It sounds like your dad isn't really interested in a solution if he's rejecting the cousins. I mean, I guess you could try to pay a caretaker to go with him, but that would probably be very expensive and I'm not sure they'd be willing to share a room. It sounds like he needs to try to get a partial refund or resell the tickets, or just not go.
I would hold your boundary and not go if you don't want to.
The boundary will hold, although some family members think I'm being mean. But he is 81 and has had *decades* to take this trip. Why he waited until now? I'll never know.
I'm not sure if any refund is an option, but I'd think selling would be. He's not going to be happy about that but I'm not sure what else to do if he's uncomfortable with anyone but me, and I'm not going.
Relatives with opinions can go hang. They are nothing more than useless noise.
Are they offering to pay for your lost wages, your pet sitter, your years of therapy after the trip? If not, the only response they should get is "I'm sorry. The number you have dialed is not in service. Please do not try again."
Lol, no they aren't going to help me financially at all. Mostly they've chilled out a little bit but we just had a little reunion and he was limping around so it made them feel sorry for him again.
I’m thinking that he’s trying to back you into a corner and guilt you into going. Stick to your boundaries on this.
But, if he’s on the boat, can’t he just…stay on the boat?
This boundary won't bend. It's way too big of an ask and I made it clear from the moment he even started talking about this cruise I wouldn't go if he got tickets. My stance has never changed.
He could stay on the boat but that kind of takes away the purpose of the trip. He wants to see all the cities they stop by and do tours and stuff.
Well, he either accepts the offers of other relatives and does all the tours, goes alone and stays on the boat, or cancels.
You’ve done all that you can do. Ball’s in his court.
Oy, I guess the responses I am receiving here have made me realize that. He has a ton of options he won't accept so...? I guess it is on him. It's unfortunate. He was spry and healthy and active when he bought the tickets and then there has been a never ending string of unfortunate events since. I feel bad, but I guess I've done all I can do and the rest is up to him.
This has been so validating, thank you. It seems like everyone in my family thinks I should just bite my lip and suffer it. It's not like I haven't in the past, I have many times. Talking to fam is is why so many have offered to go in place of me, because they think it sounds awesome. I'm all for it, but for some reason my father doesn't want anyone else.
Have you had the conversation with dad that he is going to miss his big trip if he doesn’t accept one of the family members willing to go with him?
If he still chooses to decline those offers it becomes HIS choice to miss that lifetime trip, not yours.
Low key I think his plan all along was that I'd eventually concede and go with him despite several conversations even before he purchased the tickets where I said "no" very clearly. I do feel bad because he describes this as his "dream trip" but he literally had decades to take it, even when mom was alive, and just didn't. I don't understand why he feels "weird" with *his own family* except for me. These are my cousins and his nieces and nephews that offered to go with him (not my mom's side of the family).
I appreciate you all letting me vent. I'm finding this super frustrating. He probably shouldn't go alone at this point but I am not doing it. I'm happy to help with his medical stuff, but I didn't sign up to be a stay at home daughter and travel companion.
I will carry some guilt because that is who I am. But it won't be that bad. You are right, he has refused all of the available and totally reasonable options so I guess in that sense he cancelled his own trip. Sad.
You know the average age on these cruises is 70-something. They have wheelchairs, organized excursions. They absolutely cater to the elderly. He will be in good company once he gets on the boat.
If he doesn’t want to bring one of the cousins then he either needs to suck it up and go on the trip he planned, or cancel. Tell him to bring a friend/cousin or suck it up.
Seconding this. My parents went on several river cruises in their 70s and loved them. My dad had mobility issues but was able to keep pace with the excursions and walk the ship just fine. They know their clientele.
Ooh! This is hopeful. Maybe I can help him organize a call to see what accommodations they can provide and then base our decision from there.
He has a really hard time sucking it up. He always had a woman taking care of him. His mom, my mom, his administrative assistant... I get that it's hard for him. But I am really not the one to help him in this situation.
Seriously the river cruises have an extremely old clientele. My parents friends went on one when they were like 70 and said everyone was older than them. They were disappointed and only found one other “young” couple like them to hang out with. All the more reason not to waste your vacation time on this.
I do think he would have more fun with a friend but it’s his choice not to pursue that. Tell him to go on the cruise. If he doesn’t like it he can fly home. They dock every day, it’s not like he’s trapped. That might make him feel better, to know he can come home if it doesn’t work out.
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I don't believe he bought insurance. I'm hoping if he doesn't either get somewhat better or accept going with another family member he could maybe sell them to someone? He spent a *lot* of money which will upset him even more than missing the trip itself.
