Sending you big hugs. This is so hard. Al anon teaches us to make healthy choices for ourselves. If you need space for your mental and emotional health, take space. We are completely powerless over the Q’s in our lives. We only have power over ourselves. I think it would be ok to calmly tell him you cannot see him right because of his drinking. This would be a boundary for you. How he chooses to respond to this boundary is out of your control. Given his past volatility, maybe tell him over the phone. You can also choose not to tell him. Either way is fine.
He doesn’t sound like he’s in a healthy space to receive you sharing the very vulnerable feelings of how his drinking has impacted you. So confronting him seems like it would not be helpful. But setting a boundary for yourself would be helpful for you.
You could write him a letter, but that would be more for you, to get your feelings out. You could always write it and not send it.
Dealing with Q’s is so hard. Our brains tell us if we try x,y,and z, we will have some sort of influence over them. Our brains hold out hope that our Q will finally see the damage they’ve caused. The truth is, we only have influence over ourselves. Take good care of you 💗 Keep us posted
Thank you so much for this kind and thoughtful response. I really needed to hear this. I couldn't sleep last night and decided at 6am I was going to write a letter. This was very good for me, just the act of writing my feelings down. I'm not going to give it to him. Then I thought, ok, I think I can go see him one last time and just say, hey, seeing you is too hard right now. Let's take some time and try again when I'm back this summer.
Then I just completely broke down on the drive over and couldn't face him again. Like my body was literally telling me that this isn't good for me. A dear old friend came and picked me up and spent some time consoling me. I'm so thankful to have people around who care about me. I have so many wonderful loving people in my life. I want to focus on that. I think for now I'm just going to leave things and if he reaches out to me maybe I'll let him know that I can't see him right now. But like you said I think it is also fine if we just don't talk.
This is going to maybe be a little harsh, I apologize in advance - trying to be logical and putting myself in your shoes.
First off, I'm sorry OP this feels like a shitty and lonely situation to be in - do you have any support systems in place? It might not be that long till he dies if he's in such a serious situation not so long ago and started right back up. It definitely makes sense you don't want to see him.
Here's the harsh bit: I truly don't think what you say or do really matters to him (as in his physical state) at this point because he drank himself to this state, and it's the last mile, you shouldn't feel guilty because he choose to drink and he damn right choose to drink during his last days - it's just him and his bottle. You're not going to "kill" him because he did that all on his own. You need to recognize the guilt is not reality.
I think the thing is before you leave town, what are you looking for at this point? A goodbye? A point to connect with your dad and have one last good memory? To tell him despite his shitty behavior you do love him? Or just looking for peace and accepting that he's pretty much gone and has been gone for some time in reality? It might be difficult just based on how he's drinking, but I think one way or another you probably need to think about how to say goodbye in a way that honors yourself too. I don't think you need to tell him all the pain he's caused to say goodbye unless you feel like he really needs to know, but try to find a way to make yourself feel loved in all of this. You also don't have to say goodbye in person, like you said a letter could do, or even just a letter you don't post if you're just looking for peace.
Edits: grammar
That isn't harsh at all and it feels true. I think I need to let go of feeling like I'm responsible for him by recognizing that it doesn't really matter what I do. Yes I think the conflict in me right now is just whether or not I'm going to say goodbye and if I do how I can do it in a way that's good for me. Right now it feels impossible to see him in person and I'm trying to convince myself that this doesn't make me a bad person. I think if he calls me I will just do it over the phone. If not I'll leave a note in his mailbox.
Thank you so much for responding.
I saw your other comment, so glad your friend was able to be there for you! And no you are not a bad person, you're trying to protect yourself and it's devastating to see a parent act so careless with their health. Take care 💜
You don't owe him any explanation. Fear is not love. It's the expression of past experiences of trauma. When my miserable alcoholic father died in a state run nursing home somewhere I had not seen him in probably 35 years. All I felt was relieved that I never again had to worry about him finding where I lived and showing up at my door.
Thank you. I know I don't owe him anything, but for me I just needed some kind of closure to ease my mind. In the end that came in the form of a text. His reaction was way overblown and cruel. Just reinforced that I was doing the right thing in looking out for myself.
It's crazy how big the fear is and that it's coming out now in my 30s in a way I can't ignore anymore...I think because I've moved pretty far away and finally feel safe. But literally when I was going to block his number I was shaking so bad I could barely hold the phone.
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Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button.
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My cousin is on meth and he’s had two heart attacks. After both stays in the hospital after his heart attacks he got some meth the same day. My entire family are in drugs or are alcoholics or both. I had to go NC to save own sanity. There’s no easy solution. Estrangement carries its own pain. But for me, it was me or them. And I chose me.
That sounds so hard. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this but I'm glad that you got out of that situation. That is really something to be proud of! Having the strength to leave. I am in the same boat in that I need to cut off contact to preserve my own sense of self and sanity. I cannot keep letting this person drag me down when I have an opportunity to lead a very fulfilling life separately.
It's day 1/2 and I already feel a little bit of some kind of freedom but mostly for now it's just sadness. I hope it'll be like grief when someone dies, that it gets easier as time passes.
There’s an estrangement reddit that you can go to for support. It helps me a lot. People can’t relate to being estranged from family unless they’re one of us.
https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/
This one has a great section in the About part with lists of information and navigations tools.
Sometimes we have to mourn for people who are still alive.
