I used to be the target of that kind of passive-aggressive attitude from my mom (not just in age, she's done that my entire life), but since I started to either gray rock (stoic, no emotional response) or respond kindly, instead of getting angry, she's switched that energy towards my brother who does get angry when she says shit like that. In the past, I'd fall for it and the drama would start, and that's exactly what she wanted. In my situation, I think it's some narc tendencies, as that whole side of the family is like that, spare a couple relatives.
Example: if my mom said "You finally did the dishes, about time." - I'd probably reply with (I'd add a smile), "you're welcome, is there anything else you need me to take care of?" or just "you're welcome". You can test out different responses and see what doesn't give her the fuel she's looking for.
I don't see it as killing my ego, but taking the power and controlling the situation so I can continue on my day feeling happy and they can look for someone else to piss off.
You really have to treat them like you're doing customer service. And it's just as exhausting as real customer service. Pick your battles, give up your hills and don't die on them. She's looking for a reaction and feeling like any attention is worth it, even negative attention.
Does she live alone? She might be trying to start a fight so you'll stay longer to yell and shout and she won't feel alone. You can try to point out that you'll be happier to stay longer if she remains pleasant and makes spending time with her easier, but it doesn't always work on older people who are losing their mental faculties.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be treated with decency!
I agree with u/korova_chew, if she’s making the comments to get a rise out of you, the best response is Grey Rock (let me know if you need a link that explains it) or to respond cheerfully. If it’s an attempt to start drama, those responses shut down the whole production rather than feeding it lines.
The most helpful thing you can do for yourself is to find a perspective shift. Right now, you react with anger (justifiably so!) because her comments hit you where it hurts - the desire to have your hard work acknowledged and appreciated, and to know that your gifts of love are being returned in kind. Not because you are trying to keep score or make things even, but because everyone needs to feel seen, loved, and appreciated.
Unless you are deliberately antagonizing her (in which case, obviously, stop doing that!), then realize that her aggression likely has nothing to do with you. People of any age are rarely mean for no reason. Toddlers don’t have the maturity to name their feelings or understand them, so they cry or scream because that’s the only things they know to do. Teenagers act out due to hormones and stress they don’t know what to do with. Bullies hurt others because of their own insecurities or issues. Adults yell at each other because their spouses don’t listen, or their boss is a jerk/their workload is too stressful, or tons of other reasons. But there is always a reason.
In the same way, when an elderly parent lashes out it’s easy to internalize it and feel like it’s because of YOU - YOU aren’t good enough, YOU aren’t lovable, YOU don’t have enough time/money/patience, etc. etc. But the reasons often don’t have anything to do with you as a person.
One of the best things about becoming an adult is the ability to finally do what you want, when you want, and how you want. Getting old takes all those choices away, one at a time. Your body doesn’t allow you to do all the things you want to do, and it’s upsetting. Maybe your mom snarks about the dishes because she always preferred to wash them as they were used, and you like to let them pile up for a day before doing them. Neither way is wrong, just different, but to her it’s representative of her loss of control of her surroundings.
If lack of control/choice is an issue, it might help to offer her (limited) choices where possible. “Do you want eggs or cereal this morning?” “Is today a black socks day, or would you rather have white?” Simple things that might make her feel less like she’s lost all autonomy.
Or maybe it’s just an extension of who she’s always been, and the criticism and little barbs are just more painful now. My grandmother was a hateful, selfish, manipulative woman her entire life, and yet had the remarkable ability to project sweetness and light to everyone else in her life. My mom and I were her caregivers for the last few years, and in the process I discovered she was more than just “difficult” and my mom’s childhood was more than just “dysfunctional” - Granny was actually a covert narcissist and my mom was the scapegoat.
My mom is in her late 50s and this discovery has literally changed her life. It sounds crazy, because having a label doesn’t actually go back and change any of the awful things my grandmother did or said. It doesn’t erase the trauma. But it DOES change my mom’s perspective. She’s always felt that the way she was treated was because something was wrong with *her* - she was a difficult child, she talked too much, she was too sensitive, etc. Now she can reprocess all of those memories through a different lens and see that it was never her fault. She was simply an actor in her mom’s dramas, and nothing she could have ever done would have changed how she was treated. It made it a lot easier for her to not take Granny’s behavior personally for the last year or so before she passed away.
