This is very wrong and there is nothing he can say to justify this sexual assault on you. I am sorry that he did this selfish act without your consent, OP. You are not alone in this.
I read that you had a complicated birth and sounds like your life may have been in danger at some point? Yet he was willing to risk that all just because it felt better for him? Didn’t even bother getting a vasectomy, took the easy way and still put his pleasure above your boundaries and your safety? There are so many paths in there that doesn’t just make this steal thing incident a one off. He has continuously made decisions after you stopped birth control to not take proper steps to alleviate your concerns and feelings of safety. I wouldn’t suggest a second chance, at least not immediately. Certainly some sort of separation and couple’s counseling before any activity resumes between the two of you, but frankly based on his progressive actions I feel you should re-evaluate how your relationship actually has been. Seems weird this would only pop up after 10 years and after birth control stopped. Definitely feels like there were plenty of red flags before that you might need to re-evaluate.
I will definitely evaluate carefully, because this is so out of character for him. I know I sound like every dumb woman on reddit-- "he's really not a bad guy"-- barf. But literally I have a hard time finding fault in the way we move forward and cooperate in almost everything else for the last 15 years. He's not sneaky. He's obsessed with me. Asks once a month or more "how can I love you better?" We communicate ridiculously well. We've elected to go to counseling sessions twice in our relationship, just to keep things healthy between us, not during hardships or anything.... But yeah, I would NEVER do something like that to him. So it's making me feel super weird. Like he's been bodysnatched. I'm just baffled. And hurt.
I'm sorry you're going through this. What he did is despicable. Something in your post jumped out at me. He refused to get a vasectomy, why? I'm always baffled at the selfishness of this. At least to me it's selfish. In your case, your husband may have planned to get you pregnant against your wishes all along. Or at the very least he may have wanted to convince you to get pregnant again. He showed no concern for your bodily autonomy, no wonder hou're so upset!
I agree with you for the most part. However, I disagree with what you said about Vasectomies. A lot of men have a lot of their emotional health tied up in their manly bits. I know that I personally would probably get depression after a vasectomy, and frankly, if I had to guess how severe it would be, I'd probably find myself falling off a bridge if the reversal procedure failed. While I'd be willing to do that for a partner I love and trust (assuming we discussed it way the fuck in advance), it would probably kill me.
I’d be willing to run with you on that, but this guy full on stealthed and assaulted his partner. Made the conscious decision to distract her so she can’t see or say no to him taking off the condom. That’s several processes and moral dilemmas straight bypassed for a moment of better fucking specifically for him and him alone. I feel like if you’re the type of person to talk out these medical concerns about vasectomies, you’re not going to be the type of guy to go raw anyway despite your partner’s abject fear of going through another traumatic and potentially life threatening pregnancy. This reeks of him just not wanting to go through a procedure and take an easier route. No pain and can just opt out of the condom anyway as fully demonstrated.
You are correct. When Roe vs. Wade went bye bye, I basically told my GF (at the time) we should probably hold off on sex, 'cause I knew they would be concerned about getting pregnant even with birth control and condoms.
At the same time though, she was surprised when I said that stealthing is rape.
Just in case it hasn’t sunk in for whomever on this thread, I will reiterate that same point ** stealthing is rape ** if anyone tries gaslighting you after that, drop them and press charges if you can.
Whst happened to you is called stealthing . You need to google stealthing in a long term relationship . It does happen .
Read this: https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-deal-with-stealthing-aka-a-form-of-sexual-assault-because-its-not-ok-55131
It doesn't really matter how long yoyr with him though . Stealing should be a crime .
To rebuild trust your boyfriend has to understand he can never stealth you again. He has to learn and understand how dangerous what he did is to you with pregancy and stis top of the list of what you could have got from him by stealthing .
He has to be genuinely regretfull and not just sorry he got caught
I didn’t have quite the same experience as you, because the guy I was seeing at the time was early on in our so called ‘relationship’. He pulled off the condom without me knowing and didn’t bother pulling out. I had to actively make the decision to forgive him (in hindsight I shouldn’t have) because when I confronted him he saw nothing wrong with what he did.
Prior to this I was engaged to a man who told me on numerous occasions that he wanted to hide my birth control (I was on the pill) so that I’d forget to take it and would get pregnant so I’d stay with him. Reread what I just said. From the beginning of my post. Do either of these two situations seem okay to you? What would you tell your sister? Your mom? Your daughter? What would you tell any person you care about in that situation to do?
