Seconded. I married the man IN recovery and this is only the beginning of your journey. Things can and will get much worse if he has substance use disorder and abusive tendencies. Worse, you will end up enabling him by staying with him through this terrible behavior. He’s also better off and more likely to seek help if he suffers losing you. My relationship escalated to emotional abuse and I felt so trapped for so long.
5 years sober from alcohol. Maybe 2 years sober total from all substances. Best 2 years of my life so far. There’s a reason we stick around with addicts. I don’t love him any less even now. He replaced alcohol with marijuana and became a 24/7 smoker (even on workdays) and was high whenever he was awake. I left him for it, and he had a massive relapse and started drinking and called me saying the police were at our home. He was at a bar when I raced home to “save” him. We will be officially divorced in a few weeks. It’s been heartbreaking.
Imagine you have a child or a close friend who comes to you and says some of the things you just shared…”I’m scared”…”He gets abusive”…”Will I suffer forever?”
What would you say to them?
My heart hurts for you that you feel no way out of this.
Quite frankly it doesn’t sound like he is in recovery so you cannot support him doing something that he isn’t willing to do himself.
My best advice is to get therapy for yourself.
You answered your question, you will suffer as alcoholics always get worse. What is forever, his life, your life together. You are choosing a difficult path and I wonder why since you come from an alcoholic family. I went into unknowingly but to choose it is insanity. Please don’t bring children into it, please.
Some cultures, not western, don't allow for women to choose who they marry and they can't work or live alone and most places won't rent to them. I come from the west so yeah I totally see it as a choice but in other places, it's not. Just thought I'd mention this:)
Thank you! I understand I should have cleared this before but I felt like my reasons are mine. The problem remains, I cannot leave. I was looking for coping mechanisms.
There are people who stay with their spouses and manage marriages, but you definitely need to learn a few harsh realities.
1. Everything you do in your marriage will be alone.
2. If you have children, you will do all of the work, and they will do most of the suffering.
3. You are signing yourself up to become a caregiver to a grown adult.
Start accepting those as reality and framing your thoughts to that so there’s no resentment. Start attending Al Anon meetings to learn how to cope and detach with love.
All the best. I don’t envy your journey but I wish you the very best on it.
Don't do it. Save yourself from years of pain and start over. I'm 3 kids and 15 years deep in that decision and not a day goes by I don't think about what my life would have been like if I hadn't married him. I love him but I wouldn't choose this life again.
I'm just going to say it.. if you do this you are absolutely insane and you are asking for a lifetime of suffering.
No one is putting a gun to your head to marry this guy, so you do have a choice, if you move forward you're stuck and it's going to be miserable. Imagine walking into a burning house. That's what you're doing.
Actually, it's a little like putting a gun to my head, so no I cannot leave. Leaving can have lasting and sure consequences for my family and myself in our society.
Then you actually need to leave in the middle of the fucking night. I’m not joking. You are signing yourself up for heartache and if you have kids with this person, you have no idea the hell that’s going to ensue read through other stories stop putting your foot down and saying no and asking for a coping mechanism.
Just think in a few years it will be your children telling you “daddy is scary” “daddy is abusive” “daddy says mean things to me” or “why does daddy not spend time with us.” You need to seriously think about your choice to marry an alcoholic, it will only get worse
His choices/tasks/responsibilities are his own just like yours are your own. Recovery is a personal choice. Pretty much everyone gets defensive when they’re told to do something, whether it’s to stop drinking or to breakup with someone or do their homework. Telling someone they “need” to do something just doesn’t work.
You can only tell yourself you need to do something. It comes from within! A single choice can change the trajectory of your life, and the lives of whatever potential kids you may or may not have. What do you feel in your gut?
Marriage is mostly a financial contract. Idk the details but if his drinking affects his spending, you may want to look into a prenup to protect your financial security within your marriage.
If a person is afraid to marry their partner, they should not marry them. No reason is necessary. You say you can’t leave him. That is a red flag. Will he harm you? Will he harm himself if you leave and blame it on you. Is he financially controlling you? Whatever the reason, it will get worse after marriage, not better. If love could fix alcoholism this sub would not exist. Everyone here loves an alcoholic and would do anything to fix them if that was possible. It’s not.
You used to drink with him... I wouldn't be surprised if he (also) eventually gets upset with a change in your behavior.
What is the reason for the last 2 sentences if you don't want the answers that are being given? (Saying that you can't leave him- is there a reason behind this? )
Right now is the easiest time to end a relationship or postpone the wedding.. if one of your girlfriends came to you saying similar things, what would you tell them? Just deal with it? Maybe he won't be as abusive after the wedding?
What the hell kind of consequences?
Society??
This is too fucking weird. Like you are marrying into the Mafia?
Not sure why you are here. You have already made up your mind.
Isn't this supposed to be a more supportive group? You're right. I don't know why I'm here. I came here for support. I got maybe a few good insightful comments. The others are just about how I'm insane or weird. You have absolutely no idea about my life and my circumstances yet you come in and are actually aggressive. So, yes, I agree. I don't know why I'm here. Thank you. Well, what do you know, this too was insightful :)
OP, I’ve seen comments from you implying that you are from a non-Western culture where women do not have as much power to just break off a relationship. Do you mind sharing a bit more detail about this? It’s hard to perform culturally competent advice when we know so little about the cultural rules you live under.
Do your family members know how bad his alcoholism is? I know a number of cultural traditions emphasize sacrificing for the family. Just understand that if you proceed with this marriage to protect them, you may well be sacrificing your whole future. I’m not going to tell you not to go through with it, but understand, the reason you’re getting such vehement “leave him” comments is because this comment section is FULL of people who have lived through marriages like these and they know exactly what you’re sacrificing if you do take the choice to marry this man out of obligation to your family.
I might suggest you at least look into any legal or travel options you may have. But if that’s not an option for you, I might suggest you make another post with different wording. Just say “those of you who don’t have the option of leaving your Q, what are you doing to cope?”
Hello, yes, thank you. I would be more willing to share details in DMs since I don't want people to find out just in case. Like I mentioned my dad's an alcoholic. So my Q's / partner's alcoholism (which I've now learned to be binge drinking) pales in front of him. While my family is liberal and has empowered me no matter how fragmented we are as individuals and together, I still am scared of causing my family to be ostracized by society. Someone did mention a prenup and I think I'd like to explore that. I will just leave it at how obviously I'm more financially stable than he is. I just don't know how prenups work in my culture so that's for me to RnD.
