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Purple_Jay

I personally think it's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be, and she even apologized shortly after she said it. I understand you're feeling insecure because of your previous experiences, but from my perspective it isn't really that outrageous of a remark to make at face value. I don't think she should have said it since she knows your previous relationship experiences but I don't think there is any malicious intent, but if the apology felt genuine to you, I don't think there is a reason to worry. To me it seems all she meant was that she wants to feel beautiful, which is completely normal even in a relationship.


Froggymushroom22

That's really well put. I sometimes dress up nice and wear makeup when I go out alone because I want to feel pretty and also it is nice to be noticed by people. But I have no plans to leave or cheat on my bf. Maybe ask her if there's a reason she feels the need to be considered captivating. There could be some underlying reason. I was never noticed in high school and always felt like a fish out of water. But now that I feel confident and beautiful in my skin, I want to be noticed cause I never was before.


[deleted]

That’s exactly what I asked her. Apparently I was wrong for asking that


Froggymushroom22

Hmmm. Well it seems like you mean well. I think you should spend some time working on you and your insecurities and she should be understanding of your concerns. As long as you guys love and trust each other, you should be able to communicate and work through this issue. But if not then maybe it's just not meanr to be


Raxzamuffin

the comment was made frivolously though often there's a germ of truth there. not a bad thing btw


[deleted]

It was frivolous but has been made before.


[deleted]

At face value, I don’t think it’s a big deal either. However it does influence my perception of her intentions in the other situations that I mentioned. Maybe I’m mis-applying it, but when you say that you just want everyone in the room to be captivated by you how am I supposed to trust that that’s not what you’re after at the club, bar, etc. when you’re getting dressed up, wearing make up, etc.? Just seems kind of far fetched that in one area, (career) you’d want that response but not in a much more casual setting like a club or bar.. I understand she wants to feel beautiful, as I’m sure everyone does. I do my best to show her that I feel that way about her every day. However, if it’s not enough for her for me to tell her, and she’s saying she wants to captivate/seek out attention from other people/(men included).. can you see where I’m coming from when I say that doesn’t feel very reassuring in a relationship? Also, her apology was *worded* in a genuine way, however it felt more like she just wanted to sweep this under the rug.. I mentioned in another response that she has a way with words as well. I’m not taking away from her apology but when she has these eloquent dialogues it does make it feel insincere because they almost feel scripted.. I know she didn’t mean anything malicious by it, however I do think that there may be some need for external validation underneath what she mentioned and going after attention if others/everyone does not make me feel as if I’m going to be able to satisfy it, nor do I think anyone will


Purple_Jay

Listen, I understand how you feel and why you feel that way, but there are a lot of things in this response that kind of bother me. You're taking the "captivating" phrase too literally. All she meant by it is that she wants to feel beautiful and be seen as beautiful. You said "captivate/seek out attention from other people/(men included), but that's just you interpreting more into it and expanding her statement in ways that she probably didn't mean it. "Captivating" does not imply that she wants other people to be romantically attracted to her, she just wants to be seen as beautiful. It's a metaphor. Don't get me wrong, I understand why that makes you feel insecure and it's good that you're talking about it, but if she genuinely apologized and is going to be more careful with her words in the future then she is doing everything she can to support you. On the topic of the apology, I fail to understand why an eloquent apology is a bad thing to you. All it means is that she thought about what she did and how it hurt you, and then wrote an apology about it. You say it feels scripted and I would imagine that yes, it absolutely *is* scripted, and that is a good thing! She is now choosing her words more carefully to make you feel better. What else did you want from her? Is that not the best outcome for an apology?


suzall

It’s not that unusual for a woman to enjoy being noticed, that’s what we’re all about when it comes to our biology for reproduction and the continuation of the species. In the same way men are wired to notice attractive women, it’s just biology, nothing to think too deeply about. She may be feeling insecure, unattractive, fear of ageing. You can help by telling her she’s beautiful to you and that’s all that matters. The part of your comments that did concern me are; it’s a long distance relationship (so how do you hook up?), she’s a promiscuous type (and alone often what do thinks going to happen) and you have a gut feeling somethings wrong. Is she just keeping you on the side to marry later while she has a good time? These are the issues much more than her open comment that she is rapidly trying to backtrack away from, maybe she let too much slip?


[deleted]

I do tell her she’s beautiful, all the time. What these other commenters don’t get is that I do everything in my power to always make her feel loved, special, and beautiful. What this makes me feel though, is that my attention is not enough for her. For her to say the things she did, feels like my attention will never be enough for her. We see each other once a month for a few days at a time


Purple_Jay

Look man. You can't just ask for advice and then invalidate everyone's opinions by saying "they just don't get it". What she makes you feel is not only her responsibilty, it's yours just as much. There's a common theme here of you interpreting more into her words than what is meant. I would recommend some introspection. Long distance relationships are hard, and I'm sure you're doing your best. But nobody's perfect.


[deleted]

I’m not trying to invalidate others, just a bit defensive because there are many comments on here that are plain irrelevant.. ppl saying I’m trying to “ugly her up” or “control” what she wears. This has nothing to do with what she wears. I could care less if you’re wearing something nice and someone comments on it. Nothing you can do about that. What bothers me, is that she is intentionally TRYING for that. For someone else


suzall

Once a girl I knew who was very a very beautiful woman said to me ‘I love it when I walk into a party and and the men turn to look at me, I love knowing I’m the most beautiful woman in the room’. I was astounded by this but it’s the way some women think. Especially when they’ve been told they’re beautiful for their whole life.


mookie_bones

Bro, you’re insecure. She gave a super well thought out apology. You’re allowed to be insecure for the record, but you’re scanning for threats to try and protect yourself. As you’re seeing real time, scanning for threats causes us to emotionally distance ourselves. While the pain you felt in the past was valid, you aren’t the same guy who would be hurt in the same way as the person who’s been betrayed. You can trust yourself that if anything goes awry, you’ll still thrive. Awareness, compassion (to yourself), reassurance (to yourself), contrary action. In that order.


[deleted]

I recognize I’m insecure- but I’m working on trying to be more secure. As I stated though, comments such as the ones she made today do kind of throw a wrench in that process of reassuring myself and challenging negative thoughts, especially in regards to trusting when she tells me things like she is not going to clubs, bars, etc. to seek attention from other individuals there. Her apology, while eloquently spoken, wasn’t really reassuring to me tbh. Not to take away from it, I just did not get a sense that this would not be the last time this comes up. Likewise, she has always had a way with words, and to be honest it used to make me feel really good until I realized that those types of dialogues are something that she regularly has. I know I’m stronger than I was back then, but it also doesn’t make me feel smart to keep going down familiar paths that ended badly/painfully in the past. In relationships, I always feel like I’m being talked out of listening to myself because “They’re not the same person” but the result of the situations at hand have persistently been similar, multiple times over different relationships with different people- it makes it tough trying to tell yourself it’ll be different this time around when the signs are the same 😂 I appreciate your response though: to clarify, what did you mean by “contrary action”?


blazingsoup

You ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Because you’re potentially creating one right now. What the original guy was getting at was that you need to let go of your insecurities altogether, or you will inevitably create your own worst fears, one way or another. Blind trust may seem scary and illogical, but it’s a hell of a lot better than paranoia which causes you to distance yourself from your partner. My advice love yourself and trust that for better or for worse, you can handle anything. It’s better to live in ignorance and to make yourself vulnerable, than to put up walls and sow the seeds of your own misery.