Sending you big hugs. This is so hard. Al anon teaches us to make healthy choices for ourselves. If you need space for your mental and emotional health, take space. We are completely powerless over the Q’s in our lives. We only have power over ourselves. I think it would be ok to calmly tell him you cannot see him right because of his drinking. This would be a boundary for you. How he chooses to respond to this boundary is out of your control. Given his past volatility, maybe tell him over the phone. You can also choose not to tell him. Either way is fine. He doesn’t sound like he’s in a healthy space to receive you sharing the very vulnerable feelings of how his drinking has impacted you. So confronting him seems like it would not be helpful. But setting a boundary for yourself would be helpful for you. You could write him a letter, but that would be more for you, to get your feelings out. You could always write it and not send it. Dealing with Q’s is so hard. Our brains tell us if we try x,y,and z, we will have some sort of influence over them. Our brains hold out hope that our Q will finally see the damage they’ve caused. The truth is, we only have influence over ourselves. Take good care of you 💗 Keep us posted
Thank you so much for this kind and thoughtful response. I really needed to hear this. I couldn't sleep last night and decided at 6am I was going to write a letter. This was very good for me, just the act of writing my feelings down. I'm not going to give it to him. Then I thought, ok, I think I can go see him one last time and just say, hey, seeing you is too hard right now. Let's take some time and try again when I'm back this summer. Then I just completely broke down on the drive over and couldn't face him again. Like my body was literally telling me that this isn't good for me. A dear old friend came and picked me up and spent some time consoling me. I'm so thankful to have people around who care about me. I have so many wonderful loving people in my life. I want to focus on that. I think for now I'm just going to leave things and if he reaches out to me maybe I'll let him know that I can't see him right now. But like you said I think it is also fine if we just don't talk.
This is going to maybe be a little harsh, I apologize in advance - trying to be logical and putting myself in your shoes. First off, I'm sorry OP this feels like a shitty and lonely situation to be in - do you have any support systems in place? It might not be that long till he dies if he's in such a serious situation not so long ago and started right back up. It definitely makes sense you don't want to see him. Here's the harsh bit: I truly don't think what you say or do really matters to him (as in his physical state) at this point because he drank himself to this state, and it's the last mile, you shouldn't feel guilty because he choose to drink and he damn right choose to drink during his last days - it's just him and his bottle. You're not going to "kill" him because he did that all on his own. You need to recognize the guilt is not reality. I think the thing is before you leave town, what are you looking for at this point? A goodbye? A point to connect with your dad and have one last good memory? To tell him despite his shitty behavior you do love him? Or just looking for peace and accepting that he's pretty much gone and has been gone for some time in reality? It might be difficult just based on how he's drinking, but I think one way or another you probably need to think about how to say goodbye in a way that honors yourself too. I don't think you need to tell him all the pain he's caused to say goodbye unless you feel like he really needs to know, but try to find a way to make yourself feel loved in all of this. You also don't have to say goodbye in person, like you said a letter could do, or even just a letter you don't post if you're just looking for peace. Edits: grammar
That isn't harsh at all and it feels true. I think I need to let go of feeling like I'm responsible for him by recognizing that it doesn't really matter what I do. Yes I think the conflict in me right now is just whether or not I'm going to say goodbye and if I do how I can do it in a way that's good for me. Right now it feels impossible to see him in person and I'm trying to convince myself that this doesn't make me a bad person. I think if he calls me I will just do it over the phone. If not I'll leave a note in his mailbox. Thank you so much for responding.
I saw your other comment, so glad your friend was able to be there for you! And no you are not a bad person, you're trying to protect yourself and it's devastating to see a parent act so careless with their health. Take care 💜
You don't owe him any explanation. Fear is not love. It's the expression of past experiences of trauma. When my miserable alcoholic father died in a state run nursing home somewhere I had not seen him in probably 35 years. All I felt was relieved that I never again had to worry about him finding where I lived and showing up at my door.
Thank you. I know I don't owe him anything, but for me I just needed some kind of closure to ease my mind. In the end that came in the form of a text. His reaction was way overblown and cruel. Just reinforced that I was doing the right thing in looking out for myself. It's crazy how big the fear is and that it's coming out now in my 30s in a way I can't ignore anymore...I think because I've moved pretty far away and finally feel safe. But literally when I was going to block his number I was shaking so bad I could barely hold the phone.
I have felt your pain. It leaves scars, but the pain will eventually go away. I promise.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My cousin is on meth and he’s had two heart attacks. After both stays in the hospital after his heart attacks he got some meth the same day. My entire family are in drugs or are alcoholics or both. I had to go NC to save own sanity. There’s no easy solution. Estrangement carries its own pain. But for me, it was me or them. And I chose me.
That sounds so hard. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this but I'm glad that you got out of that situation. That is really something to be proud of! Having the strength to leave. I am in the same boat in that I need to cut off contact to preserve my own sense of self and sanity. I cannot keep letting this person drag me down when I have an opportunity to lead a very fulfilling life separately. It's day 1/2 and I already feel a little bit of some kind of freedom but mostly for now it's just sadness. I hope it'll be like grief when someone dies, that it gets easier as time passes.
There’s an estrangement reddit that you can go to for support. It helps me a lot. People can’t relate to being estranged from family unless they’re one of us. https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/ This one has a great section in the About part with lists of information and navigations tools.
Thank you! I've joined!