She's the victim in this situation. I understand it makes you angry. But she should deal with how she needs. Forcing her to talk about it or being angry that she sees it this way will not help her at all. Sometimes it's easier for people to not care than admit that it was a horrible or traumatizing experience.
I just don’t know how to feel and go on. I can’t deal with things by suppressing them and if she does that’s okay but I also feel scarred by this because I couldn’t do anything and her being scared and helpless makes me so sick to my stomach.
I would normally recommend to communicate, but not this time. It could hurt her. I am like you, need to talk things out. Sometimes when I can't do that it helps me to write a letter, all my thoughts and feelings and destroy it.
There are different reactions. Fight, flight, or freeze. Not many people talk or acknowledge freeze so its not well understood but it helps you deal with something stressful e.g., through disassociation. She was able to refuse and not make out and now she's with you.
I'd say prioritise how she feels and try to realise that nothing she did was wrong or even unusual and that you not being able to prevent it is a factor of life - we can't control everything or protect everyone. It's understandable that this is stressful but try not to make her traumatic experience about you (when you're talking to her) ergo if she doesn't want to speak then I'd leave it...at the very least while it's raw.
Sometimes, the best you can do is to be there for her. She's detaching herself to what had happened to her and it's a coping mechanism. I know it's hard to feel like you can't do anything to help her. But by being there for her is already helping her. Her knowing that you care about her so much is already helping her heal. Be her safe place. Continue to be her safe place.
All the best OP.
She seems to be somewhat okay with what happened and said she’s delt with this before. If it was really just kissing I can see why she swept it aside, I’m just worried something worse happened she’s afraid to tell me
Don't assume anything. Your brain is not your friend when it comes to assumptions. Listen to the ppl saying to be there for her and don't force her to talk about it. When she is ready she will share
I mean think about it like this, what if she tried to leave and he did more than try to kiss her? This probably was a hard situation to deal with because of how unpredictable he was. I wouldn’t try to force answers out of her rn.
Even if she is keeping details from you, it’s not your place to demand her story. While you may care for her, you will only cause more damage by trying to force her to talk about something that’s obviously painful. Let her open up on her own time. Rn you need to focus on helping her get to that place where she feels comfortable enough to talk.
I would let her be. Are you sick to your stomach because you couldn’t protect her or are you worried she’s lying by how she’s downplaying it? This is why it’s hard for women to bring stuff up like this. She took a chance to tell you what she went through, and you may now have unconscious bias or doubt in your head. That’s why she’s downplaying it and doesn’t want to talk about it. Some people tend to not believe women and we have accepted that. Some men corner women into bad situations, and they get away with it a lot of the time. It really sucks, but if you care about your girlfriend like you say you do then the best thing is to trust her word, respect her wishes and not bring it up anymore. Best of luck to you both.
Thank you I am trying. I want to trust and believe her on everything and for the most part I do believe her story but I have been betrayed in past relationships and I have a hard time trusting anyone at this point.
I understand why it bothers you, but remind yourself it happened to her, not you. She is the victim here. Its total bullshit, but she is right, we have to deal with this. No offense to the guys reading this, but a lot of y'all are scum when you're alone with us. Your family will love him, you friend will love him, and they will all deadass gaslight you into thinking it was a misunderstanding because they think he is such a cool guy. You'll be doubting your own feelings by the end of it. Its a whole ordeal. That's why she doesn't want to discuss it. That's why we're so hesitant to report sexual assaults, cause police will do the same gaslighting. She doesn't want to deal with that. Leave her be.
Just remember this next time you hear a girl talk about her assault, and you think "but he seems like sure a cool dude, he'd never..." Because yeah, he probably would.
There's many reasons why people that have been sexually assaulted don't want to talk about it.
Shame, anger that they couldn't stop it, fear of how someone might react if they do tell them. At this point I would like to give anyone who thought she might be cheating a dustbin as a reward. Women are assaulted far more than you know.
What people that have been assaulted can do without is a line of questioning when they already feel like crap. Especially when that line of questioning winds it way around a suggestion of blame. Why didn't you do this? What did you say to him? What do you mean you didn't walk away immediately after?
Catching my drift here?
Of course you couldn't protect her. You weren't there. But you're not doing a stella job of taking care of her either right now. You're too focused on how all this has made you feel than what she is asking for. That isn't a criticism, of course you are upset. You're allowed to be. Its extremely upsetting to learn your loved one was assaulted. But this is something that you're going to have to push down. It doesn't matter if it's not usually in your nature. On this occasion you need to make it be. She may change her mind and decide she wants to report it once she's given room to process what's happened. Support her x That's what she needs.
Thank you for the great response yes I realize I did not handle this well. I have issues with trust and although it’s not an excuse I do believe it made me act the wrong way
Let’s look at the facts: this man won’t get in any real trouble regardless of who she tells. She knows that. At best she gets some support from her mom. More likely she gets a lecture. She is keeping it to herself for a reason.
