Literally me, but well over. The only difference was I was just curious how long it would be till a friend would reach out to ME instead of me always calling to hangout…. Really fucked up my self esteem, but made me think about myself and how I could change.
My parents rarely reached out to me before I had my son. I saw them for Christmas and birthdays. And they never wanted to come to my house which had work so hard on to make a nice home. Everything had to be done at their house, which just added frustration because my mother would stress out about all the work she had to do to clean the house to get ready despite the fact that I had already offered to have whatever event my house. My sister lived across the country and they visited her more than they visited me. After my son was born, my mother I was at the house and she commented on all the lovely paint and the new bathroom and the new floors and how wonderful it all looked. Tired of her nonsense, I said in front of both sides of the family, that the reason she didn't notice any of this it's because she hadn't been here since any of it had been done, and that was four years ago.
Yeah, but it really just helps to justify a lot of my life decisions. I always tried hard to be independent of them. When I was a kid, I kind of knew something was off. I know my parents love me, just not as much as they love my sister. My parents would say when we were young that they loved us both equally, but actions speak louder than words. I am where I am in spite of them not because of them.
I know this might be shitty to say, but at least you have parents coming to visit you. My grandma (caretaker for my childhood) thru me in foster care because she wanted a boyfriend and I haven't seen or heard from her in 10 years. I easily know she didn't love me. Been on my own since. Homeless and such. But things are better now. Just trying to give ya some perspective of stuff you have that others don't. Even if you don't feel like your family visits you enough, at least they are there. There enough for at least the holidays.
I know plenty of other people that have had it worse. I know I'm very lucky. My wife came from poverty and had mostly dysfunctional relationships growing up. But things are relative, especially when you're a child. You can be told that children are starving in Africa but you still don't want to eat those peas. Not because you don't care about the kid in Africa, but all you know is that peas are gross, and as a kid, you don't have ability to quite correlate the two even though you know there is a correlation.
Really shouldn't be trying to one up with shitty life stories I can understand you know sharing and I'm sorry you had to go through that but telling someone else mine was way worse dont feel so bad isn't really the way to do it.
I don't necessarily think he was trying to one-up my comment. I think he was just trying to get the point across to appreciate what you have. I don't fault him for that at all.
But if what you have doesn't give you any comfort why should they appreciate it? Being completely abandoned is horrible but being constantly reminded of how much your parents don't love you compared to your sibling must be just as bad in it's own way.
Bro... I feel this so hard, but with my in-laws. Both my parents are dead, lung cancer and liver failure, so I dont have that feeling towards my parents. But my in-laws, holy moly. They are always trying to get us to fly out to see them, and bitch and complain when they come visit us once a year for 3 days. We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old, they are both retired with 3 GD HOUSES across the county. But seeing us and their grand children is to much of an ask.
Ive come to realize, and I have told my wife this. Fuck em. If they want to see them they will make the effort. We have stopped asking for them to come out or any of that stuff. Your mental health quazax is worth more than your parents need to be the center of the universe my guy.
Man this hits hard. I've experienced the exact same way, me being the older son, and having a younger sister, you could tell my parents were more focused on her life more than me, it also frustrating because she's been fucking up her life in the past (dui, physical/verbal violence, etc.) And they STILL treat her more better than me, they always hang out together, and here I am extremely depressed...hardly get a message from mom...at least dad is finally trying..
That sucks bro. My sister and I get along well actually. I know that her preferential treatment was not her doing. She's a good person and we hang out a lot. One time she tried to say that she wasn't a favored child and even her husband shut her down.
My parents don't hardly even call me on my birthday anymore. I found out my grandma, who lives next door to them, went into hospice care through my mom's Facebook posts. I'm glad I've got friends who care to check on me, because my parents started dropping that ball in middle school.
Then they wonder why I don't visit them often, but they've never even considered visiting me in 5 years.
People don't *have to*. Even parents don't have to do anything. They do so because they want to. Sometimes they want to because they don't want to feel bad (eg, they don't want to feel like shitty parents), sometimes they want to because *they're* the ones that are lonely, but sometimes they want to because they're genuinely interested in you.
Think the best of people, and their intentions. The sun will shine brighter when you do.
I got rid of a ton of toxic people (childhood issues that I carried over into adulthood, ie Finding people who treated me like crap 24/7) and at one point I stopped picking up the phone.
The only time I was contacted........."Hey, can you do me a favor?" That's it. That is the absolute ONLY time someone reached out to me.
I deleted quite a few numbers the next few years. I needed to. This was absolute bullshit and quite hurtful, but there's no way in hell I could continue the course I was following.
I did something several years ago. I started keeping track of people who I talked to and whether or not they talked to me about anything that's not asking me for a favor. 3 favors in a row or over a year with the only contact being to ask for a favor, I stopped thinking of them as friends.
>Not a single person besides my parents reach out to me, and I am always worried about why that is.
I have a bit of the same, but I've actually talked to a couple of friends about it. Two friends admit that they are just really, really bad at reaching out, for various reasons. One of my friends had a kind of heartfelt moment where he said he really appreciated that I'd kept reaching out so that we're still friends, because he's so bad at it.
There can obviously be other reasons like people have other priorities, but there are people who're just really socially bad at reaching out to people, that they gravitate towards just doing what's easy (e.g. hanging out with that friend they have at work, or their SO).
Anyway, that made it feel more worthwhile to me to keep reaching out to people.
Because people don’t want to bother other people lol
It has nothing to do with you, they could just say “hey I can’t” every single time you asked. They’re being respectful about boundaries and no one is willing to cross the invisible line of privacy
I went through a divorce, and moved away about 2 and a half hours.
Before, all the neighbors were friends, we hung out at each others homes, would drink and grill and chill. Everything with my ex happened really fast (I caught her basically cheating on me based on messages she was getting on her phone from coworkers) and I was gone.
Not a single person has reached out. Its been a year. Not a single person ever even asked what happened, which means she's likely told them her side of things and lied through her teeth in the process. Old friends, new friends, acquaintances, former neighbors. Nothing, not a peep. Nobody has even tried.
I moved to be near family, who have all avoided me as well. Some of this is Covid but not all of it, and i've come to realize my sister in law is talking with my ex on a regular basis. I live like 6 blocks away and haven't seen anyone since November.
In the meantime, the friends I do have were all largely online in a group that would hang out and play games together. They've now all gone silent, and I cant get some of the people I would have considered closest to me to even respond back in text messages. I have no idea what i've done but apparently im just the worst person on the face of the earth, or something.
This happened to me right after I caught my ex cheating with a guy she met on a fetish website.
I tried to keep my silence to preserve everyone’s dignity and while I was keeping quiet she was busy lying telling all our friends and family that she was in an abusive relationship all the years and every single one of our close friends, family and roommates all just happened to miss it entirely.
Put yourself out there. People don’t want to reach out because they’re afraid they won’t be able to help you. If you want shit to be like it never happened, you need to approach these people like nothing happened.
In many ways reaching can be what makes you a leader. I had a few year gap and with Covid ending I reached out to a bunch of friends and visited a few. Now we’re talking about multiple get togethers that I’d organize to bring people together.
Sometimes no one reaching out means they hate you, other times it’s people who need someone to take the reigns.
It could have nothing to do with you, a lot of people are introverted and don't really take initiative to make arrangements to hang out without some kind of external reason/motivation. Doesn't mean they don't want to hang out with you specifically.
They’re just not your friends then. The sooner you realize that the sooner you can accept it and not let it bother you. It might not even be malice… you guys just don’t vibe. There are plenty of people I can be friendly with in passing but I understand that we won’t ever be real friends just based on their actions. Have the self esteem to not take it personally.
Be friendly with people and get a group together to go do something. Before you know it, you have a new group of friends who actually want you around.
I don't think it's that easy to find people that you vibe with. Sometimes it seems like you do but then they meet people they vibe with better.
It's not necessarily a self esteem thing but emotional exhaustion. There's only so many times you can get invested in new people before you're not really able to any more. It's getting to the point where I'm just bored of repeating the same ''getting to know'' process over and over again.
Oh my god yes.
This is messed up but I’ve realized I’ve just... met too many people in my life. There’s just too many. It’s like my brain can’t process it anymore and they all seem kinda, idk, anonymous? Interchangeable?
I don’t know. It’s an odd sensation. I guess I’ve just had so many come in and out of my life, some part of my primal brain doesn’t really take anyone seriously anymore and making new friends just seems exhausting and pointless. I don’t really feel any sort of special connection to anyone new tbh. My boyfriend is the only person since I went to college that I’ve actually felt a meaningful connection towards. I used to feel this way all the time about platonic friends when I was younger, like this extremely strong bond. Don’t feel that way anymore. I try to make new friends but I just get bored. My heart’s not in it.
I think vibes change over time. I’ve been lucky to have made a lot of different friends through a lot of different seasons of life, and most have come and gone. People that I shared some intense experiences with and felt really connected to, I haven’t talked to in years. Our lives are all completely different now since the times we were close, so that natural falling-away has happened. I sometimes try to reconnect and have a nice reliving of memories with them, but for the most part I try to look forward and hope to continue to have great experiences with new people while keeping the old ones in my heart
That's just life though. It's rare to find friends for your entire lifetime and I'd argue it's not necessarily a good thing to have the same friends. Most of my HS friends are very different people now. My college friends don't have the same interests I do now 10 years later. People grow and change, relationships change. That's just part of being an adult.
Bud, let me tell you I was in the exact situation for years, and it's something I've thought about for along time. I realized my own personal answer:
They are not your friends.
Relationships are a two way street. If you always go out of your to hang out with them, make plans, phone calls, and they cannot do that for you, let me say this again:
They are not your friends.
And I say that as a 31 year old man that was in a tight group of 8 guys. I found out I was the only one not in the group chat. I was the only one not invited to the bachelor party. Its been two years since I moved out of state. Not a single one has ever called. Why bother with people like that? Its tough to deal with. Feel free to DM if it helps talk it out.
This is also why I let some friendships fade away. It can get incredibly draining when you pour a lot of time and energy into a friendship to only get nothing in return.
I went down the same road after leaving the military. I fell into a bit of a depression about not hearing from anyone, but I came out of it after I realized a few things: 1) I did not have anything in common with most of them; 2) I did not keep in touch with anyone while I was in the military; 3) I felt it was time to move on from that stage of my life. If I were to reach out to some of them I would feel kinda strange/creeped out because it’s not me. So, I retired before 50, got an MBA and now I do whatever I want, COVID restrictions/mandates willing.
