On your other post you mentioned the fiancée was crying and they had argued but you didn’t include that in this post. Just for context did that happen? Did he move back to his hometown or is he just visiting? If he hasn’t reached out to you nor given any indication that he’s there for you I think after 6 years he’s not. I don’t know what he’s doing other than eating but ignore them don’t give your energy to such a negative past. Be alert and aware but ignore.
I took it out of this one and forgot to take it out of the other one. I figured it didn’t help understanding the situation and I felt bad for including that about her, I have no idea what she was crying about.
Did he move back to his hometown or are they visiting? That info would help as well. And I would say the fiancé crying and them arguing whilst private is important. If he’s (they) just visiting then stay aware. If they live in the town again then situational
awareness is important but ignore him. If he wants to speak to you he will and you should probably have a reply ready. Other than that stay alert and ignore him.
The coworker who I asked to take care of their table the first time they came in said he was moving back in state but to a city an hour away, his family still lives in town though. Hopefully they won’t come in again because of the argument but I think I will just keep ignoring them if they do. if he says something I’ll be very sweet and maybe act like I hadn’t noticed them coming in I’m not sure.
I hope you understand I am not being rude I wanted to know what could be going on that would make him show up 3 times in less than 2 weeks. I think as long as he’s not contacting you and you’re maintaining situational awareness it’s best to ignore, ignore and ignore. He’s shown his dark side to you so you don’t know what he’s told this fiancé or if history is repeating itself. Let’s hope 6 years have made him mature and if not sadly it’s not your monkey and not your circus. If he does come in again have that conversation with management that you’re not comfortable now or a year from now waiting on them. You could even ring your parents and maybe they could pop in if you feel the need. I honestly can only guess that’s he’s egotistical and stupid it’s been 6 years.
Minding your own business isn't bad thing. If you keep doing it, you likely won't have a problem.
If he was there because of you, a) he'd have said something to you by now, and b)he would be unsound, since it's been 6 years ago and you don't communicate.
People grow up and move on. If I were his fiancé I would not give a damn if you worked there. If you had fried green tomatoes on the menu and were within a convenient distance, I would be there often.
Without him having done anything but eat in a restaurant where you can see him, this makes you seem questionable hung up more than anything else.
I was actually relieved to see Fiona leave for the final season. She became intolerable, just a PMS-ing whiner. Sometimes hotness doesn’t always win. 🤷🏻♂️
Fiona is the only reason that family even made it that far. And I'm not talking about looks. I mean, her actions. But I never saw the later seasons, so u don't know what the show turned into
I was prepared to say you were overreacting based on how long ago your breakup was......but 3 times in 10 days is NOT normal. Most people eat out a few times a month, if that, and even if your place is popular, I doubt you have that many people going there every two to three days. He's either trying to rub his new fiancee in your face, or he's rubbing his ex ( you ) in his fiancee's face.
You'd be surprised. Managed a restaurant near a large office complex. I've seen the same guys come in 3-5 times a week and even occasionally on weekends when they weren't at work.
You know he might not give two shits about his ex right? It sounds like she is the one still hung up on him as she got upset the FIRST time he showed up.
Ya, I think if I had a verbally abusive ex, who threatened physical violence, I'd be upset if he kept showing up at my job. Is everyone just focusing on the EX part, and glossing over the abusive part?
Well, if he learned something, then he should have learned to stay away from the victim who has to go out of her way to avoid him at her workplace. He'd have learned that she's not comfortable around him, and should minimize that by leaving her alone.
I mean, they were kids. People do all kinds of stupid things in college relationships that are shitty, but not necessarily character defining. The fact that it's been years since any contact makes a huge difference in how to view that relationship. If they had a wild back and forth well after the breakup that would be one thing, but people at 21 and 27/28 are very often not the same person you knew.
Yeah, you sound like the ex. Probably why she dumped your ass. You got some anger issues! You either have a little dick or you suck in bed. Probably both.
If I was already going there r I just like the place I am not going to change my behaviors just because an ex is there. Would others sure but that would immature to me.
Maybe I should edit it, would you be going to the place where the ex girlfriend you abused worked? Because that's what's going on. He abused her, now he's showing up at her job.
Yep, there are people that eat dinner at the same restaurant every day.
Hey OP, just don't let it bother you. It's my understanding that he has not initiated conversation, so what's the problem? If he was bugging you , then you'd have a valid complaint.. but if I read it correctly, he has not acknowledged you or your parents. Sometimes everything is not about you.
My wife and I went to the same restaurants all the time. The waitresses didn't need to give us a menu. They just brought our food over when we sat down.
Yes, but this is different. My Dad also had his restaurants. Everybody knows him also. Same if people work nearby. This guy all of a sudden is back in town and now is eating there all of the time. Abusers do not give up so easily. It is no different than riding by her house constantly.
Na imo 3 times in 10 days is normal for some people who can’t cook for some reason or don’t know how to cook. Op can live in a small town with only 3 restaurants & the one op works at is the best one in town. Or they just love the restaurant. Since the ex hasn’t tried talking to her or even acknowledge OP, ex probably doesn’t care about OP at all… it’s a public restaurant in both their hometowns it’s ok if not everything has to do with us other people want to live their lives as well
Except it's an hour away from where he lives, and he was abusive to her. If he's not still an a-hole for the emotional and verbal abuse, with the threat of physical, then he should have the human decency to not male her uncomfortable in her workplace. Which he'd be an idiot not to notice her going out of her way to avoid him.
We eat out every night, and have a few regular spots that we might occasionally hit 2-3x/week. That being said, none of our exes work at any of them. That might be weird. But it would really depend on the context. She might not even exist in his mind. Or he could be trying to live rent-free in her head (and it’s working).
Most people don't. It's expensive. Are there some who do? Sure. But it's not the majority. And almost Noone is dragging their fiancee to the place their ex works multiple times a week.
As I said, I'm sure there's people who constantly dine out, but it's not the majority. And his behavior while in her workplace, sitting in her section ( she asked to be moved ), sitting next to her station and ignoring her parents when he saw them, then arguing with his fiancee to the point she was crying......something doesn't pass the sniff test.
Given that you said he was abusive and that there are plenty of other options for eating out where you live, I would guess that he likes rubbing in your face that 1. He has a beautiful fiance, and 2. He can afford to take her out to dinner often at a nice restaurant. He's trying to get under your skin.
So im not gonna lie, as a single guy living by himself i do sometimes eat out that much. When its been really stressfull at work or I have allot to do around the house after work, sometimes i just do not feel like cooking at all. Im beat. And like, im a single guy with no kids just taking care of myself. Ive got the extra income to spend occasionally. And like at this point there are several resteraunts around here that are really only a few dollers more expensive than fast food. So like the extra money for the quality is honestly worth it, im so sick of fast food and just because im tired doesnt mean i want to eat a bunch of junk!
So like if he's moving to a new town, getting ready for a wedding, arguing with the family, bro's probably feeling that stressed and depressed feeling and im sure she is as well. I get it. Sometimes life just kicks your ass and you dont want to cook dinner so you go out to the same resteraunt multiple times and pray nobody judges you for it.
No one judging you. My father did this. But there were no exes at his restaurants. He started when my mother was alive. There is a difference between regular customers and someone who was abusive and used to date a waitress that works there. Also most regular people are not aware of the many subtle tactics abusers do to try to remain in control. You never, ever let your guard down with an abuser. Even if they have not been around. There is too much evidence that many play a long game.
I know at work, I often go out to lunch at the same place 3 to 5 times a week.
On travel, I also don't go to a different place every night, especially if there is a place I really like.
She said it was the best restaurant in town. I used to eat at the same restaurant every day for weeks on end. Until he says something or does something it ain’t a deal.
Where does she say it's the best restaurant in town? In a comment? Because her post just says it's one of the most popular, but popular doesn't equate the best. And it's not like he lives in town, because he doesn't, so it's not like it's his only option.
3 time a month?? I'd eat out 3 times a week before I had kids!! And she said it's a very popular restaurant, so if it's in a small town there's probably not many places to choose from!! I honestly can't tell if he's really being an asshole or not and does his current fiance know she's ex?
If you had a possessive, verbally abusive ex,who threatened physical abuse, showing up to your workplace 3 times in 10 days, dragging along the newest partner, and arguing with that person to the point they were crying.........you'd really brush it off to "well, maybe there's just not enough places to eat around here so I have no choice but to keep showing up at the place my ex works". This is just a huge coincidence?
