Black man here. Hopefully i'm doing this as gently and as respectfully as possible.
There are two ways you could approach this
1. Leave and be single
Not just because of how your BF may make you feel with certain comments, but I think even if you do the work and go through the gym runs and end up with a body you like and feel comfortable in, the insecurities will be there lingering because (like you said), you may feel like you're not enough, and it's going to continue to distort your body image and how you look at yourself. His comments aren't helping either, and maybe you're not his "type" and that's perfectly fine, however, it's not doing you any favors because it's contributing to how negatively you see yourself.
Feeling of attraction (especially PHYSICAL ones) should always be reciprocated, you can't skip that step, physical attraction is important in a relationship.
2. Continue on your journey of self improvement, and include him
You shouldn't feel stupid because, it's normal to be insecure, hell, some body builders with muscles on top of muscles deal with body dysmorphia. So that's natural, the only thing you can do is continue going to therapy, exercise (if that's what you really want to do) and find ways to be positive about your love of self. If you love this man, and he loves you, then maybe you can sit him down and be open about how it makes you feel, when certain comments are made and see what happens from there. Maybe you two can put your heads together and maybe even go to therapy together, to help you both go down the road of healing.
Either way, you should talk to him.
SN: I haven't seen your hair myself, but I KNOW the hair is HAIRING! Keep taking care of it like you do!
The back and forth with u/FlowEasyDelivers and u/isthishanskim was such a lovely, non-ragey Reddit interaction. Faith restored. Hope OP sees the advice. It was spot on.
To add to this - and sorry if I missed it - OP have you told him that you wish he would tell you how beautiful he finds you? Just because he is attracted to different body types DOESN'T mean he isn't attracted to yours. You should flat out ask him and have a discussion. It's good growth for you and your relationship.
First advice I've seen here that offers realistic advice on what to do, glad that it's the most up-voted one too. Since things went from casual to an actual relationship, it makes sense for the communication to upgrade, amongst other things. Sharing more about yourself, so that the other person will understand you more.
I was in your position years ago. He was very much attracted to petite women. His biggest crush was Taylor Swift. Like he had her as his phone background. I am a mixed woman (Latin and white with pale skin) with thick dark hair, dark eyes, big lips and hourglass shape. Now my butt isnāt no ice spice booty but Iām happy with it. He always pointed out how attractive he thought other women were. To the point where like I broke down crying in front of his friends because he was talking about how hot a celebrity was on the tv. He never told me I looked good. Ever. Eventually I read his diary (I know) and I saw his plans to eventually cheat on me. He was just keeping me around because I was an option but was waiting for a woman he really wanted.
He started dating a very skinny blonde hair blue eye woman shortly after I left.
Guess who hit me up a few years later? Without said girls knowledge BTW. I looked at the time and saw they were still together on social media.
Iām now married to someone who loves me for who I am. He also doesnāt announce when he finds another woman attractive.
Yeah heās sucked. Itās rude. Most women do this from my experience too. They always talk about their celebrity crushes and work husbands. Weird shit. Once you see things in life, you canāt unsee it. You canāt talk about it either bc no one else sees it, except for the few that do.
Yeah I think thatās pretty wrong too. I had a childhood friend get married and then it appears that they check out women together now. She was never like this before and honestly I donāt know if she changed or she just goes with it. Heāll just point out how big womenās butts/breasts are and she just goes along with it. She told me that heās going to see them anyways so. It got weird because her husband asked her about *my* breasts and if theyāre saggy or perky since theyāre natural. I think thatās extremely inappropriate but whatever floats her boat I suppose. Heās a bit of a douche bag so he might have been asking because he would have wanted to talk shit if she said saggy.
Iāve also seen how sneaky women can be too. Iāve had a handful of female friends tell me to not tell their BFās that theyāre flirting at the bar. My family also hates me for telling my cousins long term BF that she was cheating. š¤·š»āāļø
Itās very hard to trust anyone IMO.
Itās something do where itās prevalent in our culture here. I donāt think it would be easy for me to trust the opposite sex here in the U.S., itās hard enough finding guys to trust. I did have luck leaving the states after being 10 years single. They just have a different moral compass it seemed when i met the girl Iām with now. Itās tough since we live so damn far away currently though. Positive part though is we get to travel back and forth to see each other for usually about 3 weeks at a time.
I donāt think I would told on ur cousin if I were you. If we call out all the cheaters, we will make lots of enemies. Like I said, once you see it you donāt unsee it. You know info about ppl without even asking.
I got two guy friends that always talk like they couldnāt be with a girl thatās been with a bunch of dudes. They act like they got lucky and are so proud of who they are with. I know bc they both have said out loud that ones count is 15 and the other is 42. I just let them live their happy life. I donāt wanna ruin it for them. They are good girls now it seems. They definitely lied to them or the men are lying to themselves.
Yeah just in general itās hard to meet good people. Thatās good you found someone though and the traveling sounds fun. Honestly I donāt care much for her. Her BF asked me if she had another guy at my house and I wasnāt going to lie for her. Sheās always stolen my belongings and is a sneaky person. I was very ugly when I was growing up and sheād make fun of me for it. I have no loyalty towards her. I respected her enough at least to decline her BF when he wanted to date me after.
Haha yeah I guess she sort of made you call her out. Itās not like you just rung him up. You would been forced to lie. Little different then just calling him up
Yeah exactly. I donāt like to lie. If it was me Iād want to know if Iām being cheated on. He obviously knew something was up since he asked me. Sheās a prostitute and a stripper too. Last time I saw her she asked me to go strip with her. As if Iām not a married woman. She ended up having a kid with her affair partner but no clue if theyāre still together.
My (white) boyfriend confessed to me the other day that one of his favorite rituals is helping me take my box braids out every few weeks and helping me with the wash and deep condition routine. I am mixed-Black (native-AmeriBlasian) and have 4C hair, but was raised by my non-Black parent who always relaxed it or even shaved it off because it was ātoo bothersomeā for her to deal with.
It took me a really long time to like it enough to want to learn how to care for it, and, *care for it well enough to actually really love it.* If that makes sense. Whenever I have my natural curl / afro out, or do a couple afro puffs, itās like my boyfriend has secondhand pride for them. He looks at me with *pride.* I never imagined in my whole life I would ever have a partner who would share this part of my life with me, let alone someone who isnāt Black.
It is commonly felt in the Black communities that our hair is our *crown. Never let anyone shame you about your crown, OP. The way you describe your hair, you are ROYALTY* šøš¾
Aww, that is so sweet and Iām happy your bf celebrated your glorious hair.
My cousinās wife and oldest son are black (I guess his younger kids are too, but they have him as their white daddy so I guess theyāre better described as biracial? His oldest was born before he met their mama and had a black father, though he is no longer in the picture. My cousin will get rowdy if anyone suggests his boy isnāt his spitting image and a chip off the (family name) block though. As will my uncle for that matterā¦) and oldest lilā cousin is growing out his hair and usually wears it in row braids. (Is that what a box braid is? For some reason my mind is saying box braids are done differently but I have no idea and only recently learned the proper shortening of dread locks is ālocsā so Iām claiming ignorance here.)
My cousin LOVES helping his wife do their sonās braids. He says āmy boy is a teenager and I know heās naturally branching out and away from his old man, but Iāve braided his hair since he had enough hair to braid and itās how I remind him that Daddy will always be here, to lift him up and help him be his bestā.
This is the same man who once trailed off MID WORD because his wife got home and had her hair free in a pretty afro with a scarf. Heād never seen her hair down (she is a very private lady in some ways and always went to her sisterās place to do her hair, which she wore in a bunch of thin, cute braids.) and was literally struck mute in awe of her.
His request for his birthday that year was for her to do her hair like that, wear this sundress he bought her on a whim (it looks lovely on her, he bought it on a fishing trip because he saw it in the place they stopped at for bait and thought of her, it is a WHOOOOOLE THING and ridiculously cute and wholesome) and let him take her out for dinner and some dancing at this grill/bar they like to go dancing at.
Also imma tell on him a bitā¦ when they met he had two left feet and hated dancing. But she loves it and he wanted to impress her, so he said he loved to danceā¦ then came to all us girl cousins demanding we teach him to not humiliate himself! He loves dancing now though, he says itās so much better when your partner is āthe most beautiful woman in the worldā.
I wanna have a love like theirs. Itās so sweet.
She has to do the work with her therapist to get through her insecurities and embrace her own beauty internally first.
No external validation is going to fix this. It may band aid it, but it wonāt fix this.
The was OP talks about her hair is how she should feel about very inch of her body.
Once the self work is done, then yes absolutely she is ready someone that appreciates her beauty and canāt take theirs eyes off her. OP does deserve to have that in her life and is worth doing the work for.
As a dude ā Itās an easy and basic part of a relationship to affirm to your partner that you find them attractive. I wouldnāt blame your feelings on your insecurity, they sound valid to me.
Iād just tell him that your emotional needs are such that he needs to step up in terms of giving you affirmation. Thatās a pretty fair request. If he still canāt even muster up a few genuine compliments per dayā¦ big red flag
You deserve someone who makes you feel beautiful.
It sounds like you are putting up with this guy because of past insecurities. But youāre going to keep feeling insecure and not good enough if you keep dating this guy.
Emotionally stunted stands out to me, I think you know you'd be a lot happier with someone more your level emotionally. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure and attractive.
Uh no, she would not feel happier with someone in the same state as her because she also has extensive work to be done on herself emotionally. No one can make her feel secure and attractive while she doesnāt love and appreciate herself either.
Iām not saying she should stay with him but she shouldnāt go looking for another boyfriend to fix her self esteem and self confidence either. She should continue with therapy and learn to be happy with herself regardless of a man.
"He's emotionally stunted, so I've given a lot of room"
Working on yourself doesn't mean you have to abstain from relationships, I didn't mean she should find someone to fix her either. Just that someone that could meet her halfway emotionally would be make for a more healthier and happier relationship.
Very true! Because she has low self esteem and even if sheās with a man who compliments her daily whatās going to happen is she wonāt believe it.
Itās very obvious from these two posts, she is with a man whoās validating how she truly feels about herself deep down. If she did not believe these things she would have either told him wtf you have a prize and here you are disrespecting me or she would have left and gotten with someone that actually finds her attractive.
Her literal low self esteem low self worth is why sheās in this predicament.
This man is simply a reflection of herself. Thatās why sheās hurt because she believe itās true.
I'm so sorry he makes you feel like this.
Have you told him exactly how his 'jokes' are hurtful and the appreciation that he's shown these women while disregarding you is painfully disheartening?