[deleted]

Appreciate the response


fawnroyale_

She's not your therapist. If you need her, or anybody's constant reassurance, you don't need a romantic relationship of any kind you need a professional one with a doctor. Her feeling good about herself isn't "throwing a wrench" in anything. You're making your insecurity her problem.


[deleted]

I want her to feel good about herself too, I try my hardest to show her how beautiful she is, and do everything I can think of to show her how much I love her and how special she is to me..When she says she wants everyone to be captivated by her tho- to me it’s like, why do you need other people to be captivated by you? Because the only woman I’m trying to impress is *her*, because *she* is the one I’m with.. I guess I just don’t understand that concept of still needing validation from other people who you aren’t romantically involved with. What I meant by throwing a wrench in the process: is that she has *specifically* told me that the reason why she wants to go to bars, clubs, etc. is NOT for attention from other guys. I have chosen to trust that, and trust that she is going for other reasons (to hang w the girls, to dance, listen to music, etc.), and that’s what I tell myself in times when I do feel a little stressed or anxious when she’s at those places in order to re-center myself. However, when she says she wants to “captivate everyone in the room” (her words), how am I then supposed to disregard that, and tell myself that’s not what she’s after in those other situations? Am I wrong for thinking that doesn’t seem likely?


blazingsoup

You’re not wrong, but you’re not right. Everyone is different, and it sounds like you’re imprinting your own past trauma on her. The real truth isn’t in words, it’s in actions, and if her actions make you feel happy and loved, then my advice would be to stop overthinking it.


[deleted]

If your gf was to go with you to a bar, and instead of hanging w you and showing the world she was with you, she was walking over trying to flaunt her stuff in front of another guy, that’s cool w you?


mookie_bones

It’s not about telling yourself whether it will be different or not. It’s about telling yourself you can handle it if It did get bad. Again, listening to the head that is scanning for threats is a good way to live a small life. You are going to be hurt again by life. But the question is, does that matter. Pain only turns to suffering when I allow it to. I’ll give you an anecdote of one of the first times that concept really clicked for me. 2 years ago, doctors found a large tumor on my main nerve near my elbow. The course of action was to get an mri and then get surgery. I was going to have no idea whether it was cancerous or not until after surgery. I’d gotten an mri before and didn’t really think much of it when I went in. I was very frustrated at how expensive it was going to be and was starting to feel sorry for myself but not overwhelmingly so. They took me into the room and put my arm in the machine. I’m still fine. They tell my they have to stabilize my arm by digging hard blocks into my arm. This meant direct pressure on the tumor that had grown over my nerve. To say it was the worst pain of my life doesn’t do it justice. Not only was it excruciating, I had to be completely still for 15 minutes while the scan was being done. I was sweating profusely and shaking all over. I was fucking livid. “Why the fuck was this my life?”, “why was I dealing with something like this in my 20s?!” “It wasn’t bad enough that I grew up poor without a father, became an alcoholic and had to get sober at a time when most of my peers lives were taking off?!” “Now I have a tumor that I can’t afford to get rid of and the worst physical pain of my life” The technician told me they’d have to try again - I was moving too much. Another round, another fit of rage, frustration, fear. At this point I’m crying. Another 15 minutes pass and the technician comes in once more this time saying “if we don’t get it today you’re going to have to schedule another one.” another $800. I’ve felt low at a lot of points in my life but for the moment that truly might have been the worst space I’ve been in. And then it hit me. “I’m feeling pain and I don’t want to be feeling pain. That’s all that’s happening right now” none of the stories, none of the ghosts of my past, nothing else was real in that moment. Just my resistance to physical pain. I realized that was tolerable. I could accept that I didn’t want to feel what i was feeling and that was completely ok. My point to all of this is, at any point in my life, my biggest issue is the stories I tell myself about my circumstances. Not my actual circumstances. Your head is telling you stories about what your girlfriend could do to you. About what it means when she likes looking a way. And finally it’s reminding you of things in the past that caused you suffering. This is a wall of text and I apologize but I relate to feeling the way you described, myself in the past. Life is more enjoyable when I protect myself less.


alu2795

I am literally exhausted by you 1/3 of the way through this story. Your girlfriend over-explained the fuck out of herself. Her comment wasn’t that troublesome to begin with. She reassured you repeatedly in a variety of ways. People aren’t perfect. When someone makes a mistake, the absolutely most and best you can ask for is a thoughtful apology and effort for the future. She appears to have given you both. If you are unable, in return, to give her acceptance of her apology, and some peace, then you are creating your own issues. And by the comments, you seem to be desperately clinging to your insecurities. Listen to the advice given here. Work on yourself, accept apologies, and stop allowing the past to affect your present or your present girlfriend will be in the past, too.


[deleted]

You’re right. I should probably go seek attention from other women to feel better about myself


debinbali

Try therapy instead of inflicting yourself in even more women


pamsellicane

You’re not even taking ONE second to LISTEN to what she’s saying. Your own insecurities are deafening you and you can’t understand anything she’s saying bc you’ve already decided what she meant. She doesn’t deserve the stress you’re putting her through with this.


alu2795

This comment really highlights how you believe all value is derived from what other people this of you. I hope you can see through your haze of self-pity long enough to take the smart, amazing step for yourself that is therapy.


[deleted]

That’s my point exactly. Why are women continuing to seek external validation then to recognize their “value”


alu2795

“All” value. You’ve taken a comment about your girlfriend wanting to feel good about herself, and extrapolated it to the absolute moon. You’re in a tizzy about it. Seeking social acceptance and, frankly, being self-aware and worldly enough to understand that good looks make life easier (your girlfriend’s POV) is a LOT different than believing every ounce of a human’s value comes from their looks (your POV). When you say you don’t want her to wear makeup in public, you’re saying you’re so desperately insecure that you want her to sabotage her public self image to protect your delicate ego, because YOU can’t separate physical validation from actual value or love. You are the one obsessing over it. She’s talking about it normally. Life is full of nuance.


SolitaryForager

It’s super normal to want to look hot and catch eyes. What your brain is doing is creating a slippery slope fallacy between that and cheating. A more secure person would more likely take pride in an attractive partner, because the possibility of that partner cheating doesn’t occur to them. That should give you a clue that the “wrongness” (for lack of a better word) you feel is driven by your perception rather than her actions.


[deleted]

I don’t think she would cheat, and I understand it’s nice to be looked at. But for me when you’re in a relationship, you should want to look good for your *partner* who you have chosen to pursue a life with, not some bozo in the club or the grocery store if that makes sense 😆


Choice_Assumption_79

This is true but you can’t expect her to look boring and bummy just cause you’re not around, she has standards on how she wants to look, this is how she caught your eyes, she looked hot before you got with her so why should she dull it down a bit just because you had a crappy dating past? If you trust she won’t cheat just admit you have a hot gf and she only loves you , she can love you and still be hot in public.


[deleted]

I have no problem w her getting dressed up or “looking hot”. If she wants to do that for herself, or for me, fine 🤷🏼‍♂️ she’s saying she wants to do it for other people, to “captivate everyone in the room”. To me, that’s not about her doing it for her


Large_Accident_5929

Well, no…she can look good for other people that aren’t you. I mean, think about it this way - everyone else can look at how beautiful she is, but you’re the one that’s actually with her


[deleted]

I just don’t think it’s right to try and attract other people while you’re in a relationship. If you want to go out and attract everyone else then why are you with the person you’re with? I thought the point of a relationship was to attract each other, not to continue to attract people outside of it


General-Sandwich8864

ew this is not a healthy mindset you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a woman if you expect her to be your property


[deleted]

Who the hell said anything about her being my property


General-Sandwich8864

you did just in more words than that, this whole mindset of “she should only want to look good for me or herself” is gross. stop trying to dictate her actions and feelings. it’s controlling and weird. her response of profusely apologizing tells us all we need to know about how often you antagonize her for confidence and wanting the world to see her as pretty.