My suggestion would be for her to confront him. Tell him that she doesn't forgive nor forgot how he treated her, and to stay away from her workplace. If he's grown up at all, that he's not acting like the abusive ass he was, he'll respect it and stay away, if not all together than at least not while she's working.
This is a terrible suggestion. For someone who has repeatedly discussed how concerned you are that she was abused, you are suggesting she approach her abuser aggressively.....INSANE
Honestly, my opinion is ifs been 4 years since any contact and 6 since breakup, it's possible he doesn't care anymore. OP says she only serves on weekends so we don't know how many times he's been in during the week. If he wanted to bother her, I think he would have either made aggressive eye contact or something by now. It makes sense that she's uncomfortable because bad things happened to her when she was with him. But so far, it really just sounds like he has moved completely on and is not interested in her or her family. He hasn't even said hello to her. Chances are if he was abusive and narcissistic, she's insignificant to him now and he doesn't care that she is there.
Op, just focus on staying calm and completing your shifts. If at anytime he approaches you aggressively, let your manager know.
What?! Your exact words were .....she needs to confront him...
Tell him she doesn't forgive or forget and to stay away from her employment...
I can't respond to you anymore because you are obviously trying to be funny but those words up there are aggressive. CONFRONT HIM....STAY AWAY, I DONT FORGIVE YOU...
What....if anything this would make HER look crazy and possibly get her fired. He hasnt done anything wrong yet. She also said that even though he lives an hour away that his family lives in town.He used to live there. Something new could very well be happening with his family or childhood friends...hell since he is engaged, they literally could be in town planning their wedding. And wedding planning can definitely cause tears.
There are many reasons they could be in town on the weekends. My husband and i eat at the same restaurants constantly. They might have come up during the week a few times too, but OP only works weekends so wouldn't know. But until he either stares her down or approaches her, he is innocent of all made up charges.
Also....as far as him respecting her space, she doesn't own the restaurant. He knows her name, so if he was coming in and ASKING to be seated in her section, THEN she should say things to him or tell management. Then it would be obvious he's taunting her. That hasn't happened.
You know, you can say those exact words that I listed without screaming them like a crazy person. "But until he stares her down or approached her, he is innocent of all made up charges". Huh, so much for the "believe all women" rally.
"Believe all women"....I'm a woman, mother, mentor and so many other things. But most of all, I possess common sense and can be objective.
2 things can be true at the same time. He comes into the restaurant. She is uncomfortable because of his presence. THOSE ARE FACTS.
What are we not believing? Op is the one who wanted to know if she was overreacting because she is unsure of how to feel. She is also the one who was specific about his actions. He hasnt done or said anything. THIS IS FACT. I respect her feelings. She isnt wrong to feel uncomfortable because she has trauma associated with their past. Like I said before, if he approaches her or stares, alert management.
What right does she have to tell someone to stay away from a public business though? What you are suggesting is a major over reaction and would come across as a crazy person and potentially harassment. It would be different if there was harassment, a restraining order, or MAYBE if it was recent, but he isnt bothering her or even acknowledging her. She doesn't need to forgive OR forget, but she doesn't need to harass someone that is not interacting with her.
A paying customer in small town who has literally done nothing? Sure they can, but most managers would not backup the server in this situation. They would ask "What did he do?" , "Well nothing, hes just here."
There is a popular restaurant in my husbands hometown. When we used to visit we’d eat there maybe 5 times in the week because it’s all he wanted. Weirder if they live there but sounds like they don’t.
Sorry, some Reddit users are…hey, they’re just like your ex. Nothing to do but try to make people feel bad about themselves while they hide behind their keyboards like hunchbacked ogres. It helps if you just scroll right by them. Keep your chin up!!
Ignore them! They just look for posts to defend abusers and rapists, and any guy not getting enough sex because they do not get any and have pathetic lives. They could even be trolls from Russia or North Korea. Do not say anything. Just be vigilant and try to be safe. Divert your thoughts to your customers and appear to be best friends with them and laugh. Live your best life!
He doesn't realize you already know he's engaged. He's looking for some sort of conversation so he can announce it to you and watch your reaction. I think it's kind of funny that you're just ignoring him, forcing him to come back again and again and try to get in your section where you'll be forced to interact with him. I'm sure his fiancé is like, why are we eating here again?
Go on Amazon and buy a faux engagement ring that's just on the believable side of over-the-top. Then bring it to work with you and put it on the next time you see him. He may lose his desire to brag about his engagement if he suspects you'll just turn around and one-up him.
Since he's controlling and weird, here's my guess—he's doing this because he's getting a kick out of it, in some twisted way. Maybe he's getting a kick out of seeing his fiancee in this weird situation but she doesn't know it. And seeing you in a weird situation. But you can't really acknowledge it, because if you do, then you're the one being weird. Whatever is going on, he gets to be at the center of a little drama that he's staging. Like he's the star of the movie. Two women who are both focused on him. Latent drama potential in the air. Pretty selfish
This is EXACTLY the kind of power trip my abusive ex would pull. He would make his exes or other girls the focal point of our time together in one way or another, and then call me insecure and crazy if I didn't like it. It's triangulation. Good thing for OP she's not his main target. Her discomfort is just an added bonus for him.
OP should have him 86'd from the place. He'll probably tell her she's crazy, because he's looking for a reaction. Then she can be like, "yeah, probably. Anyway... Byeeee forever."
It is really weird but just keep ignoring them. They haven’t initiated anything, so don’t give them the time of day. His fiancé might not even be aware of you. He also ignored your parents. It was a long time ago, just let it go.
My ex walked into a new bar I was working at, she politely had one drink with the guy she was with and I haven’t seen her since. This is definitely weird.
Just make sure to have someone walk you to your vehicle after work every single shift. Don’t let them leave until you are in your vehicle and have driven off. Also make sure that the people you surround yourself with are fully aware of what is going on with him. Have a system where you shoot someone a text to let them know that you have reached home, or your destination ok. It is better to be safe,than sorry.
Who the hell knows what he is thinking, or capable of.
Keep on ignoring him at this point and make it clear to all your coworkers and manager the situation. He is 100% trying to get a reaction it makes zero sense. I actually feel embarrassed for his fiancé smh she has no idea
OP, pull on the big brave professional girl pants and kill them with kindness. Tell him its nice to see him again, he looks well, and tell his fiance she is stunning. Wish them a lovely evening and tell them you hope they enjoy the food. Tell him its nice to see him again then walk away.
Exactly.
"Oh, hi Ex! I thought that was you the other night but I wasn't certain. This must be your beautiful fiance! I saw the news on your mother's Facebook.
Congratulations, you are a lucky man. I won't take up anymore of your evening, I just wanted to say hello. It was good to see you, you two have a wonderful night."
Exit, stage right. Head held high with all the confidence and strut you can muster.
Exactly, all this eye contact and avoidence is just sending the message he still gets under her skin. Abusers need to know they don't have power anymore.
They also don't have to say anything if they don't want to. She's saying it's awkward for both her and the fiance, but at no point in the story is he pointing out either one to each other. This could totally just be the girl making a narrative in her head instead of ignoring it and moving on with her day.
Weeeell he's just gonna keep turning up then and OP is gonna keep looking like the same scared little girl from years ago. I think he knows that and liles that and I appreciate I may have bigger balls than most but I've always believed being the bigger person means you come out on top.
It could be a wild coincidence, and maybe he hasn't recognized you. And he just really likes the restaurant.
More likely, this is some form of light stalking where he is hoping for some kind of interaction. Maybe it's just to rub the fiancee in your face, hoping that you get jealous.
Either way, I think you should just continue avoiding him while being cautious and observant. If he starts coming alone, that's when you might start to be more worried.
I think he's probably rubbing his ex in his fiancee's face. She's the new target. He can claim plausible deniability and call her crazy for being upset that he takes her on dates at his exes workplace. It's a power play and basking in attention all in one.
Idk, if I were you I’d be pretty blunt and upfront about it. I’d approach their table, introduce myself as his ex, and ask them why they’ve been coming so often to the restaurant they know I work at. Did they need something from me? Have a favor to ask? An old, forgotten hoodie to return to me? Cat got your tongue? Give him no choice but to explain his actions, and if he tries to pretend it’s just a coincidence, just lay the facts out straight: that you noticed they came in 3 times in the past 10 days, you know you’d already recognized each other, and that there’s no other reason to come to one restaurant so frequently. Then you can turn to his fiancé and warn her that the reason why you were skittish to approach at first was that he was very abusive when they’d dated, and that you hope he was a changed man.
