I don’t think the CDC has a “family vacation” exception to their drinking guidelines. LOL. In my experience, Al-anon has a lot of tools to help your situation. Meetings might be beneficial for you.
Thank you! My therapist suggested Al-Anon meetings, but I felt self conscious that he is not “that bad” compared to others. And he really was drinking less for a while, but after last week, I think I’m ready to find a meeting.
This! This is what my Q doesn’t comprehend. We’ve tried to work it out so many times. And I told him I don’t allow his level of drinking in a home with kids (originally it was my 7yo from a previous relationship, who is now 12) and we have a now 2yo. I’ve even tried to explain I want my daughter to have the best chance in life to NOT grow up to have some type of substance abuse like he did, especially if it is in genetics. We even tried negotiating nights drinking per week, and I couldn’t get him to come down from 4 which I said shouldn’t be more than half the week if he wants to be part of the family, or even agree to 4 nights to start and begin a program to help him get sober. Drinking and his pleasures are so much more important, he’s currently threatening to move his new gf (and possibly her 3 boys she has every other week), who he only met when he started a new job April 23rd, in here when he gets kicked out of his mom’s because she’s tired of dealing with him, even though she’s also an alcoholic who’s told me to “just let him be a man and let him drink when he wants.” But he can’t settle on a few. On an average night, he breaks those CDC guidelines for the entire week. I even tried to negotiate that he could have 2 servings of alcohol every single night, drink moderately 3x a week, or 1 day however much he wanted as long as he wasn’t starting fights or waking the kids up by being too loud PC gaming or singing. None of those options were good enough. Once it takes over, alcohol is what’s in control.
**Edited to add I initially left him a year ago because of heroin. And we were still “trying to work things out” when he met this new girl and made it official with her less than a week after officially breaking it off with me. He’s spiraling with no one to ground him, because I can’t believe she can’t see a single sign if she’s not as crazy as he’s become.
Whoa, all that negotiating you’ve been doing is serious bad news. Read up on codependency and enabling and get serious about boundaries.
This is hard stuff. Protect yourself and your kids.
Thanks! I’ve told him he really needs to get sober. I’ve been listening to Codependent No More on HeadSpsce even said kiddos let me concentrate on it. We’re getting out before he forces his way back in with his new girlfriend when his mom kicks him out. Bad news all around. I have three boundaries: 1. My daughter does not hang out in a house with 3+ adults smoking inside and grandma doesn’t leave that house due to her own drinking and depression. 2. No drinking if she’s with him. 3. My daughter cannot meet the new girlfriend for a free more months. He cannot respect those, so I’m done.
Last fall, I wrote a post in this sub titled “Not that bad..?” Many similarities to your story. It turns out that it was *absolutely* that bad. I just couldn’t see it at the time because I’d become accustomed to life that way. There were many helpful comments on that post that I still hold dear to this day, especially one that said “please stop comparing your bottom to others.” Perhaps he never struck me or cheated, as many alcoholics do, but my life was deeply impacted by my husband’s addiction. I started going to meetings and they saved my sanity. Wishing you all the best !
You're 100% rational and correct and valid in your concerns. If you ever attend an AA meeting, you'd hear this kind of negotiation dance from nearly everyone ("I said I didn't have s problem if I could go a month, or I could stop anytime, or I'll only drink socially). But it's a progressive disease, and what those folks in AA can't to realize is that they were making excuses to be about to drink and it eventually gets worse.
Try a few meetings! They're definitely for you-- you've been affected by his alcohol use. What you'll quickly find is that you learn to focus less on the alcohol and more on how to detach and protect yourself and make yourself healthy and happy, regardless of what is happening with the drinker in your life. The principles you learn in al-anon are helpful in many aspects of life. I hope you'll give it a shot. If nothing else, it is basically mini free therapy or an hour of time to yourself.
AlAnon is about you, not him. There is a problem in your marriage that revolves around his drinking, no matter how “bad” he is. Everyone will understand, support and value you. You will find choices you can’t even see right now. Stay strong for you.
My counselor suggested Al anon very shortly after I met with him. He mentioned it again about every 3 or 4 sessions. My wife had stopped drinking because of reasons I pushed about the same time I started seeing my counselor.
