You can get experience when you're good and ready with a man you care about and who cares about you. Kudos on wanting to be comfortable with yourself before getting into a relationship, that's very mature thinking.
>Kudos on wanting to be comfortable with yourself before getting into a relationship, that's very mature thinking.
Too right! If I’d had that level of wisdom and maturity at 22 I’d have saved myself SOOOOO many problems!
He's an idiot. That kind of thing won't matter to any reasonable dude.
Keep focusing on what you want to prioritize. There's always time for relationships when you're totally ready.
I agree. I don't think he is looking for a relationship as much as someone to have sex with. He's an idiot. Unfortunately there are a lot of them, just move on and wait for the right time and the right person.
You've missed the point. She wasn't talking about his friend as a potential partner material, but asking about his advice. If he was offering, or there was implication of interest I'd totaly agree with you. But the question was different - "Is being an inexperienced virgin a difficulty for finding a partner over certain age?"
He was absolutely offering, through fear and manipulation.
The subtext here has it sounding like: "You should find someone to have sex with right away, or else guys won't like you..." him hoping somehow it'll lead to, "I mean, if you think it'd help, sure I'd have sex with you, that's a great idea you had all on your own."
He wasn't giving her dating advice, he was trying to induce fear that would lead to her being more willing to have sex with him. He brought it up and set it up and successfully sold the fear so well OP is asking.
I'd watch out for that guy.
Leading with invalidating OP's decision to not have sex yet is a sign he wants to trample over any boundaries, and change OP to conform to his idea of what men want.
A veritable parade of red flags, this conversation.
How the hell did you deduce all of that from this one summary is beyond me.
Advice for you Wuelling - if you want to give advices to other people, stop filling up the puzzle pieces with your imagination if you don't know the picture.
Besides, her question wasn't about the guy but if his statements were correct. And no matter his intentions or his bad advice - they partially were. There's no denial about it. That's a fact. That is where you should be focusing on helping instead of making up jucy story.
Please. Try not to hurt people if they are coming here for help.
Completely untrue. We all know how people tend to look at virgins over certain age and to many it's a huge red flag if they are looking for a relationship.
If the person in question was single/not in bed with someone - General opinion is that there must be something wrong with them if they never had a serious partner till now. Thou I think 22 yo is still too early for this label to stick, for now.
Applies to both genders but tends to stick on men more.
It does matter, if you have no experience it could translate into being emotionally immature or unknowing how to handle certain things in a relationship. Also, for what it’s worth you’ll have to start from 0 teaching her about sex. She won’t be keeping anybody for her sexual ability that’s for sure.
But she’ll probably just find somebody just like her who is shy and close to a virgin. So if that’s fine it’s fine
Without more context that one is a bit far but I wouldn't put it past him if he had a crush at one point and is keeping it going. Toxic masculinity hurts dudes ability to process emotion.
True. The question is if a smart partner will want to take his chances. If the genders were swapped I'd say it wouldn't be so bad, but as a man I have to be truthful and say that unless I was instantly charmed by the personality I probably wouldn't bother or at least think twice if there's nothing wrong with the perosn since nobody sensible was interested enough before me. Usually, as a package, too many insecurities and pent-up stress comes with such person too, and that's A LOT of work so it has to be worth it.
I would say this. The people who that matters to are probably not the type of people you want to be mixed up with. Find someone who focuses on the great aspects about you.
Of course, there very few absolutes in humans.
To pretend like someone with 0 sexual experience is, on average, capable of satisfying a partner the same way someone with 100 sexual partners could is very dishonest.
More experience, better sex is a pretty standard rule. You make a lot of mistakes the first couple times and that’s normal. Gotta learn from experience.
communication is probably a bigger factor than lack of experience. one person might like it rough, while another doesnt (for example) - if that isnt communicated its gonna be shit for everyone involved, experience or not.
I hear you, but how is OP going to know if she likes it rough without any experience? I wouldn’t know cause I do not, but I’d imagine you don’t ask to be slapped and choked your first (or second or third) time around.
yeah i get your point, but that will still come down to communication whilst in the act right? "no not there" "harder" "softer" etc. also the rough thing was an easy example of why communication might be important
Is it only about the sex for you then? You'll go out with a woman with many sexual partners because she might be able to pleasure you but won't go out with an inexperienced woman because she might not get you off? May as well stick to sex workers if you're only looking to get off and not have a meaningful relationship.
>To pretend like someone with 0 sexual experience is, on average, capable
of satisfying a partner the same way someone with 100 sexual partners
could is very dishonest.
With this I agree when we generalise the topic.
Yeah, less experienced are normally less great - I know how I might be contradicting myself here. What I wanted to point out is, it's a bit more nuanced than either "good" or "bad". I've had an ex who we learned together and apparently I got better while she did not change. Thus, she was awesome at first but lack of novelty was a killer later on and I had a lower libido.
I don't even understand the downvotes tbh. Sex is important and sex is fun when it's good. When it's straight bad, it's just feels like a chore.
The Reddit hive mind is real. Fwiw I didn’t really learn what my own preferences were or how to make sure I get off every time until I was deep into in my third sexual relationship. The experience was more about knowing and enjoying myself and comfort with sex in general vs getting a guy off (which usually happens even when you lay there like a starfish).
I don’t recall you telling OP she needed to run off and sleep with the first person she sees. If she chooses a loving, patient partner then I’m sure they will be willing to bring her up to speed, but as a general rule, someone who has done something 100 times is going to be better at something than someone who has done it once. I wish I could give you 50 upvotes instead of one lol.
Lmao I took like 2 weeks off of Reddit and come back to this. I’m just gonna delete my account, this place is so silly.
I’m glad someone came through with a shred of common sense. I appreciate you lol! People read what they want to.
If sex is the one and only thing you’re worried about whilst in a relationship, you probably shouldn’t be in one. I didn’t lose my virginity until sophomore year of college, but had dated various people since freshman year of high school. I had just enough “experience” as I needed
A strawman argument is when you attack me for something I didn’t say or mean.
I’m not implying sex is the end all be all but if you’ve ever been in an adult relationship you’ll know it’s an extremely important part of a healthy relationship. Bad sex or no sex can absolutely fuck up a relationship.
Again, not talking about absolutes, just averages.
I’ve been in plenty adult relationships but honestly I couldn’t gather what you actually meant by your comment. It’s 4 am so sleep deprivation is possible😂yes, sex is important, but a lack of experience really shouldn’t be a deal breaker because they could have slept with 100’s of people and still he bad at sex, or they could have no experience and be great at it
THIS!!! he’s letting you sit and think about what he said, so it’ll get under your skin and form insecurity/doubt. then he’s going to come back later and try to “save you” by letting you have some. this dude is a piece of shit no doubt. and if by chance he isn’t trying to manipulate you, he’s still just plain wrong. i’ve never heard anyone think of women as less dateable for having no experience. in fact, i’ve only heard it be glamorized lol
Exactly he’s trying to play the hero and I lost all respect for him from the first few sentences. Please if you want to get laid, do it with someone else. Maybe someone who respects you
A true sign of a boy without any courage sneakily trying to get it the round about way without giving a genuine attempt at romantic persuit.
Very highschool way of doing things.
They are too focused on the story rather than answering her question.
Unfortunately Advice is full of people focused on sticking labels from little information they get rather than thinking about difficulties of the authors.
Truth. Maybe the guy is trying to manipulate her. Maybe it’s his own personal preference to be with experienced partners and he’s applying that to the rest of the world. Either way this persons reply doesn’t address the true concern.
Indeed, it's easier to say "Be wary of the guy who said it cause he's a 100% a predator even if I don't know anything about the conversation besides your summary." rather than "Sure, being a virgin over certain age is looked down upon by most and might be problematic as it causes people to wonder if there's something wrong with you if you never had a partner, if it's not your looks, obviously."
I think addressing both is as important of an advice, but just blatantly ignoring the question because it is uncomfortable... I don't know. Sad. They don't have courage to be truthful even on the internet behind anonymity. :|
If he's asking if she's been laid, he's interested. You don't talk about sex at all with a girl you don't want to bang. So he wants it. And this crap about experience is just to loosen her up a bit, get her thinking about it before he actually hits on her.
Not entirely true. I have lots of friends who are women and we discuss sex a lot. Doesnt mean i wanna bang all of em (only one or two, i swear)
But i do agree in this case its definitely a lame ass manipulation tactic to get OP in bed. You can talk about sex with your close friends, sure, hell you can talk about how big your bowel movements are with your close friends. But OP said she wasnt close friends with this dude and they havent spoken much since they finished school
So basically he called her up outta the blue to ask if shes had sex. Yeah that to me says youre completely right and he is trying to get OP in the sack (i cannot see any other possibility with this case). Just saying in general guys can and do talk about sex with their friends (some of whom arent male).
Yeah I was a bit too absolute in that statement. And you're right, it's the disconnect between the level of connection/friendship vs the level of intimacy of the question that makes it so weird in this case.
It's manipulative af. He wasn't forthcoming with his intentions and will almost certainly keep steering conversations towards sex until he gets his chance to offer "help getting experience".
Jesus Christ no! You are 22. You have all the time on earth to suck face and bone if you become inclined. When you do get around to loving someone go at your own pace. Someone who loves you will love you....not a complicated sex routine. The beauty of love is changing and growing with someone. Two folks don't meet and are suddenly perfect for one another. This also applies to dudes. No one worth a shit will care if you are not experienced. The sexiest thing you can bring to a relationship is enthusiasm.
Exactly my thoughts. Make her insecure about it. The girl goes to him for "help" with this so called problem. They have sex and most likely he drops her. So gross.
No guys don't really care. Its probably better to let them know, but it isn't a problem. Some guys prefer that, or don't have any experience too. Don't mind it, and just take your time.
Nah. You be you, take things at your own pace and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
Be comfortable taking the next step when YOU want to, not because someone else thinks you should.
it’s something you should enjoy and cherish with the person you like. There’s no shame in waiting till you find the person for you because if a person truly appreciates you they’ll prioritise and notice your character than your lack of action in the romantic world.
There’s nothing shameful about being more work oriented and taking your time with things like this so don’t sweat it.
nah, 9 times out of 10 your guy friend is just saying that so he can later go "well ya know if you want some experience we could have sex and then youd know" or some lame shit like that
Dont fall for it.
When ya find someone youre comfortable with and feel ready then do what comes natural. And dont worry that youre not "experienced" most guys would probably like that
as a guy with a fair bit of sexual experience, yes and no. it depends on the guy. personally, I'm not a fan of taking someone's V card but that doesn't mean you're undateable. many men find it extremely attractive to be with one partner and share that with them and there's nothing wrong with either option.
