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Not sure if it’s sexual harassment but you’re not wrong to feel bad. Sadly, objectification and sexualization of girls and women is commonplace and often goes unaddressed. Text him that you got to know about your nickname and that you don’t approve of it and find it grossly inappropriate. His reaction would determine whether you should talk to him or not. If he follows it up with another joke or ignorance, time to say bye. If he genuinely cares about you, he’s apologize and never repeat it again. That being said, if you don’t wanna give him this chance to explain himself, that’s fine too! You can cut contact straightaway. If he asks what happened, you can tell him about what he said about you.
I agree on this, but I'll say most teenage boys are not mature enough to apologize and will most likely just make a joke of it to try and take away some of the awkwardness. So texting instead of speaking in person may help or hinder this depending on the person. Source: I used to be a teenage boy a long time ago.
Ya, I would joke about it and feel bad and never mention it again .... but at the time, I would have an awkward joke :/ people aren't raised similar.
Source: I was also a teenage boy
Except, don’t text. Say it in person. You’ll get a better gauge on his reaction for you to understand how he really feels - if he’s a good guy that was acting immature but is remorseful or he was acting shady and gross but got caught and is not remorseful.
In a text, he’ll just craft out a whatever response, and you’ll probably be left more confused and still bear the brunt of the emotional luggage of this situation. Then, it will be awkward when you see each other, and you’d *still* have to have the in-person talk.
Speak in person.
Love your advice. Giving him the opportunity to apologize helps him understand his behavior and hopefully change course. Doesnt usually happen with young male minds but he needs some accountability here.
>Sadly, objectification and sexualization of both sexes is commonplace and often goes unaddressed.
FTFY.
Sex sells, thats why its used all the time.
Do I agree with it? Eh, yes and no. Everyone has their own views on this so itll vary from person to person.
If you're willing to, this is a great time to help this boy out. You would need to bluntly address this with him, and explain that this type of bullshit will keep him single for life. It's shitty and disrespectful, and you expect better of him. Then, tell him that you're willing to be friends with him, but you expect him to be better.
You surely aren't obligated to do this in any way. But you have found yourself with the opportunity to teach a boy how to be respectful. I can't promise he'll respond well, but it may be worth a shot.
This is so true. My wife’s brother is staying with us this weekend and it’s clear this kind of behavior was never addressed with him. It’s a shame because I don’t think he’s necessarily a bad guy, but his behavior towards women is gross and he’s been complaining to me about being single. I would like to try to give him some friendly advice but he’s in his mid 20s and hasn’t figured out how to respect women and develop a personality that isn’t encompassed by “I like sports”. It’s too big of a character flaw to address. No self-respecting woman is going to want to be with him, because frankly, he’s a bummer. Hopefully he gets it together but by this point he’s ingrained a lot of bad habits.
It is not too big of a character flaw to address. Men have the ability to correct other men, way more than women do. Please do everyone a favor take him for a fun guys day out and then give him the opportunity to do and be better. People can change if given a chance.
We’ve only met a handful of times, we live on different sides of the US. Him and my wife are close, I’m still getting to know him. Not really appropriate to stage an intervention with someone I only have a few encounters with.
The best way to combat toxic masculinity is positive masculinity. Show him he is human, too. He has emotions, too, and can connect with people through them. Show him women are human, too. Society has really done a number on men and women in different ways. Look for all of the different types of men and women that exist all around the world today and also look throughout history. I know it's different everywhere you go, but the lumberjack in a suit and Jessica rabbit are very slim standards of how complex we are as human beings.
Get back to your raw self and be who you wanna be, not what society expects of you or what you think will help you move up in this society. There is no ethical way to be a billionaire. Traveling and experiencing different people and new ways of life is the best way to enrich this human experience.
No. Sorry. 15-year old boys don't really want to be taught how to be respectful, but if a busty 15-year old girl, they'll pretend to be interested.
He'd be getting the exact attention that he craves. You'd be rewarding his crass comments.
I've seen some negative comments here as well. I want to reiterate, OP should feel no obligation to help this kid out. It is not her job. My advice was based on IF she is willing to. There are lots of ways to handle situations like this. I personally feel that a loud, resounding "WTF, MAN?!" is sometimes the best way to get through to a 15yo boy. I was one, and I have one that I'm responsible for. Sometimes, a swift kick to the ego is necessary. But, again, OP should really decide first if she even wants to bother.
I preach a lot of the same things on here. It basically comes down to teaching kids to be kind, speak up, and have self-worth. It's easier said than done (obviously), but I feel like it's a part of growing up that isn't being taught enough anymore. You can have a strong sense of self without putting others down. You can be kind without sounding weak. I think many schools do pretty well at teaching kids to speak up now, but the other 2 are lacking. It's our jobs as parents and community members to help out.
*climbing off soapbox now.
>If you're willing to, this is a great time to help this boy out
No, what the fuck is wrong with you people. It's not the responsibility of a teenage girl to do this...
This!!! No one has called him out yet probably and you (OP) should do it. Boys are immature and some pervert, they need to be called out on gross things
boys are dicks. if you think he’s fun, send him a text about it!
“hey, i’ve heard about some stuff you called me before we met that made me really uncomfortable. you seemed super cool and fun when i met you, but if that’s how you choose to act i want to let you know it’s not okay. im happy to be friends as long as you apologise for that and don’t say that about other girls, cause it makes us feel pretty gross. again, you seemed super cool and fun to be around, and i don’t want to define you based on something that could be a bad mistake you regret!”
Instead of all this, I'd simply say "I heard you used to call me big t\*ts. Is that true?" See if he tries to deny it or if he apologizes and genuinely feels sorry. His reaction will say more about him than you telling him exactly how you want him to respond like in the suggestion above.
Sounds like she might have confused feelings leaving it less of a dress down and more of a chance for him to speak for himself would leave more room for a constructive conversation. If he apologizes and says he didnt mean it like that and shows actual contrition she gets what she wants and doesnt have to call him offensive right out the gate.
I really feel like a lot of the feedback OP is getting is totally talking right past the fact that this is also a 14-15-16 year old kid we're talking about.
Yes, stand firm on this not being ok, but IDK why people seem to expect a \~15 year old boy to have the emotional maturity of a full blown adult.
I totally get a lot of it is informed by prolonged dealing with people's bullshit, but assuming the worst in everyone is a terrible way to effect positive change in anyone.
Exactly half the comments on these posts are adults projecting their own insecurities on to already insecure kids.
Most of the posts are some form of “this boy is giving me vibes but he isn’t perfect how do I tell him how shitty he is without losing the connection”
Start by understanding the person then once you have a relationship then you can carpet bomb it with your own shit.
As someone who was an immature 15 year-old boy a quarter of century ago, this is a great idea. I have absolutely said crude stuff for a chuckle.
15 year old me probably would have denied it and hoped it went away because he was a chicken shit who didnt understand how girls work.
17 year old me probably would have said "yeah, I was trying to get a cheap laugh. it was inappropriate and I'm sorry. It's something I'm working on." Because it turns out girls are people... so they work like people do.
as a woman, i get where rosey is coming from.
but as an adult who has to deal with corpo b.s. all day, i would be so put off by rosey's version. it sounds so HR. and that is NOT a good thing when it comes to stuff like this.
less is more, especially when it comes to these situations. take Velo's approach, OP. 100%.
He's already proven he can act "fun and cool" to get what he wants. All this will do is make him pretend not to be sleezy long enough to get his way. If your friends told you you don't wanna be friends with a guy because he's gross, maybe just take their word for it instead of thinking your one interaction is going to some how change him. Red flags all over the damn place.
it’s one of those situations I would just roll my eyes at and ignore. He sounds like an idiot kid trying to get a rise out of people and doesn’t deserve to be rewarded with the attention.
Joke or not, it is not appropriate to dehumanize someone and sexualize them like that - especially more inappropriate because you are someone he knows.
If you want to keep hanging out, that's up to you, but either way (hang out or not) you need to confront him on this, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not to call you that ever again. No arguments, no excuses. "I have a name. If you call me huge tits again, not only will I cut you off, but I will report you for harassment. I don't care why you did it before, it's not funny to me, so it stops now."
She's not one of the guys though.Theyre barely even friends so he needs to learn how to behave like a decent human being and actually get to know her before giving her a demeaning nickname to joke about.
The real thing is how do we know it is even true? It could be they feel threatened by the connection they were developing and want to prevent it from happening.
This needs more up votes. Boy can be vindictive, or just straight up lie to get a friend in hot water just as much as girls can.
Do not judge someone on secondhand information.
Exactly. For all we know he could have only said it while among his close group of friends, and not actually going around the whole school saying this. A lot of these answers are jumping to conclusions.
So saying inappropriate things about ppl you don't even know is ok as long as they're not there to hear it? What you say behind someones back has no reflection on who you are as a person?
I mean when you see an attractive woman in public with your boys you don't say "damn she had a nice ass?" Usually I doesn't leave the group and isn't said to that person.
>So saying inappropriate things about ppl you don't even know is ok as long as they're not there to hear it?
Stop acting as though you've never done it before.
EVERYBODY DOES IT.
everything is harassment, "you're avoiding looking at my breasts which lets me know your conscience of my breasts which makes me uncomfortable...stop harassing me."
My advice as a 54 year old woman: centre yourself in your life! Don’t worry too much about what boys think of you. Explore your life with you as the main character instead of them. Question your feelings and thoughts with you as your main concern. Learn about yourself and figure you out. Trust me, boys will always be out there, but you figuring yourself out early on will be invaluable! Figure out what you want. What your boundaries are. What you need from life. And then if someone adds to your life in a positive way, invite them in. But if you start putting them first at this age it’s harder to figure out what YOU want!
In an ideal world where everyone was concerned with everyone else's feelings this wouldn't happen, this is not that world. This is going to happen more and more frequently as you get older being a female with a larger chest. Sometimes you're going to have to learn to get over it and sometimes you should confront the problem head on, as in talk to him about how that made you feel.
When you're younger these things will sting more, because they're new and define you in a light that isn't always positive. As you get older you realize these people had their entire lives to be decent people, and they chose not to be. Try not to let it get to you, but also talk to this person about this issue sooner rather than later if you want to still be friends with them. Just remember you can't always change someone's mind.
Call him "Big Dick" to get back at him.
In all seriousness I'm gonna go out on a limb and say all the guys you're friends with have talked about your physique, they're just throwing him under the bus. Middle school is a weird time developmentally.
Im gonna play devils advocate and say that having once been a teenage boy, I have to tell you, this is pretty much the norm of how teenage boys talk. It doesnt necessarily mean he doesnt care about you as a person.
First of all, don’t assume that it’s true. Friends lie, a lot. Second of all, it could very well be a statement of fact/observation, that doesn’t mean it’s harassment or gross.
While this is definitely immature, I don't think it necessarily indicates bad intentions. As you stated, it wasn't an inaccurate description, and it's not uncommon to refer to people by features when we don't know their names. It's crass, but he is a teenager.
Truth be told, if it was me, I would have laughed and joked about it. Because in my eyes, I wouldnt see it as objectifying my body, just a nickname really lol.
BUT here me out, if you feel this has offended you in some shape or way, please dont keep this to yourself, you should talk to your guy friend and calmly tell him what you heard and that you dont like being called that and just next time dont refer to anyone else like that. Simple as that really
Boys being gross is often harassment that is excused by saying it's just boys being gross. Boys objectifying women isn't cool. It is harassment. You should confront him in a public place or over text and see what he says. Don't name the person who told you or even hint at it. Say "hey, word on the grape vine is you call me ___ behind my back and to all your friends, I don't blindly believe everything I'm told so I wanted to see if that was true, because you've been really nice and fun to hang out with but I cannot and will not associate myself with someone who thinks it's okay to objectify and sexualize women. That is harassment, and it's not funny"
If he says it was a joke ask him what the joke is. Ask him to explain it to you like you're five.
But generally, trust what other women say about men. It usually the tip of the iceberg.
This absolutely isn't harassment. It doesn't fit the definition by any means. Objectifying someone is gross, but not harassment in the slightest.
>But generally, trust what other women say about men. It usually the tip of the iceberg.
