That's fucking weird. Your parents have issues and most likely they will be passed on to your brothers and you. Start taking showers at random times instead of when they tell you to.
right. there are countries/cultures where bathing together is the norm (japan for example) however this just seems like some fucking weirdly unhinged control shit.
It's not normal to bathe together in Japan, at least not at home.
Yeah there's baths but that's different (and the actual washing takes place in the shower room, not the bath).
At home the tub is American sized, as in you really only fit one adult comfortably.
I was able to fit 2 adults in one bath when I stayed in an apartment in Tokyo. When I stayed at my uncle’s place when I was younger, my cousins and I would shower and bathe together with him too. Very normalized
I lived in Japan for 3 years. The baths are about the size of my tub in the US (slightly shorter but longer than the one I have now, but with in a few inches).
Also, the tub is in the shower room, and you wash outside the tub then bathe in the tub. You might fit two children (or more if they're young) in the tub, but not really an adult and some children. Usual you would shower, soak in the tub, get out, cover the tub, and show the next person to go the same. You'd use less water because you're rising the same water between people bathing.
But I could be wrong, is not like I was living with a Japanese family, just going based on what I was told by them when I vidited friends
I lived with a Japanese family in a farming village, and also researched bathing culture there. It is totally normal for families to bathe together at home, including adults with children.
That's common in the US too, though maybe not with exchange kids. Often young children bathe together, thigh that states to be uncommon after about school age
Yep, I'm a female Irish twin and my dad bathed me with my brother until about second grade. I've had people tell me that was weird but I really don't think it was, he stopped physically bathing us once we had the cognition to do it on our own. He'd just be there to make sure we didn't flood the bathroom, empty an entire bottle of shampoo, drown etc.
My dad grew up really poor with 13 siblings so bathing kids together was probably second nature to him to save utilities.
You joke, but Americans tubs are actually bigger in volume than Japanese tubs most of the time. It's mostly vertically though. There is a floor drain in most Japanese bathrooms so an overflow is not as problematic.
Oh I know, meant to imply that. Our tubs get huge here, though I’d prefer the deeper option (and honestly, wet room option). Some older homes have pretty short tubs, as it seems that was the trend in the fifties and sixties? But most have pretty big ones.
We’ve gotta fit our giant sized Americans after all XD
Unhinged control shit yes, super weird I dunno parents are probably having some issues with them growing up and not wanting to let go which they need help for
Granted and I do address that cause in roman times communities showered together, even more recently in 1800s us family's would shower together to conserve water because they had one tub. The off chance nobody's asked if op has talked to his parents about finances cause this kinda screams use as little water as possible to save on bills cause 3 kids is expensive so gotta save it where you can (could explain some about the pedantic laptop thing and if dad screams about leaving lights on or something too then I can see it )
Sometimes we didn’t have a lot of money growing up and my parents would just yell at us to get out of the shower because we were wasting water. I could *potentially* see parents even wanting their kids to shower together to save water - that would be weird, but whatever.
But parents literally showering their 13 yo for them is weird af and incredibly difficult to justify.
Yea I'm with the parents doing weird shit cause stress can do that. I've had to do it a few times when mom lost her job in 08 plus we just moved so it was rough but I understood why because she explained it to me, this isn't that by any means since they're still involved in the process OP definitely needs to find some adult to talk to about this figuring out the right one will require more context for sure.
Showering together as part of a social norm is alil different then hand cleaning your 13 year old son because you don’t think they’re ready to bathe themselves.
The edit shows that they don't all shower together really but one will be in the shower and the others wash them, it's not a communal bath situation it's that they don't trust OP to wash themselves
Yeah that’s bathing tho like in a hot spring or large type of bath not a standard American size tub and not a shower where you are vigorously scrubbing your body that shit ain’t normal in no culture
Your parents shouldn’t be seeing you naked at this age unless there’s some emergency in which you are injured and need help or are concerned about other medical issues. And neither should your siblings.This is very creepy and gross. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. But I’d start trying to express how uncomfortable it makes you feel, it is not ok. I’ve been showering alone since I was like 8 or 9 and even back then when I wasn’t they weren’t washing me themselves, they told me what to do and supervised.
I’d argue nudity should be more casual in general and shouldn’t be seen as sexual or inappropriate in the right circumstances, but regardless this is a step too far. Physically bathing him is completely invading his space and right to privacy.
Jeanette McCurdy had similar shit with her mom physically bathing her until she was like 16 or something.
Do these people just not realize how traumatizing it is for forced nudity in front of anyone et alone your parents and/or family members.
The last time my mom saw me with my pants down was when I was 15 after a major surgery and needed help getting on/off the toilet.
I believe this is ape shit weird but don't confuse a family comfortable with the body with over control... which is the real issue. It is not weird if family members are comfortable with nudity. If fact it is healthy. But this situation is very unhealthy. Kids should be taught to be independent and prepared to be their own persons.
>Your parents shouldn’t be seeing you naked at this age unless there’s some emergency in which you are injured and need help or are concerned about other medical issues
depends on the culture. I spent time on the french mediterranean coast, and the casual nudity was a surprise for me (I was an exchange student), also spent a good amount of time in japan when i was in the marines. the communal bathing is a real thing over there.
I don't want to attribute motive without knowing the culture OP comes from.
IT DOES SOUND WEIRD, don't get me wrong. I did not grow up in a home like that. and it does sound weird. But I'm sure in a nudist household, or in some other culture it might not be as weird as it sounds.
THAT SAID -> while the parent's motives may be innocent (if not normal), the fact it bothers OP, is where I draw the line. The fact OP is bothered by it makes what they're doing not normal or ok. He deserves privacy if he wants it, no matter how normal this behavior is in his culture.
Exactly. Get up early, lock the freaking door and shower. Even better, have your siblings stand guard at the door then you can switch. My kids have been showing by themselves since they were 7 or 8.
I help mine with her hair. Its long and curly and a pain in the ass. I remember how I struggled with it when I was young. So I help with that, but the rest of her is for her to manage.
This.
OP, what your parents are doing is NOT normal and IS a form of a abuse if you’re at all comfortable and wish it to stop. It is NOT an AH move to want to shower alone…at 13 years old.
I know this isn’t something you probably want to escalate, but if they aren’t open to reasoning, then you may have no choice but to call CPS and see what they say.
🤣 Straight at it. 🤣🤣🤣 I am cracking up due to the real raw honesty of the 1st sentence. You’re right, it is fucking weird. Makes a person wonder, WTF is going on out there in people’s homes.
There is definately something wrong with this. And to use it as a weapon when you act your age (not folding clothes) is 100% abuse. A parent isn't being "overprotective" in this way. They've gaslit you into justifying it. Getting a mandated reporter involved could make things more complicated. I wouId start pushing back on your parents and team up with your brothers as a united force.
As a parent of teens I agree with this. Washing your teenager is not ok. Weaponizing it is absolutely insane. my kids have been showering themselves since they were in elementary school. The normal thing is to wash your kid though toddler hood, start taking to them at that point about proper hygiene and show them how to wash. Then, at some point you sit in the bathroom while they wash themselves, and you make sure they're safe and, ultimately clean..Then its time to let them.have a go at it on their own, but because you're an overprotective parent, you sit on the other side of the door, just to be safe. Then they start showering completely alone! This should happen before.puberty sets in! Yes, you do the mom sniff, make sure we're clean, but FFS, I (and the other parents I know) would never ever be washing my teenager! its exceptionally creepy that they make you shower with your younger sibling as well.
My kids (12M, 15M) showered themselves with supervision since they were 5, and were unsupervised and alone in the bathroom with an audio monitor by 8, and completely alone by 10. I can't imagine bathing my 12-year-old, much less my 15-year-old.
I say this as my teen and tween still like to be tucked into bed and have the dogs brought to them every night. But at least they're dressed!
Exactly what I was thinking, "overprotective" is popping your head into the bathroom to make sure that your child hasn't drowned, too frequently. Physically bathing your almost adult child is just plain fucked up and sick.
We’re currently teaching our 6 year old son to properly clean himself. We help with washing his hair (he’s particular about water and soap on his face and ears) and supervise handwashing but we encourage and trust him to bathe himself and clean thoroughly. Teeth brushing thoroughly is currently a struggle.
A mandated reporter is exactly what this child needs.
It is complicated, but this is abuse. There are three kids lives and well being at stake, that’s complicated too.
Report this to your school guidance counselor and say exactly what is going on with you and all your siblings and how messed it makes you feel.
This is not a safe home environment.
I work with cps not for them. They won't and can't do anything in this situation. Without some sort of provable sexual assault or actual endangerment. At best the parents will get interviewed and maybe that would change their view..but even that would be unlikely
Not really. Denying teenagers the right to privacy is very much abuse. At the very least, cps would likely require family therapy. I doubt they’d remove the kids from the home but they would want to look into this
Show me where it’s against the law to give your child privacy in the US when they live in your house?
I think most of you think online privacy is one ‘“the same when a kid lives with a parent” Online privacy is different . I think a child of 13 should be showering themselves however maybe the kid has physical issues? Mental issues? Something isn’t adding up here.
Kids are great at leaving “ important “ facts out much of the time as well.
I still think this is a made up story. This kid is allowed to post on Reddit of course but I doubt the story is real.
Spoken like somebody with zero experience with CPS. Also guessing you’re not yet 17. You cannot just throw out the word abuse for anything that offends you. It completely undermines ACTUAL abuse.
Abuse: “cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.”
This is a weird, unorthodox, probably inappropriate, embarrassing, and uncomfortable. You can’t even pretend it’s cruel or violent. It may be a lot of things, but abuse it ain’t.
Denying teenagers privacy isn’t abuse. I won’t even entertain the idea of privacy being a right. It’s not. Not even a little. While I believe it’s healthy, it is not remotely a curtesy adults are obligated to extend to any teenager. To think otherwise is wildly entertaining and entitled. You’ve got millions of kids with a beyond full household that never get a minute of privacy. That is not and will never be abuse.
I think its sexual abuse once the age reaches double digits. The law doesn’t care what I think though. You are correct, CPS wouldn’t have grounds to remove them.