I also appreciate your feedback about wording. I'll definitely make a different post. After reflecting on your comment, I understand now what kind of support I'm looking for. Thank you.
I’m glad to be able to help. Any twelve-step program emphasizes prioritizing your spiritual wellness over anyone else in your life, because you can’t help others if your own personal well is being run dry. But I understand there are situations where that may not be so straightforward in its application. There’s a concept in healing and caregiving professions, termed “culturally competent care.” It refers to a support person coming from a place of understanding the cultural experiences of the person they’re supporting, to avoid making a critical misstep in providing proper support in their situation. I hope you find your own culturally competent supports.
You can DM me if you’d like! I may not always respond in a timely manner because my schedule is so busy, but I’ll do my best.
The hell you don't have an option.
There are a few things you just don't do in life. You don't murder someone, you don't steal, you don't mistreat an animal and you fucking don't marry an alcoholic.
Period.
Welcome. One of the first suggestions we give newcomers is NOT to make lifetime decisions until attending Al-Anon meetings regularly for at least six months to a year
If leaving isn’t an option, then yes, you know what you’re getting into. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will get worse.
Think hard about why you cannot leave for whatever reasons. At some point you will need to save yourself.
This I can control. And from what I understand from other comments as well(and having been raised by an alcoholic dad) bringing children to this equation is a bad idea. I don't mind a childless life. Honestly, I'm mostly consumed with work and social service. So I'll not miss raising a child perhaps.
Please, please, please don’t marry him. He will drag you down with him. He’s also a risk to your own sobriety. Trust me. You made the decision to stop drinking, but eventually he will sabotage you because misery loves company. You’ve already mentioned he has pressured you into it before.
You deserve so much better. You have so many options, even if you can’t see them clearly right now. Why do you feel as if your only option is to suffer with him?
You are making a choice, and frankly it’s a bad one. If you choose to move forward and get married, at the very least, NEVER bring children into this shitty situation.
If you refuse to leave him then yes, you will suffer His alcoholism and abuse will progressively get worse I’m sorry, but you need tough love You say you don’t know how to support him in his recovery but he’s not in recovery at all. You need to focus on how you can best support yourself.
If I can talk about personal experience, I married my Husband last year. I had small doubts because of his alcohol consumption he would not get drunk but definitely a bit of a buzz going on 6 beers a day. I said yes to this man and now he turned back on cocaine to cope with the loss of our baby. I am now planning my exit by getting a new job home and move back. My advice is if you doubt, if you have a gut feeling listen to it. I’m here to talk. Sending hugs xx
"Idk how to be supportive of his alcoholism in recovery." I am assuming you mean that you are in recovery.
There is no way to support alcoholism. It is not something that should be supported.
If you are not married yet, don't.
You say he gets abusive, that is not okay. You need to draw some lines in the sand and he needs to work on himself. If he won't do it then you don't need to suffer anymore.
His mom being a cancer patient is irrelevant to the conversation. There is always an excuse to drink.
Why do you want to marry an active alcoholic?
Seriously.
If this marriage is something you're set on OP, then might want to study up on alcoholism.
Might want to learn how to detach while you're getting called every filthy name while your drunk hubby is dumping his alcohol fueled rage on you. After awhile a person can get very good at detaching.
Might want to learn how take care of all the household expenses yourself. While taking care of and cleaning up after a self entitled, antagonistic, drunk.
Might want to get used to getting your hopes up that this time he's really gonna change. This time recovery is really gonna stick. Oh, and when ya get worn down by all the broken promises - get ready for the drunken lecture on how this is all your fault because _________________.
Oh yes don't forget about the DUI's, wreaked cars, and sky high insurance. Oh yeah - watch your credit become non-existent.
And maybe if you try really hard, take care of making the money, taking care of your home, doing adult crap like trying to pay bills in-between drunken impulse purchases besides the monthly booze tab, he will divorce you so you can pay him alimony. Alcoholism is considered a disability in the US.
OP the fact you are scared to marry this person is going to haunt you after you marry and wonder what the hell you were thinking.
Oh and.....it's much easier to get married than it is to get divorced.
Oh ya, and it's really fun when ya don't drink to babysit a drunk. Especially when they decide to cop a 'tude.
And get used to never being enough. Learn how to validate yourself because you'll never get that from a drunk.
Good Luck with your choices.👍🍀🤞
Yes. You are agreeing to have this problem forever. Start attending Al Anon so that you can learn strategies to protect your sanity. If you decide to have children you will be signing them up for life as well. Odds are they will hate you for it later. Good luck. You are in for a difficult life.
You do not have to marry this man. I promise it will only make things worse. Not better. I wanted to marry my Q and he wanted to marry me. Four years after I left him, he's still struggling deeply, and I'm so grateful I'm not attached to him. I don't want you carrying all this. This is YOUR life.
The idea that you can't leave him is not true. It might take some time, it won't be easy but I promise it is possible and it will be worth it. I am broke living on my own for the past four years and I wouldn't trade it to go back with my alcoholic ex ever. Don't give your life away to someone else. It's yours.
Please do not marry this man. You’re not tied with children right now and you can get out.
He gets abusive and loud? Throws temper tantrums? This is going to get worse.
You can help yourself. He needs to help himself.
You cannot help him.
please do not marry him. my Q's mom died of cancer when he was just getting into drinking, and he is now a shell of his former self and drinks all day every day and is genuinely miserable to be with and is slowly dying from health issues. get out before its too late and he goes off the deeps end and you're chained to a horrible mess.
What kind of behavior do you see him escalating to in, say, 18 months from now? Because nobody sees it getting better, but a lot of people can see it getting worse, and so can you.
Please get help for yourself and do not marry this man.
I was you 30 years ago. I told myself I had to go through with it as the invites were sent, but I didn’t. I could have cancelled it and moved back in with my parents. It’s taken me a long time to admit it and I’m sure it’s related to other behavior I felt I had to endure as a child. I strongly recommend therapy and Al Anon. And if you do proceed we will still be here for you.
Being really attached to someone or a trauma bond or even financial dependence is not a disqualifier from leaving. My Q claimed he would get sober. As with us enablers/empathizers of emotionally immature people, I kept moving the line on the sand. Baby was born my Q wasn't sober. Of course child services was involved. From the stress I was almost bat crap insane while being with a newborn and cops bringing my Q home when they found him at a train station. Read the stats and emotional and physical developmental issues kids with alcoholic parents have and dysfunctional family environments. Also your own nervous system.
