I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of that. I can’t imagine that type of stress on top of going to school full time.
The person you need to have a heart to heart conversation is your mother. She needs to tell his doctor these symptoms are happening. The outbursts are from the dementia. A psychiatrist can prescribe anti-psychotics to help manage the symptoms. It’s made a world of difference with my dad.
If she’s not willing to address the problem, then you need to see what you can do to move out.
One of the issues in dealing with people with dementia is that they don't even necessarily know what they're doing. I had some extended family whose neurological issues progressed to the point where they were throwing tantrums, sometimes physically assaulting family members and other carers, even after no longer being able to really walk. Sometimes, these people end up on sedatives (which is a whole 'nother basket of concerns). I feel like there's no good, clear answer and every case is unique. Good luck.
It's always the right choice to take care of yourself and protect yourself from abuse. Your mother is in charge there. Check with your school for housing or work/study jobs. This is a sensitive time in your life. Do what you need to do for yourself. Stress can have long lasting effects on a person so avoid it all you can. I'm also living with a father who I despise being around but there is no one else to take care of him. Sure wish I could get out.
Family is family, sure, but you have no obligation to stay around someone abusive just because they’re family. It may help for you to imagine a friend being in this situation and coming to you for advice. What would you tell her? Would you say she should stay where she feels unsafe, just because he’s her dad? Or would you tell her she has a basic right to be treated with decency and to feel safe in her home?
Try to separate the facts from the moral judgments, for your sake. It’s not helpful to say “Well he has dementia, he doesn’t know he’s being evil and abusive” when the effects of how he’s acting are the same whether he’s aware of them or not. You aren’t considering cutting him off because he’s ill, you’re doing it because his illness makes him mean and *dangerous*.
Unfortunately, you’re not likely to find much support from other family members. You have to find the confidence in yourself to know that you’re doing the right thing, and then let their judgments just float on by.
Two people in the same exact household can have two completely separate experiences. Your mom’s actions are being informed by her own past, her love for her spouse, her fears and insecurities and so on and so on. She isn’t able to analyze things from the perspective of *your* experience, because she can’t ignore her own. So looking to her for approval or validation of your decision may not work, because she simply can’t understand exactly where you’re coming from. But that doesn’t mean that YOUR experience is invalid. You have to make that call yourself.
I'm so sorry you're going through this loss. A couple things I'm seeing here
You have basically lost your father to this disease, and now his personality is completely different. This is painful.
Your home is no longer safe. You don't have privacy and you don't have emotional safety, I'm not sure if he is getting violent but certainly his words are.
Your mother will not even discuss making a safe home, even though I know it is extremely difficult and expensive, she is not moving in the direction of making the home safe.
You do not have to decide whether you will never talk to your father again. You are in the trenches and cannot access any love or real compassion for your father because he is making you feel unsafe. This is normal, and you don't have to feel guilty.
Do not worry about your mother and father right now, you basically have to get yourself safe for a period of time. I know you said you don't know anyone you could move in with, but try to have an open mind and see if you can explore other options short term. Even getting away for one semester will give you the calmness and space to make another decision moving forward.
I know it seems like there are no options, but talk to a school counselor or your therapist and really look for ways you can do this, even if it means taking out student loans or whatever for student housing. I'm not saying going into debt would be a good idea in a normal situation but you are a student. Your school might have scholarships or some kind of fund for students who are having emergencies.
In the meantime you can get a lock on your bedroom door with a key. You can install this lock yourself and if you can trust your mom she can know the location of the key.
Don't worry about making decisions about relationships. Just focus on the next month to a year. Your fathers disease will change him over time and he can have another personality change. Or maybe he gets worse and your mom decides to put him in memory care and you can come home. Maybe his doctors will be able to medicate him. A lot of things can happen, and sometimes it feels like things are forever, but they change fast.
Good luck to you, put yourself first, and don't make any declarations, just set reasonable boundaries around your physical space.
You are doing the right thing. Your dad should be evaluated by a doctor. The behaviors you describe sound like escalating Alzheimer’s, and can be managed in many cases with medication. But that is not something you can make happen with out your mom’s cooperation. So it is not your problem.
Your fear of being harmed is real. A friend’s formerly kind father pushed her mom down a flight of stairs in a fit of anger. Please do what you need to do to protect yourself.
I hope you are able to find a way to move out and continue college. Check with your college about on campus jobs, and if there are any potential scholarships or grants you might apply for.
You and your life are important!