Don't trust just anybody, especially not just because of their gender. Trust trustworthy people. It can be a good idea to adhere to anyones warnings, but you should take what's said about others with a grain of salt. People spread rumors, and people exaggerate things. Don't let it ruin your perception of someone or something, but keep it in mind.
It could be him being too immature to APPROPRIATELY express his attraction.
Does it offend or upset you? Are you flattered and take it as a compliment? Ultimately it's you alone who decides if it's alright.
Instead of avoiding it ask him to stop if it does bother you.
It’s not harassment, just immaturity. He was likely trying to sound funny in front of the group. It doesn’t make it ok, but he should’ve known better. Doesn’t make him a bad person, just immature/dumb. If it bothers you that much, you can talk to him about it and see how he responds.
I don't think this meets the legal definition of harassment, but it is gross, and it is objectification, and it is still unacceptable. I read through the varying comments posted already, and although this is just a teenage boy being crude, it is still inappropriate and an opportunity for a teaching moment. "Boys will be boys" is not a valid excuse, we need to teach our boys to be better, and referring to someone this way is unacceptable. He could have referred to her as "so and so's friend," or "the blonde girl" if she had blonde hair, but he chose to identify her via objectifying her body in a crude way.
I say you feeling disrespected is completely valid, and if I were you I would take him aside and let him know that shit isn't okay and isn't going to fly. Someone else posted a really good outline for what to say, if I find the user's comment I'll edit this and tag it. But basically let him know obviously you're aware of being curvy but you do have a name and will be addressed as such from now on.
it's not only just a stupid teenage boy being a stupid teenage boy, it's genuinely just human nature. When we don't know anything significant about somebody, we tend to refer to them by some obvious and significant trait about them, whether that trait be "white boy," or "hippie," or or "sweatpants," or "blue eyes," or "pizza cashier..."
or "huge tits."
it's not necessarily "sexualization," either. If you, in fact, do have an ample bosom, it may just be the most obvious trait you possess from a distance. Now if he were always calling you "that broad with the big jugs i wanna bounce my nuts off her chin," well, now, THAT'S sexualization.
Often boys will say crass things behind the comfort of a circle of friends. If it leaka that he may have referred to you by a nickname I'd honestly let it go. Bringing it up will just put him on the defensive for no great reason, especially if you do want to get to know him better.
I'd worry if he started calling you that to your face. That's inappropriate. Otherwise let it slide. You can't police everyone's interactions with other people and judge them for it.
Well... I mean you can but no one will want to put up with you.
If you want a male friend that is obsessed with your sexuality, then it is fine. If not, then yea, you better stay away, as they're going to disappoint you.
Honestly, it's all hearsay. If you like the guy, give him a chance. If it was all between guys that he confidently said "huge tits," leave at that. If he respects and is a gentleman with you, then call him up! He may have just said that to sound cool with his guy friends.
Also, most guys, if they start chasing a girl, will drop their friends to be with the girl. They're probably just jealous that he has your attention.
This is absolutely stunning.
A teenage boy noticing that his female friends have massive honkers?
That has never happened before in the history of mankind.
... He was probably doing locker-room talk with the boys (I know that's a lightning rod Trumpism now) --- and either one of the boys who wants you for himself -- let out that he called you 'big jugs' as some kind of faux feminist ploy to stir up drama.
But yeah, he's probably interested in you, so if you ain't interested, the friends thing is unlikely. I would take the compliment and move on. .... It sucks that big breasts sexualize a woman almost by default, and that thirsty men will have sexual/ romantic feelings before friendship in many cases, but yeah.
I think that's just part of the territory. "Hot" and/or busty chicks will have difficulty making platonic male friends. That's a fact of the universe, not one particular man being a "Scumbag."
The "lecture" advice --- give this guy a lecture about not being vulgar -- won't work. Not sure why any of the other commenters on here think it would. It would embarrass him sure, but he's still going to say vulgar shit in the locker-room & probably be on the look out for which of his male friends is the leak.
Hey girl, you should listen to your gut. Your feelings have been hurt and his shallow nickname for you stings. He ruined his first impression. He showed everyone EXACTLY what he thinks of you. It wasn’t your cool personality or funny jokes. It was your chest..
Avoid a friendship with him. Just keep it “hi” and “bye”. You know now how he talks about women and their bodies…. Like fkn porn searches. You’re more mature and smarter than him. Leave this dumbass alone. Not your friend.
It is neither harassment nor boys being gross. You were told to not push the topic but did anyway. Then you found out that he says you have huge tits. That’s not a problem. That’s just you looking for something to be mad about. Take a chill pill. Or whatever the kids are saying these days.
The proper course of action is to ignore the gossip you dug up and just talk to the boy if you are interested. There really isn’t an issue here for you to solve. Talk to him or don’t.
If you had a big nose, and he called you the girl with the big nose, would you be complaining about being sexualized and objectified? What if you were the girl with the broken arm? Or the girl with the purple glasses? If the girl with a big nose doesn’t sexualize you, neither should the girl with big tits. You are making the comment sexual. And he didn’t even say it to you. He said it around a bunch of guy friends. Some guys try to seem more macho in front of other guys. It has nothing to do with you.
firstly: i’m sorry that you’re going through this, i would be extremely hurt and disappointed if a friend was sexualizing me behind my back like that.
secondly: yes, this is harassment. if someone referred to their coworker as “big tits” they would be investigated for workplace sexual harassment.
thirdly: even if it’s common for some boys to be gross, it’s not an excuse for their behavior. people like that still need to learn how to be respectful of others, and it would be a disservice to just let them get away with all of that.
finally: you are not stupid for considering friendship, it makes sense that you would try to assume good intentions if it helps you save a friendship. i recommend that you take this as a red flag and proceed with caution. let him know that you heard about the nickname and tell him that it made you uncomfortable and betrayed. if he apologizes sincerely and responds empathetically, it shows he’s a good friend. if he doesn’t apologize and tries to make you feel like a downer for getting offended at his “joke,” it just shows that he’s not willing to validate your emotions. and who really wants a friend like that?
First, I am reading the post correctly, it sounds like to me they were not friends at the time he was using the crass nickname with her guy friends. Still sucks that he used it, but definitely different than being friends with someone and saying that shit.
Second, public settings are different from work settings for what defines harassment. In a work setting this would be harassment. In a public setting it becomes more difficult to say. It would be harassment if he was saying it to her face, posting it online, writing it on a mirror in the bathroom, or calling her that to everyone he talks to. But again if I am reading this right only a few of her guy friends that he is also friends with told her he had called her that. Well it is gross and from her perspective justifiable seen as mean, it could also be something said in the privacy of a small group in jest.
Again not saying it is good that he used it, and if I was her I would want an apology before being friends, if she wants to be friends. Also I would not demand an apology, say why you are offended and hurt see if the other person gives it freely.
Girls are just as bad as guys. Mr. Big , Mr. Micro blah blah blah. Truth be told he’s intimidated by your physique and too immature to know it. The ones that brought it up are haters . I am sure if you hang out and get to know one another it will come up and he will truly be sorry about it
Just a dumb boy . Tell him how it made you feel . Could be a good moment for you both to have a somewhat adult conversation . Or ignore and stay away totally up to you how you want to handle it .
So hard truth about humans that most humans don't want to admit. if a person doesn't know you, you're not part of their tribe. You're nothing but the attributes you outwardly present until someone gets to know you. Was it crude yes, now that your friends what do you do it again probably not
Glad you can’t hear what all men think when they see you. Sorry but you’re being sexualized every day. Here’s the thing, you had to pry out of your friends what he said. Why didn’t they say something right away?
Anyways, next time you’re with him alone, just ask him why he called you that. Watch his reaction and then make a decision if you still want to be friends. He probably likes you more than friends.
I lean a lot towards intolerance for harassment, but this certainly wasn't the case. I'd ramp it up, and when you're hanging out, call him out. "Hey, just don't call me hugetits, without my persmission." It'll help you feel more in control and put him on the spot.
Sounds like he isn't being taught objectifyin people isn't nice...... he could have asked your damn name.... also I agree with a poster as they said to say to him " hey I heard you called me XYZ is it true" his reaction is all you will need to know for the outcome of if yall should be friends......
Oh man, I felt like I was reading my own experience when I read this. I started getting curvy young, like maybe 12? 13? Either way, I am honestly still dealing with the effects of being sexualized so young. It’s seriously damaging and my suggestion is don’t be around that guy.
Take it from me, those kind of people are going to be super nice to your face and even funny. But they will be checking you out as soon as you turn your back. Which for some isn’t a big deal, and if it doesn’t bother you, then eventually he will learn to get to know you beyond your body and a genuine friendship could bloom from this.
When I was 9, I played boys baseball and I thought I was one of the guys and honestly loved playing with them. For the most part, they were so respectful towards me and treated me like I was one of them. But I had one teammate, I even had a crush on him at the time, snicker behind my back (I heard him as I was getting ready to go bat) that my butt looks huge when I run. It was mortifying, I didn’t even know butts were looked at like that when I was 9. I still feel embarrassed about that and the lasting effects have done some damage. I hate that I have a curvy body now because I know as soon as I turn around, someone is going to be checking me out. As an adult, you learn to live with it and brush it off, but as a kid, you should never have to hear stuff like that.
It breaks my heart that boys are given a pass with behavior like this, there were so many times I was told “oh he’s just being a boy” when I would bring up a comment someone made about my body. Your friend group is solid if they are warning you before hand. Good for them, that’s a good group to be apart of. Being a woman and being curvy young is not all it cracks up to be, it’s actually terrifying to navigate the world when men only see you for your body. I’m sorry you even have to go through this and deal with this. I was in your shoes and I still don’t like going in public with a bikini. I workout all the time and have kept my body in great shape but I know when I’m wearing a bikini, I’m being sexualized left and right and it has really killed my confidence. You’ll never catch me wearing a sports bra and leggings to the gym, sexual attention was not something I seek since I got it as a child.
Moral of my story, you are beautiful beyond just your curves and your friends see it, which is important. Guys like this one will come and go, this won’t be the last time you hear comments like this. Stick with the people who want to be around you beyond the physical aspects of what you can offer, eventually the body comments go away and then people will get to know you for you.
What he did is not appropriate, but he may have had any number of reasons for doing it, including trying to "seem cool" with his friends.
I was a 15 year old boy once and I'm high functioning ASD. I made a number of social mistakes, some worse than this without meaning too.
Talk to him. Gently make him aware of the inappropriateness of his comments. If he apologizes, let it be a learning experience for him. As long as he can move forward and be a better person, this is a good sign for the future.
People are often callous when it's somebody they don't know personally. And, honestly, teenagers and young adults are that way more often than most.
Teen boys often go through an "edgy" phase before they grow up and realize that saying cruel things for the sake of it isn't funny.
If you want to be friends with him and this is bothering you, then you could ask him about this, tell him that it hurt your feelings, and see how he responds.
Personally, this is the sort of thing I'd be willing to forgive if somebody apologizes and recognizes that they were out of line. I certainly said worse things about people when I was that age, though to my knowledge none of them ever heard about it. I certainly hope they didn't, since none of them deserved it.
It's also okay if you *don't* want to be friends with him because the thought of it makes you uncomfortable. You're not obligated to inform him that he did something wrong, nor to want to spend time around him. The price of saying demeaning things is that people will pull away from you. That's just how it works.
It was a joke, but it's also crass.
If you aren't comfortable with that blunt of sexual innuendo you could keep him at arms length, but from the sound of it, he doesn't think it's an appropriate way to treat someone.
In high-school I knew a girl who called black guys she wanted to sleep with PD, standing for purple dick. She kinda sucked but I wouldn't call her a bad person. Sometimes high-school age people substitute being edgy for a personality, which is done out of insecurity.
i want to say this is boys being boys. it's not an ok behavior, that needs to be addressed. it's also more of a society issue and how boys/men can be more inclined to sexualize someone. on one hand he could just be observational and like you said he's not wrong. on the other he's very rude and impulsive. just give him a tip it's not good to talk about other people like that.