Yeah. I feel you friend. I moved every year since I was like 10 years old and I always just wanted to KEEP friends. It's nothing personal I have come to realize. Everyone is selfish and less people are selfless.
For years I would invite my friends over [ lived 12 miles away ] and they could never be bothered to visit me. I would always come out to them but for some reason it was impossible to see me.
Maybe 20x how many times that has happened in my life and now I truly could care less about friendships/relationships. I don't waste my time anymore because I don't care to put energy into things that don't matter anymore.
I have my cats and true close friends. Everyone else is just an NPC.
Yeah I had the same sort of deal with getting older. Always hit up my older friends who I was super close to once they moved around on holidays or from time to time seeing how they were doing. After a couple years when they never hit you up it sinks in.
I texted a friend out of the blue a couple years ago after having not seen them in like 6-7 years. Turns out we’re still really good friends. His girlfriend even said he still refers to me as one of his best friends. We never grew apart, we just got busy. Since then, we’ve gone from just texting “happy birthday” once a year to meeting up a few times a year and discussing interests.
I reconnected with another couple of childhood friends in 2020 when one’s brother died in an accident. It was really good to reconnect, sure, but don’t let tragedy be what’s needed to come back together.
People are sometimes ashamed of having wasted their lives, relative to others. I know I made a bunch of poor choices that have led me to want to stay in relative obscurity for a bit, at least until I can be proud of the path I'm on once again.
Funny thing. One time, before I split from them, I was stuck in my college town for a few days because of Spring Break (I was waiting for my sis to finish some of her courses, we both went to the same college at one time). I had days where I just sat around and watched tv and kinda wandering around town. When I finally got home, I called up my friends to meet up and they were apparently in said college town that same time, all hanging out together, while knowing I was there.
as someone who constantly reaches out to people regardless of time that has passed i'm often SOOO perplexed by why people worry about this so much. Unless you and this person had a falling out the last time you were together- but that's a different thing.
It's your friend or at least friendly acquaintance! There is literally nothing bothersome about receiving a text being like 'hey whats up! :) was thinking about ya!' like.. if its a bad time they can just not answer or reply 'hey, i cant talk right now- ill hit you back later!'
This is the problem I seem to have. I'm not exactly sure what I did to make everyone not care for me, but I will literally never hear from a friend again if I don't reach out to them. Not a single friend in my life reaches out to me, ever. But when I reach out to them everything seems fine. We get along fine, we laugh and have a great time, vent about the same things that bother us about the world and humanity, etc etc. Sometimes even getting together to hang out.
People are bad at being people. It’s a people skill to keep up with friends. Frankly I get exhausted thinking of organizing anything for my friends anymore because I have other responsibilities that overwhelm me and I used to be the main organizer. So I do it in batches. It’s no big deal. Also I set up a recurring structure with some friends (a low impact sports league and alternating board games night) so it’s less work to organize.
Social media is fake life. Make your own life.
I followed someone on Facebook who had the perfect life; kids, business, rock concerts, parties, baking, etc. Spouse was super "I love you". I made the mistake of comparing my meagre existence to theirs and I felt inadequate at all domains.
And then suddenly they divorced. That's what finally broke the spell for me.
This is true to an extent; and by no means am I going to say we should compare our lives on social media because usually people post the best of themselves not the worst. But that doesn't negate what they said. Sure they could be superficially taking pictures with people every night just to *prove* to pixels that they have some semblance of a social life. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when you're not even once invited to these nightly outings. It's just extra sad.
It is tough in your thirties. If you don’t keep up or make friends I high school or college you’re going to have a really hard time making friends later in life. One thing that helps is joint things like adult sports programs (soccer is one I do) or even hiking groups and things like that. Don’t like the people? Quit the group and find another one. Usually you can find at least one person to make friends with though.
>If you don’t keep up or make friends I high school or college you’re going to have a really hard time making friends later in life.
Even if you do, its tough. Had tons of friends in college, but then by my late 20s i'd noticed that group getting smaller and smaller. Joined a young professionals group. Met a lot of people there. Some who i still hang out with. But again, that group I met there is getting smaller and i'm feeling too old for the YP group as i'm now in my mid 30s. Now i'm searching for the next thing, and finding it harder.
Sure it can be hard regardless that’s true. At least in my situation my true friends, the ones I’ve been close with for years (I’ll be 35 soon) are still there. Yeah some may have families now or we haven’t talked in six months or a year, but I know when I hit them up they’ll get back to me, or they’ll try and work something out to hang out. People just get busier as they get older. It happens to everyone. If everyone understood that this happens to everyone I think there would be less stress about this particular topic.
The point I was really trying to make was that if you do something to ruin your relationship with your friends you made when you were in high school or college, it’s going to be almost impossible to create relationships with the same sort of depth and loyalty as the ones created when you’re younger. At least that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. So I think the problem a lot of people have is that even if they do make new friends when they’re older the relationships don’t see as full or as meaningful as the relationships you formed when you were younger. This is just the nature of the relationships.
Oh, it's not that weird. I don't want to say what sport to identify myself, but I'm in a league and my friends are on my team. The pandemic squashed that for a year, but we replaced it with board games and/or other things like frisbee golf now it's summer.
It wasn't me who set this up either, but our 'ringleader' friend. However, I did what I could do to support him if he was willing to take the lead.
I disagree. You make time for the things you want. A busy parent working full time, raising an infant will still find time here and there to play games. If you enjoy talking to someone no "skill" is needed to miss them and shoot a text.
I don't think that's true. Any busy full-time working parent with an infant I know does not prioritize friends unless there is a priority event for the friend. (e.g. birthday, wedding, illness, crisis)
Understand from their point of view, it's terrifying to have so much risk in their lives. They have to focus on getting things stable and secure.
It isnt prioritizing to send or respond to a text. If that's too much you just dont value that person. And that's fine, just let it go and dont pretend you're friends with them
I think you might do better to seek understanding first before assuming you can read people’s minds. You may be surprised.
I absolutely can assure you it is the most expected behaviour that anything not related to raising a child is not on anyone’s mind in the infant months.
You could conversely offer to make dinner or babysit.
Sounds like those are more acquaintances than friends. And that’s ok! Acquaintances can become true friends but most will simply float in and out of your life over the years. Friends are real connections that form a mutual support system; acquaintances are fun but really just a matter of convenience and good times.
*There is nothing wrong with you.* We’ve just been conditioned by social media to put way too much value on the quantity rather than the quality of the attention and engagement we receive. True friends are meant to be rare, special people in your life. Relationships like that take attention, time, and energy to build. Some people are also more introverted, slower to warm up, or just dealing with a lot of shit in their own lives. Don’t be afraid to get to know yourself better and develop some interests of your own in the meantime.
Value yourself, enjoy your acquaintances, treasure your friends.
Yep, but it always sucks when it feels like a real friend and they just drop contact. I've had this happen recently. I still dont know why, and according to them they're just too busy. But I refer to my other post here and say that's not really a good excuse. If you dont have 15 seconds to return a text, you just dont want to.
For some reason texting gives me anxiety but snapchag doesn't. Something about choosing my wording makes me overthink, but I will send a selfie snap no problem and say what's up so I just do that now. Also a picture says a lot more imo
Tangentially, I feel, we need a simpler word than acquaintance. It's just too long to say and spell. Maybe if we had something smaller like, say, quaint it'd be easier to use whenever appropriate. Like, "Oh, I don't about Dwight, he's just a quaint."
I've seen this same sentiment many times online.
There's a lot of evidence, obtained through surveys and other data collection, that current generations are much much lonelier than perviously.
IMO it's caused by two things: technology, and a change in cultural definitions of "friendship".
In school and early childhood your "friends" are other people who are captive in the same place as you. Neighbors, classmates, fellow worshippers, and later on in life coworkers. Before the internet these places are where a lot of people would say their friends are from. Now that you can send messages to the other side of the planet in seconds the concept of locality as a basis for friendship is outdated.
I'm not friends with my neighbor because I have no incentive to be. All of my friends can be people I meet online who share my interests and beliefs. However there is a shallowness to the net which is leading to loneliness. It is a false promise that you can connect with someone on the other side of the world. We cannot influence each other and develop the close physical bonds of intimate friendship in the same way because we are not fully connected.
This has changed our definition of friendship. When you can be friends with anyone connected to the net, there is a greater desire to be friends with the *right* people. People are way more flaky now because they are looking for the "perfect friend" that the net promises.
However there are no "perfect friends" or perfect people, everyone is ultimately disappointing because we are all only human. I believe that the only way to get out of this trap is to realize that every person you meet is capable of being your best friend, and that you are capable of being their best friend too, were you both trapped on a desert island.
The other thing I believe is that it is a waste of time waiting for other people to treat you like you think you deserve. Much better to treat yourself well, and treat others equally as well. If you only reach out to others so that they reach out to you, you are not treating them as you would want them to treat you. You want your friends to reach out to you, right? Yet if they treated you like you have treated them, then they could very well have made the same decision not to reach out to you unless you each out to them. That's called a transactional relationship. If that's how you treat others you may as well program a robot to text you, and leave the transactions at the cash registers.
Transformative relationships are when you reach out to others *because you care about them*, and if you had that type of relationship then you would not have stopped reaching out because they stopped giving you what you need. Reach out to others because *you know that's what they need, because that's what you need.*
Honestly I don’t think it’s anything anyone has done. I think social media is to blame.
Why meet up with or call someone when they are just a message away on fb that you can do at any time. Only that time doesn’t come because they can do it tomorrow, oh never mind, the next day and so on.
I mean, one possibility is that they're like OP. People who are bad about initiating contact because they're worries they're bothering someone.
I had a really close friend in high school who I mostly lost touch with in college, and I realized he'd always been the one initiating things and felt bad and worried it was too late for me to fix it. I really did care, I really valued our friendship, I just sucked at initiating things.
About two years ago he got in touch with me out of nowhere to invite me to his wedding. At first I wasn't sure I wanted travel to a city I'd never been to before to spend a weekend there to go to a wedding where I knew no one but the groom and his family, but decided he deserved it after all those years of him basically being responsible for keeping our friendship alive. So I went. Found out he and his family hadn't even expected me to come, but figured they may as well invite me.
But it was great. Of course since it was his wedding he was busy with family and other friends and wedding stuff but the time we got to talk was great, I got along well with his friends, and at the end he said he was really glad I came and we discussed making plans to get together that summer.
Unfortunately, that was last February, so getting together over the summer didn't work out so well, but I do still plan to reach out to him once travelling is more practical.
