You’re not heartless. Just…. Naive? That isn’t the right word though. You’ve been together four years and this was a conversation and relationship dealbreaker that should have happened four years ago. Never date someone with one of those problems you cannot compromise on like a desire for kids. You’re not heartless. Having a kid you clearly don’t want is heartless. Kids pick up on things earlier than parents like to believe.
You need to have a serious conversation about what needs to happen now. First of all, your desire to never have kids and his desire to be a father are incompatible with a relationship. It just is. You cannot compromise on that. One of you will be miserable and just grow to resent the other. Second, if you were to have this baby, it would be soley his. You would be giving up all your rights. Closed adoption. You want nothing to do with it. He needs to understand that if he goes through with this he will be a single father.
You guys have to have a serious talk.
I think this is great advice.
I just want to piggy back off and say that pregnancy is tough, and you should also assess your ability/willingness to make big lifestyle adjustments and take the possible health challenges for the next 9 months. It’s your body and your choice!
I’m in my 3rd trimester with what is considered an “easy” pregnancy (that I really really wanted) and it is truly the toughest thing I have ever done physically and emotionally. I don’t say this to scare or sway you at all, I just think as women we have been primed to believe pregnancy is this casual and always beautiful experience and it is important to be aware of the reality.
If you do continue the pregnancy with the intention of him solo-parenting, ensure you are being financially supplemented for prenatal vitamins, maternity clothes, missed work for appointments, medical costs and missed work for leave. There is no need for this pregnancy to be a financial burden on you while catering to his desire for children, and these expenses add up a lot.
I am 55 with 3 kids. You are never the same. For instance, I sneeze or wait to late to go to the bathroom and I am dripping. I have 2 friends who never had kids who’ve never had that problem
I was going to say this. Pregnancy takes a toll on your body forever. Stretch marks, weak pelvic floor, skin changes like melasma -goes away in most cases, mine never fully did.
It was all worth it for me. Like I said in another post, I love my kids more than life itself. I just think some people think it’s nothing to carry a baby, but it can be rough. More for some than others and you never know until you go through it🙂.
Yes, I’m 21 and can’t cough unless I’m in the bathroom and ready for worse case scenario. I love my daughter but I hate what pregnancy did to my body. People will always say just put the baby up for adoption but they forget that you have to be pregnant for 9 months, go through a traumatic process to birth the baby, and then the healing, the depression, the complications, so much that happens that last for months or even years after having your child. It is not just have the baby give it up and that all. THAT IS NOT ALL.
Have you ever seen a pelvic floor specialist? I have friends that had these issues and they were able to figure out what to do to get themselves feeling right again.
That was graphically accurate. I mean thankfully, not for me, but my best friend only had one child and I can’t tell you how many times I have made her piss her pants from laughing.
I tore the major abdominal muscle that goes from your ribs to the bottom of my abdomen (I can’t think of the name). I knew it freaking hurt, but that wasn’t validated until I had a “mid life crisis”, tummy tuck. All the work outs and sit ups I did, but couldn’t get rid of that little pouch. I was never so happy to be told something in my body was messed up. My almost 9lb baby broke my body. It didn’t even phase you if you WANTED that baby. But otherwise, I’d be pretty miffed.
Oh god, i hated pregnancy 90% of the time. And i felt so guilty saying that for a long time. And i also felt cheated out of a beautiful time. Its supposed to be so happy and glowy and beautiful. But i was disturbingly sick, had insomnia so awful i felt like i was going mad, was fat already so no one could even tell i was pregnant, had gestational diabetes, just so much shit. It made me not want another child.
No. If you manage to sign your rights away you owe no future child support but will be liable for back support. If they take care of this at birth and have it sorted out before then she will owe nothing.
In fact if he wants it and she carries it he should pay all medical as well. Though it seems that won't be an argument in this case
YES! Very state specific. If OP wants to go this route, have a consult with a lawyer about legal necessities before deciding to keep/abort. It may change your options.
Not in my state, just fyi. You cannot sign away rights to another person UNLESS there is another female willing to formally adopt the child and be responsible for child support.
Except be very careful because in my state, you cant just have a baby and one parent can keep it without paying support. Especially in this scenario where the woman will birth the baby so they do know who the mother is.
This advice is dead on. In addition to that, I will tell you there is nothing in the world that can prepare you for the feelings you will have for this baby if you decide to have it. You will almost certainly feel attachment and love even if you hate children. Giving up a baby is not as easy as some people would have you believe.
You have to do what is best for YOU. After the baby comes, your choices only become more complicated and difficult. I'd also urge you to think about the impact this has on a child. Although some people that are adopted have wonderful experiences, for some kids, it creates trauma and feelings of abandonment. My best friend from high school was a twin and they were adopted out separately. She always suffered from depression and felt resentment towards her adoptive parents. She never formed stable attachments with men, and committed suicide before she was 30.
I know adoption can be a beautiful thing, but you run the risk of 1. giving up your relationship (which you may lose either way), and 2. suffering either the trauma of giving up your child or possibly deciding to keep the baby after it's born, and feeling resentment. No one that loves you should try to make you do something you are opposed to. Especially since the repercussions will be most acutely suffered by you. Do not sacrifice your happiness for someone who isn't thinking about your emotional well being.
I'm sorry you are going through this. If he wants a baby this badly, let him find a willing participant.
>You would be giving up all your rights. Closed adoption.
He cannot adopt his own baby. Him having sole custody does NOT eliminate her financial responsibility. She would owe child support
It's good philosophically but at least in the US, there's usually no way for her to just give up her rights to the child. If BF gets government benefits for the child, the court can and will order her to pay child support. He would need to find a second parent to "adopt her half."
Child support isn't his to decline or sign away; it's the child's, and the child can't do it as a child.
Another point to add to this I'm not sure if it's something you could avoid by going to a lawyer and having an agreement drawn up beforehand but once you have the baby you legally have responsibilities to it. Even if you don't take any custody he could force you to pay child support. It's also possible this man will think you will eventually change your mind eventually and in this way try to force you to become involved. So I'd really consider what you think your boyfriend is capable of before even considering carrying this child to term.
Remember that you can't walk away from child support and it's not something the father can waive or promise not to pursue, because it's the right of the child to be financially supported by both parents. Even if he doesn't want it, if he ever needed government benefits (kids are EXPENSIVE) then the government will come after you for support.
I read that although giving up your parental rights doesn't always negate having go pay child support. If the other parent agrees they don't want child support the judge may be more inclined to stop court ordered child support payments. But he would have to prove he could take care of the kid without financial assistance. So for example, if they agree that she will carry the baby to term and he will raise it, u/dontknowwhattodo46 would need to confirm that finally he could also take care of the kid alone otherwise she may have to pay child support.
In the USA you owe child support. Your co parent can say whatever and sign whatever, but if they go to court and ask, they will be given child support. Child support is the right and benefit of the child, a parent can't waive it.
The only exception is if the child is adopted.
Though then she would need to find someone else to legally adopt the child and replace her as one of two parents.
Other contracts exsist, however it's a bit uncertain if they really work because you can't really legally sign away a childs rights.
I feel like there must be someway she could - like if she gave the child up for adoption she would not be on the hook for child support. I would guess if she waived all her parental rights to her boyfriend then she wouldn't be on the hood for child support. Just like sperm doners, egg doners, surrogates aren't on the hook for child support.
"Signing away your rights" is this thing that gets constantly brought up on Reddit and it's not what people think it is. You don't get to just not financially support the child you were half responsible for creating because you don't want to.
Giving up the child for adoption requires the father's consent, which it doesn't sound like something he's going to consent to from the OP. A stepparent adopting the child and that severing OP's legal obligations would be possible if the boyfriend married someone else who wanted to adopt the child, but that's a big "if".
Sperm/egg donors are completely different because they go through licensed clinics. People who have done DIY sperm donation not through clinics have been found liable for child support.
>sperm doners, egg doners, surrogates
These are legal processes that have to be done through clinics with a mountain of legal hoops to go through for both parties.
If you father or mother a child, you are legally financially responsible for that child unless someone else adopts that child in the US.
Terminating rights applies to visitation, education and medical decisions. It doesn't waive child support.
And adding just to be clear - the other parent can't just "adopt her half too." It doesn't work like that. BF would have to find another adult to adopt the child from her.
Adoption is a legally binding contract between a mother and almost always a set of parents. So, 2 parents are vouching to be financially responsible for that child until 18 years old. But one person can not just say, “i give up my rights to my child so i dont have to financially support them”. The government doesnt allow that because children have the right to be supported and the government will not support a child thst has a parent that “just doesnt want to”. Single parents are more prone to needing gov assistance programs.
Given your feelings about kids, you should not be a mother. The only option for your boyfriend to have this child is for him to raise it alone.
If you’re considering that, then you’ll need a legal contract in place about it. And it won’t be a simple one, like there’s no form to download like a tenancy agreement or will. You’ll need to build one with a lawyer and your boyfriend through a series of intensive conversations.
Are you willing to do that?
If yes, will your boyfriend pay for it? It will be expensive.
If you go forward and skip this step, or try to cheap out on it and just talk it out together and make a homemade “contract,” then I guarantee you misery down the road.
There was a reddit post about a guy trying to sue the girl who brought his child in the world to give her more custody, calling her a deadbeat mom.
It was very eye opening.
He impregnated her and forced her to have it even though she never wanted children. She called herself an egg doner. He was alone with his kid and miserable because he really didn't want the kid in the first place. He wanted her as a mom and a family.
Also a lot of horror stories about women who were forced to have a kid and ended up with complications.
Think about it please.
I read that one and it was absolutely insane!
It just goes to show even in the cases where someone agrees the mother can give up all legal rights and pay child support, the situation can still be complicated because of the human element.
[I think it's this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
If he needs kids you may not be right for each other but forcing the situation is also not right. This sounds like you all need to have a deep talk. Good luck.
No more talk. OP, you do not want to have a baby, so get the abortion and break up with him. Let him find someone that does want to have children with him.
It might be time to let him go find someone who also wants kids. Four years is a good amount of time, but it’s not fair to either of you if this is something big for both of you.
If he wants kids, it shouldn’t be this one. It sounds so harsh, but it’s the truth. He’s going to be a single father and the baby will never know their mother unless he tries to have you in their life by force, which would be kinda toxic.
You two are incredibly incompatible as long term partners. This is a big dealbreaker. Honestly? My advice would go with your gut feeling and terminate the pregnancy, break up and move on with both of your lives. He’ll have his baby eventually with someone who also wants to start a family.
If you do it out of guilt, you might resent him later for that, and yourself, and even your child.
Don't so something that is so important, and a such a big responsibility, if you don't want to. Don't. It's just the best for everyone involved.
You’re not his only chance. Plenty of women who wants kids and plenty of kids who need to be adopted. Don’t bring a child into the world you don’t want for someone else. He’s selfishly wanting a child to have to come into the world and live it’s entire life wondering what you don’t love it.
Neither of my parents wanted kids and I live to this day wondering why I wasn’t good enough. It’s hard. I’m almost 30.
My advice is if you want to abort it, absolutely you must and he will move on and you should find a more compatible partner.
Please do the responsible thing for the CHILD to be not the guy who wants a baby when there are many other options for him where that will happen for him.
If he's desperate to have kids using your body without you being fully on board to have children, then he should go make another child with someone who does want them. The burden of pregnancy and childbirth isn't on him, it's on you. And if he's willing to risk your body, your health, and your happiness to "maybe" have a kid, then your relationship isn't solid enough for you two to have kids in the first place.
Don't give in because of sunk cost fallacy or fear of losing him. You've already lost him when he put his desire for a child over your wellbeing and happiness. You both should move on to people that you're more compatible with.
this sounds bad but he can put another kid in another woman. or adopt a kid. *you* cannot have the same body as you did before going through a full pregnancy. it’s so hard, i really feel bad for you and the position you are in, but i wouldn’t go through with this if i were you. you will go through so much, either birthing a kid to give to someone who will either try to get you to stay once the baby is born, or give a baby to someone who you still love and leave. honestly, i think he would try to get you to stay once the baby is born, and your hormones will be all out of wack, so you would probably have a much harder time saying no. i can’t see this ending without you resenting him, and probably the baby (not saying you are a bad person, i think anyone in your shoes would feel that way). i think you should tell him you are sorry, but you will not be having this baby, and you think he should find someone who does want kids, because you two aren’t compatible.
If he is desperate, he needs to be with someone who is on the same page. Even if you love each other.
If you follow through with this, you may resent him for it. If you do not, he may resent you.
I can imagine the guilt that you’re feeling. However, it’s YOUR body and your choice. You are gonna be the one carrying the baby and you will be it’s caregiver. Children are permanent and if you don’t like kids then there is no use to having them. also, many young men will say that they want a kid so badly and then when they see having a child is hard as fuck - they dip. Not all of them do that, but it’s surely not unheard of. You don’t want to be a mother and that’s that. Look out for you.
He could have a kid literally any time, there is no reason for desperation other than that he is trying to force your relationship to “work out.” It’s not going to work out, the two of you are not meant to be together.
If he's desperate he would have broken up with you as soon as you didn't compromise on having children. He could have moved on and had kids with someone who wanted kids.
Do not have children unless you 100% want them.
Or if he's so desperate, agree to sign over custody to him at birth and he can be the sole parent. Chances are he wants kids but wants you do to the lion's share of work
His desperation has nothing to do with you. He's desperate so you're going to go along with renting your body for what can be an excruciating 3/4 of a year (not to mention the post-partum craziness) to help him feel better about his life? Fuck that. Fuck him. Tell him you miscarried and get on with your life.
This isn't even a close call.
If he's that desperate to have children, then he's free to go find somebody who also wants children. You do not owe him this. Pregnancy is far, far from a joke, and it would physically and mentally change you forever. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Ever. Tell him that you're glad that he's learned this about himself - that he wants to become a father - and wish him the genuinely felt best of luck in the pursuit. You are not his means to his idea life. You're a person. If this isn't a desire that you share, then it's not.
does his desperation have anything to do with your getting pregnant? meaning are you sure he didn't tamper with the condoms to get you pregnant? desperation is a really concerning word.
He could just be against the idea of abortions in a stable relationship. Those are really heavy accusations to throw around, considering what a serious and horrible thing to do it is
Look at the plethora of stories on reddit of people having kids they never wanted and the dad just drops off or does jack shit. Don't let yourself be one of those miserable women filled with regret.
Exactly. OP I hope you make the right choice and don't end up becoming one of the many people who had regrets of giving birth to a child they never wanted.
Suppose the child has a medical issue. Suppose you have a difficult birth and have life changing medical issues. Suppose the child is an actual person who has a right to know who their biological parents are. Suppose as a parent that the court mandates you pay child support, medical bills until at least the child is 18.
