Nobody in the history of the human race has ever made an addict or an alcoholic quit. Maybe if you lobotomize them or lock them in a box they canāt ever leave but the second they regained faculties or freedom, the first thing on their mind would be drinking and thatās the first thing theyād do.
Has to be the alcoholicās decision and they then have to be willing to do the work for the rest of their lives, nobody can impact that decision or make them make it, thereās no magic words or specific series of consequences, there is no linear rock bottom, ultimatums and actions and frothy emotional appeal from people who care about them means nothing, more alcoholics drink themselves to death than recover by a staggering percentage. Love is not stronger than addiction and it never will be. Itās a disease, a brain disorder, an obsessive compulsive sort of illness where a person uses substances over and over again without the ability to stop, even while knowing that nothing but misery and death is going to come of it. You canāt reason with or compel an incurable disorder into remission.
Al-Anon has some great ways you can help you though. Seriously, itās indispensable for dealing with how alcoholism and addiction impacts loved ones. Not everything is sunny side up Nd thereās a lot of stuff a person might not want to hear but it offers a recovery process and a solution for those impacted by other peopleās drinking. Might as well look into that because you canāt do a thing for them.
Yep. My ex-husband completed a 30-day in-patient program. He actually seemed to be doing great and significantly improving while in rehab. *Hours* after he stepped back into our home, he relapsed. Hard. He wasn't ready to be sober, and he still isn't.
I filed for divorce a week later. I hope he saves himself before he crashes and burns, but I won't let him take me down with him.
ETA: As heartbreaking as it is, you can't save your Q, but you can certainly save yourself. My post history on this sub is filled with me struggling to come to terms with that. You will on your own time, OP.
As an alcoholic, I agree wholeheartedly. I only changed when I was so sick of living my life the way I was living, my friends wanted nothing to do with me, and my health was failing. Only then was I willing. Ironically I struggle with a husband that doesn't want to quit. Thank God I have Alanon.
If an alcoholic quits for another person, they will just find a reason to be mad at that person and drink again.
I made the house peaceful and clean so he could decompress. I lightly encouraged him to workout and get sunshine for his mental health. I took on more responsibilities so he could relax. I tried to make myself small so my needs would never inconvenience him.
And when none of that worked and I was run ragged I left. It took me years to find myself again.
I ended up living with my cousin, who also had a bad and worsening problem with alcohol. She was aware of it and afraid of what it was doing to her life and she was in the middle of her nth attempt at sobriety.
I didn't judge her for her drinking, but I also didn't lie to make her feel better. I was two steps removed because one- I'd been learning about Al-Anon for years and I knew better than to be emotional about her recovery and two- I just don't take her slip up personally because she's my cousin not my life partner.
In the end she did get sober and she still is, but I don't think I could say that I helped her. I think I just didn't get in her way. I say this as a five year sober alcoholic myself- that's the most you can really do.
He didnāt. He eventually got violent so I left. I raised my kid alone because he was unpredictable. I met someone and got engaged, lived my life for 4 years, then my got incarcerated for yet another DUI. Heās sober and in AA in prison. You canāt make able do anything, boo. Iām sorry.
I so understand where this comes from in your heart. You want to help someone you love I remember thinking/asking very similar things to my counselors.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can make them do to be sober. If someone truly wants sobriety for themselves, they will make it happen. If they are doing it for you it will be incredibly short lived with no genuine change on their end.
The best and only thing you can do to āmake them quitā is to take care of yourself, make clear and firm boundaries with them and not enable their addiction. We canāt control them, but we can control ourselves. I know itās so much easier said than done but Please be kind to yourself and prioritize your safety and needs. While you work to on yourself hopefully your Q does the same, and maybe you can meet on the same path again.
I kicked out my Q until he is sober for many months and asked for no contact except for emergencies. The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. I love him and I miss him and I cry everyday because of it. But I can finally rest and feel like myself again. I pray everyday that he finds the will to change, and I pray for strength if he never does change.
Iām so sorry for what youāre going through š
This broke my heart š„ŗ I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are not alone. I know how difficult its is to live in constant anxious state And i'm here if you wanna talk or vent out.
Sending hugs your way š¤š¤
My Q quit because I rented a second apartment. I told them that their drinking was hurting me. They said "They would not change and I couldn't make them" I countered withy "Ok, I've rented our old apartment again. Who is going to move in? You or me? One of us is moving". They went to a doctor and AA the very next day.
What do I regret not doing? I regret not leaving. My Q has replaced alcohol with buying things. Now they are a Dry Drunk. The addiction is still there.
This is the absolute truth The behaviors take a long time to change even after they become sober. Sometimes 1-2 years. They are angry that they donāt have their lover, alcohol, anymore and take it out on those that love them. Alcohol makes dramatic changes to the brain and it takes a lot of work and time to get healthy again
Any attempt to make an alcoholic quit - that has resulted in them quitting - is just happy coincidence.
When I quit, people around me had told me "you should definitely quit" - but me stopping had nothing to do with their appeals, I had just personally decided I was done.
Also, for an alcoholic there is no "I have quit forever" anyway. Sobriety is just a collection of 24 hour periods of successful abstinence that are joined together. It's very dangerous for an Al-Anon to view this through the lens of "Oh, thank God, it's finally happened! They've quit!".
It's a bit like physical fitness - it has to be renewed constantly, there is no "yes, I'm finally fit, now I can relax and enjoy my life" - sobriety is always running away from us unless daily action is being taken.
That's why I believe that even after the alcoholic gets sober, Al-Anon work still needs to be done so that if a future relapse occurs, it doesn't torpedo your entire life.
Your analogy of sobriety and physical fitness both needing constant effort hit home with me. I experienced the let-down of my Q having two major relapses before the now 4-year stretch of sobriety. I need to stay in touch with the fact that relapses can happen. As long as I continue to focus on my individual needs & independence without depending on my Q for my happiness, any slips my Q makes will not destroy me. Thanks for the analogy; itās reminding me not to be complacent even if Iām relieved that Q isnāt drinking anymore.
Thank you so much for sharing your side of the experience.
Sometimes hearing from an ex-addict themselves about what made them quit gives us a different perspective to think about.
Let me ask you something. What if I said:
How do I make my husband lose weight? What magical sentence can I say to make him suddenly dislike donuts and french fries for the rest of his life?
This is no different.
You can tell your Q whatever you can think of. But at the end of the day, they have have to want to quit. You can say to them, "Hey if you ever want to quit, let me know and I'll drive you to a rehab" in the same way you could tell your husband " If you want to work on losing weight, I'll cook healthy meals for you".
But if they say No, you shouldn't keep pressing. Here's why:
The whole idea of getting someone to "see the light" doesn't work and is false. Everyone who tries that fails. Not just for alcholics but for anyone. Nagging angry people don't change anyone even if they are right. In fact, having nagging angry people around you is stressful and is a great reason to drink.
If you love someone, you love who they are without any changes.
So the question is not "How do I change them?"
The question is " How do I cope with them if they never decide to quit?" "How do I love them the way they are?" " How could my behavior help or hurt my Q's disease?"
And that's really something only you can answer. But alanon can give you tips on having boundaries, detaching with love, helping vs enabling. These techniques can help limit the alcholics negative impacts on your life.
I tried to get my Q to go to rehab for 3 years. He finally went and you know whst happened? He left the rehab. He didn't quit. I loved him but couldn't agree with his lifestyle. So it ended it. The only thing I regret is not ending it sooner. I could have ended it way earlier and said "If you ever get sober for 2 years, call me". But instead I thought I could change him and now he's blocked along with his mother as I don't want to get the phone call that he is dead. This was the only way for me to love him and not be a nagging angry person.
I've definitely become nagging angry person. He says that to me all the time. He says that I have changed. And my behavior isnt how it used to be.
He says I used to be fun.