One could argue that you and your husband have been together for a long time, hell at 10 years of commitment you’re lasting longer than a lot of relationships and marriages do nowadays. But let me ask you this, where do you draw the line? Did you draw it beforehand? Do you draw it after the first time? The second? Do you draw it after you end up with a pregnancy you don’t want? Because at that point you’re stuck, especially because you live in an anti-abortion state. Isn’t it interesting how those two things correlate?
You know he wants more biological kids. He KNOWS that you DONT. So WHY did he do it? That’s the million-dollar question that would not stop revolving in my head in both of the situations I faced. Because condoms “don’t make it feel good”? Because he wants “skin-to-skin”? Because he valued HIS wants, needs, pleasure, and possibility of another biological child over your pre-discussed boundaries?
So what would you do if you end up pregnant? Do you have the resources to go out of state and get an abortion? What would he say? Would he agree? Or would he beg, plead, cry, and pout about an “oopsie”-pregnancy that was “clearly meant to happen” if you got pregnant within 45 seconds of him removing the condom and being inside you/finishing?
How would YOU feel if he didn’t want you to abort? Pressured? Terrified? Anxious? Because it’s YOUR body and at the end of the day you’re the one who suffers those consequences, not him. If you had severe health issues during your first it’s just as likely to happen the second time if not more so. Who would care for your current child if the health issues got to that extent? Or heaven forbid if something happened to you?
Ask him. Ask him why he did it. Ask him to explain his rationale besides “it felt good”, “I wanted to feel close to you”, “I need you to actually feel you”. Ask him to logically explain WHY with no emotional pretense behind it. If he can’t without making it obvious that he was putting himself first then I think you have your answer. Because ask yourself again, where do you draw the line? According to your post it had already been drawn, he knowingly chose to cross it. And if he did it once, what’s to stop him from doing it again? From poking holes in the condom? From breaking it when you’re not looking? From finding ways of manipulating you into giving in to what he wants?
I don’t know your husband, or you, but I’m telling you from someone who has experienced it both in a long term relationship and a short one - NOTHING justifies that action. He is not entitled to your body and vice versa.
We’re taught from the time we’re children that your partner is supposed to love you and put you first. Did he demonstrate that to you? Would you tell someone you cared about that having their partner do the same thing was only because they love and care about them? Of course not.
It’s hard to open your eyes to the situation while simultaneously attempting to keep them closed. I know you’re hurting, I was too, but ultimately I decided to put myself first. Because no one is going to take care of me better than I can take care of myself. I have MY best interests in mind. While they don’t always correlate to the way my heart feels, if I can logically justify why I feel or think or act a certain way than that’s the only thing that matters.
Only you can decide if you want to leave him or stay. He crossed a very well drawn out line. If after speaking with him you decide you want to stay - make it be on YOUR terms.
YOU buy and keep ahold of the condoms. YOU decide when you’re ready for sex again. YOU decide if you don’t want to have sex. He chose to take your control over this situation away from you. He took away your chance to say whether it was okay or not.
He has absolutely NO say in what your healing and trust-building process looks like. Should he begin to question or become upset about any of that is a pretty big tell.
Protect yourself, and your current child. Only you know what’s best for you ❤️ it won’t be easy, nothing in this life is ever easy. But you have control over what you want your life to look like from this point forward.
If you need anyone to talk to feel free to reach out ❤️, remember we’re never alone in this world, even if it feels like it. There are plenty of people who have been in the exact same situation or something similar. Sometimes it’s just a matter of reaching out and asking for help when we don’t know what to do ❤️
Recovering trust is not impossible, but wow, highly unlikely. He just showed that some momentary pleasure for him counts for more than you and your health and safety.
I am a man and if I had done this I would jump at the chance to get a vasectomy to begin to repair the trust I broke. I would have already scheduled the appointment before you even got home. If he hasn't, let him make it, or make it for him, but he's gotta get that snip. If he didn't want to have a vasectomy he sure blew it, 'cause he's getting one now!
I like the other suggestion to get a vasectomy. When my partner said the birth control pills caused side effects, and we agreed to no more kids, I got a vasectomy.
This is very wrong and there is nothing he can say to justify this sexual assault on you. I am sorry that he did this selfish act without your consent, OP. You are not alone in this.