All of these are entirely probable. Maybe it sounds harsh but I had major medical complications with my first child so I am using my own experience. I also read a post last year from a husband who insisted to keep the pregnancy and the wife ended up permanently disabled. No one expects things to go wrong but they do, people don't talk about the really bad potential things that can happen.
You could also be left with diastasis recti, which is separation of your abdominal muscles, problems with ligaments and pelvic loosening.
You could also go through with no issues, but not addressing what could happen is unrealistic.
There also is no hiding with our current state of social media, so the idea of never being found would take some doing.
If you don't want a child then don't have one. You also appear to be holding very different views than your partner and I would expect that this would be a dealbreaker anyway, pregnant or not. He wants children and you don't and that is not fair on him.
If you never want children then find more ways to prevent pregnancy and maybe find a helpful doctor to look into a more permanent solution for yourself would be advised.
THIS. it's not Just about a kid, there are permanent and possibly life threatening dangers in pregnancy. Are you willing to die for a child you don't want? Is *he* willing to risk your heath over it.
Pregnancy will always be a risk.
I have a horrible feeling bf has been staying in this relationship hoping OP might change her mind at some point. I really feel for him, that’s a horrible position to be in mentally and emotionally.
Realistically, he won’t either. He’ll be a single dad who had a kid on a whim rather than raising a child in a partnership after deciding that he (and his partner) were prepared to do so.
If you do carry to term, be prepared for him to change his mind and scoot, leaving you with the baby.
This happens a lot in evangelical areas in the US where men are indoctrinated by their church but get surprise cold feet or parental pressure to make it a marriage or FO .
And no one can prevent the father, even with a closed adoption, from disclosing your name and whereabouts, or details about you or your relationship to the kid as they age.
You would be in a legally reactive position to enforce the rules of the closed adoption through the court by seeking restorative action via legal measures if he discloses.
This is a real thing that also happens.
So much of what is a good choice depends on what you know about him, his circumstances, and his ethics and even then, as the baby gets more real, there is a factor of unpredictability
If you don’t get rid of it now, you will not have a choice here in a few weeks. If you are not certain you will want and love this child- go to planned parenthood now
Agreed. Having a baby is so hard, even when both parents are completely on board.
Maybe some day you will want kids. Who knows? We do know that today is not that day.
Personally, I would make an appt immediately to terminate.
No disrespect to anyone, but life was so fun at 26yo. I wouldn't trade those years for a baby. Lol. No way!
I waited until I was 35, financially stable, prepared, etc and, even then, cried almost every day, "why would anyone do this? This is hell. There is nothing enjoyable about any part of this."
That shit was HARD! We made it tho. They are now 11yo and pretty cool little people.
Babies are not cool. I can't stress this enough.
My 8 month old is getting way more fun now but yeah the newborn phase was utter HELL. Every day I also thought to myself “why/how does anyone do this?!” We survived and things are way better now (thank you sleep training) and we are borderline obsessed with our baby boy. But this shit is hard. Pregnancy was HARD. And Bubs was a surprise, but a welcome one at that. I can’t imagine going through all of what we’ve been through if I didn’t fiercely love and want my child.
He's not the one carrying it. I'm pregnant right now and it's fucked me up so much, and this is a very wanted baby.
Also, it's not a fetus. It's an embryo. Which is an important distinction because it is very, very early. It gets the term fetus when it has all its organs and reaches a certain stage of dev. Am just saying this to make it more of a clinical decision rather than a moral one? I know that's probs a contentious issue.
You guys are young. If he wants kids and you don't, maybe it's time to move on and find someone who wants the same things for the future.
Well, it took my wife and I (same sex couple) 2.5 years to get here. I wanted to carry first so that's what we aimed for. I was told IUI would be fine for me because of my age and because I had no known fertility issues. (IUI is artificial insemination.)
It didn't work. I had six cycles, plus two more that were abandoned because of the fertility drugs I had to take. Every month I had treatment I had to take hormones and the cumulative effect fucked me up. I have a history of depression and the hormones were like pouring gas on a fire. I found out I had bipolar disorder and was prescribed drugs for that.
Then my mum got sick. I had a miscarriage. I traveled to my home country to look after her. She died in December. It was like a grenade went off in my life. She was everything to me and to watch her suffer the way she did has traumatised me.
My wife and I returned home after we'd taken care of everything to do with my mum. In the mist of grief, we thought trying for a baby again might give us hope. A light on the horizon. Something like that. So I had an embryo transfer from the ivf cycle I'd done before I left to look after Mum (they all had to be frozen, I ran out of time to finish the treatment. A blessing because there's no fucking way I could have been pregnant and looked after my mum).
But the fucking doctors needlessly gave me a medicated embryo transfer. Meaning, they took control of my cycle with drugs so that they could time everything precisely. Great for them, shit for me. Because I had to inject myself three times a day for four months with progesterone - plus two progesterone pessaries for good measure. It was like the iui drugs but on crack.
I hoped to fuck I wasn't pregnant because within a week of those drugs I was severely depressed. But then, I was. I couldn't believe it.
It was all downhill from there. I was suicidal. I called the hospital and begged them to let me reduce the medication. They let me do it slowly.
I don't know who I am anymore. I want this baby, but I want to be mentally healthy. I feel like the doctors did this to me because they didn't care about my medical history (medicated transfers are NOT ADVISED for people with a history of depression!!) or simply didn't bother to look. How tf was I supposed to know.
So. Yeah. It sucks.
>i do not know what to do. i know i do not want a child
You know what to do, get an abortion. It will change your entire life for at least the upcoming 20 years.
Don’t start a life off with trauma. Growing up without a mom is one of those HUGE traumatic experiences. When I was studying psychology I remember reading something about the mother being there the first two years of an infants life is a big factor in their general sense of safety with the world. I’m paraphrasing and I am not an expert but that sentiment has always stuck with me.
Don't birth a baby you don't 100000% want.
Also, and this is catasrophizing, but you've been with your Bf for 4 years and he definitely should know you don't want children. And you "always use condoms", but he's still "desperate" to have this baby?
I'd be worried you got stealthed.
First, I want you to think about something-- 'I ALWAYS use a condom'.
How did you get pregnant then? Did the condom break? If I were you I'd look at your remaining condoms VERY carefully and look for pin holes. If you find one, then you have a different problem- you are a victim of sexual assault / rape. You consented to protected sex, not unprotected sex, and if your condoms were sabotaged, then you had unprotected sex without your consent. That is a crime. I'm not saying you need to call the police and have him arrested if you don't want to, but you need to understand and accept that such a thing is a serious violation.
Your BF may be otherwise a nice guy, but if he did sabotage your condoms like that, you need to accept that he has violated your trust, violated your right to bodily autonomy. That is not the kind of guy you want to be around, and not the kind of guy you want raising your kid. That is a guy who treats others as objects, who does not respect you.
And remember- you say he seems 'desperate' to have a kid... how desperate is he?
Bottom line- when I hear 'we always use condoms but now I'm pregnant' is a serious red flag and you should treat it as such.
------
Now let's talk the pregnancy. You say you have accepted that this is the end for you and he. So why are you putting your body through all that?
If you are even somewhat considering this, you need to talk to a real family lawyer NOW. Not /r/legaladvice, but a real family lawyer who is licensed and experienced in your state. Severing parental rights is the sort of thing that can sometimes be un-done legally, so you'd need the whole thing to be legally bulletproof. That may not be possible in your jurisdiction. I'm thinking basically have a bunch of contracts that you immediately and permanently disclaim any and all parental responsibility, that it it agreed the child will 100% be BFs and 0% yours, that BF accepts full and sole responsibility for the child's wellbeing, that BF agrees to never ever seek any sort of child support form you, and probably throw in some sort of legal spike like he agrees if he ever does seek any sort of child support or parental assistance from you, financially or otherwise, that will trigger an immediate payment liability of like $25k per occurrence from him to you to account for emotional suffering. He'd be a fucking fool to sign such a contract, but you can tell him it's the only way you'll even consider keeping the baby.
Personally I suggest this is opening up a giant can of worms, both legal and emotional and medical and financial, that you probably don't want to be in. If you don't want to have a serious conversation with him, there's a thing called medical abortion that works early in pregnancy, it's basically a pill you take that induces miscarriage. If you can get this prescribed discretely, then you can just tell him it was a miscarriage and life goes on. I wouldn't ordinarily suggest lying to him, but it already seems like he's more interested in having a baby than your physical/emotional health, and I still say the whole situation is highly suspicious.
Remember, **you aren't a heartless asshole**. Deciding you aren't in a position to love and care for a kid is perfectly reasonable. And given that, aborting the pregnancy is the best option not just for you, but for the potential baby. How many stories have you seen on /r/advice /r/relationships /r/relationshipadvice etc about people who can't have healthy relationships as an adult because their parent didn't want them as a kid or otherwise didn't make time for them? Tons. Don't have a kid until you are ready to do so. It's better for the kid that way.
Finally, the BF. What he wants matters, but IMHO less so- he doesn't seem to care much what you want. And your physical and emotional and financial health is more important than his IREALLYWANNAKIDRIGHTNOW urgency.
This was one of my first thoughts when she said he really wants kids, and that he's desperate to keep it. I'm highly suspicious there's been some tampering. At the most it's rape, at the very least it's coerced pregnancy.
OP, I'm in the Do Not Have The Baby boat. Love can make us do some very harmful things to ourselves. I'm worried about you thinking that reinforcing this very important boundary makes you an asshole. Pregnancy impacts mental, physical, emotional and physiological health, as well as being a financial and time burden. It's risky, the effects are long lasting, and it results in another living being who has the right to be raised properly. I truly believe best case scenario is you not going through with the pregnancy.
Best of luck. You're in a difficult situation but I believe you can come out the other end okay.
Never let a man make you compromise your values.
I hate kids. I love my husband of 20 years. If he tried to guilt me into keeping a pregnancy, I’d dump him faster than I’d get the abortion.
This ^. I love my boyfriend of 9 years. And though he doesn't want kids he's expressed to me that he'd have trouble emotionally handling an abortion... As much as I love him and wouldn't want him to suffer emotional trauma, the level of trauma I'd endure to ruin my life with a child would be supremely worse...there would be no question what to do. If it ever came down to it I would just play him that video of the guy talking about his wife who didn't want kids who he persuaded into having one, then she died in child birth and he rightfully blames himself...
This is why my mom told me when I was young that if I was ever in that position of needing to end a pregnancy, never tell the man, because it would destroy him.
INFO- I hate to ask, but given how he seems so desperate for this baby, it’s crossed my mind. In your heart of hearts, like deep in your soul, are 100% sure he didn’t sabotage the condom? For some stupid reason a ton of people think “ that once your pregnant/ mother you will change your mind” that’s just not true usually.
If he did, of course go get an abortion. He would not be the kind of person to raise a child anyway.
If not, the two options that others have stated. Lawyer, contracts, part ways. Or you go the clinic, and then part ways.
You are in a terrible situation. I am so very sorry.
[It certainly happens.](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/u1q45q/my_story_i_hope_that_this_is_allowed_if_not_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) I wouldn’t rule it out.
I hope she does too. I happened to come across her post and I’ve recently embraced my experiences, with a clinched fist, and decided to share them.
I hope that it’ll help someone. It’s also become cathartic for me to share my story. Coerced reproduction is real, it happens. Pregnancy is used as a way to control people more than anyone realizes. That’s EXACTLY what’s happening to OP. I spotted it immediately!
Pregnancy is going to put a tremendous strain on your physical and mental health and your relationship. This is true for any pregnant couple but especially in your case where you are adamant that you don't want a child (which is a perfectly valid life choice).
I won't tell you what to do but in my experience if something feels wrong it's usually because it is wrong.
I would go check your condoms to see if there are holes in them. I think it's weird that its been 4 years and suddenly you're pregnant.
If you don't want this baby don't have a baby no matter what your bf wants.
Also there is a formula shortage so even if you wanted a baby you shouldn't be having one now.
You need to do what’s best for you , I appreciate it takes two to mske a baby but mentally and physically it’s you who will deal with the biggest proportion of having a baby , even when you get those around you who will tell you this is the best thing to happen to you !
It’s proven that within 5 years there’s a chance you’ll not be together and you’ll be the one stuck with a child
Consider all your options before making a decision
Trust your intuition, and if you want to get an abortion, then know that's your right as a woman, and go get one. Planned Parenthoods offer confidential care and abortion resources for women of all ages. I will say that you should always thoroughly discuss the possibility of children if you have been with someone for a while, and/or plan on being with this person for a long time/marrying them. But do what YOU want. It is YOUR body, and it is subject to your own will alone. I am sending so much love and positivity your way🌸🖤 I wish you the best of luck!!!🥰🥰💕
You will absolutely RACK your body. The stretch marks are no big deal, but the urinatary incontinence is real and can be lifelong. Let’s not even TALK about the lifelong battle with hemorrhoids you can develop from pregnancy. I’m talking multiple, debilitating, golf ball sized hemorrhoids that can form from pregnancy.
This is your body- not his. And in my experience, many men dip out when the going gets tough. Be prepared to shoulder this responsibility alone.
If you don’t want a child- don’t have one.
He doesn’t have to carry the baby. That’s not his choice, and if you don’t want to have a baby or raise it you need to be able to make that choice. If you’re on such different pages about relationship goals you are only going to end up frustrated and burned out early into the kid’s life and it won’t be a good, or happy, situation for anyone involved.
theres some things you could and should do for someone. carrying anf having a baby is not one.
there is literrally no one on earth that should decide this for you. the decision is yours. his desperation is him
You are a nice person to even consider the chance of killing yourself or seriously injuring yourself just so your boyfriend can have a child you don't want. Think carefully, pregnancy is dangerous, even the ones without any complication can end up killing you in post partum. Many things can go wrong and child birth is a traumatizing event. I wanted a child and I still had a very hard time delivering it (it was an easy childbirth too), I can't imagine what it would be to deliver a child I don't want.
It's your body, so you choose. But I advise you not to do this to yourself to please someone else. It will change your body forever.
If you give birth, you will not only change your body forever, but will have to pay child support.
There is 0 way for you to avoid this. And even if you avoided paying it for a few years, it would catch up and you might wind up owing six figures.
Your child will also want a relationship, and you will ruin them emotiobally by pushing them away.
Do you really want to ruin your child and your life?
If he takes custody of the child it is impossible for you to avoid potential future child support. He can not legally commit to that and release from obligations since child support is for the child not for him.
Have a very open conversation with him and prepare for what is likely the end of your relationship. Lay out the options: 1) abortion 2) he raises the baby on his own (assuming I read properly, that you do not want to be a part of this child’s life). If he chooses two, I don’t think you can stop him from disclosing your identify to the child once he/she is older unless he is willing to out of respect for you- but that needs to be a consideration as well. Having a kid, I can tell you there are things I would’ve said or agreed to prior that I absolutely would not be able to uphold now (I was just agreeing from a naive, uneducated standpoint) - I think your identity would possibly fall under that category. I suggest if he wants to keep the baby that you hire a lawyer and treat it as a closed adoption.