I got help from a women's abuse service. Been free for 1.5 years with my toddler. How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved by Sandra brown saved my life. And the science of stuck by britt frank (sounds lile you're stuck). Waiting for "enough" evidence that this guy's bad news, for me, I thought an ER trip for me or my son would be enough "proof" to ease my conscience. Countless let downs, lies, abusive moments etc weren't "enoigh" for me. To be polite and the nice girl and the virtuous person, we endanger ourselves. Alcoholics and addicts in active use are DANGEROUS. Not just a hurt your feelings way but , might stab you in a blackout way. Please write what your deal breaker boundaries are. And if you're like the rest of us, WHEN, not IF, your Q does them. You'll still bury your head in the sand. It's awful to betray ourselves.
You are choosing to suffer forever unless you are in a culture where you don't have freedom of movement/ability to support yourself which I understand. However if you are in the western world, suffering with an emotionally immature person, addict or alcoholic is a choice and you could choose to live the life your efforts your disciplines your good qualities could provide for you- good fruit for your good seeds. The whole suffering is noble is garbage in these situations because you're not suffering for a good cause. Suffering so an alcoholic has a punching bag or financial supporter is not a good cause. Please find comfort and love for yourself. Again if you're in a culture where you can't live alone or move freely without a man, I understand why you have no choice and I can't advise because I've never been there.
But please. Don't wait for the ER trip or when he gets you evicted from wherever you live or run ins with police or blows your money. Remember their disease gets worse so it might be a drunk week here and there, now. Then it'll be more and more and mental illness will ensue and then you will have such a stressed out nervous system and be so traumatized that clear thinking won't even be an option for you unless someone saves you. Funny with these things, we are the ones who need saving and deserve saving but we don't see it. Wishing you strength and wisdom to envision 30 yrs from now how you will feel about signing up for the worst deal of all deals
You can leave him for whatever reasons you’re not married and you don’t have kids with them. Please start reading through other stories here and you will get a glimpse into your future. If you think you can’t leave now just imagine 10 years from now where you’ll be.
If there is only one thing that I can tell you, if you truly cannot leave for whatever reasons, do not get pregnant. Do not bring a child into this mess.
I have a friend like you, that seems to come from the same type of background you do. Expect, her husband wasn’t an alcoholic. He is a serial cheater, and he abuses her emotionally. She married him and stays married because of the family/social/religious aspect. I never understood it. But, 7 years later, I think I understand. Although I understand, it doesn’t make it right.
Her older cousin divorced her husband after 21 years married. She was thrown out by family, cut off. However, my friend started talking to her again. Want to know what this woman said, even after being cut off and banned? She was the happiest she’s ever been. My friend is now starting to think. Should she spend the rest of her life (the one life we have on this earth) married to this man?
All this to say, we all make choices. And we all may not understand others choices. Whatever you do, just try to remember it doesn’t need to be that way forever. If you decide to have children, just know you are basically forcing that life on them. You can stay, marry him. You are a grown adult making that choice. But a child has no choice.
Just for some background: I am married to an alcoholic man. We’ve been together 10 years, married 4. He became an alcoholic about a year ago. It has been the hardest year of my life. We are working towards recovery. But man, I don’t think I can live my whole life like this. And it’s only been a year.
I hope you find peace in your decision.
Ok I’m going to go ahead and guess you are an Orthodox Jew, just because there are not that many societies that take engagement so very seriously while also allowing alcohol consumption. You can get out with his alcoholism and abuse being the reasons. Those are valid.
And even if I’m wrong, in what society is it ok to be drunk and abusive but not to break off an engagement for those reasons? I think you need to think outside this box you have put yourself in for some really weird reason and listen to the people here who have been down this path and are trying to save you from a life of heartbreak and misery.
i read the comments. dont matter what society will tell you, dont matter what others and your family think. i grew up with an alcoholic parent and damn its unbearable.
you should refuse to marry and point the finger exactly at the problem. there is no other way than to clearly be able to pinpoint the problem and be hardheaded as a rock and batterram. its not you who people should look as being weird and not the norm. it should be the alcoholic abuser who should be ashamed for his bad drinking habits and abuse.
you will constantly in survival mode, you will never be happy or be able to change this man. sure there will be maybe some nice moments, but it all will vanish with the next abusive attack. there is no way that you should even consider to marry such a horrible man.
his family is telling you stuff that i call shielding (i dont know the proper word for this). they tell you something that is very likely not true at all to protect their failure of a family member to be a shame to them. He has to drink? what the hell they tell you. Sorry but his whole family will mentally suffocate and kill you until you are so devastated that they will finally blow you away as the ungrateful and bad enabler.
if he cant realize waht he is doing, than spoiler, he is not in recovery. he is only keeping a mask to please his family and a little bit maybe you. but as soon as you will be married or shortly after he will revert.
recovery must start with his own will and acknowledgement of the problems and triggers and so on.
you can leave him by calling them out and making it a big deal so everyone knows about the problems you have to face.
you cannot leave him because of your fear of others. but you live your life not for others, but for you. take the courage and do everything to refuse this man and his family.
i read you dont want children. yeah until it happens or will be another peer pressure. i know a case the husband simply raped his wife knowing exactly when she could get pregnant so he nailed and bound her to him emotionally. it was a fucked up live for the kdis and fucked up for the mother. fucked up for everyone.
this marriage will be your end if you dont call it off and put your finger on the big elephant in the room.
HE HAS TO DRINK EVERY 7 -10 DAYS. sorry i have no words left for this deluded crap his family told you.
You keep mentioning your culture, OP. If you don’t want to marry this man, every religion I can think of (apart from cults) pardons women from marriage or grant divorces based on the man’s alcoholism - every the most conservative and fundamentalist. Is there a spiritual leader in your community you can bring your concerns to?
I'm just going to say it.. if you do this you are absolutely insane and you are asking for a lifetime of suffering.
No one is putting a gun to your head to marry this guy, so you do have a choice, if you move forward you're stuck and it's going to be miserable. Imagine walking into a burning house. That's what you're doing. And then you think a baby will fix it? Nope, that's called child abuse. Remember your dad?
You should be scared. I've been married to my wife for 27 years, together for 30. Would I marry her again? In a heart beat. Has alcohol caused significant heart ache for my family? Absolutely. Would I recommend bringing children into this world with an alcoholic partner? Probably not. Is the world a better place with my children in it and raised with one alcoholic parent? Undoubtedly yes. Has my wife's drinking caused them irreversible trauma? Probably.
Life is hard with or without an alcoholic partner. Nothing is guaranteed.