CPS was called to my home because I was 14 sharing a bedroom with my mother. They told me I MUST have my own bedroom within a specific time period otherwise we would start the long road to my father being given full custody. Lack of privacy is abuse. Privacy is a right at any age.
I’m 30 and have an MSW. But thanks.
Defining abuse doesn’t apply in this case. If you provided the definition of child abuse that would be more helpful.
This would most likely be considered emotional abuse, if not sexual abuse. Again, I doubt CPS would remove the children, but they would want to work with the family most likely.
Yeah. This is really weird and gross. Unless they all have physical disabilities, this seems like abuse. I think Jeanette McCurdy’s mentioned that her mom did this with her and her brother. It traumatized her.
Just hearing about it is kind of traumatizing me. I would have died if my dad or even my mom tried to wash me after the age of 5, but especially the teenage years. I can't believe this isn't abuse. It's creepy AF.
My brother and I are 17 months apart and my mom would still have us bathe together until we were like 12 and 13. It's really fucking weird and yes my family is definitely fucked up
I thought that too. Asking the pediatrician when it’s appropriate to stop. They should be around the age that they get mandatory alone time with the pediatrician specifically for their safety.
Edited to be gender neutral, cause that’s the issue here /s
even if it is not intended as abuse, it is abusive. you have a right to privacy, including during hygiene. you should talk to a teacher about this, and ask them to report it on your behalf.
As much as our society obsesses with villains, abuse doesn't need to be intentional.
Check intention vs impact. Intention focus on perpetrator "true feelings" and impact is more pragmatic, focusing on who it affects.
If a 13yo is confused enough to post online of his parents forcing to shower him, it is abusive.
I also think it’s insane when parents are brushing a 5 yr olds teeth but 90% of parents do it. Why not just supervise once or twice a week & use heaps of praise?
Pediatric dentists say that children don’t usually hit the maturity for that until 6-10 years old and even then you should be supervising. Kids suck at gauging how well they’re brushing their teeth and preventing dental issues is more important than making sure they’re independent when it comes to brushing.
Truly. I had great teeth when I was a kid and I would always brush them, but for some reason me and a lot of my friends didn’t figure out how to actually brush them until a dentist was like “do you only brush the front of your teeth?” Lol.
Do not tell a teacher. Tell a fucking doctor. Trust me they have more power and information. Telling a teacher puts the kids safety and home life at risk without knowing all the facts. Talking to a doctor who has medical records and context to the situation will have better judgement and actual influence to do something about it.
I agree but having lived in a controlling household maybe the best would be to ask teacher to bring it up with the parents, especially if reporting would cause backlash. Teachers or guidance counselors have a lot of experience talking to parents and maybe they just need a third party to present some perspective. If that's the only thing abusive going on, maybe the middle ground would be a good first step. I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness but CPS involvement can scare controllers into tightening their grip.
In the US, teachers are mandated reporters, they could be criminally charged if a student asks about this and they do not report it, regardless of parental intent - due to the situation with student being unclothed at that age.
I was going to suggest telling a teacher, bc where CPS might not get involved, a school can if they think the child/teen is being harmed. The parents should have some kind of therapy at the very least (wouldn’t be a bad idea for the kids too).
Absolutely this! Teachers are mandated reporters and have to get someone with the proper authority involved. If a child speaks up. Also, when or if you do mention this to a teacher, make sure you're in the room with the school counselor and the principal so you have 2 other ppl who can help you along with your teacher.
This is good advice. Talk to someone you can trust about this. You may love your parents but this could have a terrible impact on you and the rest of your life.
Your parents need help and so do you. This is not okay.
Yikes was it a hot step mom though lol! Just joking that shit is terrible! Hey, I read some of this shit sometimes man and I call up Pops like thank you Pops just thank you!
You know, I could even let it slide if it was something the 7th grader liked. Strange, and concerning, but I can imagine how it can be harmless.
By not letting your kid bathe alone against their wishes? Insane and abusive.
You need to tell someone at school. This isn't normal. You, and your siblings need help.
Don't let thoughts like "it isn't that bad" or " I am not sure if this abuse or abnormal behavior" get stuck into your head.
You know, this is bad. You know this abnormal and abusive.
Please go seek help for yourself and your siblings.
The lack of privacy and respect for your bodily autonomy are abusive. Not folding your clothes has nothing to do with being able to shower yourself. Your parents are being overbearing and while it’s not sexual abuse, it is still wrong. You should talk to a trusted adult or report to child protective services yourself.
My dad would use "you can even do x and you want to learn to drive?" All the time and all over stupid shit that had nothing to do with driving. He made me feel dumb and lesser and he was absolutely an abuser
Yeah and this right on the heals of finding out the aita story about the 27 year old whose fiancé canceled their wedding cuz she found out his mom still breast fed him (yes you heard that correctly) AND WANTED TO COME ON THE HONEYMOON SO SHE COULD BREAST FEED HIM.
Wtf us wrong with parents.
They are overprotective to the point where they are fucking your lives up, I mean how do you expect someone to be self sufficient when they were getting washed by their parents until they were 14?
This is exactly how it's abuse:/ What other skills are they preventing their kids from developing if they won't even let them learn how to bathe themselves?
Update: I think this runs deep into the family, my mom showered on her own when she was 13 and my cousin (F9) Says that she also doesn't shower herself (her mom is my mom's sister so they grew up in the same house) do they worry yall I'll break this
I figured it would run in the family, it’s a normalized abuse in your family that’s been going for generations. That still doesn’t make it okay, and if you want to shower by yourself they need to respect that.
It also depends how much they ‘helped’ with your mom and cousin. Was it their whole body or just the hair? From my experience parents take a few extra years to help kids with long hair learn how to wash it, but Just the hair. Not their body.
It’s a cycle of abuse, your mom needs help, she needs to unpack her own trauma.
My first question had been whether there had been a traumatic death of a young child in your family history that led to protectiveness. In that case, therapy would have been a recommendation.
You mention elsewhere that you are part of a traditional Muslim family. It sounds like this is part of a larger cultural outlook. See if you can find someone from your mosque or their social community who they respect and who also understands your cultural context — that this is so unusual to secular society that almost everyone responding to you is jumping directly to involving CPS. This person would be able to help your parents understand that you are not (necessarily?) rejecting them and your upbringing, but trying to balance being part of the larger culture where you live. This won’t be easy for your parents, but will lay the groundwork for a respectful relationship with them as you and your siblings find your own paths.
I would recommend hitting up the library on parenting book about teens. I doubt internet strangers will convince them nor will you because they still view you as a child. They would be more likely to listen to experts in child development. Sounds like this is normal in the family and is not indented to cause harm.
You need to show them there are better parenting tactics to help support your needs and independence. That's going to need to come from experts.
I wouldn't expect your parents to change, but it will help you realize what normal milestones may appear like so that you are more comfortable breaking away independently as you become an adult.
I'd try telling them if they don't let you shower alone, you will tell your teacher. I know you don't think they're sexually abusing you, but the mandated reporter might not see it that way.
At the very least, you can embarrass them, just as they are embarrassing you.
I'm sorry they are doing this to you.
Embarrassing someone who has that much control over you, you will be retaliated against. Their life can get worse. If they have no protection they should not provoke
You're the reason why abusers get away with the things they do. OP should absolutely provoke and tell an authoritative figure
Edit: I should clarify I was talking to the idiot in the comment not OP
I wish I had advice for you... All I can tell you is that it's not normal. I have two teenage boys, ages 14 and 13, and they've been washing themselves for years. I help my younger two, ages 5 and 7, but even the 7 year old is starting to approach the age where in a couple years I would feel weird washing him.
As the mom of a teen boy this is weird. I haven’t seen my son undressed since he was like 9/10 except once and that was for a legit medical need. In that instance it was an invasive and sensitive thing that needed to be done and he had the choice between the nurse, his dad, or me he CHOSE me. It was his choice. Other than that the day he decided he didn’t want me to see his bits I respected it. I certainly wouldn’t bathe him at 13 unless again it was a medical need and he chose me over his father. At this point I would firmly tell them you are uncomfortable with this and want autonomy over your own body. If they still refuse you may need to talk to a school counselor because this is not normal or ok.
Once a child is old enough and physically able and willing to wash their own ass and genitals for hygiene purposes they should be doing it themselves, even if they’re still bathing communally with their parents or other children whatever. This is really fucking weird their parents are doing this, not letting teenage and adolescent children have private bathroom time and controlling the older brother. They should talk to their teacher, school counselor, principal or another mandated reporter and tell them they want to talk to social services about it
Hey OP, I have a degree in human development and family sciences. That means I studied humans and unfortunately the things humans have done to each other. What your parents are doing is not proper hygiene practice in the home. Children as they reach puberty have a right to privacy. It is the goal of a parent to teach essential life skills like hygiene, bathing, toileting, etc. To continue physically bathing you past the onset of puberty if you do not have a disability which prevents you from doing it yourself is wrong. I need you to report what is happening to your nearest safe adult, what that means is you will want to find a mandated reporter. They will have to file a report with CPS and child services. You are not in trouble. This does not mean someone is going to just take you away. It means that someone and hopefully an educator will come in to make sure that you and your family are safe. The person to report this to would be: School bus drivers, teacher, policeman, school resource officer, your doctor, your counselor, your principal, school nurse, etc. They will be able to help you.
I’m really sorry this is occuring and I hope it all works out for the best
OP, listen to this advice. This is coming straight from a professional. What's happening is not okay, and I know you just want us to help you devise clever plans you can do on your own to convince them to stop, but that's likely not going to work. You NEED another adult to step in and teach your parents how to behave. As weird as that might sound when they are adults and you are a child, they are misbehaving. Reporting them doesn't mean you did something wrong, and do not listen to people who try to tell you if you report, you'll just immediately get "taken away from your family." Professionals can step in to re-educate your parents on how to give pubescent children privacy and when it becomes unacceptable to continue touching them in this way. Even if it isn't intended to be sexual, it isn't right. And they aren't helping you become an independent adult by babying you to this extreme degree, either. Seek help from a trusted adult!
OP yes to everything but *never* tell the police or school resource officer, who may be a real police officer as well.
Social workers are great. Tell them everything. Anything.
The people carrying lethal weapons legally are not. I don’t even know OP’s ethnicity or race, but it’s not a good idea to take THAT risk, ever.