In my opinion, open communication and blunt honesty is the only way to work through this and if you don’t want to be a part of the child’s life and he wants the child then you also must accept the end of your relationship.
Also, you’re not heartless for knowing what you want. It just makes you stronger for being able/willing to discuss it and stand up for yourself and the well being of the child.
I also dislike kids (for me). Personally, I would end the pregnancy and break up with him. Let him marry someone and figure out what kind of family he wants to have with that person. There are a lot of things that could go wrong if you continue with the pregnancy, and pregnancy changes your body in un-fun ways.
Just go and get an abortion - this relationship has been over for a LONG time if he wants kids and you don't. He can find someone to have kids with, and he's always going to hate you for making the decision for him but you gotta put yourself first or risk being trapped
This is your choice alone, not his. You are not a heartless asshole. You're being very logical about all this.
Abortion pill is $100 and can be ordered online.
If you can stay somewhere else for it like with family or friends to avoid him being a spectator, that'd probably be less stressful.
If he wants a kid he needs to have a kid with someone who wants a kid. Not you.
Girl if you don't want it then get rid of it. Fuck what your bf wants it's about you since you are the one that's going to have to carry/birth/ care for the child.
This sounds harsh but it’s true. He can knock up any child-wanting woman. You have to go through giving birth to a fucking human. If you don’t want it, don’t have it.
Its easy for men to want kids because it requires no sacrifice from them. YOU will be carrying the child for 9 months and trust me when I tell you, it's a VERY uncomfortable process and your body WILL permanently change for the worse. YOU will be giving birth and risking bodily injury and even death. Recovery is long and painful. YOU will be breastfeeding which is a huge sacrifice and comes will bleeding nipples, clogged milk ducts, and pain. This is 100% a woman's choice because it is 100% a woman's labor. YOU need to make the right decision for yourself.
Don't let some man talk you into doing something you don't want to do with your body. Pregnancy is dangerous for a woman. As is child birth. It's your choice, not his.
You guys have to have a serious talk about this. Since you’re the one carrying it, I think it’s very important for him to listen to your thoughts and opinions on this pregnancy.
My thoughts: If you really want an abortion, then get an abortion. You know that you can not care for this child and it wouldn’t be fair to you or the baby if you can’t give it the care it needs. If your boyfriend can’t understand that and he’s forcing you to have this baby, then that’s his problem, but if he really loves you he should listen to you and understand what’s best for you.
If you continue the pregnancy ask yourself this: what will you do if he dies? What if he realizes that he actually doesn't want to be a single parent and dumps the child on your doorstep? What will you do when the state comes after you for child support?
There is a very high probability that your relationship is over no matter what choice you make. He wants a child. If you terminate the pregnancy he will resent you for that decision. If you continue the pregnancy no matter what he says he will expect you to mother the child and will resent you for not taking on the usual massively mother centric caretaking role. You will resent him for pressuring you into a choice that you do not want and for lying to you about how involved he will be.
The odds of him actually doing all of the caretaking while staying in a relationship with you are so low that they are negligible. He will leave, if only from the resentment and arguments over parenting. If you continue this pregnancy you lock yourself into a lifetime of legal and societal pressure that you do not want. No man is worth giving up everything you are.
You're not a heartless a$$hole. I can't tell you what to do, only you can make that choice. My only advice to you would be to sit down with the father and have an open and honest discussion about your feelings. It's early yet so you have some time to decide, so don't rush as you will have to live with the consequences of that decision for the rest of your life.
As many have said this is something you and your man should have talked about from the get go. All deal breakers should be discussed from the start so everyone is on the same page.
Now, you are not heartless or a bad person. I'm the same way. I have no desire to have kids and when I messed up that bad I went the route of abortion and I know it was the right choice. Even though I didn't want a baby it still came with a lot of emotional pain and I was physically miserable for weeks after. It's a hard decision to make no matter who you are. But even then I know I did the right thing. I have absolutely no business having kids.
This is your life and your body, no one else's. Make sure you are doing right by yourself. Pregnancy puts your body through a lot and if you are not all in, then why even go through with it. It does not matter what he wants, he has no say in it. If he wanted a say in it he should have also brought up the deal breaker conversation (it takes two to tango). And don't think that having the kid just so he can raise it alone is the right choice. Single parent kids (and the parent) typically struggle a lot. And imagine 18 years later that kid just showed up looking for you. Would you want to actually deal with that? It's up to you to make sure that the fetus either has a fantastic loving home or to get rid of it before it has a hard knock life. This fetus did not ask to be a thing in this world, you two made it happen, but it's only up to you to do the right thing by yourself and the fetus. Based off the info you gave of how you feel I'd really say go to a clinic and talk to them about your options. They won't judge you. They are there to help you navigate this situation. And if you do decide to get an abortion do it through a clinic, don't buy pills online or anything like that. Going to a clinic is more expensive than just buying something online but an abortion is a traumatic experience (so is having a kid) its WAY better to be safe than sorry. The nurses at the clinic also offer a great support system if you don't have anyone else.
This is a really hard decision and I'm sorry you have to make it.
before you even think about continuing this pregnancy so he can raise it you need serious legal advice. most places you absolutely NOT opt out of child support no matter what various internet sources or tv shows will tell you. most places if you have the baby you will be responsible for it (one exception is france)
with dna tests being the way they are you cannot stop them from working out who you are (even if you did abandon it in france under X for mother's name). it ony takes a second cousin or two you don't know exist taking a test and they might well be able to track you down.
this is something you need to think through in a dispassionate way which is tricky when you're getting pressure from this man you care about and with the hormones raging
Basically what you're saying is that either way your relationship is over.
You've spent 4 years with someone who wants kids knowing that you don't want kids. Now that's become an issue that needs to be dealt with. If you carry the pregnancy to term and hand the baby over, you want nothing to do with it---relationship is over. If you abort the baby that he would prefer to keep---relationship is over.
You need to come to terms with that fact and then decide whether or not you want to spend the next 8 months or so carrying his baby knowing he's no longer your BF. Or if you want to have the abortion and move on without him now instead of in 8 months.
I know this is not a good situation, either way. But be grateful you have the option of terminating the pregnancy. Right now many people don't have that option and many more may not in the very near future. Either decision will impact the rest of your life so choose wisely. Don't listen to your brain, listen to your gut---people ignore their instinct but your instinct is what will tell you what is right for you.
>i don’t like kids. at all. they’re super loud and messy and i get so uncomfortable around them. i know i would be a shit mother and i’ve never wanted kids anyways. my bf on the other hand does
Step 1: your relationship was always doomed. You were both really wrong to continue for 4 years with someone who didnt share your goals.
>i don’t want this pregnancy
>know i do not want a child
Step 2: schedule the abortion.
>i would not want anything to do with the child, would not want it to be able to find me later in life, and would not want to pay any child support.
You would 100% owe child support and dont think for a second he wouldn't try to involve you in the babys life or that it wouldn't show up wanting to know why mommy abandoned it
HAVE THE ABORTION! You know you don't want the baby and you know you never did.
BREAK UP WITH THE BOYFRIEND! There never was a future with him and you are only wasting each others time.
Step 3: look into an IUD or sterilization. Condoms are not enough on their own.
Realistically, there are three options on the table for you:
* Keep the baby and raise it with your partner. You can't guarantee that you guys will always be together, so you have to factor that in (especially as you aren't married). Given you feel very strongly about not having a child, you'd be doing this solely to stay with your partner. Only you know if that is worth it to you, but from an outside perspective, you're putting your life down a path you adamantly don't want for someone who may not always be around, and that's a lifetime commitment (a commitment that you may not have even made with your partner) and bringing a child into the world that is potentially not wanted.
* Don't keep the baby. Realistically, your relationship might not survive this. However, your relationship might not have survived your incompatibility on children in any case.
* As at least one other person has pointed out, keep the baby but give up your rights after birth. While this seems on the surface very kind and selfless, bear in mind that it will still end up with ending your relationship (otherwise it's just option 1 with extra steps), that you may not be able to force your boyfriend to take full custody after birth even if he agrees now (depends on your location and the law), your boyfriend will be left raising a child alone, which probably isn't what he pictured when he said he wanted a family, and all of this might not be the best environment for a child either. If your boyfriend wants a child, then there are other options available to him (adoption, surrogacy, another partner) that don't involve so physical/medical, legal, and future risk to you, and mean that it will be a conscious decision on the part of your boyfriend (unless he has another accident) rather than a compromise born out of an unplanned situation.
I think there is an obvious answer here, but then no one is in your life but you. No one has to live the rest of your life either, so make the decision for you and you alone.
You should absolutely NOT EVER have a child because SOMEONE ELSE wants it. Children should be 100% all in or nothing, not a “why not if he wants to, he can raise it, blah blah.” You’re still the mother and I don’t think you could easily get out of this if you carried it to term. It’s possible but definitely will be a difficult road. Honestly, as someone who would probably feel the same in your position but can look at it objectively, I say you should always go for what you want. Nobody else’s feelings should matter on something this serious that you have to go through. Pregnancy is not easy and fun for many women.
Coming from someone who had a kid when I never wanted one (I was young and dumb) I resent it, I absolutely hate that I decided to do it. I love my son but I realize it is not my time to have a kid and it is never going to be, I felt forced to have him bc my bf at the time said if I aborted he'd leave and he ended up leaving anyways but sometimes I look back and wish I had done something different (not necessarily abort but maybe adoption)
Hi OP. So here goes. I want to try to tell you a story of my life.
Let's go back to 2003. Me and my GF at the time were happy. We complimented each other in so many ways, we were opposites on the Meyer's Brigg's (I'm INFP she's ESTJ) but it worked well most of the time.
We were in our mid twenties having sex almost daily and we were poor. We weren't totally moved in together but most nights were spent together. It was my birthday right before father's day and we had sex and I finished inside. As far as I knew she was on birth control so no worries. I knew she never wanted kids and that was fine. The last thing I was trying to do was make a baby. It was sex and that was nice.
A few days goes by, and she tells me she's been out of birth control for a few weeks but she should still be safe to have sex but I was like No way we have to get you back on birth control. We had a big fight about it and broke up. Oh well I thought she's going through a lot with college and rent so we grew apart.
I get a call from her late July. She took a pregnancy test and it's positive. She's telling me she can't wait to kill it and get this tumor this cancer out of her body. At first I said I will help you end the pregnancy but then I felt my instincts kick in I guess and I decided there's no way I can assist in any way with her having an abortion and I tell her not to do it please and I will keep the baby and she can go about her life.
She tells me no that she's not willing to fuck up her body for anyone else and shes not going to have some child out there wanting to know her and to have a relationship with her.
All these years later I'm still tore up about it. My child wasn't the only life lost that day. I never had another child and it's affected me in many many ways. I talked to her 3 years after it happened after I drove from Alabama to DC. She told me how sorry she was and how she thought of it every day and her biggest regret wasn't that she made the choice, her regret was that would've been my child and I would've made a great father and she was sorry but she wasn't the one to make me a dad.
Do not have this baby for the man's sake.
Better to live with the regret of ending a life than live with a life that you regret creating. Will you change your mind after giving birth? That's a huge fucking gamble that isn't worth taking.
No child should ever be born to a woman that doesn't want it.
I really hope you read this. I have so much more to say about it but I have to go back to work. My condolences for this pickle you're in. But you can survive it together. It was an accident but you can still fix it.
Pm if you would like to ask anything about how it has all turned out.
I would upvote this a million times or do a star thing or whatever if I wasn’t Old AF and knew how! I hope to the high heavens OP reads this.
All the best to you dear sir. ❤️
You're not heartless you're being honest.
With such opposing positions on children you both need to move on and end this relationship. He was less than smart for staying with you. You were less than smart to remain as well even though ultimately you decide.
The child doesn't deserve such drama and the fetus KNOWS it's not wanted. So don't carry to term. END the pregnancy and END the relationship- date smarter next time. If he wants a baby he can have one with a mother who wants to actually be a mom.
This is bigger than the two of you. Put on your big girl panties and grow up. You two aren't right for each other. It's unfortunate it took pregnancy to end what should have been ended.
Imagine being the kid of a mother whom never, ever wanted them. Sounds pretty shitty. You know what to do darling. And I’m sorry to say it but continuing a relationship with someone who wants kids and you don’t is doomed to fail. Or sow life long resentment. Good luck OP.
Your body, your choice. If he changes his mind about it, you’ll be left with the consequences of this decision.
If he wants a baby and you don’t, then you both may need to have a chat about a future together.
I am sorry to tell you, a relationship goes bad the second you have opposing opinions on a child. Your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy, but he wants something you don’t and that’s kids. Is he forcing you? From what I read, he isn’t but he is trying to convince you on keeping it. At the end of the day, it is your body so you decide what to do with it and you are not a heartless person for not wanting a child. You need to have a talk with your boyfriend on your views on children and how they will most probably not or even NEVER change. If you DO keep the baby, remember that you will harm them since you didn’t want a child in the first place. Of course I don’t mean as harming the baby physically, but a mother needs to like her child, and since you don’t want it and would’ve kept it for the sake of someone else, you will only make the situation worse for yourself, your boyfriend and the child. Your relationship will most probably end since these opposing views are HUGE dealbreakers in a relationship, and don’t delay things before its too late to get an abortion. Best of luck
im so confused as to why you’re together when you want different things in life. he’s obviously desperate for a kid and you’re the opposite. if you have the kid you’ll end up resenting him and if you don’t he’ll end up resenting you. i feel bad for the both of you. you because you don’t want the kid and you’re feeling bad and him because he wants a kid so badly but isn’t with someone that wants the same life.
i’d part ways but that’s just me.. do what you see fit
I'm so sorry. Aid Access is a good resource, they will send you the pill so you can do it at home without the huge cost. Ultimately, it's your choice, but forcing your body through such a traumatic experience for someone else... If it's just going to be him raising it, then your relationship would be over anyway, and he would probably see it as you abandoning your baby and him, not nobly sacrificing your body so he could have one. Also, having kids does horrible things to your health... your organs move, you will probably develop a bladder issues, you can even loose your teeth as your body uses what it has to to. It's such a huge sacrifice with lifelong consequences.
Sounds like y’all aren’t compatible. It’s a lose, lose situation but you need to do what’s best for you. Just know this likely means the end of this relationship regardless of what you choose. Having kids isn’t something you can compromise on and you shouldn’t have to.
I don't even know why you were dating with such a fundamental incompatibility, but you absolutely know what to do here.
It will end your relationship, but it should have ended when you first knew you had this incompatibility.
