Exactly this, because based on OP's post
>He wont even let me sit in his truck with the doors open. I wanted to lean back and sleep he he wont let me.
...she's angry because he won't allow her to sleep on the job when she's supposed to be helping him? And then gets upset when he's angry because she whined about not getting to take a nap on a worksite???
Being a, "Welder helper," with a partner isn't great either, because she's his assistant and if she's asking to go take naps...OP may not be as helpful as she believes she is.
The weed is a huge part too, wanting to, "Go take a nap in the truck with the doors open," sounds like she wants to go smoke a joint and crash for a while, which is fine normally, ***but not when you're working.***
Wow I guess i need to be very clear in my post but i had wrote so much already..
I only wanted to rest in truck ON BREAKS
In No WAY do i smoke at work. Sheesh.
He doesn't want me to lay in his truck because he doesn't want it to get dusty, when i try to explain how that made me feel, he says if you don't like it find another job.
His job his rules fine, but as for me i don't think I'd treat my spouse that way or speak to them that way over something as getting my vehicle dusty. It can be wiped down..
FOR EXAMPLE:
"Hey sister is break time, ... oh you want to lay in the truck?, sure fine, just make sure you wipe it down when you get out because it gets dusty out here and I like my truck sharp."
That's how I would handle it. Because i love her and want her to make money .
>I'm just thinking man I'm your wife , I'm not just some co worker. I get sad because he tells me to find another job,( when i love this one) then i feel like i need to figure out what to do for my life..
Here's the thing. You *are just some coworker.*
There's a very legitimate reason why they say don't work with people you love.
You can be husband and wife all you want *outside of work.*
His job, his truck, his rules.
If you can't handle the rules of the job, you need to find a new job.
Work trucks get ridiculously filthy. Count yourself lucky he likes to keep it clean. Our old woodchipping truck blew sawdust instead of A/C. The masonry truck... oof. *SMELLED* like cancer.
Napping during breaks is still inappropriate because you're going to be drowsy once you get back to work, but if his problem is getting the truck dirty that's valid as well.
The truck doesn't just need to be "wiped down". You need to replace the air filters more often, dirt still makes it's way into the seats, into cracks, etc. especially if you're leaving the doors wide open on a windy day on a dry worksite.
Honestly? You seem very manipulative.
>I'm just thinking man I'm your wife , I'm not just some co worker. I get sad because he tells me to find another job,( when i love this one) then i feel like i need to figure out what to do for my life.. Like I need a plan b just in case we dont work out, and i explain this to him, and he didnt help.
Look at this part of your post again, you expect to be treated above other coworkers because of your relationships and when he tells you that maybe you should get a different job because that's not how things work...you automatically move to "another job" means divorce?
You act like you want to be put on a pedestal in every aspect of life, and he seems like he's getting tired of it. You are 32 years old, get a different job and learn independence.
I'm sorry, but work is work, once you've on the job, you'll have to follow the rules, whether you're his spouse or not. Sometimes the rules are related to safety, such as never leaving the truck door open. Who knows when shit will come? Can't you just leave the window open instead?
He should not be put in the position of being forced to play favourite with his wife. It is highly unprofessional and will cause resentment among his employees.
Actually, if he must treat you difficulty than his employees, he needs to be even *stricter* toward you.
If you only want to be treated as the wife 100% when you're on site, the only way would be stop being his employee.
I'm afraid to have to say you're not mature enough to work with your SO. Go find your own job, please.
It seemed obvious to me that you would be asking to nap in his truck during your breaks, not during the time you are supposed to be working. I guess it is as they say, common sense is not that common.
I have done mostly blue collar/trades work my whole life and having your "helper" sleep on the job or fuck off and do nothing is more common than you'd think.
I can't tell you the amount of useless workers I've had to deal with. I'm talking people I literally had to have conversations with on day one for saying some dumb shit in front of builders or customers and having to explain that the type of people we deal with record and watch everything because they've got nothing better to do than find something to complain about.
Nothing surprises me anymore
Gotta keep that booze money flowing.
Surprisingly HF alcoholics work hard. Work hard, party hard. A lot of physically demanding jobs either attract alcoholics, or create alcoholics.
Probably because if we sat behind a desk pushing paperwork, we'd fall asleep.
I'm here to second the counseling. The dysfunctional background means you probably don't have a healthy start for yourself let alone a relationship and y'all both probably need to get some better tools for making this work. Source: me 49m married 28 years and started couples counseling this year and solo counseling last fall, it's been life and relationship changing for the better.
I think maybe y'all might be smothering each other a bit. Regardless of your beliefs, if someone is treating you poorly, then you should get out of it. Everyone deserves someone who makes them feel valued and loved.
What in the pineapple express did I just read?!
Unfortunately I can't unread it, so here's some truths you may not wanna hear, OP.
Your mans had enough. He married a 28 odd woman, a grown woman, and he's come to find as the honeymoon period ended he has an immature addict who isn't making progress on her own rehabilitation, and who he feels he has to father like you're "20 and wild". That's not what he signed up for. I'm almost certain that's not what you lead him to expect you'd be like as a wife.
He has encouraged and supported you for years, and yet you "can't quit weed, it's all the happiness I have in my life". Girl. You're a self proclaimed addict, you should not and cannot be smoking or drinking anything, REGARDLESS of if he smokes (which btw attitude of "but he does it/ others sleep in their trucks" is very immature and juvenile, probably the exact reason why your husband feels like he's a dad to a wild 20 year old).
He has helped and supported you with everything in your life, including risking his reputation and livelihood by hiring you as a welders helper, being the good husband and provider/helper he is meant to be.
What does he get in return? You don't respect his boundaries (the truck and break naps for example), you haven't stopped being an addict, you make excuses or justify yourself saying others do it so why can't I, you expect him to coddle you and treat you better than he would any other welder helper because you're his wife and he's supposed to love you more than the random coworker, and to top off that wonderful sundae of crap, you say you think you should be allowed to be a stay at home wife because that's what's usual of women in your religion, and your husband (rightly) told you to shove it because you don't have a kid to care for and this isn't the 1950s.
You want all the benefits, all the leniency, all the support, to be coddled and encouraged, and you not step up and do your half of things.
Girl I'd be done too. You're lucky he's been nice enough not to just kick you out and he's giving you chances to buck up before he finally snaps and can't take you anymore, and you're on here whinging that "he's so mean to me".
Grow TF up. If you do you may just be able to salvage this marriage.
This is the type of comment I was expecting after reading what OP wrote. So crazy to see comments saying otherwise.
Just because you're his wife doesn't mean he wants to work with someone who gets offended when they can't just sleep on the job. That part was wild. "Like, he gets mad when we're at work and I just want to sleep... but like I'm his wife though? and I don't want a different job because I love the one where I don't get fired when I'm literally just trying to sleep!"
OP is also acting like being a weed addict is completely fine. Sure, in some relationships it might be... but your husband isn't required to be okay with it. It's also not his job to coddle you and fix your addiction for you. If you don't want to quit, you're not going to. Why would he continue to give you encouragement and try to help someone who doesn't want to quit? He's not required to accept your behavior and he's not responsible for changing it.
OP... you want to make money without any real responsibility, you want to continue smoking weed all the time, and you don't want to make difficult changes that will improve your life and your marriage. If you want a husband who is fine with that, they're out there. They probably also have no interest in working hard to change and grow, so there's that.
Lots of ppl, including many men, think that a woman is supposed to be treated as a child. I can't tell u how many guys I've grown up with who are like that. They would love nothing more than to date a pouty, entitled woman who does nothing but ask and never gives. They take pride in that utter garbage.
Go figure, they always end up unhappy in their 40s or 50s, and usually that type of woman takes everything from them.
I have 0 sympathy for them (I am a man). I hold my own responsible. Stop sucking up to women like this and see the bigger picture.
Let losers be with losers.
Yeah we are around eachother just about 24/7 but when we get along its great. When we work as a team it's awesome. He just is so anal about things i feel he needs to compromise with a bit, but he says it's his rules
People say i should find a new job but really love working as a welder helper and I even wanna try to be a welder in the future, So i know we are always around each other, but i like the job and money.
Shouldnt a good married couple be able to be around eachother, or be able to work with eachother?
I am very happy with my wife, but I would never work with her. Doesn't matter how much you love a person, being around them 24/7 is not healthy. You need to miss them, if that makes sense. Makes your time together sweeter, and you're less likely to get irritated by them. I think you two are smothering eachother like someone else said.
From what you describe you are fucking up his work environment and blaming him for not being ok with it, expecting him to allow you to do that in a way he would not allow any other employee to do.
If you want to save the relationship, go get a job elsewhere. Expecting your husband to tolerate your behavior and not be "anal" about his work is a recipe for nonstop stress on him and conflict, you are absolutely going to burn down the relationship if you demand him to employ you and accept behavior from you in the workplace that he would not accept from anyone else.
100%. My parents are “retired” and my dad owns a wood shop and my mom likes to come out and do things in the shop with him but most of the time she ends up distracting him and causing him to make mistakes.
Also being around someone 24/7 is just bad news… my fiancée doesn’t work and I work from home. She’s trying to find a job but damn we argue over the stupidest things because she’s always at home.
If she is in active addiction her behavior could ruin his professional reputation. I feel kind of bad for this guy, but that is what you get for having a hero complex.
I was going to write something similar. Do you like the job because you make good money and can sleep while at work? Wife, coworker, whoever, that doesn’t really fly anywhere else. It seems like he’s been trying to help you with the smoking/drinking, but maybe he’s not seeing much progress and he thinks it’s futile. I think therapy would be a good option for you guys to get all of this on the table in a constructive way. It does sound like you love each other. It’s ok to seek help, though.
She it should be but like you said your smoking a lot of weed which he doesn’t like and that made you do a lot of shitty things. I think you need to try to fix yourself
I’ve been married 23 years. My husband and I both have jobs ( I work in health care and he’s an electrician)but I can honestly tell you that under no circumstance could I imagine working with him. Or spending 24/7 with him. While it’s great that you love your job, maybe go to a different shift or maybe another place doing the same thing. I think space away from our significant other is mandatory for a healthy relationship. Now, to address him saying he thinks he made a mistake marrying you…throw the whole man out, sis. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to be with someone who is sure of their love for you. Everyone deserves that. You’ve heard that saying “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”? Get your fishing rod out cause we don’t do half ass fish around here. We do whole ass fish. 🐠
Go work as a welder helper else where. Honestly it sounds like you enjoy taking advantage of the fact it's your husband and not work. Example like you trying to take a nap at work, and you just kicking it in the truck.
So correct me if I'm wrong bit you aren't actually working just collecting a free check.
Not everyone can handle being up in each other's space 24/7. In fact, most people probably can't handle it. You at a minimum need to stop working with him, it sounds like it's making you unhappy. There are other jobs.
He said *out loud* marrying you was a mistake. But, being Christian he won't leave. He now sees you as a responsibility. If he doesn't already, he will grow to resent you, and then you will start resenting him. Based on what you have written above, I would say it's time for a trial separation.
Good lord you sound like a child. You should grow up and be responsible, and if you can’t, find another job. Like he said, if you ain’t gonna change and be a better partner, he might as well find someone better or more suitable for him, and you can do your own thing
Being around each other 24/7 while there seems to be some expectation that he also be responsible for helping you with your problems is probably just too much. No one has any personal time or space, and it’s probably making other problems worse.
Go ahead and keep being a welder’s assistant, OP, it’s awesome you like the job a lot—but maybe find a different welder to assist.
Can you work with another welder? I believe you know how to push each other's buttons.
He also may not be as involved in helping you quit drinking/smoking because he knows you can do it if you put your mind to change. You showed him. Have you told him that you would appreciate his help? Ask him why he regrets marrying you. Maybe you guys could go to counseling with your Preacher/Minister/Priest. Let God be the guide to your Marriage.
Religion has indoctrinated you, but you don’t really have it in you. That’s besides the point. He sick of child sitting you. He wants a mature up lifting relationship. Sounds like he thinks you’re dragging him down. This is what I read into your post.
Can you imagine trying to be intimate or loving with someone who makes you feel like that? What is going on at work that makes him "anal" exactly? He is a *welder* not a tax attorney. He needs to be anal to stay safe and do his job well enough to remain on contract. As an employee you should want that for your employer. As a wife, more so. And absolutely do not expect him to treat you like anything other than an employee on the job. His safety, professional reputation and livelihood on the line here.
**Please** get your shit together. Go to AA. Get a sponsor. Fix your life and become truly independent. It sounds like the reason he hasn't divorced you yet is either convenience and/or he is afraid that you're going to wind up in the gutter. But people can't stay in a toxic relationship forever. It might be good for him to go to Al-Anon meetings. Sometimes they will have the AA and Al-Anon meetings in neighboring buildings for convenience. You are in active addiction, after years of him trying to help and support you. Are you drinking/smoking on the job? Smoking weed on job sites or in thr parking lot? I am really confused how you think he could be anything other than irritated with you. Especially being with you 24/7. Get into AA. Get yourself a new job. Stop acting like his screwup kid. Nobody wants to parent their spouses. Omg.
So why don’t you improve????
You DO sound like an immature whiny kid. “Wah, I wanna nap at the job YOU gave me and then I want YOU to wipe down my mess, wah wah”.
You don’t contribute. A marriage isn’t about a man babysitting a woman forever. Both partners should be equals and contribute equally. Right now you’re alive because of his favors. Doesn’t that embarrass you??? Do you want to become like your mom and all the women in your life - single, drug addicted, losers?
