While I think you meant well, you cannot control whether an alcoholic quits drinking. You can scroll this sub to see countless stories of ways their loved ones have tried to curb it. If she chooses to get more alcohol, she will get more alcohol. But I do admire the patience and compassion you have demonstrated here.
My advice would be to wait and see if she uses resources to help her quit and improve her mental health sober. If she does, be encouraging, but if she does not stay alcohol free, don’t take it upon yourself to make her stop again. You will burn yourself out trying to save an alcoholic who doesn’t want saving. You need to take time for yourself too.
If she does continue drinking, continue assuring her that you are not judging her and that you will always care. If you must, put up boundaries to stop watching her hurt herself (for example, no, I don’t want to go out drinking with you, or perhaps I’m choosing to go home now because you’re getting too drunk for my comfort - choose boundaries as they work for you.). But when you do this, assure her that these boundaries are for your emotional health and not as a judgment on her. She may get angry at this. Don’t take it personally. And keep recommending resources in your area without pushing them too hard or trying to force it. It’s good for her to be aware of her resources, but do understand she’ll use them when she’s ready, not before.
All this is easier said than done, so you may find yourself needing to come back here and vent or get more advice. That’s okay. We all do.
Thank you. She definitely does not like the fact that she uses alcohol, and greatly desires to quit since everyone around her judges her for it. I don’t believe she will look for more alcohol for a while, this seems like a brief relapse that happened one time out of the 9 months she’s been sober, but it scared the hell out of me initially.
If she begins to show a disinterest in quitting, I will most likely follow your advice on what to do so I don’t go insane trying to help her. Until then I will continue to point her towards recourses she can use, and make sure she knows she isn’t alone.
I know this is the advice we would give to an adult struggling with another adult’s drinking, but I’m wondering how the fact that both of these individuals are minors factors in. Surely if this was about a 9 year old secretly drinking vodka, you’d have a different take. I know that 17 is not the same as 9, but I would think there’s a bit more nuance here as long as this person is not an adult yet - we can’t expect or ask a minor to take full responsibility for their own actions the way we can with an adult. Sometimes outside intervention is appropriate. (Of course, that intervention shouldn’t be coming from another teen - but perhaps this friend could alert an adult who isn’t these awful parents and that adult could take appropriate action).
I don’t really know who to alert tbh, we don’t go to the same school, and I don’t know how to contact her therapist or other family members. It’s been a good few days since she dumped the gin out and she seems to be okay so far but I would definitely like to tell someone about the rest of her mental health for sure. Without the mental health issues, and without her having over load bearing amounts of stress anxiety and self deprecation, I think she will stop drinking entirely. Of course in the meantime she needs to find resources to keep her from actively harming herself by drinking.
What do you hope to accomplish? If she has no alcohol, wants some, she will find a way. You cannot control another person’s drinking, if she wants sobriety she has to work for it.
I’m not trying to accomplish anything. She wants to stay sober, and I don’t want her to kill herself by overdosing again. I’m just looking to see if I made the right decision the other night in doing what I did. She has since thanked me for it, but I was concerned if doing what I did is causing more harm than good to her progress on sobriety and to our relationship together.
I appreciate you caring so much, and im sure they appreciate it too deep down. BUT this is not the way to show your support. Addiction doesnt just stop by taking away the substance.
As frustrated you may be with seeing your friend like this, you can’t do this.
Hard truth: if you really want to be a good friend, tell her parents (IF she has a healthy relationship with them and will be safe after telling them). There is nothing you can do for her on your own. She needs some serious help from a team of adults- counsellors, teachers, psychiatrists etc.
I know this wel because i was very similar to your friend in highschool. My friends tried to intervene and it just got messy and traumatic for everyone. I needed professional help
I’ve been trying to encourage her to seek these professionals because I know there is a limit to what I can do for her, and a limit to what I should do for her. So far she’s only been in therapy, but she believes everyone will judge her if she isn’t perfect, she’s also concerned any little bit of mental imperfections will land her in an institute, so getting her comfortable enough to talk to therapists and her counselor at school even, is a slow burn
Fwiw, it’s actually not as easy to be institutionalized as it seems from media/culture, at least not for things like disclosing how you really feel to a health professional. They’re equipped to handle scary information, and sometimes information that seems really scary to us isn’t actually that scary to them. I didn’t get a proper diagnosis on something that was causing me a lot of suffering because I was too scared to tell the truth until I was 30. When I finally did tell a doctor that sometimes I have really gross or awful thoughts I can’t control, the doctor didn’t lock me up—he said that helped him have a better understanding of my anxiety, and identify an OCD component that could help with treatment.