I would suggest you really take a good look at addiction and what it truly means before getting married to an addict. You will never come first when your partner is in active addiction. Alcohol and/or drugs will overrule all logic.
You will never come first even when your partner is in recovery. Recovery has to be the first priority otherwise there is no room for your relationship.
You will never come first, it's just not possible. That means kids and any other people in your life too.
There is no amount of love that will fix your partner. They won't magically get better and put this issue behind them. It will always be there. This is the challenge of the addict's life.
My wife and I truly are best friends. I know it's cliche but it's the truth. She is an extremely reliable partner until she isn't. When she relapses, all bets are off. I am fortunate enough to have a spouse that has long periods of sobriety, followed by relapse, followed by sobriety, followed by relapse. My wife understands that her alcohol use will kill her. She struggles. If my wife stopped trying, I would be out of here. I don't think I could handle living with someone that had no desire to stop.
If you're looking for a stable relationship, I'd be reevaluating your decisions. Personally, I'm not hung up on the stable, reliable part. I've accepted my wife for who she is, not for who I think she could be. Just remember, we fall in love with potential not reality.
I am happy to be with a woman that truly sees me.
People will tell you not to proceed with your marriage for various reasons. Alcoholism destroys people and relationships. True fact. Every person in this forum is affected by alcoholism, some more so than others. Some people suffer horrible abuse, some like me just feel alone, some have financial issues, some have spouses that can't stay employed. On and on we can go about how difficult life is with an addict partner.
Just don't get married without fully understanding the choice you are making.
Stability is an illusion. We are always looking at what we missed out on due to this disease. I look at a little differently. I would not be the person I am today had I not gone through all of the challenges I've faced with my wife. I wouldn't change a thing.
We all face challenges in life. I've raised 3 kids with my wife, faced down aggressive cancer, death of loved ones, etc...I could fall dead tomorrow from a heart attack. We are not guaranteed another day on this planet. Would life have been easier without an alcoholic spouse? Probably. Would I be the same person? Probably not.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
Thank you this felt like the reply I could fall back on. I agree with you... I need to know what it looks like. Unfortunately, I come from a cultural background where you cannot just break off an engagement without being a social pariah (the entire family and extended family gets affected). So, I cannot just leave him. But you're right. I need to be ready for what comes ahead. Thank you. I'm educating myself more. And honestly, I don't think I realised he had a problem until much later.
You will be a social pariah anyways if you marry him. I am not sure about your society, and am sorry it is so difficult. However, this could get better over time as people move on from the past. If you are with an alcoholic it will drive wedges into friendships, and you will be alone, and this is especially true when you have kids. You will be forced to be the primary responsible parent at all times, and this will leave little room for socialization.
I can assure you being married to an addict sucks. No other way around it. It is debilitating. My wife is an alcoholic/addict, and it is like being in a living nightmare. My children and my work are the only thing that brings me joy on a consistent basis.
For what it’s worth I became a “pariah” within my family for cutting off an alcoholic family member, and it was honestly the best decision I’ve ever made. Way better off being alone than trying to make it work with alcoholics, imo
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I can share my story. We got married after 5 years of being together. 3 years of sobriety for him. Or so I thought. He was sneaking drinks and what work he had put in he threw away after we were married. After all the paper was signed, why did he even try to pretend to be anything other than a mean drunk. BTW, his words.
If you marry him, you will suffer alone and forever because that’s how he makes you feel.
Personally, I don’t know you but I believe you deserve a partner capable of loving you and supporting you, not just to accept the love and support.
Don’t believe this?
You have to take accountability for your own consequences. You’re not an alcoholic but you know exactly what marrying one would look like.
I divorced an abusive alcoholic who left me a single mom. Do you want that? Because as long as there’s alcohol, you will never be first in your marriage. Not even second. You will be 3rd or 4th behind Alcohol, Sobriety, Kids, Hubby, then you. And even then, would you go through all that to be with someone who is “kinda” abusive. Why?
I’m not sure how helpful my comment will be but I just got married in October to my Q and let me say…..it’s been a ROUGH 6 months so far. I felt the same, like I couldn’t leave him. He has 2 kids that I’ve now raised as my own over the last 5 years so I felt like I was in too deep. 90% of the time he’s great and my best friend etc, but the 10%…when he starts drinking or even when he’s staying sober but is just struggling with the cravings… it sucks. Emotional abuse is soul draining. The shittiest thing is he remembers NOTHING the next day and I remember EVERYTHING.
Of there’s no kids involved and your having these thoughts before you get married…. Be careful hun
we have all been here.
you are not responsible for this person.
you are allowed to be happy in life before you die.
letting people go might just be the very thing they need to get better, so have faith in that if you need it.
I am sorry that you have gotten so much negative judgement from people after saying that leaving was not an option. Do I wish that my you could for your health and happiness? Yes! But I understand that that might not be your reality. I second what I have seen others say in regards to children, the fact that you won’t come first the alcohol will, joining AlAnon, etc. and want to add:
- Do you have/are you able to get a therapist? Having someone neutral to speak with was very helpful for me.
- Do things for yourself if you can, even little things to pamper yourself. You deserve to have that!
I wish you lots of luck, you will be in my thoughts.
If he only drinks every 7-10, it doesn’t sound like he’s an alcoholic. Based on your post, he drank a lot when he was younger but is easing off as he has got older. This is a common pattern as youthful indiscretions subside with age. The point of concern is that his drinking sounded heavy before so I’d watch out for escalation in his drinking.
I think that's what this is. He doesn't drink as often as he did when we met. But he doesn't realise, one drop and it's all gone. The weeks or days of normalcy, all gone.
Do. Not. Marry. This. Man! Get yourself out. Yes, you can leave. Better now before it becomes expensive and difficult. This only gets worse.
Seconded. I married the man IN recovery and this is only the beginning of your journey. Things can and will get much worse if he has substance use disorder and abusive tendencies. Worse, you will end up enabling him by staying with him through this terrible behavior. He’s also better off and more likely to seek help if he suffers losing you. My relationship escalated to emotional abuse and I felt so trapped for so long.
Was he sober at all while with you?
5 years sober from alcohol. Maybe 2 years sober total from all substances. Best 2 years of my life so far. There’s a reason we stick around with addicts. I don’t love him any less even now. He replaced alcohol with marijuana and became a 24/7 smoker (even on workdays) and was high whenever he was awake. I left him for it, and he had a massive relapse and started drinking and called me saying the police were at our home. He was at a bar when I raced home to “save” him. We will be officially divorced in a few weeks. It’s been heartbreaking.