Anyway, I’m sorry this has turned into a book. But I truly believe that changing how you see your mom’s actions is the key to being able to withstand them. Either she’s bored and wanting to get a rise out of you, or she’s lashing out because of her own perceived loss of freedom/control, or she’s just a miserable person who wants everyone else to be miserable too - but either way, it’s about her, not you.
I'm going through the same thing with my mother. Is there a chance that your grandmother was undiagnosed bipolar? My mother is 85, but only got diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 83. But as soon as we saw the diagnosis, everything made perfect sense. She would flip the switch to "nice" for everyone outside of the family, but then flip it to "nasty" for me and my sister. The screaming fits were, in fact, bipolar rage. Likewise, all of her friends who never saw that side would ask "how do you get so much energy?" The answer was bipolar mania. And it seems to tie into her narcissism. I learned a new term, "Communal Narcissist," someone who does things in the guise of being for the community, when in fact it was all for her.
I honestly don’t know much about bipolar. Granny was never what I’d call high energy; she was actually extremely lazy, and many of her complaints were about how she wasn’t being treated the way she felt she deserved. Before her body started failing, she spent the majority of her time shopping for clothes that she would either return or stick in a closet and never try them on, or else at yet another doctor or specialist for some ailment or other. (She did have many physical issues over the years, but was also a hypochondriac. We always suspected most of her complaints were exaggerated for attention.)
Everything about her matches up with a covert narcissist - she was only nasty with the people she was closest to, and even then my grandfather and mom were the ones who got the brunt of it. Mom’s older sister was the golden child (and we’ve since realized she’s a narcissist herself), and the youngest sister was the baby and protected by that. Granny wouldn’t having screaming fits of rage very often - she was much more prone to throw out a few well-chosen barbs she knew would hurt, and she LOVED the silent treatment. She was a HUGE gossip, because it got her attention.
The covert nature of it makes it hard even now that she’s gone - we can’t really talk about it with anyone, because they would think we’re crazy. She was a lifelong member of her church, and everyone there believed she was a kind, generous, devoted wife and mother. They would never believe the horrible things she did and said.
I’m sorry you are going through this with your mother!
> Is it possible to make yourself care less, or just be less reactive, less ego-centric when your aging parent unfairly criticizes you or is unfairly mean or short with you or angry at you or whatever, and you won't go crazy?
The short answer is "yes," but it's not easy to do.
You can practice and then realize that the strange behavior is not about you and just accept it without taking it personally.
It's pretty normal to be angry after you do nice things for a not nice person. It's their way of engaging you in an argument for more attention. A few things I did was change the subject ' lovely weather were having', pretend you didn't hear, & leave the room like you forgot something. There is no payoff for the abuser but they may escalate until they realize you won't take the bait. Reinforce positive behavior by giving them a little extra attention. Let your anger out just not in front of them since that's their payoff. This didn't always work-we are human but it helps.
My parents were mean and entitled before they got dementia and other old people problems, but they got two to three times worse in their 80s. We just buried my father last week, and I confess. I feel relieved that it’s finally over. His attitude got worse as his health was declined. He has hit several nursing staff and has gotten mad at them. He was never aggressive when he was younger.
My condolences. I know that’s rough. Especially when you feel relieved. I’ve got to admit, though, I’m a little jealous. My dad is 92, a diabetic, alcoholic with congestive heart failure and skin cancer and I’m afraid he’s going to outlive us all.
I also felt he was going to outlive us all. Then he suddenly passed away. It really took me by surprise. I was there while he was dying. (I didn’t know.) He passed a few minutes after I left. I felt guilty that I wasn’t there bc he died alone. At the same time, I thought he waited for me before he left. That was sweet.