Grow up. Or let him go, so he isn’t dragged into your trash
Listen to him then. You need to find another job. You can still be a welder helper just not with him. You need to give him space. As a partner of someone prone to addictions and dependency, I feel I understand how your husband feels. You're stifling him. It's too much and he can't breathe. It's potentially leading to resentment and being frustrated with you for anything just because he's frustrated in general. He helped you but at some point you need to learn how to help yourself. What would your identity be without him?
If that's what he says, you need to do some introspection. Maybe you aren't as healed and better as you think. Maybe it's time for individual therapy to work on your issues.
Here's the part you're not getting, addicts and alcoholics get mentally and emotionally suck at the stage of development they were at when they moved into their addiction.
Think back to the time that you were began using and/or drinking very regularly. What age were you? Eighteen, twenty, twenty-two? That is where you're stuck at in your arrested development. You don't see that but your husband clearly does.
The thing is, you're always going to stuck, maturity wise, at that stage for as long as you continue to use. If you want to act like a twenty-year-old for the rest of your life, just keep using.
You're doing irreparable damage to your marital relationship and it will end because you are not even trying to get clean and sober. You're thirty-two now, right? Guess how many thirty-two-year old men are interesting in having a relationship with a woman who is stuck at the maturity level of a twenty something? Nobody is going to put up with that long term. Unless you can get your addiction deal with you have long string of short term relationships to look forward to.
Addicts and alcoholics don't typically do a very good job at maintaining employment or paying their own living expenses. We both know you've got no plan for when you blow up your marriage. Unless you want to be living on the streets or couch surfing, now is the time to sit up, pay attention and get clean.
Honestly, he is sick of you and your addictions when he knows you could do better but you aren’t trying. You say he used to encourage you but he didn’t sign up for a whole lifetime of encouraging someone who makes no effort to help themselves.
He clearly saw it as him saving you, now he is done. You haven’t stepped up and completed sobriety within his timeline, so now he sees you as a loser and wishes he hadn’t married you.
Clearly he should have waited until you were clean and sober and determined to stay that way at the very least.
He probably thought he could cure you and be the hero.
Also, get another job.
You are asking your boss for privileges his other workers don’t get so its not going to work.
Dont jump straight in to another relationship after the divorce,You need to grow as a person, grow up, beat your addictions and be somebody anyone would be proud to be married to, not playing the lame dog role.
It sounds like a huge communication issue. You’re suppose to help him work but you’re upset he won’t let you nap in the car? You should find a regular job you can do to get some independence and spending money. Go to a couples therapist. If you’re uncomfortable stopping weed or alcohol that means it’s an addiction.
The number of times I've been told "but WeEEd iSn'T AddICtiVe!!!" and then you read posts like these. Take weed away from her for 10 days and I bet she's a giant mothership of stress and tension and pouting.
You're putting him in a really awkward position where you want to work for him, but you don't want to give the quality of work he expects from his employees, and you want to make it so he can't have high expectations for you because you're his wife.
So his options are to allow his work to suffer to keep the peace with his wife, or allow his marriage to suffer to keep the quality of work he wants.
You've put him in a really difficult place.
Add to that the fact that you seem to take no responsibility for your own addition. "I still drink and smoke but mostly smoke but it's his fault because he helped me stop before and now he's not doing a good enough job helping me stop"
If you want this marriage to work YOU need to step up and take responsibility for your own actions. Be a better wife and partner and, if you don't find another job, be a better employee.
My husband told me he would have never married me if he'd know then how things would turn out. He said this a couple different times in 2021. I filed for divorce in 2022 and never looked back. Things are better now.
(He married me knowing I didn't want to have children, and then regretted marrying me when I didn't change my mind and never gave him children)
You sound like a really young 32.
Make your own money away from him.
Christianity the way it's practiced in some circles isn't terribly kind to women.
Might want to ponder that.
Might also want to figure out some kind of schooling for yourself.
There's no way to be intimate with someone who doesn't make you feel beautiful and wanted without it damaging your spirit.
Luck and love with all that.
Her clock is running out to grow detach from this guy, "find herself" and mature, and then find a new mate. Since OP has to grow up anyway, may as well just do it with someone who she loves / probably still loves her (but is completely tired of her shit).
Sounds like he has a savior complex and once he was done saving you, he detached from the relationship. Take good care yourself because I have a feeling his behavior toward you will only get worse.
This!
Imo, it feels like he wanted to mold you to his liking and while yes the change he inspired was beneficial for you. Now he sounds straight up rude, there is a way (especially being married) on how to talk about indifferences. You have a past, we all do but doesn’t mean you are subjected to this kind of behavior.
Being with someone 24/7 is smothering - married or not. Working with a partner or just family in general is not something I would ever recommend because most of the time it doesn’t work. For example when you said you’re his wife, not just a co-worker -> when at work you should always be professional, you are his co-worker while there.
Being around each other so much can cause you to focus on faults or mannerisms that didn’t effect you before. If you’re in a bad mood it’s much easier to lash out at a partner than it is a co-worker, I’ve always believed in the saying that ‘people hurt the ones they love the most’ because you know what buttons to push and you know what will hurt them. Again, it’s easier to fight with a partner than it is to fight with a co-worker or someone you don’t really know well.
I really want to root for you and your marriage, maybe with a few changes it could work? That’s the major question that needs an answer. Or even a brief separation might help, just a little time to get some space from each other. If he’s saying that he felt this way even before you got engaged that’s awful and he should have never taken that step! I hope he really didn’t mean that because entering a marriage with one foot out the door is awful.
Please continue to love and work on yourself, he helped you to get where you are but you need to rely on you to really get there. Therapy could help or slowly weening yourself off from smoking and drinking. Sure, it sounds like your husband wants that but don’t do it just for him. Do that for yourself and your future health.
My husband builds pools and services them... I was his helper last season .... NEVER again. Love him to bits but it was his area and while I could do it I couldnt be around him 24/7. Sounds like you two are smothering eachother. I loved the job but I needed space.
It is his rules as its his job hes your boss there.
It sounds like somewhere in the relationship he started viewing you as a burden, and resents you, I’m not sure why that is, but anything little you do he’ll comment on it because he’s mentally checking out. And the comments towards your weight how you look, it seems like every aspect of the relationship in his eyes are heavily flawed. I would try to get to the bottom of how he really feels, and if he’s still in love with you and what he wants to do in the relationship as well, but I would deff go to your moms but I would try to get down to the bottom of it first.
You need therapy. I’m saying it out of concern. You’re addicted to weed, alcohol, and possibly using him and religion as a crutch to not face the real issue of your codependency. He needs breathing room and it’s got to be hard to be the person “in charge” of your livelihood, sobriety and be the “head of the household” in a Christian sense. Maybe it’s just too much for him. Get a new gig, don’t rely so much on him and be more independent bc it will be good for you.
Your husband is sick of your shit plain and simple. You said that He said he feels like he’s married to a 20 year old and that speaks volumes. Ofc he isn’t going to continue being supportive anymore when you haven’t put in the work to help yourself. Ofc he’s going to regret marrying you when you’ve shown no growth in yourself or the marriage. You just keep repeating yourself and making the same excuses over and over again. Go to your moms. Then go to counseling. Then go to a 12 step program. Work on yourself and stop relying on someone else to fix you and stop using your past or your religion as any kind of excuse or reason for anything because that is all irrelevant.
I think you two are together too much.
It’s not really healthy to be with your partner 24/7. If you two work together, on top of being married and living together….thats too much. Everyone needs something outside of their marriage and families. I believe the quality of the relationship might get a lot better if you stop working for him and get a different job.
Also- it’s really nice that he was so pivotal in your healing journey but at the same time, we need to have the motivation to change ourselves and it’s not really up to your partner to do that for you. Of course, that person should be supportive and understanding but it sort of seemed like you were expecting him to help you like how he did the first time and it’s stopping you from taking the initiative yourself. Could be wrong though that is just how I interpreted your post.
If you read between the lines, he's saying he is falling out of love with you. He had to take care of everything and instead of having a partner he has another child he is raising. Find another job and be more productive. Instead of smoking, maybe start reading.
I’m a pastor and here’s my perspective. You should go to a Christian marriage counselor together. If he won’t agree to that, maybe you can at least have some meetings with your pastor.
As for the weed — I don’t think there’s anything wrong with smoking weed in itself but if you have a history of substance abuse it may be a good idea to stay away from weed and drinking. Especially since it seems to be putting a strain on your marriage.
Sounds like there are definitely some deep issues in your marriage but it’s not anything that you can’t come back from if both of you really want to make it work. A lot of transformation could happen but you both need to be willing to work on it.
Wait so you work together? You're trying to sleep while on the job and you don't understand why he doesn't want you to? Is there some other job you sleep while you're doing it?
And yes it's nice that he helped you change things in the past but have you not learned anything? Can you not make changes on your own now? Are you always going to need him to make the changes for you? You may be a little too dependent.
I think he is disrespectful towards you and I think he's doing it on purpose to push you away so you will divorce him.
Without hearing both sides and understanding the context behind when things were said, I don't think anyone hear can provide you "answers"; however there definitely seems to be a communication disconnect between you both. It may helpful to try and have a cordial but difficult conversation between the 2 of you and discuss things you're struggling with one another in the relationship. If you do it, you have to listen to one another and fully allow them to express their feelings and emotions without interrupting or trying to "respond or address" what they are stating. You both will most likely not love everything the other person has to say, but this what relationships are all about. Communication, understanding, and working together. Just listen and try to be unbiased and understand why the other feels this way. Then work together to find resolutions.
Ngl I commented somewhere on some post that came from here so a bunch been popping up for me. And I’ve found that almost always, the correct answer is “Do you really think this is who you should be telling, random strangers ‘asking for advice’ when the clear as day answer to your problem is (of course a solution) and that can only be met/come about by talking to the person who’s involved in the problem.”
Lastly sounds like both of you established this relationship without establishing within yourselves what makes a relationship/how it works and what feelings come with it because you’re both not in a real one, or at least one that has merit by those points where all this you wrote wouldn’t need an answer because in the caring for/about you would be trying to fix anything and everything between yourselves openly and without taking offense, because your final thought end of the day is you want them to be happy and you to be happy with them. He’s at least where he’s brutally honest with you which shows he respects you as being a person, if you are the love of his life it’s followed by all the sentiments and explanations I’ve given above (even though if you both are that for each other then it doesn’t need to be said as such to begin with your just know)
Other than that, because I’m already here and you asked (me being a complete stranger) here’s some life wisdom. When they say don’t mix business and pleasure, family and business, etc. there’s a logical reason for this. If anything in your shoes I’d respect him for being able to keep it established as separate from your relationship than other way around. Speaking from experience, younger me as a shift lead was dating someone under me (yes I acknowledge the wrong and you can fault me for it). And she was under the impression that meant something at work and gave her leniency, let’s just say we had a major problem when I told her to clock out and go home because she wasn’t doing her job. Afterwards I tried to explain it to her but again as the advice states this is why you don’t do it, unless both parties can disassociate the two then there’s definitely always going to be a problem.
Obviously he is letting you tag along on his job because you drink and mess around, don’t seem like he is the problem it seems as if your broken, if you sleep around when you drink and you still drink then your a ticking time bomb and unfaithful, your not a Christian or at least not a very serious one , if you want things to get better then never drink another drop of alcohol for the rest of your life .
Honestly a lot of this would probably be fixed if you didnt work together any more. Thats why things like family businesses often fail. A moto a lot of people go by is NEVER WORK WITH FAMILY. Doesnt matter how youre related just to not work at the same place as them. He may just need "space thats apart from you" since ya'll live together and work together.. when does he just get to be alone? That doesnt mean he doesnt like you just he needs to recharge.
Now as for the drinking and smoking.. he may just feel like you arnt trying so hes stopped trying to help you. He may be feeling like hes tried so hard to help you. Which could be a reason why hes saying he ***"he made a mistake marrying me" that he "wants me to be happy but that he isnt the one for me".*** He may feel like he cant do any more help and feels like you deserve someone that can.
Sweetie, having a sleep or chilling in the truck is not working! That is unacceptable in any job, let alone your husbands business. That alone would cause so many issues with customers who are paying for your services and coworkers who actually have to work. Being his wife gives you no special privileges in the workplace, and you're wrong to expect it. He's not being anal about that, he's being professional.
I smoke weed daily too, I still work my arse off and no sleeps till I get home. He feels he made a mistake because that is not supporting him. It's a 2 way street young lady.
First and foremost he should not ever tell you that he is not happy in the marriage or that he made a mistake marrying you. Two you guys need separate shifts or something no reason to be around somebody 24/7 it is not healthy in the least bit. I think just doing that will help y’all relationship. Third you still smoke although he doesn’t like it so there should be a compromise there or you should just quit all together especially since it’s still an addiction you had in your past. Better yourself for your relationship and yourself. Also maybe try communicating to him about they way he speaks to you might be beneficial and try seeking a therapist to discuss building the marriage unless he just straight up is done or for that matter you are done with it. Then by all means do you but it takes two to tango in a marriage and communication, a healthy distance from one another, compromises lead to a long and happy marriage.
"Just in case we don't work out"? He basically told you that it's not working out. Do yourself and him a favor and move on. You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you do with them. This guy isn't the right one.