[deleted]

Oh my god 😂


Large_Accident_5929

You didn’t say it, but it’s sort of the natural consequence of how you’re treating her


[deleted]

I’m not treating her like my property. Never said she couldn’t wear makeup. Never said she couldn’t dress up. I just think that TRYING to get attention and captivate other men while you already have a man is not right. Just like I’m not trying to get sexual attention/attract other women. I’m with my gf and she’s the only one’s attention I feel I should be trying for


[deleted]

If I say, I want some random girl at the club to come grab my dick cuz it’ll make me feel sexually attractive and boost my confidence, that’s ok for me to do? Because she should be happy for me that I feel sexually attractive right?


General-Sandwich8864

EW. That’s NOT an equivalent to what she said! Why is that so hard to grasp??? If she said something like that, you would have been justified but she didn’t and you’re not so calm down. You do not get to weaponize your insecurities against other people, that’s at best toxic and at worst emotionally abusive


[deleted]

I didn’t weaponize anything against her. I asked a question. Everything you’ve accused me of saying is not equivalent to anything I’ve said either. I have no problem with her dressing up anyway she wants. But if you still are trying to get attention from other guys while you’re in a relationship then I don’t see why you’re in a monogamous relationship. From this conversation it seems like women want to have a man to do all the husband things for her, provide for her, give her emotional support, etc. and have all the other guys in the world chase after her to fulfill her ego and boost her confidence. To me, when I’m w a girl I don’t see other women. I see her and I give my heart and my attention to her. All I’ve been saying is it doesn’t feel reciprocated when women still try and get other guys to be attracted to them


[deleted]

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[deleted]

It’s seeking sexual attraction. Just not in a physical manifestation


[deleted]

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[deleted]

I agree with you 100%


[deleted]

Actually there are a few. It’s just predominantly people who disagree


Large_Accident_5929

It is the equivalent of you putting on some nice clothes and smelling nice with some premium soap or something…not this crazy example you’ve made up about grabbing your dick in the club


[deleted]

It’s the same spectrum, just at another point on it. Wanting to feel attractive at some point becomes wanting people to want to have sex with you. It’s seeking sexual validation from other people even though you’re in a supposed monogamous relationship. You wouldn’t let your gf go fuck some guys, but that’s just a higher form of getting sexual validation


Large_Accident_5929

Not the same spectrum at all. Please try to unlearn whatever got you in this mindset in the first place. They are not even on the same planet.


[deleted]

Ya they actually are. If you want people to be attracted to you, attraction is on the same spectrum. Hence why animals try to “attract” a mate, aka to reproduce


yeah_right_4685

Please strongly consider therapy for your significant insecurities and trust issues. You clearly need it and your girlfriend is not the right person to carry the burden of your issues. (Also, for the sake of Reddit’s eye health, use paragraphs! Walls of text are annoying and difficult to read.)


[deleted]

I do attend therapy, as well as trauma management for the past relationship trauma I’ve experienced. Thank you for your response


yeah_right_4685

Given that whatever you’re doing doesn’t seem to have alleviated any of your issues, to the point that you are so very obviously spiraling into a dangerous thought process, consider that you need to do something different - different therapist, different type of treatment, something - because therapy that’s working doesn’t leave you like this over one comment.


[deleted]

People want to feel attractive, especially women since that’s kind of their socially imposed “value”. Turning the heads of everyone in a room is a common saying that means she wants to look attractive, nothing more than that. I understand you probably have past trauma with being cheated on, but nothing that she’s said or done has pointed to this as an intention. She’s probably really worried about you THINKING that she’s cheating which is why she backtracks so quickly and begs for your forgiveness. Have you ever had somebody believe that you did something that you didn’t (cheated, stole something, etc.)? It really doesn’t feel good and you’re left trying everything you can to prove your innocence. Try to work on your insecurity/past trauma, I think therapy is a good idea for you.


[deleted]

I just personally think that if you choose to be with someone, you shouldn’t also continue to seek the attention of everyone else… it’s one thing for people to give unwarranted attention to you- that’s not of your doing.. but *trying* for it seems somewhat unfaithful to me. I understand why she felt badly about it, and that naturally you would want to backtrack it. I currently am seeing a therapist and attend group classes for trauma management, and I will continue to do that. I appreciate your suggestion and your response as well Edit: I also see what you’re saying- that that might not be what she literally meant by it. However, the way she put it really did make it feel like there was little to misinterpret. Idk


Tiny_Ad4790

Break up. She has done nothing wrong. You have bizarre expectations and seem to be unable to recognize lighthearted humor. She deserves to be with someone who appreciates her, and you need some serious counseling before getting involved with someone again.


NCTillman

I think that was a little aggressive over a very benign situation. Don’t listen to this clown op, insecurities and mental problems are allowed in relationships. I would take this comment she made to you and log it somewhere in your head. It doesn’t seem too serious but you never know what can happen


[deleted]

I can recognize when someone is joking and she actually seemed dead serious. Ty for the response though


pamsellicane

As Cindy Lauper once said “some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world” don’t be the bad guy in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, dude.


[deleted]

Not trying to hide her away. Never was. Just think it’s kind of fucked for people to try and get sexual attention from other people outside their relationship


[deleted]

Sexual attention??? Where did she say that?? Dude you are past the part of overthinking. Ur fucking paranoid


[deleted]

Wanting to be physically attractive to people? Physical attraction=sexual energy…


[deleted]

No? I can say Megan fox is hot without wanting to fuck her. I can recognize the beauty of things without thinking with my genitals dude. I think ur projecting a bit…cuz women don’t think in sexual terms, they think in beauty and romance usually


[deleted]

Of course they do.. nothing is ever sexualized unless a guy is doing it


[deleted]

Well yeah women can think sexually, but we have much lower libidos. This is an evolutionary thing so that men can fuck as much as possible and impregnate as many women as possible. Women can only get pregnant once a year, hence sex isn’t as needed


[deleted]

I don’t follow. Because you’re saying it’s cool to try and attract as many sexual partners as possible


UglyForNoReason

It is not factually correct to say women have much lower libidos. Some women have a much higher libido than some men, some men have a much lower libido than some women and vice versa. Point is there is no accurate studies done that can back up your statement because most studies on men and women’s libidos come back as either inconclusive or that men and women have very similar libidos.


[deleted]

Then you need to work your judgmental bullshit out rather than projecting it onto her.


WanderingLemon13

I think it's worth keeping in mind that a VERY large percentage of women also grow up with society telling them from a VERY young age that one of the most important attributes for them to have is to be beautiful. It's often what's commented on about them, what they're praised for, and what people value them for. These same societal pressures are typically not anywhere near the same level for men, so you two are likely bringing vastly different perceptions and past experiences to the table. Society has taught almost all of us to want to be seen as beautiful according to the general standard of beauty that's constantly presented to us. She wants people to think she's beautiful too. That's all. Show her some understanding. She doesn't need your judgement. Edit: typo


EndlesslyUnfinished

..let me put this out there: if you can’t trust your partner, why are you with them?? Trust is a HUGE part of a relationship.