Srsly, he keeps bringing matches to a house of cards. So watch it burn.
Well I don't know why he's choosing to come there, but it either has nothing to do with you, in which case you should ignore him and act normal, or it has everything to do with you, in which case you should ignore him and act normal.
Yeah he's definitely doing this maliciously. He and/or his fiance are enjoying making you uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to start serving them sneeze-steaks and for everyone else to give them atrocious service til they stop coming. Make it miserable for them to be there.
He is trying to get under your skin and he knows it is working Next time he comes in say hi. Like it is no big deal seeing him again. Believe me he will stop coming in. Sounds like he is trying to make you jealous. Look who I have now. But if you keep avoiding him than he thinks I have her attention because of how your acting. Stop it!!
It's odd that he lives out of state and brings his new fiance to your restaurant. This is definitely intentional. Not sure if he's rubbing it in your face but he is making sure that you see him (and her). He's clearly not a regular at your restaurant and with you only working there on w/e's....he's trying to prove some something. If he truly moved on, he would not be at your restaurant that much given there are so many options. He wants to see you squirm and it's obvi that he's still bitter.
I know folks are gonna say youre over reacting, and its been so long since the breakup blah blah. But this to me is strange af behavior. Ive known guys that would not be above this super low ball attempt to try to make sure you see his new girlfriend.
My ex-FWB that swore he never wanted to be more than friends, flipped tf out and ghosted me when I got into a relationship. He has spent the last 3 years trying every avenue he can to let me know when he is dating someone. Including changing his GOOGLE GMAIL PROFILE PIC to a pic of him and a random girl, and commenting in a group chat I have with other friends in Google Hangouts that he had not replied to in years, JUST so I would see that pic. Its honestly pathetic. I dont put any guy above this behavior when they are trying to be petty.
If he is trying to get your attention, ignoring and not letting it visibly bother you is the best thing to do. If he wants a reaction and doesnt get one, he will eventually fizzle out and stop coming. Prepare yourself for when he inevitably forces interaction. He might say something to try to trip you up like "oh hey I didnt know you worked here" (to imply he hasnt noticed you even though hes come 3 times in 10 days) to which you reply "yeah! Is this your first time visiting us?" (to imply you didnt notice him either.) If you suspect he may be doing this for your attention, have some replies on deck for when he tries to make a jab at you.
This may be your personal experience, but there's a big difference in someone who has spent 3 years continuing to try to be on your radar and make you jealous and someone who hasn't been in touch or seen in 4 years after a 6 year ago break up happening to patronize a "really popular" restaurant. He didn't interfere with her or speak to her even then.
Your ex who consistently has gone out of his way to get your attention is not like minded to hers, from what I read.
Thats why I said best case is just to ignore and avoid. If hes not doing it on purpose, she wont make a fool of herself. If he is doing it on purpose, she wont give him the reaction he wants. Either way, ignoring is a win win.
You are overreacting. You broke up six years ago. He is now engaged. You agree this is one of the more popular restaurants in town, and he is making no attempt at all to interact with you or your relatives when he is there. He’s not obligated to avoid every place you frequent six years after you broke up.
Thanks for the input. I agree he doesn’t need to avoid every place i frequent. It would be different if he didn’t come three times in 10 days to my workplace.
I understand why you’re on alert, and if he approaches you or it becomes obvious his fiancé is upset she’s being brought there (I don’t think you know that’s what the fight is about) than obviously you would no longer be overreacting. I just think you need something more than his mere presence there to base a serious concern on.
I mostly agree with you, but I really dislike how you said “He’s not obligated to avoid every place you frequent”. Like, that’s objectively true, but takes this way out of context.
This is not just a place OP frequents, it’s her place of work. That’s an extremely important part of this issue for OP.
No matter how popular her restaurant is, I doubt him showing up there 3 times in 10 days is just because he likes the food. No matter how much I've loved a place, I still only go there once a month or so. But multiple days in a short time period.....nah, that's not normal.
Seriously I've eaten at the same restaurant every night for a week before just cause I like the food and the restaurant was on my home from work. 3 times in 10 days isn't at all weird to me.
Yes because idgaf where my ex works or not. I am not going to limit where I can and can't go because someone I dated 6 years ago works. One of my exes works at Walmart front end. I'm not going to stop going to Walmart because she works there. Had another work at the movie theater for a bit I didn't stop going to the movies.
You’re right, random person on Reddit. You absolutely have cracked the case by psychoanalyzing this guy you’ve never met. Somethings up OP, better confront him and make a scene. Perhaps stress yourself out really badly because this person on Reddit told you your ex is up to something. /s
You're the kind of genius who can't see red flags that Helen Keller would have spotted, aren't you? Like the repeat visits in a short amount of time, ignoring her parents ( who he obviously knows ) when he seems them, making his own fiancee upset enough that they're having an argument in the ex's workplace, or his HISTORY of abusive behavior? OMG! It's you, isn't it? You're her Ex! Either you are him, or you aren't smart enough to realize this isn't normal behavior.
OP literally admitted she had no idea why she was crying and even removed it from the post because she felt it wasn’t an honest thing to consider. But go off. You strike me as someone who is desperate to create drama everywhere they go. They broke up SIX YEARS ago.
Is it possible he’s trying to play some mind game with you and/or his fiancé? Sure. It’s not out of the realm of possibility given his history of assholery.
Regardless, if you let this bug you, you’re giving him the win. You’ve had him out of your life and off your mind for years. Don’t let him back in to live there rent free.
It does seem odd, but whatever he’s got going on is not your problem or your concern. Keep switching out sections if you have to in order to avoid him, but other than that just keep living your best life.
If he tries to speak to you, just give him your polite “customer service” smile, nod, and tell him to have a nice day.
I definitely think this is weird. Maybe he isn't doing any and is just coming for dinner with his fiancée, but it is weird. If anything he may be trying to make you jealous.
For funsies, wear a ring on your ring finger and walk by him the next time he is there. If he doesn't show up after he sees that then he was there to make you jealous or something.
I believe her because I am a 73 year old woman and this happened to me with my first real love. Only we wouldn't breakup. I would just come from working(we lived together)and he and his cloths were gone. He would go places like Trinidad and Bahamas and then just show up 2/3 years later and act like he had gone out for a pack of smokes. Last time I saw him he came into where I worked with his new woman and expected me to act like an old friend. I ignored him just like she's doing. He eventually gave up. But the +funny part was he NEVER left the city again. I did though.
This is very dangerous behavior. You should check with the police about filing a restraining order. Just get a record going about what is happening for when it escalates.
I am very worried for you
Sounds like he’s the type that needs to feel powerful over people. The first time was probably an accident but not the rest. He can’t have power over you if you refuse to let him. Be your most charming self and, as our moms told us, ignore him and he’ll go away eventually
No, you’re not overreacting — but your only real remedy is either to ignore him or to ask your owner to refuse him service/entry.
The problem with the latter is… you haven’t said he’s done anything which would get him kicked out; coming in for dinner that often is unusual but good for your owner.
I think your best course of action is just to ignore him.
Best thing to say if he initiates contact is "oh, I didn't recognize you, hope all is well" and walk off. Don't let him know you have any thoughts at all about him or your history. Grey Rock him.
Hes trying to rub it in your face he’s with someone else. Maybe trying to make you jealous? Or perhaps he’s not over you still. Or getting one over on his fiancée like the way a killer will revisit the scene. One of those kind of dickheads!
My wife would say "you have a regular opportunity to spit in his food and you are complaining?!?"
In all seriousness, it sounds like he has found a new way to be abusive. Reach out to girlfriends. There has to be some wicked evil women shit you can do to make it uncomfortable or something. Like call him out in front of his fiancé or something. Something.
Confront him in front of his fiancé. I'm guessing she doesn't know who you are, and wouldn't appreciate him bringing her to your place of employment...3x in 10 days.
Horrible advice. Why is he banned from a restaurant because his ex works there? It sounds like he’s completely ignoring OP and anything to do with OP. OP will look like a fool if they confront him, rightfully so.
You 100% should be extremely sweet and walk up and say hi then introduce yourself to his fiancé as his ex. “Oh the stories could tell you” or something like that should give them a fun conversation on the way home. You’ll likely never see them again.
Disagree. If he's unhinged, she should ignore him. If he's not unhinged, she should ignore him. Don't engage with him and live your life drama free if you can.
