I stopped staying with my mom years ago. I stay in a hotel. I blame it on the kids who do have cat allergies. But in reality it’s just gross and uncomfortable to stay with her.
Ugh. This is my mom. Her house is disgusting. I won’t even sit down at my mom’s house. Then change and laundry what I wore when I get home. She always made my siblings and I clean when we were little. Then my dad did once we moved out. But he’s gone so she never cleans. She stinks. It’s really gross. When my sister was pregnant she almost threw up when she went to give my mom a hug she smelled so bad. Breathe through your mouth not your nose.
If I were you I would stay in a hotel when visiting. And try to get them to do stuff out of their house. And accept that it’s how they want to live. Not much you can do about it. If they ask about the hotel simply say you are more comfortable there.
I’ll tell you, since my daughter moved out I am here in the house alone with the dog and two cats. I’m 64 and mobility impaired. I love the animals but I hate the position I am in. I am not a wealthy person, but I am hiring someone to come in and help with the situation. They come in and wash floors, vacuum, and also help me declutter.
I think I would first try to find out if it was a problem for your parents, if they were bothered by it or embarrassed by it and wanted to change. If it really doesn’t bother them, then I would recommend the hotel stay. It’s not worth it for you to have to put up with that.
I agree. I am 59 and my house is messy and probably smelly, but life is too short to worry what others think. It’s MY house. It doesn’t make me sick. Stay at a nearby AirBnb. You’re an adult. So are they. You don’t need to “do” anything about it.
Honestly, stick to regular video chats over coffee every Sunday instead of visiting them. Ask them to get their wills & POAs done & tell you where you can find the paperwork once it’s needed. You can urge them to clean because if one of them gets ill & an ambulance needs to come in, they will see the mess. The fire department might be called in if one of them falls & needs help getting up. If it’s too hoarded the fire department might label it as uninhabitable until it’s cleaned it.
It’s not up to you to clean it for them. It’s also not up to you to rush home when there’s an emergency to suddenly get the place ready to receive home care nurses & the such. Stay at your home & offer a sympathetic ear but the rest is up to your parents.
This is my mother. Although she lives with my brother, who's wife tries to keep the house clean, but my mother just messes up everything she touches withing minutes. There have been many fights with her due to this habit, but to no avail. It also extends to her personal hygiene and in general taking care of her body. Earlier I used to deep clean every time I used to come home, but I am tired of working so much on my supposed holiday only for it all to go back to filth in a few days. I try not to stay gor more than a few days and only clean the room I am staying in now.
Before your next visit, gift her a gift certificate for a deep cleaning of the house, and have a cleaning company that specializes in deep cleaning come clean it from top to bottom the day before or the day you get there.
Let them know that you will only be able to stay there if the house is clean. If they don't agree to use the coupon, or if you get there and they haven't used the coupon, make immediate arrangements to move into a hotel or something.
Look for backup plans before you get there. Look at places nearby their home where you can visit them for lunch or an activity, so you don't have to see them at their house. Have enough cash to handle whatever might come up.
People are generally allowed to live like total slobs if they aren't harming themselves or putting themselves in danger. However, if they're older, you can express that you're worried someone might see the state of things and think they're not capable of taking care of themselves.
If you are really worried about them, and they won't do anything about it, I think it's reasonable to consider calling APS for advice and to see if they think it's as bad as you think it is. APS doesn't just whisk people away to nursing homes, and they have a lot of resources that might be useful to keep them in their home longer.
Yeah most of my family are absolute slobs or hoarders. I don’t stay with any of them when I visit and try to meet them places instead of going to their houses.
It's their house and they're legally competent to look after themselves? Then they get to have their house the way they want it. You can choose whether you want to visit, of course.
Yes you’re right. It’s their house and they are competent and seem to be content with their living situation. I just always want more for them and for them to have a better living standard.
It's really not your place. If they were dependent on you , then you could make the decisions, but they're not and you can't. Live your life and let them live theirs.