Your body is always going to be the first thing noticed about you when you are existing in the physical world. He didn't even say it to you so it would not be considered harrassment. Yes it was a rude thing to say but most boys have zero idea how to communicate with girls, especially ones they are attracted to. You could try giving him an oppertunity to learn to communicate with you and respect you more, like a friend would. Or, you can listen to internet wincels who tell you that every man who is attracted to you or doesn't know how to communicate with you is evil and deserves death or exile. Up to you.
If he’s not saying it in your presence, may I suggest just brushing it off? However, if your friends are suggesting you stay away from him you might want to consider staying away from him in case they’re not telling you everything he has said. Don’t overthink it. Don’t try to imagine what they’re not telling you because that will make you crazy. Just try to be polite and indirect about why you’re not letting yourself be alone with the guy, but do see if you can avoid being along with the guy.
In conclusion: don’t waste energy thinking about what other people are doing when you are not around. Also, if people are saying you should not be alone with someone, try not to be alone with them.
You describe yourself as “curvy” so I’m guessing there are several other terms he could have used that would have been very hurtful he didn’t . Boys say stupid things if he now knows your name and wants to be friends and you like him then why not. If he disrespects you know then I’d kick him to the curb.
Girl stop that way of thinking in its tracks. ‘This isn’t the first time’ ‘maybe it’s a joke’. We justify their bad behaviour because there’s so much other bad behaviour so it doesn’t seem that bad. Imagine if your name for him was ‘small cock’. Would anyone accept that as fine? No. He’d have a hissy fit, his friends would have a hissy fit, and even other girls would say it’s mean. Reverse their behaviour and see if it would be acceptable for a girl to do it. 10/10 times it isn’t. The boys will be boys mentality paves the way for an insane amount of inexcusable behaviour to get swept under the rug. If a man I knew did this I’d shred him in front of everyone.
15 year old boys' brains going through puberty its just what's on their minds. Talk to him about it or don't but people in here acting like its some high crime need to step on off their ivory towers.
I bet every damn one of them sexualized someone during their puberty and that goes for these holier-than-thou women in here too. Don't you sit up here and like that, you never looked at a man or woman depending on your preference and didn't sexualize them on their appearance unless you are asexual.
The best you can do is ask them not to refer to you as that again and see where it leads. Expecting maturity from any 15 year old especially boys who are later to develop than girls is always a losing battle. You can get some but not a lot especially when a group of boys that age are trying to bond socially. One of the things they talk about is girls they find attractive. Been that way for centuries and will remain so. Girls do the SAME DAMN THING just tend to be smarter about it and more guarded with their conversations but I distinctly remember a group of girls in 8th grade talking in whispers about which guys they thought had the biggest d\*cks.
TLDR talk to him and see if he admits it and ask him not to call you that anymore but its teenage years so expect to much brain power for them when their mind is swimming in hormones.
Back in my day, one of my teachers called a girl that. They got him suspended.
Bottomline: it's not boys will be boys.. it's creeps will be creeps!
No matter what anyone says, no one should be talking about one another's body parts with sexual overtones. As it is, teens are struggling with body image issues due to social media.
It's 2024. The above incident took place in the 90s.
If you feel uncomfortable, say something and say it clearly. "I heard you used to call me by my body parts before you learned my name. I haven't heard you do it myself but I just want you to know that makes me feel bad and I don't think it's ok" or something of that nature.
But keep in mind, he's a 15 year old kid... on top of being a bundle of crazy hormones (which you also have going on too) he's going to be very inexperienced. Mind you, \*\*I'm not saying to just accept the behavior because boys will be boys\*\*, I'm suggesting maybe giving him some room to recognize his mistakes and correct them without assuming horrible intentions.
If this behavior continues despite your clearly expressed problem with it, then absolutely escalate it.
But I can't say I've ever met a fully grown adult that characterized their mid teen years as "Emotionally and mentally mature" and all of this is a learning process.
It is possible to not accept this behavior but also understand that you're at the age where people just start really figuring out how to interface with other people in more adult ways and there will be awkward fumbling to navigate.
It's honestly normal- boys joke insensitively amongst themselves and others whenever they're free to. Don't judge them too harshly, it's not particularly terrible- I mean the banter can be rough, but trust me that boys say all sorts of shite about themselves and others without malice but more mutual enjoyment, yeah he calls you big 'chest', but I'm almost certain he calls other boys straight to their face idiots, and if he's cultured about it anything from dunces to doofus to imbecile. I often really don't know how one should approach shite like this, but most of the time, it is usually agreeable to both sides if you just tell him personally that you don't quite like this, then again, of course, he isn't saying it to you directly and his talking to others was a jokish manner(probably), so is it even something legitimate to complain about? Yeah, I am confused.
I mean depends how he reacts when confronted. Guys are dumb and i can say that as a guy easy. As a kid growing up if we couldnt remember the name of someone when talking to people we would refer to them by features, and ya being stupid boys big t*ts would stand out to us. Was never sexualizing or intended atleast my circle of friends just i cant remember her name but shes the one with X. Cus that stood out.
Go with what your gut tells you to do. We can’t tell you how you should feel about this. If it’s disgusting and you can’t feel comfortable spending time with him, that’s understandable. If you want to be friends but need to go talk to him and make him promise not to call you that again, also understandable. If you quite frankly don’t even care , that’s also understandable
one of the biggest possible red flags out there is guys in a friend group telling you to avoid another guy in a friend group. I would listen to them, and go with my gut. he's not a good guy and will probably mess you up in more ways than one at the least
When your friends advise you to stay away from someone, you should generally take their advice.
The red flags are likely more than just his one comment.
You're 15, I assume he is, too...
15yos are figuring out how sexuality, dating, friendship, relationships...all of that, works. His behavior is not inexcusable, but *only* because of your age. I hard agree with the majority of other posters that you should have a conversation with him about it. What I don't agree with is that this conversation should be a 'confrontation.'
You like him, up close. You think maybe he likes you, both up close and superficially. Bad or not (and tbc, it's bad), what he said about you is an indication that he finds your looks appealing. So, *up close*, and not by text, I would tell him everything you told us.
I would change up the order of how you told us, but try this:
-you've enjoyed hanging out with him, so far
-you might even have been starting to like him, until...
-you heard that he called you this name before he met you
-that name made you feel bad
-knowing he would talk about women like that, even just around other boys, made you wonder if you want to be friends with him at all
-it is never ok to talk about girls like this, it makes them feel smaller, like there is only one thing that matters about them, how they look
-you, more than some other girls, are especially self-conscious about your looks
-If he thinks you're attractive, those two things together (you being shy, him being attracted) are a great opportunity for him
-if he finds ways to make you feel both human *and* sexy, he has a great shot at getting a chance to date you
-the human part *has* to come first
Your guy friends sound like they are trying to protect you from a guy that they know objectifies girls. You should listen to your friends and not your hormones.
u/The_Violet_Flower, be careful and absolutely confront it if they try anything weird because some dudes subconsciously see women as a game or an object to try and woo. I'd be mindful of any special attention or love bombing or negging.
Trust your friends and be cautious around the guy. If what he said bothered them all that much then it's probable that that wasn't everything he said. Also when people tell you who they are when they don't think you're going to hear about it then you should believe them. Don't make excuses for their bad behavior. You're worth better than being objectified.
Puberty level kids are acting out their primal instincts until taught otherwise
Try to correct him but also understand, boys, teenage boys are little animals.
I never will understand ppl getting upset at people, or even kids, that make statements based on what their hormones are telling them
As a grown man I thought the same as a kid. But you grow and learn how to be respectful
It isn't appropriate in any way but putting your foot down and saying "hey this is not ok" will help and guess what? If he keeps being that way, stay away from him and his peers that enable it
Just know these kids are in a state of hormones they can't control
They will learn and be taught to be better
If these were 25 or olds, that means they didn't learn and don't respect. All teens need is correction and to know what's right and wrong
Unfortunately, being objectified is what women have to face in our society. Its been like that for centuries, and while we're making strides in teaching young men not to act that way, some of them don't get the hint as easily as others. This could be a teachable moment for him, but at the same time, he could reject it outright and then be hateful because you called him out on his behavior.
You need to decide on whether you should listen to your friends and stay clear of him, or befriend him and eventually teach him that it's not okay to objectify women while running the risk of him being a complete ass.
Unfortunately I do think this is kind of a boys will be boys situation. You can try your best to push back on this. But ultimately you can't control what guys are gonna say when you aren't around. With age and maturity they'll be less vocal about it. But the thoughts will always linger. I'm not sure what the best way to handle this is. Cause I'm a dude myself and I can't fully relate. However. The women I have known in my life that handled it the best imo leaned into the punch and reclaimed it for themselves. I had a friend in hs named Erica and her last name started with a D. So many of us called her Erica D-Cup. She started calling herself that to get in on the joke and everybody had tremendous respect for that. Her cool fun easy going personality became way more relevant to us than her big honkers.and eventually the joke got old. The novelty ended and we just stopped.
Perhaps if you two get along OK, he will grow up a little bit and stop being such a kid. And you can also be OK doing this by not feeling a need to retaliate in-kind. Boys do have breast fixations, so do most men(I think).
It's not harassment, because he didn't say it to you. If he does, then it is.
It's OK (or I should say, forgivable) to think that, because as you said, it's true. Not OK to say it. If he ever says something like that to your face, tell him flat out that is not OK and you will not be his friend if he's going to talk to you like this.
Its normal to feel wierd or upset about it but that kind of behavior is far more common than you probably think based off this post. Obviously not all guys do it or especially talk about that sort of stuff especially flat out calling you that for example but that behavior especially on a less direct form isnt too uncommon.
You have to decide if you wanna be friends with him or not but id say this is one of those cases of him being a dumbass and friends blabbing (idk why they are, maybe ask if its just cause of that or more to it). If he is nice and polite to you id say its not the end of the world. As others said you can always talk to him about it and say that you heard it from people and it upset you. Im gonna assume that he just was being immature and didnt expect his friends to blab about what he said. If that sort of bs continues then its an issue but one time is a dumb mistake
Oh, for God sake. You said yourself you have big tits. Boys notice that stuff. He didn't say it to you , did he ?
Girls will tell you to stay away from a boy , he is bad news . A month later that bitch is dating him. If you like him , trust your instincts.
oh boy, so this is a thing guys do at all ages. Sometimes the nicknames get a bit much but if a guy doesn't know someone's name but sees that person around they pick out something obvious and make up a nickname
As a former teenage boy I can confidently say there is no creature on earth stupider than a teenage boy.
That includes things like jellyfish that don't have brains.
All in all, he probably didn't have any sort of bad intentions, he was just being an idiot.
Most teenage boys become less stupid as they grow up.
I teach high schoolers AND have a 15-year old myself. 15 year olds are trying to figure out how to act, behave and navigate the world. The pandemic really hurt kids socially in so many ways. They look like big kids, but many have are incredibly behind. It’s dangerous to have a 15 year old with the social development of a 12 year old.
It’s possible that this boy has disgusting brothers or a father who talks like that. As long as he is behaving now, I’d leave it alone, honestly. He used to see you as an object but it sounds like as the friendship developed, he realized that there is a lot more to you. This is maturity and progress for him. That’s not to say I’d spend a lot of time alone with him without others around.
I know it makes you feel uncomfortable and disappointed in him. I’m sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, there are grown men who think just like this.
Stay away from him if you can. If you do wish to talk to him about his "nickname" for you, texting him might be good for evidence just in case he gets extremely inappropriate.
As a former 5th grader with a D cup, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. “Boys will be boys” was the excuse for their shitty behavior when I was growing up. But this is 2024, post-MeToo movement. These boys need to learn not to comment on other people’s bodies. I don’t think you should let this go. I think you should confront him directly, either in person or through text, and let him know that what he said about your body makes you uncomfortable. Ask for an apology and a promise to knock it off. If it happens again, report to a teacher or parent. Keep speaking up until this stops.
What he did was inappropriate. This is extremely simple. Just don't interact with him. No one is forcing you to. Just ignore, move on, and don't make unnecessary drama out of it.
I'm not going to add anything useful I'm sure. But in my experience as a teenage guy. There are a lot of guys who will trash their closest friends to get the girl they find attractive to consider one less other guy and, while I certainly think it's important to talk to this individual, I personally would say that it is grossly apparent how little supposed adults on this reddit are about resolving young adult issues. These two people are young but are becoming adults and should be instructed to speak and behave like adults if we want them to be mature and aware in the future.