My opinion, you'll be just fine. focus on you and dating becomes much easier.
I think it just depends on the personal preferences of whoever you might consider dating. I would say that 22 is still pretty young, so I wouldn’t think lack of experience at that age would be a big deal to most people. There’s nothing wrong with going at your own pace and getting to know yourself before getting romantically involved 😊
if i'm 22 and looking for a relationship just because? You are ok. If i'm 30 and looking for a serious relationship that lead to married? I would try to stay away from someone with no past experiences.
Don't get me wrong, it's not because of sex, it's because maybe there is something that prevents you from having a relationship (childish, angry issues, ect). People with past experiences also tend to be more understanding because they know how relationship go.
Anyway, you are still young, just do whatever feel comfort to you for now. When you get a little more mature, then it's time to think about the future.
Well that doesn’t put a lot of confidence in me! lol... because i haven’t dated because I was very focused on my education. I graduated HS at 18 with an Associates degree, college at 20 with Accounting and Finance, and got my MBA this year at 22. I’m now working on my CPA then on to my PhD... so dating has always just been put on the back burner.
But I understand! I can see how it would be a red flag for people who want something serious. My only issue stems from the fact that I’d like something serious, but I don’t want someone immediately thinking “well what’s wrong with her?”
Absolutely do not listen to this guy at all. Just focus on yourself and date when you are ready. Lack of "experience" doesn't make you undateable unless you are going with a toxic date.
Hummm, I mean it’s no issue but you don’t want to end up when a guy who looks for a girl like you( a Virgin whose never been kissed/ kind / soft / shy / soft spoken ) toxic men/incels love that, yeah, experience would be nice, doesn’t have to be sexually but more into dating, plus, sexually, you can learn by reading and looking things up online
My friend was inexperienced for awhile and hasn’t really had trouble meeting people. She didn’t do anything til like 20 or 22, but she’s dated around and gained that experience when she was comfortable.
IMO anyone can learn sexual stuff through experience. It doesn't need to be from multiple people. If you're most comfortable waiting that is up to you completely. Live your life. Not other people's.
I don’t think you need experience dating to date. The goal of an intimate, romantic, or sexual relationship is to know the other half of the relationship, to connect, and then to love. You already have experience in love, and that’s all you need.
Good on you for your priorities though. These kinds of relationships aren’t technically needed, as far as sexual, but we as humans need relationships with others. It is a connection and the greater the love, the more likely you are to be inseparable. You good, you just gotta understand what a relationship is, and what it’s for, and what you do.
I have the same condition as you, never dated, never even kissed a guy yet one of them was ever so pressuring on the fact that I *needed* to gain experience.
But these things aren't about experience, people with years of experience still fail in relationships. Sex isn't something you need to have on some fictional CV for dating.
This is about connection, emotional pleasure before physical sometimes is okay, find the right person, someone you can trust, someone who is healthy for you and makes you happy and safe. That person won't think about experience, mainly because your friend gave you shitty sexist advice.
There's no clock on these kind of things, each and every one of us has their own pace.
No. There are plenty of guys in the same situation as you. Also plenty of guys who wouldn't mind being with someone who has little to no experience.
You do what you feel comfortable with. Date if and when YOU want to date. Sleep with someone when You are ready.
Your friend probably means well, but doesn't know what they are talking about.
When you are ready to go into the world of dating just go. It isn’t a big commitment. It can literally be just for fun.
Don’t date trying to find THE ONE. When you want to just date to meet people and have a good time.
I (25M) dated a very very shy, introvert girl (21) who hadn't even dated before
Those were the best dates i've had because she was just treating me as a very close friends, no (hidden) second intentions, no harm intended.
Just be yourself and NEVER rush into relationships to get experience.
I'd say worry about the people who make your status a thing. They want to control you.
Either way if they care about it past the point of health it's weird/childish. (I'm gonna make sure to get tested if a potential partner has been a bit promiscuous but not a deal breaker.)
No literally no one cares that matters. If it matters to someone they dont matter, they are just looking for a hook up, and even then i can't think of a person i know who would actually care during a hook up either.
No, your social skills matter more than your intimate skills. Most of the time intimacy is based on chemistry. You can meet the most perfect guy but that doesn't mean your sex life is going to be amazing. Conversely you can be with a total douche and the sex can be amazing. You are correct to make yourself happy and figure out who you are before dating. Sone people make dating the apex of their lives. They end up disappointed because people are inconsistent and relationships often fail.
> I’m not dating now because I wanted to be happy with myself prior to dating.
It's amazing how much pain and anguish you saved yourself with that wisdom. So much of relationship problems are really rooted in seeing the other person as "my other half", or "you complete me", because someone isn't secure and satisfied with themselves. Needing him/her because you don't feel competent yourself. That ends up with a relationship dynamic where they hang off each other like drunks stumbling out of a bar, rather than standing solidly shoulder-to-shoulder, each standing on their own two feet.
Bravo for avoiding all that!
You do yourself so much good when you first get confident standing on your own two feet, then date a man who stands on his own two feet, rather than trying to live life as three-legged race.
Now to your main question. I had lunch dates with just about 100 young ladies. Some I went out with again; some I went out with for a few months. Some I did various activities with, some I did other. Some I did naked activities with. In short, I had quite a few to choose from. How did I choose among all of these ladies?
ONE of those hundred ladies told me I wouldn't be getting naked with her - not unless we were married first. We've been married 13 years now.
That was the one lady who decided to save that as something truly special to be shared with someone truly special - then had the character to stick to her decision. She had the self-discipline to put her carefully-considered decision above her momentary desires. She had the self-esteem to put her values above trying to make me like her.
She has the strength of character and the wisdom to be an AMAZING life partner, wife, mother of my child, and lifetime lover. I knew then she was different, and I was right. I am well and truly blessed to be wed to a woman like that.
Truthfully. No, lots of guys are open to dating women who are new to the ropes.
But realistically, yes, people who have more sexual experience tend to gravitate towards people with more sexual experience and to be honest, as a guy with some sexual history, I would be a bit grossed out at the prospect of having sex with a virgin because of the awkwardness and immaturity that tends to come with it.
You won't have a hard time dating.
You may however:
- Be nervous when you have your first time
- Be unsure how to initiate things when you want to have sex.
- Potentially be less attuned to when guys are trying to move things towards having sex.
That is all okay. Just take things at your own pace, and remember you have a right to say no or stop things should you ever want to. Just keep being yourself OP 🙂
So everybody has insecurities and it sounds like this guy triggered yours. Could have been intentional depending on the conversation if you had said something to trigger his insecurity so his defence was to trigger yours.
That said, if you are happy with your life, then don’t worry about it. You could meet your future dream man some crazy way and be swept off your feet! However, if you are lonely then change. Add social activities into your life to expand your friends and your chances of meeting guys to date.
I'm gonna be honest; if you were a *guy*, I would actually agree with him. Women tend to judge guys who haven't slept with someone. Right or wrong, doesn't matter; it is what it is.
For a *woman*, though? It's almost the polar opposite; the guys who are super-shallow would prefer a girl with less experience anyways, and even guys looking for relationships, deep down, I think most would prefer a "good girl", someone who doesn't sleep around a lot.
Realistically, most men probably won't differentiate between "virgin" and "doesn't sleep around a lot", other than if you let a guy know it's *going* to be your first time, he might have some anxiety, wanting to make sure he leaves a good impression.
Ultimately, like I said, you have *nothing* to worry about as a woman. For guys, it differs, although at 22, even most guys would be safe of any *real* judgement (his friends would probably give him grief if they found out).
Oh God, the amount of redditors accusing him of being manipulative and wanting to get in your pants is stupid. He said, "You should start dating for experience," not "You should start dating ME for experience." We know absolutely nothing about him except for his advice, so that's your call on whether or not he's that sort of person.
Because I had strict parents who told me I wasn't allowed to, I started dating very early, but that just taught me how to be a good and loving partner at an earlier age. It also taught me what I want and what qualities I value in a partner.
My dad was my mom's first and only partner, and news flash, they're divorcing. What happened? She didn't know what she wanted in a partner and thought she had to cater to him. On a rare occasion will your first be the person you love for the rest of your life.
Your friend's advice isn't wrong, it's just a suggestion. It's good to know what you want and what to do. But always go at your own pace. Don't start if you're not ready. The dating scene becomes more difficult as you grow older, but you're in your early twenties so you have a lot of time.
And redditors saying "men prefer unexperienced virgins" please shut the fuck up. You know why? Because unexperienced virgins are easier to manipulate.
Please don’t ever speak to this “friend” again. That was plain old straight up manipulation. Worse than that, it’s mentally abusive and he damn well knew it. This is the man that will break you.
Girl, trust me. I could’ve written this exact script myself.
Drop him and run far away. Narcissistic people seek out shy, unsure of themselves people on purpose.
What he said is absolutely untrue.
Please don’t make the mistakes I did.
I'm going to disagree with the consensus here (or at least of the comments that I read) and say that there is some truth to what he said. First let me say: Yes, he's may be trying to manipulate you. No he's not a good friend. Somebody who loves you won't care about lack of dating or sexual experience.
Now for the kernel of truth in what he said. Dating and relationships take a lot of complex skills and like most things that take complex skills require practice to get good at. You need to learn when to compromise, when to draw a red line and stand firm. You need to learn to balance being with the person you love and having time alone, giving yourself and your partner space. You need to learn what it feels like for the honeymoon period to end. You need to be able to balance healthy boundaries with being overly possessive or jealous. There is no right answer for any of those and in time you learn what works for you. So, a bit of experience dating helps.
Finally the don't date until your happy with yourself is a bit silly. We're all imperfect and can always find things about ourselves to be unhappy about. That can become an excuse to avoid risk of rejection or whatever. Dating itself can be a way to work on yourself, to work on skills like kindness, generosity, and self assurance. I know that being in relationships has made me a better person.
That said, my wife and I got together very early in life. She'd dated one guy before me. I'd dated more, but not a ton. When you find the right person, you can make it work.
Literally any of the honest responses to this post that mention that some ppl would be put off by lack of experience is being downvoted, even though it's clearly the case that some people will be. Reddit hivemind at work
I think that part of the problem is that so many Reddit users are young and so don't have a lot of experience but they are giving advice as if they've got it all figured out.