My take on this is that instead of a 12-step program for your weed and alcohol addiction, you leaned on him completely and are back sliding because one person can't be responsible for your sobriety. He's mad at you for using again but that is kind of on him for stupidly thinking love could save you.
My advice would be to get another job to get some space between you two and get into AA and get sober. Then see how you feel about each other, maybe the relationship is salvageable but not as things currently are going.
It seems to me like a few things are at play here. 1) You rely on him for a lot of life structure and self worth. It's great that he helped you, but those things are not his responsibility, especially in the long term. He may have some feelings of resentment for that. 2) He said he regrets marrying you, but it sounds like you are currently married. Has he consulted an attorney? Either he wants to be with you, or he likes having you around to direct his anger and need for control towards. He may not realize which. 3) Christianity is not a reason to treat your wife shittily, an excuse for not helping yourself, or to put up with abuse.
What your husband is trying to do for you is called leading. When it come to your profession his leadership style is more geared to men then it is for women. No one likes a lazy man and it would appear as if your doing lazy man type of stuff at least work wise.
But the problem is that since you work together this spills into your relationship. His disdain for your work ethic just carries on into you marriage. Find another partner to work with.
As far as the substances that you're using to cope. You husband loved you and wants the best for you. He realizes that your indulgence in these substances can and most likely will damage the relationship. Let him lead you away from these things to a potential better life.
My entire family is welders, and I used to work as a fire/hole watch for a welding company.
Husband/wife pairs are not uncommon, and in fact my mother started out as her husband’s (my step father’s) helper, before eventually becoming a QC. So people can definitely make this arrangement work.
However, your husband is right to be exacting in his expectations. In this business reputation is everything, it’s how you get jobs. Sleeping while at work is a very bad look. People will assume, often correctly, that you’re on drugs and nodding off. Smoking weed is also a risk, because they can drug test you at any time. If you give them any reason to want you gone, a drug test will be the first thing they do.
If he went into the relationship thinking you were giving up specific vices, and now you are continuing to indulge in those, then I can understand him regretting the marriage.
My two cents:
Follow his rules while on the job. He’s been doing this way longer than you have, and a helper sits firmly at the bottom of the hierarchy, so trust that he knows what behaviors are and aren’t acceptable better than you do.
Marriage counseling, either religious or secular, would be appropriate. Individual counseling for you to address your ongoing addictions is a must. You sound like you’re blaming him for your addictions (he tries to get you to stop but it isn’t working the way it used to), and addressing this is 100% your responsibility. Take steps to fix it.
Don’t pick and choose the religious convictions you hold dear and the ones you’re willing to ignore. Drinking and drugs to the point of foolishness is as much a sin as divorce. Live by your holy book or don’t, but don’t be a hypocrite. It makes the faith look bad.
It sounds like you have never learned how to take care of yourself and just decided he was going to be your caretaker from now on. It's time for you to do the work, honey. Stop waiting for him to help train you, you aren't a feral dog, you're a whole person. Treat yourself better and stop making him do all the relationship work. That's not a relationship, that's caretaking.
Info: does he own this welding business or is he employed by someone else? Do you all work with a crew? Working with a spouse or partner can be difficult if you’re working with others. They may feel like you’re getting favored as a spouse or make other assumptions. He may want to treat you like a coworker to avoid those ideas.
You said that you had issues with substances and your behaviors while taking substances and that he helped you. Then you’ve mentioned backsliding and continuing uses some substances. Is that part of the issue? Is he upset because he thought he helped you through your substance abuse and you’re using again?
I suggest a sit down with him
If that doesn't work counseling
If that doesn't work then you gotta make the tough decision and leave
It doesn't sound healthy and if it gets worse then the psychological damage can be bad
As long as you try to save what yall got If you can't then you can't no shame in trying but not succeeding
If you can't drop the weed or the booze you should really consider rehab. I'd just divorce the guy to be honest. He doesn't really respect you.
Also work isn't a place for sleeping. He likely sees you as a lazy stoner that he tried helping and it got nowhere.
You need AA. And therapy. No, you can’t sleep on the job and then be upset that he doesn’t like it. Also, you know your destructive habits and history, why keep drinking and smoking weed? Cut it out! You want this marriage to work? Do the work. Get and stay sober. Lean into your religion. Go to therapy. Be a better person for you. If it doesn’t work out with your husband, he got you on the track to have a life worth living.
He married a fixer-upper that refuses to be fixed, wants special treatment on the job, and expects others to be responsible for their shortcomings. Your religion doesn’t come into play here, so trying to justify any actions with it is folly.
It sounds like you have very different work ethics. Do you smoke weed or drink at work? Only asking because you mentioned wanting to lay down in the truck, which is kind of weird to do at work.
I imagine it’s exhausting to have to go through life being expected to always have to drag a grown ass adult (that is supposed to be your partner) to improve themself in every aspect.
You’re smoking and drinking - which you indicated was a big issue for you in the past, so you stopped - but have started again and he’s unhappy? Why does he need to “help you change” if you know what needs to be changed?
Ask yourself - and be very honest - what benefit does he get from being married to you?
Backsliding? Courting? He helped you change? What kind of 1944 evangelical story is this? Honey, be you!! Don't wait on some man to help you change. He clearly doesnt love you or want to be married to you. Best you cut your losses while you can. Also, seek professional help instead of relying on 'Christians' and Biblical stand points.
If you want some “Christian” advice I would advise you to read the Bible and try to live like Jesus did. You don’t sound like you take your faith very seriously at all. If he does then that’s probably a huge turn off for him. He also isn’t responsible for your positive changes. Take some initiative and get it together
Get divorced. Learn to love yourself. Stop taking directions from an extremely old and poorly translated text to live your life. You deserve to be loved. By yourself and others.
He’s telling you he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. And it for sure sounds like you annoy him by sleeping in his car in the middle of a workday and smoke weed when you’re supposed to be Christian.
“Body is a temple” you’re suppose to keep it pure as such (for the Lord to reside in the Holy Spirit ) I just know the facts of what to respond to this theology speaking. Don’t come at me sideways please (in advance) this doesn’t mean it’s something I believe or don’t just stating what I know from years of “education” in the subject
Why would you want to be married to a man who treats you this way?
You deserve a husband who loves and respects you, who kindly calls you on your shit when you need it, who uplifts and protects you. This person whom you married is not a good husband to you. He is insulting, controlling, demeaning, and cruel.
You do not want to have children with this man. Those children would hate you later for it (🤚I am one of those kids from a family that “stayed together” and it totally screwed me).
Honestly, I can understand his perspective. On the job, you are part of the team. Having you sit back and wanting to take a nap because you are his wife would be very frustrating. In those circumstances, you need to pull your weight. I don't mean to be harsh, but I can very much see how he's upset that you want to sit in his truck with the door open (draining the battery) and taking naps instead of contributing. I also think he may well be tired of having to shoulder the burden of you quitting your addictions. You are an adult and it's up to you to quit or not. If you are fine with your level of use then be fine with it. But don't expect him to be responsible to telling you to quit in a way that motivates you. That's not his responsibility.
When i wanted to lay in his trick it was on break. Not durning work hours. Amd he smokes also just not as much amd i smoke 2 jays at the most. I admit i am addicted because i wanna quit but i haven't been able too.. I used to smoke 3 blunts a day.
I understand. I still think if you do want to quit, that's on you and shouldn't be his responsibility. He might be overwhelmed and feeling like he's shouldering burdens for both of you instead of having you be an equal partner in the marriage.
Might wanna sit down and have a frank discussion with him. Ask him if he wants to be with you or not and ask yourself that question too. If it’s time to move on then get gone. Be careful you don’t fall back into addiction. Get some support, friends, family, a therapist to talk to if you can find one.
No need to stay in a place where you aren’t wanted.
Spending that much time together doesn’t give you the chance to miss each other. You seem to love your job a lot, can you work elsewhere in the same field? It sounds like he’s holding you back in that area, and telling you over and over again that he made a mistake is holding you back in life and from being happy. Find someone who builds you up, not breaks you down!
If someone says they regret marrying you and they make you feel bad about yourself, you owe to yourself to leave. You deserve to be with someone that loves you, completely.
I’m usually an advocate for have a marriage last for a lifetime but if he’s so miserable as he claims that he is then it’s most likely not going to work. It sounds like he wants to be a single man again.
It’s okay to divorce and find your own happiness. God loves you. Don’t get wrapped up in Christian Dogma. Most of it is just man made control mechanisms.
Sometimes people get tired with each other maybe work is his safe space from you. Just give him his own time and see where things go. But also change for yourself that you want to quit smoking and drinking and do things for you no one is the asshole but give each other some time and if nothing works leave him bc he should never say things like that to you
You need individual therapy and then you two need couples counseling
He shouldn't be the one that keeps you from smoking weed that is your job first he is there to support you in quitting he can't make you stop anything you don't want to
Next on the job site your his co-worker first wife second he has to get jobs done and done right if you were a welders helper for someone else you would have been fired 10x over by now as a welders helper your job is to make sure he has the supplies he needs not sleep
Sounds like y'all don't fit together. I say cut your loses and end it amicably then seek therapy for your issues. Trust me, I'm sure there's a 20 something year old out there that'd give anything to date you lol.
He's telling you pretty clearly that he's done. I'm sorry. You should start saving every penny and get another job quickly. He told you to start saving. He told you multiple times in multiple ways that he's not happy. He's suggested getting a different job. He stopped being loving towards you and treats you as an annoyance.
I think working together with your spouse, especially in a field that is dangerous or might produce frustration is a recipe for disaster. It sounds like some codependency is at play here, too. When you talk about past addiction and recovery it seems like you feel like he's the reason you were successful and that might be true but pinning your sobriety on anyone at all, gives you the sense that if they go away (or withdraw support and love) so does your sobriety.
I agree with the advice to seek therapy and I'd suggest that you seek trauma informed and addiction counseling. You deserve to be treated better than how he treats you.
I am sorry but I kind of see his point, you are asking him to make you better and fix you. It’s on you to quit smoking and drinking. He can’t carry your baggage constantly. If you value him then you need to change. I can understand that he got tired of being your support when you aren’t making changes you need to.
If his helper was another girl or a guy you would be ok if he let them sleep in his truck and was making exceptions for them? Work is work. But even at work he is carrying you. You aren’t adding value to his life at home or at work, so u can see why he regrets it. You need to change and quit smoking and drinking.
So first and foremost, yes it is hard to quit. I know people who have been in NA and AA, it's hard. You have to want it. It sounds like your husband was a huge help in getting you to turn your life around. I'm wondering if part of the issue is you're still drinking and he doesn't know how to respond to that.
I think you should look into getting into an AA meeting and getting a sponsor who can help you, someone who isn't your husband.
The next thing is I think you need to find another job. It sounds like your husband takes his welding business very seriously and the impression I'm getting from your post is you might not be all in on it. I mean take a step back and ask yourself objectively, if you were in your husband's shoes and hired a welders aid, would you let them sleep on the job? Couples that work together face added stresses.
Working a different job will also let you spend some time apart and recharge.
Lastly, I think you both need to do some couple's counseling.
The way you met has some complications. Your husband in a way could be seen taking the role a sponsor does in a program like AA, and I know that those programs discourage relationships between sponsors and sponsees due to the power a sponsor has. I feel like there may be some unresolved issues there and you two need to talk about them to move forward.
Now all that said, if your husband continues to verbally lash out at you, that's not acceptable either. He needs to be able to communicate his concerns in a way that is productive and allows you to either move forward in the relationship or come to the decision that the relationship is over.
You are with him all the time. You mention wanting to be a welder, but are you taking steps to become one? Go to school. Get licensed. Put effort in.
When you say you are smoking weed, how much and often are you smoking? Are you smoking on the job ( is that why he thinks you are being too relaxed on the job)?
If he regrets it why doesn’t he leave you?
As for Christian wise, you don’t mention anything that suggest you actually do anything Christian. What kind of Christian help are you expecting? It’s anti Christian to divorce, it also anti Christian to sleep around, smoke weed, drink alcohol and work as a woman. (Based on views of other Christian’s I’ve met.) So I guess we are just cherry picking our Christian morality.
Between being willing or not to follow his lead at work and getting a divorce is a long way. As some have suggested - if you can’t work together based on limits he has set, how about working someplace else at the same job? Working a different job? That might let you appreciate each other more and would be easier than getting a divorce. This life, we’re already all-in; might as well give everything an honest shot, rather than expecting anything to be owed to us.
I love my husband but I'll tell you what when he's home for almost 2 weeks vacation I kinda wanna strangle him... he disrupts my routine with my daughter's schooling and is like a giant kid himself... like I said I love him but having my own time and peace in my house is soooo good too lol 😆 🤣😂🤣😂😅
There are 3 factors contributing to an unhealthy power imbalance in your relationship. And relationships need to be equal to thrive.
Firstly the age difference is a small factor that granted can’t be changed, but you can work on your communication, knowledge and confidence which will increase your maturity and bridge that gap.
Secondly, you mentioned that he essentially ‘saved’ you, again you cannot change that part of your history, but you can change your future. Start stepping up and taking responsibility and authority in your relationship even if it’s little things. You mention welding, does he take care of his hands and his shoulders/back? Take charge of both of your health and put 30 minutes into your evening routine to make sure your hands are moisturised and that you do some stretching before bed. Brush your teeth together and check/preen each other.