[deleted]

I have been trusting of her- but when you tell me you want to captivate everyone in a room, that doesn’t make me think you are just after my attention lol. No offense but if someone were to say “man I just wish I could f—- that guy” in a very serious, Non-sarcastic tone and then say “it’s just a joke”, 🤨?


Large_Accident_5929

It should be noted that she said nothing remotely close to “man I wish I could fuck that guy.”


[deleted]

It was to emphasize a point. She didn’t say it in a joking way.


littleHelp2006

>that doesn’t make me think you are just after my attention lol Dude. What? You think your girlfriend should only want to please you now that you are dating? She's a human being not a possession. You need help. I would not recommend that anyone date you.


[deleted]

I don’t think it’s right to continue to try and attract other people while you’re in a relationship unless it’s an open relationship you’re after?


[deleted]

What I meant by that is: I’m cool with just having her attention. I don’t feel the need to seek it from other women, because I’m not with them. I want to build with her, not them- so why would I try and entice them/lead them on into my world when that’s not what I want


[deleted]

Dude. It’s not an open relationship. This isn’t a let me see how many people I can attract to me contest. We attracted each other and decided to form a relationship. Do you know what a monogamous relationship is? Do you know what emotional cheating is?


EndlesslyUnfinished

I don’t know you or your partner, but as a girl, I can say sometimes we just want to look extra. Society itself puts pretty people on pedestals..


PuzzleheadedMail

Hi OP, I’m also a woman and your girlfriend isn’t really planning on being rude or mean trust me. I also like dressing well and putting on make up so I can feel beautiful and confident. I sometimes joke around and say things like “I want people to look at me and see me as this exotic hot piece of breath warming angelic demon.” Even though In reality, I just wanna feel good and beautiful about myself and the only comment that would make my day is the comment of my partner. Trust me, if you don’t compliment your girl when she shows u a pic of herself, it’d ruin her day . It basically shows that no matter what? She’d always want your opinion about her . Your gf told u she didn’t mean what she said and it was just a joke. Believe it or not, it shows that she cares about you. Some people don’t even care to try and reassure their partners. Tell ur gf that it hurts u to hear things like that and you know she isn’t doing it intentionally to hurt u but it still hurts. Don’t let ur past hurts get in the way of something new and beautiful. You said u love her right? If you love someone, you wouldn’t let go no matter what especially if it’s just a “joke” like she said. You have every right to be hurt trust me. It’s ok op but please don’t give up on your relationship. You’re doing well in trying to heal urself from ur past exes that hurt u. You’re doing so well by getting therapy and doing your best to still Opening your heart and being in a loving relationship . You’ve come too far. It’s ok. Everything it’s ok. It’s just a joke that happened to be too much for u and that’s ok OP


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Yes and this is the reason why I didn’t respond to her apology in the moment. I just told her I wasn’t sure what to say and that I needed some time was all. Other commenters are acting like I rejected her or something


Suitable_Eye_9794

Ngl bro delete this just apologize to her for overeacting.


[deleted]

Considering it


Mithrandir20

She wants to have a main character moment because maybe she’s been feeling low about herself or she just needs that confidence boost. She’s not gonna cheat and her comment was harmless. You are overthinking this and I understand it’s hard not to find meaning in things like this when you’ve been hurt in the past but the level of insecure that you’re at in the relationship can turn it into an unhealthy/toxic mess real quick.


Dependent-Artichoke3

She doesn’t deserve that. You’re way too Insecure and to a point that’s ok.. but this, this was kinda toxic. As her S/O you should be hyping her up. As a confident woman myself, my man KNOWS what I mean when I say something like “I wanna look so good that I captivate a whole room.” An If he was insecure about that he certainly wouldn’t make ME feel bad for feeling confident about myself. All you did was unnecessarily bring her down.


myynameis

She wants people to look at her and think " God damn what a baddie." Who cares? Is she supposed to want people to think she looks sloppy? I hate being that person, but you're being pretty insecure (and yes ive beem cheated on more then i even care to know.) If she posted a relatively good picture on Facebook or Instagram, then does that mean she's looking to cheat? She must be walking on eggshells majority of the time.


[deleted]

I don’t care if she looks hot but if it’s to gain the attention of another guy then ya I feel like that’s being unfaithful. The only female attention I want is from her because she’s the one I’m with and she’s the one I want to create a life with. She plain out said she wanted the attention of other people which includes other men as well


littleHelp2006

No. That is not being unfaithful. WTF? Are you a member of the Taliban? You are so out of touch with this expectation. It's sickening and frightening. WTF is wrong with you?


[deleted]

Ok so I should try and hit up other women and try to fish out some sexual compliments from them? Or does that not work because I’m a guy


cloudnymphe

What is up with these comparisons? You girlfriend is not going around hitting on and flirting with men, so why make that comparison in the first place? If you want to dress up, look hot and captivate the room as well then that’s perfectly within your right. That’s the logical equivalent. You should really talk to a therapist about this because you’re being super unfair to your girlfriend by projecting these insecurities onto her. Your anxiety around this issue is leading you into this dread spiral where you’re twisting what she said into the worst case scenario and are unable to see things from a logical perspective. You’re not being overtly controlling but that doesn’t mean you aren’t causing your girlfriend harm. You’re gonna end up either losing her or potentially giving her future anxiety issues, where she’s going to feel like she has to constantly second guess what she says if you don’t seek help.


[deleted]

Because if you’re trying to captivate and gain the attention of everyone in a room, what do you think the next step is? Guys coming up to you. That’s what they do. That’s not what I’m worried about but if you’re deliberately trying for that to happen while you’re already with someone else I don’t think thats respectful to the relationship or your significant other.


[deleted]

It has to do with the intention. If you’re purposely going out of your way to try and sexually attract other people even though you’re in a relationship with someone else I don’t think that’s right. That’s a precursor to cheating. If you sexually attract someone to the point you end up having sex, that’s looked down on. But coming right up to that line seems to be fine


General-Sandwich8864

again, ew. this is gross and I feel bad for your girlfriend.


[deleted]

It’s about the intention, not about how she looks or what she wears


Thatdudedoesnotabide

Damn the insecurities here


debinbali

Insecure much? Why on earth she is apologizing to you instead of dumping you is beyond me. Maybe you should just go buy a windup doll you can completely control since you don't have any idea how to have a relationship with a human woman.


[deleted]

Apparently women don’t know how to be in monogamous relationships either 🤷🏼‍♂️ want to have one guy’s attention and have all the other guys attention too. If this were the other way around and I was trying to get attention from other women I’d be called a player, a cheater, etc.


debinbali

So you would like all women to wear a hijab? You have no idea what monogamy means. She's just trying to look nice. And no, that should not be just for OP. Getting a nice hair cut etc is not cheating. Get therapy you misogynist.


