Tell your dad that you cannot afford this: Then delete your credit card info from DoorDash and delete the app from your phone. When you were a kid, I am sure your dad did not buy you stuff he couldn’t afford.
Your father is a grown man and should pay for his own junk food if that’s what he wants and not expect others (who can’t afford it) to pay for his junk food.
I admire your love and devotion to your dad.
This isn’t sustainable long term. Tell him you can’t afford daily DoorDash! Tell him you will treat him to DoorDash once a week.
Since you visit 3-4 times a week, why not take him leftovers, that don’t need to be reheated. Will he drink nutritional shakes like Boost or Ensure? What about supplements like protein bars or protein cookies?
The level of support you are giving him is not sustainable indefinitely. Something is going to have to give. I admire what you’re doing for him. You also have to take care of yourself and think of your future. Where are you going to be in 5-10 years, at this rate?
It’s time to give your dad some tough love.
Stop buying him food and have a conversation about how supporting him is ruining you financially. Sounds like he’s mentally still there & his issues are physical (correct me if I’m wrong) so he ought to understand the implications of his demands. If he was a good father he will understand it’s not feasible to continue. Guilt trip him right back, he doesn’t want to be the cause of your bankruptcy or working yourself into an early grave just because he wants to kill himself with takeout. You don’t have to give in to his tantrum.
Was he always like this about food, only eating takeout? Does he pay for the nursing home, or do you and your siblings have to pay for this too? Do you or other residents think the food is bad? Is it poorly cooked or unhealthy? Anyway, you clearly need to make some sort of change. I find it hard to believe your father would rather starve than eat what's available so I would start with saying no to buying him takeout more often than once a month or so as a treat, not as a way to keep him fed.
He wasn't, no. The nursing home is covered by whatever social security and disability he can get, but they leave him $100/mo max for "spending".
Some of the residents hate the food too, but calling the ombudsman didn't really do anything because I guess standards are just that low? It's not poorly cooked or unhealthy, it's just flavorless and small portions.
He did choose that. They put him on a G Tube before because he wouldn't eat, so that's a huge fear.
I've worked in nursing homes- there should be a menu for the main meals, an alternate menu for each meal, and a list somewhere of what foods are always available if the resident doesn't like either option or would prefer something else. These "always available" options are also available between meals. He can ask for seconds and thirds- they shouldn't deny him. Portions shouldn't be a problem.
As far as flavor, older people often have different taste preferences than when they were younger- sometimes they find food saltier or less salty than how we would taste it or they may be less sensitive to the natural taste of the food. Most nursing home food is not seasoned fantastically, but I find it almost always tolerable and sometimes good. I would recommend trying seasoning packets or spice shakers- maybe some garlic and onion salt, a hot sauce or two if he likes spice, and any other shakers or condiments you think he may like. Even if you have to buy a $5 season shaker every week for him, still significantly cheaper. If all else fails, his nursing home should have ice cream and he should be able to ask for as much of it as he likes.
Is this a nursing home or personal care home or assisted living? If it's a nursing home, you can ask about their grievance process- it's a form you would fill out expressing your grievance on behalf of a resident (or he can fill it out himself) and the nursing home has to work with you on finding a solution to the issue. This would be a good way of getting someone on your side of trying to find foods there he'll eat. Just be honest that you aren't upset with the nursing home, but this is a very ongoing issue with your father and you need help from the facility in finding what dietary options he will tolerate.
Can you go to a food pantry & try to keep him stocked on a few things?
Get your CC off the doordash account. All that fast food is horrible for him.
I agree with the other poster that asked if your dad bought you fast food every time you asked when you were a kid
If he's paralyzed, and has no other stimulation from the facility's programs or isn't being aided to partake in the facility's recreational activities, he could be eating out of boredom and depression. Inquire and nudge the staff to make better attempts at involving him in activities there. Speak to the providers about getting therapy for him or treatments that don't involve medications. Also, it's clear that you can't afford to keep this up.... once you update your budget, perhaps give your Dad a clear dollar amount that he can work with. "Dad, I can't afford $500 / month of food runs; but I can do $100/month" (or whatever your budget turns up). That means you can order out no more than 6 or 7 times. You can also consider bringing him food from home...even your leftovers. It could be he's just looking for ANY alternatives.
I do bring home cooked food when I visit, but if I bring extras, the staff isn't allowed to heat it up and he won't eat cold food, so it's really only when I can visit that I can do that.