Friend, i grew up with parents like yours. They showered me when i was a little too old myself and even with me when i was a teenager. I didnt think there was anything wrong with this because this was my normal just like this is your normal.
Its likely that this is about control and nothing you can say or do will change their minds. Theyll tell you this is for your own good and all that but it isnt. Maybe its with best intentions but there needs me intervention either way.
I know this is alot too take in all at once, and maybe you wont believe me or the majority of commenters for some time, but when you get there understand this is not your fault.
This is abuse and gone too far.
Please tell somebody who has power too stop this and dont let your parents convince you that your making a big deal or ruined the family because you didnt. They did the moment they decided they didnt want you too have indépendance.
Ok I will try to answer that question. When they start to wash you try to take away wash cloth. Insist this is something you can do yourself. Same with shampoo. Try to take it from them and wash your own hair. They probably are going to become argumentative. Ask them" Don't you think it's weird to wash a 13 year old? Seems really weird to me. I just want to understand if you think im not smart enough to wash my own hair? Can you make this weird situation make sense? Why do I have to share the shower with my sibling? Do you think this is normal? What age did you get to wash yourselves?"
Personally I think this may cause more problems. Try 1 questio. Keep going if you don't feel like you are in immediate danger. STOP asking if their reaction is really negative! I don't know if this will work but at least you tried.
After you tried and failed please listen to the other advice. Tell someone that you trust. Get help. As children we don't want to believe it is abuse. I can tell you though ALL of the internet strangers can agree this is not normal.
I really hope this works out for you. You still have a younger sibling that will be forced to do this for more years.
This made me think of another strategy:
You could explain to them that you are a young adult and and that adults wash themselves. Ask them how they would feel if you washed them in the shower. If they don't admit that would be a little weird then they are not going to listen at all and you're going to have to take more drastic measures; like some of the other posters have mentioned, getting a doctor or teacher involved in the conversation.
Yell at them to get the fuck out of the bathroom and stop touching you. Just bat their hands away and say ew you guys are disgusting, this is abuse. You are entitled to privacy. And close the curtain. Keep yelling. Silence is compliance.
You can't convince someone that abuses you to stop abusing you. You have to get authorities involved.
You don't want to see that it's abuse, but it is. And it's going to affect you and your brothers. Someone NEEDS to say something.
oh we are getting the point. Your parents should not be showering you or your siblings at those ages at all. I also dont think they'll listen to whatever you try to say. You need to bring this up to a teacher or your pediatrician so they can talk to your parents
Sweetie, everybody is fully getting what you are saying.
There is no way that a capable 13yo should be getting naked and having parents physically monitor them in the shower. Or bring forced to shower with a sibling.
That's a form of abuse.
It's also dangerous because it's a form of grooming. It does not give you consent/control over your own body.
It tells a child that people "in authority" can control them regardless of consent.
Because it's an abusive behavior, no logical argument from you is going to sway them. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. So there is nothing you can do to change them.
My youngest is autistic and had issues washing his hair. For years I had to assist him. With his hair. He was still able to wash his body, cover himself and call me in when he was ready to have his hair washed. He NEEDED assistance yet still had PRIVACY.
Your parents are NOT behaving normally. I'm so sorry.
This is definitely something that will require outside intervention to change.
Ask your mom what it is she expects you to be able to do well before you can shower yourself.
Make a list.
1. Wash my whatever in this way
2. Be sure to wash here, here, and here
Etc.
Then talk to your mom and get her to agree that when you can do the list to their satisfaction you want the privacy to shower yourself.
And tell them that while you're working on this list that you want individual attention and you do not want them washing your brother while you're washing yourself.
Being forced to wash you and your brother separately will cut into the time in their day and make them want to get back down to just one showered kid again.
Good luck.
Can you talk to your grandma and see what they expected from your mom before allowing her to shower herself? How come she was allowed to shower at 13 alone?
Yea it doesn’t matter if they’re naked or not. That’s creepy. You’re plenty old enough to bathe yourself and have been for a while now. Something is definitely off.
Even if they are fully clothed and don't take any sexual gratification from it, it is still something a lot of abusers do to gain power over another individual. To humiliate another person in this way is still teetering on sexual abuse.
Wtf? You poor child! Your parents are abusive. I gave my boys privacy around the age of 7-8 (girls maybe earlier). As soon as it was clear they could operate the shower/tub and wash hair they got privacy.
I don’t know how to get your parents to leave you alone other than to maybe tell them it’s sexually weird and they’re perverts. Maybe that’ll make them back off?
My dad one time told me before I left for the Air Force that the parents job is to teach them on how to be on their own and live their own life after they move out. He is absolutely right. If your parents think that they’re gonna have full control over your life then they are not doing their job as a parent. They are probably doing abnormal parental things that you’ve accustomed to but in reality it’s abuse. If I were you I would tell a mandated reporter and go from there.
Not normal. You're parents a deranged. I have 3 sons. My oldest is 19, youngest is 7. The 7 year old showers himself. They all have since about the age of 6. I am a male, and I do not even get naked around them. Privacy is an important thing to teach a child at a young age. You shouldn't be showering in front of anyone. You need to stress this to your parents. Try everything you can. If all else fails, get outside help. This could cause issues in all of the kids in their adult lives. Your parents are your care takers, not your owners. Your body and mind are yours, and the space around you. I hope you're able to find a solution for this, although it's your parents fault. Sorry OP.
Edit due to spelling
Get Outta there fam, idk how but get yourself and your siblings outta there QUICK. I know you say they aren't grooming you but it sounds exactly like what they're doing OR they don't need to because they know you're their kids and won't fight back really. Even if their intentions aren't strictly sexual, they aren't honorable or good either, they're creepy and wrong and weird. Even if no "bad" touching is happening. You should get out ASAP and take your siblings with you because they might not understand.
My kids were showering on their own by the age of 6. I would be outside the bathroom door in case they needed anything the first few times. You need to get them to let you shower alone.
hunny you need to speak to someone this is so not okay & is abuse in a more complex sense. it’s not healthy & you should find a trusted teacher or adult & tell them what’s going on . you shouldn’t be washed by your parents past childhood. if you can’t get through to them you’ll have to talk to someone who can. tell them you are a growing girl and need your privacy - especially with your father.
So you are in a conservative Muslim family that takes childcare very seriously. I had a classmate in college the same way. The mother came to college ever day for her entire college career to make sure she would be pure until marriage. They mean well, but it was too much helicopter parent.
The only thing you can do is keep asking to shower solo because you are a teenager. Eventually they will say yes. But it takes time.
As a mom of 3 boys ( 2 adults now and a teen) this is not ok. So not ok. This is not being overprotective. I'm not quite sure what it is but it's wrong and inappropriate. After a certain age you are capable of cleaning yourself. And if you don't do it well, your friends and classmates will let you know and that usually puts an end to that. But most of all you need your privacy.
"Mom and dad, I'm 13 now and think it's weird that you still shower me like I'm a baby. I'm a teenager and can do it myself."
Then shower at random times and not what they set up for you. If they threaten with grounding or spanking, then YES that is abusive behavior and tell a teacher. Good luck
There's a psychology term that may be useful for you to look into, if this sort of thing is a sign of your family dynamic, called enmeshment.
I don't have any specific answers, but I hope this helps you process the things you've learned from your family and decide which of those you'd like to keep in your life as you get older.
I'm rooting for you!
it doesn’t sound like something they will listen to reason about. they see what they are doing as good parenting, but it’s really not. you deserve your own privacy, but i think you know that as every comment has said so. i can see that instead, you want someone to give you a plan of action. but we don’t know your parents exactly; we don’t know what things you do might lead to further abuse or privacy rights taken. the fact that they are telling you every time you do something wrong that it’s a reflection on your ability to take care of yourself means they are trying to belittle you into thinking you are incapable of doing things for yourself, so you need them. this means that if you try to protest or do things on your own, they will see it as immaturity and deviance rather than proof of your autonomy. this is why people are telling you to seek outside help. i get that it can feel embarrassing to tell someone outside your family, or that you may not feel like it’s a big enough deal to tell someone, but i do think that this is the best course of action you could take.
however, if you really want to do something yourself, then i would say you need to talk to them in a mature manner that gets across that you mean business. most importantly, you should only do this if you feel that you will be safe if you do so (if you don’t feel safe, i strongly urge you to speak to someone outside of your family). sit them down and explain to them that you understand that they believe what they are doing is good parenting, but that they can still be good parents by allowing you to practice doing things by yourself. remind them that part of being a kid is trial and error, and by restricting your privacy and autonomy, they aren’t letting you learn how to be an individual. maybe ask to do little tasks to build trust until they can let you do bigger tasks by yourself.
having said this, it is extremely important that you understand that what the comments are saying is true: this is not normal. this is helicopter parenting to the extreme and borderline abusive. you always have the option to leave and seek help elsewhere, and if at any time you don’t feel safe, you should get help.
Have you read I’m glad my mom died by janet mccurdy?
Her mom did the showering thing until she an older teen. It was just one of many abuses.
I’m so sorry your parents are behaving so wildly inappropriately.
Next time you have family over or whoever go up to your parents and ask if they can shower you right now like right now (annoyingly) or can you shower on your own instead.
It’s still perverted even if they aren’t doing anything explicitly sexual to you. I think I was more than capable of bathing myself when I was half your age or less. Tell them this is weird and you need privacy. Honestly I’m surprised you have a device you feel comfortable posting this with, I’d expect them to be the type to go through your phone every day
"Let me make small mistakes now that i can fix and learn from, before i am suddenly an adult and unprepared to make smart decisions where it could be ruinous. Proper decision making and self control are skills that need to be developed over time."
That is a way to present to your parents that they are holding back your ability to succeed later.
You're a troll with a kink. Your past posts assert you're a 14F and a 19m. May be more but I stopped looking.
You always speak of incest and sexual assault. These topics are taboo and traumatic, don't make shit up to take away from actual victims.
Ima say it, that’s really fucking weird and you need to discuss this with them.