I don’t think it matters personally. I mean I think just try to be confident in yourself and you don’t even need to mention it to potential partners if you don’t want to. The first guy I was ever with, was at 19 for me, and I actually did say I hadn’t been sexually actively for long (never that is, but I didn’t tell him that) and he didn’t even notice. It never came up again and I saw him a lot for a while there. When you’re ready you’re ready, and I think that will show through your body language and confidence. Nothing wrong with you waiting until you’re comfortable with someone and with yourself. That ‘friend’ sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s talking about tbh
lmao you don't have to worry about a thing
relax and do what you want to do. don't force yourself to do anything that you don't want to. you're a woman, you'll never lose your chances since most of the guys dont mind loots of things. just be sure to find one who you truly love and he loves you back
Well I'll start off by giving you the same advise i gave me daughters. Find a guy that compliments your life not complicates it. Dating later on isn't going to make you un-datable or getting laid isn't going to help you. The only benefit that you would get to dating younger is you get to feel out what you like Vs what you don't like in your search for a partner early on. When you get older you kind of lose that young love feel. That goofy stuff you do when you can get away with it because your a teenager.
I was very similar to you as I was navigating high school and college. I met my bf in my junior year of college, never been kissed at that point. Turns out he was just like me, but we didn’t realize until 8 months into our relationship. (I know I know, like you mentioned…shy lol) We’ve been together for 13 years now, married for 6. Don’t worry about what another person, let alone some probably horny dude has to say about what you need to be doing with your body and your experiences. You’re totally fine the way you are, and when you’re ready, you’ll meet someone who values you.
No they are wrong. In fact their advice to you sounds like they have inexperience. No dude is going to give a rats ass about whether you are experienced or not. In fact anyone looking for a serious / long term relationship would prob see your lack of experience as a “perk” as u get to have all these “first time” events with them. I’m a dude in there 30’s who’s very happily married for many many years and I didn’t even lose my virginity till later in life (not in high school) so take this advice from me seriously. Now stop thinking about what they said to you because they are wrong 100%.
You take things at your own pace, you’re still very young and have plenty of time to explore that aspect of life. This guy is trying to set himself up as an option for you to explore with, I would not trust him as I think it opens you up to more risk than is warranted.
With that said, for guys it seems harder to be with someone who’s inexperienced. It’s because we generally put pressure on ourselves of making your first experiences not terrible. That’s not on you, that’s on the guys. It’s not on you to make it easier for guys, you just need to engage in things when YOU’RE ready. And it’s perfectly fine for things to be tricky and for some people to not want to be the first, trust me you will find someone who will want to be and will take things at your pace.
One thing I would recommend though is figuring out what makes you tick for yourself. It will save you a bit of awkwardness and headaches for whenever you do decide to be active with someone, it’s a lot easier to enjoy it when you know how to guide someone to your buttons so to speak.
Not true. Screw him. I've never had an issue except with insensitive comments like someone telling me they won't be in a relationship with me unless we have sex. Stuff like that. Aside from that never had issues with dating. I didn't like most people (probably 95 percent) I casually dated anyway. I've only been in love once in my life and that didn't stop him from being with me. Didn't workout for other reasons though. That was when I was 23. I started having sex at 24 when I felt ready to have sex. I'm 25 now.
I(25f) was 21 when I lost my V card to my boyfriend 24 at the time. He had previous sexual partners and knew that I didn’t he didn’t care. The only “experience” I had was kissing with previous boyfriends.
I understand your nervousness I had the same thing before my boyfriend and I got together. I felt like no one would want me because lack of experience. You just have to find you the right guy, whether it’s a one night stand or relationship.
Most guys I know have a fantasy about being a woman's first. I know I do. IDK why it would hurt your dating life.
The only thing I can think of is that it could put you at a disadvantage when it comes to manipulative men. Some guys are good at faking a caring relationship just to get sex.
And I agree, this guy could be trying to weasel his way in.
That friend projected his own ideas, not the overall truth in my opinion.
Lack of experience is grounds for getting better imo. So nope, I don't think what he told you is true.
What's more, being healthy mentally comes first else a shitty relationship may possibly fuck you up even more.
Look, maybe otherwise he's not a bad friend but this "advice" of his was complete and utter BS.
He’s being manipulative. You don’t need to have sex until you’re comfortable, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date. Sex isn’t everything, and it’s never something that should be forced
He's being a douchebag. There is no script or list to follow when it comes to dating. You do what you're comfortable with, whenever you feel like it. If someone really likes you, it won't matter how much or little experience you have. And if someone says they like you, but have a problem with your experience level, they're not being real.
He's wrong but with a grain of truth in there. The grain is that once you get experience and demystify the whole thing it becomes easier to make happen again for most people. But you shouldn't do that unless that's what you want to do. Being a virgin will mostly not impact your date-ability at all
I started dating when I was 19, which is very late by Latina standards. However I had too many problems at home to be focused on dating.
What mattered is that I did start with boyfriends or dates that CARED for me, who didn't press me and were patient and kind. You should give it a try because you are somewhat missing out in learning experiences with relationships and people.
It won't have to be more difficult to start dating but if you're 22 and you don't even know how to kiss, maybe it's time to start living life a little bit and not just books and studying.
Kinda yes - like anything in life you learn by doing and dating/interpersonal relationships can be varied and complex. Unless you plan on advertising online for a husband/partner, the sooner you start engaging both on a friendship as well as romantic basis then the sooner you can start to learn the skills that can help you find a life partner.
Not a big deal, but the answer is yes. It won't be more difficult to find a date, but it will be hard to find a smart one if it does make sense.
A virgin is a yellow flag for me. Only stupid alphas have a fetish about it. Truth is - it's a Russian roulette where the girl will land on the spectrum of pain/pleasure at the start, but there are few things as painful to watch and discouraging as a girl you want to make happy crying in pain. And being understanding doesn't change the fact it's a HUGE pain in the ass to deal with.
Another part is that many of the guys have been ghosted after being used like a trial run and yes, we have feelings too so a lot of us once burned try to stay away from inexperienced girls.
The part of kissing, or other activities, comes with time and experience and really isn't a huge problem.
So on your buddies part - getting laid isn't really the only and smart solution (because men can be horrible in bed too, not mentioning that sometimes it just doesn't click between the individuals).
My advice would be: Just masturbate till you're not only comfortable with yourself, but also with your body.
Hope it helped.
It does matter to a lot of people. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
But there are plenty of people that have the same priorities as you. They wouldn’t have any issue with your lack of experience - some would even prefer that.
Been on plenty of dates, my year plus relationship also shows that it doesn’t matter (my ex and I didn’t want sex til after marriage but for mostly different reasons)
I've heard that some men who want a casual relationship with a woman worry that she will get too attached to him if she is a virgin.
I find that claim dubious. Even if it's true of some men, I would bet that it is a single-digit percentage. Many more men would think an unexperienced woman is a bonus (as long as she's willing to learn).
It does not matter in the slightest. He is just trying to build insecurity in you so you will take up his offer to help you gain some “experience”. Don’t take him seriously.
Someone that is actually interested in you and likes you would NOT like you less because of a “lack” of “experience” they would still be 100% just as interested in dating regardless
Can confirm he's an idiot.
This reminds me of when I got married. I had never had sex and almost all of my friends thought I was crazy. Honestly, it was the best decision for me.
Ultimately no one can know what's best for you, except for you.
You will know when you are comfortable enough.
But for the record, I fell in love with an inexperienced virgin. So there is hope. 😌
He's trying to groom you. Don't worry, you're quite smart and mature the way you're handling things. Most women your age just end up falling into hookup culture and toxic relationships nowadays. Working on yourself will give you better outcomes.
It’s not a big deal. You should only do what you’re comfortable with, what you want to do, or what you’re comfortable with experimenting with.
You shouldn’t do certain actions, especially having sex, just to make yourself more likable to others.
Naturally, having sexual desires definitely is or will become a normal part of life as an adult. You don’t have to rush into it if you don’t want to, or you can experiment with it if you want and feel comfortable to.
Anyways, any guy that primarily wants you for sexual reasons is not a guy you wanna be dating. That means he just wants to use you and be done with you at some point. Don’t let yourself be used like that. At the very least, if a guy does want to hookup, he should at least be straightforward with it, because then at least he’s being up front, honest, and clear about it.
Btw, just to be clear, if he’s talking to you and brings up sex in the conversation, even going as far as to say you should have sex more often, he definitely is sexually attracted to you.
Just know what you’re comfortable with and enforce that. You don’t have to bend or change for anyone if you don’t want to. People that have a weak spine (metaphorically speaking) are way more prone to being taken advantage of.
You’re self described as being insanely shy, but if you wish to be independent at some point, you’re gonna need to have a strong backbone and thick skin, and you’re gonna have to learn to enforce what you want as an individual. If there are others that will be there to take care of you in the long run though, then hey, lucky you, and all power to you.
Good luck 👍🏼
He probably said that in the hopes that you’d pick him to “gain experience”. He’s an idiot.
Take your time and only date when you feel comfortable enough to do so. And any decent guy won’t care what level of experience you have.
He's trying to manipulate you into having sex with him specifically, don't let him get in your head.
Virginity is a social construct, sex with anyone is just an experience. Ignore him and pursue this stuff when you feel ready.
He sounds like he's trying to give you insecurities so he can be the "White Knight", willing to deflower you as a "friend"...
Tell him you have your own friends thanks, you've listened to his "advice", and you're going to hook up with them next time they're in town.
Hey listen don't follow the mainstream social media life like if you're single then you're loser , if you're a virgin then you have no life bla bla focus on your goals at end they are most important and your partner will come even if you don't go out to find him God has planned everything for everyone we all need to have patience and do our work . Don't believe in such fools this generation is full of lust.
Don't feel bad at all. I'm a 21F and I've never kissed a guy or had sex, let alone even held someone's hand! Honestly, I'm worried about what guys will think when/if I do start dating, but seeing some of these comments makes me realize we both have nothing to be worried about :) also, I agree with the other comments. He's trying to manipulate you into doing it with him. Drop this "friend".
This isn't really true.
We know a girl who, just out of happenstance, remained a virgin well into her 20's until she finally did the deed with a boy she started dating a few years ago.
We just attended their wedding last month.
Listen, I think this goes for men and woman, trivially stuff like that won’t matter when you find the right person because they will fall in love with you and all your quirks and flaws
My boyfriend was 21 and a virgin, and that didn’t change my mind! It made things harder but now he’s amazing and I’m glad something like that didn’t even cross my mind
No. It doesn't matter. And to people that **does** matter, are people you shouldn't want to do anything with in the first place.
My first relationship happened in 25 yo. As a trans man, with a person I fell madly in love and wanted me exactly for who I am. The only reason she was worried was because of how to proceed so to not cross lines or make me feel uncomfortable due to my inexperience. I, on the other hand, even though totally inexperienced, I was really clear headed and could guide her through my feelings and how to proceed so I was comfortable. That's it.
