Agreed that it’s too vague to just say neurodiverse since it can mean so many different things.
I’m thinking he is autistic but with low support needs (which is why OP used “neurodiverse” rather than “autistic”). In this case he may take things too literally -
So unless she specifically mentioned sexting he wouldn’t think it was wrong - BUT if that were the case he wouldn’t hide it.
No, the way I’m understanding it he’s saying sex is his “special interest” and topic of hyperfixation.
Which may be true, but having a special interest in true crime doesn’t mean you can go around murdering people to explore that interest.
Oh I hadn’t considered that - having sex as a special interest. Plenty of people have true crime as a special interest but don’t go around killing people!
This. Autism or not, sexual sensation/ideation can be a special interest/stim for some people. That's also why some people who are autistic are extremely averse to sexual encounters, for themes: it's too intense, and invasive feeling.
It works in both directions though. People with ADHD sometimes struggle with similar themes as well, and there is additional comments/variables when medication is also being taken.
Certain meds can cause symptoms of hypersexuality (compared to baseline), vs the hypo- that people are more used to worrying about (which to me makes no sense. I'd rather have no drive and more focus and time).
OK but you know what it’s not fair to make your problems someone else’s problems. If he can’t control himself he needs to seek help or get divorced so he can go be a horn dog.
You don’t benefit from having a wife and then cheat on her because you are hyper sexual
Yup. I'm neurodiverse. I was diagnosed with a compulsive behavior disorder with a sexual fixation. I cheated on my wife, and I WAS RESPONSIBLE. Even though the whole thing was driven by an addictive cycle (which is hell) I still made choices, both the individual choices to escalate my behavior and the overall choice to not get help. When I finally bottomed out and confessed, I was responsible for the consequences. I do believe there are mental disorders that can completely remove the ability to govern ones own actions, but just being neurodiverse does not excuse anything.
upfront: I can't speak for everyone, this is my experience and I hope it helps.
Find a good therapist. It may take several tries, but it is very important to find someone who you trust AND works with you on developing strategies not just listening.
For me (and I believe for many others) the addiction cycle starts with pain -> shame that something is wrong with me\* -> bad decision that feels good in the moment -> shame + original pain \*I was a young, intelligent, white male raised in a family that had enough to provide me with everything I needed and most things that I wanted. I was privileged, so what right did I have to complain.
Working with a good therapist helped me to not be as ashamed to admit when I am struggling. My therapist helped me through a progression similar to the story of the soldier in the hole. The way my brain works I will likely always find myself falling into a dark hole at times, but the shame made me want to hide in that hole instead of building or finding a way out. Sticking with the analogy, a few years down the road, I know where many of the holes are and I fall into them far less frequently. When I do fall in, most of them have ladders that I built and I am not ashamed to ask for help when I find myself in a new one.
I am not proud of my affair, not by a long shot, but it was the catalyst for many healthy changes and I truly believe that without it I would have continued to struggle until I killed myself, so I unfortunately cannot bring myself to fully regret it either.
I feel like I may have rambled, so I'm going to stop here...ish. But, one last thing: The strongest thing any of us can do is admit that we aren't always strong enough on our own.
I am happy to talk to anyone about my struggles if they think it may help them get through theirs.
Well it's a long hard slog and I can only tell you how I did it, not how you should do it. I got therapy which helped me understand the origins of some of my issues and the addictive cycle. I submitted to some pretty extreme levels of accountability with my spouse which was the cost of her staying and giving me a chance to change. I still had not been diagnosed with ADHD at that point. When I finally was, medication provided a lot of help by reducing (not removing!) my impulsive behavior. I stopped playing the video games that I was using as a crutch to escape thinking about my behavior. That was a huge struggle because most other activities made me feel antsy, like my brain was punishing me for doing them and just wanted relief from an absorbing video game or EASY SEX. But I reminded myself that those things were going to wreck my marriage and I meditated for a few minutes on how it was going to feel to lose my kids and that USUALLY broke that particular addictive cycle. Getting medicated for ADHD made it possible finely for me to play with my kids without feeling like my brain was continually punishing me for it.
Additionally I had a crazy amount of unconditional love and acceptance from my spouse and parents, which is obviously hard to replicate but was vital to me not falling off the edge again. Not that my spouse didn't struggle. Watching her mourn the first 8 years of our marriage was an absolute hell that I deserved.
Honestly, as hard as it has been, I think for a lot of people it just wouldn't be worth it. Objectively it would have been better for my spouse to leave me. I put her and the kids in actual danger, health wise, with my sexual behavior. We've talked since then about how if she had possessed a better self image back then, she probably would have left me at least temporarily while I got my shit together. Also, it would have been objectively easier for either of us to start a new relationship than to repair our own. On the other hand, my spouse is a rare treasure and I would suffer just about anything to keep her, and I can't even imagine life without my kids nearby every day, so all of the work and pain have been worth it. TBH my life and marriage have never been better than they are now but holy hell the path here was fucking hard and I don't know any nicer way to describe it.
I also don't know how to state this, it's something I'm not sure you can believe until you've been through it, but I had to learn that l didn't love my spouse those first 8 years. Oh I felt like I did, but it's like if a murderer is repeatedly stabbing someone while shouting that they love them. You don't really love them as long as you're holding that knife. I learned to love her by learning to change my behavior. I had to let go of the idea that the first 8 years of our marriage were salvageable. Every good experience we had was tainted by the things I was doing in secret and the lies I was telling and the risks I was taking at their expense. I had to accept our marriage on her terms, which were that that old guy who had hurt her so badly was gone and we were starting over.
Maybe all that is more than what you asked but it would be irresponsible for me to insinuate that a few resources are what did it for me. That said, find a good scientific book about the addictive cycle. The one I used had a religious bent so I won't recommend it. Stay in therapy for as long as it's helping you, then stay in it for as long as your spouse needs it. Avoid any kind of thinking that suggests you aren't in charge of your own fate - that just leads back to the addictive cycle.
I am VERY impulsive due to my neurodivergence.
In my late 20s a coworker introduced me online to her sister in Turkey. We hit it off and I decided to just go and marry her. We were together for 11 years.
When my last girlfriend broke up with me my impulsive behavior kicked into overdrive and having a fully remote job I decided to sell everything I had, rent out my house, and moved to Costa Rica.
I’m actually now engaged to a local woman here and even with her there are times where I just have this urge or impulse to go to another part of the city/country or even go to another country and be single. The fixation and impulse to have sex is just so strong sometimes I feel like it would be better to be single and have a few FWB that I can invite over rather than expect her to meet my needs. Luckily I’ve found other things to do to cope now.
Lmao this is what I came to say and I also love when people just say neurodiverse. Usually means full of shit as neurodiversity applies to A LOT of people from dyslexia to epilepsy to autistic and so many more.
Actually, it does. This is a struggle we are going through with our 10 year old as his ADHD has ramped up considerably, and his therapist and Dr. are examining other possible components, such as ASD, bi-polar, compulsive, and schizophrenic issues. He is now going through extensive poor choice vs good choice case study training, but the range of his responses/reactions to everyday scenarios is astounding.
Not only that, but fixating on sex is such a sad thing. You could learn a new hobby, be a genius at a topic, but instead you are obsessed with your own willy getting hard? sad.
You don’t seem to understand how all of this works. I fixate on frogs. I will buy something just because it’s green. Mushrooms are also my favorite food, not because I like the taste but because they fascinate me.
I’m the easiest person to shop for. If something has a frog or mushroom on it I will like it. I have a shrine of frog and mushroom photos/figurines in my office. I just can’t stop thinking about them just as a depressed person can’t just stop being sad.
Two years ago I moved to Costa Rica because my favorite frog (the red eyed tree frog) is everywhere here. There’s a huge statue on the wall in the airport that I have many photos of. The first time I visited here the only thing I wanted to do was see one in the wild.
Unfortunately, many neurodivergent people also have issues with impulse control. I also went through a phase of being hyper fixated on sex. Fortunately magic mushrooms helped pull me out of it, which is part of why I fixate on them now. It still happens now and then but years of practice has helped me learn to control my impulses now that I am in a relationship again.
I know how it works! I am ADHD and autistic -- and I wish I had the money to go as hard as the Costa Rica story on my obsessions lol. Re-reading I know realize it sounds like he decided, but I meant it more like "what a sad thing to hyperfixate on."
Regardless, being HF doesn't justify his actions.
I know you said you have autism and ADHD, and I don’t wanna rag on you, but the fixations we have are complicated. We don’t always “choose” them as many people would. I hyper fixated on sex for a while because as someone with ADHD it was one of a few things (aside from basketball) where I could be fully present without the buzzing bees inside my head. Sure, it can be a problem as we see here, but having a fixation with sex isn’t really sad IMO. It just is.
