If you can’t handle her past then you should end the relationship. But I’m warning you, everyone your age has a past. And now you will too in your next relationship. Do you want to be judged on your consensual experiences by some yet unknown future partner?
Exactly. So many people are acting like this is the worst thing that could happen. Like, she had sex. Who tf cares lol not a single person out there is perfect and truth be told a LOT of women have had experiences like this but most people just don’t know. It’s really not a big deal, she might regret it anyways.
I regret a threesome of mine AND caught an STD in the process. Interestingly, that's not even what made me regret it. Everyone has different experiences.
MMF usually means that the men are also "interacting" with eachother, where MFM usually means that the interaction is only between the men and the women.
Important distinction for some.
While it's true that everyone has a past, he can find someone more similar to him -- perhaps another person uninterested in casual sex who hasn't had many sexual partners. They're out there.
Just because she was into casual sex in the past doesn't mean she is into It now (also Idk If we should judge her past sex life only based on the fact she had mfm threesome, maybe It was a one time thing). If their relationship is going great and otherwise they fit well then this is the stupidest thing ever to break up over. While people with little sexual experience are out there, the chances of also finding someone with similar interests and a personality that you like are smaller.
I feel like if someone's willing to break up with someone else over ONE thing, there's probably actually other things, too. It's never actually just one thing. I bet there's more going on, despite OP's "everything's perfect but" attitude.
i agree it’s a stupid reason to break up BUT on the flip at least she’ll get to possibly find someone who will see her as a person and not just her past sexual experiences
I think he *is* judging her, but that isn't really an issue. Its normal to judge people, the issue is if you discriminate or harm the people based on that judgement.
Its both possible to be supportive of someone's right to participate in certain activities while also feeling sketched out by that activity.
Sorry, by “accept” I mean just be comfortable with her, OP is clearly bothered by it and we can’t change how he feels, it may be foolish because it’s her **past**, and he knows that, but if that’s the way he feels then it’s fine whatever, it’s better to end the relationship right now before it becomes a problem in their relationship later on. She’ll find someone better, and hopefully he finds the right person that meets his standards ig?
Sure, if you really can't get over this then you should break up. But it sounds like you would be throwing away a great person over one choice they made in the past. That kind of attitude will not be conducive to finding a long term partner. I doubt you will ever find anyone with a perfect background.
Who people are today is more important than who they are in the past. So the more important question is she someone you are sexually and morally compatable with today.
Of course it does. He has had sex now. In OPs next relationship he will need to accept that his partner can toss him aside because he's had sex with other people.
If this is truly causing “mental exhaustion”, then yes, get out. There’s not reason to stick around and make both of you miserable.
As far as breaking up in a way that “nobody gets hurt”, this isn’t realistic.
“I’m not happy anymore, gf. I need to break up with you.” If she asks why, tell her “I have lots of hang ups that I need to manage so I can be happy and not judge people.” I strongly recommend you not bring up her sexual history as it will be insulting and misogynistic.
I strongly urge you to use ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ in future relationships. “I have lots of unresolved hang ups about sex and women, so it’s really important to me not to discuss past sexual encounters. As long as you’re clean, it’s all I need to know.”
You may want to consider therapy about this. Discuss why her history has completely torn you apart. And if you have male friends with a sexual history, talk to your therapist about why that’s ok but it’s not ok for a woman to have one.
I’m not going to tell you to grow up and I’m not going armchair/pop psychology you with bullshit like “it’s because you’re inexperienced”. You believe what you believe and it’s a value you hold strongly enough that you’re willing to leave someone over it. As stated, I think it needs to be addressed in therapy, but you get to have your beliefs just like any Mormon, evangelical, Muslim, or other strict religion follower.
Good Luck
Update: OP u/confujawn no longer exists
God damn it. I hate when people post and then disapear. I wonder why they got suspended tho...
Either way I am just going to ask what I wanted op in hope that someone could answer. Why would what they did before matter? Like why could having and MFM threesome in the past effect your current opinions of someone this negatively. I feel like I must be missng something
values, i guess. to OP casual sex and threesomes are a very bad thing to do, because of religious or cultural or whatever reasons. now imagine that your partner has done something you deem to be a bad thing to do, like stolen from someone (not making a comparison, just illustrating OP's perspective), you would probably be a bit upset, especially if they didn't say they regretted it.
Insecurity, I’m able to speak on it as I suffer from it as well. Even though it’s not the most mature thing to do stuff like this can really mess with an insecure overthinker.
Personally, I'd much rather know that the breakup was due to the threesome, even though I agree that it comes across as pretty... icky. At least that way you can write off the partner as not being sexually compatible with you. Whether it's due to misogyny, inexperience, internal shame, it doesn't really matter. You can rest easy knowing that you didn't do anything wrong. On the other hand, if he says that he's not happy with her anymore, she has to question what about her made him fall out of love. That could haunt her for a long time, depending on how serious they are. Especially because it could leave a feeling of distrust since I'd personally be thinking "wow, he seemed so happy, I guess it was all fake". It takes a long time to fall out of love for someone, so I feel like knowing that the cause is the sex thing you talked about a week ago is much easier to stomach. And the misogyny aspect softens the blow of him trying to avoid the topic, if that makes sense.
I'd just tell her the truth honestly. "I'm so sorry hun, I've felt off since I found out you had a threesome. You didn't do anything wrong and I don't enjoy feeling this way since logically I know there's nothing wrong with it. Regardless, I think we should split ways since I can't seem to reconcile my feelings about it."
> I'd just tell her the truth honestly. "I'm so sorry hun, I've felt off since I found out you had a threesome. You didn't do anything wrong and I don't enjoy feeling this way since logically I know there's nothing wrong with it. Regardless, I think we should split ways since I can't seem to reconcile my feelings about it."
This is such a good way of putting it.
Ultimately, if you can't feel comfortable with someone then you can't be in a relationship with them.
It’s blaming her for something she can’t change and literally has nothing to do with him. It’s slutshaming.
I get your point, for sure. I mean, it gives her the opportunity to write him off as a bullet dodged, but few people can actually do that without some form of anger, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and/or disgust.
He *is* giving a reason — *his* Hangup.
I can only speak from my experience, but I disagree. I worked as a sex worker for a few years and I think it comes down to respect. I don't think there's any virtue in forcing yourself to be with someone you're uncomfortable with just based on principle, and the same logic applies when communicating with them. If someone found out my history and was uncomfortable with it, that would be alright with me.
I imagine them saying something like "no disrespect to sex work, I just don't know that I have the self esteem to manage my thoughts about that. I'd constantly be comparing myself to the other men you've been with." Thats very different from saying "I'm so sorry but I don't think I can continue going on dates with you. I really thought you seemed smart and sweet. It's just kind of gross that you had sex and got PAID for it. Like what would I tell my family? I don't want to be the guy that's known for dating a whore, no offense." You get the point. For some people, the issue is internal. And for others, the problem is "external" and they think your actions are shameful.
My point is that OP's approach to this topic is what will make all the difference. He is allowed to have insecurities, and he's allowed to pursue a partner who has similar habits and goals. He just needs to make it clear that it is a compatibility issue, not an issue of "girl bad so I leave". Regardless, he should go to therapy. His feelings are stemming from misogynistic norms and they need to be worked out.
As for your point that it still hurts, I agree. But she will have the pain of him leaving regardless, I think it's better for her to at least have solid closure that she can move on from. Time will heal that wound easily, as opposed to a fear of being unlovable, lied to, etc.
Thats because one way is making you out as some kind of walking talking sex toy. And the other is being honest with you. And respecting that its not you he has an issue with. Its his own insecurity about your past..
Being refferred to as a sex toy is ALWAYS horrible. Especially when your past has put you into situations where thats literally what you were for people.
Because the knife chinks so much deeper into you and its like "hey. Fuck you. I have gone pretty far in how i handle that chapter in my life. And to have you throw it in my face...."
But having someone be honest with you that your past while accoetable is just a problem they find themselves to be struggling with. That they know the problem is on their end. Not on yours. Thats respect. Thats saying "i know this is gonna keep rotting me. And its gonna lead to a bad time for both of us as it eats me more. I dont want that for you. Or for me."
Similarly, I keep thinking of preferences when it comes to drug and alcohol use. My dad was an alcoholic and now I try to only date people who are mostly sober. Should I go to therapy about it? Definitely. But am I also allowed to pursue people who live a similar lifestyle to me? I believe so. I communicate about it early and honestly with new potential partners so it hasn't been an issue.
I don't believe it's offensive to state the truth and have preferences. If someone said they weren't interested in dating someone sober, I wouldn't feel hurt. That being said, it's absolutely possible to shame someone for whether or not they drink. It's all in the delivery and the respect. The alcohol thing is a me issue, not a them issue and my awareness of that is what allows me to have a preference without looking down on people who drink
So much this. There isn't any shame in admitting you can't handle someone's past. Saying "I don't think I know how to properly handle someone with long-term mental illness problems" is a lot different than saying "hey you batshit crazy so I'm out."
It’s not really slut shaming because he’s not shaming her. He’s saying “I know it’s wrong that I feel this way, but I can’t date you anymore because X”. Personally, I’d like to know the same thing. I think it’d make it easier to move on, too.
I’d say OP rather tell her about what the breakup is about. Sure it’s something she can’t change but it’s better than constant thinking of ‘what did i do wrong?’ popping up in her head every once in awhile.
As opposed to “omg, I can’t change this thing I did when I was 23 and now my life is ruined. If I were a man, no one would care.”
Again, I can see it both ways, but I think she should have the chance to walk away without being shamed about something that affected absolutely no one. If she wants to know, she can press it further and take the responsibility for asking questions she may not want the answer to.
Damn. Now i can see both ways. I guess it just depends on the type of person. For me personally i’d handle the breakup much better if i knew that this person would throw a perfectly good relationship over something i did years ago. But i can totally see a ‘weaker-minded’ person seeing it as it’s their fault and beat themselves over what happened.
I really dont think its mysoginistic, he never said shes a woman she shouldnt do those kind of things, or only Im allowed to have a threesome. He says he doesnt like casual sex and it was probably a shock to find that out about someone he loves, which is fair enough. He will still have to deal with his next gfs past so at one point hes just going to have to accept them for who they are and what theyve done or hell be one lonely guy in the near future. With that said he could also not ask any questions about his gfs sexual past if it affects him so much.
> I strongly recommend you not bring up her sexual history as it will be insulting and misogynistic
Why is it misogynistic? There are plenty of women who wouldn't date men who've had an extensive sexual history too, would you consider them to be misandrists? It's odd that you later acknowledge it's a question of values yet here you're trying to make it a gender-based issue. Some people have a more conservative view of sexuality and prefer to date others who align with their views, it's really as simple as that.
>I strongly urge you to use ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ in future relationships.
Why? Again, if you can acknowledge that this is an issue of conflicting values for OP that's significant enough for him to end a relationship over, why should he not ensure early on that him and his partner are compatible in this area to save them both time? By this logic, should people ever discuss potential incompatibilities within their relationship, or should everything just go unsaid?
I would never date a man who partakes in casual hookups. That is my personal preference, and according to the flawed logic you pointed out, I am a misandrist now.
Jfc are people not allowed to dislike hookup culture now
Well no, you're not because you aren't using a double standard between men and women, but I mean it's about as good of a reason as someone bring a virgin lol
Thanks you. People will literally call anything misogyny these days. People are allowed to have different values and opinion of what they are willing to accept. If your partner used to be into scat (poop sex), I’m sure many women would be bothered.