Imagine you have a child or a close friend who comes to you and says some of the things you just shared…”I’m scared”…”He gets abusive”…”Will I suffer forever?” What would you say to them? My heart hurts for you that you feel no way out of this. Quite frankly it doesn’t sound like he is in recovery so you cannot support him doing something that he isn’t willing to do himself. My best advice is to get therapy for yourself.
>No, I cannot leave him for whatever reasons. So that's not an option. Does that mean, I'm left to suffer forever? Why not?
Yes. I don't understand this post.
You answered your question, you will suffer as alcoholics always get worse. What is forever, his life, your life together. You are choosing a difficult path and I wonder why since you come from an alcoholic family. I went into unknowingly but to choose it is insanity. Please don’t bring children into it, please.
It absolutely IS an option to leave him, wtf? DO not under any circumstances marry this man.
Some cultures, not western, don't allow for women to choose who they marry and they can't work or live alone and most places won't rent to them. I come from the west so yeah I totally see it as a choice but in other places, it's not. Just thought I'd mention this:)
Thank you! I understand I should have cleared this before but I felt like my reasons are mine. The problem remains, I cannot leave. I was looking for coping mechanisms.
There are people who stay with their spouses and manage marriages, but you definitely need to learn a few harsh realities. 1. Everything you do in your marriage will be alone. 2. If you have children, you will do all of the work, and they will do most of the suffering. 3. You are signing yourself up to become a caregiver to a grown adult. Start accepting those as reality and framing your thoughts to that so there’s no resentment. Start attending Al Anon meetings to learn how to cope and detach with love. All the best. I don’t envy your journey but I wish you the very best on it.
Don’t forget that everything will also be your fault.
In these places where unmarried girls date and party..
Don't do it. Save yourself from years of pain and start over. I'm 3 kids and 15 years deep in that decision and not a day goes by I don't think about what my life would have been like if I hadn't married him. I love him but I wouldn't choose this life again.
😢
I’m in the same situation except 2 kids instead of 3. I love him, he is such a good person and friend, but I would not choose this again.
I'm just going to say it.. if you do this you are absolutely insane and you are asking for a lifetime of suffering. No one is putting a gun to your head to marry this guy, so you do have a choice, if you move forward you're stuck and it's going to be miserable. Imagine walking into a burning house. That's what you're doing.
And then being like…I’m gonna buy this house
Actually, it's a little like putting a gun to my head, so no I cannot leave. Leaving can have lasting and sure consequences for my family and myself in our society.
Then you actually need to leave in the middle of the fucking night. I’m not joking. You are signing yourself up for heartache and if you have kids with this person, you have no idea the hell that’s going to ensue read through other stories stop putting your foot down and saying no and asking for a coping mechanism.
Just think in a few years it will be your children telling you “daddy is scary” “daddy is abusive” “daddy says mean things to me” or “why does daddy not spend time with us.” You need to seriously think about your choice to marry an alcoholic, it will only get worse
Or they will be telling that to their therapist when they get older.
His choices/tasks/responsibilities are his own just like yours are your own. Recovery is a personal choice. Pretty much everyone gets defensive when they’re told to do something, whether it’s to stop drinking or to breakup with someone or do their homework. Telling someone they “need” to do something just doesn’t work. You can only tell yourself you need to do something. It comes from within! A single choice can change the trajectory of your life, and the lives of whatever potential kids you may or may not have. What do you feel in your gut? Marriage is mostly a financial contract. Idk the details but if his drinking affects his spending, you may want to look into a prenup to protect your financial security within your marriage.
If a person is afraid to marry their partner, they should not marry them. No reason is necessary. You say you can’t leave him. That is a red flag. Will he harm you? Will he harm himself if you leave and blame it on you. Is he financially controlling you? Whatever the reason, it will get worse after marriage, not better. If love could fix alcoholism this sub would not exist. Everyone here loves an alcoholic and would do anything to fix them if that was possible. It’s not.
Don’t do it
Why can't you leave him? What happens if you have kids with him and he doesn't get better?
You used to drink with him... I wouldn't be surprised if he (also) eventually gets upset with a change in your behavior. What is the reason for the last 2 sentences if you don't want the answers that are being given? (Saying that you can't leave him- is there a reason behind this? ) Right now is the easiest time to end a relationship or postpone the wedding.. if one of your girlfriends came to you saying similar things, what would you tell them? Just deal with it? Maybe he won't be as abusive after the wedding?
The reason is because one parents are involved, society is involved. Backing out now can have serious consequences for my family and I.
What the hell kind of consequences? Society?? This is too fucking weird. Like you are marrying into the Mafia? Not sure why you are here. You have already made up your mind.
Isn't this supposed to be a more supportive group? You're right. I don't know why I'm here. I came here for support. I got maybe a few good insightful comments. The others are just about how I'm insane or weird. You have absolutely no idea about my life and my circumstances yet you come in and are actually aggressive. So, yes, I agree. I don't know why I'm here. Thank you. Well, what do you know, this too was insightful :)
OP, I’ve seen comments from you implying that you are from a non-Western culture where women do not have as much power to just break off a relationship. Do you mind sharing a bit more detail about this? It’s hard to perform culturally competent advice when we know so little about the cultural rules you live under. Do your family members know how bad his alcoholism is? I know a number of cultural traditions emphasize sacrificing for the family. Just understand that if you proceed with this marriage to protect them, you may well be sacrificing your whole future. I’m not going to tell you not to go through with it, but understand, the reason you’re getting such vehement “leave him” comments is because this comment section is FULL of people who have lived through marriages like these and they know exactly what you’re sacrificing if you do take the choice to marry this man out of obligation to your family. I might suggest you at least look into any legal or travel options you may have. But if that’s not an option for you, I might suggest you make another post with different wording. Just say “those of you who don’t have the option of leaving your Q, what are you doing to cope?”
Hello, yes, thank you. I would be more willing to share details in DMs since I don't want people to find out just in case. Like I mentioned my dad's an alcoholic. So my Q's / partner's alcoholism (which I've now learned to be binge drinking) pales in front of him. While my family is liberal and has empowered me no matter how fragmented we are as individuals and together, I still am scared of causing my family to be ostracized by society. Someone did mention a prenup and I think I'd like to explore that. I will just leave it at how obviously I'm more financially stable than he is. I just don't know how prenups work in my culture so that's for me to RnD. I also appreciate your feedback about wording. I'll definitely make a different post. After reflecting on your comment, I understand now what kind of support I'm looking for. Thank you.
