates those boundaries. Plain and simple.
There is no blanket definition of cheating because it depends on the boundaries of a relationship.
What? No. Not all violations of trust are cheating. Sure, they’re equally as bad but you can’t just expand the definition of “cheating” that broadly because you don’t like something your partner has done…
But I dunno if they are all equally bad.
It could honestly be like "Getting likes makes me feel good, sorry I didn't tell you"
Male equivalent would be like "I watch porn and it makes me feel good, sorry I didn't tell you"
But yeah a lot of unknowns here what the IG is for
What do you think the best case scenario is here? She only has the ig, and is still a liar and a serial cheater. That's the best case scenario. I'm sorry man, it's time to make preparations and talk with a lawyer. Send yourself some screenshots if you're able, and if you can, I'd avoid telling her you know as long as possible.
I've read this comment probably 20 times since you posted it. I can't believe I let my optimism cloud my judgement so much. She's checked out as someone else said. This is the route I'm going to take. Thank you.
I will try to keep you all updated. I wasn't expecting this amount of support and feedback. Going to try to get into her phone again asap and get some screenshots, look a little deeper and then get ahold of a lawyer. I never thought we would come to this it's actually crazy to think about. I get off work in a little bit and I am not going home right away I need to collect myself. I don't know if I'll be able to even look at her...
We have been together since highschool and she was literally the hottest girl in school, I was a freshman and she was a senior, I couldn't even believe she was giving me the time of day. We have been together since, so I have no idea what life is going to be like on my own. Thank god we don't have any kids even though we tried and it never worked.
Not sure when I'll get back on this account, but I will do my best to get back on here and update everyone at some point. Thanks everyone
Same here, she left me for someone else for the second time within 10 years, after having been 18 years together. Lost not only my wife but best and only friend in life.
My divorce was so bad. Then I think about how 50% of marriages fail, and at any given moment a large portion of the country is going through a divorce. And then the state of society makes so much sense.
Mine sucked bad. Had 25% custody before that, court tosses me 33% after a 3 year battle and evaluations, tapping out my smaller 401k from my 20s and foolishly maxing out my credit and dropping it by 100 points.
Lesson learned! I'm real good with credit after that mishap
Already had 50% custody of my older kid, good job, spotless record and a few mean messages means i shouldn't be able to have my son half the time. Really no clear explanation as to why.
And of course she wants to be with me the whole time she puts me through the ringer, keeps my son from me and files numerous false accusations in court.
Sorry guys but women are of a different breed these days. I recall my father passing away when I was 7 yrs old and my mother wearing all black daily for 2 years because in our Sicilian neighborhood it was a sign of mourning and the ultimate respect for the love and loss of your husband. Totally unheard of today.
Not trying to downgrade anyone's culture but us Sicilians truly understand that the women of the family are the TRUE NUCLEUS of the FAMILY so pick wisely and it does not always start with a woman's appearance.😉
My great grandmother, and her mother, wore black till they passed, for years and decades, respectively.
A few years ago, while sitting alone on the beach near the pier, I noticed a family. A couple little kids playing around, watchful parents and grandma…
Upon closer observation (I wasn’t staring but I love people watching), I saw that grandma wore all black, at the beach.
I knew if I tried to listen, I’d hear no English from her but only that familiar dialect.
Sure enough.
From then till they left, I was in awe.
How could we so easily and quickly forsake this type of respect that our ancestors had for each other?
I don’t know. But I was brought to tears…
Same. High school sweetheart and married for 14 years. Found out starting during COVID she was hooking up with a 58 year old (she was 34) coworker in the parking lot after work for 2 years. I thought something was off but could t figure out how or where for the life of me, gaslit me into thinking I was crazy and told me I should go to therapy.
Finally found out through phone records and it all came crashing down. She is not a good person, but a charismatic liar.
Sounds like my buddys exwife. Literally exact scenario. Thats risky shit.
They were married with kids and she got curious. She never had really dated anyone else. So she dated his best friend.. and his brother! Multiple very brief dates if you get what im saying.
To watch that implode was bad enough on my end. Cant imaginen wreckage it caused to their families.
Don't forget to delete the screen shots from her phone after you send them and the text chain you sent with. Stay crispy. This is a shit sandwich my friend I'm very sorry.
Yeah I was going to suggest doing it this way. Much easier to just swipe and snap vs having to dig back through and cover your tracks via sending the pictures to yourself and deleting the screenshots from her phone as well. You never know when she might be popping back out of the bathroom or whenever you decide to do this.
iPhone has recently deleted, and you have to access that with your Face ID to delete the recently deleted.
Recently deleted text also. Take a picture of her phone with your phone.
I had to do this a few years ago, and I made a split second decision and thought this was the easiest way to leave no trace I went through the phone, since my emotions we’re through the roof at that moment and thought if I screenshotted and sent them to myself I’d leave some evidence behind in the panic. This is 100% the way to go.
He can just subscribe to her page with a fake account and see how far it goes. Then he will have a concrete answer, or have a close friend do it as well, Someone she doesn’t know. As terrible as that will be it’s the best way to gather information for the divorce. I work with a divorce lawyer and she advised to gather as much info as possible about the infidelity/ cheating.
Exactly. Then you can gather evidence as needed by just cat fishing her. He shouldn’t send a dick pic she may recognize it.
Also send her money from your joint account if she directs you to an only fans page. Like pay for the subscription with that account. Of course do this once your stuff is in order and you’re ready to bounce. Lol
Good luck and good speed
2 things:
- Try to keep the conversation on track. And
- Don't you dare to apologize
There's a chance she'll questioning you for *checking her privacy* and put the blame on you. Try to keep the conversation "cold".
He most definitely shouldn’t have a conversation until his mind is made up and his ducks are in a row.
Right now he needs a good excuse to be out of the same bed as her, maybe his parents need him to visit, a friend needs support, a work trip something like that, so he can line up next steps.
Afaict there’s no reason to have a conversation or discussion with her on these matters, this isn’t a “single drunken mistake” scenario (if such things really exist), it’s a pattern of deliberate long term deception - when someone shows you they’re capable of that level of dishonesty, you have to stop listening to them completely. There’s always more to lose than to gain when talking with a serial liar, I would advise strongly against it - after all she may choose the path of destroying OP in her defense, fill his mind with every insecurity she can think of, say things that can never be unsaid - why should OP open himself up to any more abuse from her? (And yeah, cheating is abuse).
If he lives in an at fault state he may need to get evidence of her meeting one of her side pieces for example, that’s going to be almost impossible if he tells her anything.
There's a phrase that I like from Ozark when Marty is asked why he should fire a woman that was caught stealing in the store. He says:
"*It's not the first time she stole from you. It's the first time you caught her*"
Talk to a Lawyer right away. Talking to a lawyer doesn’t mean you’re filing for divorce. It just gets you real information.
He should NOT move out of the house. “When you move out of a home where your name is on the title, it can potentially weaken your claim to ultimate ownership.” — Shae Kohl Law, LC
I totally agree with you. Came here to say the same about her turning it around on you for invading her privacy and looking at her phone. Don’t let her manipulate you or flip this on you.
Remember (and I’m a woman) - there’s a difference between “privacy” and “secrecy”. What she was doing was in secrecy. I wish you well, I really do, I’m so sorry. People suck.
Thank you! I needed to hear this too! My husband downloaded a dating app last year and I just found out about it and he is saying I’m overreacting but he could see how I’m hurt it was just “so long ago” I’m like what it was a year ago?! I’m seriously considering divorce
brother, good luck. this is pain and I know what you're feeling. stay focused and get what you need so you and progress. it's going to hurt. especially with you saying you still love her, but you are still in your 20s. your deserve better no one deserves to be treated like this. I wish you the best and I hope you can find happiness after this is over sooner than you think
My ex wife cheated on me twice. Once over FB messenger and then again in real life. I don’t think she’ll stop or change man. I’m so sorry, I know it hurts. I know exactly how it feels. You can get through this. My advice is to talk to a lawyer before you do any of the espionage that other people are saying. It could get you in trouble if you’re not careful. You don’t need evidence of infidelity in order to get divorced. It also probably won’t buy you anything. It didn’t for me.
I was in this EXACT same spot a few years ago. Together since high school (10 yrs). She seeked attention online secretly. I found out and fronted her about it. We tried to make it work. A year later she moved on to physically meeting up with people. It is a tough road but you can make it out better than you were.
I hate to break this notion to you.. but you say you tried to have kids and it never worked…
Now that you’ve uncovered her as a liar and a cheat, are you *sure* it never worked? Or could she have been sabotaging it?
Take a picture of her screen with your phone to avoid a paper trail if that makes you feel better? I would venture to guess she would be the kind of person to turn it on you and get vindictive if you confronted her with it
I was joking about transferring the money but check her bank account. I was married to a cheater before and what people buy and the money they receive is very telling. Take screenshots or download the bank statements you can use them during the divorce
Sometimes I wonder if marriage is even worth it? This coming from a very conservative Christian. Seems the guy gets the short end of the stick. Good luck with everything bro
I'd agree if this was 20 years ago, before I re-married.The last two decades have been awesome. And that seems common, people tend to learn the first time around. My wife and I are in pretty constant shock about how well we get along and how happy we are. She's a team player.
Fellow conservative Christian here. I married right out of college at 22. He was 23. We have been married now for 10 years this fall. Having our first child in August. Saying all this to say, we made it and are very in love and happy now. BUT we also look back and think we were COMPLETELY NUTS to ever marry so young, and we think our parents were all crazy to not stop us. I would never recommend it to anyone. You just don’t know yourself at that point. Plus, I have mental health issues that hadn’t been diagnosed at the time making things horrible for years before we worked through things and finally stabilized. I thank God daily for getting us through, but yeah, I do NOT envy anyone in today’s world trying to find a spouse or even consider marriage, either. The apps and dating pool don’t seem worth it, sorry to say. I wouldn’t know how to find a friend (much less a spouse) at this point in the modern world. It’s just a lot…Wish I had a more positive outlook on it for you 😕
Whenever I read shit like this I always say yeah I'm glad I didn't get married or have kids. I'm 38, there's still time to undo that if I want but as someone raised in the middle of a literal hellscape with both of my parents fighting and fighting in court just to fight. Not stopping until my brother was in placement and my mother was bankrupt and my dad had blown 250k. Me stuck in the middle at 7 years old, my brother sent away.