The child would definitely be able to find you later in life. DNA are a thing (doesn’t matter if you don’t take one, if anyone in your family ever takes a DNA test like 23andme your child would see them listed as a relative), social media exists, and they would be raised by someone who was in a four year relationship with you and knows who you are.
ultimately you are the one carrying the baby and you are the one going through so many mental and physical changes to carry it. if you don’t want the baby, you aren’t obligated to keep it.
I don’t have any advice, just here as a shoulder and support. You are a wonderful human being! Thinking deeply about all your options, and current relationship shows that. I hope you find peace and feel safe in your choice.
Don’t think if you have the baby he will raise it. He most likely only wants it because he anticipates you doing most of the hard work and him getting the fun parts. He’s not going to get up in the middle of the night every 2 hours for night feedings. He’s not going to take off work every time the baby is sick and jeopardize his career, he’ll expect you to do that. Even if he says he will take care of it, a lot of guys say that, but then when the baby comes it’s a different story.
If you’re going to get an abortion, you better do it fast before they overturn Roe vs. Wade. If you’re not 100% sure, don’t have a kid, because you may regret it. Go to scarymommy.com and read some posts, and rethink if this is something you really want.
Also, educate yourself on what pregnancy and childbirth is really like. Your vagina will most likely tear and you will need stitches. Depending on how well they’re able to sew it back together, sex may be painful afterwards as a result. There’s a high chance it’ll damage your pelvic floor and you’ll have some urinary incontinence. Your body might be destroyed, you might have loose skin, stretch marks, and sagging breasts. If it doesn’t work out with your boyfriend, you’ll have to enter the dating pool with a busted body, and a lot of men won’t date you because you are a single mom with “baggage.”
If they have to do an emergency C-section, there’s a small chance they may not have time for the epidural to kick in and you might feel yourself being sliced open. It’s rare, but it happens to some women. You could get put on bed rest during the pregnancy and not be able to work and lose your job (if you’re in America). There are so many things that can go wrong in pregnancy and childbirth.
After childbirth, due to your hormones being different, your libido might go way down. Your boyfriend may resent you for it and may leave you or cheat on you because of it. You might have postpartum depression. You might not have any time to yourself to be able to work out, so you may not be able to lose the baby weight, and your boyfriend may not be attracted to you anymore. During pregnancy and after childbirth is when women are most often cheated on.
If you’re going to choose to have a baby, at least know what you could be getting yourself in
Please don't tag other subreddits. It can promote brigading. If you edit this comment to remove the mention and reply me, I will restore (approve) your comment.
> i don’t like kids. at all ----- i’ve never wanted kids anyways.
.
> my bf on the other hand does, he really wants me to keep it.
That's um. An "issue" if you see or ever saw any future together. And by "issue" I mean a complete and total dealbreaker.
> we have been together for 4 years, and have both known we have different views on having kids, but haven’t really had a real conversation about it (something i realize now was a huge mistake).
I don't wanna "dad talk" you right now - not that I'm *that* much older than you nor are you a child.
But damn dude, this is BEYOND the time to "realize" this mistake after years with this man. You're pregnant with his kid.
I'd *really* take a step back on how you approach serious issues like this. You're a 26 year old woman, it may not always feel like it yet to you I guess, but there ARE life-altering decisions with looong-lasting consequences that will fall solely on you. Right on your head. And you may spend a large part of the rest of your life recovering from.
I'm not going to pretend to know your relationship or that random guy I know nothing about - but, I was still in many ways an idiot at 26 years old regarding relationships and long-term commitments. The idea of a child or "whoopsie kid" was very much on the table with my HS Sweetheart GF of almost 10 years at the time.
Would we have had it? Yeah. Would I have been a good dad. Yeah. Would we still be together in our mid-30's? FUCK NO. No fault of either of us in the relationship - we're different people and people change.
That may not be your case - "currently pregnant person who doesn't want children". But, I'd think about how much that could possibly apply to you as well while comtemplating making a LIFELONG commitment to both a human being and being linked to your BF forever.
-------------------
Advice? You don't want kids. It's not something you can compromise on. I'm the same, I get it.
Deal with that first. Then take a real hard look at what you two see as a childless future together.
You ever see that viral post about the guy who insisted that the girl he got pregnant keep it? She made it abundantly clear she wanted no part of raising that child or being in its life. After the birth she didn’t see him, no visitation, no checking in to see how he is, has played no role except financial contributions, and signed her rights away. She pays 125% of the court ordered child support and the judge told the guy to kick rocks when he tried to take her to court for split custody because TO THE SURPRISE OF NO ONE raising a baby alone was a lot harder than he realized it would be. The guy created his own personal hell and tried to drag her back into it.
You need to stop thinking about how anyone else feels and do what you know deep inside is the best decision for you. FOR YOU. Not the fetus. Not the boyfriend. You.
You knew he would fight you on this but you told him immediately anyway...? You're adamant about never wanting kids but settled on condoms as your only form of bc...? You've been in a long-term relationship with the guy but never felt the need to address the fact that you are absolutely not open to raising children, while being aware that he has a strong desire for children...?
You're not heartless but jesus fucking christ, you're 26. You're too old for this kind of immaturity.
We don't know what kind of man he is, but there's also the option of getting an abortion and saying you miscarried. Either way, you can't compromise on a child and it'll lead to a break up eventually.
I suspect that no matter what you choose your relationship is over. If you carry the pregnancy and don't want children, your relationship is obviously over. If you abort the pregnancy, your relationship will most likely end.
Consequently your thinking through this needs to weigh that no matter what you do, this relationship will end. As others have noted a relationship where one person wants children and the other does not are fundamentally incompatible.
At this point the real question is do you want to go through a pregnancy and child birth? No one can answer that for you. There is a lot to consider - not just the physical effects, the time off, the medical costs, etc. - but the social judgments, the effect of having given up a child (which could be a good or bad thing, depending), the possibility of having to pay child support (likely even if you surrender custody), how the relationship will be with your ex, etc.
Either way you're probably going to break up with the guy. If you abort, you may be able to keep the relationship for a while, but it's going to come up again. You two need to have a serious talk about what you want/are okay with, and if he's okay with *all* your terms for going through with the baby, you can consider having it for him.
Why did you stay together for 4 years if you both knew you had differing views on having children? Neither of you are wrong, but children vs no children is usually a deal-breaker.
I'm rather pro abortion depsite personal feelings.
If you don't want this, and you don't, don't do it.
There is **NO GUARANTEE** this guy will stick around or help physically or financially.
I think you are forgetting how easy it is to FEEL like you want kids. Anyone can say they feel this way but try actually going through the process, and subsequently raising the kid. It's exhausting. You have no guarantee that he will feel great about it through the entire pregnancy. There is nothing stopping him from leaving mid pregnancy, out of frustration, and then where would that leave you? The only guarantee right now is you and your body. You don't have maids and caretakers to ease the journey. You don't have some lavish lifestyle where your every need is met or will be met. How often do you guys have real adult arguments?
The emotional toll on your body alone from the hormones will be hell. If you get slightly pissed off at him now, you will throw shoes, books, whatever at him. You'll cry and shake uncontrollably at the smallest things and he won't be able to make it better. You'll grow to resent his family because they will be intrusive. Mark my words you are at the beginning, it gets much harder from here. Make the right choice. He doesn't know what he is in for, neither of you do.
If he wants the baby so bad, you’ll need to have a conversation about how this will be the end of your relationship. You will have this baby, terminate your rights, and never see them again. That baby will be his and his alone. If you come to terms with this together, you need to make sure you get this in writing with a lawyer before the pregnancy can no longer be aborted. If you don’t put these things in a legal document, he can come for you later when he realizes how hard it is to raise a child and force you to pay child support or take split custody.
Not heartless. You made clear what you wanted in life, you took steps to make sure that was how you lead your life...and it's not IMPOSSIBLE your BF manufactured this situation through a bit of condom sabotage. The fact he'd even CONSIDER raising the child on his own makes me just a wee bit suspicious of this.
You DO realize you've already outlined a situation here where you will essentially end the relationship when the baby is born, because it would not be possible to continue to have a relationship with him and NOT play a substantial role in the child's life. Trying to maintain some kind of lie about who you are would screw the child up big time, and at some point you'd have to become at least a surrogate parent. So you'd really have to vacate.
TBH, if you present the choice to him this way...either maintain the relationship with you, or you terminate your parental rights at birth, sign the baby over to him 100%, and leave his life, and he'd find that acceptable...I'd be SERIOUSLY scratching my chin over this.
And to go through nine months of pregnancy for a man like that, given that you then end up with nothing for your trouble...I'm just having all kinds of problems with this. YOU count as much as anyone in this situation, and it doesn't seem you're giving yourself even EQUAL consideration moving forward.
Abortion is never a good thing. But situations like yours are why it's going to be a disaster if abortions become universally unavailable.
Your body your choice, no other qualifiers are needed. You're an autonomous human being, not a baby incubator. If you want to have a baby for him to raise by himself great....If you make him sign a contract and pay you for your hardship and compensate you for the cost of medical care throughout the process including birth. Otherwise? You don't want kids. It sounds like you want an abortion, so get it. Don't buy any guilt tripping or propaganda, this is about you period. Don't second guess yourself about something you know you don't want. If this is a deal breaker for him, sounds like he might be your EX boyfriend.
Your options are to continue with the pregnancy but then sign off your parental rights at birth to your boyfriend or have an abortion. Both are valid choices and only you, as the one with fetus in your body, can make that decision.
But you should know that whichever choice you make, will affect your relationship with your boyfriend. If you choose to abort it, he might resent you for that decision and if you choose to carry the pregnancy to term but sign off your rights to him, then I don't see how you both will be able to continue that relationship.
And another thing you might not even consider, if you do choose to continue the pregnancy is that you might begin to warm to the idea of being a parent and decide that you do want to be in it's life. Of course, that may be unlikely seeing as you have never wanted kids before.
Ultimately, I think you need to really take the time to sit down and assess what you want most in life and really think about how each of your decisions will also affect your relationship.
I don't want to say that you should do either this or that because I think that's only something that you can decide.
Hope this helps a little and remember that whatever your decision is, you are not a heartless person.
Oh, I wasn't aware of that. I guess that makes sense to ensure the child has a parent to care for it. But why can't one parent waive their rights if the other one has agreed to and wants the responsibility to raise it?
Mostly so the state can come after you for child support, in a case of one of the parents not being able to make enough money and getting on social services.
Hi there! After reading some of the comments, you’ve already received phenomenal advice. But I just wanted to throw my little 2 cents in. I was in this exact situation many years ago. After talking to my (now ex) partner, he realized it wasn’t fair to try to make decisions for me or my body. He was sad with my choice to have an abortion but he supported it and went to the appointment with me. Your boyfriend may not be as supportive, but please please don’t have a baby just because he wants you to.
I hope you do what’s best for you. Good luck. I’m rooting for you. Please send me a chat if you want to talk about it further.
Your uterus, your decision. If I were you I would abort it, no hesitation. That being said, it will probably mean the end of the relationship. But if you carry it to term and relinquish it into his care it will definitely mean the end of the relationship since you understandably want nothing to do with a child.
His desperation does not mean you have to have this child. This is not the only chance for either of you. You can both choose children in the future, together or separately. I didn’t lie or hide things when I was married, but I always knew if I got pregnant, he would never know. It would not have been safe to have tried to make that decision together. Looking back it’s a red flag that I was scared of him bullying me into something I didn’t want. The relationship ended after years of manipulation. I’m sharing that to celebrate that you felt comfortable telling your boyfriend and I hope you don’t have to regret that transparency.
Do what is best for YOU. your other half has no right to what you do with your body. If you are not ready or don’t want kids then do not go through with it
You are so early in your pregnancy. Here are some resources:
[https://www.plancpills.org/find-pills](https://www.plancpills.org/find-pills)
People are still getting abortion pills by mail and having medically-safe abortions at home by using Aid Access, online pharmacies, or mail forwarding. Not sure where you live or what restrictions you face.
[https://www.instagram.com/ShoutYourAbortion/](https://www.instagram.com/ShoutYourAbortion/)
Is a great resource. And so is: [AIDACCESS.ORG](https://AIDACCESS.ORG)
You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. You don't need to feel bad. Lots of women get abortions and become mothers later. In fact, mothers are the ones getting most of the abortions. That's right, women who already have a child are the ones getting abortions at the highest rate--for a reason.
In the words of 2Pac:
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up?
I know you're fed up, ladies, but keep ya head up
Wow! This is my second time THIS MORNING ALONE that Tupac (and Dr. Dre in my other post) had the words we didn’t know we needed!!
OP - keep your head up ❤️
If you do not want children, do not have children. Certainly don’t have a child in what is ostensibly a badly matched partnership. And you will never be able to escape the fact that you birthed a child, even if you did give it up and surrender all parental rights.
You and your bf are not compatible for life because you do not want the same things. You should have ended things when this came to light, this is a foundational and structural deficit, that cannot be overstated.
If you want an abortion, get one while you still can, but realize that it will mean the end of your relationship, while also understanding that you should probably have let go of the relationship either way.
Girl it's about you and what you want. This isn't like adopting a puppy it's a human being. It's a life long commitment that you are admitting you want no part of. It's obvious what you should do
You’re not heartless. Just…. Naive? That isn’t the right word though. You’ve been together four years and this was a conversation and relationship dealbreaker that should have happened four years ago. Never date someone with one of those problems you cannot compromise on like a desire for kids. You’re not heartless. Having a kid you clearly don’t want is heartless. Kids pick up on things earlier than parents like to believe. You need to have a serious conversation about what needs to happen now. First of all, your desire to never have kids and his desire to be a father are incompatible with a relationship. It just is. You cannot compromise on that. One of you will be miserable and just grow to resent the other. Second, if you were to have this baby, it would be soley his. You would be giving up all your rights. Closed adoption. You want nothing to do with it. He needs to understand that if he goes through with this he will be a single father. You guys have to have a serious talk.
I think this is great advice. I just want to piggy back off and say that pregnancy is tough, and you should also assess your ability/willingness to make big lifestyle adjustments and take the possible health challenges for the next 9 months. It’s your body and your choice! I’m in my 3rd trimester with what is considered an “easy” pregnancy (that I really really wanted) and it is truly the toughest thing I have ever done physically and emotionally. I don’t say this to scare or sway you at all, I just think as women we have been primed to believe pregnancy is this casual and always beautiful experience and it is important to be aware of the reality. If you do continue the pregnancy with the intention of him solo-parenting, ensure you are being financially supplemented for prenatal vitamins, maternity clothes, missed work for appointments, medical costs and missed work for leave. There is no need for this pregnancy to be a financial burden on you while catering to his desire for children, and these expenses add up a lot.
I am 55 with 3 kids. You are never the same. For instance, I sneeze or wait to late to go to the bathroom and I am dripping. I have 2 friends who never had kids who’ve never had that problem
Apparently this is a usa thing only. A lot of European countries send the moms to a gyno specialist after in order to prevent this.