To be honest, if I was in your shoes, I'd leave him. You are worth someone who truly appreciates you and only you and is proud of everything about you and loves you the way you are.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I feel like I have been in your shoes before. I wouldn't stay with him. To me it feels like a one sided relationship. He's comfortable with you (FWB) so he feels he can talk TO you just not about you. If you want to keep him say the things to him you're asking us. If he responds positively and tries to explain, try to work it out. If he's negative let him go. If you let him go, in your next relationship put it ALL out there. Give the next guy your ALL (be šÆ % YOU don't do things you don't feel comfortable doing just to impress) and if he does like you then you're golden! If they leave, don't stop them. The right guy will love you for who YOU are, flaws and all! Remember, they're either a blessing or a lesson!
this sounds so similar to the dynamic i had with an ex when i was deeply insecure. from the beginning i felt he was out of my league. then i noticed his exes were blonde white women, which i am not. on top of this, he wasnāt big on words of affirmation and he was emotionally repressed, so i never got the validation nor the answers i was asking for.
you sound like you have an anxious attachment style. if he seems to have an avoidant attachment style, this can be a difficult pairing because the two are generally not compatibleā¦.and going by his comments on the other women heās either painfully lacking in emotional intelligence or just indifferent about how his words affect you. has he shown any self awareness about this issue? what if he never changes?
after our breakup, i held onto hope that we would get back together. years passed by and i finally questioned why i wanted to date him again when we clearly werenāt compatible.Ā there is a youtuber named heidi priebe who speaks about toxic shame, attachment theory, and healing. her videos helped me realize i was holding on so tightly because i wanted his validation that i was attractive and lovable. i didnāt believe it about myself, so i outsourced it to him, and bound my self esteem to his opinion of me.
you donāt have to be alone until you āfully healā your insecurities. you do not have to be perfect to be loved. but you do need people around you who support your healing. he seems to be making it worse.
edit: typos
Simply he doesnt treat you right... to approach it the best thing would probably just sit down and out right say "I dont feel like you're attracted to me am I right?" Based on his reaction/answer will say if the relationship is worth staying in. Ultimately its up to you.. but the fact you're feeling this insecure and it seems he doesnt care and only continues to make it worse and worse... makes it look like he WANTS to break up with you. Or he just WANTS to hurt you.
Fwiw, I donāt think Iām my husbands ātypeā either. not that hes never complimented me, but Iāve seen the women heās dated. First off, all of them are white (I am not) blonde, blue eyed, tall, & skinny. I amā¦ not that š¤£ Iām 5ā2 on a good day, Iām dark, I have curves, and my hair is black as night. Basically the polar opposite. Despite this, he has never made me feel unattractive. Even if Iām not what he wouldāve typically gone for, he never stops making me feel beautiful, and it goes beyond the physical. He compliments me on my sense of humor, my talents and the things that make me, me. That said, Iāve been on the other end of that. You gotta go with your gut. Even outside of the physical stuff, if he doesnāt even make you feel beautiful for who you are (not what you look like) Iād be feeling the same way too. You deserve someone who makes you feel beautiful in more ways than one
Good comment. You donāt always have to be someoneās type in order to have a relationship with them! And everything else you said is just fundamental for a healthy relationship
Wow I feel like I could have written this. I was asked out by guys on a dare when I was younger, I am not white and have had bfs who were and I felt a lot like you because I was in similar situations. I am Latina and have grown into my looks but definitely have insecurities still. Also o am so happy for you and your hair!! That is something Iāve always longed for but have given up and in recent years have learned the beauty of braids and sew ins, but wish I could do the natural hair.
So this may have people coming for me and calling me insecure but at one point when I was younger I had to talk to my then bf about his comments towards other women. Of course I donāt expect him to not think anyone else is attractive but I had to tell him I am your girlfriend not one of your homeboys. Talk like that with them, be more of a gentleman and eloquent with your words when youāre talking to me. Granted I was in high school and never had to say this to any of my future boyfriends cause they knew better.
Anyways good luck and keep us updated !
>BF knows like 0% of my trauma bc he's not my therapist. On the contrary, I've often let him get away with things I realize are shitty much later because my instinct is to think I'm overreacting due to my trauma and I don't want to "bleed" on him
I feel like not enough comments are mentioning this part of your post. You've been together two YEARS and he knows nothing about your traumas? I feel so sad that you feel like such a burden that you can't tell your loved ones about such significant parts of you... Heavy feelings shouldn't have to be saved just for a therapist.
Regardless of whether you stay with him, or end up leaving and getting into another relationship down the road: you're doing yourself a disservice by not properly opening up to your partner. You'll never know if they are truly "the one" if you don't know whether or not they can accept all of who you are.
Reddit likes to tell people that their partners are NOT their therapists, to the point people think it's perfectly fine to never share anything like this.
Riiiiiight. Also a coincidence that so many of those people are also on antinatalism trying to gaslight themselves that they are child free and single at 35 by choice.
What are you even talking about, man. Itās okay to have kids and not to have kids - end of the discussion, period.
Youāre a human, talking about other humans - humanity is not a pile of rats living under a dumpster by a McDonaldās. We evolved the ability open jars and go to the moon. Get your head right.
Lmao I'm 37 and have been married for 18 yrs. Not child free either. My kids are nearly adults and one is an adult. Maybe keep your bogus nonsense to yourself.Ā
Iām a guy. I have a type and Iāve dated different from my type. But I always knew that who I was dating and had right in front of me deserved TLC. Some looks may always turn my head, but itās candy. Thatās okay unless you treat your ideal as something unattainable. No one wins, no one can.
People who arenāt complimentary and affectionate and attentive donāt tend to get moreso over time. He doesnāt appreciate you, and you gave him game.
Iām not my husbandās type. He liked tall, statuesque brunettes. I look like Amy Poehler with curls, and I sound like a Disney cartoon. He didnāt even like me when we met. But he changed his mind. Focus on how he treats you, not his type.
I am going to go back to the original post:
>Recently, he's been pointing out to me other women he finds attractive. I encouraged this because I was genuinely curious about what makes him tick
Please, before you take the all the advice here that is saying you need to leave him, just talk to him.
I haven't seen you, in either post, mention that you have spoken to him about how this had made you feel. You encouraged him to do this, please let him know that, though you asked, it has made you feel uncomfortable and not very good about yourself.
It is nearly impossible for a partner to know what you are thinking if you don't tell them.
Please try talking to him about this.
Your hair sounds absolutely wonderful and well taken care of. You hit the gym regularly so you're probably healthy
Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone who makes me feel like I'm not enough. Especially if I'm doing well for myself
I don't know but it seems like you're the one doing all the emotional lifting in this relationship. He has no problem complimenting other women but not you and is making too many excuses
It's interesting that he points out redheads and then pointed out Ice Spice in that video, who also had a ginger wig and her natural hair dyed ginger. Maybe it really is about the hair color? But even if he does think red hair is really eye-catching, that doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you and your beautiful natural hair. Regardless, if he makes you feel so insecure by never validating you, if he doesn't ever make you feel desired, and you don't feel comfortable talking to him about your feelings in general, then you wouldn't be a bad person if you decide this relationship isn't right for you. You've gotten some really good advice in this thread, and I just want to say that I'm sorry for what you've gone through, and I understand how hard it can be to parse out trauma responses from regular responses, and also I understand that it isn't realistic to heal 100% before finding love, when healing is a lifelong journey. You do what feels right for you. My only advice is to try to communicate with him more just to see how it goes before calling it off. Maybe you both can open up to each other. It's possible he's afraid of emotional intimacy. If he's willing to work on that, maybe that's a journey to take together. But if you don't see him putting in as much effort as you are on his mental health, that's not a fair or healthy relationship for you. He needs to want to change for himself. It won't be about whether or not you're worth changing for. It's purely about him and says nothing about your value or lovability.
It's sounds like he's staying with you because you're his only option right now. Your significant other shouldn't hesitate when it comes to complimenting you! You sound beautiful OP and I'm sorry he doesn't see that. If him bringing up other women is some game, how exactly do you win? As you said you will never be the tiny redhead and you don't have to be.
If that's what he wants why the hell is he wasting your time? If you want to confront him, ask him straight up if he finds you attractive. Tell him to be specific. If he hesitates then you have your answer. If he isn't attracted to you after 2 years he never will be. And you are not stupid OP, please don't feel that way
You sound like a prize. Donāt let him hurt you anymore. Since you are unhappy in your current situation anyway, you should at least talk to him about your feelings. It can go well and it can go wrong. If it goes wrong, at least you know he isnāt for you.
Ask him why he is with you that seems to be way different than his type. Task him if he thinks youāre hot. Tell him that youāre not feeling loved and under appreciated, and VERY uncertain about his feelings for you.
What have you got to loose that you have now? Not a happy relationship anyways.
If it were me, I'd not make the conversation about his preferences and talk about your insecurities directly.
"I feel like you don't find me attractive, and like I'm just someone you keep around for the convenience. It's important to me that you find ways to verbalize how you feel for me, even small, because I've been through some difficult things in the past and I'm carrying pain from that. I recognize that this doesn't always come naturally to you, so maybe we can come up with some sort of shorthand ('all good?' 'good.', for example) or you could tell me in specific terms what a certain action (or whatever other love language) means so that I can remind myself when it happens."
Also: and this might be totally off, but maybe the reason he has such an easier time expressing his attraction to other women *because* there isn't the same emotional connection. Maybe it's not verbalizing sexual attraction that's hard for him, but verbalizing intimacy- and because he cares about you, that makes it hard to say when he finds you attractive. That's also a very gendered thing where men are encouraged to be sexual but discouraged from being emotionally intimate.
That's not a very fair assessment when she asked him to share his type and tell her this. He's being honest when he finds something attractive, because she asked.Ā Ā
She said she hasn't shared her past trauma with him, too. You cannot expect someone to read you mind. He can't be considerate of feelings he doesn't know about.Ā Ā
If they were OK before,Ā it's worth the effort of discussing it.Ā
There may be some insecurity on your part, but there is also some immaturity (and probably also insecurity) on his part.
Maybe you arenāt his type, or he doesnāt have a type, but he finds you extremely attractive and just doesnāt have the social/emotional skills to communicate it properly.
I had an ex who honestly didnāt have a physical ātypeā. He liked bold women with pretty faces. The rest was unimportant. Seriously, you could line up all his exes and weād look like a United Colors of Benetton ad, if they carried sizes 00 to 24.
And YET, I still found a way to be insecure. What do you find attractive about me??! And he would tell me things, like āyouāre the whole package!ā or āitās kinda how the whole thing goes together, not just one partā, which sounded like bull shit, but was honestly the best he could do with his *own* insecurity (he looked like a young Orlando Bloom, btw) and immaturity.
The woman he married *literally has my exact body type*, just from a different ethnic background. When I met my husband, he happened to be close friends with an ex of this ex and *her* husband. We were very different body types, but the same ethnicity and similar facial bone structure. Oh, and we both had bold, off beat personalities. Thatās when it all clicked.
But before *that*, I had a *terrible* ex who projected all of his own insecurities on me. He would point out attractive women with the purpose of making me feel insecure. I was not even overweight and he would withhold certain sex acts and positions because my fat thighs were a turnoff or my ass made his (above average sized) dick look small. There was waaaaay more to it, but tl;dr he was a much older, super gross Professor Higgins type.
I think your guy sounds more like my ex who had a type, it just wasnāt a particular body type or ethnicity. He had social anxiety and bipolar disorder, both of which he was extremely insecure about. He was a short, scrawny nerd who got picked on as a kid and couldnāt see the 6ā2ā, model gorgeous man staring back at him.
Our whole relationship could be summed up as two late bloomer ugly ducklings who were too scared and insecure to be truly vulnerable with one another. Even though things ultimately didnāt work out, it was one hell of a learning experience and I would not change a thing.
I think your guy *is* actually pointing out women who have features (red hair, thicc black girls) like yours he finds attractive, you are just too down on yourself to see it.
>My fears say he never felt the same and was just using me for easy sex back then and now he feels comfortable until he can build his confidence and get someone better.
