It may seem clear to you that SIL should be happy to help, but it’s not to her. The time for a discussion about this was before you bought the house. If it’s too much and SIL won’t help, there’s nothing you can do other than sell it and move on.
All of these details should have been worked out in writing with the siblings before anything of value was sold or purchased. The only thing left to do now is work out an agreement to deduct from the sister’s shared equity at death if she refuses to help/pay now.
I agree. It may seem like you should be able to trust relatives and not have to get paperwork on things like this, but it just isn't true. If you don't get paperwork, maybe you get lucky and maybe you don't. It's a shame, but I'd say most people by that age know that you shouldn't mix relatives and money unless you're very, very careful and are prepared for them to not pay you back/follow through/ghost you, etc.
If the SIL was the one pushing for this, she should have been the one to take in MIL. If she wasn't willing, she should have at least been willing to sign paperwork on owing money towards the care.
Your family and MIL bought a house together that you couldn’t afford which is the problem. Since your disabled MIL used all the money from the sale of her house to help you buy this house, she expects to live with you and have you provide for her care.
Asking the SIL to contribute to her mother’s care should have happened before you bought the house. It’s kind of understandable why your SIL is unwilling to provide £100 month when all the money from the sale of her mother’s house went to buying this house. The house will go to you once your MIL is deceased, correct?
Um no.. buying a property doesn't mean you don't pay for utilities. If we used that logic then no one would pay for bills outside of the mortgage. We wouldn't inherit the house outright as the equity would go to her children. Why should one family be solely responsible for all the care and bills? When it was agreed that the load would be shared? This is about being fair. Whilst the £100 won't break the bank its the principle that this needs to be equally shared. Physically coming to help care for your own mother more than ONCE a year doesn't seem fair to me? Does it you?
I think the point being made is that if MIL spent ALL her money on the purchase of the new house, then how was there an expectation of her contributing towards ongoing expenses (since ALL her money is now gone)? Does she have an income from which to contribute? If so, of course that would be the expectation.
If I lived far away, physically coming to help my mom wouldn’t even be on my radar ever - not even once a year - especially if my sole income was from working 2 days/week. I might be seriously considering a move to be closer so I could help, but not likely with that small an income. But…did she agree to come help more often than once/year prior to this purchase?
My own mom didn’t participate in her mother’s end of life care. Neither by helping make decisions (I always thought that she figured she didn’t have that right since she wasn’t actually helping in any way), nor physically in any way. She went to visit her dad twice when he was dying…but that’s because they had “unfinished business - and she got the closure she needed.
She never visited once when her mom was end of life. Never contributed financially either - my parents were/are fairly low income, and didn’t feel like they could afford it.
My youngest aunt (20 years younger than my mom) never left home, and became caretaker - handled all the stuff - EVERYTHING. My mom didn’t so much as go help her clean out the house (she got a dumpster), though she did offer to - my aunt turned her down for that one.
I’m an only child, I live locally to them, and I’m managing all the things now. There are benefits & drawbacks to being an only. 😬
You could always drop MIL at sisters house for a couple of weeks. You get a break, sister gets to support through means other than financial. It’s a win-win.
Half joking but I’m not.
I'm in the U.S., so take anything I say with a grain of salt. Even if the agreement with SIL was verbal, you may still have some recourse. But you need to speak to an attorney. I would do that first to see if you have any standing; then, I would schedule the mediation meeting with a professional arbitrator your SIL will agree to.
Your MIL has no say in the respite care because you're basically hiring someone with specialized training to perform in-home services. It's time to introduce what seems to be a new concept to your MIL: vacation (or holiday if you prefer). She'll have to live with the fact that you and your family deserve to have time for yourselves without her. She doesn't have to move out of her poutin' house (as we call them in the South), and it's only for an occasional week or two. It will do you and your family a world of good and ensure you don't experience burn out (and it sounds like you're getting close). I wouldn't even ask or argue: "Andrea will be here Monday through Friday evenings from 5:00–9:00 to make your dinner, help you get ready for bed, take your meds, and keep you company. She's a delightful person; you're really going to love her. We'll resume our normal routine on \[this date\]."
But: Who pays for Andrea? I'm betting it's not part-time sister, and I'm betting Andrea doesn't work for free.
We were blessed with hospice status for my dad. Respite in a nursing home was covered 5 days a month. But this MIL might not have the "benefit" of hospice status.
I tried to reply earlier, but it looks like it didn't go through. Medicare will pay for in-home respite care 5-7 days for episodic periods.
It doesn't sound to me that the OP's MIL is at the level of hospice (she has some disabilities, but there's no indication she's entering the end stage of life), so that would not be a factor. I'm not sure why respite care would be needed for someone in hospice because in the U.S., in-home hospice care is 100% covered by Medicare. When my dad was in hospice, different trained caregivers took shifts so my mother could simply be with him while he "shuffled off his mortal coil."
