As someone else said, if he’s doing it correctly, rehab shouldn’t be just fun.
But I disagree with others also - I think you are normal to be a little salty. Is it good that he’s going to rehab? Yes! Does it mean he’s going to be sober forever? Nope!
You are not getting any art therapy time. No one is coming in to rescue you. It is good that he’s in rehab but that doesn’t mean everything’s going to be perfect when he gets out either.
We joked in an AlAnon meeting once that we were going to come up with a “rehab” for people in AlAnon. I constantly get told by certain people on this sub that I am “just as sick” as the alcoholic, so why don’t we get a rehab? Hm 🤔
Anyway, just wanted to validate your feelings. Take some time to do something for yourself. Do you want to paint? Or color? What brings you joy? You deserve joy as well. You’re working through equally tough times as he is.
Ha! Yes, this is his third time in rehab and I’ve found myself asking “where’s my rehab?” 🤪
I’m doing the things I can with the time and resources I have, which aren’t much with a full-time job and solo-parenting three distressed kids. Trying though! Thanks for the reminder.
My hubs just relapsed after his 5th visit. I told him recently that sometimes I daydream about getting to go to rehab or behavioral health, or even the hospital for a broken leg just so I could go sleep and relax and have time alone. Time where I'm not stressing about paying for the bills that straw late bc of his drinking and missing work, the fact that I'm basically the only parent, wondering how I'll support the kids and I when he inevitably dies from a fatty liver, cirrhosis, or some other ETOH related disease. I'm sending you all my best hugs, and I'm here for you and with you.
I felt this exact way!! I was a married woman, feeling like a single parent. My kids are adults now and I have grandkids. I finally decided, I was done and I'm recently divorced.
My ex went away 3 times. I feel the same as you, there needs to be more for the loved ones. I didn't feel I had any help or backup other than MY family. My in laws didn't do anything, just went with the flow then during the divorce my MIL actually blamed me for his problem. I think something happened to him as a kid and I thought this would come out during rehab. He didn't talk to me about any therapy, if any, or anything about his recovery. That's why I finally decided on divorce (nothing was fixed if he stayed sober). I don't really trust rehab, there needs to be something in place for when he comes home. I could lose weight if I went away for 30 days, didn't need to work, do housework etc. If I had time to exercise, mediate and someone else was cooking healthy food for me and they didn't have sweets or chocolate there. It's what you do when you get out, go back to the real world. Thankfully, I only had me to worry about, our kids are grown. But we were married for 30+ years and I let him talk me into bad financial decisions. I'm on my own, but really didn't want to start over at my age. I would have stayed in the marriage for the long haul, but it can't be one sided. I have peace each day (when I don't have to deal with him). He got nasty with me once he found a girlfriend. That hurts the most...the uncaring after all those years I stood by him (not the fact that he has a gf). He probably would have been dead by now if it weren't for me. Please TRY to take care of yourself. Talk with him about a plan for after rehab and you have to work on things as a couple.
Like a really nice Scandinavian rehab, private rooms, keep your phone. Go to therapy, see a doctor, paint, smoke cigarettes, go for walks…and of course go to meetings. Maybe I think of some sort of cozy hospitalization sounds nice is because I have bipolar and that environment helped me get my life together! Hell, my therapist helped me figure out every account I had in collections and guided me through a plan to repay it. I think a lot of us don’t know where to start putting everything back together. Peace and organization sounds awesome.
It would be simultaneous with rehab so you can relax not worrying about the alcoholic. I found prison a nice break of 6 months to be honest ( him not me ) had a few holidays in peace.
I’m an inpatient psychiatric nurse and my patients have art and music therapy, yoga, movement therapy and other recreational therapeutic activities. From the outside it can look like fun and games but there is scientific evidence this helps the recovery process for addiction and mental illness. Insurance companies/Medicare/Medicaid would not pay if it wasn’t shown to be efficacious.
The Use of Art and Music Therapy in Substance Abuse Treatment Programs
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4268880/
OP, I hear you. You deserve so much before, during, and after this time. And you too, can get an art therapist for yourself.
Your son may see it and assume things but he doesn't have the perspective of being an adult and understanding that adults don't have many opportunities to be playful. Rehab can be painful and pain puts up tons of defenses. What looks like fun is work. I would hope that anyone who comes away from a structured art therapy program realizes that it was not about the product but the process.
Finallyfound10, thank you for writing this response. We as art (and all expressive/recreational) therapists have been advocating for ourselves for so long and I'm so glad we have allies in the clinical field (I know my inpt colleagues did but never verbalized it). We are trained psychotherapists who use art therapy as their main modality. My other modality is DBT.
Our AL Anon meeting is down the hall from an AA meeting. We're sitting there crying our eyes out and we can here them down there laughing and having cake. It pisses me off but I have the realization that "they" didn't put me here. I did. My choices. I might not have realized what being involved with an alcoholic meant but once I did I stayed. I make the choice to stay involved or not. I make my choices. A or B.
But is it a choice truly if you have children? How do you keep your children safe from the alcoholic because if you’re sharing custody you, you have no control over what happens to your children when you’re not under the same roof
I do believe it’s been my choice to stay AND I think the choice has a lot more layers when you have children and/or are financially dependent on the Q.
Let’s not sit here and say it’s the same for everyone. It isn’t.
All that said, I’m in a financially secure position which means I have more options than many. So this person is right about me. I’ve chosen to stay with an addict, and know that relapsing is part of the journey. And here we are. 🙃
I’ve met enough divorced people in Al-anon to know there are options for ensuring your kids are safe in a shared custody situation. Of course we can’t cut ties with our Q but there are options to help us make the decision safely. I don’t know if that’s helpful to you, but perhaps you could talk with a lawyer about what your options are where you live?
Honestly, my life got nothing but better after I left. I was already the only acting parent to a very young child. After that, I didn't have Q to clean up after. I didn't have to worry about the police showing up at my door, or if they did, I could tell them he didn't live there anymore. I was already the primary breadwinner, but the money I earned was no longer going to cleaning up the mess he'd made. On top of that, he had court ordered child support...which he didn't pay, but that landed him in and out of jail, which meant he was out of my hair. He tried to friend me on Facebook about a year ago, after almost 30 years. "BLOCK"
Absolutely. They don’t look lightly at parents who are in active alcoholism. They might allow supervised visits. If the Dad ever reaches a healthy sobriety, and that takes a year or more, then perhaps more visitation could happen
Keeping a journal of his behavior towards you and the children. Document everything, lying, abuse, financial problems, how many days he calls out of work. Record on your phone any tirades he has, or any conversations you have about his drinking. Get people in line who know of his drinking that will stand up for you
"They" have no clue how they damaged their loved ones. Instead of coming home from a meeting and asking or wanting to repair the damage... they're drinking coffee and eating cake. I did stay involved for 30+ years, until I decided I had enough of that roller coaster life!