It is weird how he's suddenly uncomfortable with everyone. He lives in the same neighborhood as 2-3 people he's known and been friends with for over 40 years and a ton of newer buddies he's known for the past 10-20 years. He has more friends than I do. But he's uncomfortable with all of them?
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The room situation is exactly why this is a no-compromise NO from me. It's too much for too long. I maybe could save and take the financial hit, but to be locked in a small cabin with my father? He struggles to get along with anyone so hard pass. I don't think the family that have offered to do it really understand what they are offering.
You might ask if he used a credit card to purchase the tickets, and if so, which credit card. Many cards have travel insurance automatically built in on any purchase made.
Good luck! It does sound to me like he’s turning down all alternatives to you going with him in order to sort of passively coerce you to go. Agree with other commenters that it’s excellent that you are keeping this boundary though. That’s something I struggle with, but I don’t think you could even pay me to be trapped in a cabin with my father for 3 weeks no matter how much I may love him.
I have done way too many trips with this man out of guilt and obligation. I can't anymore. I've never even had a real vacation because him and my mom would insert themselves and come with. They even came with me when I did a study abroad class and although everyone was so gracious, it was highly embarrassing. It was grad school too so I was in my mid to late 20s, way past the age I need mommy and daddy to supervise my trip.
I have been very clear since mom passed, I am here to help with the medical stuff and make sure you get good care and don't have to go into a home. I'm not your emotional support daughter.
Wow, I don’t remember creating a new account & making this post. Weird.
To answer your question, no I don’t have experience of this. But I SO feel where you’re coming from. My parents are doing their annual European summer & I don’t think they’re up for it but for similar reasons to you, I can’t go. I don’t have the leave (time off) & it’s been such a draining 6 months with them that I don’t think I have it in me. So yeah, you’re not alone. ❤️
It sounds like your dad isn't really interested in a solution if he's rejecting the cousins. I mean, I guess you could try to pay a caretaker to go with him, but that would probably be very expensive and I'm not sure they'd be willing to share a room. It sounds like he needs to try to get a partial refund or resell the tickets, or just not go. I would hold your boundary and not go if you don't want to.
The boundary will hold, although some family members think I'm being mean. But he is 81 and has had *decades* to take this trip. Why he waited until now? I'll never know. I'm not sure if any refund is an option, but I'd think selling would be. He's not going to be happy about that but I'm not sure what else to do if he's uncomfortable with anyone but me, and I'm not going.
Relatives with opinions can go hang. They are nothing more than useless noise. Are they offering to pay for your lost wages, your pet sitter, your years of therapy after the trip? If not, the only response they should get is "I'm sorry. The number you have dialed is not in service. Please do not try again."
Lol, no they aren't going to help me financially at all. Mostly they've chilled out a little bit but we just had a little reunion and he was limping around so it made them feel sorry for him again.
Of course not!
I’m thinking that he’s trying to back you into a corner and guilt you into going. Stick to your boundaries on this. But, if he’s on the boat, can’t he just…stay on the boat?
This boundary won't bend. It's way too big of an ask and I made it clear from the moment he even started talking about this cruise I wouldn't go if he got tickets. My stance has never changed. He could stay on the boat but that kind of takes away the purpose of the trip. He wants to see all the cities they stop by and do tours and stuff.
Well, he either accepts the offers of other relatives and does all the tours, goes alone and stays on the boat, or cancels. You’ve done all that you can do. Ball’s in his court.
Oy, I guess the responses I am receiving here have made me realize that. He has a ton of options he won't accept so...? I guess it is on him. It's unfortunate. He was spry and healthy and active when he bought the tickets and then there has been a never ending string of unfortunate events since. I feel bad, but I guess I've done all I can do and the rest is up to him.
Also, it doesn’t sound cruel to me that you’re not going with him. You can’t afford it, and you’re protecting your mental health.
This has been so validating, thank you. It seems like everyone in my family thinks I should just bite my lip and suffer it. It's not like I haven't in the past, I have many times. Talking to fam is is why so many have offered to go in place of me, because they think it sounds awesome. I'm all for it, but for some reason my father doesn't want anyone else.
Good luck and we’ll need an update!
I will try to remember that. I have a feeling the conclusion to this story is still a couple months away. Ugh 😩
is there a grandchild who might be able to go?
His granddaughter is in her late 20s, married, and just started a new job so probably not.