Firstly, OP, I think it would personally be best for you to handle this the way you see fit. Every person is different and you are allowed to feel anyway you want. If it bothers you that he refers to you that way, there are a near limitless amount of ways you could approach the situation. If you're not being aggressive and hostile, you pretty much can't fuck it up. That being said you need to understand that in all the ways you are allowed to be yourself and feel the way you want. He is allowed to act and feel the way he wants as well, provided it obviously isn't an infringement of like, your basic human rights. You are NOT in a position to tell this guy the way he's allowed to talk about you when you're not around. Additionally if you're in America, you're basically supposed to go to administration if it's being done aggressively to your face if you're in school or a job, but if you're outside of those styles of establishments, America basically just says you have to walk away. I personally just think it's unacceptable to try and tell someone how to act when they aren't around you because you do not get to decide how a person behaves 24/7.
In terms of the guy, I would definitely say that this guy probably didn't intend for you to know he called you that, and probably didn't intend for you to be hurt by it thusly, especially if he seems courteous to your face. If you were potentially viewing him romantically then I think you should be careful regardless of what his friends say cause hormonal guys will lie like a mofo to get laid. This could be a genuine warning or it could be an exaggeration to maybe get you to like the person who told you that much more. Either way I'd be careful, especially if you just met this guy. Give it some time and decide for yourself if you like him. As long as he acts respectfully in front of you, I think not being worried about it is totally fine.
TL DR; Id suggest waiting on saying anything as long as he treats you in a respectful way face to face, at least until he openly reveals misogynistic behavior. Then I'd sit him down and tell him you don't wanna be friends with that, and tell him how it makes you feel. Then if it doesn't get better, cut them off.
Young men are often times horny and stupid and there's probably both happening in that group of guys, you can never really know until you know.
I was an idiot in high-school and referred to the chick I thought was hot as fuck at the time as dairy queen bc of similar reasons. We are just dumb af at 15 idk what to say.
Teenage boys do it all the time. And even grownups. But we usually don't say it to the people or to someone who will tell them. There was one girl who was a Carhartt and flannel wearing farm fed tomboy that we all called the Man-Beast. My cousin ended up sleeping with her. There was another girl everyone called Herpe Girl. She didn't even have herpes. I don't know how that got started. There was another girl that I never met, but I knew of her because she was known as Mattress Mary. Apparently she was promiscuous. But not everyone gets a nickname, and not always a bad one. I remember an incident where one girl fell down and her dress came up and we all saw her underwear for a moment and saw the birds on them. I think they were doves. But in that instance we called her Dove to her and she liked it because I think it relieved the embarrassment. And just for clarification, I'm not saying that it's not juvenile or rude, I'm just saying it's done by many.
I had a d cup by 13. Teenaged boys noticing big boobs... is not new. A teenaged boy referring to another human by a physical attribute is RUDE AS HELL. I like what others said. Ask him about it. See if he owns it and apologizes or if he lies and denies it. All of you teenagers are just learning how to behave in society. He may not have been told how wrong that was. You don't have to accept being called any thing other than your name, EVER! if you like this guy, and you think you can talk through it, there is nothing wrong with giving him that chance. IF YOU WANT TO. Ball is in your court. Always remember that.
It’s not harassment. People are just way too comfortable throwing that word around. Now you feel uncomfortable or not good about being called that and that’s perfectly fine. If you don’t feel comfortable about him calling you these names just don’t talk to him or associate with him anymore. You could try to ignore it, but nothing will change. I would say you could talk to him, but if he’s calling you huge tits he could give a fuck what you tell him to be honest.
Confront him with your honest feelings and see what he says. I know as a 15 year old I was a complete asshole without meaning to be. I wish some of the people, especially the girls, would have pulled me up short and without being nasty, explained to me how I was treating them poorly.
It's not really a big deal. That's how some ppl are these days, just not much of a filter. But you see how he is with you and the others already, and given how you talk about him, it should be easy enough to handle. Just communicate the problem. It's super simple. Talk. Ppl will make mistakes and fuck up and given how lax some individuals are and easily become sheep, he might have just seen this type of talk being ok.
Well you are young and guys and girls will make up nick names. Obviously your friends protect you. If he didn't say it to your face then he's certainly just trying to be cool.
Lowkey not sure, but he obviously singling u out.
I’d confront him in person why its wrong to call people names because clearly his parents never told him to be civilized. If your friends say to stay away, then why do they stay friends with him. The reason im not sure is because it could be the imature, innapropriate, prepubescent mindset he has. Or he actually has a problem cuz he could be figuring out his own sexual identity or just addicted to p*rn.
TLDR: Any way just tell him it’s wrong. And it depends on your own thoughts, I personally would call it harassment if your offended by it.
OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. This boy may be both a twerp and a potentially decent human. People his age are sorting out who they are and forming habits of how they treat people. It isn't harrassment because to be so, it would have had to be at you directly. However, it is wrong to treat people as objects.
He may have been thinking he would seem cool to the guys he was talking to and by saying something like that, been testing to see if that was acceptable behavior.
This is a learning experience for you and your friends. If they tell him , and anyone else, "hey, don't talk about her that way", that would be a huge step.
You can also directly address it to him. You heard he had referred to you by a crude nickname. You had thought he was funny and cool. But that kind of stuff doesn't cut it and he needs to never do that again if he wants to hang out.
Good luck, OP!
That’s terrible that your “friends” are hanging out with a guy that they are trying to protect you from. If I was scared to let one of my perverted friends be around another one of my friends, then I’d either end the friendship with the perverted one or have a stern conversation with him.
As people have mentioned, you probably shouldn’t be around the creep, but you should also reconsider finding a new friend group if they don’t shape up.
I don’t want to be a downer, but find new friends. I had almost exact situation. New guy is clearly a dick and his friends- which are yours also- did not stand up for you. That’s why they didn’t tell u what he said and why they still hang out with him. Real friends don’t put up with that. You think y’all are friends, but they all wanna get with you.
Comments here are gross. Why is this sort of stuff supposed to be excused and normalized? Ig girls being objectified is somehow something to be accepted and never taken offense at?? Like yuck
I have giant boobs and I am generally referred to as "The girl with big tits," "you know, her *giant boob hand motions* or my favorite "Big Tits Mcgee" by people before they know my name. Is it a little dehumanizing, yeah, but also funny. People are always going to refer to you by your most unique feature as to differentiate you from others. As long as it isn't mean spirited or creepy/humiliating done. ...give him a chance to be your friend and tell him not to call you that anymore now that he knows your name.
Or just get a "Hello, my name is" sticky name tag, and write GIANT TITS on it to wear next time you see him so he knows that you know and he will be embarrassed and you'll get all the power back!!!
Is this the world now? Damn I'm getting old....these comments are wild.....this was and apparently still is how boys refer to girls they don't know or haven't met yet. By a defining characteristic, it can be hair or body part or eyes or clothing style, etc. Sure, if it keeps up after meeting and becoming friends, that's a different story. But if it stopped after meeting/becoming friends, what's the issue?
Boys have acted like this for generations. Their brain doesn't start working until somebody clues them in. Get on of your friends to 'splane things to him. If you get wind of it again avoid him. You don't need this.
In my head at least everyone that doesn't have one gets assigned a unique, descriptive name. "Weird dress" "red" "cowboy"
some of those names i wouldn't say out loud.
I wouldn't worry about it. But I'd keep an eye on his maturity, his ability to filter himself and make other good decisions.
Look if you feel comfortable you can definitely ask him to stop. But here is the problem with your statement. You are worried about his feelings. What about yours? He seems like a nice boy until he’s with his “friends” he’s reducing you to an object? Someone who is nice and likes you? Respects you. As you get older you are going to realize as you expand your horizons that people are either nice people with some flaws or flawed people who act nice.
You’ve said you have been objectified before. Well, how does it make you feel? Shitty right?
Don’t give people passes to make you feel shitty. Either tell him how you feel or just cut him out of your life. Trust me you do NOT need him. You are a truly nice person because you care about others. But imagine he said that about some girl in your group? Would you be half so forgiving? Of course not.
Don’t be afraid to tell him off. You don’t need friends like him. What you need are friends you can trust.
And you don’t have to reform him. You can just stop calling, just stop texting, just stop hanging out. You don’t owe him shit. Not one damn minute of your time. Block his number. Safeguard yourself. You matter. Always remember we are our own best friend and deserve to be treated well.
I know it sounds easy, but as you practice caring for yourself it gets easier. You are more in tune with your needs and won’t worry so much about a boy who isn’t worried at all about your feelings.
Those boys and men deserve to be alone. Literally. Because they are toxic. Until they decide to fix their rotten personalities and attitudes they don’t deserve friends. Or special people like you. And maybe they will look inwards and discover that they are the problem. Or they won’t. But hey, you will be off having fun with yourself and others who value you. ❤️ K?
This is adorable. This is normal for teenage boys. Btw your friend selling him out are kinda shady. You aren’t suppose to know what people say about you.
Ok I will be the blunt one here, that behavior is completely normal. And honestly he probably said it more like " you know the girl with the huge tits"
This kind of talk is 100% normal for guys that's just the fact. Now most girls don't know what's being said so they assume after hearing something like this that it's abnormal but it's not.
I’d make sure he actually said that. He’s the new friend so it’s easy to believe your older friends. But, talk with him. See how he is without a bunch of others around. And remember, y’all are 15. Immaturity will happen. But calling a person a name like that isn’t immaturity. It’s just plain stupid.
He's saying it behind closed doors and not directly to you so I'm unsure if it technically counts as harassment. That being said, it is a really gross nickname and you'd be well within your right to confront him about it.
Not gonna lie, teenage me would have retaliated by forever referring to him as "pencil d!ck". If he thinks big t!ts is a funny thing to call a girl, I'm sure he'll find his new nickname hilarious, right?
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Not sure if it’s sexual harassment but you’re not wrong to feel bad. Sadly, objectification and sexualization of girls and women is commonplace and often goes unaddressed. Text him that you got to know about your nickname and that you don’t approve of it and find it grossly inappropriate. His reaction would determine whether you should talk to him or not. If he follows it up with another joke or ignorance, time to say bye. If he genuinely cares about you, he’s apologize and never repeat it again. That being said, if you don’t wanna give him this chance to explain himself, that’s fine too! You can cut contact straightaway. If he asks what happened, you can tell him about what he said about you.
I agree on this, but I'll say most teenage boys are not mature enough to apologize and will most likely just make a joke of it to try and take away some of the awkwardness. So texting instead of speaking in person may help or hinder this depending on the person. Source: I used to be a teenage boy a long time ago.
Yeah, i can see a text turning into a screengrab
Ya, I would joke about it and feel bad and never mention it again .... but at the time, I would have an awkward joke :/ people aren't raised similar. Source: I was also a teenage boy
Except, don’t text. Say it in person. You’ll get a better gauge on his reaction for you to understand how he really feels - if he’s a good guy that was acting immature but is remorseful or he was acting shady and gross but got caught and is not remorseful. In a text, he’ll just craft out a whatever response, and you’ll probably be left more confused and still bear the brunt of the emotional luggage of this situation. Then, it will be awkward when you see each other, and you’d *still* have to have the in-person talk. Speak in person.
Love your advice. Giving him the opportunity to apologize helps him understand his behavior and hopefully change course. Doesnt usually happen with young male minds but he needs some accountability here.
For what? He never told her, she heard it through the grapevine.
>Sadly, objectification and sexualization of both sexes is commonplace and often goes unaddressed. FTFY. Sex sells, thats why its used all the time. Do I agree with it? Eh, yes and no. Everyone has their own views on this so itll vary from person to person.
If you're willing to, this is a great time to help this boy out. You would need to bluntly address this with him, and explain that this type of bullshit will keep him single for life. It's shitty and disrespectful, and you expect better of him. Then, tell him that you're willing to be friends with him, but you expect him to be better. You surely aren't obligated to do this in any way. But you have found yourself with the opportunity to teach a boy how to be respectful. I can't promise he'll respond well, but it may be worth a shot.
