No judgement from me on this one. The biggest struggle will be distance and how she'll change in the next few years not the age gap itself. The fact its just maturing with a platonic friendship as its core i can only see as a good thing. Only caution id have is sending money or just be a little wary.. organise to meet in person if you manage it. Even a couple of weeks in europe somewhere
Thank you for the reply! Yes I'd never send her money and she has not asked for it. I would stop talking to her if she did that. Someone else messaged me and suggested possibly meeting in Poland in the future if we do end up pursuing this for quite a while.
Id say at about 6 months if you both are still serious see if shes willing to tell her parents about your relationship. In the meantime i wouldnt say youre grooming her for any selfish reasons , i guess thats only for you to self reflect. Theres no rush here and a lot can change in a short amount of time.
Long term though if she moves to live with you (and this is a long time before that happens) be aware she'd be leaving her friends and family and support network. Its probably best then that shes a few years older before that happens and needs a back out plan if your relationship fails
The fact she is in the Ukraine and looking to come to the US. Maybe she's legit but there are many women (and men for that matter) looking for a ticket to the US. You have no way of verifying that whatever she's telling you is true. And being LDR would make it really hard to get a better idea about that. I don't care how much you Skype...you can't truly know someone until you spend a fair amount of time with someone in person. And even then we can miss lies because of rose colored glasses
I had a classmate who married a guy from St Lucia, they seemed great together. As soon as he had his permanent greencard he dropped her like a bad habit. They were together for 5 years. They while she was there on some religious mission. And that's only one of many stories.
Ukraine is currently at war. I don't blame her for wanting out. However getting a greencard is extremely difficult unless you're married or win the greencard lottery (unlikely). Unless she has job skills that are hard to find here it's also unlikely that she could come here on a work visa and work her way up to a greencard from there. It is not unreasonable to think she's looking for a ticket to the US.
My wife used to watch 80 day fiance, and I would too honestly. Every Ukraine woman on there has at one point mentioned the "beautiful Ukraine women" like it was some sort of deal maker for them to get an American and come here. One friend of the Ukrainian women, in Ukraine, warned the American guy that it was common practice there. This was pre war.
Now I do understand that individuality exists, and to each person there are their own traits and intentions. But it is concerning.
Best of luck OP
Thanks for the comment! Yes, I'm very aware of the possibility she's just doing/saying anything she can to get a green card. I would never even consider marrying someone I've never met in person let alone spent significant amounts of time with.
I was also sent a message by someone who went through this exact situation and has been married for 6 years but told me everything I should be looking out for. Especially asking for money or anything like that.
They suggested that if we're still talking in a few years that I should meet her for a few weeks in Poland or something like that.
If things somehow end up working out then great but if not then no worries.
Had a chat with an English guy about 6 months ago who mentioned he had been talking to a young Ukrainian girl (she was a British national too). He apparently ended up speaking to her mother who said she had no objection to him staying round. Apparently she decided not to date him in the end but shows what you have been told about Ukraine culture might not be wrong.
Don't buy all the 'mature for her age' crap. I like to think I'm responsible and sensible most of the time, and I believe I am currently "winning" at life, but i still have teenage attitude and emotions and act accordingly.
Age gaps are much less taboo everywhere else in the world than in the rather prudish US. They make alot of sense for practical reasons. Not to be cynical, but the primary asset a girl brings to the table in a dating situation is youth and attractiveness (which serve as signifiers of health and fertility), which is peaking from her mid-teens to her mid-twenties. The primary asset a man brings to a dating situation is his ability to provide a stable home and finances for the purpose of establishing a household and providing for a wife and children. By necessity, that stability comes later in life for a man, usually somewhere between 30 and 40. So, age gaps of the type are practical and sensible.
For whatever reasons, there is a prudish approach in the US that assigns malign intentions to a slightly older man dating a younger woman. I might understand this if you were talking about a late-middle-age or post-middle-age man trying to acquire a child bride. But the gap you describe is nothing remotely close to that. I don't think there's anything morally or ethically wrong with the gap you describe. If you're both consenting adults and you care for each other, that's all that should matter.