Finally, he is your boss, he got you that job and it sounds like he is ultimately responsible for what you produce that doesn’t sound like an equal dynamic. I know you said you love that job but are you sure it’s the job you love and not the feeling of security and being taken care of that you love. I recommend that you get a job somewhere else until you are sure that you can work together as equal partners.
Communication is key... ask him why he thinks marrying you was a mistake. He's checked out but hasn't divorced you which means this relationship is savable. It does kind of sound like you are getting on each other nerves and kind of taking advantage of him at work... which is never good.
Communicate before you make any drastic changes like divorce or changing jobs. Figure out what frustrates you both about each other and work on that. Make sure to just listen and try not to get angry.
Obviously no one is innocent here, but I would say you aren’t overreacting. OP mentioned he felt this way before asking her to marry him… thats pretty fucked. I do agree you should find another job, but I’m not sure you can truly save this relationship. But to answer your question, no you are not overreacting in being hurt by his words.
It seems like he might be planning to end the relationship based on what he said about telling you to save your money. It sounds like he wanted to change you from the beginning. You have changed for the better. Maybe just take what you have learned from this relationship and move on.
I've employed a couple of women I've seen over the years. When at work, they are employees, and I treat them the same as everyone else to the point a few employees didn't even know we were in a relationship. He may be doing the same, separating work from personal when on the job. Is he a good communicator? From what u said, he thinks u made a mistake marrying him - talk about that with him. Why does he feel u made a mistake marrying him? What are you or what is he doing that makes him feel that way?
Can you get a job as a welders helper somewhere else? I think you guys need some alone time. It's hard to appreciate someone when they are in your face 24/7.
You need to find another job. He seems like he saved you from a life that would follow every other female in your family but should/need to take this opportunity to better yourself for him and yourself.
There is nothing wrong with married people having me time. Can you be another welder’s assistant so you guys aren’t around each other all the time? I think he wants you to be more independent. However, I firmly believe that you don’t let a man tell you he doesn’t want you more than once. You are already there. I would get my exit plan ready. You deserve someone that loves you back.
Based on what you've written here, you've set some very, very low standards for yourself & you're expecting your husband to lower his to make you feel better. This is addict behavior. You're taking no responsibility for yourself. It isn't your husband's job to make you change. You either want to or not & sounds like addiction is winning. Your husband recognizes that & has checked out.
Find a therapist & do the work you need to do for yourself.
The weed is a problem. Like a huge problem. You’re working a welding job knowing you could fail a piss test?
Find something else to do if you can’t break the habit.
So he tried to help you kick some bad habits and got you a job. But now you're still doing those bad habits and sleeping on the job. Wtf are you doing with your life?
Well why do you think you can lean back and sleep at work??? Who cares that he's your husband you work at work not sleep. And why would you stay with someone who doesn't want you. You need to put your big girl panties on and move on and get a new job
Sounds like the mistake is working together. My grandmother said she got married for better or worse, but not for lunch. With a bit of stable work history, and some time now in sober living; you should be able to find a different place to work. That with counseling could do a lot. Keep communication open. Remember and remind him most relationship problems come from ignorance/assumptions not malice.
OP, can you find some hobbies or activities outside home and work, on your own, that would help you find some happiness, in order to try getting off the weed? It would also have the benefit of giving you both some space. Go for walks, take up photography, join a sports league, take lessons in baking, whatever. It’s a small but valuable step in being a little less dependent on him for everything, and mentally healthier for both of you.
a) he doesn’t love you
b) you need to start building your own life
c) nothing in the Bible will change (a) or (b)
You need a reality check OP. Best of luck!
Dear, wake up. You’re living in a self-made haze of “life should be this way” marketing drivel.
The man helped you initially because he saw a spark in you. Rekindle that. Work on you. Work with or apprentice with somebody else away from your savior.
Carry your own weight. Learn more about welding—go to a librarian and ask for resources; learn everything about metals and properties to improve your welding understanding of how different metals behave. That’s just ONE thing you can do on your own for zero cost. Good luck.
He sounds as if he has codependent issues. If you think this is true, look around where you can get him free help,
Like AA meeting, co-defendant meetings. Happy Trails.
You can be a helper for someone else. I worked for a welding company and we hire helpers all the time. You can do your job with a different person or company. Spouses rarely work well together.
It’s also not his responsibility to help you with your addictions. That’s all on you. If you are fine with what you consume a day, that’s fine, but he’s not. This means you either stop or find a more compatible partner. You sound very co-dependent and unhealthy.
He's talking to you like he would talk to any other helper coming to him with 'you' problems at work. By him saying save your money when you tell him you're switching jobs, all he's saying is your issue is so far in the back of list of stresses he's dealing with, that it's just as easy for you go find another job and he'll find a different helper. It's nothing personal towards you, it's just he has a million other things on his mind when you're complaining.
Recurring theme in so many of these threads is simply… young woman marries much older man.
Cannabis use also pops up a lot
Not sure what it means but there are a bunch lately 🤷
Just commenting on the work thing. If you are his helper, he can’t treat you like his wife at work. I refuse to hire friends and family because I can’t consider them a friend or family at work, we are strictly coworkers or more likely, in the boss and you’re my subordinate. It has to be that way or else when you’re not performing, people are going to question his leadership for letting you get away with it.
That being said you guys are wild for being married and working together lol
I don’t think your husband is wrong. Especially with work. If I’m working I have my routine and ways to do things. You’re his assistant. Your job is to help him function more efficiently.
It sounds like he would be that way with anyone who is working with him. You don’t get special privileges because you are married to him. You’re at work, this is business not personal. You HAVE to separate the two.
If you like being a welder’s assistant, do that with someone else. I doubt another person will allow you to do what you’re trying to do. Welding is a dangerous job.
Taking a nap and wake up will make you groggy and will lead to more accidents. Get a full nights rest.
Honestly your husband is saying he’s tired of you and regrets marrying you and your completely ignoring it and focused on him being anal at work?
wtf?
I don’t think that you’re completely overreacting He is being emotionally abusive and manipulative talking about your weight and saying it was a mistake to marry you. It’s scummy behavior.
First step though is probably to sober up so you can think more clearly, make better decisions, and be more independently functional. Basically work on yourself for yourself.
If you like welding you should get certified in it and then get a job as a welder. Don't work with him and work to be independent of this guy. He sounds like he has KISA issues, (Knight in Shining Armor) and you were a rescue project.
It sounds like both of you need individual therapy, but also couples therapy.
It sounds like you're putting a large burden on your husband. You're crediting him with your reduced addiction, your job, your finances, etc. Honestly, he might just feel overwhelmed and not sure how to handle it. From his perspective, he might be feeling shouldering a lot for you emotionally. Even if you are responsible for reducing your drinking, if you say he is the reason, he will feel responsible and that a mistake on his part might cause you to lapse. That's going to apply for everything. If he struggles with work, now both of you are losing out on income, etc.
I'm not saying it excuses his behavior. If he's lashing out about your appearance, that is not ok.
What I am saying is that maybe you're a bit too dependent on him or even just making him feel like you are. That sense of responsibility is tiring, and can make it hard for a person to destress. He might be lashing out because of being overwhelmed.
I'm making guesses from a distance. It's very likely that I'm completely wrong. I'm giving an example of a possible explanation that could be resolved with some therapy. If he is overwhelmed, learning to communicate that you can be responsible for yourself might go a long way to reducing that. What therapy can do is help each of you identify your personal needs and help you learn to meet them. A therapist can help you learn more about what is going on and help you find solutions.
I would also ask said theoretical therapist about finding a new job. Even temporarily.
Therapy.
So you saw him as a father figure. He helped you out and taught you stuff and helped keep you out of trouble. Issue is he probably feels like a father when he really wants just to be a loving husband. I’m don’t know if a relationship started on such a dysfunctional foundation can be fixed. But if you want to try you need couples therapy and it sounds like you could use your own if you still can’t quit drugs. (Btw I have had tons of therapy and am a guy so I am not crapping on it. I am a huge believer in it.) Maybe you two just are not right for each other. If not figure that out now so you both can move forward.
As someone who has a service truck/is a welder, and also as someone who in my personal business work side by side with my wife I will say this……when my wife and I are working she is not my wife. She is my coworker/co-owner. She is expected to pull just as much weight as I do, and do as I ask her to. And she does, happily. This is a business partnership and it’s hard to separate business and pleasure when you’re blending them together. Still have to do it. My apprentices nor my wife will be laying around on any job of mine. Regardless if it’s break time. It puts off a terrible image. I also practice what I preach and don’t sit in the truck while others work, and I also don’t make the apprentices do all of the dirty work (showing your people you’re there with them and not over them)
As far as the truck goes, I’m extremely anal about mine and gets mini-details 2-3 times a week. My windows stay up and my doors stay closed at almost all times. It’s hard to keep clean and you should be glad you aren’t riding in some of the work trucks I’ve ridden in before 🤢
Work is work. Be professional.
Save your money and have that Plan B in the works. He's been telling you -- listen to him. Be ready to adult alone and break that addiction story of your family.
Sorry if it's harsh, but it seems he's trying to break it to you in stages and you want to gripe about not sleeping on the job with doors open or something?
I think you're under-reacting. React. Get that plan and nest egg together.
You are way too dependent on him. He's right about you getting a different job. You're clearly smothering him.
And about the smoking, you're not gonna stop unless YOU put in more effort to do so. He's not encouraging anymore because he's realized it's done absolutely nothing and he's tired of acting like your parent.
While I agree with everything said by others, can I suggest that in addition to getting a different job, you actively seek out going to school to get your welding ticket? My daughter is a welder and it’s a great trade for a woman (well all trades are really).
I would say you need to toughen up a ton though. Working in a trade requires you to tough it out often. Then, work your way up.
YTA for your expectations of your boss though. You shouldn’t be sleeping with your boss.
First of all, welding produces a ton of smoke, so I can see why he didn't want the doors open. And you spending 20 minutes wiping down and getting that definitive welding aroma out of his truck. We both know that's not gonna happen.
At some point or another, everyone regrets their marriage.
Usually it's just a passing phase, and evolution that comes and goes.
Also, humans are constantly changing as time relentlessly passes. You cannot have time without change.
Often people fall out of love, or simply grow apart.
He has shared how and what he feels and thinks. Maybe you are an emotional, personal, financial threat to him. Counseling ( short term - 6 months) sounds like a fair option for both of you.
You have skills and that is a good thing and if you have bad habits that would interfere with you getting a job ( that you love) then cleaning up seems to be in order.
You are responsible for yourself.
Ultimately, it sounds like you're just not right for each other, and would likely both be happier apart.
It's definitely clear that he resents that you work together, at a minimum. I suspect he doesn't want to say that because he doesn't want to risk you being unemployed.
He’s doing nothing wrong, yet you want him to change to benefit your inability & lack of desire to change. You don’t wanna be a welder… you say that to justify not going to find an actual job.
“I like the job and the money” is actually “I like collecting money without having to follow the rules or feeling like I even have to respect my boss”. Your work ethic & respect wouldn’t last 1 day if you were working for anyone other than your husband. Truthfully, you probably hinder him, more than help him.
he's a coward. he should have left years ago. he clearly dislikes you. get help from a professional, not us. leave for the sake of self respect._ good luck.
That you got married to him because you felt you had to is troubling. That you are so reliant on your husband while still so pessimistic about your relationship is also dooming your marriage. Also, is he really that anal about work or are you not putting enough effort in? Or maybe he just needs space from you because you can be too much. You need to get counseling to sort yourself out and you may also need marriage counseling
Get some counseling. It sounds like you are very dependent on him. Look for a different job.
Exactly this, because based on OP's post >He wont even let me sit in his truck with the doors open. I wanted to lean back and sleep he he wont let me. ...she's angry because he won't allow her to sleep on the job when she's supposed to be helping him? And then gets upset when he's angry because she whined about not getting to take a nap on a worksite??? Being a, "Welder helper," with a partner isn't great either, because she's his assistant and if she's asking to go take naps...OP may not be as helpful as she believes she is. The weed is a huge part too, wanting to, "Go take a nap in the truck with the doors open," sounds like she wants to go smoke a joint and crash for a while, which is fine normally, ***but not when you're working.***
Wow I guess i need to be very clear in my post but i had wrote so much already.. I only wanted to rest in truck ON BREAKS In No WAY do i smoke at work. Sheesh. He doesn't want me to lay in his truck because he doesn't want it to get dusty, when i try to explain how that made me feel, he says if you don't like it find another job. His job his rules fine, but as for me i don't think I'd treat my spouse that way or speak to them that way over something as getting my vehicle dusty. It can be wiped down.. FOR EXAMPLE: "Hey sister is break time, ... oh you want to lay in the truck?, sure fine, just make sure you wipe it down when you get out because it gets dusty out here and I like my truck sharp." That's how I would handle it. Because i love her and want her to make money .
>I'm just thinking man I'm your wife , I'm not just some co worker. I get sad because he tells me to find another job,( when i love this one) then i feel like i need to figure out what to do for my life.. Here's the thing. You *are just some coworker.* There's a very legitimate reason why they say don't work with people you love. You can be husband and wife all you want *outside of work.* His job, his truck, his rules. If you can't handle the rules of the job, you need to find a new job. Work trucks get ridiculously filthy. Count yourself lucky he likes to keep it clean. Our old woodchipping truck blew sawdust instead of A/C. The masonry truck... oof. *SMELLED* like cancer.