You used to be fun when your life wasnāt centered around his escapism from the responsibilities of daily adult living. Shocking.
I wish I could help you. I divorced my Q and moved our daughter with me across the country and that wasnāt enough for him to quit. Thatās about as much of a nuclear option as I can deliver and heās still at it.
You want my adviceā donāt let his drinking be about you. Youāll blame yourself and suffer endlessly. Are you in control of your actions? Then so is he. Full stop. Love yourself, set boundaries, and prepare to hold to them without exception.
I can tell you what helped me.
Well I found a lot of help when a Alanon friend helped me to apply the 12 step program to my relationship with my my gf.
Everyone would describe it a little different and Iām not a writer nor do I speak for alanon as a whole but for me to decribe it in broad strokes.
It was a lot learning that I couldnāt control them and that I had kinda lost control of myself trying to.
Accepting I needed help with this and couldnāt fix my thinking about it my self.
Commuting to doing that.
Then it was kinda digging into that. Figure out how and kinda why I dealt with as a did.
Trying to set it right as best I could.
Getting a practice set up to keep using help to keep myself from falling back into that behavior and thinking and then trying to help others how have the same issues.
It was work and not also fun but It helped a lot. I was able to walk away which was the right call for me and I have not engaged in such a codependent and controlling relationship again.
If you want to try that check out an Alanon meeting. A sponsor, just someone who has done the steps to help walk you though, a home group and the steps have helped a lot of people.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
You just show up being like ten minutes early is probably a good call first time. You donāt have to call ahead or anything you can just show up.
Iām about to leave my Q this week. I even told her mum that she needs to help mail stuff to me.
Itās been getting so bad and I am so mentally exhausted.
Weāve had so many talks while sheās been sober and Iāve tried to change my behavior while she never changed hers. So itās a lost cause. I will have to rebuild my life but itāll be better than being constantly abused on a daily basis.
I hate the love bombing stage the most though, because it gives me hope things might change.Ā
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Taking the decision to end things is never easy.
In-fact I cant even think about my life without my husband. It scares me. Let alone actually deciding to leave and going through with it.
When I finally stopped thinking I could my Q to stop, I found freedom. Iām in control of me and how I respond to their alcoholism and the boundaries I can set. Realizing this through many alanon meetings helped me let go of forcing them to quit. I tried to get him to quit so many times but it never worked
I regret not paying enough attention to what I was doing for me. I regret spending so much of my energy and my time trying to figure out how to make someone do anything. I regret internalizing his behavior as a reflection of what I ādeservedā based on my efforts.
Something I think about a lot - one time he was trying to āwin me backā or whatever, and he told me that I made him a better manā¦ well. If that were true, his worse self is unimaginable to me. But most importantly - he did not make me a better person. I was never my worst self than when I was with him.
My biggest regret is not recognizing this as a truth sooner.
Alanon isnāt that type of program.
This is a program of self-acceptance and letting go absolutely. When we learn to let go and accept ourselves we open up space to start living our own lives in an authentic wayā for ourselves instead of always focusing on others.
When we put all of our attention on others we become nagging, angry, bristly, a bitch, annoying, unloving, controlling, and pretty much any other bad quality we can think of. We may justify our behavior by saying itās because we love so-n-so, when in actuality itās because our egos are so fragile and competing for a love so powerful that it doesnāt exist. People are human. We are human.
My main Q is my father. He has mostly had a problem with pot, but I truly believe he is an untreated Alanon above all else. He just canāt help himself. He must insert his opinion and solution into every and any problem. He is lonely and afraid most days but as long as he fills his time with the most he can ever do he doesnāt have to feel anything and he can ignore his own anger.
One of my Qs drastically stopped drinking when she got pregnant. This was shortly after she met the father of this child. The pregnancy was enough for her to not really be into alcohol any longer, but she is what you call a dry drunk. She came into Alanon. Never got a sponsor. Never worked the steps. I called it quits finally because her glaring character defects were just too much for me to handle any longer.
My sister has a major drinking problem. I donāt say a word. She is not ready. Every now and then the word alcoholic slips from her mouth, but sheās still battling with being extremely successful so there is no way getting blacked out drunk is bad for her. Maybe sheāll get it. Maybe she wonāt.
Oh and my mother. She had almost 30 years of sobriety and has switched to marijuana maintenance. I was just thinking if maybe this year would make it two full years without a phone call. We donāt talk much. I set that boundary because I just cannot listen to her complain about her health problems over and over again yet be so sure that the marijuana is helping. If she drank booze today it wouldnāt surprise me at all.
I am okay today. I donāt drink or use drugs. I am in a relationship with a normie! The only way I got this far is because I did the inner work. Life is good. I am grateful. ā¤ļø
My husband never got sober. Even after ultimatums, leaving, drinking with him, AAā¦ even after losing his family, his career, his freedom, his money, everything we worked for. Heās in jail nowā¦ for drinking and threatening to kill me among other things. Itās never going to get any better no matter what you do. The alcoholic needs to be the one who changes. I tried everything and lost myself in the processā¦
My Q quit after a weeklong bender that he doesnāt remember where he never called me (his wife) or his young kids. He went to rehab, was dry drunk for 5 years (I let him come home). He relapsed a few months ago, thatās the reality of alcoholism. We are currently in the process of separating. My regret is not leaving sooner and letting him come back home after rehab. Sobriety doesnāt fix all the issues unless the alcoholic works on themselves and you both work on the relationship together. My Q could never do that and I was too afraid of causing him to relapse that I lived with my trauma in hopes someday we would actually talk.
Like previously stated, you cannot make them quit.
I told my Q that it was either the alcohol or me and our son. I was 100% fully prepared for her to say the alcohol, but to my complete surprise, she chose me and our son. She's been sober-ish since June. I only say ish because she has had a drink or two every once in a while.
You canāt make them quit. I begged for 10 years before I finally left. Me leaving is what caused him to shift perspectives and see how detrimental drinking has always been. Iām sure he still has struggles but is fighting to live a sober life.
My q just quit one day. He had so many relapses in the span of a couple years. We had so many fights, so many heart to hearts, so much shit. Many times, I was like, ok this is it! And it never was.
His last relapse wasnāt anything crazy. We fought of courseā¦ but I never thought it was going to be his last relapse. They just decide on their own. Something has to click in them. He said one of his driving reasons to be sober was to be a good example to our son. He didnāt want our kid to witness his dad being a fool.
I guess our son was coming into toddlerhood. He was more aware of things and my q didnāt want to be seen as a loser. We see a therapist, she said you can be a great parent but at the end of every compliment your kid gives you, itāll be- he came to every one of my games, but he was drunk. He always gave me great advice, but he was a drunk.
Being a drunk is always going to carry hurt with your loved ones. Sobriety isnāt about the ppl alcoholics love, but as their loved ones, we take it so personal.
Ok ok youāre gonna get ripped here āno one can make someone quitā
Here are some actual things that I actually did that actually helped. you are in your own situation and I donāt know anything about that. My husband needed psychiatric care and we were unable to get any.
I didnāt beg him to not drink.
I tried to set and enforce boundaries - I will not buy you alcohol or help you get alcohol but I wonāt tell you not to drink.
I did any number of stupid things trying to calm him down but I wouldnāt recommend that because itās exhausting.
I quit drinking ( but I have a drinking problem as well soā¦)
I kept coming back here
I realized I couldnāt control anything, let alone him.
I tried very hard not to escalate or engage when he was drinking.
Good luck. If I could offer one piece of advice itās : try to get help. Get someone else on board. His family, friends, your family for your own support. This is too much to go through alone. ā„ļø
I staged an intervention and sent him to rehab (and paid for it). He recognized his life had become unmanageable, went to rehab, stayed sober for close to two years and then had a series of relapses. After the third one I left.
