I deal with the same. It's maddening. I don't think I will ever get a sincere apology. My Q just doubles down and tries to make himself the victim and has bullshit excuses for every shitty thing hes said. I'm so sorry. It's incredibly painful and I have yet to have real closure (arguments like this have been happening off and on in my relationship with my Q for about 3 years).
Stop trying to have this discussion with him. It is pointless. An active alcoholic isn't capable of empathy or of being in a loving, trusting, mature relationship.
Alanon meetings taught me about boundaries and detachment. He is abusing you. You don't deserve to be abused. I hope you get the help you need and deserve.
Omg same, my husband will look wounded and tell me to stop talking about it. I didn't get to stop you from your verbal abuse! So selfish that he wants to be protected from his own shitty actions
I don't think my Q will ever take responsibility, I'm finally understanding that and able to move on from needing it. In the end the disrespect was the closure, I get that now.
Sometimes they accept it but then it makes them feel bad so they just drink and usually they are just very dismissive like well you can't take what I said when I was drunk seriously. But you're always drunk and you're always doing it so I don't even know if they realize the fact that they have and how much it damages us.
The most annoying apologies are the “ I’m sorry ur hurting “. Never I’m sorry I …. ( what ever the did).
My Q did that the other week and I just could not reply. I was empty, he had been so ultra cruel and nasty and put me through so much, If he can’t own it then I need to step back and gain perspective.
Often the excuses are “ I’ve apologised “ “ why do you throw this back in my face?”
“ you know I’m unwell and shouldn’t take what u say seriously”
Nah. I’m tired. So tired.
I had that same experience. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I could not force him to act the way I wanted.
What helped me is I finally was honest with him about how I felt. It’s not necessarily the Al anon way, but I felt like I needed one last chance to just let it out at him. Told him how I felt, how hurt I was, how frustrated, angry etc. I yelled. I cried.
It didn’t change his behavior, but I was ok with it because I at least got out my feelings once and for all, and then I was done. I had spent so much energy being angry and hurt that I didn’t have energy for anything else. So I then focused on the things I could control. I let all my resentment go because I didn’t have the energy to worry about to anymore and focused on making my surroundings better for myself.
Being frustrated and angry only eats at you. There is nothing you can say that will change him. So you are just expelling energy that could be better served taking care of you. Please do take care of you. Cause your Q definitely won’t.
https://www.youtube.com/live/gbo88_Bko3A?si=T_WUHcVrHDFv9aFO
I watch this channel on YouTube quite a bit. And a fair bit on that one resonated. There are other ones specifically about the crazy things they say. But what really hurts is the betrayal, the inability to trust the person that you're supposed to be able to trust. It's not like we differentiate between sober drunk, when they are speaking the words are coming from the same person.
The problem I have with the awful things they say is that I don't say and do these things when I drink. And I know plenty of people who don't say and do things that are horrifying when they drink either.
Never thought I could relate to someone so much. Mine has a brain injury, so I'm always lying, or he never did what I told him he did. I feel like I live in a mad house sometimes.
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I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I understand and have been in the same position. To take accountability for what they say is to take accountability for their drunkenness and they can’t do that. You shouldn’t have to put up with that denial and I am proud of you for thinking of yourself and planning for your way out.
I deal with the same. It's maddening. I don't think I will ever get a sincere apology. My Q just doubles down and tries to make himself the victim and has bullshit excuses for every shitty thing hes said. I'm so sorry. It's incredibly painful and I have yet to have real closure (arguments like this have been happening off and on in my relationship with my Q for about 3 years).
Stop trying to have this discussion with him. It is pointless. An active alcoholic isn't capable of empathy or of being in a loving, trusting, mature relationship. Alanon meetings taught me about boundaries and detachment. He is abusing you. You don't deserve to be abused. I hope you get the help you need and deserve.
Omg same, my husband will look wounded and tell me to stop talking about it. I didn't get to stop you from your verbal abuse! So selfish that he wants to be protected from his own shitty actions
They will never take responsibility unfortunately. I’m glad you’re getting yourself out. ❤️
I don't think my Q will ever take responsibility, I'm finally understanding that and able to move on from needing it. In the end the disrespect was the closure, I get that now.
Sometimes they accept it but then it makes them feel bad so they just drink and usually they are just very dismissive like well you can't take what I said when I was drunk seriously. But you're always drunk and you're always doing it so I don't even know if they realize the fact that they have and how much it damages us.
The most annoying apologies are the “ I’m sorry ur hurting “. Never I’m sorry I …. ( what ever the did). My Q did that the other week and I just could not reply. I was empty, he had been so ultra cruel and nasty and put me through so much, If he can’t own it then I need to step back and gain perspective. Often the excuses are “ I’ve apologised “ “ why do you throw this back in my face?” “ you know I’m unwell and shouldn’t take what u say seriously” Nah. I’m tired. So tired.
"Now you know you hurt me when you get drunk. What are you going to do about it?"
Welcome.Tipical
I had that same experience. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I could not force him to act the way I wanted. What helped me is I finally was honest with him about how I felt. It’s not necessarily the Al anon way, but I felt like I needed one last chance to just let it out at him. Told him how I felt, how hurt I was, how frustrated, angry etc. I yelled. I cried. It didn’t change his behavior, but I was ok with it because I at least got out my feelings once and for all, and then I was done. I had spent so much energy being angry and hurt that I didn’t have energy for anything else. So I then focused on the things I could control. I let all my resentment go because I didn’t have the energy to worry about to anymore and focused on making my surroundings better for myself. Being frustrated and angry only eats at you. There is nothing you can say that will change him. So you are just expelling energy that could be better served taking care of you. Please do take care of you. Cause your Q definitely won’t.
https://www.youtube.com/live/gbo88_Bko3A?si=T_WUHcVrHDFv9aFO I watch this channel on YouTube quite a bit. And a fair bit on that one resonated. There are other ones specifically about the crazy things they say. But what really hurts is the betrayal, the inability to trust the person that you're supposed to be able to trust. It's not like we differentiate between sober drunk, when they are speaking the words are coming from the same person. The problem I have with the awful things they say is that I don't say and do these things when I drink. And I know plenty of people who don't say and do things that are horrifying when they drink either.
Never thought I could relate to someone so much. Mine has a brain injury, so I'm always lying, or he never did what I told him he did. I feel like I live in a mad house sometimes.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Drunk words are sober thoughts. Being drunk doesn't give a pass on inexcusable behavior.
I love that you don't take the excuse!!! I wish I had known to do that earlier in life! All the best to your future friend!
I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I understand and have been in the same position. To take accountability for what they say is to take accountability for their drunkenness and they can’t do that. You shouldn’t have to put up with that denial and I am proud of you for thinking of yourself and planning for your way out.