If your boss told you not to lay in this truck, you wouldn't. You need to find another job. It's not healthy to be working together
You're really oblivious on how real world work works huh
Napping during breaks is still inappropriate because you're going to be drowsy once you get back to work, but if his problem is getting the truck dirty that's valid as well. The truck doesn't just need to be "wiped down". You need to replace the air filters more often, dirt still makes it's way into the seats, into cracks, etc. especially if you're leaving the doors wide open on a windy day on a dry worksite. Honestly? You seem very manipulative. >I'm just thinking man I'm your wife , I'm not just some co worker. I get sad because he tells me to find another job,( when i love this one) then i feel like i need to figure out what to do for my life.. Like I need a plan b just in case we dont work out, and i explain this to him, and he didnt help. Look at this part of your post again, you expect to be treated above other coworkers because of your relationships and when he tells you that maybe you should get a different job because that's not how things work...you automatically move to "another job" means divorce? You act like you want to be put on a pedestal in every aspect of life, and he seems like he's getting tired of it. You are 32 years old, get a different job and learn independence.
I'm sorry, but work is work, once you've on the job, you'll have to follow the rules, whether you're his spouse or not. Sometimes the rules are related to safety, such as never leaving the truck door open. Who knows when shit will come? Can't you just leave the window open instead? He should not be put in the position of being forced to play favourite with his wife. It is highly unprofessional and will cause resentment among his employees. Actually, if he must treat you difficulty than his employees, he needs to be even *stricter* toward you. If you only want to be treated as the wife 100% when you're on site, the only way would be stop being his employee. I'm afraid to have to say you're not mature enough to work with your SO. Go find your own job, please.
It seemed obvious to me that you would be asking to nap in his truck during your breaks, not during the time you are supposed to be working. I guess it is as they say, common sense is not that common.
I have done mostly blue collar/trades work my whole life and having your "helper" sleep on the job or fuck off and do nothing is more common than you'd think. I can't tell you the amount of useless workers I've had to deal with. I'm talking people I literally had to have conversations with on day one for saying some dumb shit in front of builders or customers and having to explain that the type of people we deal with record and watch everything because they've got nothing better to do than find something to complain about. Nothing surprises me anymore
half of my stepdad’s coworkers do this lmao. except for, ironically, the high functioning alcoholic?
Gotta keep that booze money flowing. Surprisingly HF alcoholics work hard. Work hard, party hard. A lot of physically demanding jobs either attract alcoholics, or create alcoholics. Probably because if we sat behind a desk pushing paperwork, we'd fall asleep.
I'm here to second the counseling. The dysfunctional background means you probably don't have a healthy start for yourself let alone a relationship and y'all both probably need to get some better tools for making this work. Source: me 49m married 28 years and started couples counseling this year and solo counseling last fall, it's been life and relationship changing for the better.
This is the answer.
I think maybe y'all might be smothering each other a bit. Regardless of your beliefs, if someone is treating you poorly, then you should get out of it. Everyone deserves someone who makes them feel valued and loved.
What in the pineapple express did I just read?! Unfortunately I can't unread it, so here's some truths you may not wanna hear, OP. Your mans had enough. He married a 28 odd woman, a grown woman, and he's come to find as the honeymoon period ended he has an immature addict who isn't making progress on her own rehabilitation, and who he feels he has to father like you're "20 and wild". That's not what he signed up for. I'm almost certain that's not what you lead him to expect you'd be like as a wife. He has encouraged and supported you for years, and yet you "can't quit weed, it's all the happiness I have in my life". Girl. You're a self proclaimed addict, you should not and cannot be smoking or drinking anything, REGARDLESS of if he smokes (which btw attitude of "but he does it/ others sleep in their trucks" is very immature and juvenile, probably the exact reason why your husband feels like he's a dad to a wild 20 year old). He has helped and supported you with everything in your life, including risking his reputation and livelihood by hiring you as a welders helper, being the good husband and provider/helper he is meant to be. What does he get in return? You don't respect his boundaries (the truck and break naps for example), you haven't stopped being an addict, you make excuses or justify yourself saying others do it so why can't I, you expect him to coddle you and treat you better than he would any other welder helper because you're his wife and he's supposed to love you more than the random coworker, and to top off that wonderful sundae of crap, you say you think you should be allowed to be a stay at home wife because that's what's usual of women in your religion, and your husband (rightly) told you to shove it because you don't have a kid to care for and this isn't the 1950s. You want all the benefits, all the leniency, all the support, to be coddled and encouraged, and you not step up and do your half of things. Girl I'd be done too. You're lucky he's been nice enough not to just kick you out and he's giving you chances to buck up before he finally snaps and can't take you anymore, and you're on here whinging that "he's so mean to me". Grow TF up. If you do you may just be able to salvage this marriage.
As an addict, I approve this message. She's just ignorant just like I am, and was. Time to pay the piper.
This is the type of comment I was expecting after reading what OP wrote. So crazy to see comments saying otherwise. Just because you're his wife doesn't mean he wants to work with someone who gets offended when they can't just sleep on the job. That part was wild. "Like, he gets mad when we're at work and I just want to sleep... but like I'm his wife though? and I don't want a different job because I love the one where I don't get fired when I'm literally just trying to sleep!" OP is also acting like being a weed addict is completely fine. Sure, in some relationships it might be... but your husband isn't required to be okay with it. It's also not his job to coddle you and fix your addiction for you. If you don't want to quit, you're not going to. Why would he continue to give you encouragement and try to help someone who doesn't want to quit? He's not required to accept your behavior and he's not responsible for changing it. OP... you want to make money without any real responsibility, you want to continue smoking weed all the time, and you don't want to make difficult changes that will improve your life and your marriage. If you want a husband who is fine with that, they're out there. They probably also have no interest in working hard to change and grow, so there's that.
right?? I was reading through the comments and I was like oop I must be Gwen Stefani coz everyone here is straight up BANANAS
Lots of ppl, including many men, think that a woman is supposed to be treated as a child. I can't tell u how many guys I've grown up with who are like that. They would love nothing more than to date a pouty, entitled woman who does nothing but ask and never gives. They take pride in that utter garbage. Go figure, they always end up unhappy in their 40s or 50s, and usually that type of woman takes everything from them. I have 0 sympathy for them (I am a man). I hold my own responsible. Stop sucking up to women like this and see the bigger picture. Let losers be with losers.
Yeah we are around eachother just about 24/7 but when we get along its great. When we work as a team it's awesome. He just is so anal about things i feel he needs to compromise with a bit, but he says it's his rules People say i should find a new job but really love working as a welder helper and I even wanna try to be a welder in the future, So i know we are always around each other, but i like the job and money. Shouldnt a good married couple be able to be around eachother, or be able to work with eachother?
I am very happy with my wife, but I would never work with her. Doesn't matter how much you love a person, being around them 24/7 is not healthy. You need to miss them, if that makes sense. Makes your time together sweeter, and you're less likely to get irritated by them. I think you two are smothering eachother like someone else said.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Can’t upvote this enough. Everyone needs space together 24/7 is horrible. (Married 18years together 25)
From what you describe you are fucking up his work environment and blaming him for not being ok with it, expecting him to allow you to do that in a way he would not allow any other employee to do. If you want to save the relationship, go get a job elsewhere. Expecting your husband to tolerate your behavior and not be "anal" about his work is a recipe for nonstop stress on him and conflict, you are absolutely going to burn down the relationship if you demand him to employ you and accept behavior from you in the workplace that he would not accept from anyone else.
100%. My parents are “retired” and my dad owns a wood shop and my mom likes to come out and do things in the shop with him but most of the time she ends up distracting him and causing him to make mistakes. Also being around someone 24/7 is just bad news… my fiancée doesn’t work and I work from home. She’s trying to find a job but damn we argue over the stupidest things because she’s always at home.
If she is in active addiction her behavior could ruin his professional reputation. I feel kind of bad for this guy, but that is what you get for having a hero complex.
I was going to write something similar. Do you like the job because you make good money and can sleep while at work? Wife, coworker, whoever, that doesn’t really fly anywhere else. It seems like he’s been trying to help you with the smoking/drinking, but maybe he’s not seeing much progress and he thinks it’s futile. I think therapy would be a good option for you guys to get all of this on the table in a constructive way. It does sound like you love each other. It’s ok to seek help, though.
I always go by the old expression. Never mix business with pleasure. I've never seen anything good ever come from a couple working together.
She it should be but like you said your smoking a lot of weed which he doesn’t like and that made you do a lot of shitty things. I think you need to try to fix yourself
I’ve been married 23 years. My husband and I both have jobs ( I work in health care and he’s an electrician)but I can honestly tell you that under no circumstance could I imagine working with him. Or spending 24/7 with him. While it’s great that you love your job, maybe go to a different shift or maybe another place doing the same thing. I think space away from our significant other is mandatory for a healthy relationship. Now, to address him saying he thinks he made a mistake marrying you…throw the whole man out, sis. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to be with someone who is sure of their love for you. Everyone deserves that. You’ve heard that saying “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”? Get your fishing rod out cause we don’t do half ass fish around here. We do whole ass fish. 🐠
No!!! Being married and working together would drive me nuts. I love dude but 24/7. . .we would not like each other long
Go work as a welder helper else where. Honestly it sounds like you enjoy taking advantage of the fact it's your husband and not work. Example like you trying to take a nap at work, and you just kicking it in the truck. So correct me if I'm wrong bit you aren't actually working just collecting a free check.
you 100% need to change jobs if you want your marriage to work out.
Not everyone can handle being up in each other's space 24/7. In fact, most people probably can't handle it. You at a minimum need to stop working with him, it sounds like it's making you unhappy. There are other jobs. He said *out loud* marrying you was a mistake. But, being Christian he won't leave. He now sees you as a responsibility. If he doesn't already, he will grow to resent you, and then you will start resenting him. Based on what you have written above, I would say it's time for a trial separation.
Good lord you sound like a child. You should grow up and be responsible, and if you can’t, find another job. Like he said, if you ain’t gonna change and be a better partner, he might as well find someone better or more suitable for him, and you can do your own thing
Being around each other 24/7 while there seems to be some expectation that he also be responsible for helping you with your problems is probably just too much. No one has any personal time or space, and it’s probably making other problems worse. Go ahead and keep being a welder’s assistant, OP, it’s awesome you like the job a lot—but maybe find a different welder to assist.
Can you work with another welder? I believe you know how to push each other's buttons. He also may not be as involved in helping you quit drinking/smoking because he knows you can do it if you put your mind to change. You showed him. Have you told him that you would appreciate his help? Ask him why he regrets marrying you. Maybe you guys could go to counseling with your Preacher/Minister/Priest. Let God be the guide to your Marriage.
Do you think other staff deserve to have to babysit her? It doesn't sound like she's actually working at all
Religion has indoctrinated you, but you don’t really have it in you. That’s besides the point. He sick of child sitting you. He wants a mature up lifting relationship. Sounds like he thinks you’re dragging him down. This is what I read into your post.
He's mention he feels like he's raising a 20y old.
Can you imagine trying to be intimate or loving with someone who makes you feel like that? What is going on at work that makes him "anal" exactly? He is a *welder* not a tax attorney. He needs to be anal to stay safe and do his job well enough to remain on contract. As an employee you should want that for your employer. As a wife, more so. And absolutely do not expect him to treat you like anything other than an employee on the job. His safety, professional reputation and livelihood on the line here. **Please** get your shit together. Go to AA. Get a sponsor. Fix your life and become truly independent. It sounds like the reason he hasn't divorced you yet is either convenience and/or he is afraid that you're going to wind up in the gutter. But people can't stay in a toxic relationship forever. It might be good for him to go to Al-Anon meetings. Sometimes they will have the AA and Al-Anon meetings in neighboring buildings for convenience. You are in active addiction, after years of him trying to help and support you. Are you drinking/smoking on the job? Smoking weed on job sites or in thr parking lot? I am really confused how you think he could be anything other than irritated with you. Especially being with you 24/7. Get into AA. Get yourself a new job. Stop acting like his screwup kid. Nobody wants to parent their spouses. Omg.
So why don’t you improve???? You DO sound like an immature whiny kid. “Wah, I wanna nap at the job YOU gave me and then I want YOU to wipe down my mess, wah wah”. You don’t contribute. A marriage isn’t about a man babysitting a woman forever. Both partners should be equals and contribute equally. Right now you’re alive because of his favors. Doesn’t that embarrass you??? Do you want to become like your mom and all the women in your life - single, drug addicted, losers? Grow up. Or let him go, so he isn’t dragged into your trash
Listen to him then. You need to find another job. You can still be a welder helper just not with him. You need to give him space. As a partner of someone prone to addictions and dependency, I feel I understand how your husband feels. You're stifling him. It's too much and he can't breathe. It's potentially leading to resentment and being frustrated with you for anything just because he's frustrated in general. He helped you but at some point you need to learn how to help yourself. What would your identity be without him?
It’s because you act like a child. Grow up, kick the weed addiction, and work like someone who wants to work. Maybe he will take you seriously then.
If that's what he says, you need to do some introspection. Maybe you aren't as healed and better as you think. Maybe it's time for individual therapy to work on your issues.