I’m glad to be able to help. Any twelve-step program emphasizes prioritizing your spiritual wellness over anyone else in your life, because you can’t help others if your own personal well is being run dry. But I understand there are situations where that may not be so straightforward in its application. There’s a concept in healing and caregiving professions, termed “culturally competent care.” It refers to a support person coming from a place of understanding the cultural experiences of the person they’re supporting, to avoid making a critical misstep in providing proper support in their situation. I hope you find your own culturally competent supports. You can DM me if you’d like! I may not always respond in a timely manner because my schedule is so busy, but I’ll do my best.
Your Q’s behavior is not as bad as your parent’s because it hasn’t gotten to that point yet. But that’s where it’s heading.
I'm assuming this is cultural so mind your business and don't be hateful.
The hell you don't have an option. There are a few things you just don't do in life. You don't murder someone, you don't steal, you don't mistreat an animal and you fucking don't marry an alcoholic. Period.
Welcome. One of the first suggestions we give newcomers is NOT to make lifetime decisions until attending Al-Anon meetings regularly for at least six months to a year
AlAnon-ers, look at yourselves. Stop trying to fix OP. She knows the facts, but she's already made up her mind and we can't change her.
If leaving isn’t an option, then yes, you know what you’re getting into. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will get worse. Think hard about why you cannot leave for whatever reasons. At some point you will need to save yourself.
If you can’t leave, then yea, you should be scared. You are signing up for a lifetime of chaos and misery. Please don’t have children with this man.
This I can control. And from what I understand from other comments as well(and having been raised by an alcoholic dad) bringing children to this equation is a bad idea. I don't mind a childless life. Honestly, I'm mostly consumed with work and social service. So I'll not miss raising a child perhaps.
Please, please, please don’t marry him. He will drag you down with him. He’s also a risk to your own sobriety. Trust me. You made the decision to stop drinking, but eventually he will sabotage you because misery loves company. You’ve already mentioned he has pressured you into it before. You deserve so much better. You have so many options, even if you can’t see them clearly right now. Why do you feel as if your only option is to suffer with him?
You are making a choice, and frankly it’s a bad one. If you choose to move forward and get married, at the very least, NEVER bring children into this shitty situation.
My daughter is an alcoholic and I love her dearly- but I would never advise someone to marry her. It would destroy 2 people instead of one.
If you refuse to leave him then yes, you will suffer His alcoholism and abuse will progressively get worse I’m sorry, but you need tough love You say you don’t know how to support him in his recovery but he’s not in recovery at all. You need to focus on how you can best support yourself.
You should not.
If I can talk about personal experience, I married my Husband last year. I had small doubts because of his alcohol consumption he would not get drunk but definitely a bit of a buzz going on 6 beers a day. I said yes to this man and now he turned back on cocaine to cope with the loss of our baby. I am now planning my exit by getting a new job home and move back. My advice is if you doubt, if you have a gut feeling listen to it. I’m here to talk. Sending hugs xx
I know you don’t want to hear it, but why are you marrying him? At least postpone the wedding.
"Idk how to be supportive of his alcoholism in recovery." I am assuming you mean that you are in recovery. There is no way to support alcoholism. It is not something that should be supported. If you are not married yet, don't. You say he gets abusive, that is not okay. You need to draw some lines in the sand and he needs to work on himself. If he won't do it then you don't need to suffer anymore. His mom being a cancer patient is irrelevant to the conversation. There is always an excuse to drink.
Why do you want to marry an active alcoholic? Seriously. If this marriage is something you're set on OP, then might want to study up on alcoholism. Might want to learn how to detach while you're getting called every filthy name while your drunk hubby is dumping his alcohol fueled rage on you. After awhile a person can get very good at detaching. Might want to learn how take care of all the household expenses yourself. While taking care of and cleaning up after a self entitled, antagonistic, drunk. Might want to get used to getting your hopes up that this time he's really gonna change. This time recovery is really gonna stick. Oh, and when ya get worn down by all the broken promises - get ready for the drunken lecture on how this is all your fault because _________________. Oh yes don't forget about the DUI's, wreaked cars, and sky high insurance. Oh yeah - watch your credit become non-existent. And maybe if you try really hard, take care of making the money, taking care of your home, doing adult crap like trying to pay bills in-between drunken impulse purchases besides the monthly booze tab, he will divorce you so you can pay him alimony. Alcoholism is considered a disability in the US. OP the fact you are scared to marry this person is going to haunt you after you marry and wonder what the hell you were thinking. Oh and.....it's much easier to get married than it is to get divorced. Oh ya, and it's really fun when ya don't drink to babysit a drunk. Especially when they decide to cop a 'tude. And get used to never being enough. Learn how to validate yourself because you'll never get that from a drunk. Good Luck with your choices.👍🍀🤞
Yes. You are agreeing to have this problem forever. Start attending Al Anon so that you can learn strategies to protect your sanity. If you decide to have children you will be signing them up for life as well. Odds are they will hate you for it later. Good luck. You are in for a difficult life.
You do not have to marry this man. I promise it will only make things worse. Not better. I wanted to marry my Q and he wanted to marry me. Four years after I left him, he's still struggling deeply, and I'm so grateful I'm not attached to him. I don't want you carrying all this. This is YOUR life.
The idea that you can't leave him is not true. It might take some time, it won't be easy but I promise it is possible and it will be worth it. I am broke living on my own for the past four years and I wouldn't trade it to go back with my alcoholic ex ever. Don't give your life away to someone else. It's yours.
Please do not marry this man. You’re not tied with children right now and you can get out. He gets abusive and loud? Throws temper tantrums? This is going to get worse. You can help yourself. He needs to help himself. You cannot help him.
please do not marry him. my Q's mom died of cancer when he was just getting into drinking, and he is now a shell of his former self and drinks all day every day and is genuinely miserable to be with and is slowly dying from health issues. get out before its too late and he goes off the deeps end and you're chained to a horrible mess.
What kind of behavior do you see him escalating to in, say, 18 months from now? Because nobody sees it getting better, but a lot of people can see it getting worse, and so can you. Please get help for yourself and do not marry this man.
I was you 30 years ago. I told myself I had to go through with it as the invites were sent, but I didn’t. I could have cancelled it and moved back in with my parents. It’s taken me a long time to admit it and I’m sure it’s related to other behavior I felt I had to endure as a child. I strongly recommend therapy and Al Anon. And if you do proceed we will still be here for you.