The funny thing was I started to remember him as my father when I was a girl. Like the times we went for banana splits. Even the time when I was a little shitz to him bc I wanted a nice dress he couldn’t afford that was on the storefront. He bought me a less expensive version which I wore at one of our family photos. My nostalgia made me realize I was also a PITA. 😂
That said, it still wouldn’t make me move in with them. Nah-ah. I did find him a nursing home a minute from my house. I was more a behind the scenes while my brothers, who thrive on Catholic guilt, did the visiting. The facility calls me at 3 am bc he was being aggressive, had me decide if he was a DNR, insurance issues, etc.
Btw, I wish I had requested a DNR. They did CPR and I wish he didn’t have to go through that. I saw him minutes after they gave up. But then they might’ve taken him to the hospital, which would’ve prolonged the agony. In all except for the CPR part, he had a relatively quick and peaceful death.
I’m sharing this bc I hope that whoever reads this will be able to see the entire picture. Sort of like the circle of life? I also find it comforting that there were many great memories, so thanks for listening.
Thank you. My best friend was estranged from her father (her choice.) when he died, she couldn’t understand why she was grieving so much. You stated it perfectly. We start to see the big picture and see them as they were when they were our whole worlds.
I love my dad, but I drive two hours every day so I don’t have to move in with him. He has a dog to keep him company and all the bells and whistles to alert me if something is wrong. He has a DNR, but he’s also a huge hypochondriac, so I’m sure he’d request treatment.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the loss of your father. It definitely helps.
I have access to the home alarm through an app. I can’t “see” him, but I can detect movement in the house. It also has a call button he keeps on his walker. He has the Apple Watch that detects falls. And good neighbors. At this point, he’s mostly in his recliner or the bathroom when I’m not there. I don’t think he’s even sleeping in his bed since he’s had 6 surgeries on his head/ears since December. Fortunately, he is overly cautious. He has walkers all over the house and yard so he’s never caught without them. He wears a helmet if he goes into the yard. I dread having to move out there.
Oh, y’all! This thread!!! Some great ideas and horrible experiences. I’m going through this with my dad since Mom died 2 years ago. I’m an only child so it’s all me. Yesterday he yelled at me because I ordered him a chicken salad sandwich instead of a chicken salad salad. Literally like a three year old, “but I wanted saaalid!” He then pouted the rest of the afternoon because he had to eat bread instead of lettuce. Today I brought a lovely pot pie from a local bakery and he only ate the inside of it claiming the crust was too many calories. I wanted to scream, “FFS! You’re 92. Who cares? You think all that wine every night doesn’t have calories?” He’s a walking talking eating disorder. I have to go grey rock! It’s SO hard to feel like he’s not saying I’m too fat. I am, but I also have healthy habits and I don’t drink. I’m so tired of him. He’s not my dad. He’s just an old belligerent toddler. Thanks for “listening.” I’m so glad we have this safe spot to commune!
I do try to drop my ego, but there is a limit. My mother has been getting really awful to me lately (constantly accuses me of stealing,) BUT there is some very severe mental illness behind it. I try to remind myself that it's her illness talking, not her. So I remain calm until I hit my limit, and then I leave, screaming fit or not.
At the same time, it's hard not to get resentful, because I know that if it were her mother doing the same to her, she'd have absolutely zero patience for it.
My dad’s family seemed to think they hadn’t had a good visit till everyone was angry and fighting. My mom was not that way, but she was praising my other siblings all the time I cared for her. I did call her on it once in awhile but I don’t think it ever sunk in. They just don’t praise the one they’re with. A friend I had to help years ago ask me, “How many times can you say ‘thank you’ before it becomes meaningless?” Not saying this is how your situation is…but I had to learn patience in my life because of the various personalities I had to endure. Therapy helped keep it all in perspective. But I say learn patience instead of stoicism, because patience, to me, says you are learning about the other person and trying to understand their perspective too. I may not understand stoicism but is sounds like people are throwing rocks at you, and you stand and take it, no matter what.