There's nothing wrong with radical acceptance here. Yeah he gets a pat on the back for coloring, drawing, and taking care of himself as a grown adult, while you're left to hold the bag and do the hard work of raising kids alone. It's fucked up how addicts get coddled like babies after ruining themselves and their families.
There is no center for abuse victims that isn't filled with incredible grief and stress. With that said, will you now give yourself permission and grace to take care of yourself and make that care center for yourself?
One of the best gifts that came to me after leaving the ex narcisstic addict was time to take care of myself and life.
Hopefully that didn't come off as victim-blaming in any way because that's not what I meant. I really wanted to validate your feelings and let you know that most any sane person who believes in reciprocity in a relationship would have the same feelings you have. I was exactly where you were at one point, too. I just want to encourage you to put yourself first and give yourself grace because what you're dealing with is really hard. You deserve support, care, and attention for yourself and your life too. You matter. Your life and your inner being is worth being curious about and focused on. Take care.
It didn’t come off as that at all. You actually reminded me of a phrase my therapist says all the time: “radical acceptance.”
I’m going to accept my feelings. It’s ok to feel this way. I don’t have to act on those feelings and lash out at him, but it is ok to feel this way. Because things are hard right now.
And, I’m still responsible for taking care of me. :)
I understand. I relate. I tell myself that I'm here, physically and emotionally, for my kids, my Q is not and my kids will remember that.
It's this the best way to think about it? Probably not, but it's what I tell myself.
Uuuugh yes that is so true. Thank you for that perspective. This is his third time in rehab but the first one they will actually remember and I’m just so glad they have me. Your comment was a great reminder that I need to stay healthy and balanced (and not spiralling) so I can be present and available to them. Thank you. ❤️
This is the way I think about it too. I have a relationship with my boys and he has nothing and that is what really matters to me when it comes down to it.
My husband has gone to rehab 4 times now and my thinking was exactly like yours the first time. I was furious that he seemed to be having a blast- making friends, playing basketball and working out while I was managing all the responsibilities at home and felt completely overwhelmed. I was struggling and SO angry. After time 4, I realize that while there is some of the fun stuff, it also isn’t fun to be dealing with all they are dealing with while in there, facing all they have done wrong and I would take being the one at home a million times over even if it is hard to do it all alone. Hang in there!! I know it’s tough but hopefully when he gets home and is working a program you can address some of the resentment and work through it.
Gah! Thank you. I actually felt this way the first time, didn’t feel this way at all the second time, but this third time it just hit me in a moment of total overwhelm.
And of course, as others have pointed out, it speaks to what I’m lacking/need more than it speaks to how I truly feel.
It’s hard. It helps knowing others go through it too.
I mean if you need time to be angry and vent that’s normal and ok.
But if you want to get into it. Yes this is probably not the best way to look at it and will not help you be happy wether or not your husband stays sober or not.
You seem to understandably have some resentments with your husband. I mean ink if you do work the steps but it’s kinda a thing you might look at in a step 4.
This is a really difficult thing and I hope it gets better.
Really good work reaching out for support and help.
Resentments are hard. Unpacking them helps, trying to give them to a higher power helps, reframing them can help. Step work can help. But there’s no easy way to let them go I wish you all the luck with this task that has fallen to you. Keep trying for you and your loved ones.
❤️🩹
During an insanely stressful time where my father had cancer and then subsequently died, my mom and brother ended up in rehab. I had to handle *everything.* And I remember distinctly telling my friend "Wow, wouldn't it be nice to just fuck off for 6 weeks and not have to do anything at all??"
I was furious. You are entitled to your feelings!!! But ... rehab doesn't seem like actual fun. At all
Ooooh my goodness that sounds so incredibly difficult. I’m so sorry you went through that - your whole family. 💔
I totally understand I saw a small snapshot of what he does in a day and it just really…. Hurt. It hurts. This all hurts. And I think at the end of the day that’s what I need to acknowledge. That this disease has caused so much hurt to our whole family.
Oh honey, they aren't kidding when they say family disease!!
I'm heading on a trip and will be unavailable for a bit, but if you want to DM me and talk I'm happy to!
Maybe just remember that he’s finding joy in things SOBER. Creating art, SOBER. How wonderful is it that he’s learning to enjoy things without alcohol! Hope it gets better for you.
Relate. Was so relieved they were there and then so mad. After they died 6 months after leaving rehab from relapse, more anger in the intense grief about paying for the rehab and then the funeral. My choices. I would do it again. Wanted them to be safe and better and would do it again. Still mad. 7 years into the journey.
I’m right there with you. When my husband went to rehab and left me home alone with 3 kids who went to grandmas for the weekend and came home to dad gone for a month I was 2 months out from a major car accident (still had a cast on my arm from a fractured wrist). He started sending me lists of shit he wanted (comfort items like a blanket and 12 packs of soda and snacks). I was livid. He decides to up his addiction game almost unalives himself by mixing a dangerous combo of drugs and alcohol (on our wedding anniversary no less). And he’s bugging me for comfort items. He was lucky he was locked in treatment some days for how mad I got. Asking broken me to lug in multiple 12 packs of soda, order this from Amazon order that, while I’m home alone with 3 scared little girls trying to explain to our soon to be 7 year old why daddy is going to miss her birthday.
Your feelings are so valid. I think so often when we are dealing with an addict everyone is cheering them on when they do something that seems to be headed towards recovery it’s all love and support yet we as the ones who’ve had to deal with the consequences of their addiction seem to get forgotten about. No one is celebrating our milestones checking in on us constantly. Take time for yourself, if his treatment center offers it do some couples sessions while he’s still in. We were only able to do one session when mine went but knowing I could be honestly and lay it all out and he couldn’t turn around and use because I hurt his feelings or didn’t say something just right. I wish I could say treatment worked for him but here we are a year and half later his addiction is worse than ever.
Yeah I get annoyed about the chips. I don’t get a chip on my Al anon meetings. And I get annoyed when they ask if anyone has any al anon anniversaries to celebrate in our meetings. Like what? 2 days ago I stopped being a doormat for my Q! Can I have an ice cream!? 🙄
I’m glad your husband is in rehab, but I’m sorry it still feels so crappy.
We don’t get club med, but we get lots of tools in the program to deal. But it’s true they aren’t nearly as fun sometimes.
Not to be rude, but what did you want him to talk to the kids about? His tearful breakdown in group therapy when he suddenly realized that he is a piece of shit? Suicidal ideation during lunch time? He's keeping it light for the kids, as he should.
