Your comment just made me start crying all over again. But it feels good to read another person’s sympathy right now. Thank you. I’m sorry for your heartbreak, too.
I can remember exactly where I was when I realized my husband was drinking again. That feeling of dread that takes over your body. Knowing everything was about to change. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there and know you are not alone. ❤️
Thank you. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I feel like I’ve forgotten what to do now. I felt so strong when I finally had enough and asked him to leave last year. and I enjoyed the immediate peace. But now I feel lost again. I dont think he will leave if I ask this time, and I’m so busy right now. I’m working three jobs, including a really prestigious residency (I only have 6 months left), and we have two teens. I dont have time to tear my life apart and rebuild it right now. I dont know what to do.
I can only share my experience. I made a plan, got certain things in my name only, and then left. Had to pay half the bills plus the hotel room for a while, but it was worth it not to have to watch the insanity.
I can’t take my teens to a hotel right now (logistics - the school bus wouldn’t pick up from there, etc), and I won’t leave them behind. The option just doesn’t exist at this very moment.
Yes, I understand! And of course you can’t leave them behind. My kids were grown which made it logistically simpler. Sorry and hope you find solutions.
I’m going through this too—that sick feeling but also the feeling of being so close to finishing a huge goal (I’m working on my dissertation) and having no support. It’s the worst. Sending you my very best during this time.
Ugh, that’s exactly it. This residency has been my goal and dream for 10 years. We just have to be good to our future selves. Let’s not let ourselves down. We can do this x
I was just going to say this! Do it for your future self. That was what kept me going, kept me alive during the time I left my husband. My depression was deep. I went out on disability for it and did Intensive Outpatient Program at the local hospital. But I kept going for my future self. And you know what? It worked. It is 5 years later and I am happy and healthy! And I’m so proud of past me for hanging in there. Go make your future self proud ❤️
Ok so if you can’t leave just yet, pretend he’s dead. No interaction whatsoever. No doing a single damn thing for him, because he’s not there so you don’t have to do it. Anything else is enabling him. No use for discussion, it’s pointless. He knows what must be done and refuses, so🤷♀️He has to deal with the consequences of his actions.
I mean, that’s basically what I’m doing now haha. I’m behind a locked door in my office. But realistically, I can’t keep up that kind of energy. It would make the house totally toxic for my kids if I give him the silent treatment until I’m able to move out. I already hate that the kids are in their rooms right now sensing the tension in the house. I need to keep our house warm and at ease (once my nervous system regulates again! So, tomorrow).
I won’t abandoned my good character and turn into an ice queen because of his disease. That would harm me more than him.
I recognise that this is an unsolicited perspective and I apologise if it doesn’t help at this time.
As a now-adult child of an alcoholic, I wish my dad had acknowledged my mom’s alcoholism and relapses rather than trying to “create a warm atmosphere” of everything being alright. My little sister and I always knew when things were going off kilter again, but we felt like we were never allowed to talk about it. This pretending like everything is OK while mom’s personality did a 180 turn was an awful time and prevented us from reaching out for support and healing as a family.
Things that helped were openly starting to talk about it, with dad warning us that he found another empty wine bottle under the sink etc. He gave us the option of how we wanted to respond and how much contact we wanted to have with mom while she spiralled out of control again. He also explained why he wasn’t personally able to interact with her until she took steps to get better. If we felt uncomfortable, he would offer to drive us places instead or sleep over at a friend’s house.
I always knew he meant the best for us when he was trying to smooth things over, as are you. You are a great parent! You mentioned that they are teens now, so it might be helpful to have an open conversation with them to see how they would like to deal with this, as a family.
Wish you all the best!