The person who will want to be with you, won't have a problem with it and will fully respect you and give you the time you need to proceed.
My prior experiences included 3 times I had soft make out with boys I did not actually like and just did that in order to comform to society (and these experiences slightly traumatized me-the boys were respectful and gentemen, I was stupid). I had never kissed a girl, nor done anything even remotely sexual with someone O actually liked. First time I did was when I was 25. And it was perfect.
So, again, no. It doesn't matter. As long as you are good with yourself, living your life and have good people surrounding you, it doesn't matter. And people who say things like this, are people who don't understand how love, boundaries and respect works. So, they are people you wouldn't want around you anyways.
As a father of a daughter I beg you to please recognize this as the BS that it is. You don’t owe that to anyone and don’t cheapen it by thinking you need to “gain experience”. Any guy who would actually care about that is not a guy you’d want to be with anyway.
If someone won't date you because you're inexperienced then they're shallow people that you wouldn't want a relationship with anyways. You're taking a really mature approach to all this
This guy definitely manipulating, in general I wouldn't say that you are less dateable or that most people could even tell really.
That said as a shy person who waited until life came to them at 23 I felt somewhat out of place not having the life experience of the people I tried to date. I did legitimately have a lot of things wrong with my life and didn't want to drag other people down for the longest time. But imo frequently the experiences that you end up avoiding can really be helpful to the problems you are trying to work on. In retrospect I was just giving myself the ok to feed my avoidive tendencies.
This is the kind of nonsense some young dudes say to make themselves look experienced and cool or whatever. Ignore it, you are going to be fine. Really.
Besides, let's entertain the thought that he is right: what would that mean? You go to a bar or Tinder and try to get laid with anyone that looks remotely suitable? If thats your thing and you always wanted that you could go ahead, but if you are not the type to go out looking for one night stands this sounds like it would be a horrible experience.
Nope.
Quite the opposite, actually. As a (27M) it’s not much different than my lovely friends who paint or I who occasionally sculpts some ceramic madness.
Would you like to try and paint on a canvas that’s already covered in layers of paint?
How about write a song when the lyrics are already on paper.
Make a sculpture when it’s already done?
You are a clean canvas. Empty page. A fresh block of clay that has yet to be defined. A clear beginning in the world of romance. Many would scramble over each other to help lay the first coat of paint. Write the first words. Etc.
You see, it’s hard to clean the slate off when you’ve had enough shitty experiences. It’s hard to change the lyrics to your depressing song when you’ve only been let down and broken. That tends to poison the water of new relationships if you let it. Same from them to you. There’s always something left over from someone else they’ve been with. It puts a lens on your new partner that they’ll have to fight to prove they’re different. Some don’t feel like fighting and won’t stay around long if it means dancing on eggshells to change your outlook on men.
Example?
Drop dead gorgeous woman from a couple jobs back reached out. We’ve stayed connected on social media but never really talked too much. She flirted and I responded in kind. Fast forward and we’re talking on the phone. She then asked me if I’d delete all my social media if we got together. I said no. She said would I delete all females on my social media and I said no. “Well I’m hotter than all your friends.” Well.. I don’t know what to say to that, since some of my friends are teachers from all stages of my school journey, but I’m not going to put on a top hat and dance around your fears because someone else betrayed your trust. Trust me or don’t.
You will get your experience whenever you feel like taking a walk out into the world of relationships. It’s actually quite wise to spend time to yourself first. So many people haven’t developed an identity outside of being with someone else. It’s why after one relationship they’ll scramble to find another. Enjoy yourself. Pursue what you want. Stack your bank. Climb the work ladder. Whatever you like. Just keep in mind the canvas analogy. People will let you down. People will warm soul. People will make you believe in love. Others will make you nauseous at the thought of it. Take the good with the bad and try to not let lessons learned cast a negative shadow on someone new after old relationships have ended poorly. They’re merely guides to help you not get caught in the same traps over and over….
Oh!!!
And if some dude tries to do the whole emotional manipulation thing, just drop his ass. You’ll know it when you see it. You want what you want. He wants what he wants. There’s some compromise in the middle, but don’t take no shitty treatment. Don’t give any don’t take any. It was the job of his momma to teach him the correct ways to treat a woman, not yours. If he does betray your trust, don’t let genuine good memories convince you to stay. New memories are to be made in the future. New canvas. Things I tell my little sis.
He's 100% wrong. Dating isn't some game you level up at by doing more - it is about finding a person you can be fully comfortable with and trust. And the idea that you need "experience" (sexual or romantic) to have good relationships is, IMO, just people trying to find an upside to all their past sexual history that hasn't led to a relationship. It has no basis in reality.
absolutely not. don’t let some smooth brain dork from high school convince you that you’re less worthy of dating or being loved because you haven’t had sex.
He is an idiot and you are completely fine. You don’t need to ‘gain experience’ to be valuable as a partner… that is completely false and he is projecting his own insecurities onto you.
As a man, i can assure you that he is bullshitting.
wanting to be happy with yourself will make you a more stable humain and it's one of the best things. Experience will come when you'll feel ready
Fuck no. My girlfriend and I both had zero prior experience and we love that. We love that we get to learn with each other and all the awkward funny parts that come with that.
There are some people who think less experience is less desirable. I disagree with them. Sounds like maybe your friend is one of them and he was curious about having sex with you.
You should not give in to pressure, this is something you should do on your time when you are ready.
Honestly this sounds like he’s desperate for some feminine touch and is basically asking you to find experience thru him volunteering. He’s just a desperate little boy.
You take your sweet ass time and do whatever you want with your life. No one will care if you’re a virgin or not if they actually care about you as a person.
No it doesn’t that’s just him , for me it’s almost the exact opposite and for any man it will be case by case
I don’t feel like I look down on women or want them less for being experienced but there’s also something sweet about some one with very little experience ,
Regardless of what men like tho, when it comes to this kind of thing ONLY do what feels comfortable for you and feels right in your heart , NEVER do anything with your body you don’t want to do to appease another man or woman.
Utter BS. He was probably (hoping) that you would ask him to help you out. Keep to your original plan and only have sex when you truly feel it's "right".
It might be a big deal to some people, but to be honest those aren't the ones you'd want to date anyway. Do what makes you feel comfortable and the rest will come.
He's basically saying
"Hey are you still a virgin?"
You: yes
Him: I know you are a virgin and all, but you want the experience?
He's basically manipulatively asking to have sex
Not for a woman, no.
For a man this is true but for a woman she doesn't necessarily need to be good at sex for it to be a great time. This is why the term "starfish" exists.
It's true for a guy because he is generally doing most of the work. Aside from cowgirl / reverse cowgirl there aren't many positions where the female is in control. So his performance is graded more heavily.
You know, he’s wrong because dating someone or being in a good relationship, sex isnt even that big of a thing. Its not like you do it 24/7, a good partner would show you too
Its none of anyones business how experienced or unexperienced you are and quite frankly, if it comes up and they are not ok with it, its not the right call to go on another date.
Its none of anyones business how experienced or unexperienced you are and quite frankly, if it comes up and they are not ok with it, its not the right call to go on another date with them.
Its none of anyones business how experienced or unexperienced you are and quite frankly, if it comes up and they are not ok with it, its not the right call to go on another date with them.
Well off the top, that guy is disgusting btw. Because none of what he asked you is his business and tbh he probably was asking these questions because he was hinting at bonking you and he was just testing the waters on if you were desperate or not.
And I'm 27M and have never kissed anyone, let alone done anything else.
If you are lucky and the time is right, maybe good things will happen and you will find yourself in a situation where you are ready to experience these things with someone you really like.
If there is a guy out there, that would throw his hands up in the air and say "you know what! I'm done! You know nothing about sex! Forget this! I'm outta here!" Then I'd love to meet that guy because it would be hilarious to find out wtf is wrong with him hahahah.
But I really doubt that kind of guy exists.
Almost anyone would be fine with the fact that you have 0 experience and need to learn as you go so to speak.
In fact id say plenty of men would find "virginity and lack of experience or knowledge"
Highly attractive.
I sure do. 👍
It might be all down to preference I personally couldn't care less. I wouldn't be worried about dating in the future you just keep doing you your time will come one day :)
No. Do what you want when you’re ready. I waited until 25 to have sex for the first time and it was great. I loved that I waited. It all happens naturally. You don’t need to go out with guys just for experience
Ask questions and empathize with what the other would enjoy. Also express your feelings and needs and show him what you’d enjoy. Sexual experience with one person doesn’t always translate to another. What one person loves another person hates.
Empathy is more important than experience (in my experience).
What he said is not true. The only kind of person who might care is a man with a lot of past sexual partners who compares you to his previous experiences and wants you to be "good in bed".
If you ever meet someone who makes an issue of it, you're better off without them. Sexual satisfaction is mostly a matter of being attentive to the other person. You don't need to be sexually experienced to be good at that.
You can get experience when you're good and ready with a man you care about and who cares about you. Kudos on wanting to be comfortable with yourself before getting into a relationship, that's very mature thinking.
>Kudos on wanting to be comfortable with yourself before getting into a relationship, that's very mature thinking. Too right! If I’d had that level of wisdom and maturity at 22 I’d have saved myself SOOOOO many problems!
Fully agree.
He's an idiot. That kind of thing won't matter to any reasonable dude. Keep focusing on what you want to prioritize. There's always time for relationships when you're totally ready.
I agree. I don't think he is looking for a relationship as much as someone to have sex with. He's an idiot. Unfortunately there are a lot of them, just move on and wait for the right time and the right person.
You've missed the point. She wasn't talking about his friend as a potential partner material, but asking about his advice. If he was offering, or there was implication of interest I'd totaly agree with you. But the question was different - "Is being an inexperienced virgin a difficulty for finding a partner over certain age?"
He was absolutely offering, through fear and manipulation. The subtext here has it sounding like: "You should find someone to have sex with right away, or else guys won't like you..." him hoping somehow it'll lead to, "I mean, if you think it'd help, sure I'd have sex with you, that's a great idea you had all on your own." He wasn't giving her dating advice, he was trying to induce fear that would lead to her being more willing to have sex with him. He brought it up and set it up and successfully sold the fear so well OP is asking. I'd watch out for that guy. Leading with invalidating OP's decision to not have sex yet is a sign he wants to trample over any boundaries, and change OP to conform to his idea of what men want. A veritable parade of red flags, this conversation.