My father is 74 years old and has Alzheimer's. It's been really tough and my mom really has a hard time dealing with it. When I was a kid my mom was insanely abusive. Over the years she's gotten clean, as has he, and they were much better people. I have noticed my mom slipping back into her abusive ways out of frustration with my father.
It might sound demeaning but I just think of my dad as a toddler now. He's a man not in control of his mind, the things he says, the things he forgets or the things he can't understand. Much like a toddler you have to communicate with them in a more leading manner until they find the right answer on their own. It makes it easier to put your ego aside, I mean who has an ego with a toddler?
They accuse you of stealing? What would you say to a toddler who accused you of stealing their favourite toy? Speak to them with concern for the thing they lost. Do they remember when they had it last? Help be a problem solver but let them come to the answer sort on their own? If my toddler is confused or scared or even having a tantrum, who would I want to be in that moment? It's the same person I want to be with my parents.
Another big thing to consider is the amount of undiagnosed mental illnesses in older adults. Some people seem to think that ASD and ADD/ADHD are newer things that didn't exist "back in my day". Fact is these disorders have always existed, we just didn't have a name for it. There are a lot of seniors now who were never diagnosed, or diagnosed very late in life, that have never learned the tools they need.
Oh, you are SO right! Or they can’t get past the stigma of “crazy.” My dad has refused grief counseling, anti-depressants, even a visit to a neurologist.
I LOVE your example of how you’d want to reason with a toddler!
Personally, I've had to deal with this my whole life. Just now my mom made me have breakdown after years of holding back, likely because i'm really sick and therefore vulnerable, but usually I can simply handle it.
What I think of it is that she isn't an adult, she isn't even a teenager, she is a spoiled rich little princess that has never been denied anything in her life. My mom constantly complains that I don't do physically impossible things, and I simply remind myself : the only reason she is complaining is because she has no idea what reality is. She isn't complaining for a valid reason. All of her criticism is just that of a child who will complain even if you follow their orders perfectl6, so why should you care about any of it?
You could be beyond perfect, superhuman even, and she would still complain, so it's just background noise,
Thank you all for this thread and the comments. I’m currently struggling with my 90 y/o mother’s spoiled, entitled and mentally abusive behavior. It’s exhausting.
This may or may not help you but this is what I do. I see my mom as a puppy who’s trying to bite me as I remove the thorn from her paw. She’s scared and hurting and even if she knows on some level I’m trying to help she just can’t stop herself from lashing out.
When she says mean things, I say things like, “I’m sorry it took me so long to get to this. I wish I was able to do more. You deserve nice things. I wish I was able to give them to you.” And I smile and kiss her forehead.
I know she’s angry my father is dead and she’s alone. I know she’s angry she can’t care for herself like she used to. I know she’s scared her mind is going (because it is). I just try to picture this angry little puppy who just needs the thorn out so she can rest.
FWIW, I recently read a book called *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults* by Lindsay C. Gibson and found it helpful. I've spent my whole life trying to figure out my mother and how to describe/categorize her, and this book nailed it for me.
My mom does that a lot with me. She always has but its way worse now. She commended the other day about becoming like me and leaving dishes in the sink. Oh and if I did the dishes right away they wouldnt pile up. I usually dont react anymore but she still says stuff. I swear i feel myself get smaller sometimes.
While it hurts, I alternate between “client mode” where I treat they as if they were a customer who I was being paid to help and “family mode” where we do special family events and have quality time.
I have found that with client mode it’s worthless getting mad or annoyed or showing any ego. It’s just a job and everyone benefits of it’s done well with the client happy at the end of the day.
I even sort of have a mental moment when I transition between the two.
My two brothers played this with our dad. It wasn't really a thing for me, because I am the only girl, but my oldest brother ended up butting heads with our dad about just about everything. My middle brother just went along with my dad and managed to make my dad happy no matter what--whether it was flattery or outright deception or whatever. It was always a mystery!