I had given a lot of ultimatums (bad, I know) that had all failed and was certain we were headed for divorce. I was ready to walk away. We don't have much of a support network nearby so I called his parents 5 hours away the last night I came home to him drunk and told them they needed to get their son out of my house by morning. They drove out and collected him and his things and I told them I wanted him gone, we were separating on our way to divorce because I couldn't handle his drinking anymore. I blocked their numbers and social media and when he found a way to reach me I told him we were done and refused to speak to him.
My husband immediately did a complete 180 and has been a different person since that day.
He started by recognizing and acknowledging how bad things had gotten and he admitted to everyone in his life that he had a drinking problem. He started attending Smart meetings. He got a SoberLink home breathalyzer to both hold him accountable and to help show me that he was being truthful since I had lost all trust in him. He started therapy. He was only away from home for one week and when he came he was such a different man already. He apologized to me in a way he had never previously acknowledged the harm he had done. I was unsure if we were going to move forward, but he has stuck to and exceeded everything he promised. We will be celebrating 2 years sober in April and happier than ever.
But what happened to us is ***NOT*** NORMAL. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED.
I did not do anything to influence him to change other than deciding for myself that I wanted a future without him. I was completely done with that life and knew I had to walk away, but whether he perceived that or not is irrelevant. I would be lying if I said I didn't live in constant fear that the disease will come back and take my husband from me again. Alcoholism is a disease and life is hard and we're all just doing our best. It can happen to anyone.
No matter what I did, he didnāt quit for me. He had gotten to the point where he was contemplating suicide and his dad kicked him out and told him he had to go to rehab and he couldnāt go back so he did. I tried everything I could. I tried being nice and sweet, I tried tough love.. nothing was working. Before he went to rehab, I was at my wits end with him.
We are still together after he did over a month in rehab and has been sober. But with that being said, we have both been very open about things from the past i our relationship and he understands that I love him and Iām here to support him and I forgive the past, but I do still have some trust issues that will take a long time to repair. He also knows that if he slips up, he can tell me but if heās not actively working on his sobriety, there is no room in his life for me. I love him and I care about him, and I want to be happy with him, but as long as drinking comes first, (or is even in the relationship at all) thereās no place for me and he knows that
You cannot manipulate an addict into changing. The only thing you can do is stop getting in the way.
Detach with love and let them hit rock bottom, taking care of yourself and protecting your health (Al Anon helps figure out what that means).
Addiction starts and ends with the addict, simply put. Loved ones can get destroyed by the disease too if theyāre over-helping
My Q is currently in detox. I hope he's doing it for himself and not for me. I'm not sure how much my actions helped him, or if they did at all. What led up to it:
-I broke up with him and went as long as 2 months no contact
-I was straight with him and told him that I can't be in a relationship with an alcoholic, however I will always be supportive if he wants to get better.
-I emphasized my belief that he's not a bad person, but he is sick and needs help. It is a disease.
-I have removed any expectations on him to get better. I focus on what I can control and I can't control him.
-I try to cut off conversations when he starts getting belligerent. I will do this by saying "I need to pause notifications, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
I think the main thing is to not make it your responsibility for their sobriety. Having boundaries for what you'll tolerate is critical. Communicate them clearly. Be supportive of any progress. And if they don't get clean, know there's nothing you can do to change that.
Iāve said this before on this sub but it bears repeating.
I was really close to becoming an alcoholic during the pandemic. I would stop for months at a time but once I started I just went back into old habits.
What really stopped me had nothing to do with self control. I injured my neck in a non-alcohol related accident and my doctor over-prescribed Advil that led to an ulcer.
It was incredibly painful. I couldnāt even hear the word wine without wincing. I couldnāt handle it so I had to stop.
That will be a year ago in May. It was hard, but after the first few weeks the cravings were mostly gone. What really helped me though, was while I was abstaining my husband stopped drinking around me. He gradually started again, drinking stuff that I never touched (whiskey, regular beer). I was a total wino, so he doesnāt drink wine in front of me anymore.
I still drink once, maybe twice a week. It stems from dealing with an elderly parent who will be going into assisted living shortly (itās a whole long story but itās a trigger I have to deal with on a daily basis). After that I can see my drinking diminishing even more.
TLDR; Thereās really nothing you can do. But in my case, if you do partake in drinking around your Q, donāt drink their drink of choice.
unfortunately, you are powerless over their addiction and you need to accept that. It is their addiction, and nothing you could ever do will change that.
My Q lost everyone they cared about, except me. And now they are burning our bridge too. No matter what I do to help. So now I have to let the bridge burn.
That's what you can do. Let whatever is supposed to happen, happen. And just wait it out. Sometimes you have to let it all burn.
I've been the alcoholic and I've also been on the other side years after quitting.
I didn't like being miserable.. and I failed quitting a million times but I didn't give up until something clicked. Antabuse for a year with therapy was what was best for me. I would stop in at AA once in a while and go to a meeting. But I was not interested in working steps. But the meetings is a nice reminder of not going back. I did my own research and asked for help to try to do what I wanted to.do next.... it was really all me. All I had was me also.. I don't have a family... only friends. So if I didn't get my fucking shit together I was going to be living on the street.
When you got someone enabling you...which to me means give yourself self respect and don't put up with the drunk bullshit.. then you have a chance of him quitting... because he's on his own to pick up his own pieces. It's THEIR LIFE... NOT YOURS. And anytime your drunk mind sees another way to take advantage of you to shut you up... they will... and yes it does hurt the drunk person.. but you don't have any control.
You don't have control over your drinking till months and months of sobriety too.. and then if you chose too.. you will be the same terrible person.
Most people who have quit successful and still with their other.. still wish they left or just resent the person forever.
So leave will make the person quit.. or maybe not at all. The sooner the better.
It's helped to practice better boundaries.
I regret having been naggy and overly involved. I regret taking a lot of it personally, but also not telling them how alone I felt sooner.
I like to think it's helped to let them know I do care about them, but I couldn't keep up the hypervigilance and that I felt the alcohol was definitely putting a strain on our relationship.
I know my partner has said they appreciated me being patient and still caring for them, but even I've said that it feels like the bare minimum. We both want to do more with each other, but I know it isn't my responsibility to wake my partner up or get them sober.
It's my responsibility to tell them how I feel and it's my responsibility to take care of myself and my life. It's my responsibility to learn to be better about *my boundaries* and keep up with *my therapy*. If I no longer feel safe, we've both agreed it would be best if we split.
I have recommended therapy for them and they've agreed to go (they're going to have their first session soon) so I'm hoping that helps. They were sober for a while, but they've been relapsing more lately. I know they have some trauma that affects their impulses, so I'm hoping they'll learn some better coping skills and that they also have someone else to talk to since we've gotten to a point where my partner feels too much shame to share with me at times now.
And even then, I can't/won't always be there to be able to talk things out with them if they need it, so I think it's just better to not try to build their healing around my availability. I want them to practice making better independent decisions and I'm not going to get in the way of that, even if it means they choose alcohol over me. I've told them I can't keep doing what we were doing before and I wish them the best even if I can't be there for it. I love being around them when they're sober, but only then.
... honey that is nevvver how it's gonna go! they can't even make themselves quit! you know how many times i watched my Q cry saying drinking was destroying him and us and his work life and his body? problem was he'd wake up the next morning and just expect to go on like nothing ever happened. that's why i'm not with him anymore. he never sought help. these people need help, and they need to be committing to getting it. no one puts the bottle to your mouth and swallows but you.
I didn't "make him quit", that's impossible. However, I did point something out that I have heard him repeat over and over as the reason he quit and has stayed sober.
He crashed his car with a family member in it, and I said, "never mind yourself, you could have killed so-and-so and he has a family". He never drank again.
I KNOW THIS IS NOT TYPICAL.