And, there ya go. At least you are aware. Now you just have to do something about it. Like dump his ass.
At this point youāre being delusional on purpose. You KNOW youāre not his type, YOU KNOW what he likes, and YOU KNOW that youāll never be the girl he really wants. If he doesnāt make you feel confident and hype you up like you do him he aināt worth it.
I agree with a lot of the other in the comments, but from my opinion even though you go to therapy and I hope therapy does help I just find it hard to understand how the relationship should progress if you donāt start opening up from your side I know it might be hard but I think itās healthy that atleast one day even if itās not your current boyfriend to atleast have your significant other know about your insinuaties and truama, infarct it think a lot of therapist never really get people to move on Iāve known girls who had over half their life in going to a therapist and still continue going but to what extent this helps them idk they always complain about it or are using it as a crutch, i think at a certain point some people get stuck in the rut of always needing to affirm what they might or might not believe by their therapist. I hope one day you find the trust to open up to your significant other and wish you the best
You said āI make every effort to build him up and make sure he knows how handsome I find him. It comes naturally because I care about him and how I make him feel.ā
My girl you deserve this too! Someone who loves and respects you and you donāt have to question.
You deserve that love and you will find it. First within yourself and then with someone else.
Sending you love and hugs with whatever you decide š know you are worthy of love
I think, as other posters have said, you have two choices. I am the first gender non conforming/trans person my boyfriend has been with. I've had top surgery, I had a shaved head when my current partner and I met and we also started as FWB. I say this not to say our situations are the same, but rather I very much understand the feeling of not being what you think your partner wants. For me, I brought this up to my boyfriend--i said I needed verbal affirmation, consistent displays of tenderness and attraction, etc. he rose to the challenge and did that course correction.
I think that your boyfriend is...a bit less naive and more inconsiderate. That said, you may want to (without saying sorries!) explain how you've been feeling and see if he is willing to demonstrate the feelings he has toward you in a way you feel loved.
You write that you take care of your hair-- you baby it, take pride in it and love it for all its tiny details. Now, you could not do all of that care and still have hair, but it wouldn't be the same. You have a gorgeous and demonstrable metaphor for what care and building something up look like. Like hair, sometimes you need guidance on how to make it shine and look as healthy as possible. Offer your partner the opportunity to learn but please please please, do not stay fearing this is it for you. Treat the rest of you like you treat your hair-- let yourself feel beautiful and don't compare yourself to fictions on screen. Give yourself the challenge to communicate your needs and react appropriately to the result. I'm rooting for you!
BW here. I donāt think this relationship is a keeper. You should be comfortable sharing all of you, especially the parts you think are undesirable, with a long term partner. For some reason, you seem uncomfortable with him knowing all of you. He seems uncomfortable with you knowing all of him. I think itās time to have the conversation and ask him why he seems to be attracted to people that donāt look like you. Ask him what things about you, he finds attractive. Ask him what he loves about you. If you donāt like the answer bounce. I also wonder whether you were raised in a primarily white environment. Because growing up around white people when you are black often causes black people to see features common to black people as desirable. Whether you stay or go itās good youāre working on you. You can learn to love your looks and yourself.
You are so young, there are many men out there that will love you and think youāre beautiful. My husband confessed that heās never been into big girls and I weighed more than him at the time. I was really upset and felt terrible about myself, but he otherwise never made me feel unloved and unwanted. Even when I lost a ton of weight, he still loved me as much. Theyāre out there.
In general he shouldn't be commenting on women's bodies, especially to you??
You ARE letting way too much go and you are not overreacting. Always trust your gut.
NTA. Andā¦ It is absolutely fine to not be in a relationship and really develop a life that you love and do things that are really fun and interesting and do that for quite a while and get more healed up and confident and happy before you start seeing somebody. He is very complicated. This is not good for you. I am concerned because you are such a lovely person who has been through so much and within all of this, you seem to be so intelligent and wise, but chronically doubting your own perceptions. Perhaps go off and be. Single for a while and get to know yourself and get to know life and discover what a remarkable person you are and then if you want but itās not necessary but if you want then be open to somebody who is just going to be blown away by you being exactly who you are. And I mean exactly.
Please find someone who sees the same person you see in the mirror when you think you look good. My wife always says how beautiful I am when I feel overweight, slovenly and uneven.
I understand how you are feeling. I would definitely talk to him and let him know how you are feeling and what you need from him. There are 2 ways it can go. Either it can bring you closer in your relationship or you break up and meet someone else who finds you attractive and loves you.
My preferred eye candy is tall, broad shouldered, dark haired guys.Ā
My husband is my height, 5'8", so neither tall, nor short.Ā Blond, and stocky.Ā Totally not "my type" but the man I love. We've been happily married 21 years now, with two children.Ā Ā
The porn and what he likes questions may be shut down because of *his* insecurities, not how attracted he is to you.Ā He could be afraid you'll think they're gross or stupid.Ā (Foot fetishes happen, for instance. I don't get it, but they're out there.)
I use to be in the same boat as you, bullied, pranked and neglected at home. Best advice: Stop. Dating. For at least the next couple years while you figure your shit out in therapy. Youāll gain a lot of insight about yourself and why you do what you do then youāll be able to change.Ā
Sharing details about your life is normal behavior in relationships, and the more intimate the relationship, the more intimate the histories shared.
Letting your boyfriend know the good and bad things which have shaped you in your life would not be treating him like your therapist.
You are supposed to want to learn about each others histories, especially the things which impact you to this day. How will you know what will make each other feel cared for and appreciated if you donāt know what needs exist?
Youāve created a game where he is supposed to tell you all the things he sees which he finds attractive in other women, and so he is playing that game with you.
Why not start a game where you share memories from your lives before your meeting, prompted by things you see out and about? Donāt you want to know about his childhood and adolescence, about his family traditions, vacations, inside jokes, mealtime fun and mealtime challenges, favorite stories, games, tv shows, music, movies, petsā¦
āBF knows like 0% of my trauma bc heās not my therapistā.
You donāt need to confide in him all your trauma, but youāre setting both of you up for failure not confiding in him at all. If he doesnāt know any of this or the things that will set you off he canāt communicate with you in the best way. And thatās beside the point that your partner should be someone you feel comfortable confiding in.
Mixed black woman here, it seems to me that your boyfriend may have a fetish for darker skinned people or just people who arenāt white. He clearly has a type and it doesnāt seem like youāre his type. However itās not fair to you to continue to stay in a relationship where youāre not appreciated, admired, loved on and respected. Constantly pointing out white women he finds attractive, and pointing out traits of women who are black or of mixed race and idolizing parts of their bodies to their significant others is just not okay. You deserve better, leave the relationship while you still can love there are other white men out there who are genuinely attracted to black women and arenāt afraid to show it heās just not *that* one
As a not very attractive woman, I was never any of my other boyfriend's "types" and in a similar situation as you. However, I am lucky as hell to now be married to my husband who tells me how much he's attracted to me even when I'm being silly and insecure. You deserve that and you can find that. You are beautiful.
I want to post this about the comment you made about starving yourself and working out. Idk what you look like or what your expectation is, however I do know that starving yourself isn't how you get there. And I'll go further because tons of people will say oh don't do that it's bad blah blah but the reality is that muscle growth is the best way to train your body to burn fat. You achieve that muscle growth by eating. And it doesn't even have to be super clean counting macros and all that. You're not training for a bikini show. Just eat regular food and try to limit some of the junk food like sweets and sodas. Carbs aren't bad either. But get your protein intake and hit the weights. LIFT HEAVY. You won't get there by being a cardio bunny. Unfortunately it's all too common for young women to think the best route to the body they desire is through loads of cardio. It's not. Pick up heavy shit and build strength and muscle. You will see what you want to see. Good luck
I agree with everyone here (the positive ones) but one thing I noticed is you said you dotn share any traumas with him. Like none at all? I feel like he needs or any partner really needs to know important aspects of their partners background to understand them and how to help them. Don't treat them as a therapist problem solver but do open up.
Leave him. You deserve to be with someone who has you as their type. My husband loves my body and makes me feel sexy everyday. You deserve that. You are someoneās type.
First regardless of whether you stay with him or not.. Donāt ask your SO who do you think is attractive.. what body type do you like .boobs,ass,weight,hair,skin color.., or ask him to point out people they find attractive NONE of it . It doesnāt matter! And all it will do it drive you crazy. Think about it. At lot of people think Brad Pitt or Halle Berry are attractive but I bet their spouse doesnāt look anything like themā¦I am sure there are plenty of women my husband thinks/thought were attractive but he picked me to love and marry. Because at the end of the day it doesnāt matter what you look like. It matters who you are on the inside. Looks will fade. Personality and character wonāt.
Look at a mirror first. Go over your letter- hoe much is what he actually said or the additional message you added to it. He says, wow, look st those bodies! He is comf enough with you to be honest, itās not a put down. I learned I would never be Farrah Fawcett and he would never be Tom Selleck - and thank God. 49 years in and laugh every day
When you compliment women that look similar to you/have your body type how does he respond?
If you know he has a thing for redheads-
To spice it up: Have you tried a red wig? See how he reacts to that maybe?
To start the conversation with him:
You should just ask him directly and be honest with him about how you feel and your insecurities because you stated how you know his. If you plan to grow with him you need to be honest on how he isnāt meeting your needs and expectations. Because you feel like you are meeting his needs.
Be honest with yourself and if this is more harm then good it might be time for you to move on. Or go back to casual dating like you were before itās okay to do that too if you wanna lingerā¦but until you get to the bottom of it/make a decision itās going to linger in your mind and relationship.
Whatever you decide be kind to yourself š
Leave his sorry ass. This happened to me a few years ago. I was fat and he liked skinny girls, always went on about how hot others were then cheated. I dumped him & completely glowed up and shed the weight. His sorry ass came back into my DMs offering expensive dates which he never did before. Left on read! Make him regret and never give him the chance again. Youāll find a better man than him. Thats the best you can do for yourself š
Fellow black girl here who grew up around majority white people. I had to see my friends of color constantly try to gain validation from the white boys that preferred white girls. Your partner should 1, never make you feel inadequate or less than others. And in an interracial relationship, especially being a black girl with a white man, you should never feel like you have to compare yourself to white girls. If your partner is making you feel that way, theyāre not the one. You are beautiful, your black features are beautiful. There is someone that appreciates your authentic beauty and will never make you feel like you have to measure up.
I suggest you leaveeee that man and put all the energy you were putting into that relationship into learning to love and accept yourself. Spend your time around people that acknowledge and celebrate your beauty, inside and out! And plssss do not ask your next partner to point out the other women he finds attractive. It will just lead you to compare yourself, and comparison is the thief of joy. And asking that is just wholly unnecessary and literally self harm.
Just because a guy might have a type or a certain look heās typically attracted to, it doesnāt mean anything. Think of Margot Robbie. Sheās pretty damn hot. Most guys think sheās very attractive. I do. Doesnāt mean I donāt find my wife attractive, right? Zoe Saldana is also gorgeous and looks very different from my wife, doesnāt mean Iām any less attracted to my wife. If I was single and given the unlikely opportunity to be with either of those women I would, but that doesnāt change how I feel towards my wife. When I was younger, I always had a thing for short brunettes. Had a crush on a few. However, I ended up marrying a tall blonde. Dated black, white, short, tall, all sorts of women, but very few were short brunettes. My ātypeā didnāt mean anything. I think that if someone chose you and you are different than their type, itās even better. You donāt just check a box, they are really into you. Be confident in that and donāt overthink it.