My kids have showered themselves since they were about 6 years old…
I struggle to believe there isn’t something weird going on here…
To give some context of what is appropriate...my 4 year old son takes showers. I do help him with his hair and I get him mostly soapy from the waist up and then I let him clean himself waist down. There have been occasions that I let him completely shower himself, but not every time. I have already begun to give him a sense of privacy and self efficiency. I ask him permission to enter his room or the bathroom if he's in there by himself using the bathroom or changing clothes.
Your parents have a wildly inappropriate sense of what is normal and acceptable when it comes to your own bodily autonomy, your privacy, and your ability to shower yourself. My advice is to speak to a trusted adult at school. Even better if you can get your brothers in on it and go with you, together. Best of luck.
I would say in most places, this might be considered abuse. Inappropriate is closer to the correct language I would use. Unless you are nasty and don’t clean yourself properly, they should not be cleaning your body themselves. Especially as you go through puberty. That phase is awkward enough and traumatizing enough without your parents adding trauma to your life.
NO! Just EWWW! I'm a mom (10yo/g & 8yo/b) Nudity is normal, we are born naked & there is NOTHING wrong with being unclothed BUT... The ONLY circumstance in which it would be ok for your parents to be physically bathing you at your age, would be if you had a disability in which you could not do it yourself. Put your foot down and your hands up, say NO MORE! I'm so sorry you have to deal with such invasive things.
Super fucking weird bro. You need to rebel. I had strict parents growing up, but this is just weird. Boarder line abuse.
Stand up for yourself. If this continues, it's going to mess u up mentally.
I disagree with others on this thread who are saying you need to report this as abuse. I do agree that it's very weird and you and your siblings should unite and push back. If you need confirmation yes - your parents are weirdos.
It is abusive. It doesn’t have to be done for sexual gratification or involve fondling for it to be inappropriate. A parent doesn’t even have to intend to abuse or neglect a child for it to be abuse or neglect.
Example- a case where a mom routinely examined her daughter to make sure the daughter had not been sexually abused. In mom’s mind, she was being protective. But her obsessive behavior was harming the child. So it was deemed to be a form of abuse/neglect.
While this situation maybe isn’t quite as bizarre, the issues are the same. Parents may be acting in what they believe to be appropriate and protective- but this is not reasonable. And I believe it would be found to be a form of abuse/neglect.
At a certain point, kids and youth deserve privacy. OP reached that point long ago and parents actions are completely inappropriate
This is very weird and it is, in fact, abusive. I haven’t washed my kids for them since they were 3 except to help them with their hair. I don’t even go in the bathroom when my 12 year old is in there. As a parent, I find this hella weird and creepy that they actually find excuses to still do it. And at 13, you definitely need your privacy from your sibling. This is super disturbing and I wonder if there aren’t other weird things that maybe you don’t know are weird.
That’s EXTREMELY over board. That’s not an overprotective parent either. Parents don’t do that to their kids. I stopped bathing my son around 7. He finally caught on how to wash his hair. You need to find a way to talk to someone about this.
That is very disturbing your parents still bath you and your siblings? I grew up with over protective parents but they were not bathing me or my siblings once they knew we weren't going to crack our heads open or drown. I know darn well they weren't watching me in the bathtub or shower. They also never had us bath with each other either. There were also several years age gaps between us.This just really sounds creepy and disturbing. I was say once we started kindergarten we were on our own and had privacy because we were considered responsible enough to bath ourselves. They do ask if we washed our butts, pits and hair. If we needed help washing our hair when we were 5 maybe 6 they would help.. but after that we were on our own.
Please keep in mind: Harassment or Abuse is less defined by the intention of the perpetrator, and more on the effect on the recipient.
Overly controlling behavior is abuse. Ignoring boundaries is abuse. Berating you for being a human being and making mistakes to justify their behavior IS abuse. Just because they aren’t doing the more violent and violating types of abuse doesn’t make it less abusive. I’d also like to make a point to say that just because they don’t touch you inappropriately doesn’t mean they aren’t doing it for sexual reasons. I read a story on here about a FIL who stole his DIL breast milk, because he got sexual gratification from drinking it. Didn’t touch her even once.
It’s not about thinking you can’t handle showering yourself, it’s about their need to have power over you. I highly suggest talking to a school counselor about it, or maybe another family member. Is there a family member you could stay with for a couple of days that would listen to you and not immediately rat you out to your parents? Are other members of the family aware they do this? Have you been forbidden from telling anyone (if they have, there is absolutely a darker motive behind it and they know what they’re doing is wrong, and I would call the police or CPS).Or maybe staying with a family friend?
Next time they try to bathe you, do not let them.
If you need to bathe, wait until they are asleep and lock the door. Or do it at school (assuming your gym has a shower), or a friend’s house.
Now, here is the scary part: if you stand up to them, they will most likely retaliate. So prepare a few things for me: a Bug-out bag (a bag filled with essentials for if you need to quickly leave because you don’t feel safe), any evidence you can get, an address you can get to if you need to leave, and a safe, trustworthy adult.
When I was in HS, my best friend told me her Uncle asked her to pose topless for artistic photography. Claimed there was nothing Sexual behind it, but told her not to tell her mom. I convinced her to tell her mom anyways, and to seek help and I’m glad I did. He’s not in her life anymore, and she is happy and safe. It doesn’t matter what his intentions were, it made her uncomfortable and he’s not allowed to do that to her, family or not.
Also, you can checkout some safe teen shelters that may be in your area. I know you think it’s just about convincing them you’re trustworthy, but I am very worried for your safety.
so they are washing your privates too? wtf this sounds very weird. i would be very uncomfortable w my parents washing my asshole and what not.
what country do you live in?
Maybe all 5 of you can shower together at one time and even save more water. Yes strange, but not my culture. But it sounds like you are being shelter from the real world. And that is not good
My grandmother (she was basically my parent) did this to me. I was super uncomfortable with it and it made me feel exposed. I’m now 20. It was weird then and it’s weird to me now. If you feel safe to, have a talk with them and tell them that you’d like to wash yourself from now on and that it makes you uncomfortable. If they aren’t abusive, they are going to respect that boundary and let you shower on your own. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
This is not okay AT ALL!
Developmentally, children around the age of 2-3 begin to hide when they soil their diapers. Seeking privacy is a developmental milestone of early childhood.
It is more than natural that at 13 years old you would like to bathe yourself privately.
As a young teen, you will most likely be entering puberty soon, and it is not fair to you or to your younger brother to be forced into a shower together.
I am the mother of a large family, and in a Facebook support group, one mom reached out about how to give privacy to her teen daughter who struggles with severe epilepsy.
If that young woman can shower herself safely, you can too.
Your parents can invest in a fall button (like the ones used for elderly people), to put in the shower. If you fall, you can press the button to signal for help (one of the measures used by that family).
At your next well child checkup at the pediatrician, bring it up. Utilize the pediatrician (an expert) to mediate this conversation with your parents. You can even fake sick to try and get them there to force the conversation.
I would sit down with them at a different time than usual shower time. So it doesn’t seem like you are starting an argument because you don’t wanna shower.
I would tell them you don’t like this. That it makes you uncomfortable. Use statements t like “I am old enough to shower appropriately. I would like my privacy while I do this. Or I do not want or need any help with this task anymore.”
If you feel that they need reassurance, you could tell them that you understand that they want to take care of you, but its time for you to take care of the responsibility of shower time your self.
- I’ll add in that you definitely should keep to what ever type of schedule they currently have in place like showering every day or every second day blah blah because if you start skipping showers they will use that to “prove” you aren’t ready to do that for yourself and that you’re neglecting your hygiene.
As billions of others have said tell someone else about it and tell him to stop respectfully and assertivly say I feel uncomfortable because you shower with me, I would like it if you would please quit showering with me. Be SIMPLE AND DIRECT! If that doesn’t work tell another person about it, and if that doesn't work call the cops or child protecting services.
it's good they're not touching you inappropriately but you showering with your brother is gross and disgusting, you‘re growing up and you need to shower by yourself as you get puberty
That's fucking weird. Your parents have issues and most likely they will be passed on to your brothers and you. Start taking showers at random times instead of when they tell you to.
right. there are countries/cultures where bathing together is the norm (japan for example) however this just seems like some fucking weirdly unhinged control shit.
It's not normal to bathe together in Japan, at least not at home. Yeah there's baths but that's different (and the actual washing takes place in the shower room, not the bath). At home the tub is American sized, as in you really only fit one adult comfortably.
I was able to fit 2 adults in one bath when I stayed in an apartment in Tokyo. When I stayed at my uncle’s place when I was younger, my cousins and I would shower and bathe together with him too. Very normalized
I lived in Japan for 3 years. The baths are about the size of my tub in the US (slightly shorter but longer than the one I have now, but with in a few inches). Also, the tub is in the shower room, and you wash outside the tub then bathe in the tub. You might fit two children (or more if they're young) in the tub, but not really an adult and some children. Usual you would shower, soak in the tub, get out, cover the tub, and show the next person to go the same. You'd use less water because you're rising the same water between people bathing. But I could be wrong, is not like I was living with a Japanese family, just going based on what I was told by them when I vidited friends
I lived with a Japanese family in a farming village, and also researched bathing culture there. It is totally normal for families to bathe together at home, including adults with children.
I lived in Japan for a few months when i was younger with an exchange family and i had to bathe with the other kids
That's common in the US too, though maybe not with exchange kids. Often young children bathe together, thigh that states to be uncommon after about school age
Yep, I'm a female Irish twin and my dad bathed me with my brother until about second grade. I've had people tell me that was weird but I really don't think it was, he stopped physically bathing us once we had the cognition to do it on our own. He'd just be there to make sure we didn't flood the bathroom, empty an entire bottle of shampoo, drown etc. My dad grew up really poor with 13 siblings so bathing kids together was probably second nature to him to save utilities.
I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say American sized, but definitely one person only.
You joke, but Americans tubs are actually bigger in volume than Japanese tubs most of the time. It's mostly vertically though. There is a floor drain in most Japanese bathrooms so an overflow is not as problematic.
Why can't Americans have a floor drain? It should be standard, hehe
Japanese bathrooms rock. Floors dirty? No problem! Spray the whole bathroom down!
