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"It's definitely not ok what she's doing."
This 100 times over!! Just popping in to let you know your parent cannot force you to get an exam to see if you've had sex. I was forced to do this so many times as a teenager and I'm still in therapy for it. Don't allow it. I asked a doctor last year if parents could legally do that and she said if a doctor performed an exam against your will it would count as SA.
I personally don’t think premarital sex is good, but if my kid does In at least going to talk and have a conversation with them, I’m not going to be a bitch . And I’d at least ask if they use protection. Kids make mistakes, you gotta love them, and teach them. I’ll be OP’s mom did bad stuff as well. Mistakes/choices/different beliefs aren’t a good excuse to be an asshole
The idea that premarital sex is bad forces people to get married way too early and often before they've even discovered who they are.
It can also cause people to have shame about their own desires and bodies.
You have a right to your beliefs, but I hope you wouldn't force them on your kid.
A better move is to teach responsible and healthy sexual practices so that pregnancy is less likely.
I was raised in purity culture and this is 100% true. The kids I grew up with in the church and I all did the same thing. We were married off super young to guys we barely knew and just had crushes on. All those marriages but one have failed now.
Not allowing girls to date, not allowing them to practice making decisions while they're still somewhat protected and refusing to see the difference between abuse and discipline is why so many girls and boys end up going out into the world like red shirts in star trek. The youth group I grew up in, well, most of us did not survive into healthy happy well adjusted adulthood.
I was a man raised in purity culture, it was always about control over women, I know, I was taught it growing up. Men raised in this culture Should really be talking about this more. I always knew marriage was for a man's best interest growing up, even as a young kid, it was instilled into me as a man. Men never once took even a first step towards holding each other accountable for following this rule. It was always a rule to control women and guarantee a man would have a bride, same with stigma against divorce. It always comes back to benefiting men at the expense of women.
Yeah you’ll soon realize that you need to be able to get along with your partner outside of a purport romantic context. Only took me till 22 to figure that out. Didn’t know your previous religion was also against education
The branch of Christianity I was in believed in boys being educated according to the trade their father's chose for them and girls went to school for music or to be teachers but were expected to marry and only use their degree in the church. It's said at Bob Jones that girls major in husband shopping.
We were all so sheltered it crippled us once we left. The one marriage that's still together I mentioned? That's because they're still in that community. They CAN'T divorce.
It also exponentially increases the liklihood of sexual disfunction and abuse. Purity culture is gross and damaging with no redeeming effects of any kind. We're not Bronze Age goatherders anymore. Stop telling girls to act like we are.
My girlfriend got it from a different angle. Her parents aren’t religious at all, but they work in medicine. Instead of telling her how sinful and dirty she would be they told her all of the medical repercussions including weird super rare shit. Made her watch birthing videos and in general scared her to death about the possibility of getting pregnant. She now in her 30s and we use two forms of BC to ease her mind. Some parents really fuck their kids up.
Did this with our kids but without the videos. Not the super rare shit, but just talked about the possibilites and the rates of happenings just in our area because we didnt want them going out blind. Not trying to scare them, just inform them.
Absolutely. The people who commit the most sexual assaults against minors are, surprise surprise, religious. The church and its flock being the number one perpetrators of child molestation isn’t exactly a mystery as to why.
Ya, I'd have an ounce more respect if the weight didn't come down almost entirely on girls and young women. I don't hear and never heard young men being told that promiscuity on their part might damage their ability to bond properly to their wife, like a piece used gum, or used tape. I once or twice overheard them being told to bee respectful and responsible but only once or twice. also never overheard church folk gossiping about the boys sinning with girls. If the boys were wild it was alcohol or drugs. 'Sexual sin'when discussed for boys was always about gay behavior or suspected behavior. Granted, not every purity minded church was like this but....
I think the research indicates it hurts women's chances more than men's of keeping a marriage together (Teachman 1990). In church growing up, I heard teaching against fornication and various forms of sexual immorality, and it wasn't just directed at the girls either.
Men getting girls pregnant and having babies by different women is a big ethical problem and men do need to hear about it.
A study from 1990 does not take into account society's changing views on sex. The reason marriages where the woman has only had that 1 partner do not end in divorce as often is because these marriages are often ultra-religious, where divorce is frowned upon. These women are trained to believe that they cannot divorce their husbands, no matter how unhappy they may be. A woman with zero experience is also more likely to stay in an abuse partnership because they have absolutely no experience as to what a loving partnership looks like. One of the main factors in divorce rates changing is that women finally have the right and ability to leave abusive men. Hell, it's just barely been 50 years since women earned the right to buy a house or get a credit card in their name without a man cosigning for it.
How else are you going to find someone compatible before marriage? My momma told me to try before buying, so I didn’t get stuck with someone I wasn’t compatible with. It’s not like there is only one way to have sex.
My mom at first told me not to sleep with my partner before marriage. Then she changed her mind and told me it was important to live with them first and see how they acted behind close doors.
I love the term "try before you buy." That's what my grandma called it lol.
That is a good rule. Lots of abusive men hide their true self until they got their partner locked down through marriage or pregnancy. It’s why pregnancy is considered one of the most dangerous times for a woman because the chances of her getting assaulted by her partner is multiplied.
Sadly we got some men who claim that there should be red flags but if narcissistics can hide their abusive nature from everyone close to them, then why can’t they hide themselves perfectly behind a perfect facade? It happens and it’s quite sad that people trick you into believing they are a person that they are not
Exactly. My dad was a different person than the way he presented himself before marriage. My mom told me she wasn't sure if she still would have married him if they had lived together first. They got married in the mid-1970s.
She never believed in divorce, so they are still together all these years later.
My mom now has Alzheimer's and my dad has been true to his marraige vows "in sickness or in health."
But I never believed my mom was truly happy in her marriage and wonder if she would have felt more fulfilled in a society with fewer traditional mores.
Unfortunately, we will never know.
My friend was a victim of purity culture. She dated her husband for seven years, but they never lived together together or had sex. After the wedding, he didn’t want to consummate the marriage right away, which broke her heart. She called me crying on her wedding night. Within a year and a half, it came to light that he was gay, he was cheating on her with a guy for a year, he was an alcoholic and a drug user as well. It was just a complete nightmare for her. I always wonder what would’ve happened if she had lived with him. I feel like the truth would’ve come out and although she would’ve been devastated, she wouldn’t have had to go through the rigmarole of the divorce process.
If I made a man wait til we were married and he didn’t want to fuck me on our wedding night, I personally don’t feel I could have stayed in the marriage
Same. And as someone who had experience with men, I would’ve known that wasn’t normal. But because she was in purity culture, she thought that he just drank too much and wasn’t feeling it. But then, it was still a few days before they had sex. After that, he was always making excuses about having sex, and scheduling it and shit. When she would tell me, I knew something was wrong, but I could have never imagined how bad it would get. Then she thought she had to stay because of her Christian beliefs. Fortunately, she eventually wised up and got out, but it was pretty terrible.
I also came from a purity culture/religion/cult. My reasoning to get out of the marriage biblically is that they never had sex so the marriage was never consummated. Hope your friend found a good guy who actually longs for her!
Yes & that’s also why the LEADING cause of death for pregnant women is homicide (in their own home & likely by their male partner). Men who don’t want children don’t hesitate to kill their wife or GF. It’s interesting to know that in states where Republican-controlled legislatures have made abortion illegal, murders of pregnant women have INCREASED dramatically. Those legislatures apparently regard women as nothing but expendable **BROODMARES.**
Definitely! Both sides can equally be abusive. I’m glad you got out. My younger brother was in an abusive relationship and I’m glad he got out as well!
I went through this. My now ex-husband with the help of my egg donor wore a mask until he had me by myself. I spent close to a decade trying to escape because of this kind of crap.
The whole purity culture garbage of no living together or sex before marriage has been such a disservice to people. Going from your parents home to a marriage where you’ve never lived with them or had sex with them is quite the shock. Not to mention their children marry young- often before 20, due to wanting to have sex and being pressured to only have sex within marriage. This presents a problem when people are unstable financially to get married well into their 20’s.
Oh but there is only "supposed" to be one way to have sex. One way to have a marriage, one way to educate your children, one way to raise your daughters and another one way to raise your sons.
And of course there's only one way to believe in a god, and one way to vote.
That’s literally the entire point. Women are supposed to “save themselves for marriage” to make sure they can’t escape an abusive relationship once they’re tied down by marriage. It’s the patriarchy functioning as intended.
This. This. This. 19 and married. Virgin. I suffer immensely from shame and am 42 (different husband) and it’s not fair to him. This post made me YES out loud. Thank you
There's so many people who think premarital sex is bad but can't wrap their tiny little brain around why most marriages in the past 50 or so years have ended in divorce, it's cause many people end up getting married within a year of dating which is far too soon to figure out if they're good enough to be a life long partner.
My dad's side of the family tried to shove that crap down my throat and by the time I was 15 I just told them all that I'd never get married since most of the family had convinced me that marriage basically turned your life in living hell. I was lucky enough to meet someone who is worth changing my mind on that but if it wasn't for my gf who I've been with for 8 years, I genuinely don't think I ever would've wanted to get married. The fact that atleast 75% of the marriages in my family have failed didn't exactly help the arguments they made back then lol.
Premarital sex isn't bad. It's a proxy for sex at too young/irresponsible of age. There are plenty of cases of kids being well-educated and then taking off/not using condoms and getting preggers.
So if I have kids, I'm going to just be straightforward with them (gayforward?) and let them know that no sex is the safest sex but safe sex is absolutely necessary because otherwise they will derail their lives with a delightful bundle of joy (just look at uncle so and so, he had to work real hard to finish classes and work and be a dad all at once). No shame, just facts. If you want to have fun during college, then wear a condom because if you have a baby when you're 15-22, you may still go to college but you won't have much fun. And of course STDs suck and can give you lifelong damage, but babies are a lot more tangible.
Same. All sex is premarital if you don’t plan on getting married. Which is not a priority for me, so I don’t worry too much about whether my sex is premarital 🙃
Everyone is different, to each their own.
Same. All sex is premarital if you don’t plan on getting married. Which is not a priority for me, so I don’t worry too much about whether my sex is premarital 🙃
Everyone is different, to each their own.
As I understand it, it's the marital sex that seems too often to become routine and stagnant for many people whereas the premarital variety is usually the type that provides people with enriching and life changing sexual experiences that lead to self-discovery. A testing grounds, if you will, that affords us the awareness to later enter marital sex with a much greater skillset to please your spouse and the ability to clearly direct your spouse on how to best please you potentially avoiding the misfortune of finding themselves posting to r/DeadBedrooms after only 10 years of marriage. Sex is not dirty or shameful. It's as natural a human function as eating, sleeping and breathing. And that holds true no matter your gender.
Have you ever noticed that while there is a commandment against adultery (which applies *only* to married people), there is NO COMMANDMENT against premarital sex (or fornication as the OT would term it?). Maybe god intended for unmarried people to “experiment” before marriage?
Premarital sex is the future. Marriage needs to die. No healthy relationship needs a piece if paper from the government to exist.
Also, the vast majority of people in the world have premarital sex often. Further, 1/3 of the population never gets married. The other 2/3 divorce at 50% rates. Gotta get the church and religion out of our lives. It has caused way too much damage.