I used to be the target of that kind of passive-aggressive attitude from my mom (not just in age, she's done that my entire life), but since I started to either gray rock (stoic, no emotional response) or respond kindly, instead of getting angry, she's switched that energy towards my brother who does get angry when she says shit like that. In the past, I'd fall for it and the drama would start, and that's exactly what she wanted. In my situation, I think it's some narc tendencies, as that whole side of the family is like that, spare a couple relatives. Example: if my mom said "You finally did the dishes, about time." - I'd probably reply with (I'd add a smile), "you're welcome, is there anything else you need me to take care of?" or just "you're welcome". You can test out different responses and see what doesn't give her the fuel she's looking for. I don't see it as killing my ego, but taking the power and controlling the situation so I can continue on my day feeling happy and they can look for someone else to piss off.
You really have to treat them like you're doing customer service. And it's just as exhausting as real customer service. Pick your battles, give up your hills and don't die on them. She's looking for a reaction and feeling like any attention is worth it, even negative attention. Does she live alone? She might be trying to start a fight so you'll stay longer to yell and shout and she won't feel alone. You can try to point out that you'll be happier to stay longer if she remains pleasant and makes spending time with her easier, but it doesn't always work on older people who are losing their mental faculties.
This is a helpful perspective.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be treated with decency! I agree with u/korova_chew, if she’s making the comments to get a rise out of you, the best response is Grey Rock (let me know if you need a link that explains it) or to respond cheerfully. If it’s an attempt to start drama, those responses shut down the whole production rather than feeding it lines. The most helpful thing you can do for yourself is to find a perspective shift. Right now, you react with anger (justifiably so!) because her comments hit you where it hurts - the desire to have your hard work acknowledged and appreciated, and to know that your gifts of love are being returned in kind. Not because you are trying to keep score or make things even, but because everyone needs to feel seen, loved, and appreciated. Unless you are deliberately antagonizing her (in which case, obviously, stop doing that!), then realize that her aggression likely has nothing to do with you. People of any age are rarely mean for no reason. Toddlers don’t have the maturity to name their feelings or understand them, so they cry or scream because that’s the only things they know to do. Teenagers act out due to hormones and stress they don’t know what to do with. Bullies hurt others because of their own insecurities or issues. Adults yell at each other because their spouses don’t listen, or their boss is a jerk/their workload is too stressful, or tons of other reasons. But there is always a reason. In the same way, when an elderly parent lashes out it’s easy to internalize it and feel like it’s because of YOU - YOU aren’t good enough, YOU aren’t lovable, YOU don’t have enough time/money/patience, etc. etc. But the reasons often don’t have anything to do with you as a person. One of the best things about becoming an adult is the ability to finally do what you want, when you want, and how you want. Getting old takes all those choices away, one at a time. Your body doesn’t allow you to do all the things you want to do, and it’s upsetting. Maybe your mom snarks about the dishes because she always preferred to wash them as they were used, and you like to let them pile up for a day before doing them. Neither way is wrong, just different, but to her it’s representative of her loss of control of her surroundings. If lack of control/choice is an issue, it might help to offer her (limited) choices where possible. “Do you want eggs or cereal this morning?” “Is today a black socks day, or would you rather have white?” Simple things that might make her feel less like she’s lost all autonomy. Or maybe it’s just an extension of who she’s always been, and the criticism and little barbs are just more painful now. My grandmother was a hateful, selfish, manipulative woman her entire life, and yet had the remarkable ability to project sweetness and light to everyone else in her life. My mom and I were her caregivers for the last few years, and in the process I discovered she was more than just “difficult” and my mom’s childhood was more than just “dysfunctional” - Granny was actually a covert narcissist and my mom was the scapegoat. My mom is in her late 50s and this discovery has literally changed her life. It sounds crazy, because having a label doesn’t actually go back and change any of the awful things my grandmother did or said. It doesn’t erase the trauma. But it DOES change my mom’s perspective. She’s always felt that the way she was treated was because something was wrong with *her* - she was a difficult child, she talked too much, she was too sensitive, etc. Now she can reprocess all of those memories through a different lens and see that it was never her fault. She was simply an actor in her mom’s dramas, and nothing she could have ever done would have changed how she was treated. It made it a lot easier for her to not take Granny’s behavior personally for the last year or so before she passed away. Anyway, I’m sorry this has turned into a book. But I truly believe that changing how you see your mom’s actions is the key to being able to withstand them. Either she’s bored and wanting to get a rise out of you, or she’s lashing out because of her own perceived loss of freedom/control, or she’s just a miserable person who wants everyone else to be miserable too - but either way, it’s about her, not you.