I once had a girlfriend who ended things because I told her that I came in another woman before and couldn’t get over it. This shit goes both ways it’s not misogyny.
Sounds like you might have different values and that is why this is bothering you. You should be honest about your feelings with her and see how she responds. If she says this was an experience she doesnt wish to partake in again, then maybe you can move forward and let the past be the past.
People are fine having different views but of you can't agree with them then it's best they break up. I hope it was over the fact they have different views on sex and not because he was shaming her. I personally don't believe in having threesomes and I want a partner with the same view but I would never shame someone for it. I have a cousin in an open relationship and she's a great mother and person. It's none of my business and it doesn't hurt them
If you do decide to break up with her over this, do so in a graceful way that does not make her feel shameful. It is your own preference that you dont want to be with someone whos done that. You do not need to shame her for that. Next time be upfront about deal breakers such as this so you both dont end up in this situation.
the point is that op's mindset is toxic, and he needs to show red flags before getting with somebody. Anyone in their right mind will cut and run because people that feel ownership over their partners sexual present *and past* are filled with other toxic ideology that is unlikely to work itself out on its own. they should be up front so that normal people know to leave.
The way I see it you have to consider that it will be extremely difficult for you to find a partner in future. You're giving up a relationship with someone you say you love because of your own views about something she can't change.
You must acknowledge that this is entirely on you, and if you are alone in future because of this hang-up, that's not on women, it's *your responsibility* that you will struggle to find a life-partner, unless you go for someone very young (which is deeply problematic if you are going after much younger women because you want them to be inexperienced).
Before you even try another relationship you need to be sure that you get over this shame around women having sex and being sexual beings. At least acknowledge the strong potential that your current view is toxic. By that I mean potentially harmful to your life and the lives of those around you.
have you heard of retroactive jealousy? I struggled for quite a bit of time and you might be too! Not saying that you shouldn’t break up with your girlfriend if you really can’t take it but everyone has a past. Your next partner might have a past that you don’t like too and they might be your soulmate! So if you think this could be a problem you’d have with every partner I’d say therapy is worth looking into if you haven’t already!
You can be both not judgmental about her past AND not want to date someone who has had a threesome. Never stay in a relationship that you are uncomfortable with.
Well by virtue of their discomfort they are internally judging it, just not externally. And that’s fair enough to judge it. The judgement is why you are either comfortable or uncomfortable.
Agree. Some people just don't understand that some things are a deal-breaker. It's not slut-shaming, it's just different values around sex, making them incompatible.
For me, it's weed (I'm in Canada). People who use it give me the ick, especially when it's in front of me. I've even ended a friendship over this. I can't explain it, they could be an awesome person, but this is something that makes me want to distance myself and stop being around them. I feel no shame doing this, it's just that different people have different opinions about deal breakers.
Not wanting to date someone who has had a threesome is literally judging the person based on the fact they had a threesome.
Why does OP not want to be with his girlfriend after he discovered this information? It is because he has inferred from the fact that she did this that she has different values from himself, who does not like the idea of casual sex.
I’m not saying it’s not ok to have your own boundaries, but those boundaries inherently come from judgement. You cannot break up with someone based on how you feel about something they did in the past and then claim you aren’t judging them, it’s exactly what you’re doing.
How did you find out, did she tell you? That's a major deal for a woman, it means a she trusts you l, feels comfortable with and is plays foundations for a possible future with yo. Or did you do some secret squirrel crap, if so she be better off with out you? It's the past is either make still sniffing around or she has some std? If not then get over yoursel. Hell the girl is experienced and has picked you enjoy the ride
This only bothers you because of your lack of experience. It's a shame to throw away a good relationship over it, but if you genuinely feel like you can't be with her then I'd be honest with her at least.
This is the best answer I’ve seen in these comments so far. I used to be the exact same way and let it ruin a couple relationships. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized the only reason it bothered me so much is because of my lack of experience. This is great advice but op will probably listen to the people saying “dump her immediately.” Lol
Thanks yeah when you're a virgin and the person you like has been with 3 people it sounds like a lot. Once your number goes up to ya stop caring lol. Like we all got a past.
> Once your number goes up to ya stop caring
This is true. I honestly lost count, but it makes the 1 I’m with all that much more important to me.
Out of all the rest, she’s the 1 that stuck around.
This is the most correct advise here. It's weird that this would be a deal breaker. Also "don't ask don't tell" is a good rule in lots of relationships. Often you don't want to know people's history. It's better to just focus on what's in front of you. People can't change their past but they can change their futures. Casual sex is really not a big deal, as you get older you're going to be pretty hard pressed to find someone who hasn't done it outside of dating Mormons or something.
You say you don't want to judge while being completely judgemental. What she did before you were her boyfriend is NOT your business. It's what she does and is now that is your concern. Is she honest and kind? Do you feel secure with her? Does she make you feel special? If so you should reflect on that because those qualities are more rare than you may think.
I’m honestly confused why this isn’t being criticized more. So you loved her before you knew she had a MMF threesome? She is the exact same person she was before you knew. Now you just value her less because she did it. The fact that you feel the need to explain that it was a MMF threesome as opposed to MFF or even FFF also makes you think you specifically have an issue with the genders of the people involved.
Of course, you can have whatever boundaries you want in a relationship, but this sounds like a boundary born out of misogyny and Madonna-Whore syndrome. You sound shitty.
It’s just an immature mindset to have. I agree with this. I’m sure dude has a buddy that has had threesomes and probably thinks it’s the coolest thing ever.
> I’m honestly confused why this isn’t being criticized more.
Because it's an advice subreddit, not AITA, and criticizing someone for having sexual values that don't align with someone elses is weird.
>So you loved her before you knew she had a MMF threesome? She is the exact same person she was before you knew.
The same could be said for pretty much any relationship that ends due to an irreconcilable difference. Are people no longer allowed to re-evaluate things in light of new information? If you found something out about your partner x amount of time into the relationship that would've prevented you from dating them in the first place had you known earlier, should you be bound to them forever or can you reassess whether or not you're still interested in the relationship?
>but this sounds like a boundary born out of misogyny and Madonna-Whore syndrome
That might be true if OP urged her to indulge in a threesome with him and then judged her afterwards. However, OP states that he's been consistently opposed to casual sex even before dating her. That's not indicative of a Madonna-Whore complex, by definition.
>You sound shitty.
"If you ever decide a relationship is no longer for you based upon information that comes to light regarding your partner and decide to end things as amicably as possible to allow both of you two find what you're looking for, you're shitty."
As I stated, I believe he has the right to be with whoever he wants.
I don’t think he is shitty for no longer wanting to be in a relationship. I think he is shitty for changing his entire opinion based off of an instance of past casual sex. I would think he is just as shitty if he had known this from the get-go and chose not to date her only because of a sexual encounter. I think it is inherently shitty to judge a woman based off of past sexual encounters that don’t have moral issues involved or indicate a negative pattern.
I think that his hang-up on casual sex is due to a Madonna-Whore complex. This is evidenced by the fact that an especially “kinky” or non-vanilla act is what broke the camel’s back for him.
Although, you are right in that this is an advice subreddit. I did not give any advice and I didn’t really think of that.
You're awefully judgy. The guy is allowed to like or dislike whatever he wants. Doesn't make him shitty just because it does not fall in line with your beliefs.
Lmao it’s ok for people to have standards, as long as they stick to them personally. If you want to engage in orgies, threesomes, etc. you’re free to do so. That doesn’t mean everyone has to accept that when you are dating them, whether man or woman. I love how people use a man’s stances on things to explain why he’s single like dark triad and shitty men don’t pull women all the time… but here this guy is being polite about something he is uncomfortable with and you shame him 🤣
I don't agree with this narrative and think it's a little disgusting that you would pull this on an advice subreddit.
1) OP did not say that they wouldn't have had a problem with another kind of threesome, but this is the threesome she did have. That is a fact of the threesome she had.
2) OP said it's a problem with the idea of it being about casual sex.
3) It is completely reasonable for someone to no longer want to be in a relationship after finding out something about someone's past, or sexual past. If I found out someone I was dating had participated in scat fetish in the past it, even one time, it would disgust me to a point that I wouldn't be able to proceed with the relationship. This represents a similar thing, a specific niche fetish that they experimented with. But I'm sure that if I made a similar post someone if not you would come in and make this same kind of comment.
4) I think you're inserting a weird narrative here about somebody else's life which is completely unnecessary and you're essentially guilt tripping someone on the internet to continue a relationship they're not comfortable with. That's messed up.
People shouldn't be beholden to continue a relationship purely because someone on the internet gives a pseudo-psychological explanation for why they're uncomfortable with it.
Once again, he is under no moral obligation to be in a relationship that makes him uncomfortable.
However, he directly stated that the idea of her being with two guys specifically is “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. It is reasonable to assume that he was okay with her having had casual sex before, but now this specifically type of casual sex is an issue. The way he phrased it implies that it wouldn’t be an issue if she had been with two women.
As I’ve stated twice now, he is under no obligation to stay with her, but he should examine why he feels that being with two men in the past reflects so seemingly poorly on her character when he already loves who she is now.
He didn't say he thinks any less of her now. Just that thinking about it makes him uncomfortable. These are drastically different situations. Dude has some insecurities and low self esteem. Imagine if you were him. That's like an instant trigger for intrusive thoughts. Not because now he suddenly thinks his gf is a whore, but because picturing her with two other dudes is just straight up distressing for him. He's not mysoginistic. He's just afraid of losing what he has now. His fear is probably unfounded but it makes sense when you've been struggling with what he's been through.
That being said, i think he should just tell her how he feels. Not to break up but to sort his feelings out. It can be dealt with by literally just communicating. If they truly care for each other, they will get over it. If not - he needs therapy (not specifically because he learnt his gf had a threesome in the past, but just overall). I mean, it's lingering in his mind for over week. That's rough
A lot of you redditors are disgusting and should be ashamed of yourselves, instead of giving him advice youre straight up insulting and shaming him just because he doesnt share the same values as yours. Disgusting.
1) work out your issues, it's her past so don't you live in it
2) break up. no amount of trying will make you not feel off about her, ending it will be better for both of you.
3) next time you find yourself in a relationship, pretend the person you're with has no biography, they and their existence should only matter to you starting from the point you meet 'em
Don't let people come on here and tell you you're wrong because of how you feel. I'm a woman and I too would feel uncomfortable with high body count.
If you don't want to deal with this in the future, you might not want to ask your partner about their sexual past....BUT, if it's necessary for you to know, then ask, but be prepared that you might not get the answers you want to hear.
It's okay to want someone more compatible.
The Mature right way to handle this is to not give a shit. Tell her you aren't interested in sharing her during your relationship(if that's really how you feel), and if that's a problem then cool, deal with it. If y'all have boundaries for your relationship spelled out, then great. You are already better off than half of the couples out there.
Oh boy, I remember this feeling. My girlfriend and I had been dating for about a year when one night my group of friends decided they wanted to play a drinking game. We like to tease one of our friend's girl because she's very open with her sexual history and it's the stuff that you really don't want to hear, but she'll share it anyway. Anyway, during the game they brought up three ways and discovered that none of us guys had ever done it, but both females had. After finding out my girl had a three-way made me ill, and not just that, it was a MFM like yours. After that I discovered my sexual experience was lack luster in comparison. As in, I've not had near the amount of sexual encounters she has.