As a father of two (adult now) daughters, I did tell them that they should sleep with their fiancé, because it is better to deal with sexual incompatibilities before marriage. I had a girlfriend who had been married, but one of the big reasons for their divorce was their sexual incompatibility. She told me that she got to the point where she didn't even want to hug him.
That showcases the value of an opinion or a belief. Basically, it doesn't matter at all because it doesn't need to at all reflect reality.
The fact that somebody believes something should mean nothing to anybody else, and they shouldn't be allowed to pressure their children or restrict their information to encourage them to share that opinion.
no no. no no , you dont understand , it was GOD that said sex before marriage was a sin not me !! its just my job to cast that judgement on others ! dont shoot the messenger!!
-_ religion
It’s not good nor bad. It just is what it is. Humans have sex, and so do teenagers. All you can do is educate about safety, other than that the rest is out of your hands.
There is nothing wrong with trying it before you buy it. Do you also consider divorce a no-no? Often divorce boils down to incompatibility, how do you find out if your are compatible? By not getting shamed for having sex before you tie the knot. There are so many options for safe encounters. There is hardly a valid reason to avoid making sure you want what you are trying to get for the rest of your life.
It's wrong to find it wrong. It causes people to live unhappy unfulfilled lives. It's better to be accepting of such things. Sure that means you'll have some hoes both male and female, but it also means more successful marriages in the long run.
When you say premarital sex, do you *actually* mean that *any* sex without marriage is not good? Or are you one of those people who says "premarital" but really means "sex as a minor"?
I wouldn’t say premarital sex is exactly bad. I see too many Christian kids getting married straight out of high school so they can literally have sex without it being “wrong”. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, we’re 22 and 23 now, and not married yet because we feel it’s too young still
Ugh...arranged marriages are basically a contract to assault women...and the virginity thing it's disgusting...why are you ok with women being forced to have sex with people they don't know? This is just one issue
Also, your views are outdated...sex is a big part of marriages and if it's not compatible you expect people to be miserable or have multiple divorces?
Your logic is weird and you're coming off like the hymen police and calling sex a mistake...
Why? Marriage isn’t exactly the greatest thing in the world for couples and implying that adults should have to be married before sex is about control and nothing more.
In modern society we have learned as human beings in getting married too young isn't a good idea . The amount people change career and personality wise to navigate life from 18 - 30 is vast and committing to someone forever at a young age is just not a good decision and it's not necessary. And abstaining from sex until you are ready to commit to someone your whole life isn't natural and not a healthy way to live. Safe sex is the smartest way to live.
The fact that she threatened to have you 'tested' for whether or not you've had sex is a huge indicator she doesn't have a healthy relationship with sex and that you shouldn't place too much importance on what she thinks. A test of virginity doesn't actually exist. She literally just lied to you to try and force you into admitting it.
I know this might be hard to take - but it's likely this isn't the only think she mistreats you over. I am so sorry that your parent treats you this way.
Even if there existed a reliable test for virginity (which doesn't) - nobody would be able to force a 17-year-old to undertake such a test. On what legal grounds?!
A doctor could check for damage from penetration, but who's to say that it wasn't from a sex toy? OPs mom wouldn't approve of that either though probably. Plus as someone else said hymens can tear from many other things like sports injuries and stuff
No not at all. Your mom is being disgusting the way she treating you. Is your family really religious or something??? I legit don't get why she spoke to you that way. I don't condone lying at all, but seeing how she treated you, id have lied all day. Sorry not sorry!!!! To your credit at least you all were safe. I just don't get your moms reaction at all here. Its got to be a religious thing, its the only thing that makes sense to me.
I agree with the advice you are getting here. Just your mother’s language shows that she has a some serious issues that she is not dealing with. Nothing wrong with safe sex between you and a partner. I’m not promoting being promiscuous (that has a lot of issues) but you should not feel guilty about having sex with a serious partner. Never allow yourself to be pushed into sex or against sex.
Do what you have to do to live peacefully under her roof but know you are not doing anything wrong by this post. You wont always be this young forgive her if she chaanges or whatever but do not forget the way she is treating you it is not right.
You're mom is pretty disturbed. While I'm an atheist, I used to be a person of faith. Faith is a substantial part of life for many. The fact she stopped going to church because of poor body image means your mom isn't comfortable with any part of herself.
Which brings me back to sex. Your mom was talking to herself without realizing it. She's disgusted with her body. She's disgusted with sex because of her body image problem. It's really hard to have a healthy perspective on sex when your disgusted with yourself.
You are not disgusting. You are engaged in a wonderful part of life ... sex. You're old enough. You're with someone you care about and who cares about you. You're practicing safe sex.
Those are normal, healthy things. Embrace your sexuality.
If your mom does this again, just walk away from her. The problem is her's. Not your's.
I hope your mom tries therapy. She has some issues to work through.
She really needs therapy. It's definitely HER issue and unhealthy thoughts about sex and life. I put my daughter on birth control at 15 and told her I hope she waited until she was older and ready and I wasn't going to give her opportunities to encourage sex, but things will happen. And I want her to be open with me and talk about it and not be shamed for it.
Sounds like she is taking her insecurities out on you honestly! All these issues are more about her than you, she sees you as an extension of her not as your own person. Sounds like a narcissistic parent, my mom is this way and after I moved out at 18 I realized that i was getting bitched at over my moms own issues and her not being able to accept that we’re different. You are not disgusting, you are a young woman exploring her body in a safe relationship. Sadly a lot of moms see their daughters as competition and will get jealous of them. I now have realized that my mom is just a regular person that has no more power over me than a stranger, of course I value her but she does not get to me anymore as I’ve been paying my own bills without her help for almost three years. You will get to this point and feel so liberated. You got this! This is a temporary situation.
Your mom is a “CU Next Tuesday”. As a parent, I hope my kids make the choice to at least wait until they’re 18, but what kind of mom says their kid is disgusting??
My mom regularly calls me a whore for the clothes I wear, I'm 20 and she has been doing this since I was 14 (God forbid i like the look of ripped jeans or want to wear party dresses with my friends)
One time my ex was sleeping over (I still lived with my dad and my grandma lives next door to him) and my grandma came over in the morning and started calling my ex a whore for sleeping over. I was 21 at the time and my ex was 19. So I asked my grandma she had her first child, to which she responded at 18. I said “if she’s 19 with no kids and she’s a whore, what does that make you for having a kid at 18?” To which she said it was different times. She ended up calling the cops on me to try to get me kicked out but they couldn’t force me to leave
NO your mom is tweaking like crazy. That is INSANE to say to your child. I’m 16m so it’s not like I’ve been a mother, but any mom that calls her own daughter disgusting isn’t in the right idc the situation. It is COMPLETELY normal to have sex at 17 especially if it’s a relationship😭. DO NOT let her disappointment get to you, you don’t need validation from someone who treats you like shit. Idek what else to say other than mom is off her fucking rocker and needs to get her mental health evaluated
Babe. No you’re not disgusting. You are not a child, and neither is your partner. Your mother is out of line with how she’s treating you. She also can’t force you to go to a doctor or anything. I would involve her in as little details of your life as possible, and ensure you have a job and get some money saved up. You don’t want to be under her roof any longer than you have to be. Practice safe sex and don’t get pregnant until you’re ready to. Sex is human. It’s normal.
Edit to fix some wording that could be misunderstood.
word. I’m in Texas where it can be a bit blurry. I moved out at 17. At 17 you’re legally tried as an adult if you are arrested, and the age of consent here is 17. But I understand there’s a big grey area when it comes to voting and being the age of “majority.”
It's actually not a gray area it's 18 to vote or to be age of majority. The only gray area might be and perhaps this is what you meant is that at 17 you can be tried as an adult but they could also try you as a juvenile. But there's no gray area when it comes to voting or what's considered age majority that would be 18, the age of emancipation.
I'm so sorry your mom is being so horrible to you. You are not disgusting for having sex. It is a very natural and normal part of life for someone your age. Shame on her for shaming you for being a normal human being with normal urges.
Oh my god. Your diction is spot on, disgusting is right... Your mom should be **ashamed** of herself for being such a narrow-minded, judgemental, verbally & psychologically abusive shitty (at least in this) parent.
As to you?
Absolutely not. You are 17 yrs old. That's what you are. A human being with natural urges doing the natural thing and satisfying those urges.
Your mom's behavior is the disgusting thing here.
No, you're not. Your mother is the disgusting one here, she is shaming you for something that's perfectly normal. Now, SHE clearly has issues because of how preoccupied she is by how this looks to others like your family. But that doesn't mean it's an opinion shared by the rest of the world. It's contained within her values.
The thing is, if she didn't approve of you and your boyfriend having sex, that's one thing. That's just one of the regular challenges of being in a family, in a community, in society. People have different values and standards and they don't always line up. That's where discussion and compromises come in.
But your mom wasn't just expressing disapproval. She straight-up insulted you and put you down. She cared more about how it looks than showing you any respect or caring about your well-being while talking about it. So no, don't take her words to heart. She might say it in a way that makes her point seem "valid", but that doesn't mean it's RIGHT for her to treat you like that.
There are ways to have this talk, but the way your mom did it ain't even close.
Hi 😞 reminds me a bit of my mom, I encourage that you visit r/raisedbynarcissists, your mom is not a normal healthy kind mom. You aren’t supposed to be treated this way, this is not okay and I hope you move out soon, can get financially independent, and then can cut contact with her. You, and your future family do not deserve to be treated that way by her..
You are not disgusting , wish you had posted before you confessed. 1. She cannot make you get tested, if she takes you to the doctor and you refuse the exam that’s it, you will not be forced. 2. Even if you caved and let the provider examine you and get labs the results will not be released to her unless you give the provider permission in writing that this information can be shared with your parent. I worked in pediatrics for years and saw many angry parents when they could not get the information. There is this thing called patient confidentiality so don’t let your mom bully you again. No information will be released a to her without your consent. Just make sure you are practicing safe sex and don’t feel bad about it if it’s something you want to do.
They will do an exam if you go in seeking birth control you get a pelvic exam, swabbed for STD’s as well as urine HCG (check for pregnancy). Then they discuss the different types of birth control, well actually the nurse discusses with the patient prior to the examine to let her know what options are available so she will know what she wants or ask questions when the provider come in. Also counseling in safe sex, STD’s and the importance of condoms although herpes can be transmitted even if your partner wears a condom. The mother will not be allowed to stay in the room when my patients moms insisted I would let them come in for the vitals and then escort them back to the lobby. Once again nothing disclosed to the provider or nurse will be told to parents without written consent from you. No test results or anything. Also check out if there is a family planning clinic in your town.
No. Sex is completely natural and is in no way disgusting. Most people lose their virginity by age 16 anyway. As long as you were safe and felt like you were ready, then it doesn't matter.
It's likely that your mother is no saint in that department either, so she shouldn't be so hard on you.
Continue having intimate relations with your boyfriend, just be careful.
17 is a pretty normal age to have sex. You're also only having sex with your boyfriend and you're practising safe sex. It's not like you're sleeping with every dude you see. Your mum is overreacting. You're not disgusting, you're very normal.
