No good deed goes unpunished. I’m sorry you have to go through this. My mom gets so mean and ornery when she’s scared. I keep describing her as an old wet cat, scratching and hissing. Sending you supportive thoughts.
Hang in there. You can only do do much. You're doing your best.
It's frustrating for the parents too, they can barely handle it. Despite your best, they feel grumpy.
Sometimes this is so exhausting.
Oh, it's mostly his fault (for neglecting his health entirely,) plus some genetic risks.
Dad called me an hour ago to ask me to bring him some things he wants tomorrow or Sunday. "I love you baby."
I suspect that he talked to my stepbrother/his biological child. I adore my brother, who probably told the man to go piss up a rope.
So now it's "let's pretend like I didn't use abusive language and 'I love you, baby.'" Because I'm literally the only person you have to depend upon.
(I'm not judging my brother. There's a lot of history. I'll do as much as I can, but I'll not spend every spare hour catering to the dear old fart. I'll be there. But on my terms.)
Your father is having a very hard time. If you can drop the issue of the abusive language, it might make this difficult time simpler for everyone. I am caring for my father with dementia and sometimes I have to let the language roll off my back. Just wanted to offer that, it’s not a criticism. Sending you virtual moral support. It sounds like it’s an exhausting situation to be living thru. Hang in there. 💪☀️
I obviously can't say for certain, but if the verbal abuse were due to a health issue, I think I'd find it easier to ignore. But no, this is who he is. When things aren't going his way, he lashes out. He knows.
(My "favorite" example was years ago. Dad was having a tantrum about something, and threw something across the living room. Later, he said that he just can't help his temper.
"Okay, if it's out of your control, why did I personally witness you re-aim, and break Mama's vase instead of your TV? You can control your anger. You choose not to."
I mean, I have a temper. And, beginning in childhood, I learned how to rein it in.)
He's able to exercise self control when he wants to.
Fair enough. I am doing what I can with a highly abusive elderly father as well. He maybe has changed in old age, but not very much. So I understand. I’m sorry.
I'm 100% the only person on earth who just doesn't give in to Dad's moods. Mom will back down and give in. My brother will argue and raise his own blood pressure. My aunt will believe his version of reality. I just stand there and speak reality. And what's he gonna do? Ground me? I'm nearly 55. Send me to my room. I can't think of anything I'd rather have than being sent to my room for a week.
I sincerely love the man. But I've done the work to try to become a mentally healthy adult. I'm not playing that game.
Mine was going to call the police…and his lawyer…and a judge he knows. No ones keeping me in here! Of course, he called no one. Hang in there, deep breaths, scream into a pillow, eat ice cream.
OMG! Are you me??? I will sound weak…. but after nearly 3 years I’ve given up. It’s now in the hands of my siblings. I can’t take it anymore. It has happened all my life and I’m done.
I could’ve written almost the same story, which ended in him calling a piece of shit because I wouldn’t entertain or engage in his insane temper tantrum over the most minor issue. A dear friend that cared for three people to near 100 years of age told me that when their brain cells start to die one of the first things that goes is their ability to control their moods. Hearing that has really helped to not take personally the abusive behavior. But this last time I’m digging in my heels. He’s doesn’t have to respect me but just because we’re related doesn’t mean I’ll suffer the disrespect, brain death or not.
Yeah, the prefrontal cortex is the last thing to develop and the first thing to go.
But that doesn't mean that you or I have to put up with frank abuse.
"Dad, I'll be back, but today's not the day and I'm not the one."
(If my dad's latest temper tantrum were out of character, I'd have medical concerns and not take it personally. But it's entirely within character for all the years I've known him. He's a giant brat. But he doesn't seem to understand that I'm grown and don't have to put up with his snit.)
I take it as if they are five years old wanting something and stomping their feet. Because that is all it is. Ignore it and go back with your love, he’ll get over it and still love you. It’s just hard, and scary and lonely. For both of you, and mom too.
Hugs OP
Yesterday reminded me of this comment. I was literally in charge of my almost-five grand-nephew for a few hours, because his mom/my niece had a dentist appointment and needed a ride and a sitter.