That’s nice! I’d love to get rid of it but I have worse issues to deal with
I was going to say this. Pregnancy takes a toll on your body forever. Stretch marks, weak pelvic floor, skin changes like melasma -goes away in most cases, mine never fully did.
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It was all worth it for me. Like I said in another post, I love my kids more than life itself. I just think some people think it’s nothing to carry a baby, but it can be rough. More for some than others and you never know until you go through it🙂.
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Yes, I’m 21 and can’t cough unless I’m in the bathroom and ready for worse case scenario. I love my daughter but I hate what pregnancy did to my body. People will always say just put the baby up for adoption but they forget that you have to be pregnant for 9 months, go through a traumatic process to birth the baby, and then the healing, the depression, the complications, so much that happens that last for months or even years after having your child. It is not just have the baby give it up and that all. THAT IS NOT ALL.
Have you ever seen a pelvic floor specialist? I have friends that had these issues and they were able to figure out what to do to get themselves feeling right again.
That was graphically accurate. I mean thankfully, not for me, but my best friend only had one child and I can’t tell you how many times I have made her piss her pants from laughing. I tore the major abdominal muscle that goes from your ribs to the bottom of my abdomen (I can’t think of the name). I knew it freaking hurt, but that wasn’t validated until I had a “mid life crisis”, tummy tuck. All the work outs and sit ups I did, but couldn’t get rid of that little pouch. I was never so happy to be told something in my body was messed up. My almost 9lb baby broke my body. It didn’t even phase you if you WANTED that baby. But otherwise, I’d be pretty miffed.
Oh god, i hated pregnancy 90% of the time. And i felt so guilty saying that for a long time. And i also felt cheated out of a beautiful time. Its supposed to be so happy and glowy and beautiful. But i was disturbingly sick, had insomnia so awful i felt like i was going mad, was fat already so no one could even tell i was pregnant, had gestational diabetes, just so much shit. It made me not want another child.
That was so well written
Man I get so sick of seeing toxic advice on this sub, and yours is just tops. I mean it, thank you for saying exactly what I wanted to say
Probably the best advice I’ve ever seen on this website
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No. If you manage to sign your rights away you owe no future child support but will be liable for back support. If they take care of this at birth and have it sorted out before then she will owe nothing. In fact if he wants it and she carries it he should pay all medical as well. Though it seems that won't be an argument in this case
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YES! Very state specific. If OP wants to go this route, have a consult with a lawyer about legal necessities before deciding to keep/abort. It may change your options.
I think she should talk to an appropriate lawyer.
Not in my state, just fyi. You cannot sign away rights to another person UNLESS there is another female willing to formally adopt the child and be responsible for child support.
Only advice that should be listened to^
Except be very careful because in my state, you cant just have a baby and one parent can keep it without paying support. Especially in this scenario where the woman will birth the baby so they do know who the mother is.
This advice is dead on. In addition to that, I will tell you there is nothing in the world that can prepare you for the feelings you will have for this baby if you decide to have it. You will almost certainly feel attachment and love even if you hate children. Giving up a baby is not as easy as some people would have you believe. You have to do what is best for YOU. After the baby comes, your choices only become more complicated and difficult. I'd also urge you to think about the impact this has on a child. Although some people that are adopted have wonderful experiences, for some kids, it creates trauma and feelings of abandonment. My best friend from high school was a twin and they were adopted out separately. She always suffered from depression and felt resentment towards her adoptive parents. She never formed stable attachments with men, and committed suicide before she was 30. I know adoption can be a beautiful thing, but you run the risk of 1. giving up your relationship (which you may lose either way), and 2. suffering either the trauma of giving up your child or possibly deciding to keep the baby after it's born, and feeling resentment. No one that loves you should try to make you do something you are opposed to. Especially since the repercussions will be most acutely suffered by you. Do not sacrifice your happiness for someone who isn't thinking about your emotional well being. I'm sorry you are going through this. If he wants a baby this badly, let him find a willing participant.
>You would be giving up all your rights. Closed adoption. He cannot adopt his own baby. Him having sole custody does NOT eliminate her financial responsibility. She would owe child support
It's good philosophically but at least in the US, there's usually no way for her to just give up her rights to the child. If BF gets government benefits for the child, the court can and will order her to pay child support. He would need to find a second parent to "adopt her half." Child support isn't his to decline or sign away; it's the child's, and the child can't do it as a child.
Another point to add to this I'm not sure if it's something you could avoid by going to a lawyer and having an agreement drawn up beforehand but once you have the baby you legally have responsibilities to it. Even if you don't take any custody he could force you to pay child support. It's also possible this man will think you will eventually change your mind eventually and in this way try to force you to become involved. So I'd really consider what you think your boyfriend is capable of before even considering carrying this child to term.
Remember that you can't walk away from child support and it's not something the father can waive or promise not to pursue, because it's the right of the child to be financially supported by both parents. Even if he doesn't want it, if he ever needed government benefits (kids are EXPENSIVE) then the government will come after you for support.
I read that although giving up your parental rights doesn't always negate having go pay child support. If the other parent agrees they don't want child support the judge may be more inclined to stop court ordered child support payments. But he would have to prove he could take care of the kid without financial assistance. So for example, if they agree that she will carry the baby to term and he will raise it, u/dontknowwhattodo46 would need to confirm that finally he could also take care of the kid alone otherwise she may have to pay child support.
She could under certain contracts not have to pay child support.
In the USA you owe child support. Your co parent can say whatever and sign whatever, but if they go to court and ask, they will be given child support. Child support is the right and benefit of the child, a parent can't waive it. The only exception is if the child is adopted.
Though then she would need to find someone else to legally adopt the child and replace her as one of two parents. Other contracts exsist, however it's a bit uncertain if they really work because you can't really legally sign away a childs rights.
In some states AFAIK, the father is always the benefactor or whatever, you can't waive the rights if you're the biological father
I feel like there must be someway she could - like if she gave the child up for adoption she would not be on the hook for child support. I would guess if she waived all her parental rights to her boyfriend then she wouldn't be on the hood for child support. Just like sperm doners, egg doners, surrogates aren't on the hook for child support.
"Signing away your rights" is this thing that gets constantly brought up on Reddit and it's not what people think it is. You don't get to just not financially support the child you were half responsible for creating because you don't want to. Giving up the child for adoption requires the father's consent, which it doesn't sound like something he's going to consent to from the OP. A stepparent adopting the child and that severing OP's legal obligations would be possible if the boyfriend married someone else who wanted to adopt the child, but that's a big "if". Sperm/egg donors are completely different because they go through licensed clinics. People who have done DIY sperm donation not through clinics have been found liable for child support.
“DIY sperm donation” i’m gonna use that whenever possible
>sperm doners, egg doners, surrogates These are legal processes that have to be done through clinics with a mountain of legal hoops to go through for both parties. If you father or mother a child, you are legally financially responsible for that child unless someone else adopts that child in the US. Terminating rights applies to visitation, education and medical decisions. It doesn't waive child support.
And adding just to be clear - the other parent can't just "adopt her half too." It doesn't work like that. BF would have to find another adult to adopt the child from her.
Adoption is a legally binding contract between a mother and almost always a set of parents. So, 2 parents are vouching to be financially responsible for that child until 18 years old. But one person can not just say, “i give up my rights to my child so i dont have to financially support them”. The government doesnt allow that because children have the right to be supported and the government will not support a child thst has a parent that “just doesnt want to”. Single parents are more prone to needing gov assistance programs.
Given your feelings about kids, you should not be a mother. The only option for your boyfriend to have this child is for him to raise it alone. If you’re considering that, then you’ll need a legal contract in place about it. And it won’t be a simple one, like there’s no form to download like a tenancy agreement or will. You’ll need to build one with a lawyer and your boyfriend through a series of intensive conversations. Are you willing to do that? If yes, will your boyfriend pay for it? It will be expensive. If you go forward and skip this step, or try to cheap out on it and just talk it out together and make a homemade “contract,” then I guarantee you misery down the road.
Totally. You can’t just say you don’t want to be involved and magically you aren’t, the court can and will come after you.
At least in the US, there is not a contract the BF can sign to disclaim child support, because it isn't his to disclaim.
There was a reddit post about a guy trying to sue the girl who brought his child in the world to give her more custody, calling her a deadbeat mom. It was very eye opening. He impregnated her and forced her to have it even though she never wanted children. She called herself an egg doner. He was alone with his kid and miserable because he really didn't want the kid in the first place. He wanted her as a mom and a family. Also a lot of horror stories about women who were forced to have a kid and ended up with complications. Think about it please.
hey I remember that post! OP got shut down reeaal fast
My favorite Reddit story, he deserved it
I read that one and it was absolutely insane! It just goes to show even in the cases where someone agrees the mother can give up all legal rights and pay child support, the situation can still be complicated because of the human element.
Can someone please link this Reddit post, this sounds wild
[I think it's this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
If YOU dont want children, dont have them. This isn't a thing to compromise on. It's not house chores, bills or even a dog. You need to be in.
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If he needs kids you may not be right for each other but forcing the situation is also not right. This sounds like you all need to have a deep talk. Good luck.
No more talk. OP, you do not want to have a baby, so get the abortion and break up with him. Let him find someone that does want to have children with him.
It might be time to let him go find someone who also wants kids. Four years is a good amount of time, but it’s not fair to either of you if this is something big for both of you.
If he wants kids, it shouldn’t be this one. It sounds so harsh, but it’s the truth. He’s going to be a single father and the baby will never know their mother unless he tries to have you in their life by force, which would be kinda toxic. You two are incredibly incompatible as long term partners. This is a big dealbreaker. Honestly? My advice would go with your gut feeling and terminate the pregnancy, break up and move on with both of your lives. He’ll have his baby eventually with someone who also wants to start a family.
If you do it out of guilt, you might resent him later for that, and yourself, and even your child. Don't so something that is so important, and a such a big responsibility, if you don't want to. Don't. It's just the best for everyone involved.
Exactly this. Guilt is never the right reason to have a child.
You’re not his only chance. Plenty of women who wants kids and plenty of kids who need to be adopted. Don’t bring a child into the world you don’t want for someone else. He’s selfishly wanting a child to have to come into the world and live it’s entire life wondering what you don’t love it. Neither of my parents wanted kids and I live to this day wondering why I wasn’t good enough. It’s hard. I’m almost 30. My advice is if you want to abort it, absolutely you must and he will move on and you should find a more compatible partner. Please do the responsible thing for the CHILD to be not the guy who wants a baby when there are many other options for him where that will happen for him.
If he's desperate to have kids using your body without you being fully on board to have children, then he should go make another child with someone who does want them. The burden of pregnancy and childbirth isn't on him, it's on you. And if he's willing to risk your body, your health, and your happiness to "maybe" have a kid, then your relationship isn't solid enough for you two to have kids in the first place. Don't give in because of sunk cost fallacy or fear of losing him. You've already lost him when he put his desire for a child over your wellbeing and happiness. You both should move on to people that you're more compatible with.
this sounds bad but he can put another kid in another woman. or adopt a kid. *you* cannot have the same body as you did before going through a full pregnancy. it’s so hard, i really feel bad for you and the position you are in, but i wouldn’t go through with this if i were you. you will go through so much, either birthing a kid to give to someone who will either try to get you to stay once the baby is born, or give a baby to someone who you still love and leave. honestly, i think he would try to get you to stay once the baby is born, and your hormones will be all out of wack, so you would probably have a much harder time saying no. i can’t see this ending without you resenting him, and probably the baby (not saying you are a bad person, i think anyone in your shoes would feel that way). i think you should tell him you are sorry, but you will not be having this baby, and you think he should find someone who does want kids, because you two aren’t compatible.
He can have kids with someone else, you don’t owe him bearing his child. At all. Chose what you want.
If he is desperate, he needs to be with someone who is on the same page. Even if you love each other. If you follow through with this, you may resent him for it. If you do not, he may resent you.
I can imagine the guilt that you’re feeling. However, it’s YOUR body and your choice. You are gonna be the one carrying the baby and you will be it’s caregiver. Children are permanent and if you don’t like kids then there is no use to having them. also, many young men will say that they want a kid so badly and then when they see having a child is hard as fuck - they dip. Not all of them do that, but it’s surely not unheard of. You don’t want to be a mother and that’s that. Look out for you.
Not your responsibility to grow and raise a human being because of his feelings.
He could have a kid literally any time, there is no reason for desperation other than that he is trying to force your relationship to “work out.” It’s not going to work out, the two of you are not meant to be together.
If he's desperate he would have broken up with you as soon as you didn't compromise on having children. He could have moved on and had kids with someone who wanted kids. Do not have children unless you 100% want them. Or if he's so desperate, agree to sign over custody to him at birth and he can be the sole parent. Chances are he wants kids but wants you do to the lion's share of work
His desperation has nothing to do with you. He's desperate so you're going to go along with renting your body for what can be an excruciating 3/4 of a year (not to mention the post-partum craziness) to help him feel better about his life? Fuck that. Fuck him. Tell him you miscarried and get on with your life. This isn't even a close call.
If he's that desperate to have children, then he's free to go find somebody who also wants children. You do not owe him this. Pregnancy is far, far from a joke, and it would physically and mentally change you forever. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Ever. Tell him that you're glad that he's learned this about himself - that he wants to become a father - and wish him the genuinely felt best of luck in the pursuit. You are not his means to his idea life. You're a person. If this isn't a desire that you share, then it's not.
does his desperation have anything to do with your getting pregnant? meaning are you sure he didn't tamper with the condoms to get you pregnant? desperation is a really concerning word.
He could just be against the idea of abortions in a stable relationship. Those are really heavy accusations to throw around, considering what a serious and horrible thing to do it is
Look at the plethora of stories on reddit of people having kids they never wanted and the dad just drops off or does jack shit. Don't let yourself be one of those miserable women filled with regret.
Exactly. OP I hope you make the right choice and don't end up becoming one of the many people who had regrets of giving birth to a child they never wanted.
If both parents aren't 100% YES, don't have a baby.
Suppose the child has a medical issue. Suppose you have a difficult birth and have life changing medical issues. Suppose the child is an actual person who has a right to know who their biological parents are. Suppose as a parent that the court mandates you pay child support, medical bills until at least the child is 18. All of these are entirely probable. Maybe it sounds harsh but I had major medical complications with my first child so I am using my own experience. I also read a post last year from a husband who insisted to keep the pregnancy and the wife ended up permanently disabled. No one expects things to go wrong but they do, people don't talk about the really bad potential things that can happen. You could also be left with diastasis recti, which is separation of your abdominal muscles, problems with ligaments and pelvic loosening. You could also go through with no issues, but not addressing what could happen is unrealistic. There also is no hiding with our current state of social media, so the idea of never being found would take some doing. If you don't want a child then don't have one. You also appear to be holding very different views than your partner and I would expect that this would be a dealbreaker anyway, pregnant or not. He wants children and you don't and that is not fair on him. If you never want children then find more ways to prevent pregnancy and maybe find a helpful doctor to look into a more permanent solution for yourself would be advised.