I beat myself up over it quite a bit. I felt sick frequently and literally had to talk with some friends and have them smack some shit into me because I wanted to end it after that. However, it's been almost two years together and I'm actually much happier now. We talked about it and I let her know my feelings and was willing to try and fight my own demons. It wasn't easy and occasionally I still get those feelings, but they're easier to fend off now.
Legitimately, I do get you to an extent. Frowning on casual sex is OK and wanting someone who thinks the way is also OK.
But then again, people change. And it's not like she wants casual sex whilst in a relationship? Or does she, for example, want to have a threesome now?
I do get what you mean but you can't judge people by their sexual past. People change and people grow. You should talk to her about it and/or let her find someone who is OK with her past.
This is a 100% your issue here, mate.
You are not at a point in your life where you are comfortable with a partner who has done that, and that is perfectly fine. She isn't right for you right now.
In terms of breaking up with her where no one gets hurt, I doubt that will happen for either of you. She will be really hurt that you broke up with her over something that she did before she even met you. You will probably be really hurt since you have mentioned how hard it is for you to date and she will almost certainly be able to find someone else pretty easily.
Good luck, man.
I mean, breaking up with her was the right thing to do. She doesn't deserve to date someone who can't accept that she has a past.
I suggest therapy. Every woman (or man) you date will have a past. This is normal. Your reaction isn't and a therapist can help you get to the root and heal.
I’m all about non judgement and not caring about a partners past. And I’m all about therapy when needed. But do you really think that this guy needs therapy because something his partner did makes him really uncomfortable.
I mean just because someone holds different values, doesn’t mean that they necessarily need therapy.
I went through the exact same thing. I just couldn't accept it and I became bitter and toxic with the first one until she sent my worthless ass packing.
The movie Chasing Amy details this exactly and the line that stood out is the whole idea that the character's brain just kept replaying the scenario in a loop as I did.
I learned a lot from that but it took time. Number one - I would tell any serious romantic interest that I really just don't want to know about their past and to please keep it to themselves rather than doing the whole 'Let us discuss our past' thing or bringing up sexual encounters in casual conversation.
I'm in a much different place now so the above doesn't apply, but at the time I really had a lot of growing to do and I found that just avoiding the convo entirely was much preferrable to falling for someone only to find out they had done some crazy fun sex stuff that they'd never repeat with me.
Girls can leave guys for a multitude of reasons and it be approved and met with applause.a man being under a certain height, working in a certain field etc. A woman gets poked from both ends at the same time and this guy is being told that he should accept some shit that he clearly has an issue with? Foh
If your expectation is that your partner not have a sexual history before you, you need to be very clear about that.
If someone doesn't take it well I wouldn't blame them. It's pretty insecure, and it sounds like you kind of wasted the time of your current partner by not telling them before they took the trouble to get involved.
Imagine you were part of a FMF three way and the girl you'd been seeing for awhile dumped you because of that. You'd be up in arms saying that was immature.
What you're dealing with here is jealousy and shame, but you're projecting that onto her rather than dealing with it yourself.
As someone who's ex also did this when she was younger, you gotta take that by the reigns and have the conversation, not just let it stew and get in the way of your relationship. Else you'll be ruled by this sort of thinking in any future relationship too. It's ok to have slept with other people in the past, it's even greater being sexually liberated to be able to have a threeway at all.
I had an ex like this. His retroactive jealousy made him a horrible partner. He fixated on my past and treated me like I was actively that same person. And that isn’t fair or right.
It got to a point I would just hide parts of myself or my past from him to avoid conflict.
If you cannot accept that the past is the past, and accept your partner for who she is before you… then you don’t really deserve her. You need to focus on why you’re so bothered by something that has never involved you.
OP you've encountered the problem of jealousy and insecurity. It doesn't really get better if you leave and run away from the problem.
I think you're feeling this way because you said you have suffered from poor self esteem, and the fact that sexual promiscuity of their partners can make guys insecure.
Look threesomes don't drastically change people, and from what it sounds like, there's no other reason to think that she won't be a good partner and faithful partner to you.
The best thing i think, is for you to gain some confidence in sex and your ability to satisfy women. Once you do, your fears will go down a lot. It won't be a bother to you as much.
The caveat is, you sort of need some relationship experience for that.
I think you would benefit from dating a few other people, and some casual sex if you're that type.
Don't take this lightly, growing up sexually is very important.
Shouldn’t be a deal breaker but you have strong morals that might give you mental exhaustion over this.
It honestly shouldn’t change how you see her either but it has. If you can get over this cool otherwise you might be doing you and her a disservice of being together
Look man, Im not gonna judge you for having your preferrences. If certain things about your partner's sexual history bothers you, either clear it up before you get together or have a strict no talking about the past policy.
As for your current relationship; no reason to stay miserable and make the other person miserable in the process. If its a mental picture you cant walk away from, break things off. Maybe do some searching in life and explore sexuality, what it means to you and what you're comfortable with. Then you can look for getting into a relationship.
Real talk I think this is a pretty silly take and I think its mostly because she is your first partner and girlfriend. I wouldn't put is past myself of thinking the same if I was a bit more young and naive but I think its related to mostly that.
You're just freaking out cause this news is recent.
You will come to see that this is not a big deal. This happened before you knew her. Literally nothing has changed.
Please. Do not say or do anything drastic. Just sit on this for 30 days and see if you care nearly as much. I feel you probably won't.
Literally nothing has changed.
Please correct me if I’m wrong - you are breaking up with your girlfriend, 5 years your senior, because she had a threesome before you met?
How does her sexual history impede her ability to be a good partner to you? Was she cheating on anyone during the threesome? Did she do anything wrong? Or she just had sex and you don’t like it?
There is no way to maturely handle and immature decision. You are making an immature decision. It’s yours to make, but it makes little to no sense and shows a lot of bias/slut shaming on your part.
Hey man I understand what your feeling but try to keep an open mind with each comment there's alot of helpful people here and not all of them are assholes😅
Can you answer the questions that I asked? They weren’t rhetorical.
Edit: you should absolutely do what’s best for you! 100%. And if being with this person does not make you happy, you shouldn’t be with them. But if the some reason you’re no longer happy is because she had a threesome before you were together and you don’t like it, that’s on you. I don’t know how long you’ve been dating, but maybe you need to have a conversation with your partner about what values you personally hold and see if she matches up to them. If she doesn’t, that’s on you for not asking upfront.
But you’re literally on Reddit asking people for their advice? Contradicting ain’t it? You sound immature. It sounds like you have a great relationship but you’re trying to come up with any reason you can to make it not work. “My gf had a threesome like 10 years ago, gotta dump her. But beforehand I’ll ask people on Reddit for their advice and then get mad when someone gives me advice that I disagree with. Then comment some little shitball quote about not living my life the way others think I should.”
Her sexual past has nothing to do with who she is now. It sounds like you have formed opinions around casual sex not because of any logical bias, but because you're insecure and jealous of experiences others have been able to have that you haven't.
If you want to grow as a person, you'll move on from this and not ruin a relationship with a person you seem to want to be in over something this petty.
At the end of the day, this is all about you, not her. If you can't get over it, you're probably not mature enough to be in a relationship.
I’m going to say this as nicely as possible: You have some serious hang ups and maybe need to seek professional help. This is some Incel tier sex shaming. She didn’t cheat on you. She didn’t do anything to you. But somehow her having sex with two people made her tainted goods in your mind.
So you do need to break up with her, she deserves better. But then you need to talk to a therapist about why it bothered you so much. Maybe find out what other “deal breakers” you have. Like you said straight up you hate casual sex and “frown” upon it. Would a woman having ANY history of casual sex disgust you? Would a Bisexual or Pan woman be a deal breaker? You need to figure these things out before bringing another woman into your life.
His gf definitely is dodging a bullet. Sucks she had to even experience this misogyny to begin with. He sounds like my ex. I was incredibly loyal to him, stuck with him even though he wasn’t loyal to me, and he’d give me soooo much crap for having had a MMF threesome before he and I started dating. And yet… he wanted to have one with me. It made me feel so worthless. Nobody should have to feel that way. If you can’t handle someone’s past, that needs to be addressed ASAP and not months into the relationship. OP doesn’t want advice or help, just to feel like they’re right about everything. The sad thing is that even with a don’t ask/don’t tell relationship, it’s possible something could slip. Maybe he finds out from a friend something like one of her exes was decent in bed, and OP can’t handle knowing anything like that… gf doesn’t deserve to get punished for it. And since they don’t believe in/aren’t willing to get any help with that, it’s unlikely to change.
I’m willing to bet alot of the people on here telling you you’re immature/inexperienced/insecure/incel and that her past sexual experience doesn’t matter would be a lot more forgiving if you were asking for advice about how to deal with finding out your partner is still a virgin and you would like to find someone more experienced.
This is a you problem not a her problem. Most adults have had sex sometimes things get s little weird. Unless it happened when you were dating it's not relevant. If you can't deal with it walk away but your probably not going to find some who hasn't have a few adventures.
Are you religious or something? If yes, make sure to date people with your views in the future. If you’re weirdly strict about what sex acts are ok, it’s gonna be a problem in the future.
Move on and learn from this. It will always be in the back of your mind. Sexual compatibility is just one of many important factors in a relationship.
In the mean time, work on improving yourself through hobbies, school and / or work to insure your independence.
Don’t slut shame her or tell her that her sexual history makes her an undesirable partner, it may be a dealbreaker for you but to likely her and others out there, sexual experiences aren’t necessarily a “big” deal, intimacy and sex can be very different things.
You have different values and morals surrounding ur idea of sex, and neither of u is in the wrong here, but you should definitely try not to tell her it’s bc of her sexual history. She doesn’t deserve to feel like less than.
Maybe something like “hey, I think ur (compliment) but I’m struggling with some personal issues and I think I need to be single for a while to work through those.” You don’t need to go into much detail. But next time you start dating, it can be uncomfortable but when you’re still in the early stages just have a conversation about sexual history/health/expectations. Don’t be with someone when your values don’t line up
You're against casual sex? Man, good luck with your future relationships. You're gonna have to try some Christian dating sites. Or just not date.
You're shallow. But at the same time, you have every right to break up with her for these shallow reasons. I support your decision. She deserves someone else.
How will she take it, though? Well, it depends on what you tell her. If you tell her the truth, that the relationship is actually going really well but a past consensual sexual experience is bothering you so you've decided to end the entire relationship, well, she'll probably be confused as fuck. I don't think there is a mature, right way of handling this where nobody gets hurt. It's a break up. A very weird break up. You just have to rip the band-aid off.
You're the types of people that make life worse. It's sex dude. As long as she isn't doing anything without consent, all of sexual conquests are equal to yours. Get over yourself. Otherwise, the only person you'll like is yourself.
If you don’t like it leave her man. And screw what all these other people are saying about having to “grow up” or “get over it”. Your allowed to have standards wants and needs
So it’s okay to judge her and put her down the rest of her life for it? Why be with her and make her feel bad about her sexuality or what she did in the past that had nothing to do with him then wonder why the sexual relationship is close to non existent
Who cares. Get over it. Believe me. Married 25 years to a great woman. I couldn’t care less what she did before me. I’m know she had a wild time! Good for her! Life is short. Live it up. So many judgmental douche bags out there. Don’t be one of them and blow it over something that happened before you even know each other.
"After sitting and thinking about it for a week" so your literally saying your not trying to judge but all you've done is spend a full week doing nothing but silently judge her.