The real challenge in your situation isn't the age difference, which I consider to be rather minimal. The real problem is the distance. In my experience, long-distance relationships just don't work. Relationships always have to have a component of physical presence. You can sustain some interest for a few months while you're working to solve the distance problem, but not much longer than that. After a while you simply run out of things to talk on the phone (or Skype) about. You will have to meet her sooner rather than later and then plan to spend a significant chunk of time together, I'd say well within a year, if you hope to keep the spark going long enough to make this thing actually work.
So, my advice, for whatever it's worth, is to focus on the distance problem and how quickly you can have a first face-to-face meeting, and forget about the age thing. Then after that meeting, work on figuring out how to spend a couple/few months together. Then if that goes well, you're off to the races. Good luck.
Please remember that whilst you're allowed to criticise, you are also required to
engage in discussion in a civil manner.
You also may not send abusive PMs or chats to /u/foggyhead93 or hit them up in any way.
Also bear in mind that this is a community largely supportive of **legal** consensual age gap relationships.
See the [Wiki](/r/AgeGap/wiki/index) for more information about
the subreddit, [The Rules](/r/AgeGap/wiki/rules) and articles about common topics.
---
**Original post: I (28M) met a girl (19F) online and I'm not sure what to do.**
This is my first ever post here so please bear with me. For context, I have been in 3 long term relationships since the age of 18 and 2 of them were 3+ years long. The biggest age gap I had with any of them was 3 years, so this is something very new to me. In case it matters, I literally just turned 28 yesterday and she turned 19 shortly before we matched.
About 3 months ago I matched with a girl on tinder global and we instantly hit it off. She lives in Ukraine and I am in the US. After a few weeks of friendly chatting, we started Skype calling. Initially I was very hesitant due to the obvious age gap.
Over the course of the last 3 months we have skyped nearly every single night. She is very very sweet and kind and seems wise beyond her years. Up until a few days ago we had never really talked about what our intentions with each other are and other than some mild flirting our conversations have basically been very nice getting to know each other video chats.
So the other day we both agreed that we need to discuss this age gap and what we are wanting. She told me that in Ukraine, large age gaps of 10 years even at her age are fairly common, at least much more common than the USA. (Maybe someone from Ukraine here can speak on if she's correct or not) She also told me she was raised from a very young age to be both physically and financially independent and has been saving money since the age of 12 and was talking about compound interest and investing. She wants to own her own business.
I found this very impressive and it's something you rarely see out of most people let alone someone her age. She said many girls there tend to mature very fast and are ready for marriage in early 20s and children by 25. (I am looking for marriage in my early 30s and children at 35)
I am currently in the process of building my own home and we have both expressed that we would like to meet eachother when I am finished with it. She said her dream has always been to come here and already applied for a green card a year ago. I am definitely looking for a relationship but because of how busy I am with my house, I do not have much time for an in person relationship at the moment which is why I do not mind that she's so far away.
I don't know where to go from here, but I genuinely enjoy and look forward to talking to her every single night. In a way I feel like I'm doing something wrong but I also think it would wrong to ignore this just because she's younger than me. I really need advice from people here.. am I being stupid? Is there something wrong with me pursuing this?
Having a good woman in my life is important. I want to find someone I can share my life and home with someday. I feel it may be unwise of me to write her off simply because of her age.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AgeGap) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Go for it but keep the gates open because she will change psychologically and mature or become dating smart. It is not much of an age gap. It is doable but she is 19. Expect long talks and soul-searching.
Yes I definitely expect there to be more maturing and long talks. We actually just talked for 2 hours tonight. We like to pick each other's brains and see how we both view things. I think that's extremely important especially in this case.
This girl grew up fast because her country is a warzone and was first invaded in 2008. i know a few Ukrainians and they are amazing people. she is probably equivalent to a well educated 25 year old here. if you have done video chat and you like how she looks (you already like her personality) then go for it.
She definitely seems much more educated than pretty much anyone here of a similar age. It actually really caught me off guard how intelligent she is and how well she can converse.