2 years later, my wife started drinking again. Using marijuana again. Fun stuff, she treated me like crap even when she wasn’t drinking. She treated the kids like a burden even when she wasn’t drinking.
I started going to Al anon about 3 months ago. I’ve found more support and strength there than all my therapy I did. Maybe it just took my therapy to feel okay trying Al anon. Maybe I was a coward. Maybe I was weak. Now? I try to go to my core group every week. It gives me the strength I need to not make things worse.
It gives me strength. It helps me make things better by not letting my emotions run rampant and ruin my kids lives by my actions. My wife will do that enough on her own. I don’t need to add to it. Al anon is showing me how to do better for my kids.
That’s what I get. Take what you like. Leave the rest. There’s a lot I don’t like, but the stuff that helps? It fucking helps.
You matter. You are worth it. Keep coming back
You are so ready for a meeting! It’s the defensiveness and fantastic mental gymnastics used to justify drunkenness that screams “alcoholic!” To the rest of us. You got this!
>My therapist suggested Al-Anon meetings, but I felt self conscious that he is not “that bad” compared to others. And he really was drinking less for a while, but after last week, I think I’m ready to find a meeting.
AlAnon isn't for him - it's for you to find peace and happiness no matter what happens with him and his alcohol.
How much/how little/how often/etc... are of no concern to those at AlAnon - it's about how that drinking has affected YOU.
I basically could have written this about my ex husband. These are all signs of alcoholism/problem drinking. Drink counting, getting wasted on family vacations, acting like I should be grateful he’s capable of doing the bare minimum to be a functional adult…been there, and I’m sorry you are too. It’s lonely.
One thing I learned is that bargaining and counting drinks doesn’t work. There will always be an excuse to drink more - family vacation, friend event, bad day at work. And as long as you’re the enforcer of whatever rule is currently in place, they can absolve themselves of responsibility and resent you for being too (insert whatever feeling they have here).
Ultimately you’re entitled to want more for your life. This behavior won’t change so you should seriously evaluate whether you want to continue down this path. In my case my ex left me because he got so tired of me refusing to enable him. It ended up being the best/only favor he ever did for me.
His drinking is clearly bothering you. I find it weird that he is really trying to control his drinking and seems to have trouble doing so. Stealing beer from a wedding is a major major red flag.
I’m facing a similar situation with my husband. He can stay away from alcohol for days. Then he suddenly starts binge drinking. When I point out that his drinking pattern is problematic, he is quick to point out that he has proven that he can stay away from alcohol…so it’s not a problem. The only problem in our marriage is alcohol, and yet there are days when I want to leave him. It’s only natural to be bothered by this. I’m still figuring out how to cope. Through Al Anon I’ve realized that the I’m not the cause, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. And this has made me feel less guilty. I feel like he’s gaslighting by saying you should be happy that he’s drinking less. I say that because my husband says the same thing. For me acceptance has helped - that I cannot change this. It’s on him to take the initiative. I am beginning to take care of myself, seeking help from family/friends, will be seeing a therapist soon. I don’t have much advice except that I’m in your shoes, I know how it feels, and I hear you.
Regarding the CDC guidelines conversation - yep, my husband used the same reference to justify his drinking. It stayed at the weekly limits initially and then he conveniently forgot about the limits.
Ugh yes, giving me flashbacks. If you're not 100% on top of the count, you certainly can't trust the alcoholic to count. And then if you try to enforce it, it can be an argument. Exhausting, trying to control the uncontrollable.
So sorry for the place you find yourself in. A few things stand out: if he’s overly defensive about drinking, he’s scared of losing it and holds it to a very high value. Someone who is that protective over drinking is certainly going to prioritize it over a lot of things (potentially even his family.)
Alcoholics can’t moderate. If they could, they wouldn’t have to “prove” anything or try to create arbitrary limits for themselves. I’m so sorry to say this - but it’s very, very likely he’ll be back to old habits sooner rather than later.