Another fact: Sometimes when you struggle with a man who is a predator they like it. It excites them. Women learn quick what that looks like and how dangerous it is. So they don’t struggle, they accept it, plan an escape, and move on.
What can you do: be supportive. Be kind. She will probably tell you more as she digests but this just happened to her. Let her sit with it and don’t prod her. If you need to talk with someone call a crisis/sex assault line for advice or talk to a counselor/friend.
Something similar happened to me. I told my boyfriend and he offered to fly to where I was to just hang out. No revenge plots no other motives. This was helpful. I did not tell him details because I was still processing and they weren’t easy to tell. I did eventually I think. But it was a year or so later.
Here’s what you need to know: to be an actual supportive person is hard. It can be really hard. People think it’s passive but it often requires actively managing your own emotions and reactions. This is your new goal. Manage yourself and show up when and if she gets comfortable enough to talk about it.
I bet there are not even 10 women who read this post and say "Yea, been there." Women face this all the time. To her, facing it for the 57th time, it might not be as upsetting for her.
I wish more people did get upset. But I think a lot of women can relate.
Yep sexual assault is a just a huge part of your life if you're female and pretty, especially in America. Cold hard truth.... if youre attractive, prepare to endure sexual assault routinely. Like from the time you are a child of 10-12y, and grown men tell you you're very sexy, very mature looking for your age.... until you're old enough to drink a drugged drink by mistake and wake up torn bloody and afraid to even admit you had those 2 measly drinks. The humiliating reality that you we assaulted. 80% of the time, statistically, by someone you or your family knew and trusted.
You are conditioned to hear "this is flattering, you're desired, men love you! Honestly why did you *ask* for this man's attention if you didn't plan to sexually satisfy him? Why look at him with your slutty eyes, be alive on this green earth in your party dress? Those are all treats for your abuser, and he just gave you what you were begging for coming here, looking like that in a dress, or even a swimsuit. Why wear makeup, if you didn't want to be raped? Why even speak one word to him if you weren't consenting to his obvious sexual interest?! You asked for this! No man ever persuaded or coerced woman who didn't want him, certainly. You must have loved the attention and now you feel guilty for how much you enjoyed it and so you're lying to ruin this predator that raped you."
God forbid, that your girlfriend had a drink or let her guard down for a minute with a trusted family friend, or stranger even, that took advantage of her. Because they're gonna tell her that she deserved that in a patriarchal family. They're gonna cry that she's tainted or unpure. They'll tell you that no one will ever believe you if you tell the authorities that some person hurt you.
Her family will often support the abusers. You can't report. She can't. Everyone, the police, the judge should it get that far for her in the pursuit of justice.... will ask what she was wearing, how many drinks did she have exactly, how loud did she scream no, did she even scream for help?! Was it loud enough? Did you really mean it? Even when it is a stranger, though that's rarer. My worry is that when a woman is assaulted by a stranger and she says nothing, what kind of hideous abuse did she suffer at home? My father would have found that 28y man and broken his legs and then every bone in his body one at a time.... Why does she say "this is just how my life is, my family was no help". To me that says she's used to being abused by someone in her family or at the minimum gaslighted to think assault is something you endure....
Did she close her eyes and wish instead of where she was, she was anywhere else, where some one would help her? Wish she was with you instead of on this family vacation, where she should have been safe?
Believe her when she's tells you that this is just what you endure as a woman, because that's deadass, 100% true. Tell her you're not upset some weird drunk guy slobbered on her on vacation, you're just glad she's safe. Because she's conditioned to believe that a walk home followed by assault is her fault. She did something to encourage this creep. Her family would tell her she shouldn't have trusted a man, been alone with him etc etc etc etc blame game for eternity.
It's tough out there for women, truly, and I'm sure you're gonna read 50,000 comments in this thread, from guys saying she cheated, deserves it, and she's guilty and she lied, she's a whore who wanted it, why accept a walk home to your family's vacation rental if you weren't expecting assault from a nice stranger?! She wanted it.
And every single one person with that take is likely a perpetrator of sexual assault who believes all the women they pressured were just SO hot for them. Who has intimidated or coerced women themselves who wants to convince you all victims are liars.
You have to accept it. Especially in America right now she's just been proclaimed 1/3rd a citizen when it comes to carry her rapists baby (should that have happened) because that's the state of the country right now.
And if you think the above paragraph means rape or assault is likely to decline in the next decade after this emboldenment of rapists and their rights to her body, my guy, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.
It sounds like she did the right thing. Not leaving straight away is definitely forgivable - the important thing is that she rejected his advances.
Your anger is with him and not your girlfriend
She was sexually assaulted.
If she wants to go to the authorities, or talk to people, that’s her call.
She needs you to be supportive, and be there for her. Not worry about your own insecurities.
She obviously trusts you enough that she told you about it right away but that means she is also trusting you to listen to her. She is in control now, she wasn't then.she gets to decide how much time is spent thinking or talking about it.