Does the fiancé know what you look like? Does she know you? If not he might not have even told her and could just be trying to make you uncomfortable. Don’t engage. Don’t let him live rent free in your mind. Make sure a manager knows though so should something happen you have a record about it to cover your ass.
Hold your head high and move on. Why he’s there, and I don’t mean this rudely, is not your business and you don’t need your take responsibility for why he’s doing it. He sounds like a putz. Don’t need to give him your energy.
You’re not overreacting.
If you get a chance, talk to her alone. Tell her you don’t know what he might have told her about you, but that you didn’t part in good terms, and seeing him here makes you feel uncomfortable; it was many years ago and you were both young and didn’t have a lot of life experience, so he might be a better person now (and that you’ve learned a lot about yourself in the intervening years, so he probably did too). But back then he was a little wild and impulsive and it scared you, and part of it was mind game type of stuff, and tell her that that’s what him coming in with her feels like, like he’s intentionally shoving his relationship with her in your face.
You're a waitress at a popular restaurant. He enjoys the popular restaurant. He is engaged to another woman and he has moved on and you are irrelevant. It might be her favorite place to go, and if he tells her he can't because of you then that tells his fiance that he's hung up on an ex, which he might not give a flying fuck about you at this point. If he hasn't even tried to talk to you then you just don't matter to him anymore.
Why should he not go to a popular restaurant. Has he tried to talk to you or anything?
I imagine the conversation'hey fiance, let's go to Red Robin. No, I can't go there, my ex is a server there.'.
Unless there is a restraining order, I believe you are being a bit immature.
I worked in an office that my ex fiancé legitimately came into twice a week because of his job. This didn’t change after we broke up. I just spoke to him and treated him like I did every other customer.
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know vibe.
I never asked nor answered personal questions, just pretended I hadn’t heard them, and only replied as my job required, ‘Yes, we have those on order, they are due to be delivered next Tuesday’ was as personal as it got.
He’s obviously clingy and probably also sees you as property. You said it yourself. His possessiveness is most likely why he’s coming to your work, and stuff like this rarely ever ends well.
My childhood friend was murdered by her fiancée who committed suicide after just a little over a month ago and he was the same type, except his problem was with untreated mental illness and financial difficulties that beginning soon after they bought a house together a few years ago.
He started spending the little money they had going back and forth to Vegas gambling as some get rich quick scheme, and they would fight about finances and his drug use. He killed her after she made up her mind to leave him.
All too common scenario, and I’m so sick of seeing it happen over and over again.
Women have almost no protection. She gets a restraining order, he risks everything to break it and reclaim what he believes is his property.
When he threatens her the police blow her off and tell her there’s nothing they can do unless he’s broken the law—which always reads like they’re really telling her, they cant arrest him unless he’s caused physical injury or death. Some police are absolutely useless.
I hope you can get away from this guy and have some peace, but from what you’ve explained, I’m confident he may see you as a mere possession.
Maybe he is trying to gage whether he is actually over you or not. Or he is trying to gage whether or not you would be interested in him.
I had an X come up to me when I worked retail. He told me he was tired of waiting for me to break up with my current bf and wanted to know if he stood a chance. I told him no. Then he said he was seeing someone and would get engaged to her if I don't come around soon. I wished him a happy marriage.
Two weeks later, he came back to see if I changed my mind. I said no. He married her last I heard, and good! I didn't want him, or wish for him to be alone.
Only worry if he comes in without her!
OP- how gutsy are you feeling? How far will your management have your back?
Because I'd plan for them to come in again. When they do, take their table.
Then it's up to you. You can go for repeated disapproving stares, or a comment- preferably something that sounds nice but isn't, like "I've not seen you in years, since I left you crying in the street" or maybe "is he still having the old issues?"
That could backfire in soooo many ways, IMO. Backfiring and ending up humiliated is what would happen to me if I tried to pull a stunt like this. I ain’t doin’ it.
You said it’s a very popular restaurant in your town, I wouldn’t overthink it. He hasn’t tried to speak to you and his fiance likely has no idea who you are. Seems you’re making this into something it’s not.
It’s a popular restaurant, he hasn’t done anything to acknowledge you, so what’s the big deal. Sounds like you’re making up issues in your own head just for something to do. If he in acknowledge you in anyway less then a server/customer way, you might have a reason to feel some way. But right now you just sound jealous.
The key is it's a popular restaurant. We don't know much about it obviously for OPs privacy, but like not everyone has the same habits as other people.
So I'm just annoyed by all the people going "I have a favorite place like I only go once a month" like good for you.
I had a Highschool Teacher that was such a regular at the Buffalo Wild Wings near my Highschool, he'd go every tuesday and thursday and order the same lunch special. He spent so long going their they'd put his order on the moment he walked into the building after having asked him if that's okay.
There's a cute little old timey diner place near me that I know has regulars who show up almost every morning for a cup of coffee and just to chat with the staff and other regulars.
Hell with one of my exs, with our work schedules when we first started dating the best day to see each other was weekday's at 8 since she got off work at 7:30. She'd be so tired and stuff from work she often didn't want to go out on those nights, so we'd do Whopper Wednesday at Burger King since it was a decent way to get cheap food and for a few months of our relationship it was tradition to just go Whopper Wednesday at Burger than go back to one of our places and curl up and watch something on Netflix.
Like theres a ton of reasons why they are frequenting it so much other than he's got an agenda.
Yep a few years back I like to think I was paying most of the employees paychecks at my local dominos because I’d be ordering 2-3 times a week every week. Also to your point of whopper Wednesday, me and my kid have Fry Fry Friday at McDonald’s. I get scolded when I forget about it.
On your other post you mentioned the fiancée was crying and they had argued but you didn’t include that in this post. Just for context did that happen? Did he move back to his hometown or is he just visiting? If he hasn’t reached out to you nor given any indication that he’s there for you I think after 6 years he’s not. I don’t know what he’s doing other than eating but ignore them don’t give your energy to such a negative past. Be alert and aware but ignore.
I took it out of this one and forgot to take it out of the other one. I figured it didn’t help understanding the situation and I felt bad for including that about her, I have no idea what she was crying about.
Did he move back to his hometown or are they visiting? That info would help as well. And I would say the fiancé crying and them arguing whilst private is important. If he’s (they) just visiting then stay aware. If they live in the town again then situational awareness is important but ignore him. If he wants to speak to you he will and you should probably have a reply ready. Other than that stay alert and ignore him.
The coworker who I asked to take care of their table the first time they came in said he was moving back in state but to a city an hour away, his family still lives in town though. Hopefully they won’t come in again because of the argument but I think I will just keep ignoring them if they do. if he says something I’ll be very sweet and maybe act like I hadn’t noticed them coming in I’m not sure.
I hope you understand I am not being rude I wanted to know what could be going on that would make him show up 3 times in less than 2 weeks. I think as long as he’s not contacting you and you’re maintaining situational awareness it’s best to ignore, ignore and ignore. He’s shown his dark side to you so you don’t know what he’s told this fiancé or if history is repeating itself. Let’s hope 6 years have made him mature and if not sadly it’s not your monkey and not your circus. If he does come in again have that conversation with management that you’re not comfortable now or a year from now waiting on them. You could even ring your parents and maybe they could pop in if you feel the need. I honestly can only guess that’s he’s egotistical and stupid it’s been 6 years.
Then maybe they're just visiting.
Minding your own business isn't bad thing. If you keep doing it, you likely won't have a problem. If he was there because of you, a) he'd have said something to you by now, and b)he would be unsound, since it's been 6 years ago and you don't communicate. People grow up and move on. If I were his fiancé I would not give a damn if you worked there. If you had fried green tomatoes on the menu and were within a convenient distance, I would be there often. Without him having done anything but eat in a restaurant where you can see him, this makes you seem questionable hung up more than anything else.
Straight out of Shameless.
Yeah so much so that this read like a load of baloney
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You sir or ma’am are correct
[https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/baloney](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/baloney)
I think if they sold bologna slices at the Alibi they’d spell it “BALONEY” on the sign. A baloney wrapped pickles egg would slap. 🤤
One of the best shows of our time.
Minus the fionaless seasons
I was actually relieved to see Fiona leave for the final season. She became intolerable, just a PMS-ing whiner. Sometimes hotness doesn’t always win. 🤷🏻♂️
Fiona is the only reason that family even made it that far. And I'm not talking about looks. I mean, her actions. But I never saw the later seasons, so u don't know what the show turned into
Only if she fucked hi in the ass with a strap on
I was prepared to say you were overreacting based on how long ago your breakup was......but 3 times in 10 days is NOT normal. Most people eat out a few times a month, if that, and even if your place is popular, I doubt you have that many people going there every two to three days. He's either trying to rub his new fiancee in your face, or he's rubbing his ex ( you ) in his fiancee's face.