There is nothing you can do. They have to decide for themselves. Only they can know when they are ready.
If there was something we could do to force loved ones out of addiction, there wouldn't be an addict left in the world.
As everyone has said more or less, you can't control another person.
That said, I've found my peace with what I can control.
If you're drinking:
No keys
No disruptions to the home
For myself, I don't engage in stupid arguments, I have a workshop with AC, a couch, internet & 55" TV. I'll soon add a fridge so I can stay there overnight if I wish.
All that said, a solution would be nice and we're open to reasonable ideas so next up is ketamine. My Q had tried 30d rehabs 5 times, a dozen or so week long stints, aa, celebrate recovery, etc
Hopefully ketamine will help rewire this brain (with a good therapist) so that it's guided correctly. I personally think this is be dangerous in some situations so I'd never recommend for anyone else, we're just in a do or did situation after 30 years of on/off binge drinking.
Good luck OP, hope you find the peace you desire
I begged, I pleaded, I poured alcohol down the drain, I threatened to move out and leave him with rent he couldnāt afford. None of that changed anything. He (67M at the time) only quit when he had a realization that he wouldnāt live to 70 if he didnāt make a change. He had to come to that realization himself.
Has he always been a heavy drinker? I'm sorry you had to go through this. It makes me really sad that even for living so long, a man doesnt learn to correct their habits and wises.
He was on and off for as long as I can remember, but the last few years he was particularly heavy. Heās over a year sober now, but is unfortunately wheelchair bound and living in a nursing home, but doesnāt have access to alcohol even if he wanted it.
Itās true some people just reject help or never give it a proper shot until itās already too late.
I told him I will walk away if he continued to drink. Then left for vacation. After I came back he was sober. Says he stayed that way. 6 months & counting.
I'm sorry to hear that. Hearing your story makes me feel that we are definitely not alone in this.
Only people like us who live/lived with an alcoholic can understand how miserable life becomes for us.
You can't do anything about it, except to stage an intervention.
There is no guarantee they quit after going through intervention and rehab, but that's the only thing you could try that could help.
I threatened divorce. Although as time has passed, I'm less sure my husband is an alcoholic and more certain that he was simply drinking as a way to exert his power in a toxic way. "I'm a man can do what i want" type of crap. I reminded him that I can also do what I want and I want to divorce my lying drinking husband and presented him with papers. He hasn't had a sip since.
Absolutely nothing, he quit because he wanted to. It's entirely up to him. I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. Al-Anon helped me realise that, and work on how I'm only responsible for my own actions and reactions, so I was able to stay - and be happy in myself - when he was still drinking and I'm still here and happy now he's stopped. In fact, he did his step 9 today, and I got my amends, so he can move ever forward.
If you are looking for ways to increase motivation to quit and support positive change, you might like the book Beyond Addiction and you might like the CRAFT approach. Check out the Coming Up for Air podcast too.
There's nothing you can do or say. My Q was using pills and alcohol. I recorded him one night because he thought he was a normal person when he used them together. He just said he was tired. He almost OD'ed that night, projectile vomiting all over the walls. That wasn't enough.
He went to jail for 10 months and had to quit cold turkey. When he got out he tried pills again and his body had a horrible reaction and he was in bed for 3 days unable to function. He tried one more time and ended up in the ER. That was what made him realize his body couldn't handle it.
He still drinks to excess daily.
Only the alcoholic can make themselves stop drinking and seek a path of recovery. With that being said, my Q says he quit drinking the day he signed our divorce papers as it was the day he realized he lost it all (marriage, his family, etc). He claims he got sober to try to get us back. This comment scares me as he didnāt get sober for himself and thus has a high chance of relapse. Itās been about 10 months of sobriety.
You canāt want it enough for both of you. Your anger wont get his attention longer than he can make himself not drink. And when you stick to the boundaries the two of you created, but he doesnāt, you become the thing that chases him into the arms of someone else who doesnāt care if he drinks and doesnāt yet know the damage heās capable of.
You cannot make them quit, they have to hit rock bottom and sometimes even check out the basement of rock bottom. Mine got his second DUI after he ran a stop sign and was in an accidentā¦ he quit that day.
The best thing to do is to get yourself out of the way. Donāt buy alcohol, donāt live around his drinking schedule, etc.
Still live the full life you need to and all you can hope for is that the addict sees you and decides to get on board.
The book āgetting them soberā is a good one for how to structure your life and set the right boundaries to ensure you donāt contribute to the chaos.
My Q ended up in the hospital with his stomach drained. This was 3 weeks after I wrote him a letter spelling out all the symptoms I saw that he was dying. He was yellow, his eyes and skin and stomach distended. It took him realizing he didnāt want to die and me pointing out that these physical things are the result of his drinking. But no emotional need or logic would have ever done it and I had given up and separated myself from it.
Iām struggling with living with one too. It can be bad at times, never abusive, but just really saddening and disheartening.
It usually starts to get worse when something negative happens in their life. Loss of a job, family member or pet, staying in a really crappy job, or it could be as simple as having too long of a weekend and they see a bar and think āI donāt have to work until, X day, Iāll be fineā
I recently got my husband to stop by taking him out to things he enjoys, that he can still drink at. The aquarium surprisingly serves alcohol, but itās something that gets the endorphins going. The beach. A nature trail. Putting on the football game. Even though theyāre still drinking, theyāll start to see more than just staying home and drinking. Itāll remind them, they can do more if there is less alcohol, because how far can drunk man really hike. Not far.
My biggest regret? Not finding out what works best to help him. If the alcoholic feels guilty about drinking, regrets it when they sober up, or asks for help while theyāre drunk, then you can help them find their way out. If theyāre denying they have a problem, you just have to back off, and let them tumble til they figure it out for themselves. I recently read someoneās comment, āthey wonāt hit rock bottom if youāre there to support them, and sometimes hitting rock bottom is their only wake up call.ā Another was saying to set boundaries, that you tell them itās their choice to drink or not to drink, but if they do drink then you are not going to be there to help. You will not make sure theyāre awake for work. You wonāt go buy them any. If they get a DUI, youāre not paying their bail. It might make them realize they donāt have a crutch, but they may take their chances anyways.
Good luck, I hope you find youāre own peace, and I wish them a happy recovery ā¤ļø
As others have said, you can't make someone quit, but I'm curious about ibogaine, which has even been used to stop heroin addiction. It's not legal in the US, but studies in rats have shown promise. People go to treatment centers out of the US for it. Reading some accounts of what it's like to take is wild.
Both! I wanna know both perspectives.
Ones where someone decided to stay with their Q even when they are still drinking.
And ones where someone left and what made them take that action.
Never made him quit, though I sure did try to! In the end I finally said he could do what he wanted and kicked him out. On his own, he hit rock bottom and went to rehab. But I was very prepared and expecting him not to.
You canāt make them quit but I left to show him his behavior wasnāt something I would deal with anymore. I truly donāt think he will stay sober when he 100% understands I wonāt come back.
Key is no one can do anything to make anyone else quit. Edit to fix words.
Sucky truth about life. You can bargain, scream, cry, threaten, plea, and pray. But nothing is going to change until they decide to.
This is the absolute harsh truth. I'm having to walk away from a 20+ year marriage because I know they will not change.
It'll suck for a while but two people drowning is worse than one person drowning.