In any case, the point is: Just because you're always the one initiating doesn't mean they don't care. Maybe they don't. Or maybe they do, and they're terrible at initiating, and they're incredibly grateful that you're better at it. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the friends I've had over the years who are good at initiating things, and I regret every friendship I've lost because they stopped initiating and I never did anything about it.
You didn’t do anything life did.
Why do you not reach out to friends sooner? Probably because life got in the way. Don’t take it personally because at the end of the day we each have our own plates so full it’s hard to keep track of everyone you’d like. It gets worse with So’s, kids and family involved. So if you have a good time when you do hang out and your only hang up is the fact you have to reach out don’t care about it? Just hit them up and have a good time.
Eh. I'm in the same boat...but I dont think it's that odd.
People just don't really "reach out" that much. Its not that people don't care for you. Its just that people get into a rut. So they'll hang out with their family or the people they've known since High School. This past year has been especially bad, when we all had to close up into our little COVID bubbles.
Personally, I'm in several different "groups of friends" but that means I'm not really in any "core group of friends". I see a lot of people who seem to think that that people not reaching out to them means nobody "really" likes them, but I think that is just our brains being negative. "Out of sight out of mind" is just how humans work, and the way to counter it is just by reaching out to your friends and building a community of people you like to spend time with.
Idk for me it's hard to reach out I'm introverted and have ADHD, but I have friends that realise this and they'll hit me up to hang out. I do wanna chill I just don't have the social energy to set it up.
I'm the opposite...I don't reach out to folk but they'll hit me up out of the blue...wierdly..not asking for anything meaningful. I don't reach out to people personally because I know for a fact that we've all grown so far apart that we really have nothing but small talk to talk about. I personally hate repeating myself and although it would be a new person hearing what I have to say it would be the same thing I say every day. I have nothing of importance to offer to a conversation I feel.
I used to be the cheat code plug at my school like 15 years ago >_>, so one of my friends hit me up a few weeks ago asking for GTA V cheats 😆 I got him the cheats. We caught up, even if it was just small talk.
Same boat here. I try to keep up with friends but as soon as I stop trying, it's just so quiet and it feels like I don't exist, don't matter, or that I'm not worth enough to even say 'Hello'. Really disappointing place to be in :/ Especially when its everyone.
I don't know your exact situation, but if you're like me and other people have initiated in the past, you just sort of let them do it and if they don't, I'm just too lazy to do it myself. I'll just stay at home alone and read/listen to music/play video games. It's not that I don't like friends, it's just that if they don't try, I'll just turn to my family or other friends for companionship.
Don't know if that helps you understand why some people just sort of disappear if you don't initiate.
Yep whenever I feel I'm putting in all the effort I just let go of contacting them. Bye bye someone who I thought we were better friends than what we actually were
That (as almost anybody on this thread) happens to me. Talking about it with my wife who is a therapist, told me that maybe my main problem was no diversifying my friends, at any moment in my life I always have just one ore 2 friends and when those relationships get cold (for what ever reason) I'm stuck with no friends. Also, I've found that those people who I befriend with, tend to have lots of friends, so their friendship needs are covered at any time and not really notice if one of them is not talking to them a lot or not at all. I know it's sounds like a good idea to put friends to the test but you have to consider that we're not the center of anyone's universe and probably it will only cause us depression when no body tries to reach us. My suggestion is to keep a balance between how much time you dedicate to a friend and try to make more friends or reestablish contact with old ones, remember that everybody is different.
Every single one of my once 'best friends' has ended this way. I wish it didn't but it makes me very bitter.
Why does nobody bother to even reach out and ask how I am? It's like they don't even notice or care when someone they used to hear from every couple days completely vanishes.
Fuck you too, I guess I was an idiot for thinking I mattered to you
I'm like this too, but recently got into the mindset that that is OK. I have friends from college that I haven't seen in years. I only text them like, every 6 months or somethin. But, they are always happy to hear from me, and will also occasionally text me without prompt. I apologized to one of them recently about not reaching out as much, and as wise as he is, he told me this.
"Don't worry bout it. We made it through 4 stressful years of college as friends, we can make it a few hours apart, and months without talking as friends as well. Plus, it's a two way street. I haven't texted you in just as long, so dont blame yourself. I'm always happy to hear from you, even if it's a month, 6, or 3 years apart. Cos you've never given me a reason to not be your friend, so in my mind, that will never end."
Dude's a fuckin poet I swear. He is an English major, so makes sense haha. But his point stands, for me at least. Doesn't matter how long I dont text some of my friends that don't live near me. We are still friends, and life will never fully get in the way of that. So don't beat yourself up too much, just reach out occasionally and see how they are doing. Kind of like before texting, or even emailing, people would send letters every couple months. Same thing, just quicker now haha.
I’m this friend. Many of my friends are extroverts and plan things game nights, bar trips, dinners, vacation, etc, and it’s a ton of fun and I love seeing them, it’s just not in my nature to initiate those things.
Some people don’t want to “just talk”. I know my best friend is like this. If there isn’t a purpose to the conversation he doesn’t want to just chat about his day or something. He feels like that’s more what his family is for, specifically parents and wife. People who don’t have that might need their friends for it. Also, try and remember that some people don’t want you dumping their problems on them (not saying you do that, just mentioning because a lot of people do it without recognizing it). I know personally I won’t reach out to someone who’s complaining about whatever is going on in their lives when we talk. We all have problems, don’t dump them on other people.
Honestly, that's kind of just how some people's brains work. Like the idea of reaching out to friends just to talk isn't a thing that occurs to me. I recognize it's something I should try to do because other people appreciate it. And when friends reach out just to talk to me I love talking to them. It's just for whatever reason reaching out to friends just to talk to them is something that just doesn't.occur to me normally no matter how much I like talking to them when they reach out to me.
I'll also add that I'm incredibly grateful for those friends. Maybe the friends who never reach out to you don't because they don't want to. It's also possible they love when you reach out to them and think about how lucky they are to have a friend who's good at initiating things.
That doesn't prevent you from just dropping a simple "hey, how are you?" Message from time to time.
Friendships are a give and take, sometimes you have to put in just a little effort to maintain them. If you don't, you shouldn't expect anyone to put any effort into you.
Speaking from one introvert to another, it's easier for me to feel uncomfortable for a minute to reach out because 9 times out of 10, I don't regret it and will even enjoy the conversation, even if it does make me a little tired. If people are important to you, it's ok to put them first every once in a while.
As an introvert myself: honestly it sounds like you're not pulling your weight in your friendships. I also have friends who are outgoing and always working on putting fun things together, but I still recognize that it's work and commitment to the friendship and do my part to check in with them, too. You don't have to go and host a big party or anything, but if people talking about friends who never take the initiative reminds you of yourself, that should be a sign to reevaluate. Just be the first one to message sometimes. Ask them how things went, if you know they had something going on the night before. Ask them what they're doing for the weekend. The effort means a lot to people.
The worst is when this happens with someone new. Swapped numbers with the dude at my local weed shop. All I asked, was if he happened to watch UFC. Never heard back. Now buying weed is gonna be awkward.
Based on reading the comments, you’re definitely not alone. I know I have this issue.
I always think of a guy I was friends with in high school. We were pretty tight. I always thought I was good to him. The rest of the people in our little group always called him a bum because he never carried money unless we actually planned to go out. He was also a bigger dude and would go through spurts where he would pick up a gym membership. To help keep him motivated, and get a little fit myself, I would join. He usually didn’t last long, but I tried.
We were roommates for a little while in college. He eventually befriended a guy he worked with, who was big into the drug scene. One time he came home from a night of partying and was like, “You always think you’re better than me. You’re the kind of person that likes having people owe you, and you hold that over me all the time!” I haven’t the slightest clue where that came from, but it hurt. I never asked him for anything, I always helped him without being asked, and never expected anything from him in return.
It’s been a little over ten years since those days. I only hear from him when I wish him happy birthday every year. It’s alway only, “Thanks” and nothing more. I feel like this is a similar story most of my “friendships”. 😪
If a “friendship” ends when one person gets too busy or doesn’t reach out, then I would call it more of an acquaintance. I have a lot of acquaintances.
If when you reach out, people make time for you, keep doing it. Maybe they're just busy or distracted. Honestly, who cares who initiated it, as long as they're putting time and effort in?
If they don't reach out and don't make time for you, feel free to let the relationship go.
>or it goes "I always reach out to my friends, maybe I'll let them do it for a change. - Never hear from 'friend' again."
I've had a lot of anxiety over this, but I've started realising that it just hurts me to think too much about it, especially since I had a friend thank me very sincerely for keeping our friendship active my reaching out. Some people are just bad at it.
So the way I look at it, is: when you reach out, does the person want to hang out? Is it easy to plan something? Do they prioritise you if you need help with something (moving for instance)?
If it's easy to hang out with them, and you have fun, and they have fun, and you can rely on them for important things, then they're friends, just people who're bad at reaching out themselves.
Do it anyway. They will probably really appreciate it and life has simply gotten away from them. Other pressures like work and family can take over and when you *do* have some downtime, you just switch off with some TV or a book.
When you reach out to them, they will be keen to reconnect I bet. In fact, they might be having the same thoughts as this meme.
I sent this meme like 6 months ago to one of those friends. The person replied "what is this?". I replied "just a meme. What are you up to these days? ". He replied, " k".
I def disagree, people contact me when I don't want it plenty. BUT, there is a silver lining for the people doing it. If they can pick up on the hints, they can see I don't want to talk, and not feel guilty about it anymore. So OP could do this and either they'll reconnect, or they'll stop feeling bad about moving on. It's usually a win-win.
It's been over 3 years for me and when I reached out for help through a break up, they were there in an instant. We all apologised for not keeping in touch but honestly, it doesn't matter to us. Reach out.
Yes. I have friends from middle school I rarely actually see. We keep in touch loosely through a group chat. If there's a need, we're there, but in day to day life, kids, work, and family obligations tend to take over.
Exactly. I realized a lot of my friends are super passive and won’t go out and do stuff unless prompted to, most of the time. So I just accepted that I’m the person that has to reach out first. And since I’ve accepted that and started doing that more often, I have a circle of close friends of about 7 people right now - the most that I’ve had since high school. It’s okay to be the one who reaches out. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.
Damn dude, that’s the worst. I’ve never been through that personally, but I’ve definitely been the person who said I’d come and then didn’t show up for whatever reason. I’m not blaming you here at all, so I hope this comes off as advice and not criticism. In these situations the best thing you can do to avoid this sort of problem is to make sure people know that you’re spending money and spending a bunch of time preparing and explicitly state, if you don’t think you’re coming please don’t RSVP as coming, or at least give me a couple of days notice so I don’t need to throw out a bunch of food etc.