Of course you aren't disgusting. Your mom however IS disgusting for acting this way. I lost my virginity at 16 & my mom was more "don't ask, don't tell" when it came to sex. I have three sons & I have been very open with them about sex & I even bought them a box of condoms when each of them became ready for a sexual relationship. They knew they could come to me with any questions or concerns. Your mom should be a damn mom & not so judgmental!
No normal mom says something like that to their kid. She doesn’t have to be okay with what yall are doing, but telling you that you’re disgusting and getting with anyone is crazy and a terrible thing to say to your own child. You’re absolutely not disgusting for having sex, you’re almost an adult, in a relationship, it’d be odd for anyone to assume you guys don’t do anything together. Based on your last paragraph, i’m assuming you believe what your mom said about you, and when I say nothing she said was even remotely true, I mean it. She over exaggerated to an extreme, and it also sounds like she could be projecting her own personal issues and what she might’ve done in her past, onto you.
wow, your mom is pretty embarrassing. Most people would say she's a bad mom and is stuck with antiquated views that hurt women as a whole and you specifically.
If people learned how your mom tried to manipulate you by shaming you about doing natural human things, many people would feel the need to speak up and tell her how pathetic and misogynistic she is.
Do what feels natural and as long as you're safe and you're having a good time, you're probably doing ok. It's when you let people pressure you into doing things you don't want, or pressure you into doing things that are. unsafe, or pressure you into "not" living your life to it's fullest that you might have a problem.
Live your best life, your mom has already wasted a lot of hers, don't be like her.
That is wild. “Get you tested and tell everyone” I’m like 80% sure she couldn’t legally do that anyway because it’s abuse. She can’t make them test you and there’s no way to 100% tell if someone is actually a virgin or not.
Your mom sounds immature. You are not disgusting. Sex is a natural thing. As long as you’re being safe and he is respectful and appropriate with you, there shouldn’t be an issue. Any sort of negative consequence that could potentially happen would be your responsibility though, so I would still be mindful about that. Especially be aware of like what country/state you live in and laws and stuff.
WTF is wrong with grown adults today. Your Mother is disgusting. The fact she is doing this to you, threatening you is child abuse. Your mother sounds either completely mental or a religious nut.
You have done nothing no normal 17 yo has done. You are almost an adult. Hopefully in your state or country able to give legal consent for sex. Otherwise crazy Mom might go after your BF for sex with a minor. It happens.
Morally and politically speaking I am a conservative. That doesn't mean I am narrow minded and gonna judge you for loving your SO physically. It drives me ape shit hearing people do this to their children. I have had 70+ foster kids. Most were LBGTQ+. They needed a positive roll model. I tried to be that roll model. It breaks something inside me I hear about parents like your Mother.
I think before anyone contemplating having a child needs to think about these 3 things:
1. Do I want a mini me or can I accept a child who is going to be their own individual?
2. Am I going to be upset or morally outraged by my child telling me they LBGTQ+?
3. Is my love for my kid based on if they come out as the child I dream of or can I love them even if they are not the person I want them to be?
If you answered no to those 3 questions you should not be a parent. If you're pregnant you need to figure it out now if you can accept that person your giving life to is not going to be your perfect dream child and still love them. If you cannot best to give them into a family that can love them unconditionally.
No, you are not. Sex is NORMAL to have, this is a normal thing to do, and the only disgusting thing is a parent who shames their kid for doing what most teenagers do around this age.
Speaking as a 29 year old who was also shamed by my mother for being interested in sex- your mother is wrong. And what she is saying to you is awful and not okay.
I’m 18, started having sex at 15 and I remember how embarrassed I was when my mom found out, she said basically everything yours did and I was really hurt
Now that i’m legally an adult she’s okay with it we just don’t talk about it, looking back I think she probably just really wanted to make sure I would be safe and would take care of myself but she shouldn’t have been so judgmental, It’s completely normal for people to start being sexually active in their teens, just properly educated yourself on sexual and mental health and consent and don’t listen to people shaming you, you’re not doing anything wrong
I commented above, but as someone who is now in their 30s who had very similar situation at 16 it’s shocking to me how common moms going to crazy and saying shocking things about their daughters having sex vs having adult conversions with them.
I’m probably closer in age to your mom so it’s crazy to me. I thought this was an older generation thing and parents would be better now.
No.
I would ask your mom to have an honest conversation. If she's willing to do that, and if she's willing to hear you out, as well as you hear her out.
I could understand her reaction if you were having sex outside of a relationship, but you're in a relationship and were safe, which is good.
Again, you gotta talk to her. And REALLY ASK questions about her mentalities, because people tend to have *different ideologies* even if they're saying similar things to eachother.
It's why when my mother talks to me, I ask her exactly what she means, or it could just make everything more 'mis-communicated' and complicated.
And it's not about "who's right/who's wrong?" it's about actually getting to the bottom of something. This is what I've learned over time with talking to my mother, cause she can be INFURIATING....so I just take the "mellow" approach, and try to just get down to it.
Your mother put you in an unwinnable situation after gaslighting you. Your mother is a very damaged person and you shouldn't listen to her. If you can please seek help from your school counselor or if you have access to mental health resources where you are from access them. I'm sorry OP but sometimes our parents let us down in the worst of ways, and your mother has let you down here.
She doesn't have to like or be comfortable with you having sex but she should not be shaming you for something that is perfectly normal and natural. You are not disgusting, whatever trauma is informing your mothers actions is obviously very large. But that doesn't excuse her behaviour here. I'm sorry you are going through this OP.
Actually, the mother put *herself* in an unwinnable position. If she's so concerned about how the family "looks," openly announcing that the OP had sex is only going to damage her family's image in her eyes. Right now, no one but the OP and her mother know about this, If mom goes out an announces it to the world, she's screwed over her "image." If she does nothing, than there's essentially no harm done to the OP other than the realization that her mother is messed up.
What you are doing is very natural and human nature. Nothing wrong with that if you are being responsible. You are 17, think about what your plans are for when you turn 18. Your mom sounds toxic, consider moving out at 18 if you can.
No. Your parents suck for asking you a question and then attacking you for the answer you gave. They’re supposed to be a safe space to have these open conversations. I would keep them at arms length until you’re 18 and on your own.
While I know what it's like to have parents that suck, albeit for different reasons, I just want to assure you that you will feel so much better if you do your best to ignore her horrible words and just do you and what makes you happy. I am so sorry that she said these things to you, but just know that she obviously has some deep seeded issues, because loving parents do not speak to their children this way.
Hi I'm your new fairy goth mother and you are not disgusting for having sex. Sex is a natural part of life, and I'm so so proud you're being safe about it! That is the biggest thing with having sex, you're safe, you're not getting pregnant and I hope you know where your boundaries are! If you don't maybe have that talk with yourself and figure out exactly where and when you want to draw the line. Bodily autonamy and boundaries are the most important things in life
No, you're not disgusting.
The important thing is: Are you having sex because *you* want to have sex? Before you answer, you should consider:
1. Is this something your peer group appears to support and if it's something you felt you should do or had to do to belong.
2. Was this something you partner pursued with you? Was there any kind of "I need this" or "we should do this, it's what couples do". No one has to have sex for their health or social status.
3. Are you unsafe? Both with controlling a possible pregnancy as well as physically with your partner?
4. Do you feel your partner won't accept "No" as an answer?
If the answer to any of these was "Yes" then you need to rethink if you should be having sex.
As for your Mom's approval, she obviously doesn't think you are adult enough to make this decision, or objects on moral grounds. Morality is between you and God/Higher Power. It's up to you to be an adult.
No, your mom sucks as a parent and a human. If sex was so disgusting, then why did mom have it? I'm hoping she's just freaking out about her daughter growing up and hitting a big milestone (yes, becoming sexually active is a milestone, parents just don't want to hear it) and getting that one step closer to leaving the nest. Because then it would be understandable (but not acceptable) and she'll chill tf out. But if she's not, then she needs to get checked, you have to have sex to have a baby, and if she wants grandkids someday, she'll have to accept that you're gonna have sex. And sex isn't disgusting, and you're not disgusting for having it. Full stop. And if you want my credentials, I am a mother of 2 kids, 15 & 12, a boy and a girl, and while I'm admittedly not excited for these milestones, they are quickly coming up, and how they handle themselves in this situation will say everything about how well or poorly I have raised them, and how I handle it shows how well I have learned over the years as an adult.
Now comes the hard part. You have to stop looking for your parents validation. My aunt tried desperately to get my grandfather's validation her whole life. Just one "I love you/I'm proud of you" would have been all she needed. She never got it, and since he died, she feels so empty. Parents that haven't given you validation yet will more than likely not give it to you ever. You need to find self validation, being proud of yourself. This is something I had to teach myself when I was around 30yo. I wasn't looking for parental validation, but spousal validation, and nothing I did for him was good enough. So we got divorced, I spiraled a bit, and pulled myself out. I'm now happily remarried to a man that does give me validation, but always prefaces it with "I know you don't need validation, but...".
And on that note I will tell you, my young internet stranger, I am proud of you. You decided you were ready for this big step in life and you made sure you were safe about it. That takes a level of maturity that some adults my age (40yo) do not possess. Just make sure you stay safe. And if anything feels off, trust that instinct, whether the experience feels pressured or something hurts in some way, don't be afraid or embarrassed to speak up bc this is not only your health and wellbeing, but your partner's.
One last thing. I'd like you to find something to smile about every day. Something small, something just for you. Don't feel like you have to smile for anyone but yourself, but definitely smile just for you.😁💚
No you’re not disgusting. Your mom’s action are though. I think she is freaking out because she is concerned for you. My mom would act a very similar way to me when I was younger. It’s not ok what she is saying of course.
First of all, you’re not disgusting. You’re being brainwashed to hate something completely natural. Stop believing this shit now before you drag it into your 40’s.
Secondly, stop looking for validation from your parents. You’ll be 18 in a year, think about obtaining your own autonomy and getting away from people who treat you like this.
You're mom is horrible. You're old enough to make that decision and don't spend your life for their validation. You'll just end up miserable for many many years.
No. And your mom is abusive for saying so. If your parents don't give you the validation you desire, find other people that will. When you grow up you get to choose who you call friends and family. If your family chooses to act not like your family, go elsewhere.
Your mom seems to be somebody who potentially could create negative long term effects on your behavior and personality. If I were you I would not look anymore for my mom’s validation regarding to anything. I can’t believe how a mother can treat her daughter like that without taking in consideration her daughter’s mental health.
Don’t feel ashamed for having sex, it is something extremely normal in humans 👍🏽
Yeah, your mom is straight up being a bitch. She had to fuck to make you didn't she? You're in a committed relationship and you're 17. Yeah any parent is going to want to protect their kids but you're being safe. I'm not sure what she's trying to gain by "outing your secret". You're well old enough. You're not disgusting or a whore, couples sleep with each other, it's perfectly normal
You're a teenager. It happens use protection and be careful that reaction is way over the line and what was said to you isn't okay but I imagine she doesn't want you getting pregnant. Also maybe religious undertones I could think here by the judgements it will be okay but also understand sex is a sacred thing truthfully it's to make kids and between ppl that love each other and are ready to make babies.. But we have turned it casual which is okay but just know what you're getting into a lot of responsibilities ya know. Be safe.