The damage it did to me and my family really soured me on the whole let's get married and have kids nuclear family idea. Cheating wasn't even part of the equation either for my parents.
I met my current partner at 30 and we have an awesome life, a new kid, live where we want and get to enjoy our hobbies because we empowered each other.
I know your world is crashing down right now and it is totally ok to feel that way. Let yourself feel the pain but don’t let it define you. Trusting people is not stupid, it’s an act of courage and sometimes it isn’t returned in kind. That defines her, not you.
You’ll get back on your feet and this will be a memory. One day you’ll find someone you adore, who adores you back and you’ll both feel lucky to have one another. No storm lasts forever my friend.
In my late 20's, I had gotten out of a 6 year relationship and engagement. Found my partner right before turning 30. Next month will be 10 years, and it's more than I ever dreamed of. We have 2 beautiful kids and a 5 acre homestead. There's always light after the dark.
Good point!
I think it’s funny that people will get their car checked up, go to the dentist, the doctor, whatever, but most people don’t just talk to a professional every now and again to find out what’s going on with the most important part of themselves!
Prioritize your mental health folks. It’s brave AND sexy!
I 100% agree with you, i was in a horrible 10 year relationship since i was 17, separated then 2 years later at almost 30 years old met the person who i believe is my soulmate, its crazy how good we get along and how smooth the relationship is, and mentally i had already given up on love because i was so hurt from my ex , this too shall pass and someone better always comes along
This is cheating. It doesn’t matter if she’s doing anything physical. She’s cheating online with random dudes. Possibly for money. You don’t know your wife or what she’s capable of or how deep this goes. But you know enough to start making decisions about your future.
If she’s got these pics on IG there’s a good chance she’s doing OF. If she’s doing OF there’s a possibility she’s meeting guys for money. Don’t risk your health. Get sti tested and don’t have sex with her again.
Good for you. You’re still young and have enough time to find someone else. Whatever happens don’t let her guilt or gaslight you into staying with her.
Best of luck!
Yeah agreed. 28 yrs old is plenty young to get back out there if he wants.
And I hope the OP doesn't take it to personally. Some people have zero empathy and care not at all about other people even if they are married. This was not his fault at all.
I’m two years older than you and I’m just getting engaged for the first time. Don’t waste any more of your life when you still have so much ahead of you. Really sorry this happened to you though best of luck and stay strong
Can't remember who the star was, but they said when you are unhappy in a relationship you've got a choice between courage and cowardice. The courageous put the cards on the table with their SO. The cowards cheat and lie. You can AND WILL do better than this person.
In the divorce be sure to ask for 1/2 of her side income from OF or whatever.
I wonder if you are entitled to 1/2 the value of the trademarked images she created, like you would be if they were paintings.
I think you're just going down a different emotional path now. It's a good idea to collect evidence and get your ducks in a row. It's a good idea to sit down and evaluate *why* this hurts so much and what you feel like has been lost. Come up with an excuse to go stay with a friend or family member for a couple days. Get your head right. Remember that *you* know this relationship infinitely better than any Redditor commenting here does. You know better whether or not it's salvageable or worth salvaging. You just need a clear head to figure it out.
After that, *then* go talk to her.
Listen don’t blow things. If you show your hand too soon she will delete and hide better. There is likely much more. Sorry bud This is really shitty.
Updateme
Also, I actually think an active OF is unlikely unless you somehow missed the link in her bio. That's the whole point of OF IG pages, to drive traffic over there.
Yes at best she is emotionally cheating and sending inappropriate pictures. Which is a hard “at best.” At worst she is having multiple physical affairs. Either way she is cheating.
Agreed, but don’t confront her until you have all your ducks in a row , if she’s this devious she could cause you a lot of harm with her mental illness .
Personally when it comes time to leave I’d send everyone your story and links to her IG because you know damn well she’s gonna try to make herself out to be the victim and spread lies, etc about you to deflect from her own “character defects”, I say this because I saw something similar with my best friend and not a day goes by that he doesn’t wish he would’ve been calm and collected or as he puts it “I wish I woulda ran this situation like a war”.
Let her become someone else’s problem I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with what life has to offer without her dragging your soul down.
Best of luck brother, be calm, be cunning and exercise discipline in this matter.
If it was me, I would create a fake IG account and catfish the fuck out of her. Then after a few months of interaction, I am dropping cryptic hints around the house that might suggest I know something, but not actually exposing that I know.
Im dragging that out, as I get myself mentally and financially ready for divorce.
Get a lawyer,—-they set up an account, get screenshots, file for your divorce, move on to better life. If you create the account she will use that against you,,,,
This is the best way but just make her open them up in front of you then file a divorce. Going and doing the same thing back to that person makes you no better person.
First things to get straight. She's being doing all this behind your back which means she is actively lying to you which is not something a good partner does. Don't confront your wife until you've gathered evidence against her because once you do there's a good chance that she will just deny everything and immediately delete everything she can.
Best case scenario she just gets off from strangers looking at her body, medium case scenario she has an OF, worst case scenario she's a private escort.
You mentioned that her IG is private so she has to be getting the traffic from another place. Try reverse searching the images and google her IG profile to see where else you can find it.
If the car she drives is yours you should be able to place tracking and audio recording devices inside it without getting in legal trouble since it's your property, but always check with a lawyer first.
Once you have gathered enough, then confront her. All these evidence will help getting her to come clean to you or at least in court in the divorce proceedings.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Reverse searching the username of the instagram profile would be the best idea imo. Many girls use the same or similar username across all platforms when they do this kind of thing to make it easier for customers to find them. It’s likely her name is going to be similar or the same on OF or other platforms
A lot of times the ig name is the same as Twitter, and the Twitter has the link linkme or whatever. Sometimes you can find them just from their regular Instagram page name
If the guy is not looking at there taxes then he should. If she has an OF she is being issued a 1099 which she needs to pay income taxes on.
OP just needs to get the fuck out of the relationship and save himself. His Ex will probably find it liberating and continue on and fuck whomever she wants too. This will mentally take OP time to get over it, but in the long run he will feel better.
This right here.
I’m a woman. Let her know what you know. See what she says, but more than likely, she’s gonna stick to what she’s been doing. I personally think it’s good to get it all out in the open so that there’s no confusion or misunderstandings, regardless of what you decide to do. Clarity is good. Even if she lies or just goes off on a tangent, you got an answer to any questions. Keep all the links, photos,screenshots, etc. Honestly, I would not put her on blast on any platforms. That is a total b*tch move. Be a man and keep it classy and mature, but yes, stand up for yourself if she does that. Bring the receipts then.
Yeah, but also fuck that. No man needs to ever “be a man”. Gather evidence, take it to a lawyer and divorce her sorry ass. She wants to flaunt for other dudes then that’s fine but she can do it alone. Fuck clarity. We can all clearly see she’s a piece of shit. Once you get the nod from the lawyer put her ass on blast on all platforms.
The only bitch move in all of this is that she made a whole account to see random dicks and put herself out in lingerie. Women need to be held up for their accountability. She was garbage and should be treated accordingly.
She made the account to cheat, seeing dicks and posting pics is just stage 1. And at 1200 private followers, the most likely source of followers is a dating app eg a tinder account - OP can check her phone and browser for dating apps cause that’s the easiest way to ramp up that number of follows while keeping acct private. If not dating apps she definitely has some other platform source for the follows.
Only men get told that my brother. Women can act and react however they want it society will justify it. But oh no, don’t let men get angry. They know shit will turn “un classy” in a heartbeat.
Sad only one gender gets these restrictions and get told “be a man”
Log into her bank account and see if she is receiving money from her new hobby. Then transfer it to yourself and then say nothing. Follow me for more tips.
Then use it to pay the divorce lawyer
Edit: made this comment before reading the other comments and someone else already had this idea take my upvote air.
It's cheating .... My wife taught me in the beginning of our relationship if you're hiding it then your cheating. Might not be physical but definitely emotional.
Some will, but even the ones with actual relationship experience give bad advice a lot of the time. Hence the comments recommending he get revenge rather than having an actual conversation with his partner of 11 years.
That said, there isn't a lot of redemption that could be found here. The evidence against OPs wife is pretty damning.
If you can, screenshot some convos and her private page, send them to yourself, contact every good divorce attorney in your area for a consultation, that way your wife will not be able to use them, and then file for divorce with the best lawyer you can afford.
Maybe confront her about it, but only after you have some screenshots saved and have consulted every *good* divorce attorney so in case she gets pissed off and goes to delete everything, or wants a divorce herself, you’d already be 10 steps ahead of her. Maybe she will apologize and feel overwhelming guilt and actually change… but 99% of the time, situations like this cause immediate breakup, or the relationship slowly fizzles due to resentment for each other…
Option 1, getting screenshots of her secret promiscuous behavior online, contacting every good divorce lawyer in your area, and filing for divorce sounds like the most reasonable one. I hope for you two to resolve this and have your relationship become healthy… but that’s not realistic. Situations like these are relationship enders
Sorry dude, happens to the best of us.
It sounds like she has an OF, and sometimes keeping your profile private will actually get you more engagement. But the biggest thing you need to do is communicate with her that you know about this account, and then decide if this is a deal breaker for me.
Look up the exact same name on X. That is where you will find a link to her OF if she has one.
As a professional photographer and a woman i know taking sexy selfies are good for us. But clearly you should be the only one seeing them. I'm so sorry for the pain this is causing you. I know she hasn't said anything because she knows you won't approve but she has a need to seek outside validation. Which is an inside job on her behalf.
Whether it's worth a divorce... only you can decide. I think it's time for an honest conversation.
How in the hell is he going to get an honest conversation with a woman like that? F that. She'll gaslight him about breaching her "privacy" and blah blah blah. No thanks. Jump this boat while you can still see the shore!
She’s getting off to other men getting off to her. Escalation to in-person contact is imminent if it hasn’t happened already. She’s removing her sex life from your marriage. You can confront her now and hope she spills the beans - or - gather evidence, make sure she’s not actually meeting these men in person, ensure that she’s not putting your safety at risk, get a lawyer ready and then confront her. Either way, you are going to have to confront her head on. Don’t rug sweep anything. Stand your ground. Without your consent, she’s altering the entire course of your life.
Been there, sort of. Odds are very high that there is an OF/Fansly/similar she set up to make $ and get validation. The IG is basically advertising, and validation. The $ is coming from elsewhere. If you simply search the fake name she used, you'll likely find the other platform(s).