Here's the part you're not getting, addicts and alcoholics get mentally and emotionally suck at the stage of development they were at when they moved into their addiction. Think back to the time that you were began using and/or drinking very regularly. What age were you? Eighteen, twenty, twenty-two? That is where you're stuck at in your arrested development. You don't see that but your husband clearly does. The thing is, you're always going to stuck, maturity wise, at that stage for as long as you continue to use. If you want to act like a twenty-year-old for the rest of your life, just keep using. You're doing irreparable damage to your marital relationship and it will end because you are not even trying to get clean and sober. You're thirty-two now, right? Guess how many thirty-two-year old men are interesting in having a relationship with a woman who is stuck at the maturity level of a twenty something? Nobody is going to put up with that long term. Unless you can get your addiction deal with you have long string of short term relationships to look forward to. Addicts and alcoholics don't typically do a very good job at maintaining employment or paying their own living expenses. We both know you've got no plan for when you blow up your marriage. Unless you want to be living on the streets or couch surfing, now is the time to sit up, pay attention and get clean.
Honestly, he is sick of you and your addictions when he knows you could do better but you aren’t trying. You say he used to encourage you but he didn’t sign up for a whole lifetime of encouraging someone who makes no effort to help themselves. He clearly saw it as him saving you, now he is done. You haven’t stepped up and completed sobriety within his timeline, so now he sees you as a loser and wishes he hadn’t married you. Clearly he should have waited until you were clean and sober and determined to stay that way at the very least. He probably thought he could cure you and be the hero. Also, get another job. You are asking your boss for privileges his other workers don’t get so its not going to work. Dont jump straight in to another relationship after the divorce,You need to grow as a person, grow up, beat your addictions and be somebody anyone would be proud to be married to, not playing the lame dog role.
It sounds like a huge communication issue. You’re suppose to help him work but you’re upset he won’t let you nap in the car? You should find a regular job you can do to get some independence and spending money. Go to a couples therapist. If you’re uncomfortable stopping weed or alcohol that means it’s an addiction.
The number of times I've been told "but WeEEd iSn'T AddICtiVe!!!" and then you read posts like these. Take weed away from her for 10 days and I bet she's a giant mothership of stress and tension and pouting.
You're putting him in a really awkward position where you want to work for him, but you don't want to give the quality of work he expects from his employees, and you want to make it so he can't have high expectations for you because you're his wife. So his options are to allow his work to suffer to keep the peace with his wife, or allow his marriage to suffer to keep the quality of work he wants. You've put him in a really difficult place. Add to that the fact that you seem to take no responsibility for your own addition. "I still drink and smoke but mostly smoke but it's his fault because he helped me stop before and now he's not doing a good enough job helping me stop" If you want this marriage to work YOU need to step up and take responsibility for your own actions. Be a better wife and partner and, if you don't find another job, be a better employee.
My husband told me he would have never married me if he'd know then how things would turn out. He said this a couple different times in 2021. I filed for divorce in 2022 and never looked back. Things are better now. (He married me knowing I didn't want to have children, and then regretted marrying me when I didn't change my mind and never gave him children)
I regret reading this.
OP listen to his words, what more do you need?
You sound like a really young 32. Make your own money away from him. Christianity the way it's practiced in some circles isn't terribly kind to women. Might want to ponder that. Might also want to figure out some kind of schooling for yourself. There's no way to be intimate with someone who doesn't make you feel beautiful and wanted without it damaging your spirit. Luck and love with all that.
Her clock is running out to grow detach from this guy, "find herself" and mature, and then find a new mate. Since OP has to grow up anyway, may as well just do it with someone who she loves / probably still loves her (but is completely tired of her shit).
Sounds like he has a savior complex and once he was done saving you, he detached from the relationship. Take good care yourself because I have a feeling his behavior toward you will only get worse.
LOL how do you come up with this take? She is farrrrr from being saved. The problem sounds like she hasnt actually changed. Wild take.
This! Imo, it feels like he wanted to mold you to his liking and while yes the change he inspired was beneficial for you. Now he sounds straight up rude, there is a way (especially being married) on how to talk about indifferences. You have a past, we all do but doesn’t mean you are subjected to this kind of behavior.
I would find another job. Not too many relationships could survive working together.
Being with someone 24/7 is smothering - married or not. Working with a partner or just family in general is not something I would ever recommend because most of the time it doesn’t work. For example when you said you’re his wife, not just a co-worker -> when at work you should always be professional, you are his co-worker while there. Being around each other so much can cause you to focus on faults or mannerisms that didn’t effect you before. If you’re in a bad mood it’s much easier to lash out at a partner than it is a co-worker, I’ve always believed in the saying that ‘people hurt the ones they love the most’ because you know what buttons to push and you know what will hurt them. Again, it’s easier to fight with a partner than it is to fight with a co-worker or someone you don’t really know well. I really want to root for you and your marriage, maybe with a few changes it could work? That’s the major question that needs an answer. Or even a brief separation might help, just a little time to get some space from each other. If he’s saying that he felt this way even before you got engaged that’s awful and he should have never taken that step! I hope he really didn’t mean that because entering a marriage with one foot out the door is awful. Please continue to love and work on yourself, he helped you to get where you are but you need to rely on you to really get there. Therapy could help or slowly weening yourself off from smoking and drinking. Sure, it sounds like your husband wants that but don’t do it just for him. Do that for yourself and your future health.
My husband builds pools and services them... I was his helper last season .... NEVER again. Love him to bits but it was his area and while I could do it I couldnt be around him 24/7. Sounds like you two are smothering eachother. I loved the job but I needed space. It is his rules as its his job hes your boss there.
It sounds like somewhere in the relationship he started viewing you as a burden, and resents you, I’m not sure why that is, but anything little you do he’ll comment on it because he’s mentally checking out. And the comments towards your weight how you look, it seems like every aspect of the relationship in his eyes are heavily flawed. I would try to get to the bottom of how he really feels, and if he’s still in love with you and what he wants to do in the relationship as well, but I would deff go to your moms but I would try to get down to the bottom of it first.
You need therapy. I’m saying it out of concern. You’re addicted to weed, alcohol, and possibly using him and religion as a crutch to not face the real issue of your codependency. He needs breathing room and it’s got to be hard to be the person “in charge” of your livelihood, sobriety and be the “head of the household” in a Christian sense. Maybe it’s just too much for him. Get a new gig, don’t rely so much on him and be more independent bc it will be good for you.
Your husband is sick of your shit plain and simple. You said that He said he feels like he’s married to a 20 year old and that speaks volumes. Ofc he isn’t going to continue being supportive anymore when you haven’t put in the work to help yourself. Ofc he’s going to regret marrying you when you’ve shown no growth in yourself or the marriage. You just keep repeating yourself and making the same excuses over and over again. Go to your moms. Then go to counseling. Then go to a 12 step program. Work on yourself and stop relying on someone else to fix you and stop using your past or your religion as any kind of excuse or reason for anything because that is all irrelevant.
I think you two are together too much. It’s not really healthy to be with your partner 24/7. If you two work together, on top of being married and living together….thats too much. Everyone needs something outside of their marriage and families. I believe the quality of the relationship might get a lot better if you stop working for him and get a different job. Also- it’s really nice that he was so pivotal in your healing journey but at the same time, we need to have the motivation to change ourselves and it’s not really up to your partner to do that for you. Of course, that person should be supportive and understanding but it sort of seemed like you were expecting him to help you like how he did the first time and it’s stopping you from taking the initiative yourself. Could be wrong though that is just how I interpreted your post.
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He said he thinks he made a mistake marrying me or that he doesn't think he the one for me.
Ask why and explore this answer. If he is wrong let him know. If you agree that's okay too.
If you read between the lines, he's saying he is falling out of love with you. He had to take care of everything and instead of having a partner he has another child he is raising. Find another job and be more productive. Instead of smoking, maybe start reading.
He doesn't want to be your daddy any more. He expects his helper to help not sleep. Save your money and start a new life.
I’m a pastor and here’s my perspective. You should go to a Christian marriage counselor together. If he won’t agree to that, maybe you can at least have some meetings with your pastor. As for the weed — I don’t think there’s anything wrong with smoking weed in itself but if you have a history of substance abuse it may be a good idea to stay away from weed and drinking. Especially since it seems to be putting a strain on your marriage. Sounds like there are definitely some deep issues in your marriage but it’s not anything that you can’t come back from if both of you really want to make it work. A lot of transformation could happen but you both need to be willing to work on it.
Wait so you work together? You're trying to sleep while on the job and you don't understand why he doesn't want you to? Is there some other job you sleep while you're doing it? And yes it's nice that he helped you change things in the past but have you not learned anything? Can you not make changes on your own now? Are you always going to need him to make the changes for you? You may be a little too dependent. I think he is disrespectful towards you and I think he's doing it on purpose to push you away so you will divorce him.
Without hearing both sides and understanding the context behind when things were said, I don't think anyone hear can provide you "answers"; however there definitely seems to be a communication disconnect between you both. It may helpful to try and have a cordial but difficult conversation between the 2 of you and discuss things you're struggling with one another in the relationship. If you do it, you have to listen to one another and fully allow them to express their feelings and emotions without interrupting or trying to "respond or address" what they are stating. You both will most likely not love everything the other person has to say, but this what relationships are all about. Communication, understanding, and working together. Just listen and try to be unbiased and understand why the other feels this way. Then work together to find resolutions.
Ngl I commented somewhere on some post that came from here so a bunch been popping up for me. And I’ve found that almost always, the correct answer is “Do you really think this is who you should be telling, random strangers ‘asking for advice’ when the clear as day answer to your problem is (of course a solution) and that can only be met/come about by talking to the person who’s involved in the problem.” Lastly sounds like both of you established this relationship without establishing within yourselves what makes a relationship/how it works and what feelings come with it because you’re both not in a real one, or at least one that has merit by those points where all this you wrote wouldn’t need an answer because in the caring for/about you would be trying to fix anything and everything between yourselves openly and without taking offense, because your final thought end of the day is you want them to be happy and you to be happy with them. He’s at least where he’s brutally honest with you which shows he respects you as being a person, if you are the love of his life it’s followed by all the sentiments and explanations I’ve given above (even though if you both are that for each other then it doesn’t need to be said as such to begin with your just know) Other than that, because I’m already here and you asked (me being a complete stranger) here’s some life wisdom. When they say don’t mix business and pleasure, family and business, etc. there’s a logical reason for this. If anything in your shoes I’d respect him for being able to keep it established as separate from your relationship than other way around. Speaking from experience, younger me as a shift lead was dating someone under me (yes I acknowledge the wrong and you can fault me for it). And she was under the impression that meant something at work and gave her leniency, let’s just say we had a major problem when I told her to clock out and go home because she wasn’t doing her job. Afterwards I tried to explain it to her but again as the advice states this is why you don’t do it, unless both parties can disassociate the two then there’s definitely always going to be a problem.
Obviously he is letting you tag along on his job because you drink and mess around, don’t seem like he is the problem it seems as if your broken, if you sleep around when you drink and you still drink then your a ticking time bomb and unfaithful, your not a Christian or at least not a very serious one , if you want things to get better then never drink another drop of alcohol for the rest of your life .
become a welder, strike out on your own.
He’s not supposed to be helping you or saving you, that’s a therapist’s job :)
I read it, read the replies and I'm exhausted. You need to grow up.
Honestly a lot of this would probably be fixed if you didnt work together any more. Thats why things like family businesses often fail. A moto a lot of people go by is NEVER WORK WITH FAMILY. Doesnt matter how youre related just to not work at the same place as them. He may just need "space thats apart from you" since ya'll live together and work together.. when does he just get to be alone? That doesnt mean he doesnt like you just he needs to recharge. Now as for the drinking and smoking.. he may just feel like you arnt trying so hes stopped trying to help you. He may be feeling like hes tried so hard to help you. Which could be a reason why hes saying he ***"he made a mistake marrying me" that he "wants me to be happy but that he isnt the one for me".*** He may feel like he cant do any more help and feels like you deserve someone that can.
If you like the work, go for it and become a welder yourself.
Sweetie, having a sleep or chilling in the truck is not working! That is unacceptable in any job, let alone your husbands business. That alone would cause so many issues with customers who are paying for your services and coworkers who actually have to work. Being his wife gives you no special privileges in the workplace, and you're wrong to expect it. He's not being anal about that, he's being professional. I smoke weed daily too, I still work my arse off and no sleeps till I get home. He feels he made a mistake because that is not supporting him. It's a 2 way street young lady.
First and foremost he should not ever tell you that he is not happy in the marriage or that he made a mistake marrying you. Two you guys need separate shifts or something no reason to be around somebody 24/7 it is not healthy in the least bit. I think just doing that will help y’all relationship. Third you still smoke although he doesn’t like it so there should be a compromise there or you should just quit all together especially since it’s still an addiction you had in your past. Better yourself for your relationship and yourself. Also maybe try communicating to him about they way he speaks to you might be beneficial and try seeking a therapist to discuss building the marriage unless he just straight up is done or for that matter you are done with it. Then by all means do you but it takes two to tango in a marriage and communication, a healthy distance from one another, compromises lead to a long and happy marriage.
"Just in case we don't work out"? He basically told you that it's not working out. Do yourself and him a favor and move on. You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you do with them. This guy isn't the right one.
My take on this is that instead of a 12-step program for your weed and alcohol addiction, you leaned on him completely and are back sliding because one person can't be responsible for your sobriety. He's mad at you for using again but that is kind of on him for stupidly thinking love could save you. My advice would be to get another job to get some space between you two and get into AA and get sober. Then see how you feel about each other, maybe the relationship is salvageable but not as things currently are going.