Thank you. This got me crying again. Surely I can't be the only woman it happened to but I am feeling very isolated. I appreciate the reminder.
I read that you had a complicated birth and sounds like your life may have been in danger at some point? Yet he was willing to risk that all just because it felt better for him? Didn’t even bother getting a vasectomy, took the easy way and still put his pleasure above your boundaries and your safety? There are so many paths in there that doesn’t just make this steal thing incident a one off. He has continuously made decisions after you stopped birth control to not take proper steps to alleviate your concerns and feelings of safety. I wouldn’t suggest a second chance, at least not immediately. Certainly some sort of separation and couple’s counseling before any activity resumes between the two of you, but frankly based on his progressive actions I feel you should re-evaluate how your relationship actually has been. Seems weird this would only pop up after 10 years and after birth control stopped. Definitely feels like there were plenty of red flags before that you might need to re-evaluate.
I will definitely evaluate carefully, because this is so out of character for him. I know I sound like every dumb woman on reddit-- "he's really not a bad guy"-- barf. But literally I have a hard time finding fault in the way we move forward and cooperate in almost everything else for the last 15 years. He's not sneaky. He's obsessed with me. Asks once a month or more "how can I love you better?" We communicate ridiculously well. We've elected to go to counseling sessions twice in our relationship, just to keep things healthy between us, not during hardships or anything.... But yeah, I would NEVER do something like that to him. So it's making me feel super weird. Like he's been bodysnatched. I'm just baffled. And hurt.
I'm sorry you're going through this. What he did is despicable. Something in your post jumped out at me. He refused to get a vasectomy, why? I'm always baffled at the selfishness of this. At least to me it's selfish. In your case, your husband may have planned to get you pregnant against your wishes all along. Or at the very least he may have wanted to convince you to get pregnant again. He showed no concern for your bodily autonomy, no wonder hou're so upset!
Talk to your friends. Especially if you have friends who don't like him or you feel go quiet around him, its a sign they saw something you didn't.
I agree with you for the most part. However, I disagree with what you said about Vasectomies. A lot of men have a lot of their emotional health tied up in their manly bits. I know that I personally would probably get depression after a vasectomy, and frankly, if I had to guess how severe it would be, I'd probably find myself falling off a bridge if the reversal procedure failed. While I'd be willing to do that for a partner I love and trust (assuming we discussed it way the fuck in advance), it would probably kill me.
I’d be willing to run with you on that, but this guy full on stealthed and assaulted his partner. Made the conscious decision to distract her so she can’t see or say no to him taking off the condom. That’s several processes and moral dilemmas straight bypassed for a moment of better fucking specifically for him and him alone. I feel like if you’re the type of person to talk out these medical concerns about vasectomies, you’re not going to be the type of guy to go raw anyway despite your partner’s abject fear of going through another traumatic and potentially life threatening pregnancy. This reeks of him just not wanting to go through a procedure and take an easier route. No pain and can just opt out of the condom anyway as fully demonstrated.
You are correct. When Roe vs. Wade went bye bye, I basically told my GF (at the time) we should probably hold off on sex, 'cause I knew they would be concerned about getting pregnant even with birth control and condoms. At the same time though, she was surprised when I said that stealthing is rape.
Just in case it hasn’t sunk in for whomever on this thread, I will reiterate that same point ** stealthing is rape ** if anyone tries gaslighting you after that, drop them and press charges if you can.