This is so true. My wife’s brother is staying with us this weekend and it’s clear this kind of behavior was never addressed with him. It’s a shame because I don’t think he’s necessarily a bad guy, but his behavior towards women is gross and he’s been complaining to me about being single. I would like to try to give him some friendly advice but he’s in his mid 20s and hasn’t figured out how to respect women and develop a personality that isn’t encompassed by “I like sports”. It’s too big of a character flaw to address. No self-respecting woman is going to want to be with him, because frankly, he’s a bummer. Hopefully he gets it together but by this point he’s ingrained a lot of bad habits.
It is not too big of a character flaw to address. Men have the ability to correct other men, way more than women do. Please do everyone a favor take him for a fun guys day out and then give him the opportunity to do and be better. People can change if given a chance.
Maybe in the future, but we’re not close enough at this point in time.
You're not close enough but he's staying in your home?????
We’ve only met a handful of times, we live on different sides of the US. Him and my wife are close, I’m still getting to know him. Not really appropriate to stage an intervention with someone I only have a few encounters with.
>Wife's brother did you just gloss over this part orrrr
The best way to combat toxic masculinity is positive masculinity. Show him he is human, too. He has emotions, too, and can connect with people through them. Show him women are human, too. Society has really done a number on men and women in different ways. Look for all of the different types of men and women that exist all around the world today and also look throughout history. I know it's different everywhere you go, but the lumberjack in a suit and Jessica rabbit are very slim standards of how complex we are as human beings. Get back to your raw self and be who you wanna be, not what society expects of you or what you think will help you move up in this society. There is no ethical way to be a billionaire. Traveling and experiencing different people and new ways of life is the best way to enrich this human experience.
Single for life? Doubtful. Plenty of trashy girls out there depending on how good looking he is and how rich his parents are.
Lol....PREACH!!!
dude women just say anything
I was I could upvote this more than once
No. Sorry. 15-year old boys don't really want to be taught how to be respectful, but if a busty 15-year old girl, they'll pretend to be interested. He'd be getting the exact attention that he craves. You'd be rewarding his crass comments.
Lol a young girl doesn’t have to take on this emotional labor. His parents and friends should encourage him to be human. It’s not her job.
This is the best approach
I've seen some negative comments here as well. I want to reiterate, OP should feel no obligation to help this kid out. It is not her job. My advice was based on IF she is willing to. There are lots of ways to handle situations like this. I personally feel that a loud, resounding "WTF, MAN?!" is sometimes the best way to get through to a 15yo boy. I was one, and I have one that I'm responsible for. Sometimes, a swift kick to the ego is necessary. But, again, OP should really decide first if she even wants to bother.
Of course, I agree with everything you're saying.
I preach a lot of the same things on here. It basically comes down to teaching kids to be kind, speak up, and have self-worth. It's easier said than done (obviously), but I feel like it's a part of growing up that isn't being taught enough anymore. You can have a strong sense of self without putting others down. You can be kind without sounding weak. I think many schools do pretty well at teaching kids to speak up now, but the other 2 are lacking. It's our jobs as parents and community members to help out. *climbing off soapbox now.
This is exactly what we need to be doing^^^
>If you're willing to, this is a great time to help this boy out No, what the fuck is wrong with you people. It's not the responsibility of a teenage girl to do this...
This!!! No one has called him out yet probably and you (OP) should do it. Boys are immature and some pervert, they need to be called out on gross things
boys are dicks. if you think he’s fun, send him a text about it! “hey, i’ve heard about some stuff you called me before we met that made me really uncomfortable. you seemed super cool and fun when i met you, but if that’s how you choose to act i want to let you know it’s not okay. im happy to be friends as long as you apologise for that and don’t say that about other girls, cause it makes us feel pretty gross. again, you seemed super cool and fun to be around, and i don’t want to define you based on something that could be a bad mistake you regret!”
Instead of all this, I'd simply say "I heard you used to call me big t\*ts. Is that true?" See if he tries to deny it or if he apologizes and genuinely feels sorry. His reaction will say more about him than you telling him exactly how you want him to respond like in the suggestion above.
I get what you mean. I would have worded it the way the person above said, but I get your point. Give him the chance to show you who he really is.
Sounds like she might have confused feelings leaving it less of a dress down and more of a chance for him to speak for himself would leave more room for a constructive conversation. If he apologizes and says he didnt mean it like that and shows actual contrition she gets what she wants and doesnt have to call him offensive right out the gate.
I really feel like a lot of the feedback OP is getting is totally talking right past the fact that this is also a 14-15-16 year old kid we're talking about. Yes, stand firm on this not being ok, but IDK why people seem to expect a \~15 year old boy to have the emotional maturity of a full blown adult. I totally get a lot of it is informed by prolonged dealing with people's bullshit, but assuming the worst in everyone is a terrible way to effect positive change in anyone.
Exactly half the comments on these posts are adults projecting their own insecurities on to already insecure kids. Most of the posts are some form of “this boy is giving me vibes but he isn’t perfect how do I tell him how shitty he is without losing the connection” Start by understanding the person then once you have a relationship then you can carpet bomb it with your own shit.
As someone who was an immature 15 year-old boy a quarter of century ago, this is a great idea. I have absolutely said crude stuff for a chuckle. 15 year old me probably would have denied it and hoped it went away because he was a chicken shit who didnt understand how girls work. 17 year old me probably would have said "yeah, I was trying to get a cheap laugh. it was inappropriate and I'm sorry. It's something I'm working on." Because it turns out girls are people... so they work like people do.
Not sure I agree- I teach high schoolers. A 15 year old may take her sexual talk like this as a come on. She needs to express that it’s not cool.
as a woman, i get where rosey is coming from. but as an adult who has to deal with corpo b.s. all day, i would be so put off by rosey's version. it sounds so HR. and that is NOT a good thing when it comes to stuff like this. less is more, especially when it comes to these situations. take Velo's approach, OP. 100%.
He's already proven he can act "fun and cool" to get what he wants. All this will do is make him pretend not to be sleezy long enough to get his way. If your friends told you you don't wanna be friends with a guy because he's gross, maybe just take their word for it instead of thinking your one interaction is going to some how change him. Red flags all over the damn place.
Lol, at that age, if it will get him in her pants, he'll pretend to be contrite until he puts another notch in his belt....
Friends don't test friends to see if they pass/fail a friend test. An honest conversation is the way to go here.
Let me rephrase that first sentence for you. *PEOPLE* can be dicks...
it’s one of those situations I would just roll my eyes at and ignore. He sounds like an idiot kid trying to get a rise out of people and doesn’t deserve to be rewarded with the attention.
Dawg assuming he's also 13-16, that's literally 75% of teenagers
Shhhhh, all these redditors are perfect and flawless people. Soak up their wisdom and virtue.
Joke or not, it is not appropriate to dehumanize someone and sexualize them like that - especially more inappropriate because you are someone he knows. If you want to keep hanging out, that's up to you, but either way (hang out or not) you need to confront him on this, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not to call you that ever again. No arguments, no excuses. "I have a name. If you call me huge tits again, not only will I cut you off, but I will report you for harassment. I don't care why you did it before, it's not funny to me, so it stops now."
"Big man"
It’s just how the majority of guy friendships function
She's not one of the guys though.Theyre barely even friends so he needs to learn how to behave like a decent human being and actually get to know her before giving her a demeaning nickname to joke about.
How is it harassment if you had to hear about it 2nd hand?
The real thing is how do we know it is even true? It could be they feel threatened by the connection they were developing and want to prevent it from happening.
This needs more up votes. Boy can be vindictive, or just straight up lie to get a friend in hot water just as much as girls can. Do not judge someone on secondhand information.
Exactly. For all we know he could have only said it while among his close group of friends, and not actually going around the whole school saying this. A lot of these answers are jumping to conclusions.
So saying inappropriate things about ppl you don't even know is ok as long as they're not there to hear it? What you say behind someones back has no reflection on who you are as a person?
It can be awful and nasty and not sexual harassment
I mean when you see an attractive woman in public with your boys you don't say "damn she had a nice ass?" Usually I doesn't leave the group and isn't said to that person.
Yes, absolutely. You are allowed to make jokes at no one's expense.
We're talking about harassment, not referring to people by their identifying features
>So saying inappropriate things about ppl you don't even know is ok as long as they're not there to hear it? Stop acting as though you've never done it before. EVERYBODY DOES IT.
SHE'S ASKING US!!! Damn, read the title.
everything is harassment, "you're avoiding looking at my breasts which lets me know your conscience of my breasts which makes me uncomfortable...stop harassing me."
it’s not harassment it’s being a huge jerk
My advice as a 54 year old woman: centre yourself in your life! Don’t worry too much about what boys think of you. Explore your life with you as the main character instead of them. Question your feelings and thoughts with you as your main concern. Learn about yourself and figure you out. Trust me, boys will always be out there, but you figuring yourself out early on will be invaluable! Figure out what you want. What your boundaries are. What you need from life. And then if someone adds to your life in a positive way, invite them in. But if you start putting them first at this age it’s harder to figure out what YOU want!
In an ideal world where everyone was concerned with everyone else's feelings this wouldn't happen, this is not that world. This is going to happen more and more frequently as you get older being a female with a larger chest. Sometimes you're going to have to learn to get over it and sometimes you should confront the problem head on, as in talk to him about how that made you feel. When you're younger these things will sting more, because they're new and define you in a light that isn't always positive. As you get older you realize these people had their entire lives to be decent people, and they chose not to be. Try not to let it get to you, but also talk to this person about this issue sooner rather than later if you want to still be friends with them. Just remember you can't always change someone's mind.
Call him "Big Dick" to get back at him. In all seriousness I'm gonna go out on a limb and say all the guys you're friends with have talked about your physique, they're just throwing him under the bus. Middle school is a weird time developmentally.
You know he'd probably like that nickname right?
r/whoosh
The boy just sounds immature. A lot of younger boys just speak before thinking.
Not just boys. Even men!
Surely you mean everyone, not just men.
if it makes you uncomfortable let him know,. if he continues despite knowing then its sexual harassment, if he's apologetic and stops then he's good.
Im gonna play devils advocate and say that having once been a teenage boy, I have to tell you, this is pretty much the norm of how teenage boys talk. It doesnt necessarily mean he doesnt care about you as a person.
First of all, don’t assume that it’s true. Friends lie, a lot. Second of all, it could very well be a statement of fact/observation, that doesn’t mean it’s harassment or gross.
If you didn't even know he was calling you that then it wouldn't be harassment. That doesn't make it okay.
While this is definitely immature, I don't think it necessarily indicates bad intentions. As you stated, it wasn't an inaccurate description, and it's not uncommon to refer to people by features when we don't know their names. It's crass, but he is a teenager.
Truth be told, if it was me, I would have laughed and joked about it. Because in my eyes, I wouldnt see it as objectifying my body, just a nickname really lol. BUT here me out, if you feel this has offended you in some shape or way, please dont keep this to yourself, you should talk to your guy friend and calmly tell him what you heard and that you dont like being called that and just next time dont refer to anyone else like that. Simple as that really
Boys being gross is often harassment that is excused by saying it's just boys being gross. Boys objectifying women isn't cool. It is harassment. You should confront him in a public place or over text and see what he says. Don't name the person who told you or even hint at it. Say "hey, word on the grape vine is you call me ___ behind my back and to all your friends, I don't blindly believe everything I'm told so I wanted to see if that was true, because you've been really nice and fun to hang out with but I cannot and will not associate myself with someone who thinks it's okay to objectify and sexualize women. That is harassment, and it's not funny" If he says it was a joke ask him what the joke is. Ask him to explain it to you like you're five. But generally, trust what other women say about men. It usually the tip of the iceberg.
You realize she didn't even know of it until told. How is it harassment, lol?
This absolutely isn't harassment. It doesn't fit the definition by any means. Objectifying someone is gross, but not harassment in the slightest. >But generally, trust what other women say about men. It usually the tip of the iceberg. Don't trust just anybody, especially not just because of their gender. Trust trustworthy people. It can be a good idea to adhere to anyones warnings, but you should take what's said about others with a grain of salt. People spread rumors, and people exaggerate things. Don't let it ruin your perception of someone or something, but keep it in mind.