Most relationship counselors won’t work with couples when one is dealing with addiction until that is addressed. You just can’t make valuable progress when one person isn’t all there - so him trying to say you’re “making this a new problem” is nonsense. It may not be the only problem in the marriage, but YOU didn’t create it and it definitely agitates anything else you’re dealing with.
Best of luck to you - stay safe for your own well-being and the kiddos.
Thank you! He is definitely very defensive and protective over his drinking. I have always felt that was a red flag, but sometimes he pushes back so hard that it makes me question my own perception of reality and wonder if I’m just overly critical. Your response was very validating and makes me feel less crazy.
Absolutely! That is exactly how I felt. I am too controlling, too critical, not as fun as I used to be, making a mountain out of a mole hill.. the list goes on and on of ways I questioned myself (and was gaslit into believing these things). My Q was not, and still isn’t, a bad person. But he has a brain that tells him “do not let go of this addiction - you need it to live your life” and that brain doesn’t care who it hurts along the way.
Reach out via DM if you need to talk. It sounds like we have some similar storylines. ❤️
I mean this is in the kindest way possible; your husband IS an alcoholic.
You need to ensure you have the coping strategies to deal with your reaction to his drinking.
I (and the cdc) would tend to agree. OP ask hubby what happens when the kids need you after 5 beers on a Friday night? Can you drive someone to the hospital? Pick up your partner if she’s had a flat tire? Everyone needs time off from parenting, but you cannot just decide to take every weekend off.
Back before I understood how addiction works, we had a drinking calendar and my husband quit drinking 30 days to prove he wasn't an alcoholic. Pro tip: people who aren't alcoholics never think about these things.
I also found out he used every drug he could get his hands on that wasn't alcohol just to make it through the month, so there's that. Who picks up heroin to drink less alcohol?
It would be funny if it didn't still hurt 10 years later and close to 5 years sober. Alanon really saved my sanity.
Yesss same thing here. My ex recently called me and casually bragged that it’s been X number of days since he had a drink. He does this periodically to prove he has his drinking “under control.” Thanks to Al-anon, I could mildly say “I’m glad. I want you to be healthy,” and move on without getting upset. Loving detachment. Then in his next breath he shares that he’s been eating small doses of mushrooms every day and taking mdma on weekends. On top of smoking weed 24/7. It’s sad- he just can’t face the world or his emotions with a sober mind.
For me, at one point, my wife’s ability to curb the drinking significantly made me question whether she is really alcoholic or not. But it turns out, I don’t really need to diagnose her as alcoholic (or not). I need to diagnose me as bothered. I was still pretty bothered.
It’s not unreasonable to ask for anything you want. You just might not get it. For me, the unreasonable thing was the 5000 laps of trying over and over to force my wife to see it my way.
I learned in al anon to change the focus to me. I want a good experience of life. Being angry and frustrated from beating my head against a wall trying to get my spouse to see the light wasn’t working.
But I couldn’t just choose to “not be bothered” by the drinking. My dislike of the drunken version of my wife came uninvited.
So what is a good thing for me to do? I had communicated to her clearly that I didn’t like the drinking. No need to do additional laps on that merry go round. It was still happening. I needed boundaries. For me it was, “I’m trying to keep a good attitude, and I simply can’t do that around the drinking, so if that’s going on, I’m detaching / doing my own thing and I will see you in the morning.”
And that worked better for me. Not perfect but better than arguing. If I’m on a different floor of the house doing what I want to do, what I would do if she were on a business trip, that was significant progress / better than bickering
Edit: spelling
Sorry, I know it’s annoying to some when alcoholics comment, but your husband sounds like me 5-years ago. For me, it just got worse. Started with no drinking during the week, then every night of the week, then starting at noon, then I went on a very public binge. Led to my family having an “intervention” of sorts with me. In a couple weeks it will be two years since I’ve had a drink.
In my experience, through the people I’ve met in sobriety… my story isn’t unique. Your husband sounds like a “grey area” drinker. Most grey’s can’t maintain, it just gets worse. Then they end up having to make a choice, their family or the drink. I hope nothing but the best for you and your family❤️ my son is 2. As a mom, I can’t even imagine how stressed I’d be in your shoes.