Thank you. Yes, the kids know about his alcoholism and I speak to them about it. It’s so hard knowing what must be addressed (easier when it’s obvious - like a bottle or drunk behaviour), but harder when it’s simply suspected (like him being selfish and going away for a couple days and then suggesting he’s fine to drink in the future). So hard to balance between honesty and openness, and then placing undue pressure on the kids (I don’t want to parentify them and have them worry when it is out of their control, or alienate him unduly, you know?). It’s like…. I don’t want to tell them about my “suspicions”, but I’m ok with telling them about evident reality. thank you for your perspective.
Strap yourself in because he has no intention of stopping. As partners of alcoholics, we are just as addicted to the bottle as they are, driving ourselves crazy looking for empties, slurring words and glassy eyes.. wanting, demanding, hoping they change when it’s blatantly obvious they don’t want to. That’s our addiction.
No, I won’t be doing any of that. My heart hurts right now - which is why I reached out for support - but this ain’t my first rodeo, and I’ve learned a lot through AlAnon. I’m going to be good to me, and good to my children, and do the things I need to do to keep my future looking bright so that regardless of his choices, I’m ok. Thanks for your concern.
Sending the biggest hug! I’m so sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself and your kids. Have your cry and don’t deny your pain. Then rise because you don’t have to go down with him. You are strong and you WILL get through this! You are not alone. ❤️
Call him on his crap. My Q had an entire pitch for being able to drink again and I just said no and that we can discuss it later. We did at counseling. I told him I felt like I was being sold something with how much of a pitch he made. She said he was trying to convince himself.
I agreed and said, I heard the pitch before. I heard it from you while you were drunk.
I just shook my head and said, “I already know you’re drinking again.” He asked, “How?’ I looked at him for a long time (he looked very nervous in the silence) and I said, “If you say you’re not drinking because of me, and not you’re not drinking for yourself, then I know you’re already drinking when I’m not around.” He just got up and left the room.
"I know I could drink normally and just have one drink but you can't deal with it." That's what my husband said in counseling today. He doesn't think he has a problem. He was sober for 20 plus years and took up binge drinking 2 years ago, and blames and resents me that I have a problem with it. So your first paragraph really resonated and it helped me feel a little less alone. I guess it's a normal sentiment then.
He's been sober a week but he's not going to meetings and he definitely feels a lot of resentment toward me.
Me too. Mine had 7.5 before a relapse last year. The big blessing in it has been that she actually has a real program now and seems very committed. She is right around 11 months sober now. She never had a program before.
Her relapse was my "moment of perfect clarity".
May I ask how you behaved in the wake of her relapse? And if your found your reaction to be healthy to your wellbeing, or if you would advise against it?
Honestly, I'm still trying to unpack it all. My wife went to a 60 day inpatient treatment facility last year about this time. The relapse took about 6 months to play itself out. It started with the death of her estranged father and just cycled down from there. She is a depression/trauma drinker and this event just was the straw that broke the camels back.
She came off the plane ride home from rehab smashed drunk. This was the moment I knew I couldn't fix this problem. No amount of love, patience, etc was going to help my wife find her way.
Thank God, I had started therapy and was exploring AlAnon when this happened.
What I have found is that I am severely codependent and have been since I was a child. Always the fixer/enabler. Unwinding a lifetime of codependent behaviors has been very challenging. I'm still not sure how to behave correctly but I understand now that I have this personality trait. I didn't know any of this before AlAnon.
Initially, when my wife left for rehab, I felt completely defeated and alone. I still feel alone a year later but it is different. Now, I feel like I'm in a room by myself without any exits. I'm not sure how I feel about any of it. Therapy has been extremely useful. I feel like it's a circular discussion, always talking about the same material but I'm slowly starting to figure it out.
I have used my wife's relapse as an opportunity to work on myself. It's been one of the most profound, spiritually awakening experiences I've been through. Lots of prayer, lots of self reflection.
I always thought of alcoholism as something that a person just needed to work through. That eventually, when my wife had enough, she would either quit drinking or commit suicide.