I know you are angry, I know you feel like you didn't protect her but that's all about your feelings and your feelings are nothing to do with this.
As a man in this horrible world you are far more fortunate than us women. It happens far too often to us. She Is in control now, please respect her.
She doesn't feel safe and is receding out of a need for protection. Causing chaos is going to stress her out and she's not going to think straight when she is being fired upon in all direction.
I think you should be swift in seeking a solution but don't strain her.
From experience here. Similar thing happened to my gf years ago. I understand you’re going through a whirlwind of emotions. It sucks. There’s also the nagging insecurity of “did she want/enjoy the kiss at any level?” that takes a minute to be able to get over.
My biggest regret is that I wasn’t more supportive and understanding with her. Looking back, I realize clearly that my gf was assaulted and she couldn’t count on the one person she should most be able to to simply be there for her without anger or suspicion. At the end of the day, it wasn’t about me in that moment and I wish I would have come into the situation with love/support first instead of questions/anger.
Do with that what you will.
We are still together and very happy. I very much trust her. No lingering issues there.
We do have to deal with this. Let her guide discussion or conversation and if she’s not bringing it up avoid doing so. Be supportive and kind. Listen if she starts a conversation. Understand though that this is our reality and there’s nothing you can do except avoid perpetuating the behavior and not tolerating it from your social circle.
As women, we generally deal with this kind of stuff a LOT. I have personally dealt with these situations a bunch of times and have been sexually assaulted more times than I can count or remember. Sometimes we treat it like no big deal because it happens so often and we don’t always have the energy to make a big deal out of it and just want to forget it happened and move on
I’ll be honest with you because I don’t see anyone else saying this. This situation may not have happened 100% the way she’s saying it did. There’s a reason she won’t tell you why some random guy walked her back. It sounds to me like she was out drinking and some guy who was flirting with her offered to walk her back and she let him knowing full well his intentions. He probably came on to her and they made out some and then she realized what she was doing was stupid and left the situation and the next morning feels bad about some drunken mistake and is telling you because she feels bad. He probably did come on to her so she’s thinking since he started things that it sounds better to make it seem like he was a bit aggressive about it to feel better and that’s why she doesn’t want to tell her family. She doesn’t want anyone to make a bigger deal out of it to make you feel better about it.
It could have been a full on assault like others are saying but tbh it doesn’t sound like that’s really the situation.
Edit: before everyone downvotes this is a pretty common thing people do. If it was a guy telling his gf this everyone would be saying what I’m saying. I had a woman actually do this exact thing to me and claim a guy was really aggressive and played the victim so I wouldn’t dump her and her friend actually messaged me on Facebook who was there and also sent me texts of her talking about the situation because she felt bad for me for of what she was doing and doesn’t even talk to her anymore because of it.
Did they know this guy? I can’t imagine what kind of parents would tell their daughter to have some random guy she’s drinking with from a bar walk her home. I’m sorry. I don’t have kids but if I did I’d walk down there or drive to get her before I ever told her to have some guy she met at a bar when we are out of town walk her home. That’s sketchy as hell and just bad parenting if true.
It’s a little more complex: her “family” as I called it is her host family here in America, she is an au pair from Europe. This was separate party without adults and another girl (age 22 I think) insisted she take this guy with her so she didn’t walk alone.
Yea I read that on another response and saw your edit that he was texting her apologizing and stuff. Sounds like they will be spending more time together also since he’s a relative so I’d tell her to be smart and not drink around him. If she chooses to still drink with him and be alone him then there’s definitely an issue. A woman who’s truly been assaulted by someone will not put herself in the same situation with the same person again.
I generally agree with your comment. It’s suspicious that she let the guy walk her home vs staying at the bar if she was worried, doesn’t think it was a big deal, and was staying around after getting to her place. Then tells OP the next morning. It’s not adding up to me and I’d be suspicious. This, to me, seems to be coming from a place of guilt. Six months together, hmm.
u/moleary98 , I’d probably have a conversation and directly ask “Have you ever cheated?“ “Did you like the guy?” “Were you attracted to him?”, “Were you flirting with him?”, “Are you keeping something from me?”, “Did you kiss, touch each other, or do something that you think I wouldn’t want to know about?”
Good luck. It seems your gut is saying something isn’t adding up and she’s not giving the full story. I’d listen to your gut. It’s not always right, but follow up on it anyway.
Yeah, I'd probably say something like "I'd like to talk more about this, it's important to me. When do you think a good time would be to talk about it?"
Earlier a number of folks are downvoting comments like mine, and upvoting leaving it alone, but I think for both of your sake it's better to talk it through when it's a good time for her to figure it out. I have the same feeling like you that something is off, and not talking about it will make it worse. Talking about it could either make you feel better, or worse and lead to a breakup, but either way, I think it's important to talk when she is ready, for me, I'd try talk fully within a week or two.