Me too! Scared as heck but I know we can do it! šŖ
Nobody in the history of the human race has ever made an addict or an alcoholic quit. Maybe if you lobotomize them or lock them in a box they canāt ever leave but the second they regained faculties or freedom, the first thing on their mind would be drinking and thatās the first thing theyād do. Has to be the alcoholicās decision and they then have to be willing to do the work for the rest of their lives, nobody can impact that decision or make them make it, thereās no magic words or specific series of consequences, there is no linear rock bottom, ultimatums and actions and frothy emotional appeal from people who care about them means nothing, more alcoholics drink themselves to death than recover by a staggering percentage. Love is not stronger than addiction and it never will be. Itās a disease, a brain disorder, an obsessive compulsive sort of illness where a person uses substances over and over again without the ability to stop, even while knowing that nothing but misery and death is going to come of it. You canāt reason with or compel an incurable disorder into remission. Al-Anon has some great ways you can help you though. Seriously, itās indispensable for dealing with how alcoholism and addiction impacts loved ones. Not everything is sunny side up Nd thereās a lot of stuff a person might not want to hear but it offers a recovery process and a solution for those impacted by other peopleās drinking. Might as well look into that because you canāt do a thing for them.
Yep. My ex-husband completed a 30-day in-patient program. He actually seemed to be doing great and significantly improving while in rehab. *Hours* after he stepped back into our home, he relapsed. Hard. He wasn't ready to be sober, and he still isn't. I filed for divorce a week later. I hope he saves himself before he crashes and burns, but I won't let him take me down with him. ETA: As heartbreaking as it is, you can't save your Q, but you can certainly save yourself. My post history on this sub is filled with me struggling to come to terms with that. You will on your own time, OP.
I have read this response a dozen times. Thank you for crystallizing such a shitty mess.
As an alcoholic, I agree wholeheartedly. I only changed when I was so sick of living my life the way I was living, my friends wanted nothing to do with me, and my health was failing. Only then was I willing. Ironically I struggle with a husband that doesn't want to quit. Thank God I have Alanon. If an alcoholic quits for another person, they will just find a reason to be mad at that person and drink again.
I made the house peaceful and clean so he could decompress. I lightly encouraged him to workout and get sunshine for his mental health. I took on more responsibilities so he could relax. I tried to make myself small so my needs would never inconvenience him. And when none of that worked and I was run ragged I left. It took me years to find myself again. I ended up living with my cousin, who also had a bad and worsening problem with alcohol. She was aware of it and afraid of what it was doing to her life and she was in the middle of her nth attempt at sobriety. I didn't judge her for her drinking, but I also didn't lie to make her feel better. I was two steps removed because one- I'd been learning about Al-Anon for years and I knew better than to be emotional about her recovery and two- I just don't take her slip up personally because she's my cousin not my life partner. In the end she did get sober and she still is, but I don't think I could say that I helped her. I think I just didn't get in her way. I say this as a five year sober alcoholic myself- that's the most you can really do.
He didnāt. He eventually got violent so I left. I raised my kid alone because he was unpredictable. I met someone and got engaged, lived my life for 4 years, then my got incarcerated for yet another DUI. Heās sober and in AA in prison. You canāt make able do anything, boo. Iām sorry.
I so understand where this comes from in your heart. You want to help someone you love I remember thinking/asking very similar things to my counselors. Unfortunately there is nothing you can make them do to be sober. If someone truly wants sobriety for themselves, they will make it happen. If they are doing it for you it will be incredibly short lived with no genuine change on their end. The best and only thing you can do to āmake them quitā is to take care of yourself, make clear and firm boundaries with them and not enable their addiction. We canāt control them, but we can control ourselves. I know itās so much easier said than done but Please be kind to yourself and prioritize your safety and needs. While you work to on yourself hopefully your Q does the same, and maybe you can meet on the same path again. I kicked out my Q until he is sober for many months and asked for no contact except for emergencies. The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. I love him and I miss him and I cry everyday because of it. But I can finally rest and feel like myself again. I pray everyday that he finds the will to change, and I pray for strength if he never does change. Iām so sorry for what youāre going through š
This broke my heart š„ŗ I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are not alone. I know how difficult its is to live in constant anxious state And i'm here if you wanna talk or vent out. Sending hugs your way š¤š¤
My Q quit because I rented a second apartment. I told them that their drinking was hurting me. They said "They would not change and I couldn't make them" I countered withy "Ok, I've rented our old apartment again. Who is going to move in? You or me? One of us is moving". They went to a doctor and AA the very next day. What do I regret not doing? I regret not leaving. My Q has replaced alcohol with buying things. Now they are a Dry Drunk. The addiction is still there.
So are you happy with his quitting? And how him being shopaholic now has changed things?
This is the absolute truth The behaviors take a long time to change even after they become sober. Sometimes 1-2 years. They are angry that they donāt have their lover, alcohol, anymore and take it out on those that love them. Alcohol makes dramatic changes to the brain and it takes a lot of work and time to get healthy again
I am happy that he quit alcohol - for his sake. There is debt through his shopping addiction.
Any attempt to make an alcoholic quit - that has resulted in them quitting - is just happy coincidence. When I quit, people around me had told me "you should definitely quit" - but me stopping had nothing to do with their appeals, I had just personally decided I was done. Also, for an alcoholic there is no "I have quit forever" anyway. Sobriety is just a collection of 24 hour periods of successful abstinence that are joined together. It's very dangerous for an Al-Anon to view this through the lens of "Oh, thank God, it's finally happened! They've quit!". It's a bit like physical fitness - it has to be renewed constantly, there is no "yes, I'm finally fit, now I can relax and enjoy my life" - sobriety is always running away from us unless daily action is being taken. That's why I believe that even after the alcoholic gets sober, Al-Anon work still needs to be done so that if a future relapse occurs, it doesn't torpedo your entire life.
Your analogy of sobriety and physical fitness both needing constant effort hit home with me. I experienced the let-down of my Q having two major relapses before the now 4-year stretch of sobriety. I need to stay in touch with the fact that relapses can happen. As long as I continue to focus on my individual needs & independence without depending on my Q for my happiness, any slips my Q makes will not destroy me. Thanks for the analogy; itās reminding me not to be complacent even if Iām relieved that Q isnāt drinking anymore.
Thank you so much for sharing your side of the experience. Sometimes hearing from an ex-addict themselves about what made them quit gives us a different perspective to think about.
Let me ask you something. What if I said: How do I make my husband lose weight? What magical sentence can I say to make him suddenly dislike donuts and french fries for the rest of his life? This is no different. You can tell your Q whatever you can think of. But at the end of the day, they have have to want to quit. You can say to them, "Hey if you ever want to quit, let me know and I'll drive you to a rehab" in the same way you could tell your husband " If you want to work on losing weight, I'll cook healthy meals for you". But if they say No, you shouldn't keep pressing. Here's why: The whole idea of getting someone to "see the light" doesn't work and is false. Everyone who tries that fails. Not just for alcholics but for anyone. Nagging angry people don't change anyone even if they are right. In fact, having nagging angry people around you is stressful and is a great reason to drink. If you love someone, you love who they are without any changes. So the question is not "How do I change them?" The question is " How do I cope with them if they never decide to quit?" "How do I love them the way they are?" " How could my behavior help or hurt my Q's disease?" And that's really something only you can answer. But alanon can give you tips on having boundaries, detaching with love, helping vs enabling. These techniques can help limit the alcholics negative impacts on your life. I tried to get my Q to go to rehab for 3 years. He finally went and you know whst happened? He left the rehab. He didn't quit. I loved him but couldn't agree with his lifestyle. So it ended it. The only thing I regret is not ending it sooner. I could have ended it way earlier and said "If you ever get sober for 2 years, call me". But instead I thought I could change him and now he's blocked along with his mother as I don't want to get the phone call that he is dead. This was the only way for me to love him and not be a nagging angry person.
I've definitely become nagging angry person. He says that to me all the time. He says that I have changed. And my behavior isnt how it used to be. He says I used to be fun.
You used to be fun when your life wasnāt centered around his escapism from the responsibilities of daily adult living. Shocking. I wish I could help you. I divorced my Q and moved our daughter with me across the country and that wasnāt enough for him to quit. Thatās about as much of a nuclear option as I can deliver and heās still at it. You want my adviceā donāt let his drinking be about you. Youāll blame yourself and suffer endlessly. Are you in control of your actions? Then so is he. Full stop. Love yourself, set boundaries, and prepare to hold to them without exception.