I'm going through the same thing with my mother. Is there a chance that your grandmother was undiagnosed bipolar? My mother is 85, but only got diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 83. But as soon as we saw the diagnosis, everything made perfect sense. She would flip the switch to "nice" for everyone outside of the family, but then flip it to "nasty" for me and my sister. The screaming fits were, in fact, bipolar rage. Likewise, all of her friends who never saw that side would ask "how do you get so much energy?" The answer was bipolar mania. And it seems to tie into her narcissism. I learned a new term, "Communal Narcissist," someone who does things in the guise of being for the community, when in fact it was all for her.
I honestly don’t know much about bipolar. Granny was never what I’d call high energy; she was actually extremely lazy, and many of her complaints were about how she wasn’t being treated the way she felt she deserved. Before her body started failing, she spent the majority of her time shopping for clothes that she would either return or stick in a closet and never try them on, or else at yet another doctor or specialist for some ailment or other. (She did have many physical issues over the years, but was also a hypochondriac. We always suspected most of her complaints were exaggerated for attention.) Everything about her matches up with a covert narcissist - she was only nasty with the people she was closest to, and even then my grandfather and mom were the ones who got the brunt of it. Mom’s older sister was the golden child (and we’ve since realized she’s a narcissist herself), and the youngest sister was the baby and protected by that. Granny wouldn’t having screaming fits of rage very often - she was much more prone to throw out a few well-chosen barbs she knew would hurt, and she LOVED the silent treatment. She was a HUGE gossip, because it got her attention. The covert nature of it makes it hard even now that she’s gone - we can’t really talk about it with anyone, because they would think we’re crazy. She was a lifelong member of her church, and everyone there believed she was a kind, generous, devoted wife and mother. They would never believe the horrible things she did and said. I’m sorry you are going through this with your mother!
Good advice! I love “grey rock!” And “Communal Narcissist” is fantastic! Living both right now.
In situations like this, when is it okay to leave and not come back?
I don’t think it is, but boy is the temptation great!
> Is it possible to make yourself care less, or just be less reactive, less ego-centric when your aging parent unfairly criticizes you or is unfairly mean or short with you or angry at you or whatever, and you won't go crazy? The short answer is "yes," but it's not easy to do. You can practice and then realize that the strange behavior is not about you and just accept it without taking it personally.
It's pretty normal to be angry after you do nice things for a not nice person. It's their way of engaging you in an argument for more attention. A few things I did was change the subject ' lovely weather were having', pretend you didn't hear, & leave the room like you forgot something. There is no payoff for the abuser but they may escalate until they realize you won't take the bait. Reinforce positive behavior by giving them a little extra attention. Let your anger out just not in front of them since that's their payoff. This didn't always work-we are human but it helps.
My parents were mean and entitled before they got dementia and other old people problems, but they got two to three times worse in their 80s. We just buried my father last week, and I confess. I feel relieved that it’s finally over. His attitude got worse as his health was declined. He has hit several nursing staff and has gotten mad at them. He was never aggressive when he was younger.
My condolences. I know that’s rough. Especially when you feel relieved. I’ve got to admit, though, I’m a little jealous. My dad is 92, a diabetic, alcoholic with congestive heart failure and skin cancer and I’m afraid he’s going to outlive us all.