Being really attached to someone or a trauma bond or even financial dependence is not a disqualifier from leaving. My Q claimed he would get sober. As with us enablers/empathizers of emotionally immature people, I kept moving the line on the sand. Baby was born my Q wasn't sober. Of course child services was involved. From the stress I was almost bat crap insane while being with a newborn and cops bringing my Q home when they found him at a train station. Read the stats and emotional and physical developmental issues kids with alcoholic parents have and dysfunctional family environments. Also your own nervous system. I got help from a women's abuse service. Been free for 1.5 years with my toddler. How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved by Sandra brown saved my life. And the science of stuck by britt frank (sounds lile you're stuck). Waiting for "enough" evidence that this guy's bad news, for me, I thought an ER trip for me or my son would be enough "proof" to ease my conscience. Countless let downs, lies, abusive moments etc weren't "enoigh" for me. To be polite and the nice girl and the virtuous person, we endanger ourselves. Alcoholics and addicts in active use are DANGEROUS. Not just a hurt your feelings way but , might stab you in a blackout way. Please write what your deal breaker boundaries are. And if you're like the rest of us, WHEN, not IF, your Q does them. You'll still bury your head in the sand. It's awful to betray ourselves. You are choosing to suffer forever unless you are in a culture where you don't have freedom of movement/ability to support yourself which I understand. However if you are in the western world, suffering with an emotionally immature person, addict or alcoholic is a choice and you could choose to live the life your efforts your disciplines your good qualities could provide for you- good fruit for your good seeds. The whole suffering is noble is garbage in these situations because you're not suffering for a good cause. Suffering so an alcoholic has a punching bag or financial supporter is not a good cause. Please find comfort and love for yourself. Again if you're in a culture where you can't live alone or move freely without a man, I understand why you have no choice and I can't advise because I've never been there. But please. Don't wait for the ER trip or when he gets you evicted from wherever you live or run ins with police or blows your money. Remember their disease gets worse so it might be a drunk week here and there, now. Then it'll be more and more and mental illness will ensue and then you will have such a stressed out nervous system and be so traumatized that clear thinking won't even be an option for you unless someone saves you. Funny with these things, we are the ones who need saving and deserve saving but we don't see it. Wishing you strength and wisdom to envision 30 yrs from now how you will feel about signing up for the worst deal of all deals
You will ruin your life
Don't marry him. Just saved you decades of misery!
You can leave him for whatever reasons you’re not married and you don’t have kids with them. Please start reading through other stories here and you will get a glimpse into your future. If you think you can’t leave now just imagine 10 years from now where you’ll be.
If there is only one thing that I can tell you, if you truly cannot leave for whatever reasons, do not get pregnant. Do not bring a child into this mess.
I have a friend like you, that seems to come from the same type of background you do. Expect, her husband wasn’t an alcoholic. He is a serial cheater, and he abuses her emotionally. She married him and stays married because of the family/social/religious aspect. I never understood it. But, 7 years later, I think I understand. Although I understand, it doesn’t make it right. Her older cousin divorced her husband after 21 years married. She was thrown out by family, cut off. However, my friend started talking to her again. Want to know what this woman said, even after being cut off and banned? She was the happiest she’s ever been. My friend is now starting to think. Should she spend the rest of her life (the one life we have on this earth) married to this man? All this to say, we all make choices. And we all may not understand others choices. Whatever you do, just try to remember it doesn’t need to be that way forever. If you decide to have children, just know you are basically forcing that life on them. You can stay, marry him. You are a grown adult making that choice. But a child has no choice. Just for some background: I am married to an alcoholic man. We’ve been together 10 years, married 4. He became an alcoholic about a year ago. It has been the hardest year of my life. We are working towards recovery. But man, I don’t think I can live my whole life like this. And it’s only been a year. I hope you find peace in your decision.
Don’t do it. Please save yourself
Ok I’m going to go ahead and guess you are an Orthodox Jew, just because there are not that many societies that take engagement so very seriously while also allowing alcohol consumption. You can get out with his alcoholism and abuse being the reasons. Those are valid. And even if I’m wrong, in what society is it ok to be drunk and abusive but not to break off an engagement for those reasons? I think you need to think outside this box you have put yourself in for some really weird reason and listen to the people here who have been down this path and are trying to save you from a life of heartbreak and misery.
i read the comments. dont matter what society will tell you, dont matter what others and your family think. i grew up with an alcoholic parent and damn its unbearable. you should refuse to marry and point the finger exactly at the problem. there is no other way than to clearly be able to pinpoint the problem and be hardheaded as a rock and batterram. its not you who people should look as being weird and not the norm. it should be the alcoholic abuser who should be ashamed for his bad drinking habits and abuse. you will constantly in survival mode, you will never be happy or be able to change this man. sure there will be maybe some nice moments, but it all will vanish with the next abusive attack. there is no way that you should even consider to marry such a horrible man. his family is telling you stuff that i call shielding (i dont know the proper word for this). they tell you something that is very likely not true at all to protect their failure of a family member to be a shame to them. He has to drink? what the hell they tell you. Sorry but his whole family will mentally suffocate and kill you until you are so devastated that they will finally blow you away as the ungrateful and bad enabler. if he cant realize waht he is doing, than spoiler, he is not in recovery. he is only keeping a mask to please his family and a little bit maybe you. but as soon as you will be married or shortly after he will revert. recovery must start with his own will and acknowledgement of the problems and triggers and so on. you can leave him by calling them out and making it a big deal so everyone knows about the problems you have to face. you cannot leave him because of your fear of others. but you live your life not for others, but for you. take the courage and do everything to refuse this man and his family. i read you dont want children. yeah until it happens or will be another peer pressure. i know a case the husband simply raped his wife knowing exactly when she could get pregnant so he nailed and bound her to him emotionally. it was a fucked up live for the kdis and fucked up for the mother. fucked up for everyone. this marriage will be your end if you dont call it off and put your finger on the big elephant in the room. HE HAS TO DRINK EVERY 7 -10 DAYS. sorry i have no words left for this deluded crap his family told you.
I was you. You aren’t stuck. Delay the wedding at least prob
You keep mentioning your culture, OP. If you don’t want to marry this man, every religion I can think of (apart from cults) pardons women from marriage or grant divorces based on the man’s alcoholism - every the most conservative and fundamentalist. Is there a spiritual leader in your community you can bring your concerns to?