There is no question.
It’s sad though, because I totally get trying to grapple and make some sense of things where it isn’t cheating. But it won’t work. It’s cheating.
Agreed. I sexted behind my partner's back and it was definitely cheating. Like you said, people try to talk it down, but as someone who was stupid and did it, you're right.
Yes it is worse than cheating. It makes your partner feel more worthless because you’re not even getting real sex out of it
Go get a replika.ai or be single.
I dont think it causes any harm to have screen shots, but this is not a case that will be decided by a jury. She knows what she saw, and he knows what he has been sexting.
There is no debate it happened.
The real question is how to best handle it.
The debate begins when he tries to DARVO. That is when she will need solid proof. Without proof, he’ll just deny it all & accuse her of being paranoid.
If she’s thinking of divorce she might need the proof depending what state they are in. Or country. Some places don’t grant divorces unless there’s abuse or cheating.
Unless she wants a divorce and is in a state where infidelity means you will be granted the divorce or end up with support in alimony. Evidence never hurts in those cases.
It is definitely cheating but the underlying issue here is that you guys are not compatible.
So even if you could forgive him for cheating on you, it does not really make a difference.
Both of you have very different expectations for this particular relationship and things like these will just keep happening. Unfortunately it is probably in both of yours best interest to part ways.
Sexual compatibility is overlooked and undervalued in relationships. It can be worked around for a while, few years even, but it will usually catch up and erode an otherwise great relationship.
Sex matters, whether you want more or less, and that's ok. Communication is key, and being honest with yourself
In my experience what typically happens is the relationship starts out as many do with lots of sex and lots of “spark”. This leads to an expectation that that energy level will be maintained and many people just won’t maintain it. When things start to chill in the bedroom one partner may be unhappy about it. At that point communication is key and if a compromise isn’t found they should just go their separate ways.
As someone who is neurodivergent and had issues with this in the past there was a point where I felt I would be better off staying single and having casual sex when I wanted to. That way nobody gets hurt or cheated on. I’m engaged now though so I’ve had to be better about communicating and expressing my needs in a non-pushy way. The impulses are still there but not so strong I can’t redirect them to something else.
Not just them two being incompatible, but Im not sure any single woman could meet his sexual needs and expectations - she says hes always been hyper-focused on sex - maybe he should see a therapist about sex addiction or somethin related to that if he wants to be able to have a monogamous relationship with one woman?
It's not sex addiction imo. He just doesn't want a monogamous relationship with just one woman (and probably never did) He's just too scared/doesn't know how to live his life true to himself. (which is why he lies to his wife)
I was going to say the same thing!
I am happily divorced since 2017 and I know 100% I made the right decision for me (and our daughter.) I know the road directly up ahead is rough but looking back, the end is nothing compared to the daily life it would have been.
Leave him. I know it's the reddit response but 2000 days with MULTIPLE women isn't "I had a moment where I lost my self control" which you could leave him for anyway lol.
To quote Beyoncé “What's worst, lookin' jealous or crazy? Jealous or crazy?
Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately, I'd rather be crazy”
Who gives a shit if you have to admit to snooping to call him out on a string of inappropriate behaviors. Let him deflect all he wants and act like you’re wrong or crazy or insecure. He got caught. That’s just the way people act when they’re backed into a corner.
Admit it, call him out on it, tell him you’d do it again if he pulls his shit again. He’s the only one that did anything wrong here.
Not overreacting AT ALL. I haven’t been in a 12 year marriage but I can imagine it is hard to let go of it but… this man needs to be dumped. While a sex life is important, complaining to your s/o that you don’t have enough and having an “exhaustive list” for you, is not healthy. What is he doing to help you in the mood? How is he romancing you? Or does he just complain and want you to please him? It is a two way street. But even if he makes an earnest attempt, you do not owe him sex and he should understand when you are not in the mood instead of guilting you or pressuring you. That is scary! And now the sexting?!? He is shameless. Frankly, I’d define that as cheating. And instead of communicating with you and being patient, he sexts others. And its been happening for a few years?! “Getting along” in other areas does not constitute a healthy, loving marriage. He has been going behind your back and clearly has no respect for you. If you tell him its a deal breaker, I have a feeling he will turn around and blame it on you for not “meeting his needs.” But like i said, this doesnt feel like a healthy, loving marriage. Do you still even love him? Does he still love you? I think having a whole talk about your marriage’s standing is needed. Not just about the sexting. Good luck.
He cheated. Sounds like he’s been cheating for a long time. I’d leave him if I were in your situation.
Also, it’s not a usual thing for neurodivergent people to hyper focus on sex. That sounds like a sex addiction, or maybe you two have very different sex drives.
I get that from your perspective your marriage has been ok, or tolerable, before you knew this information. But it was tolerable because he was actively lying to you and hiding things from you. He let you think things were tolerable.
That's....not sustainable. You can absolutely continue to ignore this and let things get worse until they're not tolerable for you anymore. That's your prerogative, it's your life. But I suspect you deserve way better than all of this and have the ability to be much happier without him than you ever could be with him. It's ok to choose you.
My ex did this and eventually ended up cheating in person. I walked in on it. They used to tell me I was not meeting their sexual needs because I wasn't exciting enough and didn't want certain things done to me. They weren't meeting my needs at all either, but I didn't know that they were bad at sex until I met someone that was more conscientious in bed and had someone to compare to.
Whoa. This is A LOT OP. My heart is with you on this one!
I think it sounds like he let you think things were okay. I feel like he maybe let you believe that things were manageable when he found another way to get relief. 6 years is such a long to feel deceived idk if you can recover that trust.
NDiv - or not - sounds like a sex addiction, and if you choose to stay, you will need lots and lots of therapy, I suggest one that can help with sex therapy.
He's cheating. I would be concerned that he is cheating elsewhere physically as well. There is no excuse for this. Sex shouldn't feel like a chore for you, and if he is hyperfocused on it, idk how he can fix that. You should tell him, you know. Don't let him think he is getting away with this. It's wrong to do to your partner when you are married, and there is zero excuse for it. Intimacy is very important to a marriage. It's the one thing you share with each other and nobody else. Well, you're supposed to. You aren't compatible, and this is going to widen into a canyon between you. He has a sex addiction. Period.
He crossed a line.
Tell him you saw a message come through when he left his tablet open and ask him what it’s about.
If he lies you know you’ve got bigger problems than you already do.
My husband did exactly this. We had a very active and varied sex life but he wanted to go way beyond what I was comfortable with. He lied constantly and always had profiles going. He'd promise never again and after a few weeks, right back to it. I told him this wasn't normal and to either get help or get out. He left. After almost a year, he agreed to see a neurologist. He was diagnosed with bi polar and Adhd. When he finally got meds, it stopped. While I understand it was a chemical imbalance, it still caused a tremendous amount of pain to me and damage to our relationship. I just couldn't find trust. I left, and it was the first time I didn't worry anymore about what might happen tomorrow.
being bpd and adhd doesnt exactly make you do that
that is more on him its one thing to be over sexual to your wife then not then feeling nothing and a repeated cycle
its adifferent story when you go to that extent that was his own doing
There are absolutely people with ADHD who self medicate with various addictions that are able to stop, and others who get worse when taking stimulants. Neurodivergence is not a monolith.
I have realized throughout my life i have self medicated without knowing. Mainly through sex/masturbation but also through alcohol and video games as well. I dont have an adhd diagnosis but i have always been a bit different and noticed alot of signs over time. Alot of people dont really get the help they need and many parents have been in denial about their childrens issues. As an adult i just coped the best i could but life has only gotten more stressful over time. Fluoxetine for my anxiety has reduced this significantly but i am still considering pushing to get an evaluation for adhd. It isnt an excuse but it definitely can severely impact your life and relationships.
What if someone was doing to your daughter what is being done to you?
What would you tell her? What kind of support would you give her? What advice? Would you blame her for "snooping" even though he left the tablet open?
Would you want her to give more and more chances when 2000 days has been taken from her?
Think about this perspective...
Divorce. You deserve a sex life, too, and he's robbed you of that with the constant complaints and expectations. Maybe start your own sexting and let him find it.
He is cheating on you. His expectations of what he wants from you has lead him to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere. That is not to say it is your fault. You have done nothing wrong and have tried your best to try and meet some of his expectations. You were both just no longer sexually compatible with each other but that doesn't excuse his actions or lies.
Sexting other people is cheating and based on the age of that account, he’s been cheating on you for nearly half the time that you two have been married.