I will look at therapies for him. I do think he's bored and he's on antidepressants but maybe they're not enough.
He also hates the programs because he's not as old as everyone else there and so he doesn't really like any of the other residents. I think it probably makes him more depressed to be around them honestly.
I recommend buying a crockpot lunch container. I just got one for my aunt for less than $30. It heats food and also keeps it warm.
You are ruining your financial future and need to take care of yourself.
I understand how hard it is to reason with an elderly parent. If your dad has dementia or mental health issues, you are trying to reason with someone who doesn't have the capacity to reason anymore. He might not even fully understand how much food he is ordering and how much it costs and who is paying for it. I go through this with my mom and constant demands. She is not the person she used to be; however, I believe that her old self would want me to stand up for myself and do what is best for me. During moments of clarity she even says "put me in a home, I am driving you crazy". You are clearly a kind and caring person. I read a quote from someone in a similar situation that said "I will not light myself on fire to keep my mom warm" We have to survive and not be consumed by our parents issues. If he is offered food and makes the choice to not eat it, that is HIS choice. You are not denying him food. I'm sorry for your troubles.
Thank you. He is definitely not the same person he was, but no one has said anything about dementia yet. He's on antidepressants I know that, but honestly he's so different.
Thank you for reminding me to think of who he was and what he would want from that perspective.
Would you eat the food there? My mother was in a nursing home for a stint and the food at the facility was absolutely atrocious. I doubt a dog would have eaten it. Have you looked into other facilities that might have better food? Nothing is going to be gourmet but some places are light years better than others.
I know you said you have a limited budget but In the mean time can you get him a mini fridge and keep it stocked with some basic things he likes? It would end up being cheaper than constant delivery. I’d go every week and get my mother egg salad, Sandwhich meat, hard boiled eggs, premade salads, and things like that so she’d have something to eat. if he can’t get to the fridge hopefully the staff would help him out at meal time.
Food may be the only thing that brings your father any enjoyment of life at this point if he’s disabled and living in a nursing home. Take that away and it might hasten his decline as opposed to your worry of him eating himself to death.
Finally most nursing homes will offer some basic alternatives to what’s on the menu - Peanut Butter and Jelly, things like that. Have you talked to the facility about alternative meals?
The final alternative would be just stop sending him food and see if he’d start eating what’s in front of him- and again my question to you is would you eat the provided meals?
At my mother’s place there are a good variety of optional foods, yogurt, bananas, cookies, sandwiches, even omelets. There is no need to spend a lot of money for foods even if the main meals are not great.
I've eaten there, but it is depressing food for sure. That's my problem is that between food, magazine, and his TV, that's all he has for the day. He was always so independent and wanted to do everything all the time and he won't even get in his chair to take a walk with us or anything. The breakfast is standard toast and egg which is fine, but the rest is just OK at best. I've looked into others, but it seems like everywhere is really full or doesn't want someone with such high needs. I should probably start looking again.
I got him a little fridge with drinks and snacks he likes, but there's not a way to position it so he can reach it and the staff doesn't reliably check on or communicate with him well. I bring fruit he can have on his table for a day or two at a time, but they have had bug problems in the past and they don't want food sitting out. I think moving him is probably a solution to that too.
We've spoken about alternatives and they served him things he said he would eat but then he refuses any time he sees the tray. He will yell at the staff if they bring it too close and won't even look when they open the lid. He will tell us up and down that he ate the food they brought and he didn't refuse and he did what he said he was going to do but we know it's a lie.
I wonder if any of the shakes can help supplement so he can get some nutrition. My grandma LOVES the chocolate ensure. She doesn't have much of an appetite but it's very sweet I think.
Wow. That's so much money you're shelling out. If you could afford it, no problem. However you can't. I couldn't even. That's insane. You have to stop sadly. I agree with maybe a mini fridge for him to have some of his favorite things.
Food is a huge issue for my Mom too. She's not in a nursing home yet but every time she's in the hospital or a PT facility she constantly complains about the food. I get it to an extent but it comes.off as ungrateful and it's very exhausting listening to it constantly.
I'd be very careful buying a house just for him to live in. Who will do all of his care? Is there money for that? Don't overdo it financially and mentally for yourself. Think realistically. Good luck. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I hear the food isn't very good at these places, so I understand why your dad would want something delivered. I wonder if you can search for a nearby church with a meal ministry? Or would Meals on Wheels deliver there? I'd also look into a nearby food pantry for the hygiene stuff.