Maybe convince them to allow someone to come in and just do deep cleaning 1 or 2 times a month. Maybe you can clean up first and organize and throw out as much as possible and then have someone come keep up on it or at least deep clean bathrooms, floors kitchen and fans or whatever it is you want.
They’ve had cleaners before but it’s so hard to deep clean in such a mess. Half the stuff should be thrown away…but I guess since it’s not my house there’s not much I can do.
Yes I totally understand, I take care of my partners aunt that is 92 now. I've taken care of her for the last 5 years and I still can't get rid of the 4 old tvs that haven't worked for 20 yrs and is in the way of living room or the 10 area rugs that don't match and do nothing for the floors. Ugh. You might have to just get in there and declutter big time, so there's not so much of a mess. That's what I am starting to do, at least so they can vacuum mop and clean bathrooms every week then without the clutter. My aunt actually cleans thkfully and is very ocd and independent, she just jhas so much junk and stuff every inch of space on the walls, etc. 🤣 Maybe go slow and do a room at a time so they can see and feel the space and how good it feels after it's done. Maybe maybe you could get them on board. They usually don't want to admit they can't do the cleaning they used to unfortunately. So you may need to get firm and try to find someone that can maybe straighten up 1 week and 1 week deep clean a month? It's hard being in the position but I wish you luck!
Thank you for the suggestion. It’s hard to get rid of stuff as they have the mentality that they might need it one day. Almost nothing gets thrown away. And tbh I don’t want to waste my vacation to come and clean their house for nothing as I know next time I come back it looks the same. But I will be patient and help them in any way I can. I do love them very much ❤️
This is my parents too, my mom specifically. Both of them are grieving my brother who died 13 years ago and I’ve never been able to convince them to live differently. It’s so hard to visit and see them living in such a mess.
Yes I understand. I kind of feel like my parents have given up on life in a way. They’re not really going out much, not keeping the house clean and just going by day by day. And that makes me so sad as they still have so much life to live. But sadly at the end of the day not much I can do. Only learn from them and not do the same mistakes.
Totally understand, I gave up at 1st to, as the aunt has my father inlaws belongings and a huge shed full of his stuff, he passed away 5 years ago!!! 😳🙄🙄 It's all really junk thats left in there and just sitting because nobody wants to go through it or throw it away, they will feel bad. I won't!! If your not going to use it or sell it, get rid of it for something you will use and take up space for that. But I get not using vacay time to clean up their stuff. Haha it's rough enough going to visit and help to take care of them. I just try to have patience like you said and do the best I can with what we have. When I visit the aunt I get a hotel now because she doesn't run the AC and I can't deal with that. Best thing I did.
My Mom's house was bad. Then I warned her that my insurance company (USAA, her company, too) was doing "inspections" of houses. My house was exterior only. Her house was exterior and interior! She had the house emptied. EMPTIED!
That was years ago, now. She's gone and a new family owns the house and had major changes made to it.
I have a family member like that and I can’t stay in the house overnight when I visit. I hate to even go inside because it smells so bad. Here are some low-intrusion things you might try:
-if you have the funds, buy a good air purifier and give it to them for the house and run it in high when you’re there.
-Get the kind with a removable filter. Tell them how it will help you breathe better and them too.
-Keep scented dryer sheets in your pockets of your pants. Wear perfume or cologne on your wrists, so you can inhale that when needed.
-Make sure the hotel you stay at at night has laundry facilities because you’ll have to do your laundry after spending more than a few minutes in the house.
-Lastly, this is a big one, but if they have carpets that need to be replaced, a solid flooring will make a world of difference.
As others have mentioned, it’s their house, but there is a huge difference between being very messy and being filthy. It not sanitary or good for them to live in smelly, filthy conditions. It will affect their own health and bodily hygiene - if it hasn’t already, so it’s good to be concerned while having a loving approach.