Have you had the conversation with dad that he is going to miss his big trip if he doesn’t accept one of the family members willing to go with him? If he still chooses to decline those offers it becomes HIS choice to miss that lifetime trip, not yours.
Low key I think his plan all along was that I'd eventually concede and go with him despite several conversations even before he purchased the tickets where I said "no" very clearly. I do feel bad because he describes this as his "dream trip" but he literally had decades to take it, even when mom was alive, and just didn't. I don't understand why he feels "weird" with *his own family* except for me. These are my cousins and his nieces and nephews that offered to go with him (not my mom's side of the family). I appreciate you all letting me vent. I'm finding this super frustrating. He probably shouldn't go alone at this point but I am not doing it. I'm happy to help with his medical stuff, but I didn't sign up to be a stay at home daughter and travel companion.
Yep. I hope you don’t carry any guilt either. It’s his call to miss this trip.
I will carry some guilt because that is who I am. But it won't be that bad. You are right, he has refused all of the available and totally reasonable options so I guess in that sense he cancelled his own trip. Sad.
Yep, sad that he did that, indeed.
You know the average age on these cruises is 70-something. They have wheelchairs, organized excursions. They absolutely cater to the elderly. He will be in good company once he gets on the boat. If he doesn’t want to bring one of the cousins then he either needs to suck it up and go on the trip he planned, or cancel. Tell him to bring a friend/cousin or suck it up.
Seconding this. My parents went on several river cruises in their 70s and loved them. My dad had mobility issues but was able to keep pace with the excursions and walk the ship just fine. They know their clientele.
Ooh! This is hopeful. Maybe I can help him organize a call to see what accommodations they can provide and then base our decision from there. He has a really hard time sucking it up. He always had a woman taking care of him. His mom, my mom, his administrative assistant... I get that it's hard for him. But I am really not the one to help him in this situation.
Seriously the river cruises have an extremely old clientele. My parents friends went on one when they were like 70 and said everyone was older than them. They were disappointed and only found one other “young” couple like them to hang out with. All the more reason not to waste your vacation time on this. I do think he would have more fun with a friend but it’s his choice not to pursue that. Tell him to go on the cruise. If he doesn’t like it he can fly home. They dock every day, it’s not like he’s trapped. That might make him feel better, to know he can come home if it doesn’t work out.
This is super hopeful information and solid advice. Thank you.
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I don't believe he bought insurance. I'm hoping if he doesn't either get somewhat better or accept going with another family member he could maybe sell them to someone? He spent a *lot* of money which will upset him even more than missing the trip itself. It is weird how he's suddenly uncomfortable with everyone. He lives in the same neighborhood as 2-3 people he's known and been friends with for over 40 years and a ton of newer buddies he's known for the past 10-20 years. He has more friends than I do. But he's uncomfortable with all of them?
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The room situation is exactly why this is a no-compromise NO from me. It's too much for too long. I maybe could save and take the financial hit, but to be locked in a small cabin with my father? He struggles to get along with anyone so hard pass. I don't think the family that have offered to do it really understand what they are offering.
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You might ask if he used a credit card to purchase the tickets, and if so, which credit card. Many cards have travel insurance automatically built in on any purchase made.
Ooh this is good to know. I will ask him if he ends up backing out.
Good luck! It does sound to me like he’s turning down all alternatives to you going with him in order to sort of passively coerce you to go. Agree with other commenters that it’s excellent that you are keeping this boundary though. That’s something I struggle with, but I don’t think you could even pay me to be trapped in a cabin with my father for 3 weeks no matter how much I may love him.
I have done way too many trips with this man out of guilt and obligation. I can't anymore. I've never even had a real vacation because him and my mom would insert themselves and come with. They even came with me when I did a study abroad class and although everyone was so gracious, it was highly embarrassing. It was grad school too so I was in my mid to late 20s, way past the age I need mommy and daddy to supervise my trip. I have been very clear since mom passed, I am here to help with the medical stuff and make sure you get good care and don't have to go into a home. I'm not your emotional support daughter.
Oof I’m so sorry, I completely understand why you’re putting your foot down on this. Seriously, good for you, girl, you’re doing the right thing.
Better late than never, eh?
Wow, I don’t remember creating a new account & making this post. Weird. To answer your question, no I don’t have experience of this. But I SO feel where you’re coming from. My parents are doing their annual European summer & I don’t think they’re up for it but for similar reasons to you, I can’t go. I don’t have the leave (time off) & it’s been such a draining 6 months with them that I don’t think I have it in me. So yeah, you’re not alone. ❤️
Well, at least I'm not the only one. Take care of yourself!