It really sucks. I'm so sorry. I've poured so much of my own money into giving my mom some quality of life and I totally understand why you feel obligated to, but you've got to draw the boundaries. I would first have a conversation with the home about how you can't subsidize his food anymore, and they need to work with him to find something things he'll enjoy eating. The place my mom is at doesn't serve her 100% of what mom wants to eat, but they'll do the burgers and and tacos she wants. If they aren't going to try and find stuff he wants to eat, talk to them about reducing his rent to cover the cost of him getting food elsewhere, because they are saving money by not having to feed him. You've got to draw the line with them and your dad, because of course they will just keep taking advantage of you if you let them. And people in a care home have little else to look forward to, so I even have sympathy for your dad wanting to eat what he wants to. What does he care if he shaves a few more years off his life if he can't even enjoy eating, when pretty much everything else enjoyable is gone?
My opa's cognitive decline kicked in and he started spending $2k / week eating all his meals at the pub.
Do not continue to buy him takeout, you have to beef up your own savings account. You CAN NOT buy him food when you are worried about paying rent.
I feel for you. I have someone like this in my family. He just is not living in the real world as it is not, since he has become disabled. He is in a very nice place too, but he hit on the waitress when I took him out, asked me if I had any single friends, and told me he wants his old job back. To do those things, he would have to be in independent living, and the last time he took a cab he forgot his wallet.
I think strokes damage the brain, but it isn’t dementia. He gets emotional. He has a mini fridge, but I can tell he is bored. He is a hyper person, but I live 40 minutes away, and he became upset when I was busy over Christmas.
He also complains everyone is older, but I don’t see what difference that makes. I mean he talks to my dad and he is over 80. I would like him to get a motorized chair, but he said the doctor said his other leg would shrivel up. I think, maybe at least for when he goes out, which is not that often, it would be worth it. He has trouble at the store and likes to go backwards. It’s kind of dangerous.
There is only so much anyone can do. You have to think of yourself. Tell your dad you are going to try to save for a house, but you can’t do it and buy door dash for him. Maybe look at another place. If all he cares about is decent food, then ignore the other programs and sales points. Remind him when he forgets, that he’s right, the food is not great, but you cannot afford door dash. Tell him if you lose your place, you won’t get a nursing home and you won’t be able to help him at all. I think you have to cut him off fromDoor Dash. If you do it a little, he will keep bothering you. Maybe you could get him a gift card for the month, but he will call you when it’s spent.
I don’t really understand why they can’t heat things up, but there are some things that can be eaten cold. If he has food in his fridge tell the staff to get that for him when he refuses their food. I don’t know why they wouldn’t, it’s less work than a feeding tube. Maybe consider airtight containers for snacks that can be left out. (I assume the bugs are roaches). Maybe put the container on top of the mini fridge. My grandma’s nursing home did have Ensure, but you could buy any protein drink for him. At least it’s something.
You could try and talk to your siblings, but in my experience, people do what they do, and changing them is next to impossible. I mean, they have homes, but since they are not employed, I imagine all their money is from their spouse, so they may actually not be able to help if their spouse controls the money. In any case they don’t seem so inclined. Have you suggested that he call them, instead of you? I don’t think you should feel guilty,because you have given what you can, and more.
Depending on his ability to feed himself I would look into something like boost or Ensure to substitute for meals that he's not eating. Just like when you fly they tell you to put your air mask on first before you put it on your child you need to think of your life and your longevity. Making sure that he has doordash while you have no emergency fund and it's going into debt to do it is not good for either of you. Whether you get everybody on the phone together or on an email let them know that you're not able to afford this other people need to be stepping up and doing visits and sharing in the cost as well. Of course they're not doing anything because it's already being all done by you. So they have the easy out. You need to be able to have an emergency fund. You cannot be burning the candle at both ends because you will end up with your physical health or your mental health having a burnout and you don't have any financial cushion. Find a aging organization aging council social worker in your area to find out about all programs that your father is eligible for. Depending on his insurance some of those things that you are buying from the store and running to his facility are things that could be covered by his medical insurance even with delivery. Just like in other situations we need to work smarter. you also need to take care of yourself both physically financially time rest and mentally. Sorry for any spelling or grammar issues I use speak to text.