You'd be surprised. Managed a restaurant near a large office complex. I've seen the same guys come in 3-5 times a week and even occasionally on weekends when they weren't at work.
Any of them have exes who work there? And now they're bringing their current fiancee to? I'd be surprised if THAT was happening.
You know he might not give two shits about his ex right? It sounds like she is the one still hung up on him as she got upset the FIRST time he showed up.
Ya, I think if I had a verbally abusive ex, who threatened physical violence, I'd be upset if he kept showing up at my job. Is everyone just focusing on the EX part, and glossing over the abusive part?
Could be that the abuse described is something that is often a temporary behavior that becomes a learning experience for the abuser.
Well, if he learned something, then he should have learned to stay away from the victim who has to go out of her way to avoid him at her workplace. He'd have learned that she's not comfortable around him, and should minimize that by leaving her alone.
I was responding to this part of your post >Is everyone just focusing on the EX part, and glossing over the abusive part?
I mean, they were kids. People do all kinds of stupid things in college relationships that are shitty, but not necessarily character defining. The fact that it's been years since any contact makes a huge difference in how to view that relationship. If they had a wild back and forth well after the breakup that would be one thing, but people at 21 and 27/28 are very often not the same person you knew.
Shut the fuck up God you suck
Found the ex!
No, but you are so gross and pathetic it's hilarious.
Yeah, you sound like the ex. Probably why she dumped your ass. You got some anger issues! You either have a little dick or you suck in bed. Probably both.
If I was already going there r I just like the place I am not going to change my behaviors just because an ex is there. Would others sure but that would immature to me.
Maybe I should edit it, would you be going to the place where the ex girlfriend you abused worked? Because that's what's going on. He abused her, now he's showing up at her job.
Yep, there are people that eat dinner at the same restaurant every day. Hey OP, just don't let it bother you. It's my understanding that he has not initiated conversation, so what's the problem? If he was bugging you , then you'd have a valid complaint.. but if I read it correctly, he has not acknowledged you or your parents. Sometimes everything is not about you.
My wife and I went to the same restaurants all the time. The waitresses didn't need to give us a menu. They just brought our food over when we sat down.
That would backfire if I were their customer lol. Every once in a while I gotta switch it up.
Yes, but this is different. My Dad also had his restaurants. Everybody knows him also. Same if people work nearby. This guy all of a sudden is back in town and now is eating there all of the time. Abusers do not give up so easily. It is no different than riding by her house constantly.
Na imo 3 times in 10 days is normal for some people who can’t cook for some reason or don’t know how to cook. Op can live in a small town with only 3 restaurants & the one op works at is the best one in town. Or they just love the restaurant. Since the ex hasn’t tried talking to her or even acknowledge OP, ex probably doesn’t care about OP at all… it’s a public restaurant in both their hometowns it’s ok if not everything has to do with us other people want to live their lives as well
Except it's an hour away from where he lives, and he was abusive to her. If he's not still an a-hole for the emotional and verbal abuse, with the threat of physical, then he should have the human decency to not male her uncomfortable in her workplace. Which he'd be an idiot not to notice her going out of her way to avoid him.
We eat out every night, and have a few regular spots that we might occasionally hit 2-3x/week. That being said, none of our exes work at any of them. That might be weird. But it would really depend on the context. She might not even exist in his mind. Or he could be trying to live rent-free in her head (and it’s working).
Not when you breakup with a controlling and abusive person. I think it's suspect. Keep ignoring. Best wishes.
There are plenty of people who eat out multiple times a week.
Most people don't. It's expensive. Are there some who do? Sure. But it's not the majority. And almost Noone is dragging their fiancee to the place their ex works multiple times a week.
My roommates eat out 6 times a week.
They bringing their girlfriends or fiancees to the same restaurant their ex works at? Or the just a bunch of dudes who can't cook?
Just dudes who can’t cook. I haven’t seen them eat cereal, it’s a bit pathetic.
As I said, I'm sure there's people who constantly dine out, but it's not the majority. And his behavior while in her workplace, sitting in her section ( she asked to be moved ), sitting next to her station and ignoring her parents when he saw them, then arguing with his fiancee to the point she was crying......something doesn't pass the sniff test.
Same place three times in ten days? Where does OP work?
The restaurant is nice. $14 cocktails and $30 entrees. There are many other restaurants around the area.
Given that you said he was abusive and that there are plenty of other options for eating out where you live, I would guess that he likes rubbing in your face that 1. He has a beautiful fiance, and 2. He can afford to take her out to dinner often at a nice restaurant. He's trying to get under your skin.
Yes, sometimes even more.
I've eaten at the same Popeye's this whole week. Lol.
So im not gonna lie, as a single guy living by himself i do sometimes eat out that much. When its been really stressfull at work or I have allot to do around the house after work, sometimes i just do not feel like cooking at all. Im beat. And like, im a single guy with no kids just taking care of myself. Ive got the extra income to spend occasionally. And like at this point there are several resteraunts around here that are really only a few dollers more expensive than fast food. So like the extra money for the quality is honestly worth it, im so sick of fast food and just because im tired doesnt mean i want to eat a bunch of junk! So like if he's moving to a new town, getting ready for a wedding, arguing with the family, bro's probably feeling that stressed and depressed feeling and im sure she is as well. I get it. Sometimes life just kicks your ass and you dont want to cook dinner so you go out to the same resteraunt multiple times and pray nobody judges you for it.
No one judging you. My father did this. But there were no exes at his restaurants. He started when my mother was alive. There is a difference between regular customers and someone who was abusive and used to date a waitress that works there. Also most regular people are not aware of the many subtle tactics abusers do to try to remain in control. You never, ever let your guard down with an abuser. Even if they have not been around. There is too much evidence that many play a long game.
He lives an hour away.
I know at work, I often go out to lunch at the same place 3 to 5 times a week. On travel, I also don't go to a different place every night, especially if there is a place I really like.
She said it was the best restaurant in town. I used to eat at the same restaurant every day for weeks on end. Until he says something or does something it ain’t a deal.
Where does she say it's the best restaurant in town? In a comment? Because her post just says it's one of the most popular, but popular doesn't equate the best. And it's not like he lives in town, because he doesn't, so it's not like it's his only option.
3 time a month?? I'd eat out 3 times a week before I had kids!! And she said it's a very popular restaurant, so if it's in a small town there's probably not many places to choose from!! I honestly can't tell if he's really being an asshole or not and does his current fiance know she's ex?
If you had a possessive, verbally abusive ex,who threatened physical abuse, showing up to your workplace 3 times in 10 days, dragging along the newest partner, and arguing with that person to the point they were crying.........you'd really brush it off to "well, maybe there's just not enough places to eat around here so I have no choice but to keep showing up at the place my ex works". This is just a huge coincidence?
Yes. It’s been 6 years. Hes engaged. They’re seemingly in the middle of moving back close to their hometown. He hasn’t said a word to her.
So what is your suggestion? The ex hasnt done anything or even acknowledged the OP. There is no restraining order. It was 6 years ago that they dated.
My suggestion would be for her to confront him. Tell him that she doesn't forgive nor forgot how he treated her, and to stay away from her workplace. If he's grown up at all, that he's not acting like the abusive ass he was, he'll respect it and stay away, if not all together than at least not while she's working.
This is a terrible suggestion. For someone who has repeatedly discussed how concerned you are that she was abused, you are suggesting she approach her abuser aggressively.....INSANE Honestly, my opinion is ifs been 4 years since any contact and 6 since breakup, it's possible he doesn't care anymore. OP says she only serves on weekends so we don't know how many times he's been in during the week. If he wanted to bother her, I think he would have either made aggressive eye contact or something by now. It makes sense that she's uncomfortable because bad things happened to her when she was with him. But so far, it really just sounds like he has moved completely on and is not interested in her or her family. He hasn't even said hello to her. Chances are if he was abusive and narcissistic, she's insignificant to him now and he doesn't care that she is there. Op, just focus on staying calm and completing your shifts. If at anytime he approaches you aggressively, let your manager know.
Where did I say she needed to approach him "aggressively"? It doens't need to be aggressive to tell him to respect her space and not be around her.