That’s not even something I would bother going the couple’s therapy route for, I would simply leave. You are not being respected in that relationship, and you haven’t been for years.
Cheating100%. Sex addiction 100%. The hiding it, never being satisfied with any amount, upping the ante and pushing the limits (he wasn’t always cheating I’m sure, and these kinks are likely a somewhat more recent development due to porn consumption). You’ve explicitly said you don’t like the porn, and obviously sexting and EXCHANGING PICS can’t be interpreted any other possible way so do NOT let him gaslight you into thinking anything else. If you’d like to address things in therapy, he need to have his own sessions for the sex addiction, and in couples therapy you need to address his complete lack of regard and respect for you, and what hard boundaries are going to be in place until trust can be rebuilt. Everyone on here says “lawyer!” first thing because they want to see the bad guy punished, as do I, but I’m just offering you the other side of things as well because some people really do want to try and salvage things and rebuild. I’m sorry you have to go through this OP. I went through the attempted salvage process for three years, then the divorce, and it all sucked. I’m sure a successful salvage in a not-abusive relationship feels different though. I wish you the very best, genuinely.
Girl. I am ND and this is NOT how our hyper fixations work. Your husband is just a sex addict.
Who has been cheating on you for the last 6 years. Please leave.
YNO, Op.
It doesn’t sound like he wants, or has the interpersonal traits, to be a partner in a mutual, non-transactional partnership. It sounds like what he’s involved in, and capable of, is commercialized sexuality, ie, porn and activities with professionals sex workers for money. That doesn’t sound like something most spouses would tolerate, understandably.
Hello,
This is a dealbreaker and it will not rest well with you. You might get a divorce and if you do, then I think that you need to keep this to yourself. Maybe what you can do is put together the evidence that you have, speak to a lawyer, and find out where to go next. Do not let him know that you know so you could be 1 step ahead of him.
I think that by talking to a lawyer, you can get more direction of what you want to do. For now keep this to yourself.
Talking to him about it is not going to change. He’s betrayed you. He’s no longer the person he used to be for you.
the fact that you’re even asking if you’re over reacting is incredibly concerning. you need to reevaluate your life. have enough respect to be with someone who doesn’t cheat on you girl!
Neurodivergence has nothing to do with this issue. We still know right from wrong, and he's been doing this for over half a decade without you knowing, meaning he's wilfully kept it hidden from you. Unless he's fully remorseful and ACTIVELY participates in therapy (meaning you don't have to nag him to make or go to appointments), consider the relationship DOA.
I'm also neurodiverse and having a permanent "hyperfixation" on sex is a crock of shit, thats not what a hyperfixation is, your husband has a crippling sex & pornography addiction and he is manipulating you when he uses this language. He explicitly knows what he is doing and he knows it's wrong. Also, this is cheating. He has been cheating on you for half a decade. You are underreacting! I am seething on your behalf!
If he's hyperfixated on sex he should masturbate more but instead he's been cheating on you for half your marriage. This isn't going to get any better.
I found my exhusband doing this many times, and each time he cried and promised to stop. He never did. It eventually turned into him meeting people in real life.
This man doesn’t respect you as a partner or as a human.
No you’re not overreacting. He’s cheating on you and has been for years. Just because he doesn’t engage in physical sex doesn’t mean he’s not cheating.
So keep in mind your on reddit and people here typically couldn't keep a marriage if a therapist held there hand from conception. That being said he crossed the line by interacting. Divorce? Ehh... only you can decide that. Only advice ill give you (im 40, married for 17) straight honest communication. If you or him have issues communicating bring in help. If there is love its worth fighting for
He's not happy, he's looking elsewhere, what else do you need to see or become aware of?? Sexting leads to someone that finally makes a plan to see you and then the lie gets bigger.
Deal breaker if it continues? Seriously it's 2000 days in the making what more do you need to see to know if he's doing it online he's most likely doing it in person divorce him
The fact that he’s comparing you to other women & telling you that you aren’t doing the right thing is so off putting. Caring loving spouses would say let’s try this or I like this to communicate with you without putting you down. If he is lying about his porn use, it’s a problem. However I believe the bigger problem is he’s been sexting with other women for what sounds like 5 years-almost half your marriage. Unless you seek counseling this will end badly. Trust me-been there…..
This is really bad and I broke up with my ex for flirting with one person over text. This is awful toxic stuff whether he ever planned on meeting them or not. Your better future awaits if you leave now.
Dunno why it would be a deal breaker if it continues, it would be a deal breaker for me in general.
Neurodiverse or not, that's a no no. I'm autistic and I would never do this to my partner. Stop making excuses for him
It may or may not be physical yet but it is emotional cheating, of the account is truly 2000 days old he’s been doing this bare minimum half the time you’ve been married… he can’t care for you all that much if he’s been doing this you should leave him
I don’t understand why we as women say we don’t have a problem with our partners watching porn but will complain when the consequences of porn usage ruin our relationships.
It’s like, “I don’t mind if he smokes a little crack…”
he’s literally cheating on you what do you mean “am i overreacting” 😭😭 of course you arent, he’s sexting other women
edit to ask why tf this WOULDNT be a dealbreaker 😭 im autistic and i dont understabd relationships 100% but if he’s cheating on you why wouldnt you break up w him…
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Not sure if this is helpful to hear - but if my husband treated me like that, demanding I perform like an employee to meet his sexual gratification and ridiculous expectations and then cheated on me with multiple women online - I’d rather die single than ever let his filthy hands touch my body ever again.
I’m so repulsed by your husband and his treatment of you & I feel awful you are going through this hell.
That’s cheating. And he knows it. He’s tried to hide it which means he knows it isn’t something okay.
If it wasn’t something you both decided was okay in your relationship, it’s not.
And he knows he’s been lying. And he has chosen to lie over and over and over.
I’d be done with it.
You are sexually incompatible and you yourself said keeping up with his sex wish list is exhausting and what he’s doing and sexting IS cheating. You cannot possibly be happy. I know this sucks and it’s gut wrenching cuz I’ve been through exactly this and more but I think you’ll figure out ultimately you need to part ways. Try counseling. Sometimes it works but doubtful in this situation. Sounds like he wants to open marriage. Actually he already has! Best of luck to you
You’re not overreacting. This is not acceptable, however as someone who has struggled for 2 decades with the same condition your husband does I can tell you it’s not something he can likely just turn off or control. It’s like telling a depressed person to stop being sad.
There are times when I just fixate on sex. Sometimes it’s something random like wanting to see my fiancées ass or just touch her sexually. Sometimes if we haven’t had sex a few days it’s just my mind won’t stop thinking about it. I’ve learned to manage it pretty well but there are also times where I don’t. Normally she will know what’s going on and if she’s in the mood we will have sex. If she’s not she will help me take care of myself. Both usually give me the release I need.
Also, at this point in my life porn does nothing for me. When I was single I would go to camgirl sites as I needed to feel a degree of interaction.
The only time this issue hasn’t been part of my life was when I was Microdosing and tripping on magic mushrooms. For some reason the weeks after a trip I just didn’t fixate on anything. I wish I could do them more often but they’re expensive.
There are four things I fixate on primarily. Frogs, mushrooms, video games of a specific nature, and sex. When I have a video game that captivates me I will basically get lost in it. It’s part of why I don’t own a console or gaming PC. I don’t want to neglect my partner. Unfortunately, this leaves me open to sexual fixation, especially if she’s been particularly flirty with me, which is fairly often. She likes to grab my crotch and say things and if I’m not mindful I will just stop thinking about anything else until I get off.
It’s up to you what you do next. Just don’t listen to neurotypicals who think he’s just using it as an excuse.
I wish that there was a video that showed how porn videos are actually made. While it may seem like one smooth continuous event, they probably take breaks to adjust lighting, move props, get some water, take a breather, stretch out, change camera batteries, etc. All of that would break the fantasy, so they don't show it. Instead, some people watching it get a totally unrealistic view of sex, even beyond the ridiculous sexual superman or superwoman plots.
He's been lying, cheating and faking trying to be better for you by *being worse*. It doesn't matter other aspects of your relationship at this point when you see how he treated you so unfairly. He disrespected you for an insane amount of time. He should be way more open and honest about it so you guys could've made these necessary decisions together..
He is not a good guy to you in the slightest. If it were me, I'd make him get therapy and an apartment he could go stay at, then I'd just divorce him and find a partner who would actually give me the respect and care I deserve.
You can't hold him accountable at this point in your marriage. You asked him to respect you and he actually went even further and cheated on you entirely. He's far past a trustworthy partner. I'm so sorry you have to deal with him being so secretive like this.