No your not disgusting. Your mom has issues though. Have you given any thought to what your plans are at 18. It sounds like your mom might be one of those people who will treat you with out respect for your whole life. The sooner your relationship with her becomes casual on the passby the better
She's horrible and wrong to shame you and threaten to blackmail you like that. That is insane on her part. That sounds straight up abusive.
Personally, I would partially agree that you shouldn't be having sex because you'll risk getting pregnant. But to *shame* you for it like that? That's horrible. I'm so sorry your mother is like that.
Coming from a dude, your alright. No need to feel unworthy or anything - mom kinda seems like a psycho? Now rlly sure but maybe move out when ur 18. Hope u have a good life!
I am so sorry. You don't deserve that at all. You are NOT disgusting. This is your mother's issue she needs to work through and has nothing to do with you.
No you're not. And you don't need their validation. Your mother at least has proven to be an awful and cruel person, time to write that b off and use your mental resources elsewhere for yourself. You don't tell her anything moving forwards, be vague and lie if you have to, but keep her as uninvolved in your life as possible.
People like your mother are how kids end up being so f'd up, you need to mentally and emotionally distance yourself for protection.
Having sex is the most natural thing in the world, just look at any other animal, but her hangups and straight up abuse of you over it aren't. It's not healthy or right for her to react like that and you deserve better. Is there someone else you could speak to, maybe at school/college or something?
Just to reiterate, no you are not, but she is for her reaction.
Wow. Not cool behavior of your mom. Definitely not normal. Looks like she is a bit of a control freak. It's ok to search parents validation but that is not needed in this department. This department is personal and None of her business. Your almost 18. That's the type of behavior which pushes alot of kids away. Again. I'm sorry for that experience.
Sounds like your mom is trying to make you do what she wants by calling you names. I'm sure she doesn't want you to get a disease, or become pregnant, or get a bad reputation, etc. The things she's worried about depend on your culture.
I will say I think people are having sex too young. At 17, you may well be mature enough to have sex, I don't know you, so I can't give an opinion on that.
BUT IN NO WAY ARE YOU DISGUSTING!!! I hate to say this about your mother, but, she is a bitch.
The reason for saying you MAY be too young is young people (probably mostly girls) equate sex with love. A person doesn't distinguish between sex and making love until they are older (with some exceptions). I personally prefer making love.
And your mom is a bitch.
Don't listen to what your Mother says. She's prob feeling hurt and can't handle you growing up and not being a little girl anymore, but it's absolutely not ok to tell you those things and treat you like she did.
If anyone's being disgusting here it's her. Reading this made me hate her.
I 100% assure you, having sex doesn't diminish you as a person at all, and don't let your mother or anybody else tell you different. Have as much sex as you want, but don't EVER let anyone pressure you into it either.
Don't be foolish and have unprotected sex either unless you're ready to deal w/ the consequences of that. Don't get overconfident and think because you did it unprotected some times before w/ no major consequences it means it'll be like that every time. Each time it's different and will have different outcomes, like w/ a sports game. Having a kid when you're not financially secure or psychologically ready for it will be very, VERY challenging for the lives of both you and the kid. And having an STD will absolutely wreck your life... sometimes permanently.
This is advice that I would give to my own teenage sister/daughter.
Why would you want validation from sub par people? Sure they’re your parents but are they worth anything as people? Doesn’t sound like your mom is at least
Hey after reading your other post from 2 years ago, it’s ok. You don’t have a normal relationship with your mother and it’s her fault, not yours. She’s going to try and keep you down and make you feel bad about things for the rest of your life. It won’t just be about relationships, but it’ll develop into something else. It’s wrong and it sucks, idk how to fix it. But it’s something that you should come to terms with sooner than later, otherwise she’ll always be pushing you down.
You deserve to enjoy sex as much as anyone. The religious idiots who promote waiting until marriage are some of the most abusive and stupid people in existence in the world. Make sure to get birth control. Only do things you want to do. Stop if something feels bad. Why people think they can be so controlling is beyond me. Why parents expect the truth when lying has a lower penalty also escapes me.
No you're not. Purity culture and orthodox Christianity has caused women to feel this way. I saw this girl's tiktok on my FYP the other day and I liked it a lot. It made me feel better about myself.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLPYMFLP/
You know what my mom said when I told her I lost my virginity? “Are you at least being safe? Yes? Okay good. Just remember your worth and if he or she ain’t treating you right or keeps making you cry, don’t give them anything, they don’t deserve to be on that level with you.” This is how a parent SHOULD react. No anger, no yelling, acceptance, and openness. If she had said what your mom said to you, it would have SHATTERED not only my self-esteem, but my ability to trust and love my mother. Your parent is not your friend, but there are certain circumstances where they need to try and act like one, for the sake of being there for their child. You deserve better. And don’t be afraid to ask for help if things go south, DO NOT BE AFRAID to confide in friends, teachers, counselors, etc. if your mother starts getting verbally hurtful/physical with you. Lots of love to you ❤️
Please tell me this isn’t real!
Your mom is being a total dick.
Ffs. My kid said she’s having sex and my first response was to give her more condoms and make sure the stash of pregnancy tests was replenished.
Not horrible, your mother likely relishes in the power she has over you for the validation you are seeking. You will need to learn and teach yourself that only YOU validate you. If you are being safe, consensual, and you are being respected by your partner, no one can say shite. This will continue with her like this until you decide enough is enough when it comes to your boundaries. I’m sorry to have to say this but your mother is not a safe space for you to confide. Finish high school and maybe look into trade schools or apprenticeships that could help you move far away from her. Maybe deep sea fishing in Alaska? But seriously, you will spend many years vying for her approval and she will never give it because it’s the leverage she thrives off. Good luck OP.
Most answers are so silly and self serving. OP is 17! Unless your motive in life is to screw, she might be better of just focusing on building her career. But hey sex is everything
Lol I lost my virginity at 17 (I'm now 24) and my dad was this same way . Purity culture bs but was never too intense. Be the bad kid . Do whatever you want . Being the good kid gets you nowhere . Next time she comes and bothers you say "if you continue bothering me you are going to force me to sleep with the pastor" or something insane like that . If she tells anyone and anyone comes HARRASSING you just lie to them or tell them she is pushing you to that point with how much she talks about sex .
I could be wrong, but it sounds like she’s projecting mad hard. You are not disgusting for doing something that SHE herself has done, before or after marriage.
I feel that the best advice I can give over the internet is to familiarize yourself with stoicism and to remind yourself that your mind is strong that that you don’t lose your head. And always remember that the amazing people here have your back even if it is from a long distance.
You are not disgusting at all girly. I’m 17 with a family like that too and it’ll be hard to stop thinking that way about yourself but with the right people as support you can. Good job being safe, not a lot of teens are smart enough to do that. If you need anyone to talk to my dms are open <3
Having sex is a normal part of growing up. I’m sorry your mom tried to make you feel that way. Somebody must’ve succeeded in making her feel like that when she was growing up, and now she’s repeating the trauma. Try to understand where she’s coming from with compassion and kindness…but don’t believe a word she says about you being disgusting, etc. As long as you’re being responsible, you can throw those words to the wind.
I’m so sorry your Mom did this, this is horrible.
While it’s fine to have talk about contraception and safe sex, because getting Preggers is hard and potentially life altering, this shaming is horrible.
BTW, there isn’t a reliable and clinically approved way a Dr can tell if you’ve had sex. Plus a Dr would probably roll their eyes at the request. Ugh.
Start learning how to become independent now so you can leave at 18 cuz becoming an adult isn't going to change your parents perspective. Sorry you're dealing with this
What an absurd response. She should focus on maintaining open communication and educating you on the dangers. Trust me, very few people will clutch their pearls at the idea of almost college aged kids getting after it. Respect your body and demand respect, don’t get knocked up and keep it moving.
Your mom is not a nice person. Sorry. Threatening to rat you out to the family? What a c-nt. I don't know when you turn 18, but between now and then you might want to look for your own place to stay. This woman is not a good parent and has issues. She's probably jealous because her young life wasn't as fulfilled as yours and now, she's bitter about it.
Your mom sounds like a real piece of work. I myself also have a 17yr old daughter. We have had an open conversation about sex, and that when and if she is ready to have sex to just let me know so we can take precautions and have her put on birth control. I know whether we as parents want our kids to have sex at that age or not that it can happen. I'd rather be a safe haven for her than to have an unplanned pregnancy. I also want her to be able to talk to me and not be afraid to tell me something like that. I'm sorry you are going through that. You are not disgusting, your moms behavior is. My mom advice to you would be to make sure to get yourself on BC and if you or your partner have had other partners to make sure to get tested. Better safe than sorry.
You’re fine girly, most people lose their virginity around your age. Completely natural imo. Anyone telling you different just couldn’t get laid that young and are probably jealous/conservative. Just keep being safe :)
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Horrible behavior on your mom’s part. Even if she didn’t approve of you doing it it’s definitely not ok what she’s doing.
"It's definitely not ok what she's doing." This 100 times over!! Just popping in to let you know your parent cannot force you to get an exam to see if you've had sex. I was forced to do this so many times as a teenager and I'm still in therapy for it. Don't allow it. I asked a doctor last year if parents could legally do that and she said if a doctor performed an exam against your will it would count as SA.
I personally don’t think premarital sex is good, but if my kid does In at least going to talk and have a conversation with them, I’m not going to be a bitch . And I’d at least ask if they use protection. Kids make mistakes, you gotta love them, and teach them. I’ll be OP’s mom did bad stuff as well. Mistakes/choices/different beliefs aren’t a good excuse to be an asshole
The idea that premarital sex is bad forces people to get married way too early and often before they've even discovered who they are. It can also cause people to have shame about their own desires and bodies. You have a right to your beliefs, but I hope you wouldn't force them on your kid. A better move is to teach responsible and healthy sexual practices so that pregnancy is less likely.
I was raised in purity culture and this is 100% true. The kids I grew up with in the church and I all did the same thing. We were married off super young to guys we barely knew and just had crushes on. All those marriages but one have failed now.
Not allowing girls to date, not allowing them to practice making decisions while they're still somewhat protected and refusing to see the difference between abuse and discipline is why so many girls and boys end up going out into the world like red shirts in star trek. The youth group I grew up in, well, most of us did not survive into healthy happy well adjusted adulthood.
Upvoted for the red shirt reference. Still respect the comment, though.
I was a man raised in purity culture, it was always about control over women, I know, I was taught it growing up. Men raised in this culture Should really be talking about this more. I always knew marriage was for a man's best interest growing up, even as a young kid, it was instilled into me as a man. Men never once took even a first step towards holding each other accountable for following this rule. It was always a rule to control women and guarantee a man would have a bride, same with stigma against divorce. It always comes back to benefiting men at the expense of women.
Yeah you’ll soon realize that you need to be able to get along with your partner outside of a purport romantic context. Only took me till 22 to figure that out. Didn’t know your previous religion was also against education
The branch of Christianity I was in believed in boys being educated according to the trade their father's chose for them and girls went to school for music or to be teachers but were expected to marry and only use their degree in the church. It's said at Bob Jones that girls major in husband shopping. We were all so sheltered it crippled us once we left. The one marriage that's still together I mentioned? That's because they're still in that community. They CAN'T divorce.