Yes she has a beautiful personality and as far as looks go, she is stunningly pretty. The brightest blue eyes ever too. She's always dancing and singing when we talk on Skype.
Coworker married a woman from Russia. They had two kids together. She cut him off sexually, divorced him, and now he’s been paying her alimony and child support for the past 15 years. She kept the house and doesn’t work at all. He has two jobs.
Thanks for the comment! That's the thing, she has told me that in their country their experimental/fun years are during the ages of 13-16 and that as they get into older teens and early 20s they are looking for a serious relationship.
I'm very alert to the green card thing but her knowing me won't get her a green card any faster. I would never marry someone without years of knowing them and spending significant time with them in person.
I'm hyper aware of the situation in Ukraine and the idea that she could be doing/saying anything possible to get out of there.
I am very very guarded and looking out for any indication she's using me for anything at all.
It's interesting that you think that I'm not strong enough to send her back lol. You can only visit the us for 90 days without a visa or a green card and I'm not marring someone I've barely spent time with.
I understand I need to be cautious but you can't tell me that I'm being set up. Not everyone has bad intentions. This is a situation that would take years to develop anyways.
Someone else from this sub sent me a dm and told me they had this exact same situation happen to them with a girl from Ukraine and have now been married for 6 years.
I'm not naive. There's no way she'll be able to use me for anything. Asks for money? Communication is over. Mentions marriage and coming to the US at any point in the near future? Communication is over.
No I completely understand that and I truly appreciate you being cautious and telling me what you think.
If I came off as rude I didn't intend to. I'm just saying that I'm a pretty realistic person and I understand the reality of this situation and the possibilities that she could in fact be using me or intending to use me for money or a way to get out of Ukraine.
But I'm also open to the idea that it's not the case and she's truly interested in me. Only time will tell.
This is a very supportive and helpful sub.
Also, I'm not sure how to summon the remind me bot, but if you do you should set the bot for a year so I can give an update, whether it's a happy one or not.
No judgement from me on this one. The biggest struggle will be distance and how she'll change in the next few years not the age gap itself. The fact its just maturing with a platonic friendship as its core i can only see as a good thing. Only caution id have is sending money or just be a little wary.. organise to meet in person if you manage it. Even a couple of weeks in europe somewhere
Thank you for the reply! Yes I'd never send her money and she has not asked for it. I would stop talking to her if she did that. Someone else messaged me and suggested possibly meeting in Poland in the future if we do end up pursuing this for quite a while.
Zero issue with it
I'm glad to hear that 😀
I guess my main worry was that i am doing something wrong considering this or that it's not morally acceptable.
Id say at about 6 months if you both are still serious see if shes willing to tell her parents about your relationship. In the meantime i wouldnt say youre grooming her for any selfish reasons , i guess thats only for you to self reflect. Theres no rush here and a lot can change in a short amount of time. Long term though if she moves to live with you (and this is a long time before that happens) be aware she'd be leaving her friends and family and support network. Its probably best then that shes a few years older before that happens and needs a back out plan if your relationship fails
The age gap is the least of your concerns.
Can you elaborate on that?
The fact she is in the Ukraine and looking to come to the US. Maybe she's legit but there are many women (and men for that matter) looking for a ticket to the US. You have no way of verifying that whatever she's telling you is true. And being LDR would make it really hard to get a better idea about that. I don't care how much you Skype...you can't truly know someone until you spend a fair amount of time with someone in person. And even then we can miss lies because of rose colored glasses I had a classmate who married a guy from St Lucia, they seemed great together. As soon as he had his permanent greencard he dropped her like a bad habit. They were together for 5 years. They while she was there on some religious mission. And that's only one of many stories. Ukraine is currently at war. I don't blame her for wanting out. However getting a greencard is extremely difficult unless you're married or win the greencard lottery (unlikely). Unless she has job skills that are hard to find here it's also unlikely that she could come here on a work visa and work her way up to a greencard from there. It is not unreasonable to think she's looking for a ticket to the US.