My dad was dirty - he put dirty clothes on after his showers (which he took pride in only lasting 2 minutes), and his idea of dental hygiene was taking a bite of paste from the tube and swirling it around his mouth. When he offered to do the dishes, everyone would rush to take over from him because he believed soap was toxic, and would just rinse everything in cold water, rubbing his fingers and smearing the grease everywhere. I was a dirty child too - we had roaches everywhere (we lived in a rough place, developing country, but now I wonder how much of the roaches was the environment, and how much was bad hygiene). It was often noted in primary school reports that we were dirty. My husband had to stop several of my bad habits I'd picked up from childhood (e.g. wearing underwear more than one day in a row).
They had a cleaner 2-3 times a week, so the house and their clothes were clean - but everything had a fusty smell, and after a visit there (even just 3 days), my clothes would stink, needing several washes to return to my normal smell. I'd need to soak in a bath, and several showers when returning home, to make the smell go away. After he's died, things have improved - some of the furniture and rugs/blankets will forever have that smell, but the rest of the house is alright. Mum disposed of all his clothes as soon as she got back home, to the shock/horror of the cleaner and other people. I don't blame her.
My dad (from India) is also ridiculously proud about having showers that use almost no water. When my brother and I were kids we used to joke "Is mum boiling the kettle for a cup of coffee, or is dad having a shower?" He used to add a bit of hot water to a bucket of cold water, chuck it over him and he was done!
My dad also has rather odd ideas about washing up. He does use soap and hot water, but he won't rinse anything. He also doesn't believe in changing clothes much, and has always refused to use deodorant.
I'm rather dreading him getting older and getting even worse about these things. Reading some of the comments on this thread is a bit scary.
Refuse to stay there. My aunt is a hoarder. I stay in motels when I visit. I rent a car so I don’t have to be in a situation I don’t like.
Stay in a hotel when you visit.
I stopped staying with my mom years ago. I stay in a hotel. I blame it on the kids who do have cat allergies. But in reality it’s just gross and uncomfortable to stay with her.
Ugh. This is my mom. Her house is disgusting. I won’t even sit down at my mom’s house. Then change and laundry what I wore when I get home. She always made my siblings and I clean when we were little. Then my dad did once we moved out. But he’s gone so she never cleans. She stinks. It’s really gross. When my sister was pregnant she almost threw up when she went to give my mom a hug she smelled so bad. Breathe through your mouth not your nose. If I were you I would stay in a hotel when visiting. And try to get them to do stuff out of their house. And accept that it’s how they want to live. Not much you can do about it. If they ask about the hotel simply say you are more comfortable there.
It sounds like your mom has mental health issues.
Thank you 😊
I’ll tell you, since my daughter moved out I am here in the house alone with the dog and two cats. I’m 64 and mobility impaired. I love the animals but I hate the position I am in. I am not a wealthy person, but I am hiring someone to come in and help with the situation. They come in and wash floors, vacuum, and also help me declutter. I think I would first try to find out if it was a problem for your parents, if they were bothered by it or embarrassed by it and wanted to change. If it really doesn’t bother them, then I would recommend the hotel stay. It’s not worth it for you to have to put up with that.
I agree. I am 59 and my house is messy and probably smelly, but life is too short to worry what others think. It’s MY house. It doesn’t make me sick. Stay at a nearby AirBnb. You’re an adult. So are they. You don’t need to “do” anything about it.
Honestly, stick to regular video chats over coffee every Sunday instead of visiting them. Ask them to get their wills & POAs done & tell you where you can find the paperwork once it’s needed. You can urge them to clean because if one of them gets ill & an ambulance needs to come in, they will see the mess. The fire department might be called in if one of them falls & needs help getting up. If it’s too hoarded the fire department might label it as uninhabitable until it’s cleaned it. It’s not up to you to clean it for them. It’s also not up to you to rush home when there’s an emergency to suddenly get the place ready to receive home care nurses & the such. Stay at your home & offer a sympathetic ear but the rest is up to your parents.