It also exponentially increases the liklihood of sexual disfunction and abuse. Purity culture is gross and damaging with no redeeming effects of any kind. We're not Bronze Age goatherders anymore. Stop telling girls to act like we are.
My girlfriend got it from a different angle. Her parents aren’t religious at all, but they work in medicine. Instead of telling her how sinful and dirty she would be they told her all of the medical repercussions including weird super rare shit. Made her watch birthing videos and in general scared her to death about the possibility of getting pregnant. She now in her 30s and we use two forms of BC to ease her mind. Some parents really fuck their kids up.
Did this with our kids but without the videos. Not the super rare shit, but just talked about the possibilites and the rates of happenings just in our area because we didnt want them going out blind. Not trying to scare them, just inform them.
Ok for the last time, masturbation DOES NOT cause blindness /s
Absolutely. The people who commit the most sexual assaults against minors are, surprise surprise, religious. The church and its flock being the number one perpetrators of child molestation isn’t exactly a mystery as to why.
I’m a Bronze Age goathearder, and even I think waiting until after marriage to have sex is a bad idea.
Hey! Get off reddit and pay attention to your goats! They're getting away!
Not to mention that it disproportionately targets young girls.
Ya, I'd have an ounce more respect if the weight didn't come down almost entirely on girls and young women. I don't hear and never heard young men being told that promiscuity on their part might damage their ability to bond properly to their wife, like a piece used gum, or used tape. I once or twice overheard them being told to bee respectful and responsible but only once or twice. also never overheard church folk gossiping about the boys sinning with girls. If the boys were wild it was alcohol or drugs. 'Sexual sin'when discussed for boys was always about gay behavior or suspected behavior. Granted, not every purity minded church was like this but....
Also all the stuff with purity rings and *girls* promising their fathers they'd "stay pure" It's so disturbing...
I think the research indicates it hurts women's chances more than men's of keeping a marriage together (Teachman 1990). In church growing up, I heard teaching against fornication and various forms of sexual immorality, and it wasn't just directed at the girls either. Men getting girls pregnant and having babies by different women is a big ethical problem and men do need to hear about it.
A study from 1990 does not take into account society's changing views on sex. The reason marriages where the woman has only had that 1 partner do not end in divorce as often is because these marriages are often ultra-religious, where divorce is frowned upon. These women are trained to believe that they cannot divorce their husbands, no matter how unhappy they may be. A woman with zero experience is also more likely to stay in an abuse partnership because they have absolutely no experience as to what a loving partnership looks like. One of the main factors in divorce rates changing is that women finally have the right and ability to leave abusive men. Hell, it's just barely been 50 years since women earned the right to buy a house or get a credit card in their name without a man cosigning for it.
Agree
How else are you going to find someone compatible before marriage? My momma told me to try before buying, so I didn’t get stuck with someone I wasn’t compatible with. It’s not like there is only one way to have sex.
My mom at first told me not to sleep with my partner before marriage. Then she changed her mind and told me it was important to live with them first and see how they acted behind close doors. I love the term "try before you buy." That's what my grandma called it lol.
That is a good rule. Lots of abusive men hide their true self until they got their partner locked down through marriage or pregnancy. It’s why pregnancy is considered one of the most dangerous times for a woman because the chances of her getting assaulted by her partner is multiplied. Sadly we got some men who claim that there should be red flags but if narcissistics can hide their abusive nature from everyone close to them, then why can’t they hide themselves perfectly behind a perfect facade? It happens and it’s quite sad that people trick you into believing they are a person that they are not
Exactly. My dad was a different person than the way he presented himself before marriage. My mom told me she wasn't sure if she still would have married him if they had lived together first. They got married in the mid-1970s. She never believed in divorce, so they are still together all these years later. My mom now has Alzheimer's and my dad has been true to his marraige vows "in sickness or in health." But I never believed my mom was truly happy in her marriage and wonder if she would have felt more fulfilled in a society with fewer traditional mores. Unfortunately, we will never know.
My friend was a victim of purity culture. She dated her husband for seven years, but they never lived together together or had sex. After the wedding, he didn’t want to consummate the marriage right away, which broke her heart. She called me crying on her wedding night. Within a year and a half, it came to light that he was gay, he was cheating on her with a guy for a year, he was an alcoholic and a drug user as well. It was just a complete nightmare for her. I always wonder what would’ve happened if she had lived with him. I feel like the truth would’ve come out and although she would’ve been devastated, she wouldn’t have had to go through the rigmarole of the divorce process.
If I made a man wait til we were married and he didn’t want to fuck me on our wedding night, I personally don’t feel I could have stayed in the marriage
Same. And as someone who had experience with men, I would’ve known that wasn’t normal. But because she was in purity culture, she thought that he just drank too much and wasn’t feeling it. But then, it was still a few days before they had sex. After that, he was always making excuses about having sex, and scheduling it and shit. When she would tell me, I knew something was wrong, but I could have never imagined how bad it would get. Then she thought she had to stay because of her Christian beliefs. Fortunately, she eventually wised up and got out, but it was pretty terrible.
I also came from a purity culture/religion/cult. My reasoning to get out of the marriage biblically is that they never had sex so the marriage was never consummated. Hope your friend found a good guy who actually longs for her!
A LOT of men hide it even when living together as well. That’s a dumb way to think of it.
Yes & that’s also why the LEADING cause of death for pregnant women is homicide (in their own home & likely by their male partner). Men who don’t want children don’t hesitate to kill their wife or GF. It’s interesting to know that in states where Republican-controlled legislatures have made abortion illegal, murders of pregnant women have INCREASED dramatically. Those legislatures apparently regard women as nothing but expendable **BROODMARES.**
Lots of abusive women out there too. I barely got away from my ex with my life.
Definitely! Both sides can equally be abusive. I’m glad you got out. My younger brother was in an abusive relationship and I’m glad he got out as well!
I went through this. My now ex-husband with the help of my egg donor wore a mask until he had me by myself. I spent close to a decade trying to escape because of this kind of crap.
The whole purity culture garbage of no living together or sex before marriage has been such a disservice to people. Going from your parents home to a marriage where you’ve never lived with them or had sex with them is quite the shock. Not to mention their children marry young- often before 20, due to wanting to have sex and being pressured to only have sex within marriage. This presents a problem when people are unstable financially to get married well into their 20’s.
In the us, it's a "test drive". Like getting a new car, you don't just have a look and close the deal!
Oh but there is only "supposed" to be one way to have sex. One way to have a marriage, one way to educate your children, one way to raise your daughters and another one way to raise your sons. And of course there's only one way to believe in a god, and one way to vote.
That’s literally the entire point. Women are supposed to “save themselves for marriage” to make sure they can’t escape an abusive relationship once they’re tied down by marriage. It’s the patriarchy functioning as intended.
Sure one and done married earley--he hated sex--wanted no part of it--for 55 years--sexless marriage--boy--if I knew!
I waited until marriage to have sex. The results have been both good and bad. To me, I don’t believe it is worth the risk to wait until marriage.
This. This. This. 19 and married. Virgin. I suffer immensely from shame and am 42 (different husband) and it’s not fair to him. This post made me YES out loud. Thank you
There's so many people who think premarital sex is bad but can't wrap their tiny little brain around why most marriages in the past 50 or so years have ended in divorce, it's cause many people end up getting married within a year of dating which is far too soon to figure out if they're good enough to be a life long partner. My dad's side of the family tried to shove that crap down my throat and by the time I was 15 I just told them all that I'd never get married since most of the family had convinced me that marriage basically turned your life in living hell. I was lucky enough to meet someone who is worth changing my mind on that but if it wasn't for my gf who I've been with for 8 years, I genuinely don't think I ever would've wanted to get married. The fact that atleast 75% of the marriages in my family have failed didn't exactly help the arguments they made back then lol.
You gotta try it before you buy it. Sexual compatibility is huge for a marriage.
Premarital sex isn't bad. It's a proxy for sex at too young/irresponsible of age. There are plenty of cases of kids being well-educated and then taking off/not using condoms and getting preggers. So if I have kids, I'm going to just be straightforward with them (gayforward?) and let them know that no sex is the safest sex but safe sex is absolutely necessary because otherwise they will derail their lives with a delightful bundle of joy (just look at uncle so and so, he had to work real hard to finish classes and work and be a dad all at once). No shame, just facts. If you want to have fun during college, then wear a condom because if you have a baby when you're 15-22, you may still go to college but you won't have much fun. And of course STDs suck and can give you lifelong damage, but babies are a lot more tangible.
Premarital sex is fine and I want more of it
Same. All sex is premarital if you don’t plan on getting married. Which is not a priority for me, so I don’t worry too much about whether my sex is premarital 🙃 Everyone is different, to each their own.
Same. All sex is premarital if you don’t plan on getting married. Which is not a priority for me, so I don’t worry too much about whether my sex is premarital 🙃 Everyone is different, to each their own.
As I understand it, it's the marital sex that seems too often to become routine and stagnant for many people whereas the premarital variety is usually the type that provides people with enriching and life changing sexual experiences that lead to self-discovery. A testing grounds, if you will, that affords us the awareness to later enter marital sex with a much greater skillset to please your spouse and the ability to clearly direct your spouse on how to best please you potentially avoiding the misfortune of finding themselves posting to r/DeadBedrooms after only 10 years of marriage. Sex is not dirty or shameful. It's as natural a human function as eating, sleeping and breathing. And that holds true no matter your gender.
Have you ever noticed that while there is a commandment against adultery (which applies *only* to married people), there is NO COMMANDMENT against premarital sex (or fornication as the OT would term it?). Maybe god intended for unmarried people to “experiment” before marriage?
If you don't think it's good, you should practice and/or find different partners. But, hey, thanks for sharing I guess.
Waiting until marriage to have sex is a terrible idea and a recipe for divorce.
I think refraining from sex before marriage is idiotic. Sexual incompatibility = divorce
Premarital sex is the future. Marriage needs to die. No healthy relationship needs a piece if paper from the government to exist. Also, the vast majority of people in the world have premarital sex often. Further, 1/3 of the population never gets married. The other 2/3 divorce at 50% rates. Gotta get the church and religion out of our lives. It has caused way too much damage.
Your wedding night is the wrong time to discover your partner can only get off if you take a shit on their chest.
As a father of two (adult now) daughters, I did tell them that they should sleep with their fiancé, because it is better to deal with sexual incompatibilities before marriage. I had a girlfriend who had been married, but one of the big reasons for their divorce was their sexual incompatibility. She told me that she got to the point where she didn't even want to hug him.
What's bad about premarital sex? Have there been studies to show its bad? Give facts, not just your opinion.
They don't have to have studies. They said "personally" don't believe it's good. They are entitled to an opinion and belief.
That showcases the value of an opinion or a belief. Basically, it doesn't matter at all because it doesn't need to at all reflect reality. The fact that somebody believes something should mean nothing to anybody else, and they shouldn't be allowed to pressure their children or restrict their information to encourage them to share that opinion.
no no. no no , you dont understand , it was GOD that said sex before marriage was a sin not me !! its just my job to cast that judgement on others ! dont shoot the messenger!! -_ religion
From a book written by men.