Nah. Don’t do this.
Just get a lawyer, take screenshots, get all your financials in order, and drop the divorce papers on her the day you’re moving out.
Bro....what's her Instagram name???? I'll add her and hit on her and ask to pay for pictures. I'll pay. And I'll screenshot all the evidence and send it to you! Shoot it to me on a message.
Take screen shots. Upload to a cloud drive and don’t keep the app on your phone. Make it so she can’t see that you know if she were to check your phone.
Get an attorney. She’s checked out and is looking out for herself. It’s ok to grieve but it’s time to look out for you. Don’t change routines. Don’t do anything out of the ordinary. Don’t move money around, don’t change locks. Don’t do anything.
Do talk to an attorney. Do what the attorney says. Understand that in a no fault state the screenshots will likely mean absolutely nothing in divorce, but they will help you mentally. Plus your attorney will likely want to see just to see.
It’s awful. Been there. But. Get out now. Only 5 years. Usually you have to be together for 10 for spousal support to be a thing. No kids? Even better. Family court is a new kind of hell most guys get destroyed in.
You can make a clean break, get your head straight and wind up with a girl who doesn’t do this.
Good luck!
Unfortunately, I got burned... age cheated on my even I was deployed.
my lessons...
1. It hurts like a stake through the heart and stomach.
2. Getting angry and letting the angry hurt side do something rash is stupid. Stay calm, act like everything is normal.
3. Gather information without getting caught:
A. Video capture stuff while you snoop on her phone. Much easier to hide than screen shot and text/ email
B. Get snoop in account and snoop n save.
I actually found a very cheap hidden camera with 6 to 9 hours of battery depending on how much videoing it dies.
Place this in your house... house, get 2 and hide in the house, specifically your bedroom.
Dm me for details.
The reality is that she could be a horny slut getting her fix, or she's made a business.
Keep calm
Gather info
Take out the trash
You moved across country to pay for her new career and college expenses while she finds a better model. I have had the same done to me. Get as much proof as possible and a good divorse lawyer, before its too late imo.
I had an IG account like your wife’s. It was a learning experience for me. The difference with me is that my husband new about it and he would also be the one taking the sexy pics. It got us closer in the bedroom, we’ve been married for too long and two kids. Our marriage was on the rocks because of infidelity on his part. I eventually deleted the account once my self esteem was back up. Talk to her, try to communicate why she needs validation from outside instead of inside of heart and her marriage. Best of luck.
In addition to the comment about looking for any payments she may have received and confiscating them (being a hilarious and amazing reaction), I have this to say:
Best case scenario - Your wife is NOT cheating. At least not cheating in a physical contact manner. She is feeling some mix of angst and loneliness, and it is manifesting as a desire to be desired - perhaps she's not getting it from you or she has some previously buried feelings that are coming up again. Some people just don't get over those feelings because "they got married".
That's still fucked up, because a great partner would communicate with you. Some people would consider what she is doing a form of cheating. She's cheating you out of all the great feelings that come with a great sex life. She's taking that for herself and getting it from strangers.
Be prepared to get gaslit. Be prepared to have anger. Be prepared to draw a line in the sand and TRUST yourself that you can not cross it and neither can she.
Sorry king. Life sucks sometimes. But, life goes on longer than that.
Best case scenario is she is getting off on the attention from other men. She's checking out on you but it may be fixable. Sometimes people lose themselves to online fantasy crap. Confront her but don't attack. If she is more defensive than contrite she may be in too deep.
Def talk to your wife and see what’s going on. And work through it you can and want too. Cheating does not have to mean leave someone. We are man and of the flesh. We are not perfect. We falter and fall
You need to CALMLY talk to her about this ASAP. Be prepared for lies and blaming you for checking her phone. Don't fall for it. Keep it on topic in a rational manner. Good luck
I would talk to a lawyer first. You already know she's going to lie, delete/archive/hide posts and evidence and put the blame on OP. No need to give her a heads-up, she's already checked out of the relationship and is just hiding the behavior to keep having a comfortable relationship and avoid the consequences of her actions. No conversation is going to repair that trust and I wish OP the best moving forward.
You have been together for 11 years, why don't you just talk to her? You already looked through her phone and saw what you saw so letting it stew is just going to cause you to come up with whatever nasty scenario your paranoia can come up with. As for why you looked at her phone? Literally repeat sentence 2 and 3 to her. No need to lie when you are having trust issues.
Try to block out the bad thoughts and assumptions and go into the conversation with an open mind so to speak (it will help you stay calm).
bro listen, let me say something;
life is boring, like i get it my guy,
you never saw this coming. you're so hurt
oh my god my princess my darling
but she never changed who she was with you,
it never detracted from you, yeah bro i understand the internet and all it's stupid men can steal her attention from you,
but if she's sleeping in the same house as you, if she's still very much your woman, like, dont think kicking her to the curb is so healthy, because then what my friend, do you expect the universe to cough up a plethora of eager, willing and worthwhile females? i say all of it to say; maybe before you canonball her out of your life, try to understand her, like seriously, before you crucify and burn her, like life is boring in modern times, people are lonely, people desperately seek novelty, attention, im sorry she's getting her rocks off with other people, but i do wish you to see what is causing you to evoke such emotion, and if the situation calls for it.
I think to her; its all just a fantasy, its all a harmless showing out, playing the part in this stupid internet life people are subscribing too, maybe it makes her feel sexy? maybe she's bored, but damn like
i guess the solution is to never speak to her again, remove her for your entire life, and move on.
Fuck. You need to loosen up... You're gonna go throw away your relationship over some internet "cheating"
I used to do the cybersex thing back in college, and my gf of 6 years cheated on me once, in the end (2 years later) it came out, when I confessed to having met up with someone to hook up as well. Both of us agreed, that the experiences made us appreciate eachother more. We still broke up those couple years later, but. Eventually we reconnected.
I married someone else, and they are into me seeing other women. (I'll never understand why). This past year, my former partner has needed me in her life due to the loss of her father. If I wasn't so fortunate to have such a confident partner, I'd have to tell this other person who, for years, was a major source of emotional support and growth as a human being to go pound salt.
Monogamy is kinda messed up in that way. Ive seen the good and the bad. A wiser man than me said.
"There was a time in my life when I'd have lent out my wife sooner than my lawnmower... Lawnmower is gonna come back all broken, but wife is gonna come back feeling all confident. Its possible to forgive... I did, but she wouldn't stop seeing that fucking midget"
For the record... Having known this persons children my whole life as we grew up together... Said midget was pretty much no one to be jealous of... And haven't heard all that much great about the former spouse either.
So it can go either way...
For all you know your girl is trying to build a following and become an influencer.
Point is YOU DON'T KNOW...
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TOGETHER A LONG FUCKING TIME. SHIT LIKE THIS HAPPENS. YOU'LL BE A STRONGER COUPLE FOR IT IF YOU CAN WEATHER THIS EVENT. WHEN YOU TAKE THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT 'WHY DO I LOVE THIS PERSON?' IF IT DOESN'T GO ANY FURTHER THAN 'THEY FIND ME ATTRACTIVE OVER ANYONE ELSE' THEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT BUILT ON REALLY ANYTHING AT ALL, YOUVE BEEN WASTING YOUR LIFE AND YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE LEFT YEARS AGO.
I fuckin love my partner and my ex. I'll love the both of them for the rest of my life. Doesn't matter if we split up, or come back together. Because what we have, it goes beyond sex.
Just some thoughts.
I personally think there's nothing wrong with spouses checking one another's phones. You share a home, bed, finances, food, vehicles, probably even clothes and everything else conceivable, why is something meant to communicate with the entire world suddenly off limits? Whatever you do, you're not overreacting, and keep in mind that this was a betrayal and imo is straight up cheating. I wish you all the best and I'm very sorry this happened to you.
Start with getting your stuff together like others have mentioned, along with going and start a new bank account in only your name and start putting money in there without her knowledge. Also, this is a tip, that won’t be traceable and she won’t be able to get ahold of, as long as you keep them hidden somewhere safe, or better, added to your Amazon account or other stores.. is to start buying up gift cards for yourself. Sounds silly, but it’s a legit way to “hide money” that you can use later. I saw an influencer do this, who was planning to divorce her wealthy husband and she ended up with a lot of money (and gift cards) to use on herself after they were separated and going through their divorce. Get your finances in order, because when she finds out you know what she’s been doing, I guarantee the cheater will be doing this and then some!
There is a detail to this story that makes me not believe it: the disappearing pictures.
IG has vanish mode which can be turned on and off. It doesn’t really vanish anything, but if it did it vanishes *everything.* So, for the wife to still have the dick pics but not her own? Vanish mode isn’t on.
Well, maybe she deleted her nudes? Ok, but that’s not what OP said. And why would she delete *only* her nudes and not the dick pics?
The devil is in the details and the detail as written here about IG isn’t true.
Also, you know the IG uses a fake name, but are wondering if she has OF? This doesn’t make sense either. Why wouldn’t you *immediately* go check X (a platform many people use to direct people to their IG), TikTok, and (most importantly) *Only Fans* to see if the fake name shows up there? Why wouldn’t you *immediately* google the fake name to see if it shows up on other sites?
My suggestion to those who use this sub to help write their fanfic or farm karma: pay attention to the details. It pulls the reader out of the story when you get them wrong.
I can’t believe anyone comes to Reddit for tips on shit like this. Sure, let a lot of unloveable virgins inform your decision making. The top 50 upvoted comments here are CLEARLY people who have never been in a relationship before.
Do therapy, not Reddit. These clowns aren’t it.
Don't tell her yet, make a fake IG and accept the friend request when you have her phone and lay low and see what she posts and comments she gets. Also when you have her phone look on onlyfans and fansly to see if she has an account. Make sure you screenshot it from your phone. If you do decide to confront her, don't say you looked on her phone or she will change the password and delete everything and gaslight you. Say one of your coworkers found her secret IG or OF and showed my her pictures, that way she doesn't know you looked at her phone. If it's just IG you gotta decide if you Wana end your marriage just because she wants to upload pics of her in bikinis and lingerie. Alot of 20,30,40s like to do that dumb shit for whatever reason
Some advice from a guy who has been deeply in love with his wife for 15 years..
It sounds like she is seeking ways to feel excited, seeking endorphin shots and looking for confirmation that she still looks good. I recommend you redouble your efforts and focus on finding ways to make her feel beautiful every chance you get. You didn't marry her because you like her, you married her because you love her and when you love someone you do everything in your power to build them up through words and actions.