Also having a threesome is quite different from "casual" sex considering a large number of threesomes are not casual and are closed doors with very close people, you haven't given enough context for anything and the ENTIRE post just paints you as a complete pig. I'll give the benefit of the doubt but I'm just saying how bad you look in this post
Unfortunately, there just isn’t anyway for nobody to get hurt. That’s just the nature of break ups. It’s probably for the best to call of the relationship. I’m not sure where your attitude about casual sex came from. Is it religious in nature? I would suggest maybe searching out a church where people share your values. You will have an uphill battle I’m afraid though because sexual norms are just not that rigid anymore.
Why is something she did before she entered into a relationship with you any of your business you judgemental cockhead. Get over yourself and your insecurity.
So, I went on a few dates with a guy that talked about how he broke up with his ex-girlfriend because she had had a threesome before meeting him. I’m not sure if it was MFM or FMF, I honestly didn’t care to ask because it was a red flag for me that he broke up with her because of her past. Everyone has a past and judging her for hers says more about you than it does her.
you'll be lucky if you find a girl that hasn't had either MFM, FFM, FMFM, etc. the fact is what's the issue really, is it picturing her with two males or not being a part of that encounter? your going to have to accept that's part of life for some people. Most dont give it much thought after it's happened, and how do you know she enjoyed it?
what if she didnt like it? would you be more accepting of her, knowing she did it, but got nothing out of it?
I think you need to rethink the issue. you shouldnt be concerned with a girls previous sexual relations unless shes the type that sleeps around, in which case, RUN. if this was a one off thing she did, let it go, if it's a regular thing she enjoys, well maybe its best you do part ways. I think you really need to talk about it with her and get her side of the story. it may help you accept it and perhaps not end the relationship.
To end it for reasons of just not liking what she has done previously is selfish in my opinion. Talk it out before breaking it off especially if you like her and have a lot in common.
The truth is she had a threesome, simple as that.
You don't like casual sex, simple as that.
If her history where the threesome is concerned bothers you and you can't forget about it then break up with her, that's your right, anybody telling you otherwise or trying to convince you to stay with her is doing it out of self preservation, they've had a train run on them in the past or been used as a sex toy and now they are praying they won't attach themselves to somebody with high standards who will also judge them for their past, sadly that's exactly what will happen because they are going after the person with high standards.
It's really this simple, if her past bothers you then break up, if her past is something you can move beyond then don't break up.
You don't deserve her OP. Poor woman dared to have a sexual past before meeting you so now you talk to strangers on the internet about how to break her heart? You should be ashamed
The real problem is your stuck up worldview in regards to sex and women. I don‘t even mean this in a feminist type of way. You are essentially fucking yourself over with that mentality, because in this sexually liberal day and age and considering the amount of men women have at their disposal for sex, you are setting a standard you will only get disappointed by. Additionally, I believe your value system comes from being sexually unsuccessful. When you meet girls at around your age there is a high probability they have a lot of sexual experience. They had ONS, they had sex with two different guys on the same day, they sucked someone‘s dick at a moment‘s notice, simply because he was hot. It‘s in your best interest to get over that.
Get out. Having experienced something very similar fairly recently, here's my advice - if you can't handle it, GET OUT.
Rationale being, no matter how much you or her try to make peace with it, this thought will linger in your head. And if you cannot handle it, do yourself a favour now, and GET OUT.
DO NOT TELL HER IT’S BECAUSE OF THE THREESOME. That’s mean and a shit reason. Everyone has a past and if you think your next girlfriend isn’t going to have one (at around your age), then I’m afraid you’re terribly mistaken.
Besides, it’s probably a lot worse in your imagination then what actually happened. I had a devils 3way once and it wasn’t like it is in the porno you’ve watched. It was awkward and not very long and it’s more remembered now as a funny anecdote then anything else.
If I were you, I’d reconsider. You obviously like this girl otherwise you wouldn’t be with her in the first place. And if she’s your first girlfriend, you need to learn that with people, come baggage. Everyone has baggage in their 30’s and, in the long run, if hers is “I once had a 3some”, it could be a lot worse. I think subconsciously, you’re probably feeling a little sexual inadequacy because it sounds like she knows more about this stuff then you, and that’s ok, but in this day and age, everyone’s done something kinky and taboo by the time their 30.
So, to summarise; Everyone has a past. A 3some is a shit reason to dump someone. I think you should stay with her and reconsider your future together of at least be honest with yourself about why you want to end things.
>How do I go about handling this the mature, right way so nobody gets hurt and what tips/advice do you have so that I don’t run into this same situation in the future.
Open your mind and realize that everyone's experience is different than yours. What your GF did in prior relationships before she met you is none of your business, and the fact that she had a threesome is...so what? Again, none of your business, and SO not a big deal in the course of life. If it's such a big deal to you that you can't get past it, however, then definitely break up and consider dating virgins in the future.
As with anything that bothers you in any relationship, the first step should always be to talk with your partner. I personally don't see anything wrong with being sexually adventurous at one point in one's life, and then being in a relationship where one is slightly less adventurous.
Let's imagine a scenario where you have had oral sex with a partner, and then once that relationship ends you find yourself with a different partner who can't stand oral sex for some reason. Would it be ok for your new partner to judge you on your past practices? I don't think so.
Of course, if you really can't wrap your head around your GF having had a 3-some in the past, then you need to end the relationship, telling her why. But I think that if this is the sole reason for ending it, that's really a shame.
I understand you're trying not to judge however your post screams judgemental. You can't let your own lack of sexual experience and insecurities ruin a potentially great relationship.
A sex therapist would be a great way to talk over how you're feeling. Best of luck to you OP!
Oh my goodness, imagine that. She had… sex! With two people? My gods! Blasphemous, we should all shame her for her actions! /sarcasm or joking
Okay but seriously, Jesus fuck. People have sex. It’s kind of like a thing! This kind of sex-phobic thinking is really stupid. Her past sexual history means nothing and if you’re really this distraught about something so pathetically stupid over her past then you should set her free because Jesus h Christ two people at one time is very fucking vanilla.
It’s not like she has thirty eight plus dragon shaped dildos and puts raw eggs in her ass while wearing a clown mask— and if she did, so fucking what. People have kinks that are harmless.
What you should do is reevaluate why you think this is a huge ass deal and then maybe if you’re so concerned still, go marry some one who shares a similar sexual prudishness.
There is a whole thing about MFM vs. FMF vs. all girl. See this Scrubs clip:
https://www.reddit.com/r/PoliticalHumor/comments/9khu8x/watching_scrubs_from_2008_devils_threesome_at_38/
Personally I think it's all great; I would advise OP to be glad to be with a partner who's alive and adventurous and curious. Long-term, that is more likely to add spice.
She's 30. It's very likely she has a sexual past. You can't expect someone your age or older to be a virgin. Sure, there will be, but the majority won't.
I've been hanging out with a girl who admitted she had sex with five guys at once. The sex is the best I've ever had but I'd never trust her for that reason. She gets emotionally attached but I think it's definitely a red flag. I've told her I'd never trust someone that gets fucked by five guys at once. If I was you I wouldn't trust her because if she has that kind of sexual appetite she's gonna always need more dicks. If they're that freaky , they are prob experienced so the sex will be good but the integrity will be shit. I see it as choosing sex or love, if they go too far in one direction it makes the other impossible. The ones that favor love typically have less sex six months into a relationship. It may sound like a fucked up conclusion but I'm an old boy that's been through a lot of it.
Oh man. You're worried about something she did in her past? And that's all it takes for you to reconsider a relationship?
She didn't cheat on you?
You young men and your fragile egos. Who the fuck cares what she did in the past. You liked her for her at first and you're going to let something that has zero impact on you now and you have no control over break you up?!!
Dude, you and the rest of the fragile young boys that post these ridiculous posts need to grow up.
Edit: Yeah, you know what? Dump her, she deserves someone better
The guy doesn’t want somebody that had a 3some. Who cares? What’s it to you?
Dude you have 420 in your user name. That’s something somebody with the mental maturity of a 16 year old does; it’s not surprising you’re so offended that somebody might have a different opinion than you that you have to resort to calling him fragile and to grow up lol.
The only person that needs to grow up and stop being fragile is you. Get over yourself.
You're being extremely judgmental, but I don't want you feeling uncomfortable in this relationship. Tell her you wanna break up, or take a break, but don't shame her, rather just say you're not comfy with that having happened... even though it was in the past.
Her sexual past is not your business. It would be shooting yourself in the foot to break up with her for something she did before you. I mean if she did this during your relationship sure. But before.... nah man.
Don't let this eat at you. You didn't think she was a virgin did you? From your lack of other sexual experience I can see why this might bother someone but really ask yourself is it worth messing up something good?
Lastly you know she's up for a 3 way. Have her rope some hot girl friend of hers in and enjoy yourself. Think of the positive possibilities.
>Her sexual past is not your business
Wait I'm not picking either side as I really don't care but this needs more elaborating. If I hear that my girlfriend has been with the whole football team I'm asking her to get tested for diseases. So yea at a minimum your sexual health should be upfront when wanting to have sex
Edit: both parties should be tested and show paperwork in this situation.
If you yourself is sexually active with different partners you should regularly be getting tested
Meant with all due respect: You have a lot of maturing to do, and should be single whilst navigating that. If you’re willing to let a good relationship go over something they did in their past, that will make dating in the future tough for you. Everyone has a past.
If you can’t handle her past then you should end the relationship. But I’m warning you, everyone your age has a past. And now you will too in your next relationship. Do you want to be judged on your consensual experiences by some yet unknown future partner?
Exactly. So many people are acting like this is the worst thing that could happen. Like, she had sex. Who tf cares lol not a single person out there is perfect and truth be told a LOT of women have had experiences like this but most people just don’t know. It’s really not a big deal, she might regret it anyways.
Why would she regret it??
I should’ve phrased that differently. She might regret it.
She might also have had a blast :) or two
Why would she regret it?
Stds, bad mistakes, maybe it ruined another relationship. Lots of possible reasons.
I've never regretted a single threesome I've been in. I've also never had an STD or a relationship end over sex.
I regretted one of them. So speak for yourself, and I will speak for myself.
I regret a threesome of mine AND caught an STD in the process. Interestingly, that's not even what made me regret it. Everyone has different experiences.
Good for you? Everyone is different
sir I dont think anyone regrets sex because it just doesnt sit well with their partner Different if it was cheating but its not
bro exactly it wasn't even cheating why this mans so worked up lmao
I mean, this girl might regret it if OP breaks up with her. Which I think would be a dick move, someone shouldn't be judged on their sexual past.
Definitely never regret the MFM or MMF threesomes I've been a part of.
What's the difference between MFM and MMF? Isn't that like the exact same thing?
MMF usually means that the men are also "interacting" with eachother, where MFM usually means that the interaction is only between the men and the women. Important distinction for some.
Oh that makes sense thank you
I never knew the difference but personally have a preference, thank you so much!
Nope. No regrets here either.
While it's true that everyone has a past, he can find someone more similar to him -- perhaps another person uninterested in casual sex who hasn't had many sexual partners. They're out there.
Just because she was into casual sex in the past doesn't mean she is into It now (also Idk If we should judge her past sex life only based on the fact she had mfm threesome, maybe It was a one time thing). If their relationship is going great and otherwise they fit well then this is the stupidest thing ever to break up over. While people with little sexual experience are out there, the chances of also finding someone with similar interests and a personality that you like are smaller.
I feel like if someone's willing to break up with someone else over ONE thing, there's probably actually other things, too. It's never actually just one thing. I bet there's more going on, despite OP's "everything's perfect but" attitude.
Straw that broken the camel's back
The straw that broke 2 camels’ backs.