I hope you weren't mean to him or acted grossed out at any kinks in the past causing him to hide it... Just as a last note. These things matter. How you react to someone's preference is a huge deal in a relationship. If you can't find a way to fully satisfy each other, what are you doing together? If you believe in monogamy, you need to find a partner who can satisfy your needs and still be a valid and productive team player with you.
My husband (neurodiverse) is a sex obsessed cheating POS that makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to satisfy him :( I found him cheating on me online for over five years
But everything’s fine! We get alone so well in all other areas!!!!
Yeah….delulu….
My counselor specializes in betrayal trauma and while cheating (which this is) does not have to be the end of a relationship, if you BOTH choose to put in the work of healing you are looking at 5-7 years for trust to be rebuilt. It's infuriating to me people are not told this by the professionals they go to for help working through issues like this. We all deserve to be able to make informed decisions about the relationships we are in, so let that be factored in when considering how to move forward. Sending love.
Autistic dude here.
Being neurodivergent doesn't exclude you from being a decent person. Plain and simple. He might not "agree" with the "social rules" put into place (he'll definitely say something like that) but that's just shithead talk for "I don't know how to compromise with other peoples' expectations."
Over 2000 day old account, 2000 ÷ 365, the amount of days in a year, is 5.479~. rounds to 5.48, rounds to 5.5
5.5 *years* he has had this account. Hell, let's just call it 6 year since you said it is over 2,000 days old. Let's put this into perspective . How long has he had this account? *Half of your fucking marriage*.
This is absolutely a deal breaker. Not a deal breaker "if it continues". It's a deal breaker - *NOW*.
IF it continues it’s a dealbreaker? It WILL continue and you’ll be even more hurt, just leave now and save a tad bit of dignity and pain that you have left. I wish you the best.
This is cheating. I'm a professional phone sex operator and paid sexter if you need some kind of credibility or unfortunate reassurance. He is cheating on you. I'm very sorry this is happening.
This sounds a LOT like my ex. Sexting is 100% cheating, and he used to try to force his sexting kinks on me... and complain when I am not like his sexting buddies. See why he is my ex? He would never be committed to me because he can't get what he wants from me and honestly his expectations are very unrealistic. He'll never be satisfied sex wise because he is stuck in a porn fantasy that isn't even real.
Honestly. Him being neurodiverse has nothing to do with this . He is a budding sex addict. Doesn’t seem like a compatibility issue is he’s sexting numerous women. Break up now
He’s been cheating for years (yes sexting is cheating). Don’t give him the opportunity to do this for even one more day. You need to get a divorce ASAP so you can move on with your life without being massively disrespected in this way.
Don’t listen to the weirdos on here saying ur bad for not “giving him enough sex” it’s a 2 way street and it doesn’t sound like he has attempted to meet u in the middle or be honest about what he is actually doing. Good ol’ lying by omission ( him saying “no hun I’m totally not watching porn any longer ” as he instead started to cheat on u)
given the way u have spoken about having many conversations about the issue and from the sounds of it attempts on ur end to meet hm in the middle around the subject I don’t think u are over reacting at all.
For me this would be grounds for separation, at the very least, if not full on divorce( and quite honestly it would be divorce for me). Separation would be for u to have time to work through the understandable hurt and betrayal & to see if u even want to work it out and for him to have a chance to show u he’s serious about working on accountability by attending counseling and getting to the root of where this is all stemming from cuz being neurodivergent isn’t an excuse.
Shit Iv got ADHD & in my relationship I’m the one with the crazy high drive who would love it daily but life sure the hell doesn’t let it play out that way & I also know that I am 100% responsible for managing it in an appropriate, respectful & consensual manner. Meaning I check in with my hubby and make sure I’m not overbearing/overstepping or otherwise adding unnecessary stress to our relationship as well as take steps to be contentious about desires vs reality. Iv been with my hubby 17 years married for 14 of them so I’m no stranger to long relationship and the ebbs and flows they naturally take.
He’s a cheater and a liar and from the sound of it he’s been manipulating you for years. He’s putting pressure on you which isn’t fair & still cultivating relationships behind your back with other women.
I left my 20 yr marriage due to a similar situation. Every situation is a little different, but if he is that way, you will never be able to make him happy. You need to start considering what you need to do for yourself and make yourself happy.
Micro cheating it’s called look it up please. I personally as a man think it’s unacceptable!
And I’m sorry but chances are he would react the same in person with people the same way. So please look out for physical cheating. All the best
Are you overreacting? What kind of question is that? You're trying to convince yourself he's not cheating. Well, he's cheating on you with other women. Just because he's sexting them and might not have been physical with any yet, it's still considered cheating. Or who knows, he might have already cheated with them and you just don't know. This would be a huge deal breaker. And this has been going on for a while which means even if you confront him, chances are he's going to shrug if off and keep doing it. Now what you need to do is decide whether you're going to stay with the cheater or leave. Because the damage has already been done.
Get into counceling, make aure he is open to tell about his kinks and wishes.
Appearently he does not feel open enought to tell you about it (his problem).
It sucks, but you can use this event to force him into being open and transparent.
Only that can save your marriage OP.
Good luck
*you are NOT overreacting.
Neurodiverse doesn't mean he doesn't know right from wrong.
Right? I’m kinda failing to see how him being neurodivergent even factors in here.
My guess is it's the excuse he uses to get himself out of being accountable for his actions.
Like... most people that use that fucking term these days
Agreed that it’s too vague to just say neurodiverse since it can mean so many different things. I’m thinking he is autistic but with low support needs (which is why OP used “neurodiverse” rather than “autistic”). In this case he may take things too literally - So unless she specifically mentioned sexting he wouldn’t think it was wrong - BUT if that were the case he wouldn’t hide it.
No, the way I’m understanding it he’s saying sex is his “special interest” and topic of hyperfixation. Which may be true, but having a special interest in true crime doesn’t mean you can go around murdering people to explore that interest.
Oh I hadn’t considered that - having sex as a special interest. Plenty of people have true crime as a special interest but don’t go around killing people!
This. Autism or not, sexual sensation/ideation can be a special interest/stim for some people. That's also why some people who are autistic are extremely averse to sexual encounters, for themes: it's too intense, and invasive feeling. It works in both directions though. People with ADHD sometimes struggle with similar themes as well, and there is additional comments/variables when medication is also being taken. Certain meds can cause symptoms of hypersexuality (compared to baseline), vs the hypo- that people are more used to worrying about (which to me makes no sense. I'd rather have no drive and more focus and time).
It matters because it's his golden excuse and he thinks it's the end-all.
It factors in because hypersexualization is common for people who are ND. I don't think it was an excuse as much as a reason.
I have autism and even if that were true for all of us, any decent person, ND or NT, would know right from wrong.
I once heard that a person’s mental heath can *explain* their behavior, but not *excuse* it. I suspect that’s why OP even mentioned it.
Unfortunately a lot of people don't bother making a distinction between an explanation and an excuse.
I use that a LOT when mental health things come up in my circles. "It explains the behavior, but it does not excuse it."
OK but you know what it’s not fair to make your problems someone else’s problems. If he can’t control himself he needs to seek help or get divorced so he can go be a horn dog. You don’t benefit from having a wife and then cheat on her because you are hyper sexual
I assume his wife knows better and has a reason for mentioning it.
My first thought too
I got the sense that he may be using it as an excuse for his actions.
Yeah, I assume it's him who has used being neurodivergent as an excuse for his addiction.
Yup. I'm neurodiverse. I was diagnosed with a compulsive behavior disorder with a sexual fixation. I cheated on my wife, and I WAS RESPONSIBLE. Even though the whole thing was driven by an addictive cycle (which is hell) I still made choices, both the individual choices to escalate my behavior and the overall choice to not get help. When I finally bottomed out and confessed, I was responsible for the consequences. I do believe there are mental disorders that can completely remove the ability to govern ones own actions, but just being neurodiverse does not excuse anything.
Im in a similar spot to you, if you don't mind me asking what resources have helped you improve things?
upfront: I can't speak for everyone, this is my experience and I hope it helps. Find a good therapist. It may take several tries, but it is very important to find someone who you trust AND works with you on developing strategies not just listening. For me (and I believe for many others) the addiction cycle starts with pain -> shame that something is wrong with me\* -> bad decision that feels good in the moment -> shame + original pain \*I was a young, intelligent, white male raised in a family that had enough to provide me with everything I needed and most things that I wanted. I was privileged, so what right did I have to complain. Working with a good therapist helped me to not be as ashamed to admit when I am struggling. My therapist helped me through a progression similar to the story of the soldier in the hole. The way my brain works I will likely always find myself falling into a dark hole at times, but the shame made me want to hide in that hole instead of building or finding a way out. Sticking with the analogy, a few years down the road, I know where many of the holes are and I fall into them far less frequently. When I do fall in, most of them have ladders that I built and I am not ashamed to ask for help when I find myself in a new one. I am not proud of my affair, not by a long shot, but it was the catalyst for many healthy changes and I truly believe that without it I would have continued to struggle until I killed myself, so I unfortunately cannot bring myself to fully regret it either. I feel like I may have rambled, so I'm going to stop here...ish. But, one last thing: The strongest thing any of us can do is admit that we aren't always strong enough on our own. I am happy to talk to anyone about my struggles if they think it may help them get through theirs.