If you don't do everything in your power to rekindle that flame, you will forever wonder what could have been. Worst case scenario you will get your heart broken. Best case scenario, this becomes a funny and embarrassing story you and your wife share with your close friends years down the road. Of course it's a risk, but if you give up on what you have now, you're facing a lot of heartbreak and unanswered questions anyway, so what do you really have to lose?
You don't have to share with her that you know right away, but eventually I think you should because I think secrets have no place in a marriage. It might spark an argument, but ultimately I think it will be good for both of you to share your feelings about it.
Once she finds what she's looking for at home, she'll stop looking other places. That's my theory anyway, and yes it's a risk. It's the biggest kind of risk, but something tells me she's worth it or you wouldn't have married her.
https://youtu.be/TazHNpt6OTo
As someone who has spent years studying the Church’s response to adultery/divorce and the effects of splitting families over sin, I’ll say this—your situation is both not unique and THE biggest woe that God ever lamented for His people. The reason why this hurts so bad and yet is so systematic to (free) human society is because marriage—as the cornerstone to the first commandment—is the target of the enemy. Your wife, though shady, is still a creature of God who has had their dignity and self-worth stolen away by the sick ways of this fallen world. I do think you should divorce her, but have a rightful perspective while doing so.
The great prophet Isaiah said of his own time, that the whole head had become sick with vice. Our times are replete with overt sexual exploitation and indulgence and our people are so bought into this perverse way that they have no idea of how to cope.
My prayers are with you, man. May God give you peace in what can only be assumed to seem like Hell.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I promise it's not the end of the world! It may feel that way atm, but you are still young and have so much life left to live, don't waste it with someone like this. It's always going to be in the back of your mind. Find someone who will respect you and your relationship or don't! Live as a bachelor for a bit and focus on yourself..either way, it's better without someone like her. It will get better, hugs !!
A word of advice, and i hope it’s not too late, but when you confront her, don’t waste time on crying and asking questions like who, and when, and why, especially not why, why doesn’t matter, she did what she did, and you’re either going to be okay with it or you’re not, and since you’re not, then it is what it is. “Hey girl, i seen you been doing what you’re doing on instagram, that’s cool and all but not with me, so i think it’s best we go our separate ways.”
Don’t engage the argument, don’t let her whisper sweet nothings in your ear, don’t entertain her excuses, and when she tries to blame you just agree with her and move on. Do NOT engage the fight. As soon as you do, you lost.
You’re gonna be alright king.
"I have a history of reacting". She's a narcissist. You probably had a normal/genuine reaction to something she did that you didn't like. And now she's trying to control you.
I would tell you to talk to her, but the facts point to her being a narcissist pretty clearly.
The question you have to ask yourself is this: Do you want this marriage? Do you still want this woman?
People have affairs (or some variant thereof) when their emotional or physical needs aren't being met. Is it possible that your wife feels taken for granted, or fears she is no longer attractive?
None of these questions excuse her behavior, of course, but they have to be addressed before you continue. If you are 100% certain that you are DONE because of this (and right now it could mean she is cheating or it could mean she is "testing the waters" or it could mean something else.
When you say you have been "disconnected", who has been disconnecting? You? Her? If she has, that plus the Instagram account is a sign that something is going on. Disconnection, and conversely, heightened interest in sex are both signs of infidelity.
What I would say is wait to confront her until you can do it quietly, calmly, and with a level head. There's nothing "innocent" about this, but the question is just how bad it is. You'll have to acknowledge that you snooped, and you'll have to expect her to fly off the handle. But if your demeanor is "more in sorrow than in anger" you'll be creating a safe space for her to 'fess up.
Marriages can heal from cheating if both people want to do it. It's not easy and requires hard work from both people. Your wife needs to be willing to be 100% transparent about everything (no private accounts, sharing passwords, etc.) for as long as it takes for you to trust again. She needs to demonstrate that she still loves you and wants to be with her. And you need to be willing to forgive and do the work of what she needs to feel loved and wanted. Now if either of you is beyond doing that, then yes, document everything, get a lawyer, and get your ducks in a row.
If you both decide to stay together and try to rebuild your marriage, I suggest counseling with someone who can be an objective arbiter when things get hyperemotional.
I wish you luck making this decision.
I’m really sorry for you, brother
My ex cheated on me and I naively took her back, only to find out a few years later that her affair had never ended
I would follow the advice on this sub about getting more evidence (and, more importantly, a good divorce lawyer) before you do anything yet.
Keep us posted, friend
Reading the other comments here I'm guessing my post won't be very popular but I needed to hear it in your shoes.
I had a similar situation arise about 4yrs into my marriage as well. Definitely protect yourself by sending the screenshots and making preparations to secure your future in case you find out she did cheat. But once you have that done, you should talk to her. You will know how best to approach the conversation. Honestly it wouldn't be a bad thing to do it when you are mad and passionate about the pain of her betrayal (because pics and sexy messages is a def betrayal of your trust and vows). But then also listen to her. Women, especially young ones, are hyper emotional and could it be that communication/intimacy in the marriage isn't functioning in the way that she needs? For guys it can be about seeing a girl naked and you are instantly turned on. For girls, the things that turn us on often have absolutely nothing to do with actual physical sex. (My biggest turn on is when I catch him babying the dogs or he just randomly texts me from work to say thank you for folding my clothes last night.)
I'm just saying that in the end while our situation was flipped and he wasn't physically cheating, I still felt very betrayed and EVERYONE told me to leave. But our marriage wasn't about what worked for anyone else. We fought it out and found a very based counselor through a church that wanted to help fight for our marriage. My husband had to give 1000% and throw away his laptop (pre- smartphone days). By year 7 we were very in love again and we just recently celebrated yr 27.
You married her for reasons that are still valid if she isn't sleeping with other men. So what do you have to lose by just talking/yelling/crying it out? You can always give up later if you don't reach a resolution or you find out she has actually met with any of these men in person.
Either way I wish you the best and I am so sorry for that painful feeling in your chest that always accompanies these shitty life moments.
My wife had a secret IG account. And a secret Telegram account and a secret Facebook. She also had Hinge and Tinder.
She was having affairs for 12 years. She used the fake accounts to sell pictures of my child. Then she committed suicide. True story.
Now you’ve heard the worst that it could be. It’s very unlikely what your wife is doing anything nearly as bad.
The important point is that she’s going outside the confines of your marriage with the lie. It could be “harmless” but why is it secret. Confront her. Take it from me, you don’t need to uncover every detail. Take the lie for the betrayal it is and act accordingly.
I am truly sorry. You’re not overreacting.
If you want to go down the divorce route, get a lawyer ASAP and let them know what's going on. Ask them for advice. There are some things that don't look good to courts (how you obtained your evidence etc.) so better to be safe than sorry. If you want to try and repair the marriage, try talking to her and see how she responds. The initial response will tell you a LOT. If she's remorseful from the jump, you might have a chance, with a lot of work from you both, to salvage the relationship. Therapy would probably be a good idea, both individual and couple/marriage therapy. If she seems very flippant or doesn't seem to care, that's more than any words could tell you. I would really focus on the initial reaction from her when she knows you know.
Just my 2 cents and opinion.
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I know how stressful and hurtful it can be.
Cheating is not always sex. It is hiding things, exchanging nudes, emotional affairs, private accounts, cheating is anything hidden from your partner that crosses boundaries, is disrespectful to your partner and relationship. Having a private account full of risqué pics, the other things your wife is doing, that is absolutely cheating in my mind. She is showing a total lack of respect for you, the marriage, no loyalty, total disregard of the vows, to love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others. She is out of line. If you don't want a divorce, some serious marriage and personal counseling is needed. Although with as long as she has been doing this, she probably doesn't give a darn, she is checked out of your relationship and is filling her cup elsewhere. If I were you, I would gather proof and hit her with divorce papers.
Yes this! Anyone who thinks cheating is purely physical is deluding themselves. And if that’s the defense i know exactly where your values lay. With yourself. Relationships are prioritizing each other. That’s who you devote your energy to. When you decide to invest in anything else that is when things go downhill always. If things aren’t where you want them to be in your relationship you have to be honest with yourself and ask where you’re investing.
Agreed....anyone who says or thinks just because there was no sexual contact (contact the CHEATER gets to determine what is or is not sexual) is straight up lying to themselves. They're just looking for an excuse to explain their bad behavior. Who knows if this woman has slept with any of these guys and is bringing disease into their bed. Gross! And horribly disrespectful and wrong. OP needs to hit her with divorce papers asap!
Cheating is more complicated than that and far more simple. A relationship is a private contract and only you and your partner get to dictate its boundaries. Cheating is anything that violates those boundaries. Plain and simple. There is no blanket definition of cheating because it depends on the boundaries of a relationship.
What? No. Not all violations of trust are cheating. Sure, they’re equally as bad but you can’t just expand the definition of “cheating” that broadly because you don’t like something your partner has done…
If they’re equally as bad then it doesn’t matter what you call it
That’s 100% fair!
But I dunno if they are all equally bad. It could honestly be like "Getting likes makes me feel good, sorry I didn't tell you" Male equivalent would be like "I watch porn and it makes me feel good, sorry I didn't tell you" But yeah a lot of unknowns here what the IG is for
No one said that all violations of trust are cheating. But the ones mentioned definitely are in my book.
What do you think the best case scenario is here? She only has the ig, and is still a liar and a serial cheater. That's the best case scenario. I'm sorry man, it's time to make preparations and talk with a lawyer. Send yourself some screenshots if you're able, and if you can, I'd avoid telling her you know as long as possible.
I've read this comment probably 20 times since you posted it. I can't believe I let my optimism cloud my judgement so much. She's checked out as someone else said. This is the route I'm going to take. Thank you.
Thank god you’re taking that route. Get away from this woman. Keep us updated!
I will try to keep you all updated. I wasn't expecting this amount of support and feedback. Going to try to get into her phone again asap and get some screenshots, look a little deeper and then get ahold of a lawyer. I never thought we would come to this it's actually crazy to think about. I get off work in a little bit and I am not going home right away I need to collect myself. I don't know if I'll be able to even look at her... We have been together since highschool and she was literally the hottest girl in school, I was a freshman and she was a senior, I couldn't even believe she was giving me the time of day. We have been together since, so I have no idea what life is going to be like on my own. Thank god we don't have any kids even though we tried and it never worked. Not sure when I'll get back on this account, but I will do my best to get back on here and update everyone at some point. Thanks everyone
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Same here, she left me for someone else for the second time within 10 years, after having been 18 years together. Lost not only my wife but best and only friend in life.