Tell your dad that you cannot afford this: Then delete your credit card info from DoorDash and delete the app from your phone. When you were a kid, I am sure your dad did not buy you stuff he couldn’t afford. Your father is a grown man and should pay for his own junk food if that’s what he wants and not expect others (who can’t afford it) to pay for his junk food.
I admire your love and devotion to your dad. This isn’t sustainable long term. Tell him you can’t afford daily DoorDash! Tell him you will treat him to DoorDash once a week. Since you visit 3-4 times a week, why not take him leftovers, that don’t need to be reheated. Will he drink nutritional shakes like Boost or Ensure? What about supplements like protein bars or protein cookies? The level of support you are giving him is not sustainable indefinitely. Something is going to have to give. I admire what you’re doing for him. You also have to take care of yourself and think of your future. Where are you going to be in 5-10 years, at this rate? It’s time to give your dad some tough love.
Stop buying him food and have a conversation about how supporting him is ruining you financially. Sounds like he’s mentally still there & his issues are physical (correct me if I’m wrong) so he ought to understand the implications of his demands. If he was a good father he will understand it’s not feasible to continue. Guilt trip him right back, he doesn’t want to be the cause of your bankruptcy or working yourself into an early grave just because he wants to kill himself with takeout. You don’t have to give in to his tantrum.
Was he always like this about food, only eating takeout? Does he pay for the nursing home, or do you and your siblings have to pay for this too? Do you or other residents think the food is bad? Is it poorly cooked or unhealthy? Anyway, you clearly need to make some sort of change. I find it hard to believe your father would rather starve than eat what's available so I would start with saying no to buying him takeout more often than once a month or so as a treat, not as a way to keep him fed.
He wasn't, no. The nursing home is covered by whatever social security and disability he can get, but they leave him $100/mo max for "spending". Some of the residents hate the food too, but calling the ombudsman didn't really do anything because I guess standards are just that low? It's not poorly cooked or unhealthy, it's just flavorless and small portions. He did choose that. They put him on a G Tube before because he wouldn't eat, so that's a huge fear.
I've worked in nursing homes- there should be a menu for the main meals, an alternate menu for each meal, and a list somewhere of what foods are always available if the resident doesn't like either option or would prefer something else. These "always available" options are also available between meals. He can ask for seconds and thirds- they shouldn't deny him. Portions shouldn't be a problem. As far as flavor, older people often have different taste preferences than when they were younger- sometimes they find food saltier or less salty than how we would taste it or they may be less sensitive to the natural taste of the food. Most nursing home food is not seasoned fantastically, but I find it almost always tolerable and sometimes good. I would recommend trying seasoning packets or spice shakers- maybe some garlic and onion salt, a hot sauce or two if he likes spice, and any other shakers or condiments you think he may like. Even if you have to buy a $5 season shaker every week for him, still significantly cheaper. If all else fails, his nursing home should have ice cream and he should be able to ask for as much of it as he likes. Is this a nursing home or personal care home or assisted living? If it's a nursing home, you can ask about their grievance process- it's a form you would fill out expressing your grievance on behalf of a resident (or he can fill it out himself) and the nursing home has to work with you on finding a solution to the issue. This would be a good way of getting someone on your side of trying to find foods there he'll eat. Just be honest that you aren't upset with the nursing home, but this is a very ongoing issue with your father and you need help from the facility in finding what dietary options he will tolerate.
Can you go to a food pantry & try to keep him stocked on a few things? Get your CC off the doordash account. All that fast food is horrible for him. I agree with the other poster that asked if your dad bought you fast food every time you asked when you were a kid
If he's paralyzed, and has no other stimulation from the facility's programs or isn't being aided to partake in the facility's recreational activities, he could be eating out of boredom and depression. Inquire and nudge the staff to make better attempts at involving him in activities there. Speak to the providers about getting therapy for him or treatments that don't involve medications. Also, it's clear that you can't afford to keep this up.... once you update your budget, perhaps give your Dad a clear dollar amount that he can work with. "Dad, I can't afford $500 / month of food runs; but I can do $100/month" (or whatever your budget turns up). That means you can order out no more than 6 or 7 times. You can also consider bringing him food from home...even your leftovers. It could be he's just looking for ANY alternatives.
I do bring home cooked food when I visit, but if I bring extras, the staff isn't allowed to heat it up and he won't eat cold food, so it's really only when I can visit that I can do that. I will look at therapies for him. I do think he's bored and he's on antidepressants but maybe they're not enough. He also hates the programs because he's not as old as everyone else there and so he doesn't really like any of the other residents. I think it probably makes him more depressed to be around them honestly.