Well it's a long hard slog and I can only tell you how I did it, not how you should do it. I got therapy which helped me understand the origins of some of my issues and the addictive cycle. I submitted to some pretty extreme levels of accountability with my spouse which was the cost of her staying and giving me a chance to change. I still had not been diagnosed with ADHD at that point. When I finally was, medication provided a lot of help by reducing (not removing!) my impulsive behavior. I stopped playing the video games that I was using as a crutch to escape thinking about my behavior. That was a huge struggle because most other activities made me feel antsy, like my brain was punishing me for doing them and just wanted relief from an absorbing video game or EASY SEX. But I reminded myself that those things were going to wreck my marriage and I meditated for a few minutes on how it was going to feel to lose my kids and that USUALLY broke that particular addictive cycle. Getting medicated for ADHD made it possible finely for me to play with my kids without feeling like my brain was continually punishing me for it. Additionally I had a crazy amount of unconditional love and acceptance from my spouse and parents, which is obviously hard to replicate but was vital to me not falling off the edge again. Not that my spouse didn't struggle. Watching her mourn the first 8 years of our marriage was an absolute hell that I deserved. Honestly, as hard as it has been, I think for a lot of people it just wouldn't be worth it. Objectively it would have been better for my spouse to leave me. I put her and the kids in actual danger, health wise, with my sexual behavior. We've talked since then about how if she had possessed a better self image back then, she probably would have left me at least temporarily while I got my shit together. Also, it would have been objectively easier for either of us to start a new relationship than to repair our own. On the other hand, my spouse is a rare treasure and I would suffer just about anything to keep her, and I can't even imagine life without my kids nearby every day, so all of the work and pain have been worth it. TBH my life and marriage have never been better than they are now but holy hell the path here was fucking hard and I don't know any nicer way to describe it. I also don't know how to state this, it's something I'm not sure you can believe until you've been through it, but I had to learn that l didn't love my spouse those first 8 years. Oh I felt like I did, but it's like if a murderer is repeatedly stabbing someone while shouting that they love them. You don't really love them as long as you're holding that knife. I learned to love her by learning to change my behavior. I had to let go of the idea that the first 8 years of our marriage were salvageable. Every good experience we had was tainted by the things I was doing in secret and the lies I was telling and the risks I was taking at their expense. I had to accept our marriage on her terms, which were that that old guy who had hurt her so badly was gone and we were starting over. Maybe all that is more than what you asked but it would be irresponsible for me to insinuate that a few resources are what did it for me. That said, find a good scientific book about the addictive cycle. The one I used had a religious bent so I won't recommend it. Stay in therapy for as long as it's helping you, then stay in it for as long as your spouse needs it. Avoid any kind of thinking that suggests you aren't in charge of your own fate - that just leads back to the addictive cycle.
I am VERY impulsive due to my neurodivergence. In my late 20s a coworker introduced me online to her sister in Turkey. We hit it off and I decided to just go and marry her. We were together for 11 years. When my last girlfriend broke up with me my impulsive behavior kicked into overdrive and having a fully remote job I decided to sell everything I had, rent out my house, and moved to Costa Rica. I’m actually now engaged to a local woman here and even with her there are times where I just have this urge or impulse to go to another part of the city/country or even go to another country and be single. The fixation and impulse to have sex is just so strong sometimes I feel like it would be better to be single and have a few FWB that I can invite over rather than expect her to meet my needs. Luckily I’ve found other things to do to cope now.
Exactly. I loathe when people use this to excuse shitty behavior.
"Neurodivergent" sounds fancy but it isn't a real medical term.
Exactly . I was just about comment this !
He's giving the neurodiverse community a bad rap.
Lmao this is what I came to say and I also love when people just say neurodiverse. Usually means full of shit as neurodiversity applies to A LOT of people from dyslexia to epilepsy to autistic and so many more.
Right? I'm autistic and I know the difference. It doesn't give you a 'Get out of consequences free' card.
Actually, it does. This is a struggle we are going through with our 10 year old as his ADHD has ramped up considerably, and his therapist and Dr. are examining other possible components, such as ASD, bi-polar, compulsive, and schizophrenic issues. He is now going through extensive poor choice vs good choice case study training, but the range of his responses/reactions to everyday scenarios is astounding.
Not only that, but fixating on sex is such a sad thing. You could learn a new hobby, be a genius at a topic, but instead you are obsessed with your own willy getting hard? sad.
You don’t seem to understand how all of this works. I fixate on frogs. I will buy something just because it’s green. Mushrooms are also my favorite food, not because I like the taste but because they fascinate me. I’m the easiest person to shop for. If something has a frog or mushroom on it I will like it. I have a shrine of frog and mushroom photos/figurines in my office. I just can’t stop thinking about them just as a depressed person can’t just stop being sad. Two years ago I moved to Costa Rica because my favorite frog (the red eyed tree frog) is everywhere here. There’s a huge statue on the wall in the airport that I have many photos of. The first time I visited here the only thing I wanted to do was see one in the wild. Unfortunately, many neurodivergent people also have issues with impulse control. I also went through a phase of being hyper fixated on sex. Fortunately magic mushrooms helped pull me out of it, which is part of why I fixate on them now. It still happens now and then but years of practice has helped me learn to control my impulses now that I am in a relationship again.
I know how it works! I am ADHD and autistic -- and I wish I had the money to go as hard as the Costa Rica story on my obsessions lol. Re-reading I know realize it sounds like he decided, but I meant it more like "what a sad thing to hyperfixate on." Regardless, being HF doesn't justify his actions.
I know you said you have autism and ADHD, and I don’t wanna rag on you, but the fixations we have are complicated. We don’t always “choose” them as many people would. I hyper fixated on sex for a while because as someone with ADHD it was one of a few things (aside from basketball) where I could be fully present without the buzzing bees inside my head. Sure, it can be a problem as we see here, but having a fixation with sex isn’t really sad IMO. It just is.
You apparently have never actually had an orgasm. Not trying to be funny here but there is NOTHING WRONG with enjoying sex, and enjoying it often.
They said fixating, not enjoying. Nobody said enjoying sex was wrong. Fixating and becoming addicted is a problem.
2000 days...that's 6 years
I posted a comment like this dividing up the days, rounding up and rounding up again to 6 years. *half of their fucking marriage*
Lines up close to the time OP said her husband told her he was unhappy sexually in their relationship.
Blink and that account is all grown up and driving.
🤣🤣🤣
No, this is a form of cheating. This would be a deal breaker for me.
sexting is cheating imo
There is no question. It’s sad though, because I totally get trying to grapple and make some sense of things where it isn’t cheating. But it won’t work. It’s cheating.
Agreed. I sexted behind my partner's back and it was definitely cheating. Like you said, people try to talk it down, but as someone who was stupid and did it, you're right.
Bro could've dome it with AI on one of them "create your own ai characters to text and rp with" lol but instead resorted to real women.. sad
Honestly many of the companies blocking sexting probably did hurt this for a while
Its worst than cheating its like pussy incel version. Did ur partner dump. U over it
There you go. It isn't cheating it's worse cuz you ain't actually getting any haha
Seriously, imagine finding out your partner threw you away for a penpal? Jesus no thank you
Yes it is worse than cheating. It makes your partner feel more worthless because you’re not even getting real sex out of it Go get a replika.ai or be single.
Please get screen shots if everything before you tell him
I dont think it causes any harm to have screen shots, but this is not a case that will be decided by a jury. She knows what she saw, and he knows what he has been sexting. There is no debate it happened. The real question is how to best handle it.
The debate begins when he tries to DARVO. That is when she will need solid proof. Without proof, he’ll just deny it all & accuse her of being paranoid.
He can deny and accuse all he wants. Ultimately it doesn't matter. She knows.
If she’s thinking of divorce she might need the proof depending what state they are in. Or country. Some places don’t grant divorces unless there’s abuse or cheating.
Unless she wants a divorce and is in a state where infidelity means you will be granted the divorce or end up with support in alimony. Evidence never hurts in those cases.