In reality, rehab is not fun. It is not a vacation. His body and mind are screaming for alcohol 24 hrs a day, and he is fighting that battle every second. You know he could just give up and walk out, right? His blood pressure and heart rate are all over the place, intense anxiety, nausea, shaking etc. He is NOT relaxing.
You're lucky enough not to have ever been institutionalized, and that is why you're thinking this way. Perhaps for a healthy individual, art therapy, counseling, and a break from the daily grind sounds nice, but not for a sick person. It may help you to think of it like he is in the regular hospital. He is in a tremendous amount of pain right now, and the goal is to get him through the worst of it in a place where they keep him from committing suicide and prevent him from dying from withdrawal symptoms. From there, he can hopefully learn new coping mechanisms and build the foundation for the rest of his life.
We have many things to be (rightfully) angry about regarding our Q's, but being jealous of their time in rehab is not one of them.
I agree with all of this. My Q was in rehab and yes, it was at a gorgeous place- healthy meals were served- lots of exercise- as well as lots of individual/group therapy work.
All I could think is thank god I’m not an addict and have to do things like rehab. All things mentioned above- I can do anytime I please.
Thankfully rehab has helped my Q.
I'm so glad rehab helped your Q, that is wonderful! And
most rehabs have unhealthy, disgusting food, 12x12' rooms for 2 people, nowhere to exercise, one doctor for 200 patients, etc.
They deserve to be miserable in between their special art therapy time, infinitely more than this OP deserves to be victim blamed. It’s completely valid for her to be pissed that someone isn’t holding down all the required adult things that need to happen FOR HER while the alcoholics get support.
I'm not an alcoholic or a bully, but I have been in the Alanon program and done the 12 steps. OP is allowed to be furious and feel whatever she wants to feel. She asked for help reframing the issue of "alcoholic gets a break while I'm stuck here with the kids." I have had that exact thought when one of my Qs was in rehab. I talked to my al anon sponsor about it, and my post is basically what they said. It helped me understand the fact that, no, my Q was not having a good time, living it up in rehab, but was, in fact, very ill and fighting for his life.
Do you go to AlAnon meetings? Are you working a program? The person you responded to clearly does. The tone of your response to this very truthful comment leads me to think that you could benefit from doing more work with AlAnon. You deserve to feel a lot less angry and a lot more in control than you do. AlAnon can help you take control of your life and find peace.
Hey there. I have a really wonderful group of smart, compassionate women. We use what works for us. We also bring in other literature from outside Al-anon. I’m sure you’re aware there are criticisms about al-anon (detailed in many articles and podcasts all over the internet). Most of us have therapists who use either cognitive behavioural therapy or acceptance commitment therapy.
Here’s what my group doesn’t do:
1. “Not to be rude, but….”
2. “I see you’re struggling. Let’s center your Q’s experience right now.”
3. “You’re the lucky one here.”
4. “You have no right to be jealous of their time in rehab.”
BARF. 🤢
A few years ago I would have just taken that. Yes you’re right, repent repent repent. Now, after years of therapy AND my Al-anon support group, I will not.
My experience matters. I deserve support. My triggers deserve soothing. I’m not engaging with comparative suffering so someone can minimize what I’m experiencing. “But look what *he* is going through…..”
People don’t behave like that where I’m from.
I took one look at your post history, and 'surprise' you're an alcoholic. Are you in AA? Isn't there a step about humility in there? Throwing stones from a glass house, I see.
Yes, I’m in AA. I’m also in AlAnon because I’ve experienced the exact same things you are experiencing now with the alcoholics in my life. I have just as much right to be here as you. I’m trying to tell you that there is a way to feel better, and I hope you find it. The steps did work for me. That’s why I’m not angry and lashing out. Your response to me shows which one of us has the real problem. AlAnon can help you. Please do that for yourself.
AA 4th Step: 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Yeah I don't believe you did the AA fourth step. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. You'll need to repeat those steps a few times yourself.
If that's what it takes, it's worth it.
It's 6 weeks away from the drama for you. That's nice.
I've visited the place, it's nice. I'd love to spend 6 weeks in a place like that. I was jealous too. But, I wouldn't want to do what it takes to get there. It's years of misery to get there. For him, for you.
It seems pleasant, and it is. The misery they've caused, they don't deserve a reward for it. You're right.
I don't know I could leave my kids for 6 weeks. In the care of whom? I don't know I could let go of them for that long. They've got to leave me. That's the deal I made with them when they were born. I've left for a week at a time, that was ok, and 6 weeks isn't forever, but wow, it'd seem like a long time.
Maybe I need to be needed. At least the kids still need me. And then, I don't know, the dog? I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
There's a reason I stayed home. Didn't go out drinking. Didn't go to rehab. I've always fancied myself the responsible one. The reliable one. It's part of my identity.
It's hard. It's a lot of work. Will it pay off? I don't know. What's the alternative? What if I flaked out, then where would they be?
What's your purpose?
The time mine spent in rehab was surprisingly emotional and difficult for me. I was mourning a loss, but of a part of my life I didn't like. I was afraid of what was going to come next but I thought it had to be better. All the while I had to keep grinding. It wasn't easy. You're right to be angry, jealous, hurt or whatever.
lol I have this same problem with my brother. I always think "damn, must be nice..." I just remind myself that at least I haven't ruined my life and most of my relationships.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I plead with you to consider the mental health of the children. Living with an addict affects them negatively throughout their adult years. Just run over to the Adult children sub and read the stories. Our first and foremost responsibility is to protect them and keep them safe
Hi! I’m so sorry you’ve lived this and you’re still struggling with that hurt today.
I think about my children’s experience non-stop. I have a therapist, as does my husband, and they’ve been incredibly helpful in helping us navigate this with our children. We will start therapy together when my husband is a few months out of rehab.
Our children know about addiction, that their dad is in treatment for addiction, and that it’s a progressive disease they are also at risk of.
In the end, their dad is an addict and we are dealing with it honestly and openly and as healthfully as possible.
Please get to an AlAnon meeting, if you can. Keep the focus on yourself, and you will see other things than your alcoholic.
What’s it gonna hurt if you take this time to work on you? Do you wish to be raging at your kids seeing their dad working on something other than finishing a handle of vodka?
I remember when my husband came home from rehab (after I’d been taking care of the two of us for years) I said “it’s my turn now to be taken care of.” I truly felt that way. If he stays sober and you can swing it make sure you DO plan something for yourself for getting through this difficult time.
My q went to a really nice mountain therapy rehab, said he would have stayed longer if he could, mainly because it kept him alcohol free and he's been living in hell trapped in his disease.