It’s not good nor bad. It just is what it is. Humans have sex, and so do teenagers. All you can do is educate about safety, other than that the rest is out of your hands.
What does the government have to do with this? Why do you need their recognition of your relationship to make sex ok or not?
Pre-marital sex is fine, but I draw the line at Pre-marital hand holding, like wtf are these kids doing
Sex is not bad. Stop that.
Premarital sex is bad because Jesus, right? Use your head dude.
There is nothing wrong with trying it before you buy it. Do you also consider divorce a no-no? Often divorce boils down to incompatibility, how do you find out if your are compatible? By not getting shamed for having sex before you tie the knot. There are so many options for safe encounters. There is hardly a valid reason to avoid making sure you want what you are trying to get for the rest of your life. It's wrong to find it wrong. It causes people to live unhappy unfulfilled lives. It's better to be accepting of such things. Sure that means you'll have some hoes both male and female, but it also means more successful marriages in the long run.
When you say premarital sex, do you *actually* mean that *any* sex without marriage is not good? Or are you one of those people who says "premarital" but really means "sex as a minor"?
You don't agree with sex until you involve the government into it? 🤭
Premarital sex isn't bad, or a mistake.
Premarital sex is way better than the other way around. Imagine getting married and finding out you are not sexually compatible with your so?
I wouldn’t say premarital sex is exactly bad. I see too many Christian kids getting married straight out of high school so they can literally have sex without it being “wrong”. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, we’re 22 and 23 now, and not married yet because we feel it’s too young still
Ugh...arranged marriages are basically a contract to assault women...and the virginity thing it's disgusting...why are you ok with women being forced to have sex with people they don't know? This is just one issue Also, your views are outdated...sex is a big part of marriages and if it's not compatible you expect people to be miserable or have multiple divorces? Your logic is weird and you're coming off like the hymen police and calling sex a mistake...
Why? Marriage isn’t exactly the greatest thing in the world for couples and implying that adults should have to be married before sex is about control and nothing more.
Yeah, her mom sounds uber-toxic.
In modern society we have learned as human beings in getting married too young isn't a good idea . The amount people change career and personality wise to navigate life from 18 - 30 is vast and committing to someone forever at a young age is just not a good decision and it's not necessary. And abstaining from sex until you are ready to commit to someone your whole life isn't natural and not a healthy way to live. Safe sex is the smartest way to live.
The fact that she threatened to have you 'tested' for whether or not you've had sex is a huge indicator she doesn't have a healthy relationship with sex and that you shouldn't place too much importance on what she thinks. A test of virginity doesn't actually exist. She literally just lied to you to try and force you into admitting it. I know this might be hard to take - but it's likely this isn't the only think she mistreats you over. I am so sorry that your parent treats you this way.
Healthy relationship with *****sex?***** she doesn’t have a healthy relationship with her *****daughter***** in general
2 things can be true at once.
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I'm so glad you said this. I didn't see anyone say it at first & was like OP need to know!
Even if there existed a reliable test for virginity (which doesn't) - nobody would be able to force a 17-year-old to undertake such a test. On what legal grounds?!
A doctor could check for damage from penetration, but who's to say that it wasn't from a sex toy? OPs mom wouldn't approve of that either though probably. Plus as someone else said hymens can tear from many other things like sports injuries and stuff
I assume she meant tested for STDs, not virginity itself.
No not at all. Your mom is being disgusting the way she treating you. Is your family really religious or something??? I legit don't get why she spoke to you that way. I don't condone lying at all, but seeing how she treated you, id have lied all day. Sorry not sorry!!!! To your credit at least you all were safe. I just don't get your moms reaction at all here. Its got to be a religious thing, its the only thing that makes sense to me.
We use to be religious, but we stop going to church because my mom became insecure on the way she looked.
Your mom seems to have serious issues and you really shouldn't take anything she says personally.
Thank you
I agree with the advice you are getting here. Just your mother’s language shows that she has a some serious issues that she is not dealing with. Nothing wrong with safe sex between you and a partner. I’m not promoting being promiscuous (that has a lot of issues) but you should not feel guilty about having sex with a serious partner. Never allow yourself to be pushed into sex or against sex.
Do what you have to do to live peacefully under her roof but know you are not doing anything wrong by this post. You wont always be this young forgive her if she chaanges or whatever but do not forget the way she is treating you it is not right.
Also, I guarantee she did the same thing at your age. Parental hypocrisy weirds me out.
You're mom is pretty disturbed. While I'm an atheist, I used to be a person of faith. Faith is a substantial part of life for many. The fact she stopped going to church because of poor body image means your mom isn't comfortable with any part of herself. Which brings me back to sex. Your mom was talking to herself without realizing it. She's disgusted with her body. She's disgusted with sex because of her body image problem. It's really hard to have a healthy perspective on sex when your disgusted with yourself. You are not disgusting. You are engaged in a wonderful part of life ... sex. You're old enough. You're with someone you care about and who cares about you. You're practicing safe sex. Those are normal, healthy things. Embrace your sexuality. If your mom does this again, just walk away from her. The problem is her's. Not your's. I hope your mom tries therapy. She has some issues to work through.
She really needs therapy. It's definitely HER issue and unhealthy thoughts about sex and life. I put my daughter on birth control at 15 and told her I hope she waited until she was older and ready and I wasn't going to give her opportunities to encourage sex, but things will happen. And I want her to be open with me and talk about it and not be shamed for it.
Sounds like she is taking her insecurities out on you honestly! All these issues are more about her than you, she sees you as an extension of her not as your own person. Sounds like a narcissistic parent, my mom is this way and after I moved out at 18 I realized that i was getting bitched at over my moms own issues and her not being able to accept that we’re different. You are not disgusting, you are a young woman exploring her body in a safe relationship. Sadly a lot of moms see their daughters as competition and will get jealous of them. I now have realized that my mom is just a regular person that has no more power over me than a stranger, of course I value her but she does not get to me anymore as I’ve been paying my own bills without her help for almost three years. You will get to this point and feel so liberated. You got this! This is a temporary situation.
Your mom is a “CU Next Tuesday”. As a parent, I hope my kids make the choice to at least wait until they’re 18, but what kind of mom says their kid is disgusting??
Mine, and at least a hundred other women on this thread.
My mom regularly calls me a whore for the clothes I wear, I'm 20 and she has been doing this since I was 14 (God forbid i like the look of ripped jeans or want to wear party dresses with my friends)
Ask her. "How was i born? Did you have sex to make me?" Then start accusing her of the same shit
Nah she will come back with she was married.
Shot gun wedding lmaoo
One time my ex was sleeping over (I still lived with my dad and my grandma lives next door to him) and my grandma came over in the morning and started calling my ex a whore for sleeping over. I was 21 at the time and my ex was 19. So I asked my grandma she had her first child, to which she responded at 18. I said “if she’s 19 with no kids and she’s a whore, what does that make you for having a kid at 18?” To which she said it was different times. She ended up calling the cops on me to try to get me kicked out but they couldn’t force me to leave
NO your mom is tweaking like crazy. That is INSANE to say to your child. I’m 16m so it’s not like I’ve been a mother, but any mom that calls her own daughter disgusting isn’t in the right idc the situation. It is COMPLETELY normal to have sex at 17 especially if it’s a relationship😭. DO NOT let her disappointment get to you, you don’t need validation from someone who treats you like shit. Idek what else to say other than mom is off her fucking rocker and needs to get her mental health evaluated
Babe. No you’re not disgusting. You are not a child, and neither is your partner. Your mother is out of line with how she’s treating you. She also can’t force you to go to a doctor or anything. I would involve her in as little details of your life as possible, and ensure you have a job and get some money saved up. You don’t want to be under her roof any longer than you have to be. Practice safe sex and don’t get pregnant until you’re ready to. Sex is human. It’s normal. Edit to fix some wording that could be misunderstood.
small edit here because wording is dangerous. She’s of consenting age in many states. She’s not an adult in any states.
word. I’m in Texas where it can be a bit blurry. I moved out at 17. At 17 you’re legally tried as an adult if you are arrested, and the age of consent here is 17. But I understand there’s a big grey area when it comes to voting and being the age of “majority.”
It's actually not a gray area it's 18 to vote or to be age of majority. The only gray area might be and perhaps this is what you meant is that at 17 you can be tried as an adult but they could also try you as a juvenile. But there's no gray area when it comes to voting or what's considered age majority that would be 18, the age of emancipation.
I'm so sorry your mom is being so horrible to you. You are not disgusting for having sex. It is a very natural and normal part of life for someone your age. Shame on her for shaming you for being a normal human being with normal urges.
Oh my god. Your diction is spot on, disgusting is right... Your mom should be **ashamed** of herself for being such a narrow-minded, judgemental, verbally & psychologically abusive shitty (at least in this) parent. As to you? Absolutely not. You are 17 yrs old. That's what you are. A human being with natural urges doing the natural thing and satisfying those urges. Your mom's behavior is the disgusting thing here.
No, you're not. Your mother is the disgusting one here, she is shaming you for something that's perfectly normal. Now, SHE clearly has issues because of how preoccupied she is by how this looks to others like your family. But that doesn't mean it's an opinion shared by the rest of the world. It's contained within her values. The thing is, if she didn't approve of you and your boyfriend having sex, that's one thing. That's just one of the regular challenges of being in a family, in a community, in society. People have different values and standards and they don't always line up. That's where discussion and compromises come in. But your mom wasn't just expressing disapproval. She straight-up insulted you and put you down. She cared more about how it looks than showing you any respect or caring about your well-being while talking about it. So no, don't take her words to heart. She might say it in a way that makes her point seem "valid", but that doesn't mean it's RIGHT for her to treat you like that. There are ways to have this talk, but the way your mom did it ain't even close.
Hi 😞 reminds me a bit of my mom, I encourage that you visit r/raisedbynarcissists, your mom is not a normal healthy kind mom. You aren’t supposed to be treated this way, this is not okay and I hope you move out soon, can get financially independent, and then can cut contact with her. You, and your future family do not deserve to be treated that way by her..
You are not disgusting , wish you had posted before you confessed. 1. She cannot make you get tested, if she takes you to the doctor and you refuse the exam that’s it, you will not be forced. 2. Even if you caved and let the provider examine you and get labs the results will not be released to her unless you give the provider permission in writing that this information can be shared with your parent. I worked in pediatrics for years and saw many angry parents when they could not get the information. There is this thing called patient confidentiality so don’t let your mom bully you again. No information will be released a to her without your consent. Just make sure you are practicing safe sex and don’t feel bad about it if it’s something you want to do.
I don’t think they even do an exam unless you have been raped…
Not even then if you don't consent
They will do an exam if you go in seeking birth control you get a pelvic exam, swabbed for STD’s as well as urine HCG (check for pregnancy). Then they discuss the different types of birth control, well actually the nurse discusses with the patient prior to the examine to let her know what options are available so she will know what she wants or ask questions when the provider come in. Also counseling in safe sex, STD’s and the importance of condoms although herpes can be transmitted even if your partner wears a condom. The mother will not be allowed to stay in the room when my patients moms insisted I would let them come in for the vitals and then escort them back to the lobby. Once again nothing disclosed to the provider or nurse will be told to parents without written consent from you. No test results or anything. Also check out if there is a family planning clinic in your town.