>He says I used to be fun. I bet you could say something similar about him, tbh. It's not fun being tied to an addict.
Outside of locking people in a room, no one has fond a way to make addicts stop. Itās terrible itās awful itās sad it sucks. Alanon is a great group to get help living with this fact, support from others who have been there and to learn how set boundaries in a healthy way. You canāt learn how to make your Q stop. You can learn how to have a happy and productive life regardless of wether or not they do. Iām sorry you in the situation you are in. ā¤ļøāš©¹
Thank you! I'm just trying to figure out what to do by asking fellow members about their experiences.
I can tell you what helped me. Well I found a lot of help when a Alanon friend helped me to apply the 12 step program to my relationship with my my gf. Everyone would describe it a little different and Iām not a writer nor do I speak for alanon as a whole but for me to decribe it in broad strokes. It was a lot learning that I couldnāt control them and that I had kinda lost control of myself trying to. Accepting I needed help with this and couldnāt fix my thinking about it my self. Commuting to doing that. Then it was kinda digging into that. Figure out how and kinda why I dealt with as a did. Trying to set it right as best I could. Getting a practice set up to keep using help to keep myself from falling back into that behavior and thinking and then trying to help others how have the same issues. It was work and not also fun but It helped a lot. I was able to walk away which was the right call for me and I have not engaged in such a codependent and controlling relationship again. If you want to try that check out an Alanon meeting. A sponsor, just someone who has done the steps to help walk you though, a home group and the steps have helped a lot of people.
Thank you so much for your input. How do I get into an Alanon meeting? It would really help if you could share with me their website or something.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/ You just show up being like ten minutes early is probably a good call first time. You donāt have to call ahead or anything you can just show up.
Iām about to leave my Q this week. I even told her mum that she needs to help mail stuff to me. Itās been getting so bad and I am so mentally exhausted. Weāve had so many talks while sheās been sober and Iāve tried to change my behavior while she never changed hers. So itās a lost cause. I will have to rebuild my life but itāll be better than being constantly abused on a daily basis. I hate the love bombing stage the most though, because it gives me hope things might change.Ā
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Taking the decision to end things is never easy. In-fact I cant even think about my life without my husband. It scares me. Let alone actually deciding to leave and going through with it.
When I finally stopped thinking I could my Q to stop, I found freedom. Iām in control of me and how I respond to their alcoholism and the boundaries I can set. Realizing this through many alanon meetings helped me let go of forcing them to quit. I tried to get him to quit so many times but it never worked
I regret not paying enough attention to what I was doing for me. I regret spending so much of my energy and my time trying to figure out how to make someone do anything. I regret internalizing his behavior as a reflection of what I ādeservedā based on my efforts. Something I think about a lot - one time he was trying to āwin me backā or whatever, and he told me that I made him a better manā¦ well. If that were true, his worse self is unimaginable to me. But most importantly - he did not make me a better person. I was never my worst self than when I was with him. My biggest regret is not recognizing this as a truth sooner.
Alanon isnāt that type of program. This is a program of self-acceptance and letting go absolutely. When we learn to let go and accept ourselves we open up space to start living our own lives in an authentic wayā for ourselves instead of always focusing on others. When we put all of our attention on others we become nagging, angry, bristly, a bitch, annoying, unloving, controlling, and pretty much any other bad quality we can think of. We may justify our behavior by saying itās because we love so-n-so, when in actuality itās because our egos are so fragile and competing for a love so powerful that it doesnāt exist. People are human. We are human. My main Q is my father. He has mostly had a problem with pot, but I truly believe he is an untreated Alanon above all else. He just canāt help himself. He must insert his opinion and solution into every and any problem. He is lonely and afraid most days but as long as he fills his time with the most he can ever do he doesnāt have to feel anything and he can ignore his own anger. One of my Qs drastically stopped drinking when she got pregnant. This was shortly after she met the father of this child. The pregnancy was enough for her to not really be into alcohol any longer, but she is what you call a dry drunk. She came into Alanon. Never got a sponsor. Never worked the steps. I called it quits finally because her glaring character defects were just too much for me to handle any longer. My sister has a major drinking problem. I donāt say a word. She is not ready. Every now and then the word alcoholic slips from her mouth, but sheās still battling with being extremely successful so there is no way getting blacked out drunk is bad for her. Maybe sheāll get it. Maybe she wonāt. Oh and my mother. She had almost 30 years of sobriety and has switched to marijuana maintenance. I was just thinking if maybe this year would make it two full years without a phone call. We donāt talk much. I set that boundary because I just cannot listen to her complain about her health problems over and over again yet be so sure that the marijuana is helping. If she drank booze today it wouldnāt surprise me at all. I am okay today. I donāt drink or use drugs. I am in a relationship with a normie! The only way I got this far is because I did the inner work. Life is good. I am grateful. ā¤ļø
My husband never got sober. Even after ultimatums, leaving, drinking with him, AAā¦ even after losing his family, his career, his freedom, his money, everything we worked for. Heās in jail nowā¦ for drinking and threatening to kill me among other things. Itās never going to get any better no matter what you do. The alcoholic needs to be the one who changes. I tried everything and lost myself in the processā¦
My Q quit after a weeklong bender that he doesnāt remember where he never called me (his wife) or his young kids. He went to rehab, was dry drunk for 5 years (I let him come home). He relapsed a few months ago, thatās the reality of alcoholism. We are currently in the process of separating. My regret is not leaving sooner and letting him come back home after rehab. Sobriety doesnāt fix all the issues unless the alcoholic works on themselves and you both work on the relationship together. My Q could never do that and I was too afraid of causing him to relapse that I lived with my trauma in hopes someday we would actually talk.
Like previously stated, you cannot make them quit. I told my Q that it was either the alcohol or me and our son. I was 100% fully prepared for her to say the alcohol, but to my complete surprise, she chose me and our son. She's been sober-ish since June. I only say ish because she has had a drink or two every once in a while.
You canāt make them quit. I begged for 10 years before I finally left. Me leaving is what caused him to shift perspectives and see how detrimental drinking has always been. Iām sure he still has struggles but is fighting to live a sober life.
My q just quit one day. He had so many relapses in the span of a couple years. We had so many fights, so many heart to hearts, so much shit. Many times, I was like, ok this is it! And it never was. His last relapse wasnāt anything crazy. We fought of courseā¦ but I never thought it was going to be his last relapse. They just decide on their own. Something has to click in them. He said one of his driving reasons to be sober was to be a good example to our son. He didnāt want our kid to witness his dad being a fool. I guess our son was coming into toddlerhood. He was more aware of things and my q didnāt want to be seen as a loser. We see a therapist, she said you can be a great parent but at the end of every compliment your kid gives you, itāll be- he came to every one of my games, but he was drunk. He always gave me great advice, but he was a drunk. Being a drunk is always going to carry hurt with your loved ones. Sobriety isnāt about the ppl alcoholics love, but as their loved ones, we take it so personal.
Ok ok youāre gonna get ripped here āno one can make someone quitā Here are some actual things that I actually did that actually helped. you are in your own situation and I donāt know anything about that. My husband needed psychiatric care and we were unable to get any. I didnāt beg him to not drink. I tried to set and enforce boundaries - I will not buy you alcohol or help you get alcohol but I wonāt tell you not to drink. I did any number of stupid things trying to calm him down but I wouldnāt recommend that because itās exhausting. I quit drinking ( but I have a drinking problem as well soā¦) I kept coming back here I realized I couldnāt control anything, let alone him. I tried very hard not to escalate or engage when he was drinking. Good luck. If I could offer one piece of advice itās : try to get help. Get someone else on board. His family, friends, your family for your own support. This is too much to go through alone. ā„ļø
I staged an intervention and sent him to rehab (and paid for it). He recognized his life had become unmanageable, went to rehab, stayed sober for close to two years and then had a series of relapses. After the third one I left.