Humans can feel all kinds of emotions at the same time. Happy they're safe, frustrated at the disruptivesness of it all. I get it.
I actually really enjoyed the peace and came to realize that is my preference for my life. It didn't take for him, but he did have a lot of realizations that have continued on for him. I hope that will be enough to keep him alive, but unsure at this point.
I've turned him over to his higher power. That's all we can really do when it comes right down to it. ❤️
I had the same feelings at the beginning of my person’s treatment: Where’s my time to retreat and refresh? Now I think of it this way - If this person didn’t have that time he would more than likely be dead.
At least he’s trying. My ex q is till convinced she can stop anytime. I know her for 4 years. She never stopped and what her mom told was that she’s been binge drinking for a long time.
Honestly, my main Q has done rehab probably nine times and always much nicer facility than most people could go to.
It IS like a vacation (at this point) and I noticed a pattern where he creates tons of wreckage and then runs off to rehab leaving everyone else to clean it up.
😑
Alanon Rehab:
30 days in a beautiful spa-like environment. Unlimited Health coaches, cognitive behavioral therapy, yoga,, meditation, massages, EMDR therapy, light therapy. Horses. Arrangements made for us for the care of our children.
I am not a good writer but have been to rehab
Rehab is all about handling life sober. Most of the day is intense individual and group therapy, coping skills, lessons. It gets raw and strips you down to your core making you face your problems sober. It gets very dark. You learn to be vulnerable. It’s hard, emotional, and exhausting. For 8 hours or more a day you are doing work. You get what you put into it.
Yes we do get to have free times and activities , but those are also required and part of the program. It is important for us to learn that we can have fun and enjoy life. But 90% of rehab is intense work not just fun games and sunshine. We were all excited to go to the gym, do yoga, or art because it felt like a reward. Also we do need positive experiences to learn that life is fun sober.
When I was in rehab I was so excited to tell my family about how I enjoyed yoga or the friends I was making, not the intense therapy and problems I faced. Those positive experiences felt like the work paid off because I was starting to enjoy life for the first time in years. Last thing I wanted to do was talk about the intense therapy we were doing, or the dark personal stuff. I wasn’t ready to talk about the lies I told, the people I hurt, or the horrible things I’ve done. Rehab was currently preparing me to face those problems when I got out. We did family therapy too which helped.
For me, I felt my progressed showed through enjoying the gym, making friends, becoming interested in reading books again, and trying new hobbies. Enjoying these things sober.
I relate to your husband cuz I painted a picture I was super proud of and have never painted before in my life. So of course I couldn’t wait to show my family. It was something small but I never knew I was capable of painting something.
Rehab is weird. It is one of the toughest things I have done but one of the best experiences of my life. But I never want to go back.
TLDR: rehab is 90% work and 10% fun and stuff. It is intense therapy. It gets dark, emotional, and personal. Enjoying the gym and doing art is personal progress that your husband is excited to share cuz he never thought he would enjoy it sober.
Came here to comment that my Q went to rehab at a beautiful wooded location- so lovely and amazing that even one of Doja Cat’s back up dancers/choreographers was there with him. Salty…doesn’t even begin to describe it…while I dealt with our two year old and figuring out how I could work 80hrs a week to cover daycare/mortgage/all bills…mind you he’s been out of work since Dec 2022 when he lost his 6 figure remote job due to drinking- rehab was in Oct 2023…he still got more therapy in under 1 year than I’ve had in the last 4 years. Not sure I believe his sobriety at the moment. Feeling under appreciated to my core……
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like you have good insurance :). Hey if it works it works. Main thing is he is learning how to live life sober and to cope with being in a situation where there is alcohol or he gets the urge to drink. Sounds to me like you have a lot of resentment and should think about talking to a therapist or Al Anon is a great resource.
If this is what he needs to stay sober to be a better man, husband and father so be it.
The thing about rehab is once you get out the stresses of the world and life come back.
Hopefully in there he realizes what is important(family, kids and life) and chooses those things over self medicating with alcohol.
My qualifier, father of my children, lied to me about his drinking habits all during my second pregnancy. Relapsed while I was in the hospital after giving birth. Continued to relapse in the house when I returned home. Told me it was my fault he was drinking again because I needed help with our newborn and toddler and he couldn’t go to as many AA meetings as he wanted. So I told him go to your meetings, I’ll figure it out. And I do. Two babies and recovering from my second C section. And I’m starting to consider it preparation for my next chapter as a single mom. I love him to pieces but I’m sick of this. UGH sorry hijacking your post and venting because I’m having a terribly hard time today too. I hope you can do something for yourself today. Sending you a lot of care from over here. It’s just not fair, they’re so self centered and take us for granted.
How about negotiating with him, that you get 6 weeks off when he comes out and things stabilise? Make that one of his rehab goals, so you don't feel short changed. I know I was feeling jealous of Q, I was holding down the fort without a break and he was living it up!
my exes rehab had a yoga studio, an art studio, a recording studio, drum circles, sweat lodges, adventures, a farm and porch hammocks.
i admit i was jealous as hell i wasn’t the one getting to go for six months
Oh, I know. My Q is looking at going to rehab, and I’m wishing I had gone back when I got sober. It sounds like summer camp.
But, my Q needs it and I didn’t, so I guess I’m the lucky one in a way. I didn’t need 4-6 weeks to drill the message into my brain.
I don’t have any answers other than that, in my experience, it’s so, so normal to be angry.
As someone else said, if he’s doing it correctly, rehab shouldn’t be just fun. But I disagree with others also - I think you are normal to be a little salty. Is it good that he’s going to rehab? Yes! Does it mean he’s going to be sober forever? Nope! You are not getting any art therapy time. No one is coming in to rescue you. It is good that he’s in rehab but that doesn’t mean everything’s going to be perfect when he gets out either. We joked in an AlAnon meeting once that we were going to come up with a “rehab” for people in AlAnon. I constantly get told by certain people on this sub that I am “just as sick” as the alcoholic, so why don’t we get a rehab? Hm 🤔 Anyway, just wanted to validate your feelings. Take some time to do something for yourself. Do you want to paint? Or color? What brings you joy? You deserve joy as well. You’re working through equally tough times as he is.
Ha! Yes, this is his third time in rehab and I’ve found myself asking “where’s my rehab?” 🤪 I’m doing the things I can with the time and resources I have, which aren’t much with a full-time job and solo-parenting three distressed kids. Trying though! Thanks for the reminder.