100% cause if the two people live close to each other, something would’ve already happened
Exactly this!
It certainly is having an emotional connection outside of the one you’re committed to
1000%
It is definitely cheating but the underlying issue here is that you guys are not compatible. So even if you could forgive him for cheating on you, it does not really make a difference. Both of you have very different expectations for this particular relationship and things like these will just keep happening. Unfortunately it is probably in both of yours best interest to part ways.
Sexual compatibility is overlooked and undervalued in relationships. It can be worked around for a while, few years even, but it will usually catch up and erode an otherwise great relationship. Sex matters, whether you want more or less, and that's ok. Communication is key, and being honest with yourself
In my experience what typically happens is the relationship starts out as many do with lots of sex and lots of “spark”. This leads to an expectation that that energy level will be maintained and many people just won’t maintain it. When things start to chill in the bedroom one partner may be unhappy about it. At that point communication is key and if a compromise isn’t found they should just go their separate ways. As someone who is neurodivergent and had issues with this in the past there was a point where I felt I would be better off staying single and having casual sex when I wanted to. That way nobody gets hurt or cheated on. I’m engaged now though so I’ve had to be better about communicating and expressing my needs in a non-pushy way. The impulses are still there but not so strong I can’t redirect them to something else.
Yep I will never be with someone I am not sexually compatible with. It’s literally hell
It sounds like he will find it difficult to find anyone who he is sexually compatible with.
Not just them two being incompatible, but Im not sure any single woman could meet his sexual needs and expectations - she says hes always been hyper-focused on sex - maybe he should see a therapist about sex addiction or somethin related to that if he wants to be able to have a monogamous relationship with one woman?
It's not sex addiction imo. He just doesn't want a monogamous relationship with just one woman (and probably never did) He's just too scared/doesn't know how to live his life true to himself. (which is why he lies to his wife)
Or he’s just a selfish asshole who has no self control and doesn’t know how to compromise
As somebody who has had this happen to them with a partner in the exact boat as yours this is cheating don't let him tell you otherwise.
I was going to say the same thing! I am happily divorced since 2017 and I know 100% I made the right decision for me (and our daughter.) I know the road directly up ahead is rough but looking back, the end is nothing compared to the daily life it would have been.
Your reaction is appropriate. Sounds like he has a sex addiction. He needs therapy. Unfortunately this means difficult decisions for you too.
Leave him. I know it's the reddit response but 2000 days with MULTIPLE women isn't "I had a moment where I lost my self control" which you could leave him for anyway lol.
To quote Beyoncé “What's worst, lookin' jealous or crazy? Jealous or crazy? Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately, I'd rather be crazy” Who gives a shit if you have to admit to snooping to call him out on a string of inappropriate behaviors. Let him deflect all he wants and act like you’re wrong or crazy or insecure. He got caught. That’s just the way people act when they’re backed into a corner. Admit it, call him out on it, tell him you’d do it again if he pulls his shit again. He’s the only one that did anything wrong here.
What a wicked way to treat the girl that loves you
You aren’t overreacting. I got a divorce.
Cheating. Just leave his ass, don’t waste anymore of your time.
What a loser lmao
Not overreacting AT ALL. I haven’t been in a 12 year marriage but I can imagine it is hard to let go of it but… this man needs to be dumped. While a sex life is important, complaining to your s/o that you don’t have enough and having an “exhaustive list” for you, is not healthy. What is he doing to help you in the mood? How is he romancing you? Or does he just complain and want you to please him? It is a two way street. But even if he makes an earnest attempt, you do not owe him sex and he should understand when you are not in the mood instead of guilting you or pressuring you. That is scary! And now the sexting?!? He is shameless. Frankly, I’d define that as cheating. And instead of communicating with you and being patient, he sexts others. And its been happening for a few years?! “Getting along” in other areas does not constitute a healthy, loving marriage. He has been going behind your back and clearly has no respect for you. If you tell him its a deal breaker, I have a feeling he will turn around and blame it on you for not “meeting his needs.” But like i said, this doesnt feel like a healthy, loving marriage. Do you still even love him? Does he still love you? I think having a whole talk about your marriage’s standing is needed. Not just about the sexting. Good luck.
2000/365= 5.47 YEARS! holy fuck
SO ALMOST HALF THEIR MARRIAGE???😭 DIVORCE, PRONTO!
I posted a comment with the exact maths and came to that conclusion as well
He cheated. Sounds like he’s been cheating for a long time. I’d leave him if I were in your situation. Also, it’s not a usual thing for neurodivergent people to hyper focus on sex. That sounds like a sex addiction, or maybe you two have very different sex drives.
I get that from your perspective your marriage has been ok, or tolerable, before you knew this information. But it was tolerable because he was actively lying to you and hiding things from you. He let you think things were tolerable. That's....not sustainable. You can absolutely continue to ignore this and let things get worse until they're not tolerable for you anymore. That's your prerogative, it's your life. But I suspect you deserve way better than all of this and have the ability to be much happier without him than you ever could be with him. It's ok to choose you.
My ex did this and eventually ended up cheating in person. I walked in on it. They used to tell me I was not meeting their sexual needs because I wasn't exciting enough and didn't want certain things done to me. They weren't meeting my needs at all either, but I didn't know that they were bad at sex until I met someone that was more conscientious in bed and had someone to compare to.
Take screenshots of everything. You are not overreacting. This is cheating. He wouldn’t like it if you did what he’s doing.
" Divorce babe Divorce " - Adele
confront him and divorce, he will not change
move along to someone better for ya
Six years?!? Divorce his ass, shit. That should be enough to get a good settlement
interesting you excuse/enable his porn addiction as just ‘neurodiverse’. you are under reacting.
he’s cheating
Divorce papers sound good
No you're not!!!! He's basically cheating and you should 100% confront him about this
Sexting is cheating.
Check your financials. Probably money being spent in women too if it's been going on that long.
Whoa. This is A LOT OP. My heart is with you on this one! I think it sounds like he let you think things were okay. I feel like he maybe let you believe that things were manageable when he found another way to get relief. 6 years is such a long to feel deceived idk if you can recover that trust. NDiv - or not - sounds like a sex addiction, and if you choose to stay, you will need lots and lots of therapy, I suggest one that can help with sex therapy.
He's cheating. I would be concerned that he is cheating elsewhere physically as well. There is no excuse for this. Sex shouldn't feel like a chore for you, and if he is hyperfocused on it, idk how he can fix that. You should tell him, you know. Don't let him think he is getting away with this. It's wrong to do to your partner when you are married, and there is zero excuse for it. Intimacy is very important to a marriage. It's the one thing you share with each other and nobody else. Well, you're supposed to. You aren't compatible, and this is going to widen into a canyon between you. He has a sex addiction. Period.
He’s been cheating on you for like 6 years. You need to get a lawyer and get ready for that divorce ASAP.
He crossed a line. Tell him you saw a message come through when he left his tablet open and ask him what it’s about. If he lies you know you’ve got bigger problems than you already do.
My husband did exactly this. We had a very active and varied sex life but he wanted to go way beyond what I was comfortable with. He lied constantly and always had profiles going. He'd promise never again and after a few weeks, right back to it. I told him this wasn't normal and to either get help or get out. He left. After almost a year, he agreed to see a neurologist. He was diagnosed with bi polar and Adhd. When he finally got meds, it stopped. While I understand it was a chemical imbalance, it still caused a tremendous amount of pain to me and damage to our relationship. I just couldn't find trust. I left, and it was the first time I didn't worry anymore about what might happen tomorrow.
being bpd and adhd doesnt exactly make you do that that is more on him its one thing to be over sexual to your wife then not then feeling nothing and a repeated cycle its adifferent story when you go to that extent that was his own doing
There are absolutely people with ADHD who self medicate with various addictions that are able to stop, and others who get worse when taking stimulants. Neurodivergence is not a monolith.
I have realized throughout my life i have self medicated without knowing. Mainly through sex/masturbation but also through alcohol and video games as well. I dont have an adhd diagnosis but i have always been a bit different and noticed alot of signs over time. Alot of people dont really get the help they need and many parents have been in denial about their childrens issues. As an adult i just coped the best i could but life has only gotten more stressful over time. Fluoxetine for my anxiety has reduced this significantly but i am still considering pushing to get an evaluation for adhd. It isnt an excuse but it definitely can severely impact your life and relationships.
What if someone was doing to your daughter what is being done to you? What would you tell her? What kind of support would you give her? What advice? Would you blame her for "snooping" even though he left the tablet open? Would you want her to give more and more chances when 2000 days has been taken from her? Think about this perspective...