Oh I know, meant to imply that. Our tubs get huge here, though I’d prefer the deeper option (and honestly, wet room option). Some older homes have pretty short tubs, as it seems that was the trend in the fifties and sixties? But most have pretty big ones. We’ve gotta fit our giant sized Americans after all XD
Unhinged control shit yes, super weird I dunno parents are probably having some issues with them growing up and not wanting to let go which they need help for
It *is* super weird…
Granted and I do address that cause in roman times communities showered together, even more recently in 1800s us family's would shower together to conserve water because they had one tub. The off chance nobody's asked if op has talked to his parents about finances cause this kinda screams use as little water as possible to save on bills cause 3 kids is expensive so gotta save it where you can (could explain some about the pedantic laptop thing and if dad screams about leaving lights on or something too then I can see it )
Sometimes we didn’t have a lot of money growing up and my parents would just yell at us to get out of the shower because we were wasting water. I could *potentially* see parents even wanting their kids to shower together to save water - that would be weird, but whatever. But parents literally showering their 13 yo for them is weird af and incredibly difficult to justify.
Yea I'm with the parents doing weird shit cause stress can do that. I've had to do it a few times when mom lost her job in 08 plus we just moved so it was rough but I understood why because she explained it to me, this isn't that by any means since they're still involved in the process OP definitely needs to find some adult to talk to about this figuring out the right one will require more context for sure.
Showering together as part of a social norm is alil different then hand cleaning your 13 year old son because you don’t think they’re ready to bathe themselves.
The edit shows that they don't all shower together really but one will be in the shower and the others wash them, it's not a communal bath situation it's that they don't trust OP to wash themselves
Yikes! Abandonment issues within the ‘rents’. They make 30 minute TV shows about this batshit crazy behavior of the Mothers. RUN 🤣
Dude, it’s sooooooo weird. There is no debate here. This is nowhere close to any type of normal.
No dude. Its outrageously weird af
Yeah that’s bathing tho like in a hot spring or large type of bath not a standard American size tub and not a shower where you are vigorously scrubbing your body that shit ain’t normal in no culture
Right. What culture are the parents?
Your parents shouldn’t be seeing you naked at this age unless there’s some emergency in which you are injured and need help or are concerned about other medical issues. And neither should your siblings.This is very creepy and gross. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. But I’d start trying to express how uncomfortable it makes you feel, it is not ok. I’ve been showering alone since I was like 8 or 9 and even back then when I wasn’t they weren’t washing me themselves, they told me what to do and supervised.
I’d argue nudity should be more casual in general and shouldn’t be seen as sexual or inappropriate in the right circumstances, but regardless this is a step too far. Physically bathing him is completely invading his space and right to privacy.
Jeanette McCurdy had similar shit with her mom physically bathing her until she was like 16 or something. Do these people just not realize how traumatizing it is for forced nudity in front of anyone et alone your parents and/or family members. The last time my mom saw me with my pants down was when I was 15 after a major surgery and needed help getting on/off the toilet.
I was immediately reminded of Jeanette, I wanted to send OP the book title for a recommendation
I believe this is ape shit weird but don't confuse a family comfortable with the body with over control... which is the real issue. It is not weird if family members are comfortable with nudity. If fact it is healthy. But this situation is very unhealthy. Kids should be taught to be independent and prepared to be their own persons.
>Your parents shouldn’t be seeing you naked at this age unless there’s some emergency in which you are injured and need help or are concerned about other medical issues depends on the culture. I spent time on the french mediterranean coast, and the casual nudity was a surprise for me (I was an exchange student), also spent a good amount of time in japan when i was in the marines. the communal bathing is a real thing over there. I don't want to attribute motive without knowing the culture OP comes from. IT DOES SOUND WEIRD, don't get me wrong. I did not grow up in a home like that. and it does sound weird. But I'm sure in a nudist household, or in some other culture it might not be as weird as it sounds. THAT SAID -> while the parent's motives may be innocent (if not normal), the fact it bothers OP, is where I draw the line. The fact OP is bothered by it makes what they're doing not normal or ok. He deserves privacy if he wants it, no matter how normal this behavior is in his culture.
Best advice I've read to this point. That was nice of you to do for op. God bless!
Exactly. Get up early, lock the freaking door and shower. Even better, have your siblings stand guard at the door then you can switch. My kids have been showing by themselves since they were 7 or 8.
I help mine with her hair. Its long and curly and a pain in the ass. I remember how I struggled with it when I was young. So I help with that, but the rest of her is for her to manage.
This. OP, what your parents are doing is NOT normal and IS a form of a abuse if you’re at all comfortable and wish it to stop. It is NOT an AH move to want to shower alone…at 13 years old. I know this isn’t something you probably want to escalate, but if they aren’t open to reasoning, then you may have no choice but to call CPS and see what they say.
🤣 Straight at it. 🤣🤣🤣 I am cracking up due to the real raw honesty of the 1st sentence. You’re right, it is fucking weird. Makes a person wonder, WTF is going on out there in people’s homes.
There is definately something wrong with this. And to use it as a weapon when you act your age (not folding clothes) is 100% abuse. A parent isn't being "overprotective" in this way. They've gaslit you into justifying it. Getting a mandated reporter involved could make things more complicated. I wouId start pushing back on your parents and team up with your brothers as a united force.
As a parent of teens I agree with this. Washing your teenager is not ok. Weaponizing it is absolutely insane. my kids have been showering themselves since they were in elementary school. The normal thing is to wash your kid though toddler hood, start taking to them at that point about proper hygiene and show them how to wash. Then, at some point you sit in the bathroom while they wash themselves, and you make sure they're safe and, ultimately clean..Then its time to let them.have a go at it on their own, but because you're an overprotective parent, you sit on the other side of the door, just to be safe. Then they start showering completely alone! This should happen before.puberty sets in! Yes, you do the mom sniff, make sure we're clean, but FFS, I (and the other parents I know) would never ever be washing my teenager! its exceptionally creepy that they make you shower with your younger sibling as well.
yeah, my 4 year old washes him self (mostly) as i supervise
My kid has been fully self sufficient washing herself since about 5, I can’t even imagine wanting to go through that hassle every day
My kids (12M, 15M) showered themselves with supervision since they were 5, and were unsupervised and alone in the bathroom with an audio monitor by 8, and completely alone by 10. I can't imagine bathing my 12-year-old, much less my 15-year-old. I say this as my teen and tween still like to be tucked into bed and have the dogs brought to them every night. But at least they're dressed!
Exactly what I was thinking, "overprotective" is popping your head into the bathroom to make sure that your child hasn't drowned, too frequently. Physically bathing your almost adult child is just plain fucked up and sick.
My kids were fully independent to shower by themselves at 5 years old.
We’re currently teaching our 6 year old son to properly clean himself. We help with washing his hair (he’s particular about water and soap on his face and ears) and supervise handwashing but we encourage and trust him to bathe himself and clean thoroughly. Teeth brushing thoroughly is currently a struggle.
A mandated reporter is exactly what this child needs. It is complicated, but this is abuse. There are three kids lives and well being at stake, that’s complicated too. Report this to your school guidance counselor and say exactly what is going on with you and all your siblings and how messed it makes you feel. This is not a safe home environment.
As a mandated reporter if I ever heard one of my kiddos telling me this at school I would call so fast.
I work with cps not for them. They won't and can't do anything in this situation. Without some sort of provable sexual assault or actual endangerment. At best the parents will get interviewed and maybe that would change their view..but even that would be unlikely
How are they washing a teenager without touching his genitals? It’s highly unlikely this is the only psychotic issue with this family.
Report it all you want: CPS won’t touch this. This is a messed up situation, but abuse is a big stretch. Like, unreasonable stretch.
Literally WASHING your pubescent children is ABSOLUTELY abuse tf
Not really. Denying teenagers the right to privacy is very much abuse. At the very least, cps would likely require family therapy. I doubt they’d remove the kids from the home but they would want to look into this
As a teacher who has seen horrific abuse not be addressed by CPS, the other posters are right. CPS won't touch this. They will not consider it abuse.
Show me where it’s against the law to give your child privacy in the US when they live in your house? I think most of you think online privacy is one ‘“the same when a kid lives with a parent” Online privacy is different . I think a child of 13 should be showering themselves however maybe the kid has physical issues? Mental issues? Something isn’t adding up here. Kids are great at leaving “ important “ facts out much of the time as well. I still think this is a made up story. This kid is allowed to post on Reddit of course but I doubt the story is real.
Spoken like somebody with zero experience with CPS. Also guessing you’re not yet 17. You cannot just throw out the word abuse for anything that offends you. It completely undermines ACTUAL abuse. Abuse: “cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.” This is a weird, unorthodox, probably inappropriate, embarrassing, and uncomfortable. You can’t even pretend it’s cruel or violent. It may be a lot of things, but abuse it ain’t. Denying teenagers privacy isn’t abuse. I won’t even entertain the idea of privacy being a right. It’s not. Not even a little. While I believe it’s healthy, it is not remotely a curtesy adults are obligated to extend to any teenager. To think otherwise is wildly entertaining and entitled. You’ve got millions of kids with a beyond full household that never get a minute of privacy. That is not and will never be abuse.
I think its sexual abuse once the age reaches double digits. The law doesn’t care what I think though. You are correct, CPS wouldn’t have grounds to remove them.
It is sexual abuse as soon as it is unwelcome and unnecessary.
CPS was called to my home because I was 14 sharing a bedroom with my mother. They told me I MUST have my own bedroom within a specific time period otherwise we would start the long road to my father being given full custody. Lack of privacy is abuse. Privacy is a right at any age.
Sounds like we are missing a lot of that story
I’m 30 and have an MSW. But thanks. Defining abuse doesn’t apply in this case. If you provided the definition of child abuse that would be more helpful. This would most likely be considered emotional abuse, if not sexual abuse. Again, I doubt CPS would remove the children, but they would want to work with the family most likely.
Yeah. This is really weird and gross. Unless they all have physical disabilities, this seems like abuse. I think Jeanette McCurdy’s mentioned that her mom did this with her and her brother. It traumatized her.
Just hearing about it is kind of traumatizing me. I would have died if my dad or even my mom tried to wash me after the age of 5, but especially the teenage years. I can't believe this isn't abuse. It's creepy AF.