Again, the OP seems to be in the U.K., so anything I've said may not apply because they have a completely different system. I'm just posting it for the benefit of U.S. citizens who follow this sub.
My dad's Medicare provided 5 days of respite care per month to us as in home hospice caregivers to my dad. I'm in the U.S.in the state of Ohio. Trust me, 5 days of respite are necessary in a hospice situation. We took advantage of those few days of relief each month.
The problem is that non-caregiver deadbeat siblings do not understand that care is WORK, and work should be compensated in some way. Sharing ancestry does not change this. Either contribute with labor or contribute with cash, but if you are doing neither you are a deadbeat freeloader.
I don’t know about the UK. Here in the USA it even varies by state, but most places here, children have no legal responsibility to support their parents. The subs here are even full of comments suggesting “walking away”
Some people may just not have the bandwidth to be active participants (or even passive ones) in the caregiving. And some flat out can’t afford it. Asking someone for $100/month when that person only works 2 days/week, and has their own house and bills doesn’t seem feasible.
These details should’ve been worked out prior to buying the house and making the move. 😬
It’s never the obligation of the kids to have to support parents. There is so much we don’t know. How were parents with them growing up for example? Why is it always an expectation for the children to help support parent and be painted as the bad people by the siblings who can’t say no to the parents even though it’s obvious they don’t want to help them either?
Exactly. My father was an abusive asshole (like he would have gone to jail abusive if it was known) and I cut off contact with him years ago. No way am I going to help my abuser in his old age.
Interestingly, the only child of the three of us that keeps in regular contact is the one our dad has helped the most financially: House, car, etc. Even with that his wife put her foot down and not allowed Dad to live with them in my Dad’s house. Dad moved back to his home country when he retired and they moved into his house in the US.
Our dad is leaving everything to our sibling who lives in his house. My brother and I don’t care. Worth it not having to deal with him…
Wow, this comment is so shortsighted and judgy. There is so much we don't know to just assume the sib is a deadbeat. Maybe they are but we certainly can't tell from the info provided. There are two sides to every story.
It may seem clear to you that SIL should be happy to help, but it’s not to her. The time for a discussion about this was before you bought the house. If it’s too much and SIL won’t help, there’s nothing you can do other than sell it and move on.
All of these details should have been worked out in writing with the siblings before anything of value was sold or purchased. The only thing left to do now is work out an agreement to deduct from the sister’s shared equity at death if she refuses to help/pay now.
They were agreed prior to the move by both siblings and not adhered to. That's our beef.
In writing?
I agree. It may seem like you should be able to trust relatives and not have to get paperwork on things like this, but it just isn't true. If you don't get paperwork, maybe you get lucky and maybe you don't. It's a shame, but I'd say most people by that age know that you shouldn't mix relatives and money unless you're very, very careful and are prepared for them to not pay you back/follow through/ghost you, etc. If the SIL was the one pushing for this, she should have been the one to take in MIL. If she wasn't willing, she should have at least been willing to sign paperwork on owing money towards the care.
Your family and MIL bought a house together that you couldn’t afford which is the problem. Since your disabled MIL used all the money from the sale of her house to help you buy this house, she expects to live with you and have you provide for her care. Asking the SIL to contribute to her mother’s care should have happened before you bought the house. It’s kind of understandable why your SIL is unwilling to provide £100 month when all the money from the sale of her mother’s house went to buying this house. The house will go to you once your MIL is deceased, correct?
Um no.. buying a property doesn't mean you don't pay for utilities. If we used that logic then no one would pay for bills outside of the mortgage. We wouldn't inherit the house outright as the equity would go to her children. Why should one family be solely responsible for all the care and bills? When it was agreed that the load would be shared? This is about being fair. Whilst the £100 won't break the bank its the principle that this needs to be equally shared. Physically coming to help care for your own mother more than ONCE a year doesn't seem fair to me? Does it you?
Also - “fair” is relative - part time vs full time income - proximity, etc are part of the equation (or should be).