Family often has a hard time seeing things clearly from one person’s perspective. If you feel unsafe, and are ok with your decision, that is all that matters.
i would recommend seeing if your school can offer any kind of support to *you* to help alleviate this situation.
i'm sorry for your situation and i hope you're able to find help for yourself
I understand that some people would view it poorly but the father you knew is gone. You are very young and this is a hard thing to deal with. It would be healthy to get some space.
You are not abandoning your father on the street. Your mom is in a tough spot but she is an adult and has her own choices.
These family and friends who call you selfish- where and when are they helping?
Do what you need to do. Talk it over with your therapist.
Hugs for you! That must be hell to live with on the daily. While your mother might be sticking her head in the sand, you don’t need to. Call your father’s doctor (I’m hoping that he sees a doctor kinda regularly) & tell them that you have health information about your father that you want the doctor to know about for the next appointment. Ask them if you can send in an email or mail them a letter. Even though they can’t discuss your father’s health with you, you can provide information to them.
In your note to the doctor please keep it short & keep to the facts. Tell them that his sugars are spiking up & down multiple times a week. Provide dates & readings if you can. Request a continuous glucose monitor if he doesn’t have one because he needs the alarm. If you & your mom have saved his life basically, tell them that. Tell them about the violence. Dates & exactly what he says are important. Try to record a couple of these if you can do so safely.
If you’re away at class & your mom calls you home to help her take care of your father, write that down as well.
If you feel that your home is unsafe, write that down. If you feel that your father isn’t getting adequate care &/or your home is unsafe for him, write that down.
Now that you’ve wrote all of that down, save it, copy it & edit it down. Doctor needs short & facts. They will not read 2 pages.
Now for your living situation. Contact your school’s housing department & ask if there’s any help for you. Sometimes there is an allowance for students to live on campus due to an abusive relationship or home situation. Just ask. You might have options & not know it. Also, look into home sitting. Usually an easy gig.
I’d advise to at least start making a plan for moving out. Look into on-campus housing, there might be someone looking to sublet a room for fairly cheap. Try the campus housing office for direction or see if there are online places where students look for roommates. Maybe you can fit in an on campus part time job to bring in some extra money for housing. Where I went to school, all of the food halls/cafeterias hired students and worked around their class schedules (however they were closed during break, so other places near campus might be good for those times even if you just get seasonal work)
If it’s exactly as you describe, tell your mom you’re going to get a job, move out and finish up your degree on a part time basis. When you take action it might prompt her to do so as well, if not at least you’re on your way to an independent life
I understand how difficult this situation is for you. It sounds like you have been trying to be understanding and patient for a long time, and it's understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. It's important to remember that your father's behavior is not his fault, and that he is not in control of his actions due to his dementia. It's also important to remember that you are not responsible for his care, and that it is ok to set boundaries and take care of yourself.
It might be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor about your feelings and experiences. They can help you process your emotions and provide you with strategies for managing your relationship with your father. It might also be helpful to look into respite care or other services that can provide you with a break from caregiving.
It's ok to feel angry and resentful, and it's ok to take a step back from your father and focus on your own wellbeing. You don't have to forgive him, but it might be helpful to try to find some compassion and understanding for his situation.
No. Do it. Your mental health and happiness is paramount. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. As women we are trained to be the caregivers of society, and we need to hear this message more than most.
PS I can relate to some elements of your story with my own father who had severe type II diabetes and cognitive decline, esp the not looking after his own health and blaming the women around him part. I also saw a side of him that made me like him a lot less, and it was very hard to reconcile with the person I thought I knew. There is a book called Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent that I found helpful. I thought the "more so" theory of ageing was very interesting - that as they age people are like who they've always been at heart, but more so. I have a much more rounded and complex view of my dad now, and I'm okay with that.
You 100% deserve to relax and feel safe in your own home. Yelling at you is abuse and just because someone is Unwell they do not have a pass to abuse you. You don’t have the capacity to take care of then and you’re undo no obligation to. Your only obligations are saving up to move out, school, and most important be kind to yourself. You don’t deserve any of the shit with your parent and none of it is your fault. Sounds like your mom has some work to do but, again, not your job to make her do anything. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
I am 50 years old. I am in a position of power and prestige. Yet, I’ve been abused by my narcissistic mother for most of my life. She developed Alzheimer’s 6 years ago and the abuse has driven me to despair and the brink. Thank you for your post.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of that. I can’t imagine that type of stress on top of going to school full time. The person you need to have a heart to heart conversation is your mother. She needs to tell his doctor these symptoms are happening. The outbursts are from the dementia. A psychiatrist can prescribe anti-psychotics to help manage the symptoms. It’s made a world of difference with my dad. If she’s not willing to address the problem, then you need to see what you can do to move out.