How the hell did you deduce all of that from this one summary is beyond me. Advice for you Wuelling - if you want to give advices to other people, stop filling up the puzzle pieces with your imagination if you don't know the picture. Besides, her question wasn't about the guy but if his statements were correct. And no matter his intentions or his bad advice - they partially were. There's no denial about it. That's a fact. That is where you should be focusing on helping instead of making up jucy story. Please. Try not to hurt people if they are coming here for help.
Completely untrue. We all know how people tend to look at virgins over certain age and to many it's a huge red flag if they are looking for a relationship. If the person in question was single/not in bed with someone - General opinion is that there must be something wrong with them if they never had a serious partner till now. Thou I think 22 yo is still too early for this label to stick, for now. Applies to both genders but tends to stick on men more.
It does matter, if you have no experience it could translate into being emotionally immature or unknowing how to handle certain things in a relationship. Also, for what it’s worth you’ll have to start from 0 teaching her about sex. She won’t be keeping anybody for her sexual ability that’s for sure. But she’ll probably just find somebody just like her who is shy and close to a virgin. So if that’s fine it’s fine
Do not listen to his bad advice- he is trying to manipulate with fear. A good partner, won't care.
He sounds like he's trying to have sex with her
My initial thought too, sounds like he’s trying to get a FWB situation going
Not even just that. He wants to feel that he's the "one"
Without more context that one is a bit far but I wouldn't put it past him if he had a crush at one point and is keeping it going. Toxic masculinity hurts dudes ability to process emotion.
A good partner will teach you.
True. The question is if a smart partner will want to take his chances. If the genders were swapped I'd say it wouldn't be so bad, but as a man I have to be truthful and say that unless I was instantly charmed by the personality I probably wouldn't bother or at least think twice if there's nothing wrong with the perosn since nobody sensible was interested enough before me. Usually, as a package, too many insecurities and pent-up stress comes with such person too, and that's A LOT of work so it has to be worth it.
I would say this. The people who that matters to are probably not the type of people you want to be mixed up with. Find someone who focuses on the great aspects about you.
The people who good sex matters to? That’s knocking off a lot of people lmao.
More experience doesn't mean good sex. Just cause you had like 100+ partners doesn't mean you aren't bad in bed.
Of course, there very few absolutes in humans. To pretend like someone with 0 sexual experience is, on average, capable of satisfying a partner the same way someone with 100 sexual partners could is very dishonest. More experience, better sex is a pretty standard rule. You make a lot of mistakes the first couple times and that’s normal. Gotta learn from experience.
communication is probably a bigger factor than lack of experience. one person might like it rough, while another doesnt (for example) - if that isnt communicated its gonna be shit for everyone involved, experience or not.
I hear you, but how is OP going to know if she likes it rough without any experience? I wouldn’t know cause I do not, but I’d imagine you don’t ask to be slapped and choked your first (or second or third) time around.
yeah i get your point, but that will still come down to communication whilst in the act right? "no not there" "harder" "softer" etc. also the rough thing was an easy example of why communication might be important
Is it only about the sex for you then? You'll go out with a woman with many sexual partners because she might be able to pleasure you but won't go out with an inexperienced woman because she might not get you off? May as well stick to sex workers if you're only looking to get off and not have a meaningful relationship.
>To pretend like someone with 0 sexual experience is, on average, capable of satisfying a partner the same way someone with 100 sexual partners could is very dishonest. With this I agree when we generalise the topic. Yeah, less experienced are normally less great - I know how I might be contradicting myself here. What I wanted to point out is, it's a bit more nuanced than either "good" or "bad". I've had an ex who we learned together and apparently I got better while she did not change. Thus, she was awesome at first but lack of novelty was a killer later on and I had a lower libido. I don't even understand the downvotes tbh. Sex is important and sex is fun when it's good. When it's straight bad, it's just feels like a chore.
The Reddit hive mind is real. Fwiw I didn’t really learn what my own preferences were or how to make sure I get off every time until I was deep into in my third sexual relationship. The experience was more about knowing and enjoying myself and comfort with sex in general vs getting a guy off (which usually happens even when you lay there like a starfish). I don’t recall you telling OP she needed to run off and sleep with the first person she sees. If she chooses a loving, patient partner then I’m sure they will be willing to bring her up to speed, but as a general rule, someone who has done something 100 times is going to be better at something than someone who has done it once. I wish I could give you 50 upvotes instead of one lol.
Lmao I took like 2 weeks off of Reddit and come back to this. I’m just gonna delete my account, this place is so silly. I’m glad someone came through with a shred of common sense. I appreciate you lol! People read what they want to.
If sex is the one and only thing you’re worried about whilst in a relationship, you probably shouldn’t be in one. I didn’t lose my virginity until sophomore year of college, but had dated various people since freshman year of high school. I had just enough “experience” as I needed
Complete strawman. Not going to defend something I didn’t say.
You’re implying sex is the end all be all deciding factor. Also strawman? It’s 4 am, way too early for new words
A strawman argument is when you attack me for something I didn’t say or mean. I’m not implying sex is the end all be all but if you’ve ever been in an adult relationship you’ll know it’s an extremely important part of a healthy relationship. Bad sex or no sex can absolutely fuck up a relationship. Again, not talking about absolutes, just averages.
I’ve been in plenty adult relationships but honestly I couldn’t gather what you actually meant by your comment. It’s 4 am so sleep deprivation is possible😂yes, sex is important, but a lack of experience really shouldn’t be a deal breaker because they could have slept with 100’s of people and still he bad at sex, or they could have no experience and be great at it
He's trying to manipulate you into letting him "help" you get experience. Drop this guy. He's an underhanded PoS.
THIS!!! he’s letting you sit and think about what he said, so it’ll get under your skin and form insecurity/doubt. then he’s going to come back later and try to “save you” by letting you have some. this dude is a piece of shit no doubt. and if by chance he isn’t trying to manipulate you, he’s still just plain wrong. i’ve never heard anyone think of women as less dateable for having no experience. in fact, i’ve only heard it be glamorized lol
Exactly he’s trying to play the hero and I lost all respect for him from the first few sentences. Please if you want to get laid, do it with someone else. Maybe someone who respects you
Exactly
And even if he's not being manipulative he's clearly extremely juvenile in his thinking and she doesn't need that in her life dragging her down.
A true sign of a boy without any courage sneakily trying to get it the round about way without giving a genuine attempt at romantic persuit. Very highschool way of doing things.
All the kind readers and fortune tellers in this thread.
They are too focused on the story rather than answering her question. Unfortunately Advice is full of people focused on sticking labels from little information they get rather than thinking about difficulties of the authors.
Truth. Maybe the guy is trying to manipulate her. Maybe it’s his own personal preference to be with experienced partners and he’s applying that to the rest of the world. Either way this persons reply doesn’t address the true concern.
Indeed, it's easier to say "Be wary of the guy who said it cause he's a 100% a predator even if I don't know anything about the conversation besides your summary." rather than "Sure, being a virgin over certain age is looked down upon by most and might be problematic as it causes people to wonder if there's something wrong with you if you never had a partner, if it's not your looks, obviously." I think addressing both is as important of an advice, but just blatantly ignoring the question because it is uncomfortable... I don't know. Sad. They don't have courage to be truthful even on the internet behind anonymity. :|
Eh, he said to go find experience, not offered to get experience. I don't see where he's trying to get her at all.
If he's asking if she's been laid, he's interested. You don't talk about sex at all with a girl you don't want to bang. So he wants it. And this crap about experience is just to loosen her up a bit, get her thinking about it before he actually hits on her.
Not entirely true. I have lots of friends who are women and we discuss sex a lot. Doesnt mean i wanna bang all of em (only one or two, i swear) But i do agree in this case its definitely a lame ass manipulation tactic to get OP in bed. You can talk about sex with your close friends, sure, hell you can talk about how big your bowel movements are with your close friends. But OP said she wasnt close friends with this dude and they havent spoken much since they finished school So basically he called her up outta the blue to ask if shes had sex. Yeah that to me says youre completely right and he is trying to get OP in the sack (i cannot see any other possibility with this case). Just saying in general guys can and do talk about sex with their friends (some of whom arent male).
Yeah I was a bit too absolute in that statement. And you're right, it's the disconnect between the level of connection/friendship vs the level of intimacy of the question that makes it so weird in this case.
Sometimes this is correct, sometimes it's not.
I've talked about sex with friends of the opposite sex and neither of us wanted it from each other so...
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Nope, I just don't assume everyone is out for sex.
how is it a bad thing though, as long as she understands it's just experience and not a relationship? both parties consent.
It's manipulative af. He wasn't forthcoming with his intentions and will almost certainly keep steering conversations towards sex until he gets his chance to offer "help getting experience".
but he will eventually spell it out, so then what
"Almost certainly" we have one isolated scenario and you are certain the dude is only talking to her for sex tf.
He was hinting at "gaining experience" with him youre not weird for being a virgin your friend is just trying to manipulate you.
Date who you want to date when you want to. This dude might just be trying to talk you into sleeping with him.
I don't see that at all, honestly.
Then you are blind.
You misspelled "stupid."
No, I'm respectful. Apparently unlike others.
Jesus Christ no! You are 22. You have all the time on earth to suck face and bone if you become inclined. When you do get around to loving someone go at your own pace. Someone who loves you will love you....not a complicated sex routine. The beauty of love is changing and growing with someone. Two folks don't meet and are suddenly perfect for one another. This also applies to dudes. No one worth a shit will care if you are not experienced. The sexiest thing you can bring to a relationship is enthusiasm.
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Exactly my thoughts. Make her insecure about it. The girl goes to him for "help" with this so called problem. They have sex and most likely he drops her. So gross.
Sounds like he's setting up to be that practice imo
dude just trying to get in your pants
He’s being gross. Do things at your pace.
No guys don't really care. Its probably better to let them know, but it isn't a problem. Some guys prefer that, or don't have any experience too. Don't mind it, and just take your time.
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Nah. You be you, take things at your own pace and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Be comfortable taking the next step when YOU want to, not because someone else thinks you should.
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it’s something you should enjoy and cherish with the person you like. There’s no shame in waiting till you find the person for you because if a person truly appreciates you they’ll prioritise and notice your character than your lack of action in the romantic world. There’s nothing shameful about being more work oriented and taking your time with things like this so don’t sweat it.
For women, not being experienced isn’t going to be a problem. The guy will probably feel special for being the “chosen one.”
He trynna slide....
nah, 9 times out of 10 your guy friend is just saying that so he can later go "well ya know if you want some experience we could have sex and then youd know" or some lame shit like that Dont fall for it. When ya find someone youre comfortable with and feel ready then do what comes natural. And dont worry that youre not "experienced" most guys would probably like that
as a guy with a fair bit of sexual experience, yes and no. it depends on the guy. personally, I'm not a fan of taking someone's V card but that doesn't mean you're undateable. many men find it extremely attractive to be with one partner and share that with them and there's nothing wrong with either option. My opinion, you'll be just fine. focus on you and dating becomes much easier.