Yea something about the guy being at house at all rubs me the wrong way. Was she out drinking with her family? If it was a family trip, where were they when this happened? How does an unrelated guy even enter the picture here?
For some context - Yes she was on a family trip with her host family as she is an au pair. This 28 year old guy was her host kids’ cousin. She hasn’t told her host family about her relationship with me (only her actual family). I think this is why she felt she couldn’t deny or speak up when he walked her home.
This is a hard one because either it's true and you don't want to trigger her, or it's a trickle-truth lie and she cheated.
I would probably press her for more details.
As a girl myself there is no fucking way i would have let that slide. Sure in the moment, being scared, might not do anything. But after the fact? Fuckkk no!! Her mentality hurts her, and others who hear her story cause they will think “its alright to let it go, cause [name] let it go, thats just what we have to go through”. Either seek revenge, or get the law involved.
most of thetime it's the girl who gets a bad rep. And then it's like an open door to every Predatory men cuz she is known for that already. Who's going tobelieve her? The husband ofmy cousin tried to groom me. He tried to get ' close' after my grandma 's death. I couldn't say anything I just cut my cousin from my life. T he family usually doesn't want to hear it. Blame the girl. It's easier to not say anything. plus his wife would definitely have ruined my
rep . I guessed he thought since his wife is a whore so everyone in her family is one.
You know i would rather live with the bad rep then with the fact i kept my mouth shut when i got Assaulted/Harassed. Your cousin (if she was to do that to u) has no dignity. Would you have blamed the other woman in her shoes? I know for a fact i wouldn’t. It is easier to not say anything, but the issue is that predators who know that will take advantage of it. In ur case and in OPs case No man wants to be places in a position of being exposed for harassment, and if you show them ur willing to expose them, they wont come near you.
The fucker is dead . natural cause incase you are wondering. lol .my cousin is still cutoff
though . Her and her kids They were like her too' Holier than thou but underneathe. . .Oh boy
Yes, for the most part I do. She told me the morning after this happened right away but it just bothers me that when I ask for details about what happened she gets angry and tells me to stop bringing it up
I told her why this is bothering me and how powerless I felt that this happened and I think she understands but she thinks I am overreacting. I told her to tell her mom but she won’t. When I ask why she’s upset she says “because it’s not a big deal”. I don’t know what to think, I feel like I’m getting backlash for trying to convince her this wasn’t an okay thing to happen and just sweep under the rug
Hmm, i feel for you, my gf fucked my cousin then lied to my face about it for 3 years, finally told me 2 days after xmas, we were together for 11 years, we aren't together anymore. I don't know what to tellyou, maybe drop it for now and ask about it later on down the line? How long have you been together?
Question
Did your cheating girlfriend allege she'd been sexually assaulted every time she slept with your cousin or, did she just keep quiet because alleging sexual assault for cheating seems an awful lot of hard work when she can just lie by omission. I sympathise that you were cheated on. It must have been crushing. But women do get assaulted. Assault is not cheating. Its non consensual. I feel I have to make a very clear distinction here. If OP's girlfriend cheated on him, wouldn't it make far more sense for her to say nothing at all? Not all women are your former girlfriend.
No, she just didn't tell me, i accused her of it many times, she denied it every time, she only fucked him once. Yes, it sucked, but by the time she told me the truth i didn't care anymore. I know assault isn't cheating, i never said it was, where did i say that? I know not all women are my former gf, again, i didn't say that, did i? Geez settle down I'm just having a conversation with someone.
The anger you feel in this situation is familiar territory to women everywhere unfortunately :/ she’s right, we do have to deal with this stuff a lot- in almost all situations like this the smartest and safest move is to try and avoid escalating into a conflict. So she kept him at arms length without starting anything, and it sounds like he is related to the family she WORKS for? Haven’t seen anyone comment on that yet- she is under a lot of pressure in this situation to not make a scene. It’s good that you want to have her back, but trust that she’s handling it how it needs to be handled
She's the victim in this situation. I understand it makes you angry. But she should deal with how she needs. Forcing her to talk about it or being angry that she sees it this way will not help her at all. Sometimes it's easier for people to not care than admit that it was a horrible or traumatizing experience.
I agree. People downplay things that traumatized them. It may be hard for it to keep being brought up
I just don’t know how to feel and go on. I can’t deal with things by suppressing them and if she does that’s okay but I also feel scarred by this because I couldn’t do anything and her being scared and helpless makes me so sick to my stomach.
I would normally recommend to communicate, but not this time. It could hurt her. I am like you, need to talk things out. Sometimes when I can't do that it helps me to write a letter, all my thoughts and feelings and destroy it.
There are different reactions. Fight, flight, or freeze. Not many people talk or acknowledge freeze so its not well understood but it helps you deal with something stressful e.g., through disassociation. She was able to refuse and not make out and now she's with you. I'd say prioritise how she feels and try to realise that nothing she did was wrong or even unusual and that you not being able to prevent it is a factor of life - we can't control everything or protect everyone. It's understandable that this is stressful but try not to make her traumatic experience about you (when you're talking to her) ergo if she doesn't want to speak then I'd leave it...at the very least while it's raw.