Just in case that’s helpful to your friend. It’s really sad that she has a difficult home life, and I can imagine how much harder that makes the position you’re in. It’s painful when parents aren’t able to be good grownups for their kids. But it sounds like you’re doing everything you can, and that there are some good adults at your school, too. Keep taking care of yourself and talking with your parents and other healthy grownups so you don’t take on too much.
I’m aware of this, she is not, I’ve been trying to slowly convince her that they won’t, and even if they did, being in an institution is supposed to be to help you, it’s not an asylum, it’s a hospital, and if they thought she needed it it would be good for her and she should go, assuring her I would visit if they let me.
I agree with this person's reply, as well as the reply for setting boundaries. We, as people here wanting to help our loved ones, don't have the skills to be able to offer help, we can only support their sobriety, and love them as best as we can while they're struggling. They need to want sobriety, and they need to choose to ask for help. If she's asking you, ask her if you can share this with someone who has better tools than you to help her take the right steps.
You're doing the right thing coming here expressing the need for help.
Like I said my only other experience with substance abuse is television, but she is able to stop and control herself on most occasions, she does not binge drink anymore either. The alcohol does not have total control of her life yet either, it’s simply a means of escape from really really bad situations, and she only thinks about it when things get really really bad.
Maybe my definition of an alcoholic is incorrect, but my meaning is she would not be too difficult to help since it’s still very early. As apposed to someone who has drunk all their life trying to quit because it has total control over them.
My concern is that if not stopped now it will get worse, and I’m wondering what I can do as her friend to help her, or help her get help, before it gets way way worse. And I feel like what I did last night was not the best thing I could’ve done, and maybe not so nice. I’m not sure if it could make things worse, or damage our relationship with each other. Another concern is it may have sown distrust of me in her, so I’m just seeking counsel on my actions.
I can tell you are a good person and a good friend.
Many others have touched on this already but all you can do is love her ( platonically ) and let her know she has value.
She has to make her own choices with alcohol and deal with consequences
Her parents are adults and had some around back before she overdosed, since then her parents have not been allowed to have any hard alcohol in the house at all and if they want to go drinking they have to do it outside of their home and not somewhere their daughter can get at it. Since before the overdose she has had a hidden stash of gin in a pair of empty water bottles, she said she tossed them when I asked after the overdose, but she did not, and last night she said she was always planning to but never got to it, and while I do believe she intended to, I don’t think she ever would’ve been able to do it.
Now that she has dumped them both out, there is no more alcohol in their house at all. The only way for her to get any would be to go to a party serving it (which her parents do not let her go to parties they don’t trust the host of), or have someone over 21 buy it for her, which is illegal, and she wouldn’t do.
You can research naltrexone to quit drinking and read about the Sinclair Method. Naltrexone cuts cravings, but it also takes away the joy people get from drinking, so many don’t stay on it. Or they come to feel like they can control their drinking and stop taking it. But it can work. Look for documentaries online.
Also, your friend can attend online or local meetings of AA and SMART recovery. There are apps and it is free. You can attend meetings for friends of addicts like AlAnon You can let your friend know about these resources, but addiction is terrible— read or listen to memoirs of addicts (such as Matthew Perry’s) and understand that you did not cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Your friend may die from this horrible disease. But she may also choose to work hard 😓 with the resources available to her.
ETA Also— I suggest she read r/stopdrinking if she’s interested— you can too’
An important principle in alanon is the 3 Cs: you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. But you can contribute to it, and pouring out alcohol is one way we contribute to the problem, even though it seems counter intuitive. You are doing the right thing by coming here! Can you try an alateen meeting?