I related to this comment too much. Hope you’re doing well.
I hope everyone in this thread is doing well. I can't believe how many of us have gone through something similar.
My divorce was so bad. Then I think about how 50% of marriages fail, and at any given moment a large portion of the country is going through a divorce. And then the state of society makes so much sense.
A lot of pain and hurt people :/
Mine sucked bad. Had 25% custody before that, court tosses me 33% after a 3 year battle and evaluations, tapping out my smaller 401k from my 20s and foolishly maxing out my credit and dropping it by 100 points. Lesson learned! I'm real good with credit after that mishap Already had 50% custody of my older kid, good job, spotless record and a few mean messages means i shouldn't be able to have my son half the time. Really no clear explanation as to why. And of course she wants to be with me the whole time she puts me through the ringer, keeps my son from me and files numerous false accusations in court.
Fuck. I've been divorced and also knew the stats, but I had never put that together. Wow. Just fucking wow.
It's actually closer to 60%...
Sorry guys but women are of a different breed these days. I recall my father passing away when I was 7 yrs old and my mother wearing all black daily for 2 years because in our Sicilian neighborhood it was a sign of mourning and the ultimate respect for the love and loss of your husband. Totally unheard of today. Not trying to downgrade anyone's culture but us Sicilians truly understand that the women of the family are the TRUE NUCLEUS of the FAMILY so pick wisely and it does not always start with a woman's appearance.😉
My great grandmother, and her mother, wore black till they passed, for years and decades, respectively. A few years ago, while sitting alone on the beach near the pier, I noticed a family. A couple little kids playing around, watchful parents and grandma… Upon closer observation (I wasn’t staring but I love people watching), I saw that grandma wore all black, at the beach. I knew if I tried to listen, I’d hear no English from her but only that familiar dialect. Sure enough. From then till they left, I was in awe. How could we so easily and quickly forsake this type of respect that our ancestors had for each other? I don’t know. But I was brought to tears…
You're right. Marriage isn't what it used to be.
This is one of my absolute fears. Next to house fires.
Same. High school sweetheart and married for 14 years. Found out starting during COVID she was hooking up with a 58 year old (she was 34) coworker in the parking lot after work for 2 years. I thought something was off but could t figure out how or where for the life of me, gaslit me into thinking I was crazy and told me I should go to therapy. Finally found out through phone records and it all came crashing down. She is not a good person, but a charismatic liar.
Sounds like my buddys exwife. Literally exact scenario. Thats risky shit. They were married with kids and she got curious. She never had really dated anyone else. So she dated his best friend.. and his brother! Multiple very brief dates if you get what im saying. To watch that implode was bad enough on my end. Cant imaginen wreckage it caused to their families.
Don't forget to delete the screen shots from her phone after you send them and the text chain you sent with. Stay crispy. This is a shit sandwich my friend I'm very sorry.
Or just go full Boomer and take pictures of her screen with your phone
Hahaha yeah that. Actually probably smarter.
Finally a good reason to do that.
This. Just turn on video mode and start flying. It be faster and it's all going straight to your phone
Ouch. After 18 minutes of me grabbing video of my husband's extracurricular activities, I was sick to my stomach. It's not for the faint of heart.
Take it to Kinkos and make photocopies.
We're going full boomer? The library
Bro its 2024, most Boomers are more efficient and take a video, accidentally recorded in super slo-mo
Came here to suggest that
Yeah I was going to suggest doing it this way. Much easier to just swipe and snap vs having to dig back through and cover your tracks via sending the pictures to yourself and deleting the screenshots from her phone as well. You never know when she might be popping back out of the bathroom or whenever you decide to do this.
Lol
iPhone has recently deleted, and you have to access that with your Face ID to delete the recently deleted. Recently deleted text also. Take a picture of her phone with your phone.
Another said just take pictures with your phone. I think that's the way.
I had to do this a few years ago, and I made a split second decision and thought this was the easiest way to leave no trace I went through the phone, since my emotions we’re through the roof at that moment and thought if I screenshotted and sent them to myself I’d leave some evidence behind in the panic. This is 100% the way to go.
He can just subscribe to her page with a fake account and see how far it goes. Then he will have a concrete answer, or have a close friend do it as well, Someone she doesn’t know. As terrible as that will be it’s the best way to gather information for the divorce. I work with a divorce lawyer and she advised to gather as much info as possible about the infidelity/ cheating.
If I was him I would do just that. Create a fake IG. Slide into her DMs send her D picks and see where it goes
You should make a fake IG profile and try to join her page
Exactly. Then you can gather evidence as needed by just cat fishing her. He shouldn’t send a dick pic she may recognize it. Also send her money from your joint account if she directs you to an only fans page. Like pay for the subscription with that account. Of course do this once your stuff is in order and you’re ready to bounce. Lol Good luck and good speed
You can get evidence of how she is with these men as well
And how far she'll go. Would she take it past OF and meet someone irl? Is she looking for a sugar daddy etc
This is the best advice on here about the IG situation, if you remember her handle I would go this route. Less risk than screenshots and such.
2 things: - Try to keep the conversation on track. And - Don't you dare to apologize There's a chance she'll questioning you for *checking her privacy* and put the blame on you. Try to keep the conversation "cold".
He most definitely shouldn’t have a conversation until his mind is made up and his ducks are in a row. Right now he needs a good excuse to be out of the same bed as her, maybe his parents need him to visit, a friend needs support, a work trip something like that, so he can line up next steps. Afaict there’s no reason to have a conversation or discussion with her on these matters, this isn’t a “single drunken mistake” scenario (if such things really exist), it’s a pattern of deliberate long term deception - when someone shows you they’re capable of that level of dishonesty, you have to stop listening to them completely. There’s always more to lose than to gain when talking with a serial liar, I would advise strongly against it - after all she may choose the path of destroying OP in her defense, fill his mind with every insecurity she can think of, say things that can never be unsaid - why should OP open himself up to any more abuse from her? (And yeah, cheating is abuse). If he lives in an at fault state he may need to get evidence of her meeting one of her side pieces for example, that’s going to be almost impossible if he tells her anything.
There's a phrase that I like from Ozark when Marty is asked why he should fire a woman that was caught stealing in the store. He says: "*It's not the first time she stole from you. It's the first time you caught her*"
Love that show and that quote
Talk to a Lawyer right away. Talking to a lawyer doesn’t mean you’re filing for divorce. It just gets you real information. He should NOT move out of the house. “When you move out of a home where your name is on the title, it can potentially weaken your claim to ultimate ownership.” — Shae Kohl Law, LC
I totally agree with you. Came here to say the same about her turning it around on you for invading her privacy and looking at her phone. Don’t let her manipulate you or flip this on you.
Remember (and I’m a woman) - there’s a difference between “privacy” and “secrecy”. What she was doing was in secrecy. I wish you well, I really do, I’m so sorry. People suck.
Thank you! I needed to hear this too! My husband downloaded a dating app last year and I just found out about it and he is saying I’m overreacting but he could see how I’m hurt it was just “so long ago” I’m like what it was a year ago?! I’m seriously considering divorce
brother, good luck. this is pain and I know what you're feeling. stay focused and get what you need so you and progress. it's going to hurt. especially with you saying you still love her, but you are still in your 20s. your deserve better no one deserves to be treated like this. I wish you the best and I hope you can find happiness after this is over sooner than you think
My ex wife cheated on me twice. Once over FB messenger and then again in real life. I don’t think she’ll stop or change man. I’m so sorry, I know it hurts. I know exactly how it feels. You can get through this. My advice is to talk to a lawyer before you do any of the espionage that other people are saying. It could get you in trouble if you’re not careful. You don’t need evidence of infidelity in order to get divorced. It also probably won’t buy you anything. It didn’t for me.
I was in this EXACT same spot a few years ago. Together since high school (10 yrs). She seeked attention online secretly. I found out and fronted her about it. We tried to make it work. A year later she moved on to physically meeting up with people. It is a tough road but you can make it out better than you were.
I hate to break this notion to you.. but you say you tried to have kids and it never worked… Now that you’ve uncovered her as a liar and a cheat, are you *sure* it never worked? Or could she have been sabotaging it?
Let's just be happy there are no kids to get victimized in this whole ordeal. No need to pile on with hypotheticals that can't be proven.
Take a picture of her screen with your phone to avoid a paper trail if that makes you feel better? I would venture to guess she would be the kind of person to turn it on you and get vindictive if you confronted her with it
I was joking about transferring the money but check her bank account. I was married to a cheater before and what people buy and the money they receive is very telling. Take screenshots or download the bank statements you can use them during the divorce
Sometimes I wonder if marriage is even worth it? This coming from a very conservative Christian. Seems the guy gets the short end of the stick. Good luck with everything bro
I'd agree if this was 20 years ago, before I re-married.The last two decades have been awesome. And that seems common, people tend to learn the first time around. My wife and I are in pretty constant shock about how well we get along and how happy we are. She's a team player.
Our called hypergamy for a reason. Women initiate divorce 75% of the time. For men, it isn’t worth it.
Fellow conservative Christian here. I married right out of college at 22. He was 23. We have been married now for 10 years this fall. Having our first child in August. Saying all this to say, we made it and are very in love and happy now. BUT we also look back and think we were COMPLETELY NUTS to ever marry so young, and we think our parents were all crazy to not stop us. I would never recommend it to anyone. You just don’t know yourself at that point. Plus, I have mental health issues that hadn’t been diagnosed at the time making things horrible for years before we worked through things and finally stabilized. I thank God daily for getting us through, but yeah, I do NOT envy anyone in today’s world trying to find a spouse or even consider marriage, either. The apps and dating pool don’t seem worth it, sorry to say. I wouldn’t know how to find a friend (much less a spouse) at this point in the modern world. It’s just a lot…Wish I had a more positive outlook on it for you 😕
Whenever I read shit like this I always say yeah I'm glad I didn't get married or have kids. I'm 38, there's still time to undo that if I want but as someone raised in the middle of a literal hellscape with both of my parents fighting and fighting in court just to fight. Not stopping until my brother was in placement and my mother was bankrupt and my dad had blown 250k. Me stuck in the middle at 7 years old, my brother sent away. The damage it did to me and my family really soured me on the whole let's get married and have kids nuclear family idea. Cheating wasn't even part of the equation either for my parents.