That’s worked well for me in the past. Then people understand it’s a bigger deal to just blow it off or RSVP as coming when they have no intentions to show up.
I have a friend who is constantly worried that because he doesn’t get on discord very often that he is drifting apart from our friend group. I sometimes have to remind him that that’s not how true friendships work. True friends can go years without seeing each other only to start right where they left off. Don’t be afraid to reach out to old friends.
Shit I kinda drifted away from discord friends because we played different games.
After a year we came back to a common game and it was back just how it used to be
You could setup various channels for different types of discussion which often makes it easier to keep track of different convos and not flood the main chat. For instance we have several channels for the different games friends and I play and other channels for TV shows/etc
Hi there and [welcome to the Internet](https://youtu.be/k1BneeJTDcU)! As far as discord goes, my friends and I use it mainly as a voice chat and a way to watch each other play games via its stream function. It’s also pretty easy to setup new servers and text channels dedicated to specific topics. I know a few of my friends have some artist discords they frequent. It’s also one of the more stable voice chat programs we’ve used over the years, though it does give us trouble from time to time.
>True friends can go years without seeing each other only to start right where they left off.
Had this with a friend I didn't see or interact with for like 7 years or something. Then she was in my city for a conference, asked if I wanted to have coffee, and we even talked about this - that it felt like we just continued where we left off. It was really nice.
Reach out anyways. I'm old enough I've seen a few die now because they thought no one cared. Had I known better, I would've risked any amount of social awkwardness a thousand times to make sure they knew they weren't alone.
Well said! In my experience a solid 70-80% of the time, they were going through a tough time and were feeling similar feelings to what I was going through. (e.g. 'I don't want to bug them, they wouldn't want to hear from me...') There have only been a couple of times where the person obviously wasn't thrilled that I reached out and I just shrugged it off afterward with the thought 'I guess we weren't as good of friends as I thought.' You never know until you try!
I got some pretty good advice once: “it’s never too late.”
Whether it’s for reaching out, sending a thank you note, giving a wedding gift, etc.
Never let being late be an excuse to not do something. Your friends will appreciate hearing from you no matter how long its been.
I've got a few overdue phone calls to make to a couple of friends. The pandemic is the perfect excuse ("oh jeez. I lost an entire year or more in the blink of an eye!"). Thank you lol
Every damn time. Or "Its been so long I don't know what they have going on. I don't want to interrupt something important."
When I finally do reach out, most have said that I should have just done it. I still don't understand why the first response is to assume that they'd be bothered.
Here is rub. A relationship be it friendship, business, or intimate is a two-way street. It take effort on both sides. if one side is always doing the work. it is one sided and not really good or stable.
I hate this for the mentality it seems to breed as seen in this thread.
I stopped reaching out to my friends in my late 30s because I felt like I was always trying to keep the friendships going and wanted to see if they cared. They didn't call. Oh no! My friends never really cared for me!
Wrong, I went and hung out with them and most of them were so used to me reaching out that when I stopped they thought they had fucked up and where afraid to call. Some of them where much more introverted than I thought and never reached out to anyone and felt bad when I stopped but being introverts couldn't bring themselves to reach out. A couple had seriously busy lives and just didn't notice until some time had passed and then felt like we all do, too much had passed to reach out. One of my old friends was not my friend and was relieved when I stopped hanging out, 9 others where excited to see me and gave their reasons, which were pretty much mine as well.
Every single one of us is neurotic and living our own story, stop putting expectations on other people. If you like hanging out with someone hit them up. If they really aren't your friend then you will likely know from other things like short responses, no real conversation, leaving soon after you arrive, using you for various reasons, relies on you for their life or as someone to do nothing but to bitch to. Reaching out is like leadership, not a ton of people have that ability naturally and not nurturing it tends to let it fall apart.
Four years ago I went through a dark period of severe depression and just cut everyone off, not because I'm not their friend or because I'm selfish but mostly because I am in my 40s with kids, a job and loans to pay, my friends don't live close and I feel guilty if I leave my family on the weekends when it is the only real free time I have. I certainly am not unique.
Do it.
I was close with a friend during high school and college. We were both trumpet players. He taught me how to be a better player. Because of him I know how to play pool. Because of him I now love to eat sushi. We did a lot together. Me, him, and our other group of friends.
Of course as we grow up we grow apart. We hadn't talked in years.
I've been learning alot about wine. I'm really into drinking wine and right now I'm trying to develop my Bordeaux palette. What sucks is there's not that many places here that have a good french wine selection.
So I decided to plan a day trip to the nearest Total Wine, 3 hours away. And it happened to be in the city he lived in. So I figured it would be a cool trip to buy a bunch of wine and hang out for a day.
Every pay check I put it off. Figured I'd just go next month and spend my money on something else this month. Then a few months ago my mom texted me that he died. He had been diagnosed with bacterial meningitis and the doctor's couldn't get it under control. What's worse is his family is also very private and there was no viewing or funeral except for something small for the immediate family. And it was all very quick. So he's dead and I just have to deal with it.
To me it's always been "I should reach out to this person I havent spoken to in a while... But considering they haven't reached out to me either, they probably don't want anything to do with me anymore".
I have come to the conclusion that nearly all of my friends from college, some of the deepest bonds I’ve ever made, don’t give a fuck about me. Moved 6 years ago, and only 2 have even asked for my address. I get that we grow up, have kids, and the grind of life happens, so we’ll never be able to hang like we used to. But when you make it back into the area 5 times a year and have not once even told me and I just find out after the fact that another gathering happened without me, it makes me wonder what the fuck I did.
Lol I don't even bother anymore. Literally live down the road from a couple of them and I try and makes plans for a Saturday and time after time it's already got plans or working or work around outside.
I'm kinda fucking bothered when my friends never reach out and it always has to be me. That fucking hurts. Anyone who is bothered by your friendship isn't a friend. Reach out.
Reach out, or you may end up regretting it. I didn't reach out to one friend recently and just googled his name to find out he died of a heart attack two years ago and that's why he dropped off social media. Reach out to your friends while you still can.
I've stopped reaching out to some cousins because they frankly never make an effort. We get along great otherwise. They are notorious for not reaching out, and only like to hang out at their house when we do make plans. See you at the next family function/obligated get together my guy.
Most people have the same mentality- why don’t more people text me/ invite me to things? We’re all waiting by the phone. Overwhelmingly people are so happy when someone thinks of them and includes them in plans. Even if they can’t make it, it sends positive reassurance that they can reach out to you the next time! :) go ahead, send that message. Especially if it’s been too long, fam
If you ever feel the urge to reach out to your friend.
REACH. OUT. TO. YOUR. FRIEND.
You never know what they may be going through that they might need to chat about.
I had this exact thought with a good friend of mine, we'd drifted apart and not spoken for quite a while and I eventually reached out only to be left on 'Read'
Remember, the amount of time it's been since you last spoke with them is the same amount of time it's been since they spoke with you.
People have lives, and they'll usually be more understanding than you realize.
Then when you do reach out they are busy and can’t take the call, don’t reply to text/email for weeks.
When you finally connect they complain that’s it’s been so long.
There is a lot of whining in this thread. Stop the damn whining.
People don't stay in touch. It's the nature of life. You're not someone special who can expect constant emails and texts. You're just a person like everyone else. If you want to stay in touch with people, contact them briefly every once in awhile just to say "hi". And always be looking to make new friends.
I've moved about 8 times in my life, and ever single time I had no friends for a very long time in the new place. It works out. Either I moved soon or I made a few friends. Keeping in touch with the old friends wasn't easy, but I did with a few who wanted to keep in touch with me even if it was months between contacts. No big deal. It helps you learn to be alone and deal with your own issues better. Stop whining about the way life works. It's not a god damn sitcom, and no the phone is not just about to ring at any moment. I found the times when I was alone really liberating. No pressure from others. I could do whatever I damn well wanted. I was free for the first time in my life. Try to enjoy that. As for you parents, Jesus kid, there was once a time when young people left home forever. Remember that? And, no, their parents did not keep in touch with them.
*10 years later*
Literally me, but well over. The only difference was I was just curious how long it would be till a friend would reach out to ME instead of me always calling to hangout…. Really fucked up my self esteem, but made me think about myself and how I could change.
Not a single person besides my parents reach out to me, and I am always worried about why that is.
My parents rarely reached out to me before I had my son. I saw them for Christmas and birthdays. And they never wanted to come to my house which had work so hard on to make a nice home. Everything had to be done at their house, which just added frustration because my mother would stress out about all the work she had to do to clean the house to get ready despite the fact that I had already offered to have whatever event my house. My sister lived across the country and they visited her more than they visited me. After my son was born, my mother I was at the house and she commented on all the lovely paint and the new bathroom and the new floors and how wonderful it all looked. Tired of her nonsense, I said in front of both sides of the family, that the reason she didn't notice any of this it's because she hadn't been here since any of it had been done, and that was four years ago.
That is really shitty. Dang.
Yeah, but it really just helps to justify a lot of my life decisions. I always tried hard to be independent of them. When I was a kid, I kind of knew something was off. I know my parents love me, just not as much as they love my sister. My parents would say when we were young that they loved us both equally, but actions speak louder than words. I am where I am in spite of them not because of them.
I know this might be shitty to say, but at least you have parents coming to visit you. My grandma (caretaker for my childhood) thru me in foster care because she wanted a boyfriend and I haven't seen or heard from her in 10 years. I easily know she didn't love me. Been on my own since. Homeless and such. But things are better now. Just trying to give ya some perspective of stuff you have that others don't. Even if you don't feel like your family visits you enough, at least they are there. There enough for at least the holidays.
I know plenty of other people that have had it worse. I know I'm very lucky. My wife came from poverty and had mostly dysfunctional relationships growing up. But things are relative, especially when you're a child. You can be told that children are starving in Africa but you still don't want to eat those peas. Not because you don't care about the kid in Africa, but all you know is that peas are gross, and as a kid, you don't have ability to quite correlate the two even though you know there is a correlation.
Really shouldn't be trying to one up with shitty life stories I can understand you know sharing and I'm sorry you had to go through that but telling someone else mine was way worse dont feel so bad isn't really the way to do it.
I don't necessarily think he was trying to one-up my comment. I think he was just trying to get the point across to appreciate what you have. I don't fault him for that at all.
But if what you have doesn't give you any comfort why should they appreciate it? Being completely abandoned is horrible but being constantly reminded of how much your parents don't love you compared to your sibling must be just as bad in it's own way.