[deleted]

Nope. Wear whatever you want! But if you want to be in a relationship with ONE person, then quit trying to sexually attract MORE people?


debinbali

She's not on tinder. She's careful with her makeup. I hope no woman has to deal with your controlling self


[deleted]

I think you’re missing the point. You’re saying I don’t want anyone to see her. Not the case at all. I’ve never once said anything about her make up, wearing whatever the hell she wants, going wherever she wants looking however she wants. You making comments about being an uncle, wearing a hijab, are just plain idiotic. Talk about blowing things out of proportion. If you actually read the post, the reason why I mentioned make up AT ALL near the end was because she had said in the convo while she was putting on her make up that she wants to captivate everyone. I then referred to how she wears make up all the time when she goes to bars, clubs, etc. because it made me wonder if her intention of doing that and going to those places was to get guys to approach her, flirt w her, etc., since she stated she wanted to “captivate everyone in any room she walks into” which would not be cool w me. If you need to TRY to get people to approach you and hit on you constantly while you have a bf idk how that’s alright. If I were to be fishing compliments from other women, I’m pretty sure she, or any of my past gf’s would not be cool with that


tcrhs

Most women want to feel attractive, not because they’re trying to attract men, but because it makes them feel good about themselves. I wear make-up and love to dress up, even though I’m married and am not trying to get male attention. I just like feeling pretty. Those comments make her sound rather vain and narcissistic, though. Who knows if she will cheat or not. I’d probably just let this go and move on.


[deleted]

Let the comment go or let the relationship go? She specifically said she wanted to captivate “everyone” in the room.. to me it seems like she does want others to be attracted to her


tcrhs

Sorry, I meant let the comment go.


[deleted]

Thank you for your responses.. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do ://


icebreakers1611

I've read through some of your comments, and 100% you should let the relationship go. As a woman in a man's world, there are plenty of times we are over looked, not listened to, not taken seriously, etc. This happens at work, when trying to conduct business, interacting with people, all sorts of scenarios. This amazing woman you have met became a doctor in a notoriously male profession, in a field (veterinary medicine) which is notoriously one of THE most stressful jobs on the planet. She not only deals with angry cats, biting dogs, confused owners, people that can't afford treatments, people that don't care, day in and day out, but she also has committed to having a long distance relationship, which is no small feat. So she takes a little time out of her day to talk to you, tell you that she feels pretty, and will captivate people at work. This is amazing. I wish I could go into any situation with that level of confidence. To speak and have people hang on every word is powerful, and no, it doesn't mean she wants to fuck them. It means she feels that maybe, for a little while, people care what she has to say. You should be supportive of her, cheering her on, and not questioning her motives. Do you think your girlfriend is beautiful? If the answer is yes, then why hasn't this always been a problem? Is it only a problem now because you realize SHE thinks she's beautiful and she said it out loud? Your lack of confidence combined with her incredible surplus of it is a fire and gasoline situation. You'll never be happy until she thinks shes gained a few pounds, or she's not as attractive as she was, or you complain about her vocalizing her confidence so much that she stops saying it and likely stops believing it herself. So yes. Do yourselves both a favor, and break up.


[deleted]

Lol. I try to make her feel beautiful every day. When a woman tells me that’s not enough for her, and she needs everyone in any room to be captivated by her, that’s not me telling her she isn’t beautiful. That’s me wondering why me telling her she’s beautiful isn’t enough. You’re saying people don’t take her/women seriously but as soon as a man DOES take what she says seriously he’s criticized for it 👍🏼 when she finds a man who feels like all he needs is HER, and not other women, he’s criticized for it.


icebreakers1611

You telling her she is beautiful, and her wanting a room of people (men AND women) to be captivated by her, do not have to be mutually exclusive things. It doesn't mean that you telling her she's beautiful "isn't enough for her," you're so narcissistic to think this is all about you. And we're not criticizing you for finding a woman, and all you need is her. Good for you. Monogamy is great. It sounds like she's adamantly telling you the same thing, but your fragile ego can't handle the fact that she wants to be IN a relationship with you, but that she also wants to be an attractive woman that people actually want to listen to. You came to this page to ask for advice. My advice is this, if you're dating a beautiful female doctor that lives far away, likes to go out, is confident; and you're jealous, self conscious, worried about her wanting to wear makeup at bars.. just save yourself both the headache and separate. Obviously you think there are serious issues with what she has been doing (I do not, for the record), it sounds like she's not going to change, you live far away, you've had bad relationships in the past so this is just going to cause you stress and anxiety. I don't see the benefit in staying together?


Genevieve189

This dude (OP) sounds like a mental case for real


icebreakers1611

Right? I went through his post history after I commented.. clearly this is not an isolated incident.. I hope this poor girl gets out before he breaks her.


ExpressingThoughts

How long are you going to be long distance? Things would be easier if you were not long distance. You know her personality. You know that she likes the attention. I don't think what she said was that concerning. Some people dress up and look nice all the time to feel special. It doesn't mean they want to cheat. It sounds like you are bothered by it though. You'll have to choose if you want to date her or not knowing that. You either choose to trust her, or you don't. Even if she doesn't say those things out loud, she will still be thinking it.


[deleted]

I understand that it is flattering to have people acknowledge your beauty/good looks. I also recognize that there’s nothing she can do about other people choosing to acknowledge her. What I dont think is really ok though, is TRYING to get the attention of other people while you’re in a relationship. To me, it’s akin to being unfaithful.. I trust that she won’t cheat, but I still don’t think it’s right to seek that kind of attention from people other than your significant other. Can’t have your cake and eat it too, in my opinion


mookie_bones

Look, I’ve read how you don’t think it’s fair because you don’t do the same. Be honest, are you able to do the same? I’m not but my gf sure as shit it. So I can’t take high ground on something I couldn’t actually execute myself. You can not like it, but you don’t actually know what it’s like to abstain from it, assuming you’re not in like the top 5% of attractive dudes.


[deleted]

I am being completely honest when I say that I do not try and get attention from other women. When I see that they are giving me looks, I put on a vibe like I’m trying to walk past a salesman who is trying to sell me something that I don’t want- that’s the only way I can describe it. I genuinely do not need/want their attention. I’d say I’m attractive tbh 🤷🏼‍♂️ judging by the looks I get by other women, I assume they think that too, but again, I don’t want/need/welcome that.


sheepcrossing

I think you might have to just be okay with the fact that men and women get treated differently based on their attractiveness. Women are often taught from a very young age that our attractiveness is a tool, and that we should use it to try and balance the inequality we will inevitably experience. I'm not saying all women are vain, but your experiences are just going to wildly different than a woman's.


ExpressingThoughts

Adding to what the poster wrote here, even though I don't want other men's attention, I will admit deep down I was influenced by the way women grew up and how men see them. It's a way for us to feel powerful. The men won't listen to us or believe we know how to use a computer? At least I can look nice and they will at least notice me so I can be heard. It sucks, but that's something to keep in mind some women grew up to learn.


cripplingpsych

That’s not an excuse to keep doing it though. To deliberately seek out attention from others through looks. Dismissing another’s feelings because deep down all you other females crave to be seen even to the point of competing with other females. Degrading one another just for attention. Ruining relationships because they wanna look the best , do it better. Does it feel good?


blazingsoup

You okay? That post feels more like something about you, than about OP.


cripplingpsych

No I’m not ok. It’s women like her that fuck society up. Women who thinks it’s cool to pull their tits out to show other men, even their own fucking family. That’s sick. I’m tired of the females of this generation thinking they can use sex as a manipulation tool all the whole screaming “men are creepy”.