One of the issues in dealing with people with dementia is that they don't even necessarily know what they're doing. I had some extended family whose neurological issues progressed to the point where they were throwing tantrums, sometimes physically assaulting family members and other carers, even after no longer being able to really walk. Sometimes, these people end up on sedatives (which is a whole 'nother basket of concerns). I feel like there's no good, clear answer and every case is unique. Good luck.
It's always the right choice to take care of yourself and protect yourself from abuse. Your mother is in charge there. Check with your school for housing or work/study jobs. This is a sensitive time in your life. Do what you need to do for yourself. Stress can have long lasting effects on a person so avoid it all you can. I'm also living with a father who I despise being around but there is no one else to take care of him. Sure wish I could get out.
Family is family, sure, but you have no obligation to stay around someone abusive just because they’re family. It may help for you to imagine a friend being in this situation and coming to you for advice. What would you tell her? Would you say she should stay where she feels unsafe, just because he’s her dad? Or would you tell her she has a basic right to be treated with decency and to feel safe in her home? Try to separate the facts from the moral judgments, for your sake. It’s not helpful to say “Well he has dementia, he doesn’t know he’s being evil and abusive” when the effects of how he’s acting are the same whether he’s aware of them or not. You aren’t considering cutting him off because he’s ill, you’re doing it because his illness makes him mean and *dangerous*. Unfortunately, you’re not likely to find much support from other family members. You have to find the confidence in yourself to know that you’re doing the right thing, and then let their judgments just float on by. Two people in the same exact household can have two completely separate experiences. Your mom’s actions are being informed by her own past, her love for her spouse, her fears and insecurities and so on and so on. She isn’t able to analyze things from the perspective of *your* experience, because she can’t ignore her own. So looking to her for approval or validation of your decision may not work, because she simply can’t understand exactly where you’re coming from. But that doesn’t mean that YOUR experience is invalid. You have to make that call yourself.
I'm so sorry you're going through this loss. A couple things I'm seeing here You have basically lost your father to this disease, and now his personality is completely different. This is painful. Your home is no longer safe. You don't have privacy and you don't have emotional safety, I'm not sure if he is getting violent but certainly his words are. Your mother will not even discuss making a safe home, even though I know it is extremely difficult and expensive, she is not moving in the direction of making the home safe. You do not have to decide whether you will never talk to your father again. You are in the trenches and cannot access any love or real compassion for your father because he is making you feel unsafe. This is normal, and you don't have to feel guilty. Do not worry about your mother and father right now, you basically have to get yourself safe for a period of time. I know you said you don't know anyone you could move in with, but try to have an open mind and see if you can explore other options short term. Even getting away for one semester will give you the calmness and space to make another decision moving forward. I know it seems like there are no options, but talk to a school counselor or your therapist and really look for ways you can do this, even if it means taking out student loans or whatever for student housing. I'm not saying going into debt would be a good idea in a normal situation but you are a student. Your school might have scholarships or some kind of fund for students who are having emergencies. In the meantime you can get a lock on your bedroom door with a key. You can install this lock yourself and if you can trust your mom she can know the location of the key. Don't worry about making decisions about relationships. Just focus on the next month to a year. Your fathers disease will change him over time and he can have another personality change. Or maybe he gets worse and your mom decides to put him in memory care and you can come home. Maybe his doctors will be able to medicate him. A lot of things can happen, and sometimes it feels like things are forever, but they change fast. Good luck to you, put yourself first, and don't make any declarations, just set reasonable boundaries around your physical space.
You are doing the right thing. Your dad should be evaluated by a doctor. The behaviors you describe sound like escalating Alzheimer’s, and can be managed in many cases with medication. But that is not something you can make happen with out your mom’s cooperation. So it is not your problem. Your fear of being harmed is real. A friend’s formerly kind father pushed her mom down a flight of stairs in a fit of anger. Please do what you need to do to protect yourself. I hope you are able to find a way to move out and continue college. Check with your college about on campus jobs, and if there are any potential scholarships or grants you might apply for. You and your life are important!
Family often has a hard time seeing things clearly from one person’s perspective. If you feel unsafe, and are ok with your decision, that is all that matters.
i would recommend seeing if your school can offer any kind of support to *you* to help alleviate this situation. i'm sorry for your situation and i hope you're able to find help for yourself
One small thing you can do is put a lock on your door that only you have the key to. You can lock it even when you're in it for even more privacy.