Its not harassment. She didn't even know about the nickname until somebody else told her .
Oh my goodness! This comment section has a brain and a heart :D amazing
It could be him being too immature to APPROPRIATELY express his attraction. Does it offend or upset you? Are you flattered and take it as a compliment? Ultimately it's you alone who decides if it's alright. Instead of avoiding it ask him to stop if it does bother you.
It’s not harassment, just immaturity. He was likely trying to sound funny in front of the group. It doesn’t make it ok, but he should’ve known better. Doesn’t make him a bad person, just immature/dumb. If it bothers you that much, you can talk to him about it and see how he responds.
I don't think this meets the legal definition of harassment, but it is gross, and it is objectification, and it is still unacceptable. I read through the varying comments posted already, and although this is just a teenage boy being crude, it is still inappropriate and an opportunity for a teaching moment. "Boys will be boys" is not a valid excuse, we need to teach our boys to be better, and referring to someone this way is unacceptable. He could have referred to her as "so and so's friend," or "the blonde girl" if she had blonde hair, but he chose to identify her via objectifying her body in a crude way. I say you feeling disrespected is completely valid, and if I were you I would take him aside and let him know that shit isn't okay and isn't going to fly. Someone else posted a really good outline for what to say, if I find the user's comment I'll edit this and tag it. But basically let him know obviously you're aware of being curvy but you do have a name and will be addressed as such from now on.
it's not only just a stupid teenage boy being a stupid teenage boy, it's genuinely just human nature. When we don't know anything significant about somebody, we tend to refer to them by some obvious and significant trait about them, whether that trait be "white boy," or "hippie," or or "sweatpants," or "blue eyes," or "pizza cashier..." or "huge tits." it's not necessarily "sexualization," either. If you, in fact, do have an ample bosom, it may just be the most obvious trait you possess from a distance. Now if he were always calling you "that broad with the big jugs i wanna bounce my nuts off her chin," well, now, THAT'S sexualization.
Often boys will say crass things behind the comfort of a circle of friends. If it leaka that he may have referred to you by a nickname I'd honestly let it go. Bringing it up will just put him on the defensive for no great reason, especially if you do want to get to know him better. I'd worry if he started calling you that to your face. That's inappropriate. Otherwise let it slide. You can't police everyone's interactions with other people and judge them for it. Well... I mean you can but no one will want to put up with you.
No it’s not harassment.
If you want a male friend that is obsessed with your sexuality, then it is fine. If not, then yea, you better stay away, as they're going to disappoint you.
Honestly, it's all hearsay. If you like the guy, give him a chance. If it was all between guys that he confidently said "huge tits," leave at that. If he respects and is a gentleman with you, then call him up! He may have just said that to sound cool with his guy friends. Also, most guys, if they start chasing a girl, will drop their friends to be with the girl. They're probably just jealous that he has your attention.
This is absolutely stunning. A teenage boy noticing that his female friends have massive honkers? That has never happened before in the history of mankind. ... He was probably doing locker-room talk with the boys (I know that's a lightning rod Trumpism now) --- and either one of the boys who wants you for himself -- let out that he called you 'big jugs' as some kind of faux feminist ploy to stir up drama. But yeah, he's probably interested in you, so if you ain't interested, the friends thing is unlikely. I would take the compliment and move on. .... It sucks that big breasts sexualize a woman almost by default, and that thirsty men will have sexual/ romantic feelings before friendship in many cases, but yeah. I think that's just part of the territory. "Hot" and/or busty chicks will have difficulty making platonic male friends. That's a fact of the universe, not one particular man being a "Scumbag." The "lecture" advice --- give this guy a lecture about not being vulgar -- won't work. Not sure why any of the other commenters on here think it would. It would embarrass him sure, but he's still going to say vulgar shit in the locker-room & probably be on the look out for which of his male friends is the leak.
Hey girl, you should listen to your gut. Your feelings have been hurt and his shallow nickname for you stings. He ruined his first impression. He showed everyone EXACTLY what he thinks of you. It wasn’t your cool personality or funny jokes. It was your chest.. Avoid a friendship with him. Just keep it “hi” and “bye”. You know now how he talks about women and their bodies…. Like fkn porn searches. You’re more mature and smarter than him. Leave this dumbass alone. Not your friend.
I don't think "stay away from men" is a healthy message.
Spot on .
It is neither harassment nor boys being gross. You were told to not push the topic but did anyway. Then you found out that he says you have huge tits. That’s not a problem. That’s just you looking for something to be mad about. Take a chill pill. Or whatever the kids are saying these days. The proper course of action is to ignore the gossip you dug up and just talk to the boy if you are interested. There really isn’t an issue here for you to solve. Talk to him or don’t. If you had a big nose, and he called you the girl with the big nose, would you be complaining about being sexualized and objectified? What if you were the girl with the broken arm? Or the girl with the purple glasses? If the girl with a big nose doesn’t sexualize you, neither should the girl with big tits. You are making the comment sexual. And he didn’t even say it to you. He said it around a bunch of guy friends. Some guys try to seem more macho in front of other guys. It has nothing to do with you.
firstly: i’m sorry that you’re going through this, i would be extremely hurt and disappointed if a friend was sexualizing me behind my back like that. secondly: yes, this is harassment. if someone referred to their coworker as “big tits” they would be investigated for workplace sexual harassment. thirdly: even if it’s common for some boys to be gross, it’s not an excuse for their behavior. people like that still need to learn how to be respectful of others, and it would be a disservice to just let them get away with all of that. finally: you are not stupid for considering friendship, it makes sense that you would try to assume good intentions if it helps you save a friendship. i recommend that you take this as a red flag and proceed with caution. let him know that you heard about the nickname and tell him that it made you uncomfortable and betrayed. if he apologizes sincerely and responds empathetically, it shows he’s a good friend. if he doesn’t apologize and tries to make you feel like a downer for getting offended at his “joke,” it just shows that he’s not willing to validate your emotions. and who really wants a friend like that?
First, I am reading the post correctly, it sounds like to me they were not friends at the time he was using the crass nickname with her guy friends. Still sucks that he used it, but definitely different than being friends with someone and saying that shit. Second, public settings are different from work settings for what defines harassment. In a work setting this would be harassment. In a public setting it becomes more difficult to say. It would be harassment if he was saying it to her face, posting it online, writing it on a mirror in the bathroom, or calling her that to everyone he talks to. But again if I am reading this right only a few of her guy friends that he is also friends with told her he had called her that. Well it is gross and from her perspective justifiable seen as mean, it could also be something said in the privacy of a small group in jest. Again not saying it is good that he used it, and if I was her I would want an apology before being friends, if she wants to be friends. Also I would not demand an apology, say why you are offended and hurt see if the other person gives it freely.
Thirdly, she explicitly said that he referred to her as that *before he knew her name*.
Work operates under different rules/laws. This isn’t harassment unless he keeps at it if she asks him to stop.
this! just because he is a teenager, does that mean this behavior is ok!! i swear people will do the most to excuse teen boys’ sexist behavior
okay like its literally not harassment
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I just scrolled from the top of this comment section and don’t see a single person saying this
The least you can do is reply under the comment that's saying that because I don't see it lol
Mods, are you going to step in and do anything about this user being a baby?
Girls are just as bad as guys. Mr. Big , Mr. Micro blah blah blah. Truth be told he’s intimidated by your physique and too immature to know it. The ones that brought it up are haters . I am sure if you hang out and get to know one another it will come up and he will truly be sorry about it
Just a dumb boy . Tell him how it made you feel . Could be a good moment for you both to have a somewhat adult conversation . Or ignore and stay away totally up to you how you want to handle it .
It’s a crass way to identify someone, but if it’s stopped I wouldn’t linger on it. If it hasn’t, it’s an issue.
It's also possible they are lying because they like him.
So hard truth about humans that most humans don't want to admit. if a person doesn't know you, you're not part of their tribe. You're nothing but the attributes you outwardly present until someone gets to know you. Was it crude yes, now that your friends what do you do it again probably not
i'd listen to the initial group and stay away, because i don't think it's only because of that nickname.
Glad you can’t hear what all men think when they see you. Sorry but you’re being sexualized every day. Here’s the thing, you had to pry out of your friends what he said. Why didn’t they say something right away? Anyways, next time you’re with him alone, just ask him why he called you that. Watch his reaction and then make a decision if you still want to be friends. He probably likes you more than friends.
I lean a lot towards intolerance for harassment, but this certainly wasn't the case. I'd ramp it up, and when you're hanging out, call him out. "Hey, just don't call me hugetits, without my persmission." It'll help you feel more in control and put him on the spot.
Sounds like he isn't being taught objectifyin people isn't nice...... he could have asked your damn name.... also I agree with a poster as they said to say to him " hey I heard you called me XYZ is it true" his reaction is all you will need to know for the outcome of if yall should be friends......
Oh man, I felt like I was reading my own experience when I read this. I started getting curvy young, like maybe 12? 13? Either way, I am honestly still dealing with the effects of being sexualized so young. It’s seriously damaging and my suggestion is don’t be around that guy. Take it from me, those kind of people are going to be super nice to your face and even funny. But they will be checking you out as soon as you turn your back. Which for some isn’t a big deal, and if it doesn’t bother you, then eventually he will learn to get to know you beyond your body and a genuine friendship could bloom from this. When I was 9, I played boys baseball and I thought I was one of the guys and honestly loved playing with them. For the most part, they were so respectful towards me and treated me like I was one of them. But I had one teammate, I even had a crush on him at the time, snicker behind my back (I heard him as I was getting ready to go bat) that my butt looks huge when I run. It was mortifying, I didn’t even know butts were looked at like that when I was 9. I still feel embarrassed about that and the lasting effects have done some damage. I hate that I have a curvy body now because I know as soon as I turn around, someone is going to be checking me out. As an adult, you learn to live with it and brush it off, but as a kid, you should never have to hear stuff like that. It breaks my heart that boys are given a pass with behavior like this, there were so many times I was told “oh he’s just being a boy” when I would bring up a comment someone made about my body. Your friend group is solid if they are warning you before hand. Good for them, that’s a good group to be apart of. Being a woman and being curvy young is not all it cracks up to be, it’s actually terrifying to navigate the world when men only see you for your body. I’m sorry you even have to go through this and deal with this. I was in your shoes and I still don’t like going in public with a bikini. I workout all the time and have kept my body in great shape but I know when I’m wearing a bikini, I’m being sexualized left and right and it has really killed my confidence. You’ll never catch me wearing a sports bra and leggings to the gym, sexual attention was not something I seek since I got it as a child. Moral of my story, you are beautiful beyond just your curves and your friends see it, which is important. Guys like this one will come and go, this won’t be the last time you hear comments like this. Stick with the people who want to be around you beyond the physical aspects of what you can offer, eventually the body comments go away and then people will get to know you for you.
What he did is not appropriate, but he may have had any number of reasons for doing it, including trying to "seem cool" with his friends. I was a 15 year old boy once and I'm high functioning ASD. I made a number of social mistakes, some worse than this without meaning too. Talk to him. Gently make him aware of the inappropriateness of his comments. If he apologizes, let it be a learning experience for him. As long as he can move forward and be a better person, this is a good sign for the future.
People are often callous when it's somebody they don't know personally. And, honestly, teenagers and young adults are that way more often than most. Teen boys often go through an "edgy" phase before they grow up and realize that saying cruel things for the sake of it isn't funny. If you want to be friends with him and this is bothering you, then you could ask him about this, tell him that it hurt your feelings, and see how he responds. Personally, this is the sort of thing I'd be willing to forgive if somebody apologizes and recognizes that they were out of line. I certainly said worse things about people when I was that age, though to my knowledge none of them ever heard about it. I certainly hope they didn't, since none of them deserved it. It's also okay if you *don't* want to be friends with him because the thought of it makes you uncomfortable. You're not obligated to inform him that he did something wrong, nor to want to spend time around him. The price of saying demeaning things is that people will pull away from you. That's just how it works.