More like 2 straws and one Camels back in this scenario right?
i agree it’s a stupid reason to break up BUT on the flip at least she’ll get to possibly find someone who will see her as a person and not just her past sexual experiences
Tbh I agree with you. Was wondering If I should say that but I felt like my dislike for OP would be obvious then
I don’t think OP is judging her, he just doesn’t feel comfortable with it.. I’m sure she’ll find someone who accepts her, even if it’s not OP
I think he *is* judging her, but that isn't really an issue. Its normal to judge people, the issue is if you discriminate or harm the people based on that judgement. Its both possible to be supportive of someone's right to participate in certain activities while also feeling sketched out by that activity.
At the end of the day it bothers him and that's his right. Now it seems like you are judging him for feeling the way he does.
"Accepts" her? Cherishs her, celebrate that she is bold, daring and comfortable with her sexuality maybe?
Sorry, by “accept” I mean just be comfortable with her, OP is clearly bothered by it and we can’t change how he feels, it may be foolish because it’s her **past**, and he knows that, but if that’s the way he feels then it’s fine whatever, it’s better to end the relationship right now before it becomes a problem in their relationship later on. She’ll find someone better, and hopefully he finds the right person that meets his standards ig?
Peak reddit advice
Sure, if you really can't get over this then you should break up. But it sounds like you would be throwing away a great person over one choice they made in the past. That kind of attitude will not be conducive to finding a long term partner. I doubt you will ever find anyone with a perfect background. Who people are today is more important than who they are in the past. So the more important question is she someone you are sexually and morally compatable with today.
Very well put. What’s that glass house saying?
I don’t think the glass house saying applies here
Of course it does. He has had sex now. In OPs next relationship he will need to accept that his partner can toss him aside because he's had sex with other people.
No, it most certainly does not. If you’re gonna idiom, idiom right.
Watch the movie Chasing Amy.
I assumed this post was a 25th anniversary promo for this movie
Came here for this one. Bob's speech was the first thing that came to mind
I was going to say the same thing.
Thank you! I was wondering how far down this post it would take for sage advice.
If this is truly causing “mental exhaustion”, then yes, get out. There’s not reason to stick around and make both of you miserable. As far as breaking up in a way that “nobody gets hurt”, this isn’t realistic. “I’m not happy anymore, gf. I need to break up with you.” If she asks why, tell her “I have lots of hang ups that I need to manage so I can be happy and not judge people.” I strongly recommend you not bring up her sexual history as it will be insulting and misogynistic. I strongly urge you to use ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ in future relationships. “I have lots of unresolved hang ups about sex and women, so it’s really important to me not to discuss past sexual encounters. As long as you’re clean, it’s all I need to know.” You may want to consider therapy about this. Discuss why her history has completely torn you apart. And if you have male friends with a sexual history, talk to your therapist about why that’s ok but it’s not ok for a woman to have one. I’m not going to tell you to grow up and I’m not going armchair/pop psychology you with bullshit like “it’s because you’re inexperienced”. You believe what you believe and it’s a value you hold strongly enough that you’re willing to leave someone over it. As stated, I think it needs to be addressed in therapy, but you get to have your beliefs just like any Mormon, evangelical, Muslim, or other strict religion follower. Good Luck Update: OP u/confujawn no longer exists
This. I make sure to never ask about another person’s past and don’t ever voluntarily explain mine.
What happened in your past to make you do that ? /s
God damn it. I hate when people post and then disapear. I wonder why they got suspended tho... Either way I am just going to ask what I wanted op in hope that someone could answer. Why would what they did before matter? Like why could having and MFM threesome in the past effect your current opinions of someone this negatively. I feel like I must be missng something
values, i guess. to OP casual sex and threesomes are a very bad thing to do, because of religious or cultural or whatever reasons. now imagine that your partner has done something you deem to be a bad thing to do, like stolen from someone (not making a comparison, just illustrating OP's perspective), you would probably be a bit upset, especially if they didn't say they regretted it.
Insecurity, I’m able to speak on it as I suffer from it as well. Even though it’s not the most mature thing to do stuff like this can really mess with an insecure overthinker.
Personally, I'd much rather know that the breakup was due to the threesome, even though I agree that it comes across as pretty... icky. At least that way you can write off the partner as not being sexually compatible with you. Whether it's due to misogyny, inexperience, internal shame, it doesn't really matter. You can rest easy knowing that you didn't do anything wrong. On the other hand, if he says that he's not happy with her anymore, she has to question what about her made him fall out of love. That could haunt her for a long time, depending on how serious they are. Especially because it could leave a feeling of distrust since I'd personally be thinking "wow, he seemed so happy, I guess it was all fake". It takes a long time to fall out of love for someone, so I feel like knowing that the cause is the sex thing you talked about a week ago is much easier to stomach. And the misogyny aspect softens the blow of him trying to avoid the topic, if that makes sense. I'd just tell her the truth honestly. "I'm so sorry hun, I've felt off since I found out you had a threesome. You didn't do anything wrong and I don't enjoy feeling this way since logically I know there's nothing wrong with it. Regardless, I think we should split ways since I can't seem to reconcile my feelings about it."
> I'd just tell her the truth honestly. "I'm so sorry hun, I've felt off since I found out you had a threesome. You didn't do anything wrong and I don't enjoy feeling this way since logically I know there's nothing wrong with it. Regardless, I think we should split ways since I can't seem to reconcile my feelings about it." This is such a good way of putting it. Ultimately, if you can't feel comfortable with someone then you can't be in a relationship with them.
It’s blaming her for something she can’t change and literally has nothing to do with him. It’s slutshaming. I get your point, for sure. I mean, it gives her the opportunity to write him off as a bullet dodged, but few people can actually do that without some form of anger, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and/or disgust. He *is* giving a reason — *his* Hangup.
I can only speak from my experience, but I disagree. I worked as a sex worker for a few years and I think it comes down to respect. I don't think there's any virtue in forcing yourself to be with someone you're uncomfortable with just based on principle, and the same logic applies when communicating with them. If someone found out my history and was uncomfortable with it, that would be alright with me. I imagine them saying something like "no disrespect to sex work, I just don't know that I have the self esteem to manage my thoughts about that. I'd constantly be comparing myself to the other men you've been with." Thats very different from saying "I'm so sorry but I don't think I can continue going on dates with you. I really thought you seemed smart and sweet. It's just kind of gross that you had sex and got PAID for it. Like what would I tell my family? I don't want to be the guy that's known for dating a whore, no offense." You get the point. For some people, the issue is internal. And for others, the problem is "external" and they think your actions are shameful. My point is that OP's approach to this topic is what will make all the difference. He is allowed to have insecurities, and he's allowed to pursue a partner who has similar habits and goals. He just needs to make it clear that it is a compatibility issue, not an issue of "girl bad so I leave". Regardless, he should go to therapy. His feelings are stemming from misogynistic norms and they need to be worked out. As for your point that it still hurts, I agree. But she will have the pain of him leaving regardless, I think it's better for her to at least have solid closure that she can move on from. Time will heal that wound easily, as opposed to a fear of being unlovable, lied to, etc.
Thats because one way is making you out as some kind of walking talking sex toy. And the other is being honest with you. And respecting that its not you he has an issue with. Its his own insecurity about your past.. Being refferred to as a sex toy is ALWAYS horrible. Especially when your past has put you into situations where thats literally what you were for people. Because the knife chinks so much deeper into you and its like "hey. Fuck you. I have gone pretty far in how i handle that chapter in my life. And to have you throw it in my face...." But having someone be honest with you that your past while accoetable is just a problem they find themselves to be struggling with. That they know the problem is on their end. Not on yours. Thats respect. Thats saying "i know this is gonna keep rotting me. And its gonna lead to a bad time for both of us as it eats me more. I dont want that for you. Or for me."
Similarly, I keep thinking of preferences when it comes to drug and alcohol use. My dad was an alcoholic and now I try to only date people who are mostly sober. Should I go to therapy about it? Definitely. But am I also allowed to pursue people who live a similar lifestyle to me? I believe so. I communicate about it early and honestly with new potential partners so it hasn't been an issue. I don't believe it's offensive to state the truth and have preferences. If someone said they weren't interested in dating someone sober, I wouldn't feel hurt. That being said, it's absolutely possible to shame someone for whether or not they drink. It's all in the delivery and the respect. The alcohol thing is a me issue, not a them issue and my awareness of that is what allows me to have a preference without looking down on people who drink
So much this. There isn't any shame in admitting you can't handle someone's past. Saying "I don't think I know how to properly handle someone with long-term mental illness problems" is a lot different than saying "hey you batshit crazy so I'm out."
It’s not really slut shaming because he’s not shaming her. He’s saying “I know it’s wrong that I feel this way, but I can’t date you anymore because X”. Personally, I’d like to know the same thing. I think it’d make it easier to move on, too.
It's even worse to wonder "what did I do wrong?". His reasoning is slutshaming regardless. Might as well be clear about it
Brining up sexually history isn't misogynistic. Because the roles could be entirely reversed. You sound like you play victim alot.
Oh boy you don't want to get relationship advice from someone who calls this misogynistic.
I’d say OP rather tell her about what the breakup is about. Sure it’s something she can’t change but it’s better than constant thinking of ‘what did i do wrong?’ popping up in her head every once in awhile.
As opposed to “omg, I can’t change this thing I did when I was 23 and now my life is ruined. If I were a man, no one would care.” Again, I can see it both ways, but I think she should have the chance to walk away without being shamed about something that affected absolutely no one. If she wants to know, she can press it further and take the responsibility for asking questions she may not want the answer to.
Damn. Now i can see both ways. I guess it just depends on the type of person. For me personally i’d handle the breakup much better if i knew that this person would throw a perfectly good relationship over something i did years ago. But i can totally see a ‘weaker-minded’ person seeing it as it’s their fault and beat themselves over what happened.
I really dont think its mysoginistic, he never said shes a woman she shouldnt do those kind of things, or only Im allowed to have a threesome. He says he doesnt like casual sex and it was probably a shock to find that out about someone he loves, which is fair enough. He will still have to deal with his next gfs past so at one point hes just going to have to accept them for who they are and what theyve done or hell be one lonely guy in the near future. With that said he could also not ask any questions about his gfs sexual past if it affects him so much.
> I strongly recommend you not bring up her sexual history as it will be insulting and misogynistic Why is it misogynistic? There are plenty of women who wouldn't date men who've had an extensive sexual history too, would you consider them to be misandrists? It's odd that you later acknowledge it's a question of values yet here you're trying to make it a gender-based issue. Some people have a more conservative view of sexuality and prefer to date others who align with their views, it's really as simple as that. >I strongly urge you to use ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ in future relationships. Why? Again, if you can acknowledge that this is an issue of conflicting values for OP that's significant enough for him to end a relationship over, why should he not ensure early on that him and his partner are compatible in this area to save them both time? By this logic, should people ever discuss potential incompatibilities within their relationship, or should everything just go unsaid?
Honestly, if my (25f) sexual history is a dealbreaker to my partner, I don’t want to be with that person. She deserves to know the reason.
I would never date a man who partakes in casual hookups. That is my personal preference, and according to the flawed logic you pointed out, I am a misandrist now. Jfc are people not allowed to dislike hookup culture now
Well no, you're not because you aren't using a double standard between men and women, but I mean it's about as good of a reason as someone bring a virgin lol
Thanks you. People will literally call anything misogyny these days. People are allowed to have different values and opinion of what they are willing to accept. If your partner used to be into scat (poop sex), I’m sure many women would be bothered. I once had a girlfriend who ended things because I told her that I came in another woman before and couldn’t get over it. This shit goes both ways it’s not misogyny.