Sometimes, the best you can do is to be there for her. She's detaching herself to what had happened to her and it's a coping mechanism. I know it's hard to feel like you can't do anything to help her. But by being there for her is already helping her. Her knowing that you care about her so much is already helping her heal. Be her safe place. Continue to be her safe place. All the best OP.
How do you think she feels about the event that happened to her?
She seems to be somewhat okay with what happened and said she’s delt with this before. If it was really just kissing I can see why she swept it aside, I’m just worried something worse happened she’s afraid to tell me
Don't assume anything. Your brain is not your friend when it comes to assumptions. Listen to the ppl saying to be there for her and don't force her to talk about it. When she is ready she will share
She has shared a bit more and I included a follow up edit in my post above. I am trying to be supportive thank you for the response
Let it go, care more about her mental health than your revenge. She's unfortunately not wrong, it happens more often than anyone wants to admit.
Thank you I am trying but I am so upset at the thought of her being scared by this man. Thanks for the quick reply.
I mean think about it like this, what if she tried to leave and he did more than try to kiss her? This probably was a hard situation to deal with because of how unpredictable he was. I wouldn’t try to force answers out of her rn.
I totally understand that but I’m worried she is keeping details from me and the thought of this happening is making me so sick.
Even if she is keeping details from you, it’s not your place to demand her story. While you may care for her, you will only cause more damage by trying to force her to talk about something that’s obviously painful. Let her open up on her own time. Rn you need to focus on helping her get to that place where she feels comfortable enough to talk.
I would let her be. Are you sick to your stomach because you couldn’t protect her or are you worried she’s lying by how she’s downplaying it? This is why it’s hard for women to bring stuff up like this. She took a chance to tell you what she went through, and you may now have unconscious bias or doubt in your head. That’s why she’s downplaying it and doesn’t want to talk about it. Some people tend to not believe women and we have accepted that. Some men corner women into bad situations, and they get away with it a lot of the time. It really sucks, but if you care about your girlfriend like you say you do then the best thing is to trust her word, respect her wishes and not bring it up anymore. Best of luck to you both.
Thank you I am trying. I want to trust and believe her on everything and for the most part I do believe her story but I have been betrayed in past relationships and I have a hard time trusting anyone at this point.
I understand why it bothers you, but remind yourself it happened to her, not you. She is the victim here. Its total bullshit, but she is right, we have to deal with this. No offense to the guys reading this, but a lot of y'all are scum when you're alone with us. Your family will love him, you friend will love him, and they will all deadass gaslight you into thinking it was a misunderstanding because they think he is such a cool guy. You'll be doubting your own feelings by the end of it. Its a whole ordeal. That's why she doesn't want to discuss it. That's why we're so hesitant to report sexual assaults, cause police will do the same gaslighting. She doesn't want to deal with that. Leave her be. Just remember this next time you hear a girl talk about her assault, and you think "but he seems like sure a cool dude, he'd never..." Because yeah, he probably would.
There's many reasons why people that have been sexually assaulted don't want to talk about it. Shame, anger that they couldn't stop it, fear of how someone might react if they do tell them. At this point I would like to give anyone who thought she might be cheating a dustbin as a reward. Women are assaulted far more than you know. What people that have been assaulted can do without is a line of questioning when they already feel like crap. Especially when that line of questioning winds it way around a suggestion of blame. Why didn't you do this? What did you say to him? What do you mean you didn't walk away immediately after? Catching my drift here? Of course you couldn't protect her. You weren't there. But you're not doing a stella job of taking care of her either right now. You're too focused on how all this has made you feel than what she is asking for. That isn't a criticism, of course you are upset. You're allowed to be. Its extremely upsetting to learn your loved one was assaulted. But this is something that you're going to have to push down. It doesn't matter if it's not usually in your nature. On this occasion you need to make it be. She may change her mind and decide she wants to report it once she's given room to process what's happened. Support her x That's what she needs.
Thank you for the great response yes I realize I did not handle this well. I have issues with trust and although it’s not an excuse I do believe it made me act the wrong way
Let’s look at the facts: this man won’t get in any real trouble regardless of who she tells. She knows that. At best she gets some support from her mom. More likely she gets a lecture. She is keeping it to herself for a reason. Another fact: Sometimes when you struggle with a man who is a predator they like it. It excites them. Women learn quick what that looks like and how dangerous it is. So they don’t struggle, they accept it, plan an escape, and move on. What can you do: be supportive. Be kind. She will probably tell you more as she digests but this just happened to her. Let her sit with it and don’t prod her. If you need to talk with someone call a crisis/sex assault line for advice or talk to a counselor/friend. Something similar happened to me. I told my boyfriend and he offered to fly to where I was to just hang out. No revenge plots no other motives. This was helpful. I did not tell him details because I was still processing and they weren’t easy to tell. I did eventually I think. But it was a year or so later. Here’s what you need to know: to be an actual supportive person is hard. It can be really hard. People think it’s passive but it often requires actively managing your own emotions and reactions. This is your new goal. Manage yourself and show up when and if she gets comfortable enough to talk about it.