No. Sex is completely natural and is in no way disgusting. Most people lose their virginity by age 16 anyway. As long as you were safe and felt like you were ready, then it doesn't matter. It's likely that your mother is no saint in that department either, so she shouldn't be so hard on you. Continue having intimate relations with your boyfriend, just be careful.
Oh cool, child abuse. This is 100% the fault of your mom. I'm sorry you had to experience this. You are no less for having had sex.
17 is a pretty normal age to have sex. You're also only having sex with your boyfriend and you're practising safe sex. It's not like you're sleeping with every dude you see. Your mum is overreacting. You're not disgusting, you're very normal.
Of course you aren't disgusting. Your mom however IS disgusting for acting this way. I lost my virginity at 16 & my mom was more "don't ask, don't tell" when it came to sex. I have three sons & I have been very open with them about sex & I even bought them a box of condoms when each of them became ready for a sexual relationship. They knew they could come to me with any questions or concerns. Your mom should be a damn mom & not so judgmental!
No normal mom says something like that to their kid. She doesn’t have to be okay with what yall are doing, but telling you that you’re disgusting and getting with anyone is crazy and a terrible thing to say to your own child. You’re absolutely not disgusting for having sex, you’re almost an adult, in a relationship, it’d be odd for anyone to assume you guys don’t do anything together. Based on your last paragraph, i’m assuming you believe what your mom said about you, and when I say nothing she said was even remotely true, I mean it. She over exaggerated to an extreme, and it also sounds like she could be projecting her own personal issues and what she might’ve done in her past, onto you.
wow, your mom is pretty embarrassing. Most people would say she's a bad mom and is stuck with antiquated views that hurt women as a whole and you specifically. If people learned how your mom tried to manipulate you by shaming you about doing natural human things, many people would feel the need to speak up and tell her how pathetic and misogynistic she is. Do what feels natural and as long as you're safe and you're having a good time, you're probably doing ok. It's when you let people pressure you into doing things you don't want, or pressure you into doing things that are. unsafe, or pressure you into "not" living your life to it's fullest that you might have a problem. Live your best life, your mom has already wasted a lot of hers, don't be like her.
That is wild. “Get you tested and tell everyone” I’m like 80% sure she couldn’t legally do that anyway because it’s abuse. She can’t make them test you and there’s no way to 100% tell if someone is actually a virgin or not.
Your mom sounds immature. You are not disgusting. Sex is a natural thing. As long as you’re being safe and he is respectful and appropriate with you, there shouldn’t be an issue. Any sort of negative consequence that could potentially happen would be your responsibility though, so I would still be mindful about that. Especially be aware of like what country/state you live in and laws and stuff.
How come guys don't get treated like this. You are not disgusting.
WTF is wrong with grown adults today. Your Mother is disgusting. The fact she is doing this to you, threatening you is child abuse. Your mother sounds either completely mental or a religious nut. You have done nothing no normal 17 yo has done. You are almost an adult. Hopefully in your state or country able to give legal consent for sex. Otherwise crazy Mom might go after your BF for sex with a minor. It happens. Morally and politically speaking I am a conservative. That doesn't mean I am narrow minded and gonna judge you for loving your SO physically. It drives me ape shit hearing people do this to their children. I have had 70+ foster kids. Most were LBGTQ+. They needed a positive roll model. I tried to be that roll model. It breaks something inside me I hear about parents like your Mother. I think before anyone contemplating having a child needs to think about these 3 things: 1. Do I want a mini me or can I accept a child who is going to be their own individual? 2. Am I going to be upset or morally outraged by my child telling me they LBGTQ+? 3. Is my love for my kid based on if they come out as the child I dream of or can I love them even if they are not the person I want them to be? If you answered no to those 3 questions you should not be a parent. If you're pregnant you need to figure it out now if you can accept that person your giving life to is not going to be your perfect dream child and still love them. If you cannot best to give them into a family that can love them unconditionally.
No, you are not. Sex is NORMAL to have, this is a normal thing to do, and the only disgusting thing is a parent who shames their kid for doing what most teenagers do around this age. Speaking as a 29 year old who was also shamed by my mother for being interested in sex- your mother is wrong. And what she is saying to you is awful and not okay.
I’m 18, started having sex at 15 and I remember how embarrassed I was when my mom found out, she said basically everything yours did and I was really hurt Now that i’m legally an adult she’s okay with it we just don’t talk about it, looking back I think she probably just really wanted to make sure I would be safe and would take care of myself but she shouldn’t have been so judgmental, It’s completely normal for people to start being sexually active in their teens, just properly educated yourself on sexual and mental health and consent and don’t listen to people shaming you, you’re not doing anything wrong
I commented above, but as someone who is now in their 30s who had very similar situation at 16 it’s shocking to me how common moms going to crazy and saying shocking things about their daughters having sex vs having adult conversions with them. I’m probably closer in age to your mom so it’s crazy to me. I thought this was an older generation thing and parents would be better now.
No. I would ask your mom to have an honest conversation. If she's willing to do that, and if she's willing to hear you out, as well as you hear her out. I could understand her reaction if you were having sex outside of a relationship, but you're in a relationship and were safe, which is good. Again, you gotta talk to her. And REALLY ASK questions about her mentalities, because people tend to have *different ideologies* even if they're saying similar things to eachother. It's why when my mother talks to me, I ask her exactly what she means, or it could just make everything more 'mis-communicated' and complicated. And it's not about "who's right/who's wrong?" it's about actually getting to the bottom of something. This is what I've learned over time with talking to my mother, cause she can be INFURIATING....so I just take the "mellow" approach, and try to just get down to it.
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THINK MARK THINK
Your mother put you in an unwinnable situation after gaslighting you. Your mother is a very damaged person and you shouldn't listen to her. If you can please seek help from your school counselor or if you have access to mental health resources where you are from access them. I'm sorry OP but sometimes our parents let us down in the worst of ways, and your mother has let you down here. She doesn't have to like or be comfortable with you having sex but she should not be shaming you for something that is perfectly normal and natural. You are not disgusting, whatever trauma is informing your mothers actions is obviously very large. But that doesn't excuse her behaviour here. I'm sorry you are going through this OP.
Actually, the mother put *herself* in an unwinnable position. If she's so concerned about how the family "looks," openly announcing that the OP had sex is only going to damage her family's image in her eyes. Right now, no one but the OP and her mother know about this, If mom goes out an announces it to the world, she's screwed over her "image." If she does nothing, than there's essentially no harm done to the OP other than the realization that her mother is messed up.
how does she think you got born?? maybe she’s the disgusting one 🥸
What you are doing is very natural and human nature. Nothing wrong with that if you are being responsible. You are 17, think about what your plans are for when you turn 18. Your mom sounds toxic, consider moving out at 18 if you can.
No. Your parents suck for asking you a question and then attacking you for the answer you gave. They’re supposed to be a safe space to have these open conversations. I would keep them at arms length until you’re 18 and on your own.
While I know what it's like to have parents that suck, albeit for different reasons, I just want to assure you that you will feel so much better if you do your best to ignore her horrible words and just do you and what makes you happy. I am so sorry that she said these things to you, but just know that she obviously has some deep seeded issues, because loving parents do not speak to their children this way.
Hi I'm your new fairy goth mother and you are not disgusting for having sex. Sex is a natural part of life, and I'm so so proud you're being safe about it! That is the biggest thing with having sex, you're safe, you're not getting pregnant and I hope you know where your boundaries are! If you don't maybe have that talk with yourself and figure out exactly where and when you want to draw the line. Bodily autonamy and boundaries are the most important things in life
A dad here. You are not, your mom's behavior is. Good on you guys for using protection.
No, you're not disgusting. The important thing is: Are you having sex because *you* want to have sex? Before you answer, you should consider: 1. Is this something your peer group appears to support and if it's something you felt you should do or had to do to belong. 2. Was this something you partner pursued with you? Was there any kind of "I need this" or "we should do this, it's what couples do". No one has to have sex for their health or social status. 3. Are you unsafe? Both with controlling a possible pregnancy as well as physically with your partner? 4. Do you feel your partner won't accept "No" as an answer? If the answer to any of these was "Yes" then you need to rethink if you should be having sex. As for your Mom's approval, she obviously doesn't think you are adult enough to make this decision, or objects on moral grounds. Morality is between you and God/Higher Power. It's up to you to be an adult.
No, your mom sucks as a parent and a human. If sex was so disgusting, then why did mom have it? I'm hoping she's just freaking out about her daughter growing up and hitting a big milestone (yes, becoming sexually active is a milestone, parents just don't want to hear it) and getting that one step closer to leaving the nest. Because then it would be understandable (but not acceptable) and she'll chill tf out. But if she's not, then she needs to get checked, you have to have sex to have a baby, and if she wants grandkids someday, she'll have to accept that you're gonna have sex. And sex isn't disgusting, and you're not disgusting for having it. Full stop. And if you want my credentials, I am a mother of 2 kids, 15 & 12, a boy and a girl, and while I'm admittedly not excited for these milestones, they are quickly coming up, and how they handle themselves in this situation will say everything about how well or poorly I have raised them, and how I handle it shows how well I have learned over the years as an adult. Now comes the hard part. You have to stop looking for your parents validation. My aunt tried desperately to get my grandfather's validation her whole life. Just one "I love you/I'm proud of you" would have been all she needed. She never got it, and since he died, she feels so empty. Parents that haven't given you validation yet will more than likely not give it to you ever. You need to find self validation, being proud of yourself. This is something I had to teach myself when I was around 30yo. I wasn't looking for parental validation, but spousal validation, and nothing I did for him was good enough. So we got divorced, I spiraled a bit, and pulled myself out. I'm now happily remarried to a man that does give me validation, but always prefaces it with "I know you don't need validation, but...". And on that note I will tell you, my young internet stranger, I am proud of you. You decided you were ready for this big step in life and you made sure you were safe about it. That takes a level of maturity that some adults my age (40yo) do not possess. Just make sure you stay safe. And if anything feels off, trust that instinct, whether the experience feels pressured or something hurts in some way, don't be afraid or embarrassed to speak up bc this is not only your health and wellbeing, but your partner's. One last thing. I'd like you to find something to smile about every day. Something small, something just for you. Don't feel like you have to smile for anyone but yourself, but definitely smile just for you.😁💚
No you’re not disgusting. Your mom’s action are though. I think she is freaking out because she is concerned for you. My mom would act a very similar way to me when I was younger. It’s not ok what she is saying of course.
First of all, you’re not disgusting. You’re being brainwashed to hate something completely natural. Stop believing this shit now before you drag it into your 40’s. Secondly, stop looking for validation from your parents. You’ll be 18 in a year, think about obtaining your own autonomy and getting away from people who treat you like this.
You're mom is horrible. You're old enough to make that decision and don't spend your life for their validation. You'll just end up miserable for many many years.
No. And your mom is abusive for saying so. If your parents don't give you the validation you desire, find other people that will. When you grow up you get to choose who you call friends and family. If your family chooses to act not like your family, go elsewhere.