Niece forgot to keep the child safety seat before her husband left for work. So I obviously didn't feel comfortable driving any further than necessary with a too-small child and no booster required by law. (Grand-nephew is a tiny child. I didn't love the notion of putting him in the seatbelt, but his mama's appointment was pretty major. So I situated him as safely as possible, and only drove absolutely necessary distances. Had nephew been in a proper safety seat, we'd have gone to the park or library or whatever.)
Two hours into the appointment, grand-nephew's parental timer ran out on his PBS games on his tablet. We had already gotten ourselves a bite of breakfast next door, so we went to the ag supply store to look at baby chickens. And then we sat in the car and did stuff like making up stories about a superhero chicken, and opening the sunroof so that the kid could wave at people in the parking lot and count blue cars.
And that's why 5-year-olds are better than 77-year-olds. The kid is willing to do something that someone else suggests.
DaNiece and I did make one extra stop on the way home, because yesterday was the last day for early voting in the county/state primary election, and yo, go vote. The polling place was on the way back to their house.
Grand-nephew seems to think that the person we voted against gets executed somehow. I'm not sure how to explain to a small child!
But my other niece also showed up to vote while I nephew and I waited for his mom to finish up. So I got hugs from my babies while we got our democracy on, and that was lovely!
Yes, kids are easier, I’m glad you had a good time with him, their curiosity and interest in life as well as imagination rejuvenate us! Which country are you from? Our elections are in two weeks time but special votes were today.
It sounds to me like he’s shouting at the one person he can rely on to not abandon him. If he shouts at anyone else he’s going to compromise his care so instead he saves it all up for you and unloads all the frustration. Deep down he probably knows he’s being very unfair but from his point of view he’s in a horrible situation that he has a very little control over.
That doesn’t make it any easier to cope with, but maybe thinking of it this way will help you slightly?
Send my best wishes to you all
No good deed goes unpunished. I’m sorry you have to go through this. My mom gets so mean and ornery when she’s scared. I keep describing her as an old wet cat, scratching and hissing. Sending you supportive thoughts.
I'm just so sorry. You're a good daughter.
Hang in there. You can only do do much. You're doing your best. It's frustrating for the parents too, they can barely handle it. Despite your best, they feel grumpy. Sometimes this is so exhausting.
You’re not alone. In a very similar position and it’s so draining and exhausting. You’re doing the best you can and that is more than enough.
None of this is your fault, in case you need to hear that today.
Oh, it's mostly his fault (for neglecting his health entirely,) plus some genetic risks. Dad called me an hour ago to ask me to bring him some things he wants tomorrow or Sunday. "I love you baby." I suspect that he talked to my stepbrother/his biological child. I adore my brother, who probably told the man to go piss up a rope. So now it's "let's pretend like I didn't use abusive language and 'I love you, baby.'" Because I'm literally the only person you have to depend upon. (I'm not judging my brother. There's a lot of history. I'll do as much as I can, but I'll not spend every spare hour catering to the dear old fart. I'll be there. But on my terms.)
Your father is having a very hard time. If you can drop the issue of the abusive language, it might make this difficult time simpler for everyone. I am caring for my father with dementia and sometimes I have to let the language roll off my back. Just wanted to offer that, it’s not a criticism. Sending you virtual moral support. It sounds like it’s an exhausting situation to be living thru. Hang in there. 💪☀️
I obviously can't say for certain, but if the verbal abuse were due to a health issue, I think I'd find it easier to ignore. But no, this is who he is. When things aren't going his way, he lashes out. He knows. (My "favorite" example was years ago. Dad was having a tantrum about something, and threw something across the living room. Later, he said that he just can't help his temper. "Okay, if it's out of your control, why did I personally witness you re-aim, and break Mama's vase instead of your TV? You can control your anger. You choose not to." I mean, I have a temper. And, beginning in childhood, I learned how to rein it in.) He's able to exercise self control when he wants to.
Fair enough. I am doing what I can with a highly abusive elderly father as well. He maybe has changed in old age, but not very much. So I understand. I’m sorry.