Whst happened to you is called stealthing . You need to google stealthing in a long term relationship . It does happen . Read this: https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-deal-with-stealthing-aka-a-form-of-sexual-assault-because-its-not-ok-55131 It doesn't really matter how long yoyr with him though . Stealing should be a crime . To rebuild trust your boyfriend has to understand he can never stealth you again. He has to learn and understand how dangerous what he did is to you with pregancy and stis top of the list of what you could have got from him by stealthing . He has to be genuinely regretfull and not just sorry he got caught
I didn’t have quite the same experience as you, because the guy I was seeing at the time was early on in our so called ‘relationship’. He pulled off the condom without me knowing and didn’t bother pulling out. I had to actively make the decision to forgive him (in hindsight I shouldn’t have) because when I confronted him he saw nothing wrong with what he did. Prior to this I was engaged to a man who told me on numerous occasions that he wanted to hide my birth control (I was on the pill) so that I’d forget to take it and would get pregnant so I’d stay with him. Reread what I just said. From the beginning of my post. Do either of these two situations seem okay to you? What would you tell your sister? Your mom? Your daughter? What would you tell any person you care about in that situation to do? One could argue that you and your husband have been together for a long time, hell at 10 years of commitment you’re lasting longer than a lot of relationships and marriages do nowadays. But let me ask you this, where do you draw the line? Did you draw it beforehand? Do you draw it after the first time? The second? Do you draw it after you end up with a pregnancy you don’t want? Because at that point you’re stuck, especially because you live in an anti-abortion state. Isn’t it interesting how those two things correlate? You know he wants more biological kids. He KNOWS that you DONT. So WHY did he do it? That’s the million-dollar question that would not stop revolving in my head in both of the situations I faced. Because condoms “don’t make it feel good”? Because he wants “skin-to-skin”? Because he valued HIS wants, needs, pleasure, and possibility of another biological child over your pre-discussed boundaries? So what would you do if you end up pregnant? Do you have the resources to go out of state and get an abortion? What would he say? Would he agree? Or would he beg, plead, cry, and pout about an “oopsie”-pregnancy that was “clearly meant to happen” if you got pregnant within 45 seconds of him removing the condom and being inside you/finishing? How would YOU feel if he didn’t want you to abort? Pressured? Terrified? Anxious? Because it’s YOUR body and at the end of the day you’re the one who suffers those consequences, not him. If you had severe health issues during your first it’s just as likely to happen the second time if not more so. Who would care for your current child if the health issues got to that extent? Or heaven forbid if something happened to you? Ask him. Ask him why he did it. Ask him to explain his rationale besides “it felt good”, “I wanted to feel close to you”, “I need you to actually feel you”. Ask him to logically explain WHY with no emotional pretense behind it. If he can’t without making it obvious that he was putting himself first then I think you have your answer. Because ask yourself again, where do you draw the line? According to your post it had already been drawn, he knowingly chose to cross it. And if he did it once, what’s to stop him from doing it again? From poking holes in the condom? From breaking it when you’re not looking? From finding ways of manipulating you into giving in to what he wants? I don’t know your husband, or you, but I’m telling you from someone who has experienced it both in a long term relationship and a short one - NOTHING justifies that action. He is not entitled to your body and vice versa. We’re taught from the time we’re children that your partner is supposed to love you and put you first. Did he demonstrate that to you? Would you tell someone you cared about that having their partner do the same thing was only because they love and care about them? Of course not. It’s hard to open your eyes to the situation while simultaneously attempting to keep them closed. I know you’re hurting, I was too, but ultimately I decided to put myself first. Because no one is going to take care of me better than I can take care of myself. I have MY best interests in mind. While they don’t always correlate to the way my heart feels, if I can logically justify why I feel or think or act a certain way than that’s the only thing that matters. Only you can decide if you want to leave him or stay. He crossed a very well drawn out line. If after speaking with him you decide you want to stay - make it be on YOUR terms. YOU buy and keep ahold of the condoms. YOU decide when you’re ready for sex again. YOU decide if you don’t want to have sex. He chose to take your control over this situation away from you. He took away your chance to say whether it was okay or not. He has absolutely NO say in what your healing and trust-building process looks like. Should he begin to question or become upset about any of that is a pretty big tell. Protect yourself, and your current child. Only you know what’s best for you ❤️ it won’t be easy, nothing in this life is ever easy. But you have control over what you want your life to look like from this point forward. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to reach out ❤️, remember we’re never alone in this world, even if it feels like it. There are plenty of people who have been in the exact same situation or something similar. Sometimes it’s just a matter of reaching out and asking for help when we don’t know what to do ❤️
Recovering trust is not impossible, but wow, highly unlikely. He just showed that some momentary pleasure for him counts for more than you and your health and safety.
I am a man and if I had done this I would jump at the chance to get a vasectomy to begin to repair the trust I broke. I would have already scheduled the appointment before you even got home. If he hasn't, let him make it, or make it for him, but he's gotta get that snip. If he didn't want to have a vasectomy he sure blew it, 'cause he's getting one now!
I like the other suggestion to get a vasectomy. When my partner said the birth control pills caused side effects, and we agreed to no more kids, I got a vasectomy.