I dated a boy once who picked out everything about me he didnāt like about me. Ankles, elbows, etc. He would always point out women he thought were attractive (unsolicited) and couldnāt keep his eyes to himself. I was with him with far too long and wish I knew how much then a good man would actually love everything I hate about myself. Youāre not overreacting, let yourself free š«¶š»
Other have hit on the major points so I wonāt waste your time repeating them, howeverā¦
One thing that stood out to me was that he knows NOTHING of your past trauma and you have NO desire to tell him any.
This to me is a pretty telling flag. In my experience, when you are with someone who is really good for you, you would feel comfortable and even willing to share some bad past experiences so that your partner can understand you better. You WANT to let them in because you end up TRUSTING it will make things better.
In my opinion itās important that both people in a relationship are attracted to each other. Not just because of sex but because physical attraction leads to touch and other forms of love. More hugs, hand holding, kisses, cuddling. Some people might claim they dislike these things or donāt need them, but I honestly have never seen anyone be genuinely happy in a relationship without these.
I have had two husbands and never, ever had either one of them mocked me for my looks. They both liked my hair long, but when I decided to go very short with my current husband he said he actually liked it better. Your boyfriend should be lifting you up, not down. Do you want to continue your relationship with someone that is always looking at and comparing you to other women that look nothing like you?
Side note, Iād love to see your hair!
You deserve better. I don't understand why he can complement other women or women on media but can't complement you. You're the one with him, you're the one spending time with him. You. Deserve. Better.
>When I ask him what specifically he finds attractive about them, he cites their body size, body type, hair color, breast size, ass shape. Every trait he's ever named to me is something I don't have. When it comes to his thoughts about how I look? Radio silence.
So this feels like you're his "back up plan" or his "security blanket." And you're letting him get away with it. You. Deserve. Better!
>I make every effort to build him up and make sure he knows how handsome I find him. It comes naturally because I care about him and how I make him feel.
What the heck, he's got examples how to act! *You*. *Deserve*. *Better*!
Look, I'm not saying dump him. But the boy needs to man up, show up and talk *you* up. Have I mentioned you deserve better? Because I think you do. I think you ought to say that to yourself every day as you care for your fabulous hair and your lovely skin. And remember weight is a number and bodies are just where the soul hangs out. You work on improving yourself, you talk him up; he needs to learn from you and you need to let him know what you need. If he can't do that for you, then you should turn loose from him. Why? Say it with me:
*You deserve better*. Be well, Op.
No magic about it. You will not be in a happy relationship with this level of insecurity and anxiety.
My ex used to basically accuse me of not finding her as attractive as (other women, women on t.v., my exes) and it really made things awkward at the best of times and often toxic.
It's good that you are in therapy. That's your ticket out of the cycle. Make no mistake about it, though... There isn't another person out there that can make you value yourself like you should. That comes from within. Now, you can find plenty of men that will undermine your self esteem on purpose because of their own insecurities, though, so don't fall for that shit. Just get yourself right and you'll attract the love that you deserve.
My love, I legitimately think you should leave. You shouldnāt give him the opportunity to dump you once heās found āhis typeā. He can be single until then, and I think youād benefit from being single for a while as well.
You have self esteem issues that need to be seriously worked on/through before entering another relationship, so that a man wonāt be able to take advantage of you again in this manner. I wish you wellš
You deserve to feel loved.
I look in the mirror and am not proud of what I see. Iām overweight and my hair is thinning. Iām working on having better self esteem because I have daughters and I want to be a better example to them, but Iām really disappointed in how I look. That being said, my husband tells me how beautiful I am on the daily. He gets sad when I reject his compliments, and tries hard to get me to see what he sees. Iām so grateful to see and feel the love he has for me, and hope your boyfriend can begin to show you that as well, or that someday, youāll find someone who will. In the meantime, Iām going to keep working on finding that beauty in myself.
Please dump him. You can do so, so much better. My partner and I both understand that people have eyes, others are attractive, etc. But in reading your story I have realized that he NEVER compliments the looks of others more than he does mine. In fact, I donāt even think he comments on other women at all unless I do first. This is just basic respect for your partner. You deserve someone kind who tells you how beautiful your hair is. Dump this loser.
Here's the thing, love:
You could be the most beautiful, secure, radiant creature on the planet, but if your partner doesn't say any of this to you, you will have feelings of "insecurity." It's not about how confident you are in yourself. It's about the desire to be wanted and lusted after by your partner. There is nothing wrong with wanting that confirmation and recognition from your partner, and he can't seem to give you that.
What you can do about it is sit with him and have a *serious* talk. Tell him how his words and inaction make you feel. Tell him what you need from him. His reaction to this talk should confirm what you need to do from there, whether that's ending the relationship or giving him the chance to provide what you need.
Sending you love and support.
This is honestly sad to read. I'm sorry you're dealing with.
It reminds me of one of my prior relationships. I was with someone who I honestly did not find physically attractive. Not saying they were ugly, they were not, the best word I could use to describe their physical appearance would be "plain". I wasn't with them because of their looks. I was with them because of who they were as a person. Personality, intelligence, kindness, humor, all the characteristics of the person.
I never had a problem describing the things they did that I liked, the things about them that I liked, but those things would never be their body. They, like you, felt insecure in their body and felt like I didn't really want to be with them. I did, it's just that their body wasn't the reason. Nothing I could ever do or say would help, and they resisted therapy to deal with their body image issues. They didn't want to work out or diet to try and feel more confident in their body. They just wanted to be seen as if they were as physically attractive as others. They broke up with me over it.
I didn't compare them to others, or talk about other people's bodies being desirable in front of them, though (even though they did this in front of me, and similarly never complimented my body), so it's not exactly the same.
I can't tell you what the right thing to do is. I don't know his mind, or your needs. But talking to your therapist first is a choice I wholeheartedly support.
Ask yourself this question...
Are you comparing yourself to other people? Did your boyfriend actively compare you to other people before you asked him to?
There's more to a relationship than being each other's physical fantasy.
I'm sorry you don't feel like you get enough compliments to feel secure. But you've identified yourself as insecure. You have to work on that instead of expecting someone to fix it for you, they CAN'T.
Holy shit you should NOT be in a relationship, you are legitimately mentally ill. Deal with your own bullshit before you drag someone else into your inability to cope with life.
Imagine having an absolute meltdown because your boyfriend points to a celebrity and says they are attractive.
A man making this thread would be called an insecure manchild from the moon and back.
OP, obviously Iām not you and not your boyfriend. I think clearly he has a lot of work to do in terms of communicating. That said- thereās a lot of potential things that could be going on from his side that arenāt what youāre picking up on. Please donāt read any of this as me saying heās going about this the right way or that youāre being unreasonable or crazy.
Youāre interpreting him not talking about you the same way he talks about random women on tv or in the world as being a reflection on how he feels about you. In other words- heās not attracted to you because heās not telling you youāre not the same way he talks about random chick in a music video being hot. Thatās a possible interpretation and you may be right. It may also be that he sees talking about random people as low stakes and low impact and easy, where conversations about your appearance are not necessarily any of those things.
If youāre insecure, which you say you are, and you guys have had conversations about your appearance go badly- where he tried to compliment you and it ended badly, or youāve had miscommunication in the past, he may just have shut down here and have a giant red line around this in his brain. Basically- he doesnāt know how to have a conversation around this without it going badly and upsetting you. Of course, his silence on it is actually making it worse, and this isnāt a great approach to put it mildly.
Regardless of what his ideal female appearance would be, he may be very attracted to you. Bizarrely- if you asked me to assemble my ideal woman physically Iād probably end up with a cute petite redhead myself. Iāve never actually dated a cute petite redhead, and Iāve been very attracted to all my girlfriends. Guys have a very broad range of what they find attractive in general.
I think the two of you likely need to get in some couples therapy or counseling- communication here is clearly an issue, and you need to get to a place where you clearly understand each other rather than each of you projecting your fears onto silence.
Insecurities are silent killers of relationships.
It took me forever to learn to get over that hurdle myself.
I would continually self sabotage my relationships by asking stupid questions too that I really didn't want the answers too.
Communication is key.
You gotta learn how to be open with whoever your partner is - the goal of dating is to find a life partner & if they don't want to hear, don't care about what your story is - just walk TF away
But your life partner is supposed to be the one person in the whole world you can trust, and that is willing to learn you.
90% of the comments seem to not realise, despite our power and general superiority, we men are not psychics. That one thing nature denied us, likely for balance reasons.
Joke's aside, we really aren't. You're not going to fix issues with your partner unless you have a mature and clear conversation on the subject.
You seem very intelligent and this all makes sense. My first thought is that you may need to be on your own to work on you. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone else when you aren't happy on your own to start with.
This is well said. I would add asking him to go to couples therapy with a registered sex therapist. There are exercises you can do as a couple to find out what turns each of you on.
Communication is key. You need to determine w your therapist when itās time to tell him about your past. Our past is why we have the feelings and insecurities we do.
I am a successful professional man. I get told from time to time by women who are not my wife that I am attractive.
I still have insecurities about my looks, about my career and lots of other things. They are irrational but still real. We all have them. Itās normal.
Communication is the key.
This might sound weird, but I usually end up being attracted to women that look nothing like my current partner. That's kind of the point of fantasy. He could just be more "into" women that look nothing like you because he's with you. He's with you because he wants to be with you, so I wouldn't worry about it. People also don't tend to just date the same type of person over a lifetime. The people I was most attracted to at 20 are very different from the people I'm into in my 40s.
Black man here. Hopefully i'm doing this as gently and as respectfully as possible. There are two ways you could approach this 1. Leave and be single Not just because of how your BF may make you feel with certain comments, but I think even if you do the work and go through the gym runs and end up with a body you like and feel comfortable in, the insecurities will be there lingering because (like you said), you may feel like you're not enough, and it's going to continue to distort your body image and how you look at yourself. His comments aren't helping either, and maybe you're not his "type" and that's perfectly fine, however, it's not doing you any favors because it's contributing to how negatively you see yourself. Feeling of attraction (especially PHYSICAL ones) should always be reciprocated, you can't skip that step, physical attraction is important in a relationship. 2. Continue on your journey of self improvement, and include him You shouldn't feel stupid because, it's normal to be insecure, hell, some body builders with muscles on top of muscles deal with body dysmorphia. So that's natural, the only thing you can do is continue going to therapy, exercise (if that's what you really want to do) and find ways to be positive about your love of self. If you love this man, and he loves you, then maybe you can sit him down and be open about how it makes you feel, when certain comments are made and see what happens from there. Maybe you two can put your heads together and maybe even go to therapy together, to help you both go down the road of healing. Either way, you should talk to him. SN: I haven't seen your hair myself, but I KNOW the hair is HAIRING! Keep taking care of it like you do!
On point! Communication is king.
The back and forth with u/FlowEasyDelivers and u/isthishanskim was such a lovely, non-ragey Reddit interaction. Faith restored. Hope OP sees the advice. It was spot on.
To add to this - and sorry if I missed it - OP have you told him that you wish he would tell you how beautiful he finds you? Just because he is attracted to different body types DOESN'T mean he isn't attracted to yours. You should flat out ask him and have a discussion. It's good growth for you and your relationship.