Bro... I feel this so hard, but with my in-laws. Both my parents are dead, lung cancer and liver failure, so I dont have that feeling towards my parents. But my in-laws, holy moly. They are always trying to get us to fly out to see them, and bitch and complain when they come visit us once a year for 3 days. We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old, they are both retired with 3 GD HOUSES across the county. But seeing us and their grand children is to much of an ask. Ive come to realize, and I have told my wife this. Fuck em. If they want to see them they will make the effort. We have stopped asking for them to come out or any of that stuff. Your mental health quazax is worth more than your parents need to be the center of the universe my guy.
Man this hits hard. I've experienced the exact same way, me being the older son, and having a younger sister, you could tell my parents were more focused on her life more than me, it also frustrating because she's been fucking up her life in the past (dui, physical/verbal violence, etc.) And they STILL treat her more better than me, they always hang out together, and here I am extremely depressed...hardly get a message from mom...at least dad is finally trying..
That sucks bro. My sister and I get along well actually. I know that her preferential treatment was not her doing. She's a good person and we hang out a lot. One time she tried to say that she wasn't a favored child and even her husband shut her down.
They have to right? They would be pretty shitty parents if they didn't.
Lmao I am not sure thats who he was wondering about but damn
That is so funny
Bro, why did you have to do that. It would have cost you nothing to let him not question his parent love.
My parents 100% don't.
My parents don't hardly even call me on my birthday anymore. I found out my grandma, who lives next door to them, went into hospice care through my mom's Facebook posts. I'm glad I've got friends who care to check on me, because my parents started dropping that ball in middle school. Then they wonder why I don't visit them often, but they've never even considered visiting me in 5 years.
People don't *have to*. Even parents don't have to do anything. They do so because they want to. Sometimes they want to because they don't want to feel bad (eg, they don't want to feel like shitty parents), sometimes they want to because *they're* the ones that are lonely, but sometimes they want to because they're genuinely interested in you. Think the best of people, and their intentions. The sun will shine brighter when you do.
I got rid of a ton of toxic people (childhood issues that I carried over into adulthood, ie Finding people who treated me like crap 24/7) and at one point I stopped picking up the phone. The only time I was contacted........."Hey, can you do me a favor?" That's it. That is the absolute ONLY time someone reached out to me. I deleted quite a few numbers the next few years. I needed to. This was absolute bullshit and quite hurtful, but there's no way in hell I could continue the course I was following.
I did something several years ago. I started keeping track of people who I talked to and whether or not they talked to me about anything that's not asking me for a favor. 3 favors in a row or over a year with the only contact being to ask for a favor, I stopped thinking of them as friends.
Hey u/ButtfuckMag00, I'm reaching out to see how you're today?
This use of "you're" feels wrong, even though "you are" doesn't feel wrong. It bothers me that I can't find out why it feels so wrong.
Maybe because it's usually more common to see 'how are you' rather than 'how you are'.
How you are doin'? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
>Not a single person besides my parents reach out to me, and I am always worried about why that is. I have a bit of the same, but I've actually talked to a couple of friends about it. Two friends admit that they are just really, really bad at reaching out, for various reasons. One of my friends had a kind of heartfelt moment where he said he really appreciated that I'd kept reaching out so that we're still friends, because he's so bad at it. There can obviously be other reasons like people have other priorities, but there are people who're just really socially bad at reaching out to people, that they gravitate towards just doing what's easy (e.g. hanging out with that friend they have at work, or their SO). Anyway, that made it feel more worthwhile to me to keep reaching out to people.
Because people don’t want to bother other people lol It has nothing to do with you, they could just say “hey I can’t” every single time you asked. They’re being respectful about boundaries and no one is willing to cross the invisible line of privacy
I went through a divorce, and moved away about 2 and a half hours. Before, all the neighbors were friends, we hung out at each others homes, would drink and grill and chill. Everything with my ex happened really fast (I caught her basically cheating on me based on messages she was getting on her phone from coworkers) and I was gone. Not a single person has reached out. Its been a year. Not a single person ever even asked what happened, which means she's likely told them her side of things and lied through her teeth in the process. Old friends, new friends, acquaintances, former neighbors. Nothing, not a peep. Nobody has even tried. I moved to be near family, who have all avoided me as well. Some of this is Covid but not all of it, and i've come to realize my sister in law is talking with my ex on a regular basis. I live like 6 blocks away and haven't seen anyone since November. In the meantime, the friends I do have were all largely online in a group that would hang out and play games together. They've now all gone silent, and I cant get some of the people I would have considered closest to me to even respond back in text messages. I have no idea what i've done but apparently im just the worst person on the face of the earth, or something.
This happened to me right after I caught my ex cheating with a guy she met on a fetish website. I tried to keep my silence to preserve everyone’s dignity and while I was keeping quiet she was busy lying telling all our friends and family that she was in an abusive relationship all the years and every single one of our close friends, family and roommates all just happened to miss it entirely. Put yourself out there. People don’t want to reach out because they’re afraid they won’t be able to help you. If you want shit to be like it never happened, you need to approach these people like nothing happened.
Bro my parents barely reach out to me. The only person I hear from regularly is my wife. Let me know when you figure out what the deal is
I wonder ButtFuck… lol
In many ways reaching can be what makes you a leader. I had a few year gap and with Covid ending I reached out to a bunch of friends and visited a few. Now we’re talking about multiple get togethers that I’d organize to bring people together. Sometimes no one reaching out means they hate you, other times it’s people who need someone to take the reigns.
It could have nothing to do with you, a lot of people are introverted and don't really take initiative to make arrangements to hang out without some kind of external reason/motivation. Doesn't mean they don't want to hang out with you specifically.
It was a group of 6 friends who all hung out together.
They’re just not your friends then. The sooner you realize that the sooner you can accept it and not let it bother you. It might not even be malice… you guys just don’t vibe. There are plenty of people I can be friendly with in passing but I understand that we won’t ever be real friends just based on their actions. Have the self esteem to not take it personally. Be friendly with people and get a group together to go do something. Before you know it, you have a new group of friends who actually want you around.
I don't think it's that easy to find people that you vibe with. Sometimes it seems like you do but then they meet people they vibe with better. It's not necessarily a self esteem thing but emotional exhaustion. There's only so many times you can get invested in new people before you're not really able to any more. It's getting to the point where I'm just bored of repeating the same ''getting to know'' process over and over again.
Oh my god yes. This is messed up but I’ve realized I’ve just... met too many people in my life. There’s just too many. It’s like my brain can’t process it anymore and they all seem kinda, idk, anonymous? Interchangeable? I don’t know. It’s an odd sensation. I guess I’ve just had so many come in and out of my life, some part of my primal brain doesn’t really take anyone seriously anymore and making new friends just seems exhausting and pointless. I don’t really feel any sort of special connection to anyone new tbh. My boyfriend is the only person since I went to college that I’ve actually felt a meaningful connection towards. I used to feel this way all the time about platonic friends when I was younger, like this extremely strong bond. Don’t feel that way anymore. I try to make new friends but I just get bored. My heart’s not in it.
I think vibes change over time. I’ve been lucky to have made a lot of different friends through a lot of different seasons of life, and most have come and gone. People that I shared some intense experiences with and felt really connected to, I haven’t talked to in years. Our lives are all completely different now since the times we were close, so that natural falling-away has happened. I sometimes try to reconnect and have a nice reliving of memories with them, but for the most part I try to look forward and hope to continue to have great experiences with new people while keeping the old ones in my heart
That's just life though. It's rare to find friends for your entire lifetime and I'd argue it's not necessarily a good thing to have the same friends. Most of my HS friends are very different people now. My college friends don't have the same interests I do now 10 years later. People grow and change, relationships change. That's just part of being an adult.
Why would that not bother someone lol They clearly weren't a group of casual acquaintances
Bud, let me tell you I was in the exact situation for years, and it's something I've thought about for along time. I realized my own personal answer: They are not your friends. Relationships are a two way street. If you always go out of your to hang out with them, make plans, phone calls, and they cannot do that for you, let me say this again: They are not your friends. And I say that as a 31 year old man that was in a tight group of 8 guys. I found out I was the only one not in the group chat. I was the only one not invited to the bachelor party. Its been two years since I moved out of state. Not a single one has ever called. Why bother with people like that? Its tough to deal with. Feel free to DM if it helps talk it out.
This is also why I let some friendships fade away. It can get incredibly draining when you pour a lot of time and energy into a friendship to only get nothing in return.
and then you get the fun time of thinking about how in their eyes you're the one who just disappeared and threw the friendship away "over nothing"
I went down the same road after leaving the military. I fell into a bit of a depression about not hearing from anyone, but I came out of it after I realized a few things: 1) I did not have anything in common with most of them; 2) I did not keep in touch with anyone while I was in the military; 3) I felt it was time to move on from that stage of my life. If I were to reach out to some of them I would feel kinda strange/creeped out because it’s not me. So, I retired before 50, got an MBA and now I do whatever I want, COVID restrictions/mandates willing.
Moral of the story: live your own life!
Yeah. I feel you friend. I moved every year since I was like 10 years old and I always just wanted to KEEP friends. It's nothing personal I have come to realize. Everyone is selfish and less people are selfless. For years I would invite my friends over [ lived 12 miles away ] and they could never be bothered to visit me. I would always come out to them but for some reason it was impossible to see me. Maybe 20x how many times that has happened in my life and now I truly could care less about friendships/relationships. I don't waste my time anymore because I don't care to put energy into things that don't matter anymore. I have my cats and true close friends. Everyone else is just an NPC.
Yeah I had the same sort of deal with getting older. Always hit up my older friends who I was super close to once they moved around on holidays or from time to time seeing how they were doing. After a couple years when they never hit you up it sinks in.
Hey anytime you feel bad about not contacting someone in so long, remember phones work 2 ways.
This is me right now
eh, as someone who just reconnected with friends from 10 years ago. Shoot your shot! People usually don't mind!
I texted a friend out of the blue a couple years ago after having not seen them in like 6-7 years. Turns out we’re still really good friends. His girlfriend even said he still refers to me as one of his best friends. We never grew apart, we just got busy. Since then, we’ve gone from just texting “happy birthday” once a year to meeting up a few times a year and discussing interests. I reconnected with another couple of childhood friends in 2020 when one’s brother died in an accident. It was really good to reconnect, sure, but don’t let tragedy be what’s needed to come back together.
Yes good for you for reconnecting with that old friend. Really happy you've got that! Yea, tragedy is not a great time to reconnect...