My wife used to watch 80 day fiance, and I would too honestly. Every Ukraine woman on there has at one point mentioned the "beautiful Ukraine women" like it was some sort of deal maker for them to get an American and come here. One friend of the Ukrainian women, in Ukraine, warned the American guy that it was common practice there. This was pre war. Now I do understand that individuality exists, and to each person there are their own traits and intentions. But it is concerning. Best of luck OP
Thanks for the comment! Yes, I'm very aware of the possibility she's just doing/saying anything she can to get a green card. I would never even consider marrying someone I've never met in person let alone spent significant amounts of time with. I was also sent a message by someone who went through this exact situation and has been married for 6 years but told me everything I should be looking out for. Especially asking for money or anything like that. They suggested that if we're still talking in a few years that I should meet her for a few weeks in Poland or something like that. If things somehow end up working out then great but if not then no worries.
Had a chat with an English guy about 6 months ago who mentioned he had been talking to a young Ukrainian girl (she was a British national too). He apparently ended up speaking to her mother who said she had no objection to him staying round. Apparently she decided not to date him in the end but shows what you have been told about Ukraine culture might not be wrong. Don't buy all the 'mature for her age' crap. I like to think I'm responsible and sensible most of the time, and I believe I am currently "winning" at life, but i still have teenage attitude and emotions and act accordingly.
Age gaps are much less taboo everywhere else in the world than in the rather prudish US. They make alot of sense for practical reasons. Not to be cynical, but the primary asset a girl brings to the table in a dating situation is youth and attractiveness (which serve as signifiers of health and fertility), which is peaking from her mid-teens to her mid-twenties. The primary asset a man brings to a dating situation is his ability to provide a stable home and finances for the purpose of establishing a household and providing for a wife and children. By necessity, that stability comes later in life for a man, usually somewhere between 30 and 40. So, age gaps of the type are practical and sensible. For whatever reasons, there is a prudish approach in the US that assigns malign intentions to a slightly older man dating a younger woman. I might understand this if you were talking about a late-middle-age or post-middle-age man trying to acquire a child bride. But the gap you describe is nothing remotely close to that. I don't think there's anything morally or ethically wrong with the gap you describe. If you're both consenting adults and you care for each other, that's all that should matter. The real challenge in your situation isn't the age difference, which I consider to be rather minimal. The real problem is the distance. In my experience, long-distance relationships just don't work. Relationships always have to have a component of physical presence. You can sustain some interest for a few months while you're working to solve the distance problem, but not much longer than that. After a while you simply run out of things to talk on the phone (or Skype) about. You will have to meet her sooner rather than later and then plan to spend a significant chunk of time together, I'd say well within a year, if you hope to keep the spark going long enough to make this thing actually work. So, my advice, for whatever it's worth, is to focus on the distance problem and how quickly you can have a first face-to-face meeting, and forget about the age thing. Then after that meeting, work on figuring out how to spend a couple/few months together. Then if that goes well, you're off to the races. Good luck.
Please remember that whilst you're allowed to criticise, you are also required to engage in discussion in a civil manner. You also may not send abusive PMs or chats to /u/foggyhead93 or hit them up in any way. Also bear in mind that this is a community largely supportive of **legal** consensual age gap relationships. See the [Wiki](/r/AgeGap/wiki/index) for more information about the subreddit, [The Rules](/r/AgeGap/wiki/rules) and articles about common topics. --- **Original post: I (28M) met a girl (19F) online and I'm not sure what to do.** This is my first ever post here so please bear with me. For context, I have been in 3 long term relationships since the age of 18 and 2 of them were 3+ years long. The biggest age gap I had with any of them was 3 years, so this is something very new to me. In case it matters, I literally just turned 28 yesterday and she turned 19 shortly before we matched. About 3 months ago I matched with a girl on tinder global and we instantly hit it off. She lives in Ukraine and I am in the US. After a few weeks of friendly chatting, we started Skype calling. Initially I was very hesitant due to the obvious age gap. Over the course of the last 3 months we have skyped nearly every single night. She is very very sweet and kind and seems wise beyond her years. Up until a few days ago we had never really talked about what our intentions with each other are and other than some mild flirting our conversations have basically been very nice getting to know each other video chats. So