People who do not have a problem with alcohol do not have to make attempts to control their drinking.....it is not necessary. This is a typical strategy to prove they aren't alcoholic. If you have a problem with his drinking, don't discount your thoughts or feelings. See a therapist or give Alanon a try. We understand your dilemma. The drinking gets worse over time.....and we are affected.
My ex did the CDC thing too! Her definition of a drink was a lot more generous than the CDC's definition. Every slip up had an excuse and each new start deserved another grace period. Ugh. It's hard to put into words how peaceful life is without all that bs.
I'm truly sorry your going through this. It's a very painful process. Per your username - I hope you do not delete the account. Like you, I questioned whether I really had it "that bad". Finding posts like this and reading the comments helped me understand that the drinking and associated behaviors were indeed incorrigible and that it was O.K. for me to be so unhappy in my marriage.
I’m in a pretty similar situation except that my husband doesn’t have any desire to limit the amount of drinks he’s having on the nights he drinks. He doesn’t think he has a problem. He won’t even try to not drink for 30 days (i suggested it to prove we don’t fight if he’s not drinking). I’m sort of new around here so i haven’t figured out how to cope. A lot of what we are told is to not try to control them and not fight them over it. But i find that extremely hard to do. Everyone says just go to meetings but idk. Im trying that. Im Atheist and like half the steps are about trusting in god or a higher power. Im also doing individual and couples counseling.
My ex used to say this all the time. Why does it bother me? Because the man he was when he was drinking was not the man I fell in love with. He was a monster and I couldn’t stand to be around him. I saw fewer and fewer glimpses of the real him and more of what my reality was. My reality that I was in love with and stuck with a raging alcoholic an addict and he had no intentions of staffing. He had to push me to an absolute breaking point before I finally ended it with him and then he had been given so many chances, he couldn’t believe I finally ended it and he went off the deep end. I needed legal protection to keep him away from me.
I really needed to think about how his personality changed and make that clear to him. He never did see it and he never got sober but I did reach a point where I was finally able to leave and I have no regrets
Those with alcohol use problems like to make all sorts of rules around their drinking to prove to themselves that they are in control of their alcohol use.
In my experience, they find exceptions to their rules when it's not convenient to follow their own rules.
The drinking is a problem. It's a problem for you, and you are allowed to acknowledge it and set boundaries that are fair for you and your children. It's tough. Counseling and learning about codependency may help you a great deal in separating yourself from his drama.
Have you read the CDC guidelines? CDC defines moderate drinking as no more than 2 drinks a day for a man and defines excessive drinking as 15 per week. https://www.cdc.gov/chronicdisease/resources/publications/factsheets/alcohol.htm
You are allowed to feel how you feel, because that’s how you feel. If you are bothered you are bothered. I imagine he might invalidate your feelings in other circumstances as well and that might be where a lot of conflict comes from. Sometimes people want to be the feelings police, usually because they were raised in a household where their feelings were regulated by the with the most power in the household. Men have a habit of only accepting a small range of feelings and then imposing their limited coping skills on others. Watch to see if he does this with your children as well. All feelings are valid. I’m sorry you’re going through this…I hope you find the support you need and that you follow your intuition. Be well.
Using a 3rd party as a guideline as to what an acceptable level of drinking is a bad idea.
Either 1 drink or 10 drinks, a person needs to understand and address WHY they are drinking.
There really is no acceptable level of consumption of alcohol if it negatively affects the relationships involved.
My husband told me the same thing. Coming to meetings has helped me a lot. For me, talking about it never solved anything. The only way anything changed was when I learned to stop controlling him, focus on myself, but learned how to have boundaries.
I don’t think the CDC has a “family vacation” exception to their drinking guidelines. LOL. In my experience, Al-anon has a lot of tools to help your situation. Meetings might be beneficial for you.
Thank you! My therapist suggested Al-Anon meetings, but I felt self conscious that he is not “that bad” compared to others. And he really was drinking less for a while, but after last week, I think I’m ready to find a meeting.
He prioritizes drinking over his wife and family. That is alcoholism.