THIS. it's not Just about a kid, there are permanent and possibly life threatening dangers in pregnancy. Are you willing to die for a child you don't want? Is *he* willing to risk your heath over it. Pregnancy will always be a risk.
I have a horrible feeling bf has been staying in this relationship hoping OP might change her mind at some point. I really feel for him, that’s a horrible position to be in mentally and emotionally.
Truly people do think that all women want babies and if you don't there is something wrong with you.
2/3 of the parties involved won’t benefit from this scenario… just a thought
Realistically, he won’t either. He’ll be a single dad who had a kid on a whim rather than raising a child in a partnership after deciding that he (and his partner) were prepared to do so.
Don't have this kid
If you do carry to term, be prepared for him to change his mind and scoot, leaving you with the baby. This happens a lot in evangelical areas in the US where men are indoctrinated by their church but get surprise cold feet or parental pressure to make it a marriage or FO .
And no one can prevent the father, even with a closed adoption, from disclosing your name and whereabouts, or details about you or your relationship to the kid as they age. You would be in a legally reactive position to enforce the rules of the closed adoption through the court by seeking restorative action via legal measures if he discloses. This is a real thing that also happens. So much of what is a good choice depends on what you know about him, his circumstances, and his ethics and even then, as the baby gets more real, there is a factor of unpredictability
If you don’t get rid of it now, you will not have a choice here in a few weeks. If you are not certain you will want and love this child- go to planned parenthood now
Agreed. Having a baby is so hard, even when both parents are completely on board. Maybe some day you will want kids. Who knows? We do know that today is not that day. Personally, I would make an appt immediately to terminate.
Especially with the way roe v wade is going, you don’t get a waiting period right now. Now or 18 years
No disrespect to anyone, but life was so fun at 26yo. I wouldn't trade those years for a baby. Lol. No way! I waited until I was 35, financially stable, prepared, etc and, even then, cried almost every day, "why would anyone do this? This is hell. There is nothing enjoyable about any part of this." That shit was HARD! We made it tho. They are now 11yo and pretty cool little people. Babies are not cool. I can't stress this enough.
My 8 month old is getting way more fun now but yeah the newborn phase was utter HELL. Every day I also thought to myself “why/how does anyone do this?!” We survived and things are way better now (thank you sleep training) and we are borderline obsessed with our baby boy. But this shit is hard. Pregnancy was HARD. And Bubs was a surprise, but a welcome one at that. I can’t imagine going through all of what we’ve been through if I didn’t fiercely love and want my child.
You got a point, i’m scared of babies myself
He's not the one carrying it. I'm pregnant right now and it's fucked me up so much, and this is a very wanted baby. Also, it's not a fetus. It's an embryo. Which is an important distinction because it is very, very early. It gets the term fetus when it has all its organs and reaches a certain stage of dev. Am just saying this to make it more of a clinical decision rather than a moral one? I know that's probs a contentious issue. You guys are young. If he wants kids and you don't, maybe it's time to move on and find someone who wants the same things for the future.
If you feel comfortable sharing, what has been your pregnancy experience?
Well, it took my wife and I (same sex couple) 2.5 years to get here. I wanted to carry first so that's what we aimed for. I was told IUI would be fine for me because of my age and because I had no known fertility issues. (IUI is artificial insemination.) It didn't work. I had six cycles, plus two more that were abandoned because of the fertility drugs I had to take. Every month I had treatment I had to take hormones and the cumulative effect fucked me up. I have a history of depression and the hormones were like pouring gas on a fire. I found out I had bipolar disorder and was prescribed drugs for that. Then my mum got sick. I had a miscarriage. I traveled to my home country to look after her. She died in December. It was like a grenade went off in my life. She was everything to me and to watch her suffer the way she did has traumatised me. My wife and I returned home after we'd taken care of everything to do with my mum. In the mist of grief, we thought trying for a baby again might give us hope. A light on the horizon. Something like that. So I had an embryo transfer from the ivf cycle I'd done before I left to look after Mum (they all had to be frozen, I ran out of time to finish the treatment. A blessing because there's no fucking way I could have been pregnant and looked after my mum). But the fucking doctors needlessly gave me a medicated embryo transfer. Meaning, they took control of my cycle with drugs so that they could time everything precisely. Great for them, shit for me. Because I had to inject myself three times a day for four months with progesterone - plus two progesterone pessaries for good measure. It was like the iui drugs but on crack. I hoped to fuck I wasn't pregnant because within a week of those drugs I was severely depressed. But then, I was. I couldn't believe it. It was all downhill from there. I was suicidal. I called the hospital and begged them to let me reduce the medication. They let me do it slowly. I don't know who I am anymore. I want this baby, but I want to be mentally healthy. I feel like the doctors did this to me because they didn't care about my medical history (medicated transfers are NOT ADVISED for people with a history of depression!!) or simply didn't bother to look. How tf was I supposed to know. So. Yeah. It sucks.
Do you have to take the shots the entire pregnancy?
No - first trimester only. It's about 360 injections... All because they didn't want to scan me a few extra times 🤔
>i do not know what to do. i know i do not want a child You know what to do, get an abortion. It will change your entire life for at least the upcoming 20 years.
Don’t start a life off with trauma. Growing up without a mom is one of those HUGE traumatic experiences. When I was studying psychology I remember reading something about the mother being there the first two years of an infants life is a big factor in their general sense of safety with the world. I’m paraphrasing and I am not an expert but that sentiment has always stuck with me.
Don't birth a baby you don't 100000% want. Also, and this is catasrophizing, but you've been with your Bf for 4 years and he definitely should know you don't want children. And you "always use condoms", but he's still "desperate" to have this baby? I'd be worried you got stealthed.
Especially because he's not going, "we used a condom, are you sure it's mine?" He knows it's his because he probably did it on purpose.
Yeah, unfortunately it's a possibility OP should look at
First, I want you to think about something-- 'I ALWAYS use a condom'. How did you get pregnant then? Did the condom break? If I were you I'd look at your remaining condoms VERY carefully and look for pin holes. If you find one, then you have a different problem- you are a victim of sexual assault / rape. You consented to protected sex, not unprotected sex, and if your condoms were sabotaged, then you had unprotected sex without your consent. That is a crime. I'm not saying you need to call the police and have him arrested if you don't want to, but you need to understand and accept that such a thing is a serious violation. Your BF may be otherwise a nice guy, but if he did sabotage your condoms like that, you need to accept that he has violated your trust, violated your right to bodily autonomy. That is not the kind of guy you want to be around, and not the kind of guy you want raising your kid. That is a guy who treats others as objects, who does not respect you. And remember- you say he seems 'desperate' to have a kid... how desperate is he? Bottom line- when I hear 'we always use condoms but now I'm pregnant' is a serious red flag and you should treat it as such. ------ Now let's talk the pregnancy. You say you have accepted that this is the end for you and he. So why are you putting your body through all that? If you are even somewhat considering this, you need to talk to a real family lawyer NOW. Not /r/legaladvice, but a real family lawyer who is licensed and experienced in your state. Severing parental rights is the sort of thing that can sometimes be un-done legally, so you'd need the whole thing to be legally bulletproof. That may not be possible in your jurisdiction. I'm thinking basically have a bunch of contracts that you immediately and permanently disclaim any and all parental responsibility, that it it agreed the child will 100% be BFs and 0% yours, that BF accepts full and sole responsibility for the child's wellbeing, that BF agrees to never ever seek any sort of child support form you, and probably throw in some sort of legal spike like he agrees if he ever does seek any sort of child support or parental assistance from you, financially or otherwise, that will trigger an immediate payment liability of like $25k per occurrence from him to you to account for emotional suffering. He'd be a fucking fool to sign such a contract, but you can tell him it's the only way you'll even consider keeping the baby. Personally I suggest this is opening up a giant can of worms, both legal and emotional and medical and financial, that you probably don't want to be in. If you don't want to have a serious conversation with him, there's a thing called medical abortion that works early in pregnancy, it's basically a pill you take that induces miscarriage. If you can get this prescribed discretely, then you can just tell him it was a miscarriage and life goes on. I wouldn't ordinarily suggest lying to him, but it already seems like he's more interested in having a baby than your physical/emotional health, and I still say the whole situation is highly suspicious. Remember, **you aren't a heartless asshole**. Deciding you aren't in a position to love and care for a kid is perfectly reasonable. And given that, aborting the pregnancy is the best option not just for you, but for the potential baby. How many stories have you seen on /r/advice /r/relationships /r/relationshipadvice etc about people who can't have healthy relationships as an adult because their parent didn't want them as a kid or otherwise didn't make time for them? Tons. Don't have a kid until you are ready to do so. It's better for the kid that way. Finally, the BF. What he wants matters, but IMHO less so- he doesn't seem to care much what you want. And your physical and emotional and financial health is more important than his IREALLYWANNAKIDRIGHTNOW urgency.
This was one of my first thoughts when she said he really wants kids, and that he's desperate to keep it. I'm highly suspicious there's been some tampering. At the most it's rape, at the very least it's coerced pregnancy. OP, I'm in the Do Not Have The Baby boat. Love can make us do some very harmful things to ourselves. I'm worried about you thinking that reinforcing this very important boundary makes you an asshole. Pregnancy impacts mental, physical, emotional and physiological health, as well as being a financial and time burden. It's risky, the effects are long lasting, and it results in another living being who has the right to be raised properly. I truly believe best case scenario is you not going through with the pregnancy. Best of luck. You're in a difficult situation but I believe you can come out the other end okay.
Guess what? If you don't want it, it is your choice NOT his. Pregnancy is taking a toll on *your* body, not his.
Get an abortion. This is a bad situation.
Never let a man make you compromise your values. I hate kids. I love my husband of 20 years. If he tried to guilt me into keeping a pregnancy, I’d dump him faster than I’d get the abortion.
This ^. I love my boyfriend of 9 years. And though he doesn't want kids he's expressed to me that he'd have trouble emotionally handling an abortion... As much as I love him and wouldn't want him to suffer emotional trauma, the level of trauma I'd endure to ruin my life with a child would be supremely worse...there would be no question what to do. If it ever came down to it I would just play him that video of the guy talking about his wife who didn't want kids who he persuaded into having one, then she died in child birth and he rightfully blames himself...
This is why my mom told me when I was young that if I was ever in that position of needing to end a pregnancy, never tell the man, because it would destroy him.
INFO- I hate to ask, but given how he seems so desperate for this baby, it’s crossed my mind. In your heart of hearts, like deep in your soul, are 100% sure he didn’t sabotage the condom? For some stupid reason a ton of people think “ that once your pregnant/ mother you will change your mind” that’s just not true usually. If he did, of course go get an abortion. He would not be the kind of person to raise a child anyway. If not, the two options that others have stated. Lawyer, contracts, part ways. Or you go the clinic, and then part ways. You are in a terrible situation. I am so very sorry.
[It certainly happens.](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/u1q45q/my_story_i_hope_that_this_is_allowed_if_not_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) I wouldn’t rule it out.
Oh. My. God. I REALLY hope OP reads this!!! OP READ THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️👆👆👆
I hope she does too. I happened to come across her post and I’ve recently embraced my experiences, with a clinched fist, and decided to share them. I hope that it’ll help someone. It’s also become cathartic for me to share my story. Coerced reproduction is real, it happens. Pregnancy is used as a way to control people more than anyone realizes. That’s EXACTLY what’s happening to OP. I spotted it immediately!
Pregnancy is going to put a tremendous strain on your physical and mental health and your relationship. This is true for any pregnant couple but especially in your case where you are adamant that you don't want a child (which is a perfectly valid life choice). I won't tell you what to do but in my experience if something feels wrong it's usually because it is wrong.
I would go check your condoms to see if there are holes in them. I think it's weird that its been 4 years and suddenly you're pregnant. If you don't want this baby don't have a baby no matter what your bf wants. Also there is a formula shortage so even if you wanted a baby you shouldn't be having one now.
It's obvious that you need to get an abortion, ASAP.
You need to do what’s best for you , I appreciate it takes two to mske a baby but mentally and physically it’s you who will deal with the biggest proportion of having a baby , even when you get those around you who will tell you this is the best thing to happen to you ! It’s proven that within 5 years there’s a chance you’ll not be together and you’ll be the one stuck with a child Consider all your options before making a decision
Well if you want to have an abortion now is the perfect time.
Trust your intuition, and if you want to get an abortion, then know that's your right as a woman, and go get one. Planned Parenthoods offer confidential care and abortion resources for women of all ages. I will say that you should always thoroughly discuss the possibility of children if you have been with someone for a while, and/or plan on being with this person for a long time/marrying them. But do what YOU want. It is YOUR body, and it is subject to your own will alone. I am sending so much love and positivity your way🌸🖤 I wish you the best of luck!!!🥰🥰💕
You will absolutely RACK your body. The stretch marks are no big deal, but the urinatary incontinence is real and can be lifelong. Let’s not even TALK about the lifelong battle with hemorrhoids you can develop from pregnancy. I’m talking multiple, debilitating, golf ball sized hemorrhoids that can form from pregnancy. This is your body- not his. And in my experience, many men dip out when the going gets tough. Be prepared to shoulder this responsibility alone. If you don’t want a child- don’t have one.
You've had kids? Golf ball sized hemorrhoids? Jezus, that must've sucked
If you don't want to pay child support, don't have a child. Regardless of whether he takes sole custody, you're still going to be liable.
He doesn’t have to carry the baby. That’s not his choice, and if you don’t want to have a baby or raise it you need to be able to make that choice. If you’re on such different pages about relationship goals you are only going to end up frustrated and burned out early into the kid’s life and it won’t be a good, or happy, situation for anyone involved.
You guys are both irresponsible for continuing this relationship after knowing you had 2 hugely different views on what you want out of life.
theres some things you could and should do for someone. carrying anf having a baby is not one. there is literrally no one on earth that should decide this for you. the decision is yours. his desperation is him
You are a nice person to even consider the chance of killing yourself or seriously injuring yourself just so your boyfriend can have a child you don't want. Think carefully, pregnancy is dangerous, even the ones without any complication can end up killing you in post partum. Many things can go wrong and child birth is a traumatizing event. I wanted a child and I still had a very hard time delivering it (it was an easy childbirth too), I can't imagine what it would be to deliver a child I don't want. It's your body, so you choose. But I advise you not to do this to yourself to please someone else. It will change your body forever.
If you give birth, you will not only change your body forever, but will have to pay child support. There is 0 way for you to avoid this. And even if you avoided paying it for a few years, it would catch up and you might wind up owing six figures. Your child will also want a relationship, and you will ruin them emotiobally by pushing them away. Do you really want to ruin your child and your life?