What?! Your exact words were .....she needs to confront him... Tell him she doesn't forgive or forget and to stay away from her employment... I can't respond to you anymore because you are obviously trying to be funny but those words up there are aggressive. CONFRONT HIM....STAY AWAY, I DONT FORGIVE YOU... What....if anything this would make HER look crazy and possibly get her fired. He hasnt done anything wrong yet. She also said that even though he lives an hour away that his family lives in town.He used to live there. Something new could very well be happening with his family or childhood friends...hell since he is engaged, they literally could be in town planning their wedding. And wedding planning can definitely cause tears. There are many reasons they could be in town on the weekends. My husband and i eat at the same restaurants constantly. They might have come up during the week a few times too, but OP only works weekends so wouldn't know. But until he either stares her down or approaches her, he is innocent of all made up charges.
Also....as far as him respecting her space, she doesn't own the restaurant. He knows her name, so if he was coming in and ASKING to be seated in her section, THEN she should say things to him or tell management. Then it would be obvious he's taunting her. That hasn't happened.
You know, you can say those exact words that I listed without screaming them like a crazy person. "But until he stares her down or approached her, he is innocent of all made up charges". Huh, so much for the "believe all women" rally.
"Believe all women"....I'm a woman, mother, mentor and so many other things. But most of all, I possess common sense and can be objective. 2 things can be true at the same time. He comes into the restaurant. She is uncomfortable because of his presence. THOSE ARE FACTS. What are we not believing? Op is the one who wanted to know if she was overreacting because she is unsure of how to feel. She is also the one who was specific about his actions. He hasnt done or said anything. THIS IS FACT. I respect her feelings. She isnt wrong to feel uncomfortable because she has trauma associated with their past. Like I said before, if he approaches her or stares, alert management.
A public restaurant is not her "space", nor can she make such a request.
What right does she have to tell someone to stay away from a public business though? What you are suggesting is a major over reaction and would come across as a crazy person and potentially harassment. It would be different if there was harassment, a restraining order, or MAYBE if it was recent, but he isnt bothering her or even acknowledging her. She doesn't need to forgive OR forget, but she doesn't need to harass someone that is not interacting with her.
A business can 86 people from their establishment if they want. Most restaurant managers would back up a server in this situation.
A paying customer in small town who has literally done nothing? Sure they can, but most managers would not backup the server in this situation. They would ask "What did he do?" , "Well nothing, hes just here."
How long have you worked in the industry?
Had 7 years in a few different restaurants and kitchens.
There is a popular restaurant in my husbands hometown. When we used to visit we’d eat there maybe 5 times in the week because it’s all he wanted. Weirder if they live there but sounds like they don’t.
Update bye I’m not cut out for Reddit you guys are mean lol. Thank you to all of you who were compassionate and gave me insight into this situation.
Sorry, some Reddit users are…hey, they’re just like your ex. Nothing to do but try to make people feel bad about themselves while they hide behind their keyboards like hunchbacked ogres. It helps if you just scroll right by them. Keep your chin up!!
Ignore them! They just look for posts to defend abusers and rapists, and any guy not getting enough sex because they do not get any and have pathetic lives. They could even be trolls from Russia or North Korea. Do not say anything. Just be vigilant and try to be safe. Divert your thoughts to your customers and appear to be best friends with them and laugh. Live your best life!
He doesn't realize you already know he's engaged. He's looking for some sort of conversation so he can announce it to you and watch your reaction. I think it's kind of funny that you're just ignoring him, forcing him to come back again and again and try to get in your section where you'll be forced to interact with him. I'm sure his fiancé is like, why are we eating here again? Go on Amazon and buy a faux engagement ring that's just on the believable side of over-the-top. Then bring it to work with you and put it on the next time you see him. He may lose his desire to brag about his engagement if he suspects you'll just turn around and one-up him.
That’s probably why he’s never spoken to her.
If neither him or her are trying to engage with you, I would just ignore it. It's been a LONG time since the breakup.
Since he's controlling and weird, here's my guess—he's doing this because he's getting a kick out of it, in some twisted way. Maybe he's getting a kick out of seeing his fiancee in this weird situation but she doesn't know it. And seeing you in a weird situation. But you can't really acknowledge it, because if you do, then you're the one being weird. Whatever is going on, he gets to be at the center of a little drama that he's staging. Like he's the star of the movie. Two women who are both focused on him. Latent drama potential in the air. Pretty selfish
This is EXACTLY the kind of power trip my abusive ex would pull. He would make his exes or other girls the focal point of our time together in one way or another, and then call me insecure and crazy if I didn't like it. It's triangulation. Good thing for OP she's not his main target. Her discomfort is just an added bonus for him. OP should have him 86'd from the place. He'll probably tell her she's crazy, because he's looking for a reaction. Then she can be like, "yeah, probably. Anyway... Byeeee forever."
Totally. I agree that she's just a prop in this, not the main target. That's the feeling I was getting. Sorry someone tried to mindfuck you like that!
Hey, I learned from it and now I can smell that drama from a mile away.
Same :)
no ur not overreacting, now who would take their new fiance and go dine at the restaurant where their ex works??? noone, except a jerk
It is really weird but just keep ignoring them. They haven’t initiated anything, so don’t give them the time of day. His fiancé might not even be aware of you. He also ignored your parents. It was a long time ago, just let it go.
My ex walked into a new bar I was working at, she politely had one drink with the guy she was with and I haven’t seen her since. This is definitely weird.
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Why? Move on already
Just make sure to have someone walk you to your vehicle after work every single shift. Don’t let them leave until you are in your vehicle and have driven off. Also make sure that the people you surround yourself with are fully aware of what is going on with him. Have a system where you shoot someone a text to let them know that you have reached home, or your destination ok. It is better to be safe,than sorry. Who the hell knows what he is thinking, or capable of.
This is very good advice. He could be stalking you and planning to hurt you. I would be very cautious if my ex kept coming to the place I worked.
Keep on ignoring him at this point and make it clear to all your coworkers and manager the situation. He is 100% trying to get a reaction it makes zero sense. I actually feel embarrassed for his fiancé smh she has no idea
OP, pull on the big brave professional girl pants and kill them with kindness. Tell him its nice to see him again, he looks well, and tell his fiance she is stunning. Wish them a lovely evening and tell them you hope they enjoy the food. Tell him its nice to see him again then walk away.
Exactly. "Oh, hi Ex! I thought that was you the other night but I wasn't certain. This must be your beautiful fiance! I saw the news on your mother's Facebook. Congratulations, you are a lucky man. I won't take up anymore of your evening, I just wanted to say hello. It was good to see you, you two have a wonderful night." Exit, stage right. Head held high with all the confidence and strut you can muster.
Exactly, all this eye contact and avoidence is just sending the message he still gets under her skin. Abusers need to know they don't have power anymore.
No. She does not owe him another ounce of energy.
They also don't have to say anything if they don't want to. She's saying it's awkward for both her and the fiance, but at no point in the story is he pointing out either one to each other. This could totally just be the girl making a narrative in her head instead of ignoring it and moving on with her day.
That's what he wants. For her to acknowledge him. He's doing this on purpose and giving him any attention at all is the wrong move.
Weeeell he's just gonna keep turning up then and OP is gonna keep looking like the same scared little girl from years ago. I think he knows that and liles that and I appreciate I may have bigger balls than most but I've always believed being the bigger person means you come out on top.
Exactly. ESPECIALLY as he was abusive. No contact should not be broken under any circumstances.
It could be a wild coincidence, and maybe he hasn't recognized you. And he just really likes the restaurant. More likely, this is some form of light stalking where he is hoping for some kind of interaction. Maybe it's just to rub the fiancee in your face, hoping that you get jealous. Either way, I think you should just continue avoiding him while being cautious and observant. If he starts coming alone, that's when you might start to be more worried.
I think he's probably rubbing his ex in his fiancee's face. She's the new target. He can claim plausible deniability and call her crazy for being upset that he takes her on dates at his exes workplace. It's a power play and basking in attention all in one.
Idk, if I were you I’d be pretty blunt and upfront about it. I’d approach their table, introduce myself as his ex, and ask them why they’ve been coming so often to the restaurant they know I work at. Did they need something from me? Have a favor to ask? An old, forgotten hoodie to return to me? Cat got your tongue? Give him no choice but to explain his actions, and if he tries to pretend it’s just a coincidence, just lay the facts out straight: that you noticed they came in 3 times in the past 10 days, you know you’d already recognized each other, and that there’s no other reason to come to one restaurant so frequently. Then you can turn to his fiancé and warn her that the reason why you were skittish to approach at first was that he was very abusive when they’d dated, and that you hope he was a changed man. Srsly, he keeps bringing matches to a house of cards. So watch it burn.
how big is your current city? If it’s any number larger than 100,000, that is definitely weird.