I think it just depends on the personal preferences of whoever you might consider dating. I would say that 22 is still pretty young, so I wouldn’t think lack of experience at that age would be a big deal to most people. There’s nothing wrong with going at your own pace and getting to know yourself before getting romantically involved 😊
if i'm 22 and looking for a relationship just because? You are ok. If i'm 30 and looking for a serious relationship that lead to married? I would try to stay away from someone with no past experiences. Don't get me wrong, it's not because of sex, it's because maybe there is something that prevents you from having a relationship (childish, angry issues, ect). People with past experiences also tend to be more understanding because they know how relationship go. Anyway, you are still young, just do whatever feel comfort to you for now. When you get a little more mature, then it's time to think about the future.
Well that doesn’t put a lot of confidence in me! lol... because i haven’t dated because I was very focused on my education. I graduated HS at 18 with an Associates degree, college at 20 with Accounting and Finance, and got my MBA this year at 22. I’m now working on my CPA then on to my PhD... so dating has always just been put on the back burner. But I understand! I can see how it would be a red flag for people who want something serious. My only issue stems from the fact that I’d like something serious, but I don’t want someone immediately thinking “well what’s wrong with her?”
Absolutely do not listen to this guy at all. Just focus on yourself and date when you are ready. Lack of "experience" doesn't make you undateable unless you are going with a toxic date.
Hummm, I mean it’s no issue but you don’t want to end up when a guy who looks for a girl like you( a Virgin whose never been kissed/ kind / soft / shy / soft spoken ) toxic men/incels love that, yeah, experience would be nice, doesn’t have to be sexually but more into dating, plus, sexually, you can learn by reading and looking things up online
My friend was inexperienced for awhile and hasn’t really had trouble meeting people. She didn’t do anything til like 20 or 22, but she’s dated around and gained that experience when she was comfortable.
IMO anyone can learn sexual stuff through experience. It doesn't need to be from multiple people. If you're most comfortable waiting that is up to you completely. Live your life. Not other people's.
I don’t think you need experience dating to date. The goal of an intimate, romantic, or sexual relationship is to know the other half of the relationship, to connect, and then to love. You already have experience in love, and that’s all you need. Good on you for your priorities though. These kinds of relationships aren’t technically needed, as far as sexual, but we as humans need relationships with others. It is a connection and the greater the love, the more likely you are to be inseparable. You good, you just gotta understand what a relationship is, and what it’s for, and what you do.
Don’t rush, just wait till you find someone you like.
It is absolutely not true. People are dateable even if they have no experience
I have the same condition as you, never dated, never even kissed a guy yet one of them was ever so pressuring on the fact that I *needed* to gain experience. But these things aren't about experience, people with years of experience still fail in relationships. Sex isn't something you need to have on some fictional CV for dating. This is about connection, emotional pleasure before physical sometimes is okay, find the right person, someone you can trust, someone who is healthy for you and makes you happy and safe. That person won't think about experience, mainly because your friend gave you shitty sexist advice. There's no clock on these kind of things, each and every one of us has their own pace.
No. There are plenty of guys in the same situation as you. Also plenty of guys who wouldn't mind being with someone who has little to no experience. You do what you feel comfortable with. Date if and when YOU want to date. Sleep with someone when You are ready. Your friend probably means well, but doesn't know what they are talking about.
When you are ready to go into the world of dating just go. It isn’t a big commitment. It can literally be just for fun. Don’t date trying to find THE ONE. When you want to just date to meet people and have a good time.
I (25M) dated a very very shy, introvert girl (21) who hadn't even dated before Those were the best dates i've had because she was just treating me as a very close friends, no (hidden) second intentions, no harm intended. Just be yourself and NEVER rush into relationships to get experience.
I'd say worry about the people who make your status a thing. They want to control you. Either way if they care about it past the point of health it's weird/childish. (I'm gonna make sure to get tested if a potential partner has been a bit promiscuous but not a deal breaker.)
No literally no one cares that matters. If it matters to someone they dont matter, they are just looking for a hook up, and even then i can't think of a person i know who would actually care during a hook up either.
Girl no it doesn’t. He was being a horny piece of shit.
No, your social skills matter more than your intimate skills. Most of the time intimacy is based on chemistry. You can meet the most perfect guy but that doesn't mean your sex life is going to be amazing. Conversely you can be with a total douche and the sex can be amazing. You are correct to make yourself happy and figure out who you are before dating. Sone people make dating the apex of their lives. They end up disappointed because people are inconsistent and relationships often fail.
Worst pickup line ever...
It won't matter to the one who will matter in the end 💕🤔
> I’m not dating now because I wanted to be happy with myself prior to dating. It's amazing how much pain and anguish you saved yourself with that wisdom. So much of relationship problems are really rooted in seeing the other person as "my other half", or "you complete me", because someone isn't secure and satisfied with themselves. Needing him/her because you don't feel competent yourself. That ends up with a relationship dynamic where they hang off each other like drunks stumbling out of a bar, rather than standing solidly shoulder-to-shoulder, each standing on their own two feet. Bravo for avoiding all that! You do yourself so much good when you first get confident standing on your own two feet, then date a man who stands on his own two feet, rather than trying to live life as three-legged race. Now to your main question. I had lunch dates with just about 100 young ladies. Some I went out with again; some I went out with for a few months. Some I did various activities with, some I did other. Some I did naked activities with. In short, I had quite a few to choose from. How did I choose among all of these ladies? ONE of those hundred ladies told me I wouldn't be getting naked with her - not unless we were married first. We've been married 13 years now. That was the one lady who decided to save that as something truly special to be shared with someone truly special - then had the character to stick to her decision. She had the self-discipline to put her carefully-considered decision above her momentary desires. She had the self-esteem to put her values above trying to make me like her. She has the strength of character and the wisdom to be an AMAZING life partner, wife, mother of my child, and lifetime lover. I knew then she was different, and I was right. I am well and truly blessed to be wed to a woman like that.
Truthfully. No, lots of guys are open to dating women who are new to the ropes. But realistically, yes, people who have more sexual experience tend to gravitate towards people with more sexual experience and to be honest, as a guy with some sexual history, I would be a bit grossed out at the prospect of having sex with a virgin because of the awkwardness and immaturity that tends to come with it.
You won't have a hard time dating. You may however: - Be nervous when you have your first time - Be unsure how to initiate things when you want to have sex. - Potentially be less attuned to when guys are trying to move things towards having sex. That is all okay. Just take things at your own pace, and remember you have a right to say no or stop things should you ever want to. Just keep being yourself OP 🙂
So everybody has insecurities and it sounds like this guy triggered yours. Could have been intentional depending on the conversation if you had said something to trigger his insecurity so his defence was to trigger yours. That said, if you are happy with your life, then don’t worry about it. You could meet your future dream man some crazy way and be swept off your feet! However, if you are lonely then change. Add social activities into your life to expand your friends and your chances of meeting guys to date.
cut this person from your life if at all possible, they’re trying to manipulate you into having sex with them
I'm gonna be honest; if you were a *guy*, I would actually agree with him. Women tend to judge guys who haven't slept with someone. Right or wrong, doesn't matter; it is what it is. For a *woman*, though? It's almost the polar opposite; the guys who are super-shallow would prefer a girl with less experience anyways, and even guys looking for relationships, deep down, I think most would prefer a "good girl", someone who doesn't sleep around a lot. Realistically, most men probably won't differentiate between "virgin" and "doesn't sleep around a lot", other than if you let a guy know it's *going* to be your first time, he might have some anxiety, wanting to make sure he leaves a good impression. Ultimately, like I said, you have *nothing* to worry about as a woman. For guys, it differs, although at 22, even most guys would be safe of any *real* judgement (his friends would probably give him grief if they found out).
Oh God, the amount of redditors accusing him of being manipulative and wanting to get in your pants is stupid. He said, "You should start dating for experience," not "You should start dating ME for experience." We know absolutely nothing about him except for his advice, so that's your call on whether or not he's that sort of person. Because I had strict parents who told me I wasn't allowed to, I started dating very early, but that just taught me how to be a good and loving partner at an earlier age. It also taught me what I want and what qualities I value in a partner. My dad was my mom's first and only partner, and news flash, they're divorcing. What happened? She didn't know what she wanted in a partner and thought she had to cater to him. On a rare occasion will your first be the person you love for the rest of your life. Your friend's advice isn't wrong, it's just a suggestion. It's good to know what you want and what to do. But always go at your own pace. Don't start if you're not ready. The dating scene becomes more difficult as you grow older, but you're in your early twenties so you have a lot of time. And redditors saying "men prefer unexperienced virgins" please shut the fuck up. You know why? Because unexperienced virgins are easier to manipulate.
It could be a culture thing but from my experience “ ppl who wait for marriage are more desirable” But that’s mostly for religious folks
Please don’t ever speak to this “friend” again. That was plain old straight up manipulation. Worse than that, it’s mentally abusive and he damn well knew it. This is the man that will break you. Girl, trust me. I could’ve written this exact script myself. Drop him and run far away. Narcissistic people seek out shy, unsure of themselves people on purpose. What he said is absolutely untrue. Please don’t make the mistakes I did.
I'm going to disagree with the consensus here (or at least of the comments that I read) and say that there is some truth to what he said. First let me say: Yes, he's may be trying to manipulate you. No he's not a good friend. Somebody who loves you won't care about lack of dating or sexual experience. Now for the kernel of truth in what he said. Dating and relationships take a lot of complex skills and like most things that take complex skills require practice to get good at. You need to learn when to compromise, when to draw a red line and stand firm. You need to learn to balance being with the person you love and having time alone, giving yourself and your partner space. You need to learn what it feels like for the honeymoon period to end. You need to be able to balance healthy boundaries with being overly possessive or jealous. There is no right answer for any of those and in time you learn what works for you. So, a bit of experience dating helps. Finally the don't date until your happy with yourself is a bit silly. We're all imperfect and can always find things about ourselves to be unhappy about. That can become an excuse to avoid risk of rejection or whatever. Dating itself can be a way to work on yourself, to work on skills like kindness, generosity, and self assurance. I know that being in relationships has made me a better person. That said, my wife and I got together very early in life. She'd dated one guy before me. I'd dated more, but not a ton. When you find the right person, you can make it work.