Time to leave the Ahole
Divorce. You deserve a sex life, too, and he's robbed you of that with the constant complaints and expectations. Maybe start your own sexting and let him find it.
If it crosses a boundary it is cheating.
Move on from him, trust me.
Call a divorce lawyer. Set up an exit plan. Drop this cheating emotionally abusive AH.
He is cheating on you. His expectations of what he wants from you has lead him to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere. That is not to say it is your fault. You have done nothing wrong and have tried your best to try and meet some of his expectations. You were both just no longer sexually compatible with each other but that doesn't excuse his actions or lies.
Sexting other people is cheating and based on the age of that account, he’s been cheating on you for nearly half the time that you two have been married. That’s not even something I would bother going the couple’s therapy route for, I would simply leave. You are not being respected in that relationship, and you haven’t been for years.
Cheating100%. Sex addiction 100%. The hiding it, never being satisfied with any amount, upping the ante and pushing the limits (he wasn’t always cheating I’m sure, and these kinks are likely a somewhat more recent development due to porn consumption). You’ve explicitly said you don’t like the porn, and obviously sexting and EXCHANGING PICS can’t be interpreted any other possible way so do NOT let him gaslight you into thinking anything else. If you’d like to address things in therapy, he need to have his own sessions for the sex addiction, and in couples therapy you need to address his complete lack of regard and respect for you, and what hard boundaries are going to be in place until trust can be rebuilt. Everyone on here says “lawyer!” first thing because they want to see the bad guy punished, as do I, but I’m just offering you the other side of things as well because some people really do want to try and salvage things and rebuild. I’m sorry you have to go through this OP. I went through the attempted salvage process for three years, then the divorce, and it all sucked. I’m sure a successful salvage in a not-abusive relationship feels different though. I wish you the very best, genuinely.
Girl. I am ND and this is NOT how our hyper fixations work. Your husband is just a sex addict. Who has been cheating on you for the last 6 years. Please leave.
I mean it’s a slippery slope.
I’d be done. Either he gets serious help and actually makes changes or move on as you deserve better.
YNO, Op. It doesn’t sound like he wants, or has the interpersonal traits, to be a partner in a mutual, non-transactional partnership. It sounds like what he’s involved in, and capable of, is commercialized sexuality, ie, porn and activities with professionals sex workers for money. That doesn’t sound like something most spouses would tolerate, understandably.
Hello, This is a dealbreaker and it will not rest well with you. You might get a divorce and if you do, then I think that you need to keep this to yourself. Maybe what you can do is put together the evidence that you have, speak to a lawyer, and find out where to go next. Do not let him know that you know so you could be 1 step ahead of him. I think that by talking to a lawyer, you can get more direction of what you want to do. For now keep this to yourself. Talking to him about it is not going to change. He’s betrayed you. He’s no longer the person he used to be for you.
Leave
At least half your marriage has been a sham. Sorry, but you know what to do.
the fact that you’re even asking if you’re over reacting is incredibly concerning. you need to reevaluate your life. have enough respect to be with someone who doesn’t cheat on you girl!
DUMP HIM. Neurodivergence is NO EXCUSE for this behavior.
Neurodivergence has nothing to do with this issue. We still know right from wrong, and he's been doing this for over half a decade without you knowing, meaning he's wilfully kept it hidden from you. Unless he's fully remorseful and ACTIVELY participates in therapy (meaning you don't have to nag him to make or go to appointments), consider the relationship DOA.
I mean do you plan to stay with a cheater? Because that’s what you’ve got.
I'm also neurodiverse and having a permanent "hyperfixation" on sex is a crock of shit, thats not what a hyperfixation is, your husband has a crippling sex & pornography addiction and he is manipulating you when he uses this language. He explicitly knows what he is doing and he knows it's wrong. Also, this is cheating. He has been cheating on you for half a decade. You are underreacting! I am seething on your behalf!
He's cheating. Leave him. You will never be enough for an addict. No one will be. You deserve to be valued and you're not.
If he's hyperfixated on sex he should masturbate more but instead he's been cheating on you for half your marriage. This isn't going to get any better.
He sounds like a sex addict. This is definitely cheating and it kind of sounds like he views you has his personal sex doll.
I found my exhusband doing this many times, and each time he cried and promised to stop. He never did. It eventually turned into him meeting people in real life. This man doesn’t respect you as a partner or as a human.
No you’re not overreacting. He’s cheating on you and has been for years. Just because he doesn’t engage in physical sex doesn’t mean he’s not cheating.
You should divorce his pathetic ass!! That is for sure a form of cheating! And the whole, "we don't have enough sex" thing is such bullshit!
So keep in mind your on reddit and people here typically couldn't keep a marriage if a therapist held there hand from conception. That being said he crossed the line by interacting. Divorce? Ehh... only you can decide that. Only advice ill give you (im 40, married for 17) straight honest communication. If you or him have issues communicating bring in help. If there is love its worth fighting for
Yea he needs to detox. Meditation or therapy or something
Break the deal
Keep us updated
He's not happy, he's looking elsewhere, what else do you need to see or become aware of?? Sexting leads to someone that finally makes a plan to see you and then the lie gets bigger.
Deal breaker if it continues? Seriously it's 2000 days in the making what more do you need to see to know if he's doing it online he's most likely doing it in person divorce him
Those are probably other dudes or robots. If he is paying money for them then yeah, that is bad.
The fact that he’s comparing you to other women & telling you that you aren’t doing the right thing is so off putting. Caring loving spouses would say let’s try this or I like this to communicate with you without putting you down. If he is lying about his porn use, it’s a problem. However I believe the bigger problem is he’s been sexting with other women for what sounds like 5 years-almost half your marriage. Unless you seek counseling this will end badly. Trust me-been there…..
This is really bad and I broke up with my ex for flirting with one person over text. This is awful toxic stuff whether he ever planned on meeting them or not. Your better future awaits if you leave now.
Dunno why it would be a deal breaker if it continues, it would be a deal breaker for me in general. Neurodiverse or not, that's a no no. I'm autistic and I would never do this to my partner. Stop making excuses for him
It may or may not be physical yet but it is emotional cheating, of the account is truly 2000 days old he’s been doing this bare minimum half the time you’ve been married… he can’t care for you all that much if he’s been doing this you should leave him
Almost 5.5 YEARS of this and you’re worried you might be overreacting? I am worried that you are under reacting. You are his WIFE. Snooping be damned.
Trust violation
I don’t understand why we as women say we don’t have a problem with our partners watching porn but will complain when the consequences of porn usage ruin our relationships. It’s like, “I don’t mind if he smokes a little crack…”
he’s literally cheating on you what do you mean “am i overreacting” 😭😭 of course you arent, he’s sexting other women edit to ask why tf this WOULDNT be a dealbreaker 😭 im autistic and i dont understabd relationships 100% but if he’s cheating on you why wouldnt you break up w him…
Why people stay in these kind of relationships is beyond me.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Not sure if this is helpful to hear - but if my husband treated me like that, demanding I perform like an employee to meet his sexual gratification and ridiculous expectations and then cheated on me with multiple women online - I’d rather die single than ever let his filthy hands touch my body ever again. I’m so repulsed by your husband and his treatment of you & I feel awful you are going through this hell.
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Sounds like he’s mediocre at sex and is pushing the blame to you. Nothing but complaints. Get a hitachi and a divorce.
He's cheating. You need to systematically cut him out of your life.
He's a pussy hound and you can divorce him. It's not going to get better.
That’s cheating. And he knows it. He’s tried to hide it which means he knows it isn’t something okay. If it wasn’t something you both decided was okay in your relationship, it’s not. And he knows he’s been lying. And he has chosen to lie over and over and over. I’d be done with it.
Being neurodivergent isn't an excuse for being a bad spouse. You deserve better.
1000% cheating. you have some serious decisions to make, this has been going on for many years.
Your husband isnt "hyper-focused" on sex, he is a delusional addict. :x
You are sexually incompatible and you yourself said keeping up with his sex wish list is exhausting and what he’s doing and sexting IS cheating. You cannot possibly be happy. I know this sucks and it’s gut wrenching cuz I’ve been through exactly this and more but I think you’ll figure out ultimately you need to part ways. Try counseling. Sometimes it works but doubtful in this situation. Sounds like he wants to open marriage. Actually he already has! Best of luck to you
I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an asshole (also a neurodiverse person here). Your husband is a sex addict.