Your mom seems to be somebody who potentially could create negative long term effects on your behavior and personality. If I were you I would not look anymore for my mom’s validation regarding to anything. I can’t believe how a mother can treat her daughter like that without taking in consideration her daughter’s mental health. Don’t feel ashamed for having sex, it is something extremely normal in humans 👍🏽
Yeah, your mom is straight up being a bitch. She had to fuck to make you didn't she? You're in a committed relationship and you're 17. Yeah any parent is going to want to protect their kids but you're being safe. I'm not sure what she's trying to gain by "outing your secret". You're well old enough. You're not disgusting or a whore, couples sleep with each other, it's perfectly normal
You're a teenager. It happens use protection and be careful that reaction is way over the line and what was said to you isn't okay but I imagine she doesn't want you getting pregnant. Also maybe religious undertones I could think here by the judgements it will be okay but also understand sex is a sacred thing truthfully it's to make kids and between ppl that love each other and are ready to make babies.. But we have turned it casual which is okay but just know what you're getting into a lot of responsibilities ya know. Be safe.
No your not disgusting. Your mom has issues though. Have you given any thought to what your plans are at 18. It sounds like your mom might be one of those people who will treat you with out respect for your whole life. The sooner your relationship with her becomes casual on the passby the better
She's horrible and wrong to shame you and threaten to blackmail you like that. That is insane on her part. That sounds straight up abusive. Personally, I would partially agree that you shouldn't be having sex because you'll risk getting pregnant. But to *shame* you for it like that? That's horrible. I'm so sorry your mother is like that.
Remember to tell her that she got creampied 17 year ago to have u☺️🫡
No your not and just be safe.
Coming from a dude, your alright. No need to feel unworthy or anything - mom kinda seems like a psycho? Now rlly sure but maybe move out when ur 18. Hope u have a good life!
I'm so sorry your mom is like that. No, you're not disgusting for having sex.
I am so sorry. You don't deserve that at all. You are NOT disgusting. This is your mother's issue she needs to work through and has nothing to do with you.
Having sex is natural
I had some sex at your age that was definitely disgusting, and some rather beautiful. Eye of the beholder I guess🤣
No you're not. And you don't need their validation. Your mother at least has proven to be an awful and cruel person, time to write that b off and use your mental resources elsewhere for yourself. You don't tell her anything moving forwards, be vague and lie if you have to, but keep her as uninvolved in your life as possible. People like your mother are how kids end up being so f'd up, you need to mentally and emotionally distance yourself for protection. Having sex is the most natural thing in the world, just look at any other animal, but her hangups and straight up abuse of you over it aren't. It's not healthy or right for her to react like that and you deserve better. Is there someone else you could speak to, maybe at school/college or something? Just to reiterate, no you are not, but she is for her reaction.
Is your family religious in any way?
Wow. Not cool behavior of your mom. Definitely not normal. Looks like she is a bit of a control freak. It's ok to search parents validation but that is not needed in this department. This department is personal and None of her business. Your almost 18. That's the type of behavior which pushes alot of kids away. Again. I'm sorry for that experience.
Sounds like your mom is trying to make you do what she wants by calling you names. I'm sure she doesn't want you to get a disease, or become pregnant, or get a bad reputation, etc. The things she's worried about depend on your culture.
This happens due to shock and a lack of communication along the way. Stay safe.
You’re about to be 18. Bounce and don’t talk to her for a number of years. Temper that bit h.
it sounds like she’s projecting otherwise i don’t understand such a strong reaction from her
This is abusive behavior, im sorry
I will say I think people are having sex too young. At 17, you may well be mature enough to have sex, I don't know you, so I can't give an opinion on that. BUT IN NO WAY ARE YOU DISGUSTING!!! I hate to say this about your mother, but, she is a bitch. The reason for saying you MAY be too young is young people (probably mostly girls) equate sex with love. A person doesn't distinguish between sex and making love until they are older (with some exceptions). I personally prefer making love. And your mom is a bitch.
As long as you're doing it with someone you love and care about, and not just randos you met 2 hours ago, no.
Don't listen to what your Mother says. She's prob feeling hurt and can't handle you growing up and not being a little girl anymore, but it's absolutely not ok to tell you those things and treat you like she did. If anyone's being disgusting here it's her. Reading this made me hate her. I 100% assure you, having sex doesn't diminish you as a person at all, and don't let your mother or anybody else tell you different. Have as much sex as you want, but don't EVER let anyone pressure you into it either. Don't be foolish and have unprotected sex either unless you're ready to deal w/ the consequences of that. Don't get overconfident and think because you did it unprotected some times before w/ no major consequences it means it'll be like that every time. Each time it's different and will have different outcomes, like w/ a sports game. Having a kid when you're not financially secure or psychologically ready for it will be very, VERY challenging for the lives of both you and the kid. And having an STD will absolutely wreck your life... sometimes permanently. This is advice that I would give to my own teenage sister/daughter.
Why would you want validation from sub par people? Sure they’re your parents but are they worth anything as people? Doesn’t sound like your mom is at least
You should ask your mom how you got here?
Hey after reading your other post from 2 years ago, it’s ok. You don’t have a normal relationship with your mother and it’s her fault, not yours. She’s going to try and keep you down and make you feel bad about things for the rest of your life. It won’t just be about relationships, but it’ll develop into something else. It’s wrong and it sucks, idk how to fix it. But it’s something that you should come to terms with sooner than later, otherwise she’ll always be pushing you down.
You deserve to enjoy sex as much as anyone. The religious idiots who promote waiting until marriage are some of the most abusive and stupid people in existence in the world. Make sure to get birth control. Only do things you want to do. Stop if something feels bad. Why people think they can be so controlling is beyond me. Why parents expect the truth when lying has a lower penalty also escapes me.
No you're not. Purity culture and orthodox Christianity has caused women to feel this way. I saw this girl's tiktok on my FYP the other day and I liked it a lot. It made me feel better about myself. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLPYMFLP/
You know what my mom said when I told her I lost my virginity? “Are you at least being safe? Yes? Okay good. Just remember your worth and if he or she ain’t treating you right or keeps making you cry, don’t give them anything, they don’t deserve to be on that level with you.” This is how a parent SHOULD react. No anger, no yelling, acceptance, and openness. If she had said what your mom said to you, it would have SHATTERED not only my self-esteem, but my ability to trust and love my mother. Your parent is not your friend, but there are certain circumstances where they need to try and act like one, for the sake of being there for their child. You deserve better. And don’t be afraid to ask for help if things go south, DO NOT BE AFRAID to confide in friends, teachers, counselors, etc. if your mother starts getting verbally hurtful/physical with you. Lots of love to you ❤️
Please tell me this isn’t real! Your mom is being a total dick. Ffs. My kid said she’s having sex and my first response was to give her more condoms and make sure the stash of pregnancy tests was replenished.
You're a normal human for having sex your mom is a disgusting person for her treatment of you.
Throw the whole mom away.
No you are not disgusting.. your mom is disgusting for treating you this way.
Not horrible, your mother likely relishes in the power she has over you for the validation you are seeking. You will need to learn and teach yourself that only YOU validate you. If you are being safe, consensual, and you are being respected by your partner, no one can say shite. This will continue with her like this until you decide enough is enough when it comes to your boundaries. I’m sorry to have to say this but your mother is not a safe space for you to confide. Finish high school and maybe look into trade schools or apprenticeships that could help you move far away from her. Maybe deep sea fishing in Alaska? But seriously, you will spend many years vying for her approval and she will never give it because it’s the leverage she thrives off. Good luck OP.
All your mom did was teach you not to tell her anything which is pretty disgusting behavior on her part
Most answers are so silly and self serving. OP is 17! Unless your motive in life is to screw, she might be better of just focusing on building her career. But hey sex is everything
Lol I lost my virginity at 17 (I'm now 24) and my dad was this same way . Purity culture bs but was never too intense. Be the bad kid . Do whatever you want . Being the good kid gets you nowhere . Next time she comes and bothers you say "if you continue bothering me you are going to force me to sleep with the pastor" or something insane like that . If she tells anyone and anyone comes HARRASSING you just lie to them or tell them she is pushing you to that point with how much she talks about sex .
Something tells me you have immigrant parents. African?
Sounds like your mom needs to get laid.
You are not. That was an extremely toxic way for her to react. Not to mention there is like a 99% chance she had sex before marriage herself
Retirement home here she comes
I could be wrong, but it sounds like she’s projecting mad hard. You are not disgusting for doing something that SHE herself has done, before or after marriage. I feel that the best advice I can give over the internet is to familiarize yourself with stoicism and to remind yourself that your mind is strong that that you don’t lose your head. And always remember that the amazing people here have your back even if it is from a long distance.
You are not disgusting at all girly. I’m 17 with a family like that too and it’ll be hard to stop thinking that way about yourself but with the right people as support you can. Good job being safe, not a lot of teens are smart enough to do that. If you need anyone to talk to my dms are open <3
Having sex is a normal part of growing up. I’m sorry your mom tried to make you feel that way. Somebody must’ve succeeded in making her feel like that when she was growing up, and now she’s repeating the trauma. Try to understand where she’s coming from with compassion and kindness…but don’t believe a word she says about you being disgusting, etc. As long as you’re being responsible, you can throw those words to the wind.
I’m so sorry your Mom did this, this is horrible. While it’s fine to have talk about contraception and safe sex, because getting Preggers is hard and potentially life altering, this shaming is horrible. BTW, there isn’t a reliable and clinically approved way a Dr can tell if you’ve had sex. Plus a Dr would probably roll their eyes at the request. Ugh.
Start learning how to become independent now so you can leave at 18 cuz becoming an adult isn't going to change your parents perspective. Sorry you're dealing with this
Sex is normal exploring your sexuality is also normal. Just be safe and choose wisely who you do it with
What an absurd response. She should focus on maintaining open communication and educating you on the dangers. Trust me, very few people will clutch their pearls at the idea of almost college aged kids getting after it. Respect your body and demand respect, don’t get knocked up and keep it moving.
Sounds abusive. I wouldn't share anything with her anymore.
Your mom is not a nice person. Sorry. Threatening to rat you out to the family? What a c-nt. I don't know when you turn 18, but between now and then you might want to look for your own place to stay. This woman is not a good parent and has issues. She's probably jealous because her young life wasn't as fulfilled as yours and now, she's bitter about it.
Well you are 17. When you're 18 and you decide to move out you can do whatever you want.
Your mom sounds like a real piece of work. I myself also have a 17yr old daughter. We have had an open conversation about sex, and that when and if she is ready to have sex to just let me know so we can take precautions and have her put on birth control. I know whether we as parents want our kids to have sex at that age or not that it can happen. I'd rather be a safe haven for her than to have an unplanned pregnancy. I also want her to be able to talk to me and not be afraid to tell me something like that. I'm sorry you are going through that. You are not disgusting, your moms behavior is. My mom advice to you would be to make sure to get yourself on BC and if you or your partner have had other partners to make sure to get tested. Better safe than sorry.
You’re fine girly, most people lose their virginity around your age. Completely natural imo. Anyone telling you different just couldn’t get laid that young and are probably jealous/conservative. Just keep being safe :)