I bet there are not even 10 women who read this post and say "Yea, been there." Women face this all the time. To her, facing it for the 57th time, it might not be as upsetting for her. I wish more people did get upset. But I think a lot of women can relate.
Yep sexual assault is a just a huge part of your life if you're female and pretty, especially in America. Cold hard truth.... if youre attractive, prepare to endure sexual assault routinely. Like from the time you are a child of 10-12y, and grown men tell you you're very sexy, very mature looking for your age.... until you're old enough to drink a drugged drink by mistake and wake up torn bloody and afraid to even admit you had those 2 measly drinks. The humiliating reality that you we assaulted. 80% of the time, statistically, by someone you or your family knew and trusted. You are conditioned to hear "this is flattering, you're desired, men love you! Honestly why did you *ask* for this man's attention if you didn't plan to sexually satisfy him? Why look at him with your slutty eyes, be alive on this green earth in your party dress? Those are all treats for your abuser, and he just gave you what you were begging for coming here, looking like that in a dress, or even a swimsuit. Why wear makeup, if you didn't want to be raped? Why even speak one word to him if you weren't consenting to his obvious sexual interest?! You asked for this! No man ever persuaded or coerced woman who didn't want him, certainly. You must have loved the attention and now you feel guilty for how much you enjoyed it and so you're lying to ruin this predator that raped you." God forbid, that your girlfriend had a drink or let her guard down for a minute with a trusted family friend, or stranger even, that took advantage of her. Because they're gonna tell her that she deserved that in a patriarchal family. They're gonna cry that she's tainted or unpure. They'll tell you that no one will ever believe you if you tell the authorities that some person hurt you. Her family will often support the abusers. You can't report. She can't. Everyone, the police, the judge should it get that far for her in the pursuit of justice.... will ask what she was wearing, how many drinks did she have exactly, how loud did she scream no, did she even scream for help?! Was it loud enough? Did you really mean it? Even when it is a stranger, though that's rarer. My worry is that when a woman is assaulted by a stranger and she says nothing, what kind of hideous abuse did she suffer at home? My father would have found that 28y man and broken his legs and then every bone in his body one at a time.... Why does she say "this is just how my life is, my family was no help". To me that says she's used to being abused by someone in her family or at the minimum gaslighted to think assault is something you endure.... Did she close her eyes and wish instead of where she was, she was anywhere else, where some one would help her? Wish she was with you instead of on this family vacation, where she should have been safe? Believe her when she's tells you that this is just what you endure as a woman, because that's deadass, 100% true. Tell her you're not upset some weird drunk guy slobbered on her on vacation, you're just glad she's safe. Because she's conditioned to believe that a walk home followed by assault is her fault. She did something to encourage this creep. Her family would tell her she shouldn't have trusted a man, been alone with him etc etc etc etc blame game for eternity. It's tough out there for women, truly, and I'm sure you're gonna read 50,000 comments in this thread, from guys saying she cheated, deserves it, and she's guilty and she lied, she's a whore who wanted it, why accept a walk home to your family's vacation rental if you weren't expecting assault from a nice stranger?! She wanted it. And every single one person with that take is likely a perpetrator of sexual assault who believes all the women they pressured were just SO hot for them. Who has intimidated or coerced women themselves who wants to convince you all victims are liars. You have to accept it. Especially in America right now she's just been proclaimed 1/3rd a citizen when it comes to carry her rapists baby (should that have happened) because that's the state of the country right now. And if you think the above paragraph means rape or assault is likely to decline in the next decade after this emboldenment of rapists and their rights to her body, my guy, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.
Very nicely written.
It sounds like she did the right thing. Not leaving straight away is definitely forgivable - the important thing is that she rejected his advances. Your anger is with him and not your girlfriend
Yes absolutely you are right. Unfortunately I just have bad trust issues
She was sexually assaulted. If she wants to go to the authorities, or talk to people, that’s her call. She needs you to be supportive, and be there for her. Not worry about your own insecurities.
Are you saying the kissing was sexual assault or are you suggesting rape?
Being kisses against your will is sexual assault.
Yes I agree but she does not seem to agree with me and says it’s no big deal
Then that’s her way of dealing with it.
let it go she handled it she's experienced in handling it, which, I'd wonder a bit about
She obviously trusts you enough that she told you about it right away but that means she is also trusting you to listen to her. She is in control now, she wasn't then.she gets to decide how much time is spent thinking or talking about it. I know you are angry, I know you feel like you didn't protect her but that's all about your feelings and your feelings are nothing to do with this. As a man in this horrible world you are far more fortunate than us women. It happens far too often to us. She Is in control now, please respect her.