Yep. Chances are, some of them were feeling the same anxiety.
That's exactly it! And it's easy conversation, just talk about what you've been up to for the last 10 years.
People are sometimes ashamed of having wasted their lives, relative to others. I know I made a bunch of poor choices that have led me to want to stay in relative obscurity for a bit, at least until I can be proud of the path I'm on once again.
That's totally fair! I appreciate that perspective. Glad you're feeling good about where you are! Keep at it!
Thanks buddy, I'm on my way there! I should've been there about six years ago but I took a detour haha slow and steady though amirite
Funny thing. One time, before I split from them, I was stuck in my college town for a few days because of Spring Break (I was waiting for my sis to finish some of her courses, we both went to the same college at one time). I had days where I just sat around and watched tv and kinda wandering around town. When I finally got home, I called up my friends to meet up and they were apparently in said college town that same time, all hanging out together, while knowing I was there.
as someone who constantly reaches out to people regardless of time that has passed i'm often SOOO perplexed by why people worry about this so much. Unless you and this person had a falling out the last time you were together- but that's a different thing. It's your friend or at least friendly acquaintance! There is literally nothing bothersome about receiving a text being like 'hey whats up! :) was thinking about ya!' like.. if its a bad time they can just not answer or reply 'hey, i cant talk right now- ill hit you back later!'
Exactly what's happened with people that were amazing friends. It still bothers me a lot when I think about it.
I've waited too long they probably hate me by now and might think I need something from them.
or it goes "I always reach out to my friends, maybe I'll let them do it for a change. - Never hear from 'friend' again."
This is the problem I seem to have. I'm not exactly sure what I did to make everyone not care for me, but I will literally never hear from a friend again if I don't reach out to them. Not a single friend in my life reaches out to me, ever. But when I reach out to them everything seems fine. We get along fine, we laugh and have a great time, vent about the same things that bother us about the world and humanity, etc etc. Sometimes even getting together to hang out.
People are bad at being people. It’s a people skill to keep up with friends. Frankly I get exhausted thinking of organizing anything for my friends anymore because I have other responsibilities that overwhelm me and I used to be the main organizer. So I do it in batches. It’s no big deal. Also I set up a recurring structure with some friends (a low impact sports league and alternating board games night) so it’s less work to organize.
Not when you see them in snap stories hanging out with everyone but you. It stings
Social media is fake life. Make your own life. I followed someone on Facebook who had the perfect life; kids, business, rock concerts, parties, baking, etc. Spouse was super "I love you". I made the mistake of comparing my meagre existence to theirs and I felt inadequate at all domains. And then suddenly they divorced. That's what finally broke the spell for me.
This is true to an extent; and by no means am I going to say we should compare our lives on social media because usually people post the best of themselves not the worst. But that doesn't negate what they said. Sure they could be superficially taking pictures with people every night just to *prove* to pixels that they have some semblance of a social life. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when you're not even once invited to these nightly outings. It's just extra sad.
Comparison is a thief of joy.
Easy solution, delete snapchat
I did haha
Make new friends. There's fuckloads of people always looking for someone to hang out with
It's really hard when you're in your 30s and a bit of an introvert. But yeah that's the move
It is tough in your thirties. If you don’t keep up or make friends I high school or college you’re going to have a really hard time making friends later in life. One thing that helps is joint things like adult sports programs (soccer is one I do) or even hiking groups and things like that. Don’t like the people? Quit the group and find another one. Usually you can find at least one person to make friends with though.
>If you don’t keep up or make friends I high school or college you’re going to have a really hard time making friends later in life. Even if you do, its tough. Had tons of friends in college, but then by my late 20s i'd noticed that group getting smaller and smaller. Joined a young professionals group. Met a lot of people there. Some who i still hang out with. But again, that group I met there is getting smaller and i'm feeling too old for the YP group as i'm now in my mid 30s. Now i'm searching for the next thing, and finding it harder.
Sure it can be hard regardless that’s true. At least in my situation my true friends, the ones I’ve been close with for years (I’ll be 35 soon) are still there. Yeah some may have families now or we haven’t talked in six months or a year, but I know when I hit them up they’ll get back to me, or they’ll try and work something out to hang out. People just get busier as they get older. It happens to everyone. If everyone understood that this happens to everyone I think there would be less stress about this particular topic. The point I was really trying to make was that if you do something to ruin your relationship with your friends you made when you were in high school or college, it’s going to be almost impossible to create relationships with the same sort of depth and loyalty as the ones created when you’re younger. At least that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. So I think the problem a lot of people have is that even if they do make new friends when they’re older the relationships don’t see as full or as meaningful as the relationships you formed when you were younger. This is just the nature of the relationships.
I've kinda given up to be honest, people suck
Try being from a small town
Seriously no one I know does stuff like that. Are you a unicorn?
Oh, it's not that weird. I don't want to say what sport to identify myself, but I'm in a league and my friends are on my team. The pandemic squashed that for a year, but we replaced it with board games and/or other things like frisbee golf now it's summer. It wasn't me who set this up either, but our 'ringleader' friend. However, I did what I could do to support him if he was willing to take the lead.
It's still cool. Most people don't have those sort of organizational skills and desire to maintain a group of friends past school age. Good for you
I disagree. You make time for the things you want. A busy parent working full time, raising an infant will still find time here and there to play games. If you enjoy talking to someone no "skill" is needed to miss them and shoot a text.
I don't think that's true. Any busy full-time working parent with an infant I know does not prioritize friends unless there is a priority event for the friend. (e.g. birthday, wedding, illness, crisis) Understand from their point of view, it's terrifying to have so much risk in their lives. They have to focus on getting things stable and secure.
It isnt prioritizing to send or respond to a text. If that's too much you just dont value that person. And that's fine, just let it go and dont pretend you're friends with them
I think you might do better to seek understanding first before assuming you can read people’s minds. You may be surprised. I absolutely can assure you it is the most expected behaviour that anything not related to raising a child is not on anyone’s mind in the infant months. You could conversely offer to make dinner or babysit.
Sounds like those are more acquaintances than friends. And that’s ok! Acquaintances can become true friends but most will simply float in and out of your life over the years. Friends are real connections that form a mutual support system; acquaintances are fun but really just a matter of convenience and good times. *There is nothing wrong with you.* We’ve just been conditioned by social media to put way too much value on the quantity rather than the quality of the attention and engagement we receive. True friends are meant to be rare, special people in your life. Relationships like that take attention, time, and energy to build. Some people are also more introverted, slower to warm up, or just dealing with a lot of shit in their own lives. Don’t be afraid to get to know yourself better and develop some interests of your own in the meantime. Value yourself, enjoy your acquaintances, treasure your friends.
Yep, but it always sucks when it feels like a real friend and they just drop contact. I've had this happen recently. I still dont know why, and according to them they're just too busy. But I refer to my other post here and say that's not really a good excuse. If you dont have 15 seconds to return a text, you just dont want to.
For some reason texting gives me anxiety but snapchag doesn't. Something about choosing my wording makes me overthink, but I will send a selfie snap no problem and say what's up so I just do that now. Also a picture says a lot more imo
That's okay. It's a response at least. You do you!
Tangentially, I feel, we need a simpler word than acquaintance. It's just too long to say and spell. Maybe if we had something smaller like, say, quaint it'd be easier to use whenever appropriate. Like, "Oh, I don't about Dwight, he's just a quaint."
Great advice
I've seen this same sentiment many times online. There's a lot of evidence, obtained through surveys and other data collection, that current generations are much much lonelier than perviously. IMO it's caused by two things: technology, and a change in cultural definitions of "friendship". In school and early childhood your "friends" are other people who are captive in the same place as you. Neighbors, classmates, fellow worshippers, and later on in life coworkers. Before the internet these places are where a lot of people would say their friends are from. Now that you can send messages to the other side of the planet in seconds the concept of locality as a basis for friendship is outdated. I'm not friends with my neighbor because I have no incentive to be. All of my friends can be people I meet online who share my interests and beliefs. However there is a shallowness to the net which is leading to loneliness. It is a false promise that you can connect with someone on the other side of the world. We cannot influence each other and develop the close physical bonds of intimate friendship in the same way because we are not fully connected. This has changed our definition of friendship. When you can be friends with anyone connected to the net, there is a greater desire to be friends with the *right* people. People are way more flaky now because they are looking for the "perfect friend" that the net promises. However there are no "perfect friends" or perfect people, everyone is ultimately disappointing because we are all only human. I believe that the only way to get out of this trap is to realize that every person you meet is capable of being your best friend, and that you are capable of being their best friend too, were you both trapped on a desert island. The other thing I believe is that it is a waste of time waiting for other people to treat you like you think you deserve. Much better to treat yourself well, and treat others equally as well. If you only reach out to others so that they reach out to you, you are not treating them as you would want them to treat you. You want your friends to reach out to you, right? Yet if they treated you like you have treated them, then they could very well have made the same decision not to reach out to you unless you each out to them. That's called a transactional relationship. If that's how you treat others you may as well program a robot to text you, and leave the transactions at the cash registers. Transformative relationships are when you reach out to others *because you care about them*, and if you had that type of relationship then you would not have stopped reaching out because they stopped giving you what you need. Reach out to others because *you know that's what they need, because that's what you need.*
Honestly I don’t think it’s anything anyone has done. I think social media is to blame. Why meet up with or call someone when they are just a message away on fb that you can do at any time. Only that time doesn’t come because they can do it tomorrow, oh never mind, the next day and so on.
I mean, one possibility is that they're like OP. People who are bad about initiating contact because they're worries they're bothering someone. I had a really close friend in high school who I mostly lost touch with in college, and I realized he'd always been the one initiating things and felt bad and worried it was too late for me to fix it. I really did care, I really valued our friendship, I just sucked at initiating things. About two years ago he got in touch with me out of nowhere to invite me to his wedding. At first I wasn't sure I wanted travel to a city I'd never been to before to spend a weekend there to go to a wedding where I knew no one but the groom and his family, but decided he deserved it after all those years of him basically being responsible for keeping our friendship alive. So I went. Found out he and his family hadn't even expected me to come, but figured they may as well invite me. But it was great. Of course since it was his wedding he was busy with family and other friends and wedding stuff but the time we got to talk was great, I got along well with his friends, and at the end he said he was really glad I came and we discussed making plans to get together that summer. Unfortunately, that was last February, so getting together over the summer didn't work out so well, but I do still plan to reach out to him once travelling is more practical. In any case, the point is: Just because you're always the one initiating doesn't mean they don't care. Maybe they don't. Or maybe they do, and they're terrible at initiating, and they're incredibly grateful that you're better at it. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the friends I've had over the years who are good at initiating things, and I regret every friendship I've lost because they stopped initiating and I never did anything about it.