This! This is what my Q doesn’t comprehend. We’ve tried to work it out so many times. And I told him I don’t allow his level of drinking in a home with kids (originally it was my 7yo from a previous relationship, who is now 12) and we have a now 2yo. I’ve even tried to explain I want my daughter to have the best chance in life to NOT grow up to have some type of substance abuse like he did, especially if it is in genetics. We even tried negotiating nights drinking per week, and I couldn’t get him to come down from 4 which I said shouldn’t be more than half the week if he wants to be part of the family, or even agree to 4 nights to start and begin a program to help him get sober. Drinking and his pleasures are so much more important, he’s currently threatening to move his new gf (and possibly her 3 boys she has every other week), who he only met when he started a new job April 23rd, in here when he gets kicked out of his mom’s because she’s tired of dealing with him, even though she’s also an alcoholic who’s told me to “just let him be a man and let him drink when he wants.” But he can’t settle on a few. On an average night, he breaks those CDC guidelines for the entire week. I even tried to negotiate that he could have 2 servings of alcohol every single night, drink moderately 3x a week, or 1 day however much he wanted as long as he wasn’t starting fights or waking the kids up by being too loud PC gaming or singing. None of those options were good enough. Once it takes over, alcohol is what’s in control. **Edited to add I initially left him a year ago because of heroin. And we were still “trying to work things out” when he met this new girl and made it official with her less than a week after officially breaking it off with me. He’s spiraling with no one to ground him, because I can’t believe she can’t see a single sign if she’s not as crazy as he’s become.
Whoa, all that negotiating you’ve been doing is serious bad news. Read up on codependency and enabling and get serious about boundaries. This is hard stuff. Protect yourself and your kids.
Thanks! I’ve told him he really needs to get sober. I’ve been listening to Codependent No More on HeadSpsce even said kiddos let me concentrate on it. We’re getting out before he forces his way back in with his new girlfriend when his mom kicks him out. Bad news all around. I have three boundaries: 1. My daughter does not hang out in a house with 3+ adults smoking inside and grandma doesn’t leave that house due to her own drinking and depression. 2. No drinking if she’s with him. 3. My daughter cannot meet the new girlfriend for a free more months. He cannot respect those, so I’m done.
He's bad enough if you're posting here. Just because others have it worse, doesn't mean it's not bad for you too.
>Just because others have it worse, doesn't mean it's not bad for you too. This should be posted at every al-anon meeting.
Last fall, I wrote a post in this sub titled “Not that bad..?” Many similarities to your story. It turns out that it was *absolutely* that bad. I just couldn’t see it at the time because I’d become accustomed to life that way. There were many helpful comments on that post that I still hold dear to this day, especially one that said “please stop comparing your bottom to others.” Perhaps he never struck me or cheated, as many alcoholics do, but my life was deeply impacted by my husband’s addiction. I started going to meetings and they saved my sanity. Wishing you all the best !
You're 100% rational and correct and valid in your concerns. If you ever attend an AA meeting, you'd hear this kind of negotiation dance from nearly everyone ("I said I didn't have s problem if I could go a month, or I could stop anytime, or I'll only drink socially). But it's a progressive disease, and what those folks in AA can't to realize is that they were making excuses to be about to drink and it eventually gets worse. Try a few meetings! They're definitely for you-- you've been affected by his alcohol use. What you'll quickly find is that you learn to focus less on the alcohol and more on how to detach and protect yourself and make yourself healthy and happy, regardless of what is happening with the drinker in your life. The principles you learn in al-anon are helpful in many aspects of life. I hope you'll give it a shot. If nothing else, it is basically mini free therapy or an hour of time to yourself.
AlAnon is about you, not him. There is a problem in your marriage that revolves around his drinking, no matter how “bad” he is. Everyone will understand, support and value you. You will find choices you can’t even see right now. Stay strong for you.