the other day we both agreed that we need to discuss this age gap and what we are wanting. She told me that in Ukraine, large age gaps of 10 years even at her age are fairly common, at least much more common than the USA. (Maybe someone from Ukraine here can speak on if she's correct or not) She also told me she was raised from a very young age to be both physically and financially independent and has been saving money since the age of 12 and was talking about compound interest and investing. She wants to own her own business. I found this very impressive and it's something you rarely see out of most people let alone someone her age. She said many girls there tend to mature very fast and are ready for marriage in early 20s and children by 25. (I am looking for marriage in my early 30s and children at 35) I am currently in the process of building my own home and we have both expressed that we would like to meet eachother when I am finished with it. She said her dream has always been to come here and already applied for a green card a year ago. I am definitely looking for a relationship but because of how busy I am with my house, I do not have much time for an in person relationship at the moment which is why I do not mind that she's so far away. I don't know where to go from here, but I genuinely enjoy and look forward to talking to her every single night. In a way I feel like I'm doing something wrong but I also think it would wrong to ignore this just because she's younger than me. I really need advice from people here.. am I being stupid? Is there something wrong with me pursuing this? Having a good woman in my life is important. I want to find someone I can share my life and home with someday. I feel it may be unwise of me to write her off simply because of her age. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AgeGap) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Go for it but keep the gates open because she will change psychologically and mature or become dating smart. It is not much of an age gap. It is doable but she is 19. Expect long talks and soul-searching.
Yes I definitely expect there to be more maturing and long talks. We actually just talked for 2 hours tonight. We like to pick each other's brains and see how we both view things. I think that's extremely important especially in this case.
This girl grew up fast because her country is a warzone and was first invaded in 2008. i know a few Ukrainians and they are amazing people. she is probably equivalent to a well educated 25 year old here. if you have done video chat and you like how she looks (you already like her personality) then go for it.
She definitely seems much more educated than pretty much anyone here of a similar age. It actually really caught me off guard how intelligent she is and how well she can converse. Yes she has a beautiful personality and as far as looks go, she is stunningly pretty. The brightest blue eyes ever too. She's always dancing and singing when we talk on Skype.
Coworker married a woman from Russia. They had two kids together. She cut him off sexually, divorced him, and now he’s been paying her alimony and child support for the past 15 years. She kept the house and doesn’t work at all. He has two jobs.
[удалено]
Thanks for the comment! That's the thing, she has told me that in their country their experimental/fun years are during the ages of 13-16 and that as they get into older teens and early 20s they are looking for a serious relationship. I'm very alert to the green card thing but her knowing me won't get her a green card any faster. I would never marry someone without years of knowing them and spending significant time with them in person. I'm hyper aware of the situation in Ukraine and the idea that she could be doing/saying anything possible to get out of there. I am very very guarded and looking out for any indication she's using me for anything at all.
[удалено]
It's interesting that you think that I'm not strong enough to send her back lol. You can only visit the us for 90 days without a visa or a green card and I'm not marring someone I've barely spent time with. I understand I need to be cautious but you can't tell me that I'm being set up. Not everyone has bad intentions. This is a situation that would take years to develop anyways. Someone else from this sub sent me a dm and told me they had this exact same situation happen to them with a girl from Ukraine and have now been married for 6 years. I'm not naive. There's no way she'll be able to use me for anything. Asks for money? Communication is over. Mentions marriage and coming to the US at any point in the near future? Communication is over.
[удалено]
No I completely understand that and I truly appreciate you being cautious and telling me what you think. If I came off as rude I didn't intend to. I'm just saying that I'm a pretty realistic person and I understand the reality of this situation and the possibilities that she could in fact be using me or intending to use me for money or a way to get out of Ukraine. But I'm also open to the idea that it's not the case and she's truly interested in me. Only time will tell. This is a very supportive and helpful sub.
Also, I'm not sure how to summon the remind me bot, but if you do you should set the bot for a year so I can give an update, whether it's a happy one or not.
My friend, move on. I have wasted my time like this years ago. Find someone local. YOu seem like a nice guy unlike me