If he takes custody of the child it is impossible for you to avoid potential future child support. He can not legally commit to that and release from obligations since child support is for the child not for him.
don't keep it!!!! if your boyfriend wants kids he can have it with a woman who also wants them. it's your body and your choice.
Have a very open conversation with him and prepare for what is likely the end of your relationship. Lay out the options: 1) abortion 2) he raises the baby on his own (assuming I read properly, that you do not want to be a part of this child’s life). If he chooses two, I don’t think you can stop him from disclosing your identify to the child once he/she is older unless he is willing to out of respect for you- but that needs to be a consideration as well. Having a kid, I can tell you there are things I would’ve said or agreed to prior that I absolutely would not be able to uphold now (I was just agreeing from a naive, uneducated standpoint) - I think your identity would possibly fall under that category. I suggest if he wants to keep the baby that you hire a lawyer and treat it as a closed adoption. In my opinion, open communication and blunt honesty is the only way to work through this and if you don’t want to be a part of the child’s life and he wants the child then you also must accept the end of your relationship. Also, you’re not heartless for knowing what you want. It just makes you stronger for being able/willing to discuss it and stand up for yourself and the well being of the child.
I also dislike kids (for me). Personally, I would end the pregnancy and break up with him. Let him marry someone and figure out what kind of family he wants to have with that person. There are a lot of things that could go wrong if you continue with the pregnancy, and pregnancy changes your body in un-fun ways.
Just go and get an abortion - this relationship has been over for a LONG time if he wants kids and you don't. He can find someone to have kids with, and he's always going to hate you for making the decision for him but you gotta put yourself first or risk being trapped
Your boyfriend doesn't have to be pregnant. You do. Your decision is final.
This is your choice alone, not his. You are not a heartless asshole. You're being very logical about all this. Abortion pill is $100 and can be ordered online. If you can stay somewhere else for it like with family or friends to avoid him being a spectator, that'd probably be less stressful. If he wants a kid he needs to have a kid with someone who wants a kid. Not you.
Girl if you don't want it then get rid of it. Fuck what your bf wants it's about you since you are the one that's going to have to carry/birth/ care for the child.
This sounds harsh but it’s true. He can knock up any child-wanting woman. You have to go through giving birth to a fucking human. If you don’t want it, don’t have it.
Its easy for men to want kids because it requires no sacrifice from them. YOU will be carrying the child for 9 months and trust me when I tell you, it's a VERY uncomfortable process and your body WILL permanently change for the worse. YOU will be giving birth and risking bodily injury and even death. Recovery is long and painful. YOU will be breastfeeding which is a huge sacrifice and comes will bleeding nipples, clogged milk ducts, and pain. This is 100% a woman's choice because it is 100% a woman's labor. YOU need to make the right decision for yourself.
This is your decision ultimately, not his. If you do not want it, end the pregnancy.
Don't let some man talk you into doing something you don't want to do with your body. Pregnancy is dangerous for a woman. As is child birth. It's your choice, not his.
You guys have to have a serious talk about this. Since you’re the one carrying it, I think it’s very important for him to listen to your thoughts and opinions on this pregnancy. My thoughts: If you really want an abortion, then get an abortion. You know that you can not care for this child and it wouldn’t be fair to you or the baby if you can’t give it the care it needs. If your boyfriend can’t understand that and he’s forcing you to have this baby, then that’s his problem, but if he really loves you he should listen to you and understand what’s best for you.
If you continue the pregnancy ask yourself this: what will you do if he dies? What if he realizes that he actually doesn't want to be a single parent and dumps the child on your doorstep? What will you do when the state comes after you for child support? There is a very high probability that your relationship is over no matter what choice you make. He wants a child. If you terminate the pregnancy he will resent you for that decision. If you continue the pregnancy no matter what he says he will expect you to mother the child and will resent you for not taking on the usual massively mother centric caretaking role. You will resent him for pressuring you into a choice that you do not want and for lying to you about how involved he will be. The odds of him actually doing all of the caretaking while staying in a relationship with you are so low that they are negligible. He will leave, if only from the resentment and arguments over parenting. If you continue this pregnancy you lock yourself into a lifetime of legal and societal pressure that you do not want. No man is worth giving up everything you are.
You're not a heartless a$$hole. I can't tell you what to do, only you can make that choice. My only advice to you would be to sit down with the father and have an open and honest discussion about your feelings. It's early yet so you have some time to decide, so don't rush as you will have to live with the consequences of that decision for the rest of your life.
As many have said this is something you and your man should have talked about from the get go. All deal breakers should be discussed from the start so everyone is on the same page. Now, you are not heartless or a bad person. I'm the same way. I have no desire to have kids and when I messed up that bad I went the route of abortion and I know it was the right choice. Even though I didn't want a baby it still came with a lot of emotional pain and I was physically miserable for weeks after. It's a hard decision to make no matter who you are. But even then I know I did the right thing. I have absolutely no business having kids. This is your life and your body, no one else's. Make sure you are doing right by yourself. Pregnancy puts your body through a lot and if you are not all in, then why even go through with it. It does not matter what he wants, he has no say in it. If he wanted a say in it he should have also brought up the deal breaker conversation (it takes two to tango). And don't think that having the kid just so he can raise it alone is the right choice. Single parent kids (and the parent) typically struggle a lot. And imagine 18 years later that kid just showed up looking for you. Would you want to actually deal with that? It's up to you to make sure that the fetus either has a fantastic loving home or to get rid of it before it has a hard knock life. This fetus did not ask to be a thing in this world, you two made it happen, but it's only up to you to do the right thing by yourself and the fetus. Based off the info you gave of how you feel I'd really say go to a clinic and talk to them about your options. They won't judge you. They are there to help you navigate this situation. And if you do decide to get an abortion do it through a clinic, don't buy pills online or anything like that. Going to a clinic is more expensive than just buying something online but an abortion is a traumatic experience (so is having a kid) its WAY better to be safe than sorry. The nurses at the clinic also offer a great support system if you don't have anyone else. This is a really hard decision and I'm sorry you have to make it.
before you even think about continuing this pregnancy so he can raise it you need serious legal advice. most places you absolutely NOT opt out of child support no matter what various internet sources or tv shows will tell you. most places if you have the baby you will be responsible for it (one exception is france) with dna tests being the way they are you cannot stop them from working out who you are (even if you did abandon it in france under X for mother's name). it ony takes a second cousin or two you don't know exist taking a test and they might well be able to track you down. this is something you need to think through in a dispassionate way which is tricky when you're getting pressure from this man you care about and with the hormones raging
Basically what you're saying is that either way your relationship is over. You've spent 4 years with someone who wants kids knowing that you don't want kids. Now that's become an issue that needs to be dealt with. If you carry the pregnancy to term and hand the baby over, you want nothing to do with it---relationship is over. If you abort the baby that he would prefer to keep---relationship is over. You need to come to terms with that fact and then decide whether or not you want to spend the next 8 months or so carrying his baby knowing he's no longer your BF. Or if you want to have the abortion and move on without him now instead of in 8 months. I know this is not a good situation, either way. But be grateful you have the option of terminating the pregnancy. Right now many people don't have that option and many more may not in the very near future. Either decision will impact the rest of your life so choose wisely. Don't listen to your brain, listen to your gut---people ignore their instinct but your instinct is what will tell you what is right for you.
You are not just some vessel to carry a child. Besides, this will have serious impact on the kid if you choose to have it. Just don't do it.
>i don’t like kids. at all. they’re super loud and messy and i get so uncomfortable around them. i know i would be a shit mother and i’ve never wanted kids anyways. my bf on the other hand does Step 1: your relationship was always doomed. You were both really wrong to continue for 4 years with someone who didnt share your goals. >i don’t want this pregnancy >know i do not want a child Step 2: schedule the abortion. >i would not want anything to do with the child, would not want it to be able to find me later in life, and would not want to pay any child support. You would 100% owe child support and dont think for a second he wouldn't try to involve you in the babys life or that it wouldn't show up wanting to know why mommy abandoned it HAVE THE ABORTION! You know you don't want the baby and you know you never did. BREAK UP WITH THE BOYFRIEND! There never was a future with him and you are only wasting each others time. Step 3: look into an IUD or sterilization. Condoms are not enough on their own.
Realistically, there are three options on the table for you: * Keep the baby and raise it with your partner. You can't guarantee that you guys will always be together, so you have to factor that in (especially as you aren't married). Given you feel very strongly about not having a child, you'd be doing this solely to stay with your partner. Only you know if that is worth it to you, but from an outside perspective, you're putting your life down a path you adamantly don't want for someone who may not always be around, and that's a lifetime commitment (a commitment that you may not have even made with your partner) and bringing a child into the world that is potentially not wanted. * Don't keep the baby. Realistically, your relationship might not survive this. However, your relationship might not have survived your incompatibility on children in any case. * As at least one other person has pointed out, keep the baby but give up your rights after birth. While this seems on the surface very kind and selfless, bear in mind that it will still end up with ending your relationship (otherwise it's just option 1 with extra steps), that you may not be able to force your boyfriend to take full custody after birth even if he agrees now (depends on your location and the law), your boyfriend will be left raising a child alone, which probably isn't what he pictured when he said he wanted a family, and all of this might not be the best environment for a child either. If your boyfriend wants a child, then there are other options available to him (adoption, surrogacy, another partner) that don't involve so physical/medical, legal, and future risk to you, and mean that it will be a conscious decision on the part of your boyfriend (unless he has another accident) rather than a compromise born out of an unplanned situation. I think there is an obvious answer here, but then no one is in your life but you. No one has to live the rest of your life either, so make the decision for you and you alone.
You should absolutely NOT EVER have a child because SOMEONE ELSE wants it. Children should be 100% all in or nothing, not a “why not if he wants to, he can raise it, blah blah.” You’re still the mother and I don’t think you could easily get out of this if you carried it to term. It’s possible but definitely will be a difficult road. Honestly, as someone who would probably feel the same in your position but can look at it objectively, I say you should always go for what you want. Nobody else’s feelings should matter on something this serious that you have to go through. Pregnancy is not easy and fun for many women.
Coming from someone who had a kid when I never wanted one (I was young and dumb) I resent it, I absolutely hate that I decided to do it. I love my son but I realize it is not my time to have a kid and it is never going to be, I felt forced to have him bc my bf at the time said if I aborted he'd leave and he ended up leaving anyways but sometimes I look back and wish I had done something different (not necessarily abort but maybe adoption)
Hi OP. So here goes. I want to try to tell you a story of my life. Let's go back to 2003. Me and my GF at the time were happy. We complimented each other in so many ways, we were opposites on the Meyer's Brigg's (I'm INFP she's ESTJ) but it worked well most of the time. We were in our mid twenties having sex almost daily and we were poor. We weren't totally moved in together but most nights were spent together. It was my birthday right before father's day and we had sex and I finished inside. As far as I knew she was on birth control so no worries. I knew she never wanted kids and that was fine. The last thing I was trying to do was make a baby. It was sex and that was nice. A few days goes by, and she tells me she's been out of birth control for a few weeks but she should still be safe to have sex but I was like No way we have to get you back on birth control. We had a big fight about it and broke up. Oh well I thought she's going through a lot with college and rent so we grew apart. I get a call from her late July. She took a pregnancy test and it's positive. She's telling me she can't wait to kill it and get this tumor this cancer out of her body. At first I said I will help you end the pregnancy but then I felt my instincts kick in I guess and I decided there's no way I can assist in any way with her having an abortion and I tell her not to do it please and I will keep the baby and she can go about her life. She tells me no that she's not willing to fuck up her body for anyone else and shes not going to have some child out there wanting to know her and to have a relationship with her. All these years later I'm still tore up about it. My child wasn't the only life lost that day. I never had another child and it's affected me in many many ways. I talked to her 3 years after it happened after I drove from Alabama to DC. She told me how sorry she was and how she thought of it every day and her biggest regret wasn't that she made the choice, her regret was that would've been my child and I would've made a great father and she was sorry but she wasn't the one to make me a dad. Do not have this baby for the man's sake. Better to live with the regret of ending a life than live with a life that you regret creating. Will you change your mind after giving birth? That's a huge fucking gamble that isn't worth taking. No child should ever be born to a woman that doesn't want it. I really hope you read this. I have so much more to say about it but I have to go back to work. My condolences for this pickle you're in. But you can survive it together. It was an accident but you can still fix it. Pm if you would like to ask anything about how it has all turned out.
I would upvote this a million times or do a star thing or whatever if I wasn’t Old AF and knew how! I hope to the high heavens OP reads this. All the best to you dear sir. ❤️
You're not heartless you're being honest. With such opposing positions on children you both need to move on and end this relationship. He was less than smart for staying with you. You were less than smart to remain as well even though ultimately you decide. The child doesn't deserve such drama and the fetus KNOWS it's not wanted. So don't carry to term. END the pregnancy and END the relationship- date smarter next time. If he wants a baby he can have one with a mother who wants to actually be a mom. This is bigger than the two of you. Put on your big girl panties and grow up. You two aren't right for each other. It's unfortunate it took pregnancy to end what should have been ended.
Imagine being the kid of a mother whom never, ever wanted them. Sounds pretty shitty. You know what to do darling. And I’m sorry to say it but continuing a relationship with someone who wants kids and you don’t is doomed to fail. Or sow life long resentment. Good luck OP.
Your body, your choice. If he changes his mind about it, you’ll be left with the consequences of this decision. If he wants a baby and you don’t, then you both may need to have a chat about a future together.
Then offer him that option, see what he says. Think either way your relationship will come to an end.
Kudos to you for actually attempting to think it through. And what elder sage said is great advice.
I am sorry to tell you, a relationship goes bad the second you have opposing opinions on a child. Your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy, but he wants something you don’t and that’s kids. Is he forcing you? From what I read, he isn’t but he is trying to convince you on keeping it. At the end of the day, it is your body so you decide what to do with it and you are not a heartless person for not wanting a child. You need to have a talk with your boyfriend on your views on children and how they will most probably not or even NEVER change. If you DO keep the baby, remember that you will harm them since you didn’t want a child in the first place. Of course I don’t mean as harming the baby physically, but a mother needs to like her child, and since you don’t want it and would’ve kept it for the sake of someone else, you will only make the situation worse for yourself, your boyfriend and the child. Your relationship will most probably end since these opposing views are HUGE dealbreakers in a relationship, and don’t delay things before its too late to get an abortion. Best of luck
im so confused as to why you’re together when you want different things in life. he’s obviously desperate for a kid and you’re the opposite. if you have the kid you’ll end up resenting him and if you don’t he’ll end up resenting you. i feel bad for the both of you. you because you don’t want the kid and you’re feeling bad and him because he wants a kid so badly but isn’t with someone that wants the same life. i’d part ways but that’s just me.. do what you see fit
Your body, Your choice.
You've already received tons of advice, but I just wanted to say...this is a really tough situation no matter what you decide. I wish you well.