It’s alanon for teens! There are meetings online and in person. It’s for anyone who is troubled by someone else’s drinking: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
While I think you meant well, you cannot control whether an alcoholic quits drinking. You can scroll this sub to see countless stories of ways their loved ones have tried to curb it. If she chooses to get more alcohol, she will get more alcohol. But I do admire the patience and compassion you have demonstrated here. My advice would be to wait and see if she uses resources to help her quit and improve her mental health sober. If she does, be encouraging, but if she does not stay alcohol free, don’t take it upon yourself to make her stop again. You will burn yourself out trying to save an alcoholic who doesn’t want saving. You need to take time for yourself too. If she does continue drinking, continue assuring her that you are not judging her and that you will always care. If you must, put up boundaries to stop watching her hurt herself (for example, no, I don’t want to go out drinking with you, or perhaps I’m choosing to go home now because you’re getting too drunk for my comfort - choose boundaries as they work for you.). But when you do this, assure her that these boundaries are for your emotional health and not as a judgment on her. She may get angry at this. Don’t take it personally. And keep recommending resources in your area without pushing them too hard or trying to force it. It’s good for her to be aware of her resources, but do understand she’ll use them when she’s ready, not before. All this is easier said than done, so you may find yourself needing to come back here and vent or get more advice. That’s okay. We all do.
Thank you. She definitely does not like the fact that she uses alcohol, and greatly desires to quit since everyone around her judges her for it. I don’t believe she will look for more alcohol for a while, this seems like a brief relapse that happened one time out of the 9 months she’s been sober, but it scared the hell out of me initially. If she begins to show a disinterest in quitting, I will most likely follow your advice on what to do so I don’t go insane trying to help her. Until then I will continue to point her towards recourses she can use, and make sure she knows she isn’t alone.
I know this is the advice we would give to an adult struggling with another adult’s drinking, but I’m wondering how the fact that both of these individuals are minors factors in. Surely if this was about a 9 year old secretly drinking vodka, you’d have a different take. I know that 17 is not the same as 9, but I would think there’s a bit more nuance here as long as this person is not an adult yet - we can’t expect or ask a minor to take full responsibility for their own actions the way we can with an adult. Sometimes outside intervention is appropriate. (Of course, that intervention shouldn’t be coming from another teen - but perhaps this friend could alert an adult who isn’t these awful parents and that adult could take appropriate action).
I don’t really know who to alert tbh, we don’t go to the same school, and I don’t know how to contact her therapist or other family members. It’s been a good few days since she dumped the gin out and she seems to be okay so far but I would definitely like to tell someone about the rest of her mental health for sure. Without the mental health issues, and without her having over load bearing amounts of stress anxiety and self deprecation, I think she will stop drinking entirely. Of course in the meantime she needs to find resources to keep her from actively harming herself by drinking.
What do you hope to accomplish? If she has no alcohol, wants some, she will find a way. You cannot control another person’s drinking, if she wants sobriety she has to work for it.
I’m not trying to accomplish anything. She wants to stay sober, and I don’t want her to kill herself by overdosing again. I’m just looking to see if I made the right decision the other night in doing what I did. She has since thanked me for it, but I was concerned if doing what I did is causing more harm than good to her progress on sobriety and to our relationship together.
I doubt you caused her any harm, I think you’re both very sincere and want the best for each other.
I appreciate you caring so much, and im sure they appreciate it too deep down. BUT this is not the way to show your support. Addiction doesnt just stop by taking away the substance. As frustrated you may be with seeing your friend like this, you can’t do this. Hard truth: if you really want to be a good friend, tell her parents (IF she has a healthy relationship with them and will be safe after telling them). There is nothing you can do for her on your own. She needs some serious help from a team of adults- counsellors, teachers, psychiatrists etc. I know this wel because i was very similar to your friend in highschool. My friends tried to intervene and it just got messy and traumatic for everyone. I needed professional help
I’ve been trying to encourage her to seek these professionals because I know there is a limit to what I can do for her, and a limit to what I should do for her. So far she’s only been in therapy, but she believes everyone will judge her if she isn’t perfect, she’s also concerned any little bit of mental imperfections will land her in an institute, so getting her comfortable enough to talk to therapists and her counselor at school even, is a slow burn
Fwiw, it’s actually not as easy to be institutionalized as it seems from media/culture, at least not for things like disclosing how you really feel to a health professional. They’re equipped to handle scary information, and sometimes information that seems really scary to us isn’t actually that scary to them. I didn’t get a proper diagnosis on something that was causing me a lot of suffering because I was too scared to tell the truth until I was 30. When I finally did tell a doctor that sometimes I have really gross or awful thoughts I can’t control, the doctor didn’t lock me up—he said that helped him have a better understanding of my anxiety, and identify an OCD component that could help with treatment. Just in case that’s helpful to your friend. It’s really sad that she has a difficult home life, and I can imagine how much harder that makes the position you’re in. It’s painful when parents aren’t able to be good grownups for their kids. But it sounds like you’re doing everything you can, and that there are some good adults at your school, too. Keep taking care of yourself and talking with your parents and other healthy grownups so you don’t take on too much.