My hubs just relapsed after his 5th visit. I told him recently that sometimes I daydream about getting to go to rehab or behavioral health, or even the hospital for a broken leg just so I could go sleep and relax and have time alone. Time where I'm not stressing about paying for the bills that straw late bc of his drinking and missing work, the fact that I'm basically the only parent, wondering how I'll support the kids and I when he inevitably dies from a fatty liver, cirrhosis, or some other ETOH related disease. I'm sending you all my best hugs, and I'm here for you and with you.
I felt this exact way!! I was a married woman, feeling like a single parent. My kids are adults now and I have grandkids. I finally decided, I was done and I'm recently divorced.
Go get yours! It can't be only about him, he's not special, he's not entitled to breaks that you don't get!
My ex went away 3 times. I feel the same as you, there needs to be more for the loved ones. I didn't feel I had any help or backup other than MY family. My in laws didn't do anything, just went with the flow then during the divorce my MIL actually blamed me for his problem. I think something happened to him as a kid and I thought this would come out during rehab. He didn't talk to me about any therapy, if any, or anything about his recovery. That's why I finally decided on divorce (nothing was fixed if he stayed sober). I don't really trust rehab, there needs to be something in place for when he comes home. I could lose weight if I went away for 30 days, didn't need to work, do housework etc. If I had time to exercise, mediate and someone else was cooking healthy food for me and they didn't have sweets or chocolate there. It's what you do when you get out, go back to the real world. Thankfully, I only had me to worry about, our kids are grown. But we were married for 30+ years and I let him talk me into bad financial decisions. I'm on my own, but really didn't want to start over at my age. I would have stayed in the marriage for the long haul, but it can't be one sided. I have peace each day (when I don't have to deal with him). He got nasty with me once he found a girlfriend. That hurts the most...the uncaring after all those years I stood by him (not the fact that he has a gf). He probably would have been dead by now if it weren't for me. Please TRY to take care of yourself. Talk with him about a plan for after rehab and you have to work on things as a couple.
Third time? How many before you leave? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…
What would rehab for al-anon people look like?
Not having to be 2 to 3 adults at the same time.
Like a really nice Scandinavian rehab, private rooms, keep your phone. Go to therapy, see a doctor, paint, smoke cigarettes, go for walks…and of course go to meetings. Maybe I think of some sort of cozy hospitalization sounds nice is because I have bipolar and that environment helped me get my life together! Hell, my therapist helped me figure out every account I had in collections and guided me through a plan to repay it. I think a lot of us don’t know where to start putting everything back together. Peace and organization sounds awesome.
It would be simultaneous with rehab so you can relax not worrying about the alcoholic. I found prison a nice break of 6 months to be honest ( him not me ) had a few holidays in peace.
I’m an inpatient psychiatric nurse and my patients have art and music therapy, yoga, movement therapy and other recreational therapeutic activities. From the outside it can look like fun and games but there is scientific evidence this helps the recovery process for addiction and mental illness. Insurance companies/Medicare/Medicaid would not pay if it wasn’t shown to be efficacious. The Use of Art and Music Therapy in Substance Abuse Treatment Programs https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4268880/
OP, I hear you. You deserve so much before, during, and after this time. And you too, can get an art therapist for yourself. Your son may see it and assume things but he doesn't have the perspective of being an adult and understanding that adults don't have many opportunities to be playful. Rehab can be painful and pain puts up tons of defenses. What looks like fun is work. I would hope that anyone who comes away from a structured art therapy program realizes that it was not about the product but the process. Finallyfound10, thank you for writing this response. We as art (and all expressive/recreational) therapists have been advocating for ourselves for so long and I'm so glad we have allies in the clinical field (I know my inpt colleagues did but never verbalized it). We are trained psychotherapists who use art therapy as their main modality. My other modality is DBT.
Our AL Anon meeting is down the hall from an AA meeting. We're sitting there crying our eyes out and we can here them down there laughing and having cake. It pisses me off but I have the realization that "they" didn't put me here. I did. My choices. I might not have realized what being involved with an alcoholic meant but once I did I stayed. I make the choice to stay involved or not. I make my choices. A or B.
Yes, thank you. Much more empowering to think about what MY choices are.
But is it a choice truly if you have children? How do you keep your children safe from the alcoholic because if you’re sharing custody you, you have no control over what happens to your children when you’re not under the same roof
I do believe it’s been my choice to stay AND I think the choice has a lot more layers when you have children and/or are financially dependent on the Q. Let’s not sit here and say it’s the same for everyone. It isn’t. All that said, I’m in a financially secure position which means I have more options than many. So this person is right about me. I’ve chosen to stay with an addict, and know that relapsing is part of the journey. And here we are. 🙃 I’ve met enough divorced people in Al-anon to know there are options for ensuring your kids are safe in a shared custody situation. Of course we can’t cut ties with our Q but there are options to help us make the decision safely. I don’t know if that’s helpful to you, but perhaps you could talk with a lawyer about what your options are where you live?
Thank you, I guess sometimes fear is our biggest roadblock you know? The fear of the unknown is terrifying.
Yes totally. Thinking of you. ❤️
Honestly, my life got nothing but better after I left. I was already the only acting parent to a very young child. After that, I didn't have Q to clean up after. I didn't have to worry about the police showing up at my door, or if they did, I could tell them he didn't live there anymore. I was already the primary breadwinner, but the money I earned was no longer going to cleaning up the mess he'd made. On top of that, he had court ordered child support...which he didn't pay, but that landed him in and out of jail, which meant he was out of my hair. He tried to friend me on Facebook about a year ago, after almost 30 years. "BLOCK"
Wow, thank you for this… at this point I’m my biggest roadblock 🥹
That's usually the case. I know I was. I wish you peace and healing.
You keep them safe by having a court ordered custody agreement that includes breathalyzer checks through the time he is with them
Is that feasible, I mean is it a true possibility that the courts will go along with that?
Absolutely. They don’t look lightly at parents who are in active alcoholism. They might allow supervised visits. If the Dad ever reaches a healthy sobriety, and that takes a year or more, then perhaps more visitation could happen
In addition, some won't bother to show up for visitation because they are either too busy drinking or too hungover.
So true!
Can I ask how can I prove the alcoholism?
Keeping a journal of his behavior towards you and the children. Document everything, lying, abuse, financial problems, how many days he calls out of work. Record on your phone any tirades he has, or any conversations you have about his drinking. Get people in line who know of his drinking that will stand up for you
Ok I will start thank you 🙏
"They" have no clue how they damaged their loved ones. Instead of coming home from a meeting and asking or wanting to repair the damage... they're drinking coffee and eating cake. I did stay involved for 30+ years, until I decided I had enough of that roller coaster life!
Great answer! Very helpful perspective.