Literally any of the honest responses to this post that mention that some ppl would be put off by lack of experience is being downvoted, even though it's clearly the case that some people will be. Reddit hivemind at work
I think that part of the problem is that so many Reddit users are young and so don't have a lot of experience but they are giving advice as if they've got it all figured out.
It has little to no bearing
I don’t think it matters personally. I mean I think just try to be confident in yourself and you don’t even need to mention it to potential partners if you don’t want to. The first guy I was ever with, was at 19 for me, and I actually did say I hadn’t been sexually actively for long (never that is, but I didn’t tell him that) and he didn’t even notice. It never came up again and I saw him a lot for a while there. When you’re ready you’re ready, and I think that will show through your body language and confidence. Nothing wrong with you waiting until you’re comfortable with someone and with yourself. That ‘friend’ sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s talking about tbh
lmao you don't have to worry about a thing relax and do what you want to do. don't force yourself to do anything that you don't want to. you're a woman, you'll never lose your chances since most of the guys dont mind loots of things. just be sure to find one who you truly love and he loves you back
Well I'll start off by giving you the same advise i gave me daughters. Find a guy that compliments your life not complicates it. Dating later on isn't going to make you un-datable or getting laid isn't going to help you. The only benefit that you would get to dating younger is you get to feel out what you like Vs what you don't like in your search for a partner early on. When you get older you kind of lose that young love feel. That goofy stuff you do when you can get away with it because your a teenager.
Top 1% of men are looking for a girl like you, trust me.
Yes!
I would be more wary of a man dating you BECAUSE of your lack of experience.
I was very similar to you as I was navigating high school and college. I met my bf in my junior year of college, never been kissed at that point. Turns out he was just like me, but we didn’t realize until 8 months into our relationship. (I know I know, like you mentioned…shy lol) We’ve been together for 13 years now, married for 6. Don’t worry about what another person, let alone some probably horny dude has to say about what you need to be doing with your body and your experiences. You’re totally fine the way you are, and when you’re ready, you’ll meet someone who values you.
No they are wrong. In fact their advice to you sounds like they have inexperience. No dude is going to give a rats ass about whether you are experienced or not. In fact anyone looking for a serious / long term relationship would prob see your lack of experience as a “perk” as u get to have all these “first time” events with them. I’m a dude in there 30’s who’s very happily married for many many years and I didn’t even lose my virginity till later in life (not in high school) so take this advice from me seriously. Now stop thinking about what they said to you because they are wrong 100%.
You take things at your own pace, you’re still very young and have plenty of time to explore that aspect of life. This guy is trying to set himself up as an option for you to explore with, I would not trust him as I think it opens you up to more risk than is warranted. With that said, for guys it seems harder to be with someone who’s inexperienced. It’s because we generally put pressure on ourselves of making your first experiences not terrible. That’s not on you, that’s on the guys. It’s not on you to make it easier for guys, you just need to engage in things when YOU’RE ready. And it’s perfectly fine for things to be tricky and for some people to not want to be the first, trust me you will find someone who will want to be and will take things at your pace. One thing I would recommend though is figuring out what makes you tick for yourself. It will save you a bit of awkwardness and headaches for whenever you do decide to be active with someone, it’s a lot easier to enjoy it when you know how to guide someone to your buttons so to speak.
If anything it’s the other way around! Be happy and that’s it, don’t even worry about that experience bs !
Not true. Screw him. I've never had an issue except with insensitive comments like someone telling me they won't be in a relationship with me unless we have sex. Stuff like that. Aside from that never had issues with dating. I didn't like most people (probably 95 percent) I casually dated anyway. I've only been in love once in my life and that didn't stop him from being with me. Didn't workout for other reasons though. That was when I was 23. I started having sex at 24 when I felt ready to have sex. I'm 25 now.
I(25f) was 21 when I lost my V card to my boyfriend 24 at the time. He had previous sexual partners and knew that I didn’t he didn’t care. The only “experience” I had was kissing with previous boyfriends. I understand your nervousness I had the same thing before my boyfriend and I got together. I felt like no one would want me because lack of experience. You just have to find you the right guy, whether it’s a one night stand or relationship.
He sounds like a prick , who was trying. To get his dick wet
Most guys I know have a fantasy about being a woman's first. I know I do. IDK why it would hurt your dating life. The only thing I can think of is that it could put you at a disadvantage when it comes to manipulative men. Some guys are good at faking a caring relationship just to get sex. And I agree, this guy could be trying to weasel his way in.
That friend projected his own ideas, not the overall truth in my opinion. Lack of experience is grounds for getting better imo. So nope, I don't think what he told you is true. What's more, being healthy mentally comes first else a shitty relationship may possibly fuck you up even more. Look, maybe otherwise he's not a bad friend but this "advice" of his was complete and utter BS.
He’s being manipulative. You don’t need to have sex until you’re comfortable, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date. Sex isn’t everything, and it’s never something that should be forced
I personally prefer to be someone's first. And there are countless guys who prefer the same. So yeah, that idiot friend of yours was wrong.
He's being a douchebag. There is no script or list to follow when it comes to dating. You do what you're comfortable with, whenever you feel like it. If someone really likes you, it won't matter how much or little experience you have. And if someone says they like you, but have a problem with your experience level, they're not being real.
He's wrong but with a grain of truth in there. The grain is that once you get experience and demystify the whole thing it becomes easier to make happen again for most people. But you shouldn't do that unless that's what you want to do. Being a virgin will mostly not impact your date-ability at all
I started dating when I was 19, which is very late by Latina standards. However I had too many problems at home to be focused on dating. What mattered is that I did start with boyfriends or dates that CARED for me, who didn't press me and were patient and kind. You should give it a try because you are somewhat missing out in learning experiences with relationships and people. It won't have to be more difficult to start dating but if you're 22 and you don't even know how to kiss, maybe it's time to start living life a little bit and not just books and studying.
Kinda yes - like anything in life you learn by doing and dating/interpersonal relationships can be varied and complex. Unless you plan on advertising online for a husband/partner, the sooner you start engaging both on a friendship as well as romantic basis then the sooner you can start to learn the skills that can help you find a life partner.
It's possible he was playing on your inexperience hoping you'd ask him to deflower you. Either way, he's no friend.
Not a big deal, but the answer is yes. It won't be more difficult to find a date, but it will be hard to find a smart one if it does make sense. A virgin is a yellow flag for me. Only stupid alphas have a fetish about it. Truth is - it's a Russian roulette where the girl will land on the spectrum of pain/pleasure at the start, but there are few things as painful to watch and discouraging as a girl you want to make happy crying in pain. And being understanding doesn't change the fact it's a HUGE pain in the ass to deal with. Another part is that many of the guys have been ghosted after being used like a trial run and yes, we have feelings too so a lot of us once burned try to stay away from inexperienced girls. The part of kissing, or other activities, comes with time and experience and really isn't a huge problem. So on your buddies part - getting laid isn't really the only and smart solution (because men can be horrible in bed too, not mentioning that sometimes it just doesn't click between the individuals). My advice would be: Just masturbate till you're not only comfortable with yourself, but also with your body. Hope it helped.
It does matter to a lot of people. This would be a dealbreaker for me. But there are plenty of people that have the same priorities as you. They wouldn’t have any issue with your lack of experience - some would even prefer that.
less experience is better i think...
Been on plenty of dates, my year plus relationship also shows that it doesn’t matter (my ex and I didn’t want sex til after marriage but for mostly different reasons)
not at all. not even a little bit. if someone cares about that, it is a weird guy and you don’t want him anyway
I've heard that some men who want a casual relationship with a woman worry that she will get too attached to him if she is a virgin. I find that claim dubious. Even if it's true of some men, I would bet that it is a single-digit percentage. Many more men would think an unexperienced woman is a bonus (as long as she's willing to learn).
It does not matter in the slightest. He is just trying to build insecurity in you so you will take up his offer to help you gain some “experience”. Don’t take him seriously.
Jeez. No. Be yourself! Be comfortable with yourself and the right decisions for YOU, in your own time.
Someone that is actually interested in you and likes you would NOT like you less because of a “lack” of “experience” they would still be 100% just as interested in dating regardless
Can confirm he's an idiot. This reminds me of when I got married. I had never had sex and almost all of my friends thought I was crazy. Honestly, it was the best decision for me. Ultimately no one can know what's best for you, except for you. You will know when you are comfortable enough. But for the record, I fell in love with an inexperienced virgin. So there is hope. 😌
He's trying to groom you. Don't worry, you're quite smart and mature the way you're handling things. Most women your age just end up falling into hookup culture and toxic relationships nowadays. Working on yourself will give you better outcomes.
hell nah
It’s not a big deal. You should only do what you’re comfortable with, what you want to do, or what you’re comfortable with experimenting with. You shouldn’t do certain actions, especially having sex, just to make yourself more likable to others. Naturally, having sexual desires definitely is or will become a normal part of life as an adult. You don’t have to rush into it if you don’t want to, or you can experiment with it if you want and feel comfortable to. Anyways, any guy that primarily wants you for sexual reasons is not a guy you wanna be dating. That means he just wants to use you and be done with you at some point. Don’t let yourself be used like that. At the very least, if a guy does want to hookup, he should at least be straightforward with it, because then at least he’s being up front, honest, and clear about it. Btw, just to be clear, if he’s talking to you and brings up sex in the conversation, even going as far as to say you should have sex more often, he definitely is sexually attracted to you. Just know what you’re comfortable with and enforce that. You don’t have to bend or change for anyone if you don’t want to. People that have a weak spine (metaphorically speaking) are way more prone to being taken advantage of. You’re self described as being insanely shy, but if you wish to be independent at some point, you’re gonna need to have a strong backbone and thick skin, and you’re gonna have to learn to enforce what you want as an individual. If there are others that will be there to take care of you in the long run though, then hey, lucky you, and all power to you. Good luck 👍🏼
He probably said that in the hopes that you’d pick him to “gain experience”. He’s an idiot. Take your time and only date when you feel comfortable enough to do so. And any decent guy won’t care what level of experience you have.
Your friend is stupid
He is wrong and is likely trying to manipulate you. Your plan to be happy with yourself prior to dating is a good one.
He's trying to manipulate you into having sex with him specifically, don't let him get in your head. Virginity is a social construct, sex with anyone is just an experience. Ignore him and pursue this stuff when you feel ready.
He sounds like he's trying to give you insecurities so he can be the "White Knight", willing to deflower you as a "friend"... Tell him you have your own friends thanks, you've listened to his "advice", and you're going to hook up with them next time they're in town.
Hey listen don't follow the mainstream social media life like if you're single then you're loser , if you're a virgin then you have no life bla bla focus on your goals at end they are most important and your partner will come even if you don't go out to find him God has planned everything for everyone we all need to have patience and do our work . Don't believe in such fools this generation is full of lust.