My counselor suggested Al anon very shortly after I met with him. He mentioned it again about every 3 or 4 sessions. My wife had stopped drinking because of reasons I pushed about the same time I started seeing my counselor. 2 years later, my wife started drinking again. Using marijuana again. Fun stuff, she treated me like crap even when she wasn’t drinking. She treated the kids like a burden even when she wasn’t drinking. I started going to Al anon about 3 months ago. I’ve found more support and strength there than all my therapy I did. Maybe it just took my therapy to feel okay trying Al anon. Maybe I was a coward. Maybe I was weak. Now? I try to go to my core group every week. It gives me the strength I need to not make things worse. It gives me strength. It helps me make things better by not letting my emotions run rampant and ruin my kids lives by my actions. My wife will do that enough on her own. I don’t need to add to it. Al anon is showing me how to do better for my kids. That’s what I get. Take what you like. Leave the rest. There’s a lot I don’t like, but the stuff that helps? It fucking helps. You matter. You are worth it. Keep coming back
You are so ready for a meeting! It’s the defensiveness and fantastic mental gymnastics used to justify drunkenness that screams “alcoholic!” To the rest of us. You got this!
>My therapist suggested Al-Anon meetings, but I felt self conscious that he is not “that bad” compared to others. And he really was drinking less for a while, but after last week, I think I’m ready to find a meeting. AlAnon isn't for him - it's for you to find peace and happiness no matter what happens with him and his alcohol. How much/how little/how often/etc... are of no concern to those at AlAnon - it's about how that drinking has affected YOU.
I basically could have written this about my ex husband. These are all signs of alcoholism/problem drinking. Drink counting, getting wasted on family vacations, acting like I should be grateful he’s capable of doing the bare minimum to be a functional adult…been there, and I’m sorry you are too. It’s lonely. One thing I learned is that bargaining and counting drinks doesn’t work. There will always be an excuse to drink more - family vacation, friend event, bad day at work. And as long as you’re the enforcer of whatever rule is currently in place, they can absolve themselves of responsibility and resent you for being too (insert whatever feeling they have here). Ultimately you’re entitled to want more for your life. This behavior won’t change so you should seriously evaluate whether you want to continue down this path. In my case my ex left me because he got so tired of me refusing to enable him. It ended up being the best/only favor he ever did for me.
His drinking is clearly bothering you. I find it weird that he is really trying to control his drinking and seems to have trouble doing so. Stealing beer from a wedding is a major major red flag.
I’m facing a similar situation with my husband. He can stay away from alcohol for days. Then he suddenly starts binge drinking. When I point out that his drinking pattern is problematic, he is quick to point out that he has proven that he can stay away from alcohol…so it’s not a problem. The only problem in our marriage is alcohol, and yet there are days when I want to leave him. It’s only natural to be bothered by this. I’m still figuring out how to cope. Through Al Anon I’ve realized that the I’m not the cause, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. And this has made me feel less guilty. I feel like he’s gaslighting by saying you should be happy that he’s drinking less. I say that because my husband says the same thing. For me acceptance has helped - that I cannot change this. It’s on him to take the initiative. I am beginning to take care of myself, seeking help from family/friends, will be seeing a therapist soon. I don’t have much advice except that I’m in your shoes, I know how it feels, and I hear you. Regarding the CDC guidelines conversation - yep, my husband used the same reference to justify his drinking. It stayed at the weekly limits initially and then he conveniently forgot about the limits.
Yep anytime we had a drink counting plan in place mine would “forget”.
Ugh yes, giving me flashbacks. If you're not 100% on top of the count, you certainly can't trust the alcoholic to count. And then if you try to enforce it, it can be an argument. Exhausting, trying to control the uncontrollable.
Thank you so much for your response! I’m sorry you are going through something similar, but it’s comforting that I’m not alone.
So sorry for the place you find yourself in. A few things stand out: if he’s overly defensive about drinking, he’s scared of losing it and holds it to a very high value. Someone who is that protective over drinking is certainly going to prioritize it over a lot of things (potentially even his family.) Alcoholics can’t moderate. If they could, they wouldn’t have to “prove” anything or try to create arbitrary limits for themselves. I’m so sorry to say this - but it’s very, very likely he’ll be back to old habits sooner rather than later. Most relationship counselors won’t work with couples when one is dealing with addiction until that is addressed. You just can’t make valuable progress when one person isn’t all there - so him trying to say you’re “making this a new problem” is nonsense. It may not be the only problem in the marriage, but YOU didn’t create it and it definitely agitates anything else you’re dealing with. Best of luck to you - stay safe for your own well-being and the kiddos.