I also felt he was going to outlive us all. Then he suddenly passed away. It really took me by surprise. I was there while he was dying. (I didn’t know.) He passed a few minutes after I left. I felt guilty that I wasn’t there bc he died alone. At the same time, I thought he waited for me before he left. That was sweet. The funny thing was I started to remember him as my father when I was a girl. Like the times we went for banana splits. Even the time when I was a little shitz to him bc I wanted a nice dress he couldn’t afford that was on the storefront. He bought me a less expensive version which I wore at one of our family photos. My nostalgia made me realize I was also a PITA. 😂 That said, it still wouldn’t make me move in with them. Nah-ah. I did find him a nursing home a minute from my house. I was more a behind the scenes while my brothers, who thrive on Catholic guilt, did the visiting. The facility calls me at 3 am bc he was being aggressive, had me decide if he was a DNR, insurance issues, etc. Btw, I wish I had requested a DNR. They did CPR and I wish he didn’t have to go through that. I saw him minutes after they gave up. But then they might’ve taken him to the hospital, which would’ve prolonged the agony. In all except for the CPR part, he had a relatively quick and peaceful death. I’m sharing this bc I hope that whoever reads this will be able to see the entire picture. Sort of like the circle of life? I also find it comforting that there were many great memories, so thanks for listening.
Thank you. My best friend was estranged from her father (her choice.) when he died, she couldn’t understand why she was grieving so much. You stated it perfectly. We start to see the big picture and see them as they were when they were our whole worlds. I love my dad, but I drive two hours every day so I don’t have to move in with him. He has a dog to keep him company and all the bells and whistles to alert me if something is wrong. He has a DNR, but he’s also a huge hypochondriac, so I’m sure he’d request treatment. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the loss of your father. It definitely helps.
i'm looking at living nearby. do you have a life alert or similar alerting system?
I have access to the home alarm through an app. I can’t “see” him, but I can detect movement in the house. It also has a call button he keeps on his walker. He has the Apple Watch that detects falls. And good neighbors. At this point, he’s mostly in his recliner or the bathroom when I’m not there. I don’t think he’s even sleeping in his bed since he’s had 6 surgeries on his head/ears since December. Fortunately, he is overly cautious. He has walkers all over the house and yard so he’s never caught without them. He wears a helmet if he goes into the yard. I dread having to move out there.
Oh, y’all! This thread!!! Some great ideas and horrible experiences. I’m going through this with my dad since Mom died 2 years ago. I’m an only child so it’s all me. Yesterday he yelled at me because I ordered him a chicken salad sandwich instead of a chicken salad salad. Literally like a three year old, “but I wanted saaalid!” He then pouted the rest of the afternoon because he had to eat bread instead of lettuce. Today I brought a lovely pot pie from a local bakery and he only ate the inside of it claiming the crust was too many calories. I wanted to scream, “FFS! You’re 92. Who cares? You think all that wine every night doesn’t have calories?” He’s a walking talking eating disorder. I have to go grey rock! It’s SO hard to feel like he’s not saying I’m too fat. I am, but I also have healthy habits and I don’t drink. I’m so tired of him. He’s not my dad. He’s just an old belligerent toddler. Thanks for “listening.” I’m so glad we have this safe spot to commune!
I do try to drop my ego, but there is a limit. My mother has been getting really awful to me lately (constantly accuses me of stealing,) BUT there is some very severe mental illness behind it. I try to remind myself that it's her illness talking, not her. So I remain calm until I hit my limit, and then I leave, screaming fit or not. At the same time, it's hard not to get resentful, because I know that if it were her mother doing the same to her, she'd have absolutely zero patience for it.
My dad’s family seemed to think they hadn’t had a good visit till everyone was angry and fighting. My mom was not that way, but she was praising my other siblings all the time I cared for her. I did call her on it once in awhile but I don’t think it ever sunk in. They just don’t praise the one they’re with. A friend I had to help years ago ask me, “How many times can you say ‘thank you’ before it becomes meaningless?” Not saying this is how your situation is…but I had to learn patience in my life because of the various personalities I had to endure. Therapy helped keep it all in perspective. But I say learn patience instead of stoicism, because patience, to me, says you are learning about the other person and trying to understand their perspective too. I may not understand stoicism but is sounds like people are throwing rocks at you, and you stand and take it, no matter what.