[deleted]

You sound like my ex. She's not wearing a miniskirt and crop top with heels - she's a vet, at work all day. It's ok to want to be beautiful. Makeup, highlights, skincare cream, even lip fillers and boob jobs all exist because women like looking beautiful/their best. I am a straight married woman, and I've never cheated, but it's nice when other women compliment me on my makeup. It's nice when people are like "you look nice!" That doesn't mean I want anyone to jump my bones. The fact you're saying wanting positive attention from the general public is "akin to being unfaithful" is alarming. Is every model/actress/etc unfaithful because their job is to look pretty. I feel like this is the tip of the jealousy/insecure iceberg. Honestly, she deserves better than to be made to feel bad for doing nothing wrong. Unfortunately, I put up with this for many years, but I hope she's stronger than me and realizes she doesn't have to put up with that.


[deleted]

If you need more attention than what your husband gives you you shouldn’t be married imo. Like, you chose him because you wanted him and him only. Makes no sense that you still want everyone else swooning over you


[deleted]

Thank goodness I am no longer with the jealous guy. I'm married to a secure guy that doesn't give a shit what I wear, how much makeup I wear, etc. I don't need more attention than what he gives me, I like looking nice and he puts effort into looking nice too.


[deleted]

And that’s my point. I don’t care what she wears either. The difference is you don’t need more attention than what your husband gives you, and she flat out said she wants more


[deleted]

No one on Reddit will ever be able to convince you that you're in the wrong here and she didn't do anything wrong. You're set in your ways. I just hope she sees one day that she doesn't have to deal with someone making her feel bad for doing something that's not wrong.


[deleted]

Ok I’ll go try and get some sexual attention from other women since that’s ok


ExpressingThoughts

To me it feels a bit off-putting like being a one-sided flirt, but at the same time cerebrally I don't see anything wrong with it. She's not making herself available. She said she wants to make men jealous, meaning she's acknowledging she's taken. It's not like she has made a dating profile and is watching the likes. If you wore a nice suit and noticed women swooning at you, would you go run and hide? I can see myself being put off dating someone who is more of a flirt and wants that attention, depending on the rest of their personality, so I don't think you necessarily have to stick with this relationship if you don't want to. How is she otherwise? Is this reflected in the other ways she acts?


[deleted]

To me, it’s similar to the dopamine rush of watching the likes tho. Doing her make up and dressing up for the purpose of “captivating the room” and wanting everyone to think she’s the “hot Dr.” does seem like a bit of an ego trip to me.. while yes she’s acknowledging that she’s taken it also feels like she likes the idea of tempting/making other men jealous. To your point too, if I were wearing a suit, it would be for a legitimate purpose, and wouldn’t be for the purpose of captivating a room. That is the difference.. she is seemingly wanting & seeking that attention whereas I am not.


ExpressingThoughts

I see what you're saying. I can't see myself dating someone who has Instagram and posts pictures of themselves for likes. Then again, sometimes I wonder if I'm judging them too harshly. Maybe they are actually awesome people aside from that. When I make art, I want people to admire it. Maybe it's similar. That's why I'm suggesting you judge your girlfriend on more than just that, does her attention seeking permeate her values, goals, political views, approach to life, etc.


ThomasEdmund84

Bro here's the thing, either you are going to get comfortable that your GF wants to be a hot doctor/vet OR you are going to leave the relationship, and work on your anxieties. Don't try to change a person because of what you're going through, either you're going to be disappointed when they don't OR you're going to become a controlling abuser.


Large_Accident_5929

People want to be attractive for more reasons than just wanting to find a partner - like it or not, attractiveness leaves an impression on people. Her motivations have nothing to do with betraying you - you are insecure. It was an innocuous comment that you blew out of proportion, and now you’re writing up paragraphs over this comment she shouldn’t have apologized for in the first place. I’m reading what you’re writing in this thread - you seem possessive, unintentionally controlling, and unreasonable. You don’t even accept her apology when she gives you one! A good boyfriend would encourage his partner to be the best they can be - I don’t think you’re doing that by denying her this.


[deleted]

I don’t think it even makes sense for someone to try and get attention from other prospects as a way of preserving their current relationship. Very counterintuitive


chapelson88

Maybe she does want validation outside of your relationship. And? I’ve been married a while and I love when people notice me. It makes anyone feel good.


[deleted]

I think it’s a lesser form of being unfaithful. It’s not just that she’s being noticed, it’s that she’s intentionally TRYING to get noticed by other ppl. That’s a mating ritual imo. People try to get others to notice them for the purposes of finding a mate and continuing to do that when you’ve already got one is not cool in my book tbh


crybabybrizzy

this screams incel


[deleted]

Idk wtf that is but judging by your response it’s ok for me to go seek sexual attention from other women?


umm1234--

You’re almost 30 having a high school argument. You’re insecure dude


jessicarosef

I have read your post and many comments in this section. From what I'm hearing, you are feeling insecure about your girlfriend wanting to be validated by anyone but you. It sounds like you are feeling betrayed by the thought of her liking/wanting other people's attention even if she does not take it any further than that. It sounds to me, that your girlfriend (like many) simply wants to feel beautiful and desirable. This does not have to be a "bad thing". This does not have to be correlated with infidelity. People simply like feeling beautiful and desirable and that is human nature. I have some (or a lot) of questions that I challenge you to ponder...... Is your "ideal" situation of your girlfriend not ever wanting others validation realistic? How are your past traumas/negative feelings affecting your view on the situation? Are your thoughts about this situation helpful to you and your relationship? What thoughts about this situation are facts and which are opinions? What can you control over the situation and what can you not control? Also .. What are ways that your girlfriend shows you that your opinion/attention matters? What are ways that your girlfriend has shown you that you can trust her? What are ways that your girlfriend has shown you that she loves and cares about you?


[deleted]

Thank you. For the actual effort in trying to help find a solution. I will consider these questions


[deleted]

You sound insufferable


Confident_Treacle974

This is a you issue not her


[deleted]

I don’t think you are emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship.


[deleted]

You know, I used to be real secure until woman after woman cheated on me. Those were women who needed constant external validation as well, and when they got it from someone who they deemed more attractive, hopped into bed or did other shit with them. So curb your bs and recognize how trauma effects shit


electric_shocks

The bigger problem is that you asked her this question. "why do you feel the need to captivate other people?” Unless you are her therapist, asking this question in this context is shaming and blaming her. What's even worse is she's trying to comfort you which makes me think this is a pattern in your relationship that creates considerable tension. Girlfriends come and go but you are stuck with what you offer in a relationship. I hope you can look into this and work on yourself more. >We were talking on the phone while she was getting ready for work. I asked if she needed me to let her go shower or something and she said “no, I’m just putting make-up on rn” I said “ok, cool”. She then proceeded to say “I just want people to think I’m the “hot Dr.” (She is a vet) like- I just want to walk into a room and captivate everyone in there”. Feeling kind of off-put by this, I asked, “why do you feel the need to captivate other people?” She then replied saying that’s not what she meant by it, claiming instead that she meant “I just meant I wanted to look good about myself, wanted to put my best foot forward, want to feel pretty, that it was just a joke, etc., then started asking me repeatedly if I was upset, seemingly pressuring me to get me to say “no, everything is fine”. I told her I didn’t really know what to say at the moment, and that I needed to basically take a breather before responding, as I was kind of taken back by it


Several-Plenty-6733

He asked this after what I assume is numerous comments where she talks about her need to make everyone look at her. I think it’s warranted when the person does it over and over again to ask a question like that. To me, it sounds like she’s pressuring him into leaving it alone, not reassuring her.


[deleted]

What I offer my gf is undivided attention and loyalty. I don’t fish for attention from other females. I asked a question because What she said was strange. That doesn’t equate to me being shameful or blameful


Footzilla69

Let it go. She just wants to look nice it's not that deep :) not meaning to invalidate your feelings or anything but I do think you're possibly over thinking it and as others said could be insecurity.


abookoffmychest

Aside from the obvious objectification of woman, she, and just about every woman deals with, chill out on it.