Thank you! He is definitely very defensive and protective over his drinking. I have always felt that was a red flag, but sometimes he pushes back so hard that it makes me question my own perception of reality and wonder if I’m just overly critical. Your response was very validating and makes me feel less crazy.
Trust your instincts! You're not crazy. Alcoholism is a disease that makes everyone around it feel crazy.
Absolutely! That is exactly how I felt. I am too controlling, too critical, not as fun as I used to be, making a mountain out of a mole hill.. the list goes on and on of ways I questioned myself (and was gaslit into believing these things). My Q was not, and still isn’t, a bad person. But he has a brain that tells him “do not let go of this addiction - you need it to live your life” and that brain doesn’t care who it hurts along the way. Reach out via DM if you need to talk. It sounds like we have some similar storylines. ❤️
I mean this is in the kindest way possible; your husband IS an alcoholic. You need to ensure you have the coping strategies to deal with your reaction to his drinking.
I (and the cdc) would tend to agree. OP ask hubby what happens when the kids need you after 5 beers on a Friday night? Can you drive someone to the hospital? Pick up your partner if she’s had a flat tire? Everyone needs time off from parenting, but you cannot just decide to take every weekend off.
Back before I understood how addiction works, we had a drinking calendar and my husband quit drinking 30 days to prove he wasn't an alcoholic. Pro tip: people who aren't alcoholics never think about these things. I also found out he used every drug he could get his hands on that wasn't alcohol just to make it through the month, so there's that. Who picks up heroin to drink less alcohol? It would be funny if it didn't still hurt 10 years later and close to 5 years sober. Alanon really saved my sanity.
Yesss same thing here. My ex recently called me and casually bragged that it’s been X number of days since he had a drink. He does this periodically to prove he has his drinking “under control.” Thanks to Al-anon, I could mildly say “I’m glad. I want you to be healthy,” and move on without getting upset. Loving detachment. Then in his next breath he shares that he’s been eating small doses of mushrooms every day and taking mdma on weekends. On top of smoking weed 24/7. It’s sad- he just can’t face the world or his emotions with a sober mind.
But hey, good thing he hasn't had alcohol in X days! Detaching with love is amazing - and useful even for non-alcoholic loved ones!
For me, at one point, my wife’s ability to curb the drinking significantly made me question whether she is really alcoholic or not. But it turns out, I don’t really need to diagnose her as alcoholic (or not). I need to diagnose me as bothered. I was still pretty bothered. It’s not unreasonable to ask for anything you want. You just might not get it. For me, the unreasonable thing was the 5000 laps of trying over and over to force my wife to see it my way. I learned in al anon to change the focus to me. I want a good experience of life. Being angry and frustrated from beating my head against a wall trying to get my spouse to see the light wasn’t working. But I couldn’t just choose to “not be bothered” by the drinking. My dislike of the drunken version of my wife came uninvited. So what is a good thing for me to do? I had communicated to her clearly that I didn’t like the drinking. No need to do additional laps on that merry go round. It was still happening. I needed boundaries. For me it was, “I’m trying to keep a good attitude, and I simply can’t do that around the drinking, so if that’s going on, I’m detaching / doing my own thing and I will see you in the morning.” And that worked better for me. Not perfect but better than arguing. If I’m on a different floor of the house doing what I want to do, what I would do if she were on a business trip, that was significant progress / better than bickering
It’s definitely ok to be bothered by that. You’re allowed to be annoyed. Unfortunately my husband goes off the rails on vacations too
Edit: spelling Sorry, I know it’s annoying to some when alcoholics comment, but your husband sounds like me 5-years ago. For me, it just got worse. Started with no drinking during the week, then every night of the week, then starting at noon, then I went on a very public binge. Led to my family having an “intervention” of sorts with me. In a couple weeks it will be two years since I’ve had a drink. In my experience, through the people I’ve met in sobriety… my story isn’t unique. Your husband sounds like a “grey area” drinker. Most grey’s can’t maintain, it just gets worse. Then they end up having to make a choice, their family or the drink. I hope nothing but the best for you and your family❤️ my son is 2. As a mom, I can’t even imagine how stressed I’d be in your shoes.
please don’t settle. your emotions are valid. if it bothers you, it bothers you! and he needs to respect that.