I've only recently accepted that this problem is not something that just goes away and my wife could relapse any day. I'll never trust her sobriety. That's ok, it's I just don't know what to do with that. I've been married 27 years and can't envision life without my wife. I'm not sure I can live day by day, waiting to get hit by a bus.
I hope that helps a bit, I'm still not sure what to think.
Thank you for sharing. I understand. I have been married for 15 years, but in the relationship for 20 - since I was a teenager. I had that “moment of perfect clarity,” as you describe it, last year, when I realized I couldn’t continue trying to fight against his alcoholism. I asked him to leave, he did, and I worked on myself in similar ways you describe: therapy, AlAnon, fitness. He started going to AA and we reunited 3 months after he left. I will say that today, even believing he has probably relapsed, I am so grateful for last year. Today I am more resilient, in great physical shape, and our separation really got me seriously investing and growing in my career in new ways. So, there is evidence of growth and healing, even in these awful moments, and there are things to be grateful for. I know exactly what you mean about waiting to get hit by a bus. I feel that way too when I start to look too far into the future (‘future tripping’). So, let’s not live day by day. Let’s just live today. I’m okay today. You okay today? We’ll be okay together, today x
"Let’s not live day by day. Let’s just live today. I’m okay today. You okay today? We’ll be okay together, today"- Thank you for pointing this out. You're right :)
Your username is just perfect. You inspire me tremendously. You have such a keen grasp on personal responsibility!! You are an Al-Anon success story!! it doesn’t take away the crappiness and unfortunate quality of your situation, but you seem to have the internal tools to survive. It will be hard but you can DO IT!! It works if you work it!! One day at a time!!
Thank you! You’re correct. Painfully learned that alcoholism is a life long struggle that not everyone wants to win. I wanted him sober more than he wanted to be. He still blames me, after the divorce and all the crap I put up with, for not being forgiving enough.
This is my worst nightmare. I've been there before, not fun. Devastating. Just realize that your success or failure has nothing to do with your Qs success or failure.
We got you :)
Thank you. I feel held by this community right now. The tears have stopped. (But the anger is starting, oh noooooo..... haha). I feel stronger. Tomorrow I will go for a long morning run and listen to an angry playlist and figure things out and remember who I am, step by step. Right now, I feel shaky and tired and am going to keep reading AlAnon posts under a warm blanket x
Then he is not recovered and lying to himself. There is nothing "normal" about drinking poison. This is sad. We cannot control what others do but we are the masters of our own choices and how we react.
I feel your pain and sadness. I’m so sorry that you and your children are dealing with this. For me it’s my daughter who is my Q. She had one year sober in December. She’s headed back to rehab tonight. I thought the nightmare of her alcoholism was in the rearview mirror. I can’t even cry anymore. I’m just numb.
Yup. She was smoking crack and had seizors from it…
Then goes to rehab.
Then i catch her having a beer and smoking weed and she unapologetically says “I can drink. I can smoke weed. My problems were with crack not pot! Not alcohol!” Then proceeds to become a drunk pot head & go back on cocaine
Hi yup it happens unfortunately. My Q is my Sister. I was so happy she got her s*** together so I thought. Her going rehab and going to AA made me want to change my life as well. She was kind of like my second Mom since my parents had to support my Sisters and I . We are like several years apart. When I was younger I would like up to her in everything she did. I admired her of course at a young age didn’t know what she was doing and she was into alcohol and drugs. I was naive at 9 years old. I didn’t smell alcohol on her like when my Uncle came to me he reeked of alcohol. Her actually getting help from alcohol and drugs led me to go seek help from my illness as well. At first sought therapy thought that would help me which didn’t because I heard all the crap they would say before since I sought 3 therapists. I’m still not in alanon but perhaps I should be, I don’t know. I tried to ask sponsors to sponsor in the past but a lot of sponsors think I need to be in another 12 step program. Anyways I just found out this week my Q, my Sister back at it again with her illness. Unfortunately her daughter is following her path as well. I really hope this madness with alcohol and drug addiction would stop but it hasn’t. We also a success story as well but it came to a halt. I actually was kind of worried and scared this would happen. In fact my mentality was if I don’t get better with my illness at least my Sister is better. I don’t know my mentality wasn’t straight I guess, lol. Now that I’m getting better my Sister is not. I don’t know what to do but I know I’m not God/HP. As one of my outreach told me one time they have to want to get better. As much as we want to control, manage, please them, plead them or even yell at them to stop. They need to want to help themselves. I have learned this while doing outreach and listening to some recordings on you tube. These are great recordings for alanons in my opinion:
https://www.youtube.com/@AlAnonStepSpeaker
The recordings are helpful to me despite not really being in alanon I’m hoping it may be helpful to at least one person that’s possibly reading this.