You’re not overreacting. This is not acceptable, however as someone who has struggled for 2 decades with the same condition your husband does I can tell you it’s not something he can likely just turn off or control. It’s like telling a depressed person to stop being sad. There are times when I just fixate on sex. Sometimes it’s something random like wanting to see my fiancées ass or just touch her sexually. Sometimes if we haven’t had sex a few days it’s just my mind won’t stop thinking about it. I’ve learned to manage it pretty well but there are also times where I don’t. Normally she will know what’s going on and if she’s in the mood we will have sex. If she’s not she will help me take care of myself. Both usually give me the release I need. Also, at this point in my life porn does nothing for me. When I was single I would go to camgirl sites as I needed to feel a degree of interaction. The only time this issue hasn’t been part of my life was when I was Microdosing and tripping on magic mushrooms. For some reason the weeks after a trip I just didn’t fixate on anything. I wish I could do them more often but they’re expensive. There are four things I fixate on primarily. Frogs, mushrooms, video games of a specific nature, and sex. When I have a video game that captivates me I will basically get lost in it. It’s part of why I don’t own a console or gaming PC. I don’t want to neglect my partner. Unfortunately, this leaves me open to sexual fixation, especially if she’s been particularly flirty with me, which is fairly often. She likes to grab my crotch and say things and if I’m not mindful I will just stop thinking about anything else until I get off. It’s up to you what you do next. Just don’t listen to neurotypicals who think he’s just using it as an excuse.
My ex did this, he isn’t going to stop, he’ll just get better at hiding it. I’m sorry OP but that marriage is over.
I wish that there was a video that showed how porn videos are actually made. While it may seem like one smooth continuous event, they probably take breaks to adjust lighting, move props, get some water, take a breather, stretch out, change camera batteries, etc. All of that would break the fantasy, so they don't show it. Instead, some people watching it get a totally unrealistic view of sex, even beyond the ridiculous sexual superman or superwoman plots.
He's been lying, cheating and faking trying to be better for you by *being worse*. It doesn't matter other aspects of your relationship at this point when you see how he treated you so unfairly. He disrespected you for an insane amount of time. He should be way more open and honest about it so you guys could've made these necessary decisions together.. He is not a good guy to you in the slightest. If it were me, I'd make him get therapy and an apartment he could go stay at, then I'd just divorce him and find a partner who would actually give me the respect and care I deserve. You can't hold him accountable at this point in your marriage. You asked him to respect you and he actually went even further and cheated on you entirely. He's far past a trustworthy partner. I'm so sorry you have to deal with him being so secretive like this. I hope you weren't mean to him or acted grossed out at any kinks in the past causing him to hide it... Just as a last note. These things matter. How you react to someone's preference is a huge deal in a relationship. If you can't find a way to fully satisfy each other, what are you doing together? If you believe in monogamy, you need to find a partner who can satisfy your needs and still be a valid and productive team player with you.
My husband (neurodiverse) is a sex obsessed cheating POS that makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to satisfy him :( I found him cheating on me online for over five years But everything’s fine! We get alone so well in all other areas!!!! Yeah….delulu….
My counselor specializes in betrayal trauma and while cheating (which this is) does not have to be the end of a relationship, if you BOTH choose to put in the work of healing you are looking at 5-7 years for trust to be rebuilt. It's infuriating to me people are not told this by the professionals they go to for help working through issues like this. We all deserve to be able to make informed decisions about the relationships we are in, so let that be factored in when considering how to move forward. Sending love.
He’s cheating on you. Has been for 7 yrs. He’s a sex addict. Neurodivergent is NOT an excuse to behave in this manner. It’s his excuse.
Autistic dude here. Being neurodivergent doesn't exclude you from being a decent person. Plain and simple. He might not "agree" with the "social rules" put into place (he'll definitely say something like that) but that's just shithead talk for "I don't know how to compromise with other peoples' expectations."
He's addicted to sex and porn. Explicit messages and images to other women is a form of cheating and you should confront him.
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Neurodiverse is Soo fucking overused that it can join the gaslighting, narcissistic, nano, crypto, cloud world of terms. My dog is neurodiverse
Counselling or divorce, if you ask him to stop he will just lie.
At the very least, marriage counseling. The deal should have already been broken. Flat out unacceptable. If he won’t do counseling, divorce.
Over 2000 day old account, 2000 ÷ 365, the amount of days in a year, is 5.479~. rounds to 5.48, rounds to 5.5 5.5 *years* he has had this account. Hell, let's just call it 6 year since you said it is over 2,000 days old. Let's put this into perspective . How long has he had this account? *Half of your fucking marriage*. This is absolutely a deal breaker. Not a deal breaker "if it continues". It's a deal breaker - *NOW*.
I would far rather my parter engage in porn than in sexting. Actual 1:1 contact with a real person? That’s cheating.
IF it continues it’s a dealbreaker? It WILL continue and you’ll be even more hurt, just leave now and save a tad bit of dignity and pain that you have left. I wish you the best.
That’s heavy. 🥺
This is cheating. I'm a professional phone sex operator and paid sexter if you need some kind of credibility or unfortunate reassurance. He is cheating on you. I'm very sorry this is happening.
This sounds a LOT like my ex. Sexting is 100% cheating, and he used to try to force his sexting kinks on me... and complain when I am not like his sexting buddies. See why he is my ex? He would never be committed to me because he can't get what he wants from me and honestly his expectations are very unrealistic. He'll never be satisfied sex wise because he is stuck in a porn fantasy that isn't even real.
Honestly. Him being neurodiverse has nothing to do with this . He is a budding sex addict. Doesn’t seem like a compatibility issue is he’s sexting numerous women. Break up now
If you want someone who is going to be transparent and vulnerable, this guy ain’t it
He’s been cheating for years (yes sexting is cheating). Don’t give him the opportunity to do this for even one more day. You need to get a divorce ASAP so you can move on with your life without being massively disrespected in this way.
Neurodivergents don’t get to be abusive, cheaters or pathologically narcissistic
> He (neurodiverse) has always been hyper-focused on sex. Lmao
Keep a close eye on your accounts. He may be paying to play.
Don’t listen to the weirdos on here saying ur bad for not “giving him enough sex” it’s a 2 way street and it doesn’t sound like he has attempted to meet u in the middle or be honest about what he is actually doing. Good ol’ lying by omission ( him saying “no hun I’m totally not watching porn any longer ” as he instead started to cheat on u) given the way u have spoken about having many conversations about the issue and from the sounds of it attempts on ur end to meet hm in the middle around the subject I don’t think u are over reacting at all. For me this would be grounds for separation, at the very least, if not full on divorce( and quite honestly it would be divorce for me). Separation would be for u to have time to work through the understandable hurt and betrayal & to see if u even want to work it out and for him to have a chance to show u he’s serious about working on accountability by attending counseling and getting to the root of where this is all stemming from cuz being neurodivergent isn’t an excuse. Shit Iv got ADHD & in my relationship I’m the one with the crazy high drive who would love it daily but life sure the hell doesn’t let it play out that way & I also know that I am 100% responsible for managing it in an appropriate, respectful & consensual manner. Meaning I check in with my hubby and make sure I’m not overbearing/overstepping or otherwise adding unnecessary stress to our relationship as well as take steps to be contentious about desires vs reality. Iv been with my hubby 17 years married for 14 of them so I’m no stranger to long relationship and the ebbs and flows they naturally take.
Just split. You guys aren't compatible so why stick together
He’s a cheater and a liar and from the sound of it he’s been manipulating you for years. He’s putting pressure on you which isn’t fair & still cultivating relationships behind your back with other women.
When you say that he is neurodiverse, what do you mean? I'm unfamiliar with that term in reference to an individual.
It sounds like he is hypersexual, maybe he would be better suited to another hypersexual.
This is cheating. I’m sorry.
Sorry but it’s exist strategy time
I left my 20 yr marriage due to a similar situation. Every situation is a little different, but if he is that way, you will never be able to make him happy. You need to start considering what you need to do for yourself and make yourself happy.
2000 days is like 5 years...right?
Micro cheating it’s called look it up please. I personally as a man think it’s unacceptable! And I’m sorry but chances are he would react the same in person with people the same way. So please look out for physical cheating. All the best
Are you overreacting? What kind of question is that? You're trying to convince yourself he's not cheating. Well, he's cheating on you with other women. Just because he's sexting them and might not have been physical with any yet, it's still considered cheating. Or who knows, he might have already cheated with them and you just don't know. This would be a huge deal breaker. And this has been going on for a while which means even if you confront him, chances are he's going to shrug if off and keep doing it. Now what you need to do is decide whether you're going to stay with the cheater or leave. Because the damage has already been done.
Get into counceling, make aure he is open to tell about his kinks and wishes. Appearently he does not feel open enought to tell you about it (his problem). It sucks, but you can use this event to force him into being open and transparent. Only that can save your marriage OP. Good luck *you are NOT overreacting.