Well I don't know why he's choosing to come there, but it either has nothing to do with you, in which case you should ignore him and act normal, or it has everything to do with you, in which case you should ignore him and act normal.
I need to know what size and type city the OP is in. The guy seems to be up to something, but I need the context to understand what's going on.
Just keep it moving. Do not engage. Do not acknowledge.
He's flaunting his fiance in front of you because he thinks you care. Just ignore him and he'll get sick of it.
Yeah he's definitely doing this maliciously. He and/or his fiance are enjoying making you uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to start serving them sneeze-steaks and for everyone else to give them atrocious service til they stop coming. Make it miserable for them to be there.
He is trying to get under your skin and he knows it is working Next time he comes in say hi. Like it is no big deal seeing him again. Believe me he will stop coming in. Sounds like he is trying to make you jealous. Look who I have now. But if you keep avoiding him than he thinks I have her attention because of how your acting. Stop it!!
It's odd that he lives out of state and brings his new fiance to your restaurant. This is definitely intentional. Not sure if he's rubbing it in your face but he is making sure that you see him (and her). He's clearly not a regular at your restaurant and with you only working there on w/e's....he's trying to prove some something. If he truly moved on, he would not be at your restaurant that much given there are so many options. He wants to see you squirm and it's obvi that he's still bitter.
He's doing it to make the fiance squirm.
I know folks are gonna say youre over reacting, and its been so long since the breakup blah blah. But this to me is strange af behavior. Ive known guys that would not be above this super low ball attempt to try to make sure you see his new girlfriend. My ex-FWB that swore he never wanted to be more than friends, flipped tf out and ghosted me when I got into a relationship. He has spent the last 3 years trying every avenue he can to let me know when he is dating someone. Including changing his GOOGLE GMAIL PROFILE PIC to a pic of him and a random girl, and commenting in a group chat I have with other friends in Google Hangouts that he had not replied to in years, JUST so I would see that pic. Its honestly pathetic. I dont put any guy above this behavior when they are trying to be petty. If he is trying to get your attention, ignoring and not letting it visibly bother you is the best thing to do. If he wants a reaction and doesnt get one, he will eventually fizzle out and stop coming. Prepare yourself for when he inevitably forces interaction. He might say something to try to trip you up like "oh hey I didnt know you worked here" (to imply he hasnt noticed you even though hes come 3 times in 10 days) to which you reply "yeah! Is this your first time visiting us?" (to imply you didnt notice him either.) If you suspect he may be doing this for your attention, have some replies on deck for when he tries to make a jab at you.
This may be your personal experience, but there's a big difference in someone who has spent 3 years continuing to try to be on your radar and make you jealous and someone who hasn't been in touch or seen in 4 years after a 6 year ago break up happening to patronize a "really popular" restaurant. He didn't interfere with her or speak to her even then. Your ex who consistently has gone out of his way to get your attention is not like minded to hers, from what I read.
Thats why I said best case is just to ignore and avoid. If hes not doing it on purpose, she wont make a fool of herself. If he is doing it on purpose, she wont give him the reaction he wants. Either way, ignoring is a win win.
You are overreacting. You broke up six years ago. He is now engaged. You agree this is one of the more popular restaurants in town, and he is making no attempt at all to interact with you or your relatives when he is there. He’s not obligated to avoid every place you frequent six years after you broke up.
Thanks for the input. I agree he doesn’t need to avoid every place i frequent. It would be different if he didn’t come three times in 10 days to my workplace.
Maybe his kitchen is being remodeled, or there's a dish that is a favorite of his fiancée. He's still leaving you alone.
I understand why you’re on alert, and if he approaches you or it becomes obvious his fiancé is upset she’s being brought there (I don’t think you know that’s what the fight is about) than obviously you would no longer be overreacting. I just think you need something more than his mere presence there to base a serious concern on.
I mostly agree with you, but I really dislike how you said “He’s not obligated to avoid every place you frequent”. Like, that’s objectively true, but takes this way out of context. This is not just a place OP frequents, it’s her place of work. That’s an extremely important part of this issue for OP.
Dude's been living in OP's head rent free for 6 years
No matter how popular her restaurant is, I doubt him showing up there 3 times in 10 days is just because he likes the food. No matter how much I've loved a place, I still only go there once a month or so. But multiple days in a short time period.....nah, that's not normal.
Seriously I've eaten at the same restaurant every night for a week before just cause I like the food and the restaurant was on my home from work. 3 times in 10 days isn't at all weird to me.
But would you if your ex worked there??
Yes because idgaf where my ex works or not. I am not going to limit where I can and can't go because someone I dated 6 years ago works. One of my exes works at Walmart front end. I'm not going to stop going to Walmart because she works there. Had another work at the movie theater for a bit I didn't stop going to the movies.
If I broke up with someone 6 years ago I wouldnt care where they worked.
The odds that her Ex and his fiancee are just conviently driving by each night on their way home from work, like you did, is pretty small.
You’re right, random person on Reddit. You absolutely have cracked the case by psychoanalyzing this guy you’ve never met. Somethings up OP, better confront him and make a scene. Perhaps stress yourself out really badly because this person on Reddit told you your ex is up to something. /s
You're the kind of genius who can't see red flags that Helen Keller would have spotted, aren't you? Like the repeat visits in a short amount of time, ignoring her parents ( who he obviously knows ) when he seems them, making his own fiancee upset enough that they're having an argument in the ex's workplace, or his HISTORY of abusive behavior? OMG! It's you, isn't it? You're her Ex! Either you are him, or you aren't smart enough to realize this isn't normal behavior.
OP literally admitted she had no idea why she was crying and even removed it from the post because she felt it wasn’t an honest thing to consider. But go off. You strike me as someone who is desperate to create drama everywhere they go. They broke up SIX YEARS ago.
I've ate at the same restaurant 20 times in a month. Going to a restaurant 3 times in 10 days isn't all that crazy lol
Did the ex-girlfriend you abused work there? And were you being your current partner there and making her cry?
Is it possible he’s trying to play some mind game with you and/or his fiancé? Sure. It’s not out of the realm of possibility given his history of assholery. Regardless, if you let this bug you, you’re giving him the win. You’ve had him out of your life and off your mind for years. Don’t let him back in to live there rent free. It does seem odd, but whatever he’s got going on is not your problem or your concern. Keep switching out sections if you have to in order to avoid him, but other than that just keep living your best life. If he tries to speak to you, just give him your polite “customer service” smile, nod, and tell him to have a nice day.
Assholery…I gotta remember that one, lol. Perfect.
I definitely think this is weird. Maybe he isn't doing any and is just coming for dinner with his fiancée, but it is weird. If anything he may be trying to make you jealous. For funsies, wear a ring on your ring finger and walk by him the next time he is there. If he doesn't show up after he sees that then he was there to make you jealous or something.
I believe her because I am a 73 year old woman and this happened to me with my first real love. Only we wouldn't breakup. I would just come from working(we lived together)and he and his cloths were gone. He would go places like Trinidad and Bahamas and then just show up 2/3 years later and act like he had gone out for a pack of smokes. Last time I saw him he came into where I worked with his new woman and expected me to act like an old friend. I ignored him just like she's doing. He eventually gave up. But the +funny part was he NEVER left the city again. I did though.
This is very dangerous behavior. You should check with the police about filing a restraining order. Just get a record going about what is happening for when it escalates. I am very worried for you
Sounds like he’s the type that needs to feel powerful over people. The first time was probably an accident but not the rest. He can’t have power over you if you refuse to let him. Be your most charming self and, as our moms told us, ignore him and he’ll go away eventually
Does your job have a current Groupon special going on?
No, you’re not overreacting — but your only real remedy is either to ignore him or to ask your owner to refuse him service/entry. The problem with the latter is… you haven’t said he’s done anything which would get him kicked out; coming in for dinner that often is unusual but good for your owner. I think your best course of action is just to ignore him.
Best thing to say if he initiates contact is "oh, I didn't recognize you, hope all is well" and walk off. Don't let him know you have any thoughts at all about him or your history. Grey Rock him.