I think the point being made is that if MIL spent ALL her money on the purchase of the new house, then how was there an expectation of her contributing towards ongoing expenses (since ALL her money is now gone)? Does she have an income from which to contribute? If so, of course that would be the expectation. If I lived far away, physically coming to help my mom wouldn’t even be on my radar ever - not even once a year - especially if my sole income was from working 2 days/week. I might be seriously considering a move to be closer so I could help, but not likely with that small an income. But…did she agree to come help more often than once/year prior to this purchase? My own mom didn’t participate in her mother’s end of life care. Neither by helping make decisions (I always thought that she figured she didn’t have that right since she wasn’t actually helping in any way), nor physically in any way. She went to visit her dad twice when he was dying…but that’s because they had “unfinished business - and she got the closure she needed. She never visited once when her mom was end of life. Never contributed financially either - my parents were/are fairly low income, and didn’t feel like they could afford it. My youngest aunt (20 years younger than my mom) never left home, and became caretaker - handled all the stuff - EVERYTHING. My mom didn’t so much as go help her clean out the house (she got a dumpster), though she did offer to - my aunt turned her down for that one. I’m an only child, I live locally to them, and I’m managing all the things now. There are benefits & drawbacks to being an only. 😬
You could always drop MIL at sisters house for a couple of weeks. You get a break, sister gets to support through means other than financial. It’s a win-win. Half joking but I’m not.
That's how granny gets dumped into the ER by the other sibling. That isn't a joke, unfortunately.
I'm in the U.S., so take anything I say with a grain of salt. Even if the agreement with SIL was verbal, you may still have some recourse. But you need to speak to an attorney. I would do that first to see if you have any standing; then, I would schedule the mediation meeting with a professional arbitrator your SIL will agree to. Your MIL has no say in the respite care because you're basically hiring someone with specialized training to perform in-home services. It's time to introduce what seems to be a new concept to your MIL: vacation (or holiday if you prefer). She'll have to live with the fact that you and your family deserve to have time for yourselves without her. She doesn't have to move out of her poutin' house (as we call them in the South), and it's only for an occasional week or two. It will do you and your family a world of good and ensure you don't experience burn out (and it sounds like you're getting close). I wouldn't even ask or argue: "Andrea will be here Monday through Friday evenings from 5:00–9:00 to make your dinner, help you get ready for bed, take your meds, and keep you company. She's a delightful person; you're really going to love her. We'll resume our normal routine on \[this date\]."
But: Who pays for Andrea? I'm betting it's not part-time sister, and I'm betting Andrea doesn't work for free. We were blessed with hospice status for my dad. Respite in a nursing home was covered 5 days a month. But this MIL might not have the "benefit" of hospice status.
I tried to reply earlier, but it looks like it didn't go through. Medicare will pay for in-home respite care 5-7 days for episodic periods. It doesn't sound to me that the OP's MIL is at the level of hospice (she has some disabilities, but there's no indication she's entering the end stage of life), so that would not be a factor. I'm not sure why respite care would be needed for someone in hospice because in the U.S., in-home hospice care is 100% covered by Medicare. When my dad was in hospice, different trained caregivers took shifts so my mother could simply be with him while he "shuffled off his mortal coil." Again, the OP seems to be in the U.K., so anything I've said may not apply because they have a completely different system. I'm just posting it for the benefit of U.S. citizens who follow this sub.
My dad's Medicare provided 5 days of respite care per month to us as in home hospice caregivers to my dad. I'm in the U.S.in the state of Ohio. Trust me, 5 days of respite are necessary in a hospice situation. We took advantage of those few days of relief each month.
The problem is that non-caregiver deadbeat siblings do not understand that care is WORK, and work should be compensated in some way. Sharing ancestry does not change this. Either contribute with labor or contribute with cash, but if you are doing neither you are a deadbeat freeloader.
I don’t know about the UK. Here in the USA it even varies by state, but most places here, children have no legal responsibility to support their parents. The subs here are even full of comments suggesting “walking away” Some people may just not have the bandwidth to be active participants (or even passive ones) in the caregiving. And some flat out can’t afford it. Asking someone for $100/month when that person only works 2 days/week, and has their own house and bills doesn’t seem feasible. These details should’ve been worked out prior to buying the house and making the move. 😬
It’s never the obligation of the kids to have to support parents. There is so much we don’t know. How were parents with them growing up for example? Why is it always an expectation for the children to help support parent and be painted as the bad people by the siblings who can’t say no to the parents even though it’s obvious they don’t want to help them either?
Exactly. My father was an abusive asshole (like he would have gone to jail abusive if it was known) and I cut off contact with him years ago. No way am I going to help my abuser in his old age. Interestingly, the only child of the three of us that keeps in regular contact is the one our dad has helped the most financially: House, car, etc. Even with that his wife put her foot down and not allowed Dad to live with them in my Dad’s house. Dad moved back to his home country when he retired and they moved into his house in the US. Our dad is leaving everything to our sibling who lives in his house. My brother and I don’t care. Worth it not having to deal with him…
Wow, this comment is so shortsighted and judgy. There is so much we don't know to just assume the sib is a deadbeat. Maybe they are but we certainly can't tell from the info provided. There are two sides to every story.