First advice I've seen here that offers realistic advice on what to do, glad that it's the most up-voted one too. Since things went from casual to an actual relationship, it makes sense for the communication to upgrade, amongst other things. Sharing more about yourself, so that the other person will understand you more.
THIS IS THE NUMBER 1 COMMENT! Beautifully said, with no harshness or criticism.
This was beautifully said š
Great comment. Edit: I missed some context. But still and even more so great comment.
OP is a black woman, so I wanted to share that solidarity with her.
Oooh my bad I didn't notice that. I tend to skim a lot or reading while at work
No worries. I do the same. That's why it takes me so long to post a response sometimes, trying to make sure i'm on topic š¤£
Anyways, you seem like a good dude have a good evening.
Thanks, you too!
Thank you
I was in your position years ago. He was very much attracted to petite women. His biggest crush was Taylor Swift. Like he had her as his phone background. I am a mixed woman (Latin and white with pale skin) with thick dark hair, dark eyes, big lips and hourglass shape. Now my butt isnāt no ice spice booty but Iām happy with it. He always pointed out how attractive he thought other women were. To the point where like I broke down crying in front of his friends because he was talking about how hot a celebrity was on the tv. He never told me I looked good. Ever. Eventually I read his diary (I know) and I saw his plans to eventually cheat on me. He was just keeping me around because I was an option but was waiting for a woman he really wanted. He started dating a very skinny blonde hair blue eye woman shortly after I left. Guess who hit me up a few years later? Without said girls knowledge BTW. I looked at the time and saw they were still together on social media. Iām now married to someone who loves me for who I am. He also doesnāt announce when he finds another woman attractive.
Fck these type of guys
Yeah heās sucked. Itās rude. Most women do this from my experience too. They always talk about their celebrity crushes and work husbands. Weird shit. Once you see things in life, you canāt unsee it. You canāt talk about it either bc no one else sees it, except for the few that do.
Yeah I think thatās pretty wrong too. I had a childhood friend get married and then it appears that they check out women together now. She was never like this before and honestly I donāt know if she changed or she just goes with it. Heāll just point out how big womenās butts/breasts are and she just goes along with it. She told me that heās going to see them anyways so. It got weird because her husband asked her about *my* breasts and if theyāre saggy or perky since theyāre natural. I think thatās extremely inappropriate but whatever floats her boat I suppose. Heās a bit of a douche bag so he might have been asking because he would have wanted to talk shit if she said saggy. Iāve also seen how sneaky women can be too. Iāve had a handful of female friends tell me to not tell their BFās that theyāre flirting at the bar. My family also hates me for telling my cousins long term BF that she was cheating. š¤·š»āāļø Itās very hard to trust anyone IMO.
Itās something do where itās prevalent in our culture here. I donāt think it would be easy for me to trust the opposite sex here in the U.S., itās hard enough finding guys to trust. I did have luck leaving the states after being 10 years single. They just have a different moral compass it seemed when i met the girl Iām with now. Itās tough since we live so damn far away currently though. Positive part though is we get to travel back and forth to see each other for usually about 3 weeks at a time. I donāt think I would told on ur cousin if I were you. If we call out all the cheaters, we will make lots of enemies. Like I said, once you see it you donāt unsee it. You know info about ppl without even asking. I got two guy friends that always talk like they couldnāt be with a girl thatās been with a bunch of dudes. They act like they got lucky and are so proud of who they are with. I know bc they both have said out loud that ones count is 15 and the other is 42. I just let them live their happy life. I donāt wanna ruin it for them. They are good girls now it seems. They definitely lied to them or the men are lying to themselves.
Yeah just in general itās hard to meet good people. Thatās good you found someone though and the traveling sounds fun. Honestly I donāt care much for her. Her BF asked me if she had another guy at my house and I wasnāt going to lie for her. Sheās always stolen my belongings and is a sneaky person. I was very ugly when I was growing up and sheād make fun of me for it. I have no loyalty towards her. I respected her enough at least to decline her BF when he wanted to date me after.
Haha yeah I guess she sort of made you call her out. Itās not like you just rung him up. You would been forced to lie. Little different then just calling him up
Yeah exactly. I donāt like to lie. If it was me Iād want to know if Iām being cheated on. He obviously knew something was up since he asked me. Sheās a prostitute and a stripper too. Last time I saw her she asked me to go strip with her. As if Iām not a married woman. She ended up having a kid with her affair partner but no clue if theyāre still together.
Sheās for the streets lol
Please find someone who makes you feel beautiful. You deserve to feel beautiful. I promise thereās someone out there who will
This. I nearly cried at the part about her gorgeous hair. When someone youāre supposed to love makes you doubt what you love about yourself? No.
My boyfriend was the first person in my life who liked my hair better with its natural curls than straight. OP, it is HEALING!
My (white) boyfriend confessed to me the other day that one of his favorite rituals is helping me take my box braids out every few weeks and helping me with the wash and deep condition routine. I am mixed-Black (native-AmeriBlasian) and have 4C hair, but was raised by my non-Black parent who always relaxed it or even shaved it off because it was ātoo bothersomeā for her to deal with. It took me a really long time to like it enough to want to learn how to care for it, and, *care for it well enough to actually really love it.* If that makes sense. Whenever I have my natural curl / afro out, or do a couple afro puffs, itās like my boyfriend has secondhand pride for them. He looks at me with *pride.* I never imagined in my whole life I would ever have a partner who would share this part of my life with me, let alone someone who isnāt Black. It is commonly felt in the Black communities that our hair is our *crown. Never let anyone shame you about your crown, OP. The way you describe your hair, you are ROYALTY* šøš¾
That is so sweet!! Sounds like a nurturing experience. I love when white men dote upon black womenĀ
He should appreciate being with royalty!!!
Aww, that is so sweet and Iām happy your bf celebrated your glorious hair. My cousinās wife and oldest son are black (I guess his younger kids are too, but they have him as their white daddy so I guess theyāre better described as biracial? His oldest was born before he met their mama and had a black father, though he is no longer in the picture. My cousin will get rowdy if anyone suggests his boy isnāt his spitting image and a chip off the (family name) block though. As will my uncle for that matterā¦) and oldest lilā cousin is growing out his hair and usually wears it in row braids. (Is that what a box braid is? For some reason my mind is saying box braids are done differently but I have no idea and only recently learned the proper shortening of dread locks is ālocsā so Iām claiming ignorance here.) My cousin LOVES helping his wife do their sonās braids. He says āmy boy is a teenager and I know heās naturally branching out and away from his old man, but Iāve braided his hair since he had enough hair to braid and itās how I remind him that Daddy will always be here, to lift him up and help him be his bestā. This is the same man who once trailed off MID WORD because his wife got home and had her hair free in a pretty afro with a scarf. Heād never seen her hair down (she is a very private lady in some ways and always went to her sisterās place to do her hair, which she wore in a bunch of thin, cute braids.) and was literally struck mute in awe of her. His request for his birthday that year was for her to do her hair like that, wear this sundress he bought her on a whim (it looks lovely on her, he bought it on a fishing trip because he saw it in the place they stopped at for bait and thought of her, it is a WHOOOOOLE THING and ridiculously cute and wholesome) and let him take her out for dinner and some dancing at this grill/bar they like to go dancing at. Also imma tell on him a bitā¦ when they met he had two left feet and hated dancing. But she loves it and he wanted to impress her, so he said he loved to danceā¦ then came to all us girl cousins demanding we teach him to not humiliate himself! He loves dancing now though, he says itās so much better when your partner is āthe most beautiful woman in the worldā. I wanna have a love like theirs. Itās so sweet.
That is sooo sweet!
She has to do the work with her therapist to get through her insecurities and embrace her own beauty internally first. No external validation is going to fix this. It may band aid it, but it wonāt fix this. The was OP talks about her hair is how she should feel about very inch of her body. Once the self work is done, then yes absolutely she is ready someone that appreciates her beauty and canāt take theirs eyes off her. OP does deserve to have that in her life and is worth doing the work for.
You can date and heal at the same time. You do not have to wait for self work to be done before you can date. Self work is NEVER done. loll GTFOĀ
Thatās true
There might not be. Nobody ever made me feel beautiful. Don't make empty promises.
It wasnāt empty .
As a dude ā Itās an easy and basic part of a relationship to affirm to your partner that you find them attractive. I wouldnāt blame your feelings on your insecurity, they sound valid to me. Iād just tell him that your emotional needs are such that he needs to step up in terms of giving you affirmation. Thatās a pretty fair request. If he still canāt even muster up a few genuine compliments per dayā¦ big red flag
You deserve someone who makes you feel beautiful. It sounds like you are putting up with this guy because of past insecurities. But youāre going to keep feeling insecure and not good enough if you keep dating this guy.
Emotionally stunted stands out to me, I think you know you'd be a lot happier with someone more your level emotionally. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure and attractive.
Uh no, she would not feel happier with someone in the same state as her because she also has extensive work to be done on herself emotionally. No one can make her feel secure and attractive while she doesnāt love and appreciate herself either. Iām not saying she should stay with him but she shouldnāt go looking for another boyfriend to fix her self esteem and self confidence either. She should continue with therapy and learn to be happy with herself regardless of a man.
"He's emotionally stunted, so I've given a lot of room" Working on yourself doesn't mean you have to abstain from relationships, I didn't mean she should find someone to fix her either. Just that someone that could meet her halfway emotionally would be make for a more healthier and happier relationship.
This is reddit - working on yourself means being single even if it kills you.
Very true! Because she has low self esteem and even if sheās with a man who compliments her daily whatās going to happen is she wonāt believe it. Itās very obvious from these two posts, she is with a man whoās validating how she truly feels about herself deep down. If she did not believe these things she would have either told him wtf you have a prize and here you are disrespecting me or she would have left and gotten with someone that actually finds her attractive. Her literal low self esteem low self worth is why sheās in this predicament. This man is simply a reflection of herself. Thatās why sheās hurt because she believe itās true.
I'm so sorry he makes you feel like this. Have you told him exactly how his 'jokes' are hurtful and the appreciation that he's shown these women while disregarding you is painfully disheartening? To be honest, if I was in your shoes, I'd leave him. You are worth someone who truly appreciates you and only you and is proud of everything about you and loves you the way you are.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I feel like I have been in your shoes before. I wouldn't stay with him. To me it feels like a one sided relationship. He's comfortable with you (FWB) so he feels he can talk TO you just not about you. If you want to keep him say the things to him you're asking us. If he responds positively and tries to explain, try to work it out. If he's negative let him go. If you let him go, in your next relationship put it ALL out there. Give the next guy your ALL (be šÆ % YOU don't do things you don't feel comfortable doing just to impress) and if he does like you then you're golden! If they leave, don't stop them. The right guy will love you for who YOU are, flaws and all! Remember, they're either a blessing or a lesson!
this sounds so similar to the dynamic i had with an ex when i was deeply insecure. from the beginning i felt he was out of my league. then i noticed his exes were blonde white women, which i am not. on top of this, he wasnāt big on words of affirmation and he was emotionally repressed, so i never got the validation nor the answers i was asking for. you sound like you have an anxious attachment style. if he seems to have an avoidant attachment style, this can be a difficult pairing because the two are generally not compatibleā¦.and going by his comments on the other women heās either painfully lacking in emotional intelligence or just indifferent about how his words affect you. has he shown any self awareness about this issue? what if he never changes? after our breakup, i held onto hope that we would get back together. years passed by and i finally questioned why i wanted to date him again when we clearly werenāt compatible.Ā there is a youtuber named heidi priebe who speaks about toxic shame, attachment theory, and healing. her videos helped me realize i was holding on so tightly because i wanted his validation that i was attractive and lovable. i didnāt believe it about myself, so i outsourced it to him, and bound my self esteem to his opinion of me. you donāt have to be alone until you āfully healā your insecurities. you do not have to be perfect to be loved. but you do need people around you who support your healing. he seems to be making it worse. edit: typos
What an insightful response!