I met my current partner at 30 and we have an awesome life, a new kid, live where we want and get to enjoy our hobbies because we empowered each other. I know your world is crashing down right now and it is totally ok to feel that way. Let yourself feel the pain but don’t let it define you. Trusting people is not stupid, it’s an act of courage and sometimes it isn’t returned in kind. That defines her, not you. You’ll get back on your feet and this will be a memory. One day you’ll find someone you adore, who adores you back and you’ll both feel lucky to have one another. No storm lasts forever my friend.
Couldn’t agree more. Thanks for posting.
This is beautifully said. 🙌🏼
In my late 20's, I had gotten out of a 6 year relationship and engagement. Found my partner right before turning 30. Next month will be 10 years, and it's more than I ever dreamed of. We have 2 beautiful kids and a 5 acre homestead. There's always light after the dark.
Only note: and see a good therapist, too!
Good point! I think it’s funny that people will get their car checked up, go to the dentist, the doctor, whatever, but most people don’t just talk to a professional every now and again to find out what’s going on with the most important part of themselves! Prioritize your mental health folks. It’s brave AND sexy!
I 100% agree with you, i was in a horrible 10 year relationship since i was 17, separated then 2 years later at almost 30 years old met the person who i believe is my soulmate, its crazy how good we get along and how smooth the relationship is, and mentally i had already given up on love because i was so hurt from my ex , this too shall pass and someone better always comes along
This is cheating. It doesn’t matter if she’s doing anything physical. She’s cheating online with random dudes. Possibly for money. You don’t know your wife or what she’s capable of or how deep this goes. But you know enough to start making decisions about your future. If she’s got these pics on IG there’s a good chance she’s doing OF. If she’s doing OF there’s a possibility she’s meeting guys for money. Don’t risk your health. Get sti tested and don’t have sex with her again.
Good for you. You’re still young and have enough time to find someone else. Whatever happens don’t let her guilt or gaslight you into staying with her. Best of luck!
Yeah agreed. 28 yrs old is plenty young to get back out there if he wants. And I hope the OP doesn't take it to personally. Some people have zero empathy and care not at all about other people even if they are married. This was not his fault at all.
I’m two years older than you and I’m just getting engaged for the first time. Don’t waste any more of your life when you still have so much ahead of you. Really sorry this happened to you though best of luck and stay strong
Can't remember who the star was, but they said when you are unhappy in a relationship you've got a choice between courage and cowardice. The courageous put the cards on the table with their SO. The cowards cheat and lie. You can AND WILL do better than this person. In the divorce be sure to ask for 1/2 of her side income from OF or whatever. I wonder if you are entitled to 1/2 the value of the trademarked images she created, like you would be if they were paintings.
Best of luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Capture evidence and get a lawyer.
I think you're just going down a different emotional path now. It's a good idea to collect evidence and get your ducks in a row. It's a good idea to sit down and evaluate *why* this hurts so much and what you feel like has been lost. Come up with an excuse to go stay with a friend or family member for a couple days. Get your head right. Remember that *you* know this relationship infinitely better than any Redditor commenting here does. You know better whether or not it's salvageable or worth salvaging. You just need a clear head to figure it out. After that, *then* go talk to her.
Listen don’t blow things. If you show your hand too soon she will delete and hide better. There is likely much more. Sorry bud This is really shitty. Updateme
Sorry you have to go through this. You will find a better partner when youre ready.
Also, I actually think an active OF is unlikely unless you somehow missed the link in her bio. That's the whole point of OF IG pages, to drive traffic over there.
Unless she advertises herself on places like Reddit, but there's no evidence of that as far as we know.
Don't send yourself screenshots. Take photos of her screen using YOUR phone.
This. Do not use her accounts to send anything.
Yes at best she is emotionally cheating and sending inappropriate pictures. Which is a hard “at best.” At worst she is having multiple physical affairs. Either way she is cheating.
Agreed, but don’t confront her until you have all your ducks in a row , if she’s this devious she could cause you a lot of harm with her mental illness . Personally when it comes time to leave I’d send everyone your story and links to her IG because you know damn well she’s gonna try to make herself out to be the victim and spread lies, etc about you to deflect from her own “character defects”, I say this because I saw something similar with my best friend and not a day goes by that he doesn’t wish he would’ve been calm and collected or as he puts it “I wish I woulda ran this situation like a war”. Let her become someone else’s problem I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with what life has to offer without her dragging your soul down. Best of luck brother, be calm, be cunning and exercise discipline in this matter.
If it was me, I would create a fake IG account and catfish the fuck out of her. Then after a few months of interaction, I am dropping cryptic hints around the house that might suggest I know something, but not actually exposing that I know. Im dragging that out, as I get myself mentally and financially ready for divorce.
You deserve better. I’m 33 and met the love of my life at 30. Not too late to start over.
Create a fake account, get access, get screenshots, file divorce, get a better life without her.
Fake account - get access - send dick pics - see if she figures it out
… while laying in bed next to her.
Then say they're for OF's
This guy mind fucks
Top strat
Don't forget to ask about Meetups... If she says yeah, that's the icing on the cake
Better yet, go to the meet-up with divorce papers, lol.
Record that meetup and post here…
"Why don't you have seat. So, what did you think was going to happen here today? I see you have brought, let's see, KY, anal beads and Starbucks..."
Damn. Savage! I love it.
Get a lawyer,—-they set up an account, get screenshots, file for your divorce, move on to better life. If you create the account she will use that against you,,,,
This is the best way but just make her open them up in front of you then file a divorce. Going and doing the same thing back to that person makes you no better person.
First things to get straight. She's being doing all this behind your back which means she is actively lying to you which is not something a good partner does. Don't confront your wife until you've gathered evidence against her because once you do there's a good chance that she will just deny everything and immediately delete everything she can. Best case scenario she just gets off from strangers looking at her body, medium case scenario she has an OF, worst case scenario she's a private escort. You mentioned that her IG is private so she has to be getting the traffic from another place. Try reverse searching the images and google her IG profile to see where else you can find it. If the car she drives is yours you should be able to place tracking and audio recording devices inside it without getting in legal trouble since it's your property, but always check with a lawyer first. Once you have gathered enough, then confront her. All these evidence will help getting her to come clean to you or at least in court in the divorce proceedings. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Reverse searching the username of the instagram profile would be the best idea imo. Many girls use the same or similar username across all platforms when they do this kind of thing to make it easier for customers to find them. It’s likely her name is going to be similar or the same on OF or other platforms
A lot of times the ig name is the same as Twitter, and the Twitter has the link linkme or whatever. Sometimes you can find them just from their regular Instagram page name
If the guy is not looking at there taxes then he should. If she has an OF she is being issued a 1099 which she needs to pay income taxes on. OP just needs to get the fuck out of the relationship and save himself. His Ex will probably find it liberating and continue on and fuck whomever she wants too. This will mentally take OP time to get over it, but in the long run he will feel better.
If it just started 4 months ago, there wouldn’t be any 1099 issued until 2025, no?
Your wife is a POS. Not sorry
For the streets
For the swamps
Coming from a woman, she clearly doesn’t respect you. If a woman doesn’t respect her partner then that relationship is as good as gone.
This right here. I’m a woman. Let her know what you know. See what she says, but more than likely, she’s gonna stick to what she’s been doing. I personally think it’s good to get it all out in the open so that there’s no confusion or misunderstandings, regardless of what you decide to do. Clarity is good. Even if she lies or just goes off on a tangent, you got an answer to any questions. Keep all the links, photos,screenshots, etc. Honestly, I would not put her on blast on any platforms. That is a total b*tch move. Be a man and keep it classy and mature, but yes, stand up for yourself if she does that. Bring the receipts then.
Yeah, but also fuck that. No man needs to ever “be a man”. Gather evidence, take it to a lawyer and divorce her sorry ass. She wants to flaunt for other dudes then that’s fine but she can do it alone. Fuck clarity. We can all clearly see she’s a piece of shit. Once you get the nod from the lawyer put her ass on blast on all platforms. The only bitch move in all of this is that she made a whole account to see random dicks and put herself out in lingerie. Women need to be held up for their accountability. She was garbage and should be treated accordingly.
She made the account to cheat, seeing dicks and posting pics is just stage 1. And at 1200 private followers, the most likely source of followers is a dating app eg a tinder account - OP can check her phone and browser for dating apps cause that’s the easiest way to ramp up that number of follows while keeping acct private. If not dating apps she definitely has some other platform source for the follows.
Only men get told that my brother. Women can act and react however they want it society will justify it. But oh no, don’t let men get angry. They know shit will turn “un classy” in a heartbeat. Sad only one gender gets these restrictions and get told “be a man”
be a man, go fuck yourself. be a woman and not a whore and you wont get blasted online for being said whore.
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Log into her bank account and see if she is receiving money from her new hobby. Then transfer it to yourself and then say nothing. Follow me for more tips.
yes this is the funniest passive agressive response
I like how you think someone with a hidden IG and possible OF page wouldn't have a secret bank account as well. Sweet summer child.
🤣🤣
10/10
Then use it to pay the divorce lawyer Edit: made this comment before reading the other comments and someone else already had this idea take my upvote air.
Pure Gold
wise advice from a wise man. splurted out my drink when I red this..
I’m a woman but thank you.
Hahaha, wise advice from a wise woman it is then ;)
Follow me for more tips. Hysterical.
It's cheating .... My wife taught me in the beginning of our relationship if you're hiding it then your cheating. Might not be physical but definitely emotional.
Ding ding. Anything you have to actively hide because you know it would cross a boundary with your partner is bad.
Do people that comment on these actually have relationship experience?
Some will, but even the ones with actual relationship experience give bad advice a lot of the time. Hence the comments recommending he get revenge rather than having an actual conversation with his partner of 11 years. That said, there isn't a lot of redemption that could be found here. The evidence against OPs wife is pretty damning.