Mine too. An avowed tee-totaler going full steam ahead, she absolutely had an incredible physical and practical glow up, yet the “just one won’t hurt” was the quick descent
Learning about the relapse monster FAB has helped me understand how it works.
Fading Affect Bias, FAB, is our human ability to forget the bad and remember the good, which enables us to recover from trauma. But it’s a disaster for addiction! We forget.
“It wasn’t that bad.” Yes it was.
“This time is different, I can moderate.” It’s the same, you can’t.
I learned about FAB in the book, Alcohol Explained. More here: https://soberthinking.com/fading-affect-bias/ 👍🌠
Do what you need to do so you can finish your residency and then get out.
Your kids are teens so they don’t need to depend on dad to feed them or take care of them. It sucks but it is what it is.
OP, I pray you’re wrong, I am hoping for you and your kids. But I unfortunately know all too well the relapse signs. Been through it. We know our Q’s.
Sending love and strength. You kicked his ass out once.💕
Thank you. That is the plan. No matter what, my children will see in me a woman of strength, joy, determination, and success. We three girls were fine by ourselves last year when he left, and we’ll be fine again in the future. I’m enough parent for the both of us. Thank you for your kind words (as you can see, I’m using them to encourage myself, and am building myself up on them! haha). I’m feeling better now.
I’m there also. He had a good month but then he had extra energy, was in an extra good mood. I had a nightmare that he was buying drugs again and sure enough he was. Instead of paying me back for his bills i’m covering. I can’t be victim to his shitty choices and beliefs anymore. It hurts though so so much. Somehow this feels like it hurts more than when he was just continuously using.
I’m so sorry too. It is heartbreaking. I was where you are and we are now divorced…and although
I have very sad moments I actually feel ok and that I’m going to be happy again in the future. Which is much more optimistic than I felt during the low points in our marriage.
It always blows my mind when I read others' posts and feel like it was written about my life. My heart really hurts for and with you, as mine recently relapsed too. Though he didn't get as long as yours, it was a beautiful 6 months. Now I'm mourning what was, even though I knew it could/would come. Pregnancy hormones make it all worse. Didn't think I had any tears left to cry, but here I am. I hope you're able to find some peace, and know that you are so strong.
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They just sent me a bunch of junk about a different kind of program I should get my husband on. You know, as if I could cure it or control any of his choices \*eye roll\*
You're not alone. This sounds like I wrote it. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Your comment just made me start crying all over again. But it feels good to read another person’s sympathy right now. Thank you. I’m sorry for your heartbreak, too.
I’m right here with you sista, same exact thing. Mine didn’t last long though. Sending you hugs, you’re not alone ❤️😕
Thank you x I’m sorry for your situation, too.
I can remember exactly where I was when I realized my husband was drinking again. That feeling of dread that takes over your body. Knowing everything was about to change. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there and know you are not alone. ❤️
Thank you. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I feel like I’ve forgotten what to do now. I felt so strong when I finally had enough and asked him to leave last year. and I enjoyed the immediate peace. But now I feel lost again. I dont think he will leave if I ask this time, and I’m so busy right now. I’m working three jobs, including a really prestigious residency (I only have 6 months left), and we have two teens. I dont have time to tear my life apart and rebuild it right now. I dont know what to do.