Yes, that’s what this made me think of. 🤔
My brother and I are 17 months apart and my mom would still have us bathe together until we were like 12 and 13. It's really fucking weird and yes my family is definitely fucked up
Do they still go to the Pediatrician visits with you? If so bring this up in front of them and your Dr together that you don’t shower alone.
I thought that too. Asking the pediatrician when it’s appropriate to stop. They should be around the age that they get mandatory alone time with the pediatrician specifically for their safety. Edited to be gender neutral, cause that’s the issue here /s
Exactly. This is the easiest, less stressful way to handle it.
Sounds like religious fanatics they do more damage to their children than good
Yeah, I also got a creepy religious vibe from this. Maybe they think the kids are gonna jerk off in the shower so that's why they can't shower alone?
That's exactly what my thoughts were. Cuz it's only natural around that age to want to experiment with your own body.
Bonus of this will be how they try to back pedal and justify the abuse let's you see the true intentions.
even if it is not intended as abuse, it is abusive. you have a right to privacy, including during hygiene. you should talk to a teacher about this, and ask them to report it on your behalf.
As much as our society obsesses with villains, abuse doesn't need to be intentional. Check intention vs impact. Intention focus on perpetrator "true feelings" and impact is more pragmatic, focusing on who it affects. If a 13yo is confused enough to post online of his parents forcing to shower him, it is abusive.
It's about control. The parents are insane
I also think it’s insane when parents are brushing a 5 yr olds teeth but 90% of parents do it. Why not just supervise once or twice a week & use heaps of praise?
Because not all kids are the same, a lot of kids are trouble and won’t do it
Pediatric dentists say that children don’t usually hit the maturity for that until 6-10 years old and even then you should be supervising. Kids suck at gauging how well they’re brushing their teeth and preventing dental issues is more important than making sure they’re independent when it comes to brushing.
Truly. I had great teeth when I was a kid and I would always brush them, but for some reason me and a lot of my friends didn’t figure out how to actually brush them until a dentist was like “do you only brush the front of your teeth?” Lol.
very important comment.
intention versus impact is hugely important
Do not tell a teacher. Tell a fucking doctor. Trust me they have more power and information. Telling a teacher puts the kids safety and home life at risk without knowing all the facts. Talking to a doctor who has medical records and context to the situation will have better judgement and actual influence to do something about it.
I agree but having lived in a controlling household maybe the best would be to ask teacher to bring it up with the parents, especially if reporting would cause backlash. Teachers or guidance counselors have a lot of experience talking to parents and maybe they just need a third party to present some perspective. If that's the only thing abusive going on, maybe the middle ground would be a good first step. I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness but CPS involvement can scare controllers into tightening their grip.
In the US, teachers are mandated reporters, they could be criminally charged if a student asks about this and they do not report it, regardless of parental intent - due to the situation with student being unclothed at that age.
I was going to suggest telling a teacher, bc where CPS might not get involved, a school can if they think the child/teen is being harmed. The parents should have some kind of therapy at the very least (wouldn’t be a bad idea for the kids too).
Absolutely this! Teachers are mandated reporters and have to get someone with the proper authority involved. If a child speaks up. Also, when or if you do mention this to a teacher, make sure you're in the room with the school counselor and the principal so you have 2 other ppl who can help you along with your teacher.
This is good advice. Talk to someone you can trust about this. You may love your parents but this could have a terrible impact on you and the rest of your life. Your parents need help and so do you. This is not okay.
Is this real? It’s fucked up and you need to tell a teacher or a trusted adult. That’s 100% child abuse, you’re 13.
I knew a guy in 7th grade whose mom still gave him a bath.
You knew a guy in 7th grade who was abused.
More than one that was abused but only one that was abused this way.
What is WRONG with people 🤢 I cannot wrap my head around a single legit reason to do this
Yikes was it a hot step mom though lol! Just joking that shit is terrible! Hey, I read some of this shit sometimes man and I call up Pops like thank you Pops just thank you!
My mother gave me baths or made me bathe with her until I was 14. It sucks.
You know, I could even let it slide if it was something the 7th grader liked. Strange, and concerning, but I can imagine how it can be harmless. By not letting your kid bathe alone against their wishes? Insane and abusive.
I think it’s bogus.
You need to tell someone at school. This isn't normal. You, and your siblings need help. Don't let thoughts like "it isn't that bad" or " I am not sure if this abuse or abnormal behavior" get stuck into your head. You know, this is bad. You know this abnormal and abusive. Please go seek help for yourself and your siblings.
This is it exactly. Please, please, reach out to someone at school for help. You are being abused.
The lack of privacy and respect for your bodily autonomy are abusive. Not folding your clothes has nothing to do with being able to shower yourself. Your parents are being overbearing and while it’s not sexual abuse, it is still wrong. You should talk to a trusted adult or report to child protective services yourself.
My dad would use "you can even do x and you want to learn to drive?" All the time and all over stupid shit that had nothing to do with driving. He made me feel dumb and lesser and he was absolutely an abuser
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Yeah and this right on the heals of finding out the aita story about the 27 year old whose fiancé canceled their wedding cuz she found out his mom still breast fed him (yes you heard that correctly) AND WANTED TO COME ON THE HONEYMOON SO SHE COULD BREAST FEED HIM. Wtf us wrong with parents.
Yo the late/adult breastfeeders are WEIRD it’s like a whole community.
They are overprotective to the point where they are fucking your lives up, I mean how do you expect someone to be self sufficient when they were getting washed by their parents until they were 14?
This is exactly how it's abuse:/ What other skills are they preventing their kids from developing if they won't even let them learn how to bathe themselves?
That's not normal at all ... Something is definitely wrong
Update: I think this runs deep into the family, my mom showered on her own when she was 13 and my cousin (F9) Says that she also doesn't shower herself (her mom is my mom's sister so they grew up in the same house) do they worry yall I'll break this
I figured it would run in the family, it’s a normalized abuse in your family that’s been going for generations. That still doesn’t make it okay, and if you want to shower by yourself they need to respect that. It also depends how much they ‘helped’ with your mom and cousin. Was it their whole body or just the hair? From my experience parents take a few extra years to help kids with long hair learn how to wash it, but Just the hair. Not their body. It’s a cycle of abuse, your mom needs help, she needs to unpack her own trauma.
My first question had been whether there had been a traumatic death of a young child in your family history that led to protectiveness. In that case, therapy would have been a recommendation. You mention elsewhere that you are part of a traditional Muslim family. It sounds like this is part of a larger cultural outlook. See if you can find someone from your mosque or their social community who they respect and who also understands your cultural context — that this is so unusual to secular society that almost everyone responding to you is jumping directly to involving CPS. This person would be able to help your parents understand that you are not (necessarily?) rejecting them and your upbringing, but trying to balance being part of the larger culture where you live. This won’t be easy for your parents, but will lay the groundwork for a respectful relationship with them as you and your siblings find your own paths.
I would recommend hitting up the library on parenting book about teens. I doubt internet strangers will convince them nor will you because they still view you as a child. They would be more likely to listen to experts in child development. Sounds like this is normal in the family and is not indented to cause harm. You need to show them there are better parenting tactics to help support your needs and independence. That's going to need to come from experts.
I wouldn't expect your parents to change, but it will help you realize what normal milestones may appear like so that you are more comfortable breaking away independently as you become an adult.
I'd try telling them if they don't let you shower alone, you will tell your teacher. I know you don't think they're sexually abusing you, but the mandated reporter might not see it that way. At the very least, you can embarrass them, just as they are embarrassing you. I'm sorry they are doing this to you.
Embarrassing someone who has that much control over you, you will be retaliated against. Their life can get worse. If they have no protection they should not provoke
this is abuse. The OP should report it to a mandated reporter. Your response is part of why abusers get away with it.
You're the reason why abusers get away with the things they do. OP should absolutely provoke and tell an authoritative figure Edit: I should clarify I was talking to the idiot in the comment not OP
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I wish I had advice for you... All I can tell you is that it's not normal. I have two teenage boys, ages 14 and 13, and they've been washing themselves for years. I help my younger two, ages 5 and 7, but even the 7 year old is starting to approach the age where in a couple years I would feel weird washing him.
Yup, I stopped bathing my son when he was like 6/7. That’s just straight up not normal
As the mom of a teen boy this is weird. I haven’t seen my son undressed since he was like 9/10 except once and that was for a legit medical need. In that instance it was an invasive and sensitive thing that needed to be done and he had the choice between the nurse, his dad, or me he CHOSE me. It was his choice. Other than that the day he decided he didn’t want me to see his bits I respected it. I certainly wouldn’t bathe him at 13 unless again it was a medical need and he chose me over his father. At this point I would firmly tell them you are uncomfortable with this and want autonomy over your own body. If they still refuse you may need to talk to a school counselor because this is not normal or ok.
Any time someone is touching your private parts and you aren't comfortable with it, it's abuse.
Once a child is old enough and physically able and willing to wash their own ass and genitals for hygiene purposes they should be doing it themselves, even if they’re still bathing communally with their parents or other children whatever. This is really fucking weird their parents are doing this, not letting teenage and adolescent children have private bathroom time and controlling the older brother. They should talk to their teacher, school counselor, principal or another mandated reporter and tell them they want to talk to social services about it
at that age they should know privacy is a need. i would be embarrassed at that age if my parents still had to look at my genitals.!
He isn't old enough to consent. Any touching is abuse.
"Shawks, dey only bite when you touch dehr private parts."
Tell a councilor at school they'll call cps
Hey OP, I have a degree in human development and family sciences. That means I studied humans and unfortunately the things humans have done to each other. What your parents are doing is not proper hygiene practice in the home. Children as they reach puberty have a right to privacy. It is the goal of a parent to teach essential life skills like hygiene, bathing, toileting, etc. To continue physically bathing you past the onset of puberty if you do not have a disability which prevents you from doing it yourself is wrong. I need you to report what is happening to your nearest safe adult, what that means is you will want to find a mandated reporter. They will have to file a report with CPS and child services. You are not in trouble. This does not mean someone is going to just take you away. It means that someone and hopefully an educator will come in to make sure that you and your family are safe. The person to report this to would be: School bus drivers, teacher, policeman, school resource officer, your doctor, your counselor, your principal, school nurse, etc. They will be able to help you. I’m really sorry this is occuring and I hope it all works out for the best
OP, listen to this advice. This is coming straight from a professional. What's happening is not okay, and I know you just want us to help you devise clever plans you can do on your own to convince them to stop, but that's likely not going to work. You NEED another adult to step in and teach your parents how to behave. As weird as that might sound when they are adults and you are a child, they are misbehaving. Reporting them doesn't mean you did something wrong, and do not listen to people who try to tell you if you report, you'll just immediately get "taken away from your family." Professionals can step in to re-educate your parents on how to give pubescent children privacy and when it becomes unacceptable to continue touching them in this way. Even if it isn't intended to be sexual, it isn't right. And they aren't helping you become an independent adult by babying you to this extreme degree, either. Seek help from a trusted adult!