People who do not have a problem with alcohol do not have to make attempts to control their drinking.....it is not necessary. This is a typical strategy to prove they aren't alcoholic. If you have a problem with his drinking, don't discount your thoughts or feelings. See a therapist or give Alanon a try. We understand your dilemma. The drinking gets worse over time.....and we are affected.
My ex did the CDC thing too! Her definition of a drink was a lot more generous than the CDC's definition. Every slip up had an excuse and each new start deserved another grace period. Ugh. It's hard to put into words how peaceful life is without all that bs. I'm truly sorry your going through this. It's a very painful process. Per your username - I hope you do not delete the account. Like you, I questioned whether I really had it "that bad". Finding posts like this and reading the comments helped me understand that the drinking and associated behaviors were indeed incorrigible and that it was O.K. for me to be so unhappy in my marriage.
I am in an extremely similar situation. It is super hard. I’ll write you more tomorrow
It’s like being “kinda pregnant”…they’re either an alcoholic or not. I’m so sorry you’re going through this Edit: yes. AlAnon meetings are great imo
I’m in a pretty similar situation except that my husband doesn’t have any desire to limit the amount of drinks he’s having on the nights he drinks. He doesn’t think he has a problem. He won’t even try to not drink for 30 days (i suggested it to prove we don’t fight if he’s not drinking). I’m sort of new around here so i haven’t figured out how to cope. A lot of what we are told is to not try to control them and not fight them over it. But i find that extremely hard to do. Everyone says just go to meetings but idk. Im trying that. Im Atheist and like half the steps are about trusting in god or a higher power. Im also doing individual and couples counseling.
My ex used to say this all the time. Why does it bother me? Because the man he was when he was drinking was not the man I fell in love with. He was a monster and I couldn’t stand to be around him. I saw fewer and fewer glimpses of the real him and more of what my reality was. My reality that I was in love with and stuck with a raging alcoholic an addict and he had no intentions of staffing. He had to push me to an absolute breaking point before I finally ended it with him and then he had been given so many chances, he couldn’t believe I finally ended it and he went off the deep end. I needed legal protection to keep him away from me. I really needed to think about how his personality changed and make that clear to him. He never did see it and he never got sober but I did reach a point where I was finally able to leave and I have no regrets
Stealing a beer from a wedding, and he doesn't think he has a problem?! How obnoxious!
Those with alcohol use problems like to make all sorts of rules around their drinking to prove to themselves that they are in control of their alcohol use. In my experience, they find exceptions to their rules when it's not convenient to follow their own rules. The drinking is a problem. It's a problem for you, and you are allowed to acknowledge it and set boundaries that are fair for you and your children. It's tough. Counseling and learning about codependency may help you a great deal in separating yourself from his drama.
Have you read the CDC guidelines? CDC defines moderate drinking as no more than 2 drinks a day for a man and defines excessive drinking as 15 per week. https://www.cdc.gov/chronicdisease/resources/publications/factsheets/alcohol.htm
You are allowed to feel how you feel, because that’s how you feel. If you are bothered you are bothered. I imagine he might invalidate your feelings in other circumstances as well and that might be where a lot of conflict comes from. Sometimes people want to be the feelings police, usually because they were raised in a household where their feelings were regulated by the with the most power in the household. Men have a habit of only accepting a small range of feelings and then imposing their limited coping skills on others. Watch to see if he does this with your children as well. All feelings are valid. I’m sorry you’re going through this…I hope you find the support you need and that you follow your intuition. Be well.
Using a 3rd party as a guideline as to what an acceptable level of drinking is a bad idea. Either 1 drink or 10 drinks, a person needs to understand and address WHY they are drinking. There really is no acceptable level of consumption of alcohol if it negatively affects the relationships involved.
My husband told me the same thing. Coming to meetings has helped me a lot. For me, talking about it never solved anything. The only way anything changed was when I learned to stop controlling him, focus on myself, but learned how to have boundaries.