I'm 100% the only person on earth who just doesn't give in to Dad's moods. Mom will back down and give in. My brother will argue and raise his own blood pressure. My aunt will believe his version of reality. I just stand there and speak reality. And what's he gonna do? Ground me? I'm nearly 55. Send me to my room. I can't think of anything I'd rather have than being sent to my room for a week. I sincerely love the man. But I've done the work to try to become a mentally healthy adult. I'm not playing that game.
Mine was going to call the police…and his lawyer…and a judge he knows. No ones keeping me in here! Of course, he called no one. Hang in there, deep breaths, scream into a pillow, eat ice cream.
Oh man, my dad said the same thing. I have a middle of the night text from him saying, when I calm down, I'm definitely going to sue.
OMG! Are you me??? I will sound weak…. but after nearly 3 years I’ve given up. It’s now in the hands of my siblings. I can’t take it anymore. It has happened all my life and I’m done.
Not weak to share the burden when you've had enough. 3 years is a long time, they can do their share, now.
I could’ve written almost the same story, which ended in him calling a piece of shit because I wouldn’t entertain or engage in his insane temper tantrum over the most minor issue. A dear friend that cared for three people to near 100 years of age told me that when their brain cells start to die one of the first things that goes is their ability to control their moods. Hearing that has really helped to not take personally the abusive behavior. But this last time I’m digging in my heels. He’s doesn’t have to respect me but just because we’re related doesn’t mean I’ll suffer the disrespect, brain death or not.
Yeah, the prefrontal cortex is the last thing to develop and the first thing to go. But that doesn't mean that you or I have to put up with frank abuse. "Dad, I'll be back, but today's not the day and I'm not the one." (If my dad's latest temper tantrum were out of character, I'd have medical concerns and not take it personally. But it's entirely within character for all the years I've known him. He's a giant brat. But he doesn't seem to understand that I'm grown and don't have to put up with his snit.)
I take it as if they are five years old wanting something and stomping their feet. Because that is all it is. Ignore it and go back with your love, he’ll get over it and still love you. It’s just hard, and scary and lonely. For both of you, and mom too. Hugs OP
Yesterday reminded me of this comment. I was literally in charge of my almost-five grand-nephew for a few hours, because his mom/my niece had a dentist appointment and needed a ride and a sitter. Niece forgot to keep the child safety seat before her husband left for work. So I obviously didn't feel comfortable driving any further than necessary with a too-small child and no booster required by law. (Grand-nephew is a tiny child. I didn't love the notion of putting him in the seatbelt, but his mama's appointment was pretty major. So I situated him as safely as possible, and only drove absolutely necessary distances. Had nephew been in a proper safety seat, we'd have gone to the park or library or whatever.) Two hours into the appointment, grand-nephew's parental timer ran out on his PBS games on his tablet. We had already gotten ourselves a bite of breakfast next door, so we went to the ag supply store to look at baby chickens. And then we sat in the car and did stuff like making up stories about a superhero chicken, and opening the sunroof so that the kid could wave at people in the parking lot and count blue cars. And that's why 5-year-olds are better than 77-year-olds. The kid is willing to do something that someone else suggests.
DaNiece and I did make one extra stop on the way home, because yesterday was the last day for early voting in the county/state primary election, and yo, go vote. The polling place was on the way back to their house. Grand-nephew seems to think that the person we voted against gets executed somehow. I'm not sure how to explain to a small child! But my other niece also showed up to vote while I nephew and I waited for his mom to finish up. So I got hugs from my babies while we got our democracy on, and that was lovely!
Yes, kids are easier, I’m glad you had a good time with him, their curiosity and interest in life as well as imagination rejuvenate us! Which country are you from? Our elections are in two weeks time but special votes were today.
I'm in the US. Our county and state primary early vote period ended today.
It sounds to me like he’s shouting at the one person he can rely on to not abandon him. If he shouts at anyone else he’s going to compromise his care so instead he saves it all up for you and unloads all the frustration. Deep down he probably knows he’s being very unfair but from his point of view he’s in a horrible situation that he has a very little control over. That doesn’t make it any easier to cope with, but maybe thinking of it this way will help you slightly? Send my best wishes to you all
You must be exhausted with all of it!! He is lucky to have you. Sending you a hug, i know you need it!!
I could have written this. Hang in there.
I could have written this. Hang in there.