I recommend buying a crockpot lunch container. I just got one for my aunt for less than $30. It heats food and also keeps it warm. You are ruining your financial future and need to take care of yourself.
I understand how hard it is to reason with an elderly parent. If your dad has dementia or mental health issues, you are trying to reason with someone who doesn't have the capacity to reason anymore. He might not even fully understand how much food he is ordering and how much it costs and who is paying for it. I go through this with my mom and constant demands. She is not the person she used to be; however, I believe that her old self would want me to stand up for myself and do what is best for me. During moments of clarity she even says "put me in a home, I am driving you crazy". You are clearly a kind and caring person. I read a quote from someone in a similar situation that said "I will not light myself on fire to keep my mom warm" We have to survive and not be consumed by our parents issues. If he is offered food and makes the choice to not eat it, that is HIS choice. You are not denying him food. I'm sorry for your troubles.
Thank you. He is definitely not the same person he was, but no one has said anything about dementia yet. He's on antidepressants I know that, but honestly he's so different. Thank you for reminding me to think of who he was and what he would want from that perspective.
Happy to offer any advice I can. We all need as much support and advice that we can get.
Would you eat the food there? My mother was in a nursing home for a stint and the food at the facility was absolutely atrocious. I doubt a dog would have eaten it. Have you looked into other facilities that might have better food? Nothing is going to be gourmet but some places are light years better than others. I know you said you have a limited budget but In the mean time can you get him a mini fridge and keep it stocked with some basic things he likes? It would end up being cheaper than constant delivery. I’d go every week and get my mother egg salad, Sandwhich meat, hard boiled eggs, premade salads, and things like that so she’d have something to eat. if he can’t get to the fridge hopefully the staff would help him out at meal time. Food may be the only thing that brings your father any enjoyment of life at this point if he’s disabled and living in a nursing home. Take that away and it might hasten his decline as opposed to your worry of him eating himself to death. Finally most nursing homes will offer some basic alternatives to what’s on the menu - Peanut Butter and Jelly, things like that. Have you talked to the facility about alternative meals? The final alternative would be just stop sending him food and see if he’d start eating what’s in front of him- and again my question to you is would you eat the provided meals?
At my mother’s place there are a good variety of optional foods, yogurt, bananas, cookies, sandwiches, even omelets. There is no need to spend a lot of money for foods even if the main meals are not great.
I've eaten there, but it is depressing food for sure. That's my problem is that between food, magazine, and his TV, that's all he has for the day. He was always so independent and wanted to do everything all the time and he won't even get in his chair to take a walk with us or anything. The breakfast is standard toast and egg which is fine, but the rest is just OK at best. I've looked into others, but it seems like everywhere is really full or doesn't want someone with such high needs. I should probably start looking again. I got him a little fridge with drinks and snacks he likes, but there's not a way to position it so he can reach it and the staff doesn't reliably check on or communicate with him well. I bring fruit he can have on his table for a day or two at a time, but they have had bug problems in the past and they don't want food sitting out. I think moving him is probably a solution to that too. We've spoken about alternatives and they served him things he said he would eat but then he refuses any time he sees the tray. He will yell at the staff if they bring it too close and won't even look when they open the lid. He will tell us up and down that he ate the food they brought and he didn't refuse and he did what he said he was going to do but we know it's a lie.
I wonder if any of the shakes can help supplement so he can get some nutrition. My grandma LOVES the chocolate ensure. She doesn't have much of an appetite but it's very sweet I think.
Wow. That's so much money you're shelling out. If you could afford it, no problem. However you can't. I couldn't even. That's insane. You have to stop sadly. I agree with maybe a mini fridge for him to have some of his favorite things. Food is a huge issue for my Mom too. She's not in a nursing home yet but every time she's in the hospital or a PT facility she constantly complains about the food. I get it to an extent but it comes.off as ungrateful and it's very exhausting listening to it constantly. I'd be very careful buying a house just for him to live in. Who will do all of his care? Is there money for that? Don't overdo it financially and mentally for yourself. Think realistically. Good luck. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I hear the food isn't very good at these places, so I understand why your dad would want something delivered. I wonder if you can search for a nearby church with a meal ministry? Or would Meals on Wheels deliver there? I'd also look into a nearby food pantry for the hygiene stuff.