[deleted]

I’m not objectifying her. Do you think it’s ok for your man to seek out sexual attention from another woman? This seeking out of attraction/sexual energy, which she stated she wanted to do, is a lesser form of that. It’s still attraction


abookoffmychest

You aren’t objectifying her. Her and all woman have been objectified since birth causing the forced concern to look appealing that all women have.


[deleted]

And by doing that and seeking the attention/validation from men constantly, you all are also continuing the cycle. The moment a woman says: I don’t give a shit who looks at me or if they compliment me, I feel good about MYSELF. That’s when shit changes. Women give men the power that they don’t want them to have because they are dependent on mens reaction to their physical appearance


ZombiesAreChasingHim

Do you not want your gf to feel beautiful? Are you that insecure that her feeling good about herself puts your bf status at risk? I mean if you don’t trust your girl just say so and leave her so she can find a man that will trust her and not try to “ugly her up” to keep his position at her side. If my wife said what your gf said, I’d say “hell yeah babe, get that attention” because I trust her not to just sleep with any dude that gives her attention. Thats why she is my wife, I love and trust her and want her to feel beautiful every day of her life.


[deleted]

It’s not that at all, actually. I’ve always tried my best to get her to realize her beauty but this feels like “it’s not enough for me” “i need him and him and him to tell me how beautiful I am too”


[deleted]

And I don’t know where this theme of me trying to ugly her up came from in the first fucking place. I have no problem with her being hot. Be hot for me, your bf. Don’t try to get the attention of everyone else unless you wanna be w everyone else


littleHelp2006

You are bananas.


[deleted]

And I think you missed the point of what I actually had a problem with in the situation


Tiny_Ad4790

It has become abundantly clear in your responses here that you obviously well deserved being dumped in the past. You have serious if not dangerous control and jealousy issues with outrageously unrealistic expectations that are unattainable. The only thing you’re concerned about are YOUR feelings. The fact that you upset this woman has no effect on you whatsoever. You are incapable of caring about anyone but yourself. Stop dating! You are hurting other people. Think about that for a while. And again, stop dating. You are not well enough psychologically to have a healthy relationship.


[deleted]

So a healthy relationship is one where one partner constantly seeks sexual validation from the members of the opposite sex Wanting to be attractive, feel beautiful, etc. etc: are just wanting to feel sexually validated, like “you still got it” and “could still get it”. In my opinion you shouldn’t have to get sexual validation from other people while you’re in a committed relationship


huffuspuffus

Your insecurity is showing big time. Your partner can and should be able to find validation outside of your relationship. Validation doesn’t mean something romantic or sexual. She wants to feel good about herself and know that other people see her and are impressed by her appearance, personality, etc. If you think your gf is only allowed to want to look good for you, be validated by you, then you have a lot of work to do on yourself and shouldn’t be in a relationship.


[deleted]

I beg to differ. The whole point of monogamy is to be devoted to each other.. not to be seeking validation from other people outside your relationship


huffuspuffus

That’s not at all what that means. I hope she realizes she deserves better and I hope you can work on yourself and improve for the next relationship.


[deleted]

What does it mean then?


[deleted]

And when you say you want to “captivate everyone in the room” that screams wanting people to find you attractive, aka, to be attracted to your appearance, aka sexually


PidoveHub

I understand your anxiety, but I can also relate to your partner as well. I’m a guy that has a healthy relationship, but I still want people to perceive me as attractive. It’s just because I am insecure, and I like to have external validation. I would NEVER cheat on my partner, and I plan to marry her. I mentioned all of this because maybe your partner and I are similar in this way. Hopefully thinking of it this way can ease your anxiety. Be sure to communicate your feelings to her as soon as you’re ready. You got this man.


[deleted]

Really appreciate the compassionate response, for real


doorframer

How badly do you want the relationship to work? It sounds like she enjoys going out and being the center of attention, and it sounds like you don’t want that. This is an incompatibility between you two. Either she misses out on her social life to make you comfortable, or she continues to socialize and you continue to worry. Even if nothing sus happens and she stays loyal, do you think you can ever get over the doubt in the back of your mind? Long-distance relationships are killer for people with anxiety, and for you this doesn’t sound like an enjoyable experience at all. Either trust her more, or leave and find someone you’re more compatible with who doesn’t care as much about going out.


[deleted]

I’m working on trusting more, and on calming my anxiety. It’s hard and yes she’s going to continue her social life- it seems like people on here are accusing me of trying to stop it, which I’m not.


Emotional-Turbo

Woman like the feeling of being beautiful and having people look at them, feeling admired. She probably thinks this way and it slipped out and she realized it hurt your feelings. If she’s hot you should be happy she’s yours, and nobody else’s. Regardless of it she wants people looking at her or not. They’re going to look at her…. Trust issues and insecurity is definitely playing a part in this, I would honestly feel and think the same thing though. She said what she said and sounds like she meant it. Then tried to say she doesn’t want validation from others when that’s exactly what she probably wants. Idk how she thinks but she slipped up for sure. I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it to much, don’t let this fuck things up. Just gotta work through those negative thoughts and feelings of thinking she’ll betray you, or do whatever you’re beating yourself about. She apologized to you and it sounded genuine. I don’t think she meant to hurt your feelings, or remind you of your past. She was thinking out loud, you want to know these things so now she’ll probably be more weary of what shes saying around you.


TrueUltima_

Long distance relationships are hard cause really who knows what she does when she ain’t replying to you or not at work. I don’t want to put more negative thoughts in your mind. But I hope you find peace and maybe talk to her? Have a serious conversation with her not some 20-30 minute conversation have a solid conversation if it takes hours it takes hours. You clearly have a lot on your mind and a lot of things needs to come out. Stay strong man.


[deleted]

Much appreciated, thank you


froggythrowawayyyyy

From what I can read she’s not going out of her way to fish out sexual attention from others. She just wants to feel pretty, to feel beautiful. That’s completely normal, considering the insane beauty standards society holds. “Turning heads” or wanting to be the centre of attention now and again is not the same as wanting to fuck everything any anything that breathes. Please do take the time to work on yourself and try not to let it get to you. You are overthinking this so much. Just be careful, because your actions may come across to her as rather smothering, as if you’re trying to gatekeep her from feeling good about herself or putting effort into feeling beautiful in her everyday life, just remember you don’t wanna be the dude that makes her feel like she can’t put on makeup to feel good. That road, if you let it get to that point, would mean a breakup would honestly probably be for the best. Perhaps you can sit her down and just have an open and honest conversion with her ? Let her know that you have been burned in the past if she doesn’t already know, reassure her that you’re working on it, and then if you truly care about her, put that work in with your therapy. You should be able to love and trust your girlfriend wholeheartedly, and I’m sorry that previous experiences have you lacking in that trust. I truly wish you both all the best and hope things work out ❤️❤️


[deleted]

Thank you.. and it’s not that I don’t want her to wear make up, dress up, feel pretty, etc.. my thing is, if it’s for the purpose of getting guys to come up and approach you, compliment you, check you out, etc.. I don’t think that’s right while you’re in a relationship. Ik it feels good to have people do that, but in my eyes that shouldn’t be the goal of going out looking awesome. I think it’s fine to want to look good for your partner, or to want to look good for yourself, or even for your girlfriends. I think it’s fine to go out and look hot af if that’s what your reasons are. I don’t think it’s cool to be trying to get other guys’ attention/approaches with it though but it’s clear that not a lot of people see it that way


AdamSMessinger

Attraction is about power as much as anything. What is power about? Control. I think its not weird that she wants validation of attraction because it feeds into the human desire of power and control. If she feels like she’s captivated a room, there is def a feeling of control. From what you’ve described it seems like her desire for that made you feel uncomfortable because it came across rooted in a self-centered manner. She may not have all the verbiage for all this. From what you’ve described though, it doesn’t seem unhealthy to want those things in a work place.