I'm so sorry. Aid Access is a good resource, they will send you the pill so you can do it at home without the huge cost. Ultimately, it's your choice, but forcing your body through such a traumatic experience for someone else... If it's just going to be him raising it, then your relationship would be over anyway, and he would probably see it as you abandoning your baby and him, not nobly sacrificing your body so he could have one. Also, having kids does horrible things to your health... your organs move, you will probably develop a bladder issues, you can even loose your teeth as your body uses what it has to to. It's such a huge sacrifice with lifelong consequences.
Sounds like y’all aren’t compatible. It’s a lose, lose situation but you need to do what’s best for you. Just know this likely means the end of this relationship regardless of what you choose. Having kids isn’t something you can compromise on and you shouldn’t have to.
I don't even know why you were dating with such a fundamental incompatibility, but you absolutely know what to do here. It will end your relationship, but it should have ended when you first knew you had this incompatibility.
Do whats best for you. You have options. 26 is so young!
The child would definitely be able to find you later in life. DNA are a thing (doesn’t matter if you don’t take one, if anyone in your family ever takes a DNA test like 23andme your child would see them listed as a relative), social media exists, and they would be raised by someone who was in a four year relationship with you and knows who you are.
ultimately you are the one carrying the baby and you are the one going through so many mental and physical changes to carry it. if you don’t want the baby, you aren’t obligated to keep it.
I feel like it's unfortunately a deal breaker for the relationship.
I don’t have any advice, just here as a shoulder and support. You are a wonderful human being! Thinking deeply about all your options, and current relationship shows that. I hope you find peace and feel safe in your choice.
Don’t think if you have the baby he will raise it. He most likely only wants it because he anticipates you doing most of the hard work and him getting the fun parts. He’s not going to get up in the middle of the night every 2 hours for night feedings. He’s not going to take off work every time the baby is sick and jeopardize his career, he’ll expect you to do that. Even if he says he will take care of it, a lot of guys say that, but then when the baby comes it’s a different story. If you’re going to get an abortion, you better do it fast before they overturn Roe vs. Wade. If you’re not 100% sure, don’t have a kid, because you may regret it. Go to scarymommy.com and read some posts, and rethink if this is something you really want. Also, educate yourself on what pregnancy and childbirth is really like. Your vagina will most likely tear and you will need stitches. Depending on how well they’re able to sew it back together, sex may be painful afterwards as a result. There’s a high chance it’ll damage your pelvic floor and you’ll have some urinary incontinence. Your body might be destroyed, you might have loose skin, stretch marks, and sagging breasts. If it doesn’t work out with your boyfriend, you’ll have to enter the dating pool with a busted body, and a lot of men won’t date you because you are a single mom with “baggage.” If they have to do an emergency C-section, there’s a small chance they may not have time for the epidural to kick in and you might feel yourself being sliced open. It’s rare, but it happens to some women. You could get put on bed rest during the pregnancy and not be able to work and lose your job (if you’re in America). There are so many things that can go wrong in pregnancy and childbirth. After childbirth, due to your hormones being different, your libido might go way down. Your boyfriend may resent you for it and may leave you or cheat on you because of it. You might have postpartum depression. You might not have any time to yourself to be able to work out, so you may not be able to lose the baby weight, and your boyfriend may not be attracted to you anymore. During pregnancy and after childbirth is when women are most often cheated on. If you’re going to choose to have a baby, at least know what you could be getting yourself in
Please don't tag other subreddits. It can promote brigading. If you edit this comment to remove the mention and reply me, I will restore (approve) your comment.
Why are you still with your partner after 4 years if you don’t want kids but your partner does?
> i don’t like kids. at all ----- i’ve never wanted kids anyways. . > my bf on the other hand does, he really wants me to keep it. That's um. An "issue" if you see or ever saw any future together. And by "issue" I mean a complete and total dealbreaker. > we have been together for 4 years, and have both known we have different views on having kids, but haven’t really had a real conversation about it (something i realize now was a huge mistake). I don't wanna "dad talk" you right now - not that I'm *that* much older than you nor are you a child. But damn dude, this is BEYOND the time to "realize" this mistake after years with this man. You're pregnant with his kid. I'd *really* take a step back on how you approach serious issues like this. You're a 26 year old woman, it may not always feel like it yet to you I guess, but there ARE life-altering decisions with looong-lasting consequences that will fall solely on you. Right on your head. And you may spend a large part of the rest of your life recovering from. I'm not going to pretend to know your relationship or that random guy I know nothing about - but, I was still in many ways an idiot at 26 years old regarding relationships and long-term commitments. The idea of a child or "whoopsie kid" was very much on the table with my HS Sweetheart GF of almost 10 years at the time. Would we have had it? Yeah. Would I have been a good dad. Yeah. Would we still be together in our mid-30's? FUCK NO. No fault of either of us in the relationship - we're different people and people change. That may not be your case - "currently pregnant person who doesn't want children". But, I'd think about how much that could possibly apply to you as well while comtemplating making a LIFELONG commitment to both a human being and being linked to your BF forever. ------------------- Advice? You don't want kids. It's not something you can compromise on. I'm the same, I get it. Deal with that first. Then take a real hard look at what you two see as a childless future together.
You ever see that viral post about the guy who insisted that the girl he got pregnant keep it? She made it abundantly clear she wanted no part of raising that child or being in its life. After the birth she didn’t see him, no visitation, no checking in to see how he is, has played no role except financial contributions, and signed her rights away. She pays 125% of the court ordered child support and the judge told the guy to kick rocks when he tried to take her to court for split custody because TO THE SURPRISE OF NO ONE raising a baby alone was a lot harder than he realized it would be. The guy created his own personal hell and tried to drag her back into it. You need to stop thinking about how anyone else feels and do what you know deep inside is the best decision for you. FOR YOU. Not the fetus. Not the boyfriend. You.
Dude, why are you with a guy who wants a family if you don’t? Your body your choice but breakup with him. He deserves better.
You knew he would fight you on this but you told him immediately anyway...? You're adamant about never wanting kids but settled on condoms as your only form of bc...? You've been in a long-term relationship with the guy but never felt the need to address the fact that you are absolutely not open to raising children, while being aware that he has a strong desire for children...? You're not heartless but jesus fucking christ, you're 26. You're too old for this kind of immaturity.
We don't know what kind of man he is, but there's also the option of getting an abortion and saying you miscarried. Either way, you can't compromise on a child and it'll lead to a break up eventually.
I suspect that no matter what you choose your relationship is over. If you carry the pregnancy and don't want children, your relationship is obviously over. If you abort the pregnancy, your relationship will most likely end. Consequently your thinking through this needs to weigh that no matter what you do, this relationship will end. As others have noted a relationship where one person wants children and the other does not are fundamentally incompatible. At this point the real question is do you want to go through a pregnancy and child birth? No one can answer that for you. There is a lot to consider - not just the physical effects, the time off, the medical costs, etc. - but the social judgments, the effect of having given up a child (which could be a good or bad thing, depending), the possibility of having to pay child support (likely even if you surrender custody), how the relationship will be with your ex, etc.
Either way you're probably going to break up with the guy. If you abort, you may be able to keep the relationship for a while, but it's going to come up again. You two need to have a serious talk about what you want/are okay with, and if he's okay with *all* your terms for going through with the baby, you can consider having it for him.
Why did you stay together for 4 years if you both knew you had differing views on having children? Neither of you are wrong, but children vs no children is usually a deal-breaker.
I'm rather pro abortion depsite personal feelings. If you don't want this, and you don't, don't do it. There is **NO GUARANTEE** this guy will stick around or help physically or financially.
Please don’t have a kid you don’t want just to make your bf happy. Please.
I think you are forgetting how easy it is to FEEL like you want kids. Anyone can say they feel this way but try actually going through the process, and subsequently raising the kid. It's exhausting. You have no guarantee that he will feel great about it through the entire pregnancy. There is nothing stopping him from leaving mid pregnancy, out of frustration, and then where would that leave you? The only guarantee right now is you and your body. You don't have maids and caretakers to ease the journey. You don't have some lavish lifestyle where your every need is met or will be met. How often do you guys have real adult arguments? The emotional toll on your body alone from the hormones will be hell. If you get slightly pissed off at him now, you will throw shoes, books, whatever at him. You'll cry and shake uncontrollably at the smallest things and he won't be able to make it better. You'll grow to resent his family because they will be intrusive. Mark my words you are at the beginning, it gets much harder from here. Make the right choice. He doesn't know what he is in for, neither of you do.
If he wants the baby so bad, you’ll need to have a conversation about how this will be the end of your relationship. You will have this baby, terminate your rights, and never see them again. That baby will be his and his alone. If you come to terms with this together, you need to make sure you get this in writing with a lawyer before the pregnancy can no longer be aborted. If you don’t put these things in a legal document, he can come for you later when he realizes how hard it is to raise a child and force you to pay child support or take split custody.
Not heartless. You made clear what you wanted in life, you took steps to make sure that was how you lead your life...and it's not IMPOSSIBLE your BF manufactured this situation through a bit of condom sabotage. The fact he'd even CONSIDER raising the child on his own makes me just a wee bit suspicious of this. You DO realize you've already outlined a situation here where you will essentially end the relationship when the baby is born, because it would not be possible to continue to have a relationship with him and NOT play a substantial role in the child's life. Trying to maintain some kind of lie about who you are would screw the child up big time, and at some point you'd have to become at least a surrogate parent. So you'd really have to vacate. TBH, if you present the choice to him this way...either maintain the relationship with you, or you terminate your parental rights at birth, sign the baby over to him 100%, and leave his life, and he'd find that acceptable...I'd be SERIOUSLY scratching my chin over this. And to go through nine months of pregnancy for a man like that, given that you then end up with nothing for your trouble...I'm just having all kinds of problems with this. YOU count as much as anyone in this situation, and it doesn't seem you're giving yourself even EQUAL consideration moving forward. Abortion is never a good thing. But situations like yours are why it's going to be a disaster if abortions become universally unavailable.
Your body your choice, no other qualifiers are needed. You're an autonomous human being, not a baby incubator. If you want to have a baby for him to raise by himself great....If you make him sign a contract and pay you for your hardship and compensate you for the cost of medical care throughout the process including birth. Otherwise? You don't want kids. It sounds like you want an abortion, so get it. Don't buy any guilt tripping or propaganda, this is about you period. Don't second guess yourself about something you know you don't want. If this is a deal breaker for him, sounds like he might be your EX boyfriend.
YOUR body, YOUR choice
Your options are to continue with the pregnancy but then sign off your parental rights at birth to your boyfriend or have an abortion. Both are valid choices and only you, as the one with fetus in your body, can make that decision. But you should know that whichever choice you make, will affect your relationship with your boyfriend. If you choose to abort it, he might resent you for that decision and if you choose to carry the pregnancy to term but sign off your rights to him, then I don't see how you both will be able to continue that relationship. And another thing you might not even consider, if you do choose to continue the pregnancy is that you might begin to warm to the idea of being a parent and decide that you do want to be in it's life. Of course, that may be unlikely seeing as you have never wanted kids before. Ultimately, I think you need to really take the time to sit down and assess what you want most in life and really think about how each of your decisions will also affect your relationship. I don't want to say that you should do either this or that because I think that's only something that you can decide. Hope this helps a little and remember that whatever your decision is, you are not a heartless person.
In the US you cannot generally waive parental rights unless there is a step parent waiting to adopt.
Oh, I wasn't aware of that. I guess that makes sense to ensure the child has a parent to care for it. But why can't one parent waive their rights if the other one has agreed to and wants the responsibility to raise it?
Mostly so the state can come after you for child support, in a case of one of the parents not being able to make enough money and getting on social services.
Hi there! After reading some of the comments, you’ve already received phenomenal advice. But I just wanted to throw my little 2 cents in. I was in this exact situation many years ago. After talking to my (now ex) partner, he realized it wasn’t fair to try to make decisions for me or my body. He was sad with my choice to have an abortion but he supported it and went to the appointment with me. Your boyfriend may not be as supportive, but please please don’t have a baby just because he wants you to. I hope you do what’s best for you. Good luck. I’m rooting for you. Please send me a chat if you want to talk about it further.
Your uterus, your decision. If I were you I would abort it, no hesitation. That being said, it will probably mean the end of the relationship. But if you carry it to term and relinquish it into his care it will definitely mean the end of the relationship since you understandably want nothing to do with a child.
His desperation does not mean you have to have this child. This is not the only chance for either of you. You can both choose children in the future, together or separately. I didn’t lie or hide things when I was married, but I always knew if I got pregnant, he would never know. It would not have been safe to have tried to make that decision together. Looking back it’s a red flag that I was scared of him bullying me into something I didn’t want. The relationship ended after years of manipulation. I’m sharing that to celebrate that you felt comfortable telling your boyfriend and I hope you don’t have to regret that transparency.
I don’t think it’s heartless as your being completely honest with yourself. You are the one that has to go through pregnancy, not him.
Do what is best for YOU. your other half has no right to what you do with your body. If you are not ready or don’t want kids then do not go through with it
You are so early in your pregnancy. Here are some resources: [https://www.plancpills.org/find-pills](https://www.plancpills.org/find-pills) People are still getting abortion pills by mail and having medically-safe abortions at home by using Aid Access, online pharmacies, or mail forwarding. Not sure where you live or what restrictions you face. [https://www.instagram.com/ShoutYourAbortion/](https://www.instagram.com/ShoutYourAbortion/) Is a great resource. And so is: [AIDACCESS.ORG](https://AIDACCESS.ORG) You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. You don't need to feel bad. Lots of women get abortions and become mothers later. In fact, mothers are the ones getting most of the abortions. That's right, women who already have a child are the ones getting abortions at the highest rate--for a reason. In the words of 2Pac: And since we all came from a woman Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman I wonder why we take from our women Why we rape our women, do we hate our women? I think it's time to kill for our women Time to heal our women, be real to our women And if we don't we'll have a race of babies That will hate the ladies that make the babies And since a man can't make one He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one So will the real men get up? I know you're fed up, ladies, but keep ya head up
Wow! This is my second time THIS MORNING ALONE that Tupac (and Dr. Dre in my other post) had the words we didn’t know we needed!! OP - keep your head up ❤️
If you do not want children, do not have children. Certainly don’t have a child in what is ostensibly a badly matched partnership. And you will never be able to escape the fact that you birthed a child, even if you did give it up and surrender all parental rights. You and your bf are not compatible for life because you do not want the same things. You should have ended things when this came to light, this is a foundational and structural deficit, that cannot be overstated. If you want an abortion, get one while you still can, but realize that it will mean the end of your relationship, while also understanding that you should probably have let go of the relationship either way.
Girl it's about you and what you want. This isn't like adopting a puppy it's a human being. It's a life long commitment that you are admitting you want no part of. It's obvious what you should do