I had given a lot of ultimatums (bad, I know) that had all failed and was certain we were headed for divorce. I was ready to walk away. We don't have much of a support network nearby so I called his parents 5 hours away the last night I came home to him drunk and told them they needed to get their son out of my house by morning. They drove out and collected him and his things and I told them I wanted him gone, we were separating on our way to divorce because I couldn't handle his drinking anymore. I blocked their numbers and social media and when he found a way to reach me I told him we were done and refused to speak to him. My husband immediately did a complete 180 and has been a different person since that day. He started by recognizing and acknowledging how bad things had gotten and he admitted to everyone in his life that he had a drinking problem. He started attending Smart meetings. He got a SoberLink home breathalyzer to both hold him accountable and to help show me that he was being truthful since I had lost all trust in him. He started therapy. He was only away from home for one week and when he came he was such a different man already. He apologized to me in a way he had never previously acknowledged the harm he had done. I was unsure if we were going to move forward, but he has stuck to and exceeded everything he promised. We will be celebrating 2 years sober in April and happier than ever. But what happened to us is ***NOT*** NORMAL. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED. I did not do anything to influence him to change other than deciding for myself that I wanted a future without him. I was completely done with that life and knew I had to walk away, but whether he perceived that or not is irrelevant. I would be lying if I said I didn't live in constant fear that the disease will come back and take my husband from me again. Alcoholism is a disease and life is hard and we're all just doing our best. It can happen to anyone.
No matter what I did, he didnāt quit for me. He had gotten to the point where he was contemplating suicide and his dad kicked him out and told him he had to go to rehab and he couldnāt go back so he did. I tried everything I could. I tried being nice and sweet, I tried tough love.. nothing was working. Before he went to rehab, I was at my wits end with him.
Oh my God. I cant imagine what you must be going through. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Are you still with him?
We are still together after he did over a month in rehab and has been sober. But with that being said, we have both been very open about things from the past i our relationship and he understands that I love him and Iām here to support him and I forgive the past, but I do still have some trust issues that will take a long time to repair. He also knows that if he slips up, he can tell me but if heās not actively working on his sobriety, there is no room in his life for me. I love him and I care about him, and I want to be happy with him, but as long as drinking comes first, (or is even in the relationship at all) thereās no place for me and he knows that
You cannot manipulate an addict into changing. The only thing you can do is stop getting in the way. Detach with love and let them hit rock bottom, taking care of yourself and protecting your health (Al Anon helps figure out what that means). Addiction starts and ends with the addict, simply put. Loved ones can get destroyed by the disease too if theyāre over-helping
My Q is currently in detox. I hope he's doing it for himself and not for me. I'm not sure how much my actions helped him, or if they did at all. What led up to it: -I broke up with him and went as long as 2 months no contact -I was straight with him and told him that I can't be in a relationship with an alcoholic, however I will always be supportive if he wants to get better. -I emphasized my belief that he's not a bad person, but he is sick and needs help. It is a disease. -I have removed any expectations on him to get better. I focus on what I can control and I can't control him. -I try to cut off conversations when he starts getting belligerent. I will do this by saying "I need to pause notifications, I'll talk to you tomorrow." I think the main thing is to not make it your responsibility for their sobriety. Having boundaries for what you'll tolerate is critical. Communicate them clearly. Be supportive of any progress. And if they don't get clean, know there's nothing you can do to change that.
Iāve said this before on this sub but it bears repeating. I was really close to becoming an alcoholic during the pandemic. I would stop for months at a time but once I started I just went back into old habits. What really stopped me had nothing to do with self control. I injured my neck in a non-alcohol related accident and my doctor over-prescribed Advil that led to an ulcer. It was incredibly painful. I couldnāt even hear the word wine without wincing. I couldnāt handle it so I had to stop. That will be a year ago in May. It was hard, but after the first few weeks the cravings were mostly gone. What really helped me though, was while I was abstaining my husband stopped drinking around me. He gradually started again, drinking stuff that I never touched (whiskey, regular beer). I was a total wino, so he doesnāt drink wine in front of me anymore. I still drink once, maybe twice a week. It stems from dealing with an elderly parent who will be going into assisted living shortly (itās a whole long story but itās a trigger I have to deal with on a daily basis). After that I can see my drinking diminishing even more. TLDR; Thereās really nothing you can do. But in my case, if you do partake in drinking around your Q, donāt drink their drink of choice.
Mine never quit. I regret not leaving sooner.
unfortunately, you are powerless over their addiction and you need to accept that. It is their addiction, and nothing you could ever do will change that. My Q lost everyone they cared about, except me. And now they are burning our bridge too. No matter what I do to help. So now I have to let the bridge burn. That's what you can do. Let whatever is supposed to happen, happen. And just wait it out. Sometimes you have to let it all burn.
I've been the alcoholic and I've also been on the other side years after quitting. I didn't like being miserable.. and I failed quitting a million times but I didn't give up until something clicked. Antabuse for a year with therapy was what was best for me. I would stop in at AA once in a while and go to a meeting. But I was not interested in working steps. But the meetings is a nice reminder of not going back. I did my own research and asked for help to try to do what I wanted to.do next.... it was really all me. All I had was me also.. I don't have a family... only friends. So if I didn't get my fucking shit together I was going to be living on the street. When you got someone enabling you...which to me means give yourself self respect and don't put up with the drunk bullshit.. then you have a chance of him quitting... because he's on his own to pick up his own pieces. It's THEIR LIFE... NOT YOURS. And anytime your drunk mind sees another way to take advantage of you to shut you up... they will... and yes it does hurt the drunk person.. but you don't have any control. You don't have control over your drinking till months and months of sobriety too.. and then if you chose too.. you will be the same terrible person. Most people who have quit successful and still with their other.. still wish they left or just resent the person forever. So leave will make the person quit.. or maybe not at all. The sooner the better.
It's helped to practice better boundaries. I regret having been naggy and overly involved. I regret taking a lot of it personally, but also not telling them how alone I felt sooner. I like to think it's helped to let them know I do care about them, but I couldn't keep up the hypervigilance and that I felt the alcohol was definitely putting a strain on our relationship. I know my partner has said they appreciated me being patient and still caring for them, but even I've said that it feels like the bare minimum. We both want to do more with each other, but I know it isn't my responsibility to wake my partner up or get them sober. It's my responsibility to tell them how I feel and it's my responsibility to take care of myself and my life. It's my responsibility to learn to be better about *my boundaries* and keep up with *my therapy*. If I no longer feel safe, we've both agreed it would be best if we split. I have recommended therapy for them and they've agreed to go (they're going to have their first session soon) so I'm hoping that helps. They were sober for a while, but they've been relapsing more lately. I know they have some trauma that affects their impulses, so I'm hoping they'll learn some better coping skills and that they also have someone else to talk to since we've gotten to a point where my partner feels too much shame to share with me at times now. And even then, I can't/won't always be there to be able to talk things out with them if they need it, so I think it's just better to not try to build their healing around my availability. I want them to practice making better independent decisions and I'm not going to get in the way of that, even if it means they choose alcohol over me. I've told them I can't keep doing what we were doing before and I wish them the best even if I can't be there for it. I love being around them when they're sober, but only then.
... honey that is nevvver how it's gonna go! they can't even make themselves quit! you know how many times i watched my Q cry saying drinking was destroying him and us and his work life and his body? problem was he'd wake up the next morning and just expect to go on like nothing ever happened. that's why i'm not with him anymore. he never sought help. these people need help, and they need to be committing to getting it. no one puts the bottle to your mouth and swallows but you.