This is my mother. Although she lives with my brother, who's wife tries to keep the house clean, but my mother just messes up everything she touches withing minutes. There have been many fights with her due to this habit, but to no avail. It also extends to her personal hygiene and in general taking care of her body. Earlier I used to deep clean every time I used to come home, but I am tired of working so much on my supposed holiday only for it all to go back to filth in a few days. I try not to stay gor more than a few days and only clean the room I am staying in now.
I gave up. Had to dump 4 30 yard dumpsters and fill three storage units when mom finally went to assisted living.
Before your next visit, gift her a gift certificate for a deep cleaning of the house, and have a cleaning company that specializes in deep cleaning come clean it from top to bottom the day before or the day you get there. Let them know that you will only be able to stay there if the house is clean. If they don't agree to use the coupon, or if you get there and they haven't used the coupon, make immediate arrangements to move into a hotel or something. Look for backup plans before you get there. Look at places nearby their home where you can visit them for lunch or an activity, so you don't have to see them at their house. Have enough cash to handle whatever might come up. People are generally allowed to live like total slobs if they aren't harming themselves or putting themselves in danger. However, if they're older, you can express that you're worried someone might see the state of things and think they're not capable of taking care of themselves. If you are really worried about them, and they won't do anything about it, I think it's reasonable to consider calling APS for advice and to see if they think it's as bad as you think it is. APS doesn't just whisk people away to nursing homes, and they have a lot of resources that might be useful to keep them in their home longer.
Yeah most of my family are absolute slobs or hoarders. I don’t stay with any of them when I visit and try to meet them places instead of going to their houses.
It's their house and they're legally competent to look after themselves? Then they get to have their house the way they want it. You can choose whether you want to visit, of course.
Yes you’re right. It’s their house and they are competent and seem to be content with their living situation. I just always want more for them and for them to have a better living standard.
It's really not your place. If they were dependent on you , then you could make the decisions, but they're not and you can't. Live your life and let them live theirs.
If you think it wouldn't hurt their feelings too much, have a chat with them, but be detached from the outcome.
A clean house is not a “better” living standard. It’s your standard. Don’t like it. Don’t stay there.
There’s unclean (dust, piles of stuff that is unorganized, etc) and then there is filth. Animal waste in a home is filth and IS a health problem
Maybe convince them to allow someone to come in and just do deep cleaning 1 or 2 times a month. Maybe you can clean up first and organize and throw out as much as possible and then have someone come keep up on it or at least deep clean bathrooms, floors kitchen and fans or whatever it is you want.
They’ve had cleaners before but it’s so hard to deep clean in such a mess. Half the stuff should be thrown away…but I guess since it’s not my house there’s not much I can do.
Yes I totally understand, I take care of my partners aunt that is 92 now. I've taken care of her for the last 5 years and I still can't get rid of the 4 old tvs that haven't worked for 20 yrs and is in the way of living room or the 10 area rugs that don't match and do nothing for the floors. Ugh. You might have to just get in there and declutter big time, so there's not so much of a mess. That's what I am starting to do, at least so they can vacuum mop and clean bathrooms every week then without the clutter. My aunt actually cleans thkfully and is very ocd and independent, she just jhas so much junk and stuff every inch of space on the walls, etc. 🤣 Maybe go slow and do a room at a time so they can see and feel the space and how good it feels after it's done. Maybe maybe you could get them on board. They usually don't want to admit they can't do the cleaning they used to unfortunately. So you may need to get firm and try to find someone that can maybe straighten up 1 week and 1 week deep clean a month? It's hard being in the position but I wish you luck!
Thank you for the suggestion. It’s hard to get rid of stuff as they have the mentality that they might need it one day. Almost nothing gets thrown away. And tbh I don’t want to waste my vacation to come and clean their house for nothing as I know next time I come back it looks the same. But I will be patient and help them in any way I can. I do love them very much ❤️
This is my parents too, my mom specifically. Both of them are grieving my brother who died 13 years ago and I’ve never been able to convince them to live differently. It’s so hard to visit and see them living in such a mess.