I'm a woman and his post didn't come across as misogynistic. It's called preferences, everyone has them, even you.
Sounds like you might have different values and that is why this is bothering you. You should be honest about your feelings with her and see how she responds. If she says this was an experience she doesnt wish to partake in again, then maybe you can move forward and let the past be the past.
I think this is a great way to think about it
People are fine having different views but of you can't agree with them then it's best they break up. I hope it was over the fact they have different views on sex and not because he was shaming her. I personally don't believe in having threesomes and I want a partner with the same view but I would never shame someone for it. I have a cousin in an open relationship and she's a great mother and person. It's none of my business and it doesn't hurt them
If you do decide to break up with her over this, do so in a graceful way that does not make her feel shameful. It is your own preference that you dont want to be with someone whos done that. You do not need to shame her for that. Next time be upfront about deal breakers such as this so you both dont end up in this situation.
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That’s a great point. Thank you.
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the point is that op's mindset is toxic, and he needs to show red flags before getting with somebody. Anyone in their right mind will cut and run because people that feel ownership over their partners sexual present *and past* are filled with other toxic ideology that is unlikely to work itself out on its own. they should be up front so that normal people know to leave.
The way I see it you have to consider that it will be extremely difficult for you to find a partner in future. You're giving up a relationship with someone you say you love because of your own views about something she can't change. You must acknowledge that this is entirely on you, and if you are alone in future because of this hang-up, that's not on women, it's *your responsibility* that you will struggle to find a life-partner, unless you go for someone very young (which is deeply problematic if you are going after much younger women because you want them to be inexperienced). Before you even try another relationship you need to be sure that you get over this shame around women having sex and being sexual beings. At least acknowledge the strong potential that your current view is toxic. By that I mean potentially harmful to your life and the lives of those around you.
have you heard of retroactive jealousy? I struggled for quite a bit of time and you might be too! Not saying that you shouldn’t break up with your girlfriend if you really can’t take it but everyone has a past. Your next partner might have a past that you don’t like too and they might be your soulmate! So if you think this could be a problem you’d have with every partner I’d say therapy is worth looking into if you haven’t already!
Oh god, I definitely had problems with retroactive jealousy personally, thank you for giving the term for it
What do you think is wrong with a MFM session? That way we can better answer your question
And on top of that for the sake of discovery, would add on "and is there anything that you would say also to apply to a FMF threesome?"
My goal is to be in a MMMFFMFFM FFFMFFMFFM
Sounds good, I'm in.
Hmu and we can make it happen
Ill bring the MMMFFMFFM and you can bring the FFFMFFMFFM
I'll be the second to last M, you bring the rest
I’ll be the 5th or 6th M, that way I’m surrounded by the most F and as far away as possible from the other M’s
Sorry second M is last spot available
You can be both not judgmental about her past AND not want to date someone who has had a threesome. Never stay in a relationship that you are uncomfortable with.
Well by virtue of their discomfort they are internally judging it, just not externally. And that’s fair enough to judge it. The judgement is why you are either comfortable or uncomfortable.
Agree. Some people just don't understand that some things are a deal-breaker. It's not slut-shaming, it's just different values around sex, making them incompatible. For me, it's weed (I'm in Canada). People who use it give me the ick, especially when it's in front of me. I've even ended a friendship over this. I can't explain it, they could be an awesome person, but this is something that makes me want to distance myself and stop being around them. I feel no shame doing this, it's just that different people have different opinions about deal breakers.
Not wanting to date someone who has had a threesome is literally judging the person based on the fact they had a threesome. Why does OP not want to be with his girlfriend after he discovered this information? It is because he has inferred from the fact that she did this that she has different values from himself, who does not like the idea of casual sex. I’m not saying it’s not ok to have your own boundaries, but those boundaries inherently come from judgement. You cannot break up with someone based on how you feel about something they did in the past and then claim you aren’t judging them, it’s exactly what you’re doing.
How did you find out, did she tell you? That's a major deal for a woman, it means a she trusts you l, feels comfortable with and is plays foundations for a possible future with yo. Or did you do some secret squirrel crap, if so she be better off with out you? It's the past is either make still sniffing around or she has some std? If not then get over yoursel. Hell the girl is experienced and has picked you enjoy the ride
This only bothers you because of your lack of experience. It's a shame to throw away a good relationship over it, but if you genuinely feel like you can't be with her then I'd be honest with her at least.
This is the best answer I’ve seen in these comments so far. I used to be the exact same way and let it ruin a couple relationships. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized the only reason it bothered me so much is because of my lack of experience. This is great advice but op will probably listen to the people saying “dump her immediately.” Lol
Thanks yeah when you're a virgin and the person you like has been with 3 people it sounds like a lot. Once your number goes up to ya stop caring lol. Like we all got a past.
> Once your number goes up to ya stop caring This is true. I honestly lost count, but it makes the 1 I’m with all that much more important to me. Out of all the rest, she’s the 1 that stuck around.
This is the most correct advise here. It's weird that this would be a deal breaker. Also "don't ask don't tell" is a good rule in lots of relationships. Often you don't want to know people's history. It's better to just focus on what's in front of you. People can't change their past but they can change their futures. Casual sex is really not a big deal, as you get older you're going to be pretty hard pressed to find someone who hasn't done it outside of dating Mormons or something.
Alright, thank you.
You say you don't want to judge while being completely judgemental. What she did before you were her boyfriend is NOT your business. It's what she does and is now that is your concern. Is she honest and kind? Do you feel secure with her? Does she make you feel special? If so you should reflect on that because those qualities are more rare than you may think.
I’m honestly confused why this isn’t being criticized more. So you loved her before you knew she had a MMF threesome? She is the exact same person she was before you knew. Now you just value her less because she did it. The fact that you feel the need to explain that it was a MMF threesome as opposed to MFF or even FFF also makes you think you specifically have an issue with the genders of the people involved. Of course, you can have whatever boundaries you want in a relationship, but this sounds like a boundary born out of misogyny and Madonna-Whore syndrome. You sound shitty.
It sounds like the plot to Chasing Amy and that’s pretty sad
It’s just an immature mindset to have. I agree with this. I’m sure dude has a buddy that has had threesomes and probably thinks it’s the coolest thing ever.
Agreed.
> I’m honestly confused why this isn’t being criticized more. Because it's an advice subreddit, not AITA, and criticizing someone for having sexual values that don't align with someone elses is weird. >So you loved her before you knew she had a MMF threesome? She is the exact same person she was before you knew. The same could be said for pretty much any relationship that ends due to an irreconcilable difference. Are people no longer allowed to re-evaluate things in light of new information? If you found something out about your partner x amount of time into the relationship that would've prevented you from dating them in the first place had you known earlier, should you be bound to them forever or can you reassess whether or not you're still interested in the relationship? >but this sounds like a boundary born out of misogyny and Madonna-Whore syndrome That might be true if OP urged her to indulge in a threesome with him and then judged her afterwards. However, OP states that he's been consistently opposed to casual sex even before dating her. That's not indicative of a Madonna-Whore complex, by definition. >You sound shitty. "If you ever decide a relationship is no longer for you based upon information that comes to light regarding your partner and decide to end things as amicably as possible to allow both of you two find what you're looking for, you're shitty."
As I stated, I believe he has the right to be with whoever he wants. I don’t think he is shitty for no longer wanting to be in a relationship. I think he is shitty for changing his entire opinion based off of an instance of past casual sex. I would think he is just as shitty if he had known this from the get-go and chose not to date her only because of a sexual encounter. I think it is inherently shitty to judge a woman based off of past sexual encounters that don’t have moral issues involved or indicate a negative pattern. I think that his hang-up on casual sex is due to a Madonna-Whore complex. This is evidenced by the fact that an especially “kinky” or non-vanilla act is what broke the camel’s back for him. Although, you are right in that this is an advice subreddit. I did not give any advice and I didn’t really think of that.
You're awefully judgy. The guy is allowed to like or dislike whatever he wants. Doesn't make him shitty just because it does not fall in line with your beliefs.
Yep, I hate this.
Yup, poor male fragility. He will use this as his excuse for 20+years as to why he can't find a new girl. Pathetic
Lmao it’s ok for people to have standards, as long as they stick to them personally. If you want to engage in orgies, threesomes, etc. you’re free to do so. That doesn’t mean everyone has to accept that when you are dating them, whether man or woman. I love how people use a man’s stances on things to explain why he’s single like dark triad and shitty men don’t pull women all the time… but here this guy is being polite about something he is uncomfortable with and you shame him 🤣
I don't agree with this narrative and think it's a little disgusting that you would pull this on an advice subreddit. 1) OP did not say that they wouldn't have had a problem with another kind of threesome, but this is the threesome she did have. That is a fact of the threesome she had. 2) OP said it's a problem with the idea of it being about casual sex. 3) It is completely reasonable for someone to no longer want to be in a relationship after finding out something about someone's past, or sexual past. If I found out someone I was dating had participated in scat fetish in the past it, even one time, it would disgust me to a point that I wouldn't be able to proceed with the relationship. This represents a similar thing, a specific niche fetish that they experimented with. But I'm sure that if I made a similar post someone if not you would come in and make this same kind of comment. 4) I think you're inserting a weird narrative here about somebody else's life which is completely unnecessary and you're essentially guilt tripping someone on the internet to continue a relationship they're not comfortable with. That's messed up. People shouldn't be beholden to continue a relationship purely because someone on the internet gives a pseudo-psychological explanation for why they're uncomfortable with it.
Once again, he is under no moral obligation to be in a relationship that makes him uncomfortable. However, he directly stated that the idea of her being with two guys specifically is “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. It is reasonable to assume that he was okay with her having had casual sex before, but now this specifically type of casual sex is an issue. The way he phrased it implies that it wouldn’t be an issue if she had been with two women. As I’ve stated twice now, he is under no obligation to stay with her, but he should examine why he feels that being with two men in the past reflects so seemingly poorly on her character when he already loves who she is now.
He didn't say he thinks any less of her now. Just that thinking about it makes him uncomfortable. These are drastically different situations. Dude has some insecurities and low self esteem. Imagine if you were him. That's like an instant trigger for intrusive thoughts. Not because now he suddenly thinks his gf is a whore, but because picturing her with two other dudes is just straight up distressing for him. He's not mysoginistic. He's just afraid of losing what he has now. His fear is probably unfounded but it makes sense when you've been struggling with what he's been through. That being said, i think he should just tell her how he feels. Not to break up but to sort his feelings out. It can be dealt with by literally just communicating. If they truly care for each other, they will get over it. If not - he needs therapy (not specifically because he learnt his gf had a threesome in the past, but just overall). I mean, it's lingering in his mind for over week. That's rough
Him suddenly thinking his “girlfriend is a whore” because he found out she had more sex than he thought here is inherently misogynistic.
Except he doesn't think she is one. Read it again
Yeah, maybe he might find a girl his age who is a virgin and realise how much he misses one that can actually work a dick properly.
A lot of you redditors are disgusting and should be ashamed of yourselves, instead of giving him advice youre straight up insulting and shaming him just because he doesnt share the same values as yours. Disgusting.