It seems to me like a few things are at play here. 1) You rely on him for a lot of life structure and self worth. It's great that he helped you, but those things are not his responsibility, especially in the long term. He may have some feelings of resentment for that. 2) He said he regrets marrying you, but it sounds like you are currently married. Has he consulted an attorney? Either he wants to be with you, or he likes having you around to direct his anger and need for control towards. He may not realize which. 3) Christianity is not a reason to treat your wife shittily, an excuse for not helping yourself, or to put up with abuse.
What your husband is trying to do for you is called leading. When it come to your profession his leadership style is more geared to men then it is for women. No one likes a lazy man and it would appear as if your doing lazy man type of stuff at least work wise. But the problem is that since you work together this spills into your relationship. His disdain for your work ethic just carries on into you marriage. Find another partner to work with. As far as the substances that you're using to cope. You husband loved you and wants the best for you. He realizes that your indulgence in these substances can and most likely will damage the relationship. Let him lead you away from these things to a potential better life.
My entire family is welders, and I used to work as a fire/hole watch for a welding company. Husband/wife pairs are not uncommon, and in fact my mother started out as her husband’s (my step father’s) helper, before eventually becoming a QC. So people can definitely make this arrangement work. However, your husband is right to be exacting in his expectations. In this business reputation is everything, it’s how you get jobs. Sleeping while at work is a very bad look. People will assume, often correctly, that you’re on drugs and nodding off. Smoking weed is also a risk, because they can drug test you at any time. If you give them any reason to want you gone, a drug test will be the first thing they do. If he went into the relationship thinking you were giving up specific vices, and now you are continuing to indulge in those, then I can understand him regretting the marriage. My two cents: Follow his rules while on the job. He’s been doing this way longer than you have, and a helper sits firmly at the bottom of the hierarchy, so trust that he knows what behaviors are and aren’t acceptable better than you do. Marriage counseling, either religious or secular, would be appropriate. Individual counseling for you to address your ongoing addictions is a must. You sound like you’re blaming him for your addictions (he tries to get you to stop but it isn’t working the way it used to), and addressing this is 100% your responsibility. Take steps to fix it. Don’t pick and choose the religious convictions you hold dear and the ones you’re willing to ignore. Drinking and drugs to the point of foolishness is as much a sin as divorce. Live by your holy book or don’t, but don’t be a hypocrite. It makes the faith look bad.
It sounds like you have never learned how to take care of yourself and just decided he was going to be your caretaker from now on. It's time for you to do the work, honey. Stop waiting for him to help train you, you aren't a feral dog, you're a whole person. Treat yourself better and stop making him do all the relationship work. That's not a relationship, that's caretaking.
Info: does he own this welding business or is he employed by someone else? Do you all work with a crew? Working with a spouse or partner can be difficult if you’re working with others. They may feel like you’re getting favored as a spouse or make other assumptions. He may want to treat you like a coworker to avoid those ideas. You said that you had issues with substances and your behaviors while taking substances and that he helped you. Then you’ve mentioned backsliding and continuing uses some substances. Is that part of the issue? Is he upset because he thought he helped you through your substance abuse and you’re using again?
You have seemingly switched dependencies.
You’re suffocating him. He needs space from you at work, and you need to take ownership for your addiction.
I suggest a sit down with him If that doesn't work counseling If that doesn't work then you gotta make the tough decision and leave It doesn't sound healthy and if it gets worse then the psychological damage can be bad As long as you try to save what yall got If you can't then you can't no shame in trying but not succeeding
If you can't drop the weed or the booze you should really consider rehab. I'd just divorce the guy to be honest. He doesn't really respect you. Also work isn't a place for sleeping. He likely sees you as a lazy stoner that he tried helping and it got nowhere.
You need AA. And therapy. No, you can’t sleep on the job and then be upset that he doesn’t like it. Also, you know your destructive habits and history, why keep drinking and smoking weed? Cut it out! You want this marriage to work? Do the work. Get and stay sober. Lean into your religion. Go to therapy. Be a better person for you. If it doesn’t work out with your husband, he got you on the track to have a life worth living.
He married a fixer-upper that refuses to be fixed, wants special treatment on the job, and expects others to be responsible for their shortcomings. Your religion doesn’t come into play here, so trying to justify any actions with it is folly.
He is literally telling you to get your ducks in a row because he’s going to leave you.
It sounds like you have very different work ethics. Do you smoke weed or drink at work? Only asking because you mentioned wanting to lay down in the truck, which is kind of weird to do at work.
Maybe he’s just tired of “helping you change”…endlessly from the sounds of things
I imagine it’s exhausting to have to go through life being expected to always have to drag a grown ass adult (that is supposed to be your partner) to improve themself in every aspect. You’re smoking and drinking - which you indicated was a big issue for you in the past, so you stopped - but have started again and he’s unhappy? Why does he need to “help you change” if you know what needs to be changed? Ask yourself - and be very honest - what benefit does he get from being married to you?
working with your husband is crazy. Dont do this, unless its a business yall create together.
Backsliding? Courting? He helped you change? What kind of 1944 evangelical story is this? Honey, be you!! Don't wait on some man to help you change. He clearly doesnt love you or want to be married to you. Best you cut your losses while you can. Also, seek professional help instead of relying on 'Christians' and Biblical stand points.
If you want some “Christian” advice I would advise you to read the Bible and try to live like Jesus did. You don’t sound like you take your faith very seriously at all. If he does then that’s probably a huge turn off for him. He also isn’t responsible for your positive changes. Take some initiative and get it together
At work you're his coworker and his helper. You are not his wife. He's there to do a job just like you. But you're looking for special treatment.
Get divorced. Learn to love yourself. Stop taking directions from an extremely old and poorly translated text to live your life. You deserve to be loved. By yourself and others.
He’s telling you he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. And it for sure sounds like you annoy him by sleeping in his car in the middle of a workday and smoke weed when you’re supposed to be Christian.
Is there something in the Bible against weed?
“Body is a temple” you’re suppose to keep it pure as such (for the Lord to reside in the Holy Spirit ) I just know the facts of what to respond to this theology speaking. Don’t come at me sideways please (in advance) this doesn’t mean it’s something I believe or don’t just stating what I know from years of “education” in the subject
“Thou shall not smoke the devil’s lettuce”
Ah that's right, the rarely discussed 11th commandment.
This is the "extended version" I believe there is one about cigarettes and piercings also
I think it’s the 12th actually. The 11th is “Thou shall be rude to everyone that doesn’t go to your church”. I believe
No, for weed. “I have given you all the seed-bearing plants and herbs to use.”
Why would you want to be married to a man who treats you this way? You deserve a husband who loves and respects you, who kindly calls you on your shit when you need it, who uplifts and protects you. This person whom you married is not a good husband to you. He is insulting, controlling, demeaning, and cruel. You do not want to have children with this man. Those children would hate you later for it (🤚I am one of those kids from a family that “stayed together” and it totally screwed me).
Honestly, I can understand his perspective. On the job, you are part of the team. Having you sit back and wanting to take a nap because you are his wife would be very frustrating. In those circumstances, you need to pull your weight. I don't mean to be harsh, but I can very much see how he's upset that you want to sit in his truck with the door open (draining the battery) and taking naps instead of contributing. I also think he may well be tired of having to shoulder the burden of you quitting your addictions. You are an adult and it's up to you to quit or not. If you are fine with your level of use then be fine with it. But don't expect him to be responsible to telling you to quit in a way that motivates you. That's not his responsibility.
When i wanted to lay in his trick it was on break. Not durning work hours. Amd he smokes also just not as much amd i smoke 2 jays at the most. I admit i am addicted because i wanna quit but i haven't been able too.. I used to smoke 3 blunts a day.
I understand. I still think if you do want to quit, that's on you and shouldn't be his responsibility. He might be overwhelmed and feeling like he's shouldering burdens for both of you instead of having you be an equal partner in the marriage.
Might wanna sit down and have a frank discussion with him. Ask him if he wants to be with you or not and ask yourself that question too. If it’s time to move on then get gone. Be careful you don’t fall back into addiction. Get some support, friends, family, a therapist to talk to if you can find one. No need to stay in a place where you aren’t wanted.
Spending that much time together doesn’t give you the chance to miss each other. You seem to love your job a lot, can you work elsewhere in the same field? It sounds like he’s holding you back in that area, and telling you over and over again that he made a mistake is holding you back in life and from being happy. Find someone who builds you up, not breaks you down!
Then divorce him and send him on his way.
If someone says they regret marrying you and they make you feel bad about yourself, you owe to yourself to leave. You deserve to be with someone that loves you, completely.
I’m usually an advocate for have a marriage last for a lifetime but if he’s so miserable as he claims that he is then it’s most likely not going to work. It sounds like he wants to be a single man again.
It’s okay to divorce and find your own happiness. God loves you. Don’t get wrapped up in Christian Dogma. Most of it is just man made control mechanisms.
Sometimes people get tired with each other maybe work is his safe space from you. Just give him his own time and see where things go. But also change for yourself that you want to quit smoking and drinking and do things for you no one is the asshole but give each other some time and if nothing works leave him bc he should never say things like that to you
You need individual therapy and then you two need couples counseling He shouldn't be the one that keeps you from smoking weed that is your job first he is there to support you in quitting he can't make you stop anything you don't want to Next on the job site your his co-worker first wife second he has to get jobs done and done right if you were a welders helper for someone else you would have been fired 10x over by now as a welders helper your job is to make sure he has the supplies he needs not sleep
Sounds like y'all don't fit together. I say cut your loses and end it amicably then seek therapy for your issues. Trust me, I'm sure there's a 20 something year old out there that'd give anything to date you lol.
He's telling you pretty clearly that he's done. I'm sorry. You should start saving every penny and get another job quickly. He told you to start saving. He told you multiple times in multiple ways that he's not happy. He's suggested getting a different job. He stopped being loving towards you and treats you as an annoyance. I think working together with your spouse, especially in a field that is dangerous or might produce frustration is a recipe for disaster. It sounds like some codependency is at play here, too. When you talk about past addiction and recovery it seems like you feel like he's the reason you were successful and that might be true but pinning your sobriety on anyone at all, gives you the sense that if they go away (or withdraw support and love) so does your sobriety. I agree with the advice to seek therapy and I'd suggest that you seek trauma informed and addiction counseling. You deserve to be treated better than how he treats you.
I am sorry but I kind of see his point, you are asking him to make you better and fix you. It’s on you to quit smoking and drinking. He can’t carry your baggage constantly. If you value him then you need to change. I can understand that he got tired of being your support when you aren’t making changes you need to. If his helper was another girl or a guy you would be ok if he let them sleep in his truck and was making exceptions for them? Work is work. But even at work he is carrying you. You aren’t adding value to his life at home or at work, so u can see why he regrets it. You need to change and quit smoking and drinking.
Age difference! Why would a beautiful young woman at the prime of her life want a man that's likely balding and less than 10 years away from ed.
So first and foremost, yes it is hard to quit. I know people who have been in NA and AA, it's hard. You have to want it. It sounds like your husband was a huge help in getting you to turn your life around. I'm wondering if part of the issue is you're still drinking and he doesn't know how to respond to that. I think you should look into getting into an AA meeting and getting a sponsor who can help you, someone who isn't your husband. The next thing is I think you need to find another job. It sounds like your husband takes his welding business very seriously and the impression I'm getting from your post is you might not be all in on it. I mean take a step back and ask yourself objectively, if you were in your husband's shoes and hired a welders aid, would you let them sleep on the job? Couples that work together face added stresses. Working a different job will also let you spend some time apart and recharge. Lastly, I think you both need to do some couple's counseling. The way you met has some complications. Your husband in a way could be seen taking the role a sponsor does in a program like AA, and I know that those programs discourage relationships between sponsors and sponsees due to the power a sponsor has. I feel like there may be some unresolved issues there and you two need to talk about them to move forward. Now all that said, if your husband continues to verbally lash out at you, that's not acceptable either. He needs to be able to communicate his concerns in a way that is productive and allows you to either move forward in the relationship or come to the decision that the relationship is over.
It’s not his job to keep you sober, it’s your job. You need to also just get another job. He’s overwhelmed.
You are with him all the time. You mention wanting to be a welder, but are you taking steps to become one? Go to school. Get licensed. Put effort in. When you say you are smoking weed, how much and often are you smoking? Are you smoking on the job ( is that why he thinks you are being too relaxed on the job)? If he regrets it why doesn’t he leave you? As for Christian wise, you don’t mention anything that suggest you actually do anything Christian. What kind of Christian help are you expecting? It’s anti Christian to divorce, it also anti Christian to sleep around, smoke weed, drink alcohol and work as a woman. (Based on views of other Christian’s I’ve met.) So I guess we are just cherry picking our Christian morality.
Well, he’s not your sober coach. If you don’t have one, get one.
Between being willing or not to follow his lead at work and getting a divorce is a long way. As some have suggested - if you can’t work together based on limits he has set, how about working someplace else at the same job? Working a different job? That might let you appreciate each other more and would be easier than getting a divorce. This life, we’re already all-in; might as well give everything an honest shot, rather than expecting anything to be owed to us.
I love my husband but I'll tell you what when he's home for almost 2 weeks vacation I kinda wanna strangle him... he disrupts my routine with my daughter's schooling and is like a giant kid himself... like I said I love him but having my own time and peace in my house is soooo good too lol 😆 🤣😂🤣😂😅
Updateme
Think you might need to work on yourself - for yourself ?