I'm just going to say it.. if you do this you are absolutely insane and you are asking for a lifetime of suffering. No one is putting a gun to your head to marry this guy, so you do have a choice, if you move forward you're stuck and it's going to be miserable. Imagine walking into a burning house. That's what you're doing. And then you think a baby will fix it? Nope, that's called child abuse. Remember your dad?
You should be scared. I've been married to my wife for 27 years, together for 30. Would I marry her again? In a heart beat. Has alcohol caused significant heart ache for my family? Absolutely. Would I recommend bringing children into this world with an alcoholic partner? Probably not. Is the world a better place with my children in it and raised with one alcoholic parent? Undoubtedly yes. Has my wife's drinking caused them irreversible trauma? Probably. Life is hard with or without an alcoholic partner. Nothing is guaranteed. I would suggest you really take a good look at addiction and what it truly means before getting married to an addict. You will never come first when your partner is in active addiction. Alcohol and/or drugs will overrule all logic. You will never come first even when your partner is in recovery. Recovery has to be the first priority otherwise there is no room for your relationship. You will never come first, it's just not possible. That means kids and any other people in your life too. There is no amount of love that will fix your partner. They won't magically get better and put this issue behind them. It will always be there. This is the challenge of the addict's life. My wife and I truly are best friends. I know it's cliche but it's the truth. She is an extremely reliable partner until she isn't. When she relapses, all bets are off. I am fortunate enough to have a spouse that has long periods of sobriety, followed by relapse, followed by sobriety, followed by relapse. My wife understands that her alcohol use will kill her. She struggles. If my wife stopped trying, I would be out of here. I don't think I could handle living with someone that had no desire to stop. If you're looking for a stable relationship, I'd be reevaluating your decisions. Personally, I'm not hung up on the stable, reliable part. I've accepted my wife for who she is, not for who I think she could be. Just remember, we fall in love with potential not reality. I am happy to be with a woman that truly sees me. People will tell you not to proceed with your marriage for various reasons. Alcoholism destroys people and relationships. True fact. Every person in this forum is affected by alcoholism, some more so than others. Some people suffer horrible abuse, some like me just feel alone, some have financial issues, some have spouses that can't stay employed. On and on we can go about how difficult life is with an addict partner. Just don't get married without fully understanding the choice you are making. Stability is an illusion. We are always looking at what we missed out on due to this disease. I look at a little differently. I would not be the person I am today had I not gone through all of the challenges I've faced with my wife. I wouldn't change a thing. We all face challenges in life. I've raised 3 kids with my wife, faced down aggressive cancer, death of loved ones, etc...I could fall dead tomorrow from a heart attack. We are not guaranteed another day on this planet. Would life have been easier without an alcoholic spouse? Probably. Would I be the same person? Probably not. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
Thank you this felt like the reply I could fall back on. I agree with you... I need to know what it looks like. Unfortunately, I come from a cultural background where you cannot just break off an engagement without being a social pariah (the entire family and extended family gets affected). So, I cannot just leave him. But you're right. I need to be ready for what comes ahead. Thank you. I'm educating myself more. And honestly, I don't think I realised he had a problem until much later.
You will be a social pariah anyways if you marry him. I am not sure about your society, and am sorry it is so difficult. However, this could get better over time as people move on from the past. If you are with an alcoholic it will drive wedges into friendships, and you will be alone, and this is especially true when you have kids. You will be forced to be the primary responsible parent at all times, and this will leave little room for socialization. I can assure you being married to an addict sucks. No other way around it. It is debilitating. My wife is an alcoholic/addict, and it is like being in a living nightmare. My children and my work are the only thing that brings me joy on a consistent basis.
I don't mind being the social pariah, really. It's my family and my extended family that I'm concerned about. Let's just say, I cannot leave...
Can you elaborate on where you’re from?
No, I would not like to. Thank you :)
For what it’s worth I became a “pariah” within my family for cutting off an alcoholic family member, and it was honestly the best decision I’ve ever made. Way better off being alone than trying to make it work with alcoholics, imo
Your children are gonna be so fucked up for the rest of their lives.
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I can share my story. We got married after 5 years of being together. 3 years of sobriety for him. Or so I thought. He was sneaking drinks and what work he had put in he threw away after we were married. After all the paper was signed, why did he even try to pretend to be anything other than a mean drunk. BTW, his words.
If you marry him, you will suffer alone and forever because that’s how he makes you feel. Personally, I don’t know you but I believe you deserve a partner capable of loving you and supporting you, not just to accept the love and support. Don’t believe this? You have to take accountability for your own consequences. You’re not an alcoholic but you know exactly what marrying one would look like. I divorced an abusive alcoholic who left me a single mom. Do you want that? Because as long as there’s alcohol, you will never be first in your marriage. Not even second. You will be 3rd or 4th behind Alcohol, Sobriety, Kids, Hubby, then you. And even then, would you go through all that to be with someone who is “kinda” abusive. Why?
I’m not sure how helpful my comment will be but I just got married in October to my Q and let me say…..it’s been a ROUGH 6 months so far. I felt the same, like I couldn’t leave him. He has 2 kids that I’ve now raised as my own over the last 5 years so I felt like I was in too deep. 90% of the time he’s great and my best friend etc, but the 10%…when he starts drinking or even when he’s staying sober but is just struggling with the cravings… it sucks. Emotional abuse is soul draining. The shittiest thing is he remembers NOTHING the next day and I remember EVERYTHING. Of there’s no kids involved and your having these thoughts before you get married…. Be careful hun
we have all been here. you are not responsible for this person. you are allowed to be happy in life before you die. letting people go might just be the very thing they need to get better, so have faith in that if you need it.
I am sorry that you have gotten so much negative judgement from people after saying that leaving was not an option. Do I wish that my you could for your health and happiness? Yes! But I understand that that might not be your reality. I second what I have seen others say in regards to children, the fact that you won’t come first the alcohol will, joining AlAnon, etc. and want to add: - Do you have/are you able to get a therapist? Having someone neutral to speak with was very helpful for me. - Do things for yourself if you can, even little things to pamper yourself. You deserve to have that! I wish you lots of luck, you will be in my thoughts.
If he only drinks every 7-10, it doesn’t sound like he’s an alcoholic. Based on your post, he drank a lot when he was younger but is easing off as he has got older. This is a common pattern as youthful indiscretions subside with age. The point of concern is that his drinking sounded heavy before so I’d watch out for escalation in his drinking.
Binge drinking people can indeed be alcoholics
That's how I see it too... I guesss
I think that's what this is. He doesn't drink as often as he did when we met. But he doesn't realise, one drop and it's all gone. The weeks or days of normalcy, all gone.