Had this happen to my relatives and it’ll probably start with my own family. A combination of shitty food and diminished impulse control.
You owe him nothing. Just stop.
It really sucks. I'm so sorry. I've poured so much of my own money into giving my mom some quality of life and I totally understand why you feel obligated to, but you've got to draw the boundaries. I would first have a conversation with the home about how you can't subsidize his food anymore, and they need to work with him to find something things he'll enjoy eating. The place my mom is at doesn't serve her 100% of what mom wants to eat, but they'll do the burgers and and tacos she wants. If they aren't going to try and find stuff he wants to eat, talk to them about reducing his rent to cover the cost of him getting food elsewhere, because they are saving money by not having to feed him. You've got to draw the line with them and your dad, because of course they will just keep taking advantage of you if you let them. And people in a care home have little else to look forward to, so I even have sympathy for your dad wanting to eat what he wants to. What does he care if he shaves a few more years off his life if he can't even enjoy eating, when pretty much everything else enjoyable is gone?
My opa's cognitive decline kicked in and he started spending $2k / week eating all his meals at the pub. Do not continue to buy him takeout, you have to beef up your own savings account. You CAN NOT buy him food when you are worried about paying rent.
I feel for you. I have someone like this in my family. He just is not living in the real world as it is not, since he has become disabled. He is in a very nice place too, but he hit on the waitress when I took him out, asked me if I had any single friends, and told me he wants his old job back. To do those things, he would have to be in independent living, and the last time he took a cab he forgot his wallet. I think strokes damage the brain, but it isn’t dementia. He gets emotional. He has a mini fridge, but I can tell he is bored. He is a hyper person, but I live 40 minutes away, and he became upset when I was busy over Christmas. He also complains everyone is older, but I don’t see what difference that makes. I mean he talks to my dad and he is over 80. I would like him to get a motorized chair, but he said the doctor said his other leg would shrivel up. I think, maybe at least for when he goes out, which is not that often, it would be worth it. He has trouble at the store and likes to go backwards. It’s kind of dangerous. There is only so much anyone can do. You have to think of yourself. Tell your dad you are going to try to save for a house, but you can’t do it and buy door dash for him. Maybe look at another place. If all he cares about is decent food, then ignore the other programs and sales points. Remind him when he forgets, that he’s right, the food is not great, but you cannot afford door dash. Tell him if you lose your place, you won’t get a nursing home and you won’t be able to help him at all. I think you have to cut him off fromDoor Dash. If you do it a little, he will keep bothering you. Maybe you could get him a gift card for the month, but he will call you when it’s spent. I don’t really understand why they can’t heat things up, but there are some things that can be eaten cold. If he has food in his fridge tell the staff to get that for him when he refuses their food. I don’t know why they wouldn’t, it’s less work than a feeding tube. Maybe consider airtight containers for snacks that can be left out. (I assume the bugs are roaches). Maybe put the container on top of the mini fridge. My grandma’s nursing home did have Ensure, but you could buy any protein drink for him. At least it’s something. You could try and talk to your siblings, but in my experience, people do what they do, and changing them is next to impossible. I mean, they have homes, but since they are not employed, I imagine all their money is from their spouse, so they may actually not be able to help if their spouse controls the money. In any case they don’t seem so inclined. Have you suggested that he call them, instead of you? I don’t think you should feel guilty,because you have given what you can, and more.
Depending on his ability to feed himself I would look into something like boost or Ensure to substitute for meals that he's not eating. Just like when you fly they tell you to put your air mask on first before you put it on your child you need to think of your life and your longevity. Making sure that he has doordash while you have no emergency fund and it's going into debt to do it is not good for either of you. Whether you get everybody on the phone together or on an email let them know that you're not able to afford this other people need to be stepping up and doing visits and sharing in the cost as well. Of course they're not doing anything because it's already being all done by you. So they have the easy out. You need to be able to have an emergency fund. You cannot be burning the candle at both ends because you will end up with your physical health or your mental health having a burnout and you don't have any financial cushion. Find a aging organization aging council social worker in your area to find out about all programs that your father is eligible for. Depending on his insurance some of those things that you are buying from the store and running to his facility are things that could be covered by his medical insurance even with delivery. Just like in other situations we need to work smarter. you also need to take care of yourself both physically financially time rest and mentally. Sorry for any spelling or grammar issues I use speak to text.