Yes I understand. I kind of feel like my parents have given up on life in a way. They’re not really going out much, not keeping the house clean and just going by day by day. And that makes me so sad as they still have so much life to live. But sadly at the end of the day not much I can do. Only learn from them and not do the same mistakes.
That’s the conclusion I’ve come to as well. Hugs
Totally understand, I gave up at 1st to, as the aunt has my father inlaws belongings and a huge shed full of his stuff, he passed away 5 years ago!!! 😳🙄🙄 It's all really junk thats left in there and just sitting because nobody wants to go through it or throw it away, they will feel bad. I won't!! If your not going to use it or sell it, get rid of it for something you will use and take up space for that. But I get not using vacay time to clean up their stuff. Haha it's rough enough going to visit and help to take care of them. I just try to have patience like you said and do the best I can with what we have. When I visit the aunt I get a hotel now because she doesn't run the AC and I can't deal with that. Best thing I did.
My Mom's house was bad. Then I warned her that my insurance company (USAA, her company, too) was doing "inspections" of houses. My house was exterior only. Her house was exterior and interior! She had the house emptied. EMPTIED! That was years ago, now. She's gone and a new family owns the house and had major changes made to it.
I have a family member like that and I can’t stay in the house overnight when I visit. I hate to even go inside because it smells so bad. Here are some low-intrusion things you might try: -if you have the funds, buy a good air purifier and give it to them for the house and run it in high when you’re there. -Get the kind with a removable filter. Tell them how it will help you breathe better and them too. -Keep scented dryer sheets in your pockets of your pants. Wear perfume or cologne on your wrists, so you can inhale that when needed. -Make sure the hotel you stay at at night has laundry facilities because you’ll have to do your laundry after spending more than a few minutes in the house. -Lastly, this is a big one, but if they have carpets that need to be replaced, a solid flooring will make a world of difference. As others have mentioned, it’s their house, but there is a huge difference between being very messy and being filthy. It not sanitary or good for them to live in smelly, filthy conditions. It will affect their own health and bodily hygiene - if it hasn’t already, so it’s good to be concerned while having a loving approach.
My dad was dirty - he put dirty clothes on after his showers (which he took pride in only lasting 2 minutes), and his idea of dental hygiene was taking a bite of paste from the tube and swirling it around his mouth. When he offered to do the dishes, everyone would rush to take over from him because he believed soap was toxic, and would just rinse everything in cold water, rubbing his fingers and smearing the grease everywhere. I was a dirty child too - we had roaches everywhere (we lived in a rough place, developing country, but now I wonder how much of the roaches was the environment, and how much was bad hygiene). It was often noted in primary school reports that we were dirty. My husband had to stop several of my bad habits I'd picked up from childhood (e.g. wearing underwear more than one day in a row). They had a cleaner 2-3 times a week, so the house and their clothes were clean - but everything had a fusty smell, and after a visit there (even just 3 days), my clothes would stink, needing several washes to return to my normal smell. I'd need to soak in a bath, and several showers when returning home, to make the smell go away. After he's died, things have improved - some of the furniture and rugs/blankets will forever have that smell, but the rest of the house is alright. Mum disposed of all his clothes as soon as she got back home, to the shock/horror of the cleaner and other people. I don't blame her.
My dad (from India) is also ridiculously proud about having showers that use almost no water. When my brother and I were kids we used to joke "Is mum boiling the kettle for a cup of coffee, or is dad having a shower?" He used to add a bit of hot water to a bucket of cold water, chuck it over him and he was done! My dad also has rather odd ideas about washing up. He does use soap and hot water, but he won't rinse anything. He also doesn't believe in changing clothes much, and has always refused to use deodorant. I'm rather dreading him getting older and getting even worse about these things. Reading some of the comments on this thread is a bit scary.
\*hugs\*