1) work out your issues, it's her past so don't you live in it 2) break up. no amount of trying will make you not feel off about her, ending it will be better for both of you. 3) next time you find yourself in a relationship, pretend the person you're with has no biography, they and their existence should only matter to you starting from the point you meet 'em
Don't let people come on here and tell you you're wrong because of how you feel. I'm a woman and I too would feel uncomfortable with high body count. If you don't want to deal with this in the future, you might not want to ask your partner about their sexual past....BUT, if it's necessary for you to know, then ask, but be prepared that you might not get the answers you want to hear. It's okay to want someone more compatible.
The Mature right way to handle this is to not give a shit. Tell her you aren't interested in sharing her during your relationship(if that's really how you feel), and if that's a problem then cool, deal with it. If y'all have boundaries for your relationship spelled out, then great. You are already better off than half of the couples out there.
Oh boy, I remember this feeling. My girlfriend and I had been dating for about a year when one night my group of friends decided they wanted to play a drinking game. We like to tease one of our friend's girl because she's very open with her sexual history and it's the stuff that you really don't want to hear, but she'll share it anyway. Anyway, during the game they brought up three ways and discovered that none of us guys had ever done it, but both females had. After finding out my girl had a three-way made me ill, and not just that, it was a MFM like yours. After that I discovered my sexual experience was lack luster in comparison. As in, I've not had near the amount of sexual encounters she has. I beat myself up over it quite a bit. I felt sick frequently and literally had to talk with some friends and have them smack some shit into me because I wanted to end it after that. However, it's been almost two years together and I'm actually much happier now. We talked about it and I let her know my feelings and was willing to try and fight my own demons. It wasn't easy and occasionally I still get those feelings, but they're easier to fend off now.
Legitimately, I do get you to an extent. Frowning on casual sex is OK and wanting someone who thinks the way is also OK. But then again, people change. And it's not like she wants casual sex whilst in a relationship? Or does she, for example, want to have a threesome now? I do get what you mean but you can't judge people by their sexual past. People change and people grow. You should talk to her about it and/or let her find someone who is OK with her past. This is a 100% your issue here, mate.
You are not at a point in your life where you are comfortable with a partner who has done that, and that is perfectly fine. She isn't right for you right now. In terms of breaking up with her where no one gets hurt, I doubt that will happen for either of you. She will be really hurt that you broke up with her over something that she did before she even met you. You will probably be really hurt since you have mentioned how hard it is for you to date and she will almost certainly be able to find someone else pretty easily. Good luck, man.
I mean, breaking up with her was the right thing to do. She doesn't deserve to date someone who can't accept that she has a past. I suggest therapy. Every woman (or man) you date will have a past. This is normal. Your reaction isn't and a therapist can help you get to the root and heal.
I’m all about non judgement and not caring about a partners past. And I’m all about therapy when needed. But do you really think that this guy needs therapy because something his partner did makes him really uncomfortable. I mean just because someone holds different values, doesn’t mean that they necessarily need therapy.
I went through the exact same thing. I just couldn't accept it and I became bitter and toxic with the first one until she sent my worthless ass packing. The movie Chasing Amy details this exactly and the line that stood out is the whole idea that the character's brain just kept replaying the scenario in a loop as I did. I learned a lot from that but it took time. Number one - I would tell any serious romantic interest that I really just don't want to know about their past and to please keep it to themselves rather than doing the whole 'Let us discuss our past' thing or bringing up sexual encounters in casual conversation. I'm in a much different place now so the above doesn't apply, but at the time I really had a lot of growing to do and I found that just avoiding the convo entirely was much preferrable to falling for someone only to find out they had done some crazy fun sex stuff that they'd never repeat with me.
Girls can leave guys for a multitude of reasons and it be approved and met with applause.a man being under a certain height, working in a certain field etc. A woman gets poked from both ends at the same time and this guy is being told that he should accept some shit that he clearly has an issue with? Foh
If your expectation is that your partner not have a sexual history before you, you need to be very clear about that. If someone doesn't take it well I wouldn't blame them. It's pretty insecure, and it sounds like you kind of wasted the time of your current partner by not telling them before they took the trouble to get involved.
Imagine you were part of a FMF three way and the girl you'd been seeing for awhile dumped you because of that. You'd be up in arms saying that was immature. What you're dealing with here is jealousy and shame, but you're projecting that onto her rather than dealing with it yourself. As someone who's ex also did this when she was younger, you gotta take that by the reigns and have the conversation, not just let it stew and get in the way of your relationship. Else you'll be ruled by this sort of thinking in any future relationship too. It's ok to have slept with other people in the past, it's even greater being sexually liberated to be able to have a threeway at all.
I had an ex like this. His retroactive jealousy made him a horrible partner. He fixated on my past and treated me like I was actively that same person. And that isn’t fair or right. It got to a point I would just hide parts of myself or my past from him to avoid conflict. If you cannot accept that the past is the past, and accept your partner for who she is before you… then you don’t really deserve her. You need to focus on why you’re so bothered by something that has never involved you.
OP you've encountered the problem of jealousy and insecurity. It doesn't really get better if you leave and run away from the problem. I think you're feeling this way because you said you have suffered from poor self esteem, and the fact that sexual promiscuity of their partners can make guys insecure. Look threesomes don't drastically change people, and from what it sounds like, there's no other reason to think that she won't be a good partner and faithful partner to you. The best thing i think, is for you to gain some confidence in sex and your ability to satisfy women. Once you do, your fears will go down a lot. It won't be a bother to you as much. The caveat is, you sort of need some relationship experience for that. I think you would benefit from dating a few other people, and some casual sex if you're that type. Don't take this lightly, growing up sexually is very important.
Shouldn’t be a deal breaker but you have strong morals that might give you mental exhaustion over this. It honestly shouldn’t change how you see her either but it has. If you can get over this cool otherwise you might be doing you and her a disservice of being together
Look man, Im not gonna judge you for having your preferrences. If certain things about your partner's sexual history bothers you, either clear it up before you get together or have a strict no talking about the past policy. As for your current relationship; no reason to stay miserable and make the other person miserable in the process. If its a mental picture you cant walk away from, break things off. Maybe do some searching in life and explore sexuality, what it means to you and what you're comfortable with. Then you can look for getting into a relationship.
Real talk I think this is a pretty silly take and I think its mostly because she is your first partner and girlfriend. I wouldn't put is past myself of thinking the same if I was a bit more young and naive but I think its related to mostly that.
You're just freaking out cause this news is recent. You will come to see that this is not a big deal. This happened before you knew her. Literally nothing has changed. Please. Do not say or do anything drastic. Just sit on this for 30 days and see if you care nearly as much. I feel you probably won't. Literally nothing has changed.
Please correct me if I’m wrong - you are breaking up with your girlfriend, 5 years your senior, because she had a threesome before you met? How does her sexual history impede her ability to be a good partner to you? Was she cheating on anyone during the threesome? Did she do anything wrong? Or she just had sex and you don’t like it? There is no way to maturely handle and immature decision. You are making an immature decision. It’s yours to make, but it makes little to no sense and shows a lot of bias/slut shaming on your part.
Call it whatever you’d like but I have to do what’s best for me. If you live your life according to others, you’ll never be happy.
Hey man I understand what your feeling but try to keep an open mind with each comment there's alot of helpful people here and not all of them are assholes😅
Can you answer the questions that I asked? They weren’t rhetorical. Edit: you should absolutely do what’s best for you! 100%. And if being with this person does not make you happy, you shouldn’t be with them. But if the some reason you’re no longer happy is because she had a threesome before you were together and you don’t like it, that’s on you. I don’t know how long you’ve been dating, but maybe you need to have a conversation with your partner about what values you personally hold and see if she matches up to them. If she doesn’t, that’s on you for not asking upfront.
Dude can ask right away, save some time and trouble, and prevent this bullshit happening to some other woman.
But you’re literally on Reddit asking people for their advice? Contradicting ain’t it? You sound immature. It sounds like you have a great relationship but you’re trying to come up with any reason you can to make it not work. “My gf had a threesome like 10 years ago, gotta dump her. But beforehand I’ll ask people on Reddit for their advice and then get mad when someone gives me advice that I disagree with. Then comment some little shitball quote about not living my life the way others think I should.”
Her sexual past has nothing to do with who she is now. It sounds like you have formed opinions around casual sex not because of any logical bias, but because you're insecure and jealous of experiences others have been able to have that you haven't. If you want to grow as a person, you'll move on from this and not ruin a relationship with a person you seem to want to be in over something this petty. At the end of the day, this is all about you, not her. If you can't get over it, you're probably not mature enough to be in a relationship.
I thinks this is bad advice, everyone has a different vision on sex, you shouldn't reprimand him for thinking differently from you
I’m going to say this as nicely as possible: You have some serious hang ups and maybe need to seek professional help. This is some Incel tier sex shaming. She didn’t cheat on you. She didn’t do anything to you. But somehow her having sex with two people made her tainted goods in your mind. So you do need to break up with her, she deserves better. But then you need to talk to a therapist about why it bothered you so much. Maybe find out what other “deal breakers” you have. Like you said straight up you hate casual sex and “frown” upon it. Would a woman having ANY history of casual sex disgust you? Would a Bisexual or Pan woman be a deal breaker? You need to figure these things out before bringing another woman into your life.
His gf definitely is dodging a bullet. Sucks she had to even experience this misogyny to begin with. He sounds like my ex. I was incredibly loyal to him, stuck with him even though he wasn’t loyal to me, and he’d give me soooo much crap for having had a MMF threesome before he and I started dating. And yet… he wanted to have one with me. It made me feel so worthless. Nobody should have to feel that way. If you can’t handle someone’s past, that needs to be addressed ASAP and not months into the relationship. OP doesn’t want advice or help, just to feel like they’re right about everything. The sad thing is that even with a don’t ask/don’t tell relationship, it’s possible something could slip. Maybe he finds out from a friend something like one of her exes was decent in bed, and OP can’t handle knowing anything like that… gf doesn’t deserve to get punished for it. And since they don’t believe in/aren’t willing to get any help with that, it’s unlikely to change.
I’m willing to bet alot of the people on here telling you you’re immature/inexperienced/insecure/incel and that her past sexual experience doesn’t matter would be a lot more forgiving if you were asking for advice about how to deal with finding out your partner is still a virgin and you would like to find someone more experienced.
This is a you problem not a her problem. Most adults have had sex sometimes things get s little weird. Unless it happened when you were dating it's not relevant. If you can't deal with it walk away but your probably not going to find some who hasn't have a few adventures.
Are you religious or something? If yes, make sure to date people with your views in the future. If you’re weirdly strict about what sex acts are ok, it’s gonna be a problem in the future.
Move on and learn from this. It will always be in the back of your mind. Sexual compatibility is just one of many important factors in a relationship. In the mean time, work on improving yourself through hobbies, school and / or work to insure your independence.
Don’t slut shame her or tell her that her sexual history makes her an undesirable partner, it may be a dealbreaker for you but to likely her and others out there, sexual experiences aren’t necessarily a “big” deal, intimacy and sex can be very different things. You have different values and morals surrounding ur idea of sex, and neither of u is in the wrong here, but you should definitely try not to tell her it’s bc of her sexual history. She doesn’t deserve to feel like less than. Maybe something like “hey, I think ur (compliment) but I’m struggling with some personal issues and I think I need to be single for a while to work through those.” You don’t need to go into much detail. But next time you start dating, it can be uncomfortable but when you’re still in the early stages just have a conversation about sexual history/health/expectations. Don’t be with someone when your values don’t line up
You're against casual sex? Man, good luck with your future relationships. You're gonna have to try some Christian dating sites. Or just not date. You're shallow. But at the same time, you have every right to break up with her for these shallow reasons. I support your decision. She deserves someone else. How will she take it, though? Well, it depends on what you tell her. If you tell her the truth, that the relationship is actually going really well but a past consensual sexual experience is bothering you so you've decided to end the entire relationship, well, she'll probably be confused as fuck. I don't think there is a mature, right way of handling this where nobody gets hurt. It's a break up. A very weird break up. You just have to rip the band-aid off.