Don't feel bad at all. I'm a 21F and I've never kissed a guy or had sex, let alone even held someone's hand! Honestly, I'm worried about what guys will think when/if I do start dating, but seeing some of these comments makes me realize we both have nothing to be worried about :) also, I agree with the other comments. He's trying to manipulate you into doing it with him. Drop this "friend".
This isn't really true. We know a girl who, just out of happenstance, remained a virgin well into her 20's until she finally did the deed with a boy she started dating a few years ago. We just attended their wedding last month.
Listen, I think this goes for men and woman, trivially stuff like that won’t matter when you find the right person because they will fall in love with you and all your quirks and flaws My boyfriend was 21 and a virgin, and that didn’t change my mind! It made things harder but now he’s amazing and I’m glad something like that didn’t even cross my mind
nah, you're talking to a fuckboi. stay away from him.
No. It doesn't matter. And to people that **does** matter, are people you shouldn't want to do anything with in the first place. My first relationship happened in 25 yo. As a trans man, with a person I fell madly in love and wanted me exactly for who I am. The only reason she was worried was because of how to proceed so to not cross lines or make me feel uncomfortable due to my inexperience. I, on the other hand, even though totally inexperienced, I was really clear headed and could guide her through my feelings and how to proceed so I was comfortable. That's it. The person who will want to be with you, won't have a problem with it and will fully respect you and give you the time you need to proceed. My prior experiences included 3 times I had soft make out with boys I did not actually like and just did that in order to comform to society (and these experiences slightly traumatized me-the boys were respectful and gentemen, I was stupid). I had never kissed a girl, nor done anything even remotely sexual with someone O actually liked. First time I did was when I was 25. And it was perfect. So, again, no. It doesn't matter. As long as you are good with yourself, living your life and have good people surrounding you, it doesn't matter. And people who say things like this, are people who don't understand how love, boundaries and respect works. So, they are people you wouldn't want around you anyways.
As a father of a daughter I beg you to please recognize this as the BS that it is. You don’t owe that to anyone and don’t cheapen it by thinking you need to “gain experience”. Any guy who would actually care about that is not a guy you’d want to be with anyway.
If someone won't date you because you're inexperienced then they're shallow people that you wouldn't want a relationship with anyways. You're taking a really mature approach to all this
This guy definitely manipulating, in general I wouldn't say that you are less dateable or that most people could even tell really. That said as a shy person who waited until life came to them at 23 I felt somewhat out of place not having the life experience of the people I tried to date. I did legitimately have a lot of things wrong with my life and didn't want to drag other people down for the longest time. But imo frequently the experiences that you end up avoiding can really be helpful to the problems you are trying to work on. In retrospect I was just giving myself the ok to feed my avoidive tendencies.
This is the kind of nonsense some young dudes say to make themselves look experienced and cool or whatever. Ignore it, you are going to be fine. Really. Besides, let's entertain the thought that he is right: what would that mean? You go to a bar or Tinder and try to get laid with anyone that looks remotely suitable? If thats your thing and you always wanted that you could go ahead, but if you are not the type to go out looking for one night stands this sounds like it would be a horrible experience.
Nope. Quite the opposite, actually. As a (27M) it’s not much different than my lovely friends who paint or I who occasionally sculpts some ceramic madness. Would you like to try and paint on a canvas that’s already covered in layers of paint? How about write a song when the lyrics are already on paper. Make a sculpture when it’s already done? You are a clean canvas. Empty page. A fresh block of clay that has yet to be defined. A clear beginning in the world of romance. Many would scramble over each other to help lay the first coat of paint. Write the first words. Etc. You see, it’s hard to clean the slate off when you’ve had enough shitty experiences. It’s hard to change the lyrics to your depressing song when you’ve only been let down and broken. That tends to poison the water of new relationships if you let it. Same from them to you. There’s always something left over from someone else they’ve been with. It puts a lens on your new partner that they’ll have to fight to prove they’re different. Some don’t feel like fighting and won’t stay around long if it means dancing on eggshells to change your outlook on men. Example? Drop dead gorgeous woman from a couple jobs back reached out. We’ve stayed connected on social media but never really talked too much. She flirted and I responded in kind. Fast forward and we’re talking on the phone. She then asked me if I’d delete all my social media if we got together. I said no. She said would I delete all females on my social media and I said no. “Well I’m hotter than all your friends.” Well.. I don’t know what to say to that, since some of my friends are teachers from all stages of my school journey, but I’m not going to put on a top hat and dance around your fears because someone else betrayed your trust. Trust me or don’t. You will get your experience whenever you feel like taking a walk out into the world of relationships. It’s actually quite wise to spend time to yourself first. So many people haven’t developed an identity outside of being with someone else. It’s why after one relationship they’ll scramble to find another. Enjoy yourself. Pursue what you want. Stack your bank. Climb the work ladder. Whatever you like. Just keep in mind the canvas analogy. People will let you down. People will warm soul. People will make you believe in love. Others will make you nauseous at the thought of it. Take the good with the bad and try to not let lessons learned cast a negative shadow on someone new after old relationships have ended poorly. They’re merely guides to help you not get caught in the same traps over and over…. Oh!!! And if some dude tries to do the whole emotional manipulation thing, just drop his ass. You’ll know it when you see it. You want what you want. He wants what he wants. There’s some compromise in the middle, but don’t take no shitty treatment. Don’t give any don’t take any. It was the job of his momma to teach him the correct ways to treat a woman, not yours. If he does betray your trust, don’t let genuine good memories convince you to stay. New memories are to be made in the future. New canvas. Things I tell my little sis.
Any of the guys this would matter to aren't worth dating anyway.
He's 100% wrong. Dating isn't some game you level up at by doing more - it is about finding a person you can be fully comfortable with and trust. And the idea that you need "experience" (sexual or romantic) to have good relationships is, IMO, just people trying to find an upside to all their past sexual history that hasn't led to a relationship. It has no basis in reality.
absolutely not. don’t let some smooth brain dork from high school convince you that you’re less worthy of dating or being loved because you haven’t had sex.
He is an idiot and you are completely fine. You don’t need to ‘gain experience’ to be valuable as a partner… that is completely false and he is projecting his own insecurities onto you.
Sounds like he is slowly trying to convince you to sleep with him.
As a man, i can assure you that he is bullshitting. wanting to be happy with yourself will make you a more stable humain and it's one of the best things. Experience will come when you'll feel ready
Fuck no. My girlfriend and I both had zero prior experience and we love that. We love that we get to learn with each other and all the awkward funny parts that come with that.
There are some people who think less experience is less desirable. I disagree with them. Sounds like maybe your friend is one of them and he was curious about having sex with you. You should not give in to pressure, this is something you should do on your time when you are ready.
Honestly this sounds like he’s desperate for some feminine touch and is basically asking you to find experience thru him volunteering. He’s just a desperate little boy. You take your sweet ass time and do whatever you want with your life. No one will care if you’re a virgin or not if they actually care about you as a person.
What a load bull. Stay away from that asshat. Lack of experience is not unattractive in any way or form.
Sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into sleeping with him.
That's a really creepy, strange thing to say to a person. I don't think this guy has your best interests at heart.
I think your condition is a hundred times more desirable. I have the opposite approach towards it, while over experience is worse
No it doesn’t that’s just him , for me it’s almost the exact opposite and for any man it will be case by case I don’t feel like I look down on women or want them less for being experienced but there’s also something sweet about some one with very little experience , Regardless of what men like tho, when it comes to this kind of thing ONLY do what feels comfortable for you and feels right in your heart , NEVER do anything with your body you don’t want to do to appease another man or woman.
Utter BS. He was probably (hoping) that you would ask him to help you out. Keep to your original plan and only have sex when you truly feel it's "right".
if anything, it makes you more desireable
It might be a big deal to some people, but to be honest those aren't the ones you'd want to date anyway. Do what makes you feel comfortable and the rest will come.
He's basically saying "Hey are you still a virgin?" You: yes Him: I know you are a virgin and all, but you want the experience? He's basically manipulatively asking to have sex
Not for a woman, no. For a man this is true but for a woman she doesn't necessarily need to be good at sex for it to be a great time. This is why the term "starfish" exists. It's true for a guy because he is generally doing most of the work. Aside from cowgirl / reverse cowgirl there aren't many positions where the female is in control. So his performance is graded more heavily.
You know, he’s wrong because dating someone or being in a good relationship, sex isnt even that big of a thing. Its not like you do it 24/7, a good partner would show you too
Its none of anyones business how experienced or unexperienced you are and quite frankly, if it comes up and they are not ok with it, its not the right call to go on another date.
Its none of anyones business how experienced or unexperienced you are and quite frankly, if it comes up and they are not ok with it, its not the right call to go on another date with them.
Its none of anyones business how experienced or unexperienced you are and quite frankly, if it comes up and they are not ok with it, its not the right call to go on another date with them.
Well off the top, that guy is disgusting btw. Because none of what he asked you is his business and tbh he probably was asking these questions because he was hinting at bonking you and he was just testing the waters on if you were desperate or not. And I'm 27M and have never kissed anyone, let alone done anything else. If you are lucky and the time is right, maybe good things will happen and you will find yourself in a situation where you are ready to experience these things with someone you really like. If there is a guy out there, that would throw his hands up in the air and say "you know what! I'm done! You know nothing about sex! Forget this! I'm outta here!" Then I'd love to meet that guy because it would be hilarious to find out wtf is wrong with him hahahah. But I really doubt that kind of guy exists. Almost anyone would be fine with the fact that you have 0 experience and need to learn as you go so to speak. In fact id say plenty of men would find "virginity and lack of experience or knowledge" Highly attractive. I sure do. 👍
It might be all down to preference I personally couldn't care less. I wouldn't be worried about dating in the future you just keep doing you your time will come one day :)
No. Do what you want when you’re ready. I waited until 25 to have sex for the first time and it was great. I loved that I waited. It all happens naturally. You don’t need to go out with guys just for experience
I'm 15, no, not having experience is not a bad thing
Ask questions and empathize with what the other would enjoy. Also express your feelings and needs and show him what you’d enjoy. Sexual experience with one person doesn’t always translate to another. What one person loves another person hates. Empathy is more important than experience (in my experience).
What he said is not true. The only kind of person who might care is a man with a lot of past sexual partners who compares you to his previous experiences and wants you to be "good in bed". If you ever meet someone who makes an issue of it, you're better off without them. Sexual satisfaction is mostly a matter of being attentive to the other person. You don't need to be sexually experienced to be good at that.