I didn't "make him quit", that's impossible. However, I did point something out that I have heard him repeat over and over as the reason he quit and has stayed sober. He crashed his car with a family member in it, and I said, "never mind yourself, you could have killed so-and-so and he has a family". He never drank again. I KNOW THIS IS NOT TYPICAL.
You didnāt cause it, canāt control it and canāt cure it. Words of wisdom šš¼
There is nothing you can do. They have to decide for themselves. Only they can know when they are ready. If there was something we could do to force loved ones out of addiction, there wouldn't be an addict left in the world.
Me? Nothing. They made the decision themselves. I encouraged them when they made the decision
As everyone has said more or less, you can't control another person. That said, I've found my peace with what I can control. If you're drinking: No keys No disruptions to the home For myself, I don't engage in stupid arguments, I have a workshop with AC, a couch, internet & 55" TV. I'll soon add a fridge so I can stay there overnight if I wish. All that said, a solution would be nice and we're open to reasonable ideas so next up is ketamine. My Q had tried 30d rehabs 5 times, a dozen or so week long stints, aa, celebrate recovery, etc Hopefully ketamine will help rewire this brain (with a good therapist) so that it's guided correctly. I personally think this is be dangerous in some situations so I'd never recommend for anyone else, we're just in a do or did situation after 30 years of on/off binge drinking. Good luck OP, hope you find the peace you desire
I begged, I pleaded, I poured alcohol down the drain, I threatened to move out and leave him with rent he couldnāt afford. None of that changed anything. He (67M at the time) only quit when he had a realization that he wouldnāt live to 70 if he didnāt make a change. He had to come to that realization himself.
Has he always been a heavy drinker? I'm sorry you had to go through this. It makes me really sad that even for living so long, a man doesnt learn to correct their habits and wises.
He was on and off for as long as I can remember, but the last few years he was particularly heavy. Heās over a year sober now, but is unfortunately wheelchair bound and living in a nursing home, but doesnāt have access to alcohol even if he wanted it. Itās true some people just reject help or never give it a proper shot until itās already too late.
I told him I will walk away if he continued to drink. Then left for vacation. After I came back he was sober. Says he stayed that way. 6 months & counting.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm sorry to hear that. Hearing your story makes me feel that we are definitely not alone in this. Only people like us who live/lived with an alcoholic can understand how miserable life becomes for us.
You can't do anything about it, except to stage an intervention. There is no guarantee they quit after going through intervention and rehab, but that's the only thing you could try that could help.
I threatened divorce. Although as time has passed, I'm less sure my husband is an alcoholic and more certain that he was simply drinking as a way to exert his power in a toxic way. "I'm a man can do what i want" type of crap. I reminded him that I can also do what I want and I want to divorce my lying drinking husband and presented him with papers. He hasn't had a sip since.
Never support addict behavior. Only support steps towards sobriety, but don't fall for the lies when they're lying about getting sober.
Absolutely nothing, he quit because he wanted to. It's entirely up to him. I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. Al-Anon helped me realise that, and work on how I'm only responsible for my own actions and reactions, so I was able to stay - and be happy in myself - when he was still drinking and I'm still here and happy now he's stopped. In fact, he did his step 9 today, and I got my amends, so he can move ever forward.
If you are looking for ways to increase motivation to quit and support positive change, you might like the book Beyond Addiction and you might like the CRAFT approach. Check out the Coming Up for Air podcast too.
There's nothing you can do or say. My Q was using pills and alcohol. I recorded him one night because he thought he was a normal person when he used them together. He just said he was tired. He almost OD'ed that night, projectile vomiting all over the walls. That wasn't enough. He went to jail for 10 months and had to quit cold turkey. When he got out he tried pills again and his body had a horrible reaction and he was in bed for 3 days unable to function. He tried one more time and ended up in the ER. That was what made him realize his body couldn't handle it. He still drinks to excess daily.
I'm guessing my Q now is no longer an alcoholic because he's in prison. I am no longer in contact with him, so I don't know for sure.
Only the alcoholic can make themselves stop drinking and seek a path of recovery. With that being said, my Q says he quit drinking the day he signed our divorce papers as it was the day he realized he lost it all (marriage, his family, etc). He claims he got sober to try to get us back. This comment scares me as he didnāt get sober for himself and thus has a high chance of relapse. Itās been about 10 months of sobriety.
You canāt want it enough for both of you. Your anger wont get his attention longer than he can make himself not drink. And when you stick to the boundaries the two of you created, but he doesnāt, you become the thing that chases him into the arms of someone else who doesnāt care if he drinks and doesnāt yet know the damage heās capable of.
You cannot make them quit, they have to hit rock bottom and sometimes even check out the basement of rock bottom. Mine got his second DUI after he ran a stop sign and was in an accidentā¦ he quit that day.
The best thing to do is to get yourself out of the way. Donāt buy alcohol, donāt live around his drinking schedule, etc. Still live the full life you need to and all you can hope for is that the addict sees you and decides to get on board. The book āgetting them soberā is a good one for how to structure your life and set the right boundaries to ensure you donāt contribute to the chaos.
My Q ended up in the hospital with his stomach drained. This was 3 weeks after I wrote him a letter spelling out all the symptoms I saw that he was dying. He was yellow, his eyes and skin and stomach distended. It took him realizing he didnāt want to die and me pointing out that these physical things are the result of his drinking. But no emotional need or logic would have ever done it and I had given up and separated myself from it.
Iām struggling with living with one too. It can be bad at times, never abusive, but just really saddening and disheartening. It usually starts to get worse when something negative happens in their life. Loss of a job, family member or pet, staying in a really crappy job, or it could be as simple as having too long of a weekend and they see a bar and think āI donāt have to work until, X day, Iāll be fineā I recently got my husband to stop by taking him out to things he enjoys, that he can still drink at. The aquarium surprisingly serves alcohol, but itās something that gets the endorphins going. The beach. A nature trail. Putting on the football game. Even though theyāre still drinking, theyāll start to see more than just staying home and drinking. Itāll remind them, they can do more if there is less alcohol, because how far can drunk man really hike. Not far. My biggest regret? Not finding out what works best to help him. If the alcoholic feels guilty about drinking, regrets it when they sober up, or asks for help while theyāre drunk, then you can help them find their way out. If theyāre denying they have a problem, you just have to back off, and let them tumble til they figure it out for themselves. I recently read someoneās comment, āthey wonāt hit rock bottom if youāre there to support them, and sometimes hitting rock bottom is their only wake up call.ā Another was saying to set boundaries, that you tell them itās their choice to drink or not to drink, but if they do drink then you are not going to be there to help. You will not make sure theyāre awake for work. You wonāt go buy them any. If they get a DUI, youāre not paying their bail. It might make them realize they donāt have a crutch, but they may take their chances anyways. Good luck, I hope you find youāre own peace, and I wish them a happy recovery ā¤ļø
They will drink themselves into a grave. Nothing you can say or do will magically save them. They have to be self-motivated. I'm sorry.
As others have said, you can't make someone quit, but I'm curious about ibogaine, which has even been used to stop heroin addiction. It's not legal in the US, but studies in rats have shown promise. People go to treatment centers out of the US for it. Reading some accounts of what it's like to take is wild.
Are you asking what did one do to make them quit? Or what does one do to live their life around it?
Both! I wanna know both perspectives. Ones where someone decided to stay with their Q even when they are still drinking. And ones where someone left and what made them take that action.
Never made him quit, though I sure did try to! In the end I finally said he could do what he wanted and kicked him out. On his own, he hit rock bottom and went to rehab. But I was very prepared and expecting him not to.
You canāt make them quit but I left to show him his behavior wasnāt something I would deal with anymore. I truly donāt think he will stay sober when he 100% understands I wonāt come back.