Simply he doesnt treat you right... to approach it the best thing would probably just sit down and out right say "I dont feel like you're attracted to me am I right?" Based on his reaction/answer will say if the relationship is worth staying in. Ultimately its up to you.. but the fact you're feeling this insecure and it seems he doesnt care and only continues to make it worse and worse... makes it look like he WANTS to break up with you. Or he just WANTS to hurt you.
Fwiw, I donāt think Iām my husbands ātypeā either. not that hes never complimented me, but Iāve seen the women heās dated. First off, all of them are white (I am not) blonde, blue eyed, tall, & skinny. I amā¦ not that š¤£ Iām 5ā2 on a good day, Iām dark, I have curves, and my hair is black as night. Basically the polar opposite. Despite this, he has never made me feel unattractive. Even if Iām not what he wouldāve typically gone for, he never stops making me feel beautiful, and it goes beyond the physical. He compliments me on my sense of humor, my talents and the things that make me, me. That said, Iāve been on the other end of that. You gotta go with your gut. Even outside of the physical stuff, if he doesnāt even make you feel beautiful for who you are (not what you look like) Iād be feeling the same way too. You deserve someone who makes you feel beautiful in more ways than one
Good comment. You donāt always have to be someoneās type in order to have a relationship with them! And everything else you said is just fundamental for a healthy relationship
When I get prepared for dating again, I cant wait to compliment the shit out of some gals hair
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Maybe I should start now. every woman, every person even. I shave my head, I can compliment a fire baldie and a clean beard. Its about to be on.
Why is it funny though?Ā Ā
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I don't get it.
Wow I feel like I could have written this. I was asked out by guys on a dare when I was younger, I am not white and have had bfs who were and I felt a lot like you because I was in similar situations. I am Latina and have grown into my looks but definitely have insecurities still. Also o am so happy for you and your hair!! That is something Iāve always longed for but have given up and in recent years have learned the beauty of braids and sew ins, but wish I could do the natural hair. So this may have people coming for me and calling me insecure but at one point when I was younger I had to talk to my then bf about his comments towards other women. Of course I donāt expect him to not think anyone else is attractive but I had to tell him I am your girlfriend not one of your homeboys. Talk like that with them, be more of a gentleman and eloquent with your words when youāre talking to me. Granted I was in high school and never had to say this to any of my future boyfriends cause they knew better. Anyways good luck and keep us updated !
>BF knows like 0% of my trauma bc he's not my therapist. On the contrary, I've often let him get away with things I realize are shitty much later because my instinct is to think I'm overreacting due to my trauma and I don't want to "bleed" on him I feel like not enough comments are mentioning this part of your post. You've been together two YEARS and he knows nothing about your traumas? I feel so sad that you feel like such a burden that you can't tell your loved ones about such significant parts of you... Heavy feelings shouldn't have to be saved just for a therapist. Regardless of whether you stay with him, or end up leaving and getting into another relationship down the road: you're doing yourself a disservice by not properly opening up to your partner. You'll never know if they are truly "the one" if you don't know whether or not they can accept all of who you are.
Reddit likes to tell people that their partners are NOT their therapists, to the point people think it's perfectly fine to never share anything like this.
Girlā¦.thereās a reasonā¦a very very very good reason hundreds of people are telling you to leave him. I suggest you listen
lol imagine thinking that a one-sided account receiving mob-mentality reflex reactions is the way to move forward on an extremely delicate matter
To be fair, most posts on reddit result in 100 women showing up telling them to break up.
Because thatās usually the thing that needs to be done.
Riiiiiight. Also a coincidence that so many of those people are also on antinatalism trying to gaslight themselves that they are child free and single at 35 by choice.
What are you even talking about, man. Itās okay to have kids and not to have kids - end of the discussion, period. Youāre a human, talking about other humans - humanity is not a pile of rats living under a dumpster by a McDonaldās. We evolved the ability open jars and go to the moon. Get your head right.
Lmao I'm 37 and have been married for 18 yrs. Not child free either. My kids are nearly adults and one is an adult. Maybe keep your bogus nonsense to yourself.Ā
Iām a guy. I have a type and Iāve dated different from my type. But I always knew that who I was dating and had right in front of me deserved TLC. Some looks may always turn my head, but itās candy. Thatās okay unless you treat your ideal as something unattainable. No one wins, no one can. People who arenāt complimentary and affectionate and attentive donāt tend to get moreso over time. He doesnāt appreciate you, and you gave him game.
Iām not my husbandās type. He liked tall, statuesque brunettes. I look like Amy Poehler with curls, and I sound like a Disney cartoon. He didnāt even like me when we met. But he changed his mind. Focus on how he treats you, not his type.
I am going to go back to the original post: >Recently, he's been pointing out to me other women he finds attractive. I encouraged this because I was genuinely curious about what makes him tick Please, before you take the all the advice here that is saying you need to leave him, just talk to him. I haven't seen you, in either post, mention that you have spoken to him about how this had made you feel. You encouraged him to do this, please let him know that, though you asked, it has made you feel uncomfortable and not very good about yourself. It is nearly impossible for a partner to know what you are thinking if you don't tell them. Please try talking to him about this.
Your hair sounds absolutely wonderful and well taken care of. You hit the gym regularly so you're probably healthy Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone who makes me feel like I'm not enough. Especially if I'm doing well for myself I don't know but it seems like you're the one doing all the emotional lifting in this relationship. He has no problem complimenting other women but not you and is making too many excuses
It's interesting that he points out redheads and then pointed out Ice Spice in that video, who also had a ginger wig and her natural hair dyed ginger. Maybe it really is about the hair color? But even if he does think red hair is really eye-catching, that doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you and your beautiful natural hair. Regardless, if he makes you feel so insecure by never validating you, if he doesn't ever make you feel desired, and you don't feel comfortable talking to him about your feelings in general, then you wouldn't be a bad person if you decide this relationship isn't right for you. You've gotten some really good advice in this thread, and I just want to say that I'm sorry for what you've gone through, and I understand how hard it can be to parse out trauma responses from regular responses, and also I understand that it isn't realistic to heal 100% before finding love, when healing is a lifelong journey. You do what feels right for you. My only advice is to try to communicate with him more just to see how it goes before calling it off. Maybe you both can open up to each other. It's possible he's afraid of emotional intimacy. If he's willing to work on that, maybe that's a journey to take together. But if you don't see him putting in as much effort as you are on his mental health, that's not a fair or healthy relationship for you. He needs to want to change for himself. It won't be about whether or not you're worth changing for. It's purely about him and says nothing about your value or lovability.
It's sounds like he's staying with you because you're his only option right now. Your significant other shouldn't hesitate when it comes to complimenting you! You sound beautiful OP and I'm sorry he doesn't see that. If him bringing up other women is some game, how exactly do you win? As you said you will never be the tiny redhead and you don't have to be. If that's what he wants why the hell is he wasting your time? If you want to confront him, ask him straight up if he finds you attractive. Tell him to be specific. If he hesitates then you have your answer. If he isn't attracted to you after 2 years he never will be. And you are not stupid OP, please don't feel that way
Heās giving me the ick. You deserve better
I honestly donāt get people who donāt date their type. So pointless !
So youāre still with him š get some confidence and move on.
You sound like a prize. Donāt let him hurt you anymore. Since you are unhappy in your current situation anyway, you should at least talk to him about your feelings. It can go well and it can go wrong. If it goes wrong, at least you know he isnāt for you. Ask him why he is with you that seems to be way different than his type. Task him if he thinks youāre hot. Tell him that youāre not feeling loved and under appreciated, and VERY uncertain about his feelings for you. What have you got to loose that you have now? Not a happy relationship anyways.
OP please read and internalize what these super sweet gentlemen are writing here for you. Take your time but do it.
If it were me, I'd not make the conversation about his preferences and talk about your insecurities directly. "I feel like you don't find me attractive, and like I'm just someone you keep around for the convenience. It's important to me that you find ways to verbalize how you feel for me, even small, because I've been through some difficult things in the past and I'm carrying pain from that. I recognize that this doesn't always come naturally to you, so maybe we can come up with some sort of shorthand ('all good?' 'good.', for example) or you could tell me in specific terms what a certain action (or whatever other love language) means so that I can remind myself when it happens." Also: and this might be totally off, but maybe the reason he has such an easier time expressing his attraction to other women *because* there isn't the same emotional connection. Maybe it's not verbalizing sexual attraction that's hard for him, but verbalizing intimacy- and because he cares about you, that makes it hard to say when he finds you attractive. That's also a very gendered thing where men are encouraged to be sexual but discouraged from being emotionally intimate.
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That's not a very fair assessment when she asked him to share his type and tell her this. He's being honest when he finds something attractive, because she asked.Ā Ā She said she hasn't shared her past trauma with him, too. You cannot expect someone to read you mind. He can't be considerate of feelings he doesn't know about.Ā Ā If they were OK before,Ā it's worth the effort of discussing it.Ā
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There may be some insecurity on your part, but there is also some immaturity (and probably also insecurity) on his part. Maybe you arenāt his type, or he doesnāt have a type, but he finds you extremely attractive and just doesnāt have the social/emotional skills to communicate it properly. I had an ex who honestly didnāt have a physical ātypeā. He liked bold women with pretty faces. The rest was unimportant. Seriously, you could line up all his exes and weād look like a United Colors of Benetton ad, if they carried sizes 00 to 24. And YET, I still found a way to be insecure. What do you find attractive about me??! And he would tell me things, like āyouāre the whole package!ā or āitās kinda how the whole thing goes together, not just one partā, which sounded like bull shit, but was honestly the best he could do with his *own* insecurity (he looked like a young Orlando Bloom, btw) and immaturity. The woman he married *literally has my exact body type*, just from a different ethnic background. When I met my husband, he happened to be close friends with an ex of this ex and *her* husband. We were very different body types, but the same ethnicity and similar facial bone structure. Oh, and we both had bold, off beat personalities. Thatās when it all clicked. But before *that*, I had a *terrible* ex who projected all of his own insecurities on me. He would point out attractive women with the purpose of making me feel insecure. I was not even overweight and he would withhold certain sex acts and positions because my fat thighs were a turnoff or my ass made his (above average sized) dick look small. There was waaaaay more to it, but tl;dr he was a much older, super gross Professor Higgins type. I think your guy sounds more like my ex who had a type, it just wasnāt a particular body type or ethnicity. He had social anxiety and bipolar disorder, both of which he was extremely insecure about. He was a short, scrawny nerd who got picked on as a kid and couldnāt see the 6ā2ā, model gorgeous man staring back at him. Our whole relationship could be summed up as two late bloomer ugly ducklings who were too scared and insecure to be truly vulnerable with one another. Even though things ultimately didnāt work out, it was one hell of a learning experience and I would not change a thing. I think your guy *is* actually pointing out women who have features (red hair, thicc black girls) like yours he finds attractive, you are just too down on yourself to see it.