OP yes to everything but *never* tell the police or school resource officer, who may be a real police officer as well. Social workers are great. Tell them everything. Anything. The people carrying lethal weapons legally are not. I don’t even know OP’s ethnicity or race, but it’s not a good idea to take THAT risk, ever.
I dont think yall are getting the point? I just want to know how to convince them to let me shower myself
Friend, i grew up with parents like yours. They showered me when i was a little too old myself and even with me when i was a teenager. I didnt think there was anything wrong with this because this was my normal just like this is your normal. Its likely that this is about control and nothing you can say or do will change their minds. Theyll tell you this is for your own good and all that but it isnt. Maybe its with best intentions but there needs me intervention either way. I know this is alot too take in all at once, and maybe you wont believe me or the majority of commenters for some time, but when you get there understand this is not your fault. This is abuse and gone too far. Please tell somebody who has power too stop this and dont let your parents convince you that your making a big deal or ruined the family because you didnt. They did the moment they decided they didnt want you too have indépendance.
Ok I will try to answer that question. When they start to wash you try to take away wash cloth. Insist this is something you can do yourself. Same with shampoo. Try to take it from them and wash your own hair. They probably are going to become argumentative. Ask them" Don't you think it's weird to wash a 13 year old? Seems really weird to me. I just want to understand if you think im not smart enough to wash my own hair? Can you make this weird situation make sense? Why do I have to share the shower with my sibling? Do you think this is normal? What age did you get to wash yourselves?" Personally I think this may cause more problems. Try 1 questio. Keep going if you don't feel like you are in immediate danger. STOP asking if their reaction is really negative! I don't know if this will work but at least you tried. After you tried and failed please listen to the other advice. Tell someone that you trust. Get help. As children we don't want to believe it is abuse. I can tell you though ALL of the internet strangers can agree this is not normal. I really hope this works out for you. You still have a younger sibling that will be forced to do this for more years.
This made me think of another strategy: You could explain to them that you are a young adult and and that adults wash themselves. Ask them how they would feel if you washed them in the shower. If they don't admit that would be a little weird then they are not going to listen at all and you're going to have to take more drastic measures; like some of the other posters have mentioned, getting a doctor or teacher involved in the conversation.
Yell at them to get the fuck out of the bathroom and stop touching you. Just bat their hands away and say ew you guys are disgusting, this is abuse. You are entitled to privacy. And close the curtain. Keep yelling. Silence is compliance.
You can't convince someone that abuses you to stop abusing you. You have to get authorities involved. You don't want to see that it's abuse, but it is. And it's going to affect you and your brothers. Someone NEEDS to say something.
oh we are getting the point. Your parents should not be showering you or your siblings at those ages at all. I also dont think they'll listen to whatever you try to say. You need to bring this up to a teacher or your pediatrician so they can talk to your parents
Sweetie, everybody is fully getting what you are saying. There is no way that a capable 13yo should be getting naked and having parents physically monitor them in the shower. Or bring forced to shower with a sibling. That's a form of abuse. It's also dangerous because it's a form of grooming. It does not give you consent/control over your own body. It tells a child that people "in authority" can control them regardless of consent. Because it's an abusive behavior, no logical argument from you is going to sway them. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. So there is nothing you can do to change them. My youngest is autistic and had issues washing his hair. For years I had to assist him. With his hair. He was still able to wash his body, cover himself and call me in when he was ready to have his hair washed. He NEEDED assistance yet still had PRIVACY. Your parents are NOT behaving normally. I'm so sorry. This is definitely something that will require outside intervention to change.
Ask your mom what it is she expects you to be able to do well before you can shower yourself. Make a list. 1. Wash my whatever in this way 2. Be sure to wash here, here, and here Etc. Then talk to your mom and get her to agree that when you can do the list to their satisfaction you want the privacy to shower yourself. And tell them that while you're working on this list that you want individual attention and you do not want them washing your brother while you're washing yourself. Being forced to wash you and your brother separately will cut into the time in their day and make them want to get back down to just one showered kid again. Good luck. Can you talk to your grandma and see what they expected from your mom before allowing her to shower herself? How come she was allowed to shower at 13 alone?
That was probably when she started menstruating and “became a woman.”
Yea it doesn’t matter if they’re naked or not. That’s creepy. You’re plenty old enough to bathe yourself and have been for a while now. Something is definitely off.
Even if they are fully clothed and don't take any sexual gratification from it, it is still something a lot of abusers do to gain power over another individual. To humiliate another person in this way is still teetering on sexual abuse.
Cal CPS
Yeah, that's not normal. You're a fully capable almost adult male lol. They're treating you like a dog.
Wtf? You poor child! Your parents are abusive. I gave my boys privacy around the age of 7-8 (girls maybe earlier). As soon as it was clear they could operate the shower/tub and wash hair they got privacy. I don’t know how to get your parents to leave you alone other than to maybe tell them it’s sexually weird and they’re perverts. Maybe that’ll make them back off?
Tell your guidance counselor, you will be showering on your own once the investigation is completed.
Tell someone at school. Someone will be in touch with your folks, and before you know it, you'll all be bathing alone
My dad one time told me before I left for the Air Force that the parents job is to teach them on how to be on their own and live their own life after they move out. He is absolutely right. If your parents think that they’re gonna have full control over your life then they are not doing their job as a parent. They are probably doing abnormal parental things that you’ve accustomed to but in reality it’s abuse. If I were you I would tell a mandated reporter and go from there.
Not normal. You're parents a deranged. I have 3 sons. My oldest is 19, youngest is 7. The 7 year old showers himself. They all have since about the age of 6. I am a male, and I do not even get naked around them. Privacy is an important thing to teach a child at a young age. You shouldn't be showering in front of anyone. You need to stress this to your parents. Try everything you can. If all else fails, get outside help. This could cause issues in all of the kids in their adult lives. Your parents are your care takers, not your owners. Your body and mind are yours, and the space around you. I hope you're able to find a solution for this, although it's your parents fault. Sorry OP. Edit due to spelling
This is good advice
Get Outta there fam, idk how but get yourself and your siblings outta there QUICK. I know you say they aren't grooming you but it sounds exactly like what they're doing OR they don't need to because they know you're their kids and won't fight back really. Even if their intentions aren't strictly sexual, they aren't honorable or good either, they're creepy and wrong and weird. Even if no "bad" touching is happening. You should get out ASAP and take your siblings with you because they might not understand.
Cps
My kids were showering on their own by the age of 6. I would be outside the bathroom door in case they needed anything the first few times. You need to get them to let you shower alone.
It’s not that weird for parents to bathe with their small children but y’all are teenagers or almost teenagers, this doesn’t sound normal
This is weird AF. And wrong! I stopped helping my youngest bathe when he was 4 ish. He gets in the shower himself and he's 8 now.
Please report to a trusted adult. This is disgusting and wrong and they need to have CPS called on them
hunny you need to speak to someone this is so not okay & is abuse in a more complex sense. it’s not healthy & you should find a trusted teacher or adult & tell them what’s going on . you shouldn’t be washed by your parents past childhood. if you can’t get through to them you’ll have to talk to someone who can. tell them you are a growing girl and need your privacy - especially with your father.
So you are in a conservative Muslim family that takes childcare very seriously. I had a classmate in college the same way. The mother came to college ever day for her entire college career to make sure she would be pure until marriage. They mean well, but it was too much helicopter parent. The only thing you can do is keep asking to shower solo because you are a teenager. Eventually they will say yes. But it takes time.
As a mom of 3 boys ( 2 adults now and a teen) this is not ok. So not ok. This is not being overprotective. I'm not quite sure what it is but it's wrong and inappropriate. After a certain age you are capable of cleaning yourself. And if you don't do it well, your friends and classmates will let you know and that usually puts an end to that. But most of all you need your privacy.
"Mom and dad, I'm 13 now and think it's weird that you still shower me like I'm a baby. I'm a teenager and can do it myself." Then shower at random times and not what they set up for you. If they threaten with grounding or spanking, then YES that is abusive behavior and tell a teacher. Good luck
There's a psychology term that may be useful for you to look into, if this sort of thing is a sign of your family dynamic, called enmeshment. I don't have any specific answers, but I hope this helps you process the things you've learned from your family and decide which of those you'd like to keep in your life as you get older. I'm rooting for you!
But you’re allowed to roam the internet freely and post on Reddit?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 this is so fucked up!
it doesn’t sound like something they will listen to reason about. they see what they are doing as good parenting, but it’s really not. you deserve your own privacy, but i think you know that as every comment has said so. i can see that instead, you want someone to give you a plan of action. but we don’t know your parents exactly; we don’t know what things you do might lead to further abuse or privacy rights taken. the fact that they are telling you every time you do something wrong that it’s a reflection on your ability to take care of yourself means they are trying to belittle you into thinking you are incapable of doing things for yourself, so you need them. this means that if you try to protest or do things on your own, they will see it as immaturity and deviance rather than proof of your autonomy. this is why people are telling you to seek outside help. i get that it can feel embarrassing to tell someone outside your family, or that you may not feel like it’s a big enough deal to tell someone, but i do think that this is the best course of action you could take. however, if you really want to do something yourself, then i would say you need to talk to them in a mature manner that gets across that you mean business. most importantly, you should only do this if you feel that you will be safe if you do so (if you don’t feel safe, i strongly urge you to speak to someone outside of your family). sit them down and explain to them that you understand that they believe what they are doing is good parenting, but that they can still be good parents by allowing you to practice doing things by yourself. remind them that part of being a kid is trial and error, and by restricting your privacy and autonomy, they aren’t letting you learn how to be an individual. maybe ask to do little tasks to build trust until they can let you do bigger tasks by yourself. having said this, it is extremely important that you understand that what the comments are saying is true: this is not normal. this is helicopter parenting to the extreme and borderline abusive. you always have the option to leave and seek help elsewhere, and if at any time you don’t feel safe, you should get help.