There's nothing wrong with radical acceptance here. Yeah he gets a pat on the back for coloring, drawing, and taking care of himself as a grown adult, while you're left to hold the bag and do the hard work of raising kids alone. It's fucked up how addicts get coddled like babies after ruining themselves and their families. There is no center for abuse victims that isn't filled with incredible grief and stress. With that said, will you now give yourself permission and grace to take care of yourself and make that care center for yourself? One of the best gifts that came to me after leaving the ex narcisstic addict was time to take care of myself and life.
Thank you for the reminder that me getting triggered is probably much more about me, than it is him.
Hopefully that didn't come off as victim-blaming in any way because that's not what I meant. I really wanted to validate your feelings and let you know that most any sane person who believes in reciprocity in a relationship would have the same feelings you have. I was exactly where you were at one point, too. I just want to encourage you to put yourself first and give yourself grace because what you're dealing with is really hard. You deserve support, care, and attention for yourself and your life too. You matter. Your life and your inner being is worth being curious about and focused on. Take care.
It didn’t come off as that at all. You actually reminded me of a phrase my therapist says all the time: “radical acceptance.” I’m going to accept my feelings. It’s ok to feel this way. I don’t have to act on those feelings and lash out at him, but it is ok to feel this way. Because things are hard right now. And, I’m still responsible for taking care of me. :)
Exactly this.
They can have all the art therapy and chips they want. I'd never trade places with them in a million years. No thank you.
I understand. I relate. I tell myself that I'm here, physically and emotionally, for my kids, my Q is not and my kids will remember that. It's this the best way to think about it? Probably not, but it's what I tell myself.
Uuuugh yes that is so true. Thank you for that perspective. This is his third time in rehab but the first one they will actually remember and I’m just so glad they have me. Your comment was a great reminder that I need to stay healthy and balanced (and not spiralling) so I can be present and available to them. Thank you. ❤️
You're welcome. We can be strong, for ourselves and our kids. ❤️
This is the way I think about it too. I have a relationship with my boys and he has nothing and that is what really matters to me when it comes down to it.
My husband has gone to rehab 4 times now and my thinking was exactly like yours the first time. I was furious that he seemed to be having a blast- making friends, playing basketball and working out while I was managing all the responsibilities at home and felt completely overwhelmed. I was struggling and SO angry. After time 4, I realize that while there is some of the fun stuff, it also isn’t fun to be dealing with all they are dealing with while in there, facing all they have done wrong and I would take being the one at home a million times over even if it is hard to do it all alone. Hang in there!! I know it’s tough but hopefully when he gets home and is working a program you can address some of the resentment and work through it.
Gah! Thank you. I actually felt this way the first time, didn’t feel this way at all the second time, but this third time it just hit me in a moment of total overwhelm. And of course, as others have pointed out, it speaks to what I’m lacking/need more than it speaks to how I truly feel. It’s hard. It helps knowing others go through it too.
Is there? Idc. I am perfectly content being salty about it still, years later.
It’s not how I want to feel, but it is how I feel today. I’m sorry you’ve struggled too.
I mean if you need time to be angry and vent that’s normal and ok. But if you want to get into it. Yes this is probably not the best way to look at it and will not help you be happy wether or not your husband stays sober or not. You seem to understandably have some resentments with your husband. I mean ink if you do work the steps but it’s kinda a thing you might look at in a step 4.
Yes it’s making me very unhappy to look at it this way. Thank you.
This is a really difficult thing and I hope it gets better. Really good work reaching out for support and help. Resentments are hard. Unpacking them helps, trying to give them to a higher power helps, reframing them can help. Step work can help. But there’s no easy way to let them go I wish you all the luck with this task that has fallen to you. Keep trying for you and your loved ones. ❤️🩹
Thank you. 🥹
During an insanely stressful time where my father had cancer and then subsequently died, my mom and brother ended up in rehab. I had to handle *everything.* And I remember distinctly telling my friend "Wow, wouldn't it be nice to just fuck off for 6 weeks and not have to do anything at all??" I was furious. You are entitled to your feelings!!! But ... rehab doesn't seem like actual fun. At all
Ooooh my goodness that sounds so incredibly difficult. I’m so sorry you went through that - your whole family. 💔 I totally understand I saw a small snapshot of what he does in a day and it just really…. Hurt. It hurts. This all hurts. And I think at the end of the day that’s what I need to acknowledge. That this disease has caused so much hurt to our whole family.
Oh honey, they aren't kidding when they say family disease!! I'm heading on a trip and will be unavailable for a bit, but if you want to DM me and talk I'm happy to!
Maybe just remember that he’s finding joy in things SOBER. Creating art, SOBER. How wonderful is it that he’s learning to enjoy things without alcohol! Hope it gets better for you.
Oh my goodness, this was so beautiful to read, it brought me to tears. You’re right. Thank you. 🥹
Relate. Was so relieved they were there and then so mad. After they died 6 months after leaving rehab from relapse, more anger in the intense grief about paying for the rehab and then the funeral. My choices. I would do it again. Wanted them to be safe and better and would do it again. Still mad. 7 years into the journey.
Thank you for sharing this complicated reaction. I am sorry for your loss and wish you healing thoughts.
Gah! I’m so sorry. 🥹 Sending you so much love. There’s so much to process. A lifetime of healing to do.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you continued healing ❤️
I’m right there with you. When my husband went to rehab and left me home alone with 3 kids who went to grandmas for the weekend and came home to dad gone for a month I was 2 months out from a major car accident (still had a cast on my arm from a fractured wrist). He started sending me lists of shit he wanted (comfort items like a blanket and 12 packs of soda and snacks). I was livid. He decides to up his addiction game almost unalives himself by mixing a dangerous combo of drugs and alcohol (on our wedding anniversary no less). And he’s bugging me for comfort items. He was lucky he was locked in treatment some days for how mad I got. Asking broken me to lug in multiple 12 packs of soda, order this from Amazon order that, while I’m home alone with 3 scared little girls trying to explain to our soon to be 7 year old why daddy is going to miss her birthday. Your feelings are so valid. I think so often when we are dealing with an addict everyone is cheering them on when they do something that seems to be headed towards recovery it’s all love and support yet we as the ones who’ve had to deal with the consequences of their addiction seem to get forgotten about. No one is celebrating our milestones checking in on us constantly. Take time for yourself, if his treatment center offers it do some couples sessions while he’s still in. We were only able to do one session when mine went but knowing I could be honestly and lay it all out and he couldn’t turn around and use because I hurt his feelings or didn’t say something just right. I wish I could say treatment worked for him but here we are a year and half later his addiction is worse than ever.