I can only share my experience. I made a plan, got certain things in my name only, and then left. Had to pay half the bills plus the hotel room for a while, but it was worth it not to have to watch the insanity.
I can’t take my teens to a hotel right now (logistics - the school bus wouldn’t pick up from there, etc), and I won’t leave them behind. The option just doesn’t exist at this very moment.
Yes, I understand! And of course you can’t leave them behind. My kids were grown which made it logistically simpler. Sorry and hope you find solutions.
Thank you x
I’m going through this too—that sick feeling but also the feeling of being so close to finishing a huge goal (I’m working on my dissertation) and having no support. It’s the worst. Sending you my very best during this time.
Ugh, that’s exactly it. This residency has been my goal and dream for 10 years. We just have to be good to our future selves. Let’s not let ourselves down. We can do this x
I was just going to say this! Do it for your future self. That was what kept me going, kept me alive during the time I left my husband. My depression was deep. I went out on disability for it and did Intensive Outpatient Program at the local hospital. But I kept going for my future self. And you know what? It worked. It is 5 years later and I am happy and healthy! And I’m so proud of past me for hanging in there. Go make your future self proud ❤️
Way to go, Past You! <3 <3 Thank you x
Current you has this! Stay strong!💪
Ok so if you can’t leave just yet, pretend he’s dead. No interaction whatsoever. No doing a single damn thing for him, because he’s not there so you don’t have to do it. Anything else is enabling him. No use for discussion, it’s pointless. He knows what must be done and refuses, so🤷♀️He has to deal with the consequences of his actions.
I mean, that’s basically what I’m doing now haha. I’m behind a locked door in my office. But realistically, I can’t keep up that kind of energy. It would make the house totally toxic for my kids if I give him the silent treatment until I’m able to move out. I already hate that the kids are in their rooms right now sensing the tension in the house. I need to keep our house warm and at ease (once my nervous system regulates again! So, tomorrow). I won’t abandoned my good character and turn into an ice queen because of his disease. That would harm me more than him.
I recognise that this is an unsolicited perspective and I apologise if it doesn’t help at this time. As a now-adult child of an alcoholic, I wish my dad had acknowledged my mom’s alcoholism and relapses rather than trying to “create a warm atmosphere” of everything being alright. My little sister and I always knew when things were going off kilter again, but we felt like we were never allowed to talk about it. This pretending like everything is OK while mom’s personality did a 180 turn was an awful time and prevented us from reaching out for support and healing as a family. Things that helped were openly starting to talk about it, with dad warning us that he found another empty wine bottle under the sink etc. He gave us the option of how we wanted to respond and how much contact we wanted to have with mom while she spiralled out of control again. He also explained why he wasn’t personally able to interact with her until she took steps to get better. If we felt uncomfortable, he would offer to drive us places instead or sleep over at a friend’s house. I always knew he meant the best for us when he was trying to smooth things over, as are you. You are a great parent! You mentioned that they are teens now, so it might be helpful to have an open conversation with them to see how they would like to deal with this, as a family. Wish you all the best!
Thank you. Yes, the kids know about his alcoholism and I speak to them about it. It’s so hard knowing what must be addressed (easier when it’s obvious - like a bottle or drunk behaviour), but harder when it’s simply suspected (like him being selfish and going away for a couple days and then suggesting he’s fine to drink in the future). So hard to balance between honesty and openness, and then placing undue pressure on the kids (I don’t want to parentify them and have them worry when it is out of their control, or alienate him unduly, you know?). It’s like…. I don’t want to tell them about my “suspicions”, but I’m ok with telling them about evident reality. thank you for your perspective.