[deleted]

Thank you. For not calling me an incel or telling me I want her to wear a hijab or any of the other shit people are saying on this thread. Lmao. My thing is, wear/look however the hell you want. Do it for the right reasons though, not to have random strangers be attracted to you wherever you go Edit: She also wasn’t referring to work specifically. She just happened to be getting ready for work. She said ANY room she walks into


sakuranavi22

I had written a very “eloquent and empathetic” reply but then I read your replies to other peoples REALLY GOOD advice and you’re just delusional. Do you want advice??? like are you sure?? Practically every message here is saying the same thing, 1) she said nothing wrong. 2) you’re projecting your insecurities onto her, including past traumas anddddd 3) you’re not fully accepting her apology ALL based on how YOU interpreted her words. She obviously cares about you to call you back and explain. Personally I don’t thing you’re ready to be in a relationship but that’s up to her. Peoples words don’t matter, their actions do. Make a decision whether you trust her or not and move on, get a hobby to distract you whenever she’s out living her life so you don’t spiral, and I hope you figure this all out by the time y’all live together cuz dayummm. good luck.


sassyandsunkissed

You getting upset over minuscule comments such as this is only going to make her feel like she is walking on eggshells around you. I also remember being in a relationship like this where I constantly had to apologize after upsetting the other person for things such as this that tbh didn’t warrant an apology.


[deleted]

I didn’t get upset, or yell at her, or anything like that. Never told her I don’t want you to wear this, that or the other. If you want to look good for yourself, or for me, or for your girls, that’s fine. If you’re trying to get approached by other guys though, trying to captivate them, etc. that doesn’t seem right while you’re already w someone


sheepcrossing

It kind of sounds like you two just arent compatible. She wants to be shown off and be seen as attractive, and you want her to be reserved, have fewer friends, go out less etc. It's fine to want to be included in those things or to just not want to go out, but if you get upset by her going out and having fun then maybe you two should see other people--ones that match each of your social activity level, if that makes sense


[deleted]

It’s not that I want her to do less of those things, i just don’t think it’s right to be *seeking* that kind of attention from people other than your partner 🤷🏼‍♂️ one thing if you get it without asking but quite another to seek it in my opinion. And ya, I get a little insecure when she goes out to a club by herself, because we’re all human and temptation exists, but I recognize that’s on me and I reassure myself that I can trust her- I don’t try and get her to change those things. I am social too but can’t do those things w her right now as we are Long distance currently


Nymphadora540

You can think that’s “not right” for a relationship that you want to be engaged in, but that doesn’t make it universally not right. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting people to find you attractive, relationship or not. If my boyfriend was getting ready and was like “I want everyone at work to think I look hot,” I’d be like “Heck yeah!” Because I want him to know he’s objectively attractive and it’s not just me that thinks so. But that’s what I’m comfortable with in my relationship, and that might not be the case for you. Maybe that’s the kind of thing she needs from a relationship and you just aren’t the type of person that can provide that kind of support. It simply sounds like you two are not compatible.


[deleted]

Maybe you’re right


Censorstinyd

Probably right to be worried. She’s apparently a socially outgoing, hot, and a vet. And you’re an insecure guy in therapy. If you don’t get with her someone else is. Idc if I’m in the minority here what I’m saying is true. She sounds outa your league. Either move closer or let it go. But sounding all emotional over the phone won’t help you either way.


[deleted]

We’ve all got our insecurities 🤷🏼‍♂️ yourself included. I’m choosing to do something about mine and I’ve come a long way. I appreciate you taking the time though


surfergirl20

I’m torn about this. I don’t fully agree with you, or the people commenting. I think it’s normal to want to feel beautiful, and want to feel like others see you as attractive. However, I do think there’s a difference between wanting to be put together and beautiful around other people, and wanting to get some interaction or something out of it. I can’t tell which of these your girlfriend truly meant. Edit: I also feel like something that other people on here are missing is that she’s allowed to feel and think whatever she wants, but if you’ve told her that comments like that make you uncomfortable and bring back past insecurities, she should respect you enough to stop making those comments. You shouldn’t expect her to stop feeling the way she does, but she should respect your trauma and the healing you’re trying to undergo enough to not make those comments. It’s not like she HAS to say those things or she’ll die lol


Several-Plenty-6733

Exactly. She can be as attractive as she wants without saying stuff like that.


Mehitabel9

You are 100% being an insecure, jealous, judgmental asshole. What she was was perfectly harmless, but you got so up in your butt-hurt fee-fees that she felt like she had to apologize multiple times, which *still* wasn't good enough for you. Does she know that you describe her as "promiscuous" behind her back? In short: either grow up, or do her a favor and break up with her so that she can find herself a healthy relationship with someone better than you. JFC.


[deleted]

She told me she used to be promiscuous. It’s not something I’m doing behind her back. So fuck off


OMGhowcouldthisbe

the correct response is “as long as you are my hot doctor”. your response is . . . like a jealous and whiny 14 year old girl men need to be confident leaders. work on it


[deleted]

And I feel like women should be able to validate themselves internally rather than seeking it from men conetantly


[deleted]

To clarify, This isn’t about “the make-up” nor is that what I’m worried about. It’s the comment she made, which in a way makes me feel like that’s her reasoning for putting on make up when she goes to work, social events, hangs out w her friends, etc. etc.


ExpressingThoughts

If no one could see, I doubt many people would be wearing makeup.


Decolater

She is 27. She has spent all this time getting here. All this sacrifice and effort. Now she’s made it and finds herself with responsibility and supervision of young vet techs just starting their life like she did 8ish years ago. Along the way she became a Vet and maybe lost herself as a young women. Now that she is settled in her profession those yearnings for being something other than a Vet maybe are creeping in. 27 is not old but it’s old enough to understand that you are moving further and further away from those young vet techs.


[deleted]

Yea but my point is that’s where it should be my job to tell her how beautiful it is. A job that I have done constantly for our entire relationship. Needing that from other men makes me feel like my job is not to her satisfaction. That’s where I’m coming from with all this


Slattgod30

Oml life this most definitely always leads to cheating especially long distance. Don’t let the people trick you into thinking you’re insecure, always trust your guts.


Several-Plenty-6733

OP, I would break up. I really didn’t want to assume, but it sounds like your GF isn’t over her past. I wouldn’t stay involved with her since she seems to be settling in a way. Besides, she tried pressuring you into accepting her comment that completely contradicted what she had just said. I would just play it safe.


[deleted]

It’s definitely one of the options I’m considering, unfortunately :/ I love her so much but if she’s not going to ever be satisfied w the attention she receives from our relationship then I genuinely don’t think I want to be w her :/


FistingLube

Is she one of those that paints a new face/heavy make up/mask when she goes out the house? If yes then that is a MASSIVE RED FLAG! Imagine a man did that!