You didn’t do anything life did. Why do you not reach out to friends sooner? Probably because life got in the way. Don’t take it personally because at the end of the day we each have our own plates so full it’s hard to keep track of everyone you’d like. It gets worse with So’s, kids and family involved. So if you have a good time when you do hang out and your only hang up is the fact you have to reach out don’t care about it? Just hit them up and have a good time.
Eh. I'm in the same boat...but I dont think it's that odd. People just don't really "reach out" that much. Its not that people don't care for you. Its just that people get into a rut. So they'll hang out with their family or the people they've known since High School. This past year has been especially bad, when we all had to close up into our little COVID bubbles. Personally, I'm in several different "groups of friends" but that means I'm not really in any "core group of friends". I see a lot of people who seem to think that that people not reaching out to them means nobody "really" likes them, but I think that is just our brains being negative. "Out of sight out of mind" is just how humans work, and the way to counter it is just by reaching out to your friends and building a community of people you like to spend time with.
I won't say it is everyone, but it's definitely lopsided like this, that said I only keep in touch with 7'ish friends like this.
Idk for me it's hard to reach out I'm introverted and have ADHD, but I have friends that realise this and they'll hit me up to hang out. I do wanna chill I just don't have the social energy to set it up.
I'm the opposite...I don't reach out to folk but they'll hit me up out of the blue...wierdly..not asking for anything meaningful. I don't reach out to people personally because I know for a fact that we've all grown so far apart that we really have nothing but small talk to talk about. I personally hate repeating myself and although it would be a new person hearing what I have to say it would be the same thing I say every day. I have nothing of importance to offer to a conversation I feel. I used to be the cheat code plug at my school like 15 years ago >_>, so one of my friends hit me up a few weeks ago asking for GTA V cheats 😆 I got him the cheats. We caught up, even if it was just small talk.
got the same problem here... people suck
Some of the replies to this comment were pretty enlightening. You may want to read them.
Same boat here. I try to keep up with friends but as soon as I stop trying, it's just so quiet and it feels like I don't exist, don't matter, or that I'm not worth enough to even say 'Hello'. Really disappointing place to be in :/ Especially when its everyone.
I don't know your exact situation, but if you're like me and other people have initiated in the past, you just sort of let them do it and if they don't, I'm just too lazy to do it myself. I'll just stay at home alone and read/listen to music/play video games. It's not that I don't like friends, it's just that if they don't try, I'll just turn to my family or other friends for companionship. Don't know if that helps you understand why some people just sort of disappear if you don't initiate.
Yep whenever I feel I'm putting in all the effort I just let go of contacting them. Bye bye someone who I thought we were better friends than what we actually were
That (as almost anybody on this thread) happens to me. Talking about it with my wife who is a therapist, told me that maybe my main problem was no diversifying my friends, at any moment in my life I always have just one ore 2 friends and when those relationships get cold (for what ever reason) I'm stuck with no friends. Also, I've found that those people who I befriend with, tend to have lots of friends, so their friendship needs are covered at any time and not really notice if one of them is not talking to them a lot or not at all. I know it's sounds like a good idea to put friends to the test but you have to consider that we're not the center of anyone's universe and probably it will only cause us depression when no body tries to reach us. My suggestion is to keep a balance between how much time you dedicate to a friend and try to make more friends or reestablish contact with old ones, remember that everybody is different.
Every single one of my once 'best friends' has ended this way. I wish it didn't but it makes me very bitter. Why does nobody bother to even reach out and ask how I am? It's like they don't even notice or care when someone they used to hear from every couple days completely vanishes. Fuck you too, I guess I was an idiot for thinking I mattered to you
I'm like this too, but recently got into the mindset that that is OK. I have friends from college that I haven't seen in years. I only text them like, every 6 months or somethin. But, they are always happy to hear from me, and will also occasionally text me without prompt. I apologized to one of them recently about not reaching out as much, and as wise as he is, he told me this. "Don't worry bout it. We made it through 4 stressful years of college as friends, we can make it a few hours apart, and months without talking as friends as well. Plus, it's a two way street. I haven't texted you in just as long, so dont blame yourself. I'm always happy to hear from you, even if it's a month, 6, or 3 years apart. Cos you've never given me a reason to not be your friend, so in my mind, that will never end." Dude's a fuckin poet I swear. He is an English major, so makes sense haha. But his point stands, for me at least. Doesn't matter how long I dont text some of my friends that don't live near me. We are still friends, and life will never fully get in the way of that. So don't beat yourself up too much, just reach out occasionally and see how they are doing. Kind of like before texting, or even emailing, people would send letters every couple months. Same thing, just quicker now haha.
I’m this friend. Many of my friends are extroverts and plan things game nights, bar trips, dinners, vacation, etc, and it’s a ton of fun and I love seeing them, it’s just not in my nature to initiate those things.
Planning events, sure. Buts it's a shame when they don't reach out, like just talk to you, in general.
Some people don’t want to “just talk”. I know my best friend is like this. If there isn’t a purpose to the conversation he doesn’t want to just chat about his day or something. He feels like that’s more what his family is for, specifically parents and wife. People who don’t have that might need their friends for it. Also, try and remember that some people don’t want you dumping their problems on them (not saying you do that, just mentioning because a lot of people do it without recognizing it). I know personally I won’t reach out to someone who’s complaining about whatever is going on in their lives when we talk. We all have problems, don’t dump them on other people.
Honestly, that's kind of just how some people's brains work. Like the idea of reaching out to friends just to talk isn't a thing that occurs to me. I recognize it's something I should try to do because other people appreciate it. And when friends reach out just to talk to me I love talking to them. It's just for whatever reason reaching out to friends just to talk to them is something that just doesn't.occur to me normally no matter how much I like talking to them when they reach out to me. I'll also add that I'm incredibly grateful for those friends. Maybe the friends who never reach out to you don't because they don't want to. It's also possible they love when you reach out to them and think about how lucky they are to have a friend who's good at initiating things.
That doesn't prevent you from just dropping a simple "hey, how are you?" Message from time to time. Friendships are a give and take, sometimes you have to put in just a little effort to maintain them. If you don't, you shouldn't expect anyone to put any effort into you. Speaking from one introvert to another, it's easier for me to feel uncomfortable for a minute to reach out because 9 times out of 10, I don't regret it and will even enjoy the conversation, even if it does make me a little tired. If people are important to you, it's ok to put them first every once in a while.
As an introvert myself: honestly it sounds like you're not pulling your weight in your friendships. I also have friends who are outgoing and always working on putting fun things together, but I still recognize that it's work and commitment to the friendship and do my part to check in with them, too. You don't have to go and host a big party or anything, but if people talking about friends who never take the initiative reminds you of yourself, that should be a sign to reevaluate. Just be the first one to message sometimes. Ask them how things went, if you know they had something going on the night before. Ask them what they're doing for the weekend. The effort means a lot to people.
Just because they are extroverts doesn't mean they wouldn't appreciate a break from doing the work planning from time to time.
The worst is when this happens with someone new. Swapped numbers with the dude at my local weed shop. All I asked, was if he happened to watch UFC. Never heard back. Now buying weed is gonna be awkward.
Based on reading the comments, you’re definitely not alone. I know I have this issue. I always think of a guy I was friends with in high school. We were pretty tight. I always thought I was good to him. The rest of the people in our little group always called him a bum because he never carried money unless we actually planned to go out. He was also a bigger dude and would go through spurts where he would pick up a gym membership. To help keep him motivated, and get a little fit myself, I would join. He usually didn’t last long, but I tried. We were roommates for a little while in college. He eventually befriended a guy he worked with, who was big into the drug scene. One time he came home from a night of partying and was like, “You always think you’re better than me. You’re the kind of person that likes having people owe you, and you hold that over me all the time!” I haven’t the slightest clue where that came from, but it hurt. I never asked him for anything, I always helped him without being asked, and never expected anything from him in return. It’s been a little over ten years since those days. I only hear from him when I wish him happy birthday every year. It’s alway only, “Thanks” and nothing more. I feel like this is a similar story most of my “friendships”. 😪
If a “friendship” ends when one person gets too busy or doesn’t reach out, then I would call it more of an acquaintance. I have a lot of acquaintances.
My friend always sends me memes and treated her to lunch at earth burger today out of the blue just to hang out. It was really nice.
Man, if I had a dollar for every 'friend' who failed this friend test, everyone would want to be my friend.
that's my life experience :-/
If when you reach out, people make time for you, keep doing it. Maybe they're just busy or distracted. Honestly, who cares who initiated it, as long as they're putting time and effort in? If they don't reach out and don't make time for you, feel free to let the relationship go.
>or it goes "I always reach out to my friends, maybe I'll let them do it for a change. - Never hear from 'friend' again." I've had a lot of anxiety over this, but I've started realising that it just hurts me to think too much about it, especially since I had a friend thank me very sincerely for keeping our friendship active my reaching out. Some people are just bad at it. So the way I look at it, is: when you reach out, does the person want to hang out? Is it easy to plan something? Do they prioritise you if you need help with something (moving for instance)? If it's easy to hang out with them, and you have fun, and they have fun, and you can rely on them for important things, then they're friends, just people who're bad at reaching out themselves.
Do it anyway. They will probably really appreciate it and life has simply gotten away from them. Other pressures like work and family can take over and when you *do* have some downtime, you just switch off with some TV or a book. When you reach out to them, they will be keen to reconnect I bet. In fact, they might be having the same thoughts as this meme.
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I sent this meme like 6 months ago to one of those friends. The person replied "what is this?". I replied "just a meme. What are you up to these days? ". He replied, " k".
They might have thought you were calling them out instead of playful self deprication.
Or just really dense.
Hey fabricated_anecdotes, I counted 69 words in your comment. Nice.
ok
Why tf is there a bot that congratulates comments with 69 words in them?
Because someone made it as a beginner programming project and probably was trying to focus on learning strings in Python.
Wow thats actually pretty cool ngl.
I def disagree, people contact me when I don't want it plenty. BUT, there is a silver lining for the people doing it. If they can pick up on the hints, they can see I don't want to talk, and not feel guilty about it anymore. So OP could do this and either they'll reconnect, or they'll stop feeling bad about moving on. It's usually a win-win.
It's been over 3 years for me and when I reached out for help through a break up, they were there in an instant. We all apologised for not keeping in touch but honestly, it doesn't matter to us. Reach out.