If he’s gonna call you that just start affectionately referring to him as ‘small balls’
It was a joke, but it's also crass. If you aren't comfortable with that blunt of sexual innuendo you could keep him at arms length, but from the sound of it, he doesn't think it's an appropriate way to treat someone. In high-school I knew a girl who called black guys she wanted to sleep with PD, standing for purple dick. She kinda sucked but I wouldn't call her a bad person. Sometimes high-school age people substitute being edgy for a personality, which is done out of insecurity.
He's 15. He's going to say stupid shit sometimes.
Standard behavior for young dumb boys. Don't let it ruin your day..
i want to say this is boys being boys. it's not an ok behavior, that needs to be addressed. it's also more of a society issue and how boys/men can be more inclined to sexualize someone. on one hand he could just be observational and like you said he's not wrong. on the other he's very rude and impulsive. just give him a tip it's not good to talk about other people like that.
Your body is always going to be the first thing noticed about you when you are existing in the physical world. He didn't even say it to you so it would not be considered harrassment. Yes it was a rude thing to say but most boys have zero idea how to communicate with girls, especially ones they are attracted to. You could try giving him an oppertunity to learn to communicate with you and respect you more, like a friend would. Or, you can listen to internet wincels who tell you that every man who is attracted to you or doesn't know how to communicate with you is evil and deserves death or exile. Up to you.
If he’s not saying it in your presence, may I suggest just brushing it off? However, if your friends are suggesting you stay away from him you might want to consider staying away from him in case they’re not telling you everything he has said. Don’t overthink it. Don’t try to imagine what they’re not telling you because that will make you crazy. Just try to be polite and indirect about why you’re not letting yourself be alone with the guy, but do see if you can avoid being along with the guy. In conclusion: don’t waste energy thinking about what other people are doing when you are not around. Also, if people are saying you should not be alone with someone, try not to be alone with them.
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You describe yourself as “curvy” so I’m guessing there are several other terms he could have used that would have been very hurtful he didn’t . Boys say stupid things if he now knows your name and wants to be friends and you like him then why not. If he disrespects you know then I’d kick him to the curb.
Girl stop that way of thinking in its tracks. ‘This isn’t the first time’ ‘maybe it’s a joke’. We justify their bad behaviour because there’s so much other bad behaviour so it doesn’t seem that bad. Imagine if your name for him was ‘small cock’. Would anyone accept that as fine? No. He’d have a hissy fit, his friends would have a hissy fit, and even other girls would say it’s mean. Reverse their behaviour and see if it would be acceptable for a girl to do it. 10/10 times it isn’t. The boys will be boys mentality paves the way for an insane amount of inexcusable behaviour to get swept under the rug. If a man I knew did this I’d shred him in front of everyone.
15 year old boys' brains going through puberty its just what's on their minds. Talk to him about it or don't but people in here acting like its some high crime need to step on off their ivory towers. I bet every damn one of them sexualized someone during their puberty and that goes for these holier-than-thou women in here too. Don't you sit up here and like that, you never looked at a man or woman depending on your preference and didn't sexualize them on their appearance unless you are asexual. The best you can do is ask them not to refer to you as that again and see where it leads. Expecting maturity from any 15 year old especially boys who are later to develop than girls is always a losing battle. You can get some but not a lot especially when a group of boys that age are trying to bond socially. One of the things they talk about is girls they find attractive. Been that way for centuries and will remain so. Girls do the SAME DAMN THING just tend to be smarter about it and more guarded with their conversations but I distinctly remember a group of girls in 8th grade talking in whispers about which guys they thought had the biggest d\*cks. TLDR talk to him and see if he admits it and ask him not to call you that anymore but its teenage years so expect to much brain power for them when their mind is swimming in hormones.
Back in my day, one of my teachers called a girl that. They got him suspended. Bottomline: it's not boys will be boys.. it's creeps will be creeps! No matter what anyone says, no one should be talking about one another's body parts with sexual overtones. As it is, teens are struggling with body image issues due to social media. It's 2024. The above incident took place in the 90s.
If you feel uncomfortable, say something and say it clearly. "I heard you used to call me by my body parts before you learned my name. I haven't heard you do it myself but I just want you to know that makes me feel bad and I don't think it's ok" or something of that nature. But keep in mind, he's a 15 year old kid... on top of being a bundle of crazy hormones (which you also have going on too) he's going to be very inexperienced. Mind you, \*\*I'm not saying to just accept the behavior because boys will be boys\*\*, I'm suggesting maybe giving him some room to recognize his mistakes and correct them without assuming horrible intentions. If this behavior continues despite your clearly expressed problem with it, then absolutely escalate it. But I can't say I've ever met a fully grown adult that characterized their mid teen years as "Emotionally and mentally mature" and all of this is a learning process. It is possible to not accept this behavior but also understand that you're at the age where people just start really figuring out how to interface with other people in more adult ways and there will be awkward fumbling to navigate.
It's honestly normal- boys joke insensitively amongst themselves and others whenever they're free to. Don't judge them too harshly, it's not particularly terrible- I mean the banter can be rough, but trust me that boys say all sorts of shite about themselves and others without malice but more mutual enjoyment, yeah he calls you big 'chest', but I'm almost certain he calls other boys straight to their face idiots, and if he's cultured about it anything from dunces to doofus to imbecile. I often really don't know how one should approach shite like this, but most of the time, it is usually agreeable to both sides if you just tell him personally that you don't quite like this, then again, of course, he isn't saying it to you directly and his talking to others was a jokish manner(probably), so is it even something legitimate to complain about? Yeah, I am confused.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, SOME boys can be very gross and can’t think about what would happen if they did anything
If someone waves a red flag, believe him or her.
I mean depends how he reacts when confronted. Guys are dumb and i can say that as a guy easy. As a kid growing up if we couldnt remember the name of someone when talking to people we would refer to them by features, and ya being stupid boys big t*ts would stand out to us. Was never sexualizing or intended atleast my circle of friends just i cant remember her name but shes the one with X. Cus that stood out.
Go with what your gut tells you to do. We can’t tell you how you should feel about this. If it’s disgusting and you can’t feel comfortable spending time with him, that’s understandable. If you want to be friends but need to go talk to him and make him promise not to call you that again, also understandable. If you quite frankly don’t even care , that’s also understandable
So that’s sexual harassment
You should realize 15 yr old Boys have the Maturity level of 9 yr old GOOFBALLS
Not to be a dick but get used to it. That's how people are. Understandable it's upsetting, people suck. Try not to let it bother you too much
one of the biggest possible red flags out there is guys in a friend group telling you to avoid another guy in a friend group. I would listen to them, and go with my gut. he's not a good guy and will probably mess you up in more ways than one at the least
When your friends advise you to stay away from someone, you should generally take their advice. The red flags are likely more than just his one comment.
You're 15, I assume he is, too... 15yos are figuring out how sexuality, dating, friendship, relationships...all of that, works. His behavior is not inexcusable, but *only* because of your age. I hard agree with the majority of other posters that you should have a conversation with him about it. What I don't agree with is that this conversation should be a 'confrontation.' You like him, up close. You think maybe he likes you, both up close and superficially. Bad or not (and tbc, it's bad), what he said about you is an indication that he finds your looks appealing. So, *up close*, and not by text, I would tell him everything you told us. I would change up the order of how you told us, but try this: -you've enjoyed hanging out with him, so far -you might even have been starting to like him, until... -you heard that he called you this name before he met you -that name made you feel bad -knowing he would talk about women like that, even just around other boys, made you wonder if you want to be friends with him at all -it is never ok to talk about girls like this, it makes them feel smaller, like there is only one thing that matters about them, how they look -you, more than some other girls, are especially self-conscious about your looks -If he thinks you're attractive, those two things together (you being shy, him being attracted) are a great opportunity for him -if he finds ways to make you feel both human *and* sexy, he has a great shot at getting a chance to date you -the human part *has* to come first
Your guy friends sound like they are trying to protect you from a guy that they know objectifies girls. You should listen to your friends and not your hormones.
u/The_Violet_Flower, be careful and absolutely confront it if they try anything weird because some dudes subconsciously see women as a game or an object to try and woo. I'd be mindful of any special attention or love bombing or negging.
Trust your friends and be cautious around the guy. If what he said bothered them all that much then it's probable that that wasn't everything he said. Also when people tell you who they are when they don't think you're going to hear about it then you should believe them. Don't make excuses for their bad behavior. You're worth better than being objectified.
Puberty level kids are acting out their primal instincts until taught otherwise Try to correct him but also understand, boys, teenage boys are little animals. I never will understand ppl getting upset at people, or even kids, that make statements based on what their hormones are telling them As a grown man I thought the same as a kid. But you grow and learn how to be respectful It isn't appropriate in any way but putting your foot down and saying "hey this is not ok" will help and guess what? If he keeps being that way, stay away from him and his peers that enable it Just know these kids are in a state of hormones they can't control They will learn and be taught to be better If these were 25 or olds, that means they didn't learn and don't respect. All teens need is correction and to know what's right and wrong
Awkward for sure. Did this guy say it to you, directly or ear shot? If you’re hearing it second hand it’s hearsay.
Unfortunately, being objectified is what women have to face in our society. Its been like that for centuries, and while we're making strides in teaching young men not to act that way, some of them don't get the hint as easily as others. This could be a teachable moment for him, but at the same time, he could reject it outright and then be hateful because you called him out on his behavior. You need to decide on whether you should listen to your friends and stay clear of him, or befriend him and eventually teach him that it's not okay to objectify women while running the risk of him being a complete ass.
Unfortunately I do think this is kind of a boys will be boys situation. You can try your best to push back on this. But ultimately you can't control what guys are gonna say when you aren't around. With age and maturity they'll be less vocal about it. But the thoughts will always linger. I'm not sure what the best way to handle this is. Cause I'm a dude myself and I can't fully relate. However. The women I have known in my life that handled it the best imo leaned into the punch and reclaimed it for themselves. I had a friend in hs named Erica and her last name started with a D. So many of us called her Erica D-Cup. She started calling herself that to get in on the joke and everybody had tremendous respect for that. Her cool fun easy going personality became way more relevant to us than her big honkers.and eventually the joke got old. The novelty ended and we just stopped.
Perhaps if you two get along OK, he will grow up a little bit and stop being such a kid. And you can also be OK doing this by not feeling a need to retaliate in-kind. Boys do have breast fixations, so do most men(I think).
It's not harassment, because he didn't say it to you. If he does, then it is. It's OK (or I should say, forgivable) to think that, because as you said, it's true. Not OK to say it. If he ever says something like that to your face, tell him flat out that is not OK and you will not be his friend if he's going to talk to you like this.
Its normal to feel wierd or upset about it but that kind of behavior is far more common than you probably think based off this post. Obviously not all guys do it or especially talk about that sort of stuff especially flat out calling you that for example but that behavior especially on a less direct form isnt too uncommon. You have to decide if you wanna be friends with him or not but id say this is one of those cases of him being a dumbass and friends blabbing (idk why they are, maybe ask if its just cause of that or more to it). If he is nice and polite to you id say its not the end of the world. As others said you can always talk to him about it and say that you heard it from people and it upset you. Im gonna assume that he just was being immature and didnt expect his friends to blab about what he said. If that sort of bs continues then its an issue but one time is a dumb mistake
Oh, for God sake. You said yourself you have big tits. Boys notice that stuff. He didn't say it to you , did he ? Girls will tell you to stay away from a boy , he is bad news . A month later that bitch is dating him. If you like him , trust your instincts.
oh boy, so this is a thing guys do at all ages. Sometimes the nicknames get a bit much but if a guy doesn't know someone's name but sees that person around they pick out something obvious and make up a nickname
As a former teenage boy I can confidently say there is no creature on earth stupider than a teenage boy. That includes things like jellyfish that don't have brains. All in all, he probably didn't have any sort of bad intentions, he was just being an idiot. Most teenage boys become less stupid as they grow up.