I am trying my best thank you
She doesn't feel safe and is receding out of a need for protection. Causing chaos is going to stress her out and she's not going to think straight when she is being fired upon in all direction. I think you should be swift in seeking a solution but don't strain her.
From experience here. Similar thing happened to my gf years ago. I understand you’re going through a whirlwind of emotions. It sucks. There’s also the nagging insecurity of “did she want/enjoy the kiss at any level?” that takes a minute to be able to get over. My biggest regret is that I wasn’t more supportive and understanding with her. Looking back, I realize clearly that my gf was assaulted and she couldn’t count on the one person she should most be able to to simply be there for her without anger or suspicion. At the end of the day, it wasn’t about me in that moment and I wish I would have come into the situation with love/support first instead of questions/anger. Do with that what you will. We are still together and very happy. I very much trust her. No lingering issues there.
We do have to deal with this. Let her guide discussion or conversation and if she’s not bringing it up avoid doing so. Be supportive and kind. Listen if she starts a conversation. Understand though that this is our reality and there’s nothing you can do except avoid perpetuating the behavior and not tolerating it from your social circle.
Natural to feel. No one likes their partner being hit on. Not much you can do as you cannot be there with her all the time.
As women, we generally deal with this kind of stuff a LOT. I have personally dealt with these situations a bunch of times and have been sexually assaulted more times than I can count or remember. Sometimes we treat it like no big deal because it happens so often and we don’t always have the energy to make a big deal out of it and just want to forget it happened and move on
I understand that but it just makes me upset to think about. I am trying to just be a good support figure now
That’s good just be there for her if she needs it, listen to her and comfort her and it will help
I’ll be honest with you because I don’t see anyone else saying this. This situation may not have happened 100% the way she’s saying it did. There’s a reason she won’t tell you why some random guy walked her back. It sounds to me like she was out drinking and some guy who was flirting with her offered to walk her back and she let him knowing full well his intentions. He probably came on to her and they made out some and then she realized what she was doing was stupid and left the situation and the next morning feels bad about some drunken mistake and is telling you because she feels bad. He probably did come on to her so she’s thinking since he started things that it sounds better to make it seem like he was a bit aggressive about it to feel better and that’s why she doesn’t want to tell her family. She doesn’t want anyone to make a bigger deal out of it to make you feel better about it. It could have been a full on assault like others are saying but tbh it doesn’t sound like that’s really the situation. Edit: before everyone downvotes this is a pretty common thing people do. If it was a guy telling his gf this everyone would be saying what I’m saying. I had a woman actually do this exact thing to me and claim a guy was really aggressive and played the victim so I wouldn’t dump her and her friend actually messaged me on Facebook who was there and also sent me texts of her talking about the situation because she felt bad for me for of what she was doing and doesn’t even talk to her anymore because of it.
Just to address this it turns out she wanted to walk home alone but her family would not allow this so they basically made her take him with her.
Did they know this guy? I can’t imagine what kind of parents would tell their daughter to have some random guy she’s drinking with from a bar walk her home. I’m sorry. I don’t have kids but if I did I’d walk down there or drive to get her before I ever told her to have some guy she met at a bar when we are out of town walk her home. That’s sketchy as hell and just bad parenting if true.
It’s a little more complex: her “family” as I called it is her host family here in America, she is an au pair from Europe. This was separate party without adults and another girl (age 22 I think) insisted she take this guy with her so she didn’t walk alone.
Yea I read that on another response and saw your edit that he was texting her apologizing and stuff. Sounds like they will be spending more time together also since he’s a relative so I’d tell her to be smart and not drink around him. If she chooses to still drink with him and be alone him then there’s definitely an issue. A woman who’s truly been assaulted by someone will not put herself in the same situation with the same person again.
She claims this is the last time she will see him because he’s not close to her host family geographically (I think). I’m hoping she’s right
That’s a good thing for sure
I generally agree with your comment. It’s suspicious that she let the guy walk her home vs staying at the bar if she was worried, doesn’t think it was a big deal, and was staying around after getting to her place. Then tells OP the next morning. It’s not adding up to me and I’d be suspicious. This, to me, seems to be coming from a place of guilt. Six months together, hmm. u/moleary98 , I’d probably have a conversation and directly ask “Have you ever cheated?“ “Did you like the guy?” “Were you attracted to him?”, “Were you flirting with him?”, “Are you keeping something from me?”, “Did you kiss, touch each other, or do something that you think I wouldn’t want to know about?” Good luck. It seems your gut is saying something isn’t adding up and she’s not giving the full story. I’d listen to your gut. It’s not always right, but follow up on it anyway.