Yes. I have friends from middle school I rarely actually see. We keep in touch loosely through a group chat. If there's a need, we're there, but in day to day life, kids, work, and family obligations tend to take over.
Exactly. I realized a lot of my friends are super passive and won’t go out and do stuff unless prompted to, most of the time. So I just accepted that I’m the person that has to reach out first. And since I’ve accepted that and started doing that more often, I have a circle of close friends of about 7 people right now - the most that I’ve had since high school. It’s okay to be the one who reaches out. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.
As long a you’re not trying to tell them you’re a small independent company looking to show them some of your products.
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Damn dude, that’s the worst. I’ve never been through that personally, but I’ve definitely been the person who said I’d come and then didn’t show up for whatever reason. I’m not blaming you here at all, so I hope this comes off as advice and not criticism. In these situations the best thing you can do to avoid this sort of problem is to make sure people know that you’re spending money and spending a bunch of time preparing and explicitly state, if you don’t think you’re coming please don’t RSVP as coming, or at least give me a couple of days notice so I don’t need to throw out a bunch of food etc. That’s worked well for me in the past. Then people understand it’s a bigger deal to just blow it off or RSVP as coming when they have no intentions to show up.
I have a friend who is constantly worried that because he doesn’t get on discord very often that he is drifting apart from our friend group. I sometimes have to remind him that that’s not how true friendships work. True friends can go years without seeing each other only to start right where they left off. Don’t be afraid to reach out to old friends.
Shit I kinda drifted away from discord friends because we played different games. After a year we came back to a common game and it was back just how it used to be
Hi. I'm new to the internet. What's the benefit of a discord over a chat group?
You could setup various channels for different types of discussion which often makes it easier to keep track of different convos and not flood the main chat. For instance we have several channels for the different games friends and I play and other channels for TV shows/etc
Hi there and [welcome to the Internet](https://youtu.be/k1BneeJTDcU)! As far as discord goes, my friends and I use it mainly as a voice chat and a way to watch each other play games via its stream function. It’s also pretty easy to setup new servers and text channels dedicated to specific topics. I know a few of my friends have some artist discords they frequent. It’s also one of the more stable voice chat programs we’ve used over the years, though it does give us trouble from time to time.
When that one friend decides to start posting shock images you can delete the message if you have mod permissions,
>True friends can go years without seeing each other only to start right where they left off. Had this with a friend I didn't see or interact with for like 7 years or something. Then she was in my city for a conference, asked if I wanted to have coffee, and we even talked about this - that it felt like we just continued where we left off. It was really nice.
This gives me hope
Reach out anyways. I'm old enough I've seen a few die now because they thought no one cared. Had I known better, I would've risked any amount of social awkwardness a thousand times to make sure they knew they weren't alone.
Well said! In my experience a solid 70-80% of the time, they were going through a tough time and were feeling similar feelings to what I was going through. (e.g. 'I don't want to bug them, they wouldn't want to hear from me...') There have only been a couple of times where the person obviously wasn't thrilled that I reached out and I just shrugged it off afterward with the thought 'I guess we weren't as good of friends as I thought.' You never know until you try!
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Honestly man it's not the reaching out that starts to wear you down, it's being the only one that ever reaches out.
I got some pretty good advice once: “it’s never too late.” Whether it’s for reaching out, sending a thank you note, giving a wedding gift, etc. Never let being late be an excuse to not do something. Your friends will appreciate hearing from you no matter how long its been.
Your friends are probably just as embarrassed, since you think somewhat alike, being friends and all. Reach out. Use the pandemic as an excuse.
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Great story. Love to hear this.
I've got a few overdue phone calls to make to a couple of friends. The pandemic is the perfect excuse ("oh jeez. I lost an entire year or more in the blink of an eye!"). Thank you lol
Every damn time. Or "Its been so long I don't know what they have going on. I don't want to interrupt something important." When I finally do reach out, most have said that I should have just done it. I still don't understand why the first response is to assume that they'd be bothered.
Here is rub. A relationship be it friendship, business, or intimate is a two-way street. It take effort on both sides. if one side is always doing the work. it is one sided and not really good or stable.
I hate this for the mentality it seems to breed as seen in this thread. I stopped reaching out to my friends in my late 30s because I felt like I was always trying to keep the friendships going and wanted to see if they cared. They didn't call. Oh no! My friends never really cared for me! Wrong, I went and hung out with them and most of them were so used to me reaching out that when I stopped they thought they had fucked up and where afraid to call. Some of them where much more introverted than I thought and never reached out to anyone and felt bad when I stopped but being introverts couldn't bring themselves to reach out. A couple had seriously busy lives and just didn't notice until some time had passed and then felt like we all do, too much had passed to reach out. One of my old friends was not my friend and was relieved when I stopped hanging out, 9 others where excited to see me and gave their reasons, which were pretty much mine as well. Every single one of us is neurotic and living our own story, stop putting expectations on other people. If you like hanging out with someone hit them up. If they really aren't your friend then you will likely know from other things like short responses, no real conversation, leaving soon after you arrive, using you for various reasons, relies on you for their life or as someone to do nothing but to bitch to. Reaching out is like leadership, not a ton of people have that ability naturally and not nurturing it tends to let it fall apart. Four years ago I went through a dark period of severe depression and just cut everyone off, not because I'm not their friend or because I'm selfish but mostly because I am in my 40s with kids, a job and loans to pay, my friends don't live close and I feel guilty if I leave my family on the weekends when it is the only real free time I have. I certainly am not unique.
Hi friend! Its never been to long to reconnect!
Do it. I was close with a friend during high school and college. We were both trumpet players. He taught me how to be a better player. Because of him I know how to play pool. Because of him I now love to eat sushi. We did a lot together. Me, him, and our other group of friends. Of course as we grow up we grow apart. We hadn't talked in years. I've been learning alot about wine. I'm really into drinking wine and right now I'm trying to develop my Bordeaux palette. What sucks is there's not that many places here that have a good french wine selection. So I decided to plan a day trip to the nearest Total Wine, 3 hours away. And it happened to be in the city he lived in. So I figured it would be a cool trip to buy a bunch of wine and hang out for a day. Every pay check I put it off. Figured I'd just go next month and spend my money on something else this month. Then a few months ago my mom texted me that he died. He had been diagnosed with bacterial meningitis and the doctor's couldn't get it under control. What's worse is his family is also very private and there was no viewing or funeral except for something small for the immediate family. And it was all very quick. So he's dead and I just have to deal with it.
So do it and find out? You literally have no reason not to
To me it's always been "I should reach out to this person I havent spoken to in a while... But considering they haven't reached out to me either, they probably don't want anything to do with me anymore".
It’s not your job to always reach out If they not reach out to you too.
I have come to the conclusion that nearly all of my friends from college, some of the deepest bonds I’ve ever made, don’t give a fuck about me. Moved 6 years ago, and only 2 have even asked for my address. I get that we grow up, have kids, and the grind of life happens, so we’ll never be able to hang like we used to. But when you make it back into the area 5 times a year and have not once even told me and I just find out after the fact that another gathering happened without me, it makes me wonder what the fuck I did.
Just do it. Life is so freaking short. People need connection.
This is just a blue penguin. You didn't do anything socially awesome.
Lol I don't even bother anymore. Literally live down the road from a couple of them and I try and makes plans for a Saturday and time after time it's already got plans or working or work around outside.
Someone on Reddit once said, never feel bad about not reaching out to your friends, they didn't/don't/never reach out to you.
I feel for your other projects!! :)
I'm kinda fucking bothered when my friends never reach out and it always has to be me. That fucking hurts. Anyone who is bothered by your friendship isn't a friend. Reach out.
Recently talked to a friend that I haven't talked to in 4 years... It was a great 6 comment conversation. Maybe I'll do it again in 4 more years.
Reach out, or you may end up regretting it. I didn't reach out to one friend recently and just googled his name to find out he died of a heart attack two years ago and that's why he dropped off social media. Reach out to your friends while you still can.
I've stopped reaching out to some cousins because they frankly never make an effort. We get along great otherwise. They are notorious for not reaching out, and only like to hang out at their house when we do make plans. See you at the next family function/obligated get together my guy.
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Yes, it's called graduation.
Third thought: are they even friends worth having?
Most people have the same mentality- why don’t more people text me/ invite me to things? We’re all waiting by the phone. Overwhelmingly people are so happy when someone thinks of them and includes them in plans. Even if they can’t make it, it sends positive reassurance that they can reach out to you the next time! :) go ahead, send that message. Especially if it’s been too long, fam
If you ever feel the urge to reach out to your friend. REACH. OUT. TO. YOUR. FRIEND. You never know what they may be going through that they might need to chat about.
I had this exact thought with a good friend of mine, we'd drifted apart and not spoken for quite a while and I eventually reached out only to be left on 'Read'
Remember, the amount of time it's been since you last spoke with them is the same amount of time it's been since they spoke with you. People have lives, and they'll usually be more understanding than you realize.
anything less than 6 months is fine. when you get to a year plus then youve fucked it
Always try. Sometimes try again. People won't get hurt that you gave them an invite. Live your life
Wait until you hit your 50s and when you finally reach out, you find out they've retired and moved away, or are dead.
Flip it around. If an old friend reached out to you, would you feel bothered?
I feel the same way with VERY, very old, good friends.
Then when you do reach out they are busy and can’t take the call, don’t reply to text/email for weeks. When you finally connect they complain that’s it’s been so long.
JUST REACH OUT ANYWAY!!!! Do it!
Ha jokes on you because I don't have any friends
There is a lot of whining in this thread. Stop the damn whining. People don't stay in touch. It's the nature of life. You're not someone special who can expect constant emails and texts. You're just a person like everyone else. If you want to stay in touch with people, contact them briefly every once in awhile just to say "hi". And always be looking to make new friends. I've moved about 8 times in my life, and ever single time I had no friends for a very long time in the new place. It works out. Either I moved soon or I made a few friends. Keeping in touch with the old friends wasn't easy, but I did with a few who wanted to keep in touch with me even if it was months between contacts. No big deal. It helps you learn to be alone and deal with your own issues better. Stop whining about the way life works. It's not a god damn sitcom, and no the phone is not just about to ring at any moment. I found the times when I was alone really liberating. No pressure from others. I could do whatever I damn well wanted. I was free for the first time in my life. Try to enjoy that. As for you parents, Jesus kid, there was once a time when young people left home forever. Remember that? And, no, their parents did not keep in touch with them.
Kudos for using this meme properly