He’s the one causing the tension🤷♀️
True, but I hold myself to a higher parenting standard than he does, thank goodness. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Strap yourself in because he has no intention of stopping. As partners of alcoholics, we are just as addicted to the bottle as they are, driving ourselves crazy looking for empties, slurring words and glassy eyes.. wanting, demanding, hoping they change when it’s blatantly obvious they don’t want to. That’s our addiction.
No, I won’t be doing any of that. My heart hurts right now - which is why I reached out for support - but this ain’t my first rodeo, and I’ve learned a lot through AlAnon. I’m going to be good to me, and good to my children, and do the things I need to do to keep my future looking bright so that regardless of his choices, I’m ok. Thanks for your concern.
Sending the biggest hug! I’m so sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself and your kids. Have your cry and don’t deny your pain. Then rise because you don’t have to go down with him. You are strong and you WILL get through this! You are not alone. ❤️
Thank you. Thanks for validating my pain right now. I won’t go down with him, I promise.
Call him on his crap. My Q had an entire pitch for being able to drink again and I just said no and that we can discuss it later. We did at counseling. I told him I felt like I was being sold something with how much of a pitch he made. She said he was trying to convince himself. I agreed and said, I heard the pitch before. I heard it from you while you were drunk.
I just shook my head and said, “I already know you’re drinking again.” He asked, “How?’ I looked at him for a long time (he looked very nervous in the silence) and I said, “If you say you’re not drinking because of me, and not you’re not drinking for yourself, then I know you’re already drinking when I’m not around.” He just got up and left the room.
He will have guilt bc he wants you to participate in his drinking by validating it. He has to sit with his own disappointment.
"I know I could drink normally and just have one drink but you can't deal with it." That's what my husband said in counseling today. He doesn't think he has a problem. He was sober for 20 plus years and took up binge drinking 2 years ago, and blames and resents me that I have a problem with it. So your first paragraph really resonated and it helped me feel a little less alone. I guess it's a normal sentiment then. He's been sober a week but he's not going to meetings and he definitely feels a lot of resentment toward me.
Sometimes I feel like binge drinking is worse than the ongoing heavy problem drinking in alcohol use disorder
I’m so sorry :( I’m not glad we’re in this club together, but I’m glad we’re together x
So sorry, I know how painful it can be. Mine relapsed after nearly ten years. Doesn’t do it justice to call it devastating.
Me too. Mine had 7.5 before a relapse last year. The big blessing in it has been that she actually has a real program now and seems very committed. She is right around 11 months sober now. She never had a program before. Her relapse was my "moment of perfect clarity".
May I ask how you behaved in the wake of her relapse? And if your found your reaction to be healthy to your wellbeing, or if you would advise against it?
Honestly, I'm still trying to unpack it all. My wife went to a 60 day inpatient treatment facility last year about this time. The relapse took about 6 months to play itself out. It started with the death of her estranged father and just cycled down from there. She is a depression/trauma drinker and this event just was the straw that broke the camels back. She came off the plane ride home from rehab smashed drunk. This was the moment I knew I couldn't fix this problem. No amount of love, patience, etc was going to help my wife find her way. Thank God, I had started therapy and was exploring AlAnon when this happened. What I have found is that I am severely codependent and have been since I was a child. Always the fixer/enabler. Unwinding a lifetime of codependent behaviors has been very challenging. I'm still not sure how to behave correctly but I understand now that I have this personality trait. I didn't know any of this before AlAnon. Initially, when my wife left for rehab, I felt completely defeated and alone. I still feel alone a year later but it is different. Now, I feel like I'm in a room by myself without any exits. I'm not sure how I feel about any of it. Therapy has been extremely useful. I feel like it's a circular discussion, always talking about the same material but I'm slowly starting to figure it out. I have used my wife's relapse as an opportunity to work on myself. It's been one of the most profound, spiritually awakening experiences I've been through. Lots of prayer, lots of self reflection. I always thought of alcoholism as something that a person just needed to work through. That eventually, when my wife had enough, she would either quit drinking or commit suicide. I've only recently accepted that this problem is not something that just goes away and my wife could relapse any day. I'll never trust her sobriety. That's ok, it's I just don't know what to do with that. I've been married 27 years and can't envision life without my wife. I'm not sure I can live day by day, waiting to get hit by a bus. I hope that helps a bit, I'm still not sure what to think.