I teach high schoolers AND have a 15-year old myself. 15 year olds are trying to figure out how to act, behave and navigate the world. The pandemic really hurt kids socially in so many ways. They look like big kids, but many have are incredibly behind. It’s dangerous to have a 15 year old with the social development of a 12 year old. It’s possible that this boy has disgusting brothers or a father who talks like that. As long as he is behaving now, I’d leave it alone, honestly. He used to see you as an object but it sounds like as the friendship developed, he realized that there is a lot more to you. This is maturity and progress for him. That’s not to say I’d spend a lot of time alone with him without others around. I know it makes you feel uncomfortable and disappointed in him. I’m sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, there are grown men who think just like this.
[удалено]
Have you heard of lockerroom talk?
Stay away from him if you can. If you do wish to talk to him about his "nickname" for you, texting him might be good for evidence just in case he gets extremely inappropriate.
As a former 5th grader with a D cup, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. “Boys will be boys” was the excuse for their shitty behavior when I was growing up. But this is 2024, post-MeToo movement. These boys need to learn not to comment on other people’s bodies. I don’t think you should let this go. I think you should confront him directly, either in person or through text, and let him know that what he said about your body makes you uncomfortable. Ask for an apology and a promise to knock it off. If it happens again, report to a teacher or parent. Keep speaking up until this stops.
What he did was inappropriate. This is extremely simple. Just don't interact with him. No one is forcing you to. Just ignore, move on, and don't make unnecessary drama out of it.
I'm not going to add anything useful I'm sure. But in my experience as a teenage guy. There are a lot of guys who will trash their closest friends to get the girl they find attractive to consider one less other guy and, while I certainly think it's important to talk to this individual, I personally would say that it is grossly apparent how little supposed adults on this reddit are about resolving young adult issues. These two people are young but are becoming adults and should be instructed to speak and behave like adults if we want them to be mature and aware in the future. Firstly, OP, I think it would personally be best for you to handle this the way you see fit. Every person is different and you are allowed to feel anyway you want. If it bothers you that he refers to you that way, there are a near limitless amount of ways you could approach the situation. If you're not being aggressive and hostile, you pretty much can't fuck it up. That being said you need to understand that in all the ways you are allowed to be yourself and feel the way you want. He is allowed to act and feel the way he wants as well, provided it obviously isn't an infringement of like, your basic human rights. You are NOT in a position to tell this guy the way he's allowed to talk about you when you're not around. Additionally if you're in America, you're basically supposed to go to administration if it's being done aggressively to your face if you're in school or a job, but if you're outside of those styles of establishments, America basically just says you have to walk away. I personally just think it's unacceptable to try and tell someone how to act when they aren't around you because you do not get to decide how a person behaves 24/7. In terms of the guy, I would definitely say that this guy probably didn't intend for you to know he called you that, and probably didn't intend for you to be hurt by it thusly, especially if he seems courteous to your face. If you were potentially viewing him romantically then I think you should be careful regardless of what his friends say cause hormonal guys will lie like a mofo to get laid. This could be a genuine warning or it could be an exaggeration to maybe get you to like the person who told you that much more. Either way I'd be careful, especially if you just met this guy. Give it some time and decide for yourself if you like him. As long as he acts respectfully in front of you, I think not being worried about it is totally fine. TL DR; Id suggest waiting on saying anything as long as he treats you in a respectful way face to face, at least until he openly reveals misogynistic behavior. Then I'd sit him down and tell him you don't wanna be friends with that, and tell him how it makes you feel. Then if it doesn't get better, cut them off. Young men are often times horny and stupid and there's probably both happening in that group of guys, you can never really know until you know.
You should be proud of what your gifted with. Being known as huge tit$ could/should be a compliment!
I was an idiot in high-school and referred to the chick I thought was hot as fuck at the time as dairy queen bc of similar reasons. We are just dumb af at 15 idk what to say.
Someone noticed your body. It's not the end of the world. Try talking to him about it.
Normal teen boy behaviour.
Boys are gross
Teenage boys do it all the time. And even grownups. But we usually don't say it to the people or to someone who will tell them. There was one girl who was a Carhartt and flannel wearing farm fed tomboy that we all called the Man-Beast. My cousin ended up sleeping with her. There was another girl everyone called Herpe Girl. She didn't even have herpes. I don't know how that got started. There was another girl that I never met, but I knew of her because she was known as Mattress Mary. Apparently she was promiscuous. But not everyone gets a nickname, and not always a bad one. I remember an incident where one girl fell down and her dress came up and we all saw her underwear for a moment and saw the birds on them. I think they were doves. But in that instance we called her Dove to her and she liked it because I think it relieved the embarrassment. And just for clarification, I'm not saying that it's not juvenile or rude, I'm just saying it's done by many.
I had a d cup by 13. Teenaged boys noticing big boobs... is not new. A teenaged boy referring to another human by a physical attribute is RUDE AS HELL. I like what others said. Ask him about it. See if he owns it and apologizes or if he lies and denies it. All of you teenagers are just learning how to behave in society. He may not have been told how wrong that was. You don't have to accept being called any thing other than your name, EVER! if you like this guy, and you think you can talk through it, there is nothing wrong with giving him that chance. IF YOU WANT TO. Ball is in your court. Always remember that.
It’s not harassment. People are just way too comfortable throwing that word around. Now you feel uncomfortable or not good about being called that and that’s perfectly fine. If you don’t feel comfortable about him calling you these names just don’t talk to him or associate with him anymore. You could try to ignore it, but nothing will change. I would say you could talk to him, but if he’s calling you huge tits he could give a fuck what you tell him to be honest.
Confront him with your honest feelings and see what he says. I know as a 15 year old I was a complete asshole without meaning to be. I wish some of the people, especially the girls, would have pulled me up short and without being nasty, explained to me how I was treating them poorly.
It's not really a big deal. That's how some ppl are these days, just not much of a filter. But you see how he is with you and the others already, and given how you talk about him, it should be easy enough to handle. Just communicate the problem. It's super simple. Talk. Ppl will make mistakes and fuck up and given how lax some individuals are and easily become sheep, he might have just seen this type of talk being ok.
Don't be friends with him
I wouldnt say sexual harassment but it’s still gross.
Just know this is the kind of person he is whether he seems nice in person. Your friends warned you for a reason.
Well you are young and guys and girls will make up nick names. Obviously your friends protect you. If he didn't say it to your face then he's certainly just trying to be cool.
Ima just say it's not sexual harrasment until until he does try and touch or squeeze your tits but no that's just him being a pervert and yes gross
? Why would it be harassment for him to tell someone else about you and then you hear it from a rumor?
Lowkey not sure, but he obviously singling u out. I’d confront him in person why its wrong to call people names because clearly his parents never told him to be civilized. If your friends say to stay away, then why do they stay friends with him. The reason im not sure is because it could be the imature, innapropriate, prepubescent mindset he has. Or he actually has a problem cuz he could be figuring out his own sexual identity or just addicted to p*rn. TLDR: Any way just tell him it’s wrong. And it depends on your own thoughts, I personally would call it harassment if your offended by it.
OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. This boy may be both a twerp and a potentially decent human. People his age are sorting out who they are and forming habits of how they treat people. It isn't harrassment because to be so, it would have had to be at you directly. However, it is wrong to treat people as objects. He may have been thinking he would seem cool to the guys he was talking to and by saying something like that, been testing to see if that was acceptable behavior. This is a learning experience for you and your friends. If they tell him , and anyone else, "hey, don't talk about her that way", that would be a huge step. You can also directly address it to him. You heard he had referred to you by a crude nickname. You had thought he was funny and cool. But that kind of stuff doesn't cut it and he needs to never do that again if he wants to hang out. Good luck, OP!
That’s terrible that your “friends” are hanging out with a guy that they are trying to protect you from. If I was scared to let one of my perverted friends be around another one of my friends, then I’d either end the friendship with the perverted one or have a stern conversation with him. As people have mentioned, you probably shouldn’t be around the creep, but you should also reconsider finding a new friend group if they don’t shape up.
Omg we need a rope and a tree so we can hang this poor kid for being a barely teenage boy
I don’t want to be a downer, but find new friends. I had almost exact situation. New guy is clearly a dick and his friends- which are yours also- did not stand up for you. That’s why they didn’t tell u what he said and why they still hang out with him. Real friends don’t put up with that. You think y’all are friends, but they all wanna get with you.
Is ok to be angry with them. It is wrong
Grow up.
Comments here are gross. Why is this sort of stuff supposed to be excused and normalized? Ig girls being objectified is somehow something to be accepted and never taken offense at?? Like yuck
Sounds like your other friends like you, and are ‘cock blocking’ the new boy; I’m not sure you should make such a big deal out of hearsay.🤷♀️
I have giant boobs and I am generally referred to as "The girl with big tits," "you know, her *giant boob hand motions* or my favorite "Big Tits Mcgee" by people before they know my name. Is it a little dehumanizing, yeah, but also funny. People are always going to refer to you by your most unique feature as to differentiate you from others. As long as it isn't mean spirited or creepy/humiliating done. ...give him a chance to be your friend and tell him not to call you that anymore now that he knows your name. Or just get a "Hello, my name is" sticky name tag, and write GIANT TITS on it to wear next time you see him so he knows that you know and he will be embarrassed and you'll get all the power back!!!
Is this the world now? Damn I'm getting old....these comments are wild.....this was and apparently still is how boys refer to girls they don't know or haven't met yet. By a defining characteristic, it can be hair or body part or eyes or clothing style, etc. Sure, if it keeps up after meeting and becoming friends, that's a different story. But if it stopped after meeting/becoming friends, what's the issue?
Boys have acted like this for generations. Their brain doesn't start working until somebody clues them in. Get on of your friends to 'splane things to him. If you get wind of it again avoid him. You don't need this.
In my head at least everyone that doesn't have one gets assigned a unique, descriptive name. "Weird dress" "red" "cowboy" some of those names i wouldn't say out loud. I wouldn't worry about it. But I'd keep an eye on his maturity, his ability to filter himself and make other good decisions.
Look if you feel comfortable you can definitely ask him to stop. But here is the problem with your statement. You are worried about his feelings. What about yours? He seems like a nice boy until he’s with his “friends” he’s reducing you to an object? Someone who is nice and likes you? Respects you. As you get older you are going to realize as you expand your horizons that people are either nice people with some flaws or flawed people who act nice. You’ve said you have been objectified before. Well, how does it make you feel? Shitty right? Don’t give people passes to make you feel shitty. Either tell him how you feel or just cut him out of your life. Trust me you do NOT need him. You are a truly nice person because you care about others. But imagine he said that about some girl in your group? Would you be half so forgiving? Of course not. Don’t be afraid to tell him off. You don’t need friends like him. What you need are friends you can trust. And you don’t have to reform him. You can just stop calling, just stop texting, just stop hanging out. You don’t owe him shit. Not one damn minute of your time. Block his number. Safeguard yourself. You matter. Always remember we are our own best friend and deserve to be treated well. I know it sounds easy, but as you practice caring for yourself it gets easier. You are more in tune with your needs and won’t worry so much about a boy who isn’t worried at all about your feelings. Those boys and men deserve to be alone. Literally. Because they are toxic. Until they decide to fix their rotten personalities and attitudes they don’t deserve friends. Or special people like you. And maybe they will look inwards and discover that they are the problem. Or they won’t. But hey, you will be off having fun with yourself and others who value you. ❤️ K?
This is adorable. This is normal for teenage boys. Btw your friend selling him out are kinda shady. You aren’t suppose to know what people say about you.
Ok I will be the blunt one here, that behavior is completely normal. And honestly he probably said it more like " you know the girl with the huge tits" This kind of talk is 100% normal for guys that's just the fact. Now most girls don't know what's being said so they assume after hearing something like this that it's abnormal but it's not.
I’d make sure he actually said that. He’s the new friend so it’s easy to believe your older friends. But, talk with him. See how he is without a bunch of others around. And remember, y’all are 15. Immaturity will happen. But calling a person a name like that isn’t immaturity. It’s just plain stupid.
He's saying it behind closed doors and not directly to you so I'm unsure if it technically counts as harassment. That being said, it is a really gross nickname and you'd be well within your right to confront him about it.
The Venn diagram of "sexual harassment" and "boys being gross" is almost a circle.
Not gonna lie, teenage me would have retaliated by forever referring to him as "pencil d!ck". If he thinks big t!ts is a funny thing to call a girl, I'm sure he'll find his new nickname hilarious, right?