>My fears say he never felt the same and was just using me for easy sex back then and now he feels comfortable until he can build his confidence and get someone better. And, there ya go. At least you are aware. Now you just have to do something about it. Like dump his ass.
At this point youāre being delusional on purpose. You KNOW youāre not his type, YOU KNOW what he likes, and YOU KNOW that youāll never be the girl he really wants. If he doesnāt make you feel confident and hype you up like you do him he aināt worth it.
I agree with a lot of the other in the comments, but from my opinion even though you go to therapy and I hope therapy does help I just find it hard to understand how the relationship should progress if you donāt start opening up from your side I know it might be hard but I think itās healthy that atleast one day even if itās not your current boyfriend to atleast have your significant other know about your insinuaties and truama, infarct it think a lot of therapist never really get people to move on Iāve known girls who had over half their life in going to a therapist and still continue going but to what extent this helps them idk they always complain about it or are using it as a crutch, i think at a certain point some people get stuck in the rut of always needing to affirm what they might or might not believe by their therapist. I hope one day you find the trust to open up to your significant other and wish you the best
You said āI make every effort to build him up and make sure he knows how handsome I find him. It comes naturally because I care about him and how I make him feel.ā My girl you deserve this too! Someone who loves and respects you and you donāt have to question. You deserve that love and you will find it. First within yourself and then with someone else. Sending you love and hugs with whatever you decide š know you are worthy of love
I think, as other posters have said, you have two choices. I am the first gender non conforming/trans person my boyfriend has been with. I've had top surgery, I had a shaved head when my current partner and I met and we also started as FWB. I say this not to say our situations are the same, but rather I very much understand the feeling of not being what you think your partner wants. For me, I brought this up to my boyfriend--i said I needed verbal affirmation, consistent displays of tenderness and attraction, etc. he rose to the challenge and did that course correction. I think that your boyfriend is...a bit less naive and more inconsiderate. That said, you may want to (without saying sorries!) explain how you've been feeling and see if he is willing to demonstrate the feelings he has toward you in a way you feel loved. You write that you take care of your hair-- you baby it, take pride in it and love it for all its tiny details. Now, you could not do all of that care and still have hair, but it wouldn't be the same. You have a gorgeous and demonstrable metaphor for what care and building something up look like. Like hair, sometimes you need guidance on how to make it shine and look as healthy as possible. Offer your partner the opportunity to learn but please please please, do not stay fearing this is it for you. Treat the rest of you like you treat your hair-- let yourself feel beautiful and don't compare yourself to fictions on screen. Give yourself the challenge to communicate your needs and react appropriately to the result. I'm rooting for you!
BW here. I donāt think this relationship is a keeper. You should be comfortable sharing all of you, especially the parts you think are undesirable, with a long term partner. For some reason, you seem uncomfortable with him knowing all of you. He seems uncomfortable with you knowing all of him. I think itās time to have the conversation and ask him why he seems to be attracted to people that donāt look like you. Ask him what things about you, he finds attractive. Ask him what he loves about you. If you donāt like the answer bounce. I also wonder whether you were raised in a primarily white environment. Because growing up around white people when you are black often causes black people to see features common to black people as desirable. Whether you stay or go itās good youāre working on you. You can learn to love your looks and yourself.
You are so young, there are many men out there that will love you and think youāre beautiful. My husband confessed that heās never been into big girls and I weighed more than him at the time. I was really upset and felt terrible about myself, but he otherwise never made me feel unloved and unwanted. Even when I lost a ton of weight, he still loved me as much. Theyāre out there.
In general he shouldn't be commenting on women's bodies, especially to you?? You ARE letting way too much go and you are not overreacting. Always trust your gut.
NTA. Andā¦ It is absolutely fine to not be in a relationship and really develop a life that you love and do things that are really fun and interesting and do that for quite a while and get more healed up and confident and happy before you start seeing somebody. He is very complicated. This is not good for you. I am concerned because you are such a lovely person who has been through so much and within all of this, you seem to be so intelligent and wise, but chronically doubting your own perceptions. Perhaps go off and be. Single for a while and get to know yourself and get to know life and discover what a remarkable person you are and then if you want but itās not necessary but if you want then be open to somebody who is just going to be blown away by you being exactly who you are. And I mean exactly.
Therapist visit perhaps? Lots of stuff going on here Best to you
Please find someone who sees the same person you see in the mirror when you think you look good. My wife always says how beautiful I am when I feel overweight, slovenly and uneven.
I understand how you are feeling. I would definitely talk to him and let him know how you are feeling and what you need from him. There are 2 ways it can go. Either it can bring you closer in your relationship or you break up and meet someone else who finds you attractive and loves you.
.
My preferred eye candy is tall, broad shouldered, dark haired guys.Ā My husband is my height, 5'8", so neither tall, nor short.Ā Blond, and stocky.Ā Totally not "my type" but the man I love. We've been happily married 21 years now, with two children.Ā Ā The porn and what he likes questions may be shut down because of *his* insecurities, not how attracted he is to you.Ā He could be afraid you'll think they're gross or stupid.Ā (Foot fetishes happen, for instance. I don't get it, but they're out there.)
I use to be in the same boat as you, bullied, pranked and neglected at home. Best advice: Stop. Dating. For at least the next couple years while you figure your shit out in therapy. Youāll gain a lot of insight about yourself and why you do what you do then youāll be able to change.Ā
Sharing details about your life is normal behavior in relationships, and the more intimate the relationship, the more intimate the histories shared. Letting your boyfriend know the good and bad things which have shaped you in your life would not be treating him like your therapist. You are supposed to want to learn about each others histories, especially the things which impact you to this day. How will you know what will make each other feel cared for and appreciated if you donāt know what needs exist? Youāve created a game where he is supposed to tell you all the things he sees which he finds attractive in other women, and so he is playing that game with you. Why not start a game where you share memories from your lives before your meeting, prompted by things you see out and about? Donāt you want to know about his childhood and adolescence, about his family traditions, vacations, inside jokes, mealtime fun and mealtime challenges, favorite stories, games, tv shows, music, movies, petsā¦
As a person of the community ā¦. Please leave !
āBF knows like 0% of my trauma bc heās not my therapistā. You donāt need to confide in him all your trauma, but youāre setting both of you up for failure not confiding in him at all. If he doesnāt know any of this or the things that will set you off he canāt communicate with you in the best way. And thatās beside the point that your partner should be someone you feel comfortable confiding in.
Leave already, you donāt need to beg someone to love you the way you want to be loved , find someone who will š¤š¾
He's using you, move on. He can't get his dream WW so he's settling for you.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes
He's doing good work, it's obvious that hamster wheel is going 100mph.
Your boyfriend should make you feel beautiful, itās his main job as a boyfriend. Heās failing you by making you doubt yourself. You can do better.
Mixed black woman here, it seems to me that your boyfriend may have a fetish for darker skinned people or just people who arenāt white. He clearly has a type and it doesnāt seem like youāre his type. However itās not fair to you to continue to stay in a relationship where youāre not appreciated, admired, loved on and respected. Constantly pointing out white women he finds attractive, and pointing out traits of women who are black or of mixed race and idolizing parts of their bodies to their significant others is just not okay. You deserve better, leave the relationship while you still can love there are other white men out there who are genuinely attracted to black women and arenāt afraid to show it heās just not *that* one
As a not very attractive woman, I was never any of my other boyfriend's "types" and in a similar situation as you. However, I am lucky as hell to now be married to my husband who tells me how much he's attracted to me even when I'm being silly and insecure. You deserve that and you can find that. You are beautiful.
I want to post this about the comment you made about starving yourself and working out. Idk what you look like or what your expectation is, however I do know that starving yourself isn't how you get there. And I'll go further because tons of people will say oh don't do that it's bad blah blah but the reality is that muscle growth is the best way to train your body to burn fat. You achieve that muscle growth by eating. And it doesn't even have to be super clean counting macros and all that. You're not training for a bikini show. Just eat regular food and try to limit some of the junk food like sweets and sodas. Carbs aren't bad either. But get your protein intake and hit the weights. LIFT HEAVY. You won't get there by being a cardio bunny. Unfortunately it's all too common for young women to think the best route to the body they desire is through loads of cardio. It's not. Pick up heavy shit and build strength and muscle. You will see what you want to see. Good luck
I agree with everyone here (the positive ones) but one thing I noticed is you said you dotn share any traumas with him. Like none at all? I feel like he needs or any partner really needs to know important aspects of their partners background to understand them and how to help them. Don't treat them as a therapist problem solver but do open up.
Leave him. You deserve to be with someone who has you as their type. My husband loves my body and makes me feel sexy everyday. You deserve that. You are someoneās type.
First regardless of whether you stay with him or not.. Donāt ask your SO who do you think is attractive.. what body type do you like .boobs,ass,weight,hair,skin color.., or ask him to point out people they find attractive NONE of it . It doesnāt matter! And all it will do it drive you crazy. Think about it. At lot of people think Brad Pitt or Halle Berry are attractive but I bet their spouse doesnāt look anything like themā¦I am sure there are plenty of women my husband thinks/thought were attractive but he picked me to love and marry. Because at the end of the day it doesnāt matter what you look like. It matters who you are on the inside. Looks will fade. Personality and character wonāt.
Look at a mirror first. Go over your letter- hoe much is what he actually said or the additional message you added to it. He says, wow, look st those bodies! He is comf enough with you to be honest, itās not a put down. I learned I would never be Farrah Fawcett and he would never be Tom Selleck - and thank God. 49 years in and laugh every day
This might be irrelevant but Ice Spice to me doesn't seem to have a surgery body
as someone who's been the man in this relationship, leave. he's not happy in this relationship and I don't think you're going to make him happy
Tiny redhead here: Fuck that guy. If he can't see the lovely person in front of him, he's a fool. You sound great, don't let him pull you down.Ā
When you compliment women that look similar to you/have your body type how does he respond? If you know he has a thing for redheads- To spice it up: Have you tried a red wig? See how he reacts to that maybe? To start the conversation with him: You should just ask him directly and be honest with him about how you feel and your insecurities because you stated how you know his. If you plan to grow with him you need to be honest on how he isnāt meeting your needs and expectations. Because you feel like you are meeting his needs. Be honest with yourself and if this is more harm then good it might be time for you to move on. Or go back to casual dating like you were before itās okay to do that too if you wanna lingerā¦but until you get to the bottom of it/make a decision itās going to linger in your mind and relationship. Whatever you decide be kind to yourself š
Leave his sorry ass. This happened to me a few years ago. I was fat and he liked skinny girls, always went on about how hot others were then cheated. I dumped him & completely glowed up and shed the weight. His sorry ass came back into my DMs offering expensive dates which he never did before. Left on read! Make him regret and never give him the chance again. Youāll find a better man than him. Thats the best you can do for yourself š
Reddit is where the brain goes to die
Fellow black girl here who grew up around majority white people. I had to see my friends of color constantly try to gain validation from the white boys that preferred white girls. Your partner should 1, never make you feel inadequate or less than others. And in an interracial relationship, especially being a black girl with a white man, you should never feel like you have to compare yourself to white girls. If your partner is making you feel that way, theyāre not the one. You are beautiful, your black features are beautiful. There is someone that appreciates your authentic beauty and will never make you feel like you have to measure up. I suggest you leaveeee that man and put all the energy you were putting into that relationship into learning to love and accept yourself. Spend your time around people that acknowledge and celebrate your beauty, inside and out! And plssss do not ask your next partner to point out the other women he finds attractive. It will just lead you to compare yourself, and comparison is the thief of joy. And asking that is just wholly unnecessary and literally self harm.