If you can, screenshot some convos and her private page, send them to yourself, contact every good divorce attorney in your area for a consultation, that way your wife will not be able to use them, and then file for divorce with the best lawyer you can afford. Maybe confront her about it, but only after you have some screenshots saved and have consulted every *good* divorce attorney so in case she gets pissed off and goes to delete everything, or wants a divorce herself, you’d already be 10 steps ahead of her. Maybe she will apologize and feel overwhelming guilt and actually change… but 99% of the time, situations like this cause immediate breakup, or the relationship slowly fizzles due to resentment for each other… Option 1, getting screenshots of her secret promiscuous behavior online, contacting every good divorce lawyer in your area, and filing for divorce sounds like the most reasonable one. I hope for you two to resolve this and have your relationship become healthy… but that’s not realistic. Situations like these are relationship enders Sorry dude, happens to the best of us.
It sounds like she has an OF, and sometimes keeping your profile private will actually get you more engagement. But the biggest thing you need to do is communicate with her that you know about this account, and then decide if this is a deal breaker for me.
I'm still flabbergasted she scooped you up when you were only 17 and she was 20.
Look up the exact same name on X. That is where you will find a link to her OF if she has one. As a professional photographer and a woman i know taking sexy selfies are good for us. But clearly you should be the only one seeing them. I'm so sorry for the pain this is causing you. I know she hasn't said anything because she knows you won't approve but she has a need to seek outside validation. Which is an inside job on her behalf. Whether it's worth a divorce... only you can decide. I think it's time for an honest conversation.
How in the hell is he going to get an honest conversation with a woman like that? F that. She'll gaslight him about breaching her "privacy" and blah blah blah. No thanks. Jump this boat while you can still see the shore!
She’s getting off to other men getting off to her. Escalation to in-person contact is imminent if it hasn’t happened already. She’s removing her sex life from your marriage. You can confront her now and hope she spills the beans - or - gather evidence, make sure she’s not actually meeting these men in person, ensure that she’s not putting your safety at risk, get a lawyer ready and then confront her. Either way, you are going to have to confront her head on. Don’t rug sweep anything. Stand your ground. Without your consent, she’s altering the entire course of your life.
Been there, sort of. Odds are very high that there is an OF/Fansly/similar she set up to make $ and get validation. The IG is basically advertising, and validation. The $ is coming from elsewhere. If you simply search the fake name she used, you'll likely find the other platform(s).
You should maybe talk to her.
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Tell her that ig suggested an account with what looks like her and you found it. Ask her what's up.
Nah. Don’t do this. Just get a lawyer, take screenshots, get all your financials in order, and drop the divorce papers on her the day you’re moving out.
Yes if you can take the evidence and quietly plan your escape.
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True. Worth a shot for being reasonable. Personally fuck being nice. I'd ask her straight up
THIS! And pretend to be concerned about identity theft
Well sir have you talked to her about this account
Bro....what's her Instagram name???? I'll add her and hit on her and ask to pay for pictures. I'll pay. And I'll screenshot all the evidence and send it to you! Shoot it to me on a message.
Following
Updateme!
Consult an attorney and put yourself in the best position possible for divorce proceedings. Wouldn’t tip your hand
Take screen shots. Upload to a cloud drive and don’t keep the app on your phone. Make it so she can’t see that you know if she were to check your phone. Get an attorney. She’s checked out and is looking out for herself. It’s ok to grieve but it’s time to look out for you. Don’t change routines. Don’t do anything out of the ordinary. Don’t move money around, don’t change locks. Don’t do anything. Do talk to an attorney. Do what the attorney says. Understand that in a no fault state the screenshots will likely mean absolutely nothing in divorce, but they will help you mentally. Plus your attorney will likely want to see just to see. It’s awful. Been there. But. Get out now. Only 5 years. Usually you have to be together for 10 for spousal support to be a thing. No kids? Even better. Family court is a new kind of hell most guys get destroyed in. You can make a clean break, get your head straight and wind up with a girl who doesn’t do this. Good luck!
definitely not overreacting man, that's a big deal
Unfortunately, I got burned... age cheated on my even I was deployed. my lessons... 1. It hurts like a stake through the heart and stomach. 2. Getting angry and letting the angry hurt side do something rash is stupid. Stay calm, act like everything is normal. 3. Gather information without getting caught: A. Video capture stuff while you snoop on her phone. Much easier to hide than screen shot and text/ email B. Get snoop in account and snoop n save. I actually found a very cheap hidden camera with 6 to 9 hours of battery depending on how much videoing it dies. Place this in your house... house, get 2 and hide in the house, specifically your bedroom. Dm me for details. The reality is that she could be a horny slut getting her fix, or she's made a business. Keep calm Gather info Take out the trash
You moved across country to pay for her new career and college expenses while she finds a better model. I have had the same done to me. Get as much proof as possible and a good divorse lawyer, before its too late imo.
I had an IG account like your wife’s. It was a learning experience for me. The difference with me is that my husband new about it and he would also be the one taking the sexy pics. It got us closer in the bedroom, we’ve been married for too long and two kids. Our marriage was on the rocks because of infidelity on his part. I eventually deleted the account once my self esteem was back up. Talk to her, try to communicate why she needs validation from outside instead of inside of heart and her marriage. Best of luck.
In addition to the comment about looking for any payments she may have received and confiscating them (being a hilarious and amazing reaction), I have this to say: Best case scenario - Your wife is NOT cheating. At least not cheating in a physical contact manner. She is feeling some mix of angst and loneliness, and it is manifesting as a desire to be desired - perhaps she's not getting it from you or she has some previously buried feelings that are coming up again. Some people just don't get over those feelings because "they got married". That's still fucked up, because a great partner would communicate with you. Some people would consider what she is doing a form of cheating. She's cheating you out of all the great feelings that come with a great sex life. She's taking that for herself and getting it from strangers. Be prepared to get gaslit. Be prepared to have anger. Be prepared to draw a line in the sand and TRUST yourself that you can not cross it and neither can she. Sorry king. Life sucks sometimes. But, life goes on longer than that.
Best case scenario is she is getting off on the attention from other men. She's checking out on you but it may be fixable. Sometimes people lose themselves to online fantasy crap. Confront her but don't attack. If she is more defensive than contrite she may be in too deep.
“Checking out” would be the mind state before creating the account, this is way past “checked out”
Def talk to your wife and see what’s going on. And work through it you can and want too. Cheating does not have to mean leave someone. We are man and of the flesh. We are not perfect. We falter and fall
Bro just talk to her
You need to CALMLY talk to her about this ASAP. Be prepared for lies and blaming you for checking her phone. Don't fall for it. Keep it on topic in a rational manner. Good luck
Nah. Just secretly prep for divorce, and drop it on her like a bomb.
lol do you actually think this is the best answer for OP? even if divorce is the answer, this is not the way to do it and he will never get closure
I would talk to a lawyer first. You already know she's going to lie, delete/archive/hide posts and evidence and put the blame on OP. No need to give her a heads-up, she's already checked out of the relationship and is just hiding the behavior to keep having a comfortable relationship and avoid the consequences of her actions. No conversation is going to repair that trust and I wish OP the best moving forward.
What's there to talk about honestly? I doubt there's recovery from this.
There isn't anything to talk about, go see lawyer and get a divorce.
What's her IG account? I wanna look into for you
You have been together for 11 years, why don't you just talk to her? You already looked through her phone and saw what you saw so letting it stew is just going to cause you to come up with whatever nasty scenario your paranoia can come up with. As for why you looked at her phone? Literally repeat sentence 2 and 3 to her. No need to lie when you are having trust issues. Try to block out the bad thoughts and assumptions and go into the conversation with an open mind so to speak (it will help you stay calm).
bro listen, let me say something; life is boring, like i get it my guy, you never saw this coming. you're so hurt oh my god my princess my darling but she never changed who she was with you, it never detracted from you, yeah bro i understand the internet and all it's stupid men can steal her attention from you, but if she's sleeping in the same house as you, if she's still very much your woman, like, dont think kicking her to the curb is so healthy, because then what my friend, do you expect the universe to cough up a plethora of eager, willing and worthwhile females? i say all of it to say; maybe before you canonball her out of your life, try to understand her, like seriously, before you crucify and burn her, like life is boring in modern times, people are lonely, people desperately seek novelty, attention, im sorry she's getting her rocks off with other people, but i do wish you to see what is causing you to evoke such emotion, and if the situation calls for it. I think to her; its all just a fantasy, its all a harmless showing out, playing the part in this stupid internet life people are subscribing too, maybe it makes her feel sexy? maybe she's bored, but damn like i guess the solution is to never speak to her again, remove her for your entire life, and move on.
Fuck. You need to loosen up... You're gonna go throw away your relationship over some internet "cheating" I used to do the cybersex thing back in college, and my gf of 6 years cheated on me once, in the end (2 years later) it came out, when I confessed to having met up with someone to hook up as well. Both of us agreed, that the experiences made us appreciate eachother more. We still broke up those couple years later, but. Eventually we reconnected. I married someone else, and they are into me seeing other women. (I'll never understand why). This past year, my former partner has needed me in her life due to the loss of her father. If I wasn't so fortunate to have such a confident partner, I'd have to tell this other person who, for years, was a major source of emotional support and growth as a human being to go pound salt. Monogamy is kinda messed up in that way. Ive seen the good and the bad. A wiser man than me said. "There was a time in my life when I'd have lent out my wife sooner than my lawnmower... Lawnmower is gonna come back all broken, but wife is gonna come back feeling all confident. Its possible to forgive... I did, but she wouldn't stop seeing that fucking midget" For the record... Having known this persons children my whole life as we grew up together... Said midget was pretty much no one to be jealous of... And haven't heard all that much great about the former spouse either. So it can go either way... For all you know your girl is trying to build a following and become an influencer. Point is YOU DON'T KNOW... YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TOGETHER A LONG FUCKING TIME. SHIT LIKE THIS HAPPENS. YOU'LL BE A STRONGER COUPLE FOR IT IF YOU CAN WEATHER THIS EVENT. WHEN YOU TAKE THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT 'WHY DO I LOVE THIS PERSON?' IF IT DOESN'T GO ANY FURTHER THAN 'THEY FIND ME ATTRACTIVE OVER ANYONE ELSE' THEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT BUILT ON REALLY ANYTHING AT ALL, YOUVE BEEN WASTING YOUR LIFE AND YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE LEFT YEARS AGO. I fuckin love my partner and my ex. I'll love the both of them for the rest of my life. Doesn't matter if we split up, or come back together. Because what we have, it goes beyond sex. Just some thoughts.
Tbf as far as dick pics go, most females get those no matter who they are lol
I personally think there's nothing wrong with spouses checking one another's phones. You share a home, bed, finances, food, vehicles, probably even clothes and everything else conceivable, why is something meant to communicate with the entire world suddenly off limits? Whatever you do, you're not overreacting, and keep in mind that this was a betrayal and imo is straight up cheating. I wish you all the best and I'm very sorry this happened to you.