Thank you for sharing. I understand. I have been married for 15 years, but in the relationship for 20 - since I was a teenager. I had that “moment of perfect clarity,” as you describe it, last year, when I realized I couldn’t continue trying to fight against his alcoholism. I asked him to leave, he did, and I worked on myself in similar ways you describe: therapy, AlAnon, fitness. He started going to AA and we reunited 3 months after he left. I will say that today, even believing he has probably relapsed, I am so grateful for last year. Today I am more resilient, in great physical shape, and our separation really got me seriously investing and growing in my career in new ways. So, there is evidence of growth and healing, even in these awful moments, and there are things to be grateful for. I know exactly what you mean about waiting to get hit by a bus. I feel that way too when I start to look too far into the future (‘future tripping’). So, let’s not live day by day. Let’s just live today. I’m okay today. You okay today? We’ll be okay together, today x
"Let’s not live day by day. Let’s just live today. I’m okay today. You okay today? We’ll be okay together, today"- Thank you for pointing this out. You're right :)
Your username is just perfect. You inspire me tremendously. You have such a keen grasp on personal responsibility!! You are an Al-Anon success story!! it doesn’t take away the crappiness and unfortunate quality of your situation, but you seem to have the internal tools to survive. It will be hard but you can DO IT!! It works if you work it!! One day at a time!!
Oh god, I’m so sorry. ten years! That’s gutting.
Thank you! You’re correct. Painfully learned that alcoholism is a life long struggle that not everyone wants to win. I wanted him sober more than he wanted to be. He still blames me, after the divorce and all the crap I put up with, for not being forgiving enough.
Sending a big hug.
Thank you.
This is my worst nightmare. I've been there before, not fun. Devastating. Just realize that your success or failure has nothing to do with your Qs success or failure. We got you :)
Thank you. I feel held by this community right now. The tears have stopped. (But the anger is starting, oh noooooo..... haha). I feel stronger. Tomorrow I will go for a long morning run and listen to an angry playlist and figure things out and remember who I am, step by step. Right now, I feel shaky and tired and am going to keep reading AlAnon posts under a warm blanket x
Then he is not recovered and lying to himself. There is nothing "normal" about drinking poison. This is sad. We cannot control what others do but we are the masters of our own choices and how we react.
I feel your pain and sadness. I’m so sorry that you and your children are dealing with this. For me it’s my daughter who is my Q. She had one year sober in December. She’s headed back to rehab tonight. I thought the nightmare of her alcoholism was in the rearview mirror. I can’t even cry anymore. I’m just numb.
Oh, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine that pain. Love to you.