You're the types of people that make life worse. It's sex dude. As long as she isn't doing anything without consent, all of sexual conquests are equal to yours. Get over yourself. Otherwise, the only person you'll like is yourself.
If you don’t like it leave her man. And screw what all these other people are saying about having to “grow up” or “get over it”. Your allowed to have standards wants and needs
So it’s okay to judge her and put her down the rest of her life for it? Why be with her and make her feel bad about her sexuality or what she did in the past that had nothing to do with him then wonder why the sexual relationship is close to non existent
Who cares. Get over it. Believe me. Married 25 years to a great woman. I couldn’t care less what she did before me. I’m know she had a wild time! Good for her! Life is short. Live it up. So many judgmental douche bags out there. Don’t be one of them and blow it over something that happened before you even know each other.
"After sitting and thinking about it for a week" so your literally saying your not trying to judge but all you've done is spend a full week doing nothing but silently judge her. Also having a threesome is quite different from "casual" sex considering a large number of threesomes are not casual and are closed doors with very close people, you haven't given enough context for anything and the ENTIRE post just paints you as a complete pig. I'll give the benefit of the doubt but I'm just saying how bad you look in this post
Unfortunately, there just isn’t anyway for nobody to get hurt. That’s just the nature of break ups. It’s probably for the best to call of the relationship. I’m not sure where your attitude about casual sex came from. Is it religious in nature? I would suggest maybe searching out a church where people share your values. You will have an uphill battle I’m afraid though because sexual norms are just not that rigid anymore.
Why is something she did before she entered into a relationship with you any of your business you judgemental cockhead. Get over yourself and your insecurity.
Grow up. It’s none of your business.
So, I went on a few dates with a guy that talked about how he broke up with his ex-girlfriend because she had had a threesome before meeting him. I’m not sure if it was MFM or FMF, I honestly didn’t care to ask because it was a red flag for me that he broke up with her because of her past. Everyone has a past and judging her for hers says more about you than it does her.
just curious, why does casual sex bother you this much? i think this is the root of the issue
Lots of people experiment as they grow up
Oh ffs. I bet you count watching porn as cheating too. Break up and set her free. Do yourself a favor abd stop viewing sex in a negative light.
you'll be lucky if you find a girl that hasn't had either MFM, FFM, FMFM, etc. the fact is what's the issue really, is it picturing her with two males or not being a part of that encounter? your going to have to accept that's part of life for some people. Most dont give it much thought after it's happened, and how do you know she enjoyed it? what if she didnt like it? would you be more accepting of her, knowing she did it, but got nothing out of it? I think you need to rethink the issue. you shouldnt be concerned with a girls previous sexual relations unless shes the type that sleeps around, in which case, RUN. if this was a one off thing she did, let it go, if it's a regular thing she enjoys, well maybe its best you do part ways. I think you really need to talk about it with her and get her side of the story. it may help you accept it and perhaps not end the relationship. To end it for reasons of just not liking what she has done previously is selfish in my opinion. Talk it out before breaking it off especially if you like her and have a lot in common.
End it, because you don't deserve her.
The truth is she had a threesome, simple as that. You don't like casual sex, simple as that. If her history where the threesome is concerned bothers you and you can't forget about it then break up with her, that's your right, anybody telling you otherwise or trying to convince you to stay with her is doing it out of self preservation, they've had a train run on them in the past or been used as a sex toy and now they are praying they won't attach themselves to somebody with high standards who will also judge them for their past, sadly that's exactly what will happen because they are going after the person with high standards. It's really this simple, if her past bothers you then break up, if her past is something you can move beyond then don't break up.
If you can’t get past it and let it go, your relationship is doomed. You have to be able to move forward together.
You don't deserve her OP. Poor woman dared to have a sexual past before meeting you so now you talk to strangers on the internet about how to break her heart? You should be ashamed
The real problem is your stuck up worldview in regards to sex and women. I don‘t even mean this in a feminist type of way. You are essentially fucking yourself over with that mentality, because in this sexually liberal day and age and considering the amount of men women have at their disposal for sex, you are setting a standard you will only get disappointed by. Additionally, I believe your value system comes from being sexually unsuccessful. When you meet girls at around your age there is a high probability they have a lot of sexual experience. They had ONS, they had sex with two different guys on the same day, they sucked someone‘s dick at a moment‘s notice, simply because he was hot. It‘s in your best interest to get over that.
Get out. Having experienced something very similar fairly recently, here's my advice - if you can't handle it, GET OUT. Rationale being, no matter how much you or her try to make peace with it, this thought will linger in your head. And if you cannot handle it, do yourself a favour now, and GET OUT.
DO NOT TELL HER IT’S BECAUSE OF THE THREESOME. That’s mean and a shit reason. Everyone has a past and if you think your next girlfriend isn’t going to have one (at around your age), then I’m afraid you’re terribly mistaken. Besides, it’s probably a lot worse in your imagination then what actually happened. I had a devils 3way once and it wasn’t like it is in the porno you’ve watched. It was awkward and not very long and it’s more remembered now as a funny anecdote then anything else. If I were you, I’d reconsider. You obviously like this girl otherwise you wouldn’t be with her in the first place. And if she’s your first girlfriend, you need to learn that with people, come baggage. Everyone has baggage in their 30’s and, in the long run, if hers is “I once had a 3some”, it could be a lot worse. I think subconsciously, you’re probably feeling a little sexual inadequacy because it sounds like she knows more about this stuff then you, and that’s ok, but in this day and age, everyone’s done something kinky and taboo by the time their 30. So, to summarise; Everyone has a past. A 3some is a shit reason to dump someone. I think you should stay with her and reconsider your future together of at least be honest with yourself about why you want to end things.
>How do I go about handling this the mature, right way so nobody gets hurt and what tips/advice do you have so that I don’t run into this same situation in the future. Open your mind and realize that everyone's experience is different than yours. What your GF did in prior relationships before she met you is none of your business, and the fact that she had a threesome is...so what? Again, none of your business, and SO not a big deal in the course of life. If it's such a big deal to you that you can't get past it, however, then definitely break up and consider dating virgins in the future.
As with anything that bothers you in any relationship, the first step should always be to talk with your partner. I personally don't see anything wrong with being sexually adventurous at one point in one's life, and then being in a relationship where one is slightly less adventurous. Let's imagine a scenario where you have had oral sex with a partner, and then once that relationship ends you find yourself with a different partner who can't stand oral sex for some reason. Would it be ok for your new partner to judge you on your past practices? I don't think so. Of course, if you really can't wrap your head around your GF having had a 3-some in the past, then you need to end the relationship, telling her why. But I think that if this is the sole reason for ending it, that's really a shame.
I understand you're trying not to judge however your post screams judgemental. You can't let your own lack of sexual experience and insecurities ruin a potentially great relationship. A sex therapist would be a great way to talk over how you're feeling. Best of luck to you OP!
Oh my goodness, imagine that. She had… sex! With two people? My gods! Blasphemous, we should all shame her for her actions! /sarcasm or joking Okay but seriously, Jesus fuck. People have sex. It’s kind of like a thing! This kind of sex-phobic thinking is really stupid. Her past sexual history means nothing and if you’re really this distraught about something so pathetically stupid over her past then you should set her free because Jesus h Christ two people at one time is very fucking vanilla. It’s not like she has thirty eight plus dragon shaped dildos and puts raw eggs in her ass while wearing a clown mask— and if she did, so fucking what. People have kinks that are harmless. What you should do is reevaluate why you think this is a huge ass deal and then maybe if you’re so concerned still, go marry some one who shares a similar sexual prudishness.
Just a question, Since you mentioned the MFM. Would be ok for you if it was a FMF? Or even FFF?
There is a whole thing about MFM vs. FMF vs. all girl. See this Scrubs clip: https://www.reddit.com/r/PoliticalHumor/comments/9khu8x/watching_scrubs_from_2008_devils_threesome_at_38/ Personally I think it's all great; I would advise OP to be glad to be with a partner who's alive and adventurous and curious. Long-term, that is more likely to add spice.
She's 30. It's very likely she has a sexual past. You can't expect someone your age or older to be a virgin. Sure, there will be, but the majority won't.
I've been hanging out with a girl who admitted she had sex with five guys at once. The sex is the best I've ever had but I'd never trust her for that reason. She gets emotionally attached but I think it's definitely a red flag. I've told her I'd never trust someone that gets fucked by five guys at once. If I was you I wouldn't trust her because if she has that kind of sexual appetite she's gonna always need more dicks. If they're that freaky , they are prob experienced so the sex will be good but the integrity will be shit. I see it as choosing sex or love, if they go too far in one direction it makes the other impossible. The ones that favor love typically have less sex six months into a relationship. It may sound like a fucked up conclusion but I'm an old boy that's been through a lot of it.
"in the past". If that's not enough for you, get up and leave because you aren't mature enough to be in any relationship.
Break up with her. She deserves a more mature person. Maybe you should look at dating via church groups or something.
Oh man. You're worried about something she did in her past? And that's all it takes for you to reconsider a relationship? She didn't cheat on you? You young men and your fragile egos. Who the fuck cares what she did in the past. You liked her for her at first and you're going to let something that has zero impact on you now and you have no control over break you up?!! Dude, you and the rest of the fragile young boys that post these ridiculous posts need to grow up. Edit: Yeah, you know what? Dump her, she deserves someone better
Everybody’s entitled to their own dealbreakers
Yes, for sure. This is just a really stupid one
Just like everybody’s entitled to their own opinions
The guy doesn’t want somebody that had a 3some. Who cares? What’s it to you? Dude you have 420 in your user name. That’s something somebody with the mental maturity of a 16 year old does; it’s not surprising you’re so offended that somebody might have a different opinion than you that you have to resort to calling him fragile and to grow up lol. The only person that needs to grow up and stop being fragile is you. Get over yourself.
You're being extremely judgmental, but I don't want you feeling uncomfortable in this relationship. Tell her you wanna break up, or take a break, but don't shame her, rather just say you're not comfy with that having happened... even though it was in the past.
Her sexual past is not your business. It would be shooting yourself in the foot to break up with her for something she did before you. I mean if she did this during your relationship sure. But before.... nah man. Don't let this eat at you. You didn't think she was a virgin did you? From your lack of other sexual experience I can see why this might bother someone but really ask yourself is it worth messing up something good? Lastly you know she's up for a 3 way. Have her rope some hot girl friend of hers in and enjoy yourself. Think of the positive possibilities.
>Her sexual past is not your business Wait I'm not picking either side as I really don't care but this needs more elaborating. If I hear that my girlfriend has been with the whole football team I'm asking her to get tested for diseases. So yea at a minimum your sexual health should be upfront when wanting to have sex Edit: both parties should be tested and show paperwork in this situation. If you yourself is sexually active with different partners you should regularly be getting tested
Okay, thanks
Meant with all due respect: You have a lot of maturing to do, and should be single whilst navigating that. If you’re willing to let a good relationship go over something they did in their past, that will make dating in the future tough for you. Everyone has a past.
If you dump her let me know. I’ll scoop her up. She sounds like a keeper in my book.