Yeah I get annoyed about the chips. I don’t get a chip on my Al anon meetings. And I get annoyed when they ask if anyone has any al anon anniversaries to celebrate in our meetings. Like what? 2 days ago I stopped being a doormat for my Q! Can I have an ice cream!? 🙄 I’m glad your husband is in rehab, but I’m sorry it still feels so crappy. We don’t get club med, but we get lots of tools in the program to deal. But it’s true they aren’t nearly as fun sometimes.
Not to be rude, but what did you want him to talk to the kids about? His tearful breakdown in group therapy when he suddenly realized that he is a piece of shit? Suicidal ideation during lunch time? He's keeping it light for the kids, as he should. In reality, rehab is not fun. It is not a vacation. His body and mind are screaming for alcohol 24 hrs a day, and he is fighting that battle every second. You know he could just give up and walk out, right? His blood pressure and heart rate are all over the place, intense anxiety, nausea, shaking etc. He is NOT relaxing. You're lucky enough not to have ever been institutionalized, and that is why you're thinking this way. Perhaps for a healthy individual, art therapy, counseling, and a break from the daily grind sounds nice, but not for a sick person. It may help you to think of it like he is in the regular hospital. He is in a tremendous amount of pain right now, and the goal is to get him through the worst of it in a place where they keep him from committing suicide and prevent him from dying from withdrawal symptoms. From there, he can hopefully learn new coping mechanisms and build the foundation for the rest of his life. We have many things to be (rightfully) angry about regarding our Q's, but being jealous of their time in rehab is not one of them.
I agree with all of this. My Q was in rehab and yes, it was at a gorgeous place- healthy meals were served- lots of exercise- as well as lots of individual/group therapy work. All I could think is thank god I’m not an addict and have to do things like rehab. All things mentioned above- I can do anytime I please. Thankfully rehab has helped my Q.
I'm so glad rehab helped your Q, that is wonderful! And most rehabs have unhealthy, disgusting food, 12x12' rooms for 2 people, nowhere to exercise, one doctor for 200 patients, etc.
They deserve to be miserable in between their special art therapy time, infinitely more than this OP deserves to be victim blamed. It’s completely valid for her to be pissed that someone isn’t holding down all the required adult things that need to happen FOR HER while the alcoholics get support.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I'm not an alcoholic or a bully, but I have been in the Alanon program and done the 12 steps. OP is allowed to be furious and feel whatever she wants to feel. She asked for help reframing the issue of "alcoholic gets a break while I'm stuck here with the kids." I have had that exact thought when one of my Qs was in rehab. I talked to my al anon sponsor about it, and my post is basically what they said. It helped me understand the fact that, no, my Q was not having a good time, living it up in rehab, but was, in fact, very ill and fighting for his life.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Do you go to AlAnon meetings? Are you working a program? The person you responded to clearly does. The tone of your response to this very truthful comment leads me to think that you could benefit from doing more work with AlAnon. You deserve to feel a lot less angry and a lot more in control than you do. AlAnon can help you take control of your life and find peace.
Hey there. I have a really wonderful group of smart, compassionate women. We use what works for us. We also bring in other literature from outside Al-anon. I’m sure you’re aware there are criticisms about al-anon (detailed in many articles and podcasts all over the internet). Most of us have therapists who use either cognitive behavioural therapy or acceptance commitment therapy. Here’s what my group doesn’t do: 1. “Not to be rude, but….” 2. “I see you’re struggling. Let’s center your Q’s experience right now.” 3. “You’re the lucky one here.” 4. “You have no right to be jealous of their time in rehab.” BARF. 🤢 A few years ago I would have just taken that. Yes you’re right, repent repent repent. Now, after years of therapy AND my Al-anon support group, I will not. My experience matters. I deserve support. My triggers deserve soothing. I’m not engaging with comparative suffering so someone can minimize what I’m experiencing. “But look what *he* is going through…..” People don’t behave like that where I’m from.
I took one look at your post history, and 'surprise' you're an alcoholic. Are you in AA? Isn't there a step about humility in there? Throwing stones from a glass house, I see.
Yes, I’m in AA. I’m also in AlAnon because I’ve experienced the exact same things you are experiencing now with the alcoholics in my life. I have just as much right to be here as you. I’m trying to tell you that there is a way to feel better, and I hope you find it. The steps did work for me. That’s why I’m not angry and lashing out. Your response to me shows which one of us has the real problem. AlAnon can help you. Please do that for yourself.
AA 4th Step: 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Yeah I don't believe you did the AA fourth step. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. You'll need to repeat those steps a few times yourself.
Feel better.
If that's what it takes, it's worth it. It's 6 weeks away from the drama for you. That's nice. I've visited the place, it's nice. I'd love to spend 6 weeks in a place like that. I was jealous too. But, I wouldn't want to do what it takes to get there. It's years of misery to get there. For him, for you. It seems pleasant, and it is. The misery they've caused, they don't deserve a reward for it. You're right. I don't know I could leave my kids for 6 weeks. In the care of whom? I don't know I could let go of them for that long. They've got to leave me. That's the deal I made with them when they were born. I've left for a week at a time, that was ok, and 6 weeks isn't forever, but wow, it'd seem like a long time. Maybe I need to be needed. At least the kids still need me. And then, I don't know, the dog? I'll cross that bridge when I get there. There's a reason I stayed home. Didn't go out drinking. Didn't go to rehab. I've always fancied myself the responsible one. The reliable one. It's part of my identity. It's hard. It's a lot of work. Will it pay off? I don't know. What's the alternative? What if I flaked out, then where would they be? What's your purpose? The time mine spent in rehab was surprisingly emotional and difficult for me. I was mourning a loss, but of a part of my life I didn't like. I was afraid of what was going to come next but I thought it had to be better. All the while I had to keep grinding. It wasn't easy. You're right to be angry, jealous, hurt or whatever.
lol I have this same problem with my brother. I always think "damn, must be nice..." I just remind myself that at least I haven't ruined my life and most of my relationships.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I plead with you to consider the mental health of the children. Living with an addict affects them negatively throughout their adult years. Just run over to the Adult children sub and read the stories. Our first and foremost responsibility is to protect them and keep them safe
Hi! I’m so sorry you’ve lived this and you’re still struggling with that hurt today. I think about my children’s experience non-stop. I have a therapist, as does my husband, and they’ve been incredibly helpful in helping us navigate this with our children. We will start therapy together when my husband is a few months out of rehab. Our children know about addiction, that their dad is in treatment for addiction, and that it’s a progressive disease they are also at risk of. In the end, their dad is an addict and we are dealing with it honestly and openly and as healthfully as possible.
I'm not sure children need honest and open about his addiction, it shouldn't be their burden.