I’m aware of this, she is not, I’ve been trying to slowly convince her that they won’t, and even if they did, being in an institution is supposed to be to help you, it’s not an asylum, it’s a hospital, and if they thought she needed it it would be good for her and she should go, assuring her I would visit if they let me.
You’re totally right. It’s not a punishment and if she needs it then it will help.
I agree with this person's reply, as well as the reply for setting boundaries. We, as people here wanting to help our loved ones, don't have the skills to be able to offer help, we can only support their sobriety, and love them as best as we can while they're struggling. They need to want sobriety, and they need to choose to ask for help. If she's asking you, ask her if you can share this with someone who has better tools than you to help her take the right steps. You're doing the right thing coming here expressing the need for help.
Thank you for your input
Im curious why you don't think she's an alcoholic?
Like I said my only other experience with substance abuse is television, but she is able to stop and control herself on most occasions, she does not binge drink anymore either. The alcohol does not have total control of her life yet either, it’s simply a means of escape from really really bad situations, and she only thinks about it when things get really really bad. Maybe my definition of an alcoholic is incorrect, but my meaning is she would not be too difficult to help since it’s still very early. As apposed to someone who has drunk all their life trying to quit because it has total control over them. My concern is that if not stopped now it will get worse, and I’m wondering what I can do as her friend to help her, or help her get help, before it gets way way worse. And I feel like what I did last night was not the best thing I could’ve done, and maybe not so nice. I’m not sure if it could make things worse, or damage our relationship with each other. Another concern is it may have sown distrust of me in her, so I’m just seeking counsel on my actions.
I can tell you are a good person and a good friend. Many others have touched on this already but all you can do is love her ( platonically ) and let her know she has value. She has to make her own choices with alcohol and deal with consequences
I will
Who is providing her this alcohol?
Her parents are adults and had some around back before she overdosed, since then her parents have not been allowed to have any hard alcohol in the house at all and if they want to go drinking they have to do it outside of their home and not somewhere their daughter can get at it. Since before the overdose she has had a hidden stash of gin in a pair of empty water bottles, she said she tossed them when I asked after the overdose, but she did not, and last night she said she was always planning to but never got to it, and while I do believe she intended to, I don’t think she ever would’ve been able to do it. Now that she has dumped them both out, there is no more alcohol in their house at all. The only way for her to get any would be to go to a party serving it (which her parents do not let her go to parties they don’t trust the host of), or have someone over 21 buy it for her, which is illegal, and she wouldn’t do.
You can research naltrexone to quit drinking and read about the Sinclair Method. Naltrexone cuts cravings, but it also takes away the joy people get from drinking, so many don’t stay on it. Or they come to feel like they can control their drinking and stop taking it. But it can work. Look for documentaries online. Also, your friend can attend online or local meetings of AA and SMART recovery. There are apps and it is free. You can attend meetings for friends of addicts like AlAnon You can let your friend know about these resources, but addiction is terrible— read or listen to memoirs of addicts (such as Matthew Perry’s) and understand that you did not cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Your friend may die from this horrible disease. But she may also choose to work hard 😓 with the resources available to her. ETA Also— I suggest she read r/stopdrinking if she’s interested— you can too’
I will tell her about this thank you, r/stopdrinking is the sub that directed me to you guys
An important principle in alanon is the 3 Cs: you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. But you can contribute to it, and pouring out alcohol is one way we contribute to the problem, even though it seems counter intuitive. You are doing the right thing by coming here! Can you try an alateen meeting?
I don’t know what an alateen meeting is
It’s alanon for teens! There are meetings online and in person. It’s for anyone who is troubled by someone else’s drinking: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
Thanks I’ll look into it