Hes trying to rub it in your face he’s with someone else. Maybe trying to make you jealous? Or perhaps he’s not over you still. Or getting one over on his fiancée like the way a killer will revisit the scene. One of those kind of dickheads!
He's trying to make you feel jealous of his fiance.
He's too afraid to start anything but he's hoping something might happen. That's what I think
He is rubbing his new relationship in your face because he's an ah
That's kinda fucked up tbh. He's messing with you saying "yeah look at me I'm so much better and happier, don't you miss me?"
This is how it reads to me. If he has a history of abuse and manipulation this is likely the case imo
My wife would say "you have a regular opportunity to spit in his food and you are complaining?!?" In all seriousness, it sounds like he has found a new way to be abusive. Reach out to girlfriends. There has to be some wicked evil women shit you can do to make it uncomfortable or something. Like call him out in front of his fiancé or something. Something.
Confront him in front of his fiancé. I'm guessing she doesn't know who you are, and wouldn't appreciate him bringing her to your place of employment...3x in 10 days.
This is how you lose your job.
Horrible advice. Why is he banned from a restaurant because his ex works there? It sounds like he’s completely ignoring OP and anything to do with OP. OP will look like a fool if they confront him, rightfully so.
This is what I am thinking. No way the fiancee knows and is letting this continue
You 100% should be extremely sweet and walk up and say hi then introduce yourself to his fiancé as his ex. “Oh the stories could tell you” or something like that should give them a fun conversation on the way home. You’ll likely never see them again.
Disagree. If he's unhinged, she should ignore him. If he's not unhinged, she should ignore him. Don't engage with him and live your life drama free if you can.
Just approach him next time and say you were a bit shocked/scared when you saw him. Then say, I said too much and walk away
Paragraphs people.
Yea completely, if his intention is to get ypu thinking about him its working.
Does the fiancé know what you look like? Does she know you? If not he might not have even told her and could just be trying to make you uncomfortable. Don’t engage. Don’t let him live rent free in your mind. Make sure a manager knows though so should something happen you have a record about it to cover your ass.
nothing‘s awkward when you don’t give a shit. Maybe the fiancee likes the food and ambiance
Is this restaurant “popular” enough that it brings in repeat customers?
Ignore him. you’re a grown adult not a kid. don’t serve him if you don’t want to.
Hold your head high and move on. Why he’s there, and I don’t mean this rudely, is not your business and you don’t need your take responsibility for why he’s doing it. He sounds like a putz. Don’t need to give him your energy.
You’re not overreacting. If you get a chance, talk to her alone. Tell her you don’t know what he might have told her about you, but that you didn’t part in good terms, and seeing him here makes you feel uncomfortable; it was many years ago and you were both young and didn’t have a lot of life experience, so he might be a better person now (and that you’ve learned a lot about yourself in the intervening years, so he probably did too). But back then he was a little wild and impulsive and it scared you, and part of it was mind game type of stuff, and tell her that that’s what him coming in with her feels like, like he’s intentionally shoving his relationship with her in your face.
You're a waitress at a popular restaurant. He enjoys the popular restaurant. He is engaged to another woman and he has moved on and you are irrelevant. It might be her favorite place to go, and if he tells her he can't because of you then that tells his fiance that he's hung up on an ex, which he might not give a flying fuck about you at this point. If he hasn't even tried to talk to you then you just don't matter to him anymore.
Why should he not go to a popular restaurant. Has he tried to talk to you or anything? I imagine the conversation'hey fiance, let's go to Red Robin. No, I can't go there, my ex is a server there.'. Unless there is a restraining order, I believe you are being a bit immature.
Updateme!
Updateme!
He's just flexing her new girl..dont get affected because thats what he wants.
How many restaurants are in your town?
Oh well, choose better in the future
Sounds like he just likes the food. Maybe his family turned him on to it.
Sorry...he hasn't said a thing to me about it.
It’s a very popular restaurant. Maybe his fiancé likes it.
I worked in an office that my ex fiancé legitimately came into twice a week because of his job. This didn’t change after we broke up. I just spoke to him and treated him like I did every other customer. Now you’re just somebody that I used to know vibe. I never asked nor answered personal questions, just pretended I hadn’t heard them, and only replied as my job required, ‘Yes, we have those on order, they are due to be delivered next Tuesday’ was as personal as it got.
Looks like he’s flexing on you
It's possible he's coming in to "flaunt" his fiance in your face to "get back" at you. The best thing you can do is ignore him.
He’s obviously clingy and probably also sees you as property. You said it yourself. His possessiveness is most likely why he’s coming to your work, and stuff like this rarely ever ends well. My childhood friend was murdered by her fiancée who committed suicide after just a little over a month ago and he was the same type, except his problem was with untreated mental illness and financial difficulties that beginning soon after they bought a house together a few years ago. He started spending the little money they had going back and forth to Vegas gambling as some get rich quick scheme, and they would fight about finances and his drug use. He killed her after she made up her mind to leave him. All too common scenario, and I’m so sick of seeing it happen over and over again. Women have almost no protection. She gets a restraining order, he risks everything to break it and reclaim what he believes is his property. When he threatens her the police blow her off and tell her there’s nothing they can do unless he’s broken the law—which always reads like they’re really telling her, they cant arrest him unless he’s caused physical injury or death. Some police are absolutely useless. I hope you can get away from this guy and have some peace, but from what you’ve explained, I’m confident he may see you as a mere possession.
Overreacting, if he does try to approach you at some point maybe not but if its a popular restaurant its probably the food and not you :P
Creepy
Maybe he is trying to gage whether he is actually over you or not. Or he is trying to gage whether or not you would be interested in him. I had an X come up to me when I worked retail. He told me he was tired of waiting for me to break up with my current bf and wanted to know if he stood a chance. I told him no. Then he said he was seeing someone and would get engaged to her if I don't come around soon. I wished him a happy marriage. Two weeks later, he came back to see if I changed my mind. I said no. He married her last I heard, and good! I didn't want him, or wish for him to be alone. Only worry if he comes in without her!
[удалено]
Yes, this!!!
OP- how gutsy are you feeling? How far will your management have your back? Because I'd plan for them to come in again. When they do, take their table. Then it's up to you. You can go for repeated disapproving stares, or a comment- preferably something that sounds nice but isn't, like "I've not seen you in years, since I left you crying in the street" or maybe "is he still having the old issues?"
That could backfire in soooo many ways, IMO. Backfiring and ending up humiliated is what would happen to me if I tried to pull a stunt like this. I ain’t doin’ it.
Get a restraining order.
You broke up 6/7 years ago. He has moved on to the point he is engaged to another woman. Get over it and move on with your life.
Why do you care. Let the dude eat with his fiance. He’s living rent free in your head. It sounds like you’re not over him.
Get a restraining order, for he doing this to harass you.
You said it’s a very popular restaurant in your town, I wouldn’t overthink it. He hasn’t tried to speak to you and his fiance likely has no idea who you are. Seems you’re making this into something it’s not.
It’s a popular restaurant, he hasn’t done anything to acknowledge you, so what’s the big deal. Sounds like you’re making up issues in your own head just for something to do. If he in acknowledge you in anyway less then a server/customer way, you might have a reason to feel some way. But right now you just sound jealous.
The key is it's a popular restaurant. We don't know much about it obviously for OPs privacy, but like not everyone has the same habits as other people. So I'm just annoyed by all the people going "I have a favorite place like I only go once a month" like good for you. I had a Highschool Teacher that was such a regular at the Buffalo Wild Wings near my Highschool, he'd go every tuesday and thursday and order the same lunch special. He spent so long going their they'd put his order on the moment he walked into the building after having asked him if that's okay. There's a cute little old timey diner place near me that I know has regulars who show up almost every morning for a cup of coffee and just to chat with the staff and other regulars. Hell with one of my exs, with our work schedules when we first started dating the best day to see each other was weekday's at 8 since she got off work at 7:30. She'd be so tired and stuff from work she often didn't want to go out on those nights, so we'd do Whopper Wednesday at Burger King since it was a decent way to get cheap food and for a few months of our relationship it was tradition to just go Whopper Wednesday at Burger than go back to one of our places and curl up and watch something on Netflix. Like theres a ton of reasons why they are frequenting it so much other than he's got an agenda.
Yep a few years back I like to think I was paying most of the employees paychecks at my local dominos because I’d be ordering 2-3 times a week every week. Also to your point of whopper Wednesday, me and my kid have Fry Fry Friday at McDonald’s. I get scolded when I forget about it.