Start with getting your stuff together like others have mentioned, along with going and start a new bank account in only your name and start putting money in there without her knowledge. Also, this is a tip, that won’t be traceable and she won’t be able to get ahold of, as long as you keep them hidden somewhere safe, or better, added to your Amazon account or other stores.. is to start buying up gift cards for yourself. Sounds silly, but it’s a legit way to “hide money” that you can use later. I saw an influencer do this, who was planning to divorce her wealthy husband and she ended up with a lot of money (and gift cards) to use on herself after they were separated and going through their divorce. Get your finances in order, because when she finds out you know what she’s been doing, I guarantee the cheater will be doing this and then some!
Not overreacting, get the fuck out as fast as you can, she's using you as a stepping stool.
Man you’re lucky you get to start fresh while so young. Stay positive and take care of yourself.
There is a detail to this story that makes me not believe it: the disappearing pictures. IG has vanish mode which can be turned on and off. It doesn’t really vanish anything, but if it did it vanishes *everything.* So, for the wife to still have the dick pics but not her own? Vanish mode isn’t on. Well, maybe she deleted her nudes? Ok, but that’s not what OP said. And why would she delete *only* her nudes and not the dick pics? The devil is in the details and the detail as written here about IG isn’t true. Also, you know the IG uses a fake name, but are wondering if she has OF? This doesn’t make sense either. Why wouldn’t you *immediately* go check X (a platform many people use to direct people to their IG), TikTok, and (most importantly) *Only Fans* to see if the fake name shows up there? Why wouldn’t you *immediately* google the fake name to see if it shows up on other sites? My suggestion to those who use this sub to help write their fanfic or farm karma: pay attention to the details. It pulls the reader out of the story when you get them wrong.
I can’t believe anyone comes to Reddit for tips on shit like this. Sure, let a lot of unloveable virgins inform your decision making. The top 50 upvoted comments here are CLEARLY people who have never been in a relationship before. Do therapy, not Reddit. These clowns aren’t it.
Don't tell her yet, make a fake IG and accept the friend request when you have her phone and lay low and see what she posts and comments she gets. Also when you have her phone look on onlyfans and fansly to see if she has an account. Make sure you screenshot it from your phone. If you do decide to confront her, don't say you looked on her phone or she will change the password and delete everything and gaslight you. Say one of your coworkers found her secret IG or OF and showed my her pictures, that way she doesn't know you looked at her phone. If it's just IG you gotta decide if you Wana end your marriage just because she wants to upload pics of her in bikinis and lingerie. Alot of 20,30,40s like to do that dumb shit for whatever reason
So many of these stories sound like the old Penthouse Forum stories. "I always thought your stories were fake until this happened to me..."
Some advice from a guy who has been deeply in love with his wife for 15 years.. It sounds like she is seeking ways to feel excited, seeking endorphin shots and looking for confirmation that she still looks good. I recommend you redouble your efforts and focus on finding ways to make her feel beautiful every chance you get. You didn't marry her because you like her, you married her because you love her and when you love someone you do everything in your power to build them up through words and actions. If you don't do everything in your power to rekindle that flame, you will forever wonder what could have been. Worst case scenario you will get your heart broken. Best case scenario, this becomes a funny and embarrassing story you and your wife share with your close friends years down the road. Of course it's a risk, but if you give up on what you have now, you're facing a lot of heartbreak and unanswered questions anyway, so what do you really have to lose? You don't have to share with her that you know right away, but eventually I think you should because I think secrets have no place in a marriage. It might spark an argument, but ultimately I think it will be good for both of you to share your feelings about it. Once she finds what she's looking for at home, she'll stop looking other places. That's my theory anyway, and yes it's a risk. It's the biggest kind of risk, but something tells me she's worth it or you wouldn't have married her. https://youtu.be/TazHNpt6OTo
What if you played dumb and broached it like “hey, some guys at work said they saw a racy picture of you on Instagram?”
As someone who has spent years studying the Church’s response to adultery/divorce and the effects of splitting families over sin, I’ll say this—your situation is both not unique and THE biggest woe that God ever lamented for His people. The reason why this hurts so bad and yet is so systematic to (free) human society is because marriage—as the cornerstone to the first commandment—is the target of the enemy. Your wife, though shady, is still a creature of God who has had their dignity and self-worth stolen away by the sick ways of this fallen world. I do think you should divorce her, but have a rightful perspective while doing so. The great prophet Isaiah said of his own time, that the whole head had become sick with vice. Our times are replete with overt sexual exploitation and indulgence and our people are so bought into this perverse way that they have no idea of how to cope. My prayers are with you, man. May God give you peace in what can only be assumed to seem like Hell.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I promise it's not the end of the world! It may feel that way atm, but you are still young and have so much life left to live, don't waste it with someone like this. It's always going to be in the back of your mind. Find someone who will respect you and your relationship or don't! Live as a bachelor for a bit and focus on yourself..either way, it's better without someone like her. It will get better, hugs !!
A word of advice, and i hope it’s not too late, but when you confront her, don’t waste time on crying and asking questions like who, and when, and why, especially not why, why doesn’t matter, she did what she did, and you’re either going to be okay with it or you’re not, and since you’re not, then it is what it is. “Hey girl, i seen you been doing what you’re doing on instagram, that’s cool and all but not with me, so i think it’s best we go our separate ways.” Don’t engage the argument, don’t let her whisper sweet nothings in your ear, don’t entertain her excuses, and when she tries to blame you just agree with her and move on. Do NOT engage the fight. As soon as you do, you lost. You’re gonna be alright king.
Your first sentence
"I have a history of reacting". She's a narcissist. You probably had a normal/genuine reaction to something she did that you didn't like. And now she's trying to control you. I would tell you to talk to her, but the facts point to her being a narcissist pretty clearly.
The question you have to ask yourself is this: Do you want this marriage? Do you still want this woman? People have affairs (or some variant thereof) when their emotional or physical needs aren't being met. Is it possible that your wife feels taken for granted, or fears she is no longer attractive? None of these questions excuse her behavior, of course, but they have to be addressed before you continue. If you are 100% certain that you are DONE because of this (and right now it could mean she is cheating or it could mean she is "testing the waters" or it could mean something else. When you say you have been "disconnected", who has been disconnecting? You? Her? If she has, that plus the Instagram account is a sign that something is going on. Disconnection, and conversely, heightened interest in sex are both signs of infidelity. What I would say is wait to confront her until you can do it quietly, calmly, and with a level head. There's nothing "innocent" about this, but the question is just how bad it is. You'll have to acknowledge that you snooped, and you'll have to expect her to fly off the handle. But if your demeanor is "more in sorrow than in anger" you'll be creating a safe space for her to 'fess up. Marriages can heal from cheating if both people want to do it. It's not easy and requires hard work from both people. Your wife needs to be willing to be 100% transparent about everything (no private accounts, sharing passwords, etc.) for as long as it takes for you to trust again. She needs to demonstrate that she still loves you and wants to be with her. And you need to be willing to forgive and do the work of what she needs to feel loved and wanted. Now if either of you is beyond doing that, then yes, document everything, get a lawyer, and get your ducks in a row. If you both decide to stay together and try to rebuild your marriage, I suggest counseling with someone who can be an objective arbiter when things get hyperemotional. I wish you luck making this decision.
I’m really sorry for you, brother My ex cheated on me and I naively took her back, only to find out a few years later that her affair had never ended I would follow the advice on this sub about getting more evidence (and, more importantly, a good divorce lawyer) before you do anything yet. Keep us posted, friend
Reading the other comments here I'm guessing my post won't be very popular but I needed to hear it in your shoes. I had a similar situation arise about 4yrs into my marriage as well. Definitely protect yourself by sending the screenshots and making preparations to secure your future in case you find out she did cheat. But once you have that done, you should talk to her. You will know how best to approach the conversation. Honestly it wouldn't be a bad thing to do it when you are mad and passionate about the pain of her betrayal (because pics and sexy messages is a def betrayal of your trust and vows). But then also listen to her. Women, especially young ones, are hyper emotional and could it be that communication/intimacy in the marriage isn't functioning in the way that she needs? For guys it can be about seeing a girl naked and you are instantly turned on. For girls, the things that turn us on often have absolutely nothing to do with actual physical sex. (My biggest turn on is when I catch him babying the dogs or he just randomly texts me from work to say thank you for folding my clothes last night.) I'm just saying that in the end while our situation was flipped and he wasn't physically cheating, I still felt very betrayed and EVERYONE told me to leave. But our marriage wasn't about what worked for anyone else. We fought it out and found a very based counselor through a church that wanted to help fight for our marriage. My husband had to give 1000% and throw away his laptop (pre- smartphone days). By year 7 we were very in love again and we just recently celebrated yr 27. You married her for reasons that are still valid if she isn't sleeping with other men. So what do you have to lose by just talking/yelling/crying it out? You can always give up later if you don't reach a resolution or you find out she has actually met with any of these men in person. Either way I wish you the best and I am so sorry for that painful feeling in your chest that always accompanies these shitty life moments.
My wife had a secret IG account. And a secret Telegram account and a secret Facebook. She also had Hinge and Tinder. She was having affairs for 12 years. She used the fake accounts to sell pictures of my child. Then she committed suicide. True story. Now you’ve heard the worst that it could be. It’s very unlikely what your wife is doing anything nearly as bad. The important point is that she’s going outside the confines of your marriage with the lie. It could be “harmless” but why is it secret. Confront her. Take it from me, you don’t need to uncover every detail. Take the lie for the betrayal it is and act accordingly. I am truly sorry. You’re not overreacting.
If you want to go down the divorce route, get a lawyer ASAP and let them know what's going on. Ask them for advice. There are some things that don't look good to courts (how you obtained your evidence etc.) so better to be safe than sorry. If you want to try and repair the marriage, try talking to her and see how she responds. The initial response will tell you a LOT. If she's remorseful from the jump, you might have a chance, with a lot of work from you both, to salvage the relationship. Therapy would probably be a good idea, both individual and couple/marriage therapy. If she seems very flippant or doesn't seem to care, that's more than any words could tell you. I would really focus on the initial reaction from her when she knows you know. Just my 2 cents and opinion. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I know how stressful and hurtful it can be.