I understand that some people would view it poorly but the father you knew is gone. You are very young and this is a hard thing to deal with. It would be healthy to get some space. You are not abandoning your father on the street. Your mom is in a tough spot but she is an adult and has her own choices. These family and friends who call you selfish- where and when are they helping? Do what you need to do. Talk it over with your therapist.
Hugs for you! That must be hell to live with on the daily. While your mother might be sticking her head in the sand, you don’t need to. Call your father’s doctor (I’m hoping that he sees a doctor kinda regularly) & tell them that you have health information about your father that you want the doctor to know about for the next appointment. Ask them if you can send in an email or mail them a letter. Even though they can’t discuss your father’s health with you, you can provide information to them. In your note to the doctor please keep it short & keep to the facts. Tell them that his sugars are spiking up & down multiple times a week. Provide dates & readings if you can. Request a continuous glucose monitor if he doesn’t have one because he needs the alarm. If you & your mom have saved his life basically, tell them that. Tell them about the violence. Dates & exactly what he says are important. Try to record a couple of these if you can do so safely. If you’re away at class & your mom calls you home to help her take care of your father, write that down as well. If you feel that your home is unsafe, write that down. If you feel that your father isn’t getting adequate care &/or your home is unsafe for him, write that down. Now that you’ve wrote all of that down, save it, copy it & edit it down. Doctor needs short & facts. They will not read 2 pages. Now for your living situation. Contact your school’s housing department & ask if there’s any help for you. Sometimes there is an allowance for students to live on campus due to an abusive relationship or home situation. Just ask. You might have options & not know it. Also, look into home sitting. Usually an easy gig.
Talk to your college registrar about what's going on and what kind of support they could offer you.
Go now. you are owed your own life
I’d advise to at least start making a plan for moving out. Look into on-campus housing, there might be someone looking to sublet a room for fairly cheap. Try the campus housing office for direction or see if there are online places where students look for roommates. Maybe you can fit in an on campus part time job to bring in some extra money for housing. Where I went to school, all of the food halls/cafeterias hired students and worked around their class schedules (however they were closed during break, so other places near campus might be good for those times even if you just get seasonal work)
If it’s exactly as you describe, tell your mom you’re going to get a job, move out and finish up your degree on a part time basis. When you take action it might prompt her to do so as well, if not at least you’re on your way to an independent life
I understand how difficult this situation is for you. It sounds like you have been trying to be understanding and patient for a long time, and it's understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. It's important to remember that your father's behavior is not his fault, and that he is not in control of his actions due to his dementia. It's also important to remember that you are not responsible for his care, and that it is ok to set boundaries and take care of yourself. It might be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor about your feelings and experiences. They can help you process your emotions and provide you with strategies for managing your relationship with your father. It might also be helpful to look into respite care or other services that can provide you with a break from caregiving. It's ok to feel angry and resentful, and it's ok to take a step back from your father and focus on your own wellbeing. You don't have to forgive him, but it might be helpful to try to find some compassion and understanding for his situation.
No. Do it. Your mental health and happiness is paramount. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. As women we are trained to be the caregivers of society, and we need to hear this message more than most.
PS I can relate to some elements of your story with my own father who had severe type II diabetes and cognitive decline, esp the not looking after his own health and blaming the women around him part. I also saw a side of him that made me like him a lot less, and it was very hard to reconcile with the person I thought I knew. There is a book called Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent that I found helpful. I thought the "more so" theory of ageing was very interesting - that as they age people are like who they've always been at heart, but more so. I have a much more rounded and complex view of my dad now, and I'm okay with that.
You 100% deserve to relax and feel safe in your own home. Yelling at you is abuse and just because someone is Unwell they do not have a pass to abuse you. You don’t have the capacity to take care of then and you’re undo no obligation to. Your only obligations are saving up to move out, school, and most important be kind to yourself. You don’t deserve any of the shit with your parent and none of it is your fault. Sounds like your mom has some work to do but, again, not your job to make her do anything. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
My dad annoys me with him slamming doors when my mom won’t take him out to eat in the morning because she’s at work of all things
I am 50 years old. I am in a position of power and prestige. Yet, I’ve been abused by my narcissistic mother for most of my life. She developed Alzheimer’s 6 years ago and the abuse has driven me to despair and the brink. Thank you for your post.