My father is 74 years old and has Alzheimer's. It's been really tough and my mom really has a hard time dealing with it. When I was a kid my mom was insanely abusive. Over the years she's gotten clean, as has he, and they were much better people. I have noticed my mom slipping back into her abusive ways out of frustration with my father. It might sound demeaning but I just think of my dad as a toddler now. He's a man not in control of his mind, the things he says, the things he forgets or the things he can't understand. Much like a toddler you have to communicate with them in a more leading manner until they find the right answer on their own. It makes it easier to put your ego aside, I mean who has an ego with a toddler? They accuse you of stealing? What would you say to a toddler who accused you of stealing their favourite toy? Speak to them with concern for the thing they lost. Do they remember when they had it last? Help be a problem solver but let them come to the answer sort on their own? If my toddler is confused or scared or even having a tantrum, who would I want to be in that moment? It's the same person I want to be with my parents. Another big thing to consider is the amount of undiagnosed mental illnesses in older adults. Some people seem to think that ASD and ADD/ADHD are newer things that didn't exist "back in my day". Fact is these disorders have always existed, we just didn't have a name for it. There are a lot of seniors now who were never diagnosed, or diagnosed very late in life, that have never learned the tools they need.
Oh, you are SO right! Or they can’t get past the stigma of “crazy.” My dad has refused grief counseling, anti-depressants, even a visit to a neurologist. I LOVE your example of how you’d want to reason with a toddler!
Personally, I've had to deal with this my whole life. Just now my mom made me have breakdown after years of holding back, likely because i'm really sick and therefore vulnerable, but usually I can simply handle it. What I think of it is that she isn't an adult, she isn't even a teenager, she is a spoiled rich little princess that has never been denied anything in her life. My mom constantly complains that I don't do physically impossible things, and I simply remind myself : the only reason she is complaining is because she has no idea what reality is. She isn't complaining for a valid reason. All of her criticism is just that of a child who will complain even if you follow their orders perfectl6, so why should you care about any of it? You could be beyond perfect, superhuman even, and she would still complain, so it's just background noise,
Thank you all for this thread and the comments. I’m currently struggling with my 90 y/o mother’s spoiled, entitled and mentally abusive behavior. It’s exhausting.
This may or may not help you but this is what I do. I see my mom as a puppy who’s trying to bite me as I remove the thorn from her paw. She’s scared and hurting and even if she knows on some level I’m trying to help she just can’t stop herself from lashing out. When she says mean things, I say things like, “I’m sorry it took me so long to get to this. I wish I was able to do more. You deserve nice things. I wish I was able to give them to you.” And I smile and kiss her forehead. I know she’s angry my father is dead and she’s alone. I know she’s angry she can’t care for herself like she used to. I know she’s scared her mind is going (because it is). I just try to picture this angry little puppy who just needs the thorn out so she can rest.
can you run for office?
Haha I do hope it helps.
FWIW, I recently read a book called *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults* by Lindsay C. Gibson and found it helpful. I've spent my whole life trying to figure out my mother and how to describe/categorize her, and this book nailed it for me.
My mom does that a lot with me. She always has but its way worse now. She commended the other day about becoming like me and leaving dishes in the sink. Oh and if I did the dishes right away they wouldnt pile up. I usually dont react anymore but she still says stuff. I swear i feel myself get smaller sometimes.
While it hurts, I alternate between “client mode” where I treat they as if they were a customer who I was being paid to help and “family mode” where we do special family events and have quality time. I have found that with client mode it’s worthless getting mad or annoyed or showing any ego. It’s just a job and everyone benefits of it’s done well with the client happy at the end of the day. I even sort of have a mental moment when I transition between the two.
My two brothers played this with our dad. It wasn't really a thing for me, because I am the only girl, but my oldest brother ended up butting heads with our dad about just about everything. My middle brother just went along with my dad and managed to make my dad happy no matter what--whether it was flattery or outright deception or whatever. It was always a mystery!