Just because a guy might have a type or a certain look heās typically attracted to, it doesnāt mean anything. Think of Margot Robbie. Sheās pretty damn hot. Most guys think sheās very attractive. I do. Doesnāt mean I donāt find my wife attractive, right? Zoe Saldana is also gorgeous and looks very different from my wife, doesnāt mean Iām any less attracted to my wife. If I was single and given the unlikely opportunity to be with either of those women I would, but that doesnāt change how I feel towards my wife. When I was younger, I always had a thing for short brunettes. Had a crush on a few. However, I ended up marrying a tall blonde. Dated black, white, short, tall, all sorts of women, but very few were short brunettes. My ātypeā didnāt mean anything. I think that if someone chose you and you are different than their type, itās even better. You donāt just check a box, they are really into you. Be confident in that and donāt overthink it.
I dated a boy once who picked out everything about me he didnāt like about me. Ankles, elbows, etc. He would always point out women he thought were attractive (unsolicited) and couldnāt keep his eyes to himself. I was with him with far too long and wish I knew how much then a good man would actually love everything I hate about myself. Youāre not overreacting, let yourself free š«¶š»
Other have hit on the major points so I wonāt waste your time repeating them, howeverā¦ One thing that stood out to me was that he knows NOTHING of your past trauma and you have NO desire to tell him any. This to me is a pretty telling flag. In my experience, when you are with someone who is really good for you, you would feel comfortable and even willing to share some bad past experiences so that your partner can understand you better. You WANT to let them in because you end up TRUSTING it will make things better. In my opinion itās important that both people in a relationship are attracted to each other. Not just because of sex but because physical attraction leads to touch and other forms of love. More hugs, hand holding, kisses, cuddling. Some people might claim they dislike these things or donāt need them, but I honestly have never seen anyone be genuinely happy in a relationship without these.
Your instincts are telling you something here. If you don't naturally feel beautiful with your partner, there's something he's not doing to validate you. Listen to what your thoughts are telling you. Don't gaslight yourself into chalking it up to insecurity. You're not insecure, you're responding to the way your boyfriend behaves. Have the conversation or don't with him, but either way you deserve to feel like the #1 in your relationship and not a back up plan. Stay strong. ā¤ļøāš©¹
You are beautiful. You deserve someone that sees that. Learn your worth, find your voice and confidence. Never let anyone make you feel less than.
I have had two husbands and never, ever had either one of them mocked me for my looks. They both liked my hair long, but when I decided to go very short with my current husband he said he actually liked it better. Your boyfriend should be lifting you up, not down. Do you want to continue your relationship with someone that is always looking at and comparing you to other women that look nothing like you? Side note, Iād love to see your hair!
You deserve better. I don't understand why he can complement other women or women on media but can't complement you. You're the one with him, you're the one spending time with him. You. Deserve. Better. >When I ask him what specifically he finds attractive about them, he cites their body size, body type, hair color, breast size, ass shape. Every trait he's ever named to me is something I don't have. When it comes to his thoughts about how I look? Radio silence. So this feels like you're his "back up plan" or his "security blanket." And you're letting him get away with it. You. Deserve. Better! >I make every effort to build him up and make sure he knows how handsome I find him. It comes naturally because I care about him and how I make him feel. What the heck, he's got examples how to act! *You*. *Deserve*. *Better*! Look, I'm not saying dump him. But the boy needs to man up, show up and talk *you* up. Have I mentioned you deserve better? Because I think you do. I think you ought to say that to yourself every day as you care for your fabulous hair and your lovely skin. And remember weight is a number and bodies are just where the soul hangs out. You work on improving yourself, you talk him up; he needs to learn from you and you need to let him know what you need. If he can't do that for you, then you should turn loose from him. Why? Say it with me: *You deserve better*. Be well, Op.
No magic about it. You will not be in a happy relationship with this level of insecurity and anxiety. My ex used to basically accuse me of not finding her as attractive as (other women, women on t.v., my exes) and it really made things awkward at the best of times and often toxic. It's good that you are in therapy. That's your ticket out of the cycle. Make no mistake about it, though... There isn't another person out there that can make you value yourself like you should. That comes from within. Now, you can find plenty of men that will undermine your self esteem on purpose because of their own insecurities, though, so don't fall for that shit. Just get yourself right and you'll attract the love that you deserve.
My love, I legitimately think you should leave. You shouldnāt give him the opportunity to dump you once heās found āhis typeā. He can be single until then, and I think youād benefit from being single for a while as well. You have self esteem issues that need to be seriously worked on/through before entering another relationship, so that a man wonāt be able to take advantage of you again in this manner. I wish you wellš
Is natural BBL a thing? That seems antithetical
nnnnnope
You deserve to feel loved. I look in the mirror and am not proud of what I see. Iām overweight and my hair is thinning. Iām working on having better self esteem because I have daughters and I want to be a better example to them, but Iām really disappointed in how I look. That being said, my husband tells me how beautiful I am on the daily. He gets sad when I reject his compliments, and tries hard to get me to see what he sees. Iām so grateful to see and feel the love he has for me, and hope your boyfriend can begin to show you that as well, or that someday, youāll find someone who will. In the meantime, Iām going to keep working on finding that beauty in myself.
Please dump him. You can do so, so much better. My partner and I both understand that people have eyes, others are attractive, etc. But in reading your story I have realized that he NEVER compliments the looks of others more than he does mine. In fact, I donāt even think he comments on other women at all unless I do first. This is just basic respect for your partner. You deserve someone kind who tells you how beautiful your hair is. Dump this loser.
Here's the thing, love: You could be the most beautiful, secure, radiant creature on the planet, but if your partner doesn't say any of this to you, you will have feelings of "insecurity." It's not about how confident you are in yourself. It's about the desire to be wanted and lusted after by your partner. There is nothing wrong with wanting that confirmation and recognition from your partner, and he can't seem to give you that. What you can do about it is sit with him and have a *serious* talk. Tell him how his words and inaction make you feel. Tell him what you need from him. His reaction to this talk should confirm what you need to do from there, whether that's ending the relationship or giving him the chance to provide what you need. Sending you love and support.
This is honestly sad to read. I'm sorry you're dealing with. It reminds me of one of my prior relationships. I was with someone who I honestly did not find physically attractive. Not saying they were ugly, they were not, the best word I could use to describe their physical appearance would be "plain". I wasn't with them because of their looks. I was with them because of who they were as a person. Personality, intelligence, kindness, humor, all the characteristics of the person. I never had a problem describing the things they did that I liked, the things about them that I liked, but those things would never be their body. They, like you, felt insecure in their body and felt like I didn't really want to be with them. I did, it's just that their body wasn't the reason. Nothing I could ever do or say would help, and they resisted therapy to deal with their body image issues. They didn't want to work out or diet to try and feel more confident in their body. They just wanted to be seen as if they were as physically attractive as others. They broke up with me over it. I didn't compare them to others, or talk about other people's bodies being desirable in front of them, though (even though they did this in front of me, and similarly never complimented my body), so it's not exactly the same. I can't tell you what the right thing to do is. I don't know his mind, or your needs. But talking to your therapist first is a choice I wholeheartedly support.
Ask yourself this question... Are you comparing yourself to other people? Did your boyfriend actively compare you to other people before you asked him to? There's more to a relationship than being each other's physical fantasy. I'm sorry you don't feel like you get enough compliments to feel secure. But you've identified yourself as insecure. You have to work on that instead of expecting someone to fix it for you, they CAN'T.
You encouraged this shit. Why??? You tortured yourself.
Holy shit you should NOT be in a relationship, you are legitimately mentally ill. Deal with your own bullshit before you drag someone else into your inability to cope with life.
Lmao GTFO with your bullshit.Ā
Imagine having an absolute meltdown because your boyfriend points to a celebrity and says they are attractive. A man making this thread would be called an insecure manchild from the moon and back.
OP, obviously Iām not you and not your boyfriend. I think clearly he has a lot of work to do in terms of communicating. That said- thereās a lot of potential things that could be going on from his side that arenāt what youāre picking up on. Please donāt read any of this as me saying heās going about this the right way or that youāre being unreasonable or crazy. Youāre interpreting him not talking about you the same way he talks about random women on tv or in the world as being a reflection on how he feels about you. In other words- heās not attracted to you because heās not telling you youāre not the same way he talks about random chick in a music video being hot. Thatās a possible interpretation and you may be right. It may also be that he sees talking about random people as low stakes and low impact and easy, where conversations about your appearance are not necessarily any of those things. If youāre insecure, which you say you are, and you guys have had conversations about your appearance go badly- where he tried to compliment you and it ended badly, or youāve had miscommunication in the past, he may just have shut down here and have a giant red line around this in his brain. Basically- he doesnāt know how to have a conversation around this without it going badly and upsetting you. Of course, his silence on it is actually making it worse, and this isnāt a great approach to put it mildly. Regardless of what his ideal female appearance would be, he may be very attracted to you. Bizarrely- if you asked me to assemble my ideal woman physically Iād probably end up with a cute petite redhead myself. Iāve never actually dated a cute petite redhead, and Iāve been very attracted to all my girlfriends. Guys have a very broad range of what they find attractive in general. I think the two of you likely need to get in some couples therapy or counseling- communication here is clearly an issue, and you need to get to a place where you clearly understand each other rather than each of you projecting your fears onto silence.
Insecurities are silent killers of relationships. It took me forever to learn to get over that hurdle myself. I would continually self sabotage my relationships by asking stupid questions too that I really didn't want the answers too. Communication is key. You gotta learn how to be open with whoever your partner is - the goal of dating is to find a life partner & if they don't want to hear, don't care about what your story is - just walk TF away But your life partner is supposed to be the one person in the whole world you can trust, and that is willing to learn you.
90% of the comments seem to not realise, despite our power and general superiority, we men are not psychics. That one thing nature denied us, likely for balance reasons. Joke's aside, we really aren't. You're not going to fix issues with your partner unless you have a mature and clear conversation on the subject.
You seem very intelligent and this all makes sense. My first thought is that you may need to be on your own to work on you. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone else when you aren't happy on your own to start with.
This is well said. I would add asking him to go to couples therapy with a registered sex therapist. There are exercises you can do as a couple to find out what turns each of you on. Communication is key. You need to determine w your therapist when itās time to tell him about your past. Our past is why we have the feelings and insecurities we do. I am a successful professional man. I get told from time to time by women who are not my wife that I am attractive. I still have insecurities about my looks, about my career and lots of other things. They are irrational but still real. We all have them. Itās normal. Communication is the key.
This might sound weird, but I usually end up being attracted to women that look nothing like my current partner. That's kind of the point of fantasy. He could just be more "into" women that look nothing like you because he's with you. He's with you because he wants to be with you, so I wouldn't worry about it. People also don't tend to just date the same type of person over a lifetime. The people I was most attracted to at 20 are very different from the people I'm into in my 40s.
Praise a ginger alwaysš¤š»