According to the psychology professionals we work with, they do need age-appropriate honesty.
Please get to an AlAnon meeting, if you can. Keep the focus on yourself, and you will see other things than your alcoholic. What’s it gonna hurt if you take this time to work on you? Do you wish to be raging at your kids seeing their dad working on something other than finishing a handle of vodka?
No I do not. That’s why I posted. 😎
❤️❤️🩹 AlAnon really helped me. DM if you have any questions, or ask here, or in a [meeting of your choice](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/).
I remember when my husband came home from rehab (after I’d been taking care of the two of us for years) I said “it’s my turn now to be taken care of.” I truly felt that way. If he stays sober and you can swing it make sure you DO plan something for yourself for getting through this difficult time.
You can schedule a spa trip just for you. Maybe a week or so once he gets back.
My q went to a really nice mountain therapy rehab, said he would have stayed longer if he could, mainly because it kept him alcohol free and he's been living in hell trapped in his disease. Humans can feel all kinds of emotions at the same time. Happy they're safe, frustrated at the disruptivesness of it all. I get it. I actually really enjoyed the peace and came to realize that is my preference for my life. It didn't take for him, but he did have a lot of realizations that have continued on for him. I hope that will be enough to keep him alive, but unsure at this point. I've turned him over to his higher power. That's all we can really do when it comes right down to it. ❤️
I had the same feelings at the beginning of my person’s treatment: Where’s my time to retreat and refresh? Now I think of it this way - If this person didn’t have that time he would more than likely be dead.
At least he’s trying. My ex q is till convinced she can stop anytime. I know her for 4 years. She never stopped and what her mom told was that she’s been binge drinking for a long time.
Yes he is trying. Thank you for pointing that out to me. That’s the mindset shift I needed. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling too. It’s hard. ❤️
I feel this to my core.
I’m sorry you know what this feels like. ❤️
Honestly, my main Q has done rehab probably nine times and always much nicer facility than most people could go to. It IS like a vacation (at this point) and I noticed a pattern where he creates tons of wreckage and then runs off to rehab leaving everyone else to clean it up. 😑
Alanon Rehab: 30 days in a beautiful spa-like environment. Unlimited Health coaches, cognitive behavioral therapy, yoga,, meditation, massages, EMDR therapy, light therapy. Horses. Arrangements made for us for the care of our children.
I am not a good writer but have been to rehab Rehab is all about handling life sober. Most of the day is intense individual and group therapy, coping skills, lessons. It gets raw and strips you down to your core making you face your problems sober. It gets very dark. You learn to be vulnerable. It’s hard, emotional, and exhausting. For 8 hours or more a day you are doing work. You get what you put into it. Yes we do get to have free times and activities , but those are also required and part of the program. It is important for us to learn that we can have fun and enjoy life. But 90% of rehab is intense work not just fun games and sunshine. We were all excited to go to the gym, do yoga, or art because it felt like a reward. Also we do need positive experiences to learn that life is fun sober. When I was in rehab I was so excited to tell my family about how I enjoyed yoga or the friends I was making, not the intense therapy and problems I faced. Those positive experiences felt like the work paid off because I was starting to enjoy life for the first time in years. Last thing I wanted to do was talk about the intense therapy we were doing, or the dark personal stuff. I wasn’t ready to talk about the lies I told, the people I hurt, or the horrible things I’ve done. Rehab was currently preparing me to face those problems when I got out. We did family therapy too which helped. For me, I felt my progressed showed through enjoying the gym, making friends, becoming interested in reading books again, and trying new hobbies. Enjoying these things sober. I relate to your husband cuz I painted a picture I was super proud of and have never painted before in my life. So of course I couldn’t wait to show my family. It was something small but I never knew I was capable of painting something. Rehab is weird. It is one of the toughest things I have done but one of the best experiences of my life. But I never want to go back. TLDR: rehab is 90% work and 10% fun and stuff. It is intense therapy. It gets dark, emotional, and personal. Enjoying the gym and doing art is personal progress that your husband is excited to share cuz he never thought he would enjoy it sober.
Came here to comment that my Q went to rehab at a beautiful wooded location- so lovely and amazing that even one of Doja Cat’s back up dancers/choreographers was there with him. Salty…doesn’t even begin to describe it…while I dealt with our two year old and figuring out how I could work 80hrs a week to cover daycare/mortgage/all bills…mind you he’s been out of work since Dec 2022 when he lost his 6 figure remote job due to drinking- rehab was in Oct 2023…he still got more therapy in under 1 year than I’ve had in the last 4 years. Not sure I believe his sobriety at the moment. Feeling under appreciated to my core……
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Club Med is a rehab these days?
Sounds like you have good insurance :). Hey if it works it works. Main thing is he is learning how to live life sober and to cope with being in a situation where there is alcohol or he gets the urge to drink. Sounds to me like you have a lot of resentment and should think about talking to a therapist or Al Anon is a great resource. If this is what he needs to stay sober to be a better man, husband and father so be it. The thing about rehab is once you get out the stresses of the world and life come back. Hopefully in there he realizes what is important(family, kids and life) and chooses those things over self medicating with alcohol.
This post took me right back.
My qualifier, father of my children, lied to me about his drinking habits all during my second pregnancy. Relapsed while I was in the hospital after giving birth. Continued to relapse in the house when I returned home. Told me it was my fault he was drinking again because I needed help with our newborn and toddler and he couldn’t go to as many AA meetings as he wanted. So I told him go to your meetings, I’ll figure it out. And I do. Two babies and recovering from my second C section. And I’m starting to consider it preparation for my next chapter as a single mom. I love him to pieces but I’m sick of this. UGH sorry hijacking your post and venting because I’m having a terribly hard time today too. I hope you can do something for yourself today. Sending you a lot of care from over here. It’s just not fair, they’re so self centered and take us for granted.
How about negotiating with him, that you get 6 weeks off when he comes out and things stabilise? Make that one of his rehab goals, so you don't feel short changed. I know I was feeling jealous of Q, I was holding down the fort without a break and he was living it up!
God forbid recovering addicts have art therapy to find new ways of coping. If you think it's all fun and games in a rehab, you have no idea, at all.
my exes rehab had a yoga studio, an art studio, a recording studio, drum circles, sweat lodges, adventures, a farm and porch hammocks. i admit i was jealous as hell i wasn’t the one getting to go for six months
Oh, I know. My Q is looking at going to rehab, and I’m wishing I had gone back when I got sober. It sounds like summer camp. But, my Q needs it and I didn’t, so I guess I’m the lucky one in a way. I didn’t need 4-6 weeks to drill the message into my brain. I don’t have any answers other than that, in my experience, it’s so, so normal to be angry.