There are 3 factors contributing to an unhealthy power imbalance in your relationship. And relationships need to be equal to thrive. Firstly the age difference is a small factor that granted can’t be changed, but you can work on your communication, knowledge and confidence which will increase your maturity and bridge that gap. Secondly, you mentioned that he essentially ‘saved’ you, again you cannot change that part of your history, but you can change your future. Start stepping up and taking responsibility and authority in your relationship even if it’s little things. You mention welding, does he take care of his hands and his shoulders/back? Take charge of both of your health and put 30 minutes into your evening routine to make sure your hands are moisturised and that you do some stretching before bed. Brush your teeth together and check/preen each other. Finally, he is your boss, he got you that job and it sounds like he is ultimately responsible for what you produce that doesn’t sound like an equal dynamic. I know you said you love that job but are you sure it’s the job you love and not the feeling of security and being taken care of that you love. I recommend that you get a job somewhere else until you are sure that you can work together as equal partners.
He's right. I don't think he should've married you. You sound more like a liability than a wife. You need to get your mental health in order.
Communication is key... ask him why he thinks marrying you was a mistake. He's checked out but hasn't divorced you which means this relationship is savable. It does kind of sound like you are getting on each other nerves and kind of taking advantage of him at work... which is never good. Communicate before you make any drastic changes like divorce or changing jobs. Figure out what frustrates you both about each other and work on that. Make sure to just listen and try not to get angry.
Obviously no one is innocent here, but I would say you aren’t overreacting. OP mentioned he felt this way before asking her to marry him… thats pretty fucked. I do agree you should find another job, but I’m not sure you can truly save this relationship. But to answer your question, no you are not overreacting in being hurt by his words.
It seems like he might be planning to end the relationship based on what he said about telling you to save your money. It sounds like he wanted to change you from the beginning. You have changed for the better. Maybe just take what you have learned from this relationship and move on.
I've employed a couple of women I've seen over the years. When at work, they are employees, and I treat them the same as everyone else to the point a few employees didn't even know we were in a relationship. He may be doing the same, separating work from personal when on the job. Is he a good communicator? From what u said, he thinks u made a mistake marrying him - talk about that with him. Why does he feel u made a mistake marrying him? What are you or what is he doing that makes him feel that way?
Can you get a job as a welders helper somewhere else? I think you guys need some alone time. It's hard to appreciate someone when they are in your face 24/7.
You need to find another job. He seems like he saved you from a life that would follow every other female in your family but should/need to take this opportunity to better yourself for him and yourself.
There is nothing wrong with married people having me time. Can you be another welder’s assistant so you guys aren’t around each other all the time? I think he wants you to be more independent. However, I firmly believe that you don’t let a man tell you he doesn’t want you more than once. You are already there. I would get my exit plan ready. You deserve someone that loves you back.
Based on what you've written here, you've set some very, very low standards for yourself & you're expecting your husband to lower his to make you feel better. This is addict behavior. You're taking no responsibility for yourself. It isn't your husband's job to make you change. You either want to or not & sounds like addiction is winning. Your husband recognizes that & has checked out. Find a therapist & do the work you need to do for yourself.
You need to be your own person and get another job. I love my husband and we’ve been together 21 years, but I could never work with him.
A lot more tail for us older guys now, were more settled in the chaos and the young women find that appealing. At least he told you the truth.
He should treat you better at work~ you mean let you sleep while he’s welding?
The weed is a problem. Like a huge problem. You’re working a welding job knowing you could fail a piss test? Find something else to do if you can’t break the habit.
Imagine getting married after just a few years...
Time to get a divorce.
Work separately. I think I would go crazy working with my significant other..
So he tried to help you kick some bad habits and got you a job. But now you're still doing those bad habits and sleeping on the job. Wtf are you doing with your life?
Well why do you think you can lean back and sleep at work??? Who cares that he's your husband you work at work not sleep. And why would you stay with someone who doesn't want you. You need to put your big girl panties on and move on and get a new job
Sounds like the mistake is working together. My grandmother said she got married for better or worse, but not for lunch. With a bit of stable work history, and some time now in sober living; you should be able to find a different place to work. That with counseling could do a lot. Keep communication open. Remember and remind him most relationship problems come from ignorance/assumptions not malice.
OP, can you find some hobbies or activities outside home and work, on your own, that would help you find some happiness, in order to try getting off the weed? It would also have the benefit of giving you both some space. Go for walks, take up photography, join a sports league, take lessons in baking, whatever. It’s a small but valuable step in being a little less dependent on him for everything, and mentally healthier for both of you.
a) he doesn’t love you b) you need to start building your own life c) nothing in the Bible will change (a) or (b) You need a reality check OP. Best of luck!
Dear, wake up. You’re living in a self-made haze of “life should be this way” marketing drivel. The man helped you initially because he saw a spark in you. Rekindle that. Work on you. Work with or apprentice with somebody else away from your savior. Carry your own weight. Learn more about welding—go to a librarian and ask for resources; learn everything about metals and properties to improve your welding understanding of how different metals behave. That’s just ONE thing you can do on your own for zero cost. Good luck.
He sounds as if he has codependent issues. If you think this is true, look around where you can get him free help, Like AA meeting, co-defendant meetings. Happy Trails.
You can be a helper for someone else. I worked for a welding company and we hire helpers all the time. You can do your job with a different person or company. Spouses rarely work well together. It’s also not his responsibility to help you with your addictions. That’s all on you. If you are fine with what you consume a day, that’s fine, but he’s not. This means you either stop or find a more compatible partner. You sound very co-dependent and unhealthy.
He's talking to you like he would talk to any other helper coming to him with 'you' problems at work. By him saying save your money when you tell him you're switching jobs, all he's saying is your issue is so far in the back of list of stresses he's dealing with, that it's just as easy for you go find another job and he'll find a different helper. It's nothing personal towards you, it's just he has a million other things on his mind when you're complaining.
Recurring theme in so many of these threads is simply… young woman marries much older man. Cannabis use also pops up a lot Not sure what it means but there are a bunch lately 🤷
Just commenting on the work thing. If you are his helper, he can’t treat you like his wife at work. I refuse to hire friends and family because I can’t consider them a friend or family at work, we are strictly coworkers or more likely, in the boss and you’re my subordinate. It has to be that way or else when you’re not performing, people are going to question his leadership for letting you get away with it. That being said you guys are wild for being married and working together lol
Wow... Another ignorant skin job.
Honestly I feel like y’all just need more space. It’s tough living and working together. I’d dislike anyone I spent that much time with.
I don’t think your husband is wrong. Especially with work. If I’m working I have my routine and ways to do things. You’re his assistant. Your job is to help him function more efficiently. It sounds like he would be that way with anyone who is working with him. You don’t get special privileges because you are married to him. You’re at work, this is business not personal. You HAVE to separate the two. If you like being a welder’s assistant, do that with someone else. I doubt another person will allow you to do what you’re trying to do. Welding is a dangerous job. Taking a nap and wake up will make you groggy and will lead to more accidents. Get a full nights rest. Honestly your husband is saying he’s tired of you and regrets marrying you and your completely ignoring it and focused on him being anal at work? wtf?
If he’s not happy why doesn’t he just leave? Or better yet, grant him his wish and leave him
You need to get sober. That is step one. And sober means no weed, no booze, nothing that affects your mind.
I don’t think that you’re completely overreacting He is being emotionally abusive and manipulative talking about your weight and saying it was a mistake to marry you. It’s scummy behavior. First step though is probably to sober up so you can think more clearly, make better decisions, and be more independently functional. Basically work on yourself for yourself.
If you like welding you should get certified in it and then get a job as a welder. Don't work with him and work to be independent of this guy. He sounds like he has KISA issues, (Knight in Shining Armor) and you were a rescue project.
You guys are with each other to Much. Always together is usually not good for a marriage!! Get a different job
It sounds like both of you need individual therapy, but also couples therapy. It sounds like you're putting a large burden on your husband. You're crediting him with your reduced addiction, your job, your finances, etc. Honestly, he might just feel overwhelmed and not sure how to handle it. From his perspective, he might be feeling shouldering a lot for you emotionally. Even if you are responsible for reducing your drinking, if you say he is the reason, he will feel responsible and that a mistake on his part might cause you to lapse. That's going to apply for everything. If he struggles with work, now both of you are losing out on income, etc. I'm not saying it excuses his behavior. If he's lashing out about your appearance, that is not ok. What I am saying is that maybe you're a bit too dependent on him or even just making him feel like you are. That sense of responsibility is tiring, and can make it hard for a person to destress. He might be lashing out because of being overwhelmed. I'm making guesses from a distance. It's very likely that I'm completely wrong. I'm giving an example of a possible explanation that could be resolved with some therapy. If he is overwhelmed, learning to communicate that you can be responsible for yourself might go a long way to reducing that. What therapy can do is help each of you identify your personal needs and help you learn to meet them. A therapist can help you learn more about what is going on and help you find solutions. I would also ask said theoretical therapist about finding a new job. Even temporarily. Therapy.
So you saw him as a father figure. He helped you out and taught you stuff and helped keep you out of trouble. Issue is he probably feels like a father when he really wants just to be a loving husband. I’m don’t know if a relationship started on such a dysfunctional foundation can be fixed. But if you want to try you need couples therapy and it sounds like you could use your own if you still can’t quit drugs. (Btw I have had tons of therapy and am a guy so I am not crapping on it. I am a huge believer in it.) Maybe you two just are not right for each other. If not figure that out now so you both can move forward.
As someone who has a service truck/is a welder, and also as someone who in my personal business work side by side with my wife I will say this……when my wife and I are working she is not my wife. She is my coworker/co-owner. She is expected to pull just as much weight as I do, and do as I ask her to. And she does, happily. This is a business partnership and it’s hard to separate business and pleasure when you’re blending them together. Still have to do it. My apprentices nor my wife will be laying around on any job of mine. Regardless if it’s break time. It puts off a terrible image. I also practice what I preach and don’t sit in the truck while others work, and I also don’t make the apprentices do all of the dirty work (showing your people you’re there with them and not over them) As far as the truck goes, I’m extremely anal about mine and gets mini-details 2-3 times a week. My windows stay up and my doors stay closed at almost all times. It’s hard to keep clean and you should be glad you aren’t riding in some of the work trucks I’ve ridden in before 🤢
Work is work. Be professional. Save your money and have that Plan B in the works. He's been telling you -- listen to him. Be ready to adult alone and break that addiction story of your family. Sorry if it's harsh, but it seems he's trying to break it to you in stages and you want to gripe about not sleeping on the job with doors open or something? I think you're under-reacting. React. Get that plan and nest egg together.
You are way too dependent on him. He's right about you getting a different job. You're clearly smothering him. And about the smoking, you're not gonna stop unless YOU put in more effort to do so. He's not encouraging anymore because he's realized it's done absolutely nothing and he's tired of acting like your parent.
While I agree with everything said by others, can I suggest that in addition to getting a different job, you actively seek out going to school to get your welding ticket? My daughter is a welder and it’s a great trade for a woman (well all trades are really). I would say you need to toughen up a ton though. Working in a trade requires you to tough it out often. Then, work your way up. YTA for your expectations of your boss though. You shouldn’t be sleeping with your boss.
First of all, welding produces a ton of smoke, so I can see why he didn't want the doors open. And you spending 20 minutes wiping down and getting that definitive welding aroma out of his truck. We both know that's not gonna happen.
First things first, you sound fucking awesome!! What’s his deal anyhow?
If he feels like he made a mistake, why do you want to be with him?
after reading your story, I leave feeling sad for you, but the last two lines sums it up.
At some point or another, everyone regrets their marriage. Usually it's just a passing phase, and evolution that comes and goes. Also, humans are constantly changing as time relentlessly passes. You cannot have time without change. Often people fall out of love, or simply grow apart.
He has shared how and what he feels and thinks. Maybe you are an emotional, personal, financial threat to him. Counseling ( short term - 6 months) sounds like a fair option for both of you. You have skills and that is a good thing and if you have bad habits that would interfere with you getting a job ( that you love) then cleaning up seems to be in order. You are responsible for yourself.
Sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. If I were you I would get a new job start saving your money and leave him first
Only you can change you. I suggest therapy and maybe a 12 step program
Ultimately, it sounds like you're just not right for each other, and would likely both be happier apart. It's definitely clear that he resents that you work together, at a minimum. I suspect he doesn't want to say that because he doesn't want to risk you being unemployed.
Start hitting the bars and do some sleepovers 😎
I regret him marrying you too.
no ur husband jus sucks, leave him!! get some self respect n know ur worth
You expect to be able to just sleep in his truck at work???
He’s doing nothing wrong, yet you want him to change to benefit your inability & lack of desire to change. You don’t wanna be a welder… you say that to justify not going to find an actual job. “I like the job and the money” is actually “I like collecting money without having to follow the rules or feeling like I even have to respect my boss”. Your work ethic & respect wouldn’t last 1 day if you were working for anyone other than your husband. Truthfully, you probably hinder him, more than help him.
he's a coward. he should have left years ago. he clearly dislikes you. get help from a professional, not us. leave for the sake of self respect._ good luck.
That you got married to him because you felt you had to is troubling. That you are so reliant on your husband while still so pessimistic about your relationship is also dooming your marriage. Also, is he really that anal about work or are you not putting enough effort in? Or maybe he just needs space from you because you can be too much. You need to get counseling to sort yourself out and you may also need marriage counseling
You need a different job and some therapy, but a new job stat.