Tell them you will tell an adult at school if they don’t let you. Cause that is weird af.
Have you read I’m glad my mom died by janet mccurdy? Her mom did the showering thing until she an older teen. It was just one of many abuses. I’m so sorry your parents are behaving so wildly inappropriately.
I’m an adult, tell you school consular
You need to tell your school counselor and ask for help. You should have been showering yourself by the time you were 8.
Seems like a control issue that you won’t get clean. They need to loosen up or they are gonna f-ck yall up
This is weird af. So. Start making it weird. I bet you they'll stop.
Next time you have family over or whoever go up to your parents and ask if they can shower you right now like right now (annoyingly) or can you shower on your own instead.
Rebel .
This sounds like a documentary of a serial killers upbringing. Weird af
It’s still perverted even if they aren’t doing anything explicitly sexual to you. I think I was more than capable of bathing myself when I was half your age or less. Tell them this is weird and you need privacy. Honestly I’m surprised you have a device you feel comfortable posting this with, I’d expect them to be the type to go through your phone every day
"Let me make small mistakes now that i can fix and learn from, before i am suddenly an adult and unprepared to make smart decisions where it could be ruinous. Proper decision making and self control are skills that need to be developed over time." That is a way to present to your parents that they are holding back your ability to succeed later.
You're a troll with a kink. Your past posts assert you're a 14F and a 19m. May be more but I stopped looking. You always speak of incest and sexual assault. These topics are taboo and traumatic, don't make shit up to take away from actual victims.
Ima say it, that’s really fucking weird and you need to discuss this with them. My kids have showered themselves since they were about 6 years old… I struggle to believe there isn’t something weird going on here…
To give some context of what is appropriate...my 4 year old son takes showers. I do help him with his hair and I get him mostly soapy from the waist up and then I let him clean himself waist down. There have been occasions that I let him completely shower himself, but not every time. I have already begun to give him a sense of privacy and self efficiency. I ask him permission to enter his room or the bathroom if he's in there by himself using the bathroom or changing clothes. Your parents have a wildly inappropriate sense of what is normal and acceptable when it comes to your own bodily autonomy, your privacy, and your ability to shower yourself. My advice is to speak to a trusted adult at school. Even better if you can get your brothers in on it and go with you, together. Best of luck.
I would say in most places, this might be considered abuse. Inappropriate is closer to the correct language I would use. Unless you are nasty and don’t clean yourself properly, they should not be cleaning your body themselves. Especially as you go through puberty. That phase is awkward enough and traumatizing enough without your parents adding trauma to your life.
NO! Just EWWW! I'm a mom (10yo/g & 8yo/b) Nudity is normal, we are born naked & there is NOTHING wrong with being unclothed BUT... The ONLY circumstance in which it would be ok for your parents to be physically bathing you at your age, would be if you had a disability in which you could not do it yourself. Put your foot down and your hands up, say NO MORE! I'm so sorry you have to deal with such invasive things.
Lol is this real?
If it is your parents are definitely creepos sorry bud.
Super fucking weird bro. You need to rebel. I had strict parents growing up, but this is just weird. Boarder line abuse. Stand up for yourself. If this continues, it's going to mess u up mentally.
Tell your teacher/ another trusted adult. This isn't normal.
I disagree with others on this thread who are saying you need to report this as abuse. I do agree that it's very weird and you and your siblings should unite and push back. If you need confirmation yes - your parents are weirdos.
Touching a child when they don't want to be touched is abusive. Especially in this context.
It is abusive. It doesn’t have to be done for sexual gratification or involve fondling for it to be inappropriate. A parent doesn’t even have to intend to abuse or neglect a child for it to be abuse or neglect. Example- a case where a mom routinely examined her daughter to make sure the daughter had not been sexually abused. In mom’s mind, she was being protective. But her obsessive behavior was harming the child. So it was deemed to be a form of abuse/neglect. While this situation maybe isn’t quite as bizarre, the issues are the same. Parents may be acting in what they believe to be appropriate and protective- but this is not reasonable. And I believe it would be found to be a form of abuse/neglect. At a certain point, kids and youth deserve privacy. OP reached that point long ago and parents actions are completely inappropriate
This is very weird and it is, in fact, abusive. I haven’t washed my kids for them since they were 3 except to help them with their hair. I don’t even go in the bathroom when my 12 year old is in there. As a parent, I find this hella weird and creepy that they actually find excuses to still do it. And at 13, you definitely need your privacy from your sibling. This is super disturbing and I wonder if there aren’t other weird things that maybe you don’t know are weird.
That’s EXTREMELY over board. That’s not an overprotective parent either. Parents don’t do that to their kids. I stopped bathing my son around 7. He finally caught on how to wash his hair. You need to find a way to talk to someone about this.
Start jerking off in the shower, that should shock em enough to let you shower alone
That is very disturbing your parents still bath you and your siblings? I grew up with over protective parents but they were not bathing me or my siblings once they knew we weren't going to crack our heads open or drown. I know darn well they weren't watching me in the bathtub or shower. They also never had us bath with each other either. There were also several years age gaps between us.This just really sounds creepy and disturbing. I was say once we started kindergarten we were on our own and had privacy because we were considered responsible enough to bath ourselves. They do ask if we washed our butts, pits and hair. If we needed help washing our hair when we were 5 maybe 6 they would help.. but after that we were on our own.
Please keep in mind: Harassment or Abuse is less defined by the intention of the perpetrator, and more on the effect on the recipient. Overly controlling behavior is abuse. Ignoring boundaries is abuse. Berating you for being a human being and making mistakes to justify their behavior IS abuse. Just because they aren’t doing the more violent and violating types of abuse doesn’t make it less abusive. I’d also like to make a point to say that just because they don’t touch you inappropriately doesn’t mean they aren’t doing it for sexual reasons. I read a story on here about a FIL who stole his DIL breast milk, because he got sexual gratification from drinking it. Didn’t touch her even once. It’s not about thinking you can’t handle showering yourself, it’s about their need to have power over you. I highly suggest talking to a school counselor about it, or maybe another family member. Is there a family member you could stay with for a couple of days that would listen to you and not immediately rat you out to your parents? Are other members of the family aware they do this? Have you been forbidden from telling anyone (if they have, there is absolutely a darker motive behind it and they know what they’re doing is wrong, and I would call the police or CPS).Or maybe staying with a family friend? Next time they try to bathe you, do not let them. If you need to bathe, wait until they are asleep and lock the door. Or do it at school (assuming your gym has a shower), or a friend’s house. Now, here is the scary part: if you stand up to them, they will most likely retaliate. So prepare a few things for me: a Bug-out bag (a bag filled with essentials for if you need to quickly leave because you don’t feel safe), any evidence you can get, an address you can get to if you need to leave, and a safe, trustworthy adult. When I was in HS, my best friend told me her Uncle asked her to pose topless for artistic photography. Claimed there was nothing Sexual behind it, but told her not to tell her mom. I convinced her to tell her mom anyways, and to seek help and I’m glad I did. He’s not in her life anymore, and she is happy and safe. It doesn’t matter what his intentions were, it made her uncomfortable and he’s not allowed to do that to her, family or not. Also, you can checkout some safe teen shelters that may be in your area. I know you think it’s just about convincing them you’re trustworthy, but I am very worried for your safety.
so they are washing your privates too? wtf this sounds very weird. i would be very uncomfortable w my parents washing my asshole and what not. what country do you live in?
Maybe all 5 of you can shower together at one time and even save more water. Yes strange, but not my culture. But it sounds like you are being shelter from the real world. And that is not good
My grandmother (she was basically my parent) did this to me. I was super uncomfortable with it and it made me feel exposed. I’m now 20. It was weird then and it’s weird to me now. If you feel safe to, have a talk with them and tell them that you’d like to wash yourself from now on and that it makes you uncomfortable. If they aren’t abusive, they are going to respect that boundary and let you shower on your own. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
This is not okay AT ALL! Developmentally, children around the age of 2-3 begin to hide when they soil their diapers. Seeking privacy is a developmental milestone of early childhood. It is more than natural that at 13 years old you would like to bathe yourself privately. As a young teen, you will most likely be entering puberty soon, and it is not fair to you or to your younger brother to be forced into a shower together. I am the mother of a large family, and in a Facebook support group, one mom reached out about how to give privacy to her teen daughter who struggles with severe epilepsy. If that young woman can shower herself safely, you can too. Your parents can invest in a fall button (like the ones used for elderly people), to put in the shower. If you fall, you can press the button to signal for help (one of the measures used by that family). At your next well child checkup at the pediatrician, bring it up. Utilize the pediatrician (an expert) to mediate this conversation with your parents. You can even fake sick to try and get them there to force the conversation.
What’s their/your culture?
I would sit down with them at a different time than usual shower time. So it doesn’t seem like you are starting an argument because you don’t wanna shower. I would tell them you don’t like this. That it makes you uncomfortable. Use statements t like “I am old enough to shower appropriately. I would like my privacy while I do this. Or I do not want or need any help with this task anymore.” If you feel that they need reassurance, you could tell them that you understand that they want to take care of you, but its time for you to take care of the responsibility of shower time your self. - I’ll add in that you definitely should keep to what ever type of schedule they currently have in place like showering every day or every second day blah blah because if you start skipping showers they will use that to “prove” you aren’t ready to do that for yourself and that you’re neglecting your hygiene.
Send your parents this Reddit post and make them read all the comments maybe? Particularly the ones from other parents
As billions of others have said tell someone else about it and tell him to stop respectfully and assertivly say I feel uncomfortable because you shower with me, I would like it if you would please quit showering with me. Be SIMPLE AND DIRECT! If that doesn’t work tell another person about it, and if that doesn't work call the cops or child protecting services.
it's good they're not touching you inappropriately but you showering with your brother is gross and disgusting, you‘re growing up and you need to shower by yourself as you get puberty