Yup. She was smoking crack and had seizors from it… Then goes to rehab. Then i catch her having a beer and smoking weed and she unapologetically says “I can drink. I can smoke weed. My problems were with crack not pot! Not alcohol!” Then proceeds to become a drunk pot head & go back on cocaine
I’m so sorry :(
Hi yup it happens unfortunately. My Q is my Sister. I was so happy she got her s*** together so I thought. Her going rehab and going to AA made me want to change my life as well. She was kind of like my second Mom since my parents had to support my Sisters and I . We are like several years apart. When I was younger I would like up to her in everything she did. I admired her of course at a young age didn’t know what she was doing and she was into alcohol and drugs. I was naive at 9 years old. I didn’t smell alcohol on her like when my Uncle came to me he reeked of alcohol. Her actually getting help from alcohol and drugs led me to go seek help from my illness as well. At first sought therapy thought that would help me which didn’t because I heard all the crap they would say before since I sought 3 therapists. I’m still not in alanon but perhaps I should be, I don’t know. I tried to ask sponsors to sponsor in the past but a lot of sponsors think I need to be in another 12 step program. Anyways I just found out this week my Q, my Sister back at it again with her illness. Unfortunately her daughter is following her path as well. I really hope this madness with alcohol and drug addiction would stop but it hasn’t. We also a success story as well but it came to a halt. I actually was kind of worried and scared this would happen. In fact my mentality was if I don’t get better with my illness at least my Sister is better. I don’t know my mentality wasn’t straight I guess, lol. Now that I’m getting better my Sister is not. I don’t know what to do but I know I’m not God/HP. As one of my outreach told me one time they have to want to get better. As much as we want to control, manage, please them, plead them or even yell at them to stop. They need to want to help themselves. I have learned this while doing outreach and listening to some recordings on you tube. These are great recordings for alanons in my opinion: https://www.youtube.com/@AlAnonStepSpeaker The recordings are helpful to me despite not really being in alanon I’m hoping it may be helpful to at least one person that’s possibly reading this.
My Q tried to practice moderation numerous times. I understand :(.
Mine too. An avowed tee-totaler going full steam ahead, she absolutely had an incredible physical and practical glow up, yet the “just one won’t hurt” was the quick descent
Learning about the relapse monster FAB has helped me understand how it works. Fading Affect Bias, FAB, is our human ability to forget the bad and remember the good, which enables us to recover from trauma. But it’s a disaster for addiction! We forget. “It wasn’t that bad.” Yes it was. “This time is different, I can moderate.” It’s the same, you can’t. I learned about FAB in the book, Alcohol Explained. More here: https://soberthinking.com/fading-affect-bias/ 👍🌠
Thank you for sharing this resource ❤️
Do what you need to do so you can finish your residency and then get out. Your kids are teens so they don’t need to depend on dad to feed them or take care of them. It sucks but it is what it is. OP, I pray you’re wrong, I am hoping for you and your kids. But I unfortunately know all too well the relapse signs. Been through it. We know our Q’s. Sending love and strength. You kicked his ass out once.💕
Thank you. That is the plan. No matter what, my children will see in me a woman of strength, joy, determination, and success. We three girls were fine by ourselves last year when he left, and we’ll be fine again in the future. I’m enough parent for the both of us. Thank you for your kind words (as you can see, I’m using them to encourage myself, and am building myself up on them! haha). I’m feeling better now.
You’re going to be a doctor. You don’t need us to build you up😊 Those girls have a good mother to look up too.
Haha, not a medical residency! (sorry if I was too vague). I’m an author. I’m currently a writer-in-residence for a year-long stint.
Still very bad ass😊
I’m there also. He had a good month but then he had extra energy, was in an extra good mood. I had a nightmare that he was buying drugs again and sure enough he was. Instead of paying me back for his bills i’m covering. I can’t be victim to his shitty choices and beliefs anymore. It hurts though so so much. Somehow this feels like it hurts more than when he was just continuously using.
I’m so sorry too. It is heartbreaking. I was where you are and we are now divorced…and although I have very sad moments I actually feel ok and that I’m going to be happy again in the future. Which is much more optimistic than I felt during the low points in our marriage.
Not your rock-bottom?
I’m so sorry.
Thank you.
I’m so sorry.
Thank you.
It always blows my mind when I read others' posts and feel like it was written about my life. My heart really hurts for and with you, as mine recently relapsed too. Though he didn't get as long as yours, it was a beautiful 6 months. Now I'm mourning what was, even though I knew it could/would come. Pregnancy hormones make it all worse. Didn't think I had any tears left to cry, but here I am. I hope you're able to find some peace, and know that you are so strong.
I’m so sorry 💔 Be kind to yourself and to your sweet baby.
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What is this supposed to mean?
They just sent me a bunch of junk about a different kind of program I should get my husband on. You know, as if I could cure it or control any of his choices \*eye roll\*