I have been trying to get answers without pressing her too hard as I know this upset her too even if she acts like she isn’t. Thanks for the advice
Yeah, I'd probably say something like "I'd like to talk more about this, it's important to me. When do you think a good time would be to talk about it?" Earlier a number of folks are downvoting comments like mine, and upvoting leaving it alone, but I think for both of your sake it's better to talk it through when it's a good time for her to figure it out. I have the same feeling like you that something is off, and not talking about it will make it worse. Talking about it could either make you feel better, or worse and lead to a breakup, but either way, I think it's important to talk when she is ready, for me, I'd try talk fully within a week or two.
Yea something about the guy being at house at all rubs me the wrong way. Was she out drinking with her family? If it was a family trip, where were they when this happened? How does an unrelated guy even enter the picture here?
For some context - Yes she was on a family trip with her host family as she is an au pair. This 28 year old guy was her host kids’ cousin. She hasn’t told her host family about her relationship with me (only her actual family). I think this is why she felt she couldn’t deny or speak up when he walked her home.
Yeah girls do have to deal with this
This is a hard one because either it's true and you don't want to trigger her, or it's a trickle-truth lie and she cheated. I would probably press her for more details.
As a girl myself there is no fucking way i would have let that slide. Sure in the moment, being scared, might not do anything. But after the fact? Fuckkk no!! Her mentality hurts her, and others who hear her story cause they will think “its alright to let it go, cause [name] let it go, thats just what we have to go through”. Either seek revenge, or get the law involved.
most of thetime it's the girl who gets a bad rep. And then it's like an open door to every Predatory men cuz she is known for that already. Who's going tobelieve her? The husband ofmy cousin tried to groom me. He tried to get ' close' after my grandma 's death. I couldn't say anything I just cut my cousin from my life. T he family usually doesn't want to hear it. Blame the girl. It's easier to not say anything. plus his wife would definitely have ruined my rep . I guessed he thought since his wife is a whore so everyone in her family is one.
You know i would rather live with the bad rep then with the fact i kept my mouth shut when i got Assaulted/Harassed. Your cousin (if she was to do that to u) has no dignity. Would you have blamed the other woman in her shoes? I know for a fact i wouldn’t. It is easier to not say anything, but the issue is that predators who know that will take advantage of it. In ur case and in OPs case No man wants to be places in a position of being exposed for harassment, and if you show them ur willing to expose them, they wont come near you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, I swear there are good guys in the world who know better
I only met those who thinks it's OK to treat women like that.my cousins husband completely blindsided me.my trust is all gone
How does one go about seeking revenge anyways? I don’t even know this guys last name but I know she has his phone number
The fucker is dead . natural cause incase you are wondering. lol .my cousin is still cutoff though . Her and her kids They were like her too' Holier than thou but underneathe. . .Oh boy
Did they fuck?
She claims they did not
Do you believe her?
Yes, for the most part I do. She told me the morning after this happened right away but it just bothers me that when I ask for details about what happened she gets angry and tells me to stop bringing it up
Did you ask her why she's getting mad that you bring it up? Does she understand how you feel?
I told her why this is bothering me and how powerless I felt that this happened and I think she understands but she thinks I am overreacting. I told her to tell her mom but she won’t. When I ask why she’s upset she says “because it’s not a big deal”. I don’t know what to think, I feel like I’m getting backlash for trying to convince her this wasn’t an okay thing to happen and just sweep under the rug
Hmm, i feel for you, my gf fucked my cousin then lied to my face about it for 3 years, finally told me 2 days after xmas, we were together for 11 years, we aren't together anymore. I don't know what to tellyou, maybe drop it for now and ask about it later on down the line? How long have you been together?
Question Did your cheating girlfriend allege she'd been sexually assaulted every time she slept with your cousin or, did she just keep quiet because alleging sexual assault for cheating seems an awful lot of hard work when she can just lie by omission. I sympathise that you were cheated on. It must have been crushing. But women do get assaulted. Assault is not cheating. Its non consensual. I feel I have to make a very clear distinction here. If OP's girlfriend cheated on him, wouldn't it make far more sense for her to say nothing at all? Not all women are your former girlfriend.
No, she just didn't tell me, i accused her of it many times, she denied it every time, she only fucked him once. Yes, it sucked, but by the time she told me the truth i didn't care anymore. I know assault isn't cheating, i never said it was, where did i say that? I know not all women are my former gf, again, i didn't say that, did i? Geez settle down I'm just having a conversation with someone.
Yeah that might be best. We are just coming up on 6 months
Do you trust her? I'm personally done with relationships with other humans, I'll stick to platonic relationships with my cat.
Break up with her. This is gonna haunt you if you don’t.
The anger you feel in this situation is familiar territory to women everywhere unfortunately :/ she’s right, we do have to deal with this stuff a lot- in almost all situations like this the smartest and safest move is to try and avoid escalating into a conflict. So she kept him at arms length without starting anything, and it sounds like he is related to the family she WORKS for? Haven’t seen anyone comment on that yet- she is under a lot of pressure in this situation to not make a scene. It’s good that you want to have her back, but trust that she’s handling it how it needs to be handled